Finding Gratitude After Loss with Allison Holker Boss

So You Think You Can Dance’s Allison Holker Boss joins Chelsea to talk about finding gratitude amidst loss, filling your cup before you can help others, and why not moving your feet when you dance is terrible advice.  Then: Things left unsaid leave a friend feeling guilty after ghosting.  The owner of a therapeutic farm finds her wife won’t stick around if she spends all her time working.  And a daughter wonders if she should tell her mom about her dad’s girlfriend.

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To donate or find out more about volunteering with Jess and her therapeutic farm, visit: https://wegrowroots.org

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, Catherine.

Speaker 2 (00:01):
Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, Hi, just skied down to do
this podcast, and I have to say.

Speaker 1 (00:08):
I love to see. I love skiing so much.

Speaker 3 (00:12):
You just skied right on into the studio. It's perfect.

Speaker 2 (00:15):
I skied right out of my ski out, into my
ski out and walked over to my house and I
am just filled filled. I have my two babies with me.
Jesse and Katie have been with me for a spring break.
They both slept in bed with me. Last night we
watched Pride and Prejudice.

Speaker 3 (00:31):
Which one the movie one or the mini series one?

Speaker 1 (00:34):
Minise? Is there a miniseries?

Speaker 3 (00:36):
Is a mini series with Colin Firth.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Oh, I had to tell you, Oh, you have to
see it.

Speaker 3 (00:40):
It's like, is it old nineties?

Speaker 4 (00:43):
But it's like Colin Firth coming out of the water
with that wet shirt.

Speaker 3 (00:46):
It's it's really everything.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
I love the guy from Succession who's in the first
of all, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is like a
huge actor. Carrie Mulligan's in it. It's so beautiful and
the language is so beautiful. I have one Jesse who's
like love with it, and then Katie's like, this is stupid.

Speaker 5 (01:02):
What is this?

Speaker 1 (01:03):
Why am I talking about this? It was so funny.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
I'm like, Okay, here are the twins, two different, completely different.

Speaker 3 (01:08):
Personalities, exactly exactly.

Speaker 1 (01:11):
I went out.

Speaker 2 (01:11):
I went skiing this morning and I texted them. I said, girls,
when you get up, meet your father. They call me dad.
I go meet your father on the mountain. I said,
if you want to make your father happy, meet me
on the mountain.

Speaker 1 (01:20):
And they're like, fudda, fudda.

Speaker 2 (01:22):
We're all dressed and ready to go, but where are skis?
And their mom took their skis back to Squamish for
some reason.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
I'm not sure why.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
I had one set of skis so only one of
them could meet me. But they're like, we won't disappoint
We're coming.

Speaker 1 (01:34):
It's so cute. And then we went to lunch.

Speaker 3 (01:36):
You're just like surrounded by children on the mountain.

Speaker 2 (01:38):
Oh my god, it's I know. I'm running a fucking
daycare center up here.

Speaker 4 (01:43):
So, Chelsea, I've got a little update that kind of
goes with our episode today.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
This email comes from Riley.

Speaker 4 (01:51):
Riley says, Dear Chelsea, I'm not a past caller, so
this really can't be called an update, but it involves
changes from your advice, so let's call it one. A
couple of months ago, I decided to take a year
off from school to pursue a full time job that
was making a ton of crazy money at A month later,
I was fired from said job.

Speaker 3 (02:07):
Long story short.

Speaker 4 (02:08):
Within a year, I went from moving to my dream
city for my dream program in school to a second
time dropout and unemployed. I've always been a person who's
believed that energy follows you. I'm also a person who
is practically a professional in negative energy and deals with depression.
So I've connected, listened, and taken your advice over the
last few weeks. I'm on day seventeen of daily Gratitude.

(02:31):
I've been doing all my positive affirmations, and I've been
repeating this is a good energy day to myself on
a daily basis and to both of you. Thank you,
because today I realized what a massive shift in general
attitude I've had and the unnatural change in energy around me.
Then the magic happened. It feels like a door opened
with the new job I have, I found a different
program that clicked with my goals and values to go

(02:53):
back to school, and a guy at a bar asked
for my number for the very first time. Thanks again,
sending love from a stranger Riley.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yes, everybody, you can change your energy, and when you
change your energy, you are magnetically attracting and energetically attracting
different things into your life.

Speaker 3 (03:12):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (03:12):
So the value of a gratitude journal may say, sound
corny or like a hundred of time for that, it
changes your energy and you won't know it until you
do it, So fucking do it.

Speaker 3 (03:24):
Yeah, and affirmations too.

Speaker 4 (03:25):
It's like when we talk to ourselves differently, things happen.

Speaker 3 (03:30):
It's really really cool.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
Oh, I'm going to DC to be one of the
comedians that's giving Kevin Hart his Mark Twain Award in DC. Oh,
that's exciting. Yeah, it'll be on Netflix, I think. So
I have whipped up a little speech for Kevin.

Speaker 1 (03:45):
Hart, so he better get fucking ready, bitch.

Speaker 3 (03:49):
Is it like a nice speech or is it a
little roasty?

Speaker 1 (03:51):
A little bit of both?

Speaker 3 (03:54):
Gay? Excellent? Are you guys kind of like good friends
like chums?

Speaker 2 (03:58):
Well, he's been an old friend, so he's all always
a good friend, like I've known him for so long
from Chelsea lately days he demanded to be a guest
instead of on the Roundtable. After he was on the
round Table for a period of time, then he demanded
to be a guest because his people were like, he's
too he's he's now guest material, and I remember going, wow.

Speaker 1 (04:18):
Look at him. Yeah, so he's been a pain in
my ass for a very long time.

Speaker 2 (04:22):
I don't see him, No, I don't see him a lot,
but I will always show up for Kevin.

Speaker 1 (04:27):
I love him.

Speaker 3 (04:27):
I love that. I love that old friends are sometimes
the best friends.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
And he's one of the only black men, famous men
that I haven't had sex with. Well, just kidding, just kidding, Okay,
so oh today. I love this woman and the first
reason she caught my attention was on Instagram dancing with
her husband Twitch, who has since passed away, and then
after he passed away by taking his life.

Speaker 1 (04:51):
I was just blown.

Speaker 2 (04:54):
Away by the way that this woman handled that and
the way that she was able to almost it felt
like she was able to center herself, not in a
premature way, but in such a grounded, centered way with
her three children, the public facing element of that hardship.

Speaker 1 (05:13):
I just couldn't believe it.

Speaker 2 (05:14):
So I had been dming with her on Instagram months
and months and months ago and then she came to
my show at LA and anyway, I just felt a
connection to her and I wanted to reach out to her.
And she's on the podcast today and her name is
Alison Hooker and she's the author of the new children's

(05:35):
book Keep Dancing Through and as she is the new judge,
the newest judge and so you think you can dance,
So please welcome Alison Holker boss.

Speaker 1 (05:46):
Hi Cuty, Petuity, Fashion Fruity.

Speaker 6 (05:49):
That's so good to see you.

Speaker 2 (05:51):
I was watching your clip yesterday on your Instagram of
that beautiful dancer and you telling her how you could
see her, and I thought, but oh, that's the best
thing anyone can hear, is I see you?

Speaker 6 (06:03):
Thank you? No, she went beautiful. It's like sometimes you
just meet people that have like it's like a beautiful
soul and you're like I feel that, you know. And
I was like, that's one of those people where I
was like I was really moved by her. She was great.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, So that's so awesome that you're judging
on So you think you can dance?

Speaker 6 (06:19):
Oh my gosh. It's been a dream job to be honest, like,
I've been like every position on the job, I've been
like a contestant, all star all of the things, but
sitting on the judges panel has felt like home. And
to be honest, I didn't know how I was gonna
feel about sitting up there because I was like, am
I gonna miss being on the stage like being the dancer?
But truly, honestly, it's been way better. I've actually enjoyed

(06:41):
this experience so much. And I feel like as a judge,
like I've sat where they are, I've stood in that
on that stage, so I'm like really hard on them,
but it's all from like a place of love because
I have like a high expectation of them. But man,
it's been a dream job. I've loved the experience so much.

