June 24, 2025 • 24 mins
You asked, B answered. Advice on everything from dating as a parent, guys who don't ask questions, and more!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
All right, let's do some dating questions. My guy checks
all the important boxes, but he doesn't ask me deep questions.
That's because he's a guy. That's because he's a guy.
Now the question is, is he's selfish? There. I believe
(00:33):
in astrology a little bit, and there are some signs
that point to selfish and I've checked it out, and
it doesn't mean that. Obviously, signs are the only indication
of selfishness. But selfishness is someone who's not asking you
about yourself at all. Like I was talking to Tinks
about this, and you could sit on a date and
(00:55):
go a significant period of time without someone asking about you.
And I've I had that with my daughter too. I
dated someone that's really specific in my mind right now,
and he never asked her about her. He really was
interested in me, but didn't engage her. Now, it doesn't
mean he's totally I mean, and I'm putting labels on
someone you don't know the reason why. This guy, because
(01:18):
he has some personal issues, is not intentionally selfish. It's
just the nature of him being focused on himself. So
the thing is, with any man or relationship, you have
to weigh out what's important to you As you get older,
(01:38):
different things become important to you and also are they
additive and do they enricher life becomes important And the
reason that I tell young women to work and at
financial independence is because you then have the financial freedom
to exit something if it isn't serving you for reasons
other than financial reasons. And in some pay in cases,
(02:00):
someone falls in love with someone else doesn't really think
about who they are big picture, long term chess game,
and then they feel trapped and they have to stay
because they who make the goal make the rules. So
I would say if it's on the first date, someone
checks important boxes and doesn't ask the deep questions, they
could be nervous if it's well into your life. I
(02:21):
know someone in particularly what I'm thinking of, who was
in a marriage for years, and I guessed when they
broke up. Even though they had a lifestyle you can
make a life out of you can make a lifestyle
out of a life. You can't make a life out
of a lifestyle. And they had a lifestyle. They traveled,
they did interesting things, but ultimately they didn't connect. They
(02:43):
never really connect on a deeper level as human beings.
If we're an evolved creatures, we want to connect on
a deeper level, and we're starving for it. I know
men that still want to be with me, who can
be with young hot women and are with young hot
women who crave me because yes, I'm a sexual creature
and I'm good in bed, and I'm good in bed
because I'm a connected person. I'm a person who knows
(03:06):
what feels good for someone else from a massage standpoint,
from an emotional standpoint, from a nurturing standpoint, from an
intellectual standpoint, from a humor standpoint. And these guys, some
of them get with the hot young girl, and for
every hot young girl, there's a guy sick at tired
of fucking them. That's the expression. So the reason I
(03:28):
say that is that you want to be an interesting person,
and you want to be with someone interesting because you
will become intellectually, emotionally, mentally bored. And boredom is what
happens at my age with people who feel like they
lack purpose. So I know many and I get bored.
And I have the biggest, greatest career you could ever
(03:49):
possibly dream ever imagine. I could do anything I want
every day and can make ideas happen all day long.
But I still sometimes get bored because people my age
get bored because they lack purpose. They're not as relevant,
they're not as young, they don't have the action, They're
not as necessary in certain spaces, and not as relevant.
And you want to be with a partner that's going
(04:09):
to stimulate you. How to meet other white collar gay
men in New York City? This is going to sound snobby.
I don't know if everyone is on apps, but I
think most people are. But you've already thought of that.
You know that that's not a great answer. I would
say invest in the right private clubs. If you want
(04:31):
to meet a white collar wealthy man, that's an investment,
and you need to join the right bougie clubs that
will have the right gay men. So, depending upon the age,
is that the Soho House? Is that sam Vecenti Bungalows?
Is that Max seems because you're going to meet a
stubs and wooden loafer person. Are you trying to figure
(04:55):
out how to get on the gay version of Raya?
If that exists? I think it does exis. I'm sure
it does. What is the best dating app? Over fifty
It depends on what you want. Most women want a successful,
wealthy man. And I would say for that people are
liking Hinge and the league is good, but you really
(05:16):
have to fish the deep deep ocean to find like
maybe very few good fish, but they're there. The fish
are there. Bumble is great too, for you know the
people are there. It's really just like a it's a
numbers game. You have to do the work. And you
can't just go on too many dates because it's like
going to a buffet and you'll get full and nauseated
and not like the things you chose on the buffet.
(05:38):
So you have to be very selective. You have to
get your plate out and wait and walk around and
sit if you want your egg white onme it made
with all the gourmet vegetables, and decide what sushi you
want in that buffet, because you came to that buffet
and there's gonna be a lot thrown at you, and
you better get what you really want and make your
wise choices. Otherwise you're gonna be nauseated and you won't
want to go back to the buffet. Big problem. You
(05:58):
get full and as soon as too soon to move
in with someone you're dating. I mean, I wouldn't put
a timeline on it. I would say not when you're
in the obsession phase, not when you're in the enamored phase,
when you're in the realistic phase, when you're in the mundane.
I'm a little bored of you. Sometimes some things you
do turn me off. Like we are really in the
(06:19):
thick of it, Like we've met each other's family's parents,
We've done the boring, we've traveled together, we've done holidays,
like do not move in together? Until you've seen multiple
seasons and multiple reasons, multiple occasions, multiple conflicts, someone vomiting
in a toilet bowl, someone snotting, like someone wearing ugly shoes,
(06:40):
things that since what not Until you've seen all the
things that would turn you off someone. That's when someone's
chewing starts to irritate. You know they have bad breath
and you don't want to vomit. You've gotten some version
of the ick and you still are there. How to
(07:08):
handle the success hate from those close to you and
in the same field of business. If that's a dating
question and someone close to you is a little bit
jealous or intimidated, get the fuck out. It's not changing.
