Lesbian Power Couple with Sean Hayes

Chelsea is joined live in Chicago by Sean Hayes where they exchange hilarious stories about how they met, struggles with technology, being the youngest sibling and more.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the
Death of Me, a production of I Heart Radio. Welcome
to our podcast this week, Brandon. Hello. Uh So, this
week's episode is of our shows in Chicago. Had two
shows in Chicago with Shawn Hey, so we split it,
I think, into two episodes, right yeah, spek the next week. Okay,

(00:22):
So this week's episode, I do a reading which will
play for you next week of one of my chapters.
And Sean comes out and immediately starts attacking me for that,
So you can listen to that. Right now, I'm going
to bring out a very special guest, a native of Chicago.

(00:42):
He's been on the show Will and Grace for sixty
seven years and his name is Sean Hayes. Come on out, Hi, everybody,

(01:12):
how are you? Thank you? Happen all? Remember when Oprah
would come out you take a seat, Pixie? That was
so condescending, wasn't it to her audience? ChIL You only
literally only have ten pages left in the book. Nobody
has to buy it. What a fucking asshole, Sean and

(01:38):
I I wanted at first, before you start with whatever
questions you haven't prepared, I want to talk about believe me.
I just learned how to read. But I did an
episode of Will and Grace with Sean Uma see Take
a Seat where I played a lesbian power couple with
my best friend Mary typecasting. I am, I would be

(02:03):
a great lesbian. What do you mean? Would I would?
I can't, but I would. If I were to do that,
I would kill it. I'm sure I've done it until
it was my turn, and then I quite no. Thanks,
not into going down on your beaver, not into it,

(02:24):
and that is why I'm gay. Ah. Anyway, we met
on Will and Grace and listen, but we met before that.
But but I don't remember that we met on a
game show, right, didn't we do some charity games before that? Something? Yeah,

(02:46):
quite an impression. I remember saying. I remember saying something
to you the first time I met you, and I
was like, oh, hey, something about being gay. And You're like,
I'm not gay, and I was like, oh, yeah you are.
When did I say that? You said I'm not are?
You were being funny but I didn't know that, and
I was like, you're not. You go I'm not out,
and I go, yeah you are? Oh that was were

(03:06):
not out? Yes, I was totally out, but I was
not out. That's a different interview. It's very boring story.
All right, Happy, you want to minimize your gayness, you
go ahead and do that. Well, one of us has to,
so Sean. I met him on the on Will and Grace,

(03:28):
which is a like a television show. It's a television show.
A lot of you won't know about it. But it
was here for a while, then it went away, and
then it came back and it's still here. Yea, and
thank you, and I had but you were so stupid,

(03:51):
it's so dumb. Wait, you were so good on the show,
and she didn't want me to come out and say
how great you are. You were still great, and you
were really scared, and you were nervous, nervous as fun.
And I don't get nervous, because I mean I do,
but I I like to make up my own words,
not a script. So when I got the script, I'm like, oh,
this is a guidelining. Yeah. I was like, oh this
is a guideline. I'll paraphrase this, and they're like, no,

(04:13):
you need to say the line. I'm like, I don't
know it, and they're like, fucking learn it. I was,
and I was like, oh, I hadn't been talked to
like that in a long time, so I was like oh.
And then I'm in my room like memorizing my lines.
It was simple lines like no, and I'd be in
the mirror going no, and Mary's like no, not like that,
like no, but you've acted a billion times before that.

(04:35):
I don't know. It's just too much of a well
oiled machine. You guys were so in gear and I
was out of my element. And Mary is a professional.
I like to wing ship and that usually works for me.
I like improv and like you know, and that was
not the right space for me because everyone is so
tight and and they know what they're doing that I
stuck out like a sore thumb. And I hope I
never see any of those people again. Yeah, I lovely,

(04:57):
hope you come back on. We're good. We're good, We
got it. I said to him. I go how badly
at my embarrassing And once we did the taping, I
was fined by the end of the week because I
had to be um. But the rehearsals all week long,
We're just getting at myself and I was like, Oh,
you suck. You can't even while you were getting huge laughs.
The audience just shut up. You know you were talking

(05:18):
about me too, I know right now, Well it was
a fun show. You're hilarious. But whatever, let's stop rubbing
each other's assholes. I bought my phone on here just
in case I get a phone call. Um, so the
um can I have my phone too? Then I want?

