May 29, 2025 • 16 mins
Dr Sarah Hensley explains the psychology behind hopping in the sack with a new boo.
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Very nice to meet you. I'm a pretty big fan. So, oh,
thank you. You're like the holy Grail of women entrepreneurs.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Oh well, I appreciate that. Thank you so much. So
I found you on social media. And you do sort
of like these therapy snippets on relationships in the car
and you have a practice, you have patients. I do.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
I have clients.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
I'm a relationship coach and I've been running my practice
now for about four years. So it's been a real
blessing and a real joy. I was in academia before that.
I was the director of a clinical psychology program at
a university, and so I did that for a number
of years and taught in psychology.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Okay, so my question is one of the most intellectual
reasons I think that a person shouldn't have sex too early,
which we've all done, is because it could make you
so deeply insecure to blame. Like, let's say that you
have this thing right here, like, Okay, I've been out
with someone and on the first night, we're gonna do this,
(01:18):
and we're gonna do that, and oh my god, you're
this and you're that, and like I'm into it and
I'm believing it. At the same time, I'm an investigative
reporter in my own mind, not trusting any of it.
I don't believe it. There's no way that you don't.
You feel as way just with me, and you didn't
feel as way with someone two nights ago. And it
could be possible we have felt ways that we've never
felt before, but it could so. Now, if you sleep
with someone and they don't call you or interact or
(01:40):
text in the way that you want them to, you're
blaming it on the sex you don't and it might
not be the sex they might I've found that the
guy that I don't have sex with does this also,
But if I had sex, I'd be blaming all of
it on sex. So it's like a recipe. You added cilantro,
you added garlic, you added all these things. You don't
know what it was, don't know what the allergen was
(02:01):
because you did all the things. So the only way
to find out what you're really allergic to or what
the problem is is like sort of they call it
like an elimination diet, you know what I mean, or
or elimination add on yes, or add one ingredient at
a time, and that's why it's the same thing as
making your own money. I'm not saying you have to
make your own money in life or use it. It
(02:22):
just sets you up for success not having sex. It's
not slut shaming. It's saying, like, we want to be
able to assign what ingredients are the problem, and you
need to go slow so you can see what's going
on with a new person.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
I agree totally.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
And there's hormonal things that happen to both male and
female that are very different after sex happens. So men
really thrive in the dating phase on vasipressin, which is
like the protector and provider hormone, which makes them want
to feel like they're protective over you, like you're theirs,
you know. It makes them want to claim you, It
makes them want to provide for you, do things for you.
(02:57):
And as you are bonding, macipressing will increase. Once you
have sex with them, it massively decreases.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Wow, And so.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Then that's where they get the I don't know how
like if we can say this on the podcast, but
the like post nut clarity right that that guys talk about.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Wait say it again, the post nut.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Nut clarity right, Well, after they have sex and then
they're like, oh my gosh, I don't really like this shick,
Like I just wanted to have sex with her, and
I couldn't tell the difference. And a lot of men
can't tell the difference if they really just want to
have sex with a woman or if they really like them.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
So what I tell?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
And then what does oral sex count for that for
a man or it's really being inside someone.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
I'm not sure exactly. I know that the studies have
really focused on you know, actual traditional sex, okay, additional
sex and vacipressing levels. But we see those levels drop
and they get this all of a sudden that can
make that strong instinct that I want to claim this person,
like really pull back, and all of a sudden they're like.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Oh my gosh, what did I do? Like I don't
well these feelings.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Okay, but that combined a woman who gets the oxytocin
and more cling because they have let someone literally inside
of them. It's different being inside of someone and someone
being inside of you you want like your The combination
is lethal.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Yes, absolutely, And I was just about to say that
that women's oxytocin, which is their bonding hormone actually increases
after sex.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
So we have this disparity.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
Right between how women and men are handling post sex
clarity and wants and needs, And so I always tell
women and they don't necessarily love it, but I'm like,
hold off, you know, hold off as long as you can,
because essentially what has to happen is the guy is
going to go Okay, I didn't get it on the
first date. Do I really want to see her for
a second date? Okay, I see her for a second date.