Get the actual fuck out. And if it's a marriage.
I don't know what to do. You gotta help your partner.
You're gonna have to dumb it down. You're gonna have
to make your partner feel like they're the big, big,
strong ox Like. It's a fucking nightmare. I wouldn't even
(07:30):
deal with that. But if you have kids and you're
already married, and you you know you've become the moneyed
spouse or the successful spouse, watch that because they will
try to exert their power in other ways and it's
not good. That's how infidelity happens. That's how bro trips happen.
Like it's just a disaster. That's why I have a
(07:50):
text on my phone right now. If I'm a man
who would be playing tennis with someone as good or
better than I am, And that's what I'm looking for.
Biggest red flag that isn't obvious, Like violence is obviously
a red flag? Good question, Okay, biggest red flag that
isn't obvious. Ah, when someone dims your light, you don't
notice it right away, but you start to find out.
(08:12):
And it takes a while to get to this place
because this is not in the honeymoon phase. You start
to get to a place where you're overcompensating for what
you are doing, what you have, how you look, and
you're trying to make the other person feel like the
plans that you have without them aren't that big of
a deal. The career you have isn't that big of
a deal. The things you're doing aren't that exciting. You're
trying to like dumb it down, dim your own light. Disaster, bad,
(08:36):
bad bad. Someone has to lift you up, build you up.
You have to feel like your light is brighter. Someone
who's trying to make you in any way someone that
you're not and it's not over it either. It doesn't
have to be like someone criticizing you, but it's someone
letting you know that like well that's a little much
or it's not or it's too much or huh, that's
an interesting choice, or like sort of like either secretly passively,
(08:56):
aggressively jealous or competitive or trying to tell you what
not to weigh. That shit is a nightmare. That's a nightmare, Okay, bad,
bad bad flag red flag. Someone's not quite respectful of
their mother, doesn't really respect women, makes snide comments, makes
like some version of you know, inappropriate comments, has any
(09:21):
sleeze factor even like a small sleeze comment about something
else someone else like that. It's just a red flag
someone that, like I said, is not that respectful of
women in general. You might hear it about a friend's wife.
It may not be about you because you think it's different.
Anything like that, any like raising of the voice, anything that,
the way they speak to some the way they speak
(09:43):
to any staff, any weight staff, any concierge, or anything
not not not that's a critical critical indicator. How do
you encourage a man who might be a little insecure
in a way but not feed his ego. All men
are in all creatures are insecure, So you just be
confident and positively reinforced when someone does something good. Don't
(10:06):
give them a cookie because they'll feel emasculated and like
you really are marginalizing it. But really make a big
deal out of the that tastes so good, you're such
a good griller, Oh my god, wow, Or like you
look sexy, you're handsome, you're so strong like that type
is a positively reinforced But don't act like maybe you
really are so blah blah blah, like not that passag
(10:28):
give them a cookie. Shit, marry the one that loves
you more than you love them. I don't know. Try
to make it equal, then you're gonna get turned off.
And I don't know. It's a hard one. I guess.
If you have to choose between the two, yes, but
I mean I don't like that choice. Let's have an
equal partnership. I feel like men aren't men these days.
(10:48):
Can you turn a boy into a man. You could
turn a boy into a man. You could turn a
player into a nod player. But you better listen to
this podcast and listen to all the advice on how
to do it, because it ain't that easy. But you
d your ground. You do not bluff. You do not
settle for less than you deserve. You're not you don't grab.
You're not a beggar. You're not taking scraps. You're not
(11:09):
allowing bread crumbing. You're not allowing a certain communication style
that doesn't work for you. You chase the dog, the dog
runs away, the dog chases you. You run away. So yes,
you could turn a boy to a man, because most
men are infants, and the ones over fifty or even worse,
they're barely walking up right. They're like cave humans. It's
ridiculous because they've just lost every sentilla of ability to
(11:32):
connect because they've been in marriages that are soulless and
focused on their careers and their pecks, and they just
do not know how to communicate. So they're children. They're
fucking babies. The middle aged men want middle aged women anymore.
It's ridiculous out here. Yes they do, Yes, they do, Yes,
they do. They don't want coming fresh off a divorce
or when they've just made a lot of money. You're
(11:55):
usually the rebound off of the rebound. Someone gets divorced,
they go to the young, hot piece, the dumb dumb,
the knitwidth that listens to them, the opposite of their
ex wife. Then they're miserable, they're bored. It doesn't make
any sense. It doesn't fit in with their friends. They
don't want to bring them on vacations. It's awkward to
be with someone twenty years younger. We don't listen to
the same music. You feel older in comparison. You're looking
(12:16):
at you saggy skin. They're looking at their gray hair.
They want to get botox. They want the hot young piece,
but they are aware of the fact that the hot
young piece is with them because they have some money
and a retirement plan so they get more insecure, they
distrust that young person more, and they ultimately will want
someone that is going to mentally and emotionally stimulate them.
