May 30, 2025 • 15 mins
Chelsea and Catherine do couples counseling with a wife whose husband has “penis fingers”.
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea hand job, where we
do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Welcome to my office.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hi Catherine, Hello Chelsea. Welcome to many Nugget episodes.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Doing a little couples counseling today.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
I love it. Let's go.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
We have actually a little update from Heather, who we
I don't think we talked to her. I think this
was just an email, but was from the Celeste Barber episode.
She had found out her husband was cheating with a
sex worker. He was the one that tried to blame
the kids for the missing makeup sort of thing, and
she was sort of like, what do I tell clients
and other people who are like, why are you getting
(00:43):
to vor Rest? You know, she wanted to tell them why.
So she says, Hello, I'm writing to give you an update.
I just heard this email read on the Celeste Barber
episode on the one year anniversary of.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
The Prostitute visit.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
The advice, as always is spot on on a.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Whole new chapter.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
And I've been brutally honest with some people and some
people still don't know. But regardless it's my story to
tell on my own terms. I can't believe I listened
to this on the anniversary of it. All the universe
is amazing. Thank you for all the good vibes you
keep putting out there and for encouraging the rest of
us to do the same. It certainly works.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Heather, that's sweet. You know what I forgot to tell you?
Did I tell you this?
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I don't know?
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
So remember there was an episode of this woman who
called in. This was a couple of years ago, and
she had a sister who had Down syndrome, and she
her mother had their parents died I think or something, yes,
I remember, and she was deliberating what to do about
her sister, if she should have her sister move in
with her, or if she should put her sister in
(01:44):
a facility that could take care of her.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
She was kind of trying to start dating, sort of
things like how am I going to meet a man?
Like if I have my sister to take care of.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
So I bumped into this woman in Squamish Vancouver like
or British Columbia.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I should say, it's on the way to Whistler.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
I bumped into this woman with her sister, and she
I've bumped into her now twice. So the first time
I bumped into her, I was like, she goes, oh,
I actually called into your podcast. And I looked at
her sister, because her sister is very very obviously has
Down syndrome, and she has this big personality.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
She's very funny and joyful.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And I said, I know exactly who you are. You
called me about your sister, and she's like, I can't
believe you can remember that.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I'm like me fucking neither. I mean all I hear about.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
From my team of people that work with me, well
from two specifically their names are Karen and Mollie. Oh no,
Actually Karen knows that I have a memory like a
steel trap. But you know, there are certain things I
remember and certain things I don't give a shit about.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Yeah, yeah, but I remember.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
And I was like, and so she took my, you know,
my advice to come in and live with her sister.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
And then I ran into her again this past weekend and.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
I was having lunch and squamish with one of my
poopsis and she said she was like, like, oh, she's
getting older and she's got early stages of some of
like little dementia and I said, oh my god, I
didn't realize. I said, how, like, are you happy that
you made this decision?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Like, are you happy that you took my advice?
Speaker 1 (03:14):
And she said, I'm now worried about her having dementia,
like I want more time with her.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I want more time with her.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
And she's like in her forties and she's like, I
don't know if she's losing it or if she's not
going to remember any of this stuff. And it was
like a brief interlude, but it was really just so.
And her sister is this bright ray of sunshine. Of course,
you know, anyone with Down syndrome is so special, like
they exude this just joyfulness. And I know it's a
lot of work for the caretakers, but it must be so.
(03:43):
And a man who works for me at my house,
he has a son who has Down syndrome, and I
just found that out recently, and I was like, oh
my god, what a gift, you know, because they are
they're like being truly a joyfulness.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Truly.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
We have in our family someone who's sort of an
adopted like uncle figure, Michael Sarah, and he's always been
in our family. He comes to every like holiday. We
always see him at church, and he's like always so happy.
He like gets what he needs if he needs a
ride somewhere. He's like good at asking for what he is.
