July 17, 2024 • 27 mins
It's not about waiting to be chosen! Lose the amateur dating advice (sorry to your girlfriends). Get the real goods from high-end matchmaker Barbie Adler of Selective Search!
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Speaker 1 (00:13):
I'm having Barbie Adler on today. She is a dating
expert who specializes in high net worth individuals. These are
the pickiest individuals. These are people that are actually paying
customers to meet someone. So the reason I wanted to
have her on to talk here is because I am
launching a dating series. We are going to talk about
(00:34):
dating every which way but Sunday, from money to sex,
to commitment to divorce, to mistakes to dating apps, to
meeting through friends, to matchmaking, to sleeping with people on
the first or the one hundredth date. We're going to
get into all of it to launch this series officially
because I've been dabbling in dating and I'm seeing that
(00:55):
you guys are devouring this. I went from death to
divorce to now dating, and as my own personal journey
has evolved into a place where I am ready to
start talking about dating, I want to take you with me.
I want to take you with me, not on dates,
not revealing personal information, but on the dating dynamics. And
if you can't afford an expensive matchmaker, which you probably can't,
(01:18):
I want to give you all the information for free.
I want you to know what you've got right, what
you've got wrong, the mistakes you're making. I want you
to have game or decide that you are happy being alone,
because no matter what, I have always had game.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
I have game.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
The likes of someone in their twenties, thirties, forties, okay,
whether divorced, whether in your fifties, whether middle age, whether
you feel bad about yourself, whether you have five kids
or zero kids, there is something for you if you
want it. So we're going to go into this in depth.
And I'm going to start this series officially with a
dating expert named Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She has
(01:58):
a great reputation. She charges hundreds of thousands of dollars
to find people love and she's been very successful at it.
And hopefully if you like this, we'll have many dating
experts on. We're going to get into many different dynamics
and topics and you are going to learn so much,
and we are going to get into dating like no
one else is getting into dating. There will be no
(02:20):
other show like this because we are going to dive
so deep into this topic that I have institutional knowledge
on just the same way that I have institutional knowledge
on divorce and all of my mistakes and successes I
am going to share with you so you'll be better
in your own dating life. Welcome to just be dating.
(02:45):
So this is Barbie. She is what I would call
if I was saying it to a girlfriend, a high
end matchmaker. She can clarify or correct once I get
through this, But like ultimately I would say, if you
had to say a blanket statement would be like a
probably a high net worth matchmaker and an elite matchmaker.
And they're a handful of Barbie's in the country, not many.
(03:08):
It's a very specific and selective craft that.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Is honed in on and Barbie.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I'm anxious to get your advice and expertise and say
that I'm about to enter into the dating space, like
I'm I'm dipping my toe in and maybe we'll discuss
me after everybody else, but I may. I think I'm
ready to enter into the dating space. So maybe you'll
give me some advice or give me a prescription about that.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
I would love that, and I'm so happy for you.
I think it's one of those times in life that
you just have to silence all the noise and really
take stock in your past relationship, what worked, what didn't work,
and what you really feel like this time around you
really need There's no right answer, but the biggest thing
is making sure that you're doing it for yourself and
(04:00):
not trying to please others because that's a louse louse scenario.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
So okay, but.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
I'm happy for you. You're entering your dating era and
that is I hope you're excited.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Well, I'll get into me after, but I first want
to get into So your company is called Selective Search,
and you have a good reputation. I know that I've
heard that, and the way that I see what you
do before we get into so most people, if you're
at a certain age, you remember the days of you
went out to a bar, you went out to a
nightclub and you met people that way. Or the matchmaking
(04:32):
is just some people dabble in being matchmakers. Some people
in their community set people up with other people. You know,
most people can't afford a matchmaker, so they want to
put themselves out there and tell other people that they're single.
And I guess the first question jumping into my mind
is sometimes there's a nuance to it being desperate to
telling people you want to meet someone, because you say,
(04:53):
as a woman of a certain age, you want to
meet someone, and then summer rulers are as, oh my god,
it's really hard, and then that's sort of a little degrading,
makes the woman crawl on their shell and feel a
little bit like, you know, the spinster. So what do
you think about that? How is someone supposed to approach
they want to date? I'm not talking about twenty five
year olds. I think like I'm talking about women, moms
(05:14):
divorce is like, what's a woman supposed to do? She
wants to date, she has kids, and she's feeling a
little awkward about it.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
I mean, this is one of the reasons why I
started Selective Search twenty five years ago, was really to
revolutionize the way people meet each other because you, I
believe that you need to be unapologetic about having high
standards and if you have created a great life for yourself,
why is your personal life any different? So just how
you're outsourcing personal trainer, finance, all the things that we
(05:43):
do to outsource, knowing that it's smart idea to surround
yourself with the best in class expert why isn't your
personal life any different? To think that you're just going
to meet this person by chance. That's not doing yourself
any favorite because right when you're younger, of course, you
can meet friends of friends, and it's easier your social
network is when you get older. Sometimes you don't want
to you already know every in your social circles, or
(06:05):
you feel like your friends are not fixing you up,
which happens way too often. I think people need to
be better matchmakers to each other and help in that regard.
But the reason why we exist is to help people
like yourself who have put together an amazing life for
themselves and are looking additive for a partner, not a passenger.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
And that is really the power is.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
It's not about I think more women have to understand,
it's not about waiting to be selected or chosen. It's
really powerful when you realize you're in the driver's seat
of your life.
Speaker 4 (06:36):
You're the main act.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
You know, the character in your life is not just
about like the plot, it's do it for. What's a
healthy relationship, What's the one that's going to go the distance?
Speaker 1 (06:57):
What you're talking about is very mez, and the average
person listening cannot afford aramez. You charge into the hundreds
of thousands of dollars annually to introduce people so, but
if someone knows the quality of an air Mez bag,
then they certainly could help someone know the quality of
a bag at a street fair because the leather it's about.
