July 23, 2024 • 22 mins
VIP matchmaker Barbie Adler of Selective Search is BACK with more advice on sex, dating, and more! Today Bethenny and Barbie talk sex, being alone, and doing your homework on potential dates!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:13):
So this is Barbie. Barbie and I first got in
touch because I was doing a website and I wanted
to have a dating expert right on my website and
a blog, and so my team got in touch with her,
and she wrote a bunch of articles about dating that
are not just for high net worth individuals, that are
definitely accessible because the principles are the same. And I've
(00:35):
read some articles that she's been mentioned in where she
says you have to be a full person, like someone
that you would want to date to enter into a relationship.
So while she is maybe unattainable to many of you,
her advice is certainly attainable. Well, I'll tell you my
perspective on something and I don't and I believe that
you feel the same. Now I think about sex, there
are these people that I think are ridiculous and making
(00:57):
these like hard and fast rules about sex. And it's
the first date, it's the ninth date, it's the commitment dates.
And I think that you probably, as I tell my daughter,
for the future, you're probably going to keep yourself more
open and have a safer insurance policy if you don't
immediately have sex with someone because you don't know how
that's going to be perceived, and you don't know if
(01:19):
the body is going to move faster than the emotions
and the connection. But I do think that being overly
heightened about that means now you're sort of like a
game player, and you're gonna have If you don't know,
you should err on the side of not doing it.
But I think some mature adults are in a moment
and know that both people are adults, and if the
(01:41):
other person isn't going to call you because you were
intimate with them, it's likely not because you had sex
with them. If it's really going they're not gonna be like, oh,
we were amazing and compatible in every way, but this,
you know, forty five year old woman had sex with me,
so I'm not gonna call her. I think that's all
kind of bullshit. I think that you got to go
with the way the waves are coming. My opinion.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I'm so happy you're bringing this up because I don't
think enough people talk about this, and this is so important.
It is so old school to think that you have
to wait a certain amount of dates for anything. All
those rules I think are bullshit. I think the most
important thing is you have to know yourself if you
(02:21):
sleep with someone when it's early on and if it
doesn't go the distance and it's going to put you
in pieces and you're just gonna not to be able
to recover, then know yourself that you can't handle it,
and then know that that's not.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Healthy for you.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
But if you could look at it almost like how
men look at it, like it's liberating. Yes, I love myself,
I love the way I look. I want to feel good.
It was we were in the moment and you went
for it all the.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Way like exactly, I feel the same way and if
the next day. But you can't get in your head
and start obsessing that that's the reason they're not calling.
They would have not called either way. If it's a connection,
it's a connection.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
And then you have to smile, being like I had
that cool experience and it wasn't about him.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
It was about me. That was not about him.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
And I agree with you. Someone's not gonna call you
one way or another the others. But what you have
to be careful about is that you're not making a
habit where then it gets around or then you're ruining
gravitation and something like that. But if you have the
ability to differentiate emotions and physical connection and something that
you want to go for. I think it's like that
just shows that you are happy with yourself. You're not
(03:26):
going to judge yourself if you're called or not called,
because again, you're in the driver's of your life.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
You're the main character. If you want to do it,
go for it.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
But you can also decide, I'm not sleeping with this
person unless I'm certain they're going to call me tomorrow.
Like if you can feel that, you know that you're safe,
and also that you can handle the emotion, because there
are there is oxytocin, you are going to feel emotional
and you may not be able to handle that connection
you had and then not speaking to them. So to
your point, you have to just be driving whatever that is.
And if you're in a vulnerable position emotionally, it might
(03:58):
not be the right move. But for those reasons you.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Might decide, holy shit, I really like this guy.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I want to make it special, like I'm over just
having sex like I to me, it no longer feels good,
like it feels hollow. I really want to do it
when it matters. And you could say to that guy, Okay,
take this as a compliment. I really like you, and
I do want to wait, but know that it's gonna
be really good when we have it.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
But just hang in there because I really wanted to
be something special.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
And you can also be funny. I've once said to
someone ful funny. I've once said I'm not sleeping with you,
and they're like, don't worry. You think that's all I wanted.
I'm like, I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about myself.
I need to sign a contract right now that i'm
legally You know, you can be funny about it to
the persons you want a funny yes exactly.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
It's like you don't want to make it weird and
then it gets awkward, and then they're going to be
with you. To your point because you don't know how
to communicate and you made things weird. It has to
be like, don't do that to yourself, Like don't shut down.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
And by the way, it's beautiful to want to be
alone too. That's a decision I am going to make,
Like if I don't end up meeting someone who's additive
and a great partner, I'm not going to settle for
something that's not good. I would rather be alone. I'd
rather not eat than eat something bad.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You only want to do it if it's additive, Otherwise
it's the quickest way to divorce. Attorney in your phone.