Speaker 2 (06:58):
Well, I also think it's so nice when you're it's
your specialty and then you take a step back and
you're actually able to judge and critique others doing what
you're doing. You would think you miss it, but it's
actually nice to have the pressure off of you and
where you can kind of help other people to see
their strengths or weaknesses.

Speaker 6 (07:16):
Yeah, and it's like, honestly, a lot of the ones
audition I've known them since they were children. So I
feel like I'm like sitting at that table being like
a mama bear. I've taught a lot of them since
they were really really young, so it's more of like
an honor and like a treat to be able to
see like the progression that they've already had thus far,
to then be able like, Okay, now, whatever I say

(07:37):
to you, I can really help you on the next
step of your journey. And I've already been so blessed
to have a big journey in the dance community, so
it's a blessing to be able to cultivate someone else's.

Speaker 1 (07:49):
Now, how did your dancing start, Allison?

Speaker 6 (07:52):
I actually watched my sister dance when I was like
twelve years old. She just looked so majestic on this stage.
She was like a warrior princess, like she looked like,
I don't know, she just looks so powerful, and I
was like, I want to do that. And then even
at a young age, I was like, I want to
impact other kids, or specifically girls, to be just as

(08:13):
powerful on a stage. Because it wasn't like one of
those like frillly dancers. It wasn't like she was like
a ballallet dancer. It was like strong, athletic and powerful.
She was like flipping, and I was like, I liked
seeing someone so feminine kind of own their masculine and
be like kind of dance more like the men and
just be like owning their power. So that's always really

(08:34):
what I wanted to do for girls in the dance
industry specifically.

Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yeah, and I think that's well said, because you're describing
yourself too, because you're very feminine and owning your masculinity
in your dance. That's what I've always noticed about you
is you're so strong and the dance and you're such
a good dancer.

Speaker 1 (08:50):
I can't even.

Speaker 2 (08:51):
Do a two step, So if you ever ever got
me alone and tried to teach me something, you would
have no respect for me, none, because it would be
so But no, no, I promise you.

Speaker 1 (09:02):
I cannot my rhythm.

Speaker 2 (09:03):
Someone stole it from me before I was born, and
I'm tone deaf, and when I dance, it's just people
have to look away, and I need something to lean on,
like a ballast. I need something so that I can
just sway and not move my arms and legs at
the same time.

Speaker 6 (09:19):
Really, what you're telling us, is you need a wall to.

Speaker 2 (09:22):
Yes, well, I used to go out with my girlfriends
and we would go to bars and get drunk. I
would swing my purse around my head to like just
like as a decoy to not look at my dancing,
just to look at my purse, and.

Speaker 6 (09:34):
Just also get off your back.

Speaker 1 (09:38):
Duck up, back up.

Speaker 6 (09:39):
No, Honestly, everyone says that they can't dance, but I
tell everybody like, if you can walk, dancing is just
walking with style, Like that's it. Like I would be
able to get you to dance so quick.

Speaker 2 (09:51):
Someone told me this summer that it's better to not
move your if you're not a great dancer. It's better
to keep your feet in one place and move the
rest of your body.

Speaker 1 (09:59):
What are your thoughts on I.

Speaker 6 (10:01):
Definitely thinking we should move your feet so you don't
just look like you'resser, like get like a teeter tatter.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
Like how long can I not move my feet for?

Speaker 6 (10:10):
I think I would actually start with the lower half
and work your way up. You know what I'm saying,
Give me like a nice two set.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Right right, That's what I was thinking. I was like
the two step I could do, Like okay, how could
you fuck that up. But once it gets more complex
than that, that I'm lost. It's like I'm swimming.

Speaker 6 (10:26):
If you just start moving your arms is gonna start
like looking like the toothpicks or like the what the
the I don't know, all the flossing and weird stuff.
We don't want to go there. We start from the
bottom and a bigger way to the top, you know.

Speaker 1 (10:37):
But I do.

Speaker 2 (10:37):
I mean, that's how I did meet you. It was
on Instagram and dancing. Congrats on your new book. It's
called Keep Dancing through a Boss Family Groove.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
How did that come about?

Speaker 6 (10:47):
Actually, this book was written back in twenty twenty one
into twenty twenty two, so it's it's been a long
time coming. It was written with my late husband, and
honestly it's just a testament to what our family would
do in a day in our lives. You know, my husband,
we really believed a lot in like affirmations and teaching
that to our kids. And so every morning, together with

(11:09):
both of us, we would teach our kids and like
start our day with like I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful,
and I'm kind, which I still do to this day
of my kids every single morning and we just started realizing,
like when we talk to other parents or other you know,
other friends of ours, that they don't really do affirmations.
And we were like, man, if we got kids to
start talking kindly to themselves at a young age, like

(11:30):
that could really help them through their like you know,
going through like the preteen stage, teenage years into adulthood.
So we were like, let's teach other kids what we
like to do. And so the story really goes from
like morning tonight, my kids, all three of them go
through something like little little mini kid challenges, nothing dramatic
and crazy, but either way, for them, it's big, and

(11:51):
they use affirmations to kind of like pick themselves back up.
And I think my favorite part of the book Keep
Dancing Through is that it's not just coming from the
parents like me and Steve, and it's not just coming
from us that we teach o your kids affirmations. In
the book, the siblings help each other to remind each
other of that, and I thought that was like a
really special way of looking at it. Because my oldest daughter,

(12:11):
who's fifteen, so many times when my kids are going
through the things, she'll step in and help. So that's
something we also really wanted to kind of get through
in this book. But really it's just teaching people to
teach your kids affirmations and if you're having a hard day,
talk kindly to yourself. So that's really the premise book.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
It reminds me.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
I was driving yesterday with a girlfriend of mine in
Whistler and we were driving through this neighborhood and we
saw they said, this boy and this girl. It was
an older boy, probably like sixteen fifteen sixteen with his
friend and then a sister. Because they looked alike, you
could tell they were brother and sister. And he yelled
at her and she came running back. He goes, don't
ever walk away without giving me a hug. And he
was with his friend and I was like, you are

(12:52):
so cute. We were screaming out the window. I'm like,
you're the best big brother ever. And he had this
huge smile, and the girl looked at us and she goes,
he is the best big brother ever.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
And I thought that was the sweetest thing.

Speaker 6 (13:04):
Honestly, Sibling love is my favorite. I don't think we
talk about it enough. We always talk about like parent love,
taking care of your friends, being there for like your relationship,
and like sibling love is like if you have a
close relationship with your brother or sister, like it's endless.
Like I'm so close to my brothers and sisters. I'm
so grateful for that because it truly is one of
those relationships where you could like not talk for a week,

(13:28):
three months a year, but wherever you start talking, it's
like you never stopped. I love sibling love. It's my favorite.

Speaker 2 (13:34):
How many siblings do you have, Alison, I'm the youngest
of five.

Speaker 1 (13:37):
Oh no, I'm the youngest of six, So that's what
we have in common.

Speaker 6 (13:42):
Okay, okay, uh huh, yeah, Oh I'm dating. I'm definitely
baby energy of the family. I take full advantage.

Speaker 1 (13:48):
Yes, totally.

Speaker 2 (13:49):
The baby is the best position to be in because
everyone wants to do everything for you and help you.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
And that's why I'm so incompetent.

Speaker 2 (13:56):
I believe in any sort of domestic capability, like I
cookie cleaning. If something happens, if one of the dogs
goes to the bathroom on the rug, I just leave,
like I don't want any part of it. I don't
know how to clean it. I don't want to know.
I tried to cook something last night, and ended up.
I cooked chicken and spinach and they both ended up
in the garbage. And I just am completely And I

(14:16):
blame them because they have rendered me useless.

