July 29, 2025 • 12 mins
Finding the right match is like picking out an apartment. You can't have it ALL so what's really important to you? PLUS: How you can be a boss bitch and handle yourself at work? Let's talk apologies, working smart not hard, and protecting yourself.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
I think dating is like finding an apartment. So if
you if you're not a billionaire, and I even mean
people who have like tens of millions of dollars and
maybe even like one hundred million dollars or fifty million dollars,
are going to have to compromise in some way in
an apartment in New York City? What do I mean? Okay,
it's very hard to find high ceilings, bright, good location,
(00:35):
doorman amenities. For me, a small building, maybe a situation
where you don't really have to like interact with other
people in an elevator, like I said, a good location, privacy,
maybe your own parking spot, maybe a garage next door,
like even for someone who has one hundred million dollars,
like you might not find all of this. Okay, you
have to decide what you want, right, What do you want?
(00:56):
Do you need a view? Or do you like I
like to walk off the street. I don't like to
get in an elevator and talk to other people and
press a button to get a view. So where are
you getting a massive view on by yourself? You're building
a three billion dollar high rise for yourself. Like, so
I'm saying, there's always gonna be some sacrifice. Take it
all the way. What if you want a JACUZI, you
(01:16):
want to pool, you want outdoor space, you have dogs,
you want to entertain outside. You want a barbecue outside.
Whatever it is finding a New York City apartment, there
will always be a compromise fireplace. You can't have a
real wood burning fireplace, but you can have a gas
you can't have either. There will always be something central
ac like it never ends. I've found amazing places. There's
always a rub. That's what a relationship is. So what
(01:39):
is most important to you me in an apartment. The
size of the space and the way the space is
used is critical. I don't need a very fancy lobby.
I don't need people to be impressed when they walk
into my lobby. I really need nondescript and clean. But
my apartment to be what I need it to be.
I don't really need a view per se, but I
(02:02):
need some version of a view, like it doesn't have
to be of the ocean or of the mountains, but
it has to not be that I look in the
back to like a hedge, like I'm in some basic,
normal backyard. I have to have some version of a
view or something that feels great, and if I don't,
something else has to be that amazing. So I've had
crazy multi million dollar apartments in New York City. There
were forty two hundred square feet. But I'm kind of
(02:24):
looking at nothing. And i have a place in Miami
that every room has ocean view, but it's a small
place and I'm compromising on my closet. It's like, that's
what relationships are. So what is important to you? So
is it the most important that you feel safe? What
if you need to feel safe, cared for and loved,
but then you won't have good sex and you won't
(02:46):
feel like you're having fun. What if you feel safe
and are having fun, you know someone loves you, but
you're having fun, but that person is a drug addict literally,
because you know, if you ever been in a relationship
with someone who has like an alcohol issue or a
drug issue. But what if they're a good person, are
they going to change? Like? Are you going to be
(03:07):
there for that change? What is most important? What if
the person is a great father, or you're divorced and
they're great to your kids, but you you often feel
like you're on shaky ground. What if someone has OCD.
What if someone has massive anxiety, they get really anxious.
What if someone's bipolar, What if someone's suppressed? Like, what
if someone has an eating disorder? Like? What is it?
(03:28):
We're never getting something perfect? So how much can someone change?
And how do you decide what's on your menu? And
does your menu change? You know? Sometimes the pendulum swings.
You get in one relationship and you are with someone who,
let's just say, is fun is wild? Like you love it,
you love their family, you love their mom, you love
their kids, you think they're hot, but you don't feel
(03:48):
that safe. Then in the next relationship you want to
feel really, really safe, but the person is not fun
and you don't like their family and it's boring. How
do you decide what needs to change, what you're willing
to settle for, Like what if it's a religious thing,
like someone is not doesn't or doesn't align with you
on politics? My friend says, you weigh the pros and cons.
You write a list and also a good way is
(04:11):
wants and needs. What do you want? What do you need?
