December 5, 2022 • 43 mins
Dating is one thing, but reentering the dating landscape after 10 years of marriage–and aging–is another battle itself. Tracy and Cara welcome Charneeta Best to share her story of falling in and out and back into love and to discuss the “Wait, What?!” moments of Paulina Porizkova’s Red Table Talk appearance. Listen and learn Charneeta’s relationship non negotiables as a 40+ woman and the new “sexy” dinner conversations she’s having. PLUS, Charneeta dishes how early into her marriage she wanted out and how long it took her to finally set herself free.
Hosts Information:
Cara Pressley
@thecareercheerleader Cara’s Instagram
@TheCareerCheerleader Cara’s Facebook
@the1cheering4U Cara’s Twitter
@FeelinSuccessful Cara’s TikTok
Tracy T. Rowe
@tracytrowe Tracy’s Instagram
@troweandco Tracy’s Facebook
@tracytrowe Tracy’s Twitter
@tracytrowe Tracy’s TikTok
----
#LRTT
Listening and loving the show? Please be sure to rate and review.
Have a question you want us to discuss on Let’s Red Table That? Email us at:
letsredtablethat@redtabletalk.com
-----
LET’S RED TABLE THAT is produced by Red Table Talk Podcasts. EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS Jada Pinkett Smith, Fallon Jethroe and Ellen Rakieten. PRODUCER Kyla Carneiro. ASSOCIATE PRODUCER Yolanda Chow. EDITOR AND AUDIO MIXER Stepfanie Aguilar. MUSIC from Epidemic Sound. LET’S RED TABLE THAT is in partnership with iHeartRadio.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Talk about bottling. That would have been a hype mare.
Hey y'all, Hey, what's up, and welcome to let's red
table Back. I'm Tracy t Row and I'm Kral Pressley.
How are you feeling to day? Tracy? I am feeling
every day amazing and I want you to know I
know you are feeling successful. And we get a chance
(00:22):
to talk about this episode. This Paulina Periscova episode was
insanely chopped fool of goodness. I was watching it like, Okay,
I can't wait, I can't wait to talk about this.
I can't wait to talk about this. First of all,
let me start by saying this and let me see
if you agree with me her for Paulina to have
fallen love, I'm gonna call him Mr Cars. Okay, what
(00:42):
we know now is this man had some real control issues.
He had some real stuff going all. Didn't he Oh yeah,
he was a whole narcissist. I believe, I just I mean,
did you did he even see her? Like? It just
didn't real great? I felt for her the whole episode,
the whole time, and they didn't touch on it during
in the show, and I was like, this is kind
(01:02):
of episode because the man. First of all, I want
to say, you're just lying, low down, dirty dog. You
knew you were married when you pursued this girl. She
was young and impressionable, she was in a whole new land,
and you took full advantage of her. Yes, it is
giving low down dirty shame because what is going on.
(01:24):
She already suffered enough. But you know what, we've also learned.
And I'm so grateful that the Table Red Table Talk
has been such a source of good information and being
able to evolve, because I have grown so much with
all the topics this season for myself. Every week I'm like,
is that a survival tactic? I'm using to be able
(01:46):
to identify when I hear it right off, I was like, oh, Paula, No,
you were being red crome every week. Right. We're aware,
we are aware, and we are moving intentionally, and we
know that her childhood trauma. Come on, let's go fast, nurturing, guidance, protection,
she didn't get that from her mother. She talked about
(02:08):
how she her family members just basically left her and
her brother defend for themselves, and how she said she
doesn't ever want to eat cheese bread. Now, see, poor thing,
that's what we literally, I can literally pull out the
Maslow hierarchy of needs every episode and I'm like, you're
missing this one, and you see it come out in
(02:28):
their regular life. Even there's so many things to pick through.
I don't even know if you want to pick off.
I know because of the way that her trauma, it
was a trauma bon and her husband ended up. I mean,
it was a perfect he fell into it. I feel
so aware. This episode was like, oh my gosh, I've
learned so much now because I know what's happening and
(02:49):
I can identify little pieces of myself and right to
know that there's some feeling of undervalue that she felt
that even when people said, oh, you're so beautiful and
let's you to become a model, she still didn't feel
good about my right. That's so hard. The book is
titled No Filter. I mean, I'm happy that she's at
a place where she can acknowledge that I'm not doing
(03:12):
the botox for y'all. I'm not doing this for y'all.
I'm doing this for me. Oh, let me say something here, Carl, Okay,
because I'm happy to call the elephant out and say
the King's pants are on firing alledge okay, so let
me go ahead and say what other people are probably
thinking and they're not saying. Okay. It was even more
brave to me for her to not have fillers, to
(03:35):
not do boatox because if you are one who ages
in a way that people go, oh my gosh, I
can't tell you're such a such age, right, it wouldn't
be that big of a deal. Paulina Periscopa is not
aging in the way that people can't look at her
and see that she's aging, right, But she is owning
it anyway, and I think that there's so much respect
(03:57):
that I have for her in that regard. I was
very happy to see that she was happy with herself. Yes,
because I'm pretty sure we all know the criticism can
come whether you want it to or not. So yeah again,
between the book cover, the book title, and then just
her appearance at Red Table, but she was so beautiful,
and I love for us to acknowledge how beautiful as
(04:18):
women we are amongst each other. But it's okay to
say I am older, I am maturing, I am season. Okay,
come on here, I'll try to use your words, I know,
come on. That's why I said I'll come on here
and use the words study come on here. But here's
one of the things I have to say that was
all so funny to me and y'all listening. Did y'all
(04:39):
pick this up? When she got ready to sit down,
she was like, oh, they say you're cut. This color
you dress you have on this beautiful. She was like, yes,
I want this intentional and I was like, okay, now
what is the blue dressing on it? That might be
her razzle dazzle. I've noticed as I get a little older,
and I know I'm not old older, I am mature.
Just that word is ain't it? Oh, I'm gonna stop
(05:00):
saying that anyway, I've noticed that I enjoy a little
sequin I need a little razzle dazzle. So yeah, a
little sparkle to remind me of the sparkle that the
Lord has given me. So come out here like color shine,
but that color helps her. Yeah. I just thought it
was funny because she's so, here's my blue, and I
was like, okay, she's oh the table is red, and
(05:22):
I was like, not bad where you are? Come on here,
now that's the niame of the show, says, I don't
her I was like, now you ask you need my
need to put one filter wrong? Just one we need
one filter. We all said it, Yeah, come on, that's
why we have this official fan rewatch podcast. Those were
(05:44):
the funny highlights, because there's some serious going on in
her life. Paulina, we want to just say you're a trooper,
and she had to push through because what she had
to go through was really difficult. Yeah, it was found
in the text for me after and had made a
whole old I mean it was the her bringing him coffee,
I mean still in the act of taking care of Still,
(06:06):
he had the nerve to say she had abandoned him.
I've gone on a whole date with my whole new
boyfriend in my career to my whole new life, and
I come back and have some cookies. I wanted to
do you want a cookie? Would you like a cookie?
And he's like, no, I wait till tomorrow. And then
the thing that made me mad is that Joker was
not planning on die and he was getting ready to
try to stick it to her. And see that's the
part where it was a kind of a karma moment
(06:28):
for me. I was like, see, there, you thought you
would be playing or you were digging a hole for her. Really,
you should have been digging one for yourself, sir. Part
that part it was, I don't sound very empathetic right there.
Don't not quite. It's just the whole idea of how
the whole relationship you just look at it. And I'm
sorry to your children, Paulina. I don't mean to speak
ill of their father, but I will say I'm a
(06:51):
bit disgusted and busted about the way that she was treated.
It was the I went to the show to support him, right,
and he didn't even me. Excuse me, Mike, I didn't
exist and I was there. And here's the thing. I
imagine it's even more difficult for her not to date
now because she's in her fifties, but because she did
(07:12):
not sound like she dated a whole lot of other
people period that part. Even when she told him at
the time, I'm gonna date new people and I'm gonna
she still has she was hokey poking it. She had
one of their house and staying and still did all
her wifey, I'm gonna take care of you because you're ill.
(07:35):
I hope hearing this and having her share not just
her story at the table, but in her book No Filter,
I hope that it empowers some women to understand that
you can have a full, thriving, beautiful, productive life and
it does not have to mean that every single thing
you do is wrapped up in another person. Yes, we're
(07:58):
gonna take a quick break, but when we get we'll
be joined by an incredible guest from our Red Table
Talk community. Charnita Best is on let's Red Table that
today because she can relate to pauling the story of marriage, divorce,
and navigating dating after making it through these painful experiences.