(05:38):
I also told Karen Karen her assistant, Karen Karen's the
tour manager. Well, she looks like an assistant. She meant.
I meant that. I meant the pay grade is higher.
She looks like an assistant, is what I meant to say. Um,
but um right, Karen, just keep talking to it. Waves
to her. Now, Yes, I said you got to read

(06:04):
this book. We're gonna do this in Chicago. He's nice
enough to say he's gonna come, and we have two shows.
He was nice enough to say, yea, No, that's not
how this went down. You've said to me, I haven't
a Marco Polo? Should I play it? Don't get your
phone out? So um Chelsea says to me, um, hey,
this because this is how she asks somebody to do something. Hey,

(06:28):
I'm going to Chicago to do the thing. You're cool
with going right, you're cool to come because I just
I need you to come and do this, and I
and I and so so I go, yeah, I mean,
I don't know, I flying to I have to go
to New York. I have to do this and really
a fly Chicago, like I don't love to travel. But
all my friends who are here tonight, both of you clap, yeah,

(06:52):
there they are there they are. They're actually the ushers here. Um.
But anyway, rock a duck a duck, A duck a duck.
So it would be great if you're two friends from
my school. We're both ushers here, Like I keep a
touch with two people and they both happen to work
at the same theater. It's so weird. But anyway, she's like,

(07:13):
you're going, and I was like, okay, fine, i'll go.
Are you paying for the trip? She said yes, I
go fine, I'm totally going. And then she said, um,
but you have to read the book. And I'm like,
I can't read. He goes, I can't read. I can't read.
I have to read your book. And let me tell
you something, it is probably the best book I've ever read.
Out of the three I mean, there's The Lion, the

(07:38):
witch in the wardrobe, the given tread and and what
is it called life will be the death of Me?
And let me tell you it is. I'm not. I'm
I'm not. I'm being totally serious that I'm not fucking

(08:01):
did I not? Marco pulled you after every chapter and
I'm like, oh my god, this is amazing. We're the
exact same person. This is there's so many similarities. The
first thing that you read in there that you thought
were the same person, well, I saw the word vodka
in there. Wait, I want to say something. I want

(08:21):
to get back to that, but I have to tell
this funny Will and Grace story really quick. No, I
want you to, okay, because it makes me laughing. I
think it'll make you laugh because she does edibles and
I used to smoke pot a lot and um and
so I'm gonna get you back on the pot. I'm
gonna get everybody's like pushing pot on me. I can't.

(08:42):
It makes me crazy. It makes me crazy. Now. Um So, anyway,
after we tape uh an episode. This is like when
we first did the show, I would go back to
Max much Nick's house, who was the creator of the show,
and we would I think he's okay with me, saying
we spoke a little bit and we discussed the evening,
like the taping of the show. We just taped and

(09:03):
it was fun and we'd laugh, and he just moved
in this brand new house and it was unbelievable, was
like super high tech, and uh, I was stoned out
of my mind. And I'm sitting in the back of
his like crazy Hollywood theater in his house, you know
how the people have those huge theaters, and it was
all brand new equipment, and he's like, let's oh, and
he goes. You remember that scene and Castaway where the

(09:25):
planes going down and Tom Hanks is in the bathroom
and he gets whipped out and it's crazy and they're
going down. I'm like, yeah, he goes, let's put that in.
Let's just fast forward to that scene. It's incredible, right,
And I'm like, yes, let's watch that. And so he
goes to his big, huge, fucking you know, TV screen
and he has the Castaway thing and he can't figure
out how to do it because his brand new house,

(09:46):
it's brand new equipment. And I'm way in the back
of the theater like this stone onto my mind and
I go is that a Sony and he goes, yeah,
how did you? I go, those are the new ones
their voice activated. And he's like what, And I go,
is that a Sony? He goes yeah, I go, those
are the new ones. I read all about them, their

(10:07):
voice activator. You have to say the name of the
movie after you put the DVD in. And he's like
and he's like, what the are you talking about? I go,
listen to me. I just read all about you have
to say the name. And then he's like this really,
I go yes. So he puts the DV in and
he goes cast away, cast away like that, and I

