August 22, 2024 • 19 mins
What are the rules? First date? Fourth date? It's a minefield.
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Sex. Are you very traditional or you're somewhat be secure
in your own life and body and also go with
the flow. You can't seem so calculated.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
I would say the latter.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Everybody said that that's fascinating. I think the rules are
so archaic and ridiculous, and I think a person who's
so repressed that if both people are really feeling something
and it's strong, and they're adults, for like, you're not
twenty two years old where you know? So I think
it's different at a certain age that everyone has agreed
with you, which I find shocking.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Yeah, no, I think for sure.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
I mean, like you said, you were all adults, and
if there's this poll that you feel, why not okay?
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Amazing? Like you have not experienced that someone's going to
solely not like someone because they had sex with them.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Yeah, I don't think that's I don't think that's right.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
I think if you know, we have enough information about
each party, I might say, you know, she's the kiss
on the cheek kind of girl on the first date.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
I would tell my client that, so he knows, but
she might not be that night. I mean, who knows.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
Right, we don't have any rules, and I don't think
it really matters. I think it just depends on what
you're doing, how the date's going, all those things.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
How often do you see someone drinking too much out
of nerves and blowing it?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
It's funny.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
I don't get that too often on the first date,
but I've definitely gotten it on the second date.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Sometimes it's happened.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Interesting because it was going so well, people started to
feel a little more comfortable on the second date, and
then it's like whoa.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Sometimes it happens like recently, I set up a date
and it was five o'clock and she told me that
he's sucked down in martini in about three minutes, and
it was five pm. And he told me he thought
she'd was so beautiful, so he was no risk, and
he felt like he needs the sort of you know,
the confidence juice a little bit, and he's like, I
ordered a glass of wine up after that and just
(02:08):
sipped it. But she was a little turned off about
how quickly they went down.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Well, I explained. I explained to.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Her that he was a little nervous because he was
taken by her beauty and she was flattered.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
But I don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
I mean, you just have to watch it, but I
don't hear it that often. Actually, I feel like so
many people don't. A lot of people don't even drink anymore.
We typically don't set up coffee dates, but you know,
there's so many mocktails and things like that you can
order that, so it hasn't been an issue.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Okay, So if you Joe hires you, and he's very
serious and he's good looking, and he's wealthy and he
wants to meet someone, what, first of all, what's your
success rate? How many people have gotten engaged and then
married either like engaged and then a separate number is married.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
So I don't have the exact numbers because there are
people who choose to let us know. Let's say they've
dated for a long time, and we sort of can
be as involved as little involved as they want. And
part of our whole philosophy and I think edge, is
that we are very private on both sides, so we
(03:16):
don't share pictures or last being so your privacy is
protected and that's important to us. So you know, there's
been people that we found out ten years later that
they're married and have kids, and we like, wow, we
never knew.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Oh really, yes, yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
But not too often. And I also think it depends
on what stage of life. There are people who have
been married once twice and they don't want to get
married again. So we don't measure success by marriages because
I think it's twenty twenty four and some people just
don't want to get married, you know, again or for
the first time. They just want to be together. But
(03:52):
we do have a very high success rate, and I
think it's partially because we only work with people that
we can help. So if you come in with unrealistic
expectations or the wrong intentions, we are not going to
work with you.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Okay, So Joe comes to you, he is ready, he
wants to commit, you believe him. How long does it
usually take for that person that's a good catch. They
take care of themselves, they're not a disaster. You wouldn't
allow someone who's a disaster into your group. So how
long is the average time it would take for you
to proactively find someone for that person? What I'm trying
(04:29):
to bridge for people who can't afford a matchmaker is like,
if they proactively decide to treat it like a job,
which I think that they should, if they have a
sense of self, if they're happy, if they feel confident,
if they're a whole person. If they're not, the pendulum
isn't swinging as a rebound. So Jane is ready. She
feels good, she's healthy, she's done the work, she's gone
to therapy, she's over the X what. She's a solid person,
(04:51):
she's healthy, she's fit, she's good. If she's treating this
as a job. Obviously she probably has a main job,
but she's treating this dating as a job. She might
be going on the app asking people, she's looking at LinkedIn.
