April 4, 2024 • 42 mins
Chelsea and Catherine get together to gab about the books they loved as kids, why you should indulge in things that bring you joy, and deciding that you don’t need to control the outcome of things. Then: A newly-sober New Yorker struggles with guilt over her past mistakes. A trans woman wonders if she should reignite a relationship with her sister who wasn’t always there for her. And a boss targets an employee with an indecent proposal.
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, Catherine, it's chilly Chelsea. Hi, yye hi Hi, what's happening?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Oh man, just got back from a weekend in Phoenix
with all of my in laws and my folks and
it was really fun.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Oh well good.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
It was also peaceful because I like gave myself time away.
I like let Brad and his family have their time,
and I gave you know, myself some decompression time and
it was peaceful.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Love. Well, good for you for going to Phoenix. I'm
yeah for congratulations.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
It was actually the weather was incredible.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
It was like Sally Sonny beautiful, like not a hot
day in sight.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
It was perfection.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
I have a show in Maracopa, Arizona, so oh yeah yeah,
so I will be in Arizona at some point.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Soon, hopefully before the hot weather comes.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
You could buy those tickets at Chelseahandler dot com.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
This isn't exactly an update, but this is just a
sweet letter that we got from a listener that I
thought was really great because we've been getting a lot
of emails about book lists and book recommendations and all
that good stuff. So Crystal says to your Chelsea, not
needing advice today, but just wanted to write and say
that you inspired me to start reading. I've never been
a big reader, but because I knew it was important,
(01:12):
I've always read to my children every day from the
day they were born. My daughter is now nine and
reads books on her own before bed each night. I
always wanted them to love reading, because I always wished
that I did.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
But you and.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Catherine are always talking about different books and how wonderful
they are, and how people aren't doing it as much anymore.
All of that, coupled with the fact that I basically
trained my daughter to love reading, inspired me to try again.
One of my first books was one of Chelsea's, about
a year ago, and from there I.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Just haven't stopped.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Ah I know, I'm really enjoying it and actually feeling
that it has enriched my life in ways I wasn't expecting.
I get so much joy out of such little effort.
I must stay at home mom of ten years, and
these four walls get so small after a while. It's
a gift to be able to escape in a healthy way.
So all this is to say thank you, thank you
for sharing books you're reading, sharing your passionate about it,
(02:02):
and reminding us just how important it is with.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Love a crystal.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Well, that's great.
Speaker 4 (02:07):
I love I love it. I love it. Reading is
a gift. We're so lucky to be able to like
get free entertainment. I mean, they're not free books, but
it's cheap entertainment the library, they are, yeah, right, yeah,
you can check them out at the library.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I used to check out books at the library with
my mom.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
We'd go to the library and Martha's Vineyard and I
would get six books and she would get six books.
And we would just always like I would read six
books at a time and she would and they were
all like choose your own adventures, you know, like stupid
shit when I was young, but I just loved the
putting down a book, going to the next one. And
now the girls, Katie and Jesse, my two sixteen year
old popsy twins, they are reading like crazy. Like Katie
(02:43):
spent the weekend and she was up to like two
in the morning reading her book, and I'm like yes.
And when I met them, they didn't even read books.
They were like, what we're not reading? And then yeah,
so it's so cute.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
I love that. Yeah, it's so. It makes your vocabulary bigger,
it makes you smarter. It helps you're spelling.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Speaking of staying up late reading, I once was watching
my nieces and my one niece was probably like eleven
or twelve, and she had gotten into the Harry Potter
books and it was just me with my two nieces.
My knew this is a school day, and my niece
now is that I love reading?
Speaker 3 (03:16):
She goes.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I woke up at one in the morning and started
reading my book and I never stopped.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
I've been awake since one of the morning reading And
I was.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Like, oh, oh, how cute?
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Is that so cute?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
But I was like, you're about to have the most
miserable day ever because you're gonna fall asleep in class.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
So she was pretty crabby and we had a little
early bedtime that night. But I was like, that's very sweet,
but maybe maybe we don't do that again.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That's cute.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Was there a specific book.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
I know you said she's your own adventure books, but
was there a specific book that you really.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Like got you into reading as a kid.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
No, all the books. I read everything.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
I mean, I read serious books when I was little,
my dad forced me. And then when I had my own,
like you know, I could read what I wanted Beverly
Cleary and like you know, Judy Bloom and all that,
and then Sweet Valley High.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Yeah, I love amazing.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
That was my favorite, and then a lot to choose
your own adventures.
Speaker 4 (04:09):
I would just go through them like any kid and
go to the War the first, go to page twenty eight.
Then I would go back and go to page thirty five,
and you know, I just love that.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
There is nothing more fun than those.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
I know, I know, I guess they have them for adults,
but they I think they do.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
But I don't think that that I'm that interested in
that anymore.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Should we jump into some questions, Chelsea.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
Absolutely, let's do it. We have a one on one
episode today.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
We sure do.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Okay, So this one is a little bit of a
complicated one, Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, My family and I
moved to a new neighborhood about six months ago. It's quiet,
clean and has lots of families with young children, including
my own. Shortly after moving in, we discovered that our
next door neighbor has an adult daughter who does not
(04:56):
live at the house, but is likely living out of
her beat up car, which she likes to part in
front of her mom's house. She shows up for a
few days at a time, leaves for a few days,
and then comes back. She often gets loaded and then
passes out in her car for hours in broad daylight.
Sometimes she's just in her car by herself or with others,
doing tweaker things like looking for things on the ground.
(05:16):
Whenever her daughter is brought up in conversation, the neighbor
dismisses it and says she just comes around from time
to time to use my swimming pool, and the neighbor
doesn't really seem interested in talking about what's going on.
My neighbor's boyfriend shared a little more once and said
the daughter is cut off and not allowed to enter
their home. However, it's apparent that they aren't doing anything
about their doing drugs and passing out in the car
(05:36):
in front of their house.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
I feel for my neighbor mother to mother.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
It makes me wonder if she feels more comfortable knowing
where her daughter is and having her parked out front
rather than quote on the streets.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Here's my dilemma. I couldn't care.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Less what her daughter does with her life or her
relationship with her mother, But I don't want my children
seeing her doing drugs or being passed out in her
car for hours while they play in the front yard.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
It's also quite a nice or to have a.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Tweaker hanging out in her beat up with broken windows
every time I look out while doing my dishes. Should
I try and have another conversation with her mom? How
do I approach this with her? Deep down, I really
want to just call the cops or knock on her
car window and tell her to leave, but she's technically
not on my property and I don't want to negatively
impact my relationship with my neighbor. Your advice on how
(06:19):
to handle this would be greatly appreciated, Sarah.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Well, I mean, honestly, it's none of your fucking business,
Like it's not she's not on your property. I mean
as a parent, obviously her mother isn't psyched about that either,
and I think you can relate that you would rather
have your daughter in front of your house doing drugs
than god knows where, and it's not your property, so
you have nothing to say about the matter. And sorry
(06:45):
that it's an eyesore, but there's nothing for you to do.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
That's not your business.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
And I honestly think like your kids are small. So
you know, if you tell them like, oh, she's taking
a nap, Like, I think that's probably all the explanation
that they need at this time. And like when they're
twenty five, they'll, you know, remember this lady and figure
out what was going on.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Or they won't remember anything about it, you know, right,
or they won't and it's not Yeah, and your kids
aren't gonna like that's like saying, oh, I don't want
my children exposed to transgender kids because they're going to
become trans just because there's some woman tweaking out in
a car. At least she's not on your property, she's
not talking to your children. Yeah, you're really reaching to
think that you have a say in it.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Yeah, And I know people get really bent out of
shape about like, oh, someone's parked in from my house. Whatever,
I can see it from my house. But I think
this is a family across the street that has a
really complicated thing going on, and I think this is
a moment where you need to dig deep and reach
out with kindness. Yes, you know, maybe it's even like
make a sandwich and like if she's asleep, leave it
(07:46):
on her car, or like knock on the window. If
she's awake and like hand her a sandwich or bring
her lunch, like when you see her out there, because
she's obviously going through a really tough time. You know,
calling the cops is not a solution for drug addiction.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
No, it's not.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
That is actually nice. It's like take your contempt and
turn it upside down into kindness.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Yeah, I think try and find ways where you can
meet this with kindness and giving and understand that like
this is more complicated. They're just like having a shitty
view at your window. So and also, like things do
come to an end, so this will this will go
one way or another.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
And obviously we hope that she gets help, but you know,
the family is doing the best they can, it sounds
like right now.
Speaker 4 (08:25):
And also, calling the police is definitely going to fracture
your relationship with your neighbor.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
So you can say goodbye to that if you do that, and.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It will also probably not be a solution.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
I grew up, well, this isn't this isn't exactly the same,
but it's slightly analogous. Where I grew up with my
dad had all these used cars in our driveway all
the time, and it looked like you know, the parking lot.
It looked like Sandford and Son in our neighborhood. And
we were like in a nice middle class, upper middle
class neighborhood in New Jersey, and our neighbors always called
the police on.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
My dad because of the cars.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
And it just made me, even to this day, not
like my neighbors, you know, because we became like the
eyesore of the neighborhood. And I didn't like my house either.
I wasn't happy about it either, but seeing my father,
like seeing us kind of like my father attacked and
people call, it's just embarrassing, and it's like, it's that's
(09:17):
not we're putting out love. That's just putting out disdain,
especially because you don't like something in your view and
like your eyeline.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
It's just it's silly.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
Yeah. Yeah, So I think let's try and meet this with.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
A little love and a little understanding and give us
an update if there is a change or if you
do decide to try that, and let us know kind
of how that goes.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be
right back.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
And we're back, so let's talk to our first caller.