(10:40):
couldn't even breathe. I was laughing so hard. Okay, so
let's get back to the buck. So, um tell me.
I'm just gonna ask you a question. Okay, okay, were there? Yeah,

(11:01):
Well you said the first thing, Well that that I
realized we we were the same. You know that we
both have there's five children and our family bilies. You
you need attention, I need attention. You felt like and
like an outsider your whole life as a kid. You
write about that in the book That and what made

(11:22):
you feel that way as a kid? What what were
the circumstances that made you feel even though you were
in a household with two parents and you talk about
them a lot, saying how they weren't really present or
with you, yet you felt but see, I didn't have
a dad and my mom worked all the time, so
my mom raised five kids better? Or was your present

(11:43):
when she was with you? Guys? Yeah? Well, to to me,
she was. She was the best mom ever. She was
very loving and supportive and everything until I came out no,
and then she was great. She did like a one.
Uh but uh, I was like great, now I don't
have a mom or dad, and then I would just
cry and leave, like but so but you now, So

(12:03):
tell me what made you feel that way, because I
don't know that I would have felt that way even
with two parents, but you had the parents, and yet
you still felt the same as me. I felt like
an outsider because my family was just not traditional and
my dad was just a mess. He was a used
car dealer. So there was just ship at my like
our family, like it looked like Sandford and Son our house,
and we lived in this kind of like upper middle

(12:24):
class Jewish neighborhood. So everybody else's parents were like normal,
and then had to your mom was Jewish and your
dad my mom was Mormon. Who I thought she was
Jewish until I was ten and then I was revealed
to me that she was Mormon. I'm like, oh, this
is great news. I was like, what's Mormon? And then
they told me. I'm like, oh no, And I was like,

(12:46):
I'll take the drado, thank you very much, you know,
like Mormon scientology. It's like I felt like, yeah, definitely adjacent. Uh.
I just felt like I think everyone feels out of play.
So I mean, I think most people feel like they
don't belong. Like you fit in sometimes in your life
and other times you feel like an outsider, like a faker,

(13:06):
like you're not real, Like people like you for the
wrong reasons or they don't get you. You know, you're
always kind of dipping in and out of your the
right zone in life, you know what I mean. Your
trains on the track sometimes and everything's vibing, and then
sometimes it's off. And in my family it was off
when I was born, Like I slept with my brother.
My mom let me sleep on when I was a

(13:27):
two day old baby, and she's like, oh. She always
would tell the story of how my oldest brother Chet,
how he slept with me on the first night I
was home from the hospital, and I was like, but
why why did you let a twelve year old sleep
with me? And she's like, that's not the point of
the story, sweetie. I'm like, I think it's the biggest
point of the story. Um. And then Dan, your therapist, said,

(13:48):
that was the first guy to break up with you
at nine years old, And then you associated relationships with
men being broken up with I associated all relationships, I
said to Dan once, I said, why do I end
relationships on a dime? I have a pattern where I
people do some one thing and I'm like, you're out,

(14:08):
get out of my life. I can't trust you, You're
a liar, You're you know, cheater or whatever. And not
just with men, with girlfriends, with anyone. It was black
and white, and I asked him, I go, there's a
common denominator here, and I'm pretty sure it's me. Like
I have a ton of friends all the time, but
not a ton of old friends. You know, I have some,
but a lot of people go in and out of

(14:29):
my life and I'm done with them. I'm annoyed, or
I lose interest or whatever. But I'd like, it's scorched earth.
And he said, because that's your first blueprint for breaking
up with somebody. It's here today and gone tomorrow. And
then your dad passed away and you're like, there's another
guy who betrayed me. Well, he just passed away last year.
But we were waiting that for that for a while. No,
that was all right because he was too old. And

(14:51):
when I started, when I was writing this book, I
said to my therapist, I'm like my brothers, I'm like,
everyone's every My brother died, my mother died, my dad's
fully going to die this year, and like it's too
much dat. We had we had dinner in October November,
like literally a week or two weeks right after your
dad died. And she's like, I don't know, do you guys?
You know what the specials ocean by the way, my

(15:11):
dad died. Um, I'll have the broccoli soup and like
and I was like, wait, broccoli soup. I mean, what
do I want to explode? Thank you? First of all,
whoever who made up broccoli soup, take it back. It's
like the mcribb, but like, no, thank you, I'll take
two mac ribs in my brobot. What is the food

(15:35):
we ordered? We ordered Portilla. She's never had portillo's. See you, idiot,
this is good. I've always wondered this too. Have you
ever had difficulty separating your public from your private self? Friendships? Uh? Friendships?
What do you mean? I'm going to read it again.