(04:39):
I still didn't get it. Do I like her enough
to want to see her for a third date?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (04:42):
I still didn't get it. Do I like her enough
to want to see her for a fourth date? And
they have to keep them actually asking themselves interesting, this
somebody that I want to connect with is our emotional
and personality connection enough to sustain me.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
For a while.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
And that's a man's logic, but a women's in security.
And now let's get to the real thing, because a
lot of moms are on here, a lot of women,
a lot of women dating in their forties and fifties,
but a lot of moms. So we're doing two things
at the same time. We are trying to tell our
daughters what this is the only thing they want and
hold off. But we have to get granular about it
because we know that as a fifty four year old woman,
(05:20):
I have been out with men, really liked them. They've
been powerhouse ball or men. It's felt good. And there
have been times when it's not that I did something
I didn't want to do. It feels good. Who cares
where I might have gone further with someone? Then I
eat intellectually wanted to more for them, to sort of
like make them feel good and check the box for them.
(05:42):
And now men are manipulative just like women are, and
so our daughters. How are we if we ourselves have
done things that we don't want to do, or maybe
not done what we wouldn't want to do, we wanted
to do it, but regret it because we didn't just
say no, I'm not in my mind to me, meaning
I'm strong, I can tell a man no. It's me
to me And the weirdness of how to tell a
(06:02):
man no? So how are you telling us to a
tell our daughters exactly how to say no? So it works?
So it lands with an adolescent boy who has blue
balls and then how are you telling us to tell
ourselves that it as middle aged women, as thirty year old,
as twenty year old, all of it, all the things.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
So it just brings to mind the fact that I
have a fourteen year old daughter, say fifteen now, right,
they're going to be getting into that stage where this
is a real sexual contact is a real possibility in
the next few years, right, I will do you.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
I am forty three.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Okay, so you're younger, so great, But okay, so let's
go through. Give yourself the advice and give the child
the advice. But really how to land it? Not just
the concept of like, wait, okay, great, but how exactly.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Well, First of all, I think when I was that age,
if we're talking about like teenagers, I didn't really understand
all the consequences of sex. I mean, an unplanned pregnancy
is not the worst thing that can come out of
having sex. I mean diseases that can literally kill you
can come as a result of having sex, and you
can't necessarily tell who has those diseases and who to
you know.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I've never told that to my daughter. So that's the
first thing I have literally never I've told.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
My and the statistics are one in five people have herpes,
and so you know, you can't necessarily tell that they
have it. They can live with it for years without
even themselves knowing that they have.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
My daughter would react to that very much, yes.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Very strongly. So I believe mine would too.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
And I've had that conversation and I saw it on
her face, so I believe that she didn't have that reaction.
I think for middle aged women we're a little bit
sort of more over the fear of sexually transmitted diseases
(07:46):
and that kind of stuff, like we're like, oh, we
can protect ourselves or whatever. But I think you have
to realize that they're significant.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
We don't think about it that much. We really don't.
You're right, it's not discussed. We don't think about it.
And because we're a certain age where you're not going
to get pregnant, you really don't think about it. To
your point, we really don't think about it. Like it's
weird for a woman and man in their fifties to
be like, do you have a condom? It's like it's
like you're in college again. It's a very interesting thing. Yes,
(08:11):
it is a very interesting thing. But believe it or not,
I have a lot of clients that come to me
in their forties and fifties and say, I've never had
an STD in my life, but I started dating. You know,
I didn't even think about us because they're also in
their free spirit phase where they'll do.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Or post of verse.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
You know, they're selling their wild oats. Yeah, you're trying
to find themselves and boom they get hit with this
STD and then they're like, oh my gosh, like what
do I do? And sometimes it's you know, one of
the STDs that just doesn't you know, it doesn't go well.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Now, guess what my friend did tell a guy that
he has to be tested before they're going to have sex.
