October 6, 2022 • 50 mins
This week, Chelsea is joined by co-host Catherine Law at her villa in Mallorca, Spain. They chat about Chelsea getting kicked out of a private dinner, what a 60-mile bike ride will do to a person, and their drug-induced private Opera performance. Then: A maybe-autistic wife receives a diagnosis from an unlikely medical medium. A Pole finds herself stuck dating a series of meat-heads. And a 40-year-old professional wonders if it’s time to move from Norway to New York.
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaProject@gmail.com
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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf
Produced by Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert
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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Katherine, Hello Chelsea. You guys, we are coming to
you live from Majorca in Spain. Yes we are. This
is an episode called CS I'm Majorca, where we will
be solving short murder mysteries. We're here with a group
of women and and a token male who happens to
(00:22):
be our sound engineer and podcast editor, Brad, who's Katherine's
lover slash husband. Indeed, so he's the only male in
a house filled with ten girls. Isn't nine girls? So
he is exhausted. He's been making the rounds and having
a great time. We told him this was a swinger's
(00:42):
week and that he was going to have to service
all ten women, and so he has been taking a
lot of apps. Yes, that's absolutely true. All the galaxy
to love him, though, I know, I know, very nicely done, Katherine,
great choice making. He fits in. He does the little
eyemasks that we were all doing when we had our
little spa moment. Yes, Jamie Greenberg is here. She's administering.
(01:05):
She's trying to contribute since her personality is not enough.
She is giving us Ie shades and facials and all
sorts of little treatments. I would say, yes, yes, she's
going to do all of our makeup before we go
out tonight. And it turns out that is that what's happening? Okay,
because that sounds that sounds annoying, sounds like a wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(01:28):
yeah yeah. We make our work for it. But we've
been having some weather in my Orka which has been
kind of delightful, but it was unexpected. So there are
people actually surfing in front of the house today, which
is funny because the waves don't seem big enough to
be doing that. The weather is sunny during the days
and it rains a little bit at night, but we've
had crazy waves like today. These waves are and there's
(01:51):
an electrical storms a lot, and I love an electrical storm.
But then I've been hearing about all these people getting electrocuted,
so I'm now scared of electrical story. You were you
saying somebody died from an electrical storm that was like
two miles away. Yes, yes, I've heard a friend of
a friend her husband was electrocuted. Then on my on
the island of Majorca, there was an electrical storm and
(02:12):
two men were electrocuted. And so I usually sleep with
my window open, and now I am like every time
there's a storm, I'm like, I better shut that window
because the lightning is coming after us. It's like sharks.
Like sharks were bothering us for a while, and guess
what they are bothering us now? Because of climate change.
I believe. I believe everything is to blame on climate change.
(02:33):
That's my new theory about everything. Can I tell you
something I think I heard in the night with my
window open. Oh my god, was it a sexual act?
I mean it might have been, actually, but I think
for the last two nights I have heard of whales
from the ocean. But also it sounds like whale sounds underwater,
(02:53):
So maybe I am hallucinating at four in the morning.
Are you taking them a lot of edibles here? Mushrooms?
What of you ingested so far? Well, we did have
some mushrooms on one of the first evenings. My favorite
moment from that was when we were all giggling and
laughing and having dinner on the terrorists, and we thought
we heard the most lovely man singing opera music and
(03:17):
we went to go check it out. We leaned over
the terrace wall and we heard a man walking by,
just going We thought it was opera. It was my
favorite moment. My cousin Molly was like, Chelsea, can you
please turn the music off? I think I hear opera
so seriously, and I just was like, oh, shut up.
(03:38):
First all, do you know how long it takes me
to get the fucking music on with fucking son Nos?
I hate sons. I've named my baby Sons. He's upstairs
in the crib in my closet and I tape his
mouth shut every night so that he can't work, just
like my son Nos can't work. I don't know if
I have an electrical charge within me that speaking of electricution,
(03:58):
I don't know if I'm there's something that happens when
I touch music that makes it stop working. Anyway, we
turned it off so we could hear opera, only to
find out that there was a man drunk in the street.
La la la. But it sounded so beautiful to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(04:19):
Well I'm glad everyone's partaking. We do need more drugs
though this is a very light drug vacation. I wasn't prepared.
I just assumed people would bring them like they always do,
and not enough people did. We all just assumed you
would bring them yeah, well I'm out. I've been here
for about a month. I did. When I ask you
this of your time in Ma Yorka, what was your worst,
(04:41):
your weirdest, and your best experience? So far? My worst experience,
Let's think about worst experience other than oh so nos. Yeah. Well,
let's see, I've been doing a lot of biking, so
I think the day that we pushed it too far
probably would be one of my worst, not worst experiences.
(05:03):
Worst experiences here, I guess, are biking experiences. I probably
biked like something like sixty miles and I'm pretty sure
I had heat stroke and I went to bed at
six thirty. We had a chef that night coming in,
this woman, Dorothea, who's incredible, and I went to sleep.
I went upstairs to take a nap and warned everybody
that if I went down for a nap, I might
not get back up, which is exactly what happened. And
(05:26):
every time she comes, I've had heat stroke, or I've
been sick or dehydrated or too drunk or something that
I couldn't have dinner. So Dorothea just thinks I'm a
hot mess um and I'm fine with that. So I
guess I wouldn't call that worst, but that was the most,
not the worst. My body felt like I felt like
I was sick and I had heat stroke. My best
(05:47):
experience would also involve a bike ride. Oh, scuba diving.
I've been scuba diving three or four times since I've
been here, and that's been awesome because that used to
scare the ship out of me. And then the strangest
experience is that what you asked the strangest, Oh, I was, well,
not strangest, but it was funny. I was at to see.
I was at this kind of little yacht club the
(06:09):
other night we all went a group of my girlfriends.
Before this group came, my group from Whistler was here,
and we went to the out club and there was
this guy having a private party and I went in
and to order a drink and he's like, are you
with the party? And I was like no, and he
like motioned for me to like get the funk out,
and I was like okay. And then as I was
walking out, somebody's like, I think that was Chelsea Handler
(06:31):
and I went down to sit at a different area
and then slowly, one by one, the entire party came
down to my area, and that guy was left by
himself at his own party. So that was actually one
of my best experiences now that I'm thinking about it.
I liked when that happened. That was very funny because
I didn't argue. I just was like, Okay, buddy, I
don't need to be at your party. And then I
(06:53):
was like, but guess where the party's going to end up?
All his friends wanted to be at your party. Yeah,
so that was good. I did like when we were
walking along to dinner the other night and two girls,
two American girls, stopped you and like, we're just such
big fans, You're amazing. And then one of them that
we were passing by them, and one of them was like,
can we can we maybe get a pick? And her
(07:14):
friend just cut her off and goes, no, we're not
doing that, and we all cheered. We're like, this friend
knew what was up, did her friend of salad? It
was great. Yeah, I like that. I like when somebody
interrupts that, it's like that's not necessary. That way, you
have an even better story, like we didn't interrupt her evening.
(07:37):
I'm excited for the jet lag that I'm going to
have that we're all going to have when we go home,
but probably mine will be the worst because I've been
here for so long, for a whole month, that I
will be waking up at three thirty to four o'clock
in the morning for the next probably month and a half.
You also are flying back and you have a show
the next day. I don't know how You're Mountain Winery
(07:57):
sold out though, but I do have lots of shows
coming up in October and November. Yeah, so I'm you
could check Chelsea Handler dot com. And then there's I'm
doing tons of dates and Passa Robliss, California, Baker's Field,
I'm doing Tampa, Florida. I'm doing Daytona Beach, Florida. I'm
going to all the hot spots you guys that I
haven't hit already on this tour. I would also like
(08:19):
to point out that you are doing what we now
know because of many emails that I have gotten. Thank you.
Pennsylvania is announced reading Pennsylvania. Yes, yes, I'm sorry. I've
been mispronouncing that and I've gotten a lot of d
m s about that as well. In addition to all
the photos of feet that I get now of bare feet,
on airplanes, bare feet in lounges, bare feet at airports,
(08:43):
bare feet at movie theaters, bare feet at live concert events.
I have been bombarded with bare feet fit pictures of
bear feet. Honestly, you just need to start an only
fans and start uploading them. I mean, well, I do
need to start an only fans because I'm ready to
have sex on camera, but to do only fans without
sex like they're like fetish people are like, this is
(09:04):
my cooking show on only fans. I think that's what
it's like, even though that's what I'll be doing, that's
what it's for. It's time. Well, you're ready to take
some question. I am always Well, let's take a quick
break and we'll be back with our first questions. And
(09:26):
we're back here we are, So our first question comes
from Natalie. Natalie says, Dear Chelsea, this is probably the
pettiest email you'll get. I started a new job about
two months ago, and even though I have never introduced
myself as such, absolutely every single person calls me Nat.
(09:48):
I hate it and it makes me cringe, and no
one in my personal life calls me that. Is it
too late to correct people? Or is this just something
I now have to live with, or do I quit
respectfully yours Natalie Natalie emphasis on the alley. No, you
could just do I quit. I like that, it's that
(10:11):
horrible for her. I no, No, I understand when you're
not called the right name. Well, no, actually I don't,
because people call me Chelsea and I don't really care
about that. But if you do care about Nat instead
of Natalie, just correct them. Just tell them you prefer
to be called Natalie and that you had an uncle
named Nat that you know didn't turn out great or something.
If you need an excuse, but you don't, really it's
(10:32):
your name, Yeah, you hated not Cain Cole. No, you
should just tell people. Yeah. See, I get this because
I get called occasionally Cathy and I'm like, no, that's no,
it's not me. Or you know, sometimes Pop will call
me Cat, which like is kind of fine, but I
don't prefer to go by it. I prefer Catherine. But
(10:54):
I have a hard time correcting people in the moment
because of my Midwestern nice But I in Natalie honestly.
Since it's workplace, maybe it could involve like a small
funny workplace memo email or you know, something that goes around.
Everyone's a great idea. Yeah, make it funny. Send everyone
email goo. I know everyone started to call me Nat,
(11:16):
and I have a real issue with that name for
reasons I cannot explain. In this memo, can you please
refer to me as with my full name? Yeah, so, like,
you know, make it light, make it silly, but like
that way everyone gets the picture all at once, or
you know, when you meet people just saying like, oh,
you know what, Actually people refer to me as Natalie
(11:37):
two months in. I think it's due for a funny memo. Yeah, well, Natalie,
your problem is solved, Okay, Natalie. I like how she
opened that with this might be the pettiest question we've
ever gotten, But I don't think petty. I don't think
petty is the right word. But it's the least consequential
email we've gotten. But I love that, Like it's okay
(11:59):
to sense off that's not all about trauma. Yeah, well
we're yeah exactly. It's a nice breath of fresh air.
