August 22, 2019 • 35 mins
Chelsea is joined live in San Francisco by Sarah Silverman where they hilariously discuss the time they saw the Harvard Men’s Choir, how they became friends, and working in comedy.
Credits:
Host: Chelsea Handler
Guest: Sarah Silverman
Executive Producer: Conal Byrne
Producers: Sophie Lichterman, Jack O’Brien
Writers: Jamie Loftus, Anna Hossnieh & Sophie Lichterman
Consulting Producers: Nick Stumpf, Miles Gray, & Anna Hossnieh
Engineer: Billy Klein
This episode wasMixed & Edited by: Danl Goodman
Music by: Kingsbury
Order: "Life Will Be the Death of Me"
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the
Death of Me A production of I Heart Radio. Oh,
good afternoon, Hello Brandon. How are you doing? I'm great.
How are you? I'm well? Thank you? What would do
we have any updates? We've had a lot of updates. Actually,
I got some new rugs installed this week. People just
need to check out your Instagram at Chelsea Handler to
(00:20):
keep up with everything going on in your life. Because
there's a lot happening at the house and I'm home.
I've been in l A for a while, and that
I know irks you because you're ready for me to
go away. Luckily, I have a trip coming up this weekend.
Isn't that right? Feel like when you're on the road.
This weekend, I had some friends over for mushroom Friday.
We went swimming in my pool. We ordered food for ourselves,
(00:43):
we ordered Postmates pizza. We were there. I didn't hear
from you for two days, which can be concerning, right,
But I also try and remember no news is good news, right.
But I cleaned up after everybody left, some people late state.
I was in bed by midnight. Everyone came over around
six ish after we had our Bert's scare. We're gonna
have to get that dog tracking collar because he got
(01:04):
one for me to. We were so scared. We lost
Bert and we had workers at my house delivering the rugs.
We couldn't find him. We couldn't find him. We raced
around the neighborhood. My bell was screaming bird, bird, birt
so many times it was overkill. And then finally Brandon
found him wedged between the property gate of our neighbors
(01:25):
and some cement block. Yeah, and and he dislikes me
so much that he wedged himself further through just to escape. Yeah,
to get away from you. And then yeah, so right
into mama's arms. We right, he went right into my
bell's arms. But we screamed and we screamed. And guess
who didn't bark once to let us know that he
was hearing our screams. Burt, because he's an idiot. So
(01:50):
this week's show is Sarah Silverman and Me in San Francisco.
We talked about at Harvard singing Acapella group a little bit.
We talked about stand up and my real zation that
I should probably start doing it again, which I now
am doing it again. And we talk about female comics
because girls aren't funny and that just has to keep
being spoken about. Well, girls are funny now, so everybody
(02:14):
needs to deal with it. I'm going to bring out
one of my very favorite people in the whole wide world,
and I know you're gonna be very, very very happy
to see her, So please show your appreciation as I
welcome my very dear friend, Sarah Silverman. Hi Chelsea, Hi,
(02:44):
Hi Sarah. Thanks y'all. Mm hmm. We've been stoned together
on a number of occasions. The most recent one was
a very odd night we have if. I have a
friend named al and he went to Harvard and there
was an acapella group. What is it the Harvard Singing Group?
(03:05):
Do you remember what they're called. I know that the
Yale Ones are the Whiffin poofs, right, and they're the
Harvard version of that. So it's like basically twenty year
old boys singing. And when he said he was seeing
a bunch of guys that went to Harvard, I was like, oh, Sarah,
we're saying, oh, there's Harvard guys there, and she's like
that sounds awful, and I said, let's brought in our horizons.
It's could be cute, we'll be together, it'll be fine.
(03:28):
And it was at some like store in Beverly Hills
that selled perfume and men's clothing or something. So the
lighting was it was tricky. So I go to our house,
we smoke a joint, We go and meet up with
my friend, and all of a sudden, there's just enough
people to be awkward for us to leave. Yeah, they're
like seventeen people, so we couldn't just be like, let's go.
And then also it was like cocktails at first, and
(03:51):
then all of a sudden the show started and where
we happened to be standing became the front row because
it was like so we there was no escape, No,
it was the front row, and it was bright lights,
so the people who were singing were staring straight at
Sarah and me, probably wondering why are these two girls here.
We felt like child molesters. I was like, we have
(04:12):
to get out of here. And then the singing is beautiful, right,
I mean, if you're like and I like tight harmonies,
I'm a sucker. First a nice tight harmony. And all
of a sudden she's standing next to me and she goes,
I go, what are you doing? Waiting to get underknees.
What are you doing right now? And then and she's like,
we're gonna watch them sing like this, and I'm standing
(04:34):
next to her, so I get on mimies it. Chelsea goes,
but I'm just so, this is what can I explain
to you? When I get high, I love weed, and
I don't necessarily get paranoid. But the one paranoid element
is that when I'm high, I feel convinced that I'm
taking up too much space. And so I felt like
(04:59):
no one could see behind, like no one behind me
could see over my giant presence. So I try to
just make myself very small. And then what I realized
as soon as I got down was that it put
you in a very precarious position to be. So then
you got down, and by this point, my knees hurt
(05:21):
so much. And then I got down. She goes, I
gotta get back home, you know. I just my knees
hurt so much. And then I you know, so we
made a scene by desperately trying to be inconspicuous. Anyway,
that was our most recent outing, and then also how
(05:42):
we met. We've said an interesting story, is it sure? Yeah,
I'm sure. I mean, I'm sure it is. I don't remember. Oh,
I remember at the Haiti fundraiser, right, Yes, I do.
We were both in the industry and the same business
for so many years because you were for a crossed path,
never really and I just assumed you didn't like me,
because I always assume people don't like me, you know,
I just just I go with that and that way,
(06:04):
no one's disappointed, you know, like I remember. And then
we would see each other at functions and I was
too shy. Then finally at this thing, I just made
myself go up to you. Yeah you did. You came
up and you're like, hey, Chelsea, we should be friends.
I said, what, it's crazy. We don't know each other.
(06:26):
That's so weird. Comics always know each other. Yeah. It
was one of those moments where you have this protective guard,
which I definitely had for so many years, where I
was like, I don't need anybody to like me, and
I'm just gonna do my thing and just and you
have this protective thing and then you were successful before
I was. I was in the comedy clubs and I
saw you and you were somebody who was, you know,
a big stop Biddle. So when you said that, it's
just such a great example of to be fucking nicer
(06:48):
to everybody. We should all be reaching out and saying, hey,
do you want to be friends? You know, and as
since then we're great friends. It's just such a good reminder,
especially girls like we need each other, reach out to
each other, show up and be like especially friends that
you don't normally have, you know. As a matter of fact,
then we did a photo shoot together and she said,
(07:11):
she went like this to my bra. She goes, what
is that? I have the same bra, you know, And
then she goes, I wear the same bra, but mine's
not filthy, and um, I said, well, I have one
that's like Caucasian nude and one that's black, and but
the one that's black wasn't naturally black. It's just dirty.
(07:36):
But we wear the exact same kind of like support
bra and were the exact same size boob. And by
the end of that shoot, like somebody just went with
that piece of information. Oh yeah, comes her assistant with
a bag of forty of these and every bra I
(08:01):
were of Now I have several we're given to me
by Chelsea handler. M Chelsea. She tries to hide it.