(12:38):
But do they want a fucking busted up, washed up, miserable, negative,
always complaining, nagging, middle aged wife. They had that already,
apps a fucking litely Not. Do they want someone who's
young and hot and takes care of themselves and smells
pretty and is intelligent and has something to bring to
the table and has fucking paid for their own tit
job and their own dental work. Yes, that's what they
(13:00):
do want. They want someone they can talk to who's
an equal and who's attractive, and who's pretty, and who
they're who's in good shape where they're gonna want to
have sex with, or who's just incredible in bed, or
who can do the Jedi mind fuck, or who can
give them a run for their money, because they're not
a little doormat, just beggars looking for chanel bag. Which
is why women need to have their own money. Because
(13:21):
I know so many blood in the water desperadoes that
are actually attractive in their fifties, but they're rolling up
with three to four kids and debt. That is not
the middle aged woman that a man wants. But many
of them find men too, So try to set yourself
up for success. Don't go spend your money on Luck's goods.
Join Vivrel, one of the bag rental companies or one
(13:42):
of the clothing rental companies so you don't have to
spend your money on stupid things and then have all
of this baggage and dead weight and bills and be
a lot of work that a man doesn't want. A
man doesn't want you to come in with your whole
Luck's Goods program with three kids that he has to
take care of and sent to camp and try again. Okay,
what do we got next? Okay? Divorce four years? Can't imagine?
(14:05):
Online dating? Is that the only way? It is not
the only way, but it is the most efficient way.
Is online shopping for close the only way? No? But
is it the most efficient way? Yes? Can you bring
it and return it? Yes? You know. Does it have
a return policy? Yes? Do you get to pick what
you want online and sit there and keep it in
the cart and then decide if you want to buy it? Yes?
(14:27):
So do you get to pick the color, the size,
the shipping date. Yeah, online dating is an efficient model
that I talked about before that you want to do wisely, thoughtfully,
with integrity, quality, not quantity. You do not want to
be the nit lit that just is going out for
a free drink or meal. Then you got to talk
(14:49):
to some pig for four hours. That is not You'd
rather starve, drink, consume, do a juice fast. You don't
need to go out to date some schmuck and then
be sick of it and then think and then suck
and then not want to go again. You wait. You
sit there with the bait and the hook, and you
sit on that dock and you wait till something good
comes on the line. Then you bring it in and
(15:09):
cook it. You wait for a good, good, big gorgeous fish.
Am I the problem or to men need to provide safety?
I get triggered and the trigger them. Everybody needs to
provide safety. Everybody's insecure. Everybody needs to make the other
partner feel needed and wanted. Because even the most giving
of men that just worship their partner and do everything
(15:31):
for them, that is an imbalance. I'm thinking about someone
specific on social media. Something is fucked up. I know,
it is. It's too much doting and buying and lavishing.
It doesn't track, and there's something not balanced because everybody
has needs. Everybody has needs. Men are not cave humans
with a club ooh and a loincloth. Everyone has needs.
(15:53):
And it just is about when the timeline is one
partner could give, give, give, give, give, and then one
day there are no more branches. It's the giving tree
and the person who's been giving NonStop and the dynamic
has been taking non stop. It could be financial. I
know a woman who was with a very rich man
kept taking, taking, taking, taking. I used to be like,
he's noticing, nobody's gonna know. He's noticing nobody's gonna know.
(16:14):
I'm like, he's noticing. They all notice you took, took, took,
And one day the bottom fell out and that was
the end of it. She lost a rich man. She
played checkers, not chess. Good rich man, good, nice rich man,
good smart rich man. Dumb dumb advice for dating when
(16:43):
you both have kids. Hmm, folded in slowly you fold
it in. This is like the cheese on shit, squeak.
How do we fold in the cheese? How slowly? You do?
Not rush it you're in love, you're excited. We want
to build the family on a blend. Been there, done that.
It all sounds so good on paper. This is gonna
(17:03):
be amazing. We both have kids. Yay. It's a nightmare.
Kids hate it. It's going to be disaster. It's like
taking a steak out of a freezer and deciding to
eat it. Don't be an idiot, control yourself. Wait, but
let your kids know you're dating. Do not walk on
eggshells with your kids and put them in a precious box.
I know people who've been divorced for five years and
(17:24):
they don't bring anyone around their kids. That's sick. They're sick.
That's their problem. That's letting your kids and the inmates
run the asylum. No fucking way. My daughter knows I date.
She knows I want to meet someone. She knows when
I'm going on a date. She knows how the date went.
She meets people, not many, very very few. But if
I've really liked them, she's met. If I've liked them
(17:44):
slash could love them, she's met them fairly or early.
Because I don't make a big deal about it. Like
let's say I was walking in the Hamptons and I
had gone on a date with a guy and he
happened to be walking in the Hantons. Yeah, it was
my daughter Brin. Who cares. She's fifteen years old, she's
not two years old. I'm not having someone sleep in
my bed in my house when she's there. I'm not
bringing them on vacation. But like, fold it in thoughtfully,
(18:06):
but do not wait too long. If you have a
batter and it's been sitting and then you try to
fold everything, it's not gonna work out. It's already the
baking powder and so it has been activated. And you
give your kids too much power. I don't believe in
that shit at all. Be always open and transparent with
your kids. Not about sex, not about things, not about love,
not about emotions, not if someone has an eating disorder
(18:27):
or emotional issues or their anxiety disorder. Like no, but
just like your mom wants to be happy, I want
to meet someone. I don't know if it'll happen. And
this is what's happening. And then I met a guy
named Dan. He seems okay. I'm not sure. Include them
not the day you break up with their father, not
two months after, but like at some point we're gonna
have to rip the band aid off. It's like, you
don't want to have the sex talk with your kids,
(18:48):
but do you want, you know, to have a baby
when your daughter is sixteen running around your house? You
want a high school child having a baby. No, you
have a sex talk. You're an adult. Don't be stupid.