And my opinion is so, I pay a lot of
(07:18):
money for PR every month, but I could be a
publicist and I could tell somebody else how to do
their own PR. With all due respect to my publicists,
I don't have the time to do it. I could
do it. I could be a marketing expert and I
could teach someone how to do that. So the average
person doesn't have the money to have a matchmaker. If
they do, I strongly suggest it because what she's saying,
she treats it like an executive search where you're going
(07:39):
to cut through the bullshit, you're going to know exactly
what you want. And a lot of women rush and
matchmakers are very like it's a very slow and low
cooking process, and people it could teach the average person
how to operate because you go on these apps and
you just want to fill the void. And I've gotten
into so many relationships by meeting someone not sticking to
(07:59):
the things that I intended to stick to. Getting into
the car, the car has the wrong sign. It seems
good because either I'm lonely or I feel bad about myself.
Then you're locked into a multi year relationship and you
wasted time and maybe some of your good years. So
the way that I see it, I've been bad at choosing.
I'm not saying I've had some good relationships. I'm just
saying I've maybe been bad at choosing for the long
(08:20):
haul in my life, or maybe choosing people that I
don't end up wanting to stay in relationships with. But
I have been It's not even lucky. I have had
game at every age. And I see young women that
are gorgeous that are saying they can't meet men and
there are no good men, and I think that they're
focusing on the wrong things. I think that women put
(08:41):
too much emphasis on their physical appearance, and that only
goes so far. I think that men want someone who
is I call it a fully put together. They don't
want to an ikey addresser. They have to put together,
and women walk in without bringing something to the table,
and any cases, they just have their hands out and
(09:01):
think they just want to meet a rich guy who's
going to take care of them. And what a women
have to bring to the table. What are men finding attractive?
Speaker 3 (09:10):
I think men find what attractive is someone that is happy.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
Hearts.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
They could sniff out ill motives, they could sniff out
broken hearts on healed hearts into sadness, and if you're
just going to trade on looks as a currency to
your point, it's not going to get you far. So
I think the most attractive thing to a man is
someone that's authentically happy and is leading an interesting life.
And it doesn't have to be a fancy life. It's
(09:34):
just someone that's doing cool things that they're passionate about,
whether it's a charity or their work, or their their
family oriented. It's just basically leading the whatever makes you
happy and feeling like the happiness is from within and
that you're interesting and fun. It's like it's like you
want to stay curious, you want to be always fresh
and happy and like not just trading just on your looks.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
That's interesting that you say that, because in the article
I read about you, I think it was CNBC, you
basically said you don't want to start dating until you're
someone that you would want to date, which is kind
of what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
You're saying that don't. I'll be honest.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
When I first had my recent breakup, I wanted to
know that I still had game. I was like rushing it,
like in my mind because I was nervous. I was
six years older, and I know that I always have
had an incredible game, but I was nervous. And once
I found out that it was possible, I made a
choice to be single for a while, meaning alone, not
just single like screwing around. I didn't want to get
(10:32):
into any cars. I didn't want to sleep with anyone.
I wanted to say, I'm I can be an alone
person and then make a true choice, not out of fear.
So that because making as choice out of fear is
being unhappy. And so now that I feel happy and
settled and confident, now I feel like I could bring
something to the table.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Because to your point, men can smell like blood in
the water.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Desperation, or like you're freaked out or you just want it,
or you want someone to make you feel better.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
I think you first, the most important relationship is with yourself,
and that happiness only could come from you. It's you're
not filled by another person. You have to feel fulfilled
by yourself. So if you feel And of course it's
very normal to want to see if you still have
it and to be liked and to have that validation.
But the biggest thing is who cares what else thinks?
It's what you think of yourself. And to really get
(11:19):
that silence and that clarity of okay, am I the
version I want to be to attract the person I
want to meet? And what makes me happy without a
man or without a partner, whoever that is, And what
do I need to do to be happy?
Speaker 4 (11:34):
Because it's not going to be solved by a person.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
But when you feel like you've done that work, you
want to make sure you're asking yourself okay, And it's
really about saying, Okay, what do I need to do?
I'm projecting myself the right way. It could be everything
from self care, both mental health, physical health, as well
as am I so wounded and hurt that I'm busying
myself with work or I'm doing other things where I'm
(11:58):
not even allowing myself because I don't want to feel
that pain again.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
So I really think it's important to.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Really figure out what worked so you could repeat that
pattern that worked and then also break unhealthy patterns.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
You're saying like you did a recipe, but you just
did one thing. It was too salty, but everything else
seemed to be good.
Speaker 4 (12:15):
Right, you got to tweak it.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
That's great.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
You have to.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
You need to if you think about in life, we
have strategic plans to get ahead professionally. Nobody teaches how
to pick the right person. So if your picker's broken,
no one's telling you how to heal a broken heart,
how to pick the right person. When you're younger, it's
based on like attraction and you're just having that chemistry,
(12:39):
but no one's teaching you the foundations of what really
matters is is he kind? Is he supportive of what's
important to you? Does he show up when you need
him to? Does he allow you to be yourself when
you need independence. It's more about understanding like who you are,
what you need, what you don't need, and then making
sure that you're clear and you're not negotiables and not
(13:00):
compromising because like you said, when you get back into that.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Car, no totally, I'm thinking of the scene and something's
got to give. Where Jack Nichelson goes back to the
relationships to see everything he's done wrong because this is
too important now and here's what I will say to
women of a certain age that I can say with
great certainty, the age really doesn't matter because there is
a seat for every ass and people are at different stages.
The fifty nine year old successful man, really, for the
(13:23):
most part, if he's anyone you would want to date,
doesn't want a thirty two year old. It's going to
be ridiculous with all. I mean, it's okay to have
an age difference, and there are exceptions. I'm saying, by
and large, women have these stereotypes that they just think, oh,
they're not gonna want me, And I think that negative
energy is bad. But I do think the stakes get
higher at this age because you definitely don't have as
(13:43):
much time.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I mean, that's a fact.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
So now you have to be serious and you have
to go take stock of everything you've done before and
not just hate all men, and really look at yourself
and think about what you've done wrong and not wrong,
or what you've chosen, how you've chosen poorly. And literally
recently there's been a man who's very in me and
he really likes me, and he's like love bombing me.