But she is a caregiver beyond anything else. And you know,
I was trying to when I wrote caregiver and then
(08:21):
I go as a caretaker, the caregiver and caretaker mean
that is it like getting the check? But it's like
a bill. Right, Okay, We're gonna take a quick break
and we'll be right back. I'm deciding whether to like
go a little deeper, go or start. Oh, I'm sorry,
(08:46):
I wasn't asking you. I'm sorry, um, because I loved
your book and I learned so much about you and
that changed the way I think, and I love when
something changes me. And um, I just loved every part
of it, and I think it's so special and can
(09:09):
really not just let people learn your story? I mean
talk about like there isn't anyone you couldn't love once
you've heard their story. You can even love Chelsea Handler
once you've heard this story. But um, one thing that
I thought was interesting is that your brother died on
(09:32):
an adventure and that you are so adventurous. You're the
most adventurous person I know, And I wonder if that
has anything to do with that in some weird way. Yeah, yeah,
that's a great question. Sarah, I know. I'm sorry. It's
not no, it is question. You never thought about that.
You know. I once went skydiving when I was nineteen
(09:52):
years old. I remember I came out to California. I
was like, yeah, this seems like a good place for
me to relocate. And I went skydiving and I had
all these pictures and I had hit them from my
father because we weren't allowed to do stuff. I mean,
we could do whatever we wanted obviously, but he you know,
because of my brother's accident. It was height and it
was you know, and I remember coming home one day
my dad had the pictures scattered all across the kitchen
(10:12):
island of me skydiving, and his face was just like,
you know, like he had been in a fight, and
he was like, how dare you jump out of a
plane after your brother fell off of a cliff. And
I was like, it's time for me to go to
l a like. But you know, the pain was so
raw for all of us. It's almost like we had
(10:33):
to get away from each other in order to heal
because it was so raw and it was so painful
to go home and be ignored over and over again
and be desperate for attention that you had your whole life,
and it totally explains my career and wanting to be
you know, I wanted attention, attention, attention. I thought what
I wanted was a connection. You know, you get confused
(10:54):
and you love the accolades and you love people. I
just wanted somebody to ask me where I had been
all day. Know that takes me. I'm getting to the angiogram.
What you talked about in the book is just being
in motion and not being able to sit still. And
then you took this, did I say right? Any? Yeah?
So it's like this personality test that my doctor gave me.
(11:17):
At first, I was like, is this astrology adjacent? And
he's like no, and he basically came up. There are
all these numbers that describe different personality types, and I'm
a number eight, which is a fixer, which is somebody
who goes in fixes everybody else's problems but never takes
a look at themselves, which is exactly what I do.
You know, I'll fix anybody's problem. I'll sit on your
bed morning, noon and night, and I will have as
(11:38):
much sympathy as you need, and I will be the
best friend and fixer. I'll throw money at any problem,
I'll show up, I'll fly to Germany if I have to.
I will be there for anyone. But as far as
empathy goes, you know I was lacking that. I was
lacking empathy. The difference between sympathy and empathy is feeling
sorry for somebody and actually thinking what it's like to
be that person in that period. And he was like,
(11:59):
you lack empathy, that's why you've had these issues. And
so that was a big aha moment. And the number eight,
which is the number I am an Instagram? Do you
know what number you are? Sarah? No, I don't, but
I just think it's interesting because you share number eight
with who else? Donald Trump and some other really big assholes.
(12:20):
But luckily, through my meditation, because Donald Trump's obviously not
doing that, you can become self actualized. No matter what
number you are. There are people who are not self aware,
who are not present, who are not conscious, which is
what I was doing for ten years. And to be
able to go from that too, looking inward and realizing
everything that you realize is so incredible. But it is
(12:42):
interesting to look at your early life, where you came from,
and how you became this wildly successful kind of like
how Donald Trump became wildly successful, filling an unfillable hole
and constantly staying in motion. And it's you know, he's
never to look inward because I think if he Saul
(13:04):
really looked at himself, he'd probably kill himself. But um,
you just talked about how you didn't have empathy. But
I beg to differ because when your mom was in hospice,
you gave her the greatest gift you could give her,
which was pulling cots in and being with your siblings
(13:28):
and laughing and talking. And you say earlier in your book,
and I'm wondering if you made this connection. And I
guess it's not a question. It's just me pontificating about
how smart I am from reading your book that I
think that is empathy. You gave her her greatest joy,
which you say early in the book, was to be peripheral,
(13:50):
to like what's going on, to not contribute. She didn't
want to talk, but she wanted to just be around
the conversation and the happenings, and you gave her that.
That wasn't a question, but just saying it was a statement.
It's funny because you talk about completely falling out of
love with stand up, but is that really well? By
(14:13):
doing that and taking the time and being on this
tour and going around to these cities, I was like, Okay,
I do want to do stand up again, you know,
so I am going to do it again. And for
years I was like, never again, never again, because I
lost my joy. You know, I just was moving too fast.
You know, there are too many huge moments I missed.
But the answer to your question is yes, I needed
(14:34):
to rediscover my love for stand up and it had
to be my own idea. Yeah, yeah, and uh oh
right saying no, if someone told you ten years ago
that in ten years you'd be promoting a book about
politics and therapy, what would you have told? Though? Listen,
I don't know this bitch. Either anything is possible. I mean,
(14:58):
are you aren't you surprised? Or are you Maybe you're
the opposite of me because we are opposites in so
many ways. Are you surprised by the two changes that
you take in your career and the different things that
you do? I mean, does it feel natural? Is it intentional?
Do you plan on it? Or is it I've never
planned anything, and I never have thought of the future
(15:18):
or like anything. I so I that's how I feel.
I don't like to plan for the future. I just
I'm like, well, let's see which way the wind blows.
You know, maybe I want to do that. I don't plan.
I think it's more there's a different kind of energy
about it. You've got to get hopped up about something
and then you get really passionate about it. Yeah, for
like two days, and then you're like, oh no, I'm
(15:40):
not into that anywhere now. Sometimes I do. Somebody asked
me yesterday, They're like, are you are good? Like we're
having a silent retreat. I'm like, with no fucking silent retreats. Okay,
I'm not there yet. I'm not on the other side
of face. I'm like, I'm still normal. I don't want
to be silent for three days in the woods. We're
not so different, Like I remember it. We all got
awards or certificate for soccer in high school, and um,
(16:02):
everyone got positive things. And then they gave me least
popular on the van. But it was because I made
everyone's life hell when they were like trying to sleep
and everything specific at least popular, I have to say,
I loved it because it was so funny, it was
very creative and very true. You know, it's an interesting thing,
and it's kind of what you brought up just now
(16:25):
asking me. But the one time I had like an
identity crisis with comedy was the first time I had
my first special, because your first special is kind of
like the accumulation of everything you've done so far and
the best of it. And then that did well, and
then I didn't know who I was because I couldn't
do the same material anymore, so to write new material.