Oh where do I go to look for men? If
I'm a homebody. If you're a homebody, you are an
online dating app dreamed. You have the time, you have
the focus. You will not go out unless it's something
(19:11):
really meaningful to go out for. I am an expert
on this because I too am insular. I'm a homebody.
If I go out, I'll have a drink in my bed.
I had a marguerite. I was so stressed yesterday. I
had a margarite and bag of chips in my bed.
The happiest place on Earth, Disney is not the happiest
place on Earth. My bed is, and not when I'm
(19:31):
having sex when I'm alone in it. Would you ever
date a next after several years broken up or never again?
Never say never, I definitely would. Usually the problems creep
right back up. Jaylo and Ben Affleck they were in love,
they loved each other. It was magic. I wanted it
to work. You can't go home again, baby, I answered
this before be with someone who dislikes their mom and
(19:52):
isn't close to her. It depends on what her mom's like.
Not all moms are created equal. It depends if it's
very distressing. If this person is very distres respectful, then
I probably know. But that's not a one size fits all.
Thoughts on boyfriend moving into his parents' home for caretaking purposes.
It's a very hard one. I understand it. It's admirable.
It means it's a beautiful human being. It means you're
(20:14):
gonna have to find ways to control this. It means
you're gonna feel like you're a bad person because it's annoying.
It means like you it's something it's across to bear.
It means when you meet someone, you have to know
who their family is, because you are ultimately marrying their family.
If they're close to their family. You're marrying any children
who may have special needs or parents. You're marrying their siblings,
(20:37):
You're marrying their job, their coworkers, You're marrying a lot
of different things. Is it possible to be too pretty
to find a man. No, because there's a seat forever. Yes,
but it's possible that it's hard for a pretty person
to find a man. But it's because you're not focusing
on your personality. You're focusing on your looks. The fact
that you even asked that means you're focusing on your looks.
(20:58):
You should be focusing on your personality. And you engage,
and if you know you're so pretty, you'll have to
find clever, non desperate ways to engage, to make the
first move without it seeming like you're making the first
move but then getting an inkling of your flirtation. You'll
have to find a way. So anything's possible. But I
don't think that's your problem. How soon do you expect
(21:18):
a text after a first date that the text went
very well that night, some check in had a great
time tonight, if not the next day. If the guy
doesn't text you the next day's not into you and
or he's an insecure loser, I'm neither or great. You
could still go out with them again, because you could
also win. You can always get the ball back. I
don't like it, though, I don't like it. Nobody I
got time, I want to be nowhere, I stand at
all times. Two pieces of advice. One get a personality test.
(21:42):
Take a personality test. This will tell you who you
are in the world, how you deal with things, what
type of employer you are, what type of person worker, etc.
How you deal with life. Take an attachment theory test.
It will tell you who you are in a relationship,
how you attach. Are you anxious attack? Do you have
a panic attack if someone's not constantly in contact? Are
(22:03):
you avoidant attachment where you kind of like if it
gets close you get scared. Are you a hybrid? Are
you healthy attachment? This is all real. This is all
based on how we attached with our parents as a child,
and it can be dysfunctional. Even if your parents have
been together for seventy years, it doesn't mean everything has
to be like a perfect relationship. You could have parents
that never expressed feelings. They just don't believe in that.
(22:26):
They're just sort of cold but loving and good, solid
parents that have morals and integrity, But they grew up
in a household where people don't express feelings. That could
lead to an attachment disorder. You don't know how to
properly communicate and connect. Someone tells you they love you,
That's when things get scary. Things get too close to committed.
That's when things get scary. You run away. Just know
(22:48):
where you stand and know where someone else stands, so
you know what you're dealing with. You don't have a
puzzle that is four pieces missing. It's a very I
wish I knew any of this as a thirty year old.
I've learned this all in my fifties a fucking waste,
but it's not because the truth is I wouldn't have
wanted to be with someone of my thirties. Honestly, I
would never. This is like I'm getting at the age
an hour like this is like we're this is the
(23:09):
person you're gonna spend your whole life with. So it's
never too late, especially if you're a supermodel, not going
on dating apps. How you put yourself out there when
doing hobbies et cetera. Gym classes, clubs, private clubs, learn
a language, work events, work mixer events like work events,
(23:30):
work trips, work events, holiday parties, cocktail parties, and talk
to people. Go out of your way. Don't get a
bad reputation, don't sleep around, don't be the one who
gets too drunk is overserved. Always pay attention to how
you look. When you're gonna be interacting with other men,
you have to be some version of social to meet
someone single, working, parent, three year old, trying to figure
(23:53):
out how to re enter dating but I am tired
do online dating. Set them up as lunches, early drinks, coffee,
find activities. You will find like minded people. Many men
that I know are slugs. They're boring, they're exhausted, they
want to go to bed at eight. There are a
lot of exhausted, boring people. Find yourself another one, or
someone who's not boring but likes to go to bed early,
(24:13):
that doesn't drink, whatever it is. Someone who doesn't drink
or do drugs is probably going to be less activating
as someone who does.