But I already made the decision that he wasn't going
(14:06):
to be right for me. And what I've done in
the past and gotten into serious relationships as a result
is get into a weak point and end up going
for someone because of how much they like me.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
That's my pattern.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
And then you get on a road, maybe the sex
is good, maybe something happens, you convince yourself in a
weak moment that that's what you need, and then you're
on the wrong road and you're wasting time not finding
what you really want. So you have to be able
to be a little insecure and be secure on your
own and don't settle for that reason because you're going
to be getting in the wrong car. And that's why
(14:38):
you can't rush it. Yes, like if Barbie, if I
call you today, you're not going to have a guy
in your office who's there for me.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
You're gonna have to go look for it.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
I think it's such an important message for women to
understand that it's okay to want someone, but they first
have to make sure that they're listening to themselves, of
taking a temperature read historically of what worked and what
didn't work, and how now what they're really looking for
is that a healthy love?
Speaker 4 (15:03):
I think that's the problem is when.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
You look at your parents, whoever raise you, is that's
kind of your role models for love. And some of
us are blessed that have good role models for love,
and other people aren't so lucky. So they might pick
a partner what mirrors the modeling that they had and
so if they feel safe and comfortable with it, but
it could be an unhealthy type of love. So you
(15:25):
have to realize, like unrite the rules of like what
you saw and what you might have seen an abusive
partnership or people that didn't honor what they needed. But
you feel safe in that environment because you've seen that,
But you have to really realize that it's now up
to you to decide what's the healthy relationship, what that
looks like to you.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
That's the generational trauma that people have to break the chain.
But by the way, it goes the other way too.
I've entered into relationships I call it the pendulum. So
you have a relationship that's one way and it didn't
work for you. So let's say that, like I had
a very not Let's say I had a horrendous divorce
and it made me feel a certain way, and I
believe that I wanted to run into the softest landing.
(16:04):
While that's amazing, it's more of a reaction than like
you can't recalibrate yourself back to being center and what
you wanted to begin with. Like, just because you're with
someone who's controlling and physically abused you or is toxic,
doesn't mean that you have to then go be with
somebody that is not who you would have wanted to
begin with. You're just sort of so traumatized that you're
(16:25):
like a dog that came out of a cage and
you're just shivering and you just need a blanket.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
And that's where you really need to be healing your
own self and not being in a relationship, because then,
like you said, you're swinging in the opposite direction and
the recipe still isn't right, because now you're not getting
what you need, and if you're you're either making excuses
in your head like at least you're not lonely, or
at least with somebody, or this guy loves you and
likes you, is into you, but if you're not into him,
(16:51):
it's going to fade, and then you're just wasting your time.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
So what I do think is fascinating is that so
many women. I want someone tall, I want someone brown hair,
I want someone who lives here, does that. But what
they don't discuss enough is two things, nuance and energy.
And what I mean by nuance is like someone it's
the same thing. You're trying to put a square into
a round hole. Like someone's like, oh, yeah, well I
belong to a sailing club, or you know, I love phishing,
(17:28):
and in your mind, because you're a little needy, you're
gonna like now mold yourself into someone who's gonna like
pretend you like fishing or that you would fit in
at a waspy sailing club.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
And that's kind of nuance.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
The person could be six foot, went to Columbia, is rich,
but like they're into sailing, and you're just like, that's
not going to be you. Or someone's super like stoic,
old money, stoic, and like you're kind of a little
wild and like energetically, that might not vibe. So I
want to talk about those, not the tiles, but the
calk in between, not the big ticket items, but the
(17:59):
things that are like energetically and being truthful about how
you live every day and how that other person lives
every day.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
I think if you think about the big things, that's
like the rocks and then the sand is what is
in between everything right, And so obviously the biggest thing
is for people to really understand that the foundation of
building a healthy, loving relationship is the things that matter.
Speaker 4 (18:20):
Is he respectful? Is he kind? Is he commitment minded?
Speaker 3 (18:23):
To see the integrity that makes you that goes the
distance to kind of be playing long term not short term.
Of course, you want someone that you find it attractive,
that you want to like take your clothes off and
feel sexy around, and you feel that that person's sexy,
but you have to realize to your point that you
can't bend like a pretzel and make excuses in your
mind like, oh, it's okay that he likes to fish.
(18:44):
Because if you have that big of a clash of
lifestyle choices preferences, it's going to catch up to you
and it's not going to be compatible. So in addition
to having your like non negotiables on what you're attracted
to or what's important to you, I do think it
is important to look into to energy and the nuances
of like lifestyle and things that you're gonna be most
(19:04):
compatible with as well as if someone's telling you they
want to have more kids and you don't want to
have kids. You have to pay attention to what people
are telling you and not make excuses like oh I.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Could yeah turn that person good, Yes, Barbie, that's s's
like danger.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
Listen to people when they finally reveal who they are.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Those are like things can be warning science and you
have to play attention to like the yellow flags and
the red flags and not lie to yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
No, you're right.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
And it's funny because sometimes I'll see an older men
on apps. They'll be a little nerdier about what they're
telling you, like what do you like to read and
what do you like to eat? And you're thinking, like
what a weirdo, But like actually they just don't want
to waste time. They want to know like are you
interested in sports? And like are you into because that
stuff is like the bridge between life and lifestyle, Like
(19:49):
breakfast life coach always says, you can't you can make
a lifestyle out of a life. You can't make a
life out of a lifestyle. What he means is if
the kindness you're discussing and who is the person actually
what are their core tenets. If they have that, then
the lifestyle does matter though, like what they want to do.
Do they want to ski? Do they want to you
know if you have I've seen people look interesting and
(20:11):
have young kids, because when something looks shiny in the window,
it looks good with the new car smell. But once
you get into it, it's like, I don't want to
be with a two year old running around. It's not
it doesn't make me a bad person. I don't want that.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
Oh, it's just he's not for you.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
And you have to create those boundaries because no one's
going to do that for you, and society is going
to push you around and judge.