And you know what, I've had people say that they
want a personality test taken or just like anecdotally the
what we talked about with an attachment test. But I
think that's a very not for a teen, but for
a woman our age my age, George, that's an empowered
(09:00):
growing thing and a ball or move to say to
a man, I want to get to know you emotionally
in addition to intimately, but I would need you to
take a test, And I think they would think that
was fucking sexy as fuck for a woman to say
that to them.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
I mean, I think that you know your needs and
your wants are valid, whatever those things are for me personally,
what I did when I met my husband, I had
just gone through a big healing journey.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I had been single for over a year.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
I had, you know, done all the stuff to work
on my attachment healing, and I was ready to put
myself on the dating market. I dated a couple of
people that you know, it just didn't take off. I
wasn't very interested. And then I met him and I
did know after a couple of dates, like, wow, I
really have something special, some special feelings for this guy.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
So basically just laid it on the table, and that
way I knew I would hold myself accountable. I said,
I'm not going to have sex with you until we're
in a committed relationship. I'm not doing it like until
i'm yours and yours you know, there's exclusivity in this
ERAa and.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
The way that's a confident thing to say too. That's
a confident thing to say too. I don't have sex
unless'm going to I'm in a relationship. You're allowed to
have that as your code. We want to get into
the kids and what we're going to say to them
next too. But that's a code that because the gray
is where you get confused. If you have like a code,
that's it, that's that's it. So I like that as
a code, and that's my new code.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
I just didn't want him to worry.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
I just didn't want myself to worry about him going
in sleeping with other people if I was sleeping with.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Him, or you don't want to feel like someone's not
going to call you to the point of what I
said before, like I'm you know, unless you're in that
sex and city Samantha phase which I don't go through,
which some women are. You want to go out and
get laid, fine, then someone has to use a condom
or they have to get tested. You're allowed to be
in a sexual relationship. But for me, you are correct.
I'm not having sex with someone unless I'm going to
commit a relationship. It's extremely black and white. But I
(10:42):
don't think I've ever said it like that, and I
think that's I've said. I want my emotions to catch
up with my physicality, but it's not quite as strong
as what were you just said.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
Right, and then I also, you know, there's some confidence there.
There's some confidence there that I'm saying it's compatible. You know,
this is going to be going somewhere. There's a level
of respect for each other that has been developed. There's
a level of bay and it's been able to show
that they are capable of giving you what you need
outside of having a sexual relationship.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
No, yes, but I think there's a confidence. I think
you could get two things accomplished. I think number one,
there's a confidence there with both people. But I think
a woman saying to a man who's at the level
that like is a catch that she thinks is a catch,
saying to him that makes him think she's so much
more of a catch, Like that's just such a strong,
(11:32):
confident thing to say. So I think you get more
than one thing accomplished. It's my new thing.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I do too.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
And then I think it weeds out the bad guys
that are just like Harry and get laid right, so
you know they're going to weed themselves out. And I
would say, go see you, you know, don't let the
door hit you on the way out. And I think
also too, just being able to know that what does happen.
There's a level of comfort there that has already been established.
It felt really good, It felt really safe, exactly, it
(11:58):
felt so safe. And I think people underestimate the psychological
vulnerabilities and the psychological and emotional impacts of having sex
with somebody that then turns around and you know, abandons
you or betrays you or whatnot because you didn't establish
a connection and a level of trust. And what I
tell people is, listen, you're in charge of your own body.
(12:18):
Go do whatever it is you.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Want to do.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
I'm not going to shame you. I'm not going to
try to, you know, tell you that you should or
shouldn't do something. I'm just trying to hear to tell
you the risks and what could actually benefit you by
delaying sex is by keeping around a guy that is
becoming more confident that he wants to be with you
even in absence of that thing, which for a man
is a pretty big like revelation that they can have.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
No And I yes, and I think for my daughter,
because that's as important as what we're saying, more is
more important. I would say what you said about diseases
and what I mean, I would also talk about what
men are like and that also, you don't they're going
to react to it's hard for you to understand. But
if you do it, they're going to respect you have
a less likely chance of them liking you after sadly,
(13:05):
and and they and they get what they want. And
I would also say that a child can also should
not be having sex, but you can't. It's like saying
they shouldn't be drinking. We can't control of that. Should
be saying I won't do this unless I'm in They
can say it too, unless I have a boyfriend. But
then also, uh, they have to use a condom. It's
gonna it's harder for them. And that's why we have
(13:26):
wanted pregnancy these n STDs. But I have to make
sure that that's landed. But it's also like saying I
know a lot of people. I heard recently j Loo
saying that she never drank even though she launched a
liquor brand, but then she I don't think she markets
that anymore, but that she never drank because her mom
just said to her that it was bad and her reasons.
And I'm like, look, it takes a strong person to
(13:49):
not drink and to say it with confidence, but you
can do it, and that's the same thing as sex.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Yeah, And I think so she give you more confidence, right,
because everybody else around you is probably gonna be giving in.