(16:00):
Have you ever had difficulties separating your public from your
private self in your friendships? Moving on? I think those
two things are really intertwined for me. I mean, my
public persona is my real persona, Like, that's who I am.
I don't put on a show. That's why I'm you know,
I don't. I try not to. I try not to

(16:21):
lie about anything. I mean, that's more advantageous for me
because I don't want to get caught in a lie.
You know. I don't want the press to come out
and be like, oh, Chelsea was ship faced. I'm like,
I'm ship faced. I want to tell everyone I'm ship faced,
So don't try and catch me. Okay, I gotta get
ahead of it. You know what, I remember seeing you
unlike TMZ and like E and stuff like that, when

(16:44):
you would be out just like fucking telling it like
it is and like how are you different now than
you were? Then? Well? What I you know? Again? Learning
all this stuff through this therapist was about, you know,
my big, bloud personality, in this brashness that I had,
because a lot of people say they've had awakenings and
they don't do anything about it. So I love that.

(17:05):
In the in the thing, you're like page one seventy two.
Memorize the page number because it was so national National
Autism Awareness months. So good for you. Yeah, me and
uh me and Mary lou Henna are having a drink
after this. And she the one who knows like dates
and times and all that we do. Yeah, yeah, she's

(17:25):
like an astrologist or something. Right, No, no she's not. No, no,
Mary astrologist, you know she is. Okay, we're gonna take
a quick break and we'll be right back. So you say,
the question is why am I so impatient as an adult?

(17:46):
Chelsea Handler says to her therapist. Okay, Dan says, give
me an example. It's only one page, give me, it's
not eight seven pages. Like, Okay, give me an example
of something that happens frequently. He asked you. You said,
when I can't turn on the TV in my house,
so I can't get the music on. That's something that
happens all the time. And then I have to call
one of my assistants, right, And then, uh, what does

(18:07):
it feel like? He says when you can't work your
music right? Because I get annoyed and you're irritated, an
impatient with technologynology. So you say it made me feel
annoyed and he says, what's underneath that? You said more annoyance?
He says, but what's the emotion under it? And you said,
I don't know, anger? And he says, what does that
feel like? And you said, can't you just tell me?

(18:27):
And you see, I read that right, and then he said, uh,
keep going. Are there any images that elicit the feeling?
And she's like, I don't know musical notes? And he says,
is there a feeling? And you said frustration? And he
said because why? He said, because my intention was to
listen to music and now I can't. And he says
anything else and you're like stupid, useless. He says helpless

(18:52):
and you said yes, and he says what does that
feel like? And you said sad? And he said, sit
with that and you said helpless and sad. I agree
but then where does that anger come in? Fucking genius?
He says, sad is your internal reaction which turns to anger,
because anger sets you in kinetic motion, like we're talking
about to avoid the sadness of sitting there and not

(19:14):
listening to music and knowing your plans have been thwarted.
Your anger is your way to avoid sadness. I love that.
I need to go to therapy because and then the
whole lesson from that in the book which I read, Um,
you're a beautiful reader, by the way, that was your reader.

(19:37):
Look at you, I learned. I learned backstage the no,
what's cool about that is? You said? After that, and
then he introduces the I am identification awareness modification, So like,
I have a real problem with patients. I know you
do too, and he wanted me to give examples. That
was one example. Another example of my impatience is like

(19:58):
if I go to an airport, you know those stores,
the bookstores that have the magazines and candy. The slowness
of that transaction, by the way, I just that Scottie.
I just told Scotty the story and the airport on
the way here, I'm like, the people are never there
and then I'm like I usually I just grab whatever

(20:20):
book I'm looking for and I just get take twenty
or thirty bucks and throw it in front of the
security camera and just wave it around and go, I'm
gonna be in the airport if this isn't enough money.
And then I put it on the counter and I
walk out because I cannot deal with the slowness and
waiting in line like these people at the airports. And

(20:41):
I was telling Dan like he was gonna be with me,
like commiserating, like yeah, I don't I get it, and
he was just like what And I was like, I
just can't deal with it. It's too slow. I just
want the book and I want to go. And he's like, yeah,
everybody wants what they want and they want to go.
And I'm like, go, is that is that privilege? Is
that being white? He's like, no, white people aren't doing
that either. I was like, good to know, and then

(21:08):
it's like, you know, like in a hotel, but but
impatience about things that are so it's so unempathetic to
be like that, like to not cons you know, who
knows what these people are are dealing with or why
they're slow or why they're you know, why why they're
in the back for a half hour while you're waiting
to buy a magazine. I was in d C a
few weekends ago on this tour and the fire alarm.

