January 9, 2025 • 46 mins
On this episode of Levels to This, Sheryl and Tee talk about what it means to set goals for themselves this new year. The two discuss societal pressures women face surrounding kids, careers and marriage and how to stay locked in on what matters to you.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Levels to This is an iHeart women's sports production in
partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find
us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Hey, everybody, what's going on? It's your girl, Tarrika Foster Brasby, what's.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Up, y'all? Is your girl?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Cheryl Swoops And this is the Levels to this podcast,
the show where we share that it's levels to the
shit that.
Speaker 4 (00:27):
Women go through.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Man, we've got a really great show lined up today.
But I realized that last week when we were talking,
I didn't get a chance to ask you, like, what
were you going to do for New Year's Eve?
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Like?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
What was your New Year's Eve plans? How did you
bring in twenty twenty five? Before we get off into
everything else, I gotta ask you, like.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
What did you do for twenty twenty five? How you
bring it in?
Speaker 3 (00:50):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (00:50):
So I'm going to share something real quick with you
that I find very hilarious. Okay, So I had this
young lady, she was in her twenties. Okay, say to me.
A couple days before New Year's Eve. I was at
the grocery store and it's a story I go to
all the time. I always try to go to her
register because she's a fun person, right, She's good at
(01:12):
her job all that.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
So we were talking.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I'm in line and I'm getting all this food and
she said, oh my gosh, I wish I had your life.
And I said, what are you talking about? She said,
because I could only imagine how much fun and celebrating
you're gonna do on New Year's Eve.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
So you're already laughing. I said, what makes you think that?
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Like, I'm gonna be kicking it and partying and celebrating
like that. So she was like, don't most celebrities like
really go out and do it big on New Year's Eve?
Speaker 3 (01:46):
I said, listen, celebrity or not. Boo boo. I'm fifty
three years old.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
I'm in the house.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
My celebrating is sitting at home in my PGS, having
me one glass and praying that I can stay awake
until midnight.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Ah See, I already knew what you were about to say.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
And she looked at me like, how boring.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
You've disappointed her show.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I did.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I surely did, so I'm probably gonna disappoint you and
everybody else is listening. I spent my New Year's Eve
with my husband in his man cave watching a movie.
And then at eleven forty five, we turned the movie
off and turn on television so we could do our
local little countdown and ball drop. And yeah, that was
(02:38):
my New Year's Eve?
Speaker 3 (02:39):
How about yours? Because I know you did some shit.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
That was a great New Year's Eve, though it was
for me.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
I loved it.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I didn't wake up with a hangover. I didn't have
any of that shit to worry.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
About, so it was that's.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
Great, complete opposite.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Oh already, no, already, no, do tell.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Don't play opposite, because I know he was in the streets. Girl,
my wretched ass was in somebody club dropping it like
it's hot.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Girl.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
I shouldn't have been.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
I should have been dropping it like it was high.
I might have felt better about myself the next day,
but I was.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
Instead. I stood in the.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Same place for most of this time and still had
a swoll ankle the next day.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
That's how I know I'm getting old.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I was like, wait a minute, ow, wait, what did
what just standing?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
So we went to this little club in downtown Hartford,
and mind you, I have literally been spending my New
Year's Eve at home too, Greg. It has to work,
right as a chef New Year's Eve, it's actually really
busy in a restaurant, so he has to work most
of the time. So when he gets off at like
maybe ten or eleven, hit tied.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Like the last couple of years.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
This man ain't even been awake for New Years. I've
been tapping him up down.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
You know. It's New Year's right, the New Year's here.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
So this year I hit up my saw Wars and
I said, I will not be in the house with
this man sleeping on me this year for New Years.
We going out, So we did a pregame at my house,
at my bar downstairs.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
It wasn't a lot of us. It was like maybe
five or six of us.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
We did like a pregame downstairs at my bar, and
then we left about ten thirty to go to the
club downtown. It was ladies free before eleven. I'm still
a ladies free kind of girl.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
So it's my type of club.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
I'm saying, So, yes, this is maybe the only time
I'm gonna be in this club because I don't do
clubs no more. I'm forty. Clubs is a little bit
too much for me. I'll do a bar, bar and grill,
hang out loud. Yeah exactly. But club clubs ain't really
my thing no more. But I said, it's New Year's
Eve and twenty twenty five was a year of celebration,
so I'm gonna do it. Girl went in there, got
(04:46):
me a bottle, had us a table, but it was
a standing table, so I ain' had no ceat.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
I had no seat.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
That's where you started off wrong, right, and you got
there before eleven so you could get it free. I
got there so you're already standing for a good hour
before midnight.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I was already standing for a good hour before it
even got to twelve.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
So that's when I would have been like, okay, deuces, okay.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
So I did good.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
I left at like twelve thirty, because again I understand,
I was there for a good time, not alone time.
Got twelve thirty, yeah, I hit the door. But where
I messed up, Cheryl is I was drinking tequila because
that's where everybody else was drinking.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
I don't drink tea.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Come on, now, you know what my boys shaboozie at
drink don't need know me?
Speaker 4 (05:35):
What the is?
Speaker 3 (05:37):
This? My bad? My bad?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Because I forgot who I was talking to because you're
gonna make me reminisce for one.
Speaker 4 (05:43):
Quick second, which is how I know that you know.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Yeah, my bad, my lad. Listen, y'all. I'm just gonna
share something with you because I feel like I can.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
You can't.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
So I love me some.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Tea like this one tea, Tarika. So I was in Connecticut,
right maybe last year? Was it Connecticut or were we
It was Connecticut? No, it was Connecticut because you swung
by the hotel picked me up, y'all. It was like
eleven o'clock, and I was like, well, I'm going to drink.
Why did my sister pull out the cooler from the
(06:16):
back seat full of liquor? Oh my gosh, listen, I
already had so much respect for you, but when you
did that, I said, oh no, she on a full
different level, different level.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
I legit carry a cooler in my back seat all
your long.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
So I don't know why I asked if you had tequila?
Speaker 4 (06:38):
Straight?
Speaker 3 (06:38):
I already knew the answer to that.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Yeah, long story short. I had a great time. It
was fun to bring in the new year with my sisters.
Speaker 4 (06:45):
It was great. But also, folks, friends, I'm forty. I'm
the oldest hill. I was sleepy by one o'clock.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I had a nice little headache the next day, and
my ankle was swollen, and I did nothing but sing
and stand there.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
So I know my max.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
And it's so funny because when I was like younger
in my twenties, girl, you couldn't keep me home on
New Year's Eve.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
I know. I spent almost every New Year's or every
other New Year in Las Vegas. Yeah, I was going
to turn up for real.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
And now I get excited to be in my house
and able to either get in my bed early or
get in my bed at twelve oh one.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
Yeah. See that's it.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
So I do have one question for you before we
take it to the next level.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Yes, So are you one of those that superstitious about
black eyed peas?
Speaker 4 (07:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (07:39):
For New Year's Yeah, I have black eyed peas, collar greens, cornbread.
I'm one of those who I had a dollar in
my pocket because you gotta have money in your pocket
on New Year's when it strikes twelve.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Yeah, wash house gotta be clean.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Yeah, I'm one of those one hundred percent koodo me
or black superstitions. Yeah, but you understand where the black
eyed peas can't understand where it.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Oh, I do.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I totally understood the whole story, tradition, all of that.
My thing is, I've never liked black eyed peas ah
okay ever, But can I tell you what might make
them better? You can, but I'm not gonna like them.
There's something about a black eyed pea that it ain't
for me.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
So I needed a bean.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
I know it was black eyed peas, but I did
red beans and race girl.
Speaker 4 (08:28):
That ain't the same.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
I had my collagrey though, I just I can't. The
black eyed peas just don't do it for me.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
Well, I mean, you got half of the prosperity, right.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Well, I'm just I'm claiming it. I'm just go claim
it without the black eyed peas. I had to fight
out a bill in my pocket, not a die. I
covered it a little.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Bit, big money right there, big money period.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
But listen, it was.
Speaker 3 (08:55):
A great new year for New Year's Eve, and looking
forward to.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Five has to bring absolutely and so it's because of
that that, in keeping with the theme and trend of
a new year that we kind of briefly touched on
this last episode and even the episode before that, it
is traditionally a time of year when people set new
goals for themselves. They do resolutions, which is great.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Me.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
I'm one who may have a bunch of stuff in
mind and by February first out of forgot half of
it because say whatever, say. But I also realize as
I get older that goal setting and resolutions it's not bad.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
The problem is we don't do them right.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Like we we confuse setting goal and by we I
mean women. Yeah, we confuse that sometimes with have to's,
and we start to put all this extra pressure on
ourselves to do stuff that we really don't have to do.
And so now now these things that we should want
to do feel more like jobs, feel more like if
(10:06):
we don't make a certain thing happen by a certain
day at a certain time.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
And when you really break.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
It down, we've been doing this shit our whole life,
like we have been conditioned to do this shit our
whole entire lives.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Yeah, we as women, We as women, and so no doubt,
it just feels like today is a good day for
us to set the record straight with ourselves and for
us to just tell all of our freedoms, fans.
Speaker 4 (10:33):
And each other cut that shit out.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
We don't have to put that kind of pressure on ourselves.
So today's episode is going to be focused on goal
setting and relieving the pressure. So let's go ahead and
take it to the next level.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
So this might be.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
Maybe a dumb question considering that you were an.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Athlete and questions obviously being that we all assume that
you put at the table this is what I gotta do.
And I think one of those things for an athlete is,
obviously when you play it in the professional league, your
goal is to win a championship every year.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
That's the goal. Win a championship every year. That's it.