And so they're there is you know, a nature of
men that they want the special one, right, they want
the gazelle, they want the one with the high standards.
And I think men inherently know if you're sleeping with
them on the first or second date. Inherently they're like, yeah,
I'm not the only one you've done this with no
(14:14):
hard telling me I'm special and that you don't usually
do this.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
But they're not buying it, right, No, No.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
And then also the hard thing we're dealing with too,
is that, like I'm in my mind, we're so naive
and we have so many blind spots. As parents, I,
in my mind, have been most focused on the substances,
the drinking, the possibility of drugs arising. I have literally
not been thinking about the sex at all. I have
not been thinking I have a fifth Yeah, I'm good
(14:42):
like so to Yeah, so homework for you parents. We're
all naive, we all think it's never gonna happen to us,
and it's not our kid. So I would give you
guys the homework to now go deal with both. It
could be separately, but deal with both things like deal
with the sex of it and the drugs of it
and the alcohol of it, because they're both in existent.
Like we were all kids.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
I think we take the wrong approach when we're just like,
don't do it. That's it exactly right, Like we're not
talking about this. I think you need to make your
child feel comfortable enough with you to be able to
talk about it, because if they do eventually get themselves
into a bad situation, you want them to be able
to come to you and tell you so you can
help them problem solve that and work that out and
be okay emotionally when if and if that does happen.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
This is what's happening tonight. This is my night, is
my evening, is my homework. Awesome. You were amazing. I'm
so I would love to have you on again. It
was really excellent.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Thank you so much. I enjoyed chatting with excellent. Love
your TikTok videos. I love how you just you know
what you just say. Whatever it is like is really
you're really passionate about and authenticity is so regulating to
the nervous system. And I find you incredibly authentic. And
I think that's why I enjoy your TikTok, because oh
I appreciate it, just like you know what, Chase screwed
me over today and I'm gonna and I'm gonna freaking
talk about this.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
They certainly did, and many people as well. Awesome, Thank
you so much.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
You're so welcome, Bethany. Thank you so much for inviting me.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
It was a of course, have a great day you too,
Thank you, good Bye.
Nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Very nice to meet you. I'm a pretty big fan. So, oh,
thank you. You're like the holy Grail of women entrepreneurs.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Oh well, I appreciate that. Thank you so much. So
I found you on social media. And you do sort
of like these therapy snippets on relationships in the car
and you have a practice, you have patients. I do.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
I have clients.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
I'm a relationship coach and I've been running my practice
now for about four years. So it's been a real
blessing and a real joy. I was in academia before that.
I was the director of a clinical psychology program at
a university, and so I did that for a number
of years and taught in psychology.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Okay, so my question is one of the most intellectual
reasons I think that a person shouldn't have sex too early,
which we've all done, is because it could make you
so deeply insecure to blame. Like, let's say that you
have this thing right here, like, Okay, I've been out
with someone and on the first night, we're gonna do this,
(01:18):
and we're gonna do that, and oh my god, you're
this and you're that, and like I'm into it and
I'm believing it. At the same time, I'm an investigative
reporter in my own mind, not trusting any of it.
I don't believe it. There's no way that you don't.
You feel as way just with me, and you didn't
feel as way with someone two nights ago. And it
could be possible we have felt ways that we've never
felt before, but it could so. Now, if you sleep
with someone and they don't call you or interact or
(01:40):
text in the way that you want them to, you're
blaming it on the sex you don't and it might
not be the sex they might I've found that the
guy that I don't have sex with does this also,
But if I had sex, I'd be blaming all of
it on sex. So it's like a recipe. You added cilantro,
you added garlic, you added all these things. You don't
know what it was, don't know what the allergen was
(02:01):
because you did all the things. So the only way
to find out what you're really allergic to or what
the problem is is like sort of they call it
like an elimination diet, you know what I mean, or
or elimination add on yes, or add one ingredient at
a time, and that's why it's the same thing as
making your own money. I'm not saying you have to
make your own money in life or use it. It
(02:22):
just sets you up for success not having sex. It's
not slut shaming. It's saying, like, we want to be
able to assign what ingredients are the problem, and you
need to go slow so you can see what's going
on with a new person.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
I agree totally.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
And there's hormonal things that happen to both male and
female that are very different after sex happens. So men
really thrive in the dating phase on vasipressin, which is
like the protector and provider hormone, which makes them want
to feel like they're protective over you, like you're theirs,
you know. It makes them want to claim you, It
makes them want to provide for you, do things for you.