Speaker 6 (14:19):
Yes, no, blame them for sure. It's your fault that
you are so good at taking care of the house.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (14:25):
How, yes, exactly exactly.

Speaker 6 (14:27):
No, I bring it in. I bring it in.

Speaker 1 (14:31):
Where are they? Are they in California? You're siblings.

Speaker 6 (14:34):
So my family all pretty much lives in Utah, although
they're coming to visit me this week because we're all
very close, so my mother and my brother, they're coming
to stay with me. There's a lot lessen I come from,
like a Utah Mormon family, so there's a lot of grandkids.
There's a lot of babies running around all the time.
So it's like whenever we get together, there's lots of energy.

(14:55):
But it's really fun. Like we're very big, like game heavy,
sports heavy family, so we get together, we like make teams,
we'll play basketball, soccer, and it's really fun. But there's
a lot of bodies to take care of.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Yeah, I bet there are another reason why I before
I met you, or and what I found so inspiring,
which you know, the world did as well. Was how
you dealt with the loss of your husband and how
you dealt with your grief and with your children. And
it felt like, I don't want to say it happened quickly.
It felt like you were able to center and ground

(15:27):
yourself in a way that was surprising to see and
inspiring to see that you were able to really focus
on the gratitude. And I want to know more about
how you did that, and I want my listeners to
know how you were able to wrangle your strength during

(15:49):
that time.

Speaker 6 (15:50):
Well, first off, thank you. I'll be real though, I
think the reason I am where I am today is
multiple reasons. The first thing being I separated myself from
the world for like three months. I didn't look at
social media, didn't look at anything online. I honestly separated

(16:12):
myself even from friends. And I said to my children,
we have to do this together and we have to
face it all, every emotion. We're not rushing the process,
but we cannot ignore this process. So we didn't go
to school, I didn't go to work. I didn't I
didn't even do any of those things. We just sat
in with our emotions and face the anger, the sad,

(16:33):
the pain, the joy, the memories, and I went through
everything together with therapists, with a very very very small
group of like loved ones, just because I was like,
this is not something that we can just go to
the grocery store and try to be like we're okay
right away. We sat together, face everything communicated, We're vulnerable,

(16:56):
we're crying with each other, we're holding each other. Walking
through our home sometimes was just tough because there's so
many memories in each place. So sometimes someone would just
start crying when they're walking up the stairs when they
just like clicked and had a memory of him holding
them there, or when we'd walk in the kitchen and
look at a certain chair that was his chair. But
instead I was like, let's process all this. And I

(17:17):
think that by allowing us that space of just being
together and being honest about all of the feelings. Sometimes
i'd go outside and I would always tell my kids
that he's in the stars, So if you ever need
to talk to him, we go outside and just look
up at the stars and say whatever you need to say.
And sometimes it would just be you know, today is

(17:40):
a really beautiful day. I held Zia and we played
some games. Other times it would be like, I'm really
upset with you, very upset. How could you do this
to us? How could you do this to me? And
I would let them do that as well, and I
think giving us that space to properly grieve and not
hide from it, we all shed a lot of layers

(18:00):
really quickly together, and we forgave him, We forgave ourselves.
You know, we laughed for the first time together as
a family, which was, you know, full of mixed emotions
of is this okay for us to do because you
kind of feel guilt for smiling and laughing right after
something like this, But we faced it all and so

(18:20):
then slowly we started reintroducing ourselves to life and school
and activities and me associating again with friends or co
workers or having even the idea of going back to work.
But we took our time with it, and I think
that was the smartest thing for the way we did it.
I can't say it's right for everyone, but it was
right for us. And then we now feel comfortable talking

(18:45):
about it publicly because we faced some different emotions, and
I'm really proud of my kids for that. I'm proudly
even myself to be honest for that, But we took
the time to process and we're really really patient with ourselves.

Speaker 1 (18:58):
And how did you know how important that was to
do well?

Speaker 6 (19:03):
A therapist told me that. But our lives are so public.
I knew that even though my kids are very young,
people feel very connected to us and very close with us,
and I knew we'd be getting a lot of opinions,
and not necessarily bad. I don't mean that to be
a negative thing, but we would just have people feel

(19:25):
so close to us that they open a lot of
dialogue with us openly, whether we were at like you know,
when we started associating and going out too public, just
being at a grocery store, we did a lot of
conversations from people that no seven year old should be
really hearing. And so I needed them to be strong.
I needed them to have gone through some of these
emotions so then when they're like approached publicly, they have

(19:48):
a strong sense of themselves. I needed that for them
and I needed that for me, because it's not a
negative thing that people want to come to us. But
I know as a person that I knew people were
going to come to me with their stories or need
me to help them through their agony through it. So
I needed to be strong enough to be able to
have a full enough cup to be able to pour

(20:08):
back into people, and unfortunately need my kids to be
able to do that too, even though that's not a
position they should be in. That's just kind of where
we're at, especially as a society with public figures, and
they're doing it. My kids have people approach them all
the time about really big topics, especially my oldest who's fifteen,
and she's able to hold her own and whole conversations

(20:30):
and help people through their own tragedies as well, and
it's something that we've worked really hard to get to
and with tragedy and with this grief, I've learned that
God and the universe really gave me this purpose and
I've had to learn to accept it. But there's a
bigger reason why, and it's because I'm supposed to help

(20:51):
other people to see that there's still life after You
can still honor someone, but you can still honor yourself.
And that's the biggest message I'm still trying to teach
people through this.

Speaker 2 (21:03):
Yeah, that reminds me, Catherine of what Monica Lewinsky said
on our podcast Something she said, you know, when you
turn your pain into.

Speaker 6 (21:11):
Purpose, Yeah, exactly, And.

Speaker 2 (21:14):
I think that is applicable to almost all pain, right,
regardless of what it is, is that you you can
become strong like because before this, would you ever imagine
that you could be this strong?

Speaker 6 (21:27):
Absolutely not. I knew I was a strong person, but
I never experienced grief before this. This is like I
went from zero to a thousand. I never experienced anything
of the degree that I'm at. And so it's been
a very big learning process, but really grateful for like
the people and of how around me really teaching me

(21:48):
how to get through this, guiding me through and helping me,
and to be honest, it is it's my faith. It's
like my faith with God or you know, or with
the spirituality that I have with the universe of just
being really connected. I follow my intuitional law. I meditate
a lot, and I think that's really been a huge
saving grace to me and keeping me mentally sane and
realizing that I've never woke up a day without being

(22:11):
super grateful. Still, I still think it's so wonderful life,
even though the hard times and the you know, the
great times. I look at the world and I can't
help but think that there's eight billion people here, and
though I've gone through something that's you know, really really
dramatic and really confusing and complex, so have a lot

(22:33):
of people. So have a lot of people, And instead
of sitting in my sorrows, like I'd rather help those
people that are still going through things today get through theirs.
I think as a support system, specifically for women, we
just got to be the other's rocks at this point.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Yeah, it's very inspiring and it's very I'm sure many
of the things that you're saying are going to resonate
with our listeners a lot, because grief is an inescapable
thing to go through during life, you know, depending. I mean,
it's also substantial to different situations for everyone, but it's unavoidable.
You know, we're all going to lose people, and it's
about choosing how you're going to deal with that. And
I think gratitude has been such a huge topic of

(23:10):
conversation on this podcast and many others because it is
so powerful. It is so powerful in your darkest moments
to still have gratitude.

Speaker 6 (23:19):
Absolutely. I just like I have a journal that I
keep that I like start with my affirmations. I go
into like, you know, my goal writing, but then I
always end with gratitude. I think it's the best thing
ever because you can't really sit in pain if you're grateful.

Speaker 2 (23:33):
Yeah, And it's a weird thing how it can kind
of shift it does it shifts your grief?