Speaker 4 (20:30):
And that's why you have to live for yourself and make.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Your own decisions, because you have to live for yourself,
not pleasing anybody else and not And it's okay to
say no to the guy that is really into you
if you know that he's not your guy. Like you
have to silence everything and ask yourself, okay, gut check,
is this guy for me long term?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Even if he's amazing and handsome and rich and whatever. Yes,
because you because another person said to me, another like
famous person said, and she was in a relationship with
a major guy. Okay, major guy, but she was with
his family and she was like, I don't see myself
with these people. Like she's like, this is not these
are not my people. Now didn't mean they were terrible people.
(21:09):
It was like they were not her people, and like,
those are the things that happen that you try to
stuff down. Then when you guys aren't having sex as much,
and it's five years from now on a Thanksgiving, you're
miserable and depressed, and you wonder why, because if that
person spends a lot of time with those people, that's
going to be your life. Like, I think what you're
saying is being in a relationship is a self less
(21:30):
act in ways, but dating is a selfish act in ways.
You're like, this is what I want and I have
to not compromise. When you get with someone, you have
to you have to let yourself open up a little
correct first.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
You have to clarity and declare your non negotiables and
declare what you want. But when you're in a relationship,
I really believe it's like being co CEOs in the
relationship and making sure that you have healthy communication styles.
I always say anything that's not watered decays, whether that's relationship,
romantic relationship or work environment relationship, anything like that. You
(22:04):
have to water your relationship. And the second you stop
communicating about how are we doing? Am I giving you
what you need? Do you feel supported? Do you feel loved?
What can I do better on it? It really matters
because people will stop saying it because they feel they're
not being heard and understood or they're going to be
made fun of. And it's like, but if I'm we're
really intimate into really healthy union and I'm telling you, hey,
(22:25):
I need you to respect me on this, or I
need more of this from you, or I need less
of this, and that person really acts on it, it's
going to be such a yummy, healthy relationship because you
could geek out on being the best couple together and
working on it.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
That's an amazing point.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Because people do feel uncomfortable and awkward and dorky talking
about sex and talking about like I said, like guys
will be like, hey, what do you like to do
on the weekends? And it's like a little weird because
you're used to just relying on chemistry and that's not mature.
So we're at a different age now where you have
to be mature and you're saying to the point earlier
to what was in the article, you have to be
(23:02):
a full person that's ready to enter into.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
It's like business.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
You can't be ready to get into it to be
an entrepreneur if you don't know how difficult it's going
to be and what it's going to take. So if
you're going to enter into a relationship, you have to
be willing to allow yourself to be loved. Something that
I've struggled with in something that I've been doing the
work and talking to therapists and opening up stuff from
my past traumas and be, like you said, a little,
you have to geek out on it a little because
(23:26):
you both.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Have to want that when you meet.
Speaker 3 (23:28):
Someone that has the communications style it similar to yours
and is okay doing that? And I think that sometimes well, well,
you also have to factor in is when you meet
someone you have that chemistry, you know, I'm all for
if you're for you know, exploring the chemistry early on,
as long as it doesn't shut off communication skills, because
sometimes people will sleep with someone and then they stop
(23:49):
voicing what they need and that should just be the
beginning of it, because you have to keep acting on
what you need in the relationship ongoing. It's not just
enough that there's chemistry. It's not just enough that you're
on the same Lime Lifestyle page. It has to be ongoing,
allowing two people to evolve and be individuals and grow
together and also allow people to give them what they
(24:10):
need and feel that supported.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Well, right.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
I heard someone say that, like, first it's chemistry, and
then it's sort of like intention, like do we want
to do this? But then it's ultimately. Then it's ultimately
commitment like are the two people going to commit? And
then compatibility like I think we underestimate compatibility a lot.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
And then it's communications and it's ongoing. It never stops.
But I do think that when people that have been
previously married and look, I mean, life is tough. I
meant the stories I hear about people that never wanted
to get divorced or never thought they'd be talking to
me because they had an amazing marriage and ended.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
Too soon us their widowed.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
It's more about figuring out okay, like now that the
hand that you were given, it's now, what are you
going to do about it? To make sure that you
can get back to a healed place and a happy heart.
And you shouldn't meet people and go out before you
feel ready to, because then you're gonna be in front
of people with a sad heart, or treat it like
you're your therapist, or like talk negative about people, and
(25:07):
that's where people smell the desperrac or smell seeing your opportunity.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
They're not going back at with you.
Speaker 4 (25:13):
You waste your opportunity.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
It's a job interview, it's an executive search, and if
you go in there and you're a disaster, they're not
gonna want to meet you later.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Right, So don't you don't want to like spray all
over your pool of prospects if you're not ready for it.
And know the difference when you are what you're sharing
with a girlfriend privately, Know the difference what you're sharing
with a therapist privately, and when you're actually on a date,
which is like a job interview. You want to be
authentic self. But if you're over sharing and you're talking
(25:42):
about people in your life that you dislike or any
negative rampage, you're going to be shooting yourself out of
This guy's gonna say she's not healed, or she's so angry,
or look how she treats Look how she treats weight staff.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
You could really read an unhappy heart.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
So I when my women I deal with are despite
maybe the ship storms of things that have happened in
someone's life, show up happy and loving and playful. I
always say that's your secret sauce, like lead with that,
because that's going to be so refreshing that you are
a full person and that you've been through all of
this and you it's sunshine in your life.
Speaker 4 (26:18):
Like that is.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
You're not saying like not deep. You're just saying the light.
You have the light.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
You know when someone has the light, and you're attracted
to the energy and the light. And if you don't
feel that way about yourself, wait to put yourself out
there right.