It's you don't want to lie to yourself. This is
your your life. You're the main character, and you have
to make sure that you're honoring what you need and
you'll be so much happier meeting the right person. And
it's okay to be alone. You don't need to all
(05:26):
of a sudden go from relationship relationship. A lot of
times when people do that, they're not taking stock and
what didn't work and what they need moving forward.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
They're just rushing from relationship relationship. We all know people
who have done that.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
We've I've done that, and it's not healthy until you
realize when you get older, like I didn't even take
stock and what didn't work. I just ran into And
sometimes you go into the wrong person's arms because your
counterbalance car didn't work. Yes, and then you just don't
want to be alone or everyone it's a couple culture, right,
so everyone has a couple, and you want to go
(05:59):
with all your girlfriends that are going out with couples
and it, but like take stock and realizing, I mean,
by the time, what I was still single. Half my
friends that were married were divorced, and I was didn't
even get married. It's like you have to realize everyone
is going to have their turn. It's not a contest,
and sometimes the best decision is not making a move
and staying single and having so much fun, Like there's
(06:22):
so much things you could do when you're not in
a relationship and honoring that era too. It's just it's
like around just realizing like your declare independence and that
this is you time, and whether that's self care, with
your health, with your relationship, with your body, with your mind,
Like if you think about mental health, people don't realize
(06:42):
that the serious nature of that. If you physically have
a cut on your arm, you're not going to continue
to make the cut deeper. You know that that's like insanity,
Why no one would ever do that. But we treat
ourselves with such abuse of our with the programming in
our minds. We're saying to herself that it is like
deepening the cut in your arm, and it's real pain,
(07:04):
and people aren't taking the time.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
To heal and realizing they have to do. You have
to be kind to yourself.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
So we were talking about being alone, and I think
when someone is alone but from an angry place to
the point of what we were talking about, people can
smell that. I think I have found this in my
life right now, I have had more of It's like
it's like how women gravitate towards the married men, me
being emotionally not unavailable, but just saying I want to
(07:41):
be alone right now, I'm happy alone, choosing to be alone,
which is why this post that I did went viral
because I said, society makes it like, oh, it's okay
to be alone, like as if you're some like pet
instead of like all the women that I speak to
in my comments who are like I want to be
alone and not from an angry place like I like it.
And maybe you meet if someone unexpectedly, like a person
(08:01):
who stops trying to get pregnant gets pregnant, and maybe
you don't. But I think that it's attractive to be
confident and to be standing in your own two feet
in being alone, not being alone as some consolation prize.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
I mean that's what our society has gotten right, is
that it's a choice, and it actually could be the
best thing you've done for yourself and highly attractive to
put yourself firsts enjoy that time too, and it's okay
to not want to be with anybody. Like couplehood is
not for everybody, just like having kids is not for everybody.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
I'm a stepmom.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
I don't have my own kids, but you could get
fulfillment and nurturing and make family so many different ways.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
It's just a modernized approach.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
So whether we're talking about sex or relationships, or when
you opt in or out, I think the biggest thing
is that it's liberating that it's your choice and it's
no one else's choice, And don't listen to the peanut
gallery of everyone trying to push you along of what
they want for you. It's you have to sign the
noise and realize what do I want for my life?
(09:02):
You only have a finite period of time.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Okay to that point. So this is where it's it's interesting,
and it happens a lot on the apps. To that point,
we have to be very strict. We have to be selective.
The name of your company is Selective Search, and we
are going We're not going into the mall wandering around
where we don't know we're gonna buy. We come home
with a bunch of crap. We're going and knowing what
we want. But sometimes along the way you see something
(09:27):
you didn't think you wanted. And how do you ride
that line? Like how do you know you said you
didn't want a guy like this, but he looks interesting?
Is it like wants and needs? Like you would want
someone who was Jewish, But if it's not a die
hard need for you, then you could go out if
someone was interesting, Like you set some guidelines for yourself,
but how do you know which ones are strict and
(09:48):
which you should to say? All right, I'm gonna try that,
because then you end up getting discouraged by going on
bad dates. Like that's bad too. What you start to date,
you gotta be careful because if you go on bad dates,
you hate the whole thing and you miss your x's
for example, and.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Then that's the quickest way to make bad mistakes of
going backwards, yes, both with that person or you know
emotional like a breakdown or setback. The biggest thing is
you have to be intentional. Write it down, whether you
get a note bad or it's at your notes of
your phone. You have to write down, Okay, what are
the most important things that I'm not unapologetically going to
(10:21):
settle for, Like this is my list of non negotiables.
And that should be more about character traits. It shouldn't
be as much about the physical look of somebody. It
should be more about lifestyle, whether it's family planning, It's
about how you spend your time.
Speaker 3 (10:36):
Is it days active, days, nights out?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Like height and age can move. But if someone has
young children, maybe because.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
That depending on like if you want depending on what
you know, Like if you know that you want to
have kids, why you dating a man that's telling you
I don't want to have more kids. Or if they
say I don't know, maybe you're the pregnant or not pregnant.
If they're not clear on it, they're going to be Unfortunately,
you're going to be wasting time with someone that isn't
the right person for you.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
So you have to get real clear on what you
want out of life. And it should be fun.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
It's like you are the architect of your own life
and you have to geek out on Okay, I'm now
post college, what do I want? And it's the same
thing about your When you're being a strategic a plan
about your professional life, it's now thinking. And this is
the part that no one teaches us of, like taking
the time to be strategic planning about your personal life.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Nobody does that.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No, because it is a business and people treat it
the way that someone just gets into a relationship with
the first guy that likes them. That's like investing in
the first business I saw in Shark Tank, which was
shit like or me, just like, you got to take
it seriously because it's your bandwidth and your time. So
if I spend time on a ship business, I can't
spend time on a good business. If I spend time
on garbage online, I'm not spending time with my kid. Like,
you have to be invested in this process if you're
(11:48):
going to do it, unless you want to just sleep around.