(21:30):
I'm so I was in my room. I had taken
an outible. I was just like just really jam and
out by myself, reading my Instagram d m s people's responses.
I was trying to respond, but I was very stone
and and I had the steamer going and just forgot
about it. Sounds like a party, it's an after party

(21:53):
on Like, I'm gonna turn my steamer on and get
loose the steamers for the broccoli soup. So I went
and I heard the alarm go off. I was like, oh.
And I texted Karen because we were in the same
hotel obviously, and I texted her. I was like, if
there's a fire, job not doing it. I just thought
of a jingle really fast, the Regina Steamer carpet cleaner,

(22:17):
so stupid. And so I realized after like ten more
minutes that she's like, I don't hear an alarm. I'm like, well,
there's one going off. Hopefully they'll fix it. And then
I realized it's in my room going off, and I'm like, osh, fuck,
I'm like, you are dumb. And then I looked at
the alarm and I'm like, I've learned, patients. I've learned
to take a breath. I've learned to not react, to

(22:39):
take a minute. That was something I didn't know you
could do. I heard about it, but I heard about
people saying write an email back, don't send it until
the next day. And I'm like, all right, you know,
like that's fun for you. I've never done that. I'm reactive.
I'm like, you, fuck you. I don't like this. I
don't let other like problems settle or the idea that

(22:59):
you right and letary yourself and in the morning you
might not even want to send it. I'm like, that's
never gonna happen. But do you do that now? Because
I do? I do that. I didn't. Actually, I'm I'm
somewhere in between your extremes and and doing that. I
do that. Like if I have to write a really
angry or I feel angry somebody, I always write the
email out first and I don't send. Yeah, that's what

(23:21):
you should do, and usually I had never tried it,
so what I learned was that usually the next day
you really don't want to send it. You don't, you
don't care half the time anymore. The next day, But
to the fire alarm I went, and I was like,
here's an opportunity to not be a baby. Like usually
if a fire alarm ever went off at a hotel,
I would just walk out the door and check into
another hotel, like I don't want to deal with that.

(23:43):
I don't want to deal with a line of people out.
I just be like funk. I would even leave my
clothes and just be like, let's get new stuff. I don't.
I mean, I've been on vacation and seeing my suitcase
ready to pack, and I'd be like, let's just leave it.
I can't deal, Like, let me just get new things,
travel overseas and send your luggage before you. Yeah. Always
always fed X until they gave money to Trump, and

(24:05):
then I stopped using that, and then I started using
ups and they don't get ship anywhere on time, So
now I use fed X again. That was a commitment.
If you've seen Castaway, sometimes fed X doesn't get there.
So anyway, it was a moment I was like, oh,
the fire alarms going off like, you're capable of doing this.

(24:26):
You've dealt with this before at some point before you
had domestic amnesia. You were able to do simple tasks
like this. So I got a chair out and I
went up and I undid it. I took the battery
out and I looked at the battery and the alarm
went off, and I was like, look at you, girl,
And then I looked at the battery. I looked at
the minus and the positive. I was like, how do
you know this? Like it was one of those moments

(24:46):
where I was like, so you know how to do ship.
You're just a baby, and you've had so many people
working for you for so long, and I lost touch
with like reality, and I was spoiled and I was
so icked out by myself. You know. It came to
a crescendo where I was so spoiled and I was
saying yes to things because of paychecks rather than being
thoughtful about what I wanted to put out into the world.