We've got some cuties today.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Okay, let's go.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Vicky is calling in and she's got a bit of
a doozy here. So Vicky says, dear Chelsea, it's one am.
I have to get up for work in five hours.
I can't sleep so angry, and I need your advice.
A couple days ago, one of the owners of my
company offered to pay me two thousand dollars to have
sex with him. I worked for a roofing company doing admin.
(10:12):
I've been there for seven months. I was determined to
show this new group of blue collar guys just how organized,
detail oriented and smart a girl like me could be.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
And I did.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
I got two raises in the first six months and
a Christmas bonus. I attended the company Christmas party alone.
I rented a dress and felt like a million bucks.
It was fun.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
That night, I noticed one of the owners sent me
a message on LinkedIn at one forty that seemed like
a typo. Then he started testing the waters. Maybe I
was flattered that my boss was paying attention to me.
Who knows.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Anyway, he said he wanted to ask me something and
wanted to switch to text, so I gave.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
Him my cell number.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
He started by saying how good I looked at the party,
but pretty quickly explained that he was interested in paying
me two thousand dollars a pop to bang me. I
told him thanks, eye roll. My first reaction was to
be grateful, ugh, but no thanks. He then offered to
pay me for my silence. I assured him I would
never tell and didn't want any money. He asked me
(11:09):
to delete the text, but I kept them. I was
scared there would be retaliation because I turned him down.
Nothing has happened since then. Now that I've had time
to process the severity of what happened, I'm just mad.
I want to make a scene in front of everyone
at the company and call this bastard out and leave.
What should I do? My heart is broken. I thought
I'd found a new family and a new job. Sincerely,
(11:30):
Vicky and Vicky, I know some stuff has sort of
like come out a little bit since you wrote in
as well, right with like other.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Cares, I've got some updates, Hi, Vicky.
Speaker 5 (11:41):
Hi, So I did go forward with my information to
the COO, and they the disciplinary action that happened was
that this man was told that he can only work remotely. Now,
you know, everything was documented they said they were shocked,
they couldn't believe it, which I don't believe that they're
shocked at all. Anyway, they I thought, you know, maybe
(12:04):
this had happened to somebody else, But they made me
sign this paper that said that I wouldn't talk about
it to preserve the culture, which is obviously amazing at
the company I work for. So I'm not supposed to
talk about it with other people or the disciplinary action
or why this guy doesn't come into the office anymore.
So I did talk to somebody and I asked them,
I thought maybe she had a similar experience, and she had.
(12:25):
She's twenty four, she was young, and he actually grabbed
her butt and told her he would pay her twice
as much as she was making to be his becking
call girl, you know, and like meet him wherever for sex.
And she said no.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
She still worked for the.
Speaker 5 (12:39):
Company, and she was crying when she told me. And
I was just like furious, because you know, I think
it's probably a lot of women that have dealt with
this and stayed silent because she was scared she wouldn't,
you know, they wouldn't believe her, and you know, who
is she to make these accusations, so she never came forward.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
And would she be willing to come forward?
Speaker 5 (12:59):
Now I didn't ask her, but she did thank me
for coming forward. And that's kind of where we left at.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
But I think she would Listen, you signed something.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
I don't really know how binding all of that shit is,
because also there's new information. Now you're not just talking
about yourself, you're talking about that it's happened to other women.
And he's an owner of this company. What kind of
company is it.
Speaker 5 (13:20):
It's a construction company, so there's two original owners, but
they've been bought out by a private equity group, so
they have some ownership still.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
And it's like a mid size company, so like not
something tiny, not something some giant corporation.
Speaker 4 (13:35):
So yeah, and so your human resources department that's part
of the private equity human resources.
Speaker 5 (13:40):
Right, we don't have a human resource department that I'm
aware of.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Okay, Well that's the first problem.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Yeah, I would, I would go back and go I'm sorry,
but I've learned that there are more than one person
without mentioning anyone's names without their permission, but that there's
more than one person that this happened to. And now
this is a different set of circumstances. So I want
to know what you're going to do because being working
him working remotely is inacceptable. Like this is now a
pattern of behavior, and these women are we're talking about
(14:10):
all coming forward. So what are you going to do
to prevent this from happening? Because he needs to be removed.
This is not something that you work around. And I
just don't think you could ever sit around. And I mean,
he's just going to do it again to someone else.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Right, and it definitely has been.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
If you are worried at all, you could say, like
she came to me, That's how I found out about this.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I'm not going to reveal who.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
It is, but like this seems to me like something
they know is happening and is a pattern of behavior,
like they already I would imagine knew about this before you,
because this doesn't sound like his first if he immediately
was like, oh, can I pay you to be silent?
Speaker 3 (14:47):
Like he he.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Knows how this goes, he knows what is going to
happen next, And I know you need the job and everything,
but the fact that they didn't even offer you anything
for your silence, They just were like, hey, sign this
that honestly makes me kind of pissed.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
Yeah, I don't think it's that legally binding, Like no, yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
And it's just about not talking to coworkers, right, it's
not you know.
Speaker 5 (15:13):
They also had told me in a verbal conversation that
I was getting a fat raise this year, and then
after that was before this happened, and then after it happened,
my fat raise was three thousand dollars, so it came
out to ten dollars a week on a paycheck after
my taxes.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
So not that bad.
Speaker 5 (15:29):
I mean, that's not what I don't think they would
consider it fat.
Speaker 6 (15:32):
No.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
I will also say I talked to an attorney and
they said she needs to talk to a lawyer. So
keep documents of everything, keep records of everything. But you
should probably go see it an attorney as well.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Yeah, I'm definitely going to. I think it's just I
think it's my responsibility as a woman raised by Chelsea,
to you know, to speak up for other women. And
I think, you know, we've all had it, Like it's enough.
I mean they've been getting away with this behavior and enough.
I'm not gonna just I'm not going to live in
a world where I don't have a voice, you know,
and I have a lot to offer and I want
(16:07):
to be rewarded for that in the workplace, and I
want to have a safe work environment for myself and
for everybody.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Good for you, Good for you.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
I love everything you're saying, and you're right, you know,
some people are not as strong as you, and sometimes,
like I feel very responsible for being a strong, strong
woman for all the other women that aren't going to
be strong, like I'm standing up for them.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
So and I think you're the same.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
So I think that you just take that with you
in every step you take in this arena, because they
need to get rid of him. He doesn't get to
be an owner and offer people two thousand first of all,
two thousand dollars for sex is insulting, Like, I know, excuse.
Speaker 5 (16:41):
Me, I know, Demi Moore got a million and Robert Redford,
you know.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Right, right right?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Does this guy look like Robert Redford?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Because hey, well no, I think the thing I would
have been more also offended by is like, wait, you're
talking to other people about.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
This too, You're trying to do other people.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Yeah, yeah, just be ah are for women, you know,
just keep that in your mind and please don't like
let this go.
Speaker 5 (17:06):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
I'm on it. Give us updates, please do we would.
Speaker 5 (17:10):
Like to hear take care, thank you.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Yeah. I talked to a lawyer and she was like,
sue the shit out of them, Like she needs to
sue them. That's insane.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
It's unbelievable.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
I just love the psychology of thinking about how men
in this day and age still are thinking that they
can get away with shit like that because they can.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
They can in all walks of life. They still get
away with it.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
And you're like, excuse me, you cannot offer to have
sex pay money to have sex with me as an.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
Employee at your work.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Please go do that with someone on the street or
some woman you meet.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Somewhere else who is a sex worker.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
It's so stupid.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
My favorite part, though, is like, who is trying to
hit on their coworkers through LinkedIn? Like what a total lamo?
I just thought that was so ridiculous.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Well, I think that goes hand in hand with offering
someone two thousand to have sex, right, step it up,
hitting on someone on LinkedIn using that as a rayah
and then yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Uh okay, Well our next caller, Stephanie has gotten sober
and has some questions about dealing with past mistakes. Dear Chelsea,
I've been personally struggling with grieving the past and honoring
my sobriety. In January, I recently hit a year, but
the emotions make me feel like I'm still in month four.
(18:28):
A few years ago, I was a real jerk to
loved ones and friends around me and didn't realize I
was inflicting pain on others due to my trauma responses.
I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and haven't fully dealt
with a sexual assault when I was fourteen, which I've
discovered in therapy led me.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
To drinking pretty young.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Unfortunately, I guess in this area, I struggle with self
forgiveness looking back. Being on medication and quitting drinking alcohol
a year ago has led me to uncork the bottled
up feelings pun very much intended for context. I was
so hammered once at a friend's engagement party that the
hangover lasted three whole days, and I have never even
wanted to smell alcohol wine specifically, since then. I find
(19:08):
it hard to push past how heavy these emotions are,
no matter how much time has passed. In terms of
grieving all of the past. Do you have any tips
that don't require me sitting down and meditating with the thoughts.
I am insanely hyperactive and have a difficult time sitting still,
but find hands on and movement type of activities can
be helpful. Yes, I have ADHD. I lost certain friendships
(19:28):
when I decided to get sober as well. To throw
even more of a curveball, I stopped smoking weed and
taking edibles for the time being, because I was also
using that as a major coping mechanism. How do you
experience the stages of grief and do you have any
tips for getting through them?
Speaker 3 (19:43):
All the best stuff? Hi staff, high staff.
Speaker 4 (19:46):
Hello, good for you for getting sober and for quitting
weed and using all of kit taking away all of
your aids.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Thanks. That's tough.