But he's like a greeter at church. He like has
jobs and he's always like a greeter or like doing
(04:16):
something fun. He's just like a They're all just like
a ray of sunshine.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Yeah, yeah, I really really yeah, I love that. Yeah,
I'm so glad you told me that.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
I know.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I forgot to tell you. I was just sold. Now
I know them like I would see them out. I'm like, okay, yeah, well.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
That's so good. That's so good. Well, we have a
much sillier question some couples counseling to do so Janet
and Bill are calling in. Janet says, Dear Chelsea, my
husband touches his penis all the time, when he watches TV,
when he talks on the phone, when he drives. He
(04:55):
denies that he does. However, I call him out on
it all the time. I have nicknamed him peenis fingers.
He is a fifty five year old professional and he
does it subconsciously. I'm afraid he's doing it at work too.
When meeting with colleagues and clients. Can we meet with
you to discuss Attached are two images of two different
pairs of blue jeans. Please notice the location of the
(05:16):
fade marks things.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
So he okay, okay, this is thank you for this,
this Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
It's like we're at It's like we're at the people's court.
You guys, Yes, I love it. Okay, Hi guys, Hi,
hello there, Hi, Penis toucher.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Oh my god, So wait, this is over the pants,
Penis Toucher.
Speaker 5 (05:36):
I have a defense ultimately, but we can get to
that part of the case when you're ready.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Okay, no, no, I'm ready, I'm ready. We're ready, as
Domos Listo's.
Speaker 5 (05:44):
So the obviously you saw the evidence, the submission by
my wife, and she's right, absolutely right. In fact, I
didn't really know what that little fade mark was. She
always kind of led me to believe, because she's so sweet,
that it was because of the force of the girth.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
The magnitude of your penis.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Yeah, the magnitude of your flaccid penis and your pants
you mean.
Speaker 5 (06:03):
Well, but you know, but certainly you know I would
sometimes get you know, anyway, So My point is the
backforth wasn't included in this, which was ten years ago.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I had hail to do with any of it.
Speaker 6 (06:16):
I've known this man for twenty five years. We would
be sitting at a restaurant.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
Specifically, I have a memory of sitting at a restaurant
down in Venice Beach and his entire arm went down
his pants to his elbow just to move everything around.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Yeah, full a jester all the time.
Speaker 5 (06:37):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
True, What here is it?
Speaker 5 (06:38):
I don't there's a certain way that it sits. I'd
like it to go to the right and not the left. Sure,
just when it's when it's sitting to left, it just
starts to really doesn't.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
That doesn't matter. You're touching in front of excuse.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Me, your honor, excuse me.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
She's she First of all, she's absolutely right. No one
wants to see that, No one, no one. You're you're
putting your own personal needs above the entire universe. You
think that you have, Like if I want to think,
think about what you're saying. If I want to put
my if my if I don't like the way my beaver,
(07:12):
I could say the same thing. We have two sides
to our vagina too. We have the right labia and
we have the left labia.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
My genes.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
If my genes don't fall perfectly in the middle, I'm
uncomfortable too, But I'm not adjusting my labia.
Speaker 5 (07:26):
Well, my point is you can't.
Speaker 6 (07:29):
I would, I.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Would know you would be fine with it, But that's
not the point. Most people wouldn't. So we're not just
pleasing like ourselves and one other person. When you're out,
you're you're gonna get in trouble, is what's gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
You are because.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Someone's really not gonna like it, and then they're gonna
fucking be pissed. And you're what if you're in a
work setting, I'm sure you've done that.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
So does not think that he does that. That was
my concern is that he will be in his office
here talking on the phone, touching it, moving it around.
And I said, well, Bill, when you're at your office,
you do it subconsciously.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
You have got to stop.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
You're making your clients and your colleagues feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Yeah, you have to retrain your brain. Bill, It's not
gonna take long. And first of all, you have to
stop being defensive about it, because you're wrong. Yeah, you're wrong,
and she's right, Like nobody. You can't put your hand
down your pants. I thought you were doing it over
your pants, and I.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Am doing it.
Speaker 4 (08:25):
Just did it right now.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
We're gonna have to get you like one of those
little dog collars that zaps you every.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Single time you touch it with a remote.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Yeah, you're gonna have to do something to retrain your
brain because it's like a neural pathway thing. You've gotten
so deep into it that you don't even know you're
doing it.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
What kind of underwear are you wearing? Do you wear
boxer shorts?
Speaker 5 (08:49):
I wear the brief box for briefs.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Okay, can you tape your penis to the side of it?
