September 18, 2025 • 46 mins
Marriage and Family therapist Charna F Wilson joins this episode of Levels to This, Sheryl Swoopes and Terrika Foster-Brasby to discuss BOUNDARIES. How to set them, how to handle guilt for taking time for yourself, and everything else you need to carve out some peace.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Levels to This is an iHeart women's sports production in
partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
You can find us on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
App, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Hey, what's going on y'all?
Speaker 3 (00:17):
As your girl?
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Trika Foster Brasby, what's up y'all? Is your girl? Cheryl
Swoops And this is the levels to this podcast.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
This is the show where we talk about the different
levels to the ship that women go through. And Honey,
we will absolutely be talking about shit that women go
through on today's show because today's show is really one
that I think we both need it in many aspects.
So I'm really excited about the guests that we're gonna
(00:45):
have on today. She's a sol war of ours. I
never get tired of saying that.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
You don't realize that. I never get tired of.
Speaker 4 (00:58):
My God, I don't get tired of say but anyway, Sheryl,
how's your weekend?
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Amazing? Amazing?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
My grand baby is two months old. Now, he's getting
so big. He's trying. He thinks he can talk. I
just I just sit and I play with him, have
conversations and I get the whole baby.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Hey, but you know what I mean, uh Tea.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
I just every day when I see him, I just
think back to when I was playing and I was
carrying Jordan, and I told somebody the other day, I said,
I can't believe my son has a son, Like wow, just.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy week. My week has been fantastic.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
I went to Indianapolis this weekend so I could go
see the Colts play, so I saw my football team play,
and then the very next day I went to see wrestling.
So I had like an incredible week. I missed all
of the game one stuff. I told y'all I was watching.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
We weren't expecting to see you.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
I didn't, but but I caught up. I was on
it for game twos. I'll be on it for the
rest of the week. So I'm good. I'm excited. I
think that that's just sometimes what we need. Like sometimes
with us being in the basketball space, you gotta take
moments away from basketball, right, Like I don't spend every
(02:19):
day all day thinking about basketball, thinking about the WNBA,
Like I have to find time to do other things
that bring me joy and make me happy. And this
weekend was a weekend where I was like I know
the playoffs is starting. I know everybody gonna be following
me for playoff takes and stuff, But like, I need
a moment where I'm not worried about basketball, where I'm
(02:40):
just enjoying being, where I am enjoying hobbies and things
that I love that don't have nothing to.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Do with work. I'll catch back up with everything later
on in the week.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Because it'll still be there, you know. And it's okay
to take a break from what you do all the time. Yes,
I love the saying of b where you're feet are right,
just be present in that moment.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
So yes, and it's easy to catch up on you.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
You will? You did?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Did you miss a lot? I ain't missing.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Miss the Phoenix.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
We won't talk about it, but Phoenix in a New
York Phoenix, Phoenix like that will slip away.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I'm sair.
Speaker 4 (03:18):
Yeah, I caught up, like I rewatched it. I recorded
all the games on YouTube TV, so I watched it,
so I saw it. But you're right, I didn't really
miss anything. But I think that plays perfectly into what
our topic is this week, and that's creating boundaries and
setting boundaries. And I had to mark in my calendar,
y'all leave me alone on Saturdays and Sunday and Monday
(03:39):
because I'm gonna be busy, and so it's just a
perfect segue into what we are going to be discussing today.
So today we have on the show marriage family therapist
Sharna Wilson, who is incredible and I am so.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Excited to talk to her.
Speaker 4 (03:55):
So without further ado, let's go into the next level. Okay, So,
I know, like we always have guests that we're cool
(04:17):
with or friends with, or passionate with and all that
good stuff, but today feels very very different and very
very special, Cheryl, because not only is our guests a
sol roar, so we both have a connection in that way.
But I know, right, but I have known this person
(04:37):
since twenty ten and it's twenty twenty five now, right,
So that's what fifteen years. And at no point in
twenty ten did I think, no, feel, nothing like nothing
would have told me in twenty ten that this woman
would be one of the closest, most supportive, most intelligent
(05:01):
people that I could ever have in my circle. And
so I am incredibly honored to have Shanna Wilson MFT
SHEEO extraordinaire.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Graphic designer.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
Just literally there is an event planner, creative everything, Like,
there's not a single thing that this woman can do
or can't touch that can't be great and won't be
great when she's done. So I'm incredibly excited to have
her on the show today.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
So welcome Sharna.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Thank you. Don't be trying to make me cry. I
don't appreciate you, and I've been.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Every word of it. I've been every word of it.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Ah, I am happy to be here, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Welcome sorrow, of course.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
And.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Thank you sorrowy facts.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
See, we extra y'all should have never made us both,
as she rose, because it's about to be a mess,
this whole show. So okay, so listen, charl and I
were having a conversation offline, and we were talking about
how we both have to do a better job of
(06:11):
creating boundaries, and we have to do a better job
of just being present, being in the moment and not
allowing folks to pull us in different directions.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
And I said to her, I had this same.
Speaker 4 (06:24):
Issue and I still do have to get my shit
together from time to time. But I said, the person
who helped me the most with understanding that I need
to create healthy boundaries for myself is my girl, Sharna,
and that is why we absolutely had to have you
on the show today to kind of talk about this
(06:45):
subject and why it's so important for us, especially as
black women, to create and set healthy boundaries. So before
I get too deep, can we start with just you
telling us or telling our listeners a little bit more
about you and what you do.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
As an MFT as an MFT. Okay, thank you for specifying,
but you did let them know I'll be doing a lot.
But as an MFC.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
As an NFT, I am a marriage and family therapist,
I am a holistic certified holistic marriage and family therapist,
So I tap into emotions and experiences that's super specific
to my modality what I like to do, and just
you know, our emotions guide everything that we do. Some
(07:34):
people don't believe that, but I fully believe that we
feel and how we feel indicates how we start thinking
and how we start acting. So it's super important to
make sure that we don't push our emotions down and
try to pretend like we don't feel how we feel,
or you know, just let that happen so you gonna
feel how you feel.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
You hear it all the time. Oh, you're entitled to
feel how you feel? What are you do? People really
let you feel how you feel, not all the time.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
So it's important that you give you space to feel
how you're gonna feel, and then you decide how you're
gonna respond after you have felt it, because if you
try to respond, act and without going through those feelings first,
you're likely to make a poor judgment call, and then
you have to apologize and redo and regroup and all
of that. When you just do it from the beginning.
If you do it first, you don't have to ask
(08:21):
for forgiveness for it later.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Incredibly fair, Chary looked like she's struggle her first of all.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Tea, you know, I'm an emotional person, and Seanna, you
just said so much in that little short span of
time you were talking. But I feel not I feel
because I shouldn't even say but but as a black woman, though,
(08:48):
I just feel like we struggle with that, right, like
just letting our emotions out because we know people are
going to judge us, they're gonna look at us differently,
and again, just as a black woman, we're held to
a completely different standard than our counterparts. So what advice
(09:09):
do you have for someone that's like, Listen, I'm struggling
emotionally right now with whatever those emotions are, and I
don't know what to.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Do with it because I go through that all the time.
Speaker 5 (09:27):
Well, as a therapist, I'm going to advocate for therapy.
I'm absolutely going to advocate for finding a neutral party
who is completely invested in you and is making space
for you and your feelings and your thought process and
spending time with them on a regular basis. Our friends
are great, our family members are great, but they're always
(09:47):
going to be biased. And it's not because they.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Don't, you know, care, they don't want to be like
I have.
Speaker 5 (09:53):
To explain that to my family and my friends all
the time. So you know we've had that conversation. I'm
gonna be us as unb as I can, but I
know you, and I know you from a personal place.
So while as a therapist, I know that what the
most important thing is is for you to come to
a conclusion about how you want to deal with your situation.
(10:16):
As your friend, I really want you to do it
this way. I really want you to choose this. But
a therapist, they are their job is to help you
come to your own conclusions, not to put conclusions.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
In your mind.
Speaker 5 (10:30):
So as far as being black women in these places
of power, in these places where they don't necessarily accept us,
where we're the angry black woman, where we're the aggressive
black women, where ooh, you don't want to say too
much cause she gonna pop off, or ooh, better not
touch her hair before she get an attitude, like in
those situations, in those spaces, what I can recommend most
(10:51):
is something that I got from a cousin.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
He used to say all the time that my rage
is not free.
Speaker 5 (10:57):
My rage is not free. So think about what you
want to give them. You are the first person that
needs to benefit from whatever emotional experience you're having. You
don't have to share that with anybody. So find a corner,
go to the car, go to the restroom, feel, always feel,
(11:19):
and then you can go back out and give them
what they need. Like I need a moment, you know,
turn that camera off if it's a virtual call, quick moment,
turn it off, roll your eyes, fix your face, come back,
and then business as usual.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
But it doesn't mean that you don't you don't deserve
those moments.
Speaker 5 (11:37):
You just don't have to have those moments in front
of them because they don't deserve your moments.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
I honestly love that my rage is not free for real,
and like I need to really adapt that, like because
I'll be ready to pop off on everybody's social.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Media can get these hands. People on zoom can get this.
