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January 24, 2025 12 mins

Getting totally schooled at being a volleyball mom... and living to tell the tale. Let's go!

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
So I met bad mom's volleyball. I went to my
daughter's volleyball tournament, where was in Hempstead, and I walked
in and I thought that I was proactive because I
brought a chair that I had bought for the lacrosse games.
I thought I invented and discovered America by going online

(00:35):
and buying a chair for lacrosse games, thinking like, I
might be outside and I'm watching, and last time I
was I was sitting on the ground. So let me
get this chair. And I felt like I was so
amazingly prepared. It's a cross body chair. I was so excited.
So Britain told me that this particular that the tournaments
have seats. So I thought they have seats. I was excited,
but at the last minute she said they don't. They're

(00:56):
not going to have seats. So I brought my chair,
which is like it's a cross body, almost like a
beach chair. It's like it's flat, it's almost like a
thin mat that touches the ground, and then it has
a little back and somehow it folds up and somehow
it stays up like a chair and you're on the ground.
And so I got to the La Cross game, and
I'm not exaggerating. I'm not an exaggerator.

Speaker 2 (01:18):
By the way. I'll let you know, I'm a very
literal person.

Speaker 1 (01:20):
When I tell you something, I may speak with emphasis
and it sounds like hyperbole, but it's only hyperbole and
intonation of my speech. It's not actual hyperbole. I do
not exaggerate. I just say I'm very literal with everything,
and I take things literally. So if something says something,
if somebody says something to me, I believe it literally,
and I expect them to do something literally if they

(01:42):
tell me they're going to or not too if they don't.
So I'm literally telling you that these tournaments, if you've
been to them, you know, there could probably be five hundred.
I don't know seven hundred. Could there be a thousand
people in the stadium or the thing. I don't think so,
but like hundreds of people. So I walk in to
the Hempstead Hofstra University multiple volleyball court gym, and everybody

(02:07):
has the same chair. Everybody has the same chair. Everybody
has this chair that looks like an armchair, like a
club chair, but of like folding chair black material. There
might be there are a couple of like colors of it,
you know, like maybe there's like a blue or red
or something, but like by and large, ninety percent of

(02:29):
the one hundred percent of chairs are black and they
sometimes have two little cup holders. And these women it's
mostly women, but the husbands are there too, but it's
the women that are holding down the fort. The husbands
are like just passengers. These women are grown middle aged
woman boy scouts. There's not a fucking snack. They don't

(02:52):
have a wipe, a water, a treat, a garment, a
nap get like, it's just like a glass is probably lotion,
Like they probably have a sewing kit.

Speaker 2 (03:08):
That was Hyperabiley. They probably, but I.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
Don't know that it was. I don't know that. They
don't have deodorant in there. I don't know that they
don't have like a mass and Gill Douche in there.
I don't know that, but I don't that was Hyperboley too.
But like all these women are in these chairs. Now,
my chair is turquoise. It is a cross body person.
It's on the floor. So I walk in and like

(03:31):
they're always early and that's annoying, Like, respectfully, I don't
need to be at this tournament. From nine to seven
o'clock at night. One goes till nine o'clock at late
at night. Like my best one of my closest friends
has four daughters, and she said, you can excel at sports.
There's only so farthest thing is probably going to go
because I'm not fucking going to tournaments. Now. None of
her kids, she's a Jewish woman from Jersey. Most of

(03:51):
her kids are not you know, six foot three professional
basketball players. Respectfully, they're smart, they're athletic, but like, listen,
none of them are major athletes. I don't think any
of her four girls are playing football for the NFL,
so you know, and but so, but she just didn't
want to go. So I try to make these rules
for myself, like I won't go to every single away

(04:14):
tournament for these volleyball leagues. Like I love you so much,
I'm not like every single weekend going to a volleyball tournament.
I mean, that's just not And I remember as a kid,
I begged my mother. I wanted her to be like
the PTA mom and go to a bake sale never
one time. So I probably go into twenty games overall,
and I've gone to maybe one or two tournaments. She's

(04:34):
only done the club thing two seasons, so and one
my mother died. I didn't get to go to the
Philadelphia one where you go and you get a hotel
and I was gonna get a nice hotel and it's gonna
be three thousand dollars, Like what the fuck? So people
stay in the same hotel as the kids and the
club dinners, and.