And you also have to two things I want to say.
You have to deep, deep dive research, like you have
to be an invested because people are scumbags. And I
really do want to say that. I know Barbie's gonna agree.
There are so many amazing men out there, and women
always want to say men suck and there are no
good men because they've had a bad experience because I
(12:10):
haven't done this the first time around.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Again, shameless plug.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
But like I represent so many amazing like where the
good guys put mine eligible bachelors. They're my clients that
are ready to meet their person and it does. And
that's why I was so bummed that the Golden Bachelor
didn't pan out in real life, because I create people
happy love that go the distance and do have that
happy ending for them, that want to be in a partnership.
(12:35):
And I do think it's an important message to realize
there's so many amazing women out there, and there's so
many amazing guys out there.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
But if you're going towards TV Barbie, they're not going
to be good. That's why I'm sure I'd be offered
a ten thousand of those shows, but I'm not going
to meet the kind of men that I would want
to meet.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
No, And they should have had someone like me go
and vet them because for that reason it didn't work out,
because they who knows what it is, but it is
for your said, It is all scripted.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
None of the men that you would ever said me
up with whatever go on the Golden bed. That's the point.
So that's the point.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
But the point is like to realize that because we
never learned this, it's important to understand the message that
you have to do your homework. You have to silence everything,
create your strategic plan of what you want, and then
realize you need to have a little bit of wiggle room, like, Okay,
I want six feet, but if the right guy that's
five nine, that comes wrong and he's the most amazing guy,
(13:24):
don't take yourself out of the running of that, Like
what if he makes you so happy?
Speaker 3 (13:28):
I used to be a highist.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
All my boyfriend's were over six feet. I'm married's the
most amazing man ever, he's five nine and a half.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Oh interesting, I didn't know that.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
When I'm with him, I feel like a supermodel, and
when he were out, he feels like he's with a supermodel.
It's like, Thank goodness, I evolved and I do this
for a living, so I was able to help myself.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Like that doesn't matter. That was unuseful.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
That was that was setting me back in terms of
my search because I was putting limitations on that were
superficial and not making me half.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
But you're saying you've just said that you're treating this
like a dating business plan. But in business, you get
on the road and you think it's going to cost
a certain amount of money and you make certain plans.
But we plan in God Left. You have a structure
when you create a business plan, but ultimately you have
to be able to move with the tides and roll
with the punches because things will change in life and
business and in dating.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
And you also feel like you realize what's sexy.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yes, a good looking man, there's someone that's sexy to you,
of course, but sexy could be someone that does what
they say they're going to do, a man with a plan,
or someone that takes an account how you feel and
supports you or like helps you with the dishes. It
could be something like as mundane as that, but there's
other ways that are the highly attractive. Is is this
the guy that's going to help get up with you
in the middle of the night to help.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
With your baby. It's like, you don't want the.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Selfish guy that's not part in matial either. So that's
why I feel like people don't want to be alone.
They're pushed through society and they just stay in a
relationship because they're afraid to be alone or they don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
How it's going to get any better. And that's why
I'm here to.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Say, don't do that, because settling is the quickest way
that you're going to be having a broken heart.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
No, and you're saying that you'd rather be with someone
who's five to nine and a half and settle on
the six feet, but not the getting up in the
middle of the night with the baby.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Totally. Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I want the guy that when I look like shit
and I at my worst, still loves me and things
that you know, I'm the most beautiful thing, and I
don't have to have that pressure of all of this
of being perfect, because there's no such thing as perfect,
but you're perfect together.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So be flexible in certain areas, but very strict in
other areas. That's what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah, and also realize that, Okay, if there's a really
good guy in front of you, but maybe he's not
your type, obviously that didn't get you where you want
to be, and that's an unhealthy pattern that you need
to break.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Yeah, maybe this is forget yours type.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Like that didn't work for you. That's an unhealthy pattern,
and it's like you just have to run around race
and feel confident that it might not be what someone
else wanted for you. But if this guy makes you happy,
just be strong in your conviction that, like I'm happy.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
So when you're on the apps, ladies and gentlemen, Barbie
is effectively saying, which I think is true because in
her deep die, when she talks to someone, it sounds
like she figures out about their past. So when you're
in your apps before that, think about your past and
don't go down the same rabbit holes. Like you know,
we go in the store, we buy the same lip glass,
we have the same color. You just get attracted to
(16:18):
the same thing. But you come home and you're like, wait,
I already had that. And it's funny you say that
because a friend of mine said to me, my friend
Louis Lazanaro, I would never expect the greatest quote of
my life to come from Louis Lazanaro. Not that I
don't love Louis. He said to me, you always go
for the same guy in like a different pack, Like
it's the same guy over and over. That's what he sees.