That's it, that's it, which y'all did for the first floor.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
I mean shit, but I'm curious to know if there
was ever an instance in which you wanted to accomplish
something so much that you put so much pressure on
yourself to get this thing done and whatever that was,
did you or did you not do it?
Speaker 3 (11:35):
So we talked before we started recording you and I and.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
I just said this conversation today is one that even
I didn't realize I needed, but I do. So I'm
gonna tell you now because you always coming at me
for shedding tears, but I'm.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Probably gonna shed a few today because I.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Like, right now where I am in my life, I'm like,
what goals am I really trying.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
To achieve right now?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
And by that I mean for me, not what everybody
else is telling me I should do or thinks I
should be doing right now. So I'm in a space
t Honestly, I'm gonna be very vulnerable with you today, Kay.
Of course, I'm in a space right now where, honestly
I'm like, what the fuck, Like, where am I going?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Where am I headed? What's next for me?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
And some people may say, well, you're fifty three, so
y'ear old, right, And I'm like, I don't feel old,
but I feel like I'm at a point in my
life though, where.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
I'm not really sure.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
What's next for me, and I don't know if that's
good or if it's bad.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
But to answer your question, I put a.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Whole lot of pressure on myself when I was playing
and when I was pregnant, and that pressure wasn't just
to come back and be great and play basketball and
do the things that people saw me do or knew
me for as far as a basketball player, I put
pressure on myself to be the best mom and athlete
(13:19):
I could be because it hadn't really been done, at
least in women's basketball, and there was no one that
I could look at and say, oh, this is how
she did it. So for me being like the first
one to walk that path, but there were times where
I was like, shit, am I doing this right? Should
I stop doing all the things to be a great
(13:43):
basketball player and focus more on being a great mom.
There was a lot of guilt that came with that.
There was a lot of pressure I put on myself.
I don't know, like I don't have all the shit
figured out.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
I still don't. I did that and I still don't.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
But I do think we as women put that type
of pressure on ourselves when we're trying to figure out,
like our goals and what do we want to achieve
and what do we want to accomplish. Last thing, I'll say,
I took your advice our last episode.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
I think we talked about a vision board.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yes, and so for me, that vision board has really
put things into better perspective for me than actually just
writing down goals.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
If that makes yes, it does.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
It makes tons of sense, And you really hit on
so many different things because I had.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Already next out because it's gonna be one.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
It's gonna be one of them episodes. And that's cool,
Like I love that. I love that about us, that
we can be vulnerable and really just be honest about
where we are and what we're doing. And I always
do a lot of I'm a documentary nerdive research person.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
That's just my thing.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
And even before I thought that this would be a
great episode for us to do, I was already looking
and following this woman named Stacy Kim and she's a psychologist,
and so she was talking about some tips and some
things that we do as women as it relates the
goal setting that we could do better. And so one
of the things, and I really want to talk about
(15:09):
some of these things that she listed, but one of
the things that she did was she gave us some numbers.
And I looked at these numbers and I was like, boy,
when I think about the shit that I did at
this age, this is what our problem is. So you're
talking about being a mom. We have been conditioned to
think that as women, we gotta do shit when other
(15:30):
people think we need to do them. So depending on
your cultural background, or your family background or wherever, you are.
My mother was fifteen when she had me, sixteen when
she had my brother, nineteen when she had my younger sister,
and it just kept going and go. By twenty years old, woman,
you had three children, But you're looking at me at
the age of twenty three and saying, oh my god, Arrika,
(15:54):
when do you plan on having kids?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Ma'am, I'm twenty three.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Allow me to live, Allow me.
Speaker 4 (16:03):
To figure it out that in mind.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I looked at the average age of parenthood in twenty
twenty four, and according to the statistics, in twenty twenty four,
the average woman having her first child is twenty eight
years old. Then I continue to dig a little bit more,
and I said, how old are people getting married now?
Because that's another thing women get pressured to do. If
(16:27):
you ain't married by such and such age, you might
as well be a spinster out here.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
Industry. Okay, let's look.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
I did some more digging, and I see that the
average age of women getting married in twenty twenty four
is twenty eight years old, which is up from twenty
years old in the nineteen fifties. So as I'm starting
to look at these numbers, I'm looking at careers because
what's another thing. Oh my god, I'm thirty. I don't
have a career yet. I'm going through a midlife crisis.
Speaker 4 (16:55):
Look at the numbers.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
The average age of people actually settling into the careers
are between the ages of thirty five and forty one.
So it's okay to be young and not have it
figured out.
Speaker 4 (17:07):
So what does this make me think?
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Cheryl is like we spend too much time trying to
set goals based on what we think other people think
we should be doing, and not really paying attention to
what we should be doing. It's difficult when you think about,
like how do I set goals.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
For me or how do I do shit for me?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
When all I've been taught this whole time is what
everybody else think I'm supposed to be doing by a
certain time, by a certain age, when I get to
a certain place.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Like damn, what the fuck let me breathe?
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Twenty twenty five got to be a year we breathed?
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Is you said it?
Speaker 1 (17:44):
I think depending on like your cultural background and your
upbringing and the way you were raised, that puts a
lot of things into perspective, right, I said on the
last episode and talked about my son getting ready to
have a kid. He's twenty seven, so I'm not tripping
on the age.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
But she's twenty three, so I am tripping on the age. Right.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
So when you brought that up, I was just like wow,
because that was my first thought was you haven't lived.
Y'all haven't lived. And when you get ready to bring
a child into this world, I don't care what age
you are.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Shit changes. You go from.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Being first to last, yep, when a child comes into
the picture. But the thing that I really want us
as women, and not just Black women, women in general, Like,
I really want us to take charge of who we
are and being who we are the way we want
to be that yep, right, not the way society says
(18:46):
we should be, Not the way your parents say you
should be.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Like, we've got to get to a point to where
we're okay with it.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
If I choose not to get married until I'm fifty
years old, damn it, that's my choice.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
That's your choice.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Yes, maybe I haven't found the right person, And who
are you to tell me that I have to be
married by a certain age or else. The other thing
is you talk about the age where women have kids.
Maybe some women don't want to have kids, and that's
okay too.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Yep, it's okay to be childless cat ladies right right.
I know I'm not gonna go there. I'm not gonna
go there.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
But there's so much pressure that's put on us from society,
from even friends, right that says, here's who we have
to be, the way we have to be when we
have to be it, And no we don't, We.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Truly don't at all. And it's okay to be the
first to set a different trend in your family. For
everybody else in your family getting married at twenty two
to twenty three, maybe it's okay to wait till you
thirty five. You ain't got to follow the tradition. That's
how you break the cycle. It's okay to one absolutely
make the cycle. And so when I said earlier that
(20:04):
the reason why sometimes we don't meet our goals is
because we go sett and wrong. We go setting wrong,
We setting goals for the wrong thing. We look in
other people.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
We're setting the setting goal people our lives, yeah, other people.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
And based on other people's ideas or what we're supposed
to do or how we're supposed to act. We got
to cut that out So some of the things that
Stacy says that I truly love is one, pick one
goal to focus on, and then two, let that goal
be a want rather than I have to or I should,
And I love that that right that we can definitely
(20:40):
walk in chew gum at the same time. So that
doesn't necessarily mean we're incapable of having more than one goal,
but at the same time, the one that you focus on,
let that be your one, and then do smaller tasks
to get to that one goal. So you got long
term and short term, which makes sense. For example, my
(21:00):
goal was to buy a house. Little things I had
to do to make sure that I could do that,
save my money, pay down my debt, find a realtor,
cut back on shopping. But the ultimate goal was to
do this thing right. One of the things that stood
out to me she has seven of them. So one
was pick a goal and focus on it. Two would
start with want to rather than I have to or
I should. But this one was interesting to me. Focus
(21:24):
on yourself. You can't change the behaviors of other people,
and you can't make people see you and what you
want to do the way that.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
You want them to see you.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
You just got to let them do what they're doing
and be what they be in and feel how they feel.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
You focus on yourself.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Mind your own damn biausness, And so I think that
is such an important I'm telling you, like, the only
thing you can do is such your goals for you,
and if people ain't rocking with you, they ain't rocking
with you. Right. Number four she had which I just
touched on and recognized the difference between projects and tasks.
So big goal and then little things you need to
do to get big goal. And then five, which I
(22:03):
really love too, was set a check in point right,
hold yourself accountable, put a deadline on it.
Speaker 4 (22:10):
After a couple of weeks.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Number six, what I've been saying twenty twenty five is
celebrate your sixccess.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
Celebrate it right.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Instead of saying, oh, you know, I wanted to lose
fifty pounds, I only lost twenty five.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Since you lost twenty.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Five pounds, celebrated, celebrated, celebrate that shit.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
But this to me was the most important one of all.
Be flexible, abandon goals that don't serve you well.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
It's a lot of shit that looked dope in January.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I like that, and by the time you get to April,
you like, Yo, this really ain't it. That's part of
the focus on yourself. If something that you said you
want to do in January ain't really working out by April,
you ain't feeling it. It's not making you happy, it's
not serving your purpose. Don't be trying to do it
just for the sake of doing it.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Let that shit go just to have a conversation or
for it to be a good look. And that's why
t I think I got away from making my New
Year's resolutions because every year I was Okay, i'm gonna
work out, I'm gonna lose x amount of pounds, I'm
gonna do this, And I did it for the first month,
but then through traveling and just life right, I was
(23:27):
just like, shit, no, I'm done with that.
Speaker 3 (23:31):
But I also think.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
We put so much pressure on ourselves when we kind
of see what other people are doing. Your journey's different
from mine, and maybe what you're doing is working for you.
That doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong. Because
back to what number was it three three on yourself?