She's on the case. I'm trying to bridge a gap
for you're on the case for someone, and how long
usually as experts, which Jane is not, how long is
(05:11):
it usually taking you to find that person the right person?
And then yeah, what the volume of dates, let's say
per month they're going on?
Speaker 3 (05:21):
I would say, you know, I would say, keep your
outlets to a minimum, don't overwhelm yourself, and go on
like you know, even though you're treating it like a job,
compartmentalize it a little bit because it will be very
overwhelming otherwise.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
And then and you can lose taste in your mind.
You can be disgusted by the whole process.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
And you might start sounding like a robot.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
You know, you just have the same narrative on every date,
and it's not even it doesn't even feel good.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
It doesn't even feel natural good.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
So I think, you know, maybe say for the next
three months, I'm going to do these two apps and
then use my other outlets friends, family, But it may
be I'm going to try to go.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
On one date a week.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Okay, I think one to two, depending on again the
stage of life. If you have kids and stuff like that,
you maybe one. If you're single and you have work
and stuff like that, maybe two.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
But I wouldn't overdo it because you will exhaust yourself.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
That's not unlike business either, though, people wouldn't do four
business meetings in a week either.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Right, So I think it's just really setting some boundaries
for yourself. But then I think it's also important to
take everything your criteria and what you're looking for and
expanding it a little bit more because you will get
more opportunities even if it's not in your parameters. I
(06:47):
think it's important to get out of your comfort zone
a little bit because we're all creatures of habit and
we tend to gravitate towards the same things, and we
miss so much of the peripheral because of that.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
That's a great note. Yeah, that's a great note.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
And the thing is, yeah, it's like we love the
same restaurant, but the restaurant next door, and they keep
going to that same restaurant because it's good, it's consistent.
We know the leaders, and we're always happy when we leave,
but the restaurant next door is just as good, but
we don't try it because we just like what we're
used to do.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah, you always pick up the same color lipstick and
you don't try new things. And that's true too. And
I've always been with the same sort of type of
like concert like business guy that all. My friend Louis
said to me, you've been with the same guy over
and over like and he said rock stars need rock stars,
which I didn't know exactly what he meant, and he
doesn't mean a literal rock star, but like to think
about athletes or actors or artists or something different. For me,
(07:41):
that's that's you know, that's a yeah, leaving the comfort zone.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
No, I think give yourself, you know, a timeline and
don't overwhelm yourself also, you know, maybe you know it's
if it's two dates a week, maybe that one date
is someone that you wouldn't have necessarily chosen on your.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Own or picked because it's out of your comfort zone.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
But just to try new things and at least try it,
because you just never know what you're missing unless you
try that new thing.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Okay, So for you, if you have that guy Joe,
is it taking you six months usually to find them
someone that they really like?
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:29):
How long is it taking you when you're being proactive
about it?
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I mean, we try to do it the sooner the better,
because that's the goal. Right We're not trying to send
them out on twenty dates. We're trying to send them.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Out on three.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
And I think in the beginning, I would say in
the beginning, we have to sort of know who they
are and get an idea of what they're liking and
what they're disliking. Because we've talked about past relationships, we've
talked about their goals and all those things. But Einstein's
definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and
over again and expecting a different result. So our job
(09:03):
is to sort of be the expert and say you
know this is going to look good on you too,
not just what you've chosen in the past, but you
should try this as well. So I would say again,
the younger client needs a little bit more time, and
I find because they're not they have more going for
(09:23):
them and they're a little bit more unsure of what's.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Going to be in twenty directions. I don't have kids yet,
they could do whatever they want. Yeah, and that well,
I think what I'm saying is to me, I think
it takes a while, and I think people have to
be very patient to the point of earlier. So I
guess it shouldn't take forever, but I don't think it
should be, you know, six weeks. I think it takes
(09:47):
months to to to if you're That's what I was
trying to like get at based on that rushing.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
And I think you know the way we've designed and
you can set these internal timelines for yourself. You know,
let's say you go out on your five first states
and you happen to like one of those people a lot.