(08:19):
She is also my friends, so I'm excited to welcome
her to our virtual red table. Welcome Sharnita or seep
us the realtor Yes, welcome, welcome, thank you. We're so
excited for you to be here. Listen, we're gonna jump
right into it. This is the part of the show
(08:40):
where we revealed which moments made us pause, rewind and
listen again. Wait, what what right? Because what the world
is going on? This? Okay, So here we go. Let's
start out with the first Wait, what I just turned
sixty nine a couple of days. What a beautiful sixty nine?
Thank you so much? But that's the thing. It really
(09:01):
has made me rethink, like how much of this am
I gonna do? Like how much botox am I gonna get?
And when will I be comfortable enough to let that
all go? When Gammy shared that she gets botox, I
loved her transparency. I had no ideas that. Am I
the only one who didn't know that? Did you know?
(09:22):
I didn't. I didn't know that at all. Does she
look good? She looks very good. She looks amazing. She
really does, she really does. She looked she doesn't good.
But now I wasn't shocked. Okay, I'm saying I do
appreciate her transparency, but I was not shocked. When she
(09:43):
said she was not going to get botox in me,
or she was gonna try, she was gonna think about it.
I had no idea. I had no idea. I mean, Tracy,
do you have any anti or skin aging routine, A
secret anti aging? You know what? I wish I could
tell you, guys, I'm gonna not do x y Z
in the spirit of Paulina, I have nothing, Okay, I
(10:04):
have absolutely nothing but God's grace and good genes and
maybe a couple of extra cups of water. That's all
I got. What about you? So Tracy took one of mine.
I'm definitely gonna say plenty of water, more than two
cups for me. I need like gallons of water and
plenty of rest. Abnormal amounts of rest, not abnormal amount
(10:31):
Let's qualify abnormal. Charnedo hold on a second, like an hour,
No eight hours? So you know you should sleep regularly
eight hours, But then I'm talking about take another eight
hour nap, wreaking down two fours with the rest of life.
Car has a nap ministry, mintry. It's nothing wrong with it.
(10:58):
Y'all can't see Charnita, but she doesn't look absolutely amazing.
Her skin is beautiful, beautiful. It's the sleep. I'm here
for it. Team sleeps. My goodness come out here in
this other way with paul Lena. Paulina's sharing that modeling
still hurts herself confidence. The moments where I feel the
(11:18):
least secure about myself is when I am modeling. One
day of modeling will setting me back like confidence wise,
like totally can totally get that. This is heartbreaking. I
continue something that hurts you. Would you guys, keep doing
something even though you were good at it. Bless her heart.
Here's the thing. It's easy to say that you you
(11:41):
want to be able to knee jerk and say yes,
it hurts me and it sets me back and my
self confidence is damaged as a result of doing something
that's profession. But she started so young, and then by
the time she connected with her husband, she fell head
over heels with him. That the huge essay, a lot
of contract came in, and then after that she was
really kind of settled. So what would she have done
(12:04):
at that time? Right? If there's some true transitional things
that models have now, but when she was modeling in
the eighties, it would have been really difficult for her
to transition from modeling to having a YouTube account on
makeup or whatever because it didn't exist. So I can
see why she didn't stop. I could see why. I'm
hoping this book will maybe give her some new avenues
(12:26):
where she can realize she can go find her new
older modeling tribe. Maybe she's not alone. Wait a minute,
did you say the new older model? Can we define
the age with new older miss forty year old column?
I'm just saying clearly on the tongue, Okay, she ain't youngest.
(12:52):
I don't know what. How do we say she said
to her, it's hurting her confidence? Seasoned always sound like
a turkey areas. So do you think she had even
with the hurt, right, what did she have as an alternative?
(13:15):
She had nothing much? Right? I mean, hopefully she has
found something else and her old modeling tribe. Yeah, I
was you saying, maybe like a modeling school or I
don't know, develop the next generation that was interested in it.
Maybe that's interesting, that's a concept. Well, one thing she's
definitely doing is keeping us safe by sharing these stories.
(13:38):
Do you have any recurring situations or practices that are
hurting your image of yourself that you should probably get
yourself out of or stop? I do not, because I've
removed myself. Okay, so tell me what your I don't
have anything currently that I'm dealing with or going to
or involved in that hurts my perspective of self. Note
(14:02):
at this moment was because I go I'm celebrated some places.
I was just going cut the check with successful regardless. Okay.
So see that's powerful. So there's some evolution. I think
that she didn't get the chance to do that. Paulina
didn't get a chance to have that evolution that you
can identify that at some point you were like, Okay,
I'll take this gig or do this whatever if the
check was right. But now you're like, no, I want
(14:23):
to go where I'm celebrated, which I think is so powerful.
I mean, I hate to sound like I'm piggybacking off
of Cara, but I think at my age and stage
and maturity and where I am in life, I'm with her.
I'm trying to be in a room full of people
where everybody is applausing and teen knee and we supported uplifting.
So I want to be where I'm celebrated to so interestingly,
(14:45):
I'm gonna take a quick spin. There was a time
for me and it was about being in a recurring situation,
and sadly, the recurring situation for me was church. That
years ago, I was attending a church. I was faithful
and dedicated, I was loyal and committed, but was getting
church hurt every week, and so I didn't feel like
I belonged. There was always some condemnation, and so I
(15:07):
had to make a decision, like the two of you,
to say as much as I could be fed on
a positive level in terms of being spiritually recharged and
being able to grow. It's being hindered because I literally
feel stagnated in my own personal attack, and so I
couldn't reconcile the conflict of the two. So I appreciate
(15:27):
the evolution of saying you have to take a step back,
and sometimes it's hard, like in Paulina's case, she knew
that that was her mainstay, and she really probably didn't
feel like she had a choice. Paulina also shared a
story this is the other way would now this? Wait?
It was a wait? Wait what? Paulina's story of a
photographer exposing himself to her when she was just fifteen
(15:48):
was truly heartbreaking and disturbing. I was so glad to
hear that Jada chose to never leave Willow alone when
Willow was an ambassador for Chanel. I remember Carl Lagerfeld
telling me with you. He was like, I love that
you don't leave her alone on the set, and he
said never, Jada, never leave her alone on the set,
(16:09):
and he didn't go into detail. Here's the thing, Carl
lagger Fail, someone who's a fashion industry icon, knew that
will should not be alone on set, which means that
he was aware of the dangers in his own industry.
Come on, somebody, but come on, here's the thing. Was
he ever doing anything other than telling Jada ya, good
for you, mom, that you didn't leave your child alone
(16:30):
to address the dangers it's coming with those secret people meetings.
It's always a little something, people going around the corner
to say, let me just put you on game real quick.
Maybe that's something Paulina could do is continue to share
these stories and let these young models know this could happen,
that could happen. Protect yourself in these ways. So Karl
Lagerfeld telling Jada is good for you, protect your daughter? Like,
(16:52):
what about all these other fifteen year old who don't
have their mother with them? Did you tell them to
come back and pick up the children at the bus stop?
That's what I'm disturbed about. What is the industry doing overall?
Because you think about it, that wasn't that long ago, right,
This was some current relevant stuff. Carlia fel died in
t nineteen, so you're talking about literally just a couple
(17:15):
of links ago. I don't know. I just think in
the industry sometimes it's like not kissing and telling I'm
not saying I support that or believe in it, or
I think it's right. I just think the culture of
that whole industry has probably done and seen a lot
of things that they continuously sweep under the carpet, and
(17:36):
I'm sure to speak up, it's probably a very difficult thing. Again,
I'm not saying I agree with it, but I'm sure
then you become an outcast or you get some kind
of penalty as far as now your profession, and they
probably have them almost held hostage if you do it
for a laugh of better terms, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, Yeah,
(17:57):
that's the hard part because I mean, I guess that
us to be your lane, right, Like I want to
be a change maker out here, and we arranged narratives
to help people pivot and do things differently, but everybody's
not in there, like what I need to do to
just kind of maintain go along, to get along that part.
That part, So I get that if you're Willow in
this case, But Carl laguer Dangon failed industry leader. Huh,
(18:23):
someone who knows better was one of the founders in
building in the fasteron industry, and I'm just frustrated that
you have the wherewithal, and then you can select the
person to say good for you that you're not leaving
Willow alone, which lets me know that you know I
shouldn't and did it for Jada that she didn't. However, Comma,
(18:44):
what about the other children who were there there weren't
in a position to have their parents or guardian with them,
Then they were just exposed and potentially violated while you
wait on the wings for them to show up and
walk down the aisle or whatever they're doing. I don't know,
I just feel some kind of way about that. You know,
it's a hurtful situation. We want to be to save everybody, right, man,
(19:05):
this is not about Carl Lack. I feel rest in peace.
But you were wrong for no one and not saying anything.
And then here's the thing, I'm so positive intent for him.