We need like questions sometimes, guys. Our next question comes
from Lisa. Lisa. Oh, and by the way, our theme
for today's episode is that colors from Europe because we're here,
(12:21):
there's a time differential, and you know we wanted to
record in the mornings. We've got European callers. Okay, dear Chelsea.
My name is Sanna. I'm almost thirty years old and
I live in Belgium with my wife and dog. All
my life, I've been different than the rest, not that
I ever really cared about that, but I do a
lot of self reflection and sometimes I feel like too
(12:41):
much of an outcast. I had a pretty traumatic and
heavy past and tried therapy a few times because I
tend to self destruct. I stopped going since it was
so expensive and I wasn't clicking with any of them.
I started smoking weed a few years ago and it
has helped with my depression and anxiety. A few psychologists
hinted that I have a d h D after reading
as much as I could find about it. I do
(13:02):
think the same, but it always felt more than that
to me. After hanging out in the dog park one
day with a lovely lady that was on LSD at
the moment, she hinted that I seemed to be on
the spectrum. She felt like that because she also is.
I was convinced I wasn't and did an online test
to see if I had similarities. I scored the second
(13:23):
to the highest score on this test. It kind of
wrecked me already knowing that I might be on the spectrum,
But now I don't know how I feel about actually
getting diagnosed properly. In a way, it would help me
with my relationship with my wife and especially myself, maybe
I would be less hard on myself, but it also
freaks me out. And it's so expensive to get diagnosed,
So I'm hesitant. What should I do? Go for it
(13:44):
and get tested. I'm really lost love Sanna and she's
here with us. Hi, Sanna, Hi, how are you? I'm
really good on you good, very good. We're excited to
be talking to you today. So oh, I love your story.
First of all, that you've got a woman in the park.
It was on LSD who may have diagnosed you as
(14:05):
being on the spectrum. I didn't realize that it was
that expensive to get diagnosed. What's the situation with that?
So it costs like a thousand euros just to get diagnosed,
and then you didn't even have like any help or
any guidance, or they just sell you if you have
it or not? And what kind of testing is that?
Is that through a doctor? Is it that through a
(14:25):
government agency? Like? What is that? Yeah, it's like with
psychologists and and it takes a few days, so it's
like proper testing, like they test you on everything. It's
not just like for the autim or the d h D.
So it's good because then you know, like if you
have the full package. You know, But it's expensive, you know,
I think it's really expensive. No, it does sound expensive.
Is that something you can afford? Um? I could? Yeah,
(14:49):
I don't want to, right, right, But do you not
want to because of the money or do you not
want to because you're hesitant about finding out the results.
I think it's a little bit of both. People of
like such a thought, like they already have a judgment
about autism. And there's a lot of freedom in knowing
what your diagnosis is, you know what I mean. It
(15:09):
opens up a lot to understand yourself and to have
a better understanding, Like I have my friend who diagnosed
her husband with autism. She just kind of realized, oh
and saw all the signs and asked him if he
wanted to get his testing, And once he found out
he had it, he understood all the things that he
wasn't connecting. You know, there's a spectrum. We're all on
the spectrum. I joke with my friends all the time
(15:31):
because it's like one of us is, you know, on
one end of the spectrum, the other one is on
the other end of the spectrum. But it's like, these
aren't shameful diagnoses anymore. It's powerful to know, just as
powerful as it is to know if you have a
personality disorder, if you have a d D, how a
d h D plays into something like autism, and how
those two things work in conjunction. Like what do you
(15:52):
notice about yourself and your personality traits that would lead
you to think that you were autistic or have a
d h D. I think I'm a very socially awkward person,
Like I mimic a lot of situations from TV and
like watching people, So in my head it's like, oh,
that's how you talk to people, or like that's how
(16:13):
you behave or my wife were together for seven years
now and she helped me so much all the time.
She has to like kick me in and be like
you can't say that that's rude, or like you're weird.
You don't react in this way, and I'm like, oh funk, yeah,
and then I look it up and I'm like, oh yeah,
so weird, Like wow, how could I not think about it?
And like my emotions in general, I tend to spiral
(16:34):
into an emotion or I'm emotionless, or I spiral in
one emotion and I have like a breakdown things like that.
I just have a lot of anxiety if things that
don't go according to how we will go in my head,
like I tend to like creak out a little bit
since I had such a heavy past and I I
(16:56):
had to grow up really fast, so I learned how
to do a lot of stuff. So I realized, like, oh,
I'm what they call masking. I feel like I've been
masking a lot in my life and I feel like
I'm always almost underwater, like trying to breathe, and I
think that has a lot to do with it, and
maybe being diagnosed and finally know like okay, like it's
(17:18):
all masking, Like it's normal that you're like this. Maybe
it will make me like breath after a while. I
don't know. And are you taking any medication for your
a d h D. Nice smoke smoke weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think you should definitely just use the money get diagnosed.
It's going to give you a lot more freedom. It
feels like what you're talking about, you're kind of stuck,
(17:40):
like when you said you're underwater. It would be so
nice to be above water and not have that feeling anymore.
And there's a lot of liberty that comes with understanding
your personality. And there's no shame in that, you know
what I mean, Like you don't have to tell everybody
that you're autistic or you're that you're on the spectrum,
if that's what you end up being. I know in America, uh,
everyone's talking about this right now, and everyone's interested, and
(18:03):
everyone's curious, and if anyone's on the spectrum, they do
want to know about it. And maybe it's taking a
little bit of a longer time to get to Europe
in that way, but I think that you should embrace it.
You know, it's nothing to not be proud of. Autistic
people have so much to offer and it's so like you,
You have things to offer that people who think in
a linear way and that don't suffer from that social
(18:26):
anxiety aren't offering up you know, because that's considered normal,
whereas what you're considered what what you have is a
different version of being normal, you know, And there's probably
a large community of people once you find out what
your exact diagnosis is that you can connect with, so
you don't feel so alone and you don't feel so
unique and abnormal so to speak. Mm hmm, yeah, that
(18:50):
makes sense. And I would also say, you've had this
confirmation from like a lady on LSD and an online test,
official testing might be a great way to go, but
you might all so because I know you're sort of like, well,
that doesn't give me any treatment, that's just the confirmation.
So you might maybe potentially skip a little bit of
a step and talk to a therapist who specializes and
(19:11):
people who are on the spectrum, and they might be
able to after interacting with you for a little while
kind of sort of tell you if you need to
get official testing and get a real diagnosis, or you know,
whether they can just start treating you because they'll be
able to see some of those signs. But I really
think with anything like this because I have a d
h D and it's something that I didn't I was
(19:32):
very lucky, like I found out that I had a
d h D amongst a group of people who also
had a d h D, and we're super successful entrepreneurs,
interesting people, And in that context, it was like, that's
a superpower. We know how to get things done, we
know how to start projects where leaders, all these wonderful things.
(19:53):
And I really think that some of these things that
are posed as limitations in a lot of ways can
absolutely become superpowers. But you can't find the tools to
help you until you kind of know whether that's what
you're dealing with or not. Yeah, that's true, that makes sense.
Do you take medication for a d h D, Catherine,
(20:14):
I don't take medication. I've tried it a little bit,
but it kind of made me feel a little bit,
almost like hyper focused, And yeah, I had the same. Yeah.
For me, it's more about having built in tools around me. So,
for example, I make excessive lists. A lot of people
don't like to make a list, but you know, any
time I need to remember something or something comes up,
(20:35):
I write it down if I need to follow up
on it, because otherwise it's gone yes, And I love
to write ship down that already did yes exactly, and
then I get the satisfaction of crossing it off, it's delightful.
Or for example, you know, if I'm talking to a
friend at a party and I'm like, oh my gosh,
you gotta check out this Netflix documentary or whatever, I'll
(20:55):
be like, text me tomorrow and I'll let you know,
because i know I'm never going to remember the scent
it um. So it's just about like building in those
tools to help you relate to others, to help you
in work with your wife, whatever it might be. Yeah,
I don't think it's anything to be afraid of though, No,
definitely not. It shouldn't be. You should like run towards that,
you know, because knowledge is power. The more you know
(21:17):
about yourself, the more power you have over every situation.
So you should definitely go get that testing done or
find a therapist that you can work with who can
kind of help guide you to figure out what your
diagnosis is. Yeah, let's see if the lady on Lyssie
was right. She probably was. She probably was. He disappeared, though,
(21:38):
I wonder what happened to her. I haven't seen. Oh yeah,
but also, you know, a therapist and expert in this
field or related fields will also be able to help
you figure out the relationship between everything you have going on.
So when you have anxiety and maybe a d h
D and maybe you're on the spectrum a little bit,
(21:59):
there is a relationship between those things. And I think
once you get tools to deal with some of those things,
like for me, having tools to make sure that like
I know that I'm good at my job or I
know I'm doing what I need to in my interpersonal relationships,
that also helps my anxiety go down, you know, So
it's all sort of interconnected as well. Yeah, you're right,
all right, No, I know, I'm going to get this
(22:21):
good and report back. Let us know what happens. Okay,
thanks Anna, sa I how cute is she cute? I
think everyone's on the spectrum and we all just need
to accept that. You just have to find out what
part of the spectrum you're on. Yeah, that's a good point.
I mean everything she was describing, like her wife has
(22:42):
to kick her under the table when she says something
at a table a dinner party, or kind of spiraling
when you said something down and you know, friendship relationship.
I mean, I think that's all very normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but I mean it's like the sexuality spectrum. You know,
it's like gender identification and all of that. It's like
(23:03):
we're all finding out that it's not one thing or
the other. There's no black and white. There's a whole
array of possibilities, and it's like who cares, you know
what I mean at this point, like there's no nothing
to be embarrassed about. Yeah, it's just like find out
what works for you and then do that. Yeah, because
if you look at us at a deficit in one area,
that means even if that's how you view it, like oh,
(23:24):
this makes me deficient, it's like, no, that makes you
excel in other areas. Yeah. Absolutely. Even watching like Love
on the Spectrum, that Netflix show, which I absolutely love,
you see these people who you know, one for example,
he's like, oh, I've never had a girlfriend, but they
can be like what seventy five times forty two and
instantly knows exactly what the number is. They can be
(23:46):
like what day of the week was, you know, April four,
and he knows like it's a Monday. I mean that's
obviously a sort of on a further end of the spectrum,
but there are absolutely superpowers that come with that. Well,
that was how what was it? How did they frame
it with the Dustin Hoffman Tom Cruise movie. Dustin Hoffman
was was he identified as autistic in that movie? Because
(24:08):
I feel like that was before they called a savant. Yeah,
like in that Rain of rain Man. Yeah, that was
before we even were talking about like autism in the
way we are today. Totally, that was sort of viewed
as a binary, like you're a savant or your typical,
your normal, so so to speak. But I think Santa's
got some good work ahead of her and she's going
to be ay. Okay, Yeah, I like that she's got
(24:31):
I mean, she's in a healthy relationship. It sounds like,
so there, that's a good thing. Totally, totally Okay. Well,
our next question comes from Lisa. Hi, Chelsea, thank you
for your fun and enlightening podcast. My name is Lisa.