Speaker 6 (23:38):
Oh yeah, because you also learn, unfortunately but fortunately to
be grateful for your experience to make you a stronger,
better human. At the end of the day, Stephen was
one of the most inspiring people still to the state.

Speaker 7 (23:53):
To me.

Speaker 6 (23:54):
I had thirteen years with him and loved every minute
of it. I learned so much from him. We always
exchange advice on self help books. We loved affirmations, we
love manifestation. We would always listen to podcasts. We'd always
watch inspiring like documentaries of how to get through life
and people's tragedies but how they overcome. Like we shared

(24:15):
this common love for these things. And though yes there's
things that bring me a lot of pain from his actions,
I still can't deny how much I learned from him.
He's helped build the person I am today, and he
actually helped build me to be the strongest version of myself,
to be able to handle this, and so I give him,
even through all this, I give him a lot of
credit for making me the strongest person, be the best

(24:37):
version of myself. For my kids so beautiful, and I
still believe that.

Speaker 1 (24:43):
I believe it too.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
I mean, I can see it, and that's beautiful, and
so are you, and so is your family.

Speaker 6 (24:48):
Thank you. I mean, listen, my kids. My kids are
my champions, and I learned from them every day. I
think sometimes as parents we really kind of like forget
that you can learn so much from just irving your kids,
but also listening to them. Like my youngest is four,
and if anyone's taught me boundaries its her. She's four.
We'll be cuddling on the couch watching a movie and

(25:08):
she's like snuggling up to me. She'll stand up and leave,
like where you going? She's like, I need some space.
So it seemed to be boundaries. I'm like, oh, I
don't have to be a people pleaser. I could just
leave and take off whatever I want and that's cool. Yeah, right,
and she'll re inswer herself back when she's ready. But yeah,
I think I have really awesome kids to still be

(25:29):
learning from every single day too.

Speaker 2 (25:31):
So okay, let's take a break and we're gonna be
right back, and we're back with Alison Holker as our
special guest.

Speaker 1 (25:41):
So excited I met you.

Speaker 2 (25:42):
The first time I met you was at my show,
right at my show in LA when you came.

Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 6 (25:46):
It was such a great show too. I had so
much fun.

Speaker 2 (25:49):
Okay, so, Catherine, we're gonna we're gonna take some calls
from people, yes, and give them some life advice out
since you're in a fucking great position to do it.

Speaker 1 (25:57):
I mean, you should be like a counselor.

Speaker 6 (26:00):
At this point, I've lived so much life. I will
sit back and like, bring it on, let's see what
we got. I might not have a best advice, I
could definitely give some and try.

Speaker 1 (26:08):
Yeah no, sure, sure.

Speaker 3 (26:10):
Well, Adam says dear Chelsea.

Speaker 4 (26:13):
I just wanted to start off by saying a huge
thank you and let you in on a little secret.

Speaker 3 (26:18):
I totally snagged are you there vodka?

Speaker 4 (26:20):
It's me Chelsea from my mom's shelf way too early
in life. But hey, it was totally worth it because
once we both realized we shared the same sense of humor,
we became addicted to watching your shows together as a
young gay guy. These hilarious moments brought me and my
mom closer and improved our relationship big time. But I've
got something on my mind that's been bugging me lately.
I lost a close friend recently in a freak accident.

(26:42):
She had a history of seizures, and unfortunately, one of
them caused an accident and she didn't make it. We
were tight back in college when we first met, but
after we graduated things started to change. It felt like
I became her personal therapist, and as I made other
friends and had my own life, she seemed resentful and distant.
Don't get me wrong, she was an amazing friend during

(27:02):
our college days, but eventually I kind of ghosted her.
Looking back, I know it wasn't the best way to
handle it, and now that she's gone, I can't help,
but wish I had had the chance to explain myself.
So I'm reaching out for some advice. How can I
deal with this loss and stop myself from ghosting friends
without giving them proper closure when things get weird? And
how do I deal with the things left unsaid? Thanks

(27:25):
for being such a badass in everything you do. Cheers Adam.

Speaker 2 (27:29):
Well, first, I would say there is not You know,
we say this a lot that you cannot change what
you've done.

Speaker 1 (27:34):
You cannot change the past, but you have.

Speaker 2 (27:36):
To forgive yourself for the past and know that moving
forward that you are going.

Speaker 1 (27:40):
To change your behavior.

Speaker 2 (27:42):
And of course it's not nice to ghost people, but
I'm sure your friend who passed away has forgiven you
and you need to forgive yourself and you can even
do that in prayer or meditation or write it in
you know, you can journal about it, and you obviously
feel that. And when you feel guilt, it's true, you
do feel badly for what you did. And that's all

(28:02):
you can do because there's no way to change that.
How you can make it up to her is by
making sure that you don't do that to anyone else
in the future. And when things do get weird, have
an honest conversation with yourself before you have an honest
conversation with the person you know you don't want to.
It's no one feels good getting left behind, No one
feels good getting ghosted.

Speaker 1 (28:22):
And it is so much more honorable and more difficult.

Speaker 2 (28:27):
To be direct and truthful to people when it is
an uncomfortable situation, and once you do it one time,
you're going to be so proud of yourself for handling
it like an adult that it will become your new habit.
And you have to be accountable to yourself. You know,
you have to be accountable to yourself. That is what

(28:48):
honor is like. When no one's looking, what are you
going to do? When no one's watching? What are you
going to do? So I just I would say, just
to move forward in a completely new way and make
a promise to yourself that you're not going to make
that mistake again, because, as Oprah says, when you know better,
you do better, and that is very true.

Speaker 1 (29:08):
Allison, what do you think?

Speaker 6 (29:10):
I first off, agree with everything you just said because
I believe about speaking things into the world and into
the universe. So if you need forgiveness and need forgive
it from her, just speak it out loud. Go outside,
go to a mountain, talk, go into nature, scream it out,
say I'm so sorry, I wish I did this. Get
it off of you. Give yourself after though, is the
biggest thing. You have to say it to yourself though,

(29:32):
because I think sometimes forget people, forget that the person
you're talking to is yourself the most throughout the day.
You have to be the person forgive you. You're not going
to hear it from someone else, so you have to
speak it out, get it off of you, forgive yourself.
But then also remember that people do come in seasons
and they know that for themselves as well. It's okay
to be in a relationship with someone, love someone, have

(29:54):
a friend, have a family member that you love so
much and that you do kind of set brand part ways.
I do agree with Chelsea, have a conversation with them
before you just ghost them. But it's okay to have
someone that was in your life for twelve years kind
of becomes someone that you now move on from. That's okay,
and I think people don't realize that you don't have
to hold onto relationships that are no longer working and

(30:17):
valid for both parties. It's okay for people to come
in for a month, a year, seven years, because sometimes
you meet someone new and they feel like you've known
them forever, and that's great to accept a new move
in your life.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
I always have new friends.

Speaker 2 (30:30):
I'm always making new friends and I do and I've
just wrote about this in my new book, which is
you know Some people are there just for a season,
you know, in your life. Some people are there to
help you through a time in your life. And sometimes
you're the person helping another person through the time in
their life. But you don't have to look at anything
as permanent. And sometimes that's all it is. It's a

(30:51):
three year friendship or a ten year friendship or a
couple months friendship. Sometimes that's it and you won't know
the purpose of it, maybe ever, But you just have
to try TuS that either you're there for them or
they're there for you, and that was important. And then
when you move on, be graceful about it.

Speaker 6 (31:08):
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 (31:08):
Yeah, And like Chelsea said about not doing it again,
I think maybe the lesson here that you're going to
take away is that you're not going to do this
to another person. And maybe that next person is the
one that like will really need you.

Speaker 3 (31:19):
To gracefully exit the relationship.

Speaker 1 (31:21):
That sort of thing, right, And.