Speaker 6 (19:57):
It's been one of those journeys where I'll just be
like really deep and thought about something and I'm like, well,
I could go back to that whatever I was doing prior,
But then in the moment I'm like, okay, well let's
let's get this all focused and focus on the breathing
and all that. So it's been pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Well that's great.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
I mean listen, your vehemence against and meditation leads me
to believe that you would probably.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Benefit the most from it.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Anyone who really doesn't want to do something like that
that is always beneficial, that has scientifically proven to work,
I think would be a great tool for you because
of your adamance against it.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
So let's that is one thing.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
But like the fact that you're already kind of on
your way to that, and and you know, we talk
about meditation a lot on this podcast, but it really
is about centering yourself, setting yourself up for success each day.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Each day you're like, this is great. I'm going to
crush it.
Speaker 4 (20:55):
I'm going to be balanced, centered, non reactive, and I'm
going to use the tools that I have, whether they
being like positive affirmations in the morning, waking up and
being like I wake up every morning and I look
in the mirror and I'm like, look at you. You're
a cutie pie, and look what you're gonna do today.
Like I literally talk to myself like that because I
want to be in playful mode as much as possible, you.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Know what I mean. I don't want to be stressed
or reactive or get upset. I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to lose my temper.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
So we all have our kind of shortcomings that we're
working against, right Like, whatever our personality attributes are or
defaults are. And I think that you're already, like you've
done so much stuff to better yourself, there's really no
stopping you now. So it's kind of whatever you decide
is going to set you up each day and to understand,
like one of the greatest things about about meditation is
(21:44):
sitting still and just letting emotions move through you. And
you don't necessarily have to do a mantra or something
like I do a mantra every day with whatever guided
meditation I do, and I don't do it every day,
you know, every single day, But you can do that
without out, without the guided meditation, you could just sit
and be like, this is me today, this is what
(22:05):
I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna drink, I'm not gonna smoke,
I'm going to be in my body. I'm going to
experience my grief, but nothing is going to consume me,
you know. So it's kind of just like writing a
love letter to yourself and then honoring that each day
when you wake up and being like, Okay, this is
who I am, and this is who I want to be,
and this is where I'm going.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
You know, the past is the past.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Don't worry about that because you're correcting so many things
and moving into your future with such love and light.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Just add to that.
Speaker 4 (22:33):
Anything you choose to do, whether it's a mantra, whether
it's positive affirmations, whether it's writing down making a gratitude
journal each day, or whether it's silent meditation, group meditation,
you know, whatever it is that you click with, you
should try and exhaust all of those things. Like try
something for two weeks and then if you're like it's
not working, okay, fine, but you'll be surprised what will
(22:55):
work for you when you're of present mind and you're open, yeah, helpful.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
And are you doing any kind of like twelve step
anything anything like that, or you were just like, I
never want to drink again.
Speaker 6 (23:07):
Yeah, so I kind of made that decision. I had
my friend's engagement party and I got so hammered. It
lasted three days. My hangover it was terrible. I think
it was also bad wine, But I digress, and I
kind of just woke up like after that weekend and
being like, I never even want to smell this ever again,
(23:27):
I don't even want to I don't even want to
look at it. So I'm not in any program. However,
a friend of mine who both of our one year
dates are kind of around the same time, she actually
co founded this organization called ap Sober Socials. They're based
in Asbury Park, New Jersey, but they have a bunch
of you know, activities for people who are looking to
(23:48):
have a community and you know, support the poetry readings.
They did karaoke a few times at one of the
vegan spots over there.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Oh vegan karaoke.
Speaker 6 (23:58):
Oh it's such a blast.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
I can imagine being in sofer karaoke.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Yes, what Chelsea was saying as far as like meditation
and having a mantra, I love that. And if you
are finding you can't you know, still still can't focus,
you might try adding some movement in with that. So
adding in some yoga, which is very meditative, but like
having a mantra while you're doing that, I think can
help get some of it out of your like the
guilt feelings out of your body.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
And then also I.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Was just thinking, this feels like maybe something to journal
about too. I don't know if you do any journaling,
but just being like curious with yourself about like why
do I have these sort of like cyclical thoughts about
guilt around this or any other specific times, and doing
some journaling around that, and then once you've sort of
examined that for yourself, maybe writing a letter just so
(24:45):
you can be.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Like, hey, I messed up.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
I love you getting it out to them, and even
if you get no response, you'll know like your side
of the street is clean, and just like finding ways
to get that sort of outside of you. But it
sounds like you're doing some a lot of active things
and putting community around you, which is amazing.
Speaker 5 (25:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (25:05):
I also I do the aerial arts, so like poll
and stuff. And also that's become like such a stable
ground for me just kind of like you know, working
on new moves and like challenging myself. And there's a
whole like neurological thing about it where like you know,
it can open up different neuropathways and like your brain
and stuff, and just like putting yourself in situations that
(25:27):
you normally wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Good that's awesome.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
I also like to think in terms of like self
help and betterment. I like to think of it as
like a positive pyramid scheme, Like you're you're piling in like, Okay,
you go to therapy, you quit drinking, you go to
you know, you quit your smoking weed, and you do
all these good things for yourself. You're doing this it
kind of exercise and like kind of spiritual exercise in
your explanation of it, And you're piling all these things
(25:52):
on to like think of a blanket and you're just
piling them all on. You're basically like building this kind
of like protective.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Voting around yourself, you know.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
So like the more that you can add to that pile,
like Okay, this brings me joy, this brings me calm,
This brings me comfort and clarity, like the more that
you are protecting your like kind of soul and your
and your person. And instead of thinking of it as
like a defense, I think of it as like just armor,
you know, like very protective armor, so that you are
(26:22):
always protected by yourself. And so whenever I think of like,
oh okay, I'm going to add this to my repertoire.
I'm going to do this journaling for a month or whatever,
I decide to do. I always think of like this
blanket where I'm just putting more and more goodness on it,
you know, so that that is my comfort zone. And
I'm in that blanket surrounded by all of the tools
that I've learned. So I think if you kind of
(26:43):
like picture that and whatever that means for you, you know,
but just think of that like self preservation, self protection
in a positive way, not in a defensive way.
Speaker 6 (26:53):
Yeah, do you find that because I know some people
you know, I'll post those like thirty day like journaling challenges,
is that it's on a specific prompt and then you
know each time you're like diving deeper, do you find
those to be helpful or do you kind of just
go based off of how you're feeling and kind of
go from there, Because I feel like for me, there's
(27:13):
like so many different thoughts going at once, so like
in order to like focus on one specific area, I
feel like I would need a prompt.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
But I was just curious.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
Well, I mean, I think whatever I think, it doesn't matter,
you know what I mean, as long as you're putting
effort toward yourself and healing yourself, and like, it doesn't
matter what it is. Yes, for you with ADHD, a
prompt would be good. And I think you'll be very
surprised from meditating. I had bad ADD before I meditated.
I don't think I have ADHD. I have ADD, but
(27:44):
I don't. I can focus so easily now, like the
benefits you reap from it, you are not even like
you don't even know what they are yet. So I
just wouldn't ever say, like dismiss something, you know, like yes,
go journal and get a prompt if that's going to
help you focus. But all of these exercises are going
to help in your focus in general. They're going to
(28:04):
make you be able to pay more attention for longer
periods of time. And it's just they're all training exercises
for the brain, and it's an act of self love,
all all of it is.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
Yeah. I found that as well, is when I'm meditating
really regularly, my attention span just like gets a lot
longer and it really helps with my ADHD as well.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think try those prompts. I think that'd
be amazing. And also when you are meditating, you know,
have a mantra or do like breath counts. For me,
it helps keep my mind from wandering off. It's just
being able to you know, doing one to ten, doing
box breathing. You know, there's a ton of different ways
to do breath counts.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
So all right, is that helpful?
Speaker 5 (28:43):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (28:44):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Okay, great, Well, congrats on everything you've accomplished. I'm proud
of you, even though I don't know you. Thank you.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
All right, Thanks stuff, keep us posted, check in with
us in thirty days. Okay, alrighty, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Bye, take care, Hi, Cuty.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I think that's so interesting with like how you were
saying your attention span gets longer or it's like help
with your add It's weird how how that can help.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
Yeah, because you think add. Yeah, no, you have control
over your ADD. I didn't learn that until I started meditating.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And it's such a relief.
Speaker 4 (29:21):
I even, like, you know, even being here is meditative
for me because I have so much other stuff going on.
I'm skiing, I'm not on my phone, I'm not on
socials nearly as much.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
I barely check anything.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
And like I saw, my screen time last week was
like down forty seven percent. Each week it's down another
you know, and I'm like, oh, awesome, awesome, awesome.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
You know, I don't want to be someone who's sitting
here tied to my phone. I don't want to.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
I mean, it's different because I'm in Whistler, so I
have skiing and I have guests all the time. It's
different than being at home in La, where I'm you.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Know, more prone to be like looking at my.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Oh, I think you're busy, so you're like, okay, got
to turn my brain off.
Speaker 4 (29:55):
Yeah yeah, But it's it's nice to not be so
reliant on your It's nice to not check it or
be obsessed or look at your you know, be obsessed
with how many how you're posted.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
You know, it's nice to like let all that go.
Not controlling the.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
Outcome of things is like my my thing this season.
Just don't try to control the outcome of things. Let
everything happen the way it's supposed to happen. Instead of
inserting myself and being like, no, I'm going to make
this happen. It's like, no, no, I don't need to
make anything happen. I've made enough happen. Now, I want
to sit back and enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
My my thing that I've been sort of focusing on
lately is just like taking a beat before making a
decision on something or even responding.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Sometimes I realize like if I just like give it
a couple.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Of days, I find I realize new things about the situation.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
And I also find like I'm not.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
As activated by it, so I can sort of think
more clearly about it.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
And oftentimes I find like I actually.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Don't need to have any drama around that or even
confront something or it's usually little stuff, but yeah, I'm
finding that to be really helpful is just being like,
what if I just don't try to fix this right now?