Perhaps he did know and he was trying to be
a change agent and he could just only do what
he could do, which was to forewarn people. Right So,
if you're sitting in the mt of bad things that
are happening, should you feel some responsibility for trying to
fix it? Are you just gonna say I'm gonna tell
(19:27):
you on the side or Carl, what we say you
have a good side. Bar black people conversation, see a
little private black people meeting, white people meeting. We'll have
people meeting coming. Baby. Let me tell you something. Listen,
Listen for me personally, I'm not trying to fix a
thing anymore. Back in my day, I was trying to
save everybody and everything. But I believe it was the
(19:48):
great three six Manfia that said, don't say here mephis
you don't want to be saved. That's what I heard.
She don't want to be saved. Okay, hold on, First
of all, thank you for rapping three six Mafia N one.
I'm all about nine a woman because we got some
fantastic I'm out here. However, let me say this, Cara,
(20:10):
what this is? Truly? Wait what You're not trying to
fix anything, not the person who was leading protests in
the Great City of Yes. If they want to be saved,
they're gonna do everything I can let them know and
empower them, to let them know that they can move
with just and pivot. But but all the little Paulina's
(20:33):
of the world, I hope that there are some people
who are advocates for you. And see, there's absolutely nothing
to stop the industry from putting safety nets and safeguards
in place for those young women and men who are
in the industry to ensure that they're protected. Because just
because something was done a certain way and it's always
been that way, doesn't mean it has to always be
(20:55):
that way. I think that the industry just needs to
do better. So that's my soapbox moment. All right, we're
all pretty familiar with what Pauline the experienced in her
relationship and eventual split. But Sharnita, what was your experience
separating from your husband of ten years? It was something
(21:19):
else so man like. I could talk for days about
this kind of stuff. It was an emotional roller coaster. Honestly,
no one ever gets married, I'm gonna say most people
probably don't get married with the notion of getting divorced. Right.
We all are in it to win it. That's in
the beginning. So you have the tug of war of
(21:40):
I'm not happy? Is it supposed to be this way?
You don't know who to talk to. Everybody else is
acting like their marriage is perfect, no issues, no problems.
It's just me. Life can't be this way. What am
I doing wrong. You go through all of these emotions
and then you finally get to the end where you're
just like, I cannot do this anymore for the sake
of both of us, my sanity, your sanity. You won't
(22:04):
hurt me, I won't hurt you physically like it. Yeah,
And so it was definitely a journey, and it was
very hard. It was extremely hard to put an end
on it because you do feel like, unfortunately me personally,
like I was a failure. And we look at marriage
here in our culture as a big deal, right, It's
(22:25):
almost a rite of passage. This is what you're supposed
to do. So to have my fall apart, I wasn't
emotional wreck for a while. But look at me now, thriving, thriving.
That's why I'm like, when you look at yourself, when
you get back to where you were and where you are.
What was the hardest part? Was it the getting over
(22:46):
the assumptions of what people would think, because clearly you're
thriving now. So was it an imaginary burden you had
to push past or just the narrative changeing that you
didn't expect. I think it was the unknown. So you
know you're in a marriage for ten years, you haven't
been dating for ten years. You have grown with someone
(23:09):
for ten years. Y'all share a lot of things over
the ten years, and then to kind of press stop
and almost basically start all over again, like those things
I had to rebuild, financially rebuild. I didn't know what
dating was like anymore because I thought I was officially
off the market, and so it's like having to readjust
(23:30):
to all of that was a lot. It was a lot.
It was like a culture shock almost because in ten
years you're thinking, I'm sure, like we're locked and loaded,
like you've gotten pasked, the first couple of honeymoon phase,
the seven year itch, You've by passed all of that
to get to the point where you said, okay, we
need to dissolve this. That's a lot, and I can
imagine why you would feel like there was some failure
(23:52):
in that, because society, like you said, in our culture,
it absolutely does not lend itself towards being generous or
even gracious to people, especially women who are single. Paulina
said at fifty seven, the dating pool is so small
that it's hard for her to find a man who
hasn't dated one her friends. But now on fifty seven
(24:16):
and I'm in the dating pool. What is that? Like?
A small pool? Dirty little puddle, dirty little girls, ladies.
It sucks. It turns out that on the dating apps,
men our age my age that are willing to sleep
(24:38):
with women our age have slept with all my girlfriends already.
Now that's sad. Is this true for you? And have
you had to have somebody that's dipped in the same
pool as one of your friends? You know what, I'm
gonna say, no, So I'm going to try to hold
(25:01):
I'm making the assumption her pool was small because she
stayed within the industry, even though that's a big industry, right.
So for me, like I tried to have a variety
of options, there's the connection between the sororities and the fraternities,
the maybe people from college or people that I have
met through professional spaces. So you have to like expand
(25:24):
your network. You can't stay in that same village of
people otherwise I'm sure that is bound to happen. Like
for her, absolutely, Yeah, I'm just grateful because the whole
woman in the same pool thing kind of made me
want to know I was taking me to bodily fluid, fluid,
(25:45):
bodily fluid. Wait a minute, it made me think of
not so much friends are dating someone your friends have dated,
but maybe attempting to date someone who knew you as married,
that experienced that. That's interesting, you know what. Honestly, I
(26:06):
think that kind of makes you more of a hot
commodity in a weird kind of way. Right, So it's
almost like you've been taken off, like you've been put
on the show for teen years. You was just like
off the market for teen years, and they know you
can't commit, right, so they know that that's it, says
other things. That's such a good point. How has aging
(26:32):
changed the way you see yourself and the way you date?
Now that you're out here in this market, you feeling okay?
So the aging part it was tough. Even though I
laugh and joke about being put on the shelf for
a little while, the age process is happening, right, and
so you become a little self conscious. One gray hair
(26:53):
turns into fifteen gray hairs and the renco start to
come in, and so I understand the reason that you
want botox. But with the cool thing is so if
I try to date within no, no, more than five
years older than me and no less than five years
younger than me. And at this age they're green too.
(27:13):
They have wrinkles also, so the conversation becomes different. And
I had to almost train my mind, like we're going
through the same things. It's just in your mind the
ten years have passed and you're like, oh no, this
is sagging now. They have things that's sad too, Okay,
So it's just more transparent conversations. Like the guy that
(27:36):
I am dating, we joke about the fact that he's
slow now, or he might repeat himself three or four times,
or as all of this gray hair popping in. I
mean you just you live in that moment. Life will
create an equal sag opportunity. Yes, yes, well hilarious. And
(27:59):
even though you're not the spotlight. Have you ever felt
any pressure to defy age by getting botox or any feelers?
I did, but I don't think it was from like
the community or the public. It was just me in
my own head. I never seriously researched or made an
appointment to proceed with any of that. But I would
say I am a fan of aging gracefully. And when
(28:21):
I say gracefully, I just mean taking care of your
new exterior shell. Right. I try to do things to
maintain myself, like I might get chemical pills or facials,
massages and things like that. But I don't know what
botox is categorized as. But I'm not interested in that
at all. And I think it's good that you're saying
(28:44):
you do things to maintain your well being and wellness.
And I want to encourage the p y t s
and the tender ronis in conference age group go ahead
now and start doing some of the things trying need
to just mentioned so that when you get to the
fifty club that you will be able to have a
maintenance playing and not trying to be in correction mode.
That will help you. That will help you to self
(29:05):
get a chemical pill and you know these things. We
got some people out here in the fifties and sixties
rocking and giving these folks in the thirties a run
for their money. Yes, and Gammy is one of them.
Are not Gammy, Gammy is smoking hot shell me. We
love us some games. Listen, I heard you say you
(29:26):
are dating, so let's talk about it. I mean, have
you tried to do dating on some of these apps
or what has your experience been like, you're just going
out here getting confid love. But she said the apps
were not for me. I tried it. I tried the
apps and it just wasn't my space. I think they
(29:46):
were looking for different things and I wasn't definitely like
sex absolutely and everything was done. You can only imagine
the idea of technology makes everything faster. Right in my head,
it is a ten year gap. So you log onto
the system or the platform and everybody's like, hey, can
(30:07):
I call you? Hey? Can I see you? Hey? When
can I take you out? And I felt like the
old lady. I'm like, can we slow down? Can we
exchange a few more messages? What's your name? What is
your real name? Let like, is this really you? Yeah?
So I would say I met about two or three
(30:31):
decent guys, but nothing ever progressed to be on that
for me. Youth apps and oh a couple of people,
but not really because they were moving too fast. You
want them to slow down, moving way too fast. So
for me personally, I have had better luck in dating
or just by mutual friends, like knowing someone who might
(30:51):
know someone that's single. They know me, they know that
person and just think it would be like a good
introduction and they walk away out point. But I've been
more successful with that style of dating, which is much
more traditional in the sense it's someone that you feel
a little more comfortable with because it's someone that you know,
someone you know. Yes, I don't have time to continue
(31:14):
to cross check you on the sea. We got cat
fishers out here. We got all kind of stuff going on, yes, stammers,
you know, go back and listen to some Let's Red
Table and episodes we see the date online can be problematic.