You know, give yourself an internal timeline. Don't tell the person,
or you can tell your friends and say, you know what,
I'm going to give this relationship three months or six weeks,
(10:15):
we're going to go out, We're going to maybe take
a trip, a weekend trip together.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
Six weeks or I would say three months is more realistic.
And if I'm not feeling the poll and I really
don't feel different than I do today, then I'm going
to shelve it, you know, like I'm going to.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Do move on.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
I think most people that I hear from on my
social media and in my comments, most won't even get
to the second date. That's what I think they're frustrated
with that they would be thrilled to have a situation
where they'd want to go away on a vacation. I'm
finding that most people, myself included, wouldn't even want to
go on a second date, much less, in many cases,
a first date.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Yeah, well, mabe have I always tell people if they're
doing the updating, maybe you'd if it's if we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Updating, I guess even even people introducing.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
I guess, yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
I think second dates are super important because you just
never know.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
What Okay, I noted. The other thing is I think,
how different do you think what a fifty five year
old or a fifty eight year old or a forty
eight year old, a man who's divorced. He's how different
is what he's looking for second time around than first chapter? Drastic?
Very different. They were young, they made very different decisions,
(11:28):
and what is that man looking for.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I think it depends if the first marriage was successful
and you know, maybe she loved him, or they had
a very you know, really deep connection and it was successful,
but they just sort of grew apart and it became
you know, just cohabitating and it was more platonic, or
if it was tumultuous and volatile and all those things.
(11:53):
I find most men want something different than their first
time around. They want something like a different look, a
different mindset. I have a lot of men that married
young and at that time, you know, when you're young,
you sort of want someone at the same level. Maybe
(12:15):
you went to like business school together, and you have
the same pedigree, and everything was just sort of the
way the same way.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
The corporate latter works.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
It is just everything that your family wanted and that yes,
we're supposed to do. And then you reached a point
in your life and you're like, okay, I just married
basically like my sister or the same person but female,
and I'm not learning from that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
That's what I This is what I was getting at that.
That was sort of getting at that because I've seen
that a bit where someone's doing when you're younger, you're
more impressionable. You're doing what your family thinks. Maybe it's
a religious thing. You're doing what you should be marrying
the person that has the same religion as you, or
grew up in the same neighborhood, or the parents are friends.
And people later are realizing it's their own journey, like
(12:58):
this is this is my time on the planet, and
I need to get what I want. Yeah, not my kids,
cause my kids are older. I have to do this
for me kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
So I do think in that second chapter, you know,
a lot of my clients it was just good. I
think a lot of people do work on themselves before
they start that second chapter, because if you've been through divorce,
you typically do that run yourself and your family and
all those things, and you know, finding someone that compliments
you is the better way to go because that relationship
will lasts longer and you will sort of learn from
(13:31):
each other. You know, you don't want to be with
someone who's exactly like you.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
They have that sibling thing. I've heard that before, where
relationships people become siblings and like roommates.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Almost.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yeah, Okay, FaceTime. I believe that in many cases before
someone goes out and gets dressed up and takes the
and does whatever, that a FaceTime is a good idea.