He sees me as yes, there can be some outlier
(16:40):
bad situations, but he thinks that I go for a
similar guy. And he said to me, rock stars need
rock stars. That's what he said he was seeing. And
it was interesting because I think when you start dating you,
even on the apps, you have to go back and
look at what your ex looks like, not physically, but
like what the issues were, what went wrong, and not
(17:02):
recreate those patterns and what went right.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
And the other thing is is like, Okay, maybe one
picture this person looks dorky, but sometimes it's nice to
have like a gem that's like a diamond in the
rough that you just have to polish off a little bit.
And he's like the best gem out there. Like, don't
go for the most shiny object on the app or care.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
What other people would think, because you have to live
your own life.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Yeah, Like if you like the pedigree of like he's
solid and you like what he wrote about himself, like
take a risk and like go out with someone that
you maybe would never go out with, like be on
an adventure. That way, you've got nothing to lose and
everything to gain by evolving your taste. It's almost like
when you're a kid, you like chicken chicken nuggets, right,
but when you're older, you realize that you like broccoli
(17:57):
and you like healthy things, and all of a sudden,
you have a different palette for things that are good
for you.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Yes for healthy.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
So I always say good bar, oh my gosh every
once in a while. So I always say, like, you
think that like a bad boy is like a tracted
to you, But that's like eating a hot fudge Sunday
and thinking that's going to make you feel good afterwards.
But what makes you feel good is maybe it's like
the healthy choice that that's the good guy. So you
want nice do that with your own love life and
realize people that make you upset, people that try to
(18:27):
keep you in a box, or that don't allow you
to be yourself, that's not a healthy relationship dynamic. That's
going to get old quickly and it's going to make
you feel even worse about yourself. You want to be
with someone that you could be yourself and that you
don't do perfect with and you could evolve together, and
that's that's the healthy relationship. So when you're looking back
at your relationships, make sure you're looking at what worked,
(18:49):
what didn't work, and what doesn't serve me. Maybe it
serves you well in your twenties and thirties, but in forties.
But if you haven't daated in a few decades, it's
a it's a different marketplace. As explain to people, if
you haven't bought a house in thirty years, you have
to realize that dating, you're not the same version of
yourself in thirty years. So you have to realize that
you have to recalibrate in terms of what matters most.
(19:11):
And it's maybe not looks anymore, and now it's about
personality and lifestyle and compatibility and you have chemistry. I'm
not saying ever settle on chemistry together compatibility, but it
could be a slow burn.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
No, you fall in love with the house when you
go in. You have to fall in love with the house,
and then you have to make sure it works for
you and has what you need.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
But maybe it's a slow burn. It doesn't have to
be a chemistry where date one, you know. I mean
I just talked to a client and it was a
slow burn. And now she's like, he is so sexy,
we have the best sex.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
That does happen, and that does happen, and you.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Got to give it some time. It's like a fine wine,
you gotta let it open up and breathe.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
And also where both people are in their lives. First
of all, you can't make a dog a cat. If
you find out that you want a cat and you
have a dog in front of you, you can't make
a dog a cat, and you will know quickly. You
constantly telling your friend, wait, the way this person is
texting is weird. The way they don't call it is weird,
and you tell them four times and it's still the same.
You can't make a dog a cat. Or they're obsessed
with their parents or whatever that is. But number two,
(20:09):
where are they in their life? What are they going through? Like,
timing is critical because if you are going through something negative,
even if you force yourself because there's somebody good in
front of you, Same thing with buying a house, like
you could love it, but it might not be the
right timing for you financially, and then you're gonna stretch
yourself and you're gonna get stressed out and it's gonna
be bad. Same thing with relationships. The timing has to
line up and someone has to be where they can.
(20:31):
I don't want to be business partners with someone who
can't commit to what I can commit to, I'd rather
not work with them, even if they have a great idea,
business whatever. I want someone who can meet me where
I'm at. And if someone's not in a place where
they can be a good partner and they want what
you want, you gotta you know they might have thought
they might have thought they could. By the way, sometimes
(20:52):
people want to just date and get on the board,
and they might they want just add a girlfriend, and
it doesn't work that way.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
I think it's like you have to really it's just
like business how you have to be headsmart. And that's
why a lot of times businesses that want to merge
the deals off and doesn't happen. You have to do
that for your own personal life and create it more
like a business, to be unapologetic about what you need
and what's going to be healthy for you long term.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
This is my honest truth. I could go on for
two and a half hours, I could go on for
ten hours and talk to Barbie. So I just want
you guys to know that. I want you guys to
send in questions, but I'll have Barbie. I'll have questions
for Barbie. But I would love to get into all
of this, from sex to money, to age to you know,
uncomfortable conversations, to gender to power struggles to divorce to
(21:41):
all of this. So we will have Barbie back because
I know you have a thousand questions for her, as
do I. I'm really glad that she's been here, Barbie.
I'm so grateful because I literally wasn't expecting this to
be like this and to be so many pockets. This
is a major topic. So matchmaking is a huge topic.
Dating is a huge topic. You're a huge topic.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
I'm all about it, and I think it's so needed
because there's no one out there that's really teaching people
how to focus on enriching their own personal lives. And
nothing matters more than your love life and your personal life.