Speaker 4 (26:29):
I'm not saying fake it and be fake and like
Pollyanna about it.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
I'm saying, if you are in a bad place, it
could be that something just happened to.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
You that day.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Then if you can't switch gears and show up your
authentic self with it with a happy heart exactly on
the date, if you should exactly business, you should not
be dating. If you're not feeling good about yourself because
it's not going to translate. It's not going to get
you to the second date. It's going to be a
one date situation.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
To walk back to, walk back to after, walk back
to the after
I'm having Barbie Adler on today. She is a dating
expert who specializes in high net worth individuals. These are
the pickiest individuals. These are people that are actually paying
customers to meet someone. So the reason I wanted to
have her on to talk here is because I am
launching a dating series. We are going to talk about
(00:34):
dating every which way but Sunday, from money to sex,
to commitment to divorce, to mistakes to dating apps, to
meeting through friends, to matchmaking, to sleeping with people on
the first or the one hundredth date. We're going to
get into all of it to launch this series officially
because I've been dabbling in dating and I'm seeing that
(00:55):
you guys are devouring this. I went from death to
divorce to now dating, and as my own personal journey
has evolved into a place where I am ready to
start talking about dating, I want to take you with me.
I want to take you with me, not on dates,
not revealing personal information, but on the dating dynamics. And
if you can't afford an expensive matchmaker, which you probably can't,
(01:18):
I want to give you all the information for free.
I want you to know what you've got right, what
you've got wrong, the mistakes you're making. I want you
to have game or decide that you are happy being alone,
because no matter what, I have always had game.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
I have game.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
The likes of someone in their twenties, thirties, forties, okay,
whether divorced, whether in your fifties, whether middle age, whether
you feel bad about yourself, whether you have five kids
or zero kids, there is something for you if you
want it. So we're going to go into this in depth.
And I'm going to start this series officially with a
dating expert named Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She has
(01:58):
a great reputation. She charges hundreds of thousands of dollars
to find people love and she's been very successful at it.
And hopefully if you like this, we'll have many dating
experts on. We're going to get into many different dynamics
and topics and you are going to learn so much,
and we are going to get into dating like no
one else is getting into dating. There will be no
(02:20):
other show like this because we are going to dive
so deep into this topic that I have institutional knowledge
on just the same way that I have institutional knowledge
on divorce and all of my mistakes and successes I
am going to share with you so you'll be better
in your own dating life. Welcome to just be dating.
(02:45):
So this is Barbie. She is what I would call
if I was saying it to a girlfriend, a high
end matchmaker. She can clarify or correct once I get
through this, But like ultimately I would say, if you
had to say a blanket statement would be like a
probably a high net worth matchmaker and an elite matchmaker.
And they're a handful of Barbie's in the country, not many.
(03:08):
It's a very specific and selective craft that.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Is honed in on and Barbie.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I'm anxious to get your advice and expertise and say
that I'm about to enter into the dating space, like
I'm I'm dipping my toe in and maybe we'll discuss
me after everybody else, but I may. I think I'm
ready to enter into the dating space. So maybe you'll
give me some advice or give me a prescription about that.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
I would love that, and I'm so happy for you.
I think it's one of those times in life that
you just have to silence all the noise and really
take stock in your past relationship, what worked, what didn't work,
and what you really feel like this time around you
really need There's no right answer, but the biggest thing
is making sure that you're doing it for yourself and
(04:00):
not trying to please others because that's a louse louse scenario.
Speaker 4 (04:04):
So okay, but.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
I'm happy for you. You're entering your dating era and
that is I hope you're excited.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Well, I'll get into me after, but I first want
to get into So your company is called Selective Search,
and you have a good reputation. I know that I've
heard that, and the way that I see what you
do before we get into so most people, if you're
at a certain age, you remember the days of you
went out to a bar, you went out to a
nightclub and you met people that way. Or the matchmaking
(04:32):
is just some people dabble in being matchmakers. Some people
in their community set people up with other people. You know,
most people can't afford a matchmaker, so they want to
put themselves out there and tell other people that they're single.
And I guess the first question jumping into my mind
is sometimes there's a nuance to it being desperate to
telling people you want to meet someone, because you say,
(04:53):
as a woman of a certain age, you want to
meet someone, and then summer rulers are as, oh my god,
it's really hard, and then that's sort of a little degrading,
makes the woman crawl on their shell and feel a
little bit like, you know, the spinster. So what do
you think about that? How is someone supposed to approach
they want to date? I'm not talking about twenty five
year olds. I think like I'm talking about women, moms
(05:14):
divorce is like, what's a woman supposed to do? She
wants to date, she has kids, and she's feeling a
little awkward about it.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
I mean, this is one of the reasons why I
started Selective Search twenty five years ago, was really to
revolutionize the way people meet each other because you, I
believe that you need to be unapologetic about having high
standards and if you have created a great life for yourself,
why is your personal life any different? So just how
you're outsourcing personal trainer, finance, all the things that we
(05:43):
do to outsource, knowing that it's smart idea to surround
yourself with the best in class expert why isn't your
personal life any different? To think that you're just going
to meet this person by chance. That's not doing yourself
any favorite because right when you're younger, of course, you
can meet friends of friends, and it's easier your social
network is when you get older. Sometimes you don't want
to you already know every in your social circles, or
(06:05):
you feel like your friends are not fixing you up,
which happens way too often. I think people need to
be better matchmakers to each other and help in that regard.
But the reason why we exist is to help people
like yourself who have put together an amazing life for
themselves and are looking additive for a partner, not a passenger.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
And that is really the power is.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
It's not about I think more women have to understand,
it's not about waiting to be selected or chosen. It's
really powerful when you realize you're in the driver's seat
of your life.
Speaker 4 (06:36):
You're the main act.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
You know, the character in your life is not just
about like the plot, it's do it for. What's a
healthy relationship, What's the one that's going to go the distance?
Speaker 1 (06:57):
What you're talking about is very mez, and the average
person listening cannot afford aramez. You charge into the hundreds
of thousands of dollars annually to introduce people so, but
if someone knows the quality of an air Mez bag,
then they certainly could help someone know the quality of
a bag at a street fair because the leather it's about.