(16:47):
But I wanted to please the audience and give them
what they're expecting, which is to be surprised, And then
how can you do that? And then I was so
paralyzed until I realized comedy dies in a second guessing,
and you just have to start over and bomb and
eat ship and lose fans and get new fans hopefully,
and just stay with reflecting who you are, and hopefully
(17:10):
who you are is always changing and growing. So how
have your fans reacted if you felt a difference in
your change and a change in them? Yeah, I mean
I'm sure some people are probably like, oh, folk, she's
got off the defend and some people know. You know,
this was an opportunity to share something good. I've spent
my career over sharing and been rewarded for bad behavior
(17:32):
my entire career. No, honestly, I mean drinking. And I
wrote a book about sleeping around Everyone's like, yeah, this
is great, you know, and I'm glad I did it.
But you know, I didn't realize how easy it had
been for me, how easy my life had been, how
easy it is to be white and pretty and succeed.
And yeah, you can claim you have talent, and anyone
can have talent, and there are plenty of untalented people
(17:53):
who are very famous and plenty of talented people who aren't.
So it's really not about that. Another great thing from
what happened was the election was it made me get
out of my own ass. It made me look around
and say, wait, racism, What is the fucking deal here.
I'm an idiot, I'm a white per I don't know
shit about racism. You know, I'm part of the problem
by not being educated about the problem. You know, I
(18:14):
am complicit unless I, you know, do something, And so
it made me really recalibrate the work I want to
do and the way I want to contribute and to
be aware of everybody that is outside of my lane,
and that other people's experiences are unlike my own, and
to get to know those experiences so we can make
change and we can stick our next out for people
(18:35):
that need us to support them and use our platforms
for powerful ship. Okay, well, this sounds like a good
time to take a break. Who do you look up
to in comedy and and is there anyone in particular
who's made you feel better about getting more personal? I mean,
(18:55):
let's just keep this from getting uncomfortable, not including me.
I never really wanted to be a comedian. I didn't
know that's what I wanted. I didn't, you know, again,
it was about initially, and I know this is what
I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be communicating.
I'm supposed to always just tell the story about what's
going on with me, because what it's going on with me.
(19:17):
You know, I wrote this book. I thought I was
telling my story. You're telling so many people's stories. We're
all all of us. You know. You can't get through
the human experience without having trauma, without having grief, without
having lost It's just a matter of whether or not
you've dealt with it, and a lot of us have
and a lot of us haven't, and some may never
and that's all right too. But it's it's about wanting
to move forward in your life and take leaps and
(19:39):
you know, and be grounded. For me, when people talk
about spirituality, I was always like, oh, you know, stones
and chakras and massages and healing and whatever, um. But
for me, it's about being grounded. It's about being awake
and like, you know, being engaged with every fucking person
you make eye contact with every single day. And and
I had lost my way a little bit with that,
you know. I was just like taking everything for granted
(20:00):
and you know, not looking people in the eye and
being rushed and everything. And so so for that part
to sit still, to get ground and to be like, okay,
this is it. Every interaction is about all of us.
It's not just about me and my fucking paycheck. It's
about us. And that was a wake up call for me.
You know, I think a lot of us feed ourselves
(20:21):
and our families, and we want to take care of
our kids. Who wouldn't you want to take care of
your family and you want to take care of yourself,
and we lose our way with that because we're supposed
to all be taking care of each other, and we
now know it's a big fucking problem. So you know,
the world's getting browner and gayer. So you just gotta
hop on the fucking bus. Oh ship. Um so the
(20:50):
world around you when Me Too happened and everything, how
did that affect you? What? What kind of awareness did
you have that that was a reality in the world. None.
I had no awareness. I did not know that. I mean,
I knew people we were sexually assaulted, but I had
never been sexually assaulted. My friend Mary claims that I have,
and I haven't remembered, but I don't recall that. She's
(21:12):
like everyone's been Chelsea. She's like, of course you've been raped.
You were just probably drunk. I'm like, I don't think
I was raped, and then I'm like, okay, but um,
I was really alarmed. I did not know that it
was that rampant. I thought Harvey Weinstein slept with actresses.
I didn't know that he was raping actresses. You know,
what did you think? Were you surprised? Uh? No, not really. Yeah,
(21:38):
the first penis I ever saw I mean I had.
You know, it's funny because the first penis I ever
saw was my boss when I was a waitress in
New Hampshire called me in and and I was so nervous.
I thought I was in trouble. And then he was
just like you having a good time here, you know,
just asking like dumb questions. And I'm eighteen and I
(22:01):
had never, you know, seen a penis at that point,
except for like my dad's when I was three by accident.
But um, Adam Carolla has an excellent observation that everyone
thinks they're dead has a huge penis because they always
see it when they're three by accident. But um, so true.
That's about the right age you do see when you're three.
(22:22):
I saw it again at six, and then that was
the last. But so this guy was just asking me
like these just nothing questions, and I didn't understand why.
And then I looked and he was openly like jerking off,
and then you know, I just went, I have to
clean the popcorn machine. And I I was choked up,
(22:43):
and I was embarrassed, and I didn't tell my parents,
and you know, I didn't grow up like we grew
up with no taboos. We talked about everything, and it's
so if that happened to me and I never told
anyone in and like internalized, didn't kind of blame myself.
Then I just thought, well, this must happen all the time,
And you know, it wasn't until I was much older
than I was like, wow, you know, I wish those
(23:06):
guys don't do that to us. Now they know their prey.
They have an instinct of probably not consciously of like
who they can do that too. That won't say anything.
You know, if he did it to me now, or
even like four years later, I would have been like,
oh my god, Bobby just showed me as Penis, you know,
like just like started jerking out, you know what I mean.
(23:28):
I would have exposed it. But there's it is interesting
that they have a sixth sense, a sixth sixth six,
just like a sixth toe, they have a sixth sense.
I guess it was another instance of me not being
aware of the other stories that were going you know
what I mean. It's another kind of rarefied existence where
(23:50):
I didn't fully grasp what was happening. I'm so disgusted,
you know, and alarmed by it, and I'm and also
embarrassed for myself for not knowing more are not being
more educated, not knowing what that women are dealing without
on a regular basis, And how rampant it was. Well,
when you started doing stand up, I'm sorry, did you
want to clap? Let me just stop that? All right?
(24:15):
How about um? The word problem I love you. The
word problematic comedy is not evergreen. So I know I
have stuff in my life. Do you have stuff that
you've done that you would look at now and say
that's problematic? And how would you deal with that? How
(24:37):
do you? I think now we are in a period
of high red alert and overcorrection. But it's necessary because
people abuse their power and there's no evolution. We can
all change our jokes. They're still funny, shit happening. It's
not like the only funny stuff is to make fun
of people who are in marginalized communities. There's other funny
(24:59):
ship going on, and we can make fun of rich
white guys. Now, let's get that party started. And isn't
funny How horrified they are, how it's like, oh god,
you can't even be a white male. I was like, no,
you can't. It's just have a sense of you. You know,
it's so it's just so odd. Well, they say that
I read somewhere that was like equality feels like quality
(25:22):
feels like a loss because it feels like something is
being taken away from you. So people, white guys, old
white guys are like, whoa, whoa, the party's over. It's like, like,
I can't fail upward anymore. What the fuck? Yeah, I
can't just grab Pussey's when I need them. It's like, no, no,
that party is over. You find a new party, even
(25:45):
just like in the comedy world, you know, I think there.