I'm a forty year old woman from Oslo, Norway, no kids,
(24:52):
no husband, but a dog. Two years ago, I moved
far north for a job, but also to get some
distance between me and my family, friends a network. I've
spent this time doing lots of therapy and healing work,
and it turns out there's really not many people I
want to keep in my life. It's been a really
sad and lonely realization that I'm pretty much on my
own in life. But at least now I can move
(25:13):
forward with clarity. I just quit my job up here
and I'm ready to start something new. My question is
is it crazy to move to a new country alone
at forty starting my life from scratch, or is it
better to go back to my hometown of Oslo and
make a new start there. I want to be adventurous
like I was in my twenties, but it feels a
lot scarier now. Some advice would be great. Thank you
(25:35):
and take care. Love, Lisa, Hi, Lisa, Hi, Oh my god? Hello?
Can you hear me? Hi? How are you? I'm good? Awesome. So, Lisa,
where are you living now? I'm living in the Norway,
in the north of Norway, Okay, and I will you
(25:56):
guys are in Spain. Yeah? Cool? So you are contemplating
picking up and moving. Yeah, I'm kind of in a
little of a midlife crisis situation because things hasn't turned
out the way I probably had envisioned for myself being
at this age and time in my life, and I
(26:18):
just think that that's an opportunity to do something completely different,
like I have I don't have kids, I don't have anything,
Like I have a dog that I have to bring
up with me. But apart from that, I'm pretty free
to do things. But at the same time, it feels
kind of scary. I did this move. I mean, I
moved a few times before. I've lived in other countries
(26:39):
before when I was younger, but it was different then
because it was with studies and now it's more like
you have to start all on your own. And and
so you were saying that you're contemplating moving to a
completely new city or back to your hometown. Yeah, I'm
kind of in between right now. And I just found
like this really cute little three house that I might
(27:01):
be able to get here. So everything is at the moment,
it's I have a job interview tomorrow, So it's like
it's a lot of different directions at this moment, and
I'm I'm not really sure what's the best thing to do. Okay,
So you have an opportunity to get a little dream
house where in Oslo here in the north, Okay, and
(27:22):
moving home would be moving to Oslo, is that correct?
That's right? Okay? And the job interview would be in
the north as well. The job interview is in the
one that's now isn't Oslo, And it's a really cool
opportunity for me, actually, and I was really excited to
get this interview, and so that's cool. But at the
same time, there's a lot of things that I don't
(27:44):
want in Oslo, Like I have some really golden friends
and people that I that I miss a lot, and
that would be great to see. But I also feel
after I moved here that I've changed so much and
I've changed perspectives a lot, and I find that maybe
it would be better to just try something completely different. Okay.
And when you say your life hasn't turned out the
(28:06):
way that you thought it would, what do you mean
by that? What did you picture for yourself or envision?
I guess like I've never been the kind of I've
never had, like, oh, I'm gonna get married and have
kids by that, I've never had that kind of thing.
I was really just shocked when people in the early thirties,
when everyone around me was doing that, I was like,
what are we there already? Like I couldn't relate to
(28:27):
it at all, And so I just felt like I
had all the time in the world, and then I
met a guy and suddenly I was like super in love.
It was in my mid thirties and all of that
was suddenly happening for me, and I just felt like,
obviously that's what's going to happen, right, like this is it.
And I was really happy about it. But I was
(28:47):
also I'm sure, which I mean now I'm so so
glad it did not been like it was completely the
wrong guy and everything. But after that I had like
a real like, what the fuck it's going to happen now?
I felt like the train had left the station and
wasn't there even a move to New York in the
picture or somewhere totally fresh and new that you're considering, Yes, exactly,
(29:09):
because I talked to this woman and she was like,
she said, I don't think you should live you know,
a way at all. And I've always heard that I'm
not very in Norwegian, like I've never felt that I've
completely like fit in. For instance, I lived in Italy
and my temperament and my my personality is much more
Italian than Norwegian. With the politics in America, I was
(29:31):
scaring the ship out of me so thatth Nicks and
that's all like tempting, but it seems like there's more
options for women, Like there's so many more lifestyles to explore.
I've always wanted to live there, and that's something to
consider now, right, So yeah, I mean the advantage about
being a foreigner and moving to America is like, you know,
if the politics gets too bad, you can always bounce
(29:54):
out of there. It's not like you're tied down to staying.
I would say, like, I'm always up for an advant
and share and at forty like, if you don't do
it now, you might not do it. So I would
always lean towards like, oh God, take a huge leap
of faith, you know, get do and try something new,
you know, kind of infuse your life with some excitement
that you can really like be excited about. You know,
(30:17):
there's a lot of reasons you don't want to move
back to Oslo. And you'll see what happens with this interview,
and if it becomes a job opportunity, then you know
you'll be considering that more. But I would always I
air on the side of taking a leap of faith,
like I just think that that always yields much more
exciting results than falling into what has worked for you
(30:41):
before or an old pattern or yeah, like going back
home to me doesn't sound like a great move, That
doesn't sound like a new life for or what you're
looking for. And it's always gonna be there, like that's
my home time, like that's where my family lives and
I have friends, and it's always going to be there.
So that's the security about of course living in Scandinavia
(31:04):
or you know, in any Western countries that you can
always go back if things you know don't torn up.
But even just moving to another like up in the
north here it was like under the pandemic and I
didn't know anybody, and people who are really kind of
in the beginning very close off, and it was really
tough because I'm very social person and I've never been
(31:24):
so lonely in my life that I've been up here.
But it's been an amazing experience. So I feel like
if I could do that, then with Americans it seems
like like you're really good at like small talking and
all that, but it's it's a very surface leveled everything.
Is that true? Well, it can be true. I think
it depends on where you are a friend of mine
(31:46):
just moved to New York and he was sort of
in a similar situation where he like always wanted to
move to New York. He turned fifty and he had
a little bit of a health event in the last
year that he was just like, you know what, I
need to get my brain doing stuff that's like brand new,
break out of my mold, create some new neural pathways.
And I've always wanted to do this. So he moved.
(32:08):
And when he did move, he was like, you know what,
every time I go out, I make five new friends
and they're sort of like single serving friends where it's
like super exciting and new. But now he's been there
for three months and he's really becoming like part of
the fabric of the community that he's in. He's calling
up these people that he met and they're going out
and he's sort of like starting to make friends. And
(32:29):
that's only three months in. But New York feels like
a good place for that. If you're like ready to
go have an adventure. I mean, look, you're you're smiling
from ear to ear when you when you talk about
it and we think about it. I think you have
to follow things that make you light up exactly. It's
just so to get constricted when you're like reaching certain
(32:51):
age and you feel like, well, that was what you
did in your twenties or whatever, and it's like, well,
doesn't have to be, you know, it doesn't really, No,
I don't think it does have to be. And you
just already exhibited that you can handle a situation by
moving to the North and not having that social kind
of fabric that you are used to and surviving that.
It's not going to be like that in New York City.
(33:13):
There's just by the sheer volume of people, you're gonna
find people and you'll be able to sort through them
pretty quickly. Like I would say, Yeah, l A can
be is probably much more shallow than New York. There's
a lot more substance there. So while Americans in general,
like as a stereotype, might not have that much depth. Like,
you're always going to find people, you know, you kind
(33:34):
of attract what you are, so like you're gonna find
people who have more to offer than just surface talk,
just by the nature of you having more of that
to offer. Yeah, and forty is so young. It's so young. Yes, No,
I mean you're absolutely in your prime. You seem like
someone who's very open to adventure and seeking adventure, and
(33:57):
I think it would be you would be making yourselves
smaller to do something that feels like it's not the
right choice, to go somewhere where you know, like you said,
all eyes are on you. How are you living your life?
Are you gonna settle down anytime soon? Is sort of
the question that's in the air. I mean, this is
absolutely a time to go have an adventure. Yeah, I'm
gonna go and look at LinkedIn and see what options
(34:19):
there are from me. God, do that, and try and
set up some yeah, try and set up some interviews
and stuff like that so you can keep the ball
rolling in the right direction. Yeah. Yeah. And it's really
cool to take that kind of risk and to take
that kind of chance and to like always act bravely,
you know, because it's a brave action and a bold
notion to pick up and move and good things are
(34:42):
going to happen because of it. Yeah. Right, It's true.
I've never regretted any like risks. I mean, you never
regret the things you do, right, it's the things you
don't do well. It depends. Yeah, Well, Lisa, let us
know how it goes, and what you decide to do,
(35:03):
I will thank you so much, thank you, and just
remember you will be welcomed with open arms if you're
forty and not interested in having children in America. Exactly, exactly,
that's good. Nice to talk to you. To enjoy Spain by,
take care by. Thanks. She's cute. Yeah, she's gonna go
(35:25):
have a fabulous adventure wherever it is. I like how
people think it's forties too late for things. It's like,
we're gonna live till we're sucking eighty, I mean probably longer.
My folks when they were in there, like late fifties,
picked up, took my thirteen year old brother and moved
to Costa Rica for a year. Yes, and they in
(35:45):
their fifties learned Spanish from like not knowing anything. My
little brother started in the language school where they were studying.
He after a couple of months, of course, surpassed the
language school and they were like, what do you think
about enrolling him in regular school here? So he did,
And where were you at this time? I was a
freshman in college. So yeah, so I went off to
(36:06):
college and they abandoned me for Costa Rica. But I
can't blame them because you know I went down for
vacations and yes, yeah, so, I mean it's truly it's
never too late. No, yeah, no, it's never too late. Everybody. Okay, okay,
And our last cult day comes from m she says,
(36:28):
Dear Chelsea, I'm thirty six, and I'm often told that
I'm too intimidating for guys to date me. I have
a small business which has been going pretty well over
the years and has given me financial stability and independence,
and I guess also confidence in my field of work. However,
shortly before the pandemic started, I ended a long term relationship.
Among other issues we had, he was quite bothered with
(36:48):
my career and would often let me know directly or
in a passive aggressive way that he didn't feel needed
because I didn't require support. As he would often put it,
for him, support meant being a provider. He was right
about that, as I really didn't need a provider. I
needed a partner on equal footing. After that relationship ended,
I've dated a few guys, but the issue has reappeared
(37:10):
time and again. I've noticed guys are put off by
my career and don't like my independence. I know that
it's their own insecurity, and I don't intend to apologize
for my success because it's taken a lot of effort
to get here. So my question for you is, how
do I find guys that will not be insecure like
that and we'll be willing to take on a relationship
of equals. I feel like the patriarchy is so deep
(37:30):
rooted and I don't fit the standards guys are used
to and feel comfortable with. So essentially I'm screwed. What's
your thought on this? Thank you? And I love the
podcast best. From across the Pond? Um hi, um, hi there, Hi,
how are you? I'm really well, thank you. It's lovely
to meet you guys next to me. Where you so
(37:53):
really across the pond? Oh wow, I've never been to Poland,
Oh you should, well, crack I was really beautiful, So
that's what I hear. Yeah, I hear, crac Yeah are
you Polish? Are you American? Oh? Oh god, I thought
you sent it American? Okay. I was like, wait, is
that a compliment them? Well, yeah, no, I understand what
(38:16):
you mean. I've I've experienced that my whole life, you know,
men being intimidated by me or turned off by me,
you know, they like I think they do get turned off.
