Try Harder with Matteo Lane

Comic Matteo Lane joins Chelsea in NYC to talk about his love of ghost hunters, why he never wants to graduate from comedy, and the absolute worst thing you can do to a lasagna.  Then: A dinner party disaster causes a rift in a friendship.  A gay man struggles to enjoy the backdoor.  And a newlywed agonizes over her mother-in-law’s drunken antics - which ruined her wedding.

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Check out Matteo’s new Advice Special here.

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf

Produced by Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh, Happy New Year everybody. It's in three. Happy twenty three.
Whoever thought we'd make it this far? Oh? My god,
I did. I did. I'm so excited about only because
of my hysterian astrologist. What are you looking forward to? Oh,
just life, you know, all of the things. What are
you looking forward to, Catherine? Oh? I am looking forward

(00:24):
to doing a lot of hiking this year. I'm very excited.
We just moved. We're right at the base of the
mountains and I'm ready to get after it. Wow, hiking.
Good for you, Catherine. I am not looking forward to
hiking this year. That is not something that I am
thinking about at all, So I'm glad that you brought
that up. You like to go downhill very fast on
that Yeah, exactly, that's right. I like to go downhill.

(00:46):
That's what I've discovered about myself. But speaking of it,
you've been in Whistler, which is your happy place? Yes, yes,
i am, but I am. I'm I'm home now because
I have to come home to do some press for
my Special Revolution, which is out on Netflix. Yeah, and
I'm doing press for that, and then I'm hosting the
Critics Choice Awards next week. So I'm here in town

(01:06):
for a while. I had to leave my happy place,
which I'm not normally accustomed to doing in the wintertime.
I like to go for winter. But you know that's okay.
I have to work because I want to work. Our
guest today is a really funny comedian and he is
going to make you laugh. And you can watch his
advice special on YouTube. It's called well, it's called the

(01:26):
Advice Special and it's on YouTube and it's Matteo Lane
is the page. So he's got mad skills. He's got
tons of different skills. I mean, he speaks a bunch
of different languages. He's an artist, he's like a chef.
He's hot, he's gay, and he sings opera. So suck
on that. Matteo Lane is here, everybody, And if you
don't know who he is, you need to find out

(01:48):
because you need to follow him on Instagram. This is
a very talented comedian. He's a flaming homosexual. And I
say that because, yeah, well you can't see him, but
you can't see what he's doing. But I say that
because he is one and he is so talented. Actually,
you know what he did for me recently, Katherine I
haven't told this story yet. It was Gwyneth Paltrow's fiftieth

(02:09):
birthday this year, so her assistant Kevin had reached out
to everyone asking for a sketch of how we see Gwyneth,
to draw something of how we see Quinneth. And I'm like,
that's like asking me to pump breast milk. You know, Like,
I was like what, And I remember that Matteo is
not a cartoonist. I was an oil painter and fashion

(02:31):
illustrator for years, like TV commercials and fashions and stuff.
It was how I moved to New York. So I
didn't know that. Yeah, from the Midwest. Where are you from?
From Chicago? Yes, Chicago, you're from Arlington Heights specifically, my
husband is from Palatine. Is he what high school did
he go to? He went to Palatine High School? Okay work? Yeah,
And I'm from Uswego, Illinois. Us we Go I've heard

(02:54):
of us we Go? Is that from a movie Oswegoswego,
New York and then in Oswego, Illinois. Maybe it sounds
like a Greek food. Yeah, it sounds like a yeast infection.
I was. I was based out of Chicago. Last week
a couple of weekends ago, because I had four shows
in like Rosamond, then Rockford, then Minneapolis, and then some

(03:14):
other cities. So I was just like, I'm so at
the end of my rope with my tour in terms
of energy sucks. So we just based ourselves out of
Chicago and just flew each time to wherever drove because
one place was like a half hour away, because I
had already done the city of Chicago. So we spent
four days in Chicago, and I was so fucking happy.
I was so happy in my hotel room. I was

(03:35):
acting like a like a little big girl like I
had finally had because I just need compact things. So
I had this beautiful hotel room, but I was treating
it like I had just become an adult. And I
was organizing my underwear and my socks in the drawers.
I was like, you're here for four nights, get comfortable.
I packed your bags, and then I was organizing my
medications and my makeup, and I was like, oh my god,