All right, let's do some dating questions. My guy checks
all the important boxes, but he doesn't ask me deep questions.
That's because he's a guy. That's because he's a guy.
Now the question is, is he's selfish? There. I believe
(00:33):
in astrology a little bit, and there are some signs
that point to selfish and I've checked it out, and
it doesn't mean that. Obviously, signs are the only indication
of selfishness. But selfishness is someone who's not asking you
about yourself at all. Like I was talking to Tinks
about this, and you could sit on a date and
(00:55):
go a significant period of time without someone asking about you.
And I've I had that with my daughter too. I
dated someone that's really specific in my mind right now,
and he never asked her about her. He really was
interested in me, but didn't engage her. Now, it doesn't
mean he's totally I mean, and I'm putting labels on
someone you don't know the reason why. This guy, because
(01:18):
he has some personal issues, is not intentionally selfish. It's
just the nature of him being focused on himself. So
the thing is, with any man or relationship, you have
to weigh out what's important to you As you get older,
(01:38):
different things become important to you and also are they
additive and do they enricher life becomes important And the
reason that I tell young women to work and at
financial independence is because you then have the financial freedom
to exit something if it isn't serving you for reasons
other than financial reasons. And in some pay in cases,
(02:00):
someone falls in love with someone else doesn't really think
about who they are big picture, long term chess game,
and then they feel trapped and they have to stay
because they who make the goal make the rules. So
I would say if it's on the first date, someone
checks important boxes and doesn't ask the deep questions, they
could be nervous if it's well into your life. I
(02:21):
know someone in particularly what I'm thinking of, who was
in a marriage for years, and I guessed when they
broke up. Even though they had a lifestyle you can
make a life out of you can make a lifestyle
out of a life. You can't make a life out
of a lifestyle. And they had a lifestyle. They traveled,
they did interesting things, but ultimately they didn't connect. They
(02:43):
never really connect on a deeper level as human beings.
If we're an evolved creatures, we want to connect on
a deeper level, and we're starving for it. I know
men that still want to be with me, who can
be with young hot women and are with young hot
women who crave me because yes, I'm a sexual creature
and I'm good in bed, and I'm good in bed
because I'm a connected person. I'm a person who knows
(03:06):
what feels good for someone else from a massage standpoint,
from an emotional standpoint, from a nurturing standpoint, from an
intellectual standpoint, from a humor standpoint. And these guys, some
of them get with the hot young girl, and for
every hot young girl, there's a guy sick at tired
of fucking them. That's the expression. So the reason I
(03:28):
say that is that you want to be an interesting person,
and you want to be with someone interesting because you
will become intellectually, emotionally, mentally bored. And boredom is what
happens at my age with people who feel like they
lack purpose. So I know many and I get bored.
And I have the biggest, greatest career you could ever
(03:49):
possibly dream ever imagine. I could do anything I want
every day and can make ideas happen all day long.
But I still sometimes get bored because people my age
get bored because they lack purpose. They're not as relevant,
they're not as young, they don't have the action, They're
not as necessary in certain spaces, and not as relevant.
And you want to be with a partner that's going
(04:09):
to stimulate you. How to meet other white collar gay
men in New York City? This is going to sound snobby.
I don't know if everyone is on apps, but I
think most people are. But you've already thought of that.
You know that that's not a great answer. I would
say invest in the right private clubs. If you want
(04:31):
to meet a white collar wealthy man, that's an investment,
and you need to join the right bougie clubs that
will have the right gay men. So, depending upon the age,
is that the Soho House? Is that sam Vecenti Bungalows?
Is that Max seems because you're going to meet a
stubs and wooden loafer person. Are you trying to figure
(04:55):
out how to get on the gay version of Raya?
If that exists? I think it does exis. I'm sure
it does. What is the best dating app? Over fifty
It depends on what you want. Most women want a successful,
wealthy man. And I would say for that people are
liking Hinge and the league is good, but you really
(05:16):
have to fish the deep deep ocean to find like
maybe very few good fish, but they're there. The fish
are there. Bumble is great too, for you know the
people are there. It's really just like a it's a
numbers game. You have to do the work. And you
can't just go on too many dates because it's like
going to a buffet and you'll get full and nauseated
and not like the things you chose on the buffet.
(05:38):
So you have to be very selective. You have to
get your plate out and wait and walk around and
sit if you want your egg white onme it made
with all the gourmet vegetables, and decide what sushi you
want in that buffet, because you came to that buffet
and there's gonna be a lot thrown at you, and
you better get what you really want and make your
wise choices. Otherwise you're gonna be nauseated and you won't
want to go back to the buffet. Big problem. You
(05:58):
get full and as soon as too soon to move
in with someone you're dating. I mean, I wouldn't put
a timeline on it. I would say not when you're
in the obsession phase, not when you're in the enamored phase,
when you're in the realistic phase, when you're in the mundane.
I'm a little bored of you. Sometimes some things you
do turn me off. Like we are really in the
(06:19):
thick of it, Like we've met each other's family's parents,
We've done the boring, we've traveled together, we've done holidays,
like do not move in together? Until you've seen multiple
seasons and multiple reasons, multiple occasions, multiple conflicts, someone vomiting
in a toilet bowl, someone snotting, like someone wearing ugly shoes,
(06:40):
things that since what not Until you've seen all the
things that would turn you off someone. That's when someone's
chewing starts to irritate. You know they have bad breath
and you don't want to vomit. You've gotten some version
of the ick and you still are there. How to
(07:08):
handle the success hate from those close to you and
in the same field of business. If that's a dating
question and someone close to you is a little bit
jealous or intimidated, get the fuck out. It's not changing.