I don't know that there's much you can do about
it other than try to like own your own self
esteem and your own like, you know, knowing that it's
not necessary. Obviously you want to find a partner, but
it's not necessary to find a partner. And as long
(38:38):
as you have the line of thinking that you have
to find one, I always find that to be a
little bit more limiting than being open to the possibility
that you may not need one, even if that's not
what you're looking for. It's like it's better just to
not have a need for that, you know. And I
think once you kind of let go of that need
to partner up with somebody, I feel like more opportu
(39:00):
tunities seem to present themselves. Yeah, yeah, I know, I
get what you're saying. I I also will say I
don't really date that much. And it's sometimes sometimes I
get the feeling that maybe it's because I'm not very girly,
you know, like I don't do the whole like betting
my eyelashes and being like alerty I guess in a
very girly way, so that sometimes maybe is I don't know.
(39:23):
Maybe I'm not that approachable. Sometimes I'm kind of doubting
myself as to how I act around guys or although
I do feel confident in approaching them or talking to them,
but I'm not girly and that say yeah, yeah, But
I don't think that's something that you want to change,
you know what I mean, Because that's like almost putting
on an affectation. I've been told that so many times,
like you don't know how to flirt, or you're not yeah,
(39:45):
exactly the same notes that you're talking about. People have
given me, And I'm like, well, that's not who I am.
That would be like fake, and I that's the one
thing that I do not. I can't be fake. I
can't pretend to be something that I'm not. So I
would stay true to who you are and kind of
like let go, you know what I mean. Believe that
your person is coming, and it's probably not going to
(40:06):
be in the time frame that you would desire, but
to believe that and just let it go and continue
to be who you are and stand in your real
power of like being a strong, opinionated woman, and some
guy is going to love that and love you for
all of those things and he's not going to want
to change anything about you. Yeah, that's the dream. Yeah,
(40:29):
and those dreams become a reality for so many people,
you know, and it can be true for you too.
It's a matter of just not holding onto this idea
of something so much and twisting and shaping yourself to
meet someone else's needs. Like that's unnecessary. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I know, I know what you mean. Also, that's the
way I'm telling myself constantly, because I also I don't
(40:50):
want to be like hung up on the idea of
trying to find a partner just for the sake of
finding one that that doesn't work either, So I'm just
kind of trying to go with the flow. But but
it is sometimes kind of you know, like it it
gets into my head like am I doing something wrong
or is it just the world that it's just you know,
not there for me yet. Yeah, I don't think you're
(41:10):
doing anything wrong, you know. I mean, honestly, so many
women have this issue, and it's like the world is
always in a weird place, and we're definitely in a
weird place. People are weird after COVID. Just I think
things like this come to you when when you take
the pressure off of yourself, and so I think that
would be your takeaway. Stop putting so much pressure on
the situation and stop second guessing yourself. You know what
(41:34):
I mean. You have a life, live it, enjoy the
people that are in it, and be open to, you know,
the possibility of meeting somebody in a situation that may
not be the most typical one or you know, just
keep your eyes and ears open and as long as
your heart is open and your mind is open, things
will come to you. Yeah. That's that's that's hopefully what's
(41:55):
what's going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. And this, you know,
this idea of like I need to be cutatious or
I need to be you know, batting my eyelashes. That's
sort of playing into these gender roles and stereotypes that
are exactly not what you're into, not what you're going after.
You know. The kinds of guys who will respond to
that and not just like WHOA, she's so smart, she's
(42:15):
so fun Like she's so cool to be around. Those
kind of guys are the guys who want to be
the be the hero and you know, need to be
supporting you sort of thing. So and I think Chelsea
said this on the podcast before. But you know, if
if you're not finding the right guy, you're finding these
kinds of guys who feel like they need to be
in control or they need to have, you know, a
(42:36):
heightened power dynamic with you in a relationship, then you
just haven't found the right guy yet. Yeah, and it
might be you know, I don't know. What do you
think it's a little bit of a cultural thing as well.
I don't because I've I've dated people from all over,
like it was with a guy from Spain, but I
did the Polish guys, I did the British guy, So
(42:57):
I kind of find the same thing every time. Yeah,
m hmmmmmm. I mean guys everywhere a little bit like this.
I mean a lot of guys. Are you on dating
websites and stuff like that? Is that how you do
the thing? Is that I hate the dating websites or
apps or I don't. I don't know. I just I
don't find myself in you know, like just putting a
(43:19):
picture and saying yeah, hi, that's just me. I don't know,
I don't That's not how I like to meet people.
So you got guys to like, um, acquaintances of like
or like former co workers or like just people that
I've hung out with, and then I kind of felt
the connection. So that's kind of my style of dating.
And but yeah, maybe the dating apps or the next
thing to explore, I don't know. And how old are you?
(43:42):
I just turned forty seven, okay, And so you've been
in a few long term relationships. Well, it was the
one like really long term one really, and then I
just dated for like maybe several months, but not not
too seriously. Like the one serious was the one that
ended when COVID started. So yeah, mm hmmmm mmmm, Okay,
(44:03):
Well that's good. I think you're gonna be just fine,
you know what I mean. I think it's just like relax.
Like people get a little bit like, yeah, they get
a little bit of anxiety related to dating into meeting
the right person and all of that, and it's just
too much pressure to put yourself under earth and it
doesn't yield good results anyway. You know, you get into
a situation where you almost start to feel a little
(44:25):
bit desperate, and you don't want to feel that way.
You know, you want to give off the good vibes,
not the desperate vibes and you're not desperate, so you know,
you don't have to feel that way in any way,
shape or form. Yeah. I think it's also like my family.
My parents never hint on the fact that I don't
have a partner, but then like the aunts and uncle,
uncles and my cousins are sometimes like, why are you
(44:46):
going to bring someone home like for Christmas or something,
And I'm like, well, you know, if there's someone to
bring the chore, but you know, yeah, I wouldn't worry
about anything that anybody else says anyway, So just ignore that. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what that's not doing. Yeah. I do think it's
a little bit of a numbers game, right, The more
people you meet, the more likelihood that you're going to
(45:07):
meet the one. Dating apps, I don't have a lot
of personal experience with them, but one of the best
stories that I have heard my sister in law, my
now sister in law, she came back from visiting her
cousins in Ireland and they all were like, you're about
to turn thirty, you know, you don't have a man,
blah blah blah, and she was so pissed at them
that she went like signed up for a dating app,
(45:28):
and she just decided to go on every first date.
So she this was my favorite thing that she did.
She had three date outfits. She had a first date outfit,
a second date outfit, and a third date outfit, so
that she would not be repeating the same outfits for
like a first and a second date with a guy.
She said, by the time she met her now husband
(45:48):
my brother in law, her first date outfit was rags.
It was just like absolutely ragged. But she was like,
I went out on lunch dates, I went on on
dinner dates, sometimes two in a day. But she just
made it her job for I think it was about
six months and she met the guy. You know, they
both were like, wait, why are you single? Oh my gosh,
I can't believe you're still single, Like you're still out there.
It's like that person who is your wonderful match is
(46:11):
definitely out there. Yeah wow, Yeah, that's that's very encouraging.
Whether it's on apps or whether it's going and finding
a meet up group, joining some group that likes to
go to museums, whatever it is that might yield an
older crowd, but you know, different groups where you can
meet people. I think make it a numbers game and
you will find the one. Yeah, thank you guys. That's
(46:33):
like she really helps look wonderful. Well, let us know
how it goes. Okay, Marta, thank you so much. Right
bye bye, Marta. Think here and thank you guys. Okay, well, Chelsea,
with that, I think we have to take another break
and we'll come back. We will be right back. And
we're back. And we're back. We're back. We're back from Marca. Everybody,
(46:58):
We're in Maorca. We're back in my worka. We thought
about opening the windows so you could hear the waves.
I can hear the waves outside. It feels like we
can hear them, so maybe that our listeners can also
hear them. I know. Well, I have a quick update
from one of our recent callers, Chelsea. I'm pretty excited
(47:19):
to tell you this. I received an Instagram d M
from a listener that says, Hi, Katherine. A bit of
an atypical request. He says, just listen to today's episode.
Noah the Queer Historian sounds like a true dream of
a man. I'm a sex positive gay man with a
love of nerd culture and luckily, a kinky top for
his kinky bottom needs. Aside from all that, Noah's intellect
(47:43):
really stood out to me. Any chance you can pass
my Instagram onto him? I know Matchmaker isn't part of
your producing responsibilities, but I figured there are appropriate rules
around privacy for those who call in. Assuming the only
way we could connect is if he checks out my socials,
please feel free to pass them along. Thanks. Kath a
huge fan of the podcast. So I responded, I let
(48:04):
him know that I would pass on his socials and
and Noah said, and this was from the Ross episode,
by the way, for those of you who want to
go check this out, he said, Thanks Catherine, I appreciate
it he reached out to me. Also, turns out queer
historian plus Noah plus Minneapolis narrows the search. If any
more reach out fingers crossed, feel free to send them
(48:25):
to my instad ms at Liberal Arts Major. I'm happy
to receive my own suitors instead of you dealing with them.
So you know what, we might have a love connection, Chelsea. Well,
you'd better give out your Instagram handle to all of
our listeners who are trying to hook up after they
hear an episode. You can find me at cath Elizabeth
on Instagram and yeah, let me know if you if
(48:46):
you need to be hooked up with a lovely caller
who's intellect a caller anything. Really. I love that he
was asking, like, how do I meet a guy to
even start a long distance relationship because I'm open to that.
Well apparently right into a podcast, right right, that'd be
great if they hooked up. I know. I just like,
I really need to be invited to this wedding to
(49:08):
ask for an update. Also as please let us know
how it goes. I know they are in different cities,
so you know when and if that visit happens. Please
let us the kinky bottom was in Minneapolis? Where was
the other guy from other guys from I want to
say Colorado. I think he just moved, but you know what,
planes happen, Planes exist, he can, he can move to
Minneapolis and game of one guy that he hasn't met
(49:30):
in Minneapolis. That was his big complaint. Hopefully Colorado needs
some queer art historians, so I keep saying art. I
don't think I was part of some queer historians que Okay, Well,
our wrap up is that we are headed back to
Undos Estados in a few short days. We're gonna go
get you some chat lag. Yeah, we're gonna go. I
(49:51):
have yeah ordering up some jat LAG and I'll see
everybody at my shows in the fall. Amazing. Thanks Chelsea,
and thanks for inviting me to the beautiful place. Oh
my god, my pleasure. All right, we'll see you guys
next time. Bye bye. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea,
just send us an email at Dear Chelsea project at
gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of I
(50:14):
Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stump, produced by Catherine Law,
and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.