(23:53):
Focus on yourself, and that is what I think we
as women really need to dive into and really focus
on is just focusing on ourselves. I don't know whoever
said in life that when you get to a certain
age that you have your life figured out, because again,
I'm fifty three and I don't have it figured out.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
No, of course not.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
And what's interesting is we use the term midlife crisis
all the time. So I did a little bit of
digging on that too, and apparently the actual range of
midlife crisis happens between forty five and sixty. So I'm
sorry if you're listening and you're thirty and you think
you're going through a midlife crisis because you then graduated
from school with your degree and unfortunately you haven't found
(24:38):
a job of your career yet and now you're in
a one bedroom or.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
A studio apartment.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
In life is coming to an end unless you plan
on kicking the bucket naturally at sixty, sweetheart, you are
not in a midlife crisis.
Speaker 4 (24:49):
You are doing an average twenty nine thirty year old
person has to go through. It is great, it is.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Sorry, but usually it is said that midlife crisises usually
have happened between forty five and sixty after a significant
life change like a divorce, a retirement, a death of
a loved one, aging, something where you significantly shift because
you think you don't know your purpose. And I thought
(25:19):
that was interesting because I could totally understand someone who
had been a director for thirty years and at the
age of fifty five, they're no longer a director and
they've decided to retire, and now they're like, now, what
what is my purpose now? Like?
Speaker 4 (25:35):
How do I make an impact?
Speaker 2 (25:36):
It sounded good to retire, it sounded good to not work,
but like, now, what's my goal? What's my thing? I
could see that more than just I didn't make or
reach the societal norm that folks put upon me. And
because I didn't make it, I didn't reach it. I
didn't do that thing. Life is falling apart. Those are
(25:57):
not the same. And the thing about that is I
have to ask myself sometimes when I be going through this.
Speaker 3 (26:04):
Do men have to go through that shit?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Because while men have their own set of pressures, it
is very different than the set of societal pressures that
women have. You talked about the pressure that you felt
having to be an athlete and be a good mom.
Do you know how many daddy's in the NBA ain't
thought a damn sure thing about missing a birthday, missing
(26:29):
a Christmas, not being able. I'm sure they would love
to be there, but I don't see not a single
column being written or any of the think pieces coming
out about how they are terrible fathers because they have
to be in the NBA from October to June.
Speaker 4 (26:44):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
What it says is that they have to do their job.
They have to provide for their family.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
That's their job is to be a professional athlete. That's
your job, right, But uctually they can't be there.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
And spouses are expected to understand. Listen, that was the
person that you got with. When you got with them,
those pressures don't apply to men, So why the hell
do we keep letting those type of pressures rule and
feed our lives. The numbers are showing women are starting
to wise up a little bit and be like, I
ain't got a rush to do this.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Shit, because here's what happens a lot of times. Let's
just go back to the whole marriage thing.
Speaker 3 (27:21):
Lots of times when you.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Think you found the right one, and yes, it happens,
it works, But just say, I'm gonna use my son
and his girlfriend for an example, Right, my son is
twenty seven, she's twenty three.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Have they had a discussion about marriage? I don't know.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
Not with me. That ain't yours, mama.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
That ain't my business. That ain't my business.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
But so many times because of what society says, right,
you should be married before you have a child. And
I also know in the black culture, I know Bahama
was like, oh no, you're not about to lay up
with nobody and have a baby.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
You better get married hers all those things. But to me,
at the age.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Of twenty three and twenty seven, I don't think you've lived.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Also, do you really truly know what love is?
Speaker 1 (28:14):
It's a question I'm asking. I don't know, but to
say this is the person I want to marry. The
only reason why I bring that up is because I
went through a divorce. I got married when I was
really young, right, and I went through a divorce. Not
saying divorces don't happen to older couples, because they happen
all the time, but I would like to think that
(28:35):
the younger you get married, if you don't really truly
know each other, that's going to lead to a divorce
quicker than someone who's older. My husband and I we
were engaged for ten years. I remember you saying that, yeah,
and I just again, I go back to the stats
(28:57):
you brought up, and we just have to get out
of the old ways, in the old mindset of this
is who I have to be and what I should
have accomplished by the time I get a certain.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Age have to And when we come back on the
other side, I want to share a couple of things
that my girl has really laid out here that we
can do to help us get back on track when
we feel like we've slipped on our goals a little bit,
but also maybe how we can help each other to
stay out of that mindset of doing what society thinks
(29:35):
we should do instead of just doing what we like
to do.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
So we'll be right back after this.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Cheryl, Can I ask you if there is one I
guess you can say societal norm about women that people
say about us or place on us, or a pressure
that they put on us that you just if I
had an all time, I.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
Really hate that they say this about us. This is
that thing.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Oh yeah, you put me on the spot there because
I can. Okay, let me hear your two first.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
Okay, the first one that I have is about all women.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
I hate that people think women are soft, like women
are soft, Like we're supposed to be soft. So to
make that an insult is like, what the fuck does
that mean? We're supposed to be soft? Yeah, but I
don't mean like cute, cuddly sauce. I mean like the
we can't handle trials challenges, because what you mean or
(30:38):
if you're talking to a man and you'd be like, oh,
you putting up a girl?
Speaker 4 (30:41):
Like what the fuck that means?
Speaker 3 (30:42):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 4 (30:43):
I hate that. Yeah, And it's like one A and
one B.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
That leads me to number two, which is more for
black women, and that is that we're aggressive. Don't call
me aggressive because I don't take your bullshit because I
stand up for myself. Because I'm assertive because I learned
how to use the English lane which correctly, and I
use it for my benefit when necessary. That means I'm
aggressive and I'm angry.
Speaker 4 (31:07):
I don't like that. Those are my two.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
I hate that society has those stereotypes around us.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
I mean those are two good ones, because I would
definitely agree with you on that. I think one for
me is I just hate when men say, oh, she's
a woman, Like, I hate that because I'm like, what
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (31:27):
I am a woman, I'm gonna forever be a woman.
What is your point? Because there are.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Times where my husband and I are having a conversation
and sometimes he'll say, well, she's a woman, and I'm like,
what the fuck does that mean? Right? I am too,
So if you feel that way about her and she's
a woman, then you feel that way about me.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
And I think the other one for.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Me, tea would be And this is gonna take me
back to the election where we society doesn't feel like
a woman is capable of running a country.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Because there are a lot.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Of different reasons why Kama didn't win, but one that
I heard was, oh, my goodness, I would never vote
for a woman to lead.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
Us to run this country. And that bothers the shit
out of me.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Yeah, because I know for a fact there are women
out there in this world that are way better at.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
Running shit than men are.
Speaker 4 (32:27):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
But that's where we as women have to stand up
and hold our ground and say, listen, I am a woman,
proud to be one, but let me tell you why
I can do this job better than you.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Matter of fact, let me show you why I.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Can do this job better than you, not just tell
you my mom. You say I can show you better
than I can tell you.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Yeah, that reminds me of I forgot what podcasts I
was listening to, but someone had mentioned that women get
jobs based on their track record. They have to prove
that they can do it, whereas men get a job
or get an opportunity.
Speaker 4 (32:59):
Because I could see the potential in.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Here, I could see how much I could see you
look like the kind of guy who is going You're
going places, even in relationships, right, even in relationships, you
look at a woman and you be like, I want
to get with that woman because that woman got it
going on.
Speaker 4 (33:15):
She's got a great job, she's got a college education.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
You look at a man and you be like, yeah,
I know he only got a ged DA, he working
at McDonald's right now, but guess what, I could see
him going places. And then it's twenty years later and
you are here calling this man a bum, but you
saw him going place a twenty years ain't not wrong
with having a ged A or working at McDonald's.
Speaker 4 (33:38):
So I wasn't trying to play anybody out of it
off places. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
I'm just saying, be accepting of what you got in
front of you and talking about potential. But I bring
all that up because Stacey continues to talk about sometimes
women we set goals based on what we think is
achievable for us because people have already decided what's achievable
(34:02):
for women and what's not. Example, being president of the
United States. It has already been proven in other countries
that women can absolutely be world leaders, but for whatever reason,
in the United States, there is still this societal norm
that women can't be president because we've seen three women
try four technically, Shirley CHISHLM didn't make it, Hillary Clinton
(34:26):
didn't make it.
Speaker 4 (34:27):
Kamala Harris didn't make it.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
So some of the things that I love that she
says is that there are some really counterintuitive ways to
just get people out of your brink. You touched on
one of them. One of the things she says is
keeping it to yourself right. Sometimes you want to tell
people what it is that you want to do, and
you get those people around you who just aren't supportive.
Even esther, when she was like I was asking people,
(34:50):
should I quit my job? And they were all like, girl, no,
you crazy. If every single time you want to do
something and somebody is there behind you to try to
tell you don't do it, you know what, you need
to preserve your energy and sometimes it's just best to
keep that shit to yourself.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
No, you know what, Like it's cool.
Speaker 4 (35:12):
I don't really need to tell you.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
That. Don't mean I'm not gonna try and do this thing.
I'm just not gonna have these people bringing this negative
energy around me.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
And that is huge, right.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
If you have your little circle and I don't even
have a circle, they got mna have an art.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
You gotta have moved.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Yeah, because you gotta be careful with the people you
bring in that circle because lots of times those are
the people that will drag you down and bring you down.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
Because let's just keep it real.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
We talk about men not supporting us and having our
backs and all that, but Tea, as women, sometimes we
are our worst enemies. Say that shit again instead of
supporting each other, Tea, I don't want to see you succeed.
I'm gonna sit here and laugh with you right now
in your face, sit and encourage you and say yes, girl.