(25:07):
And you know how that goes. You get successful and
people are like into you and love you, and you're like,
oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want more. I want more.
And I sat in that hotel and I'm like, this
is everything you've been working on. Just be a regular person,
be down to earth, and like, don't be you know,
a baby. And so I got up, I put this
thing back on and I got off the chair and
I was about to text my sister like I just

(25:29):
turned off a fire alarm, and I was like, don't
send that text, you asshole. Just keep it here. Not
everything is for everybody all the time. You're not a performance.
Just be with yourself. That's really great. Yeah, are you
crying inside? I am, Um, And I heard every other

(25:51):
word you just said. I'm kidding. That was really great.
Um My, it was great. My friend Maria Shriver and
I've told you this before. She how did you become
friends with Maria Schreiber. No, she's fantastic, as you know
you met her. She's a real mama there. She's the
best and super smart and she always says to your
point for the last twenty minutes, she said. She she said, um,

(26:18):
you know a lot of people tweet and instagram and
voice their own opinion that they're angry, angry opinions on
Facebook or whatever it is, and they go crazy and
they yell and scream, and she always says I totally
agree with you. What are you doing about it? And
it shuts people down because people use their voices all

(26:40):
the time and they should and we should, we should
speak our minds and everything. But there's not enough people
putting that into action. Right. So, if I feel right,
if I feel if if I feel so so fucking
pissed about a certain you know, the issue that Trump
is not supporting or supporting in a wrong way or whatever,
you know, and I feel that strongly about it, I

(27:02):
could bitch about it, but there's plenty of people bitching
about everything. So what are we doing about it? Right?
And yes, we can vote, but beyond voting, there has
to be things we can do in little junks that
will add up. And I think people are people are Yeah.
I think people are really actually realizing that they have
to do something because otherwise, you know, everything is at risk.

(27:22):
I mean, if you have a daughter or you I
mean whatever, whatever reasons. I think people have been galvanized
in a way that is really inspiring. I mean, I've
become friends with people I would never talk to you
before the election, because we're like a coalition, you know.
I've met women and and it made me open my
eyes and realize how privileged my whole life has been.
You know, I don't know what it's like to be
a person of color. I have no idea what that's like.

(27:44):
And how often was I thinking about what it's like
to be a person of color? Not often enough? How
often was I thinking about what it's like to be
a gay person and to be scared violence, to be
scared and I get pulled over by a police officer
and be have it be a life or death situation.
We need to always be fucking thinking about that, and
we need to be mobilized in helping communities that need us,

(28:05):
you know, and not not because white people are going
to fix the problem. But I don't think it's That's
not what I'm saying. I'm saying that people who have platforms,
I feel a sense of responsibility to look outside of
my own asshole and look around at other people's stories
and say, how can I be a better advocate? How
can I know more? How can I be a good ally?

(28:26):
Because I'm not fighting for my rights, I want to
vote for other people's rights. I got enough, you know
in this life. It's full right, right, right right? That's
so great? Have um here's a funny story. So, um,
we'll see about that. So you mentioned an alarm a
while ago, an alarm, the fire alarm? Right, good, good, good,

(28:48):
recall so much, thank you? So uh, Scottie and I
is a funny story, just because we're going to balance
this conversation. Sure, balance it. Yeah, I know you don't
like to get too serious. I've seen it. No, no, no,
go yuck it up. No, let's move on. Let's no no, no, no,
don't like that. Tell the story now. So we So,

(29:10):
Scotty and I. I don't know if you even know
that's that funny, but um, so, Scotty and my husband
we were watching the movie Gone Girl, Gone Girl, right,
Gone Girl with Ben Affleck and some woman Rosamond Pike.
Is that really who it is? That's her name? Okay,

(29:35):
that's true? Yeah, okay, you think I can make up
a name like that, Rosamond Pike. I mean, I can't
believe I even remembered it that she really stuck with you.
I'm obviously a huge fan. So we're watching the movie
and it's like, I don't know, eleven thirty twelve o'clock
and it's not that scary of a movie. But it's

(29:56):
kind of like a thriller. Did you say, did you
gont to me? See it? All? Right? Yeah? That was
a great movie. Yeah. And so we're watching it and
all of a sudden, our fire alarm goes off for
some reason because the fucking battery might because the battery
goes you're going to kill still steal my story right now.
But wait, I'm gonna build on it. I'm gonna I'm

(30:19):
actually gonna make it interesting. Should I text my sister
that I changed the battery now? Period? Jesus God, thank
God for your angst against Trump. So anyway, oh, I'm