First of all, I just want to say I have
a lot of white male friends, and I like white males,
but there are some you know, writers and stuff who
are like, I can't even get a job anymore, And no,
yes you can. You might have to be undeniable like
the rest of us have had to be to succeed,
you know. And that's a good thing. I think that
(26:05):
uhould be thrilled about that. But it's hard for them.
This divide and conquer thing that the man has put
on us and that we've believed for so many it's
ingrained in us. It's systemic, you know that, like the
success of one woman must come at the failure of another.
It's just it's it's not true, you know. But when
(26:26):
we bond together, we're gonna do something the man's fears
very much will be a force, you know. And that's
I think you lead the way with that. You start
your book talking about infantilizing yourself, that your success has
made you into an infant where you have several had
(26:47):
made you into an infant where you of all these assistance,
you don't know how to work as fucking single thing
in your house. And it's interesting too now reading the
rest of your book, hearing the rest of your story
and going she didn't have the parenting she needed because
of tragedy and your family, and you had to become
the caregiver, caretaker, a late stage companion. And then you
(27:13):
become successful because you're filling this unfillable hall and you
get power and you get assistance, and you now know
don't have to do for yourself, and that makes you
atrophied in a whole new way. Yeah, it makes you atrophied.
And I remember, you know, I know that feeling of
like you know, when I started Chelsea Lately and I
was thank you, thanks and I remember walking to the
(27:37):
stage one of the first shows and the EP and
my executive producers walking and then there's a guy on
a walkie, the stage manager, who was like, she's walking,
she's walking, And I was like, oh, this is good.
I like this, you know, like everyone's paying attention to me.
Now everyone has to know where I am. I have
to be here at a certain time, I have to
be in hair and makeup. It was like I created
(27:58):
a life where everything was done for me so that
I had finally parents in my mind. Everyone on the
show had to take care of me and so I
could be the boss and the baby at the same time.
And for me, that feeling was like I loved it,
you know. And then eventually, of course I got sick
of it because that's not what I was looking for.
And it's not that I don't like to do what
I do. I do like to do it, but I again,
(28:19):
it was the connection that I was missing. And you know,
the attention, the attention, The attention gets you know where
fast unless you are connecting with other people while that
attention is happening. Yeah, because there's it's real, but it's
also not real. It's their survival is you, because you
know they have to take care of and so you
start to feel like a mama bear and you're like, oh,
(28:40):
and I'm a fixer. I'm a number eight. So that
all lined up. It was all making sense, and you know,
for a few years it was great and it was
wild and wonderful, and then eventually I got bored, because
I will grow bored with anything. When you are injured
like that, everything's a band aid everything, and it's not
that you're trying to fix that, but you're just trying
to ignore it and move on to the other fun stuff,
you know. And I had a lot of fun too,
(29:02):
so I always was like, well, I'm having a great time.
There can't be anything wrong with this behavior. I mean,
look how happy I am. And it was nice to
say all the things that you're kind of thinking about yourself,
but you're scared to tell anyone. You know, You're like, hey,
I do some stuff that I'm kind of questioning. I
need to tell somebody about it, but you can't tell
anyone until we figure it out. And uh so it
(29:26):
was a great sort of awakening moment to learn about
myself and have somebody insult me that was like, I
was paying, you know, tell telling me, not insult me,
but somebody telling me negative things about my personality or
my shortcomings that I was paying. I was like, this
is a great exchange and trade of information. You know,
it's not an opinion, it's a professional So it felt
(29:48):
right and it felt right to share because this is great.
And then I was like, oh, fuck, this is gonna
be like on a my apology tour, Like am I
gonna have to make amends? Like people go to a
A And I was like, you know, because I ended
so many friendships or relationships because people did me wrong
or they did something I found upsetting and I would
just scorch earth. And he said, no, that's your blueprint
(30:09):
for a breakup. That's how you think relationships end, because
that's how the first relationship ended. And now that you
know that, you don't ever have to do it again,
and I never will. But it's not an apology. I mean, listen,
you grow in your change, and you've shared every step
of it with people. And even though you go, I
know you're not belittling your old books or your old work,
(30:32):
but you go, oh, it's just easy. But what you
might not realize is like that gave so many women
keys to their own freedom, you know, and something that
felt easy for you. And talk about what this guy said,
I means you also, while you were scorching Earth, were
illuminating so many female voices. I mean, there are so
(30:55):
many women comics I know from your show, you know,
and that some any people are aware of from your
show You Champion, you produced, you know, and it's you
really have lived by example. So this may be an
apology chore, but people have a lot to be thankful
for for you to be sucking your And I'm sorry
(31:17):
you had to look at my back all night. That's
so terrible. We have to wrap it up. We're almost
out of time, but I wanted to just read something
from my book before I go. All right, These bracelets
are called I Decide bracelets, and the T shirts are outside.
All the proceeds, all the proceeds go to l g
B t Q I a youth. So pick one up,
(31:41):
give it away. It's going to a good cause. And
it's I Decide. Is from a part of the book
that I'm gonna read to you, guys. I didn't know
then that my brother's death was defining me. I didn't
know that I had the ability to say no to
being defined by death. Now I was with a person Dan,
who could help me process what hap be and turn
(32:01):
the parts of me that acted like a nine year
old into a self actualized adult who had come to
a better understanding of what it means to dig deep
and admit that you're in pain, thereby beginning the process
of relinquishing that pain. I was in a place where
my brother dying no longer had to define my existence.
It's part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part,
(32:22):
and it may have helped steer me in a certain direction,
but it is not all of me. I define me.
No event or person does this. I define me. I
decide who I am and how I'm going to behave
and I choose to be better to look more carefully,
to trudge deeper, to think about other people's past, and
not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than
(32:46):
I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings. That is
my growth edge. To know I'm going through something and
not try to keep circling around it hoping to avoid it,
Go through it, sit experiencing and feeling it, not running
to understand that things take time and to be okay
(33:06):
sitting with my pain, not to rush through life, hop
scotching over or around it. No one is fully cooked,
no person is complete. I decide to be better. You
can decide to thank you San Francisco, and thank you
Sarah sober of It. That was a fun show because
my sister and my niece were there. How did that
show differ having comedian on stage with you? It was
(33:28):
so nice actually, because Sarah knows how to command an audience,
so it was nice to be up there with somebody
who felt as comfortable as I did being in front
of that many people. And it felt like she was
going to take You know, when you're on stage with
another person and it's your show, you feel responsible for everybody.
With her up there, I felt like sharing responsibility. She
(33:50):
could keep yes yes, even though it wasn't her responsibility.
It felt like we were sharing responsibilities. And um, I
always you know how I feel about Sarah Silverman. I
respect her a lot. I added new stand up dates.
I added some places I've never been before, but I
added so right now. I start touring again on October
(34:11):
four in Brisbane, Australia, Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland, New Zealand, and
then on November eleven, I come to Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Grand Rapids, Vancouver, Milwaukee, Indianapolis,
Kansas City, Salt Lake City, Go Mormons, Oklahoma City. I've
never performed there, but Karen's from there, and Toronto. I'm coming.
(34:32):
I added more dates. I have fourteen new stand up dates. Everybody,
so come and see me. My book is called Life
Will Be the Death of Me. I'm on my stand
up tour and I have accountable dot Us page for
anybody who wants to be more socially or politically active.