Speaker 4 (11:57):
Work, everybody can get this work right. Everybody don't deserve
this work for free. You're right, So let me let
me go ahead and figure out how to check, how
to check those how to check those moments where it
doesn't necessarily need to be in front of everyone. And
I think part of that honestly rolls into the whole
(12:17):
idea and concept of boundary setting, right, because maybe you know,
I feel like there are definitely moments where I allow
people to be in my space and I allow myself
to be more accessible than necessary to even get me
to those points and get me to those moments where
you are you're now doing having me do too much
(12:37):
or making me feel like you're doing too much. And
so I guess my first question is, like, what does
a healthy boundary even look like? Like, like, I know
there's a difference between setting a boundary and then like
being avoidant, and I'm never trying to be like avoidant,
Like I don't want to avoid you. But maybe there
is a misconception of what a healthy boundary actually looks
(12:59):
like and so, so is there any way you can
provide some insight on that.
Speaker 5 (13:02):
Okay, so a healthy boundary and I'm giving you what
resonates with me. I'm not going to no dictionaries off
of this right now. But for me, when I am
setting a healthy boundary, I have to look at my expectations,
my expectations of myself, my expectations of others. When I'm
(13:24):
setting a boundary, can I realistically expect the results I'm
looking for? And if not, then maybe I need to
make an adjustment. So if I'm saying, Okay, my healthy
boundary is everybody can't have all of my time, I
gotta be realistic about what time I am gonna let
them have.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Though I can't.
Speaker 5 (13:43):
Say, look, you can't get me, but between twelve noon
and two pm Monday through Friday?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Is that realistic?
Speaker 5 (13:51):
Is that really realistic? Are people going to actually be
able to respect that boundary? And if you set that
up with that limited about don't you might end up
being bombarded between those two hours because now people are
trying to get you, get to get you. So just
make sure you're being realistic about what you're setting and
what you're doing, and just being consistent. The consistency is
(14:14):
gonna be key when it comes to setting a realistic boundaries.
If you say, all right, these are my office hours,
and those office hours is changing based off of the
way the sun rose and the way the sunset that day.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
People don't know how to you know, really respect it.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
It's like, okay, well yesterday it was three to five,
today is four to six. To borrow it like, and
they never know when they can or what they can do, how.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
They're supposed to respect the boundary.
Speaker 5 (14:42):
Then it does start to look avoidant or people start
avoiding you, and now nothing's getting done.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
I'm over here taking that fair.
Speaker 4 (14:50):
I'm sorry, that's totally fair, because I'm that person.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
Listen, write it down, put it on the mirror.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Right, that's a boundary I'm steady working on. Yeah, you know,
it's it's hard.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
We talk about it a lot, and T and I
we've had this conversation where and I tell myself, right,
I'm like Okay, I am going to set boundaries for whatever, X,
Y and Z.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
It's it's my choice.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
I need boundaries because I feel like I'm constantly being
pulled in so many different directions that I don't.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Have time or take time for me.
Speaker 6 (15:35):
And in knowing that and saying that, I do feel
guilty at times because when I do say no, and
I'm like, listen, no, then I go back and I
think about it.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
I'm like, could I have really done that this one time?
So like, what advice would you give someone who is
struggling with that setting the boundaries and then feeling guilty
for sticking to the boundaries.
Speaker 5 (16:06):
Okay, so this one yet I love to pull from
other people. This is one I got from my mother.
I was struggling with keeping up with a certain standard
I had set for myself. I was trying to get
my blog entries in and I needed them to go
out at a certain time on a certain day every
single time. And I was stressed. Girl, it was too
much going on. And she said to me, they're your rules.
(16:29):
Why can't you just change them.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
You get to change your own rules. You get to
change your rules to suit you.
Speaker 5 (16:36):
They are your boundaries and you can adjust them as
you see fit.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
I'm just a.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
Firm believer in the over communication part. So if you decide,
like the example you gave, you know, could I have
done it this one time? The answer is yes. Just
make sure the person you're doing it for understandings that
you are making an exception to your rule so that
they don't think that this is now the new norm.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
So I've it.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
It's like, okay, listen, I need you to understand I'm
about to be in this kind of mode and I'm
gonna make some flexibilities. But understand, this is not my norm.
This is a special circumstance. So I'm honoring the fact
that you need me. I want to be there for you,
and I'm making a special adjustment for this circumstance. Just
understand this might not be the norm. And I know
that that's easier said than done, especially if you're dealing
(17:22):
with feelings of guilt for you know, respecting yourself and
honoring yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Because I'm just gonna call it what it is. That's
what you're doing.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
You feel guilty about taking time for you because everybody
needs you. It's another black woman complex. It's another black
woman complex. We have having to take care of everybody
and everything, and we end up pouring from that was
last two drops in our cup because we one got
but two left and we still pulling little pieces off
to give to other people.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
But you got to replenish. You have to, and everybody
knows it.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
They know it.
Speaker 5 (17:53):
So if they can't accept that you need time, then
that's a relationship you need to read valuate. It doesn't
mean that necessarily you need to end it, but maybe
more conversations need to be had, maybe you know, more
information needs to be given. It just depends on who
it is. I know, I'm I'm an over communicator. I
know tea could be like this too, where we tell
(18:14):
everybody what we got going on.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Well, I actually got this, this, this, this, and this.
Speaker 5 (18:19):
And it's not to brag or to make it seem
like what we got going on is more important than
what other people have going on, but it's just giving
you a full picture, letting you see, Okay, I'm gonna
find a space for you, but my mental process is
to call out everything else so I can figure out who.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
I'm gonna fit you win, because I intend to fit
you in, but I gotta go through it.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
I gotta see everything on the list, and I'm just
sharing because I thought this was a safe place where
I could share and so but if they can't accept that,
then okay, maybe I don't need to share as much
with this person. Maybe I need to have a different
type of conversation with that person. It's just the communication.
Communication is key in every relationship, every situation. Making sure
people know. I am a firm believer that closed mouths
(18:59):
don't get it fed. I do not expect anybody to
treat me any kind of way or do anything for
me if I have not communicated with them.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
How you know you standing on my foot?
Speaker 5 (19:09):
If I'm not saying out and telling you there, you
don't know you are messing with my boundaries because I
haven't told you.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
I didn't tell you.
Speaker 5 (19:17):
You just standing there minding your business, and you don't
know my foot is under yours. And we as people
have a tendency to think, well they should know, or
well why don't they know? You not in that person's mind,
they got a lot of stuff going off of them too,
so they may not realize that they're invading or not
not being considerate.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
But if I tell you, you're not being considerate of me,
and you do it again. We got a different problem.
Now that's a different problem. That's a different problem.
Speaker 5 (19:42):
Now you disrespecting me intentionally because I already told you
what the deal was. But if I didn't tell you,
I don't expect you to know. And that's that's a
mean thing. I know people find me, you know, like
how should do that? But really, if I didn't tell you,
I don't expect you to know anything. Do not expect
you to know because I didn't tell you, So I'm
gonna tell you.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
I have that same I have that same issue sometimes too, though,
because it's one of the reasons why I see people
post this all the time and it gets on my nerves.
I think I talked about this before two Shod and
they say, I'm not going to tell you what you
did because people know what.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
They were doing, and I'm like, no, no, they don't.
Everybody don't know what they be doing.
Speaker 7 (20:17):
Like I pissed you off, but I ain't. No I
pissed you off because you ain't tell me that I
pissed you off. You just assume that I do that
I did or said something. I don't even know what
I did or said.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
Like it could have been a regular Tuesday for me
and you out here mad for three months, Like right.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
You don't know what I did?
Speaker 4 (20:33):
Girl, tell me what happened, So that that is truly
a thing that like we really do have to deal with.
But you hit on something when you said feeling guilty,
because I go through that often. I feel so bad
when I can't. And that's probably our given spirit. We
want to be there for everybody. We want to do
everything for everybody, and I feel so bad after I
(20:56):
have to tell somebody no, or after I'm like nah,
I can't do that, or and in our business, our
schedules change so often, like we don't have the level
of flexibility. So like one of the boundaries that I
said is being a soar being the president of my chapter.
People are always coming to me for everything, And part
(21:18):
of this is my fault because I have made myself
so accessible and so available that you can text me
when you have a question, you can call me, if
you need something, you can hit me up like it's
one of those things and intatoot my own horn. I
have gone out of my way to make sure that
I know everything about everything because I like to be
a form, so they know that they can come to
(21:38):
me and ask me about almost anything and I'll have
an answer. The problem is, as the career continues to grow,
as the schedule continues to get busy, you can't text
me now all the time like you used to. You
can't hit me up anytime like you used to, And
so because I don't have consistent every single day, I'm
(21:59):
free from this time. This time, what I'm now doing
is saying, hey, if you want to hit me, go
to my calendar, look at my availability, and schedule time
to talk to me.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
I'm not being a bitch, I'm not being funny.
Speaker 4 (22:13):
I just genuinely cannot just randomly have these conversations anymore,
and so it is difficult.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
It feels difficult for people to.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
Respect that boundary because whenever I still get somebody to
text me something, my first response is to answer what
they asking me instead of saying my calendar, Hey, you
need to go ahead to my calendar and schedule some time, right,
and schedule some time. So my question ultimately is what
can we do better to actually stick to the boundaries
(22:49):
that we set, because it's so easy sometimes to be like, well,
let me just go ahead and answer this question, or
let me just go ahead and do blah blah blah blah.
And it's like, I'm not making it easy for these
people to respect that's what I'm asking them to respect,
because I ain't even respecting what I'm asking them to
And it's not intentional.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
It's just a guilt.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
I feel bad if I don't do it.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
It's deep. I know it's a lot.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
I'm for my words here, So I don't cut you
out because you don't need that.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Cut me out.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Ye're done, do that, I will do it. You don't.
You don't need that right now.