And you can write it out for another person. Certainly
can't do that on your first date. But before you
get too far into the wrong card. You may want
to a write down what you want before meeting someone,
but the game will move quickly and things will change
and you'll have things on the menu that you didn't
even think were on the menu. So once you get
(04:32):
into a relationship, and let's say, as you're approaching three months,
because three months is a critical period, you start to
like hone in and be like, okay, if we're deciding
whether we're really going to go the distance, do you
have this? Do you have that? Can you be this?
Can you not be that? Can you change? And then
what if you get to six months? That's getting serious.
You know, some people believe you should be with someone
(04:52):
four seasons. So I just think it's interesting to think
about if people can change and what is most important,
and it will be different from men many people. Some
people need autonomy, They need to feel free and independent.
They can't be shackled, you know. Some people need fidelity.
Some people need you to be loyal. Some other people
could have an open relationship as long as they're loved
(05:13):
and they're getting what they need, they don't care what
you do, like, what are the wants, what are the needs?
What are the pros? What are the cons what are
the possibilities for change and what can you settle for
and what can you not settle for? And also how
does someone look in your future? How does someone look
with you when you're eighty on the bench. Is this
(05:33):
who you're going to grow old with? What is going
to be important when you get older? I think it's
an interesting conversation. As women, we are too apologetic in business.
(05:57):
Someone recently said to me, don't apologize that you've just
said that, because I had just laid down the law
about something in work, and women tend to then feel
badly and apologize after. Now. It doesn't mean you're not
supposed to be mean, and you're not supposed to be
half cocked, unhinged, abusive, nothing like that. But if you're
(06:19):
straightforward and you lay down the law, things fall into place.
And I've found that in business I've been much more
successful when i've done that, and I've been doing it
more lately. So let me give you an example. Someone
does something that is completely unacceptable, like it has crossed
the line, and it requires a very strong response instead
(06:41):
of hedging it, instead of saying you're really great and
you're doing great, and I usually say I literally said,
what exactly were you thinking? Like I was intense, I
was harsh. I didn't back down, and I stuck to it.
Someone did apologize later in a very sort of diluted way,
(07:02):
which did stick with me, because when you do something
wrong at work or in life, it's not what you do,
it's how you respond afterwards, and you better buck up,
and you better apologize in a strong, meaningful, authentic manner,
a genuine manner, like you mean it, not like a throwaway,
because I find that sometimes people get self conscious and
(07:23):
insecure and when they're apologizing, they're kind of like it's
like a throwaway, Like it's like they're doing you a favor.
And if you're going to apologize to me, it better
be a fully baked apology. But also, I'm not going
to apologize for saying when something is absolutely unacceptable. Another
thing that goes on sometimes we do like we do
at home with our kids, and we do too much,
(07:44):
and we kind of are there as a crutch for
people that work for us, and then and they lean
on that, and you find yourself in every weed, and
the weeds will always grow back, so you find yourself
going into different weeds and people may not know what
you're going through. It might happen in your life and
like your household as like a parent or a mother,
where you're the giving tree and people keep pulling. It
might happen at work where people just the muscle. People
(08:07):
just rely on that muscle, and so they keep asking
you because you're not creating boundaries and you're not doing
that in your house. And so what's been happening lately
is I'll say I can do my job, I can't
do yours, And that seems like a bitchy thing, but
it's entirely true, and I mean it from with every
fiber of my being. And a man could say that
(08:28):
and totally get away with it without seeming like no
one calls a man a bitch, you know, like people
think that women are bitchy if they're tough, And you
know what, if you're going to be strong in business
and successful, you have to be direct, straightforward, fair, but tough.
And so I've recently been not apologizing about the basic
standards of what needs to happen in a workplace. And
(08:48):
when you become more successful and things start thriving, you're
going to find that not everybody is up to snuff.
You will find that people get left behind. And it's
really not show friends, it's show business. You should always
be loyal and honest. And I do have people that
work with me that work fewer hours and get paid
more money, and they've been with me forever because trust
is massive, and so is hard work and loyalty and honesty.
(09:10):
It's invaluable. But some people will be left by the
waystside if they're not meeting you where you're at and
rising to the occasion. And you will see a change
in people when you know employees can like almost bully employers,
meaning they can sometimes like push to as far as
you'll let them, and you decide where the line is
and what's acceptable and what's unacceptable, and who's going the
(09:33):
extra mile and who's like only counting every single minute,
every single hour, every single lunch break and really just
is waiting to get to that. You know the difference.