Speaker 4 (31:07):
Yeah, and also not reacting to things like sometimes something
will happen and I'm like, I don't like that, and
then it's like, who cares, It doesn't matter if I
don't like it, it doesn't matter. Just move on, Like, don't focus.
I don't have to address every single thing I don't like.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
And it just is like it's nice to let yourself
off the hook that you don't have to fix everything,
you don't have to deal with everything, and I don't know,
it's more relaxing.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Our last question comes from Melina. She's twenty eight. Dear Chelsea,
my name is Melina. I'm twenty eight Indigenous Navajo, transfeminine, bisexual, single,
and I love a Long Island iced tea. Lately, I've
been having an issue with one of my two older sisters.
I'm the youngest. She's always been a bit troubled. She's
matured and has come to find herself in a place
(31:55):
of healing from alcoholism and is now staying in the
same city as me. Although I'm very happy for her,
we were never very close growing up, and we'd have
moments where it felt like we would bond, but something
would uproot it. I became independent and found success in
my own way. I live alone, I work, I've found friends,
I have a chosen family, and despite having a bit
of a problem with alcohol, I'm overall very happy. My
(32:17):
issue is this, my middle sister is starting to come
around and trying to care about me. I know it's
genuinely coming from a place of love and trying to
patch up our past, and while I'm not against that,
I really don't feel that I need it. I know
how to take care of myself. She wants me to
spill all my feelings and lean on her any chance
I can, and it annoys me because in the back
of my head I want to tell her I don't
(32:38):
need an older sister now. I needed one back then.
She and I don't have bad blood and I don't
harbor resentment for any of the past things. Besides, when
she tries to do this, I appreciate it, but at
times it feels pushy and intrusive. Am I inconsiderate for
not wanting to let her in. I express myself emotionally
to a lot of people, but for some reason, she
feels more like a stranger than most. Please let me
(33:00):
know your thoughts. I love you your mindset, your comedy,
your work ethic, and your overall attitude on life. Thanks
so much for any advice. Molina.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
Yeah, I think, Melina.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
I honestly, what I'm hearing from you is that you're
holding a grudge against your sister. And listen, she might
be overstepping, but she at least she's trying to be
your sister now and you can't change the past. So
she didn't show up for you when you wanted her
to the most, but she's here now and that kind
of like grudge holding isn't helpful. Even if you don't
(33:31):
think you're holding a grudge, I'm telling you that's what
you're doing. I needed her then, I don't need her
now is a grudge. So I think that you could
be a little bit more open hearted with her, and
you don't have to let her be your confidant, but
you can meet her halfway and allow her to be
in your life in a loving way, like give back
(33:51):
the love that she's showing you. Even if it's pushy
to you, just accept it more than reject it, you know,
just open it, like yourself to it. And you don't
know how nice and helpful it can be at any time,
Like you might be going through something down the road
in two years and you're going to be so grateful
that you have your sister and that you have formed
(34:12):
this relationship and.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
That she's there for you, or vice versa. She may
go through something and you're going to be there for her.
Speaker 4 (34:19):
And like I just I'm always very adamant that you
should be as close to your sisters as possible.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
They're a gift. Having sisters is a gift.
Speaker 4 (34:27):
And yes they're all fucking annoying on a certain level,
but bigger than that is like the love and the
history and the memories that you share. You are the
only people that were raised by the same people. You
are the only people who understand what it was like
growing up in your household, and like that is a
very very special bond. And so I would say, you know,
(34:47):
forget about the past, just focus on what's happening right now.
And she's trying to show up for you. Give her
a break a little bit.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Yeah, we talk a big game on this show specifically
about you know, if you're having trouble with a family
member and you might need to cut them out of
your life for a time. But like people can and
do change, and we hope they will in the future.
And I think this is a moment where someone is
trying to show you that they have changed and is
trying to be more open and you know, in a
way that feels safe with you. I think you absolutely
(35:18):
should try to have a relationship with her. It doesn't
have to be spilling all your guts, you know, keep
it light, keep it surface, especially in the beginning, until
you find out you know what works for you. She
doesn't have to be your best friend, but if she's
someone that you go to coffee with a couple of
times a month or once a month, I think that
that can be really enriching to both of your lives,
(35:39):
and I would say give it a shot.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Yeah, agreed with that.
Speaker 3 (35:44):
All right, thanks Molina, keep us posted.
Speaker 4 (35:46):
Okay, So we'll take a break to wrap up and
we'll be right back. And we're back, okay with Chelsea
Handler and Catherine La Hi.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
Okay, So I'll give you a choice.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Do you want to do bad finances or sexual harassment bartender?
Speaker 4 (36:06):
I'll take sexual harassment for five hundred please, okay.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
Rachel is a bartender in the Midwest. Dear Chelsea, I'm
a thirty three year old bartender in Ohio. I live
in a small city and most of my patrons are men.
They range from early afternoon retirees to midday happy hour guys,
varying anywhere between blue collar workers to white collar lawyers
and bankers. Our evening crowd is younger than me and
most definitely upbeat. They are culturally opposite from the daytime
(36:34):
usuals in most aspects, from what they drink to how
they tip, and what songs they play on the jukebox.
But one thing remains pretty common. These Midwest men think
that telling women to smile and commenting on boob's body
clothing is friendly and flirty or worse flattering, they're commonly
explicitly sexist, and that makes my feminist.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Blood boil me too.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
Yeah, I love my coworkers and bosses, so leaving isn't ideal.
And I also assume, like anywhere else she goes, it's
going to be the same thing. I have thick skin
and can brush a lot off. Don't get me wrong,
I speak my mind sometimes to a fault. My problem
is about income. My pay is almost totally tip based,
So how do I balance my inner go fuck yourself
(37:17):
and otherwise stand up for myself with the reality that
I'm relying on mostly sexist men for the majority of
my income. How do I play nice enough to make
money and still keep my dignity. Most of my attempts
have left me with gaslighting or misplaced anger, which I
can handle, but the zero dollar tip on the line
that's hard to handle.
Speaker 3 (37:36):
Seeking your input, Rachel.
Speaker 4 (37:39):
We talked about this a little bit a couple episodes ago,
about framing the way that you talk to people who
are disrespecting you or treating you in a sexist manner,
and I think this is I was talking with my
girlfriends on the chair lift yesterday about it too, because
there is a way to talk to men without making
them defensive about what they're saying. There's a way to
be jocular about it, like to say, oh God.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Can you imagine the situation I'm in.
Speaker 4 (38:02):
I'm sitting here behind a bar, working for you, relying
on the money that you're gonna give me, and then
you just get to talk to me the way whatever
way you want.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Can you imagine what it's like to be a woman?
Speaker 4 (38:12):
Like there are playful ways to address what's happening to
you without it becoming a problem. Now, not every man
is going to be open to that conversation or enlightened
by that tone, but there are men, and I think
you can discern which men those are going to be.
Where it's worth it and where it's not worth it,
Because it's not worth it for you to kind of
bite your tongue every single time you get sexually harassed
(38:35):
or dismissed as being like, you know, just being objectified
or whatever. But I think it is worth it to
go at men a little bit in a way that
they can swallow, which is playful, kind of like, you know,
not so serious, not strident, not screaming, not yelling, but
just like, oh god, I wish you guys could feel
what it's like to be me for a day, can you?
You know, like really just playing with the idea. And
(38:57):
that's not the only way to do it. There are
probably fifty other ways to do it. But so that
you don't feel like you didn't say anything, and you
also don't feel like it was fall it fell on
deaf ears. You want to feel like you said something,
it mattered and you stood up for yourself. And you
can't control the outcome of that either, but at least
you're not rolling over.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
If there's somebody who is being an ongoing problem. I
do love taking it from a perspective that's like not
just God, you're horrible, you know.
Speaker 3 (39:27):
I think also, you know, waiting to say something until
after you close out their tib and get the tip.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
I heard something the other day, and this was from
someone who I believe is like a stripper, but she said,
and I don't know if this is something that you
can pull off at your bar, like talk to management,
talk to the bouncers and things, but basically telling them like, hey,
we have an extra fee. Anytime there's a comment like that,
and it actually gets added to your bill, so like
(39:53):
keep them coming, and like anytime they make a comment
like that, a fifteen dollars, you know, fifteen bucks gets
added to their tab.
Speaker 1 (39:59):
Yeah, maybe that's a good idea too.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
Like basically there's a penalty for like talking like that
and like feel free, go ahead, but every time you
make a comment or you know, talk about my boobs
or whatever, fifteen bucks is getting added to your tab
or whatever price you decide could be a fun way
to handle it. And then you're sort of like reclaiming
the power and they can stop or they can keep going,
and then you just make a bunch of money.
Speaker 4 (40:20):
Okay, cool, good luck, Rachel, Well, Chelsea, Yes, yes, Catherine,
we really did it today.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
We really did.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Lots of men behaving badly, very unusual, very such a shock,
such a shock.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
Okay, you have a great day. Thanks guys. Okay, guy,
So for stand up.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
I'm coming to Salt Lake City on April fourth, and
I'm coming to Denver, Colorado, and April fifth. Tickets are
still available for those two. Maricopa, Arizona is April twelfth,
and then Brooks, California is April thirteenth. And we added
a second show in Sydney, and we added a second
show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to
(41:01):
be May twenty fourth. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl,
which is so fun. I performed there last year. That's
August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We ended a second
show at Santa Rosa on August second, and we added
two dates at Hawaii. Guys, I'm coming to Hawaii on
July nineteenth.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
To CA Who Louis.
Speaker 4 (41:24):
I'm going to be at CA Who Louis, and then
I'm coming on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I
just added another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So
and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up,
and I will be announcing a European tour shortly, so
I will be coming there. And I'm coming to Oklahoma.
(41:45):
I have two dates at Oklahoma May third, which is
my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will
be in.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
Thackerville, Oklahoma.