But as soon as I get at the door, let
(36:04):
me get on my phone, let me go tell these
people this crazy Shitterterrika talking over here.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
Girl, No she ain't about to do X Y and
Z y'all. I'm gonna be here with her. Let her
think she.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Can't or this one right here that sometimes we do,
and we're gonna talk about accountability. We gotta have accountability
for the shit that we do. Sometimes, not me and
Ryl personally, because we ain't fake like this, but it's
people who will hear your dream and hear your idea
and hear what you trying to do. And then the
next thing you know, they out here pursuing and doing
(36:37):
the same shit. And you say it on my time,
saying one my time, you had one more time, I
told you that I was about to get ready to
go jump on this opportunity. And the next thing I know,
you in the room trying to get on the opportunity
before me.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
What type of shit is that and acting like it
was your idea.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Now they're trying to gas like you, like you're crazy,
like you're making it up.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
As sad as that is.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
You gotta be very careful back to Stacey's points, Sometimes
you gotta keep shit to yourself because not everybody is
on your team.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
Sys that's facts.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Second thing she says when you gotta get back on
track with your goal is sometimes it's cool to double
down on doing nothing because a lot of times people
are making seem like, you know what, Oh, all she
was doing was over there standing in the corner, or
all she says she was doing was praying. You did right,
I said, I was praying. Like that's a doing nothing.
(37:31):
That's doing something. Meditation is something that's doing nothing. Maybe
I do need to go and take this walk around
the corner to get my mind and clear my mind.
Speaker 4 (37:41):
Maybe I do need to spend an extra ten minutes
in the shower because I need peace.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
It is okay for me to be making my moves
my way and you not fully see or understand why
I'm moving the way that I'm moving. And I'm one
who personally loves to tell folks when I'm doing something great,
and I don't do that to be braggadocious. I do
it because I feel like it's inspiring. There's some little
(38:06):
girl out there from the east side of Detroit who
never thought that she could be in a certain place,
and I want to be able to be like sis,
I came from the same place you came from.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
No doubt, believe me.
Speaker 4 (38:16):
We can do it and here's how.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
But sometimes you might not see me doing nothing, and
you'll be thinking to yourself. Girl Terrika's talking about she
finna do this, and that girl like did nothing. She
ain't posted nothing, she ain't seen nothing like let me
do nothing, because you don't know what my nothing looks like.
If my nothing is what's given me peace of mind
to move forward, let me do nothing.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
It's cool, it is, it is, Yes, it is, And
you know what, Sometimes it's okay to just sit in silence.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
That's it because you know what. I'm doing this for me,
not you, and right now this is what I need.
I need some meantime.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Now.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
In that meantime, you have no idea what I'm doing
or what I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Yeah, And the last thing that she says before we
had this out to get back on track is to
not assume defeat. And we touched on this earlier. Sometimes
we're not really focused on the right goal right. Sometimes
we confuse the process for the endgame. Sometimes we think
we have to do A, B and C in order
(39:27):
to get to D. Maybe doing A B and C
and how we get to D and instead of just saying, oh,
AB and C didn't work right, so I guess I'll
never get D.
Speaker 4 (39:36):
Switch it up.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
I get asked all the time from students who are like, T,
I want to get into sports journalism.
Speaker 4 (39:44):
I want to be on ESPN. How do I do that?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
And I'm like, in my head, the first thing I
think is, since I'm the wrong, want to ask, cause
I ain't got this shit figured out. I ain't one
hundred percent doing what I want to do just yet right,
the end game won't look the same. But what I
always end up telling folks when ask me that it's
just this is my process.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Yes, this is how I did it.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
How I did it and how you might do it
is totally different. That does not mean that you can't
do it. It's just it might look different for you
than different for me. So, if this is the end game,
these are the traditional steps, these are the steps I took.
You figure out what works best for you.
Speaker 4 (40:28):
But we just can't assume defeat.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
Everybody's journey is different and it might take me longer
to get there, but I'm gonna get there.
Speaker 3 (40:36):
To her, point, don't assume defeat. That's easier said than done, though.
Speaker 1 (40:41):
Because I know for me personally, there are times when
I'm like, you know what, I'm about to go do
this and I get through door one, just crushed it.
Speaker 3 (40:51):
I get through door two, just crushed it. Door three
is just the stubber. It just won't let me in.
Speaker 1 (40:58):
So instead of me another way around, I just bag
up and say, I guess I ain't supposed to do that.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
It's easier said than done. I love that.
Speaker 4 (41:09):
Yeah, don't have to defeat.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
Don't assume defeat because I know if you're a religious person,
and that was something we didn't really talk on during
this episode, but that plays a large role in some
of the goals we set in some of the reasons
why we put pressure on ourselves too, because we quick to.
Speaker 4 (41:23):
Be like, you know, a black felk.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
The Bible said, yeah, well the Bible said no fornication either,
and we ain't gonna talk about what you was doing
at nineteen.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
We really want to bring the Bible in this.
Speaker 4 (41:32):
You want to bring the Bible, girl, but we're quick
to do that.
Speaker 3 (41:35):
We're so wach to do that. Listen, Bible says a
whole lot of things. But you're only gonna pick out
the things that you think I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
Let's talk about what you doing, talk about what you
You was dropping it like it's hot Saturday night, but Sunday,
you the.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
First one at church.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Okay, anyway, okay, I'm glad at you for going to
get your glory and repent.
Speaker 4 (41:54):
And I'm just saying, don't judge me for that, no doubt.
Speaker 3 (41:57):
That's all I'm because I'm not judging you, Sais. But
I saw you because I was witch, because I was
with you.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
I was with you dropping it like it was hot
on Saturday, and I'm gonna be with you in church
on Sunday.
Speaker 4 (42:10):
The difference says, I'm here for me.
Speaker 3 (42:12):
I ain't here to be judging you.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Bible said don't drunkenness is a sin. We both off
the remy what's wrong with you?
Speaker 3 (42:24):
Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Oh my god, I'm saying, but it's neither hear him.
It's neither here nor there. But the whole point that
I'm making, yes, it's a trip. But the whole point
that I'm making is sometimes when folks are religious, they
will say that just wasn't.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
What God wanted me to do.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Maybe maybe God was trying to tell you, this is
what I want you to do, but I need you
to find another way.
Speaker 1 (42:47):
God didn't say don't get married. He said, don't get
married to that fool.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
You missed it. You feel what he said?
Speaker 4 (42:54):
God way to be a CEO.
Speaker 3 (42:57):
He didn't want you to run that mag and he
has something. I love it.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
You miss it.
Speaker 3 (43:03):
I love it, but it's so true as deft like
ct it out.
Speaker 4 (43:12):
Cut it out anyway. Let me get off my soap
by y'all. We're gonna be right back so we can
level this thing. Go on. We're gonna be back, y'all.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
Alrin, sis man, it's been a great show, as we
always have a good time chopping it up.
Speaker 4 (43:34):
I just feel like, you know, moving forward, I'm gonna be.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
Even more intentional than usual about making sure that I'm
in the right space when I create whatever goals I'm
setting for myself for this year, but also that I'm
very intentional about the people I share them with the
process that I take to accomplish them, because I just
want to do right and I just want to celebrate
my wins and celebrate my friends and their wins so
(43:58):
that we can all really just be successful this year.
Speaker 3 (44:00):
You know, I'm gonna try to do the same thing.
And we talked about this last week.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
New Year's resolutions, all those things, they're just not for
me anymore. And again I'm going to go off of
what you said, what Stacy Kim said. I'm going to
focus on me, focus on all that extra shit and
everything else is going on.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
Because it's gonna be there. I can't let it get
to me.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
But you had some gems. You had some really good
stuff for the people today and for.
Speaker 3 (44:27):
Me as well.
Speaker 4 (44:28):
I love it. I love it, I appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
So I'm gonna give us something real, short and sweet
to level us off.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
You got me traumatized, now, sure, just a positive thought, y'all.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
Tea told me my positive thought was long last week,
so I'm okay. But you know what, it's really spot
on for what this topic is about. When we talk
about goal setting and putting too much pressure on us.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
We need to live our life.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
So this sense in between goals is a thing called
life that has to be lived and enjoyed.
Speaker 3 (45:07):
So go live your life. Period.
Speaker 4 (45:11):
That was a really good one because it was short
and sweet. It wasn't because it was short. I'm messing
with you. I was no, I was telling was too long.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
But she goes start as a quote talking about but
I got a short one for us, and I was like,
since that shit won short. By the time I finished,
I was like, damn, that really wasn't short. But today
a good one. Yeah, And it was a good message,
really good message.
Speaker 4 (45:37):
I really loved that. So, yes, set your goals, but
live your life.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
And we hope that part of living your life means
continuing to listen to the Levels of this podcast because
we appreciate that, and we want to make sure that
we are sharing our thoughts and sharing information that you
find beneficial and that you relate to.
Speaker 4 (45:56):
So please continue to let us know if you're.
Speaker 2 (45:58):
Enjoying our next level conversations about the real shit that
women go through. Right, So, leave us a review in
Apple Podcasts, or you can email us at the Levels
of this podcast at gmail dot com. Tell us what
you thought of this week's show, tell us what maybe
you want to talk about next. For that matter, you
can even share what some of the goals are that
you're setting.
Speaker 4 (46:16):
We are not haters.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
We're not gonna steal y'all idea neither, So it's okay.
You just share your goals with us.
Speaker 4 (46:25):
Okay, now make sure you're also following us on Instagram
at lttpod.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
But until next time, guys, keep your mentals ground level
and we'll be back next week.