So I'm so happy that you're covering all this for
everyone
So this is Barbie. Barbie and I first got in
touch because I was doing a website and I wanted
to have a dating expert right on my website and
a blog, and so my team got in touch with her,
and she wrote a bunch of articles about dating that
are not just for high net worth individuals, that are
definitely accessible because the principles are the same. And I've
(00:35):
read some articles that she's been mentioned in where she
says you have to be a full person, like someone
that you would want to date to enter into a relationship.
So while she is maybe unattainable to many of you,
her advice is certainly attainable. Well, I'll tell you my
perspective on something and I don't and I believe that
you feel the same. Now I think about sex, there
are these people that I think are ridiculous and making
(00:57):
these like hard and fast rules about sex. And it's
the first date, it's the ninth date, it's the commitment dates.
And I think that you probably, as I tell my daughter,
for the future, you're probably going to keep yourself more
open and have a safer insurance policy if you don't
immediately have sex with someone because you don't know how
that's going to be perceived, and you don't know if
(01:19):
the body is going to move faster than the emotions
and the connection. But I do think that being overly
heightened about that means now you're sort of like a
game player, and you're gonna have If you don't know,
you should err on the side of not doing it.
But I think some mature adults are in a moment
and know that both people are adults, and if the
(01:41):
other person isn't going to call you because you were
intimate with them, it's likely not because you had sex
with them. If it's really going they're not gonna be like, oh,
we were amazing and compatible in every way, but this,
you know, forty five year old woman had sex with me,
so I'm not gonna call her. I think that's all
kind of bullshit. I think that you got to go
with the way the waves are coming. My opinion.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I'm so happy you're bringing this up because I don't
think enough people talk about this, and this is so important.
It is so old school to think that you have
to wait a certain amount of dates for anything. All
those rules I think are bullshit. I think the most
important thing is you have to know yourself if you
(02:21):
sleep with someone when it's early on and if it
doesn't go the distance and it's going to put you
in pieces and you're just gonna not to be able
to recover, then know yourself that you can't handle it,
and then know that that's not.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Healthy for you.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
But if you could look at it almost like how
men look at it, like it's liberating. Yes, I love myself,
I love the way I look. I want to feel good.
It was we were in the moment and you went
for it all the.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Way like exactly, I feel the same way and if
the next day. But you can't get in your head
and start obsessing that that's the reason they're not calling.
They would have not called either way. If it's a connection,
it's a connection.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
And then you have to smile, being like I had
that cool experience and it wasn't about him.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
It was about me. That was not about him.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
And I agree with you. Someone's not gonna call you
one way or another the others. But what you have
to be careful about is that you're not making a
habit where then it gets around or then you're ruining
gravitation and something like that. But if you have the
ability to differentiate emotions and physical connection and something that
you want to go for. I think it's like that
just shows that you are happy with yourself. You're not
(03:26):
going to judge yourself if you're called or not called,
because again, you're in the driver's of your life.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
You're the main character. If you want to do it,
go for it.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
But you can also decide, I'm not sleeping with this
person unless I'm certain they're going to call me tomorrow.
Like if you can feel that, you know that you're safe,
and also that you can handle the emotion, because there
are there is oxytocin, you are going to feel emotional
and you may not be able to handle that connection
you had and then not speaking to them. So to
your point, you have to just be driving whatever that is.
And if you're in a vulnerable position emotionally, it might
(03:58):
not be the right move. But for those reasons you.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Might decide, holy shit, I really like this guy.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I want to make it special, like I'm over just
having sex like I to me, it no longer feels good,
like it feels hollow. I really want to do it
when it matters. And you could say to that guy, Okay,
take this as a compliment. I really like you, and
I do want to wait, but know that it's gonna
be really good when we have it.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
But just hang in there because I really wanted to
be something special.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
And you can also be funny. I've once said to
someone ful funny. I've once said I'm not sleeping with you,
and they're like, don't worry. You think that's all I wanted.
I'm like, I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about myself.
I need to sign a contract right now that i'm
legally You know, you can be funny about it to
the persons you want a funny yes exactly.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
It's like you don't want to make it weird and
then it gets awkward, and then they're going to be
with you. To your point because you don't know how
to communicate and you made things weird. It has to
be like, don't do that to yourself, Like don't shut down.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
And by the way, it's beautiful to want to be
alone too. That's a decision I am going to make,
Like if I don't end up meeting someone who's additive
and a great partner, I'm not going to settle for
something that's not good. I would rather be alone. I'd
rather not eat than eat something bad.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You only want to do it if it's additive, Otherwise
it's the quickest way to divorce. Attorney in your phone.