Speaker 4 (41:53):
So Oklahomians, Oklahomas, Oklahom's come bye.
Speaker 3 (41:59):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com
Hello, Catherine, it's chilly Chelsea. Hi, yye hi Hi, what's happening?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Oh man, just got back from a weekend in Phoenix
with all of my in laws and my folks and
it was really fun.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Oh well good.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
It was also peaceful because I like gave myself time away.
I like let Brad and his family have their time,
and I gave you know, myself some decompression time and
it was peaceful.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Love. Well, good for you for going to Phoenix. I'm
yeah for congratulations.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
It was actually the weather was incredible.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
It was like Sally Sonny beautiful, like not a hot
day in sight.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
It was perfection.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
I have a show in Maracopa, Arizona, so oh yeah yeah,
so I will be in Arizona at some point.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Soon, hopefully before the hot weather comes.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
You could buy those tickets at Chelseahandler dot com.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
This isn't exactly an update, but this is just a
sweet letter that we got from a listener that I
thought was really great because we've been getting a lot
of emails about book lists and book recommendations and all
that good stuff. So Crystal says to your Chelsea, not
needing advice today, but just wanted to write and say
that you inspired me to start reading. I've never been
a big reader, but because I knew it was important,
(01:12):
I've always read to my children every day from the
day they were born. My daughter is now nine and
reads books on her own before bed each night. I
always wanted them to love reading, because I always wished
that I did.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
But you and.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Catherine are always talking about different books and how wonderful
they are, and how people aren't doing it as much anymore.
All of that, coupled with the fact that I basically
trained my daughter to love reading, inspired me to try again.
One of my first books was one of Chelsea's, about
a year ago, and from there I.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Just haven't stopped.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Ah I know, I'm really enjoying it and actually feeling
that it has enriched my life in ways I wasn't expecting.
I get so much joy out of such little effort.
I must stay at home mom of ten years, and
these four walls get so small after a while. It's
a gift to be able to escape in a healthy way.
So all this is to say thank you, thank you
for sharing books you're reading, sharing your passionate about it,
(02:02):
and reminding us just how important it is with.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Love a crystal.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Well, that's great.
Speaker 4 (02:07):
I love I love it. I love it. Reading is
a gift. We're so lucky to be able to like
get free entertainment. I mean, they're not free books, but
it's cheap entertainment the library, they are, yeah, right, yeah,
you can check them out at the library.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I used to check out books at the library with
my mom.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
We'd go to the library and Martha's Vineyard and I
would get six books and she would get six books.
And we would just always like I would read six
books at a time and she would and they were
all like choose your own adventures, you know, like stupid
shit when I was young, but I just loved the
putting down a book, going to the next one. And
now the girls, Katie and Jesse, my two sixteen year
old popsy twins, they are reading like crazy. Like Katie
(02:43):
spent the weekend and she was up to like two
in the morning reading her book, and I'm like yes.
And when I met them, they didn't even read books.
They were like, what we're not reading? And then yeah,
so it's so cute.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
I love that. Yeah, it's so. It makes your vocabulary bigger,
it makes you smarter. It helps you're spelling.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Speaking of staying up late reading, I once was watching
my nieces and my one niece was probably like eleven
or twelve, and she had gotten into the Harry Potter
books and it was just me with my two nieces.
My knew this is a school day, and my niece
now is that I love reading?
Speaker 3 (03:16):
She goes.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I woke up at one in the morning and started
reading my book and I never stopped.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
I've been awake since one of the morning reading And
I was.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Like, oh, oh, how cute?
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Is that so cute?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
But I was like, you're about to have the most
miserable day ever because you're gonna fall asleep in class.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
So she was pretty crabby and we had a little
early bedtime that night. But I was like, that's very sweet,
but maybe maybe we don't do that again.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That's cute.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Was there a specific book.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
I know you said she's your own adventure books, but
was there a specific book that you really.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Like got you into reading as a kid.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
No, all the books. I read everything.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
I mean, I read serious books when I was little,
my dad forced me. And then when I had my own,
like you know, I could read what I wanted Beverly
Cleary and like you know, Judy Bloom and all that,
and then Sweet Valley High.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Yeah, I love amazing.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
That was my favorite, and then a lot to choose
your own adventures.
Speaker 4 (04:09):
I would just go through them like any kid and
go to the War the first, go to page twenty eight.
Then I would go back and go to page thirty five,
and you know, I just love that.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
There is nothing more fun than those.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
I know, I know, I guess they have them for adults,
but they I think they do.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
But I don't think that that I'm that interested in
that anymore.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Should we jump into some questions, Chelsea.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
Absolutely, let's do it. We have a one on one
episode today.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
We sure do.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Okay, So this one is a little bit of a
complicated one, Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, My family and I
moved to a new neighborhood about six months ago. It's quiet,
clean and has lots of families with young children, including
my own. Shortly after moving in, we discovered that our
next door neighbor has an adult daughter who does not
(04:56):
live at the house, but is likely living out of
her beat up car, which she likes to part in
front of her mom's house. She shows up for a
few days at a time, leaves for a few days,
and then comes back. She often gets loaded and then
passes out in her car for hours in broad daylight.
Sometimes she's just in her car by herself or with others,
doing tweaker things like looking for things on the ground.
(05:16):
Whenever her daughter is brought up in conversation, the neighbor
dismisses it and says she just comes around from time
to time to use my swimming pool, and the neighbor
doesn't really seem interested in talking about what's going on.
My neighbor's boyfriend shared a little more once and said
the daughter is cut off and not allowed to enter
their home. However, it's apparent that they aren't doing anything
about their doing drugs and passing out in the car
(05:36):
in front of their house.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
I feel for my neighbor mother to mother.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
It makes me wonder if she feels more comfortable knowing
where her daughter is and having her parked out front
rather than quote on the streets.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Here's my dilemma. I couldn't care.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Less what her daughter does with her life or her
relationship with her mother, But I don't want my children
seeing her doing drugs or being passed out in her
car for hours while they play in the front yard.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
It's also quite a nice or to have a.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Tweaker hanging out in her beat up with broken windows
every time I look out while doing my dishes. Should
I try and have another conversation with her mom? How
do I approach this with her? Deep down, I really
want to just call the cops or knock on her
car window and tell her to leave, but she's technically
not on my property and I don't want to negatively
impact my relationship with my neighbor. Your advice on how
(06:19):
to handle this would be greatly appreciated, Sarah.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Well, I mean, honestly, it's none of your fucking business,
Like it's not she's not on your property. I mean
as a parent, obviously her mother isn't psyched about that either,
and I think you can relate that you would rather
have your daughter in front of your house doing drugs
than god knows where, and it's not your property, so
you have nothing to say about the matter. And sorry
(06:45):
that it's an eyesore, but there's nothing for you to do.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
That's not your business.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
And I honestly think like your kids are small. So
you know, if you tell them like, oh, she's taking
a nap, Like, I think that's probably all the explanation
that they need at this time. And like when they're
twenty five, they'll, you know, remember this lady and figure
out what was going on.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Or they won't remember anything about it, you know, right,
or they won't and it's not Yeah, and your kids
aren't gonna like that's like saying, oh, I don't want
my children exposed to transgender kids because they're going to
become trans just because there's some woman tweaking out in
a car. At least she's not on your property, she's
not talking to your children. Yeah, you're really reaching to
think that you have a say in it.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Yeah, And I know people get really bent out of
shape about like, oh, someone's parked in from my house. Whatever,
I can see it from my house. But I think
this is a family across the street that has a
really complicated thing going on, and I think this is
a moment where you need to dig deep and reach
out with kindness. Yes, you know, maybe it's even like
make a sandwich and like if she's asleep, leave it
(07:46):
on her car, or like knock on the window. If
she's awake and like hand her a sandwich or bring
her lunch, like when you see her out there, because
she's obviously going through a really tough time. You know,
calling the cops is not a solution for drug addiction.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
No, it's not.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
That is actually nice. It's like take your contempt and
turn it upside down into kindness.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Yeah, I think try and find ways where you can
meet this with kindness and giving and understand that like
this is more complicated. They're just like having a shitty
view at your window. So and also, like things do
come to an end, so this will this will go
one way or another.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
And obviously we hope that she gets help, but you know,
the family is doing the best they can, it sounds
like right now.
Speaker 4 (08:25):
And also, calling the police is definitely going to fracture
your relationship with your neighbor.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
So you can say goodbye to that if you do that, and.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It will also probably not be a solution.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
I grew up, well, this isn't this isn't exactly the same,
but it's slightly analogous. Where I grew up with my
dad had all these used cars in our driveway all
the time, and it looked like you know, the parking lot.
It looked like Sandford and Son in our neighborhood. And
we were like in a nice middle class, upper middle
class neighborhood in New Jersey, and our neighbors always called
the police on.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
My dad because of the cars.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
And it just made me, even to this day, not
like my neighbors, you know, because we became like the
eyesore of the neighborhood. And I didn't like my house either.
I wasn't happy about it either, but seeing my father,
like seeing us kind of like my father attacked and
people call, it's just embarrassing, and it's like, it's that's
(09:17):
not we're putting out love. That's just putting out disdain,
especially because you don't like something in your view and
like your eyeline.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
It's just it's silly.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
Yeah. Yeah, So I think let's try and meet this with.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
A little love and a little understanding and give us
an update if there is a change or if you
do decide to try that, and let us know kind
of how that goes.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be
right back.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
And we're back, so let's talk to our first caller.
We've got some cuties today.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Okay, let's go.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Vicky is calling in and she's got a bit of
a doozy here. So Vicky says, dear Chelsea, it's one am.
I have to get up for work in five hours.
I can't sleep so angry, and I need your advice.