Speaker 3 (46:35):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
Listen to Levels to This on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
Open your free iHeart app and search levels to this
with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster Brasby and start listening
Levels to This is an iHeart women's sports production in
partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find
us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you
get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Hey, everybody, what's going on? It's your girl, Tarrika Foster Brasby, what's.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Up, y'all? Is your girl?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Cheryl Swoops And this is the Levels to this podcast,
the show where we share that it's levels to the
shit that.
Speaker 4 (00:27):
Women go through.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Man, we've got a really great show lined up today.
But I realized that last week when we were talking,
I didn't get a chance to ask you, like, what
were you going to do for New Year's Eve?
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Like?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
What was your New Year's Eve plans? How did you
bring in twenty twenty five? Before we get off into
everything else, I gotta ask you, like.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
What did you do for twenty twenty five? How you
bring it in?
Speaker 3 (00:50):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (00:50):
So I'm going to share something real quick with you
that I find very hilarious. Okay, So I had this
young lady, she was in her twenties. Okay, say to me.
A couple days before New Year's Eve. I was at
the grocery store and it's a story I go to
all the time. I always try to go to her
register because she's a fun person, right, She's good at
(01:12):
her job all that.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
So we were talking.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I'm in line and I'm getting all this food and
she said, oh my gosh, I wish I had your life.
And I said, what are you talking about? She said,
because I could only imagine how much fun and celebrating
you're gonna do on New Year's Eve.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
So you're already laughing. I said, what makes you think that?
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Like, I'm gonna be kicking it and partying and celebrating
like that. So she was like, don't most celebrities like
really go out and do it big on New Year's Eve?
Speaker 3 (01:46):
I said, listen, celebrity or not. Boo boo. I'm fifty
three years old.
Speaker 4 (01:50):
I'm in the house.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
My celebrating is sitting at home in my PGS, having
me one glass and praying that I can stay awake
until midnight.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Ah See, I already knew what you were about to say.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
And she looked at me like, how boring.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
You've disappointed her show.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I did.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I surely did, so I'm probably gonna disappoint you and
everybody else is listening. I spent my New Year's Eve
with my husband in his man cave watching a movie.
And then at eleven forty five, we turned the movie
off and turn on television so we could do our
local little countdown and ball drop. And yeah, that was
(02:38):
my New Year's Eve?
Speaker 3 (02:39):
How about yours? Because I know you did some shit.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
That was a great New Year's Eve, though it was
for me.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
I loved it.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I didn't wake up with a hangover. I didn't have
any of that shit to worry.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
About, so it was that's.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
Great, complete opposite.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Oh already, no, already, no, do tell.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Don't play opposite, because I know he was in the streets. Girl,
my wretched ass was in somebody club dropping it like
it's hot.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Girl.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
I shouldn't have been.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
I should have been dropping it like it was high.
I might have felt better about myself the next day,
but I was.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
Instead. I stood in the.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Same place for most of this time and still had
a swoll ankle the next day.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
That's how I know I'm getting old.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I was like, wait a minute, ow, wait, what did
what just standing?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
So we went to this little club in downtown Hartford,
and mind you, I have literally been spending my New
Year's Eve at home too, Greg. It has to work,
right as a chef New Year's Eve, it's actually really
busy in a restaurant, so he has to work most
of the time. So when he gets off at like
maybe ten or eleven, hit tied.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Like the last couple of years.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
This man ain't even been awake for New Years. I've
been tapping him up down.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
You know. It's New Year's right, the New Year's here.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
So this year I hit up my saw Wars and
I said, I will not be in the house with
this man sleeping on me this year for New Years.
We going out, So we did a pregame at my house,
at my bar downstairs.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
It wasn't a lot of us. It was like maybe
five or six of us.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
We did like a pregame downstairs at my bar, and
then we left about ten thirty to go to the
club downtown. It was ladies free before eleven. I'm still
a ladies free kind of girl.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
So it's my type of club.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
I'm saying, So, yes, this is maybe the only time
I'm gonna be in this club because I don't do
clubs no more. I'm forty. Clubs is a little bit
too much for me. I'll do a bar, bar and grill,
hang out loud. Yeah exactly. But club clubs ain't really
my thing no more. But I said, it's New Year's
Eve and twenty twenty five was a year of celebration,
so I'm gonna do it. Girl went in there, got
(04:46):
me a bottle, had us a table, but it was
a standing table, so I ain' had no ceat.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
I had no seat.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
That's where you started off wrong, right, and you got
there before eleven so you could get it free. I
got there so you're already standing for a good hour
before midnight.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I was already standing for a good hour before it
even got to twelve.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
So that's when I would have been like, okay, deuces, okay.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
So I did good.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
I left at like twelve thirty, because again I understand,
I was there for a good time, not alone time.
Got twelve thirty, yeah, I hit the door. But where
I messed up, Cheryl is I was drinking tequila because
that's where everybody else was drinking.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
I don't drink tea.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Come on, now, you know what my boys shaboozie at
drink don't need know me?
Speaker 4 (05:35):
What the is?
Speaker 3 (05:37):
This? My bad? My bad?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Because I forgot who I was talking to because you're
gonna make me reminisce for one.
Speaker 4 (05:43):
Quick second, which is how I know that you know.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Yeah, my bad, my lad. Listen, y'all. I'm just gonna
share something with you because I feel like I can.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
You can't.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
So I love me some.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Tea like this one tea, Tarika. So I was in Connecticut,
right maybe last year? Was it Connecticut or were we
It was Connecticut? No, it was Connecticut because you swung
by the hotel picked me up, y'all. It was like
eleven o'clock, and I was like, well, I'm going to drink.
Why did my sister pull out the cooler from the
(06:16):
back seat full of liquor? Oh my gosh, listen, I
already had so much respect for you, but when you
did that, I said, oh no, she on a full
different level, different level.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
I legit carry a cooler in my back seat all
your long.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
So I don't know why I asked if you had tequila?
Speaker 4 (06:38):
Straight?
Speaker 3 (06:38):
I already knew the answer to that.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Yeah, long story short. I had a great time. It
was fun to bring in the new year with my sisters.
Speaker 4 (06:45):
It was great. But also, folks, friends, I'm forty. I'm
the oldest hill. I was sleepy by one o'clock.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I had a nice little headache the next day, and
my ankle was swollen, and I did nothing but sing
and stand there.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
So I know my max.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
And it's so funny because when I was like younger
in my twenties, girl, you couldn't keep me home on
New Year's Eve.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
I know. I spent almost every New Year's or every
other New Year in Las Vegas. Yeah, I was going
to turn up for real.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
And now I get excited to be in my house
and able to either get in my bed early or
get in my bed at twelve oh one.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
Yeah. See that's it.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
So I do have one question for you before we
take it to the next level.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Yes, So are you one of those that superstitious about
black eyed peas?
Speaker 4 (07:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (07:39):
For New Year's Yeah, I have black eyed peas, collar greens, cornbread.
I'm one of those who I had a dollar in
my pocket because you gotta have money in your pocket
on New Year's when it strikes twelve.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Yeah, wash house gotta be clean.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Yeah, I'm one of those one hundred percent koodo me
or black superstitions. Yeah, but you understand where the black
eyed peas can't understand where it.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Oh, I do.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I totally understood the whole story, tradition, all of that.
My thing is, I've never liked black eyed peas ah
okay ever, But can I tell you what might make
them better? You can, but I'm not gonna like them.
There's something about a black eyed pea that it ain't
for me.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
So I needed a bean.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
I know it was black eyed peas, but I did
red beans and race girl.
Speaker 4 (08:28):
That ain't the same.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
I had my collagrey though, I just I can't. The
black eyed peas just don't do it for me.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
Well, I mean, you got half of the prosperity, right.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Well, I'm just I'm claiming it. I'm just go claim
it without the black eyed peas. I had to fight
out a bill in my pocket, not a die. I
covered it a little.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Bit, big money right there, big money period.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
But listen, it was.
Speaker 3 (08:55):
A great new year for New Year's Eve, and looking
forward to.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Five has to bring absolutely and so it's because of
that that, in keeping with the theme and trend of
a new year that we kind of briefly touched on
this last episode and even the episode before that, it
is traditionally a time of year when people set new
goals for themselves. They do resolutions, which is great.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Me.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
I'm one who may have a bunch of stuff in
mind and by February first out of forgot half of
it because say whatever, say. But I also realize as
I get older that goal setting and resolutions it's not bad.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
The problem is we don't do them right.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Like we we confuse setting goal and by we I
mean women. Yeah, we confuse that sometimes with have to's,
and we start to put all this extra pressure on
ourselves to do stuff that we really don't have to do.
And so now now these things that we should want
to do feel more like jobs, feel more like if
(10:06):
we don't make a certain thing happen by a certain
day at a certain time.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
And when you really break.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
It down, we've been doing this shit our whole life,
like we have been conditioned to do this shit our
whole entire lives.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Yeah, we as women, We as women, and so no doubt,
it just feels like today is a good day for
us to set the record straight with ourselves and for
us to just tell all of our freedoms, fans.
Speaker 4 (10:33):
And each other cut that shit out.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
We don't have to put that kind of pressure on ourselves.
So today's episode is going to be focused on goal
setting and relieving the pressure. So let's go ahead and
take it to the next level.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
So this might be.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
Maybe a dumb question considering that you were an.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Athlete and questions obviously being that we all assume that
you put at the table this is what I gotta do.
And I think one of those things for an athlete is,
obviously when you play it in the professional league, your
goal is to win a championship every year.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
That's the goal. Win a championship every year. That's it.
That's it, that's it, which y'all did for the first floor.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
I mean shit, but I'm curious to know if there
was ever an instance in which you wanted to accomplish
something so much that you put so much pressure on
yourself to get this thing done and whatever that was,
did you or did you not do it?