(03:57):
You're like it's like you have a dollhouse and you're
playing home. And then I realized Amy Schumer was at
the Chicago Theater. The same night, because we were texting
one morning and she's like, oh, are you in Chicago, Mike,
are you in Chicago? And of course we were like
two ships in the night. So a lot of comedy
comes out of Chicago people, and we have the person
here to prove it, Matteo Lane. So I was introduced
to Matteo, I don't know, a year ago, maybe probably

(04:18):
a little bit more than a year ago. And I'm
in love with you, and everyone who meets you is
in love with you because you're just such a joy
and such a gift and I can't wait for the
whole world to find out about this person. But I
forgot to tell you, or maybe I had to tell
you that. Gwyneth texted me and she was like, yell
see that's what she calls me. She goes, I can't
believe that you drew this. This is amazing, and I

(04:39):
was like, I said, esther, that's what I call her.
I go, esther. I have to be honest. I did
not draw that. I had a friend do it for me,
because this was a an assignment that was way outside
of my wheelhouse. But anyway, Matteo, tell us about yourself.
I want to know Okay, so you moved here to
become what you said early or I don't want to

(05:00):
butcher it, he moved here to Well I wasn't. I mean,
I started doing comedy in Chicago probably like twelve years ago,
and actually the first show I did was in a
gay club. No, I'm sorry, Actually the firstide it was.
It was in a bar and thirty or four members
of my family came to watch me do three minutes.
He's from a big Italian family in mafia. My grandma's

(05:24):
family probably was, but not anymore, just like nice Italians. Yeah,
sometimes you outgrow the mafia, I think, right, I think
you have to otherwise you're all in prison. Yeah it was.
I did three minutes on Marty to Rosa's show, He
Ransom Show, where the whole point of the show was
like you would win like sex toys or something. But
I don't know, but it was a really fun show.
I did three minutes, and I think I was just

(05:45):
impersonating Kathy Griffin because that's all I knew of stand
up at that time. And I had a great time.
It was fun. You just I was addicted immediately. Yeah,
well you put out it's so much material. I mean
you love to go on stage, right, I do. I.
I was just talking to a comic the other day
about this, where it's like when you start in comedy,
you feel like the community is huge, and then slowly

(06:07):
but surely, everyone sort of peels off into their own world,
like some writers or producers, and they eventually give up
comedy and you're just left with, oh God, it's just
me and three other people. I remember at open mics
still doing stand up in a weird way, you know,
and I enjoy I really love doing stand up like
I love being on stage. I love writing jokes. I
love the the lifestyle of the comedians. I love the

(06:28):
seller table, I love everything. I'm obsessed with it. I
love all of it. There's not a part of me
that's like, I'm doing this until I get a TV show.
I'm very happy to be known as a comedian. Oh
that's interesting, because I would definitely say that I'm the opposite.
When I was starting out, I was like, I'm doing
this till I get a TV show. And then and
then I was like, oh, I'll continue to do it.

(06:49):
And then I burnt myself out so hard that I
had to take a break from it. Because I just
went so hard and like with the show, with writing books,
then being on tour. I don't even know how I
did it. When I think about that, I don't know
how you because I'm exhausted without having a TV show
And you had a TV show four days, five days?
We how many times you guys film? Well, yeah, four
nights a week. We had it, so you had I

(07:10):
was an open micro then, but my dream was to
be on a Chelsea Handler panel. Well I'm still going
to happen. We're gonna bring so we're gonna bring a
TV show back, and you're gonna be on the panel.
Oh my god. Never. I don't want to like blow
smoke up your asked the whole time. But please don't
just give all right, don't don't. Nobody needs to hear
kipt let's blow if you were asked? Okay, great, and
many many others exactly, let's get your asshole fived and

(07:33):
many excuse me listeners. Okay, we're going to get graphic here.
But how many languages do you speak out the way
I speak English? I speak Italian, Spanish really proficient. I mean,
if you don't speak Spanish, I'm fluent. If you speak Spanish.
You're like, wow, he's really good. Even though I have
an Italian accent. I sound like Mario and Luigi and
French and then some German. Okay, some Germans. Five is