Get the actual fuck out. And if it's a marriage.
I don't know what to do. You gotta help your partner.
You're gonna have to dumb it down. You're gonna have
to make your partner feel like they're the big, big,
strong ox Like. It's a fucking nightmare. I wouldn't even
(07:30):
deal with that. But if you have kids and you're
already married, and you you know you've become the moneyed
spouse or the successful spouse, watch that because they will
try to exert their power in other ways and it's
not good. That's how infidelity happens. That's how bro trips happen.
Like it's just a disaster. That's why I have a
(07:50):
text on my phone right now. If I'm a man
who would be playing tennis with someone as good or
better than I am, And that's what I'm looking for.
Biggest red flag that isn't obvious, Like violence is obviously
a red flag? Good question, Okay, biggest red flag that
isn't obvious. Ah, when someone dims your light, you don't
notice it right away, but you start to find out.
(08:12):
And it takes a while to get to this place
because this is not in the honeymoon phase. You start
to get to a place where you're overcompensating for what
you are doing, what you have, how you look, and
you're trying to make the other person feel like the
plans that you have without them aren't that big of
a deal. The career you have isn't that big of
a deal. The things you're doing aren't that exciting. You're
trying to like dumb it down, dim your own light. Disaster, bad,
(08:36):
bad bad. Someone has to lift you up, build you up.
You have to feel like your light is brighter. Someone
who's trying to make you in any way someone that
you're not and it's not over it either. It doesn't
have to be like someone criticizing you, but it's someone
letting you know that like well that's a little much
or it's not or it's too much or huh, that's
an interesting choice, or like sort of like either secretly passively,
(08:56):
aggressively jealous or competitive or trying to tell you what
not to weigh. That shit is a nightmare. That's a nightmare, Okay, bad,
bad bad flag red flag. Someone's not quite respectful of
their mother, doesn't really respect women, makes snide comments, makes
like some version of you know, inappropriate comments, has any
(09:21):
sleeze factor even like a small sleeze comment about something
else someone else like that. It's just a red flag
someone that, like I said, is not that respectful of
women in general. You might hear it about a friend's wife.
It may not be about you because you think it's different.
Anything like that, any like raising of the voice, anything that,
the way they speak to some the way they speak
(09:43):
to any staff, any weight staff, any concierge, or anything
not not not that's a critical critical indicator. How do
you encourage a man who might be a little insecure
in a way but not feed his ego. All men
are in all creatures are insecure, So you just be
confident and positively reinforced when someone does something good. Don't
(10:06):
give them a cookie because they'll feel emasculated and like
you really are marginalizing it. But really make a big
deal out of the that tastes so good, you're such
a good griller, Oh my god, wow, Or like you
look sexy, you're handsome, you're so strong like that type
is a positively reinforced But don't act like maybe you
really are so blah blah blah, like not that passag
(10:28):
give them a cookie. Shit, marry the one that loves
you more than you love them. I don't know. Try
to make it equal, then you're gonna get turned off.
And I don't know. It's a hard one. I guess.
If you have to choose between the two, yes, but
I mean I don't like that choice. Let's have an
equal partnership. I feel like men aren't men these days.
(10:48):
Can you turn a boy into a man. You could
turn a boy into a man. You could turn a
player into a nod player. But you better listen to
this podcast and listen to all the advice on how
to do it, because it ain't that easy. But you
d your ground. You do not bluff. You do not
settle for less than you deserve. You're not you don't grab.
You're not a beggar. You're not taking scraps. You're not
(11:09):
allowing bread crumbing. You're not allowing a certain communication style
that doesn't work for you. You chase the dog, the dog
runs away, the dog chases you. You run away. So yes,
you could turn a boy to a man, because most
men are infants, and the ones over fifty or even worse,
they're barely walking up right. They're like cave humans. It's
ridiculous because they've just lost every sentilla of ability to
(11:32):
connect because they've been in marriages that are soulless and
focused on their careers and their pecks, and they just
do not know how to communicate. So they're children. They're
fucking babies. The middle aged men want middle aged women anymore.
It's ridiculous out here. Yes they do, Yes, they do, Yes,
they do. They don't want coming fresh off a divorce
or when they've just made a lot of money. You're
(11:55):
usually the rebound off of the rebound. Someone gets divorced,
they go to the young, hot piece, the dumb dumb,
the knitwidth that listens to them, the opposite of their
ex wife. Then they're miserable, they're bored. It doesn't make
any sense. It doesn't fit in with their friends. They
don't want to bring them on vacations. It's awkward to
be with someone twenty years younger. We don't listen to
the same music. You feel older in comparison. You're looking
(12:16):
at you saggy skin. They're looking at their gray hair.
They want to get botox. They want the hot young piece,
but they are aware of the fact that the hot
young piece is with them because they have some money
and a retirement plan so they get more insecure, they
distrust that young person more, and they ultimately will want
someone that is going to mentally and emotionally stimulate them.