Speaker 3 (11:35):
So we talked before we started recording you and I and.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
I just said this conversation today is one that even
I didn't realize I needed, but I do. So I'm
gonna tell you now because you always coming at me
for shedding tears, but I'm.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Probably gonna shed a few today because I.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Like, right now where I am in my life, I'm like,
what goals am I really trying.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
To achieve right now?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
And by that I mean for me, not what everybody
else is telling me I should do or thinks I
should be doing right now. So I'm in a space
t Honestly, I'm gonna be very vulnerable with you today, Kay.
Of course, I'm in a space right now where, honestly
I'm like, what the fuck, Like, where am I going?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Where am I headed? What's next for me?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
And some people may say, well, you're fifty three, so
y'ear old, right, And I'm like, I don't feel old,
but I feel like I'm at a point in my
life though, where.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
I'm not really sure.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
What's next for me, and I don't know if that's
good or if it's bad.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
But to answer your question, I put a.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Whole lot of pressure on myself when I was playing
and when I was pregnant, and that pressure wasn't just
to come back and be great and play basketball and
do the things that people saw me do or knew
me for as far as a basketball player, I put
pressure on myself to be the best mom and athlete
(13:19):
I could be because it hadn't really been done, at
least in women's basketball, and there was no one that
I could look at and say, oh, this is how
she did it. So for me being like the first
one to walk that path, but there were times where
I was like, shit, am I doing this right? Should
I stop doing all the things to be a great
(13:43):
basketball player and focus more on being a great mom.
There was a lot of guilt that came with that.
There was a lot of pressure I put on myself.
I don't know, like I don't have all the shit
figured out.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
I still don't. I did that and I still don't.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
But I do think we as women put that type
of pressure on ourselves when we're trying to figure out,
like our goals and what do we want to achieve
and what do we want to accomplish. Last thing, I'll say,
I took your advice our last episode.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
I think we talked about a vision board.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yes, and so for me, that vision board has really
put things into better perspective for me than actually just
writing down goals.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
If that makes yes, it does.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
It makes tons of sense, And you really hit on
so many different things because I had.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Already next out because it's gonna be one.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
It's gonna be one of them episodes. And that's cool,
Like I love that. I love that about us, that
we can be vulnerable and really just be honest about
where we are and what we're doing. And I always
do a lot of I'm a documentary nerdive research person.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
That's just my thing.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
And even before I thought that this would be a
great episode for us to do, I was already looking
and following this woman named Stacy Kim and she's a psychologist,
and so she was talking about some tips and some
things that we do as women as it relates the
goal setting that we could do better. And so one
of the things, and I really want to talk about
(15:09):
some of these things that she listed, but one of
the things that she did was she gave us some numbers.
And I looked at these numbers and I was like, boy,
when I think about the shit that I did at
this age, this is what our problem is. So you're
talking about being a mom. We have been conditioned to
think that as women, we gotta do shit when other
(15:30):
people think we need to do them. So depending on
your cultural background, or your family background or wherever, you are.
My mother was fifteen when she had me, sixteen when
she had my brother, nineteen when she had my younger sister,
and it just kept going and go. By twenty years old, woman,
you had three children, But you're looking at me at
the age of twenty three and saying, oh my god, Arrika,
(15:54):
when do you plan on having kids?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Ma'am, I'm twenty three.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Allow me to live, Allow me.
Speaker 4 (16:03):
To figure it out that in mind.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I looked at the average age of parenthood in twenty
twenty four, and according to the statistics, in twenty twenty four,
the average woman having her first child is twenty eight
years old. Then I continue to dig a little bit more,
and I said, how old are people getting married now?
Because that's another thing women get pressured to do. If
(16:27):
you ain't married by such and such age, you might
as well be a spinster out here.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
Industry. Okay, let's look.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
I did some more digging, and I see that the
average age of women getting married in twenty twenty four
is twenty eight years old, which is up from twenty
years old in the nineteen fifties. So as I'm starting
to look at these numbers, I'm looking at careers because
what's another thing. Oh my god, I'm thirty. I don't
have a career yet. I'm going through a midlife crisis.
Speaker 4 (16:55):
Look at the numbers.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
The average age of people actually settling into the careers
are between the ages of thirty five and forty one.
So it's okay to be young and not have it
figured out.
Speaker 4 (17:07):
So what does this make me think?
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Cheryl is like we spend too much time trying to
set goals based on what we think other people think
we should be doing, and not really paying attention to
what we should be doing. It's difficult when you think about,
like how do I set goals.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
For me or how do I do shit for me?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
When all I've been taught this whole time is what
everybody else think I'm supposed to be doing by a
certain time, by a certain age, when I get to
a certain place.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Like damn, what the fuck let me breathe?
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Twenty twenty five got to be a year we breathed?
Speaker 3 (17:42):
Is you said it?
Speaker 1 (17:44):
I think depending on like your cultural background and your
upbringing and the way you were raised, that puts a
lot of things into perspective, right, I said on the
last episode and talked about my son getting ready to
have a kid. He's twenty seven, so I'm not tripping
on the age.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
But she's twenty three, so I am tripping on the age. Right.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
So when you brought that up, I was just like wow,
because that was my first thought was you haven't lived.
Y'all haven't lived. And when you get ready to bring
a child into this world, I don't care what age
you are.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Shit changes. You go from.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Being first to last, yep, when a child comes into
the picture. But the thing that I really want us
as women, and not just Black women, women in general, Like,
I really want us to take charge of who we
are and being who we are the way we want
to be that yep, right, not the way society says
(18:46):
we should be, Not the way your parents say you
should be.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Like, we've got to get to a point to where
we're okay with it.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
If I choose not to get married until I'm fifty
years old, damn it, that's my choice.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
That's your choice.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Yes, maybe I haven't found the right person, And who
are you to tell me that I have to be
married by a certain age or else. The other thing
is you talk about the age where women have kids.
Maybe some women don't want to have kids, and that's
okay too.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Yep, it's okay to be childless cat ladies right right.
I know I'm not gonna go there. I'm not gonna
go there.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
But there's so much pressure that's put on us from society,
from even friends, right that says, here's who we have
to be, the way we have to be when we
have to be it, And no we don't, We.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Truly don't at all. And it's okay to be the
first to set a different trend in your family. For
everybody else in your family getting married at twenty two
to twenty three, maybe it's okay to wait till you
thirty five. You ain't got to follow the tradition. That's
how you break the cycle. It's okay to one absolutely
make the cycle. And so when I said earlier that
(20:04):
the reason why sometimes we don't meet our goals is
because we go sett and wrong. We go setting wrong,
We setting goals for the wrong thing. We look in
other people.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
We're setting the setting goal people our lives, yeah, other people.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
And based on other people's ideas or what we're supposed
to do or how we're supposed to act. We got
to cut that out So some of the things that
Stacy says that I truly love is one, pick one
goal to focus on, and then two, let that goal
be a want rather than I have to or I should,
And I love that that right that we can definitely
(20:40):
walk in chew gum at the same time. So that
doesn't necessarily mean we're incapable of having more than one goal,
but at the same time, the one that you focus on,
let that be your one, and then do smaller tasks
to get to that one goal. So you got long
term and short term, which makes sense. For example, my
(21:00):
goal was to buy a house. Little things I had
to do to make sure that I could do that,
save my money, pay down my debt, find a realtor,
cut back on shopping. But the ultimate goal was to
do this thing right. One of the things that stood
out to me she has seven of them. So one
was pick a goal and focus on it. Two would
start with want to rather than I have to or
I should. But this one was interesting to me. Focus
(21:24):
on yourself. You can't change the behaviors of other people,
and you can't make people see you and what you
want to do the way that.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
You want them to see you.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
You just got to let them do what they're doing
and be what they be in and feel how they feel.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
You focus on yourself.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Mind your own damn biausness, And so I think that
is such an important I'm telling you, like, the only
thing you can do is such your goals for you,
and if people ain't rocking with you, they ain't rocking
with you. Right. Number four she had which I just
touched on and recognized the difference between projects and tasks.
So big goal and then little things you need to
do to get big goal. And then five, which I
(22:03):
really love too, was set a check in point right,
hold yourself accountable, put a deadline on it.
Speaker 4 (22:10):
After a couple of weeks.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Number six, what I've been saying twenty twenty five is
celebrate your sixccess.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
Celebrate it right.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Instead of saying, oh, you know, I wanted to lose
fifty pounds, I only lost twenty five.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Since you lost twenty.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Five pounds, celebrated, celebrated, celebrate that shit.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
But this to me was the most important one of all.
Be flexible, abandon goals that don't serve you well.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
It's a lot of shit that looked dope in January.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I like that, and by the time you get to April,
you like, Yo, this really ain't it. That's part of
the focus on yourself. If something that you said you
want to do in January ain't really working out by April,
you ain't feeling it. It's not making you happy, it's
not serving your purpose. Don't be trying to do it
just for the sake of doing it.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Let that shit go just to have a conversation or
for it to be a good look. And that's why
t I think I got away from making my New
Year's resolutions because every year I was Okay, i'm gonna
work out, I'm gonna lose x amount of pounds, I'm
gonna do this, And I did it for the first month,
but then through traveling and just life right, I was
(23:27):
just like, shit, no, I'm done with that.
Speaker 3 (23:31):
But I also think.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
We put so much pressure on ourselves when we kind
of see what other people are doing. Your journey's different
from mine, and maybe what you're doing is working for you.
That doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong. Because
back to what number was it three three on yourself?