Speaker 5 (08:54):
I was what's funny I was thinking about this. What
I was thinking, I wonder if she's gonna cope with
a good solution? Was recently since this, I was thinking,
is there a way for me to, like you said,
tape it over or so some sort of special pocket.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I think what you need to do, and I'm not joking.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
I think you need to get like an elastic band,
Like you take an elastic band from like a pair
of sweatpants, put it around underneath your jeans. This is
only a temporary This is only gonna be temporary because
once your brain starts to rewire itself, you're not gonna
do this. But you need to get like an elastic
band from a pair of sweatpants that's tight around it,
so that you not too tight, so that you're cutting
(09:28):
off your penis circulation. Because I know how important your
penis is to you, and I'm sure and how important
it is to your wife. I mean getting less and
less important by the day. But you tape just elastic
band your penis where you want it, so then even
when you go to do it, you're gonna go, oh wait,
it's already in the spot because you're doing it subconsciously
at this point.
Speaker 5 (09:49):
So it's sort of a goomonic device.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Yes, yes, unless you want us to zap you. I mean,
this is the first This is gonna be the first.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Avenue that we explore. Yeah, put an elastic band and
you're not too tight.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
You don't want to hurt yourself, but just to put
everything where you want it to be, okay, and then
when you go to adjust it after like six, seven,
eight times, you're going to realize you don't have to
because it's already there. So that's helping everyone. You're helping
the world by helping yourself.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
And I guarantee, like with everything that's on the internet
right now, there are like dressed to the left, dressed
to the right underwear, and.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
I'm sure you can find that.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Yeah, it really might be as simple as that, or
as like changing the style.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Of jeans you're wearing.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
So it's like going the right direction, but a couple
of other things just to break yourself of the subconscious
habit is. You know some people swear by the like
on your wrist, you have like a rubber band rule
where you just like snap it every time you catch
yourself or are caught.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
I don't trust built. I don't trust Bill to do that.
I already don't trust Bill to do that. Listen, Bill,
I don't want to shame you because I also have
a really bad habit of picking my nose when I'm alone.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Like I do it's so subconscious.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Like my sisters when I was growing up would be like,
get your fucking finger out of your nose, And it's
there's something about when I'm driving that I just want
my finger in my nose. And so many people pointed out,
like are you picking your nose? And it's always in
a car, And I finally, I really had to just
really be as conscientious about it as possible, Like nobody
(11:16):
wants to see me picking my nose, even if I'm
alone in my car, Like then it's a personal decision,
but doing it alone in my car perpetuates the motion,
the subconscious behavior. So I've stopped doing that, Like I
pick my nose in a bathroom with a tissue now
like a real person, because it's disgusting.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
And because when I'm picking my nose in my car,
where are the boogers going? Everyone knows where they're going,
and that's not you know what I mean. That's disgusting too.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
So like if I'm on a plane, even if I
think about picking my nose, now I get up, I
go to the bathroom and I pick my nose in
privacy and.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
With the poshm. Yes, because it was pointed out to me.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
And I want to make and as like a human
member of society, I want to do my best, and Bill,
I want you to do your best, yes, because this
isn't it, This isn't.
Speaker 5 (12:03):
It No exactly, people would say, I'm not like a
selfish person that we going. I'm a pretty nice person,
but this is your right. I hadn't thought about it
as a habit, like picking your nose in public, because
even if it's like your choice to do that, it's
like you're still affecting others around you. And I hadn't
thought of it from that perspective.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Yes, and your action as actually could be taken as
like a sexual you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah, And you don't want that. You don't want any
of that noise, like if you do that in front
of the wol zones or anything. Well, what you don't know?
You that you don't you probably do? You know you're
doing it. You don't even know you're doing it.
Speaker 4 (12:34):
I mentioned it to my twenty three year old daughter yesterday.
I'm like, hey, so I'm kind of embarrassed to tell
you this because I'm sure you've never noticed. But Bill
does this, and she goes, oh, yeah, I noticed it
all the time.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
He adjusts it all the time, which makes me think
he is.
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Adjusting it between in front of her and all of
her twenty three year old friends.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
Yeah, you, Bill, you probably are. So take a day.