Speaker 5 (23:25):
Acknowledging what you're saying about feeling guilty and acknowledging what
you're saying about not making it easier for them to
respect your boundaries. That's really what it boils down to.
That word I use before, consistency. Think about it the
same way you think about a diet or a workout regiment.
You know, if you don't get up at five am
(23:48):
and go to that gym five days a week, you
not gonna get the results you want. You know, if
you don't cut them carbs or reduce that you know,
does sugar intake, you're not going to get the results.
And what do you do when you have those situations?
Do you go get to tell of ice cream? Do
you skip Jim Day? No, you don't. You talk yourself
(24:08):
into doing what you said you were gonna do so
you can remain consistent.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
And the same thing is true with setting your boundaries. Yes,
it might be easier to just go ahead and respond.
Yes it might be, And I hear that all the
time from people. It's like, but the easiest, the easier
thing for me is to just go ahead and respond
to get out the way.
Speaker 5 (24:27):
But you not teaching these people how to fish. You
giving men to fish instead of teaching them how to
fish and teaching them how to be self sufficient. So
the honest is on you. You got to own it.
If you don't enforce your own boundaries, you cannot expect
anybody else to be able to do it.
Speaker 3 (24:43):
You can't like ooh, I know te know the answer.
Speaker 5 (24:47):
I know she not the treasurer, but she know the
answer to this financial question. I know she not the
community service chair, but she know what the date is
and she responds faster, let me just do it. That's exact,
Girl's exactly is exactly what it is I know that
the easiest way for me to get the answer I want.
They're like, like, okay, let me not, let me not ramble.
I always think, remember mind people that we are grown children,
(25:11):
So think about a toddler. Think about a little kid.
They know what they want. They gonna badger you until
they get it right, and you gotta tell them no
one hundred times because that one on one they gonna
do it. We don't change when we become adults. We
just figure out that easier ways for us to get
what we want. We still gonna test those limits. She
said not to text her, but you know that's one
(25:33):
to text here now, I mean she'll see it when
she see it, not realize.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Yeah, just this one time, I'm gonna just you know,
I'm gonna.
Speaker 5 (25:40):
Send that email at three o'clock in the morning. Then
you know, she'll just see it when she wake up.
They'll know you up at three fifteen and you saw
it at three fifteen, and now you're replying, oh I did.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
I just thought you did.
Speaker 5 (25:52):
You don't keep the same hours, right, we all keep
these different hours. I had a whole email threat conversation
with somebody at four am, and she was like, why
are you awake? Because my mind doesn't sleep, so I'm awaken.
Now I'm replying so because I'm up. But you know,
just you gotta do it.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
If it means scheduling.
Speaker 5 (26:09):
The text, scheduling the email, having an auto reply, whatever
it is, that's going to make it easier for you
to keep your boundaries the way you said you wanted
them to be, because again they're yours. You created them. Enforcement, consistency,
all those words, just to say those two enforcement and consistence.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
That is on us, like we we do allow that
to happen. So here's a question I have for you.
I'm really good at setting mails boundaries with like friends
and even family. I try to set certain boundaries with
my spouse and it don't go so good.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Your faith sends it all my advice, That's all I'm
gonna say. Advice setman ain't listening well because.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Example, right like he has his schedule, I have my schedule,
and he knows on certain days this is what I'm doing,
even on days when it's like my just my meantime
and I get the babe, I know it's.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Your day and your U time, But.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Can you do X, Y and Z for me and
instead of me being like no, I'm like all right, sure,
but I'm doing it with an attitude and I don't
want to be that person.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
I need advice.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
You need to say no.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
But that's easier said than done.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
It's easier, I mean.
Speaker 5 (27:40):
It, absolutely, It is absolutely easier said than done.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
But I can't do it for you. You asked for advice,
and that's what I can give.
Speaker 5 (27:52):
At the end of the day, you gotta take it,
and you gotta do it because it's you gotta.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
I have this thing about pain because I was just
talking to somebody about it. I have.
Speaker 5 (28:04):
You know, I have tattoos. I have, so there's pain
that's involved in that process. I don't have the right
to cry. I tell myself, I don't have the right
to cry while I'm getting a tattoo because it's self inflicted.
I decided I wanted that, so I need to endure
what I said I was going to endure. Now, if
I go to the doctor's office and they tell me
gow to have a procedure and I ain't asked for
(28:24):
that procedure.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Or I'm a cry, I'm a holler, I'm a hoop.
Speaker 5 (28:27):
Bringing me two three nurses so I can squeeze they
hands and do that.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
Because I didn't ask for that.
Speaker 5 (28:31):
That's not something that I said I wanted, but you're
telling me I need it, so I inflicted. So if
you are going to tell him yes, why do you
deserve to have an attitude? You chose to say yes.
You could have said no. So if you're gonna agree,
you need to agree with a smile because you don't
have to agree. It's not your fault. Like he even
(28:56):
prefaced it for you. I know this your time, you're.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
Supposed to be doing this, but I need this. Do
you think you could? Why do you get to have
an attitude you're gonna say yes?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Just say no.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
I'm gonna tell you one better. He already know you
have the right to say no. That's why he prefaced
it the way that he did. He knows that you
are well within your right.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
To tell him hell dada nah, but he.
Speaker 3 (29:23):
Doesn't expect you to because you never do Yeah.
Speaker 4 (29:26):
I was just about to say, he sounded like somebody else.
I know he asking you because you never say no.
And that's why he gonna keep saying yeah, because he
know you don't never say no.
Speaker 5 (29:38):
M All right, I gotta work on and I'm not
saying it needs to be abrupt. I think that the
way you could kind of soften it is maybe just
you don't kind of have a conversation, like babe. I
know I've been saying yes a lot, but I'm working
on my boundaries and I'm working on making sure that
I can do things in a way that's healthier for me.
So I'm about to start trying to say no. So
(30:00):
understand that my nose. It's not an I hate you.
It doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean
that I don't care. But it's me working on a
boundary and I need to practice with you because I
already know how you feel about me. I need to
get better with the people who don't care about me.
So if I can enforce my boundaries better with people
who do care, it's gonna make astronomical leaps with the
(30:23):
people who don't care about me. I gotta get better
here so I can do there.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Okay for you, m.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
That's really good. I'm a listen to this back so
I can say that's to Greg.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Greg, I cannot go to the Doye cleaners today. Only
you know what's crazy.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
The only day that I can get people to respect
my boundary with no questions asked is some days during
NFL season. And you were absolutely correct that that comes
with consistency, because nobody and they Mama, no, Dad, come
football Sunday. Don't ask me to do shit. I ain't
(31:04):
got nothing for you. I'm not going nowhere. I'm not
able to come to your event. I am not able
to speak at your nothing. If you got a meeting,
I'm sorry, it better be between the end of the
four o'clock game and the start of Sunday night football.
Otherwise I can't make it. And everybody knows this, and
you you are right because consistent you've been communting with
(31:29):
communicating that yeap, yeap, And I absolutely say no, Hey,
can you come at three three fifteen?
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Oh no, I ain't gonna be able to make that.
Nah the coach. I can't do that. I can't make it.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
No, I'm good. It's with this, you can.
Speaker 5 (31:51):
Just I just be watching for you on social because
I know when I just lie to a message, I know.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
You do one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
They tagging me, you better tag me at eleven fifty
nine because I'm telling you at twelve o'clock. I'm watching pregame.
I ain't got shit for you, bro, nothing, cur you
stupid nothing.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
I'm so serious.
Speaker 4 (32:09):
Though it's been it's been awesome when we come back
because we got to take a quick short break. But
when we come back, we have a few more questions
for Sharna, and I got something funny for Suerol that
she's gonna laugh at. So stay with me, Sharona. One
(32:39):
thing that I have often wondered, and I would love
your perspective on this is the role that maybe cultural
and family dynamics play in boundary setting, Like as we're
growing up, there are certain things that especially in the
black household, it's certain things you can't say. It's certain
things you can't do. It's certain people that you can't
say no to, like my Mama's something I can't tell
(33:01):
my mama no like and granted it might be something
that I should, but it's like you can't.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
You can't say no to that. You can't you can't
do these things.
Speaker 4 (33:10):
And so often wonder in your expertise, like how much
does family dynamics and cultural upbringing, how much of a
role does that play? And being able to being able
to set healthy boundaries.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
When you're an adult, it.
Speaker 5 (33:26):
Definitely plays a significant role because we become conditioned and
in that conditioning, like you said, you can't say no,
you can't express this, you can't. Now, I'm gonna be
completely honest. I am an anomaly. I have been the
why girl my entire life. Do this why I'm talking
about from a small child.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Why.
Speaker 5 (33:48):
If I don't understand why, you're gonna get a lot
of reluctance from me. And it doesn't mean I have
to agree with the why. I just want to understand.
I want to understand.
Speaker 3 (33:57):
Why so because I said to, just because that's never
worked very well for me.
Speaker 5 (34:03):
But I do understand because you know, even in you know,
the black household I grew up in. Yeah, Mama said
do what you're supposed to do it, Daddy said, do what
you're supposed to do it. And so when it comes
to setting those boundaries in the future, because you do
do get conditioned, even down to giving hugs to people
that you don't necessarily want to, because you're not supposed
to turn down Auntie, uncle, Grandma's hugs and kids that
(34:24):
you're supposed to take those. And if you you know,
you don't like that, you might that might bleed over
into how you interact with other people and your autonomy
even over your own body. When you're trying to make
decisions with other people, you're reluctant to tell people no,
just depending on who they are to you. So it
really just becomes again therapy. Therapy is super helpful because
(34:47):
more communication, more conversations.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
You want to talk to people.