A couple days ago, one of the owners of my
company offered to pay me two thousand dollars to have
sex with him. I worked for a roofing company doing admin.
(10:12):
I've been there for seven months. I was determined to
show this new group of blue collar guys just how organized,
detail oriented and smart a girl like me could be.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
And I did.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
I got two raises in the first six months and
a Christmas bonus. I attended the company Christmas party alone.
I rented a dress and felt like a million bucks.
It was fun.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
That night, I noticed one of the owners sent me
a message on LinkedIn at one forty that seemed like
a typo. Then he started testing the waters. Maybe I
was flattered that my boss was paying attention to me.
Who knows.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Anyway, he said he wanted to ask me something and
wanted to switch to text, so I gave.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
Him my cell number.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
He started by saying how good I looked at the party,
but pretty quickly explained that he was interested in paying
me two thousand dollars a pop to bang me. I
told him thanks, eye roll. My first reaction was to
be grateful, ugh, but no thanks. He then offered to
pay me for my silence. I assured him I would
never tell and didn't want any money. He asked me
(11:09):
to delete the text, but I kept them. I was
scared there would be retaliation because I turned him down.
Nothing has happened since then. Now that I've had time
to process the severity of what happened, I'm just mad.
I want to make a scene in front of everyone
at the company and call this bastard out and leave.
What should I do? My heart is broken. I thought
I'd found a new family and a new job. Sincerely,
(11:30):
Vicky and Vicky, I know some stuff has sort of
like come out a little bit since you wrote in
as well, right with like other.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Cares, I've got some updates, Hi, Vicky.
Speaker 5 (11:41):
Hi, So I did go forward with my information to
the COO, and they the disciplinary action that happened was
that this man was told that he can only work remotely. Now,
you know, everything was documented they said they were shocked,
they couldn't believe it, which I don't believe that they're
shocked at all. Anyway, they I thought, you know, maybe
(12:04):
this had happened to somebody else, But they made me
sign this paper that said that I wouldn't talk about
it to preserve the culture, which is obviously amazing at
the company I work for. So I'm not supposed to
talk about it with other people or the disciplinary action
or why this guy doesn't come into the office anymore.
So I did talk to somebody and I asked them,
I thought maybe she had a similar experience, and she had.
(12:25):
She's twenty four, she was young, and he actually grabbed
her butt and told her he would pay her twice
as much as she was making to be his becking
call girl, you know, and like meet him wherever for sex.
And she said no.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
She still worked for the.
Speaker 5 (12:39):
Company, and she was crying when she told me. And
I was just like furious, because you know, I think
it's probably a lot of women that have dealt with
this and stayed silent because she was scared she wouldn't,
you know, they wouldn't believe her, and you know, who
is she to make these accusations, so she never came forward.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
And would she be willing to come forward?
Speaker 5 (12:59):
Now I didn't ask her, but she did thank me
for coming forward. And that's kind of where we left at.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
But I think she would Listen, you signed something.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
I don't really know how binding all of that shit is,
because also there's new information. Now you're not just talking
about yourself, you're talking about that it's happened to other women.
And he's an owner of this company. What kind of
company is it.
Speaker 5 (13:20):
It's a construction company, so there's two original owners, but
they've been bought out by a private equity group, so
they have some ownership still.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
And it's like a mid size company, so like not
something tiny, not something some giant corporation.
Speaker 4 (13:35):
So yeah, and so your human resources department that's part
of the private equity human resources.
Speaker 5 (13:40):
Right, we don't have a human resource department that I'm
aware of.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Okay, Well that's the first problem.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Yeah, I would, I would go back and go I'm sorry,
but I've learned that there are more than one person
without mentioning anyone's names without their permission, but that there's
more than one person that this happened to. And now
this is a different set of circumstances. So I want
to know what you're going to do because being working
him working remotely is inacceptable. Like this is now a
pattern of behavior, and these women are we're talking about
(14:10):
all coming forward. So what are you going to do
to prevent this from happening? Because he needs to be removed.
This is not something that you work around. And I
just don't think you could ever sit around. And I mean,
he's just going to do it again to someone else.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Right, and it definitely has been.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
If you are worried at all, you could say, like
she came to me, That's how I found out about this.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I'm not going to reveal who.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
It is, but like this seems to me like something
they know is happening and is a pattern of behavior,
like they already I would imagine knew about this before you,
because this doesn't sound like his first if he immediately
was like, oh, can I pay you to be silent?
Speaker 3 (14:47):
Like he he.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Knows how this goes, he knows what is going to
happen next, And I know you need the job and everything,
but the fact that they didn't even offer you anything
for your silence, They just were like, hey, sign this
that honestly makes me kind of pissed.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
Yeah, I don't think it's that legally binding, Like no, yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
And it's just about not talking to coworkers, right, it's
not you know.
Speaker 5 (15:13):
They also had told me in a verbal conversation that
I was getting a fat raise this year, and then
after that was before this happened, and then after it happened,
my fat raise was three thousand dollars, so it came
out to ten dollars a week on a paycheck after
my taxes.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
So not that bad.
Speaker 5 (15:29):
I mean, that's not what I don't think they would
consider it fat.
Speaker 6 (15:32):
No.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
I will also say I talked to an attorney and
they said she needs to talk to a lawyer. So
keep documents of everything, keep records of everything. But you
should probably go see it an attorney as well.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Yeah, I'm definitely going to. I think it's just I
think it's my responsibility as a woman raised by Chelsea,
to you know, to speak up for other women. And
I think, you know, we've all had it, Like it's enough.
I mean they've been getting away with this behavior and enough.
I'm not gonna just I'm not going to live in
a world where I don't have a voice, you know,
and I have a lot to offer and I want
(16:07):
to be rewarded for that in the workplace, and I
want to have a safe work environment for myself and
for everybody.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Good for you, Good for you.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
I love everything you're saying, and you're right, you know,
some people are not as strong as you, and sometimes,
like I feel very responsible for being a strong, strong
woman for all the other women that aren't going to
be strong, like I'm standing up for them.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
So and I think you're the same.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
So I think that you just take that with you
in every step you take in this arena, because they
need to get rid of him. He doesn't get to
be an owner and offer people two thousand first of all,
two thousand dollars for sex is insulting, Like, I know, excuse.
Speaker 5 (16:41):
Me, I know, Demi Moore got a million and Robert Redford,
you know.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Right, right right?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Does this guy look like Robert Redford?
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Because hey, well no, I think the thing I would
have been more also offended by is like, wait, you're
talking to other people about.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
This too, You're trying to do other people.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Yeah, yeah, just be ah are for women, you know,
just keep that in your mind and please don't like
let this go.
Speaker 5 (17:06):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
I'm on it. Give us updates, please do we would.
Speaker 5 (17:10):
Like to hear take care, thank you.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Yeah. I talked to a lawyer and she was like,
sue the shit out of them, Like she needs to
sue them. That's insane.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
It's unbelievable.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
I just love the psychology of thinking about how men
in this day and age still are thinking that they
can get away with shit like that because they can.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
They can in all walks of life. They still get
away with it.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
And you're like, excuse me, you cannot offer to have
sex pay money to have sex with me as an.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
Employee at your work.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Please go do that with someone on the street or
some woman you meet.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Somewhere else who is a sex worker.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
It's so stupid.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
My favorite part, though, is like, who is trying to
hit on their coworkers through LinkedIn? Like what a total lamo?
I just thought that was so ridiculous.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Well, I think that goes hand in hand with offering
someone two thousand to have sex, right, step it up,
hitting on someone on LinkedIn using that as a rayah
and then yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Uh okay, Well our next caller, Stephanie has gotten sober
and has some questions about dealing with past mistakes. Dear Chelsea,
I've been personally struggling with grieving the past and honoring
my sobriety. In January, I recently hit a year, but
the emotions make me feel like I'm still in month four.
(18:28):
A few years ago, I was a real jerk to
loved ones and friends around me and didn't realize I
was inflicting pain on others due to my trauma responses.
I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and haven't fully dealt
with a sexual assault when I was fourteen, which I've
discovered in therapy led me.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
To drinking pretty young.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Unfortunately, I guess in this area, I struggle with self
forgiveness looking back. Being on medication and quitting drinking alcohol
a year ago has led me to uncork the bottled
up feelings pun very much intended for context. I was
so hammered once at a friend's engagement party that the
hangover lasted three whole days, and I have never even
wanted to smell alcohol wine specifically, since then. I find
(19:08):
it hard to push past how heavy these emotions are,
no matter how much time has passed. In terms of
grieving all of the past. Do you have any tips
that don't require me sitting down and meditating with the thoughts.
I am insanely hyperactive and have a difficult time sitting still,
but find hands on and movement type of activities can
be helpful. Yes, I have ADHD. I lost certain friendships
(19:28):
when I decided to get sober as well. To throw
even more of a curveball, I stopped smoking weed and
taking edibles for the time being, because I was also
using that as a major coping mechanism. How do you
experience the stages of grief and do you have any
tips for getting through them?
Speaker 3 (19:43):
All the best stuff? Hi staff, high staff.
Speaker 4 (19:46):
Hello, good for you for getting sober and for quitting
weed and using all of kit taking away all of
your aids.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Thanks. That's tough.
Speaker 6 (19:57):
It's been one of those journeys where I'll just be
like really deep and thought about something and I'm like, well,
I could go back to that whatever I was doing prior,
But then in the moment I'm like, okay, well let's
let's get this all focused and focus on the breathing
and all that. So it's been pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Well that's great.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
I mean listen, your vehemence against and meditation leads me
to believe that you would probably.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Benefit the most from it.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Anyone who really doesn't want to do something like that
that is always beneficial, that has scientifically proven to work,
I think would be a great tool for you because
of your adamance against it.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
So let's that is one thing.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
But like the fact that you're already kind of on
your way to that, and and you know, we talk
about meditation a lot on this podcast, but it really
is about centering yourself, setting yourself up for success each day.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Each day you're like, this is great. I'm going to
crush it.