Speaker 2 (04:49):
It's just like it's it's a lot. Okay, it's a lot.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
And I know someone who said they think club sports
are tearing families apart because one mom's here, the dad's there.
They're all over the place octopus fucking org charts and
people from NASA trying to analyze where everyon's supposed to
be and all the equipment. And I was not born
for the slave. I was not born for three boys
and hockey sticks and smelly jockstraps in my house. Like
thank God, my little daughter is a little princess who
used packing cubes and proactively books a tutor and knows

(05:16):
that she wants to go to school at University of
Miami in ninth grade, like God met me where I
am at And also she's my daughter, So there you go.

(05:39):
So the husbands are there puffer vest University? When I
tell you thirty two percent of the husbands of the
volleyball bad moms have puffer vests. And if they don't
have puffer vest, if some version of a vest, okay,
just whatever that means to you.

Speaker 2 (05:54):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (05:55):
But these bitches have everything. Okay, they have drinks, they
have goldfish. They come, they get excited. They talk about
the different coffee they make, coffe they love the dialogue
is they made like a going for coffee?

Speaker 2 (06:05):
Is any want coffee? What do you want? What do
you want? No, You'll get me.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
A Venmo big Venmo is big with the fucking volleyball
moms big with the bat Mom's volleyball Vemo Venmo.

Speaker 2 (06:13):
You just found me you I'll get it next time.
You get it here.

Speaker 1 (06:15):
But they like the yent to gossip of it, like
it's giving nails. And like that cigarette case that like
this woman Pat Wilson who used to watch me and
stat in Ozone Park queens like opening the cigarette case smoking,
just talking about shit that doesn't matter, which is why
I like it, because like these women will spend fifteen
minutes on like the coffee, and I'll get the coffee
two cremps, Dishy, what who eased to coffee like that?

(06:36):
What do you mean? Know? They have a Vanella syrup
and I'm going They're not going there. They're ice coffee
is terrible, Like it's twenty it's fifteen to twenty minutes
on the ice coffee. And then we're into like the
Danish or the Ruggel, and then someone's bringing munchkins. Oh,
and everybody's just shoveling in munchkins and everything you can
possibly eat, and lunchtime comes and it's a whole discussion.
And I actually offered someone chicken salad because I am

(06:59):
a chicken salad influencer, as many of you may know,
and I reviewed chicken salad and I went to a
deli called Main Street Deli in Hempstead and bought their
chicken salad to review it. It wasn't great, just you know,
and they gave me like four pounds of it and
it was annoying. And I came back and I took
one bite and I said, you guys want some chicken salad.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
She's like, now I brought some. I'm like, wait, you
brought chicken sala?

Speaker 1 (07:18):
Like why you have chicken salad like I just have it,
because like I do it, like you just have chicken salad.
I just saw five other things that you have, so
they're just like there to live. And I walk in
and I don't know how I started with the talking
to his one, but I walked in and I was
in barrased, like I.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
Was really the bad mom.

Speaker 1 (07:38):
And I walked in and I'm not going to I'm
gonna never sugar coat. I'm gonna tell you what it
really is.

Speaker 2 (07:44):
Now. I'm a great mom. I really really am. I
don't have any issues with this.

Speaker 1 (07:47):
I do everything with my daughter, and I mean fucking
since she was a little kid, it was Gingerbread University
every year, and let's go to your make your own
ice cream, let's do the place where we go to
take your friends and make jeans, and let's go to
the merry ground, and let's go to the bed, and
let's go to the every it's a bubble thing, the
children's music. I I was over compensating for growing up
in a cocaine fueled gambling den, going to nightclubs at thirteen,

(08:10):
and shooting craps when I was thirteen in Vegas.

Speaker 2 (08:13):
True story. So I was over compensating.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
But I'm a great mom, but because I'm lo a
known personality, and these people are my people and they're fans.
Like when I walk in, they're giving me a little extra, like, oh,
this poor thing, she doesn't know anything. And these bad
moms that are like Queen's moms, they're fans, of course
they are. But I say one thing out a turn,
They're gonna fucking hate my guts and they don't give.