How has been divorced altered the way you approach new
romantic relationships? Do you have some non negotiables for your
(31:37):
partners of those changed? Yes, so it's kind of weird
because they're non negotiables, but they should have never been
negotiable anyway. But but the conversations are just at a
different level now. It's more about teammate, right, So I
(32:00):
am interested in someone who can take care of me
and I can take care of him in every aspect.
It's the finance, the romance, the family life, the core values,
all of those things. And this time around, I'm talking
dinner over conversations about do you have a retirement plan
where do you see yourself in the next five to
(32:22):
ten years, you know what I mean, like more mature? Yes?
Do you have a savings account, right, life insurance and
all of that? Doctor? Yeah? Yes. But was strange yet
because before dating, like younger dating, no one was talking
(32:44):
about those kind of things, like like it never existed.
I mean, I've even talked about credit and maybe where
either of us have taken wrong turns. But what are
you doing now to fix it? And what did you
learn from it? It's all about what did you learn
from those bad experiences? And those conversations are very mature conversations,
(33:06):
like you're n overall because someone may learning anything for him,
they are not. Oh yeah, Asian wisdom don't go together.
That's not an automatic partnership. You can have communication and comprehension, right.
Comprehension and communication are two things too that do not
necessarily it could be one of these things that not
belong because you can have some people that are old
(33:28):
and foolish, yes, and some people who are young and
very wise. So I appreciate having the conversations. And there's
so many things that in your twenties and thirties that
you take for granted. Because you don't factor in that
you're living in real life and you need to be
prepared for things that are gonna come in your future,
and how are you playing it for them exactly exactly?
You're putting to senior lives together too, seasons Cora veteran
(33:52):
lives together. You really need to be able to figure
out what you're gonna do with some assets and some
other stuff, especially to russ around to get married. Listen's right,
I'm already thinking about it, y'all, because I mean, listen,
my mama, I'm just I want another emergency contact. I
want someone else I can put on the line, because
my mama's emergency contact. This ain't it's flipping at this
(34:12):
point in time. That's right, That's right. It's time to
start thinking about some stuff. That's good if people say
with age comes wisdom. So now, Churnita, what are some
of the wisdoms you wish you could tell your younger self,
whether about dating or just life in general, because you know,
being this age gives you some some opportunities to have
some fantastic hinding site. Right, Yeah, one thing for sure
(34:35):
would be to take my time. I feel like my
younger self was like the technology platform, Like you move
too fast. Right, it looks like a dog, waddles like
a dog, quack like a dog. It's a duck. But
I'm trying to tell myself, no, it's a che wah wah.
I can make it a chi wahwa, Like I can
figure that out. So take your time, because the representative
(34:58):
cannot hang around for so long. Right, So if you
slow down, look for consistency, which is what I would
tell my younger self, and follow your intuition, Like I
know the intuition is not developed, but so much at
a certain point in life. But my gut early on,
right before I got married, and even in the beginning
(35:20):
of marriage, I questioned. I was like, girl, what are
you doing and what did you just do? But I
tried to figure it out. I tried to figure it out.
I was like, this has to be normal. What I'm
feeling is not weird. And I'm learning later in life
that my intuition, if I have questions about it or
I'm not sure, I need to do more either more research,
(35:43):
ask more questions, have those hard conversations that you feel
weird about initiating, but sometimes that's where you get more information.
To help you feel better about either not doing something
or doing something, So follow your I want to ask
one more question. What I do want to know is
because like it probably took a while for you to
(36:05):
take the leap and decide this is it, and then
you got your partner to say, Okay, I'm feeling what
you're saying, let's go ahead and split. What have you?
What knew did you learn about yourself on the other
side that you didn't even see coming, whether it was
creativity or did you have any dream or anything that
(36:25):
you were maybe hindering in your previous married state that
you can now act on or decided to go for.
If that makes sense. Yep, yeah, it's kind of two things.
So as far as take some leaps, I have always
wanted to pursue real estate full time. I've had my
license now for about twenty years, and things could never
(36:45):
align on the marriage side, Like our lifestyle didn't live
off of one income, so we both had to always
have consistent income coming in or if I was trying
to support his vision and his goal, so any and
extra went to his dream and not my own dream.
So to be able to finally fulfill some of my
(37:07):
own personal goals and accomplishments on this side is a
great thing. But the other thing Colrad has nothing necessarily
to do with like professional space, but it does kind
of have something to do with about me, would be
the those uncomfortable conversations. Girl can't take you far. To
build up enough tenacity to tell my mate that I
(37:27):
was no longer in love with him took the act
of congress because I am such a hard, loving, genuine person,
and even when it wasn't right, I still was more
concerned about hurting him. I was like, I don't want
to hurt him, so I was still sacrificing my unhappiness
(37:49):
in that space. Yeah, and I'm learning that as difficult
as some conversations have to be, it's something better on
the their side once you move beyond it and you
can't see it and you can't feel it. But I'm
so proud of myself for pushing myself through that that
(38:10):
I don't know. It's just I don't even have a
word to explain what that feeling is when you have
to say that to someone and then you have to
find enough tenacity to move beyond that place. I learned
a lot about myself, like I'm way stry. I thought
I was strong, but I was way stronger than I
ever thought that I could be. And I'm just I'm
(38:31):
proud in a weird kind of way to say that,
because you don't know what a hard conversation would unlock it.
I would never thought I would be this happy ever again,
but I am so. I am proud of you. How
long did it take for you to be able to
say those words? To speak about along? I would say,
(38:51):
And if I'm to be transparent, I would say, a
year four into the marriage, I was falling out of love. Yep, yep.
I just kept trying and I kept trying, and it's
gonna get and you feel like this is what you're
supposed to You're supposed to tough it out because one
(39:14):
of us supposed to die before it's over, and I'm like,
you gotta keep pushing you. It's gonna get better. Then years,
just year after year after year, and I became unhappy
and depressed and everything else, and I was like, nah,
this is not it, this is not it, and just
losing yourself in it and losing yourself in it. Yeah,
(39:34):
fixed years and probably pouring from an empty cup. Bless
your heart because like you were still pouring, and I
think that's the thing that maybe we're gonna set some
people free during this episode. It's okay for things to
start going another way, for you to still try like,
I don't want somebody out there to be like no,
maybe it's my sign to leave, maybe it's your sign
and maybe trying something else communicate first. I'm sure you
(39:54):
trying all the things in advance, but it's done. I
think that's okay to say. And I think what she
said to follow your gut. Follow your gut. Your gut
is always going to be a guy. It's a fantastic
beacon for you. So in the spirit of giving wisdom
and sharing some of the jewels and gems that you've
learned along your way. One of the two of us
(40:17):
is single on here, and one of the hosts of
this fantastic podcast is single. It's not me, Tarnita. What
would you say to our young, fantastic successful host in
terms of dating, what would you tell her and along
with all the other listeners, what do you need to
have as a little wisdom that they can put in
their pocket. I'm still gonna take your time, Do not
(40:39):
sacrifice if you have a list of your desires, it
is very important that you stick to the list of
your desires because ultimately, your happiness is key. That's it,
that's it. Got it your happiness. You got a car, alright,
your you got it in your pocket, al right. It
was at the top of the anyway, because after twenty
(41:02):
years of my man gonna come, my son's twenty y'all,
sometimes you have to say to yourself, maybe he ain't SI,
get on out there and go to the party, take
the trip. It's just there's more than that romantic relationship.
I don't know my word fairy tale. It's okay to
not have the princess whatever they think we're supposed to have.
That's part of the challenge that we have with marriages anyway,
(41:25):
because you think that it's supposed to be this fairy
tale and it's just not. So you get into it.
And in Charnita, six years after she realized, Okay, this
is not this, this is real life, this is not
what I wanted, she still waited to say, I don't
want to disappoint my family. I don't want to disappoint
his family. I don't want to look praise to my friends.
I don't want to feel like a failure when all
(41:46):
the while you're literally putting yourself further and further back
with every Yes to them is a note to you.
We have to look at all of our relationships and
enjoy all of them, not just the romantic ones, y'all.
So that well, k E Morton. Shout out to you again,
Katie Morton. That hug and roll when you create those
boundaries and tell people that's the hug and then you
(42:08):
have to roll out. I am so proud of you that,
even though it took you longer than you may have
wanted your here, and that you're thriving and doing so
amazing well, So bravo to you. Churn Yes is the
best best I know it we could literally talk for.
I mean, I'm glad you shared it here with us
(42:31):
today at our virtual weird table, So thank you so
much for being thank you for allowing me to share it.