I have lots of things on there that can kind
of lead you in the right way to take action. Okay, branded,
what are you doing this weekend? Whatever you're up to, girl,
(34:53):
one Big circle jerk by Life will Be the Death
than Me as a production of I Heart Radio. For
more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit the I heart
Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the
Death of Me A production of I Heart Radio. Oh,
good afternoon, Hello Brandon. How are you doing? I'm great.
How are you? I'm well? Thank you? What would do
we have any updates? We've had a lot of updates. Actually,
I got some new rugs installed this week. People just
need to check out your Instagram at Chelsea Handler to
(00:20):
keep up with everything going on in your life. Because
there's a lot happening at the house and I'm home.
I've been in l A for a while, and that
I know irks you because you're ready for me to
go away. Luckily, I have a trip coming up this weekend.
Isn't that right? Feel like when you're on the road.
This weekend, I had some friends over for mushroom Friday.
We went swimming in my pool. We ordered food for ourselves,
(00:43):
we ordered Postmates pizza. We were there. I didn't hear
from you for two days, which can be concerning, right,
But I also try and remember no news is good news, right.
But I cleaned up after everybody left, some people late state.
I was in bed by midnight. Everyone came over around
six ish after we had our Bert's scare. We're gonna
have to get that dog tracking collar because he got
(01:04):
one for me to. We were so scared. We lost
Bert and we had workers at my house delivering the rugs.
We couldn't find him. We couldn't find him. We raced
around the neighborhood. My bell was screaming bird, bird, birt
so many times it was overkill. And then finally Brandon
found him wedged between the property gate of our neighbors
(01:25):
and some cement block. Yeah, and and he dislikes me
so much that he wedged himself further through just to escape. Yeah,
to get away from you. And then yeah, so right
into mama's arms. We right, he went right into my
bell's arms. But we screamed and we screamed. And guess
who didn't bark once to let us know that he
was hearing our screams. Burt, because he's an idiot. So
(01:50):
this week's show is Sarah Silverman and Me in San Francisco.
We talked about at Harvard singing Acapella group a little bit.
We talked about stand up and my real zation that
I should probably start doing it again, which I now
am doing it again. And we talk about female comics
because girls aren't funny and that just has to keep
being spoken about. Well, girls are funny now, so everybody
(02:14):
needs to deal with it. I'm going to bring out
one of my very favorite people in the whole wide world,
and I know you're gonna be very, very very happy
to see her, So please show your appreciation as I
welcome my very dear friend, Sarah Silverman. Hi Chelsea, Hi,
(02:44):
Hi Sarah. Thanks y'all. Mm hmm. We've been stoned together
on a number of occasions. The most recent one was
a very odd night we have if. I have a
friend named al and he went to Harvard and there
was an acapella group. What is it the Harvard Singing Group?
(03:05):
Do you remember what they're called. I know that the
Yale Ones are the Whiffin poofs, right, and they're the
Harvard version of that. So it's like basically twenty year
old boys singing. And when he said he was seeing
a bunch of guys that went to Harvard, I was like, oh, Sarah,
we're saying, oh, there's Harvard guys there, and she's like
that sounds awful, and I said, let's brought in our horizons.
It's could be cute, we'll be together, it'll be fine.
(03:28):
And it was at some like store in Beverly Hills
that selled perfume and men's clothing or something. So the
lighting was it was tricky. So I go to our house,
we smoke a joint, We go and meet up with
my friend, and all of a sudden, there's just enough
people to be awkward for us to leave. Yeah, they're
like seventeen people, so we couldn't just be like, let's go.
And then also it was like cocktails at first, and
(03:51):
then all of a sudden the show started and where
we happened to be standing became the front row because
it was like so we there was no escape, No,
it was the front row, and it was bright lights,
so the people who were singing were staring straight at
Sarah and me, probably wondering why are these two girls here.
We felt like child molesters. I was like, we have
(04:12):
to get out of here. And then the singing is beautiful, right,
I mean, if you're like and I like tight harmonies,
I'm a sucker. First a nice tight harmony. And all
of a sudden she's standing next to me and she goes,
I go, what are you doing? Waiting to get underknees.
What are you doing right now? And then and she's like,
we're gonna watch them sing like this, and I'm standing
(04:34):
next to her, so I get on mimies it. Chelsea goes,
but I'm just so, this is what can I explain
to you? When I get high, I love weed, and
I don't necessarily get paranoid. But the one paranoid element
is that when I'm high, I feel convinced that I'm
taking up too much space. And so I felt like
(04:59):
no one could see behind, like no one behind me
could see over my giant presence. So I try to
just make myself very small. And then what I realized
as soon as I got down was that it put
you in a very precarious position to be. So then
you got down, and by this point, my knees hurt
(05:21):
so much. And then I got down. She goes, I
gotta get back home, you know. I just my knees
hurt so much. And then I you know, so we
made a scene by desperately trying to be inconspicuous. Anyway,
that was our most recent outing, and then also how
(05:42):
we met. We've said an interesting story, is it sure? Yeah,
I'm sure. I mean, I'm sure it is. I don't remember. Oh,
I remember at the Haiti fundraiser, right, Yes, I do.
We were both in the industry and the same business
for so many years because you were for a crossed path,
never really and I just assumed you didn't like me,
because I always assume people don't like me, you know,
I just just I go with that and that way,
(06:04):
no one's disappointed, you know, like I remember. And then
we would see each other at functions and I was
too shy. Then finally at this thing, I just made
myself go up to you. Yeah you did. You came
up and you're like, hey, Chelsea, we should be friends.
I said, what, it's crazy. We don't know each other.
(06:26):
That's so weird. Comics always know each other. Yeah. It
was one of those moments where you have this protective guard,
which I definitely had for so many years, where I
was like, I don't need anybody to like me, and
I'm just gonna do my thing and just and you
have this protective thing and then you were successful before
I was. I was in the comedy clubs and I
saw you and you were somebody who was, you know,
a big stop Biddle. So when you said that, it's
just such a great example of to be fucking nicer
(06:48):
to everybody. We should all be reaching out and saying, hey,
do you want to be friends? You know, and as
since then we're great friends. It's just such a good reminder,
especially girls like we need each other, reach out to
each other, show up and be like especially friends that
you don't normally have, you know. As a matter of fact,
then we did a photo shoot together and she said,
(07:11):
she went like this to my bra. She goes, what
is that? I have the same bra, you know, And
then she goes, I wear the same bra, but mine's
not filthy, and um, I said, well, I have one
that's like Caucasian nude and one that's black, and but
the one that's black wasn't naturally black. It's just dirty.
(07:36):
But we wear the exact same kind of like support
bra and were the exact same size boob. And by
the end of that shoot, like somebody just went with
that piece of information. Oh yeah, comes her assistant with
a bag of forty of these and every bra I
(08:01):
were of Now I have several we're given to me
by Chelsea handler. M Chelsea. She tries to hide it.