You know who's going all the way, And you take
the people all the way that work from day one,
like they're going all the way, even if they're not
getting paid, like they're going all the way, even if
they have the grunt work job. Like that's when you
really see who people are. But I am a person
(09:54):
that will say this is unacceptable and I will only
do my job. I will not do yours because as
those days are over, business is too big and if
you are spending time in the weeds, you're not spending
time on the big picture. If you have to be
the rain maker and make the big decisions and the
strategic decisions. Or even at work, if you work for
somebody else or you work with other people, you're pulling
someone else's weight. Absolutely not. Doesn't mean you won't help
(10:17):
someone out, especially if someone's drowning, but it means day
to day you have to do your job to the
best of your ability, because if you're doing someone else's job,
then you're slacking on your own. And ultimately, everybody has
to do the job that is at the seat that
they're in, and doing extra is great when you finish,
(10:38):
it's great, but we all, as parents and as professionals,
get sucked into weeds. You've got to try as you
go into twenty twenty five to not get sucked down
in the weeds. They will drown you, they will strangle you,
and you can't get out, and other people will get
used to you being in those weeds. So the balance
(10:58):
has been critical for me. It's such a good feeling
when you just have that boundary and you just absolutely
will not do a job it's not your own, and
you will not accept other people not doing their jobs.
And people need to work smart. It's not about working harder,
it's about working smarter. I find so many people expend
(11:18):
so much energy in the wrong area, like they just
you watch them flailing. They're not efficient, they're not organized,
they're not path of least resistance, and you're sitting there
saying you're exasperated and exhausted because you're not working smart.
And people have to be in the right seats to
be able to work smart. It's a very, very big thing.
And when you're talking about your staff, you have to
(11:40):
think about who's in what seat, because if someone's in
the wrong seat, if you have someone playing the wrong
position on a basketball team or a football team or
in crew or anything, they could be terrible. Someone could
be terrible if they're playing the wrong sport the wrong position.
So you make sure as you look at your business
and people around you, that everybody is sitting in the
(12:03):
best seat for them to thrive in
I think dating is like finding an apartment. So if
you if you're not a billionaire, and I even mean
people who have like tens of millions of dollars and
maybe even like one hundred million dollars or fifty million dollars,
are going to have to compromise in some way in
an apartment in New York City? What do I mean? Okay,
it's very hard to find high ceilings, bright, good location,
(00:35):
doorman amenities. For me, a small building, maybe a situation
where you don't really have to like interact with other
people in an elevator, like I said, a good location, privacy,
maybe your own parking spot, maybe a garage next door,
like even for someone who has one hundred million dollars,
like you might not find all of this. Okay, you
have to decide what you want, right, What do you want?
(00:56):
Do you need a view? Or do you like I
like to walk off the street. I don't like to
get in an elevator and talk to other people and
press a button to get a view. So where are
you getting a massive view on by yourself? You're building
a three billion dollar high rise for yourself. Like, so
I'm saying, there's always gonna be some sacrifice. Take it
all the way. What if you want a JACUZI, you
(01:16):
want to pool, you want outdoor space, you have dogs,
you want to entertain outside. You want a barbecue outside.
Whatever it is finding a New York City apartment, there
will always be a compromise fireplace. You can't have a
real wood burning fireplace, but you can have a gas
you can't have either. There will always be something central
ac like it never ends. I've found amazing places. There's
always a rub. That's what a relationship is. So what
(01:39):
is most important to you me in an apartment. The
size of the space and the way the space is
used is critical. I don't need a very fancy lobby.
I don't need people to be impressed when they walk
into my lobby. I really need nondescript and clean. But
my apartment to be what I need it to be.