Take a day, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Feel your shame.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
And then let's come out tomorrow like a new and
improved Bill.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
This is this is beneath you.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Bill.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Now I want to echo something that you said to
Chelsea because I found some like therapeutic steps to take,
which is kind of exactly what you did with the
nose picking.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
But it's a three step process called.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Alert, avert and affirm. So you alert, you become alert
to the behavior, you realize you're doing it or already
died of a wife tells you you're doing.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
You're alerted already, John check.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
And then you redirect avert is redirect the behavior, so
maybe you know, crack your knuckles, maybe like you do
something else with your hands, that's like fine.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
And then also affirm yourself.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
You're not a bad person for adjusting yourself. You just
don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Alert, avert, affirm.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Bill.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I would like to thank you very much.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Yeah, I would like to thank you guys for this
upbeat call because this is a very this is a
pleasure of my morning.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
This is entertaining. And Bill, you're a brave man.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
To come on this podcast and allow your wife to that.
That means you are a good man and you want
to do better.
Speaker 5 (14:01):
If I had the support of environment and some of
these tools that you with you two instead of which,
for shame, I probably would make more.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Okay, well, now you have all three of us, so
you're ready to get.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Exactly And for listeners out there, this is the kind
of call we love to.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yes, please, yes, we like this kind of horseship. Okay,
so we want an update.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Okay, will you give us an update in a few weeks,
let us know how things are going.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
You're gonna be happier, Bill, I promise.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
I'm going to buy a compair of jeans just for
this occasion and then show you in like six months
that it hasn't been worn down.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Or buy a sport so that you can't even access it,
or that you don't want to. Oh no, then he'll
go in under day forget it, never mind, never mind
forget that.
Speaker 5 (14:40):
Probably I didn't know that was an option.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
DELI delete all right, thanks, thanks, bye.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Guys, have a great day. Bye bye guy. Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
My remaining dates for Vegas, There are remaining dates for
this year. Summertime is coming and I will be a
in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth.
We will be the next date that I'm there July fifth,
August thirtieth.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
And then November one and twenty ninth.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
November first and November twenty ninth, I will be in
Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay,
thank you.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea pod.
Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
producer Catherine law And be sure to check out our
merch at Chelseahandler dot com
Welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea hand job, where we
do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Welcome to my office.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hi Catherine, Hello Chelsea. Welcome to many Nugget episodes.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Doing a little couples counseling today.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
I love it. Let's go.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
We have actually a little update from Heather, who we
I don't think we talked to her. I think this
was just an email, but was from the Celeste Barber episode.
She had found out her husband was cheating with a
sex worker. He was the one that tried to blame
the kids for the missing makeup sort of thing, and
she was sort of like, what do I tell clients
and other people who are like, why are you getting
(00:43):
to vor Rest? You know, she wanted to tell them why.
So she says, Hello, I'm writing to give you an update.
I just heard this email read on the Celeste Barber
episode on the one year anniversary of.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
The Prostitute visit.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
The advice, as always is spot on on a.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Whole new chapter.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
And I've been brutally honest with some people and some
people still don't know. But regardless it's my story to
tell on my own terms. I can't believe I listened
to this on the anniversary of it. All the universe
is amazing. Thank you for all the good vibes you
keep putting out there and for encouraging the rest of
us to do the same. It certainly works.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Heather, that's sweet. You know what I forgot to tell you?
Did I tell you this?
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I don't know?
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
So remember there was an episode of this woman who
called in. This was a couple of years ago, and
she had a sister who had Down syndrome, and she
her mother had their parents died I think or something, yes,
I remember, and she was deliberating what to do about
her sister, if she should have her sister move in
with her, or if she should put her sister in
(01:44):
a facility that could take care of her.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
She was kind of trying to start dating, sort of
things like how am I going to meet a man?