(30:41):
gonna get it in between shows. Yeah, that hot dog
is coming your way, coming in hot gladly. So anyway,
what's that expression hot dog in the hallway? What is that? Girl? Oh?
I thought it was about lose guys. Are that like

(31:02):
a hot dog throwing a hot dog down the hallway? Um?
What a gross visual one. Anyway, So for watching gone
girl and um, and the fire alarm goes off, right,
and it triggers the sound triggers our house alarm, which

(31:25):
cover your ears is like boo wowow, I mean, it's
it's like unnerving, right, it's through it's in the backyard.
It goes off in the backyard and the neighbors, right,
it's so loud, and so we're like, wait, what the fuck?
We didn't hear the fire alarm and we're watching Gone,
Gone Girl, So we're like kind of freaked out already.

(31:48):
And so the alarms going off because we didn't even
and we're like, put the funk. So we go and
put the punch the code, right, which is I won't
tell you what it is, and uh so we punched
the code and it goes off. We're like, Jesus God,
that gave me a heart attack. And then then the
fire alarm and then the fucking house alarm goes off,
like and this goes on for half an hour, right,

(32:10):
So I turned that off, and we're like, what's going on?
And we call the thing, the fire alarm company, the
house alarm company, what's going on? So we don't know, so,
oh my god. So then we didn't know it was
the fire alarm setting off the house alarm, right right,
because yeah, you don't have a code for your fire alarm, no,
you just have a battery, like an idiot would have known.

(32:31):
So when I kind of buried the lead. But anyway,
so I go in the crawl space of the attic,
Mr mechanic and uh, Mike and the mechanics and um
and I I fucking cut the cord to the house
alarm because I don't know how to fucking fix it.

(32:52):
And then and then I go, I take unscrewed these grates,
like these huge grates in the hallways and that hallway
and that hallway as I live in a mansion, and
I cut that fucking alarm thing. I'm cutting, cutting wires
all over and every time like am I gonna get killed?
You know, like a like die hard, like cut the wad,

(33:14):
not the red one, the green one and so and
then finally no more house alarm, right and then we
hear and I'm so annoying that you're fucking kidding me
for an hour, and the neighbors lights went on and

(33:35):
they're like what And well, we had to do is
change the battery a little longer than yours, but a
little funnier. I once had my fool overflowing at my
house and left my house and checked into a hotel.

(33:58):
I was rising. I was like, rend and I don't
like the look. So this I'm taking off. I like
the idea of cutting wires though. You know, sometimes when
those things are are chirping, it's it's because the batteries low,
and so you think there's a fire. Oh, that's the
point of the story. Sorry, I'm sitting over here in

(34:18):
deep pain. No, that's okay. The shoes look great with
the T shirt. So uh oh I have I look
like a lesbian? Just say I won't say it. I
won't know. When you go low, I go high. Okay,

(34:38):
Well this sounds like a good time to take a break. Okay,
so wait, these are really good questions. Who wrote the
um Let me ask you something else about being horny? Yeah,
I haven't had sex in a really long time, A
long time. Like, uh, I had sex with a ski

(35:01):
guide that I was skiing with a year ago, and
I he got fired from his job for having sex
with me as like a ski Yeah, yeah, he was
a ski guide. I was skiing with him when he
was skiing with my nephews all week and then at
like mid week I was like, who's that guy? Bring
him over here and we ski together and I hooked

(35:22):
up with him, and then he got in trouble for
having sex with the client. I guess that's what they
call you. M Yeah. Well wait, the story stories not over,
because yes, the client, you're like a snow bunny. You're
like a thumper, a little bunny rabbit. I felt really

(35:45):
badly for getting him fired, because you know, I didn't,
you know, make him have sex with me. But I
felt bad anyway, and so I gave him. Um, I
gave him some money because I felt bad about his firing.
And when I told you, oh, that's right, you paid
him because you felt bad about him. Yeah, and he

(36:07):
thought you felt like you caused the firing. Yes, I
felt like I've done this before. I've had sex with
people I shouldn't have and then they get fired and
then I have to give them a severance package. So funny,
and that's so funny. So I gave this guy, like funny,

(36:31):
I gave him twenty dollars. You did not, are you serious?
Fuck you for that hot dog down the hallway. Baby.
I wouldn't fund somebody for twenty grand I don't know