Speaker 4 (20:55):
I'm going to be balanced, centered, non reactive, and I'm
going to use the tools that I have, whether they
being like positive affirmations in the morning, waking up and
being like I wake up every morning and I look
in the mirror and I'm like, look at you. You're
a cutie pie, and look what you're gonna do today.
Like I literally talk to myself like that because I
want to be in playful mode as much as possible, you.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Know what I mean. I don't want to be stressed
or reactive or get upset. I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to lose my temper.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
So we all have our kind of shortcomings that we're
working against, right Like, whatever our personality attributes are or
defaults are. And I think that you're already, like you've
done so much stuff to better yourself, there's really no
stopping you now. So it's kind of whatever you decide
is going to set you up each day and to understand,
like one of the greatest things about about meditation is
(21:44):
sitting still and just letting emotions move through you. And
you don't necessarily have to do a mantra or something
like I do a mantra every day with whatever guided
meditation I do, and I don't do it every day,
you know, every single day, But you can do that
without out, without the guided meditation, you could just sit
and be like, this is me today, this is what
(22:05):
I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna drink, I'm not gonna smoke,
I'm going to be in my body. I'm going to
experience my grief, but nothing is going to consume me,
you know. So it's kind of just like writing a
love letter to yourself and then honoring that each day
when you wake up and being like, Okay, this is
who I am, and this is who I want to be,
and this is where I'm going.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
You know, the past is the past.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Don't worry about that because you're correcting so many things
and moving into your future with such love and light.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Just add to that.
Speaker 4 (22:33):
Anything you choose to do, whether it's a mantra, whether
it's positive affirmations, whether it's writing down making a gratitude
journal each day, or whether it's silent meditation, group meditation,
you know, whatever it is that you click with, you
should try and exhaust all of those things. Like try
something for two weeks and then if you're like it's
not working, okay, fine, but you'll be surprised what will
(22:55):
work for you when you're of present mind and you're open, yeah, helpful.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
And are you doing any kind of like twelve step
anything anything like that, or you were just like, I
never want to drink again.
Speaker 6 (23:07):
Yeah, so I kind of made that decision. I had
my friend's engagement party and I got so hammered. It
lasted three days. My hangover it was terrible. I think
it was also bad wine, But I digress, and I
kind of just woke up like after that weekend and
being like, I never even want to smell this ever again,
(23:27):
I don't even want to I don't even want to
look at it. So I'm not in any program. However,
a friend of mine who both of our one year
dates are kind of around the same time, she actually
co founded this organization called ap Sober Socials. They're based
in Asbury Park, New Jersey, but they have a bunch
of you know, activities for people who are looking to
(23:48):
have a community and you know, support the poetry readings.
They did karaoke a few times at one of the
vegan spots over there.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Oh vegan karaoke.
Speaker 6 (23:58):
Oh it's such a blast.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
I can imagine being in sofer karaoke.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Yes, what Chelsea was saying as far as like meditation
and having a mantra, I love that. And if you
are finding you can't you know, still still can't focus,
you might try adding some movement in with that. So
adding in some yoga, which is very meditative, but like
having a mantra while you're doing that, I think can
help get some of it out of your like the
guilt feelings out of your body.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
And then also I.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Was just thinking, this feels like maybe something to journal
about too. I don't know if you do any journaling,
but just being like curious with yourself about like why
do I have these sort of like cyclical thoughts about
guilt around this or any other specific times, and doing
some journaling around that, and then once you've sort of
examined that for yourself, maybe writing a letter just so
(24:45):
you can be.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Like, hey, I messed up.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
I love you getting it out to them, and even
if you get no response, you'll know like your side
of the street is clean, and just like finding ways
to get that sort of outside of you. But it
sounds like you're doing some a lot of active things
and putting community around you, which is amazing.
Speaker 5 (25:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (25:05):
I also I do the aerial arts, so like poll
and stuff. And also that's become like such a stable
ground for me just kind of like you know, working
on new moves and like challenging myself. And there's a
whole like neurological thing about it where like you know,
it can open up different neuropathways and like your brain
and stuff, and just like putting yourself in situations that
(25:27):
you normally wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Good that's awesome.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
I also like to think in terms of like self
help and betterment. I like to think of it as
like a positive pyramid scheme, Like you're you're piling in like, Okay,
you go to therapy, you quit drinking, you go to
you know, you quit your smoking weed, and you do
all these good things for yourself. You're doing this it
kind of exercise and like kind of spiritual exercise in
your explanation of it, And you're piling all these things
(25:52):
on to like think of a blanket and you're just
piling them all on. You're basically like building this kind
of like protective.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Voting around yourself, you know.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
So like the more that you can add to that pile,
like Okay, this brings me joy, this brings me calm,
This brings me comfort and clarity, like the more that
you are protecting your like kind of soul and your
and your person. And instead of thinking of it as
like a defense, I think of it as like just armor,
you know, like very protective armor, so that you are
(26:22):
always protected by yourself. And so whenever I think of like,
oh okay, I'm going to add this to my repertoire.
I'm going to do this journaling for a month or whatever,
I decide to do. I always think of like this
blanket where I'm just putting more and more goodness on it,
you know, so that that is my comfort zone. And
I'm in that blanket surrounded by all of the tools
that I've learned. So I think if you kind of
(26:43):
like picture that and whatever that means for you, you know,
but just think of that like self preservation, self protection
in a positive way, not in a defensive way.
Speaker 6 (26:53):
Yeah, do you find that because I know some people
you know, I'll post those like thirty day like journaling challenges,
is that it's on a specific prompt and then you
know each time you're like diving deeper, do you find
those to be helpful or do you kind of just
go based off of how you're feeling and kind of
go from there, Because I feel like for me, there's
(27:13):
like so many different thoughts going at once, so like
in order to like focus on one specific area, I
feel like I would need a prompt.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
But I was just curious.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
Well, I mean, I think whatever I think, it doesn't matter,
you know what I mean, as long as you're putting
effort toward yourself and healing yourself, and like, it doesn't
matter what it is. Yes, for you with ADHD, a
prompt would be good. And I think you'll be very
surprised from meditating. I had bad ADD before I meditated.
I don't think I have ADHD. I have ADD, but
(27:44):
I don't. I can focus so easily now, like the
benefits you reap from it, you are not even like
you don't even know what they are yet. So I
just wouldn't ever say, like dismiss something, you know, like yes,
go journal and get a prompt if that's going to
help you focus. But all of these exercises are going
to help in your focus in general. They're going to
(28:04):
make you be able to pay more attention for longer
periods of time. And it's just they're all training exercises
for the brain, and it's an act of self love,
all all of it is.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
Yeah. I found that as well, is when I'm meditating
really regularly, my attention span just like gets a lot
longer and it really helps with my ADHD as well.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think try those prompts. I think that'd
be amazing. And also when you are meditating, you know,
have a mantra or do like breath counts. For me,
it helps keep my mind from wandering off. It's just
being able to you know, doing one to ten, doing
box breathing. You know, there's a ton of different ways
to do breath counts.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
So all right, is that helpful?
Speaker 5 (28:43):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (28:44):
Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Okay, great, Well, congrats on everything you've accomplished. I'm proud
of you, even though I don't know you. Thank you.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
All right, Thanks stuff, keep us posted, check in with
us in thirty days. Okay, alrighty, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Bye, take care, Hi, Cuty.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I think that's so interesting with like how you were
saying your attention span gets longer or it's like help
with your add It's weird how how that can help.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
Yeah, because you think add. Yeah, no, you have control
over your ADD. I didn't learn that until I started meditating.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And it's such a relief.
Speaker 4 (29:21):
I even, like, you know, even being here is meditative
for me because I have so much other stuff going on.
I'm skiing, I'm not on my phone, I'm not on
socials nearly as much.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
I barely check anything.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
And like I saw, my screen time last week was
like down forty seven percent. Each week it's down another
you know, and I'm like, oh, awesome, awesome, awesome.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
You know, I don't want to be someone who's sitting
here tied to my phone. I don't want to.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
I mean, it's different because I'm in Whistler, so I
have skiing and I have guests all the time. It's
different than being at home in La, where I'm you.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Know, more prone to be like looking at my.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Oh, I think you're busy, so you're like, okay, got
to turn my brain off.
Speaker 4 (29:55):
Yeah yeah, But it's it's nice to not be so
reliant on your It's nice to not check it or
be obsessed or look at your you know, be obsessed
with how many how you're posted.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
You know, it's nice to like let all that go.
Not controlling the.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
Outcome of things is like my my thing this season.
Just don't try to control the outcome of things. Let
everything happen the way it's supposed to happen. Instead of
inserting myself and being like, no, I'm going to make
this happen. It's like, no, no, I don't need to
make anything happen. I've made enough happen. Now, I want
to sit back and enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
My my thing that I've been sort of focusing on
lately is just like taking a beat before making a
decision on something or even responding.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Sometimes I realize like if I just like give it
a couple.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Of days, I find I realize new things about the situation.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
And I also find like I'm not.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
As activated by it, so I can sort of think
more clearly about it.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
And oftentimes I find like I actually.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Don't need to have any drama around that or even
confront something or it's usually little stuff, but yeah, I'm
finding that to be really helpful is just being like,
what if I just don't try to fix this right now?
Speaker 4 (31:07):
Yeah, and also not reacting to things like sometimes something
will happen and I'm like, I don't like that, and
then it's like, who cares, It doesn't matter if I
don't like it, it doesn't matter. Just move on, Like, don't focus.