I appreciate it. We want to know how you're feeling
about this new season of Red Table Talk, and we
are open to talk about anything with you all, so
please send in your questions at let's red table that
at red table talk dot com, or you can leave
(42:53):
us a voicemail at speedpipe dot com slash Let's Red
Table that Yes, we want to hear voices, don't we Yes.
Thank you so much for listening, and make sure you
subscribe on our radio app, and please rate this podcast
on Apple Podcast. We'll be back next week for another
episode of Let's Red Table. That special thanks to executive
(43:15):
producers Jada Pinkett, Smith, Valon Jethro and Ellen Racketon. Thank
you to our producer Kyleague and Ahru and our associate
producer Yolanda Chow. And finally, thanks to our sound engineer
Stephanie Aguilary. Let's retabble that Hey, Let's table Let's Hey,
(43:38):
maybe you should really do an album? I know, I know,
Talk about bottling. That would have been a hype mare.
Hey y'all, Hey, what's up, and welcome to let's red
table Back. I'm Tracy t Row and I'm Kral Pressley.
How are you feeling to day? Tracy? I am feeling
every day amazing and I want you to know I
know you are feeling successful. And we get a chance
(00:22):
to talk about this episode. This Paulina Periscova episode was
insanely chopped fool of goodness. I was watching it like, Okay,
I can't wait, I can't wait to talk about this.
I can't wait to talk about this. First of all,
let me start by saying this and let me see
if you agree with me her for Paulina to have
fallen love, I'm gonna call him Mr Cars. Okay, what
(00:42):
we know now is this man had some real control issues.
He had some real stuff going all. Didn't he Oh yeah,
he was a whole narcissist. I believe, I just I mean,
did you did he even see her? Like? It just
didn't real great? I felt for her the whole episode,
the whole time, and they didn't touch on it during
in the show, and I was like, this is kind
(01:02):
of episode because the man. First of all, I want
to say, you're just lying, low down, dirty dog. You
knew you were married when you pursued this girl. She
was young and impressionable, she was in a whole new land,
and you took full advantage of her. Yes, it is
giving low down dirty shame because what is going on.
(01:24):
She already suffered enough. But you know what, we've also learned.
And I'm so grateful that the Table Red Table Talk
has been such a source of good information and being
able to evolve, because I have grown so much with
all the topics this season for myself. Every week I'm like,
is that a survival tactic? I'm using to be able
(01:46):
to identify when I hear it right off, I was like, oh, Paula, No,
you were being red crome every week. Right. We're aware,
we are aware, and we are moving intentionally, and we
know that her childhood trauma. Come on, let's go fast, nurturing, guidance, protection,
she didn't get that from her mother. She talked about
(02:08):
how she her family members just basically left her and
her brother defend for themselves, and how she said she
doesn't ever want to eat cheese bread. Now, see, poor thing,
that's what we literally, I can literally pull out the
Maslow hierarchy of needs every episode and I'm like, you're
missing this one, and you see it come out in
(02:28):
their regular life. Even there's so many things to pick through.
I don't even know if you want to pick off.
I know because of the way that her trauma, it
was a trauma bon and her husband ended up. I mean,
it was a perfect he fell into it. I feel
so aware. This episode was like, oh my gosh, I've
learned so much now because I know what's happening and
(02:49):
I can identify little pieces of myself and right to
know that there's some feeling of undervalue that she felt
that even when people said, oh, you're so beautiful and
let's you to become a model, she still didn't feel
good about my right. That's so hard. The book is
titled No Filter. I mean, I'm happy that she's at
a place where she can acknowledge that I'm not doing
(03:12):
the botox for y'all. I'm not doing this for y'all.
I'm doing this for me. Oh, let me say something here, Carl, Okay,
because I'm happy to call the elephant out and say
the King's pants are on firing alledge okay, so let
me go ahead and say what other people are probably
thinking and they're not saying. Okay. It was even more
brave to me for her to not have fillers, to
(03:35):
not do boatox because if you are one who ages
in a way that people go, oh my gosh, I
can't tell you're such a such age, right, it wouldn't
be that big of a deal. Paulina Periscopa is not
aging in the way that people can't look at her
and see that she's aging, right, But she is owning
it anyway, and I think that there's so much respect
(03:57):
that I have for her in that regard. I was
very happy to see that she was happy with herself. Yes,
because I'm pretty sure we all know the criticism can
come whether you want it to or not. So yeah again,
between the book cover, the book title, and then just
her appearance at Red Table, but she was so beautiful,
and I love for us to acknowledge how beautiful as
(04:18):
women we are amongst each other. But it's okay to
say I am older, I am maturing, I am season. Okay,
come on here, I'll try to use your words, I know,
come on. That's why I said I'll come on here
and use the words study come on here. But here's
one of the things I have to say that was
all so funny to me and y'all listening. Did y'all
(04:39):
pick this up? When she got ready to sit down,
she was like, oh, they say you're cut. This color
you dress you have on this beautiful. She was like, yes,
I want this intentional and I was like, okay, now
what is the blue dressing on it? That might be
her razzle dazzle. I've noticed as I get a little older,
and I know I'm not old older, I am mature.
Just that word is ain't it? Oh, I'm gonna stop
(05:00):
saying that anyway, I've noticed that I enjoy a little
sequin I need a little razzle dazzle. So yeah, a
little sparkle to remind me of the sparkle that the
Lord has given me. So come out here like color shine,
but that color helps her. Yeah. I just thought it
was funny because she's so, here's my blue, and I
was like, okay, she's oh the table is red, and
(05:22):
I was like, not bad where you are? Come on here,
now that's the niame of the show, says, I don't
her I was like, now you ask you need my
need to put one filter wrong? Just one we need
one filter. We all said it, Yeah, come on, that's
why we have this official fan rewatch podcast. Those were
(05:44):
the funny highlights, because there's some serious going on in
her life. Paulina, we want to just say you're a trooper,
and she had to push through because what she had
to go through was really difficult. Yeah, it was found
in the text for me after and had made a
whole old I mean it was the her bringing him coffee,
I mean still in the act of taking care of Still,
(06:06):
he had the nerve to say she had abandoned him.
I've gone on a whole date with my whole new
boyfriend in my career to my whole new life, and
I come back and have some cookies. I wanted to
do you want a cookie? Would you like a cookie?
And he's like, no, I wait till tomorrow. And then
the thing that made me mad is that Joker was
not planning on die and he was getting ready to
try to stick it to her. And see that's the
part where it was a kind of a karma moment
(06:28):
for me. I was like, see, there, you thought you
would be playing or you were digging a hole for her. Really,
you should have been digging one for yourself, sir. Part
that part it was, I don't sound very empathetic right there.
Don't not quite. It's just the whole idea of how
the whole relationship you just look at it. And I'm
sorry to your children, Paulina. I don't mean to speak
ill of their father, but I will say I'm a
(06:51):
bit disgusted and busted about the way that she was treated.
It was the I went to the show to support him, right,
and he didn't even me. Excuse me, Mike, I didn't
exist and I was there. And here's the thing. I
imagine it's even more difficult for her not to date
now because she's in her fifties, but because she did
(07:12):
not sound like she dated a whole lot of other
people period that part. Even when she told him at
the time, I'm gonna date new people and I'm gonna
she still has she was hokey poking it. She had
one of their house and staying and still did all
her wifey, I'm gonna take care of you because you're ill.
(07:35):
I hope hearing this and having her share not just
her story at the table, but in her book No Filter,
I hope that it empowers some women to understand that
you can have a full, thriving, beautiful, productive life and
it does not have to mean that every single thing
you do is wrapped up in another person. Yes, we're
(07:58):
gonna take a quick break, but when we get we'll
be joined by an incredible guest from our Red Table
Talk community. Charnita Best is on let's Red Table that
today because she can relate to pauling the story of marriage, divorce,
and navigating dating after making it through these painful experiences.
(08:19):
She is also my friends, so I'm excited to welcome
her to our virtual red table. Welcome Sharnita or seep
us the realtor Yes, welcome, welcome, thank you. We're so
excited for you to be here. Listen, we're gonna jump
right into it. This is the part of the show
(08:40):
where we revealed which moments made us pause, rewind and
listen again. Wait, what what right? Because what the world
is going on? This? Okay, So here we go. Let's
start out with the first Wait, what I just turned
sixty nine a couple of days. What a beautiful sixty nine?
Thank you so much? But that's the thing. It really
(09:01):
has made me rethink, like how much of this am
I gonna do? Like how much botox am I gonna get?
And when will I be comfortable enough to let that
all go? When Gammy shared that she gets botox, I
loved her transparency. I had no ideas that. Am I
the only one who didn't know that? Did you know?
(09:22):
I didn't. I didn't know that at all. Does she
look good? She looks very good. She looks amazing. She
really does, she really does. She looked she doesn't good.
