July 19, 2024 • 10 mins
More advice from Dating University! Trust your gut, trust your Board of Advisors (you have one, right?)--and FACETIME them before you go!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
So I've been talking about aboarding dates because I've aboorded
multiple dates, and I've been talking about this on social media,
and later I'm going to get into the stories. But
the databoard is about cutting your losses. It doesn't mean
just being afraid and running into your cave. It means
doing a little bit of due diligence and trusting your
gut and your instincts and if something feels bad in
(00:33):
your body, not going. So you got to find that
line between being scared and just not wanting to put
yourself out there and in something not feeling right in
your body. And sometimes something doesn't feel right in my
body and it feels like a pink flag, and I'll
go and I'll do a deeper dive as a result
of that. And it's left me inside someone's divorce agreement,
(00:54):
finding out that their ex wife supports them and that
they were lying about how much they make. It's left
me finding out that someone was lying and pretending they
live in a certain area that they don't, that they're
hanging out with a certain wealthy person that they're not.
And it's left me realizing that a person wouldn't give
me their last name, and I could have mistakenly met
(01:16):
with them and put myself at risk, Like dating is
also a risky business, and so I've aboarded multiple dates.
And it's not because I think I'm better then. It's
not because I will never be happy and I can't
be alone and I just have to wait.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I'm not ready. It's not because of any of those things.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
It's because I don't want to go out on a
date with someone who is supporting a woman who asked
me to pick them up on the way to the date.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
I don't feel good about it.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
And one thing I talk a lot that comes up
in every time I talk about a dat aboard, I
don't like how it makes me feel. I don't like
how this is making me feel like you're allowed to say.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
That, you're allowed to be that.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I had a guy on a text very early in
I don't know this person, I've never met them. Start
judging the fact that I'm friends with a married couple
and go to dinner at their house and we'll sit
next to the man in the married couple because he's
a business minded person and we talk about business. And
I had a guy say to me like, don't tell
(02:16):
me that he wouldn't want to fuck you. I'm like,
excuse me. He's like, yeah, your friend is comfortable. I
don't know this guy. I'm like, are you okay? I go,
I don't like how this is making me feel. Please
don't call me again. Like there's a strength in that.
There's a strength and a dat aboard. There's a strength
in saying I don't like how you're making me feel.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Now.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
By the way, if you have to say that sentence,
it's probably somebody. It's something you should abort. You should
be like, please don't call me again. If you get
to that point, like it means if someone's like texting
you back and forth a little much, but if they're
being a little sleazy and you don't feel the way
that someone's texting you or something, or the way someone's
talking to you on a day, like oh maybe it
shouldn't have worn panties tonight on the first day, people
(02:56):
go slease And I don't know how you feel about that,
but for me, am I judging you. If someone is
gonna go sleez like go and people go sleeze early.
I've had someone say oh yeah, like something like that. Wow,
I like, if you wore a shorter skirt or I
have about not wearing one pieces, Like I've had people
go sleez and I'm like, yeah, I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I don't do sleazy.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
And maybe you just have to get yourself through the
check and get through the date, Like maybe it's not
bad enough that you're gonna get up and walk out,
which I would absolutely do too, but I don't like
how this is making me feel. And I've done it
where someone has been so different than what was supposed
to be set up with and you feel enraged and
you gaslight yourself where you feel like a bad person
that you want to get up because the person didn't
(03:37):
present is who they are. The person presented a certain way,
you know, on their profile or in their picture or
was described a certain way, and then you see somebody
totally different, and now you are gaslighting yourself because you
feel like you're being superficial because you thought the person
was tall and they're short, because you thought something and
it's something else, and.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
You feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
And that's sort of like you're gaslighting yourself because the
person intentionally or unintentionally kind of duped you. Like you
need to look like what you've presented as, you need
to be what you've presented as. And I'm sorry if
this is going to be a hardcore business, because it is.
But I have been out and I've gotten up and
I've said I'm so sorry. I don't think this is
a fit because I'm not leaving my house and leaving
(04:19):
my child and leaving my dogs and getting duped, which
is why you must FaceTime. You must FaceTime. If you're
meeting people on apps, like it's not a discussion, you're
not going out and getting dressed and taking that risk.
It's gonna make you feel bad. And you don't want
to risk how something's gonna make you feel, because if
it makes you feel bad, it's going to deter you
from wanting to go when it's gonna be good, and
then you'll get full and feel bad about yourself and
(04:40):
not want to go because you're defeated. So you've got
to really treat your time wisely. So when people are
thinking I'm being too precious about it, someone was like, well,
maybe they're busy and their text game is off or something.