Like if I have my sister to take care of.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
So I bumped into this woman in Squamish Vancouver like
or British Columbia.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I should say, it's on the way to Whistler.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
I bumped into this woman with her sister, and she
I've bumped into her now twice. So the first time
I bumped into her, I was like, she goes, oh,
I actually called into your podcast. And I looked at
her sister, because her sister is very very obviously has
Down syndrome, and she has this big personality.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
She's very funny and joyful.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And I said, I know exactly who you are. You
called me about your sister, and she's like, I can't
believe you can remember that.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I'm like me fucking neither. I mean all I hear about.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
From my team of people that work with me, well
from two specifically their names are Karen and Mollie. Oh no,
Actually Karen knows that I have a memory like a
steel trap. But you know, there are certain things I
remember and certain things I don't give a shit about.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Yeah, yeah, but I remember.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
And I was like, and so she took my, you know,
my advice to come in and live with her sister.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
And then I ran into her again this past weekend and.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
I was having lunch and squamish with one of my
poopsis and she said she was like, like, oh, she's
getting older and she's got early stages of some of
like little dementia and I said, oh my god, I
didn't realize. I said, how, like, are you happy that
you made this decision?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Like, are you happy that you took my advice?
Speaker 1 (03:14):
And she said, I'm now worried about her having dementia,
like I want more time with her.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I want more time with her.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
And she's like in her forties and she's like, I
don't know if she's losing it or if she's not
going to remember any of this stuff. And it was
like a brief interlude, but it was really just so.
And her sister is this bright ray of sunshine. Of course,
you know, anyone with Down syndrome is so special, like
they exude this just joyfulness. And I know it's a
lot of work for the caretakers, but it must be so.
(03:43):
And a man who works for me at my house,
he has a son who has Down syndrome, and I
just found that out recently, and I was like, oh
my god, what a gift, you know, because they are
they're like being truly a joyfulness.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Truly.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
We have in our family someone who's sort of an
adopted like uncle figure, Michael Sarah, and he's always been
in our family. He comes to every like holiday. We
always see him at church, and he's like always so happy.
He like gets what he needs if he needs a
ride somewhere. He's like good at asking for what he is.
But he's like a greeter at church. He like has
jobs and he's always like a greeter or like doing
(04:16):
something fun. He's just like a They're all just like
a ray of sunshine.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Yeah, yeah, I really really yeah, I love that. Yeah,
I'm so glad you told me that.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
I know.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I forgot to tell you. I was just sold. Now
I know them like I would see them out. I'm like, okay, yeah, well.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
That's so good. That's so good. Well, we have a
much sillier question some couples counseling to do so Janet
and Bill are calling in. Janet says, Dear Chelsea, my
husband touches his penis all the time, when he watches TV,
when he talks on the phone, when he drives. He
(04:55):
denies that he does. However, I call him out on
it all the time. I have nicknamed him peenis fingers.
He is a fifty five year old professional and he
does it subconsciously. I'm afraid he's doing it at work too.
When meeting with colleagues and clients. Can we meet with
you to discuss Attached are two images of two different
pairs of blue jeans. Please notice the location of the
(05:16):
fade marks things.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
So he okay, okay, this is thank you for this,
this Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
It's like we're at It's like we're at the people's court.
You guys, Yes, I love it. Okay, Hi guys, Hi,
hello there, Hi, Penis toucher.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Oh my god, So wait, this is over the pants,
Penis Toucher.
Speaker 5 (05:36):
I have a defense ultimately, but we can get to
that part of the case when you're ready.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Okay, no, no, I'm ready, I'm ready. We're ready, as
Domos Listo's.
Speaker 5 (05:44):
So the obviously you saw the evidence, the submission by
my wife, and she's right, absolutely right. In fact, I
didn't really know what that little fade mark was. She
always kind of led me to believe, because she's so sweet,
that it was because of the force of the girth.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
The magnitude of your penis.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Yeah, the magnitude of your flaccid penis and your pants
you mean.
Speaker 5 (06:03):
Well, but you know, but certainly you know I would
sometimes get you know, anyway, So My point is the
backforth wasn't included in this, which was ten years ago.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I had hail to do with any of it.
Speaker 6 (06:16):
I've known this man for twenty five years. We would
be sitting at a restaurant.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
Specifically, I have a memory of sitting at a restaurant
down in Venice Beach and his entire arm went down
his pants to his elbow just to move everything around.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Yeah, full a jester all the time.
Speaker 5 (06:37):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
True, What here is it?