Hi, Katherine, Hello Chelsea. You guys, we are coming to
you live from Majorca in Spain. Yes we are. This
is an episode called CS I'm Majorca, where we will
be solving short murder mysteries. We're here with a group
of women and and a token male who happens to
(00:22):
be our sound engineer and podcast editor, Brad, who's Katherine's
lover slash husband. Indeed, so he's the only male in
a house filled with ten girls. Isn't nine girls? So
he is exhausted. He's been making the rounds and having
a great time. We told him this was a swinger's
(00:42):
week and that he was going to have to service
all ten women, and so he has been taking a
lot of apps. Yes, that's absolutely true. All the galaxy
to love him, though, I know, I know, very nicely done, Katherine,
great choice making. He fits in. He does the little
eyemasks that we were all doing when we had our
little spa moment. Yes, Jamie Greenberg is here. She's administering.
(01:05):
She's trying to contribute since her personality is not enough.
She is giving us Ie shades and facials and all
sorts of little treatments. I would say, yes, yes, she's
going to do all of our makeup before we go
out tonight. And it turns out that is that what's happening? Okay,
because that sounds that sounds annoying, sounds like a wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(01:28):
yeah yeah. We make our work for it. But we've
been having some weather in my Orka which has been
kind of delightful, but it was unexpected. So there are
people actually surfing in front of the house today, which
is funny because the waves don't seem big enough to
be doing that. The weather is sunny during the days
and it rains a little bit at night, but we've
had crazy waves like today. These waves are and there's
(01:51):
an electrical storms a lot, and I love an electrical storm.
But then I've been hearing about all these people getting electrocuted,
so I'm now scared of electrical story. You were you
saying somebody died from an electrical storm that was like
two miles away. Yes, yes, I've heard a friend of
a friend her husband was electrocuted. Then on my on
the island of Majorca, there was an electrical storm and
(02:12):
two men were electrocuted. And so I usually sleep with
my window open, and now I am like every time
there's a storm, I'm like, I better shut that window
because the lightning is coming after us. It's like sharks.
Like sharks were bothering us for a while, and guess
what they are bothering us now? Because of climate change.
I believe. I believe everything is to blame on climate change.
(02:33):
That's my new theory about everything. Can I tell you
something I think I heard in the night with my
window open. Oh my god, was it a sexual act?
I mean it might have been, actually, but I think
for the last two nights I have heard of whales
from the ocean. But also it sounds like whale sounds underwater,
(02:53):
So maybe I am hallucinating at four in the morning.
Are you taking them a lot of edibles here? Mushrooms?
What of you ingested so far? Well, we did have
some mushrooms on one of the first evenings. My favorite
moment from that was when we were all giggling and
laughing and having dinner on the terrorists, and we thought
we heard the most lovely man singing opera music and
(03:17):
we went to go check it out. We leaned over
the terrace wall and we heard a man walking by,
just going We thought it was opera. It was my
favorite moment. My cousin Molly was like, Chelsea, can you
please turn the music off? I think I hear opera
so seriously, and I just was like, oh, shut up.
(03:38):
First all, do you know how long it takes me
to get the fucking music on with fucking son Nos?
I hate sons. I've named my baby Sons. He's upstairs
in the crib in my closet and I tape his
mouth shut every night so that he can't work, just
like my son Nos can't work. I don't know if
I have an electrical charge within me that speaking of electricution,
(03:58):
I don't know if I'm there's something that happens when
I touch music that makes it stop working. Anyway, we
turned it off so we could hear opera, only to
find out that there was a man drunk in the street.
La la la. But it sounded so beautiful to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(04:19):
Well I'm glad everyone's partaking. We do need more drugs
though this is a very light drug vacation. I wasn't prepared.
I just assumed people would bring them like they always do,
and not enough people did. We all just assumed you
would bring them yeah, well I'm out. I've been here
for about a month. I did. When I ask you
this of your time in Ma Yorka, what was your worst,
(04:41):
your weirdest, and your best experience? So far? My worst experience,
Let's think about worst experience other than oh so nos. Yeah. Well,
let's see, I've been doing a lot of biking, so
I think the day that we pushed it too far
probably would be one of my worst, not worst experiences.
(05:03):
Worst experiences here, I guess, are biking experiences. I probably
biked like something like sixty miles and I'm pretty sure
I had heat stroke and I went to bed at
six thirty. We had a chef that night coming in,
this woman, Dorothea, who's incredible, and I went to sleep.
I went upstairs to take a nap and warned everybody
that if I went down for a nap, I might
not get back up, which is exactly what happened. And
(05:26):
every time she comes, I've had heat stroke, or I've
been sick or dehydrated or too drunk or something that
I couldn't have dinner. So Dorothea just thinks I'm a
hot mess um and I'm fine with that. So I
guess I wouldn't call that worst, but that was the most,
not the worst. My body felt like I felt like
I was sick and I had heat stroke. My best
(05:47):
experience would also involve a bike ride. Oh, scuba diving.
I've been scuba diving three or four times since I've
been here, and that's been awesome because that used to
scare the ship out of me. And then the strangest
experience is that what you asked the strangest, Oh, I was, well,
not strangest, but it was funny. I was at to see.
I was at this kind of little yacht club the
(06:09):
other night we all went a group of my girlfriends.
Before this group came, my group from Whistler was here,
and we went to the out club and there was
this guy having a private party and I went in
and to order a drink and he's like, are you
with the party? And I was like no, and he
like motioned for me to like get the funk out,
and I was like okay. And then as I was
walking out, somebody's like, I think that was Chelsea Handler
(06:31):
and I went down to sit at a different area
and then slowly, one by one, the entire party came
down to my area, and that guy was left by
himself at his own party. So that was actually one
of my best experiences now that I'm thinking about it.
I liked when that happened. That was very funny because
I didn't argue. I just was like, Okay, buddy, I
don't need to be at your party. And then I
(06:53):
was like, but guess where the party's going to end up?
All his friends wanted to be at your party. Yeah,
so that was good. I did like when we were
walking along to dinner the other night and two girls,
two American girls, stopped you and like, we're just such
big fans, You're amazing. And then one of them that
we were passing by them, and one of them was like,
can we can we maybe get a pick? And her
(07:14):
friend just cut her off and goes, no, we're not
doing that, and we all cheered. We're like, this friend
knew what was up, did her friend of salad? It
was great. Yeah, I like that. I like when somebody
interrupts that, it's like that's not necessary. That way, you
have an even better story, like we didn't interrupt her evening.
(07:37):
I'm excited for the jet lag that I'm going to
have that we're all going to have when we go home,
but probably mine will be the worst because I've been
here for so long, for a whole month, that I
will be waking up at three thirty to four o'clock
in the morning for the next probably month and a half.
You also are flying back and you have a show
the next day. I don't know how You're Mountain Winery
(07:57):
sold out though, but I do have lots of shows
coming up in October and November. Yeah, so I'm you
could check Chelsea Handler dot com. And then there's I'm
doing tons of dates and Passa Robliss, California, Baker's Field,
I'm doing Tampa, Florida. I'm doing Daytona Beach, Florida. I'm
going to all the hot spots you guys that I
haven't hit already on this tour. I would also like
(08:19):
to point out that you are doing what we now
know because of many emails that I have gotten. Thank you.
Pennsylvania is announced reading Pennsylvania. Yes, yes, I'm sorry. I've
been mispronouncing that and I've gotten a lot of d
m s about that as well. In addition to all
the photos of feet that I get now of bare feet,
on airplanes, bare feet in lounges, bare feet at airports,
(08:43):
bare feet at movie theaters, bare feet at live concert events.
I have been bombarded with bare feet fit pictures of
bear feet. Honestly, you just need to start an only
fans and start uploading them. I mean, well, I do
need to start an only fans because I'm ready to
have sex on camera, but to do only fans without
sex like they're like fetish people are like, this is
(09:04):
my cooking show on only fans. I think that's what
it's like, even though that's what I'll be doing, that's
what it's for. It's time. Well, you're ready to take
some question. I am always Well, let's take a quick
break and we'll be back with our first questions. And
(09:26):
we're back here we are, So our first question comes
from Natalie. Natalie says, Dear Chelsea, this is probably the
pettiest email you'll get. I started a new job about
two months ago, and even though I have never introduced
myself as such, absolutely every single person calls me Nat.
(09:48):
I hate it and it makes me cringe, and no
one in my personal life calls me that. Is it
too late to correct people? Or is this just something
I now have to live with, or do I quit
respectfully yours Natalie Natalie emphasis on the alley. No, you
could just do I quit. I like that, it's that
(10:11):
horrible for her. I no, No, I understand when you're
not called the right name. Well, no, actually I don't,
because people call me Chelsea and I don't really care
about that. But if you do care about Nat instead
of Natalie, just correct them. Just tell them you prefer
to be called Natalie and that you had an uncle
named Nat that you know didn't turn out great or something.
If you need an excuse, but you don't, really it's
(10:32):
your name, Yeah, you hated not Cain Cole. No, you
should just tell people. Yeah. See, I get this because
I get called occasionally Cathy and I'm like, no, that's no,
it's not me. Or you know, sometimes Pop will call
me Cat, which like is kind of fine, but I
don't prefer to go by it. I prefer Catherine. But
(10:54):
I have a hard time correcting people in the moment
because of my Midwestern nice But I in Natalie honestly.
Since it's workplace, maybe it could involve like a small
funny workplace memo email or you know, something that goes around.
Everyone's a great idea. Yeah, make it funny. Send everyone
email goo. I know everyone started to call me Nat,
(11:16):
and I have a real issue with that name for
reasons I cannot explain. In this memo, can you please
refer to me as with my full name? Yeah, so, like,
you know, make it light, make it silly, but like
that way everyone gets the picture all at once, or
you know, when you meet people just saying like, oh,
you know what, Actually people refer to me as Natalie
(11:37):
two months in. I think it's due for a funny memo. Yeah, well, Natalie,
your problem is solved, Okay, Natalie. I like how she
opened that with this might be the pettiest question we've
ever gotten, But I don't think petty. I don't think
petty is the right word. But it's the least consequential
email we've gotten. But I love that, Like it's okay
(11:59):
to sense off that's not all about trauma. Yeah, well
we're yeah exactly. It's a nice breath of fresh air.
We need like questions sometimes, guys. Our next question comes
from Lisa. Lisa. Oh, and by the way, our theme
for today's episode is that colors from Europe because we're here,
(12:21):
there's a time differential, and you know we wanted to
record in the mornings. We've got European callers. Okay, dear Chelsea.