Speaker 5 (34:51):
About your wives and giving them you know what they
necessarily need to help respect those boundaries, and also understanding
that even if they don't, it doesn't mean that you're
not entitled to setting them. It just means it might
change the dynamic of the relationship. I know, I have
(35:13):
been very blessed with the mother that I have. She
is amazing. I have had times where I have had
to explain these are my feelings, these are the things,
and this is my why, and she listens to that
and she makes adjustments.
Speaker 3 (35:26):
So I'm very blessed to have that.
Speaker 5 (35:28):
But I do recognize that everybody doesn't have that, so
sometimes it becomes having to repeat it more times with
letting them know, listen, this doesn't mean I don't love you,
This doesn't mean that I don't want to.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
It just means that this is what my ability is,
and this is the.
Speaker 5 (35:43):
Only way I'm going to be able to in this situation,
and being willing to stick to those things. It is
okay for the dynamics of a relationship to change. It
is especially when you're now an adult. You're not a
little kid. They can't put you in time out. They
can't give you a whooping and send you to your room.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
They can't. They can't do those things.
Speaker 5 (36:02):
So an exercise I often do with my clients as
I ask them, what's the worst thing that could happen
if you say no? And then we talked through what
your options are. Okay, if the worst possible thing that
could happen is they cut you off, all right, how
do you feel about being cut off? What does that
mean for these other things? Okay? The best choice is
(36:24):
the one you can live with. The best choice for
you is the one you can live with. So if
you can't live with it, you gotta make a new choice.
But if you can, then it's the right choice for you.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
That's so good, that's very good, so good.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
I already have one last thing, and it's really it's
a question because I went through it and to you
and I talked about it a couple episodes ago, Searana,
What advice would you give someone who is struggling right now,
right saying I really need to set my boundaries, but
(36:59):
I I don't know where to start or where to begin.
What advice would you give someone on just beginning, like
where to start on setting their boundaries?
Speaker 5 (37:11):
Ideally, I would say go to therapy. That's that's my hashtag,
go to therapy. I'm always going to tell people they
should go to therapy to get that assistance. But if
that's not a realistic option for you, then take some
time to sit down and tell yourself what you want
your life to look like. Set up a scenario for yourself.
(37:32):
What does your perfect situation look like? Okay, how do
you get there? What can you do to contribute to
making that possible? Had that conversation with my sister recently, Hey,
what's the perfect work situation for you?
Speaker 3 (37:47):
ABCD?
Speaker 5 (37:48):
Okay, because you're an employee and not the boss, I'm
the boss, so you know when it comes to that,
whatever I want to happen, I can make happen. But
for her, she's not the boss, so it's like Okay,
you got ABC, and which of those things.
Speaker 3 (38:01):
Do you have control over? See? All right, start with C.
Speaker 5 (38:06):
Start making boundaries around see, and then start having conversations
with the people who can contribute to what you do
and don't have control over. So, if you're sitting at
home and you've got three kids, you've got two jobs,
what do you have control over? Do you have control
over bedtime? Can the kids go to bed thirty minutes
(38:27):
earlier so you can have thirty minutes to yourself to
help you think and sit down and make that list.
Start there. Start there, is you know, is the youngest
one getting up four or five times because they need water,
They need to help pop a wasphs dishes, they need
to put the toys away, do all that early dishes
already washed, toys already put away. It's bedtime, getting that bed.
(38:49):
So start with what you have control over, whatever you
have control over, because it's just gonna be the easiest
for you to work with, right if you can control it.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
Start there.
Speaker 5 (38:57):
They you know how they say with women when we
go through somethings, first thing we do is cut our hair,
because you know, we change our hair, change the color,
change the style, change something about it. But why because
we have control over that right. We can't control anything
else in our situation, but we can control the length
of our hair, the color of our hair, the style
of our hair. So we go to that same thing,
(39:17):
same thing. Start with what you got control over, and
then make gradual, gradual moves.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
Because we don't live in a we don't live in
a vacuum.
Speaker 5 (39:25):
We don't live in a vacuum. We are impacted by
other people, other situations, the world, society, all those things
impact us, and we have very little control, very little control.
So that can be overwhelming because lack of control, loss
of control can produce anxiety. In the calmest, most well
(39:48):
put together person, if they start to feel like they
lose and control of their situation, they're gonna start to
get angst. Just work with what you have control over,
those little things that work your way out, and then
find a therapist.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
I have to find a therapist.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
Bide a therapist. Oh my god, go to therapy.
Speaker 3 (40:11):
That's the hashtag, go to therapy.
Speaker 4 (40:15):
I absolutely love that, Sharna. You've been such a blast
to talk to. Man I just I absolutely love this conversation.
Everything that we've done and had it's the bomb. Please
tell the people where they can find you if they
want to reach out to you, if they want to
learn more about what you do, if they want to
contact you for your many services.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Please tell the people where they can find you.
Speaker 3 (40:39):
So I am on all social media handles.
Speaker 5 (40:41):
I got Facebook, well not TikTok me and TikTok got
an interest in relationship.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
So don't look for me there, young ones. I know
y'all love it there.
Speaker 5 (40:49):
I do not, sorry, but I am on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
and LinkedIn. Those are my social handle. It's Embracing Emotion.
You look up Embracing Emotion, you can find me.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
I have a.
Speaker 5 (41:03):
Psychology Today profile. You look up my name, I'm there.
And then I have my blog website, Yes, Embracing emotionthblog
dot com that will link you to every platform you
can find me.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (41:20):
Well, thank you so much for spending some time with
me and spending some time with us and really like
helping us to get better at boundary setting. And I
promise I'm gonna do exactly what I said I was gonna.
I promise I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. So
I know that's what I'm saying, I ain't trying to
be in trouble. I'm sick of being in trouble. I'm
(41:40):
sick trouble.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (41:43):
But thank you so much for joining us. I told
y'all I had something funny for scherl. I'm gonna tell
y'all on the other side of the break, So stay
with us, and thank you again, Sharnas. I told you
(42:08):
that we were going to need this conversation, and I
absolutely needed this conversation.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
I don't think we can ever talk enough about just
creating your boundaries and sticking to them. That's one of
the toughest things for me, because I will and like
we talked about, I will say I am not doing X,
Y or Z or I'm only doing it under these circumstances,
(42:36):
but I can never.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Stick to it.
Speaker 1 (42:39):
I just appreciate Sharna sharing her wisdom and advice and
everything that she had to say. Sis was absolutely something
I needed to hear for sure.
Speaker 4 (42:50):
And remember I told you that I had something funny
that I was going to tell you did I did so.
I was I was getting ready to put something in
my calendar and somebody was asking me, my fine, I
can't listen, and they said, because you're about to crack up.
And I said, I said, no, I have a nail
appointment at this time, but if we can switch it out,
And they were like, well, is it possible that you
(43:11):
can move your nil appointment?
Speaker 3 (43:12):
And I said, do you know who I am? Do
you know who I am?
Speaker 4 (43:19):
I'm not moving my nail appointment for you.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
And if you don't know who I am, let me
just tell you who I am. Can I say it
when I tell Shiryl? Oh my god, that's hilarious. Did
you really ask me to move my nail appointment so
I could come? Do you know a couple of things.
I don't care who you are, it's a couple of things.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
You never asked a woman to change her hair appointment
or her nail appointment, sobolutely, but I'm proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4 (43:48):
Because, yeah, you know me, and I wouldn't be like, well,
let me see, let me take and see.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
Let me check and see if I got free off Friday. No,
this time, I was like, absolutely, I could have moved
mynother appointment, but absolutely not. That's crazy. How about that? Anyway?
Speaker 4 (44:08):
I just knew that you would find out other because
I literally was like, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
Love it this way.
Speaker 4 (44:15):
Sis, please go ahead and get us up pointing out here,
because I know you're gonna level us up with something good.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
Listen. This isn't a quote. Maybe it is. It's not
a quote. It's just something that I feel like we
need to here with.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
I just think all of us are going through something
with with this climate that we're living in today, Sis,
and we need to to put our trust in our
faith in a in a higher being, whoever you call
a higher being for me.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
That's that's God. Same.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
So it says, and I sorry, I have to say
this because I've been going through some stuff and I
sit and I question.
Speaker 2 (44:58):
I'm like God, why, And I found this.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
It says God will literally sit you down and break
you to humble you, then will isolate you to build you,
then give you back everything ten times to prove to
you he's real and everything is for a reason.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Keep your trust in him. Mm hm hmm. It's hard
right now. It is hard to sit down and just
it's hard. It's hard.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
So I hope I hope that resonates with somebody that
might be, you know, questioning whatever going through something dealing
with something, just keep your trust in him.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
I love that that great way.
Speaker 4 (45:49):
I needed that as well, and that is a great
way to end this episode of Levels to This. So
you guys keep keep hanging with us now, and we
appreciate each and every one of you that continue to
listen to our show.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
If you have not yet, please leave.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
Us a review in the Apple Podcasts.
Speaker 2 (46:09):
We read the reviews. We love it.
Speaker 4 (46:11):
We absolutely love when you guys leave us messages, or
you can definitely email us at Levels to This Podcast
at gmail dot com and tell us what you.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
Thought of this this week's show.
Speaker 4 (46:20):
Follow us on Instagram at lttpot and remember, keep your
mentals ground level and we will be back next week.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (46:33):
Listen to Levels to This on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
Open your free iHeart app and search Levels to This
with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster Brasby and start listening.