It's you don't want to lie to yourself. This is
your your life. You're the main character, and you have
to make sure that you're honoring what you need and
you'll be so much happier meeting the right person. And
it's okay to be alone. You don't need to all
(05:26):
of a sudden go from relationship relationship. A lot of
times when people do that, they're not taking stock and
what didn't work and what they need moving forward.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
They're just rushing from relationship relationship. We all know people
who have done that.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
We've I've done that, and it's not healthy until you
realize when you get older, like I didn't even take
stock and what didn't work. I just ran into And
sometimes you go into the wrong person's arms because your
counterbalance car didn't work. Yes, and then you just don't
want to be alone or everyone it's a couple culture, right,
so everyone has a couple, and you want to go
(05:59):
with all your girlfriends that are going out with couples
and it, but like take stock and realizing, I mean,
by the time, what I was still single. Half my
friends that were married were divorced, and I was didn't
even get married. It's like you have to realize everyone
is going to have their turn. It's not a contest,
and sometimes the best decision is not making a move
and staying single and having so much fun, Like there's
(06:22):
so much things you could do when you're not in
a relationship and honoring that era too. It's just it's
like around just realizing like your declare independence and that
this is you time, and whether that's self care, with
your health, with your relationship, with your body, with your mind,
Like if you think about mental health, people don't realize
(06:42):
that the serious nature of that. If you physically have
a cut on your arm, you're not going to continue
to make the cut deeper. You know that that's like insanity,
Why no one would ever do that. But we treat
ourselves with such abuse of our with the programming in
our minds. We're saying to herself that it is like
deepening the cut in your arm, and it's real pain,
(07:04):
and people aren't taking the time.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
To heal and realizing they have to do. You have
to be kind to yourself.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
So we were talking about being alone, and I think
when someone is alone but from an angry place to
the point of what we were talking about, people can
smell that. I think I have found this in my
life right now, I have had more of It's like
it's like how women gravitate towards the married men, me
being emotionally not unavailable, but just saying I want to
(07:41):
be alone right now, I'm happy alone, choosing to be alone,
which is why this post that I did went viral
because I said, society makes it like, oh, it's okay
to be alone, like as if you're some like pet
instead of like all the women that I speak to
in my comments who are like I want to be
alone and not from an angry place like I like it.
And maybe you meet if someone unexpectedly, like a person
(08:01):
who stops trying to get pregnant gets pregnant, and maybe
you don't. But I think that it's attractive to be
confident and to be standing in your own two feet
in being alone, not being alone as some consolation prize.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
I mean that's what our society has gotten right, is
that it's a choice, and it actually could be the
best thing you've done for yourself and highly attractive to
put yourself firsts enjoy that time too, and it's okay
to not want to be with anybody. Like couplehood is
not for everybody, just like having kids is not for everybody.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
I'm a stepmom.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
I don't have my own kids, but you could get
fulfillment and nurturing and make family so many different ways.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
It's just a modernized approach.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
So whether we're talking about sex or relationships, or when
you opt in or out, I think the biggest thing
is that it's liberating that it's your choice and it's
no one else's choice, And don't listen to the peanut
gallery of everyone trying to push you along of what
they want for you. It's you have to sign the
noise and realize what do I want for my life?
(09:02):
You only have a finite period of time.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Okay to that point. So this is where it's it's interesting,
and it happens a lot on the apps. To that point,
we have to be very strict. We have to be selective.
The name of your company is Selective Search, and we
are going We're not going into the mall wandering around
where we don't know we're gonna buy. We come home
with a bunch of crap. We're going and knowing what
we want. But sometimes along the way you see something
(09:27):
you didn't think you wanted. And how do you ride
that line? Like how do you know you said you
didn't want a guy like this, but he looks interesting?
Is it like wants and needs? Like you would want
someone who was Jewish, But if it's not a die
hard need for you, then you could go out if
someone was interesting, Like you set some guidelines for yourself,
but how do you know which ones are strict and
(09:48):
which you should to say? All right, I'm gonna try that,
because then you end up getting discouraged by going on
bad dates. Like that's bad too. What you start to date,
you gotta be careful because if you go on bad dates,
you hate the whole thing and you miss your x's
for example, and.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Then that's the quickest way to make bad mistakes of
going backwards, yes, both with that person or you know
emotional like a breakdown or setback. The biggest thing is
you have to be intentional. Write it down, whether you
get a note bad or it's at your notes of
your phone. You have to write down, Okay, what are
the most important things that I'm not unapologetically going to
(10:21):
settle for, Like this is my list of non negotiables.
And that should be more about character traits. It shouldn't
be as much about the physical look of somebody. It
should be more about lifestyle, whether it's family planning, It's
about how you spend your time.
Speaker 3 (10:36):
Is it days active, days, nights out?
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Like height and age can move. But if someone has
young children, maybe because.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
That depending on like if you want depending on what
you know, Like if you know that you want to
have kids, why you dating a man that's telling you
I don't want to have more kids. Or if they
say I don't know, maybe you're the pregnant or not pregnant.
If they're not clear on it, they're going to be Unfortunately,
you're going to be wasting time with someone that isn't
the right person for you.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
So you have to get real clear on what you
want out of life. And it should be fun.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
It's like you are the architect of your own life
and you have to geek out on Okay, I'm now
post college, what do I want? And it's the same
thing about your When you're being a strategic a plan
about your professional life, it's now thinking. And this is
the part that no one teaches us of, like taking
the time to be strategic planning about your personal life.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Nobody does that.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No, because it is a business and people treat it
the way that someone just gets into a relationship with
the first guy that likes them. That's like investing in
the first business I saw in Shark Tank, which was
shit like or me, just like, you got to take
it seriously because it's your bandwidth and your time. So
if I spend time on a ship business, I can't
spend time on a good business. If I spend time
on garbage online, I'm not spending time with my kid. Like,
you have to be invested in this process if you're
(11:48):
going to do it, unless you want to just sleep around.