I don't have to address every single thing I don't like.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
And it just is like it's nice to let yourself
off the hook that you don't have to fix everything,
you don't have to deal with everything, and I don't know,
it's more relaxing.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Our last question comes from Melina. She's twenty eight. Dear Chelsea,
my name is Melina. I'm twenty eight Indigenous Navajo, transfeminine, bisexual, single,
and I love a Long Island iced tea. Lately, I've
been having an issue with one of my two older sisters.
I'm the youngest. She's always been a bit troubled. She's
matured and has come to find herself in a place
(31:55):
of healing from alcoholism and is now staying in the
same city as me. Although I'm very happy for her,
we were never very close growing up, and we'd have
moments where it felt like we would bond, but something
would uproot it. I became independent and found success in
my own way. I live alone, I work, I've found friends,
I have a chosen family, and despite having a bit
of a problem with alcohol, I'm overall very happy. My
(32:17):
issue is this, my middle sister is starting to come
around and trying to care about me. I know it's
genuinely coming from a place of love and trying to
patch up our past, and while I'm not against that,
I really don't feel that I need it. I know
how to take care of myself. She wants me to
spill all my feelings and lean on her any chance
I can, and it annoys me because in the back
of my head I want to tell her I don't
(32:38):
need an older sister now. I needed one back then.
She and I don't have bad blood and I don't
harbor resentment for any of the past things. Besides, when
she tries to do this, I appreciate it, but at
times it feels pushy and intrusive. Am I inconsiderate for
not wanting to let her in. I express myself emotionally
to a lot of people, but for some reason, she
feels more like a stranger than most. Please let me
(33:00):
know your thoughts. I love you your mindset, your comedy,
your work ethic, and your overall attitude on life. Thanks
so much for any advice. Molina.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
Yeah, I think, Melina.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
I honestly, what I'm hearing from you is that you're
holding a grudge against your sister. And listen, she might
be overstepping, but she at least she's trying to be
your sister now and you can't change the past. So
she didn't show up for you when you wanted her
to the most, but she's here now and that kind
of like grudge holding isn't helpful. Even if you don't
(33:31):
think you're holding a grudge, I'm telling you that's what
you're doing. I needed her then, I don't need her
now is a grudge. So I think that you could
be a little bit more open hearted with her, and
you don't have to let her be your confidant, but
you can meet her halfway and allow her to be
in your life in a loving way, like give back
(33:51):
the love that she's showing you. Even if it's pushy
to you, just accept it more than reject it, you know,
just open it, like yourself to it. And you don't
know how nice and helpful it can be at any time,
Like you might be going through something down the road
in two years and you're going to be so grateful
that you have your sister and that you have formed
(34:12):
this relationship and.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
That she's there for you, or vice versa. She may
go through something and you're going to be there for her.
Speaker 4 (34:19):
And like I just I'm always very adamant that you
should be as close to your sisters as possible.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
They're a gift. Having sisters is a gift.
Speaker 4 (34:27):
And yes they're all fucking annoying on a certain level,
but bigger than that is like the love and the
history and the memories that you share. You are the
only people that were raised by the same people. You
are the only people who understand what it was like
growing up in your household, and like that is a
very very special bond. And so I would say, you know,
(34:47):
forget about the past, just focus on what's happening right now.
And she's trying to show up for you. Give her
a break a little bit.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Yeah, we talk a big game on this show specifically
about you know, if you're having trouble with a family
member and you might need to cut them out of
your life for a time. But like people can and
do change, and we hope they will in the future.
And I think this is a moment where someone is
trying to show you that they have changed and is
trying to be more open and you know, in a
way that feels safe with you. I think you absolutely
(35:18):
should try to have a relationship with her. It doesn't
have to be spilling all your guts, you know, keep
it light, keep it surface, especially in the beginning, until
you find out you know what works for you. She
doesn't have to be your best friend, but if she's
someone that you go to coffee with a couple of
times a month or once a month, I think that
that can be really enriching to both of your lives,
(35:39):
and I would say give it a shot.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Yeah, agreed with that.
Speaker 3 (35:44):
All right, thanks Molina, keep us posted.
Speaker 4 (35:46):
Okay, So we'll take a break to wrap up and
we'll be right back. And we're back, okay with Chelsea
Handler and Catherine La Hi.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
Okay, So I'll give you a choice.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Do you want to do bad finances or sexual harassment bartender?
Speaker 4 (36:06):
I'll take sexual harassment for five hundred please, okay.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
Rachel is a bartender in the Midwest. Dear Chelsea, I'm
a thirty three year old bartender in Ohio. I live
in a small city and most of my patrons are men.
They range from early afternoon retirees to midday happy hour guys,
varying anywhere between blue collar workers to white collar lawyers
and bankers. Our evening crowd is younger than me and
most definitely upbeat. They are culturally opposite from the daytime
(36:34):
usuals in most aspects, from what they drink to how
they tip, and what songs they play on the jukebox.
But one thing remains pretty common. These Midwest men think
that telling women to smile and commenting on boob's body
clothing is friendly and flirty or worse flattering, they're commonly
explicitly sexist, and that makes my feminist.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Blood boil me too.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
Yeah, I love my coworkers and bosses, so leaving isn't ideal.
And I also assume, like anywhere else she goes, it's
going to be the same thing. I have thick skin
and can brush a lot off. Don't get me wrong,
I speak my mind sometimes to a fault. My problem
is about income. My pay is almost totally tip based,
So how do I balance my inner go fuck yourself
(37:17):
and otherwise stand up for myself with the reality that
I'm relying on mostly sexist men for the majority of
my income. How do I play nice enough to make
money and still keep my dignity. Most of my attempts
have left me with gaslighting or misplaced anger, which I
can handle, but the zero dollar tip on the line
that's hard to handle.
Speaker 3 (37:36):
Seeking your input, Rachel.
Speaker 4 (37:39):
We talked about this a little bit a couple episodes ago,
about framing the way that you talk to people who
are disrespecting you or treating you in a sexist manner,
and I think this is I was talking with my
girlfriends on the chair lift yesterday about it too, because
there is a way to talk to men without making
them defensive about what they're saying. There's a way to
be jocular about it, like to say, oh God.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Can you imagine the situation I'm in.
Speaker 4 (38:02):
I'm sitting here behind a bar, working for you, relying
on the money that you're gonna give me, and then
you just get to talk to me the way whatever
way you want.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Can you imagine what it's like to be a woman?
Speaker 4 (38:12):
Like there are playful ways to address what's happening to
you without it becoming a problem. Now, not every man
is going to be open to that conversation or enlightened
by that tone, but there are men, and I think
you can discern which men those are going to be.
Where it's worth it and where it's not worth it,
Because it's not worth it for you to kind of
bite your tongue every single time you get sexually harassed
(38:35):
or dismissed as being like, you know, just being objectified
or whatever. But I think it is worth it to
go at men a little bit in a way that
they can swallow, which is playful, kind of like, you know,
not so serious, not strident, not screaming, not yelling, but
just like, oh god, I wish you guys could feel
what it's like to be me for a day, can you?
You know, like really just playing with the idea. And
(38:57):
that's not the only way to do it. There are
probably fifty other ways to do it. But so that
you don't feel like you didn't say anything, and you
also don't feel like it was fall it fell on
deaf ears. You want to feel like you said something,
it mattered and you stood up for yourself. And you
can't control the outcome of that either, but at least
you're not rolling over.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
If there's somebody who is being an ongoing problem. I
do love taking it from a perspective that's like not
just God, you're horrible, you know.
Speaker 3 (39:27):
I think also, you know, waiting to say something until
after you close out their tib and get the tip.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
I heard something the other day, and this was from
someone who I believe is like a stripper, but she said,
and I don't know if this is something that you
can pull off at your bar, like talk to management,
talk to the bouncers and things, but basically telling them like, hey,
we have an extra fee. Anytime there's a comment like that,
and it actually gets added to your bill, so like
(39:53):
keep them coming, and like anytime they make a comment
like that, a fifteen dollars, you know, fifteen bucks gets
added to their tab.
Speaker 1 (39:59):
Yeah, maybe that's a good idea too.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
Like basically there's a penalty for like talking like that
and like feel free, go ahead, but every time you
make a comment or you know, talk about my boobs
or whatever, fifteen bucks is getting added to your tab
or whatever price you decide could be a fun way
to handle it. And then you're sort of like reclaiming
the power and they can stop or they can keep going,
and then you just make a bunch of money.
Speaker 4 (40:20):
Okay, cool, good luck, Rachel, Well, Chelsea, Yes, yes, Catherine,
we really did it today.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
We really did.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Lots of men behaving badly, very unusual, very such a shock,
such a shock.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
Okay, you have a great day. Thanks guys. Okay, guy,
So for stand up.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
I'm coming to Salt Lake City on April fourth, and
I'm coming to Denver, Colorado, and April fifth. Tickets are
still available for those two. Maricopa, Arizona is April twelfth,
and then Brooks, California is April thirteenth. And we added
a second show in Sydney, and we added a second
show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to
(41:01):
be May twenty fourth. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl,
which is so fun. I performed there last year. That's
August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We ended a second
show at Santa Rosa on August second, and we added
two dates at Hawaii. Guys, I'm coming to Hawaii on
July nineteenth.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
To CA Who Louis.
Speaker 4 (41:24):
I'm going to be at CA Who Louis, and then
I'm coming on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I
just added another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So
and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up,
and I will be announcing a European tour shortly, so
I will be coming there. And I'm coming to Oklahoma.
(41:45):
I have two dates at Oklahoma May third, which is
my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will
be in.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
Thackerville, Oklahoma.
Speaker 4 (41:53):
So Oklahomians, Oklahomas, Oklahom's come bye.
Speaker 3 (41:59):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com
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