Because someone that I made a date with weeks before,
on the day of that I text in the morning
by eleven thirty. I feel like a loser. I don't
like how it's making me feel that I don't know
(05:01):
where we're going. And if we're still even on and
I've blocked out that night, I text the person. They
don't text you back within a couple of hours like, yeah, no,
we don't have to go, It's okay, we'll do it
another night. Why Because I don't like how this is
making me feel like as a woman, you've got to
be strong enough to say that, and that's your intuition,
that's your gut, and you could say the words out loud,
or you can know the words and back out. Quality
(05:23):
over quantity. This is not a volume business. This is
a patient business. So that's how I feel about aboarding dates.
Absolutely something I completely condone. I don't care what the
person is going to think about. You do it nicely,
be confident. If someone's being a sleeze bag, also do
it just confidently and emphatically and block. It's my opinion
(05:55):
that when you're dating, you should have a dating board
of advisors, and that means some trust.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
People.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Could be someone you work with, it could be a girlfriend,
it could be a guy.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Whoever it is.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
It should be a group that you can go ask questions,
tell them the situation. Everything doesn't have to be somebody
you want to marry. It could be someone you're just dating,
and then you're going to give them the context to
be able to be honest with you about who's paying.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Do I go on this trip? Do I have sex?
Do I not?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Does it matter? Does it matter that he goes to
church twice a week? Does it matter that he has
four kids? Does it matter that his kids are young? Like,
have a dating board of advisors that are not going
to be yes, people that are going to push back
and then crowdsource. I'm a big crowdsourcer of opinions with
business and with personal and then I ultimately make a
(06:48):
good decision. But that does reflect the advice I've gotten.
Nothing's worse than getting advice from people and then realizing
you're just asking them to hear your self talk like
You've got to be a person that is willing to
validate and take other people's opinions and criticisms and in
your minds assigning who those people are. It doesn't mean
it's not an official board. It's ridiculous, But people that
(07:10):
also feel like they're part of it and you're including
them and you're validating and thanking them. You got to
thank them, thank you so much. Like it's a lot
of work to be on that board. If someone's in
the dating process, then they're not. But sometimes they're entertained
by it. Sometimes they're married they find it fun. I
have you know a major guy who's very successful and
his wife that are on that board of mine that
(07:31):
I'll ask questions and you would be shocked at the
perspective you get. One person gave me the perspective of,
don't you know, go away with someone for more than
two nights. It's going to be too much, too much
of a good thing. Somebody else was like, yes, stay
in a hotel or don't sleep with them on the
first night. Everyone's going to have a different opinion. And then,
like in business, you're going to ultimately make the decision yourself.
But I think a dating board of advisors is extremely valuable.
(07:55):
And you could have one of your kids on the
dating board of advisors, Like if your child is at
a certain and including them is maybe helpful, maybe makes
them feel like they're not left out, or they may
know you better than you know yourself because they live
with you. I mean, there are many different ways to
go about it, but I think it's a good practice.
(08:15):
So dating is like fishing, and fishing is a patient game,
as is golf, as is anything to be good at.
It's not something where you expect a fish to jump
right on the line the second you sit down. You
could have a really bad day. You could go out
for hours. I'm allergic to fish, incidentally, but I am
aware of what the sport is like or the hobbies like,
(08:37):
and it takes a lot of patience. It takes understanding
the process. It takes appreciating the reward, and it does
take sort of not like just settling and not just
you could be frustrated. You could go home frustrated, and
you also could be and I go, I'm gonna go now,
say fishing and hunting, because you could be a big
game hunter and you're not going to settle for something
(08:58):
that's less than what you deserve. And if you kind
of fold before the big fish comes on your fishing rod,
you could be doing yourself a disservice because if you
get nervous and you sort of choke and like, then
you just accept like something that in your mind is
dating down or a smaller fish. You're being impatient and
you're expecting it just to come on a silver platter.
(09:20):
That means that you're not trusting yourself enough to wait
for the good thing to come. And we've all done that,
like we all have done that where you've like convinced
yourself and then you end up settling. And it's not
just that you end up settling and you get less
than what you deserve, which is the worst thing. It's
that you end up settling and then you take up
that time block and maybe if you just went a
(09:41):
little longer, if you just sat a little longer with
the fishing rod, would you come with a great, amazing fish.
So I think you have to be patient and you
have to go through the frogs to get to the prince,
you know, I really do think that.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
And that's where people fold.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
That's where people you know, that's where you separate the
men from the boys, the women from the girls. Where
if you're willing to wait, and you're confident enough in
yourself and in being alone, then you might be willing
to wait for something great because you'd rather be alone
than be with something mediocre in any situation. I'm like
that with food, with anything, I'd rather not go if
it's not going to be great, and i'd rather not
(10:18):
eat if it's not going to taste great, and I'd
rather not date if there's not the potential of something
being amazing.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I'd rather be home with my dogs and my daughter.