Levels to This is an iHeart women's sports production in
partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
You can find us on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
App, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Hey, what's going on y'all?
Speaker 3 (00:17):
As your girl?
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Trika Foster Brasby, what's up y'all? Is your girl? Cheryl
Swoops And this is the levels to this podcast.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
This is the show where we talk about the different
levels to the ship that women go through. And Honey,
we will absolutely be talking about shit that women go
through on today's show because today's show is really one
that I think we both need it in many aspects.
So I'm really excited about the guests that we're gonna
(00:45):
have on today. She's a sol war of ours. I
never get tired of saying that.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
You don't realize that. I never get tired of.
Speaker 4 (00:58):
My God, I don't get tired of say but anyway, Sheryl,
how's your weekend?
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Amazing? Amazing?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
My grand baby is two months old. Now, he's getting
so big. He's trying. He thinks he can talk. I
just I just sit and I play with him, have
conversations and I get the whole baby.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Hey, but you know what I mean, uh Tea.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
I just every day when I see him, I just
think back to when I was playing and I was
carrying Jordan, and I told somebody the other day, I said,
I can't believe my son has a son, Like wow, just.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy week. My week has been fantastic.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
I went to Indianapolis this weekend so I could go
see the Colts play, so I saw my football team play,
and then the very next day I went to see wrestling.
So I had like an incredible week. I missed all
of the game one stuff. I told y'all I was watching.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
We weren't expecting to see you.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
I didn't, but but I caught up. I was on
it for game twos. I'll be on it for the
rest of the week. So I'm good. I'm excited. I
think that that's just sometimes what we need. Like sometimes
with us being in the basketball space, you gotta take
moments away from basketball, right, Like I don't spend every
(02:19):
day all day thinking about basketball, thinking about the WNBA,
Like I have to find time to do other things
that bring me joy and make me happy. And this
weekend was a weekend where I was like I know
the playoffs is starting. I know everybody gonna be following
me for playoff takes and stuff, But like, I need
a moment where I'm not worried about basketball, where I'm
(02:40):
just enjoying being, where I am enjoying hobbies and things
that I love that don't have nothing to.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Do with work. I'll catch back up with everything later
on in the week.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Because it'll still be there, you know. And it's okay
to take a break from what you do all the time. Yes,
I love the saying of b where you're feet are right,
just be present in that moment.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
So yes, and it's easy to catch up on you.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
You will? You did?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Did you miss a lot? I ain't missing.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Miss the Phoenix.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
We won't talk about it, but Phoenix in a New
York Phoenix, Phoenix like that will slip away.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I'm sair.
Speaker 4 (03:18):
Yeah, I caught up, like I rewatched it. I recorded
all the games on YouTube TV, so I watched it,
so I saw it. But you're right, I didn't really
miss anything. But I think that plays perfectly into what
our topic is this week, and that's creating boundaries and
setting boundaries. And I had to mark in my calendar,
y'all leave me alone on Saturdays and Sunday and Monday
(03:39):
because I'm gonna be busy, and so it's just a
perfect segue into what we are going to be discussing today.
So today we have on the show marriage family therapist
Sharna Wilson, who is incredible and I am so.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Excited to talk to her.
Speaker 4 (03:55):
So without further ado, let's go into the next level. Okay, So,
I know, like we always have guests that we're cool
(04:17):
with or friends with, or passionate with and all that
good stuff, but today feels very very different and very
very special, Cheryl, because not only is our guests a
sol roar, so we both have a connection in that way.
But I know, right, but I have known this person
(04:37):
since twenty ten and it's twenty twenty five now, right,
So that's what fifteen years. And at no point in
twenty ten did I think, no, feel, nothing like nothing
would have told me in twenty ten that this woman
would be one of the closest, most supportive, most intelligent
(05:01):
people that I could ever have in my circle. And
so I am incredibly honored to have Shanna Wilson MFT
SHEEO extraordinaire.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Graphic designer.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
Just literally there is an event planner, creative everything, Like,
there's not a single thing that this woman can do
or can't touch that can't be great and won't be
great when she's done. So I'm incredibly excited to have
her on the show today.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
So welcome Sharna.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Thank you. Don't be trying to make me cry. I
don't appreciate you, and I've been.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Every word of it. I've been every word of it.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Ah, I am happy to be here, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Welcome sorrow, of course.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
And.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Thank you sorrowy facts.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
See, we extra y'all should have never made us both,
as she rose, because it's about to be a mess,
this whole show. So okay, so listen, charl and I
were having a conversation offline, and we were talking about
how we both have to do a better job of
(06:11):
creating boundaries, and we have to do a better job
of just being present, being in the moment and not
allowing folks to pull us in different directions.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
And I said to her, I had this same.
Speaker 4 (06:24):
Issue and I still do have to get my shit
together from time to time. But I said, the person
who helped me the most with understanding that I need
to create healthy boundaries for myself is my girl, Sharna,
and that is why we absolutely had to have you
on the show today to kind of talk about this
(06:45):
subject and why it's so important for us, especially as
black women, to create and set healthy boundaries. So before
I get too deep, can we start with just you
telling us or telling our listeners a little bit more
about you and what you do.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
As an MFT as an MFT. Okay, thank you for specifying,
but you did let them know I'll be doing a lot.
But as an MFC.
Speaker 5 (07:13):
As an NFT, I am a marriage and family therapist,
I am a holistic certified holistic marriage and family therapist,
So I tap into emotions and experiences that's super specific
to my modality what I like to do, and just
you know, our emotions guide everything that we do. Some
(07:34):
people don't believe that, but I fully believe that we
feel and how we feel indicates how we start thinking
and how we start acting. So it's super important to
make sure that we don't push our emotions down and
try to pretend like we don't feel how we feel,
or you know, just let that happen so you gonna
feel how you feel.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
You hear it all the time. Oh, you're entitled to
feel how you feel? What are you do? People really
let you feel how you feel, not all the time.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
So it's important that you give you space to feel
how you're gonna feel, and then you decide how you're
gonna respond after you have felt it, because if you
try to respond, act and without going through those feelings first,
you're likely to make a poor judgment call, and then
you have to apologize and redo and regroup and all
of that. When you just do it from the beginning.
If you do it first, you don't have to ask
(08:21):
for forgiveness for it later.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Incredibly fair, Chary looked like she's struggle her first of all.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Tea, you know, I'm an emotional person, and Seanna, you
just said so much in that little short span of
time you were talking. But I feel not I feel
because I shouldn't even say but but as a black woman, though,
(08:48):
I just feel like we struggle with that, right, like
just letting our emotions out because we know people are
going to judge us, they're gonna look at us differently,
and again, just as a black woman, we're held to
a completely different standard than our counterparts. So what advice
(09:09):
do you have for someone that's like, Listen, I'm struggling
emotionally right now with whatever those emotions are, and I
don't know what to.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Do with it because I go through that all the time.
Speaker 5 (09:27):
Well, as a therapist, I'm going to advocate for therapy.
I'm absolutely going to advocate for finding a neutral party
who is completely invested in you and is making space
for you and your feelings and your thought process and
spending time with them on a regular basis. Our friends
are great, our family members are great, but they're always
(09:47):
going to be biased. And it's not because they.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Don't, you know, care, they don't want to be like
I have.
Speaker 5 (09:53):
To explain that to my family and my friends all
the time. So you know we've had that conversation. I'm
gonna be us as unb as I can, but I
know you, and I know you from a personal place.
So while as a therapist, I know that what the
most important thing is is for you to come to
a conclusion about how you want to deal with your situation.
(10:16):
As your friend, I really want you to do it
this way. I really want you to choose this. But
a therapist, they are their job is to help you
come to your own conclusions, not to put conclusions.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
In your mind.
Speaker 5 (10:30):
So as far as being black women in these places
of power, in these places where they don't necessarily accept us,
where we're the angry black woman, where we're the aggressive
black women, where ooh, you don't want to say too
much cause she gonna pop off, or ooh, better not
touch her hair before she get an attitude, like in
those situations, in those spaces, what I can recommend most
(10:51):
is something that I got from a cousin.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
He used to say all the time that my rage
is not free.
Speaker 5 (10:57):
My rage is not free. So think about what you
want to give them. You are the first person that
needs to benefit from whatever emotional experience you're having. You
don't have to share that with anybody. So find a corner,
go to the car, go to the restroom, feel, always feel,
(11:19):
and then you can go back out and give them
what they need. Like I need a moment, you know,
turn that camera off if it's a virtual call, quick moment,
turn it off, roll your eyes, fix your face, come back,
and then business as usual.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
But it doesn't mean that you don't you don't deserve
those moments.
Speaker 5 (11:37):
You just don't have to have those moments in front
of them because they don't deserve your moments.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
I honestly love that my rage is not free for real,
and like I need to really adapt that, like because
I'll be ready to pop off on everybody's social.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Media can get these hands. People on zoom can get this.
Speaker 4 (11:57):
Work, everybody can get this work right. Everybody don't deserve
this work for free. You're right, So let me let
me go ahead and figure out how to check, how
to check those how to check those moments where it
doesn't necessarily need to be in front of everyone. And
I think part of that honestly rolls into the whole
(12:17):
idea and concept of boundary setting, right, because maybe you know,
I feel like there are definitely moments where I allow
people to be in my space and I allow myself
to be more accessible than necessary to even get me
to those points and get me to those moments where
you are you're now doing having me do too much
(12:37):
or making me feel like you're doing too much. And
so I guess my first question is, like, what does
a healthy boundary even look like? Like, like, I know
there's a difference between setting a boundary and then like
being avoidant, and I'm never trying to be like avoidant,
Like I don't want to avoid you. But maybe there
is a misconception of what a healthy boundary actually looks
(12:59):
like and so, so is there any way you can
provide some insight on that.