I don't really need a view per se, but I
(02:02):
need some version of a view, like it doesn't have
to be of the ocean or of the mountains, but
it has to not be that I look in the
back to like a hedge, like I'm in some basic,
normal backyard. I have to have some version of a
view or something that feels great, and if I don't,
something else has to be that amazing. So I've had
crazy multi million dollar apartments in New York City. There
were forty two hundred square feet. But I'm kind of
(02:24):
looking at nothing. And i have a place in Miami
that every room has ocean view, but it's a small
place and I'm compromising on my closet. It's like, that's
what relationships are. So what is important to you? So
is it the most important that you feel safe? What
if you need to feel safe, cared for and loved,
but then you won't have good sex and you won't
(02:46):
feel like you're having fun. What if you feel safe
and are having fun, you know someone loves you, but
you're having fun, but that person is a drug addict literally,
because you know, if you ever been in a relationship
with someone who has like an alcohol issue or a
drug issue. But what if they're a good person, are
they going to change? Like? Are you going to be
(03:07):
there for that change? What is most important? What if
the person is a great father, or you're divorced and
they're great to your kids, but you you often feel
like you're on shaky ground. What if someone has OCD.
What if someone has massive anxiety, they get really anxious.
What if someone's bipolar, What if someone's suppressed? Like, what
if someone has an eating disorder? Like? What is it?
(03:28):
We're never getting something perfect? So how much can someone change?
And how do you decide what's on your menu? And
does your menu change? You know? Sometimes the pendulum swings.
You get in one relationship and you are with someone who,
let's just say, is fun is wild? Like you love it,
you love their family, you love their mom, you love
their kids, you think they're hot, but you don't feel
(03:48):
that safe. Then in the next relationship you want to
feel really, really safe, but the person is not fun
and you don't like their family and it's boring. How
do you decide what needs to change, what you're willing
to settle for, Like what if it's a religious thing,
like someone is not doesn't or doesn't align with you
on politics? My friend says, you weigh the pros and cons.
You write a list and also a good way is
(04:11):
wants and needs. What do you want? What do you need?
And you can write it out for another person. Certainly
can't do that on your first date. But before you
get too far into the wrong card. You may want
to a write down what you want before meeting someone,
but the game will move quickly and things will change
and you'll have things on the menu that you didn't
even think were on the menu. So once you get
(04:32):
into a relationship, and let's say, as you're approaching three months,
because three months is a critical period, you start to
like hone in and be like, okay, if we're deciding
whether we're really going to go the distance, do you
have this? Do you have that? Can you be this?
Can you not be that? Can you change? And then
what if you get to six months? That's getting serious.
You know, some people believe you should be with someone
(04:52):
four seasons. So I just think it's interesting to think
about if people can change and what is most important,
and it will be different from men many people. Some
people need autonomy, They need to feel free and independent.
They can't be shackled, you know. Some people need fidelity.
Some people need you to be loyal. Some other people
could have an open relationship as long as they're loved
(05:13):
and they're getting what they need, they don't care what
you do, like, what are the wants, what are the needs?
What are the pros? What are the cons what are
the possibilities for change and what can you settle for
and what can you not settle for? And also how
does someone look in your future? How does someone look
with you when you're eighty on the bench. Is this
(05:33):
who you're going to grow old with? What is going
to be important when you get older? I think it's
an interesting conversation. As women, we are too apologetic in business.
(05:57):
Someone recently said to me, don't apologize that you've just
said that, because I had just laid down the law
about something in work, and women tend to then feel
badly and apologize after. Now. It doesn't mean you're not
supposed to be mean, and you're not supposed to be
half cocked, unhinged, abusive, nothing like that. But if you're
(06:19):
straightforward and you lay down the law, things fall into place.
And I've found that in business I've been much more
successful when i've done that, and I've been doing it
more lately. So let me give you an example. Someone
does something that is completely unacceptable, like it has crossed
the line, and it requires a very strong response instead
(06:41):
of hedging it, instead of saying you're really great and
you're doing great, and I usually say I literally said,
what exactly were you thinking? Like I was intense, I
was harsh. I didn't back down, and I stuck to it.
Someone did apologize later in a very sort of diluted way,
(07:02):
which did stick with me, because when you do something
wrong at work or in life, it's not what you do,
it's how you respond afterwards, and you better buck up,
and you better apologize in a strong, meaningful, authentic manner,
a genuine manner, like you mean it, not like a throwaway,
because I find that sometimes people get self conscious and
(07:23):
insecure and when they're apologizing, they're kind of like it's
like a throwaway, Like it's like they're doing you a favor.