And my opinion is so, I pay a lot of
(07:18):
money for PR every month, but I could be a
publicist and I could tell somebody else how to do
their own PR. With all due respect to my publicists,
I don't have the time to do it. I could
do it. I could be a marketing expert and I
could teach someone how to do that. So the average
person doesn't have the money to have a matchmaker. If
they do, I strongly suggest it because what she's saying,
she treats it like an executive search where you're going
(07:39):
to cut through the bullshit, you're going to know exactly
what you want. And a lot of women rush and
matchmakers are very like it's a very slow and low
cooking process, and people it could teach the average person
how to operate because you go on these apps and
you just want to fill the void. And I've gotten
into so many relationships by meeting someone not sticking to
(07:59):
the things that I intended to stick to. Getting into
the car, the car has the wrong sign. It seems
good because either I'm lonely or I feel bad about myself.
Then you're locked into a multi year relationship and you
wasted time and maybe some of your good years. So
the way that I see it, I've been bad at choosing.
I'm not saying I've had some good relationships. I'm just
saying I've maybe been bad at choosing for the long
(08:20):
haul in my life, or maybe choosing people that I
don't end up wanting to stay in relationships with. But
I have been It's not even lucky. I have had
game at every age. And I see young women that
are gorgeous that are saying they can't meet men and
there are no good men, and I think that they're
focusing on the wrong things. I think that women put
(08:41):
too much emphasis on their physical appearance, and that only
goes so far. I think that men want someone who
is I call it a fully put together. They don't
want to an ikey addresser. They have to put together,
and women walk in without bringing something to the table,
and any cases, they just have their hands out and
(09:01):
think they just want to meet a rich guy who's
going to take care of them. And what a women
have to bring to the table. What are men finding attractive?
Speaker 3 (09:10):
I think men find what attractive is someone that is happy.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
Hearts.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
They could sniff out ill motives, they could sniff out
broken hearts on healed hearts into sadness, and if you're
just going to trade on looks as a currency to
your point, it's not going to get you far. So
I think the most attractive thing to a man is
someone that's authentically happy and is leading an interesting life.
And it doesn't have to be a fancy life. It's
(09:34):
just someone that's doing cool things that they're passionate about,
whether it's a charity or their work, or their their
family oriented. It's just basically leading the whatever makes you
happy and feeling like the happiness is from within and
that you're interesting and fun. It's like it's like you
want to stay curious, you want to be always fresh
and happy and like not just trading just on your looks.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
That's interesting that you say that, because in the article
I read about you, I think it was CNBC, you
basically said you don't want to start dating until you're
someone that you would want to date, which is kind
of what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
You're saying that don't. I'll be honest.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
When I first had my recent breakup, I wanted to
know that I still had game. I was like rushing it,
like in my mind because I was nervous. I was
six years older, and I know that I always have
had an incredible game, but I was nervous. And once
I found out that it was possible, I made a
choice to be single for a while, meaning alone, not
just single like screwing around. I didn't want to get
(10:32):
into any cars. I didn't want to sleep with anyone.
I wanted to say, I'm I can be an alone
person and then make a true choice, not out of fear.
So that because making as choice out of fear is
being unhappy. And so now that I feel happy and
settled and confident, now I feel like I could bring
something to the table.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Because to your point, men can smell like blood in
the water.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Desperation, or like you're freaked out or you just want it,
or you want someone to make you feel better.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
I think you first, the most important relationship is with yourself,
and that happiness only could come from you. It's you're
not filled by another person. You have to feel fulfilled
by yourself. So if you feel And of course it's
very normal to want to see if you still have
it and to be liked and to have that validation.
But the biggest thing is who cares what else thinks?
It's what you think of yourself. And to really get
(11:19):
that silence and that clarity of okay, am I the
version I want to be to attract the person I
want to meet? And what makes me happy without a
man or without a partner, whoever that is, And what
do I need to do to be happy?
Speaker 4 (11:34):
Because it's not going to be solved by a person.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
But when you feel like you've done that work, you
want to make sure you're asking yourself okay, And it's
really about saying, Okay, what do I need to do?
I'm projecting myself the right way. It could be everything
from self care, both mental health, physical health, as well
as am I so wounded and hurt that I'm busying
myself with work or I'm doing other things where I'm
(11:58):
not even allowing myself because I don't want to feel
that pain again.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
So I really think it's important to.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Really figure out what worked so you could repeat that
pattern that worked and then also break unhealthy patterns.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
You're saying like you did a recipe, but you just
did one thing. It was too salty, but everything else
seemed to be good.
Speaker 4 (12:15):
Right, you got to tweak it.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
That's great.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
You have to.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
You need to if you think about in life, we
have strategic plans to get ahead professionally. Nobody teaches how
to pick the right person. So if your picker's broken,
no one's telling you how to heal a broken heart,
how to pick the right person. When you're younger, it's
based on like attraction and you're just having that chemistry,
(12:39):
but no one's teaching you the foundations of what really
matters is is he kind? Is he supportive of what's
important to you? Does he show up when you need
him to? Does he allow you to be yourself when
you need independence. It's more about understanding like who you are,
what you need, what you don't need, and then making
sure that you're clear and you're not negotiables and not
(13:00):
compromising because like you said, when you get back into that.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Car, no totally, I'm thinking of the scene and something's
got to give. Where Jack Nichelson goes back to the
relationships to see everything he's done wrong because this is
too important now and here's what I will say to
women of a certain age that I can say with
great certainty, the age really doesn't matter because there is
a seat for every ass and people are at different stages.
The fifty nine year old successful man, really, for the
(13:23):
most part, if he's anyone you would want to date,
doesn't want a thirty two year old. It's going to
be ridiculous with all. I mean, it's okay to have
an age difference, and there are exceptions. I'm saying, by
and large, women have these stereotypes that they just think, oh,
they're not gonna want me, And I think that negative
energy is bad. But I do think the stakes get
higher at this age because you definitely don't have as
(13:43):
much time.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I mean, that's a fact.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
So now you have to be serious and you have
to go take stock of everything you've done before and
not just hate all men, and really look at yourself
and think about what you've done wrong and not wrong,
or what you've chosen, how you've chosen poorly. And literally
recently there's been a man who's very in me and
he really likes me, and he's like love bombing me.