Speaker 5 (13:02):
Okay, so a healthy boundary and I'm giving you what
resonates with me. I'm not going to no dictionaries off
of this right now. But for me, when I am
setting a healthy boundary, I have to look at my expectations,
my expectations of myself, my expectations of others. When I'm
(13:24):
setting a boundary, can I realistically expect the results I'm
looking for? And if not, then maybe I need to
make an adjustment. So if I'm saying, Okay, my healthy
boundary is everybody can't have all of my time, I
gotta be realistic about what time I am gonna let
them have.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Though I can't.
Speaker 5 (13:43):
Say, look, you can't get me, but between twelve noon
and two pm Monday through Friday?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Is that realistic?
Speaker 5 (13:51):
Is that really realistic? Are people going to actually be
able to respect that boundary? And if you set that
up with that limited about don't you might end up
being bombarded between those two hours because now people are
trying to get you, get to get you. So just
make sure you're being realistic about what you're setting and
what you're doing, and just being consistent. The consistency is
(14:14):
gonna be key when it comes to setting a realistic boundaries.
If you say, all right, these are my office hours,
and those office hours is changing based off of the
way the sun rose and the way the sunset that day.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
People don't know how to you know, really respect it.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
It's like, okay, well yesterday it was three to five,
today is four to six. To borrow it like, and
they never know when they can or what they can do, how.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
They're supposed to respect the boundary.
Speaker 5 (14:42):
Then it does start to look avoidant or people start
avoiding you, and now nothing's getting done.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
I'm over here taking that fair.
Speaker 4 (14:50):
I'm sorry, that's totally fair, because I'm that person.
Speaker 5 (14:57):
Listen, write it down, put it on the mirror.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Right, that's a boundary I'm steady working on. Yeah, you know,
it's it's hard.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
We talk about it a lot, and T and I
we've had this conversation where and I tell myself, right,
I'm like Okay, I am going to set boundaries for whatever, X,
Y and Z.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
It's it's my choice.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
I need boundaries because I feel like I'm constantly being
pulled in so many different directions that I don't.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Have time or take time for me.
Speaker 6 (15:35):
And in knowing that and saying that, I do feel
guilty at times because when I do say no, and
I'm like, listen, no, then I go back and I
think about it.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
I'm like, could I have really done that this one time?
So like, what advice would you give someone who is
struggling with that setting the boundaries and then feeling guilty
for sticking to the boundaries.
Speaker 5 (16:06):
Okay, so this one yet I love to pull from
other people. This is one I got from my mother.
I was struggling with keeping up with a certain standard
I had set for myself. I was trying to get
my blog entries in and I needed them to go
out at a certain time on a certain day every
single time. And I was stressed. Girl, it was too
much going on. And she said to me, they're your rules.
(16:29):
Why can't you just change them.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
You get to change your own rules. You get to
change your rules to suit you.
Speaker 5 (16:36):
They are your boundaries and you can adjust them as
you see fit.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
I'm just a.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
Firm believer in the over communication part. So if you decide,
like the example you gave, you know, could I have
done it this one time? The answer is yes. Just
make sure the person you're doing it for understandings that
you are making an exception to your rule so that
they don't think that this is now the new norm.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
So I've it.
Speaker 5 (17:00):
It's like, okay, listen, I need you to understand I'm
about to be in this kind of mode and I'm
gonna make some flexibilities. But understand, this is not my norm.
This is a special circumstance. So I'm honoring the fact
that you need me. I want to be there for you,
and I'm making a special adjustment for this circumstance. Just
understand this might not be the norm. And I know
that that's easier said than done, especially if you're dealing
(17:22):
with feelings of guilt for you know, respecting yourself and
honoring yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Because I'm just gonna call it what it is. That's
what you're doing.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
You feel guilty about taking time for you because everybody
needs you. It's another black woman complex. It's another black
woman complex. We have having to take care of everybody
and everything, and we end up pouring from that was
last two drops in our cup because we one got
but two left and we still pulling little pieces off
to give to other people.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
But you got to replenish. You have to, and everybody
knows it.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
They know it.
Speaker 5 (17:53):
So if they can't accept that you need time, then
that's a relationship you need to read valuate. It doesn't
mean that necessarily you need to end it, but maybe
more conversations need to be had, maybe you know, more
information needs to be given. It just depends on who
it is. I know, I'm I'm an over communicator. I
know tea could be like this too, where we tell
(18:14):
everybody what we got going on.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Well, I actually got this, this, this, this, and this.
Speaker 5 (18:19):
And it's not to brag or to make it seem
like what we got going on is more important than
what other people have going on, but it's just giving
you a full picture, letting you see, Okay, I'm gonna
find a space for you, but my mental process is
to call out everything else so I can figure out who.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
I'm gonna fit you win, because I intend to fit
you in, but I gotta go through it.
Speaker 5 (18:38):
I gotta see everything on the list, and I'm just
sharing because I thought this was a safe place where
I could share and so but if they can't accept that,
then okay, maybe I don't need to share as much
with this person. Maybe I need to have a different
type of conversation with that person. It's just the communication.
Communication is key in every relationship, every situation. Making sure
people know. I am a firm believer that closed mouths
(18:59):
don't get it fed. I do not expect anybody to
treat me any kind of way or do anything for
me if I have not communicated with them.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
How you know you standing on my foot?
Speaker 5 (19:09):
If I'm not saying out and telling you there, you
don't know you are messing with my boundaries because I
haven't told you.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
I didn't tell you.
Speaker 5 (19:17):
You just standing there minding your business, and you don't
know my foot is under yours. And we as people
have a tendency to think, well they should know, or
well why don't they know? You not in that person's mind,
they got a lot of stuff going off of them too,
so they may not realize that they're invading or not
not being considerate.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
But if I tell you, you're not being considerate of me,
and you do it again. We got a different problem.
Now that's a different problem. That's a different problem.
Speaker 5 (19:42):
Now you disrespecting me intentionally because I already told you
what the deal was. But if I didn't tell you,
I don't expect you to know. And that's that's a
mean thing. I know people find me, you know, like
how should do that? But really, if I didn't tell you,
I don't expect you to know anything. Do not expect
you to know because I didn't tell you, So I'm
gonna tell you.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
I have that same I have that same issue sometimes too, though,
because it's one of the reasons why I see people
post this all the time and it gets on my nerves.
I think I talked about this before two Shod and
they say, I'm not going to tell you what you
did because people know what.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
They were doing, and I'm like, no, no, they don't.
Everybody don't know what they be doing.
Speaker 7 (20:17):
Like I pissed you off, but I ain't. No I
pissed you off because you ain't tell me that I
pissed you off. You just assume that I do that
I did or said something. I don't even know what
I did or said.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
Like it could have been a regular Tuesday for me
and you out here mad for three months, Like right.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
You don't know what I did?
Speaker 4 (20:33):
Girl, tell me what happened, So that that is truly
a thing that like we really do have to deal with.
But you hit on something when you said feeling guilty,
because I go through that often. I feel so bad
when I can't. And that's probably our given spirit. We
want to be there for everybody. We want to do
everything for everybody, and I feel so bad after I
(20:56):
have to tell somebody no, or after I'm like nah,
I can't do that, or and in our business, our
schedules change so often, like we don't have the level
of flexibility. So like one of the boundaries that I
said is being a soar being the president of my chapter.
People are always coming to me for everything, And part
(21:18):
of this is my fault because I have made myself
so accessible and so available that you can text me
when you have a question, you can call me, if
you need something, you can hit me up like it's
one of those things and intatoot my own horn. I
have gone out of my way to make sure that
I know everything about everything because I like to be
a form, so they know that they can come to
(21:38):
me and ask me about almost anything and I'll have
an answer. The problem is, as the career continues to grow,
as the schedule continues to get busy, you can't text
me now all the time like you used to. You
can't hit me up anytime like you used to, And
so because I don't have consistent every single day, I'm
(21:59):
free from this time. This time, what I'm now doing
is saying, hey, if you want to hit me, go
to my calendar, look at my availability, and schedule time
to talk to me.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
I'm not being a bitch, I'm not being funny.
Speaker 4 (22:13):
I just genuinely cannot just randomly have these conversations anymore,
and so it is difficult.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
It feels difficult for people to.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
Respect that boundary because whenever I still get somebody to
text me something, my first response is to answer what
they asking me instead of saying my calendar, Hey, you
need to go ahead to my calendar and schedule some time, right,
and schedule some time. So my question ultimately is what
can we do better to actually stick to the boundaries
(22:49):
that we set, because it's so easy sometimes to be like, well,
let me just go ahead and answer this question, or
let me just go ahead and do blah blah blah blah.
And it's like, I'm not making it easy for these
people to respect that's what I'm asking them to respect,
because I ain't even respecting what I'm asking them to
And it's not intentional.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
It's just a guilt.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
I feel bad if I don't do it.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
It's deep. I know it's a lot.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
I'm for my words here, So I don't cut you
out because you don't need that.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Cut me out.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Ye're done, do that, I will do it. You don't.
You don't need that right now.
Speaker 5 (23:25):
Acknowledging what you're saying about feeling guilty and acknowledging what
you're saying about not making it easier for them to
respect your boundaries. That's really what it boils down to.
That word I use before, consistency. Think about it the
same way you think about a diet or a workout regiment.