Speaker 2 (31:23):
The person that you lost gave you this lesson, and
so that isn't worth nothing either.

Speaker 1 (31:28):
You know that is meaningful.

Speaker 2 (31:29):
That relationship is meaningful because it's going to change how
you deal with everyone else in the future.

Speaker 6 (31:34):
Yeah, And to be honest, I'm a person that's like
very non confrontational. So when there's a conversation that has
to be had that feels like it could go either
side and not in control of it, I get very
nervous about them. So that's even a lesson I'm trying
to teach myself right now, is like not being scared
of a conversation, being uncomfortable, maybe having a little bit
of conflict and having to work it out with someone.
It's very, very scary, But at the end of the day,

(31:55):
once you start doing it, each conversation you have becomes
easier and easier and easier to face.

Speaker 4 (32:00):
All right, Adam, Well write us in, give us an
update after you, you know, have that conversation, write that
letter and keep us posted on how you are.

Speaker 1 (32:08):
Alison. Do you ski?

Speaker 6 (32:10):
I've skied, but it's been years and years and years,
so I'd have to like relearn retry it. It's been
a while.

Speaker 1 (32:15):
But I grew oh right, right, right, so of course
you had to ski.

Speaker 6 (32:20):
But when I was younger, you're a skier.

Speaker 2 (32:22):
Yeah, I can ski. You can teach me how to dance,
and I can teach you how to ski fire.

Speaker 6 (32:27):
I'm so in on all of that.

Speaker 1 (32:29):
And then we can dance ski. Maybe we can do
a dance ski for my fiftieth next year.

Speaker 6 (32:33):
Oh I'm so down. Don't kill me with a good time.

Speaker 1 (32:35):
That would be so funny. Oh my god. If I
could dance on.

Speaker 2 (32:38):
Skis, actually, I'd probably be a better dancer on skis.

Speaker 6 (32:42):
Really would just be the upper money.

Speaker 7 (32:43):
I know that.

Speaker 1 (32:44):
I'm like, oh look, look I got rid of them.

Speaker 3 (32:46):
Have you guys seen those videos?

Speaker 4 (32:47):
There are videos that have been circulating recently that are
like in the eighties, it was like an Olympic sport
where people would like ski dance and it's like the
most eighties thing ever.

Speaker 3 (32:58):
It's kind of incredible.

Speaker 2 (32:59):
Yeah, it's it's like slow dancing on skis. I've seen
it going around.

Speaker 6 (33:02):
Yes, I have not seen that. I'm gonna definitely look
it up.

Speaker 3 (33:05):
Though, worsha Google for sure, for sure.

Speaker 7 (33:09):
Well.

Speaker 4 (33:09):
Our next question comes from Krinne. She says, Dear Chelsea,
I recently turned forty and welcomed my first baby, the
cutest boy.

Speaker 3 (33:18):
In December.

Speaker 4 (33:19):
Actually, we live in Ottawa, and I missed Chelsea's show
here because I was giving birth.

Speaker 3 (33:23):
Womp.

Speaker 4 (33:24):
I have lots to be happy about, and I am,
but There's one thing I can't stop steing about. On
Christmas Night last year, my dad's partner of nearly twenty
years and our stepmom, announced she was leaving him and
ghosted us completely. She took all of her things that
evening after guests had left, and we have not heard
from her since. I'm normally one to say fuck it,

(33:45):
let's let this go and move forward, but I'm struggling.
My question is do I reach out to her. I
don't want a relationship with her, and it's clear she
doesn't want one with us, but the complete disappearance and
deceit continue to bother me. She told my dad she
had decided to end the relationship a month prior, but
wanted to get through Christmas. Why she went through the

(34:05):
motions of sending us her Christmas list, so her Christmas
list of what she wanted. This really grinds my gears
and even hosting dinner, but why If she had left
before Christmas, we could have hosted my dad and started
a new tradition with his first grandson, But instead we
spent the day with her family, most notably her drunk
brother who kept telling me I still looked pregnant. If

(34:27):
I were to reach out, I'm not sure it would
be worth it. And what am I even looking for?

Speaker 3 (34:31):
Need help?

Speaker 2 (34:32):
Bestkrinn Hi, Karen, Hi, Hi, this is Alison Hooker, our
special guest today.

Speaker 6 (34:38):
Nice to meet you you too.

Speaker 2 (34:41):
Yeah, you don't want to reach out to her, You're
not going to get any information.

Speaker 1 (34:45):
And I understand what you're saying.

Speaker 2 (34:47):
You wish she would have left before Christmas, but she
probably thought she was. She definitely thought she was doing
the right thing by sticking it through Christmas, which probably
ninety percent of people would say they would do, is
stick it out through the hall to do the right
thing and then get through the holidays and call it.

Speaker 1 (35:05):
So you're not looking for answers. You're irked.

Speaker 2 (35:08):
Yes, you had to spend Christmas with her drunk brother,
but guess what, you'll never have to see him again,
and you'll never have to.

Speaker 1 (35:15):
See her again. And how is your father doing.

Speaker 7 (35:18):
He's having a hard time, Like I think that's the
part of it we're struggling with, Like he was completely shocked.
So the anger I have is like, yes, I totally
agree with you. She's like a sweet person and kind
of wanted to get through the holidays, but I guess
just the embarrassment to him, like we gave her like
new grandma ornaments, like I don't care, like move along.

(35:39):
She deserves to be happy, but I think it's that
part that I'm struggling with and like seeing him struggle.

Speaker 2 (35:46):
Right, I would take all of your energy and anger
towards her and put it towards supporting and loving and
comforting him.

Speaker 1 (35:51):
Yeah, Like take.

Speaker 2 (35:52):
All of that anger and just focus on him and
help him through this difficult time, because that is who's
hurting really, you know, and you're hurting on behalf of him.
You're not missing her, you know, you don't. She's not
gonna give you any answers that you're gonna like or
that are gonna help, I promise.

Speaker 6 (36:09):
Sometimes the thing is people we hope to hear something
that's gonna make us feel better, so we have preconceived ideas.
I'm like, maybe she'll say this happened or maybe it
was because of this, but really you don't.

Speaker 1 (36:20):
Know what it is.

Speaker 6 (36:20):
And then that's what's really scary, is the unknown of why,
and you have so many questions about it. But whatever
she says, even if she does give you an answer,
you might not like and it might make it worse
or more confusing, or it might not even be an
honest answer from her. She might just be trying to
like soften the whatever it was. So for me, at
the end of the day, it's more about you forgiving
and moving on through it. Right, you are all working

(36:43):
together in your family of finding your own piece and
just moving forward together as a unit.

Speaker 7 (36:48):
Yeah, for sure. And it's totally me being like petty
and a stickler, Like I totally get that, And I
just have struggled with why does it even bother me?
Because I would tell anyone exactly what Chelsea just said.

Speaker 2 (37:00):
It bothers you because it's your father and you love
him and you care about him and you hate see
him in pain.

Speaker 1 (37:04):
That's why it bothers you.

Speaker 2 (37:05):
But you have a new baby, and that's a great
focal point, Like that's great for your dad to focus on.

Speaker 1 (37:11):
That's great for you to focus on.

Speaker 2 (37:12):
And all you can do is just be a ballast
for him, just support him, love him, show up for him,
let him vent to you.

Speaker 1 (37:20):
Has he had communication with her since they.

Speaker 7 (37:22):
Broke up, only that she wrote him that she canceled
his Netflix, Like that's the only Wow.

Speaker 2 (37:33):
Oh, God, not really, Yeah, just new beginnings. You have
to think about it as new beginnings. There's a time
for grieving, there's a time for morning, and then there's
a time for like planting and harvesting. And in this
cycle you are going to get to the next phase
and just stick with him, you know, use all of
that anger and turn it into love for your father.

Speaker 7 (37:56):
Yeah, okay, we are.