(02:57):
And as you are bonding, macipressing will increase. Once you
have sex with them, it massively decreases.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Wow, And so.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Then that's where they get the I don't know how
like if we can say this on the podcast, but
the like post nut clarity right that that guys talk about.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Wait say it again, the post nut.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Nut clarity right, Well, after they have sex and then
they're like, oh my gosh, I don't really like this shick,
Like I just wanted to have sex with her, and
I couldn't tell the difference. And a lot of men
can't tell the difference if they really just want to
have sex with a woman or if they really like them.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
So what I tell?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
And then what does oral sex count for that for
a man or it's really being inside someone.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
I'm not sure exactly. I know that the studies have
really focused on you know, actual traditional sex, okay, additional
sex and vacipressing levels. But we see those levels drop
and they get this all of a sudden that can
make that strong instinct that I want to claim this person,
like really pull back, and all of a sudden they're like.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Oh my gosh, what did I do? Like I don't
well these feelings.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Okay, but that combined a woman who gets the oxytocin
and more cling because they have let someone literally inside
of them. It's different being inside of someone and someone
being inside of you you want like your The combination
is lethal.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Yes, absolutely, And I was just about to say that
that women's oxytocin, which is their bonding hormone actually increases
after sex.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
So we have this disparity.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
Right between how women and men are handling post sex
clarity and wants and needs, And so I always tell
women and they don't necessarily love it, but I'm like,
hold off, you know, hold off as long as you can,
because essentially what has to happen is the guy is
going to go Okay, I didn't get it on the
first date. Do I really want to see her for
a second date? Okay, I see her for a second date.
(04:39):
I still didn't get it. Do I like her enough
to want to see her for a third date?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (04:42):
I still didn't get it. Do I like her enough
to want to see her for a fourth date? And
they have to keep them actually asking themselves interesting, this
somebody that I want to connect with is our emotional
and personality connection enough to sustain me.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
For a while.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
And that's a man's logic, but a women's in security.
And now let's get to the real thing, because a
lot of moms are on here, a lot of women,
a lot of women dating in their forties and fifties,
but a lot of moms. So we're doing two things
at the same time. We are trying to tell our
daughters what this is the only thing they want and
hold off. But we have to get granular about it
because we know that as a fifty four year old woman,
(05:20):
I have been out with men, really liked them. They've
been powerhouse ball or men. It's felt good. And there
have been times when it's not that I did something
I didn't want to do. It feels good. Who cares
where I might have gone further with someone? Then I
eat intellectually wanted to more for them, to sort of
like make them feel good and check the box for them.
(05:42):
And now men are manipulative just like women are, and
so our daughters. How are we if we ourselves have
done things that we don't want to do, or maybe
not done what we wouldn't want to do, we wanted
to do it, but regret it because we didn't just
say no, I'm not in my mind to me, meaning
I'm strong, I can tell a man no. It's me
to me And the weirdness of how to tell a
(06:02):
man no? So how are you telling us to a
tell our daughters exactly how to say no? So it works?
So it lands with an adolescent boy who has blue
balls and then how are you telling us to tell
ourselves that it as middle aged women, as thirty year old,
as twenty year old, all of it, all the things.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
So it just brings to mind the fact that I
have a fourteen year old daughter, say fifteen now, right,
they're going to be getting into that stage where this
is a real sexual contact is a real possibility in
the next few years, right, I will do you.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
I am forty three.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Okay, so you're younger, so great, But okay, so let's
go through. Give yourself the advice and give the child
the advice. But really how to land it? Not just
the concept of like, wait, okay, great, but how exactly.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Well, First of all, I think when I was that age,
if we're talking about like teenagers, I didn't really understand
all the consequences of sex. I mean, an unplanned pregnancy
is not the worst thing that can come out of
having sex. I mean diseases that can literally kill you
can come as a result of having sex, and you
can't necessarily tell who has those diseases and who to
you know.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I've never told that to my daughter. So that's the
first thing I have literally never I've told.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
My and the statistics are one in five people have herpes,
and so you know, you can't necessarily tell that they
have it. They can live with it for years without
even themselves knowing that they have.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
My daughter would react to that very much, yes.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Very strongly. So I believe mine would too.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
And I've had that conversation and I saw it on
her face, so I believe that she didn't have that reaction.