(23:53):
Focus on yourself, and that is what I think we
as women really need to dive into and really focus
on is just focusing on ourselves. I don't know whoever
said in life that when you get to a certain
age that you have your life figured out, because again,
I'm fifty three and I don't have it figured out.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
No, of course not.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
And what's interesting is we use the term midlife crisis
all the time. So I did a little bit of
digging on that too, and apparently the actual range of
midlife crisis happens between forty five and sixty. So I'm
sorry if you're listening and you're thirty and you think
you're going through a midlife crisis because you then graduated
from school with your degree and unfortunately you haven't found
(24:38):
a job of your career yet and now you're in
a one bedroom or.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
A studio apartment.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
In life is coming to an end unless you plan
on kicking the bucket naturally at sixty, sweetheart, you are
not in a midlife crisis.
Speaker 4 (24:49):
You are doing an average twenty nine thirty year old
person has to go through. It is great, it is.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Sorry, but usually it is said that midlife crisises usually
have happened between forty five and sixty after a significant
life change like a divorce, a retirement, a death of
a loved one, aging, something where you significantly shift because
you think you don't know your purpose. And I thought
(25:19):
that was interesting because I could totally understand someone who
had been a director for thirty years and at the
age of fifty five, they're no longer a director and
they've decided to retire, and now they're like, now, what
what is my purpose now? Like?
Speaker 4 (25:35):
How do I make an impact?
Speaker 2 (25:36):
It sounded good to retire, it sounded good to not work,
but like, now, what's my goal? What's my thing? I
could see that more than just I didn't make or
reach the societal norm that folks put upon me. And
because I didn't make it, I didn't reach it. I
didn't do that thing. Life is falling apart. Those are
(25:57):
not the same. And the thing about that is I
have to ask myself sometimes when I be going through this.
Speaker 3 (26:04):
Do men have to go through that shit?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Because while men have their own set of pressures, it
is very different than the set of societal pressures that
women have. You talked about the pressure that you felt
having to be an athlete and be a good mom.
Do you know how many daddy's in the NBA ain't
thought a damn sure thing about missing a birthday, missing
(26:29):
a Christmas, not being able. I'm sure they would love
to be there, but I don't see not a single
column being written or any of the think pieces coming
out about how they are terrible fathers because they have
to be in the NBA from October to June.
Speaker 4 (26:44):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
What it says is that they have to do their job.
They have to provide for their family.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
That's their job is to be a professional athlete. That's
your job, right, But uctually they can't be there.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
And spouses are expected to understand. Listen, that was the
person that you got with. When you got with them,
those pressures don't apply to men, So why the hell
do we keep letting those type of pressures rule and
feed our lives. The numbers are showing women are starting
to wise up a little bit and be like, I
ain't got a rush to do this.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Shit, because here's what happens a lot of times. Let's
just go back to the whole marriage thing.
Speaker 3 (27:21):
Lots of times when you.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Think you found the right one, and yes, it happens,
it works, But just say, I'm gonna use my son
and his girlfriend for an example, Right, my son is
twenty seven, she's twenty three.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Have they had a discussion about marriage? I don't know.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
Not with me. That ain't yours, mama.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
That ain't my business. That ain't my business.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
But so many times because of what society says, right,
you should be married before you have a child. And
I also know in the black culture, I know Bahama
was like, oh no, you're not about to lay up
with nobody and have a baby.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
You better get married hers all those things. But to me,
at the age.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Of twenty three and twenty seven, I don't think you've lived.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Also, do you really truly know what love is?
Speaker 1 (28:14):
It's a question I'm asking. I don't know, but to
say this is the person I want to marry. The
only reason why I bring that up is because I
went through a divorce. I got married when I was
really young, right, and I went through a divorce. Not
saying divorces don't happen to older couples, because they happen
all the time, but I would like to think that
(28:35):
the younger you get married, if you don't really truly
know each other, that's going to lead to a divorce
quicker than someone who's older. My husband and I we
were engaged for ten years. I remember you saying that, yeah,
and I just again, I go back to the stats
(28:57):
you brought up, and we just have to get out
of the old ways, in the old mindset of this
is who I have to be and what I should
have accomplished by the time I get a certain.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Age have to And when we come back on the
other side, I want to share a couple of things
that my girl has really laid out here that we
can do to help us get back on track when
we feel like we've slipped on our goals a little bit,
but also maybe how we can help each other to
stay out of that mindset of doing what society thinks
(29:35):
we should do instead of just doing what we like
to do.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
So we'll be right back after this.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Cheryl, Can I ask you if there is one I
guess you can say societal norm about women that people
say about us or place on us, or a pressure
that they put on us that you just if I
had an all time, I.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
Really hate that they say this about us. This is
that thing.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Oh yeah, you put me on the spot there because
I can. Okay, let me hear your two first.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
Okay, the first one that I have is about all women.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
I hate that people think women are soft, like women
are soft, Like we're supposed to be soft. So to
make that an insult is like, what the fuck does
that mean? We're supposed to be soft? Yeah, but I
don't mean like cute, cuddly sauce. I mean like the
we can't handle trials challenges, because what you mean or
(30:38):
if you're talking to a man and you'd be like, oh,
you putting up a girl?
Speaker 4 (30:41):
Like what the fuck that means?
Speaker 3 (30:42):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 4 (30:43):
I hate that. Yeah, And it's like one A and
one B.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
That leads me to number two, which is more for
black women, and that is that we're aggressive. Don't call
me aggressive because I don't take your bullshit because I
stand up for myself. Because I'm assertive because I learned
how to use the English lane which correctly, and I
use it for my benefit when necessary. That means I'm
aggressive and I'm angry.
Speaker 4 (31:07):
I don't like that. Those are my two.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
I hate that society has those stereotypes around us.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
I mean those are two good ones, because I would
definitely agree with you on that. I think one for
me is I just hate when men say, oh, she's
a woman, Like, I hate that because I'm like, what
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (31:27):
I am a woman, I'm gonna forever be a woman.
What is your point? Because there are.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Times where my husband and I are having a conversation
and sometimes he'll say, well, she's a woman, and I'm like,
what the fuck does that mean? Right? I am too,
So if you feel that way about her and she's
a woman, then you feel that way about me.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
And I think the other one for.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Me, tea would be And this is gonna take me
back to the election where we society doesn't feel like
a woman is capable of running a country.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Because there are a lot.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Of different reasons why Kama didn't win, but one that
I heard was, oh, my goodness, I would never vote
for a woman to lead.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
Us to run this country. And that bothers the shit
out of me.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Yeah, because I know for a fact there are women
out there in this world that are way better at.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
Running shit than men are.
Speaker 4 (32:27):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
But that's where we as women have to stand up
and hold our ground and say, listen, I am a woman,
proud to be one, but let me tell you why
I can do this job better than you.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Matter of fact, let me show you why I.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Can do this job better than you, not just tell
you my mom. You say I can show you better
than I can tell you.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Yeah, that reminds me of I forgot what podcasts I
was listening to, but someone had mentioned that women get
jobs based on their track record. They have to prove
that they can do it, whereas men get a job
or get an opportunity.
Speaker 4 (32:59):
Because I could see the potential in.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Here, I could see how much I could see you
look like the kind of guy who is going You're
going places, even in relationships, right, even in relationships, you
look at a woman and you be like, I want
to get with that woman because that woman got it
going on.
Speaker 4 (33:15):
She's got a great job, she's got a college education.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
You look at a man and you be like, yeah,
I know he only got a ged DA, he working
at McDonald's right now, but guess what, I could see
him going places. And then it's twenty years later and
you are here calling this man a bum, but you
saw him going place a twenty years ain't not wrong
with having a ged A or working at McDonald's.
Speaker 4 (33:38):
So I wasn't trying to play anybody out of it
off places. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
I'm just saying, be accepting of what you got in
front of you and talking about potential. But I bring
all that up because Stacey continues to talk about sometimes
women we set goals based on what we think is
achievable for us because people have already decided what's achievable
(34:02):
for women and what's not. Example, being president of the
United States. It has already been proven in other countries
that women can absolutely be world leaders, but for whatever reason,
in the United States, there is still this societal norm
that women can't be president because we've seen three women
try four technically, Shirley CHISHLM didn't make it, Hillary Clinton
(34:26):
didn't make it.
Speaker 4 (34:27):
Kamala Harris didn't make it.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
So some of the things that I love that she
says is that there are some really counterintuitive ways to
just get people out of your brink. You touched on
one of them. One of the things she says is
keeping it to yourself right. Sometimes you want to tell
people what it is that you want to do, and
you get those people around you who just aren't supportive.
Even esther, when she was like I was asking people,
(34:50):
should I quit my job? And they were all like, girl, no,
you crazy. If every single time you want to do
something and somebody is there behind you to try to
tell you don't do it, you know what, you need
to preserve your energy and sometimes it's just best to
keep that shit to yourself.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
No, you know what, Like it's cool.
Speaker 4 (35:12):
I don't really need to tell you.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
That. Don't mean I'm not gonna try and do this thing.
I'm just not gonna have these people bringing this negative
energy around me.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
And that is huge, right.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
If you have your little circle and I don't even
have a circle, they got mna have an art.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
You gotta have moved.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Yeah, because you gotta be careful with the people you
bring in that circle because lots of times those are
the people that will drag you down and bring you down.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
Because let's just keep it real.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
We talk about men not supporting us and having our
backs and all that, but Tea, as women, sometimes we
are our worst enemies. Say that shit again instead of
supporting each other, Tea, I don't want to see you succeed.
I'm gonna sit here and laugh with you right now
in your face, sit and encourage you and say yes, girl.