Speaker 1 (37:58):
Yeah, I'm sure you are.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
But when you want to reach out to her, just
redirect that attention towards him.

Speaker 7 (38:04):
Okay, that's helpful.

Speaker 3 (38:05):
Yeah, I think that's really good advice.

Speaker 2 (38:07):
I think that's the right thing. So yes, and you know,
be graceful when it's over. Always be graceful when it's over,
someone tells you they don't want to be there anymore.

Speaker 1 (38:16):
Thank you for letting us know. Goodbye.

Speaker 7 (38:18):
Yeah totally. I just needed to hear.

Speaker 6 (38:21):
If they want to go, you've got to let them go. Unfortunately,
even though it causes you pain, but you're gonna be okay.

Speaker 7 (38:26):
Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 1 (38:28):
Yeah, no problem.

Speaker 4 (38:29):
Rio.

Speaker 3 (38:29):
Well, thanks for calling Ankorin of course, take care.

Speaker 6 (38:37):
All right.

Speaker 3 (38:38):
Our next one is just an email. This comes from Meredith.
She says, should I tell my mom about my dad's girlfriend.

Speaker 4 (38:45):
Ah, and it's a little bit of a tricky it's
a little bit of a tricky title.

Speaker 3 (38:51):
But but you'll say, you'll see.

Speaker 2 (38:52):
I have to say I love salacious affairs, like I
don't want them to happen to everyone.

Speaker 1 (38:58):
But I do like to hear about it.

Speaker 3 (38:59):
I know, I know.

Speaker 4 (39:00):
Sometimes I'm like, I'm sorry you're going through this, but
it's great for the time.

Speaker 1 (39:03):
I can't help it.

Speaker 3 (39:04):
Oh, we do like hearing about it.

Speaker 4 (39:07):
Okay, so it's a little bit of a misdirect But
Dear Chelsea, my sister's daughter has autism, and there's one
teacher of hers who's been particularly extraordinary. My sister has
talked to our mom about this teacher a lot because
of all the wonderful things she's done for my niece
over the years. But my sister withholds the fact that
this teacher has been dating our dad for the past

(39:27):
six months and things are getting serious. In a few weeks,
my mom and I will be flying in for my
niece's birthday. My dad and his girlfriend will also be
at all the birthday events. My dad knows my mom
will be there, but my mom doesn't know my dad
has a girlfriend. Let alone that it's someone she knows.
Though my parents have been divorced for twenty years and
live in different states, my mom still has a short.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
Fuse when it comes to my dad.

Speaker 4 (39:51):
My dad, sister and I are expecting my mom's reaction
to be explosive, yelling, crying, running away, etc. I ask
my sister multiple times to tell our mom about our
dad's relationship so our mom has time to process and
she doesn't create a scene at my niece's birthday party.
But it's been months and it's clear my sister is
not going to do it. Do I tell my mom

(40:12):
about my dad's girlfriend, Meredith?

Speaker 2 (40:15):
I'd say yes, I didn't realize they're not married. He's
allowed to have a girlfriend. That's allowed. Yes, they've been
divorced and separated for a long time, and yes, to
save the drama from the actual day, I would absolutely
be honest with your mother, since your sister camp bring
herself to do it and your father's I mean, I
don't know that he has a responsibility to even tell

(40:36):
her because they've been separated for so long. So I think,
as a daughter, yes, I think you should tell her
and say listen, I want to tell you something. This
is going to be maybe difficult for you to hear,
but I just want our niece not to suffer anything,
you know, have any.

Speaker 1 (40:51):
Bad vibes on her birthday. Yeah, but this is the situation.

Speaker 6 (40:54):
Someone that's been separated for twenty years absolutely has permission
to start date. I mean, there's not really a time frame
for any of that, right, you don't want that to
happen at a party. And also it's also one of
those things like if she is explosive and it has
this big personality that is going to blow up, you
should get that that fuse to be started outside of
the party at home on her own, because she's going
to show up the party and she's going to see

(41:16):
them together. She's going to feel the energy, and that
girlfriend shouldn't have to hide the emotion she has for
the dad, but she shouldn't have to act like they're
not together while she's there to protect someone else's feelings
because they have an explosive personality.

Speaker 4 (41:28):
Yeah, and I'm sure the sister who is like the
mom of the niece, I'm sure the sister like hasn't
told mom because she's like, oh, well then mom won't come.

Speaker 3 (41:36):
But you can't just like surprise people with this, like
if if that's.

Speaker 4 (41:40):
Mom's prerogative and she doesn't want to come because Dad's
going to be there with his girlfriend, Like she's allowed
to do that.

Speaker 3 (41:46):
And she has to be able to make her own choice.

Speaker 2 (41:48):
I'm not a big proponent of choosing making choices for
other people, right. You give people the information and then
they decide what they're going to do with it. You
give them the truth and then they decide. You can't
decide for your mother that she's you know what I mean,
And your sister can't decide for your mother either, Like, oh,
maybe she'll find out at the part, Like that's so
unfair and it's so disloyal. You know, that's your mother

(42:09):
and that's your father, and you want to be actually
respectful to both of them. And I also would include
making sure your mom knows how much this woman has
done for your niece, because I think that's important information
for your mother to hear and to kind of mitigate
her anger.

Speaker 3 (42:23):
Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 (42:24):
I love the idea though, that you would be separated
for twenty years and your ex would be pissed that
you're dating. Like, I love the notion of that. I
mean I honestly believe your mom. I mean, there's a
chance your mom will have absolutely no fucking reaction whatsoever
true other than the fact that you guys all knew
about it and no one said anything to her.

Speaker 6 (42:43):
Maybe we should also get her dating, like why does
no one tell she? Probably maybe she should date someone,
like maybe you put her on a date.

Speaker 2 (42:50):
Who knows who what she's up to. Maybe she is
and is too scared to tell her own family. But
I don't like secrets within families. It's like, no, there's
no necessary that, there's no need to get be secretive
like that when you're hiding something that creates toxicity.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
I feel like secrets are always a toxic thing.

Speaker 3 (43:07):
What do they say, you're only as sick as your secrets.
I think that's like an age.

Speaker 2 (43:10):
Oh, yes, that's right, you're only as sick as your secrets.
Luckily I have none.

Speaker 1 (43:14):
I have a couple.

Speaker 4 (43:14):
But all right, Well, our next caller is Jess, And
this question is kind of about like when you're very
busy making sure that there's time for your family, for balance,
all that stuff. So Jess is thirty seven and she's
in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm living
my dream. I have my dream wife, my dream job,

(43:37):
and quite frankly, my dream life. We don't have kids,
and we're lucky enough to have the opportunity to travel often,
and I'm really proud of and happy with the life
we've created. Unfortunately, my incredible wife of almost ten years
is not having the same experience. It breaks my heart,
especially since it seems I'm partially to blame. I started
a nonprofit seven years ago that utilizes gardening and caring

(43:59):
for reskewed animals to teach life skills, social skills, and
job skills to adults with autism. It's the most difficult
and rewarding thing I've ever done. It requires a lot
of sacrifices money, time, and energy, and it all goes
back into the organization. I really try hard to balance
it with my life at home, but I never seem
to be able to give my wife everything she needs

(44:20):
from me. She says that I have nothing left for
her after work, and she's not wrong. It can be
all consuming. There's no money to be made in this field.
We're fortunate to break even, and as an organization, we
don't even have the finances to hire extra help. At
the moment, I'm not willing to give my wife less
than she deserves. I'm also not willing to give up
this dream. There are too many people depending on it.

Speaker 3 (44:41):
So what do I do?

Speaker 4 (44:42):
I want to make a difference in the world, But
my wife is not going to put up with this
much longer. She's already given so much, aside from winning
the lottery to fund the organization. I don't feel like
there's a real win here. Please help, Thank you so
so much.