And you also have to two things I want to say.
You have to deep, deep dive research, like you have
to be an invested because people are scumbags. And I
really do want to say that. I know Barbie's gonna agree.
There are so many amazing men out there, and women
always want to say men suck and there are no
good men because they've had a bad experience because I
(12:10):
haven't done this the first time around.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Again, shameless plug.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
But like I represent so many amazing like where the
good guys put mine eligible bachelors. They're my clients that
are ready to meet their person and it does. And
that's why I was so bummed that the Golden Bachelor
didn't pan out in real life, because I create people
happy love that go the distance and do have that
happy ending for them, that want to be in a partnership.
(12:35):
And I do think it's an important message to realize
there's so many amazing women out there, and there's so
many amazing guys out there.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
But if you're going towards TV Barbie, they're not going
to be good. That's why I'm sure I'd be offered
a ten thousand of those shows, but I'm not going
to meet the kind of men that I would want
to meet.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
No, And they should have had someone like me go
and vet them because for that reason it didn't work out,
because they who knows what it is, but it is
for your said, It is all scripted.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
None of the men that you would ever said me
up with whatever go on the Golden bed. That's the point.
So that's the point.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
But the point is like to realize that because we
never learned this, it's important to understand the message that
you have to do your homework. You have to silence everything,
create your strategic plan of what you want, and then
realize you need to have a little bit of wiggle room, like, Okay,
I want six feet, but if the right guy that's
five nine, that comes wrong and he's the most amazing guy,
(13:24):
don't take yourself out of the running of that, Like
what if he makes you so happy?
Speaker 3 (13:28):
I used to be a highist.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
All my boyfriend's were over six feet. I'm married's the
most amazing man ever, he's five nine and a half.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Oh interesting, I didn't know that.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
When I'm with him, I feel like a supermodel, and
when he were out, he feels like he's with a supermodel.
It's like, Thank goodness, I evolved and I do this
for a living, so I was able to help myself.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Like that doesn't matter. That was unuseful.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
That was that was setting me back in terms of
my search because I was putting limitations on that were
superficial and not making me half.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
But you're saying you've just said that you're treating this
like a dating business plan. But in business, you get
on the road and you think it's going to cost
a certain amount of money and you make certain plans.
But we plan in God Left. You have a structure
when you create a business plan, but ultimately you have
to be able to move with the tides and roll
with the punches because things will change in life and
business and in dating.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
And you also feel like you realize what's sexy.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yes, a good looking man, there's someone that's sexy to you,
of course, but sexy could be someone that does what
they say they're going to do, a man with a plan,
or someone that takes an account how you feel and
supports you or like helps you with the dishes. It
could be something like as mundane as that, but there's
other ways that are the highly attractive. Is is this
the guy that's going to help get up with you
in the middle of the night to help.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
With your baby. It's like, you don't want the.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Selfish guy that's not part in matial either. So that's
why I feel like people don't want to be alone.
They're pushed through society and they just stay in a
relationship because they're afraid to be alone or they don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
How it's going to get any better. And that's why
I'm here to.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Say, don't do that, because settling is the quickest way
that you're going to be having a broken heart.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
No, and you're saying that you'd rather be with someone
who's five to nine and a half and settle on
the six feet, but not the getting up in the
middle of the night with the baby.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Totally. Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I want the guy that when I look like shit
and I at my worst, still loves me and things
that you know, I'm the most beautiful thing, and I
don't have to have that pressure of all of this
of being perfect, because there's no such thing as perfect,
but you're perfect together.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So be flexible in certain areas, but very strict in
other areas. That's what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah, and also realize that, Okay, if there's a really
good guy in front of you, but maybe he's not
your type, obviously that didn't get you where you want
to be, and that's an unhealthy pattern that you need
to break.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Yeah, maybe this is forget yours type.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Like that didn't work for you. That's an unhealthy pattern,
and it's like you just have to run around race
and feel confident that it might not be what someone
else wanted for you. But if this guy makes you happy,
just be strong in your conviction that, like I'm happy.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
So when you're on the apps, ladies and gentlemen, Barbie
is effectively saying, which I think is true because in
her deep die, when she talks to someone, it sounds
like she figures out about their past. So when you're
in your apps before that, think about your past and
don't go down the same rabbit holes. Like you know,
we go in the store, we buy the same lip glass,
we have the same color. You just get attracted to
(16:18):
the same thing. But you come home and you're like, wait,
I already had that. And it's funny you say that
because a friend of mine said to me, my friend
Louis Lazanaro, I would never expect the greatest quote of
my life to come from Louis Lazanaro. Not that I
don't love Louis. He said to me, you always go
for the same guy in like a different pack, Like
it's the same guy over and over. That's what he sees.