You know, if you don't get up at five am
(23:48):
and go to that gym five days a week, you
not gonna get the results you want. You know, if
you don't cut them carbs or reduce that you know,
does sugar intake, you're not going to get the results.
And what do you do when you have those situations?
Do you go get to tell of ice cream? Do
you skip Jim Day? No, you don't. You talk yourself
(24:08):
into doing what you said you were gonna do so
you can remain consistent.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
And the same thing is true with setting your boundaries. Yes,
it might be easier to just go ahead and respond.
Yes it might be, And I hear that all the
time from people. It's like, but the easiest, the easier
thing for me is to just go ahead and respond
to get out the way.
Speaker 5 (24:27):
But you not teaching these people how to fish. You
giving men to fish instead of teaching them how to
fish and teaching them how to be self sufficient. So
the honest is on you. You got to own it.
If you don't enforce your own boundaries, you cannot expect
anybody else to be able to do it.
Speaker 3 (24:43):
You can't like ooh, I know te know the answer.
Speaker 5 (24:47):
I know she not the treasurer, but she know the
answer to this financial question. I know she not the
community service chair, but she know what the date is
and she responds faster, let me just do it. That's exact,
Girl's exactly is exactly what it is I know that
the easiest way for me to get the answer I want.
They're like, like, okay, let me not, let me not ramble.
I always think, remember mind people that we are grown children,
(25:11):
So think about a toddler. Think about a little kid.
They know what they want. They gonna badger you until
they get it right, and you gotta tell them no
one hundred times because that one on one they gonna
do it. We don't change when we become adults. We
just figure out that easier ways for us to get
what we want. We still gonna test those limits. She
said not to text her, but you know that's one
(25:33):
to text here now, I mean she'll see it when
she see it, not realize.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Yeah, just this one time, I'm gonna just you know,
I'm gonna.
Speaker 5 (25:40):
Send that email at three o'clock in the morning. Then
you know, she'll just see it when she wake up.
They'll know you up at three fifteen and you saw
it at three fifteen, and now you're replying, oh I did.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
I just thought you did.
Speaker 5 (25:52):
You don't keep the same hours, right, we all keep
these different hours. I had a whole email threat conversation
with somebody at four am, and she was like, why
are you awake? Because my mind doesn't sleep, so I'm awaken.
Now I'm replying so because I'm up. But you know,
just you gotta do it.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
If it means scheduling.
Speaker 5 (26:09):
The text, scheduling the email, having an auto reply, whatever
it is, that's going to make it easier for you
to keep your boundaries the way you said you wanted
them to be, because again they're yours. You created them. Enforcement, consistency,
all those words, just to say those two enforcement and consistence.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
That is on us, like we we do allow that
to happen. So here's a question I have for you.
I'm really good at setting mails boundaries with like friends
and even family. I try to set certain boundaries with
my spouse and it don't go so good.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Your faith sends it all my advice, That's all I'm
gonna say. Advice setman ain't listening well because.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Example, right like he has his schedule, I have my schedule,
and he knows on certain days this is what I'm doing,
even on days when it's like my just my meantime
and I get the babe, I know it's.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Your day and your U time, But.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Can you do X, Y and Z for me and
instead of me being like no, I'm like all right, sure,
but I'm doing it with an attitude and I don't
want to be that person.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
I need advice.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
You need to say no.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
But that's easier said than done.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
It's easier, I mean.
Speaker 5 (27:40):
It, absolutely, It is absolutely easier said than done.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
But I can't do it for you. You asked for advice,
and that's what I can give.
Speaker 5 (27:52):
At the end of the day, you gotta take it,
and you gotta do it because it's you gotta.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
I have this thing about pain because I was just
talking to somebody about it. I have.
Speaker 5 (28:04):
You know, I have tattoos. I have, so there's pain
that's involved in that process. I don't have the right
to cry. I tell myself, I don't have the right
to cry while I'm getting a tattoo because it's self inflicted.
I decided I wanted that, so I need to endure
what I said I was going to endure. Now, if
I go to the doctor's office and they tell me
gow to have a procedure and I ain't asked for
(28:24):
that procedure.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Or I'm a cry, I'm a holler, I'm a hoop.
Speaker 5 (28:27):
Bringing me two three nurses so I can squeeze they
hands and do that.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
Because I didn't ask for that.
Speaker 5 (28:31):
That's not something that I said I wanted, but you're
telling me I need it, so I inflicted. So if
you are going to tell him yes, why do you
deserve to have an attitude? You chose to say yes.
You could have said no. So if you're gonna agree,
you need to agree with a smile because you don't
have to agree. It's not your fault. Like he even
(28:56):
prefaced it for you. I know this your time, you're.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
Supposed to be doing this, but I need this. Do
you think you could? Why do you get to have
an attitude you're gonna say yes?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Just say no.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
I'm gonna tell you one better. He already know you
have the right to say no. That's why he prefaced
it the way that he did. He knows that you
are well within your right.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
To tell him hell dada nah, but he.
Speaker 3 (29:23):
Doesn't expect you to because you never do Yeah.
Speaker 4 (29:26):
I was just about to say, he sounded like somebody else.
I know he asking you because you never say no.
And that's why he gonna keep saying yeah, because he
know you don't never say no.
Speaker 5 (29:38):
M All right, I gotta work on and I'm not
saying it needs to be abrupt. I think that the
way you could kind of soften it is maybe just
you don't kind of have a conversation, like babe. I
know I've been saying yes a lot, but I'm working
on my boundaries and I'm working on making sure that
I can do things in a way that's healthier for me.
So I'm about to start trying to say no. So
(30:00):
understand that my nose. It's not an I hate you.
It doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean
that I don't care. But it's me working on a
boundary and I need to practice with you because I
already know how you feel about me. I need to
get better with the people who don't care about me.
So if I can enforce my boundaries better with people
who do care, it's gonna make astronomical leaps with the
(30:23):
people who don't care about me. I gotta get better
here so I can do there.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Okay for you, m.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
That's really good. I'm a listen to this back so
I can say that's to Greg.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Greg, I cannot go to the Doye cleaners today. Only
you know what's crazy.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
The only day that I can get people to respect
my boundary with no questions asked is some days during
NFL season. And you were absolutely correct that that comes
with consistency, because nobody and they Mama, no, Dad, come
football Sunday. Don't ask me to do shit. I ain't
(31:04):
got nothing for you. I'm not going nowhere. I'm not
able to come to your event. I am not able
to speak at your nothing. If you got a meeting,
I'm sorry, it better be between the end of the
four o'clock game and the start of Sunday night football.
Otherwise I can't make it. And everybody knows this, and
you you are right because consistent you've been communting with
(31:29):
communicating that yeap, yeap, And I absolutely say no, Hey,
can you come at three three fifteen?
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Oh no, I ain't gonna be able to make that.
Nah the coach. I can't do that. I can't make it.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
No, I'm good. It's with this, you can.
Speaker 5 (31:51):
Just I just be watching for you on social because
I know when I just lie to a message, I know.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
You do one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
They tagging me, you better tag me at eleven fifty
nine because I'm telling you at twelve o'clock. I'm watching pregame.
I ain't got shit for you, bro, nothing, cur you
stupid nothing.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
I'm so serious.
Speaker 4 (32:09):
Though it's been it's been awesome when we come back
because we got to take a quick short break. But
when we come back, we have a few more questions
for Sharna, and I got something funny for Suerol that
she's gonna laugh at. So stay with me, Sharona. One
(32:39):
thing that I have often wondered, and I would love
your perspective on this is the role that maybe cultural
and family dynamics play in boundary setting, Like as we're
growing up, there are certain things that especially in the
black household, it's certain things you can't say. It's certain
things you can't do. It's certain people that you can't
say no to, like my Mama's something I can't tell
(33:01):
my mama no like and granted it might be something
that I should, but it's like you can't.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
You can't say no to that. You can't you can't
do these things.
Speaker 4 (33:10):
And so often wonder in your expertise, like how much
does family dynamics and cultural upbringing, how much of a
role does that play? And being able to being able
to set healthy boundaries.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
When you're an adult, it.
Speaker 5 (33:26):
Definitely plays a significant role because we become conditioned and
in that conditioning, like you said, you can't say no,
you can't express this, you can't. Now, I'm gonna be
completely honest. I am an anomaly. I have been the
why girl my entire life. Do this why I'm talking
about from a small child.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Why.
Speaker 5 (33:48):
If I don't understand why, you're gonna get a lot
of reluctance from me. And it doesn't mean I have
to agree with the why. I just want to understand.
I want to understand.
Speaker 3 (33:57):
Why so because I said to, just because that's never
worked very well for me.
Speaker 5 (34:03):
But I do understand because you know, even in you know,
the black household I grew up in. Yeah, Mama said
do what you're supposed to do it, Daddy said, do what
you're supposed to do it. And so when it comes
to setting those boundaries in the future, because you do
do get conditioned, even down to giving hugs to people
that you don't necessarily want to, because you're not supposed
to turn down Auntie, uncle, Grandma's hugs and kids that
(34:24):
you're supposed to take those. And if you you know,
you don't like that, you might that might bleed over
into how you interact with other people and your autonomy
even over your own body. When you're trying to make
decisions with other people, you're reluctant to tell people no,
just depending on who they are to you. So it
really just becomes again therapy. Therapy is super helpful because
(34:47):
more communication, more conversations.
Speaker 3 (34:50):
You want to talk to people.