(14:02):
Do you agree?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
I disagree with that, Okay, I do.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
I had a feeling you were going to because your
process is probably not to face time.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Correct if it's a case where we feel like there's
a strong connection and you really should meet and he
won't do anything, you know, you can't be together for
like a month or whatever, and maybe, but I even
suggest a phone call is better. I think in FaceTime,
you know, we're all in these zooms and face times
all day, you know, for work, well most people are,
(14:32):
and you can't make eye contact, like I'm looking at you,
but you know I'm not looking at your eyes. Interesting,
and I think so much of chemistry and the connection
is looking into someone's eyes and even like the pheromones
the field.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
The chemistry that that toll that you get is.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Though okay, I don't know, I get a vibe off
you I have a sense of you. I had no
sense of you before I've heard of your business. I
know so someone who used you. I had no sense
of you, and now I have a total sense of you.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
I think that's very true, but I think the romantic
part of it actual.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
That romantic chemistry.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
But I agree with you that you can get a
sense because I've interviewed clients over zoom and I'm like
Guid like him. I think he's great. This is why
I think he's great. I've felt a good vibe right
every time I meet them in person. After either it
goes even more so I feel an even more of
a pull to why I think we should work with.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Him, or I'm sort of turned off.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Well, let's establish that if someone's on apps before getting
in a car, that they should do a FaceTime at
least on apps, because I think with you, you're curating
and you're meeting both people and you know, but if
someone's just navigating apps, first of all, to make sure
the person's a real person, but to just get a sense,
because I think people lie about their photos. You're vetting
and making sure. So I'm not talking about someone at
(15:56):
a high level paying fifty thousand. I'm talking about someone
sitting on bumble they should pass. I think they should
FaceTime just for self preservation, to make sure the person exists.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Yeah, I think that's fair. I would say when you
can and try to meet in person, because I do
feel like then both people are making the effort, they're
getting dressed, they're showing up, and you can just be
in a different environment and a different zone instead of
sitting in your office or wherever you may be.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
You know.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
But and I do think it's it's better to talk
on the phone or FaceTime versus texting. I think that's
a huge mistake that people make. They have this whole
narrative and conversation over text before.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
They even meet. And I'm like, why, you know, do
that after you've met.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
But, by the way, that's a nightmare. And I will
tell you that I have said to people and it's
turned them off, and it's literally been a reason why
they haven't ultimately wanted to go out with me because
it's been a little abrasive. But you kind of give
enough cues and then you're finally like, I'm not looking
for a pen pal. Yeah, which is too aggressive to say.
But if someone's staying. Some people could go weeks. I
wasn't looking for new people to text, right, And I
(17:01):
think it's such a turn off, and it's yeah, and
sometimes I'll I I'm one of those high end apps
in the past, I met someone over there, and sometimes
they want to keep it over there, and you like
want to put your phone number in the text over
there in that app and be like hi, just to
get over to here and then you can get to
a phone call. You know, people are strange like that.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
Yeah, it is weird, and I think that's those are
the type of people who are tweating it like a
game versus something that's serious.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So that's a red flag. There are some people that
immediately it's two texts, so like Hi, would you like
to set a call? And that's grown up. Yes, that's
a grown up. Okay, awesome, Well you are amazing and
exactly what you're doing and talking about. So and I
know you have a partner, So if she has like
a different point of view and different frame of reference,
(17:49):
maybe we'll have her on sometime because we like, you know,
because every person we talk to that's an expert in
this space. I get excited when someone says something different
that we haven't heard before. The sense of self is
what you said. So I I love that.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Good.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
Now, I listened to a bunch of your podcasts and
they were really great. All of them have been amazing,
And then I've really enjoyed.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
That Oh you did, oh great. Yeah, so it's cool,
you know what I mean, even for you. You're probably all
listening and it becomes a toolbox for everyone. I think
I call boats rise with the tide, and no one's
really there really are many people talking about dating. Don't
you think it's interesting like on podcasts?
Speaker 2 (18:21):
One hundred percent? I think it's.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
It's so like everyone wants to talk about it at
a dinner party.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
But on the podcast, You're right, it's they.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Talk about it in like a cheesy, junk food way,
like I slept with this guy last night, I had
a date, But not in a like sociological research to
help people do it better way. I've heard nothing like that.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
No, I agree. I think you're hitting the nail on
the head. I think it's really interesting.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Awesome. Well, thank you, I appreciate you, and I can't
wait to talk again.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Thanks Bethany.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
To do the faster to the after
Speaker 1 (19:10):
The the Conster
Sex. Are you very traditional or you're somewhat be secure
in your own life and body and also go with
the flow. You can't seem so calculated.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
I would say the latter.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Everybody said that that's fascinating. I think the rules are
so archaic and ridiculous, and I think a person who's
so repressed that if both people are really feeling something
and it's strong, and they're adults, for like, you're not
twenty two years old where you know? So I think
it's different at a certain age that everyone has agreed
with you, which I find shocking.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Yeah, no, I think for sure.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
I mean, like you said, you were all adults, and
if there's this poll that you feel, why not okay?