And if you're going to apologize to me, it better
be a fully baked apology. But also, I'm not going
to apologize for saying when something is absolutely unacceptable. Another
thing that goes on sometimes we do like we do
at home with our kids, and we do too much,
(07:44):
and we kind of are there as a crutch for
people that work for us, and then and they lean
on that, and you find yourself in every weed, and
the weeds will always grow back, so you find yourself
going into different weeds and people may not know what
you're going through. It might happen in your life and
like your household as like a parent or a mother,
where you're the giving tree and people keep pulling. It
might happen at work where people just the muscle. People
(08:07):
just rely on that muscle, and so they keep asking
you because you're not creating boundaries and you're not doing
that in your house. And so what's been happening lately
is I'll say I can do my job, I can't
do yours, And that seems like a bitchy thing, but
it's entirely true, and I mean it from with every
fiber of my being. And a man could say that
(08:28):
and totally get away with it without seeming like no
one calls a man a bitch, you know, like people
think that women are bitchy if they're tough, And you
know what, if you're going to be strong in business
and successful, you have to be direct, straightforward, fair, but tough.
And so I've recently been not apologizing about the basic
standards of what needs to happen in a workplace. And
(08:48):
when you become more successful and things start thriving, you're
going to find that not everybody is up to snuff.
You will find that people get left behind. And it's
really not show friends, it's show business. You should always
be loyal and honest. And I do have people that
work with me that work fewer hours and get paid
more money, and they've been with me forever because trust
is massive, and so is hard work and loyalty and honesty.
(09:10):
It's invaluable. But some people will be left by the
waystside if they're not meeting you where you're at and
rising to the occasion. And you will see a change
in people when you know employees can like almost bully employers,
meaning they can sometimes like push to as far as
you'll let them, and you decide where the line is
and what's acceptable and what's unacceptable, and who's going the
(09:33):
extra mile and who's like only counting every single minute,
every single hour, every single lunch break and really just
is waiting to get to that. You know the difference.
You know who's going all the way, And you take
the people all the way that work from day one,
like they're going all the way, even if they're not
getting paid, like they're going all the way, even if
they have the grunt work job. Like that's when you
really see who people are. But I am a person
(09:54):
that will say this is unacceptable and I will only
do my job. I will not do yours because as
those days are over, business is too big and if
you are spending time in the weeds, you're not spending
time on the big picture. If you have to be
the rain maker and make the big decisions and the
strategic decisions. Or even at work, if you work for
somebody else or you work with other people, you're pulling
someone else's weight. Absolutely not. Doesn't mean you won't help
(10:17):
someone out, especially if someone's drowning, but it means day
to day you have to do your job to the
best of your ability, because if you're doing someone else's job,
then you're slacking on your own. And ultimately, everybody has
to do the job that is at the seat that
they're in, and doing extra is great when you finish,
(10:38):
it's great, but we all, as parents and as professionals,
get sucked into weeds. You've got to try as you
go into twenty twenty five to not get sucked down
in the weeds. They will drown you, they will strangle you,
and you can't get out, and other people will get
used to you being in those weeds. So the balance
(10:58):
has been critical for me. It's such a good feeling
when you just have that boundary and you just absolutely
will not do a job it's not your own, and
you will not accept other people not doing their jobs.
And people need to work smart. It's not about working harder,
it's about working smarter. I find so many people expend
(11:18):
so much energy in the wrong area, like they just
you watch them flailing. They're not efficient, they're not organized,
they're not path of least resistance, and you're sitting there
saying you're exasperated and exhausted because you're not working smart.
And people have to be in the right seats to
be able to work smart. It's a very, very big thing.
And when you're talking about your staff, you have to
(11:40):
think about who's in what seat, because if someone's in
the wrong seat, if you have someone playing the wrong
position on a basketball team or a football team or
in crew or anything, they could be terrible. Someone could
be terrible if they're playing the wrong sport the wrong position.
So you make sure as you look at your business
and people around you, that everybody is sitting in the
(12:03):
best seat for them to thrive in
Host
Bethenny Frankel
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.