But now I wasn't shocked. Okay, I'm saying I do
appreciate her transparency, but I was not shocked. When she
(09:43):
said she was not going to get botox in me,
or she was gonna try, she was gonna think about it.
I had no idea. I had no idea. I mean, Tracy,
do you have any anti or skin aging routine, A
secret anti aging? You know what? I wish I could
tell you, guys, I'm gonna not do x y Z
in the spirit of Paulina, I have nothing, Okay, I
(10:04):
have absolutely nothing but God's grace and good genes and
maybe a couple of extra cups of water. That's all
I got. What about you? So Tracy took one of mine.
I'm definitely gonna say plenty of water, more than two
cups for me. I need like gallons of water and
plenty of rest. Abnormal amounts of rest, not abnormal amount
(10:31):
Let's qualify abnormal. Charnedo hold on a second, like an hour,
No eight hours? So you know you should sleep regularly
eight hours, But then I'm talking about take another eight
hour nap, wreaking down two fours with the rest of life.
Car has a nap ministry, mintry. It's nothing wrong with it.
(10:58):
Y'all can't see Charnita, but she doesn't look absolutely amazing.
Her skin is beautiful, beautiful. It's the sleep. I'm here
for it. Team sleeps. My goodness come out here in
this other way with paul Lena. Paulina's sharing that modeling
still hurts herself confidence. The moments where I feel the
(11:18):
least secure about myself is when I am modeling. One
day of modeling will setting me back like confidence wise,
like totally can totally get that. This is heartbreaking. I
continue something that hurts you. Would you guys, keep doing
something even though you were good at it. Bless her heart.
Here's the thing. It's easy to say that you you
(11:41):
want to be able to knee jerk and say yes,
it hurts me and it sets me back and my
self confidence is damaged as a result of doing something
that's profession. But she started so young, and then by
the time she connected with her husband, she fell head
over heels with him. That the huge essay, a lot
of contract came in, and then after that she was
really kind of settled. So what would she have done
(12:04):
at that time? Right? If there's some true transitional things
that models have now, but when she was modeling in
the eighties, it would have been really difficult for her
to transition from modeling to having a YouTube account on
makeup or whatever because it didn't exist. So I can
see why she didn't stop. I could see why. I'm
hoping this book will maybe give her some new avenues
(12:26):
where she can realize she can go find her new
older modeling tribe. Maybe she's not alone. Wait a minute,
did you say the new older model? Can we define
the age with new older miss forty year old column?
I'm just saying clearly on the tongue, Okay, she ain't youngest.
(12:52):
I don't know what. How do we say she said
to her, it's hurting her confidence? Seasoned always sound like
a turkey areas. So do you think she had even
with the hurt, right, what did she have as an alternative?
(13:15):
She had nothing much? Right? I mean, hopefully she has
found something else and her old modeling tribe. Yeah, I
was you saying, maybe like a modeling school or I
don't know, develop the next generation that was interested in it.
Maybe that's interesting, that's a concept. Well, one thing she's
definitely doing is keeping us safe by sharing these stories.
(13:38):
Do you have any recurring situations or practices that are
hurting your image of yourself that you should probably get
yourself out of or stop? I do not, because I've
removed myself. Okay, so tell me what your I don't
have anything currently that I'm dealing with or going to
or involved in that hurts my perspective of self. Note
(14:02):
at this moment was because I go I'm celebrated some places.
I was just going cut the check with successful regardless. Okay.
So see that's powerful. So there's some evolution. I think
that she didn't get the chance to do that. Paulina
didn't get a chance to have that evolution that you
can identify that at some point you were like, Okay,
I'll take this gig or do this whatever if the
check was right. But now you're like, no, I want
(14:23):
to go where I'm celebrated, which I think is so powerful.
I mean, I hate to sound like I'm piggybacking off
of Cara, but I think at my age and stage
and maturity and where I am in life, I'm with her.
I'm trying to be in a room full of people
where everybody is applausing and teen knee and we supported uplifting.
So I want to be where I'm celebrated to so interestingly,
(14:45):
I'm gonna take a quick spin. There was a time
for me and it was about being in a recurring situation,
and sadly, the recurring situation for me was church. That
years ago, I was attending a church. I was faithful
and dedicated, I was loyal and committed, but was getting
church hurt every week, and so I didn't feel like
I belonged. There was always some condemnation, and so I
(15:07):
had to make a decision, like the two of you,
to say as much as I could be fed on
a positive level in terms of being spiritually recharged and
being able to grow. It's being hindered because I literally
feel stagnated in my own personal attack, and so I
couldn't reconcile the conflict of the two. So I appreciate
(15:27):
the evolution of saying you have to take a step back,
and sometimes it's hard, like in Paulina's case, she knew
that that was her mainstay, and she really probably didn't
feel like she had a choice. Paulina also shared a
story this is the other way would now this? Wait?
It was a wait? Wait what? Paulina's story of a
photographer exposing himself to her when she was just fifteen
(15:48):
was truly heartbreaking and disturbing. I was so glad to
hear that Jada chose to never leave Willow alone when
Willow was an ambassador for Chanel. I remember Carl Lagerfeld
telling me with you. He was like, I love that
you don't leave her alone on the set, and he
said never, Jada, never leave her alone on the set,
(16:09):
and he didn't go into detail. Here's the thing, Carl
lagger Fail, someone who's a fashion industry icon, knew that
will should not be alone on set, which means that
he was aware of the dangers in his own industry.
Come on, somebody, but come on, here's the thing. Was
he ever doing anything other than telling Jada ya, good
for you, mom, that you didn't leave your child alone
(16:30):
to address the dangers it's coming with those secret people meetings.
It's always a little something, people going around the corner
to say, let me just put you on game real quick.
Maybe that's something Paulina could do is continue to share
these stories and let these young models know this could happen,
that could happen. Protect yourself in these ways. So Karl
Lagerfeld telling Jada is good for you, protect your daughter? Like,
(16:52):
what about all these other fifteen year old who don't
have their mother with them? Did you tell them to
come back and pick up the children at the bus stop?
That's what I'm disturbed about. What is the industry doing overall?
Because you think about it, that wasn't that long ago, right,
This was some current relevant stuff. Carlia fel died in
t nineteen, so you're talking about literally just a couple
(17:15):
of links ago. I don't know. I just think in
the industry sometimes it's like not kissing and telling I'm
not saying I support that or believe in it, or
I think it's right. I just think the culture of
that whole industry has probably done and seen a lot
of things that they continuously sweep under the carpet, and
(17:36):
I'm sure to speak up, it's probably a very difficult thing. Again,
I'm not saying I agree with it, but I'm sure
then you become an outcast or you get some kind
of penalty as far as now your profession, and they
probably have them almost held hostage if you do it
for a laugh of better terms, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, Yeah,
(17:57):
that's the hard part because I mean, I guess that
us to be your lane, right, Like I want to
be a change maker out here, and we arranged narratives
to help people pivot and do things differently, but everybody's
not in there, like what I need to do to
just kind of maintain go along, to get along that part.
That part, So I get that if you're Willow in
this case, But Carl laguer Dangon failed industry leader. Huh,
(18:23):
someone who knows better was one of the founders in
building in the fasteron industry, and I'm just frustrated that
you have the wherewithal, and then you can select the
person to say good for you that you're not leaving
Willow alone, which lets me know that you know I
shouldn't and did it for Jada that she didn't. However, Comma,
(18:44):
what about the other children who were there there weren't
in a position to have their parents or guardian with them,
Then they were just exposed and potentially violated while you
wait on the wings for them to show up and
walk down the aisle or whatever they're doing. I don't know,
I just feel some kind of way about that. You know,
it's a hurtful situation. We want to be to save everybody, right, man,
(19:05):
this is not about Carl Lack. I feel rest in peace.
But you were wrong for no one and not saying anything.
And then here's the thing, I'm so positive intent for him.
Perhaps he did know and he was trying to be
a change agent and he could just only do what
he could do, which was to forewarn people. Right So,
if you're sitting in the mt of bad things that
are happening, should you feel some responsibility for trying to
fix it? Are you just gonna say I'm gonna tell
(19:27):
you on the side or Carl, what we say you
have a good side. Bar black people conversation, see a
little private black people meeting, white people meeting. We'll have
people meeting coming. Baby. Let me tell you something. Listen,
Listen for me personally, I'm not trying to fix a
thing anymore. Back in my day, I was trying to
save everybody and everything. But I believe it was the
(19:48):
great three six Manfia that said, don't say here mephis
you don't want to be saved. That's what I heard.
She don't want to be saved. Okay, hold on, First
of all, thank you for rapping three six Mafia N one.