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Amazing? Like you have not experienced that someone's going to
solely not like someone because they had sex with them.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Yeah, I don't think that's I don't think that's right.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
I think if you know, we have enough information about
each party, I might say, you know, she's the kiss
on the cheek kind of girl on the first date.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
I would tell my client that, so he knows, but
she might not be that night. I mean, who knows.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
Right, we don't have any rules, and I don't think
it really matters. I think it just depends on what
you're doing, how the date's going, all those things.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
How often do you see someone drinking too much out
of nerves and blowing it?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
It's funny.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
I don't get that too often on the first date,
but I've definitely gotten it on the second date.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Sometimes it's happened.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Interesting because it was going so well, people started to
feel a little more comfortable on the second date, and
then it's like whoa.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Sometimes it happens like recently, I set up a date
and it was five o'clock and she told me that
he's sucked down in martini in about three minutes, and
it was five pm. And he told me he thought
she'd was so beautiful, so he was no risk, and
he felt like he needs the sort of you know,
the confidence juice a little bit, and he's like, I
ordered a glass of wine up after that and just
(02:08):
sipped it. But she was a little turned off about
how quickly they went down.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Well, I explained. I explained to.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Her that he was a little nervous because he was
taken by her beauty and she was flattered.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
But I don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
I mean, you just have to watch it, but I
don't hear it that often. Actually, I feel like so
many people don't. A lot of people don't even drink anymore.
We typically don't set up coffee dates, but you know,
there's so many mocktails and things like that you can
order that, so it hasn't been an issue.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Okay, So if you Joe hires you, and he's very
serious and he's good looking, and he's wealthy and he
wants to meet someone, what, first of all, what's your
success rate? How many people have gotten engaged and then
married either like engaged and then a separate number is married.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
So I don't have the exact numbers because there are
people who choose to let us know. Let's say they've
dated for a long time, and we sort of can
be as involved as little involved as they want. And
part of our whole philosophy and I think edge, is
that we are very private on both sides, so we
(03:16):
don't share pictures or last being so your privacy is
protected and that's important to us. So you know, there's
been people that we found out ten years later that
they're married and have kids, and we like, wow, we
never knew.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Oh really, yes, yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
But not too often. And I also think it depends
on what stage of life. There are people who have
been married once twice and they don't want to get
married again. So we don't measure success by marriages because
I think it's twenty twenty four and some people just
don't want to get married, you know, again or for
the first time. They just want to be together. But
(03:52):
we do have a very high success rate, and I
think it's partially because we only work with people that
we can help. So if you come in with unrealistic
expectations or the wrong intentions, we are not going to
work with you.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Okay, So Joe comes to you, he is ready, he
wants to commit, you believe him. How long does it
usually take for that person that's a good catch. They
take care of themselves, they're not a disaster. You wouldn't
allow someone who's a disaster into your group. So how
long is the average time it would take for you
to proactively find someone for that person? What I'm trying
(04:29):
to bridge for people who can't afford a matchmaker is like,
if they proactively decide to treat it like a job,
which I think that they should, if they have a
sense of self, if they're happy, if they feel confident,
if they're a whole person. If they're not, the pendulum
isn't swinging as a rebound. So Jane is ready. She
feels good, she's healthy, she's done the work, she's gone
to therapy, she's over the X what. She's a solid person,
(04:51):
she's healthy, she's fit, she's good. If she's treating this
as a job. Obviously she probably has a main job,
but she's treating this dating as a job. She might
be going on the app asking people, she's looking at LinkedIn.