My name is Sanna. I'm almost thirty years old and
I live in Belgium with my wife and dog. All
my life, I've been different than the rest, not that
I ever really cared about that, but I do a
lot of self reflection and sometimes I feel like too
(12:41):
much of an outcast. I had a pretty traumatic and
heavy past and tried therapy a few times because I
tend to self destruct. I stopped going since it was
so expensive and I wasn't clicking with any of them.
I started smoking weed a few years ago and it
has helped with my depression and anxiety. A few psychologists
hinted that I have a d h D after reading
as much as I could find about it. I do
(13:02):
think the same, but it always felt more than that
to me. After hanging out in the dog park one
day with a lovely lady that was on LSD at
the moment, she hinted that I seemed to be on
the spectrum. She felt like that because she also is.
I was convinced I wasn't and did an online test
to see if I had similarities. I scored the second
(13:23):
to the highest score on this test. It kind of
wrecked me already knowing that I might be on the spectrum,
But now I don't know how I feel about actually
getting diagnosed properly. In a way, it would help me
with my relationship with my wife and especially myself, maybe
I would be less hard on myself, but it also
freaks me out. And it's so expensive to get diagnosed,
So I'm hesitant. What should I do? Go for it
(13:44):
and get tested. I'm really lost love Sanna and she's
here with us. Hi, Sanna, Hi, how are you? I'm
really good on you good, very good. We're excited to
be talking to you today. So oh, I love your story.
First of all, that you've got a woman in the park.
It was on LSD who may have diagnosed you as
(14:05):
being on the spectrum. I didn't realize that it was
that expensive to get diagnosed. What's the situation with that?
So it costs like a thousand euros just to get diagnosed,
and then you didn't even have like any help or
any guidance, or they just sell you if you have
it or not? And what kind of testing is that?
Is that through a doctor? Is it that through a
(14:25):
government agency? Like? What is that? Yeah, it's like with
psychologists and and it takes a few days, so it's
like proper testing, like they test you on everything. It's
not just like for the autim or the d h D.
So it's good because then you know, like if you
have the full package. You know, But it's expensive, you know,
I think it's really expensive. No, it does sound expensive.
Is that something you can afford? Um? I could? Yeah,
(14:49):
I don't want to, right, right, But do you not
want to because of the money or do you not
want to because you're hesitant about finding out the results.
I think it's a little bit of both. People of
like such a thought, like they already have a judgment
about autism. And there's a lot of freedom in knowing
what your diagnosis is, you know what I mean. It
(15:09):
opens up a lot to understand yourself and to have
a better understanding, Like I have my friend who diagnosed
her husband with autism. She just kind of realized, oh
and saw all the signs and asked him if he
wanted to get his testing, And once he found out
he had it, he understood all the things that he
wasn't connecting. You know, there's a spectrum. We're all on
the spectrum. I joke with my friends all the time
(15:31):
because it's like one of us is, you know, on
one end of the spectrum, the other one is on
the other end of the spectrum. But it's like, these
aren't shameful diagnoses anymore. It's powerful to know, just as
powerful as it is to know if you have a
personality disorder, if you have a d D, how a
d h D plays into something like autism, and how
those two things work in conjunction. Like what do you
(15:52):
notice about yourself and your personality traits that would lead
you to think that you were autistic or have a
d h D. I think I'm a very socially awkward person,
Like I mimic a lot of situations from TV and
like watching people, So in my head it's like, oh,
that's how you talk to people, or like that's how
(16:13):
you behave or my wife were together for seven years
now and she helped me so much all the time.
She has to like kick me in and be like
you can't say that that's rude, or like you're weird.
You don't react in this way, and I'm like, oh funk, yeah,
and then I look it up and I'm like, oh yeah,
so weird, Like wow, how could I not think about it?
And like my emotions in general, I tend to spiral
(16:34):
into an emotion or I'm emotionless, or I spiral in
one emotion and I have like a breakdown things like that.
I just have a lot of anxiety if things that
don't go according to how we will go in my head,
like I tend to like creak out a little bit
since I had such a heavy past and I I
(16:56):
had to grow up really fast, so I learned how
to do a lot of stuff. So I realized, like, oh,
I'm what they call masking. I feel like I've been
masking a lot in my life and I feel like
I'm always almost underwater, like trying to breathe, and I
think that has a lot to do with it, and
maybe being diagnosed and finally know like okay, like it's
(17:18):
all masking, Like it's normal that you're like this. Maybe
it will make me like breath after a while. I
don't know. And are you taking any medication for your
a d h D. Nice smoke smoke weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think you should definitely just use the money get diagnosed.
It's going to give you a lot more freedom. It
feels like what you're talking about, you're kind of stuck,
(17:40):
like when you said you're underwater. It would be so
nice to be above water and not have that feeling anymore.
And there's a lot of liberty that comes with understanding
your personality. And there's no shame in that, you know
what I mean, Like you don't have to tell everybody
that you're autistic or you're that you're on the spectrum,
if that's what you end up being. I know in America, uh,
everyone's talking about this right now, and everyone's interested, and
(18:03):
everyone's curious, and if anyone's on the spectrum, they do
want to know about it. And maybe it's taking a
little bit of a longer time to get to Europe
in that way, but I think that you should embrace it.
You know, it's nothing to not be proud of. Autistic
people have so much to offer and it's so like you,
You have things to offer that people who think in
a linear way and that don't suffer from that social
(18:26):
anxiety aren't offering up you know, because that's considered normal,
whereas what you're considered what what you have is a
different version of being normal, you know, And there's probably
a large community of people once you find out what
your exact diagnosis is that you can connect with, so
you don't feel so alone and you don't feel so
unique and abnormal so to speak. Mm hmm, yeah, that
(18:50):
makes sense. And I would also say, you've had this
confirmation from like a lady on LSD and an online test,
official testing might be a great way to go, but
you might all so because I know you're sort of like, well,
that doesn't give me any treatment, that's just the confirmation.
So you might maybe potentially skip a little bit of
a step and talk to a therapist who specializes and
(19:11):
people who are on the spectrum, and they might be
able to after interacting with you for a little while
kind of sort of tell you if you need to
get official testing and get a real diagnosis, or you know,
whether they can just start treating you because they'll be
able to see some of those signs. But I really
think with anything like this because I have a d
h D and it's something that I didn't I was
(19:32):
very lucky, like I found out that I had a
d h D amongst a group of people who also
had a d h D, and we're super successful entrepreneurs,
interesting people, And in that context, it was like, that's
a superpower. We know how to get things done, we
know how to start projects where leaders, all these wonderful things.
(19:53):
And I really think that some of these things that
are posed as limitations in a lot of ways can
absolutely become superpowers. But you can't find the tools to
help you until you kind of know whether that's what
you're dealing with or not. Yeah, that's true, that makes sense.
Do you take medication for a d h D, Catherine,
(20:14):
I don't take medication. I've tried it a little bit,
but it kind of made me feel a little bit,
almost like hyper focused, And yeah, I had the same. Yeah.
For me, it's more about having built in tools around me. So,
for example, I make excessive lists. A lot of people
don't like to make a list, but you know, any
time I need to remember something or something comes up,
(20:35):
I write it down if I need to follow up
on it, because otherwise it's gone yes, And I love
to write ship down that already did yes exactly, and
then I get the satisfaction of crossing it off, it's delightful.
Or for example, you know, if I'm talking to a
friend at a party and I'm like, oh my gosh,
you gotta check out this Netflix documentary or whatever, I'll
(20:55):
be like, text me tomorrow and I'll let you know,
because i know I'm never going to remember the scent
it um. So it's just about like building in those
tools to help you relate to others, to help you
in work with your wife, whatever it might be. Yeah,
I don't think it's anything to be afraid of though, No,
definitely not. It shouldn't be. You should like run towards that,
you know, because knowledge is power. The more you know
(21:17):
about yourself, the more power you have over every situation.
So you should definitely go get that testing done or
find a therapist that you can work with who can
kind of help guide you to figure out what your
diagnosis is. Yeah, let's see if the lady on Lyssie
was right. She probably was. She probably was. He disappeared, though,
(21:38):
I wonder what happened to her. I haven't seen. Oh yeah,
but also, you know, a therapist and expert in this
field or related fields will also be able to help
you figure out the relationship between everything you have going on.
So when you have anxiety and maybe a d h
D and maybe you're on the spectrum a little bit,
(21:59):
there is a relationship between those things. And I think
once you get tools to deal with some of those things,
like for me, having tools to make sure that like
I know that I'm good at my job or I
know I'm doing what I need to in my interpersonal relationships,
that also helps my anxiety go down, you know, So
it's all sort of interconnected as well. Yeah, you're right,
all right, No, I know, I'm going to get this
(22:21):
good and report back. Let us know what happens. Okay,
thanks Anna, sa I how cute is she cute? I
think everyone's on the spectrum and we all just need
to accept that. You just have to find out what
part of the spectrum you're on. Yeah, that's a good point.
I mean everything she was describing, like her wife has
(22:42):
to kick her under the table when she says something
at a table a dinner party, or kind of spiraling
when you said something down and you know, friendship relationship.
I mean, I think that's all very normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but I mean it's like the sexuality spectrum. You know,
it's like gender identification and all of that. It's like
(23:03):
we're all finding out that it's not one thing or
the other. There's no black and white. There's a whole
array of possibilities, and it's like who cares, you know
what I mean at this point, like there's no nothing
to be embarrassed about. Yeah, it's just like find out
what works for you and then do that. Yeah, because
if you look at us at a deficit in one area,
that means even if that's how you view it, like oh,
(23:24):
this makes me deficient, it's like, no, that makes you
excel in other areas. Yeah. Absolutely. Even watching like Love
on the Spectrum, that Netflix show, which I absolutely love,
you see these people who you know, one for example,
he's like, oh, I've never had a girlfriend, but they
can be like what seventy five times forty two and
instantly knows exactly what the number is. They can be
(23:46):
like what day of the week was, you know, April four,
and he knows like it's a Monday. I mean that's
obviously a sort of on a further end of the spectrum,
but there are absolutely superpowers that come with that. Well,
that was how what was it? How did they frame
it with the Dustin Hoffman Tom Cruise movie. Dustin Hoffman
was was he identified as autistic in that movie? Because
(24:08):
I feel like that was before they called a savant. Yeah,
like in that Rain of rain Man. Yeah, that was
before we even were talking about like autism in the
way we are today. Totally, that was sort of viewed
as a binary, like you're a savant or your typical,
your normal, so so to speak. But I think Santa's
got some good work ahead of her and she's going
to be ay. Okay, Yeah, I like that she's got
(24:31):
I mean, she's in a healthy relationship. It sounds like,
so there, that's a good thing. Totally, totally Okay. Well,
our next question comes from Lisa. Hi, Chelsea, thank you
for your fun and enlightening podcast. My name is Lisa.