He sees me as yes, there can be some outlier
(16:40):
bad situations, but he thinks that I go for a
similar guy. And he said to me, rock stars need
rock stars. That's what he said he was seeing. And
it was interesting because I think when you start dating you,
even on the apps, you have to go back and
look at what your ex looks like, not physically, but
like what the issues were, what went wrong, and not
(17:02):
recreate those patterns and what went right.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
And the other thing is is like, Okay, maybe one
picture this person looks dorky, but sometimes it's nice to
have like a gem that's like a diamond in the
rough that you just have to polish off a little bit.
And he's like the best gem out there. Like, don't
go for the most shiny object on the app or care.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
What other people would think, because you have to live
your own life.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Yeah, Like if you like the pedigree of like he's
solid and you like what he wrote about himself, like
take a risk and like go out with someone that
you maybe would never go out with, like be on
an adventure. That way, you've got nothing to lose and
everything to gain by evolving your taste. It's almost like
when you're a kid, you like chicken chicken nuggets, right,
but when you're older, you realize that you like broccoli
(17:57):
and you like healthy things, and all of a sudden,
you have a different palette for things that are good
for you.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Yes for healthy.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
So I always say good bar, oh my gosh every
once in a while. So I always say, like, you
think that like a bad boy is like a tracted
to you, But that's like eating a hot fudge Sunday
and thinking that's going to make you feel good afterwards.
But what makes you feel good is maybe it's like
the healthy choice that that's the good guy. So you
want nice do that with your own love life and
realize people that make you upset, people that try to
(18:27):
keep you in a box, or that don't allow you
to be yourself, that's not a healthy relationship dynamic. That's
going to get old quickly and it's going to make
you feel even worse about yourself. You want to be
with someone that you could be yourself and that you
don't do perfect with and you could evolve together, and
that's that's the healthy relationship. So when you're looking back
at your relationships, make sure you're looking at what worked,
(18:49):
what didn't work, and what doesn't serve me. Maybe it
serves you well in your twenties and thirties, but in forties.
But if you haven't daated in a few decades, it's
a it's a different marketplace. As explain to people, if
you haven't bought a house in thirty years, you have
to realize that dating, you're not the same version of
yourself in thirty years. So you have to realize that
you have to recalibrate in terms of what matters most.
(19:11):
And it's maybe not looks anymore, and now it's about
personality and lifestyle and compatibility and you have chemistry. I'm
not saying ever settle on chemistry together compatibility, but it
could be a slow burn.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
No, you fall in love with the house when you
go in. You have to fall in love with the house,
and then you have to make sure it works for
you and has what you need.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
But maybe it's a slow burn. It doesn't have to
be a chemistry where date one, you know. I mean
I just talked to a client and it was a
slow burn. And now she's like, he is so sexy,
we have the best sex.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
That does happen, and that does happen, and you.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Got to give it some time. It's like a fine wine,
you gotta let it open up and breathe.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
And also where both people are in their lives. First
of all, you can't make a dog a cat. If
you find out that you want a cat and you
have a dog in front of you, you can't make
a dog a cat, and you will know quickly. You
constantly telling your friend, wait, the way this person is
texting is weird. The way they don't call it is weird,
and you tell them four times and it's still the same.
You can't make a dog a cat. Or they're obsessed
with their parents or whatever that is. But number two,
(20:09):
where are they in their life? What are they going through? Like,
timing is critical because if you are going through something negative,
even if you force yourself because there's somebody good in
front of you, Same thing with buying a house, like
you could love it, but it might not be the
right timing for you financially, and then you're gonna stretch
yourself and you're gonna get stressed out and it's gonna
be bad. Same thing with relationships. The timing has to
line up and someone has to be where they can.
(20:31):
I don't want to be business partners with someone who
can't commit to what I can commit to, I'd rather
not work with them, even if they have a great idea,
business whatever. I want someone who can meet me where
I'm at. And if someone's not in a place where
they can be a good partner and they want what
you want, you gotta you know they might have thought
they might have thought they could. By the way, sometimes
(20:52):
people want to just date and get on the board,
and they might they want just add a girlfriend, and
it doesn't work that way.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
I think it's like you have to really it's just
like business how you have to be headsmart. And that's
why a lot of times businesses that want to merge
the deals off and doesn't happen. You have to do
that for your own personal life and create it more
like a business, to be unapologetic about what you need
and what's going to be healthy for you long term.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
This is my honest truth. I could go on for
two and a half hours, I could go on for
ten hours and talk to Barbie. So I just want
you guys to know that. I want you guys to
send in questions, but I'll have Barbie. I'll have questions
for Barbie. But I would love to get into all
of this, from sex to money, to age to you know,
uncomfortable conversations, to gender to power struggles to divorce to
(21:41):
all of this. So we will have Barbie back because
I know you have a thousand questions for her, as
do I. I'm really glad that she's been here, Barbie.
I'm so grateful because I literally wasn't expecting this to
be like this and to be so many pockets. This
is a major topic. So matchmaking is a huge topic.
Dating is a huge topic. You're a huge topic.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
I'm all about it, and I think it's so needed
because there's no one out there that's really teaching people
how to focus on enriching their own personal lives. And
nothing matters more than your love life and your personal life.
So I'm so happy that you're covering all this for
everyone
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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