Speaker 2 (44:55):
Jess, Hi, Jess, this is all especially just Alsinholker today.

Speaker 5 (45:00):
Oh my gosh, wonderful.

Speaker 2 (45:03):
Okay, so your wife is pissed because she doesn't get
enough of your attention. Basically, so when you come home
from work, like, what are your work hours?

Speaker 5 (45:11):
Like, Oh, they're just all over the place. I mean
I work seven days a week.

Speaker 7 (45:16):
It depends.

Speaker 3 (45:17):
It just depends on what.

Speaker 5 (45:17):
The needs of the animals are. And you know, depending
on if I get you know, we could be on
a day or doing something and I get pulled away
because the animals escape the fence or whatever. There's just
always something that comes up. It's just there's always a need.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
Yeah, that's tough. And what does your wife have a job,
what's her schedule?

Speaker 5 (45:37):
Like, she is a bartender. She works most evenings some daytimes,
but her work is very much you know, like leave
it there, whereas mine I bring it home. And so
even with I even when I am having time with her,
I'm very distracted thinking about all of these people that

(45:57):
are depending on me. For a lot of our participants,
it's they don't have other options, so we're pretty much
their only source of support. So if someone calls me up,
I kind of feel obligated to, you know, respond to that.

Speaker 2 (46:12):
And so you can work at any time of the day,
like you could call it in. I mean, are there
other people that you can delegate stuff to that work.

Speaker 5 (46:19):
With you to an extent, Yes, but we don't have
the funds to hire enough staff for that. So generally,
if it's like in off hours or out of whatever
hours we have, then it's pretty much just.

Speaker 1 (46:34):
Me, okay.

Speaker 2 (46:36):
And when people call you for an emergency, like, give
me an example of what an emergency is.

Speaker 5 (46:40):
Well, if it's a parent calling, it could be that
the parent is having a crisis with their son or
daughter and they need help figuring out how to calm
them and how to stabilize them. If it's coming from
the organization the farm. It could be that animals have
gotten out of the fence. It could be that an
animal is sick. It could be any number of things.

(47:04):
It just depends during the growing season. It could have
to do with our garden. It could have to do
with managing whatever pass or deer or what I mean.
It could be literally hundreds of thousands of reasons.

Speaker 3 (47:15):
It's like morning tonight every single day, basically.

Speaker 6 (47:18):
Right, absolutely, absolutely well.

Speaker 2 (47:21):
It sounds like you're going to have to find sometimes
to just block out any sort of you know, needs
from your work, like little pockets you know, on certain
days when your wife isn't working, whether it's like a
Saturday morning for two hours that you are not going
to answer your phone or respond to your phone, you know,

(47:41):
and leave a message that you're not available for these
two hours, because it is reasonable for her to be
irritated at that. It sounds like a twenty four hour job.
And if you really want to hold on to this relationship,
which I'm assuming you do, absolutely yeah, then you have
to compromise and you're going to have to figure out
away to either delegate some of your responsibilities or just

(48:04):
have these like little blackout curtains throughout the week, you know,
I mean a couple of hours like each you know,
whatever days that you guys want to spend together, or
even if it's in the mornings where you're not going
to look at your phone and you're going to have
a message on your phone saying I will be back
and responding to messages at ten am or you know,
four pm.

Speaker 1 (48:23):
I'm not answering messages from two to four.

Speaker 2 (48:25):
You're gonna have to do that, and you're gonna have
to find somebody who can pick who can take care
of things for those two hours that you can delegate
that too, and I think you can. It sounds like
what you're doing is pretty like noble, and the people
that you work with are probably going to want to
you know, is there some exchange you can do with
the other people that also work there where you can
kind of cover each other.

Speaker 5 (48:46):
Yes, yes, I think there is some of that. I think,
you know, it's also a big boundary issue I have
with the participants and the parents of the participants of
the program, where you know, well, I have kind of
made myself available twenty four to seven, and I need
to kind of change that precedent because it's not working

(49:07):
for us.

Speaker 4 (49:08):
Yeah, I mean even if you're available nine to five,
it's too much because then you still have to do
all this care for all these animals in the off hours,
you know. I mean you can't be these people's like
primary point of contact for like you know, medical and
emotional emergencies and have this like farm situation. I do
have some thoughts, like specifically how to like bring in

(49:30):
additional help, you know.

Speaker 3 (49:32):
I think if Tiger King taught us anything, it.

Speaker 4 (49:35):
Is that there is a world of people out there
who love animals and are ready to volunteer to come
help at something like this, especially because it's for you know,
members of the autistic community and helping people as well.
So you're in Grand Rapids, Michigan, right, Yes, And do
you have like an Instagram or somewhere where people can
reach out to you if this sounds like they would

(49:56):
like to volunteer.

Speaker 5 (49:58):
Yes, Yes, you can do it through the website site,
which is we grow roots dot org.

Speaker 4 (50:02):
Amazing, amazing, and we'll make sure that we put that
in the description as well. And I think Chelsea is right,
like a date night goes a really long way or
date morning, if it's like we know every Saturday morning
we're going out to brunch or whatever it is.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
But yeah, you are boundaryless and it's honorable for what
you're doing, so I can understand it. But if you
put the effort towards your spouse and say, I'm going
to put two of these days aside, two of these
time slots aside, whether it's Friday night or Tuesday night
or Saturday morning, whatever, this is just for us. I'm
going to let everyone know that I'm not going to
be reachable during those hours. And you can be honest

(50:36):
if you want to be being Like, listen, my relationship
is suffering because of my work. I've over you know,
I have no boundaries, and it's necessary for me to
create some. I've spoken with a counselor her name is
Chelsea Handler, and I need to create some boundaries because
you want to save your marriage, and when you put
forth that effort towards.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
Your partner, a little goes a really long way.

Speaker 6 (50:57):
Yeah, I pull those non negotia in my life, like
I absolutely I am blocked off Saturday mornings from nine
to twelve or or and do whatever we want to do.
No one can contact me, no checking your emails. But
you also have to be diligent of like not checking
your phones and going back to those people reaching out
at the same time. But I even think, for me,
when I'm hearing your story, I agree with you, like

(51:18):
the boundaries. We definitely have to put up boundaries. But
it also seems like you have to have non negotiable
time for just yourself because you keep pouring into so
many people and you're talking about your relationship, you're talking
about the animals, talking about your charit. But like you
also have to protect your energy. So I think you
have to have like a date night that's like scheduled,
but also you have to have time for yourself, whether

(51:38):
it's working out, going on a walk by yourself. I
think you need to prioritize yourself so then by the
time you get to date night, you even have energy
to be able to pour into someone.

Speaker 5 (51:48):
Thank you. Yeah that is that's I feel like that
is a really important piece that I'm missing. For sure,
I give everything I have to whomever I can give
it to, and then yeah, I feel pretty drained. So
I think that thank you, thank you for that recommendation.

Speaker 2 (52:05):
It is so important what Elson just said, Like, if
your cup is full, you are able to fill other's cup.
When your cup is depleted, you're empty handed, right, You
know what I mean. So you have to fig whether
it's meditating every morning, whether it is giving yourself an
hour every morning to get centered and focused so that
you are available, and to know when you are reaching
your limit, and to know and say, I am not

(52:26):
going to be helpful to you at this point because
I've overworked and I need to be fresh, like I
need to refresh. And part of that refresh is spending
time with your wife, quality time with your wife, and
part of it is spending quality time alone. I would
spend more time with your wife than alone right now,
because it sounds like.

Speaker 1 (52:43):
She's fucking pissed off. So I would really go in
on that.

Speaker 2 (52:47):
But I would really even if it's fifteen minutes every
morning where you just sit and you meditate, or you
sit and you do affirmations, you know, but you have
to really be respectful of your time and your bandwidth.
And I know, oh that to be true. I've been there,
Allison's been there, Catherine's been there. Every single person has
lit the candle at both ends. And paid the price

(53:07):
because you're not giving the best of yourself when you're
that depleted.