(36:53):
how much say it. I don't know. I don't think
I said I'll give you somebody. I'll give you a
million dollars. We need a million dollars to Fox somebody,
I'll give you ten million dollars. No, I'm not gonna Fox.
H well maybe ten million. Yeah, I would give it
away to Charitae the country. Have you ever seen have
you ever seen bait bus dot com? Anybody clapp Have

(37:15):
you seen bait bus dot com? The gays? The gays? Now?
What is it? Bait bus? Bait bus dot com? Right,
Scotty Yeah, got, he's like what I like, wherever you look,
there's Scotty. Sometimes he's over there. It's like, where's Walden appears?
This actually is a wheelchair and he's gonna wheel chair
me out here, out of here. No bait bus is

(37:36):
like the they it's gay guys. Who it's it's it's
a whole thing where straight guys get lured into a bus.
There's a girl there with titties and he's like yeah,
and she's like can I blindfold you? And she's like yeah,
And then a guy blows him and they take the
fucking thing off and he's like what the funds going up?

(37:57):
And they're like see it doesn't matter any mouth to
mouth bag bus dot com. By the way, it's so old,
I don't even know if it's up anymore. What a
beautiful nighttime story home and tell that to your loved

(38:21):
ones or your children tonight. Don't get on the bus
because you know what happens. That's right. How much time worry?
We have to wrap it up, We have to say
goodbye soon. What would you like your parting words of
wisdom to be? I'm going to tell you right now,
before you fucking me with that hot dog, I'm gonna

(38:41):
tell you and everybody here that, and you've probably been
told this before that well, I'm not gonna back I'm
gonna back into it. No, it's not I'm gonna back
into that. I think for people who don't know Chelsea,
and I'm assuming a lot of you don't know her personally,
at her deepest, darkest secret is she's the kindest, sweetest,

(39:04):
most gentle loving, selfless, giving person ever and you need
to accept that. Sit with that. I'm going to accept that.
I appreciate you saying something nice for once. Thank you.
And And this book truly, out of the three I've read, No,
this book is really, really, truly the best book I've

(39:28):
ever read. It is it is so uh fraught with
lessons and um enlightenment and things that you can take
away and apply to your life and grow and learn,
and not a lot of books do that. Thank you,
Thank you very much. Um I want to just read

(39:51):
something from my book. This is a little serious, so
you can close your ears. Um I we're selling bracelets,
these ones that I'm wearing that say I decide on them,
and T shirts that say I just side that go
to the l g B t q I A. Is
it I A or AI community? It should all be
just Q. But I'm not in charge of that. Okay,
it's going to youth that the l g B t
q I A community. Yeah, well, I know, I'm not

(40:12):
the one who's gay, So I don't know who's coming
up with the letters. I don't know you're adding letters
all the time and just trying to those people should
just be qute. It should just be qute. Okay, well
maybe they will, I mean esventually, they're going to have
to narrow it down to one letter. And by the way,
let's say Q on them. Okay, go ahead, Okay, well
thanks for that. Let me decide which one to read.

(40:37):
Like to go out with something meaningful from this stupid,
stupid conversation. Hold on, let me find something. I'll read this.
I'll read this last part of the book. Shut up

(40:59):
your voice, meaning find something that you care about that
has nothing to do with you, and learn about it.
Pay attention when you're tired, Take care of yourself. Read more,
watch less TV. Find new people to teach you their
life lessons. Be proactive. Know that you have something of
value that is unlike what anyone else has. The world

(41:19):
is only getting browner and gayer, and if you don't
hop on board, you're gonna miss the fucking bus. Debate bus.
Thank you everybody, Thank you for coming out Chicago. Thank you,

(41:46):
thank you. Come on, honey, this one. Okay, Well, that's
our first episode with Shawn Hays. We will be back
next week with second episode with Sean and I am
coming to perform in Atlanta this weekend at the Tabernacle Theater.

(42:09):
I'm coming to Westbury, Long Island, Montclair, New Jersey, and
I'm coming to a whole bunch of new places in
Additional dates have been added to You can go to
Live Nation dot com or Chelsea Hamdler dot com. And
the book is called Life Will Be the Death of Me.
In you two and that's Brandon. He is my consigliare.
Good Night Life will be the Death of Me as

(42:29):
a production of I Heeart Radio. For more podcasts from
I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. O