She's on the case. I'm trying to bridge a gap
for you're on the case for someone, and how long
usually as experts, which Jane is not, how long is
(05:11):
it usually taking you to find that person the right person?
And then yeah, what the volume of dates, let's say
per month they're going on?
Speaker 3 (05:21):
I would say, you know, I would say, keep your
outlets to a minimum, don't overwhelm yourself, and go on
like you know, even though you're treating it like a job,
compartmentalize it a little bit because it will be very
overwhelming otherwise.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
And then and you can lose taste in your mind.
You can be disgusted by the whole process.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
And you might start sounding like a robot.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
You know, you just have the same narrative on every date,
and it's not even it doesn't even feel good.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
It doesn't even feel natural good.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
So I think, you know, maybe say for the next
three months, I'm going to do these two apps and
then use my other outlets friends, family, But it may
be I'm going to try to go.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
On one date a week.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Okay, I think one to two, depending on again the
stage of life. If you have kids and stuff like that,
you maybe one. If you're single and you have work
and stuff like that, maybe two.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
But I wouldn't overdo it because you will exhaust yourself.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
That's not unlike business either, though, people wouldn't do four
business meetings in a week either.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Right, So I think it's just really setting some boundaries
for yourself. But then I think it's also important to
take everything your criteria and what you're looking for and
expanding it a little bit more because you will get
more opportunities even if it's not in your parameters. I
(06:47):
think it's important to get out of your comfort zone
a little bit because we're all creatures of habit and
we tend to gravitate towards the same things, and we
miss so much of the peripheral because of that.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
That's a great note. Yeah, that's a great note.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
And the thing is, yeah, it's like we love the
same restaurant, but the restaurant next door, and they keep
going to that same restaurant because it's good, it's consistent.
We know the leaders, and we're always happy when we leave,
but the restaurant next door is just as good, but
we don't try it because we just like what we're
used to do.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah, you always pick up the same color lipstick and
you don't try new things. And that's true too. And
I've always been with the same sort of type of
like concert like business guy that all. My friend Louis
said to me, you've been with the same guy over
and over like and he said rock stars need rock stars,
which I didn't know exactly what he meant, and he
doesn't mean a literal rock star, but like to think
about athletes or actors or artists or something different. For me,
(07:41):
that's that's you know, that's a yeah, leaving the comfort zone.
Speaker 3 (07:44):
No, I think give yourself, you know, a timeline and
don't overwhelm yourself also, you know, maybe you know it's
if it's two dates a week, maybe that one date
is someone that you wouldn't have necessarily chosen on your.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Own or picked because it's out of your comfort zone.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
But just to try new things and at least try it,
because you just never know what you're missing unless you
try that new thing.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Okay, So for you, if you have that guy Joe,
is it taking you six months usually to find them
someone that they really like?
Speaker 3 (08:29):
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:29):
How long is it taking you when you're being proactive
about it?
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I mean, we try to do it the sooner the better,
because that's the goal. Right We're not trying to send
them out on twenty dates. We're trying to send them.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Out on three.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
And I think in the beginning, I would say in
the beginning, we have to sort of know who they
are and get an idea of what they're liking and
what they're disliking. Because we've talked about past relationships, we've
talked about their goals and all those things. But Einstein's
definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and
over again and expecting a different result. So our job
(09:03):
is to sort of be the expert and say you
know this is going to look good on you too,
not just what you've chosen in the past, but you
should try this as well. So I would say again,
the younger client needs a little bit more time, and
I find because they're not they have more going for
(09:23):
them and they're a little bit more unsure of what's.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Going to be in twenty directions. I don't have kids yet,
they could do whatever they want. Yeah, and that well,
I think what I'm saying is to me, I think
it takes a while, and I think people have to
be very patient to the point of earlier. So I
guess it shouldn't take forever, but I don't think it
should be, you know, six weeks. I think it takes
(09:47):
months to to to if you're That's what I was
trying to like get at based on that rushing.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
And I think you know the way we've designed and
you can set these internal timelines for yourself. You know,
let's say you go out on your five first states
and you happen to like one of those people a lot.