I'm all about nine a woman because we got some
fantastic I'm out here. However, let me say this, Cara,
(20:10):
what this is? Truly? Wait what You're not trying to
fix anything, not the person who was leading protests in
the Great City of Yes. If they want to be saved,
they're gonna do everything I can let them know and
empower them, to let them know that they can move
with just and pivot. But but all the little Paulina's
(20:33):
of the world, I hope that there are some people
who are advocates for you. And see, there's absolutely nothing
to stop the industry from putting safety nets and safeguards
in place for those young women and men who are
in the industry to ensure that they're protected. Because just
because something was done a certain way and it's always
been that way, doesn't mean it has to always be
(20:55):
that way. I think that the industry just needs to
do better. So that's my soapbox moment. All right, we're
all pretty familiar with what Pauline the experienced in her
relationship and eventual split. But Sharnita, what was your experience
separating from your husband of ten years? It was something
(21:19):
else so man like. I could talk for days about
this kind of stuff. It was an emotional roller coaster. Honestly,
no one ever gets married, I'm gonna say most people
probably don't get married with the notion of getting divorced. Right.
We all are in it to win it. That's in
the beginning. So you have the tug of war of
(21:40):
I'm not happy? Is it supposed to be this way?
You don't know who to talk to. Everybody else is
acting like their marriage is perfect, no issues, no problems.
It's just me. Life can't be this way. What am
I doing wrong. You go through all of these emotions
and then you finally get to the end where you're
just like, I cannot do this anymore for the sake
of both of us, my sanity, your sanity. You won't
(22:04):
hurt me, I won't hurt you physically like it. Yeah,
And so it was definitely a journey, and it was
very hard. It was extremely hard to put an end
on it because you do feel like, unfortunately me personally,
like I was a failure. And we look at marriage
here in our culture as a big deal, right, It's
(22:25):
almost a rite of passage. This is what you're supposed
to do. So to have my fall apart, I wasn't
emotional wreck for a while. But look at me now, thriving, thriving.
That's why I'm like, when you look at yourself, when
you get back to where you were and where you are.
What was the hardest part? Was it the getting over
(22:46):
the assumptions of what people would think, because clearly you're
thriving now. So was it an imaginary burden you had
to push past or just the narrative changeing that you
didn't expect. I think it was the unknown. So you
know you're in a marriage for ten years, you haven't
been dating for ten years. You have grown with someone
(23:09):
for ten years. Y'all share a lot of things over
the ten years, and then to kind of press stop
and almost basically start all over again, like those things
I had to rebuild, financially rebuild. I didn't know what
dating was like anymore because I thought I was officially
off the market, and so it's like having to readjust
(23:30):
to all of that was a lot. It was a lot.
It was like a culture shock almost because in ten
years you're thinking, I'm sure, like we're locked and loaded,
like you've gotten pasked, the first couple of honeymoon phase,
the seven year itch, You've by passed all of that
to get to the point where you said, okay, we
need to dissolve this. That's a lot, and I can
imagine why you would feel like there was some failure
(23:52):
in that, because society, like you said, in our culture,
it absolutely does not lend itself towards being generous or
even gracious to people, especially women who are single. Paulina
said at fifty seven, the dating pool is so small
that it's hard for her to find a man who
hasn't dated one her friends. But now on fifty seven
(24:16):
and I'm in the dating pool. What is that? Like?
A small pool? Dirty little puddle, dirty little girls, ladies.
It sucks. It turns out that on the dating apps,
men our age my age that are willing to sleep
(24:38):
with women our age have slept with all my girlfriends already.
Now that's sad. Is this true for you? And have
you had to have somebody that's dipped in the same
pool as one of your friends? You know what, I'm
gonna say, no, So I'm going to try to hold
(25:01):
I'm making the assumption her pool was small because she
stayed within the industry, even though that's a big industry, right.
So for me, like I tried to have a variety
of options, there's the connection between the sororities and the fraternities,
the maybe people from college or people that I have
met through professional spaces. So you have to like expand
(25:24):
your network. You can't stay in that same village of
people otherwise I'm sure that is bound to happen. Like
for her, absolutely, Yeah, I'm just grateful because the whole
woman in the same pool thing kind of made me
want to know I was taking me to bodily fluid, fluid,
(25:45):
bodily fluid. Wait a minute, it made me think of
not so much friends are dating someone your friends have dated,
but maybe attempting to date someone who knew you as married,
that experienced that. That's interesting, you know what. Honestly, I
(26:06):
think that kind of makes you more of a hot
commodity in a weird kind of way. Right, So it's
almost like you've been taken off, like you've been put
on the show for teen years. You was just like
off the market for teen years, and they know you
can't commit, right, so they know that that's it, says
other things. That's such a good point. How has aging
(26:32):
changed the way you see yourself and the way you date?
Now that you're out here in this market, you feeling okay?
So the aging part it was tough. Even though I
laugh and joke about being put on the shelf for
a little while, the age process is happening, right, and
so you become a little self conscious. One gray hair
(26:53):
turns into fifteen gray hairs and the renco start to
come in, and so I understand the reason that you
want botox. But with the cool thing is so if
I try to date within no, no, more than five
years older than me and no less than five years
younger than me. And at this age they're green too.
(27:13):
They have wrinkles also, so the conversation becomes different. And
I had to almost train my mind, like we're going
through the same things. It's just in your mind the
ten years have passed and you're like, oh no, this
is sagging now. They have things that's sad too, Okay,
So it's just more transparent conversations. Like the guy that
(27:36):
I am dating, we joke about the fact that he's
slow now, or he might repeat himself three or four times,
or as all of this gray hair popping in. I
mean you just you live in that moment. Life will
create an equal sag opportunity. Yes, yes, well hilarious. And
(27:59):
even though you're not the spotlight. Have you ever felt
any pressure to defy age by getting botox or any feelers?
I did, but I don't think it was from like
the community or the public. It was just me in
my own head. I never seriously researched or made an
appointment to proceed with any of that. But I would
say I am a fan of aging gracefully. And when
(28:21):
I say gracefully, I just mean taking care of your
new exterior shell. Right. I try to do things to
maintain myself, like I might get chemical pills or facials,
massages and things like that. But I don't know what
botox is categorized as. But I'm not interested in that
at all. And I think it's good that you're saying
(28:44):
you do things to maintain your well being and wellness.
And I want to encourage the p y t s
and the tender ronis in conference age group go ahead
now and start doing some of the things trying need
to just mentioned so that when you get to the
fifty club that you will be able to have a
maintenance playing and not trying to be in correction mode.
That will help you. That will help you to self
(29:05):
get a chemical pill and you know these things. We
got some people out here in the fifties and sixties
rocking and giving these folks in the thirties a run
for their money. Yes, and Gammy is one of them.
Are not Gammy, Gammy is smoking hot shell me. We
love us some games. Listen, I heard you say you
(29:26):
are dating, so let's talk about it. I mean, have
you tried to do dating on some of these apps
or what has your experience been like, you're just going
out here getting confid love. But she said the apps
were not for me. I tried it. I tried the
apps and it just wasn't my space. I think they
(29:46):
were looking for different things and I wasn't definitely like
sex absolutely and everything was done. You can only imagine
the idea of technology makes everything faster. Right in my head,
it is a ten year gap. So you log onto
the system or the platform and everybody's like, hey, can
(30:07):
I call you? Hey? Can I see you? Hey? When
can I take you out? And I felt like the
old lady. I'm like, can we slow down? Can we
exchange a few more messages? What's your name? What is
your real name? Let like, is this really you? Yeah?
So I would say I met about two or three
(30:31):
decent guys, but nothing ever progressed to be on that
for me. Youth apps and oh a couple of people,
but not really because they were moving too fast. You
want them to slow down, moving way too fast. So
for me personally, I have had better luck in dating
or just by mutual friends, like knowing someone who might
(30:51):
know someone that's single. They know me, they know that
person and just think it would be like a good
introduction and they walk away out point. But I've been
more successful with that style of dating, which is much
more traditional in the sense it's someone that you feel
a little more comfortable with because it's someone that you know,
someone you know. Yes, I don't have time to continue
(31:14):
to cross check you on the sea. We got cat
fishers out here. We got all kind of stuff going on, yes, stammers,
you know, go back and listen to some Let's Red
Table and episodes we see the date online can be problematic.
How has been divorced altered the way you approach new
romantic relationships? Do you have some non negotiables for your
(31:37):
partners of those changed? Yes, so it's kind of weird
because they're non negotiables, but they should have never been
negotiable anyway. But but the conversations are just at a
different level now. It's more about teammate, right, So I
(32:00):
am interested in someone who can take care of me
and I can take care of him in every aspect.
It's the finance, the romance, the family life, the core values,
all of those things. And this time around, I'm talking
dinner over conversations about do you have a retirement plan
where do you see yourself in the next five to
(32:22):
ten years, you know what I mean, like more mature? Yes?