(12:38):
But do they want a fucking busted up, washed up, miserable, negative,
always complaining, nagging, middle aged wife. They had that already,
apps a fucking litely Not. Do they want someone who's
young and hot and takes care of themselves and smells
pretty and is intelligent and has something to bring to
the table and has fucking paid for their own tit
job and their own dental work. Yes, that's what they
(13:00):
do want. They want someone they can talk to who's
an equal and who's attractive, and who's pretty, and who
they're who's in good shape where they're gonna want to
have sex with, or who's just incredible in bed, or
who can do the Jedi mind fuck, or who can
give them a run for their money, because they're not
a little doormat, just beggars looking for chanel bag. Which
is why women need to have their own money. Because
(13:21):
I know so many blood in the water desperadoes that
are actually attractive in their fifties, but they're rolling up
with three to four kids and debt. That is not
the middle aged woman that a man wants. But many
of them find men too, So try to set yourself
up for success. Don't go spend your money on Luck's goods.
Join Vivrel, one of the bag rental companies or one
(13:42):
of the clothing rental companies so you don't have to
spend your money on stupid things and then have all
of this baggage and dead weight and bills and be
a lot of work that a man doesn't want. A
man doesn't want you to come in with your whole
Luck's Goods program with three kids that he has to
take care of and sent to camp and try again. Okay,
what do we got next? Okay? Divorce four years? Can't imagine?
(14:05):
Online dating? Is that the only way? It is not
the only way, but it is the most efficient way.
Is online shopping for close the only way? No? But
is it the most efficient way? Yes? Can you bring
it and return it? Yes? You know. Does it have
a return policy? Yes? Do you get to pick what
you want online and sit there and keep it in
the cart and then decide if you want to buy it? Yes?
(14:27):
So do you get to pick the color, the size,
the shipping date. Yeah, online dating is an efficient model
that I talked about before that you want to do wisely, thoughtfully,
with integrity, quality, not quantity. You do not want to
be the nit lit that just is going out for
a free drink or meal. Then you got to talk
(14:49):
to some pig for four hours. That is not You'd
rather starve, drink, consume, do a juice fast. You don't
need to go out to date some schmuck and then
be sick of it and then think and then suck
and then not want to go again. You wait. You
sit there with the bait and the hook, and you
sit on that dock and you wait till something good
comes on the line. Then you bring it in and
(15:09):
cook it. You wait for a good, good, big gorgeous fish.
Am I the problem or to men need to provide safety?
I get triggered and the trigger them. Everybody needs to
provide safety. Everybody's insecure. Everybody needs to make the other
partner feel needed and wanted. Because even the most giving
of men that just worship their partner and do everything
(15:31):
for them, that is an imbalance. I'm thinking about someone
specific on social media. Something is fucked up. I know,
it is. It's too much doting and buying and lavishing.
It doesn't track, and there's something not balanced because everybody
has needs. Everybody has needs. Men are not cave humans
with a club ooh and a loincloth. Everyone has needs.
(15:53):
And it just is about when the timeline is one
partner could give, give, give, give, give, and then one
day there are no more branches. It's the giving tree
and the person who's been giving NonStop and the dynamic
has been taking non stop. It could be financial. I
know a woman who was with a very rich man
kept taking, taking, taking, taking. I used to be like,
he's noticing, nobody's gonna know. He's noticing nobody's gonna know.
(16:14):
I'm like, he's noticing. They all notice you took, took, took,
And one day the bottom fell out and that was
the end of it. She lost a rich man. She
played checkers, not chess. Good rich man, good, nice rich man,
good smart rich man. Dumb dumb advice for dating when
(16:43):
you both have kids. Hmm, folded in slowly you fold
it in. This is like the cheese on shit, squeak.
How do we fold in the cheese? How slowly? You do?
Not rush it you're in love, you're excited. We want
to build the family on a blend. Been there, done that.
It all sounds so good on paper. This is gonna
(17:03):
be amazing. We both have kids. Yay. It's a nightmare.
Kids hate it. It's going to be disaster. It's like
taking a steak out of a freezer and deciding to
eat it. Don't be an idiot, control yourself. Wait, but
let your kids know you're dating. Do not walk on
eggshells with your kids and put them in a precious box.
I know people who've been divorced for five years and
(17:24):
they don't bring anyone around their kids. That's sick. They're sick.
That's their problem. That's letting your kids and the inmates
run the asylum. No fucking way. My daughter knows I date.
She knows I want to meet someone. She knows when
I'm going on a date. She knows how the date went.
She meets people, not many, very very few. But if
I've really liked them, she's met. If I've liked them
(17:44):
slash could love them, she's met them fairly or early.
Because I don't make a big deal about it. Like
let's say I was walking in the Hamptons and I
had gone on a date with a guy and he
happened to be walking in the Hantons. Yeah, it was
my daughter Brin. Who cares. She's fifteen years old, she's
not two years old. I'm not having someone sleep in
my bed in my house when she's there. I'm not
bringing them on vacation. But like, fold it in thoughtfully,
(18:06):
but do not wait too long. If you have a
batter and it's been sitting and then you try to
fold everything, it's not gonna work out. It's already the
baking powder and so it has been activated. And you
give your kids too much power. I don't believe in
that shit at all. Be always open and transparent with
your kids. Not about sex, not about things, not about love,
not about emotions, not if someone has an eating disorder
(18:27):
or emotional issues or their anxiety disorder. Like no, but
just like your mom wants to be happy, I want
to meet someone. I don't know if it'll happen. And
this is what's happening. And then I met a guy
named Dan. He seems okay. I'm not sure. Include them
not the day you break up with their father, not
two months after, but like at some point we're gonna
have to rip the band aid off. It's like, you
don't want to have the sex talk with your kids,
(18:48):
but do you want, you know, to have a baby
when your daughter is sixteen running around your house? You
want a high school child having a baby. No, you
have a sex talk. You're an adult. Don't be stupid.