So I've been talking about aboarding dates because I've aboorded
multiple dates, and I've been talking about this on social media,
and later I'm going to get into the stories. But
the databoard is about cutting your losses. It doesn't mean
just being afraid and running into your cave. It means
doing a little bit of due diligence and trusting your
gut and your instincts and if something feels bad in
(00:33):
your body, not going. So you got to find that
line between being scared and just not wanting to put
yourself out there and in something not feeling right in
your body. And sometimes something doesn't feel right in my
body and it feels like a pink flag, and I'll
go and I'll do a deeper dive as a result
of that. And it's left me inside someone's divorce agreement,
(00:54):
finding out that their ex wife supports them and that
they were lying about how much they make. It's left
me finding out that someone was lying and pretending they
live in a certain area that they don't, that they're
hanging out with a certain wealthy person that they're not.
And it's left me realizing that a person wouldn't give
me their last name, and I could have mistakenly met
(01:16):
with them and put myself at risk, Like dating is
also a risky business, and so I've aboarded multiple dates.
And it's not because I think I'm better then. It's
not because I will never be happy and I can't
be alone and I just have to wait.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
I'm not ready. It's not because of any of those things.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
It's because I don't want to go out on a
date with someone who is supporting a woman who asked
me to pick them up on the way to the date.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
I don't feel good about it.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
And one thing I talk a lot that comes up
in every time I talk about a dat aboard, I
don't like how it makes me feel. I don't like
how this is making me feel like you're allowed to say.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
That, you're allowed to be that.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I had a guy on a text very early in
I don't know this person, I've never met them. Start
judging the fact that I'm friends with a married couple
and go to dinner at their house and we'll sit
next to the man in the married couple because he's
a business minded person and we talk about business. And
I had a guy say to me like, don't tell
(02:16):
me that he wouldn't want to fuck you. I'm like,
excuse me. He's like, yeah, your friend is comfortable. I
don't know this guy. I'm like, are you okay? I go,
I don't like how this is making me feel. Please
don't call me again. Like there's a strength in that.
There's a strength and a dat aboard. There's a strength
in saying I don't like how you're making me feel.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Now.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
By the way, if you have to say that sentence,
it's probably somebody. It's something you should abort. You should
be like, please don't call me again. If you get
to that point, like it means if someone's like texting
you back and forth a little much, but if they're
being a little sleazy and you don't feel the way
that someone's texting you or something, or the way someone's
talking to you on a day, like oh maybe it
shouldn't have worn panties tonight on the first day, people
(02:56):
go slease And I don't know how you feel about that,
but for me, am I judging you. If someone is
gonna go sleez like go and people go sleeze early.
I've had someone say oh yeah, like something like that. Wow,
I like, if you wore a shorter skirt or I
have about not wearing one pieces, Like I've had people
go sleez and I'm like, yeah, I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I don't do sleazy.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
And maybe you just have to get yourself through the
check and get through the date, Like maybe it's not
bad enough that you're gonna get up and walk out,
which I would absolutely do too, but I don't like
how this is making me feel. And I've done it
where someone has been so different than what was supposed
to be set up with and you feel enraged and
you gaslight yourself where you feel like a bad person
that you want to get up because the person didn't
(03:37):
present is who they are. The person presented a certain way,
you know, on their profile or in their picture or
was described a certain way, and then you see somebody
totally different, and now you are gaslighting yourself because you
feel like you're being superficial because you thought the person
was tall and they're short, because you thought something and
it's something else, and.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
You feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
And that's sort of like you're gaslighting yourself because the
person intentionally or unintentionally kind of duped you. Like you
need to look like what you've presented as, you need
to be what you've presented as. And I'm sorry if
this is going to be a hardcore business, because it is.
But I have been out and I've gotten up and
I've said I'm so sorry. I don't think this is
a fit because I'm not leaving my house and leaving
(04:19):
my child and leaving my dogs and getting duped, which
is why you must FaceTime. You must FaceTime. If you're
meeting people on apps, like it's not a discussion, you're
not going out and getting dressed and taking that risk.
It's gonna make you feel bad. And you don't want
to risk how something's gonna make you feel, because if
it makes you feel bad, it's going to deter you
from wanting to go when it's gonna be good, and
then you'll get full and feel bad about yourself and
(04:40):
not want to go because you're defeated. So you've got
to really treat your time wisely. So when people are
thinking I'm being too precious about it, someone was like, well,
maybe they're busy and their text game is off or something.