Speaker 5 (06:38):
I don't there's a certain way that it sits. I'd
like it to go to the right and not the left. Sure,
just when it's when it's sitting to left, it just
starts to really doesn't.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
That doesn't matter. You're touching in front of excuse.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Me, your honor, excuse me.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
She's she First of all, she's absolutely right. No one
wants to see that, No one, no one. You're you're
putting your own personal needs above the entire universe. You
think that you have, Like if I want to think,
think about what you're saying. If I want to put
my if my if I don't like the way my beaver,
(07:12):
I could say the same thing. We have two sides
to our vagina too. We have the right labia and
we have the left labia.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
My genes.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
If my genes don't fall perfectly in the middle, I'm
uncomfortable too, But I'm not adjusting my labia.
Speaker 5 (07:26):
Well, my point is you can't.
Speaker 6 (07:29):
I would, I.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Would know you would be fine with it, But that's
not the point. Most people wouldn't. So we're not just
pleasing like ourselves and one other person. When you're out,
you're you're gonna get in trouble, is what's gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
You are because.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Someone's really not gonna like it, and then they're gonna
fucking be pissed. And you're what if you're in a
work setting, I'm sure you've done that.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
So does not think that he does that. That was
my concern is that he will be in his office
here talking on the phone, touching it, moving it around.
And I said, well, Bill, when you're at your office,
you do it subconsciously.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
You have got to stop.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
You're making your clients and your colleagues feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Yeah, you have to retrain your brain. Bill, It's not
gonna take long. And first of all, you have to
stop being defensive about it, because you're wrong. Yeah, you're wrong,
and she's right, Like nobody. You can't put your hand
down your pants. I thought you were doing it over
your pants, and I.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Am doing it.
Speaker 4 (08:25):
Just did it right now.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
We're gonna have to get you like one of those
little dog collars that zaps you every.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Single time you touch it with a remote.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Yeah, you're gonna have to do something to retrain your
brain because it's like a neural pathway thing. You've gotten
so deep into it that you don't even know you're
doing it.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
What kind of underwear are you wearing? Do you wear
boxer shorts?
Speaker 5 (08:49):
I wear the brief box for briefs.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Okay, can you tape your penis to the side of it?
Speaker 5 (08:54):
I was what's funny I was thinking about this. What
I was thinking, I wonder if she's gonna cope with
a good solution? Was recently since this, I was thinking,
is there a way for me to, like you said,
tape it over or so some sort of special pocket.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I think what you need to do, and I'm not joking.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
I think you need to get like an elastic band,
Like you take an elastic band from like a pair
of sweatpants, put it around underneath your jeans. This is
only a temporary This is only gonna be temporary because
once your brain starts to rewire itself, you're not gonna
do this. But you need to get like an elastic
band from a pair of sweatpants that's tight around it,
so that you not too tight, so that you're cutting
(09:28):
off your penis circulation. Because I know how important your
penis is to you, and I'm sure and how important
it is to your wife. I mean getting less and
less important by the day. But you tape just elastic
band your penis where you want it, so then even
when you go to do it, you're gonna go, oh wait,
it's already in the spot because you're doing it subconsciously
at this point.
Speaker 5 (09:49):
So it's sort of a goomonic device.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Yes, yes, unless you want us to zap you. I mean,
this is the first This is gonna be the first.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Avenue that we explore. Yeah, put an elastic band and
you're not too tight.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
You don't want to hurt yourself, but just to put
everything where you want it to be, okay, and then
when you go to adjust it after like six, seven,
eight times, you're going to realize you don't have to
because it's already there. So that's helping everyone. You're helping
the world by helping yourself.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
And I guarantee, like with everything that's on the internet
right now, there are like dressed to the left, dressed
to the right underwear, and.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
I'm sure you can find that.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Yeah, it really might be as simple as that, or
as like changing the style.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Of jeans you're wearing.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
So it's like going the right direction, but a couple
of other things just to break yourself of the subconscious
habit is. You know some people swear by the like
on your wrist, you have like a rubber band rule
where you just like snap it every time you catch
yourself or are caught.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
I don't trust built. I don't trust Bill to do that.