But she is a caregiver beyond anything else. And you know,
I was trying to when I wrote caregiver and then
(08:21):
I go as a caretaker, the caregiver and caretaker mean
that is it like getting the check? But it's like
a bill. Right, Okay, We're gonna take a quick break
and we'll be right back. I'm deciding whether to like
go a little deeper, go or start. Oh, I'm sorry,
(08:46):
I wasn't asking you. I'm sorry, um, because I loved
your book and I learned so much about you and
that changed the way I think, and I love when
something changes me. And um, I just loved every part
of it, and I think it's so special and can
(09:09):
really not just let people learn your story? I mean
talk about like there isn't anyone you couldn't love once
you've heard their story. You can even love Chelsea Handler
once you've heard this story. But um, one thing that
I thought was interesting is that your brother died on
(09:32):
an adventure and that you are so adventurous. You're the
most adventurous person I know, And I wonder if that
has anything to do with that in some weird way. Yeah, yeah,
that's a great question. Sarah, I know. I'm sorry. It's
not no, it is question. You never thought about that.
You know. I once went skydiving when I was nineteen
(09:52):
years old. I remember I came out to California. I
was like, yeah, this seems like a good place for
me to relocate. And I went skydiving and I had
all these pictures and I had hit them from my
father because we weren't allowed to do stuff. I mean,
we could do whatever we wanted obviously, but he you know,
because of my brother's accident. It was height and it
was you know, and I remember coming home one day
my dad had the pictures scattered all across the kitchen
(10:12):
island of me skydiving, and his face was just like,
you know, like he had been in a fight, and
he was like, how dare you jump out of a
plane after your brother fell off of a cliff. And
I was like, it's time for me to go to
l a like. But you know, the pain was so
raw for all of us. It's almost like we had
(10:33):
to get away from each other in order to heal
because it was so raw and it was so painful
to go home and be ignored over and over again
and be desperate for attention that you had your whole life,
and it totally explains my career and wanting to be
you know, I wanted attention, attention, attention. I thought what
I wanted was a connection. You know, you get confused
(10:54):
and you love the accolades and you love people. I
just wanted somebody to ask me where I had been
all day. Know that takes me. I'm getting to the angiogram.
What you talked about in the book is just being
in motion and not being able to sit still. And
then you took this, did I say right? Any? Yeah?
So it's like this personality test that my doctor gave me.
(11:17):
At first, I was like, is this astrology adjacent? And
he's like no, and he basically came up. There are
all these numbers that describe different personality types, and I'm
a number eight, which is a fixer, which is somebody
who goes in fixes everybody else's problems but never takes
a look at themselves, which is exactly what I do.
You know, I'll fix anybody's problem. I'll sit on your
bed morning, noon and night, and I will have as
(11:38):
much sympathy as you need, and I will be the
best friend and fixer. I'll throw money at any problem,
I'll show up, I'll fly to Germany if I have to.
I will be there for anyone. But as far as
empathy goes, you know I was lacking that. I was
lacking empathy. The difference between sympathy and empathy is feeling
sorry for somebody and actually thinking what it's like to
be that person in that period. And he was like,
(11:59):
you lack empathy, that's why you've had these issues. And
so that was a big aha moment. And the number eight,
which is the number I am an Instagram? Do you
know what number you are? Sarah? No, I don't, but
I just think it's interesting because you share number eight
with who else? Donald Trump and some other really big assholes.
(12:20):
But luckily, through my meditation, because Donald Trump's obviously not
doing that, you can become self actualized. No matter what
number you are. There are people who are not self aware,
who are not present, who are not conscious, which is
what I was doing for ten years. And to be
able to go from that too, looking inward and realizing
everything that you realize is so incredible. But it is
(12:42):
interesting to look at your early life, where you came from,
and how you became this wildly successful kind of like
how Donald Trump became wildly successful, filling an unfillable hole
and constantly staying in motion. And it's you know, he's
never to look inward because I think if he Saul
(13:04):
really looked at himself, he'd probably kill himself. But um,
you just talked about how you didn't have empathy. But
I beg to differ because when your mom was in hospice,
you gave her the greatest gift you could give her,
which was pulling cots in and being with your siblings
(13:28):
and laughing and talking. And you say earlier in your book,
and I'm wondering if you made this connection. And I
guess it's not a question. It's just me pontificating about
how smart I am from reading your book that I
think that is empathy. You gave her her greatest joy,
which you say early in the book, was to be peripheral,
(13:50):
to like what's going on, to not contribute. She didn't
want to talk, but she wanted to just be around
the conversation and the happenings, and you gave her that.
That wasn't a question, but just saying it was a statement.
It's funny because you talk about completely falling out of
love with stand up, but is that really well? By
(14:13):
doing that and taking the time and being on this
tour and going around to these cities, I was like, Okay,
I do want to do stand up again, you know,
so I am going to do it again. And for
years I was like, never again, never again, because I
lost my joy. You know, I just was moving too fast.
You know, there are too many huge moments I missed.
But the answer to your question is yes, I needed
(14:34):
to rediscover my love for stand up and it had
to be my own idea. Yeah, yeah, and uh oh
right saying no, if someone told you ten years ago
that in ten years you'd be promoting a book about
politics and therapy, what would you have told? Though? Listen,
I don't know this bitch. Either anything is possible. I mean,
(14:58):
are you aren't you surprised? Or are you Maybe you're
the opposite of me because we are opposites in so
many ways. Are you surprised by the two changes that
you take in your career and the different things that
you do? I mean, does it feel natural? Is it intentional?
Do you plan on it? Or is it I've never
planned anything, and I never have thought of the future
(15:18):
or like anything. I so I that's how I feel.
I don't like to plan for the future. I just
I'm like, well, let's see which way the wind blows.
You know, maybe I want to do that. I don't plan.
I think it's more there's a different kind of energy
about it. You've got to get hopped up about something
and then you get really passionate about it. Yeah, for
like two days, and then you're like, oh no, I'm
(15:40):
not into that anywhere now. Sometimes I do. Somebody asked
me yesterday, They're like, are you are good? Like we're
having a silent retreat. I'm like, with no fucking silent retreats. Okay,
I'm not there yet. I'm not on the other side
of face. I'm like, I'm still normal. I don't want
to be silent for three days in the woods. We're
not so different, Like I remember it. We all got
awards or certificate for soccer in high school, and um,
(16:02):
everyone got positive things. And then they gave me least
popular on the van. But it was because I made
everyone's life hell when they were like trying to sleep
and everything specific at least popular, I have to say,
I loved it because it was so funny, it was
very creative and very true. You know, it's an interesting thing,
and it's kind of what you brought up just now
(16:25):
asking me. But the one time I had like an
identity crisis with comedy was the first time I had
my first special, because your first special is kind of
like the accumulation of everything you've done so far and
the best of it. And then that did well, and
then I didn't know who I was because I couldn't
do the same material anymore, so to write new material.
(16:47):
But I wanted to please the audience and give them
what they're expecting, which is to be surprised, And then
how can you do that? And then I was so
paralyzed until I realized comedy dies in a second guessing,
and you just have to start over and bomb and
eat ship and lose fans and get new fans hopefully,
and just stay with reflecting who you are, and hopefully
(17:10):
who you are is always changing and growing. So how
have your fans reacted if you felt a difference in
your change and a change in them? Yeah, I mean
I'm sure some people are probably like, oh, folk, she's
got off the defend and some people know. You know,
this was an opportunity to share something good. I've spent
my career over sharing and been rewarded for bad behavior
(17:32):
my entire career. No, honestly, I mean drinking. And I
wrote a book about sleeping around Everyone's like, yeah, this
is great, you know, and I'm glad I did it.