I think for middle aged women we're a little bit
sort of more over the fear of sexually transmitted diseases
(07:46):
and that kind of stuff, like we're like, oh, we
can protect ourselves or whatever. But I think you have
to realize that they're significant.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
We don't think about it that much. We really don't.
You're right, it's not discussed. We don't think about it.
And because we're a certain age where you're not going
to get pregnant, you really don't think about it. To
your point, we really don't think about it. Like it's
weird for a woman and man in their fifties to
be like, do you have a condom? It's like it's
like you're in college again. It's a very interesting thing. Yes,
(08:11):
it is a very interesting thing. But believe it or not,
I have a lot of clients that come to me
in their forties and fifties and say, I've never had
an STD in my life, but I started dating. You know,
I didn't even think about us because they're also in
their free spirit phase where they'll do.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Or post of verse.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
You know, they're selling their wild oats. Yeah, you're trying
to find themselves and boom they get hit with this
STD and then they're like, oh my gosh, like what
do I do? And sometimes it's you know, one of
the STDs that just doesn't you know, it doesn't go well.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Now, guess what my friend did tell a guy that
he has to be tested before they're going to have sex.
And you know what, I've had people say that they
want a personality test taken or just like anecdotally the
what we talked about with an attachment test. But I
think that's a very not for a teen, but for
a woman our age my age, George, that's an empowered
(09:00):
growing thing and a ball or move to say to
a man, I want to get to know you emotionally
in addition to intimately, but I would need you to
take a test, And I think they would think that
was fucking sexy as fuck for a woman to say
that to them.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
I mean, I think that you know your needs and
your wants are valid, whatever those things are for me personally,
what I did when I met my husband, I had
just gone through a big healing journey.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I had been single for over a year.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
I had, you know, done all the stuff to work
on my attachment healing, and I was ready to put
myself on the dating market. I dated a couple of
people that you know, it just didn't take off. I
wasn't very interested. And then I met him and I
did know after a couple of dates, like, wow, I
really have something special, some special feelings for this guy.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
So basically just laid it on the table, and that
way I knew I would hold myself accountable. I said,
I'm not going to have sex with you until we're
in a committed relationship. I'm not doing it like until
i'm yours and yours you know, there's exclusivity in this
ERAa and.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
The way that's a confident thing to say too. That's
a confident thing to say too. I don't have sex
unless'm going to I'm in a relationship. You're allowed to
have that as your code. We want to get into
the kids and what we're going to say to them
next too. But that's a code that because the gray
is where you get confused. If you have like a code,
that's it, that's that's it. So I like that as
a code, and that's my new code.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
I just didn't want him to worry.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
I just didn't want myself to worry about him going
in sleeping with other people if I was sleeping with.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Him, or you don't want to feel like someone's not
going to call you to the point of what I
said before, like I'm you know, unless you're in that
sex and city Samantha phase which I don't go through,
which some women are. You want to go out and
get laid, fine, then someone has to use a condom
or they have to get tested. You're allowed to be
in a sexual relationship. But for me, you are correct.
I'm not having sex with someone unless I'm going to
commit a relationship. It's extremely black and white. But I
(10:42):
don't think I've ever said it like that, and I
think that's I've said. I want my emotions to catch
up with my physicality, but it's not quite as strong
as what were you just said.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
Right, and then I also, you know, there's some confidence there.
There's some confidence there that I'm saying it's compatible. You know,
this is going to be going somewhere. There's a level
of respect for each other that has been developed. There's
a level of bay and it's been able to show
that they are capable of giving you what you need
outside of having a sexual relationship.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
No, yes, but I think there's a confidence. I think
you could get two things accomplished. I think number one,
there's a confidence there with both people. But I think
a woman saying to a man who's at the level
that like is a catch that she thinks is a catch,
saying to him that makes him think she's so much
more of a catch, Like that's just such a strong,
(11:32):
confident thing to say. So I think you get more
than one thing accomplished. It's my new thing.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I do too.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
And then I think it weeds out the bad guys
that are just like Harry and get laid right, so
you know they're going to weed themselves out. And I
would say, go see you, you know, don't let the
door hit you on the way out. And I think
also too, just being able to know that what does happen.