But I already made the decision that he wasn't going
(14:06):
to be right for me. And what I've done in
the past and gotten into serious relationships as a result
is get into a weak point and end up going
for someone because of how much they like me.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
That's my pattern.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
And then you get on a road, maybe the sex
is good, maybe something happens, you convince yourself in a
weak moment that that's what you need, and then you're
on the wrong road and you're wasting time not finding
what you really want. So you have to be able
to be a little insecure and be secure on your
own and don't settle for that reason because you're going
to be getting in the wrong car. And that's why
(14:38):
you can't rush it. Yes, like if Barbie, if I
call you today, you're not going to have a guy
in your office who's there for me.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
You're gonna have to go look for it.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
I think it's such an important message for women to
understand that it's okay to want someone, but they first
have to make sure that they're listening to themselves, of
taking a temperature read historically of what worked and what
didn't work, and how now what they're really looking for
is that a healthy love?
Speaker 4 (15:03):
I think that's the problem is when.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
You look at your parents, whoever raise you, is that's
kind of your role models for love. And some of
us are blessed that have good role models for love,
and other people aren't so lucky. So they might pick
a partner what mirrors the modeling that they had and
so if they feel safe and comfortable with it, but
it could be an unhealthy type of love. So you
(15:25):
have to realize, like unrite the rules of like what
you saw and what you might have seen an abusive
partnership or people that didn't honor what they needed. But
you feel safe in that environment because you've seen that,
But you have to really realize that it's now up
to you to decide what's the healthy relationship, what that
looks like to you.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
That's the generational trauma that people have to break the chain.
But by the way, it goes the other way too.
I've entered into relationships I call it the pendulum. So
you have a relationship that's one way and it didn't
work for you. So let's say that, like I had
a very not Let's say I had a horrendous divorce
and it made me feel a certain way, and I
believe that I wanted to run into the softest landing.
(16:04):
While that's amazing, it's more of a reaction than like
you can't recalibrate yourself back to being center and what
you wanted to begin with. Like, just because you're with
someone who's controlling and physically abused you or is toxic,
doesn't mean that you have to then go be with
somebody that is not who you would have wanted to
begin with. You're just sort of so traumatized that you're
(16:25):
like a dog that came out of a cage and
you're just shivering and you just need a blanket.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
And that's where you really need to be healing your
own self and not being in a relationship, because then,
like you said, you're swinging in the opposite direction and
the recipe still isn't right, because now you're not getting
what you need, and if you're you're either making excuses
in your head like at least you're not lonely, or
at least with somebody, or this guy loves you and
likes you, is into you, but if you're not into him,
(16:51):
it's going to fade, and then you're just wasting your time.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
So what I do think is fascinating is that so
many women. I want someone tall, I want someone brown hair,
I want someone who lives here, does that. But what
they don't discuss enough is two things, nuance and energy.
And what I mean by nuance is like someone it's
the same thing. You're trying to put a square into
a round hole. Like someone's like, oh, yeah, well I
belong to a sailing club, or you know, I love phishing,
(17:28):
and in your mind, because you're a little needy, you're
gonna like now mold yourself into someone who's gonna like
pretend you like fishing or that you would fit in
at a waspy sailing club.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
And that's kind of nuance.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
The person could be six foot, went to Columbia, is rich,
but like they're into sailing, and you're just like, that's
not going to be you. Or someone's super like stoic,
old money, stoic, and like you're kind of a little
wild and like energetically, that might not vibe. So I
want to talk about those, not the tiles, but the
calk in between, not the big ticket items, but the
(17:59):
things that are like energetically and being truthful about how
you live every day and how that other person lives
every day.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
I think if you think about the big things, that's
like the rocks and then the sand is what is
in between everything right, And so obviously the biggest thing
is for people to really understand that the foundation of
building a healthy, loving relationship is the things that matter.
Speaker 4 (18:20):
Is he respectful? Is he kind? Is he commitment minded?
Speaker 3 (18:23):
To see the integrity that makes you that goes the
distance to kind of be playing long term not short term.
Of course, you want someone that you find it attractive,
that you want to like take your clothes off and
feel sexy around, and you feel that that person's sexy,
but you have to realize to your point that you
can't bend like a pretzel and make excuses in your
mind like, oh, it's okay that he likes to fish.
(18:44):
Because if you have that big of a clash of
lifestyle choices preferences, it's going to catch up to you
and it's not going to be compatible. So in addition
to having your like non negotiables on what you're attracted
to or what's important to you, I do think it
is important to look into to energy and the nuances
of like lifestyle and things that you're gonna be most
(19:04):
compatible with as well as if someone's telling you they
want to have more kids and you don't want to
have kids. You have to pay attention to what people
are telling you and not make excuses like oh I.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Could yeah turn that person good, Yes, Barbie, that's s's
like danger.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
Listen to people when they finally reveal who they are.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Those are like things can be warning science and you
have to play attention to like the yellow flags and
the red flags and not lie to yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
No, you're right.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
And it's funny because sometimes I'll see an older men
on apps. They'll be a little nerdier about what they're
telling you, like what do you like to read and
what do you like to eat? And you're thinking, like
what a weirdo, But like actually they just don't want
to waste time. They want to know like are you
interested in sports? And like are you into because that
stuff is like the bridge between life and lifestyle, Like
(19:49):
breakfast life coach always says, you can't you can make
a lifestyle out of a life. You can't make a
life out of a lifestyle. What he means is if
the kindness you're discussing and who is the person actually
what are their core tenets. If they have that, then
the lifestyle does matter though, like what they want to do.
Do they want to ski? Do they want to you
know if you have I've seen people look interesting and
(20:11):
have young kids, because when something looks shiny in the window,
it looks good with the new car smell. But once
you get into it, it's like, I don't want to
be with a two year old running around. It's not
it doesn't make me a bad person. I don't want that.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
Oh, it's just he's not for you.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
And you have to create those boundaries because no one's
going to do that for you, and society is going
to push you around and judge.
Speaker 4 (20:30):
And that's why you have to live for yourself and make.