But you know, I didn't realize how easy it had
been for me, how easy my life had been, how
easy it is to be white and pretty and succeed.
And yeah, you can claim you have talent, and anyone
can have talent, and there are plenty of untalented people
(17:53):
who are very famous and plenty of talented people who aren't.
So it's really not about that. Another great thing from
what happened was the election was it made me get
out of my own ass. It made me look around
and say, wait, racism, What is the fucking deal here.
I'm an idiot, I'm a white per I don't know
shit about racism. You know, I'm part of the problem
by not being educated about the problem. You know, I
(18:14):
am complicit unless I, you know, do something, And so
it made me really recalibrate the work I want to
do and the way I want to contribute and to
be aware of everybody that is outside of my lane,
and that other people's experiences are unlike my own, and
to get to know those experiences so we can make
change and we can stick our next out for people
(18:35):
that need us to support them and use our platforms
for powerful ship. Okay, well, this sounds like a good
time to take a break. Who do you look up
to in comedy and and is there anyone in particular
who's made you feel better about getting more personal? I mean,
(18:55):
let's just keep this from getting uncomfortable, not including me.
I never really wanted to be a comedian. I didn't
know that's what I wanted. I didn't, you know, again,
it was about initially, and I know this is what
I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be communicating.
I'm supposed to always just tell the story about what's
going on with me, because what it's going on with me.
(19:17):
You know, I wrote this book. I thought I was
telling my story. You're telling so many people's stories. We're
all all of us. You know. You can't get through
the human experience without having trauma, without having grief, without
having lost It's just a matter of whether or not
you've dealt with it, and a lot of us have
and a lot of us haven't, and some may never
and that's all right too. But it's it's about wanting
to move forward in your life and take leaps and
(19:39):
you know, and be grounded. For me, when people talk
about spirituality, I was always like, oh, you know, stones
and chakras and massages and healing and whatever, um. But
for me, it's about being grounded. It's about being awake
and like, you know, being engaged with every fucking person
you make eye contact with every single day. And and
I had lost my way a little bit with that,
you know. I was just like taking everything for granted
(20:00):
and you know, not looking people in the eye and
being rushed and everything. And so so for that part
to sit still, to get ground and to be like, okay,
this is it. Every interaction is about all of us.
It's not just about me and my fucking paycheck. It's
about us. And that was a wake up call for me.
You know, I think a lot of us feed ourselves
(20:21):
and our families, and we want to take care of
our kids. Who wouldn't you want to take care of
your family and you want to take care of yourself,
and we lose our way with that because we're supposed
to all be taking care of each other, and we
now know it's a big fucking problem. So you know,
the world's getting browner and gayer. So you just gotta
hop on the fucking bus. Oh ship. Um so the
(20:50):
world around you when Me Too happened and everything, how
did that affect you? What? What kind of awareness did
you have that that was a reality in the world. None.
I had no awareness. I did not know that. I mean,
I knew people we were sexually assaulted, but I had
never been sexually assaulted. My friend Mary claims that I have,
and I haven't remembered, but I don't recall that. She's
(21:12):
like everyone's been Chelsea. She's like, of course you've been raped.
You were just probably drunk. I'm like, I don't think
I was raped, and then I'm like, okay, but um,
I was really alarmed. I did not know that it
was that rampant. I thought Harvey Weinstein slept with actresses.
I didn't know that he was raping actresses. You know,
what did you think? Were you surprised? Uh? No, not really. Yeah,
(21:38):
the first penis I ever saw I mean I had.
You know, it's funny because the first penis I ever
saw was my boss when I was a waitress in
New Hampshire called me in and and I was so nervous.
I thought I was in trouble. And then he was
just like you having a good time here, you know,
just asking like dumb questions. And I'm eighteen and I
(22:01):
had never, you know, seen a penis at that point,
except for like my dad's when I was three by accident.
But um, Adam Carolla has an excellent observation that everyone
thinks they're dead has a huge penis because they always
see it when they're three by accident. But um, so true.
That's about the right age you do see when you're three.
(22:22):
I saw it again at six, and then that was
the last. But so this guy was just asking me
like these just nothing questions, and I didn't understand why.
And then I looked and he was openly like jerking off,
and then you know, I just went, I have to
clean the popcorn machine. And I I was choked up,
(22:43):
and I was embarrassed, and I didn't tell my parents,
and you know, I didn't grow up like we grew
up with no taboos. We talked about everything, and it's
so if that happened to me and I never told
anyone in and like internalized, didn't kind of blame myself.
Then I just thought, well, this must happen all the time,
And you know, it wasn't until I was much older
than I was like, wow, you know, I wish those
(23:06):
guys don't do that to us. Now they know their prey.
They have an instinct of probably not consciously of like
who they can do that too. That won't say anything.
You know, if he did it to me now, or
even like four years later, I would have been like,
oh my god, Bobby just showed me as Penis, you know,
like just like started jerking out, you know what I mean.
(23:28):
I would have exposed it. But there's it is interesting
that they have a sixth sense, a sixth sixth six,
just like a sixth toe, they have a sixth sense.
I guess it was another instance of me not being
aware of the other stories that were going you know
what I mean. It's another kind of rarefied existence where
(23:50):
I didn't fully grasp what was happening. I'm so disgusted,
you know, and alarmed by it, and I'm and also
embarrassed for myself for not knowing more are not being
more educated, not knowing what that women are dealing without
on a regular basis, And how rampant it was. Well,
when you started doing stand up, I'm sorry, did you
want to clap? Let me just stop that? All right?
(24:15):
How about um? The word problem I love you. The
word problematic comedy is not evergreen. So I know I
have stuff in my life. Do you have stuff that
you've done that you would look at now and say
that's problematic? And how would you deal with that? How
(24:37):
do you? I think now we are in a period
of high red alert and overcorrection. But it's necessary because
people abuse their power and there's no evolution. We can
all change our jokes. They're still funny, shit happening. It's
not like the only funny stuff is to make fun
of people who are in marginalized communities. There's other funny
(24:59):
ship going on, and we can make fun of rich
white guys. Now, let's get that party started. And isn't
funny How horrified they are, how it's like, oh god,
you can't even be a white male. I was like, no,
you can't. It's just have a sense of you. You know,
it's so it's just so odd. Well, they say that
I read somewhere that was like equality feels like quality
(25:22):
feels like a loss because it feels like something is
being taken away from you. So people, white guys, old
white guys are like, whoa, whoa, the party's over. It's like, like,
I can't fail upward anymore. What the fuck? Yeah, I
can't just grab Pussey's when I need them. It's like, no, no,
that party is over. You find a new party, even
(25:45):
just like in the comedy world, you know, I think there.
First of all, I just want to say I have
a lot of white male friends, and I like white males,
but there are some you know, writers and stuff who
are like, I can't even get a job anymore, And no,
yes you can. You might have to be undeniable like
the rest of us have had to be to succeed,
you know. And that's a good thing. I think that
(26:05):
uhould be thrilled about that. But it's hard for them.