But as soon as I get at the door, let
(36:04):
me get on my phone, let me go tell these
people this crazy Shitterterrika talking over here.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
Girl, No she ain't about to do X Y and
Z y'all. I'm gonna be here with her. Let her
think she.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Can't or this one right here that sometimes we do,
and we're gonna talk about accountability. We gotta have accountability
for the shit that we do. Sometimes, not me and
Ryl personally, because we ain't fake like this, but it's
people who will hear your dream and hear your idea
and hear what you trying to do. And then the
next thing you know, they out here pursuing and doing
(36:37):
the same shit. And you say it on my time,
saying one my time, you had one more time, I
told you that I was about to get ready to
go jump on this opportunity. And the next thing I know,
you in the room trying to get on the opportunity
before me.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
What type of shit is that and acting like it
was your idea.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Now they're trying to gas like you, like you're crazy,
like you're making it up.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
As sad as that is.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
You gotta be very careful back to Stacey's points, Sometimes
you gotta keep shit to yourself because not everybody is
on your team.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
Sys that's facts.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Second thing she says when you gotta get back on
track with your goal is sometimes it's cool to double
down on doing nothing because a lot of times people
are making seem like, you know what, Oh, all she
was doing was over there standing in the corner, or
all she says she was doing was praying. You did right,
I said, I was praying. Like that's a doing nothing.
(37:31):
That's doing something. Meditation is something that's doing nothing. Maybe
I do need to go and take this walk around
the corner to get my mind and clear my mind.
Speaker 4 (37:41):
Maybe I do need to spend an extra ten minutes
in the shower because I need peace.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
It is okay for me to be making my moves
my way and you not fully see or understand why
I'm moving the way that I'm moving. And I'm one
who personally loves to tell folks when I'm doing something great,
and I don't do that to be braggadocious. I do
it because I feel like it's inspiring. There's some little
(38:06):
girl out there from the east side of Detroit who
never thought that she could be in a certain place,
and I want to be able to be like sis,
I came from the same place you came from.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
No doubt, believe me.
Speaker 4 (38:16):
We can do it and here's how.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
But sometimes you might not see me doing nothing, and
you'll be thinking to yourself. Girl Terrika's talking about she
finna do this, and that girl like did nothing. She
ain't posted nothing, she ain't seen nothing like let me
do nothing, because you don't know what my nothing looks like.
If my nothing is what's given me peace of mind
to move forward, let me do nothing.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
It's cool, it is, it is, Yes, it is, And
you know what, Sometimes it's okay to just sit in silence.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
That's it because you know what. I'm doing this for me,
not you, and right now this is what I need.
I need some meantime.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Now.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
In that meantime, you have no idea what I'm doing
or what I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Yeah, And the last thing that she says before we
had this out to get back on track is to
not assume defeat. And we touched on this earlier. Sometimes
we're not really focused on the right goal right. Sometimes
we confuse the process for the endgame. Sometimes we think
we have to do A, B and C in order
(39:27):
to get to D. Maybe doing A B and C
and how we get to D and instead of just saying, oh,
AB and C didn't work right, so I guess I'll
never get D.
Speaker 4 (39:36):
Switch it up.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
I get asked all the time from students who are like, T,
I want to get into sports journalism.
Speaker 4 (39:44):
I want to be on ESPN. How do I do that?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
And I'm like, in my head, the first thing I
think is, since I'm the wrong, want to ask, cause
I ain't got this shit figured out. I ain't one
hundred percent doing what I want to do just yet right,
the end game won't look the same. But what I
always end up telling folks when ask me that it's
just this is my process.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Yes, this is how I did it.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
How I did it and how you might do it
is totally different. That does not mean that you can't
do it. It's just it might look different for you
than different for me. So, if this is the end game,
these are the traditional steps, these are the steps I took.
You figure out what works best for you.
Speaker 4 (40:28):
But we just can't assume defeat.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
Everybody's journey is different and it might take me longer
to get there, but I'm gonna get there.
Speaker 3 (40:36):
To her, point, don't assume defeat. That's easier said than done, though.
Speaker 1 (40:41):
Because I know for me personally, there are times when
I'm like, you know what, I'm about to go do
this and I get through door one, just crushed it.
Speaker 3 (40:51):
I get through door two, just crushed it. Door three
is just the stubber. It just won't let me in.
Speaker 1 (40:58):
So instead of me another way around, I just bag
up and say, I guess I ain't supposed to do that.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
It's easier said than done. I love that.
Speaker 4 (41:09):
Yeah, don't have to defeat.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
Don't assume defeat because I know if you're a religious person,
and that was something we didn't really talk on during
this episode, but that plays a large role in some
of the goals we set in some of the reasons
why we put pressure on ourselves too, because we quick to.
Speaker 4 (41:23):
Be like, you know, a black felk.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
The Bible said, yeah, well the Bible said no fornication either,
and we ain't gonna talk about what you was doing
at nineteen.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
We really want to bring the Bible in this.
Speaker 4 (41:32):
You want to bring the Bible, girl, but we're quick
to do that.
Speaker 3 (41:35):
We're so wach to do that. Listen, Bible says a
whole lot of things. But you're only gonna pick out
the things that you think I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
Let's talk about what you doing, talk about what you
You was dropping it like it's hot Saturday night, but Sunday,
you the.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
First one at church.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Okay, anyway, okay, I'm glad at you for going to
get your glory and repent.
Speaker 4 (41:54):
And I'm just saying, don't judge me for that, no doubt.
Speaker 3 (41:57):
That's all I'm because I'm not judging you, Sais. But
I saw you because I was witch, because I was
with you.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
I was with you dropping it like it was hot
on Saturday, and I'm gonna be with you in church
on Sunday.
Speaker 4 (42:10):
The difference says, I'm here for me.
Speaker 3 (42:12):
I ain't here to be judging you.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Bible said don't drunkenness is a sin. We both off
the remy what's wrong with you?
Speaker 3 (42:24):
Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Oh my god, I'm saying, but it's neither hear him.
It's neither here nor there. But the whole point that
I'm making, yes, it's a trip. But the whole point
that I'm making is sometimes when folks are religious, they
will say that just wasn't.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
What God wanted me to do.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Maybe maybe God was trying to tell you, this is
what I want you to do, but I need you
to find another way.
Speaker 1 (42:47):
God didn't say don't get married. He said, don't get
married to that fool.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
You missed it. You feel what he said?
Speaker 4 (42:54):
God way to be a CEO.
Speaker 3 (42:57):
He didn't want you to run that mag and he
has something. I love it.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
You miss it.
Speaker 3 (43:03):
I love it, but it's so true as deft like
ct it out.
Speaker 4 (43:12):
Cut it out anyway. Let me get off my soap
by y'all. We're gonna be right back so we can
level this thing. Go on. We're gonna be back, y'all.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
Alrin, sis man, it's been a great show, as we
always have a good time chopping it up.
Speaker 4 (43:34):
I just feel like, you know, moving forward, I'm gonna be.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
Even more intentional than usual about making sure that I'm
in the right space when I create whatever goals I'm
setting for myself for this year, but also that I'm
very intentional about the people I share them with the
process that I take to accomplish them, because I just
want to do right and I just want to celebrate
my wins and celebrate my friends and their wins so
(43:58):
that we can all really just be successful this year.
Speaker 3 (44:00):
You know, I'm gonna try to do the same thing.
And we talked about this last week.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
New Year's resolutions, all those things, they're just not for
me anymore. And again I'm going to go off of
what you said, what Stacy Kim said. I'm going to
focus on me, focus on all that extra shit and
everything else is going on.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
Because it's gonna be there. I can't let it get
to me.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
But you had some gems. You had some really good
stuff for the people today and for.
Speaker 3 (44:27):
Me as well.
Speaker 4 (44:28):
I love it. I love it, I appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
So I'm gonna give us something real, short and sweet
to level us off.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
You got me traumatized, now, sure, just a positive thought, y'all.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
Tea told me my positive thought was long last week,
so I'm okay. But you know what, it's really spot
on for what this topic is about. When we talk
about goal setting and putting too much pressure on us.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
We need to live our life.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
So this sense in between goals is a thing called
life that has to be lived and enjoyed.
Speaker 3 (45:07):
So go live your life. Period.
Speaker 4 (45:11):
That was a really good one because it was short
and sweet. It wasn't because it was short. I'm messing
with you. I was no, I was telling was too long.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
But she goes start as a quote talking about but
I got a short one for us, and I was like,
since that shit won short. By the time I finished,
I was like, damn, that really wasn't short. But today
a good one. Yeah, And it was a good message,
really good message.
Speaker 4 (45:37):
I really loved that. So, yes, set your goals, but
live your life.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
And we hope that part of living your life means
continuing to listen to the Levels of this podcast because
we appreciate that, and we want to make sure that
we are sharing our thoughts and sharing information that you
find beneficial and that you relate to.
Speaker 4 (45:56):
So please continue to let us know if you're.
Speaker 2 (45:58):
Enjoying our next level conversations about the real shit that
women go through. Right, So, leave us a review in
Apple Podcasts, or you can email us at the Levels
of this podcast at gmail dot com. Tell us what
you thought of this week's show, tell us what maybe
you want to talk about next. For that matter, you
can even share what some of the goals are that
you're setting.
Speaker 4 (46:16):
We are not haters.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
We're not gonna steal y'all idea neither, So it's okay.
You just share your goals with us.
Speaker 4 (46:25):
Okay, now make sure you're also following us on Instagram
at lttpod.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
But until next time, guys, keep your mentals ground level
and we'll be back next week.
Speaker 3 (46:35):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
Listen to Levels to This on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.
Open your free iHeart app and search levels to this
with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster Brasby and start listening
Hosts And Creators
Terrika Foster-Brasby
Sheryl Swoopes
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