You know, give yourself an internal timeline. Don't tell the person,
or you can tell your friends and say, you know what,
I'm going to give this relationship three months or six weeks,
(10:15):
we're going to go out, We're going to maybe take
a trip, a weekend trip together.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
Six weeks or I would say three months is more realistic.
And if I'm not feeling the poll and I really
don't feel different than I do today, then I'm going
to shelve it, you know, like I'm going to.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Do move on.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
I think most people that I hear from on my
social media and in my comments, most won't even get
to the second date. That's what I think they're frustrated
with that they would be thrilled to have a situation
where they'd want to go away on a vacation. I'm
finding that most people, myself included, wouldn't even want to
go on a second date, much less, in many cases,
a first date.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Yeah, well, mabe have I always tell people if they're
doing the updating, maybe you'd if it's if we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Updating, I guess even even people introducing.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
I guess, yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
I think second dates are super important because you just
never know.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
What Okay, I noted. The other thing is I think,
how different do you think what a fifty five year
old or a fifty eight year old or a forty
eight year old, a man who's divorced. He's how different
is what he's looking for second time around than first chapter? Drastic?
Very different. They were young, they made very different decisions,
(11:28):
and what is that man looking for.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I think it depends if the first marriage was successful
and you know, maybe she loved him, or they had
a very you know, really deep connection and it was successful,
but they just sort of grew apart and it became
you know, just cohabitating and it was more platonic, or
if it was tumultuous and volatile and all those things.
(11:53):
I find most men want something different than their first
time around. They want something like a different look, a
different mindset. I have a lot of men that married
young and at that time, you know, when you're young,
you sort of want someone at the same level. Maybe
(12:15):
you went to like business school together, and you have
the same pedigree, and everything was just sort of the
way the same way.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
The corporate latter works.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
It is just everything that your family wanted and that yes,
we're supposed to do. And then you reached a point
in your life and you're like, okay, I just married
basically like my sister or the same person but female,
and I'm not learning from that person anymore.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
That's what I This is what I was getting at that.
That was sort of getting at that because I've seen
that a bit where someone's doing when you're younger, you're
more impressionable. You're doing what your family thinks. Maybe it's
a religious thing. You're doing what you should be marrying
the person that has the same religion as you, or
grew up in the same neighborhood, or the parents are friends.
And people later are realizing it's their own journey, like
(12:58):
this is this is my time on the planet, and
I need to get what I want. Yeah, not my kids,
cause my kids are older. I have to do this
for me kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
So I do think in that second chapter, you know,
a lot of my clients it was just good. I
think a lot of people do work on themselves before
they start that second chapter, because if you've been through divorce,
you typically do that run yourself and your family and
all those things, and you know, finding someone that compliments
you is the better way to go because that relationship
will lasts longer and you will sort of learn from
(13:31):
each other. You know, you don't want to be with
someone who's exactly like you.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
They have that sibling thing. I've heard that before, where
relationships people become siblings and like roommates.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Almost.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yeah, Okay, FaceTime. I believe that in many cases before
someone goes out and gets dressed up and takes the
and does whatever, that a FaceTime is a good idea.