Speaker 5 (34:51):
About your wives and giving them you know what they
necessarily need to help respect those boundaries, and also understanding
that even if they don't, it doesn't mean that you're
not entitled to setting them. It just means it might
change the dynamic of the relationship. I know, I have
(35:13):
been very blessed with the mother that I have. She
is amazing. I have had times where I have had
to explain these are my feelings, these are the things,
and this is my why, and she listens to that
and she makes adjustments.
Speaker 3 (35:26):
So I'm very blessed to have that.
Speaker 5 (35:28):
But I do recognize that everybody doesn't have that, so
sometimes it becomes having to repeat it more times with
letting them know, listen, this doesn't mean I don't love you,
This doesn't mean that I don't want to.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
It just means that this is what my ability is,
and this is the.
Speaker 5 (35:43):
Only way I'm going to be able to in this situation,
and being willing to stick to those things. It is
okay for the dynamics of a relationship to change. It
is especially when you're now an adult. You're not a
little kid. They can't put you in time out. They
can't give you a whooping and send you to your room.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
They can't. They can't do those things.
Speaker 5 (36:02):
So an exercise I often do with my clients as
I ask them, what's the worst thing that could happen
if you say no? And then we talked through what
your options are. Okay, if the worst possible thing that
could happen is they cut you off, all right, how
do you feel about being cut off? What does that
mean for these other things? Okay? The best choice is
(36:24):
the one you can live with. The best choice for
you is the one you can live with. So if
you can't live with it, you gotta make a new choice.
But if you can, then it's the right choice for you.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
That's so good, that's very good, so good.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
I already have one last thing, and it's really it's
a question because I went through it and to you
and I talked about it a couple episodes ago, Searana,
What advice would you give someone who is struggling right now,
right saying I really need to set my boundaries, but
(36:59):
I I don't know where to start or where to begin.
What advice would you give someone on just beginning, like
where to start on setting their boundaries?
Speaker 5 (37:11):
Ideally, I would say go to therapy. That's that's my hashtag,
go to therapy. I'm always going to tell people they
should go to therapy to get that assistance. But if
that's not a realistic option for you, then take some
time to sit down and tell yourself what you want
your life to look like. Set up a scenario for yourself.
(37:32):
What does your perfect situation look like? Okay, how do
you get there? What can you do to contribute to
making that possible? Had that conversation with my sister recently, Hey,
what's the perfect work situation for you?
Speaker 3 (37:47):
ABCD?
Speaker 5 (37:48):
Okay, because you're an employee and not the boss, I'm
the boss, so you know when it comes to that,
whatever I want to happen, I can make happen. But
for her, she's not the boss, so it's like Okay,
you got ABC, and which of those things.
Speaker 3 (38:01):
Do you have control over? See? All right, start with C.
Speaker 5 (38:06):
Start making boundaries around see, and then start having conversations
with the people who can contribute to what you do
and don't have control over. So, if you're sitting at
home and you've got three kids, you've got two jobs,
what do you have control over? Do you have control
over bedtime? Can the kids go to bed thirty minutes
(38:27):
earlier so you can have thirty minutes to yourself to
help you think and sit down and make that list.
Start there. Start there, is you know, is the youngest
one getting up four or five times because they need water,
They need to help pop a wasphs dishes, they need
to put the toys away, do all that early dishes
already washed, toys already put away. It's bedtime, getting that bed.
(38:49):
So start with what you have control over, whatever you
have control over, because it's just gonna be the easiest
for you to work with, right if you can control it.
Speaker 3 (38:56):
Start there.
Speaker 5 (38:57):
They you know how they say with women when we
go through somethings, first thing we do is cut our hair,
because you know, we change our hair, change the color,
change the style, change something about it. But why because
we have control over that right. We can't control anything
else in our situation, but we can control the length
of our hair, the color of our hair, the style
of our hair. So we go to that same thing,
(39:17):
same thing. Start with what you got control over, and
then make gradual, gradual moves.
Speaker 3 (39:22):
Because we don't live in a we don't live in
a vacuum.
Speaker 5 (39:25):
We don't live in a vacuum. We are impacted by
other people, other situations, the world, society, all those things
impact us, and we have very little control, very little control.
So that can be overwhelming because lack of control, loss
of control can produce anxiety. In the calmest, most well
(39:48):
put together person, if they start to feel like they
lose and control of their situation, they're gonna start to
get angst. Just work with what you have control over,
those little things that work your way out, and then
find a therapist.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
I have to find a therapist.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
Bide a therapist. Oh my god, go to therapy.
Speaker 3 (40:11):
That's the hashtag, go to therapy.
Speaker 4 (40:15):
I absolutely love that, Sharna. You've been such a blast
to talk to. Man I just I absolutely love this conversation.
Everything that we've done and had it's the bomb. Please
tell the people where they can find you if they
want to reach out to you, if they want to
learn more about what you do, if they want to
contact you for your many services.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Please tell the people where they can find you.
Speaker 3 (40:39):
So I am on all social media handles.
Speaker 5 (40:41):
I got Facebook, well not TikTok me and TikTok got
an interest in relationship.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
So don't look for me there, young ones. I know
y'all love it there.
Speaker 5 (40:49):
I do not, sorry, but I am on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
and LinkedIn. Those are my social handle. It's Embracing Emotion.
You look up Embracing Emotion, you can find me.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
I have a.
Speaker 5 (41:03):
Psychology Today profile. You look up my name, I'm there.
And then I have my blog website, Yes, Embracing emotionthblog
dot com that will link you to every platform you
can find me.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (41:20):
Well, thank you so much for spending some time with
me and spending some time with us and really like
helping us to get better at boundary setting. And I
promise I'm gonna do exactly what I said I was gonna.
I promise I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. So
I know that's what I'm saying, I ain't trying to
be in trouble. I'm sick of being in trouble. I'm
(41:40):
sick trouble.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (41:43):
But thank you so much for joining us. I told
y'all I had something funny for scherl. I'm gonna tell
y'all on the other side of the break, So stay
with us, and thank you again, Sharnas. I told you
(42:08):
that we were going to need this conversation, and I
absolutely needed this conversation.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
I don't think we can ever talk enough about just
creating your boundaries and sticking to them. That's one of
the toughest things for me, because I will and like
we talked about, I will say I am not doing X,
Y or Z or I'm only doing it under these circumstances,
(42:36):
but I can never.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Stick to it.
Speaker 1 (42:39):
I just appreciate Sharna sharing her wisdom and advice and
everything that she had to say. Sis was absolutely something
I needed to hear for sure.
Speaker 4 (42:50):
And remember I told you that I had something funny
that I was going to tell you did I did so.
I was I was getting ready to put something in
my calendar and somebody was asking me, my fine, I
can't listen, and they said, because you're about to crack up.
And I said, I said, no, I have a nail
appointment at this time, but if we can switch it out,
And they were like, well, is it possible that you
(43:11):
can move your nil appointment?
Speaker 3 (43:12):
And I said, do you know who I am? Do
you know who I am?
Speaker 4 (43:19):
I'm not moving my nail appointment for you.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
And if you don't know who I am, let me
just tell you who I am. Can I say it
when I tell Shiryl? Oh my god, that's hilarious. Did
you really ask me to move my nail appointment so
I could come? Do you know a couple of things.
I don't care who you are, it's a couple of things.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
You never asked a woman to change her hair appointment
or her nail appointment, sobolutely, but I'm proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4 (43:48):
Because, yeah, you know me, and I wouldn't be like, well,
let me see, let me take and see.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
Let me check and see if I got free off Friday. No,
this time, I was like, absolutely, I could have moved
mynother appointment, but absolutely not. That's crazy. How about that? Anyway?
Speaker 4 (44:08):
I just knew that you would find out other because
I literally was like, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
Love it this way.
Speaker 4 (44:15):
Sis, please go ahead and get us up pointing out here,
because I know you're gonna level us up with something good.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
Listen. This isn't a quote. Maybe it is. It's not
a quote. It's just something that I feel like we
need to here with.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
I just think all of us are going through something
with with this climate that we're living in today, Sis,
and we need to to put our trust in our
faith in a in a higher being, whoever you call
a higher being for me.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
That's that's God. Same.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
So it says, and I sorry, I have to say
this because I've been going through some stuff and I
sit and I question.
Speaker 2 (44:58):
I'm like God, why, And I found this.
Speaker 1 (45:02):
It says God will literally sit you down and break
you to humble you, then will isolate you to build you,
then give you back everything ten times to prove to
you he's real and everything is for a reason.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Keep your trust in him. Mm hm hmm. It's hard
right now. It is hard to sit down and just
it's hard. It's hard.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
So I hope I hope that resonates with somebody that
might be, you know, questioning whatever going through something dealing
with something, just keep your trust in him.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
I love that that great way.
Speaker 4 (45:49):
I needed that as well, and that is a great
way to end this episode of Levels to This. So
you guys keep keep hanging with us now, and we
appreciate each and every one of you that continue to
listen to our show.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
If you have not yet, please leave.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
Us a review in the Apple Podcasts.
Speaker 2 (46:09):
We read the reviews. We love it.
Speaker 4 (46:11):
We absolutely love when you guys leave us messages, or
you can definitely email us at Levels to This Podcast
at gmail dot com and tell us what you.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
Thought of this this week's show.
Speaker 4 (46:20):
Follow us on Instagram at lttpot and remember, keep your
mentals ground level and we will be back next week.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (46:33):
Listen to Levels to This on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
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with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster Brasby and start listening.
Hosts And Creators
Terrika Foster-Brasby
Sheryl Swoopes
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