Speaker 2 (08:34):
A shit and they really don't care.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
Like the guild is off the lily, the smell is
off the new car two minutes in, do you know
what I mean? Like they met me at happened, We
took a picture. They think I'm great, but like they'll
tell all their friends it's great currency but like it's
okay if I fuck around and like say the wrong
thing during the game, like they'll kill me. They'll cut
a bitch, do you know what I mean? And the
one next to me says to me, I'm a screamer.
I scream for my kid, I scream for your kid.

(08:57):
I scream for every kid. I'm like, fuck, I go okay,
I scream for every kid too. I don't scream for
every kid I don't even know what the fuck they're doing.
I don't know what they're playing. I don't know what
time it is. If there weren't for that score, I
wouldn't know.

Speaker 2 (09:08):
I like it.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
I think it's a wonderful game. My daughter's always looking
over to see if I'm looking. She wants to see
that I see everything that she does. It's so rewarding.

Speaker 2 (09:15):
I love it.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
So I walk in and I open my chair and
like I can't get it, Like everybody's already set up.
I always like to be It's like Housewives trips. I
always show up late and I want to leave early.
Like I'm always trying to figure out how to come
up late and leave early. You know, Like if it
starts at nine, I'm good like rolling in at like
ten fifteen. If it ends at five, I'm good like
leaving at four.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
I'm cool. I like, I check the box. Okay.

Speaker 1 (09:38):
So I come in and like, this is not It's
one of those weird like domino chairs. It's folding one
way the other way, but like how does that arm
work in the back, And like I'm making a scene
because everyone not everyone. I'm not a narcissist completely, but
people know who I am. And I've also walked in
late and like, I have a turquoise chair and it's
a crossbody and it's like none of those other chairs,
and I like first think I've got the key because

(10:00):
I'm putting it up against these random bleacher but they're
not seat bleachers. They're just like folded up some things again,
and I'm like, I got this, but I really don't
got it. I don't feel right. My chair's not together,
but I don't know how to like do it because
it's just embarrassing. And now all these queens women are
coming up to me and they're like, oh my god,
she needs help. So the one woman's like got her
ass in the air and she's like, don't don't, please,
don't fill my ass because I put them on my

(10:22):
socials and I'm like, you're saving my ass. I'll save
your ass, and so she puts my chair together, and
then I'm sitting on the floor and like my turquoi.
It's just like they're like, oh my god, and then
I'm and I just by the end of the day,
they all my fucking chair. One of them is in
my chair. I'm like, you're jealous, You're jealous my fucking
chair because I'm on the floor. You're sitting up like
every other basic bad mom bitch, and I'm on the floor,

(10:44):
like my back is up. I'm like so good and
I can like lean back and like recline. So my
chair fucking ruled. And then I went to the car
and as one does, I have beauty in the car
because I have all this shit that people send me
and I always have gifts everywhere because gift giving is
my love language. And I come back in and I
give all these women individual gift bags. They think I've

(11:04):
gone and bought it. I'm like I did, and I
just had them in the car like what. So then
they were excited and this will like make them happy forever.
We took pictures. I had the best time, but just
to say that, like these fucking volleyball moms are they're
They're savage, and I'm gonna see them again this weekend.

Speaker 2 (11:19):
How about I'm excited. I love a fucking queen's mom.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
I've been to other ones where it's like sort of
like waspy, prissy like moms and they want to like
show me how much they don't care and they're not impressed.
And all this shit, like these fucking queen's bitches. They're
my people, ice coffee, you fucking chairs sucks. They have
every piece of food. I just I live for them.
They got to know what you got. I went out,
I go where'd you go? You went to my instrumt oh,

(11:44):
I know, mainStreet.

Speaker 2 (11:45):
Dell like full on.

Speaker 1 (11:47):
They want to tell you where everything is, what's good,
what's not. Don't go there, go there. It's just insane
and they're just gossiping all day about nothing, and they're
very like exaggerated. And the volleyball mom, the volleyball bad
mom uniform is a hoodie with a shirt underneath and
leggings period period. So the husband's uniform is a puffer

(12:11):
vest or a vest, and the woman's is leggings and
some version of a hoodie or a fleece or some
version of something like that over something else. That's what
I got, That's what I got, That's what I learned.
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Host

Bethenny Frankel

Bethenny Frankel

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