I already don't trust Bill to do that. Listen, Bill,
I don't want to shame you because I also have
a really bad habit of picking my nose when I'm alone.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Like I do it's so subconscious.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Like my sisters when I was growing up would be like,
get your fucking finger out of your nose, And it's
there's something about when I'm driving that I just want
my finger in my nose. And so many people pointed out,
like are you picking your nose? And it's always in
a car, And I finally, I really had to just
really be as conscientious about it as possible, Like nobody
(11:16):
wants to see me picking my nose, even if I'm
alone in my car, Like then it's a personal decision,
but doing it alone in my car perpetuates the motion,
the subconscious behavior. So I've stopped doing that, Like I
pick my nose in a bathroom with a tissue now
like a real person, because it's disgusting.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
And because when I'm picking my nose in my car,
where are the boogers going? Everyone knows where they're going,
and that's not you know what I mean. That's disgusting too.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
So like if I'm on a plane, even if I
think about picking my nose, now I get up, I
go to the bathroom and I pick my nose in
privacy and.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
With the poshm. Yes, because it was pointed out to me.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
And I want to make and as like a human
member of society, I want to do my best, and Bill,
I want you to do your best, yes, because this
isn't it, This isn't.
Speaker 5 (12:03):
It No exactly, people would say, I'm not like a
selfish person that we going. I'm a pretty nice person,
but this is your right. I hadn't thought about it
as a habit, like picking your nose in public, because
even if it's like your choice to do that, it's
like you're still affecting others around you. And I hadn't
thought of it from that perspective.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Yes, and your action as actually could be taken as
like a sexual you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah, And you don't want that. You don't want any
of that noise, like if you do that in front
of the wol zones or anything. Well, what you don't know?
You that you don't you probably do? You know you're
doing it. You don't even know you're doing it.
Speaker 4 (12:34):
I mentioned it to my twenty three year old daughter yesterday.
I'm like, hey, so I'm kind of embarrassed to tell
you this because I'm sure you've never noticed. But Bill
does this, and she goes, oh, yeah, I noticed it
all the time.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
He adjusts it all the time, which makes me think
he is.
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Adjusting it between in front of her and all of
her twenty three year old friends.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
Yeah, you, Bill, you probably are. So take a day.
Take a day, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Feel your shame.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
And then let's come out tomorrow like a new and
improved Bill.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
This is this is beneath you.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Bill.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Now I want to echo something that you said to
Chelsea because I found some like therapeutic steps to take,
which is kind of exactly what you did with the
nose picking.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
But it's a three step process called.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Alert, avert and affirm. So you alert, you become alert
to the behavior, you realize you're doing it or already
died of a wife tells you you're doing.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
You're alerted already, John check.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
And then you redirect avert is redirect the behavior, so
maybe you know, crack your knuckles, maybe like you do
something else with your hands, that's like fine.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
And then also affirm yourself.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
You're not a bad person for adjusting yourself. You just
don't want to do it anymore.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Alert, avert, affirm.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Bill.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
I would like to thank you very much.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Yeah, I would like to thank you guys for this
upbeat call because this is a very this is a
pleasure of my morning.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
This is entertaining. And Bill, you're a brave man.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
To come on this podcast and allow your wife to that.
That means you are a good man and you want
to do better.
Speaker 5 (14:01):
If I had the support of environment and some of
these tools that you with you two instead of which,
for shame, I probably would make more.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Okay, well, now you have all three of us, so
you're ready to get.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Exactly And for listeners out there, this is the kind
of call we love to.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yes, please, yes, we like this kind of horseship. Okay,
so we want an update.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Okay, will you give us an update in a few weeks,
let us know how things are going.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
You're gonna be happier, Bill, I promise.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
I'm going to buy a compair of jeans just for
this occasion and then show you in like six months
that it hasn't been worn down.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Or buy a sport so that you can't even access it,
or that you don't want to. Oh no, then he'll
go in under day forget it, never mind, never mind
forget that.
Speaker 5 (14:40):
Probably I didn't know that was an option.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
DELI delete all right, thanks, thanks, bye.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Guys, have a great day. Bye bye guy. Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
My remaining dates for Vegas, There are remaining dates for
this year. Summertime is coming and I will be a
in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth.
We will be the next date that I'm there July fifth,
August thirtieth.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
And then November one and twenty ninth.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
November first and November twenty ninth, I will be in
Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay,
thank you.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea pod.
Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
producer Catherine law And be sure to check out our
merch at Chelseahandler dot com
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