Do you have a savings account, right, life insurance and
all of that? Doctor? Yeah? Yes. But was strange yet
because before dating, like younger dating, no one was talking
(32:44):
about those kind of things, like like it never existed.
I mean, I've even talked about credit and maybe where
either of us have taken wrong turns. But what are
you doing now to fix it? And what did you
learn from it? It's all about what did you learn
from those bad experiences? And those conversations are very mature conversations,
(33:06):
like you're n overall because someone may learning anything for him,
they are not. Oh yeah, Asian wisdom don't go together.
That's not an automatic partnership. You can have communication and comprehension, right.
Comprehension and communication are two things too that do not
necessarily it could be one of these things that not
belong because you can have some people that are old
(33:28):
and foolish, yes, and some people who are young and
very wise. So I appreciate having the conversations. And there's
so many things that in your twenties and thirties that
you take for granted. Because you don't factor in that
you're living in real life and you need to be
prepared for things that are gonna come in your future,
and how are you playing it for them exactly exactly?
You're putting to senior lives together too, seasons Cora veteran
(33:52):
lives together. You really need to be able to figure
out what you're gonna do with some assets and some
other stuff, especially to russ around to get married. Listen's right,
I'm already thinking about it, y'all, because I mean, listen,
my mama, I'm just I want another emergency contact. I
want someone else I can put on the line, because
my mama's emergency contact. This ain't it's flipping at this
(34:12):
point in time. That's right, That's right. It's time to
start thinking about some stuff. That's good if people say
with age comes wisdom. So now, Churnita, what are some
of the wisdoms you wish you could tell your younger self,
whether about dating or just life in general, because you know,
being this age gives you some some opportunities to have
some fantastic hinding site. Right, Yeah, one thing for sure
(34:35):
would be to take my time. I feel like my
younger self was like the technology platform, Like you move
too fast. Right, it looks like a dog, waddles like
a dog, quack like a dog. It's a duck. But
I'm trying to tell myself, no, it's a che wah wah.
I can make it a chi wahwa, Like I can
figure that out. So take your time, because the representative
(34:58):
cannot hang around for so long. Right, So if you
slow down, look for consistency, which is what I would
tell my younger self, and follow your intuition, Like I
know the intuition is not developed, but so much at
a certain point in life. But my gut early on,
right before I got married, and even in the beginning
(35:20):
of marriage, I questioned. I was like, girl, what are
you doing and what did you just do? But I
tried to figure it out. I tried to figure it out.
I was like, this has to be normal. What I'm
feeling is not weird. And I'm learning later in life
that my intuition, if I have questions about it or
I'm not sure, I need to do more either more research,
(35:43):
ask more questions, have those hard conversations that you feel
weird about initiating, but sometimes that's where you get more information.
To help you feel better about either not doing something
or doing something, So follow your I want to ask
one more question. What I do want to know is
because like it probably took a while for you to
(36:05):
take the leap and decide this is it, and then
you got your partner to say, Okay, I'm feeling what
you're saying, let's go ahead and split. What have you?
What knew did you learn about yourself on the other
side that you didn't even see coming, whether it was
creativity or did you have any dream or anything that
(36:25):
you were maybe hindering in your previous married state that
you can now act on or decided to go for.
If that makes sense. Yep, yeah, it's kind of two things.
So as far as take some leaps, I have always
wanted to pursue real estate full time. I've had my
license now for about twenty years, and things could never
(36:45):
align on the marriage side, Like our lifestyle didn't live
off of one income, so we both had to always
have consistent income coming in or if I was trying
to support his vision and his goal, so any and
extra went to his dream and not my own dream.
So to be able to finally fulfill some of my
(37:07):
own personal goals and accomplishments on this side is a
great thing. But the other thing Colrad has nothing necessarily
to do with like professional space, but it does kind
of have something to do with about me, would be
the those uncomfortable conversations. Girl can't take you far. To
build up enough tenacity to tell my mate that I
(37:27):
was no longer in love with him took the act
of congress because I am such a hard, loving, genuine person,
and even when it wasn't right, I still was more
concerned about hurting him. I was like, I don't want
to hurt him, so I was still sacrificing my unhappiness
(37:49):
in that space. Yeah, and I'm learning that as difficult
as some conversations have to be, it's something better on
the their side once you move beyond it and you
can't see it and you can't feel it. But I'm
so proud of myself for pushing myself through that that
(38:10):
I don't know. It's just I don't even have a
word to explain what that feeling is when you have
to say that to someone and then you have to
find enough tenacity to move beyond that place. I learned
a lot about myself, like I'm way stry. I thought
I was strong, but I was way stronger than I
ever thought that I could be. And I'm just I'm
(38:31):
proud in a weird kind of way to say that,
because you don't know what a hard conversation would unlock it.
I would never thought I would be this happy ever again,
but I am so. I am proud of you. How
long did it take for you to be able to
say those words? To speak about along? I would say,
(38:51):
And if I'm to be transparent, I would say, a
year four into the marriage, I was falling out of love. Yep, yep.
I just kept trying and I kept trying, and it's
gonna get and you feel like this is what you're
supposed to You're supposed to tough it out because one
(39:14):
of us supposed to die before it's over, and I'm like,
you gotta keep pushing you. It's gonna get better. Then years,
just year after year after year, and I became unhappy
and depressed and everything else, and I was like, nah,
this is not it, this is not it, and just
losing yourself in it and losing yourself in it. Yeah,
(39:34):
fixed years and probably pouring from an empty cup. Bless
your heart because like you were still pouring, and I
think that's the thing that maybe we're gonna set some
people free during this episode. It's okay for things to
start going another way, for you to still try like,
I don't want somebody out there to be like no,
maybe it's my sign to leave, maybe it's your sign
and maybe trying something else communicate first. I'm sure you
(39:54):
trying all the things in advance, but it's done. I
think that's okay to say. And I think what she
said to follow your gut. Follow your gut. Your gut
is always going to be a guy. It's a fantastic
beacon for you. So in the spirit of giving wisdom
and sharing some of the jewels and gems that you've
learned along your way. One of the two of us
(40:17):
is single on here, and one of the hosts of
this fantastic podcast is single. It's not me, Tarnita. What
would you say to our young, fantastic successful host in
terms of dating, what would you tell her and along
with all the other listeners, what do you need to
have as a little wisdom that they can put in
their pocket. I'm still gonna take your time, Do not
(40:39):
sacrifice if you have a list of your desires, it
is very important that you stick to the list of
your desires because ultimately, your happiness is key. That's it,
that's it. Got it your happiness. You got a car, alright,
your you got it in your pocket, al right. It
was at the top of the anyway, because after twenty
(41:02):
years of my man gonna come, my son's twenty y'all,
sometimes you have to say to yourself, maybe he ain't SI,
get on out there and go to the party, take
the trip. It's just there's more than that romantic relationship.
I don't know my word fairy tale. It's okay to
not have the princess whatever they think we're supposed to have.
That's part of the challenge that we have with marriages anyway,
(41:25):
because you think that it's supposed to be this fairy
tale and it's just not. So you get into it.
And in Charnita, six years after she realized, Okay, this
is not this, this is real life, this is not
what I wanted, she still waited to say, I don't
want to disappoint my family. I don't want to disappoint
his family. I don't want to look praise to my friends.
I don't want to feel like a failure when all
(41:46):
the while you're literally putting yourself further and further back
with every Yes to them is a note to you.
We have to look at all of our relationships and
enjoy all of them, not just the romantic ones, y'all.
So that well, k E Morton. Shout out to you again,
Katie Morton. That hug and roll when you create those
boundaries and tell people that's the hug and then you
(42:08):
have to roll out. I am so proud of you that,
even though it took you longer than you may have
wanted your here, and that you're thriving and doing so
amazing well, So bravo to you. Churn Yes is the
best best I know it we could literally talk for.
I mean, I'm glad you shared it here with us
(42:31):
today at our virtual weird table, So thank you so
much for being thank you for allowing me to share it.
I appreciate it. We want to know how you're feeling
about this new season of Red Table Talk, and we
are open to talk about anything with you all, so
please send in your questions at let's red table that
at red table talk dot com, or you can leave
(42:53):
us a voicemail at speedpipe dot com slash Let's Red
Table that Yes, we want to hear voices, don't we Yes.
Thank you so much for listening, and make sure you
subscribe on our radio app, and please rate this podcast
on Apple Podcast. We'll be back next week for another
episode of Let's Red Table. That special thanks to executive
(43:15):
producers Jada Pinkett, Smith, Valon Jethro and Ellen Racketon. Thank
you to our producer Kyleague and Ahru and our associate
producer Yolanda Chow. And finally, thanks to our sound engineer
Stephanie Aguilary. Let's retabble that Hey, Let's table Let's Hey,
(43:38):
maybe you should really do an album? I know, I know,
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com