This divide and conquer thing that the man has put
on us and that we've believed for so many it's
ingrained in us. It's systemic, you know that, like the
success of one woman must come at the failure of another.
It's just it's it's not true, you know. But when
(26:26):
we bond together, we're gonna do something the man's fears
very much will be a force, you know. And that's
I think you lead the way with that. You start
your book talking about infantilizing yourself, that your success has
made you into an infant where you have several had
(26:47):
made you into an infant where you of all these assistance,
you don't know how to work as fucking single thing
in your house. And it's interesting too now reading the
rest of your book, hearing the rest of your story
and going she didn't have the parenting she needed because
of tragedy and your family, and you had to become
the caregiver, caretaker, a late stage companion. And then you
(27:13):
become successful because you're filling this unfillable hall and you
get power and you get assistance, and you now know
don't have to do for yourself, and that makes you
atrophied in a whole new way. Yeah, it makes you atrophied.
And I remember, you know, I know that feeling of
like you know, when I started Chelsea Lately and I
was thank you, thanks and I remember walking to the
(27:37):
stage one of the first shows and the EP and
my executive producers walking and then there's a guy on
a walkie, the stage manager, who was like, she's walking,
she's walking, And I was like, oh, this is good.
I like this, you know, like everyone's paying attention to me.
Now everyone has to know where I am. I have
to be here at a certain time, I have to
be in hair and makeup. It was like I created
(27:58):
a life where everything was done for me so that
I had finally parents in my mind. Everyone on the
show had to take care of me and so I
could be the boss and the baby at the same time.
And for me, that feeling was like I loved it,
you know. And then eventually, of course I got sick
of it because that's not what I was looking for.
And it's not that I don't like to do what
I do. I do like to do it, but I again,
(28:19):
it was the connection that I was missing. And you know,
the attention, the attention, The attention gets you know where
fast unless you are connecting with other people while that
attention is happening. Yeah, because there's it's real, but it's
also not real. It's their survival is you, because you
know they have to take care of and so you
start to feel like a mama bear and you're like, oh,
(28:40):
and I'm a fixer. I'm a number eight. So that
all lined up. It was all making sense, and you know,
for a few years it was great and it was
wild and wonderful, and then eventually I got bored, because
I will grow bored with anything. When you are injured
like that, everything's a band aid everything, and it's not
that you're trying to fix that, but you're just trying
to ignore it and move on to the other fun stuff,
you know. And I had a lot of fun too,
(29:02):
so I always was like, well, I'm having a great time.
There can't be anything wrong with this behavior. I mean,
look how happy I am. And it was nice to
say all the things that you're kind of thinking about yourself,
but you're scared to tell anyone. You know, You're like, hey,
I do some stuff that I'm kind of questioning. I
need to tell somebody about it, but you can't tell
anyone until we figure it out. And uh so it
(29:26):
was a great sort of awakening moment to learn about
myself and have somebody insult me that was like, I
was paying, you know, tell telling me, not insult me,
but somebody telling me negative things about my personality or
my shortcomings that I was paying. I was like, this
is a great exchange and trade of information. You know,
it's not an opinion, it's a professional So it felt
(29:48):
right and it felt right to share because this is great.
And then I was like, oh, fuck, this is gonna
be like on a my apology tour, Like am I
gonna have to make amends? Like people go to a
A And I was like, you know, because I ended
so many friendships or relationships because people did me wrong
or they did something I found upsetting and I would
just scorch earth. And he said, no, that's your blueprint
(30:09):
for a breakup. That's how you think relationships end, because
that's how the first relationship ended. And now that you
know that, you don't ever have to do it again,
and I never will. But it's not an apology. I mean, listen,
you grow in your change, and you've shared every step
of it with people. And even though you go, I
know you're not belittling your old books or your old work,
(30:32):
but you go, oh, it's just easy. But what you
might not realize is like that gave so many women
keys to their own freedom, you know, and something that
felt easy for you. And talk about what this guy said,
I means you also, while you were scorching Earth, were
illuminating so many female voices. I mean, there are so
(30:55):
many women comics I know from your show, you know,
and that some any people are aware of from your
show You Champion, you produced, you know, and it's you
really have lived by example. So this may be an
apology chore, but people have a lot to be thankful
for for you to be sucking your And I'm sorry
(31:17):
you had to look at my back all night. That's
so terrible. We have to wrap it up. We're almost
out of time, but I wanted to just read something
from my book before I go. All right, These bracelets
are called I Decide bracelets, and the T shirts are outside.
All the proceeds, all the proceeds go to l g
B t Q I a youth. So pick one up,
(31:41):
give it away. It's going to a good cause. And
it's I Decide. Is from a part of the book
that I'm gonna read to you, guys. I didn't know
then that my brother's death was defining me. I didn't
know that I had the ability to say no to
being defined by death. Now I was with a person Dan,
who could help me process what hap be and turn
(32:01):
the parts of me that acted like a nine year
old into a self actualized adult who had come to
a better understanding of what it means to dig deep
and admit that you're in pain, thereby beginning the process
of relinquishing that pain. I was in a place where
my brother dying no longer had to define my existence.
It's part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part,
(32:22):
and it may have helped steer me in a certain direction,
but it is not all of me. I define me.
No event or person does this. I define me. I
decide who I am and how I'm going to behave
and I choose to be better to look more carefully,
to trudge deeper, to think about other people's past, and
not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than
(32:46):
I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings. That is
my growth edge. To know I'm going through something and
not try to keep circling around it hoping to avoid it,
Go through it, sit experiencing and feeling it, not running
to understand that things take time and to be okay
(33:06):
sitting with my pain, not to rush through life, hop
scotching over or around it. No one is fully cooked,
no person is complete. I decide to be better. You
can decide to thank you San Francisco, and thank you
Sarah sober of It. That was a fun show because
my sister and my niece were there. How did that
show differ having comedian on stage with you? It was
(33:28):
so nice actually, because Sarah knows how to command an audience,
so it was nice to be up there with somebody
who felt as comfortable as I did being in front
of that many people. And it felt like she was
going to take You know, when you're on stage with
another person and it's your show, you feel responsible for everybody.
With her up there, I felt like sharing responsibility. She
(33:50):
could keep yes yes, even though it wasn't her responsibility.
It felt like we were sharing responsibilities. And um, I
always you know how I feel about Sarah Silverman. I
respect her a lot. I added new stand up dates.
I added some places I've never been before, but I
added so right now. I start touring again on October
(34:11):
four in Brisbane, Australia, Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland, New Zealand, and
then on November eleven, I come to Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Grand Rapids, Vancouver, Milwaukee, Indianapolis,
Kansas City, Salt Lake City, Go Mormons, Oklahoma City. I've
never performed there, but Karen's from there, and Toronto. I'm coming.
(34:32):
I added more dates. I have fourteen new stand up dates. Everybody,
so come and see me. My book is called Life
Will Be the Death of Me. I'm on my stand
up tour and I have accountable dot Us page for
anybody who wants to be more socially or politically active.
I have lots of things on there that can kind
of lead you in the right way to take action. Okay, branded,
what are you doing this weekend? Whatever you're up to, girl,
(34:53):
one Big circle jerk by Life will Be the Death
than Me as a production of I Heart Radio. For
more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit the I heart
Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
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