Because someone that I made a date with weeks before,
on the day of that I text in the morning
by eleven thirty. I feel like a loser. I don't
like how it's making me feel that I don't know
(05:01):
where we're going. And if we're still even on and
I've blocked out that night, I text the person. They
don't text you back within a couple of hours like, yeah, no,
we don't have to go, It's okay, we'll do it
another night. Why Because I don't like how this is
making me feel like as a woman, you've got to
be strong enough to say that, and that's your intuition,
that's your gut, and you could say the words out loud,
or you can know the words and back out. Quality
(05:23):
over quantity. This is not a volume business. This is
a patient business. So that's how I feel about aboarding dates.
Absolutely something I completely condone. I don't care what the
person is going to think about. You do it nicely,
be confident. If someone's being a sleeze bag, also do
it just confidently and emphatically and block. It's my opinion
(05:55):
that when you're dating, you should have a dating board
of advisors, and that means some trust.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
People.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Could be someone you work with, it could be a girlfriend,
it could be a guy.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Whoever it is.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
It should be a group that you can go ask questions,
tell them the situation. Everything doesn't have to be somebody
you want to marry. It could be someone you're just dating,
and then you're going to give them the context to
be able to be honest with you about who's paying.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Do I go on this trip? Do I have sex?
Do I not?
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Does it matter? Does it matter that he goes to
church twice a week? Does it matter that he has
four kids? Does it matter that his kids are young? Like,
have a dating board of advisors that are not going
to be yes, people that are going to push back
and then crowdsource. I'm a big crowdsourcer of opinions with
business and with personal and then I ultimately make a
(06:48):
good decision. But that does reflect the advice I've gotten.
Nothing's worse than getting advice from people and then realizing
you're just asking them to hear your self talk like
You've got to be a person that is willing to
validate and take other people's opinions and criticisms and in
your minds assigning who those people are. It doesn't mean
it's not an official board. It's ridiculous, But people that
(07:10):
also feel like they're part of it and you're including
them and you're validating and thanking them. You got to
thank them, thank you so much. Like it's a lot
of work to be on that board. If someone's in
the dating process, then they're not. But sometimes they're entertained
by it. Sometimes they're married they find it fun. I
have you know a major guy who's very successful and
his wife that are on that board of mine that
(07:31):
I'll ask questions and you would be shocked at the
perspective you get. One person gave me the perspective of,
don't you know, go away with someone for more than
two nights. It's going to be too much, too much
of a good thing. Somebody else was like, yes, stay
in a hotel or don't sleep with them on the
first night. Everyone's going to have a different opinion. And then,
like in business, you're going to ultimately make the decision yourself.
But I think a dating board of advisors is extremely valuable.
(07:55):
And you could have one of your kids on the
dating board of advisors, Like if your child is at
a certain and including them is maybe helpful, maybe makes
them feel like they're not left out, or they may
know you better than you know yourself because they live
with you. I mean, there are many different ways to
go about it, but I think it's a good practice.
(08:15):
So dating is like fishing, and fishing is a patient game,
as is golf, as is anything to be good at.
It's not something where you expect a fish to jump
right on the line the second you sit down. You
could have a really bad day. You could go out
for hours. I'm allergic to fish, incidentally, but I am
aware of what the sport is like or the hobbies like,
(08:37):
and it takes a lot of patience. It takes understanding
the process. It takes appreciating the reward, and it does
take sort of not like just settling and not just
you could be frustrated. You could go home frustrated, and
you also could be and I go, I'm gonna go now,
say fishing and hunting, because you could be a big
game hunter and you're not going to settle for something
(08:58):
that's less than what you deserve. And if you kind
of fold before the big fish comes on your fishing rod,
you could be doing yourself a disservice because if you
get nervous and you sort of choke and like, then
you just accept like something that in your mind is
dating down or a smaller fish. You're being impatient and
you're expecting it just to come on a silver platter.
(09:20):
That means that you're not trusting yourself enough to wait
for the good thing to come. And we've all done that,
like we all have done that where you've like convinced
yourself and then you end up settling. And it's not
just that you end up settling and you get less
than what you deserve, which is the worst thing. It's
that you end up settling and then you take up
that time block and maybe if you just went a
(09:41):
little longer, if you just sat a little longer with
the fishing rod, would you come with a great, amazing fish.
So I think you have to be patient and you
have to go through the frogs to get to the prince,
you know, I really do think that.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
And that's where people fold.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
That's where people you know, that's where you separate the
men from the boys, the women from the girls. Where
if you're willing to wait, and you're confident enough in
yourself and in being alone, then you might be willing
to wait for something great because you'd rather be alone
than be with something mediocre in any situation. I'm like
that with food, with anything, I'd rather not go if
it's not going to be great, and i'd rather not
(10:18):
eat if it's not going to taste great, and I'd
rather not date if there's not the potential of something
being amazing.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I'd rather be home with my dogs and my daughter.
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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