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Your own decisions, because you have to live for yourself,
not pleasing anybody else and not And it's okay to
say no to the guy that is really into you
if you know that he's not your guy. Like you
have to silence everything and ask yourself, okay, gut check,
is this guy for me long term?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Even if he's amazing and handsome and rich and whatever. Yes,
because you because another person said to me, another like
famous person said, and she was in a relationship with
a major guy. Okay, major guy, but she was with
his family and she was like, I don't see myself
with these people. Like she's like, this is not these
are not my people. Now didn't mean they were terrible people.
(21:09):
It was like they were not her people, and like,
those are the things that happen that you try to
stuff down. Then when you guys aren't having sex as much,
and it's five years from now on a Thanksgiving, you're
miserable and depressed, and you wonder why, because if that
person spends a lot of time with those people, that's
going to be your life. Like, I think what you're
saying is being in a relationship is a self less
(21:30):
act in ways, but dating is a selfish act in ways.
You're like, this is what I want and I have
to not compromise. When you get with someone, you have
to you have to let yourself open up a little
correct first.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
You have to clarity and declare your non negotiables and
declare what you want. But when you're in a relationship,
I really believe it's like being co CEOs in the
relationship and making sure that you have healthy communication styles.
I always say anything that's not watered decays, whether that's relationship,
romantic relationship or work environment relationship, anything like that. You
(22:04):
have to water your relationship. And the second you stop
communicating about how are we doing? Am I giving you
what you need? Do you feel supported? Do you feel loved?
What can I do better on it? It really matters
because people will stop saying it because they feel they're
not being heard and understood or they're going to be
made fun of. And it's like, but if I'm we're
really intimate into really healthy union and I'm telling you, hey,
(22:25):
I need you to respect me on this, or I
need more of this from you, or I need less
of this, and that person really acts on it, it's
going to be such a yummy, healthy relationship because you
could geek out on being the best couple together and
working on it.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
That's an amazing point.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Because people do feel uncomfortable and awkward and dorky talking
about sex and talking about like I said, like guys
will be like, hey, what do you like to do
on the weekends? And it's like a little weird because
you're used to just relying on chemistry and that's not mature.
So we're at a different age now where you have
to be mature and you're saying to the point earlier
to what was in the article, you have to be
(23:02):
a full person that's ready to enter into.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
It's like business.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
You can't be ready to get into it to be
an entrepreneur if you don't know how difficult it's going
to be and what it's going to take. So if
you're going to enter into a relationship, you have to
be willing to allow yourself to be loved. Something that
I've struggled with in something that I've been doing the
work and talking to therapists and opening up stuff from
my past traumas and be, like you said, a little,
you have to geek out on it a little because
(23:26):
you both.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Have to want that when you meet.
Speaker 3 (23:28):
Someone that has the communications style it similar to yours
and is okay doing that? And I think that sometimes well, well,
you also have to factor in is when you meet
someone you have that chemistry, you know, I'm all for
if you're for you know, exploring the chemistry early on,
as long as it doesn't shut off communication skills, because
sometimes people will sleep with someone and then they stop
(23:49):
voicing what they need and that should just be the
beginning of it, because you have to keep acting on
what you need in the relationship ongoing. It's not just
enough that there's chemistry. It's not just enough that you're
on the same Lime Lifestyle page. It has to be ongoing,
allowing two people to evolve and be individuals and grow
together and also allow people to give them what they
(24:10):
need and feel that supported.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Well, right.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
I heard someone say that, like, first it's chemistry, and
then it's sort of like intention, like do we want
to do this? But then it's ultimately. Then it's ultimately
commitment like are the two people going to commit? And
then compatibility like I think we underestimate compatibility a lot.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
And then it's communications and it's ongoing. It never stops.
But I do think that when people that have been
previously married and look, I mean, life is tough. I
meant the stories I hear about people that never wanted
to get divorced or never thought they'd be talking to
me because they had an amazing marriage and ended.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
Too soon us their widowed.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
It's more about figuring out okay, like now that the
hand that you were given, it's now, what are you
going to do about it? To make sure that you
can get back to a healed place and a happy heart.
And you shouldn't meet people and go out before you
feel ready to, because then you're gonna be in front
of people with a sad heart, or treat it like
you're your therapist, or like talk negative about people, and
(25:07):
that's where people smell the desperrac or smell seeing your opportunity.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
They're not going back at with you.
Speaker 4 (25:13):
You waste your opportunity.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
It's a job interview, it's an executive search, and if
you go in there and you're a disaster, they're not
gonna want to meet you later.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Right, So don't you don't want to like spray all
over your pool of prospects if you're not ready for it.
And know the difference when you are what you're sharing
with a girlfriend privately, Know the difference what you're sharing
with a therapist privately, and when you're actually on a date,
which is like a job interview. You want to be
authentic self. But if you're over sharing and you're talking
(25:42):
about people in your life that you dislike or any
negative rampage, you're going to be shooting yourself out of
This guy's gonna say she's not healed, or she's so angry,
or look how she treats Look how she treats weight staff.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
You could really read an unhappy heart.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
So I when my women I deal with are despite
maybe the ship storms of things that have happened in
someone's life, show up happy and loving and playful. I
always say that's your secret sauce, like lead with that,
because that's going to be so refreshing that you are
a full person and that you've been through all of
this and you it's sunshine in your life.
Speaker 4 (26:18):
Like that is.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
You're not saying like not deep. You're just saying the light.
You have the light.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
You know when someone has the light, and you're attracted
to the energy and the light. And if you don't
feel that way about yourself, wait to put yourself out
there right.
Speaker 4 (26:29):
I'm not saying fake it and be fake and like
Pollyanna about it.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
I'm saying, if you are in a bad place, it
could be that something just happened to.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
You that day.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Then if you can't switch gears and show up your
authentic self with it with a happy heart exactly on
the date, if you should exactly business, you should not
be dating. If you're not feeling good about yourself because
it's not going to translate. It's not going to get
you to the second date. It's going to be a
one date situation.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
To walk back to, walk back to after, walk back
to the after
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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