I'm a forty year old woman from Oslo, Norway, no kids,
(24:52):
no husband, but a dog. Two years ago, I moved
far north for a job, but also to get some
distance between me and my family, friends a network. I've
spent this time doing lots of therapy and healing work,
and it turns out there's really not many people I
want to keep in my life. It's been a really
sad and lonely realization that I'm pretty much on my
own in life. But at least now I can move
(25:13):
forward with clarity. I just quit my job up here
and I'm ready to start something new. My question is
is it crazy to move to a new country alone
at forty starting my life from scratch, or is it
better to go back to my hometown of Oslo and
make a new start there. I want to be adventurous
like I was in my twenties, but it feels a
lot scarier now. Some advice would be great. Thank you
(25:35):
and take care. Love, Lisa, Hi, Lisa, Hi, Oh my god? Hello?
Can you hear me? Hi? How are you? I'm good? Awesome. So, Lisa,
where are you living now? I'm living in the Norway,
in the north of Norway, Okay, and I will you
(25:56):
guys are in Spain. Yeah? Cool? So you are contemplating
picking up and moving. Yeah, I'm kind of in a
little of a midlife crisis situation because things hasn't turned
out the way I probably had envisioned for myself being
at this age and time in my life, and I
(26:18):
just think that that's an opportunity to do something completely different,
like I have I don't have kids, I don't have anything,
Like I have a dog that I have to bring
up with me. But apart from that, I'm pretty free
to do things. But at the same time, it feels
kind of scary. I did this move. I mean, I
moved a few times before. I've lived in other countries
(26:39):
before when I was younger, but it was different then
because it was with studies and now it's more like
you have to start all on your own. And and
so you were saying that you're contemplating moving to a
completely new city or back to your hometown. Yeah, I'm
kind of in between right now. And I just found
like this really cute little three house that I might
(27:01):
be able to get here. So everything is at the moment,
it's I have a job interview tomorrow, So it's like
it's a lot of different directions at this moment, and
I'm I'm not really sure what's the best thing to do. Okay,
So you have an opportunity to get a little dream
house where in Oslo here in the north, Okay, and
(27:22):
moving home would be moving to Oslo, is that correct?
That's right? Okay? And the job interview would be in
the north as well. The job interview is in the
one that's now isn't Oslo, And it's a really cool
opportunity for me, actually, and I was really excited to
get this interview, and so that's cool. But at the
same time, there's a lot of things that I don't
(27:44):
want in Oslo, Like I have some really golden friends
and people that I that I miss a lot, and
that would be great to see. But I also feel
after I moved here that I've changed so much and
I've changed perspectives a lot, and I find that maybe
it would be better to just try something completely different. Okay.
And when you say your life hasn't turned out the
(28:06):
way that you thought it would, what do you mean
by that? What did you picture for yourself or envision?
I guess like I've never been the kind of I've
never had, like, oh, I'm gonna get married and have
kids by that, I've never had that kind of thing.
I was really just shocked when people in the early thirties,
when everyone around me was doing that, I was like,
what are we there already? Like I couldn't relate to
(28:27):
it at all, And so I just felt like I
had all the time in the world, and then I
met a guy and suddenly I was like super in love.
It was in my mid thirties and all of that
was suddenly happening for me, and I just felt like,
obviously that's what's going to happen, right, like this is it.
And I was really happy about it. But I was
(28:47):
also I'm sure, which I mean now I'm so so
glad it did not been like it was completely the
wrong guy and everything. But after that I had like
a real like, what the fuck it's going to happen now?
I felt like the train had left the station and
wasn't there even a move to New York in the
picture or somewhere totally fresh and new that you're considering, Yes, exactly,
(29:09):
because I talked to this woman and she was like,
she said, I don't think you should live you know,
a way at all. And I've always heard that I'm
not very in Norwegian, like I've never felt that I've
completely like fit in. For instance, I lived in Italy
and my temperament and my my personality is much more
Italian than Norwegian. With the politics in America, I was
(29:31):
scaring the ship out of me so thatth Nicks and
that's all like tempting, but it seems like there's more
options for women, Like there's so many more lifestyles to explore.
I've always wanted to live there, and that's something to
consider now, right, So yeah, I mean the advantage about
being a foreigner and moving to America is like, you know,
if the politics gets too bad, you can always bounce
(29:54):
out of there. It's not like you're tied down to staying.
I would say, like, I'm always up for an advant
and share and at forty like, if you don't do
it now, you might not do it. So I would
always lean towards like, oh God, take a huge leap
of faith, you know, get do and try something new,
you know, kind of infuse your life with some excitement
that you can really like be excited about. You know,
(30:17):
there's a lot of reasons you don't want to move
back to Oslo. And you'll see what happens with this interview,
and if it becomes a job opportunity, then you know
you'll be considering that more. But I would always I
air on the side of taking a leap of faith,
like I just think that that always yields much more
exciting results than falling into what has worked for you
(30:41):
before or an old pattern or yeah, like going back
home to me doesn't sound like a great move, That
doesn't sound like a new life for or what you're
looking for. And it's always gonna be there, like that's
my home time, like that's where my family lives and
I have friends, and it's always going to be there.
So that's the security about of course living in Scandinavia
(31:04):
or you know, in any Western countries that you can
always go back if things you know don't torn up.
But even just moving to another like up in the
north here it was like under the pandemic and I
didn't know anybody, and people who are really kind of
in the beginning very close off, and it was really
tough because I'm very social person and I've never been
(31:24):
so lonely in my life that I've been up here.
But it's been an amazing experience. So I feel like
if I could do that, then with Americans it seems
like like you're really good at like small talking and
all that, but it's it's a very surface leveled everything.
Is that true? Well, it can be true. I think
it depends on where you are a friend of mine
(31:46):
just moved to New York and he was sort of
in a similar situation where he like always wanted to
move to New York. He turned fifty and he had
a little bit of a health event in the last
year that he was just like, you know what, I
need to get my brain doing stuff that's like brand new,
break out of my mold, create some new neural pathways.
And I've always wanted to do this. So he moved.
(32:08):
And when he did move, he was like, you know what,
every time I go out, I make five new friends
and they're sort of like single serving friends where it's
like super exciting and new. But now he's been there
for three months and he's really becoming like part of
the fabric of the community that he's in. He's calling
up these people that he met and they're going out
and he's sort of like starting to make friends. And
(32:29):
that's only three months in. But New York feels like
a good place for that. If you're like ready to
go have an adventure. I mean, look, you're you're smiling
from ear to ear when you when you talk about
it and we think about it. I think you have
to follow things that make you light up exactly. It's
just so to get constricted when you're like reaching certain
(32:51):
age and you feel like, well, that was what you
did in your twenties or whatever, and it's like, well,
doesn't have to be, you know, it doesn't really, No,
I don't think it does have to be. And you
just already exhibited that you can handle a situation by
moving to the North and not having that social kind
of fabric that you are used to and surviving that.
It's not going to be like that in New York City.
(33:13):
There's just by the sheer volume of people, you're gonna
find people and you'll be able to sort through them
pretty quickly. Like I would say, Yeah, l A can
be is probably much more shallow than New York. There's
a lot more substance there. So while Americans in general,
like as a stereotype, might not have that much depth. Like,
you're always going to find people, you know, you kind
(33:34):
of attract what you are, so like you're gonna find
people who have more to offer than just surface talk,
just by the nature of you having more of that
to offer. Yeah, and forty is so young. It's so young. Yes, No,
I mean you're absolutely in your prime. You seem like
someone who's very open to adventure and seeking adventure, and
(33:57):
I think it would be you would be making yourselves
smaller to do something that feels like it's not the
right choice, to go somewhere where you know, like you said,
all eyes are on you. How are you living your life?
Are you gonna settle down anytime soon? Is sort of
the question that's in the air. I mean, this is
absolutely a time to go have an adventure. Yeah, I'm
gonna go and look at LinkedIn and see what options
(34:19):
there are from me. God, do that, and try and
set up some yeah, try and set up some interviews
and stuff like that so you can keep the ball
rolling in the right direction. Yeah. Yeah. And it's really
cool to take that kind of risk and to take
that kind of chance and to like always act bravely,
you know, because it's a brave action and a bold
notion to pick up and move and good things are
(34:42):
going to happen because of it. Yeah. Right, It's true.
I've never regretted any like risks. I mean, you never
regret the things you do, right, it's the things you
don't do well. It depends. Yeah, Well, Lisa, let us
know how it goes, and what you decide to do,
(35:03):
I will thank you so much, thank you, and just
remember you will be welcomed with open arms if you're
forty and not interested in having children in America. Exactly, exactly,
that's good. Nice to talk to you. To enjoy Spain by,
take care by. Thanks. She's cute. Yeah, she's gonna go
(35:25):
have a fabulous adventure wherever it is. I like how
people think it's forties too late for things. It's like,
we're gonna live till we're sucking eighty, I mean probably longer.
My folks when they were in there, like late fifties,
picked up, took my thirteen year old brother and moved
to Costa Rica for a year. Yes, and they in
(35:45):
their fifties learned Spanish from like not knowing anything. My
little brother started in the language school where they were studying.
He after a couple of months, of course, surpassed the
language school and they were like, what do you think
about enrolling him in regular school here? So he did,
And where were you at this time? I was a
freshman in college. So yeah, so I went off to
(36:06):
college and they abandoned me for Costa Rica. But I
can't blame them because you know I went down for
vacations and yes, yeah, so, I mean it's truly it's
never too late. No, yeah, no, it's never too late. Everybody. Okay, okay,
And our last cult day comes from m she says,
(36:28):
Dear Chelsea, I'm thirty six, and I'm often told that
I'm too intimidating for guys to date me. I have
a small business which has been going pretty well over
the years and has given me financial stability and independence,
and I guess also confidence in my field of work. However,
shortly before the pandemic started, I ended a long term relationship.
Among other issues we had, he was quite bothered with
(36:48):
my career and would often let me know directly or
in a passive aggressive way that he didn't feel needed
because I didn't require support. As he would often put it,
for him, support meant being a provider. He was right
about that, as I really didn't need a provider. I
needed a partner on equal footing. After that relationship ended,
I've dated a few guys, but the issue has reappeared
(37:10):
time and again. I've noticed guys are put off by
my career and don't like my independence. I know that
it's their own insecurity, and I don't intend to apologize
for my success because it's taken a lot of effort
to get here. So my question for you is, how
do I find guys that will not be insecure like
that and we'll be willing to take on a relationship
of equals. I feel like the patriarchy is so deep
(37:30):
rooted and I don't fit the standards guys are used
to and feel comfortable with. So essentially I'm screwed. What's
your thought on this? Thank you? And I love the
podcast best. From across the Pond? Um hi, um, hi there, Hi,
how are you? I'm really well, thank you. It's lovely
to meet you guys next to me. Where you so
(37:53):
really across the pond? Oh wow, I've never been to Poland,
Oh you should, well, crack I was really beautiful, So
that's what I hear. Yeah, I hear, crac Yeah are
you Polish? Are you American? Oh? Oh god, I thought
you sent it American? Okay. I was like, wait, is
that a compliment them? Well, yeah, no, I understand what
(38:16):
you mean. I've I've experienced that my whole life, you know,
men being intimidated by me or turned off by me,
you know, they like I think they do get turned off.