Speaker 5 (53:11):
So how do how do the three of you manage
your personal relationships being how busy you all three are well?

Speaker 6 (53:19):
With mine, so with my I have three children, so
I'll talk about those relationships. I schedule out something that's
personal for them each week. That's kind of like everyone
looks for. Like my daughter, she loves to get her
nails done, so we get her nails done and that's
our own time, just us too. I do it every
single time with her. It's very consistent. I also send
her flowers every month just because I between us. But

(53:40):
then my son Max, I take into Yogurtland and just
a date with us without the other kids. So I
always make sure that each kid gets even just an
hour of my time, no phone, no work, no friends,
no other kids, and it's just focused on them.

Speaker 1 (53:55):
Yeah, that's nice.

Speaker 4 (53:57):
I think setting the time on your calendar is like
absolutely helpful.

Speaker 3 (54:01):
It's a seesaw too.

Speaker 4 (54:02):
You know, some weeks are going to be busier, some
weeks you're not going to be as busy. So for me,
I know it's like, oh my gosh, I haven't really
connected with my husband. In a little while, I'm gonna
like put some time on the calendar. Hey, on Friday,
we're doing absolutely nothing but date night or hanging out
and watching a movie or whatever it is.

Speaker 1 (54:18):
And I think, you know, you're a giver.

Speaker 2 (54:20):
You're giving out your output output output, And you know,
I've gone through phases in my life where people are
going through things and it is so important for me
to be a good friend, Like that is my number
one thing. Like I love to show up for people
when they're in crisis or when they need me, Like
I am dependable and I am reliable.

Speaker 1 (54:37):
Those are the things I've always wanted to be.

Speaker 2 (54:39):
But you have to understand that when it is time
for you to be selfish, like for you to take
care of yourself, Like people think, oh, I'm being so
Like it's not selfish, it's filling yourself up with more gas,
spending your time alone. Like you have to take that
time and say, yes, I am going to be selfish.

Speaker 1 (55:01):
Right now.

Speaker 2 (55:01):
You've given enough to enough people to like get you
into heaven three times over. So when you need that
time alone, you have to a be able to recognize it,
recognize when you're like depleted and go okay, okay, okay,
you're not of good use to anyone, certainly not your
partner or the people that you work with when you
are constantly running on empty. So you have to really

(55:23):
really be able to a recognize it and then be
execute that by going, Okay, this is my time. I'm
going to go for a walk, I'm going to refresh,
I'm going to recharge, I'm going to take a nap
for thirty minutes. Whatever it is that you need to
do that's going to make you feel better. Do not
be shy about asking for it and.

Speaker 1 (55:39):
Then taking it.

Speaker 6 (55:40):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (55:41):
Yeah, and don't be shy.

Speaker 2 (55:42):
About asking people that work with you for that time too,
you know, tell them I need thirty minutes right now,
I need to recharge. I need to go spend this
time with my wife. Don't be shy about asking for favors.
People are more willing to do things for you than
we all know.

Speaker 5 (55:57):
Yeah, you're right, you're right. I need to be a
better at asking for help, that's for sure.

Speaker 2 (56:01):
Yeah, it's not You're not a hero when you're just
constantly getting drained, Right, it feels like you're doing the
right thing, but it's not heroic, yeah, because in the
end everyone suffers.

Speaker 4 (56:12):
Yeah, right right, And saying no is a bit of
a muscle you have to work like. It will be
hard for you at first, and you may get people
who are like you weren't there, but you know what,
they will realize that, like you need time for yourself
and that's okay. Like it's okay if sometimes you get
people who are upset about it, because they'll kind of
get used to it as well, or they won't and

(56:33):
they'll go find some other boundaryless person to bother.

Speaker 3 (56:36):
But the more you work that muscle of saying no
and setting a boundary, the better you'll get at it.

Speaker 5 (56:41):
Yeah. I think that's really important because I don't want
to be unavailable for anyone, but I also don't want
to be available twenty four to seven. And I think
I've given certain people sort of this unending support that
just has no limits, and so I need to start
setting a boundary and changing that precedent.

Speaker 2 (57:03):
Change that precedent, pick a few hour windows throughout the week,
and also stop answering calls at a certain time of night,
whether it's eight o'clock or nine, whatever you feel comfortable with.
But as an expression of love to your partner. I
am not going to answer calls past this time.

Speaker 1 (57:19):
I'm just not.

Speaker 2 (57:20):
Whatever happens, that happens, and I'll be available tomorrow during
workout yepes.

Speaker 1 (57:25):
But pick a time and start sticking to that.

Speaker 2 (57:27):
And people do respect when you set boundaries. They don't
like it in the beginning, but they respect.

Speaker 4 (57:32):
It, right right, all right, Jess, Well keep us posting,
all right.

Speaker 5 (57:38):
I will thank you so much, all three of you
for your time. It's been such a pleasure to meet you.

Speaker 6 (57:44):
Thank you.

Speaker 5 (57:44):
I appreciate it so much.

Speaker 2 (57:46):
Oh, you're welcome, Jess. Good luck with everything, and thank
you for the work you're doing.

Speaker 7 (57:50):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (57:50):
Absolutely, take care.

Speaker 6 (57:52):
Bye.

Speaker 2 (57:53):
Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we're
going to wrap it up with Alison Holker and we're
back Allison. Allison's new book, you guys, it's a children's book.
It's called Keep Dancing Through. It's a boss family groove
and it's all about positive affirmations for your children and
way to spread joy and sunshine. Allison, Before you go,

(58:15):
I do want to ask you if you could give
one piece of advice to anyone experiencing grief or loss.

Speaker 1 (58:22):
What would you say.

Speaker 6 (58:23):
Life isn't about what happens to you, It's about how
you walk through it.

Speaker 1 (58:26):
Love it, love it. Thank you so much for being
our guest today.

Speaker 2 (58:30):
I adore you, and I well, I'm going to contact
you when I'm back in La so we can have
a drink together.

Speaker 6 (58:36):
I love that way.

Speaker 2 (58:39):
Yes, yes, and congrats on everything. And you can see
her every week on So you think you could dance?
Thanks Allison, Thank you so much you guys, It's been
so much fun.

Speaker 6 (58:50):
Hopefully come back.

Speaker 2 (58:51):
Yes or I'll be on so you think you can say?
That's actually the perfect title for me.

Speaker 1 (58:59):
Okay, guys, so for stand up.

Speaker 2 (59:02):
My next two shows in Vancouver are March twenty ninth.
There are still tickets available for March thirtieth in Vancouver
if you're in the Vancouver area, so get your tickets
before they run out. That's March twenty ninth is sold out.
March thirtieth tickets available. And then I'm coming to Salt
Lake City on April fourth, and I'm coming to Denver,
Colorado and April fifth. Tickets are still available for those two. Maricopa,

(59:24):
Arizona is April twelfth, and then Brooks California is April thirteenth,
and we added a second show in Sydney, and we
added a second show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is
now going to be May twenty fourth. We added the
Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there
last year. That's August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We

(59:46):
added a second show at Santa Rosa on August second,
and we added two dates at Hawaii.

Speaker 1 (59:53):
Guys.

Speaker 2 (59:54):
I'm coming to Hawaii on July nineteenth to ca Who
Louis gonna be at Caho Louis, And then I'm coming
on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I just added
another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So, and all
my Australia and New Zealand dates are up, and I

(01:00:14):
will be announcing a European tour shortly, so I will
be coming there.

Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
And I'm coming to Oklahoma.

Speaker 2 (01:00:20):
I have two dates in Oklahoma May third, which is
my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Be in Thackerville, Oklahoma.

Speaker 2 (01:00:29):
So Oklahomians, Oklahoma's Oklohm's come fine.

Speaker 4 (01:00:34):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com