Oh where do I go to look for men? If
I'm a homebody. If you're a homebody, you are an
online dating app dreamed. You have the time, you have
the focus. You will not go out unless it's something
(19:11):
really meaningful to go out for. I am an expert
on this because I too am insular. I'm a homebody.
If I go out, I'll have a drink in my bed.
I had a marguerite. I was so stressed yesterday. I
had a margarite and bag of chips in my bed.
The happiest place on Earth, Disney is not the happiest
place on Earth. My bed is, and not when I'm
(19:31):
having sex when I'm alone in it. Would you ever
date a next after several years broken up or never again?
Never say never, I definitely would. Usually the problems creep
right back up. Jaylo and Ben Affleck they were in love,
they loved each other. It was magic. I wanted it
to work. You can't go home again, baby, I answered
this before be with someone who dislikes their mom and
(19:52):
isn't close to her. It depends on what her mom's like.
Not all moms are created equal. It depends if it's
very distressing. If this person is very distres respectful, then
I probably know. But that's not a one size fits all.
Thoughts on boyfriend moving into his parents' home for caretaking purposes.
It's a very hard one. I understand it. It's admirable.
It means it's a beautiful human being. It means you're
(20:14):
gonna have to find ways to control this. It means
you're gonna feel like you're a bad person because it's annoying.
It means like you it's something it's across to bear.
It means when you meet someone, you have to know
who their family is, because you are ultimately marrying their family.
If they're close to their family. You're marrying any children
who may have special needs or parents. You're marrying their siblings,
(20:37):
You're marrying their job, their coworkers, You're marrying a lot
of different things. Is it possible to be too pretty
to find a man. No, because there's a seat forever. Yes,
but it's possible that it's hard for a pretty person
to find a man. But it's because you're not focusing
on your personality. You're focusing on your looks. The fact
that you even asked that means you're focusing on your looks.
(20:58):
You should be focusing on your personality. And you engage,
and if you know you're so pretty, you'll have to
find clever, non desperate ways to engage, to make the
first move without it seeming like you're making the first
move but then getting an inkling of your flirtation. You'll
have to find a way. So anything's possible. But I
don't think that's your problem. How soon do you expect
(21:18):
a text after a first date that the text went
very well that night, some check in had a great
time tonight, if not the next day. If the guy
doesn't text you the next day's not into you and
or he's an insecure loser, I'm neither or great. You
could still go out with them again, because you could
also win. You can always get the ball back. I
don't like it, though, I don't like it. Nobody I
got time, I want to be nowhere, I stand at
all times. Two pieces of advice. One get a personality test.
(21:42):
Take a personality test. This will tell you who you
are in the world, how you deal with things, what
type of employer you are, what type of person worker, etc.
How you deal with life. Take an attachment theory test.
It will tell you who you are in a relationship,
how you attach. Are you anxious attack? Do you have
a panic attack if someone's not constantly in contact? Are
(22:03):
you avoidant attachment where you kind of like if it
gets close you get scared. Are you a hybrid? Are
you healthy attachment? This is all real. This is all
based on how we attached with our parents as a child,
and it can be dysfunctional. Even if your parents have
been together for seventy years, it doesn't mean everything has
to be like a perfect relationship. You could have parents
that never expressed feelings. They just don't believe in that.
(22:26):
They're just sort of cold but loving and good, solid
parents that have morals and integrity, But they grew up
in a household where people don't express feelings. That could
lead to an attachment disorder. You don't know how to
properly communicate and connect. Someone tells you they love you,
That's when things get scary. Things get too close to committed.
That's when things get scary. You run away. Just know
(22:48):
where you stand and know where someone else stands, so
you know what you're dealing with. You don't have a
puzzle that is four pieces missing. It's a very I
wish I knew any of this as a thirty year old.
I've learned this all in my fifties a fucking waste,
but it's not because the truth is I wouldn't have
wanted to be with someone of my thirties. Honestly, I
would never. This is like I'm getting at the age
an hour like this is like we're this is the
(23:09):
person you're gonna spend your whole life with. So it's
never too late, especially if you're a supermodel, not going
on dating apps. How you put yourself out there when
doing hobbies et cetera. Gym classes, clubs, private clubs, learn
a language, work events, work mixer events like work events,
(23:30):
work trips, work events, holiday parties, cocktail parties, and talk
to people. Go out of your way. Don't get a
bad reputation, don't sleep around, don't be the one who
gets too drunk is overserved. Always pay attention to how
you look. When you're gonna be interacting with other men,
you have to be some version of social to meet
someone single, working, parent, three year old, trying to figure
(23:53):
out how to re enter dating but I am tired
do online dating. Set them up as lunches, early drinks, coffee,
find activities. You will find like minded people. Many men
that I know are slugs. They're boring, they're exhausted, they
want to go to bed at eight. There are a
lot of exhausted, boring people. Find yourself another one, or
someone who's not boring but likes to go to bed early,
(24:13):
that doesn't drink, whatever it is. Someone who doesn't drink
or do drugs is probably going to be less activating
as someone who does.
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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