There's a level of comfort there that has already been established.
It felt really good, It felt really safe, exactly, it
(11:58):
felt so safe. And I think people underestimate the psychological
vulnerabilities and the psychological and emotional impacts of having sex
with somebody that then turns around and you know, abandons
you or betrays you or whatnot because you didn't establish
a connection and a level of trust. And what I
tell people is, listen, you're in charge of your own body.
(12:18):
Go do whatever it is you.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Want to do.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
I'm not going to shame you. I'm not going to
try to, you know, tell you that you should or
shouldn't do something. I'm just trying to hear to tell
you the risks and what could actually benefit you by
delaying sex is by keeping around a guy that is
becoming more confident that he wants to be with you
even in absence of that thing, which for a man
is a pretty big like revelation that they can have.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
No And I yes, and I think for my daughter,
because that's as important as what we're saying, more is
more important. I would say what you said about diseases
and what I mean, I would also talk about what
men are like and that also, you don't they're going
to react to it's hard for you to understand. But
if you do it, they're going to respect you have
a less likely chance of them liking you after sadly,
(13:05):
and and they and they get what they want. And
I would also say that a child can also should
not be having sex, but you can't. It's like saying
they shouldn't be drinking. We can't control of that. Should
be saying I won't do this unless I'm in They
can say it too, unless I have a boyfriend. But
then also, uh, they have to use a condom. It's
gonna it's harder for them. And that's why we have
(13:26):
wanted pregnancy these n STDs. But I have to make
sure that that's landed. But it's also like saying I
know a lot of people. I heard recently j Loo
saying that she never drank even though she launched a
liquor brand, but then she I don't think she markets
that anymore, but that she never drank because her mom
just said to her that it was bad and her reasons.
And I'm like, look, it takes a strong person to
(13:49):
not drink and to say it with confidence, but you
can do it, and that's the same thing as sex.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Yeah, And I think so she give you more confidence, right,
because everybody else around you is probably gonna be giving in.
And so they're there is you know, a nature of
men that they want the special one, right, they want
the gazelle, they want the one with the high standards.
And I think men inherently know if you're sleeping with
them on the first or second date. Inherently they're like, yeah,
I'm not the only one you've done this with no
(14:14):
hard telling me I'm special and that you don't usually
do this.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
But they're not buying it, right, No, No.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
And then also the hard thing we're dealing with too,
is that, like I'm in my mind, we're so naive
and we have so many blind spots. As parents, I,
in my mind, have been most focused on the substances,
the drinking, the possibility of drugs arising. I have literally
not been thinking about the sex at all. I have
not been thinking I have a fifth Yeah, I'm good
(14:42):
like so to Yeah, so homework for you parents. We're
all naive, we all think it's never gonna happen to us,
and it's not our kid. So I would give you
guys the homework to now go deal with both. It
could be separately, but deal with both things like deal
with the sex of it and the drugs of it
and the alcohol of it, because they're both in existent.
Like we were all kids.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
I think we take the wrong approach when we're just like,
don't do it. That's it exactly right, Like we're not
talking about this. I think you need to make your
child feel comfortable enough with you to be able to
talk about it, because if they do eventually get themselves
into a bad situation, you want them to be able
to come to you and tell you so you can
help them problem solve that and work that out and
be okay emotionally when if and if that does happen.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
This is what's happening tonight. This is my night, is
my evening, is my homework. Awesome. You were amazing. I'm
so I would love to have you on again. It
was really excellent.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Thank you so much. I enjoyed chatting with excellent. Love
your TikTok videos. I love how you just you know
what you just say. Whatever it is like is really
you're really passionate about and authenticity is so regulating to
the nervous system. And I find you incredibly authentic. And
I think that's why I enjoy your TikTok, because oh
I appreciate it, just like you know what, Chase screwed
me over today and I'm gonna and I'm gonna freaking
talk about this.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
They certainly did, and many people as well. Awesome, Thank
you so much.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
You're so welcome, Bethany. Thank you so much for inviting me.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
It was a of course, have a great day you too,
Thank you, good Bye.
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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