(14:02):
Do you agree?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
I disagree with that, Okay, I do.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
I had a feeling you were going to because your
process is probably not to face time.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Correct if it's a case where we feel like there's
a strong connection and you really should meet and he
won't do anything, you know, you can't be together for
like a month or whatever, and maybe, but I even
suggest a phone call is better. I think in FaceTime,
you know, we're all in these zooms and face times
all day, you know, for work, well most people are,
(14:32):
and you can't make eye contact, like I'm looking at you,
but you know I'm not looking at your eyes. Interesting,
and I think so much of chemistry and the connection
is looking into someone's eyes and even like the pheromones
the field.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
The chemistry that that toll that you get is.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Though okay, I don't know, I get a vibe off
you I have a sense of you. I had no
sense of you before I've heard of your business. I
know so someone who used you. I had no sense
of you, and now I have a total sense of you.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
I think that's very true, but I think the romantic
part of it actual.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
That romantic chemistry.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
But I agree with you that you can get a
sense because I've interviewed clients over zoom and I'm like
Guid like him. I think he's great. This is why
I think he's great. I've felt a good vibe right
every time I meet them in person. After either it
goes even more so I feel an even more of
a pull to why I think we should work with.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Him, or I'm sort of turned off.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Well, let's establish that if someone's on apps before getting
in a car, that they should do a FaceTime at
least on apps, because I think with you, you're curating
and you're meeting both people and you know, but if
someone's just navigating apps, first of all, to make sure
the person's a real person, but to just get a sense,
because I think people lie about their photos. You're vetting
and making sure. So I'm not talking about someone at
(15:56):
a high level paying fifty thousand. I'm talking about someone
sitting on bumble they should pass. I think they should
FaceTime just for self preservation, to make sure the person exists.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Yeah, I think that's fair. I would say when you
can and try to meet in person, because I do
feel like then both people are making the effort, they're
getting dressed, they're showing up, and you can just be
in a different environment and a different zone instead of
sitting in your office or wherever you may be.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
You know.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
But and I do think it's it's better to talk
on the phone or FaceTime versus texting. I think that's
a huge mistake that people make. They have this whole
narrative and conversation over text before.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
They even meet. And I'm like, why, you know, do
that after you've met.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
But, by the way, that's a nightmare. And I will
tell you that I have said to people and it's
turned them off, and it's literally been a reason why
they haven't ultimately wanted to go out with me because
it's been a little abrasive. But you kind of give
enough cues and then you're finally like, I'm not looking
for a pen pal. Yeah, which is too aggressive to say.
But if someone's staying. Some people could go weeks. I
wasn't looking for new people to text, right, And I
(17:01):
think it's such a turn off, and it's yeah, and
sometimes I'll I I'm one of those high end apps
in the past, I met someone over there, and sometimes
they want to keep it over there, and you like
want to put your phone number in the text over
there in that app and be like hi, just to
get over to here and then you can get to
a phone call. You know, people are strange like that.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
Yeah, it is weird, and I think that's those are
the type of people who are tweating it like a
game versus something that's serious.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So that's a red flag. There are some people that
immediately it's two texts, so like Hi, would you like
to set a call? And that's grown up. Yes, that's
a grown up. Okay, awesome, Well you are amazing and
exactly what you're doing and talking about. So and I
know you have a partner, So if she has like
a different point of view and different frame of reference,
(17:49):
maybe we'll have her on sometime because we like, you know,
because every person we talk to that's an expert in
this space. I get excited when someone says something different
that we haven't heard before. The sense of self is
what you said. So I I love that.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Good.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
Now, I listened to a bunch of your podcasts and
they were really great. All of them have been amazing,
And then I've really enjoyed.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
That Oh you did, oh great. Yeah, so it's cool,
you know what I mean, even for you. You're probably all
listening and it becomes a toolbox for everyone. I think
I call boats rise with the tide, and no one's
really there really are many people talking about dating. Don't
you think it's interesting like on podcasts?
Speaker 2 (18:21):
One hundred percent? I think it's.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
It's so like everyone wants to talk about it at
a dinner party.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
But on the podcast, You're right, it's they.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Talk about it in like a cheesy, junk food way,
like I slept with this guy last night, I had
a date, But not in a like sociological research to
help people do it better way. I've heard nothing like that.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
No, I agree. I think you're hitting the nail on
the head. I think it's really interesting.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Awesome. Well, thank you, I appreciate you, and I can't
wait to talk again.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Thanks Bethany.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
To do the faster to the after
Speaker 1 (19:10):
The the Conster
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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