I don't know that there's much you can do about
it other than try to like own your own self
esteem and your own like, you know, knowing that it's
not necessary. Obviously you want to find a partner, but
it's not necessary to find a partner. And as long
(38:38):
as you have the line of thinking that you have
to find one, I always find that to be a
little bit more limiting than being open to the possibility
that you may not need one, even if that's not
what you're looking for. It's like it's better just to
not have a need for that, you know. And I
think once you kind of let go of that need
to partner up with somebody, I feel like more opportu
(39:00):
tunities seem to present themselves. Yeah, yeah, I know, I
get what you're saying. I I also will say I
don't really date that much. And it's sometimes sometimes I
get the feeling that maybe it's because I'm not very girly,
you know, like I don't do the whole like betting
my eyelashes and being like alerty I guess in a
very girly way, so that sometimes maybe is I don't know.
(39:23):
Maybe I'm not that approachable. Sometimes I'm kind of doubting
myself as to how I act around guys or although
I do feel confident in approaching them or talking to them,
but I'm not girly and that say yeah, yeah, But
I don't think that's something that you want to change,
you know what I mean, Because that's like almost putting
on an affectation. I've been told that so many times,
like you don't know how to flirt, or you're not yeah,
(39:45):
exactly the same notes that you're talking about. People have
given me, And I'm like, well, that's not who I am.
That would be like fake, and I that's the one
thing that I do not. I can't be fake. I
can't pretend to be something that I'm not. So I
would stay true to who you are and kind of
like let go, you know what I mean. Believe that
your person is coming, and it's probably not going to
(40:06):
be in the time frame that you would desire, but
to believe that and just let it go and continue
to be who you are and stand in your real
power of like being a strong, opinionated woman, and some
guy is going to love that and love you for
all of those things and he's not going to want
to change anything about you. Yeah, that's the dream. Yeah,
(40:29):
and those dreams become a reality for so many people,
you know, and it can be true for you too.
It's a matter of just not holding onto this idea
of something so much and twisting and shaping yourself to
meet someone else's needs. Like that's unnecessary. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I know, I know what you mean. Also, that's the
way I'm telling myself constantly, because I also I don't
(40:50):
want to be like hung up on the idea of
trying to find a partner just for the sake of
finding one that that doesn't work either, So I'm just
kind of trying to go with the flow. But but
it is sometimes kind of you know, like it it
gets into my head like am I doing something wrong
or is it just the world that it's just you know,
not there for me yet. Yeah, I don't think you're
(41:10):
doing anything wrong, you know. I mean, honestly, so many
women have this issue, and it's like the world is
always in a weird place, and we're definitely in a
weird place. People are weird after COVID. Just I think
things like this come to you when when you take
the pressure off of yourself, and so I think that
would be your takeaway. Stop putting so much pressure on
the situation and stop second guessing yourself. You know what
(41:34):
I mean. You have a life, live it, enjoy the
people that are in it, and be open to, you know,
the possibility of meeting somebody in a situation that may
not be the most typical one or you know, just
keep your eyes and ears open and as long as
your heart is open and your mind is open, things
will come to you. Yeah. That's that's that's hopefully what's
(41:55):
what's going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. And this, you know,
this idea of like I need to be cutatious or
I need to be you know, batting my eyelashes. That's
sort of playing into these gender roles and stereotypes that
are exactly not what you're into, not what you're going after.
You know. The kinds of guys who will respond to
that and not just like WHOA, she's so smart, she's
(42:15):
so fun Like she's so cool to be around. Those
kind of guys are the guys who want to be
the be the hero and you know, need to be
supporting you sort of thing. So and I think Chelsea
said this on the podcast before. But you know, if
if you're not finding the right guy, you're finding these
kinds of guys who feel like they need to be
in control or they need to have, you know, a
(42:36):
heightened power dynamic with you in a relationship, then you
just haven't found the right guy yet. Yeah, and it
might be you know, I don't know. What do you
think it's a little bit of a cultural thing as well.
I don't because I've I've dated people from all over,
like it was with a guy from Spain, but I
did the Polish guys, I did the British guy, So
(42:57):
I kind of find the same thing every time. Yeah,
m hmmmmmm. I mean guys everywhere a little bit like this.
I mean a lot of guys. Are you on dating
websites and stuff like that? Is that how you do
the thing? Is that I hate the dating websites or
apps or I don't. I don't know. I just I
don't find myself in you know, like just putting a
(43:19):
picture and saying yeah, hi, that's just me. I don't know,
I don't That's not how I like to meet people.
So you got guys to like, um, acquaintances of like
or like former co workers or like just people that
I've hung out with, and then I kind of felt
the connection. So that's kind of my style of dating.
And but yeah, maybe the dating apps or the next
thing to explore, I don't know. And how old are you?
(43:42):
I just turned forty seven, okay, And so you've been
in a few long term relationships. Well, it was the
one like really long term one really, and then I
just dated for like maybe several months, but not not
too seriously. Like the one serious was the one that
ended when COVID started. So yeah, mm hmmmm mmmm, Okay,
(44:03):
Well that's good. I think you're gonna be just fine,
you know what I mean. I think it's just like relax.
Like people get a little bit like, yeah, they get
a little bit of anxiety related to dating into meeting
the right person and all of that, and it's just
too much pressure to put yourself under earth and it
doesn't yield good results anyway. You know, you get into
a situation where you almost start to feel a little
(44:25):
bit desperate, and you don't want to feel that way.
You know, you want to give off the good vibes,
not the desperate vibes and you're not desperate, so you know,
you don't have to feel that way in any way,
shape or form. Yeah. I think it's also like my family.
My parents never hint on the fact that I don't
have a partner, but then like the aunts and uncle,
uncles and my cousins are sometimes like, why are you
(44:46):
going to bring someone home like for Christmas or something,
And I'm like, well, you know, if there's someone to
bring the chore, but you know, yeah, I wouldn't worry
about anything that anybody else says anyway, So just ignore that. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what that's not doing. Yeah. I do think it's
a little bit of a numbers game, right, The more
people you meet, the more likelihood that you're going to
(45:07):
meet the one. Dating apps, I don't have a lot
of personal experience with them, but one of the best
stories that I have heard my sister in law, my
now sister in law, she came back from visiting her
cousins in Ireland and they all were like, you're about
to turn thirty, you know, you don't have a man,
blah blah blah, and she was so pissed at them
that she went like signed up for a dating app,
(45:28):
and she just decided to go on every first date.
So she this was my favorite thing that she did.
She had three date outfits. She had a first date outfit,
a second date outfit, and a third date outfit, so
that she would not be repeating the same outfits for
like a first and a second date with a guy.
She said, by the time she met her now husband
(45:48):
my brother in law, her first date outfit was rags.
It was just like absolutely ragged. But she was like,
I went out on lunch dates, I went on on
dinner dates, sometimes two in a day. But she just
made it her job for I think it was about
six months and she met the guy. You know, they
both were like, wait, why are you single? Oh my gosh,
I can't believe you're still single, Like you're still out there.
It's like that person who is your wonderful match is
(46:11):
definitely out there. Yeah wow, Yeah, that's that's very encouraging.
Whether it's on apps or whether it's going and finding
a meet up group, joining some group that likes to
go to museums, whatever it is that might yield an
older crowd, but you know, different groups where you can
meet people. I think make it a numbers game and
you will find the one. Yeah, thank you guys. That's
(46:33):
like she really helps look wonderful. Well, let us know
how it goes. Okay, Marta, thank you so much. Right
bye bye, Marta. Think here and thank you guys. Okay, well, Chelsea,
with that, I think we have to take another break
and we'll come back. We will be right back. And
we're back. And we're back. We're back. We're back from Marca. Everybody,
(46:58):
We're in Maorca. We're back in my worka. We thought
about opening the windows so you could hear the waves.
I can hear the waves outside. It feels like we
can hear them, so maybe that our listeners can also
hear them. I know. Well, I have a quick update
from one of our recent callers, Chelsea. I'm pretty excited
(47:19):
to tell you this. I received an Instagram d M
from a listener that says, Hi, Katherine. A bit of
an atypical request. He says, just listen to today's episode.
Noah the Queer Historian sounds like a true dream of
a man. I'm a sex positive gay man with a
love of nerd culture and luckily, a kinky top for
his kinky bottom needs. Aside from all that, Noah's intellect
(47:43):
really stood out to me. Any chance you can pass
my Instagram onto him? I know Matchmaker isn't part of
your producing responsibilities, but I figured there are appropriate rules
around privacy for those who call in. Assuming the only
way we could connect is if he checks out my socials,
please feel free to pass them along. Thanks. Kath a
huge fan of the podcast. So I responded, I let
(48:04):
him know that I would pass on his socials and
and Noah said, and this was from the Ross episode,
by the way, for those of you who want to
go check this out, he said, Thanks Catherine, I appreciate
it he reached out to me. Also, turns out queer
historian plus Noah plus Minneapolis narrows the search. If any
more reach out fingers crossed, feel free to send them
(48:25):
to my instad ms at Liberal Arts Major. I'm happy
to receive my own suitors instead of you dealing with them.
So you know what, we might have a love connection, Chelsea. Well,
you'd better give out your Instagram handle to all of
our listeners who are trying to hook up after they
hear an episode. You can find me at cath Elizabeth
on Instagram and yeah, let me know if you if
(48:46):
you need to be hooked up with a lovely caller
who's intellect a caller anything. Really. I love that he
was asking, like, how do I meet a guy to
even start a long distance relationship because I'm open to that.
Well apparently right into a podcast, right right, that'd be
great if they hooked up. I know. I just like,
I really need to be invited to this wedding to
(49:08):
ask for an update. Also as please let us know
how it goes. I know they are in different cities,
so you know when and if that visit happens. Please
let us the kinky bottom was in Minneapolis? Where was
the other guy from other guys from I want to
say Colorado. I think he just moved, but you know what,
planes happen, Planes exist, he can, he can move to
Minneapolis and game of one guy that he hasn't met
(49:30):
in Minneapolis. That was his big complaint. Hopefully Colorado needs
some queer art historians, so I keep saying art. I
don't think I was part of some queer historians que Okay, Well,
our wrap up is that we are headed back to
Undos Estados in a few short days. We're gonna go
get you some chat lag. Yeah, we're gonna go. I
(49:51):
have yeah ordering up some jat LAG and I'll see
everybody at my shows in the fall. Amazing. Thanks Chelsea,
and thanks for inviting me to the beautiful place. Oh
my god, my pleasure. All right, we'll see you guys
next time. Bye bye. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea,
just send us an email at Dear Chelsea project at
gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of I
(50:14):
Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stump, produced by Catherine Law,
and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.
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