(07:56):
in that world. German is a tricky language for me
because I'm a Jew, so that hurts my ears a
little bit. I'm still not I'm still not down with
They were like, I was doing this citizen thing because
you can get citizenship, you know, like I have a
house in Spain, so I can get Spanish residency. But
because my mother was a German who fled from the war.
After the war, I'm able to get German citizenship. So

(08:18):
we've been working, like my assistant has been working with this,
like customs attorney or immigration attorney for a couple of
years to get my German citizenship. And then when we
all came down to it, I was like, Okay, Canada, Spain.
I just always want some exit strategy, just in case
Donald Trump Junior becomes elected one day, but by the way,
and then finally the other So the other day I'm
at the Spanish consulate with my assist and we're like,

(08:40):
he has to come with me to the appointment because
I'm so useless by myself and We're sitting there and
then he goes, okay, so for your German citizenship, and
I was like, do I really want a German citizenship?
And he's like, well, I think you do, and I'm like,
I don't know. I just don't know. Well, Berlin is
a very cool international city. They they seemed to have
repented and you have definitely a bent it. Then they

(09:01):
take accountability for what the hell happened. When you go
to Berlin. On every corner there is a memorial talking
about what happened in the Holocaust, and there are terrible,
horrifying museums that everyone should have to go to to
understand exactly what did happen and those atrocities. Actually, I
had a girlfriend that just came back Jamie Makeup Jamie Greenberg.
She came back from her Israel birthright trip and it

(09:24):
was so funny. She's like, you know, there's only fifteen
million Jews in the world, and I was like what,
I go, that's not right, fifteen million, and she's like yeah, Chelsea.
And then I googled it and I was like, oh
my god, that is scary. I mean, that's why Jewish
people have to say to everybody anytime they say anything,
shut up. That is not a lot of people. That's
not a lot of people at all. I think the

(09:44):
population of Italy is like eighty million, and that's considered
a small country. And you just came back from Italy again?
Do you go there pretty often? Probably like four times
a year? How fun is that? It's great? I have
like a whole group of friends there that I hang
out with. We have three hour dinners and I roll
cigarettes even though don' how to and just do passato
and do I'll do shows in Italian with Francesco to

(10:05):
Carl It was like a great Italian comedian and I like,
you want to find a house in Rome? I want
to live in Italy. Oh you will? You totally will.
That's so cool. And so how do you have to
switch it up? Do you have to switch it up
because it's a different language? I mean yeah, because one time,
the first time I went to Italy and I tried
to just translate without writing any new jokes. I was
an idiot. I had this joke that like an old

(10:26):
joke of mine about how I went to Starbucks and
they asked for my name, and I said it was mateo,
and she turned around and made my drink and she
literally wrote potato. And my thought process was like, Okay,
when you hear potato, you stopped writing on the car.
That is when you say I'm sorry, it's been a
long day. What is your name? So I was like,
I'll just say that. So I started saying in Italian.

(10:48):
I was in Florence, I think, and I was like,
I was like, oh, they don't rhyme Anyian. Also, I
don't have Starbucks in Italy, so they don't even know
what I'm talking about. And just a bunch of stairs.
And then I quickly turned into an eighties comic and
I was like, the difference between Americans and Italians are

(11:09):
like the most hackship in Italian. But I was just like, wow,
I was not prepared for the fact that I can't
do any of my British bake off jokes, you know
what I mean, Like, I have to figure this out.
But what I find interesting about Italian audiences is that
they all clap instead of laugh. Really, they just sort
of clap, and I'm like, I don't know if they're
being really polite or they're trying to acknowledge, they understand me.

(11:30):
But there's a lot of clapping going on and I'm
going to need more laughing. So it sounds more like
the Olympics. It does it like holding up seven At
the end where they dismount off of the thing, they're
like like clapping, Yeah, Although if they were laughing at
the Olympics, that would be really fucked up, especially how
after how hard those people have worked. So you go
to Rome and you hang out, like what do you

(11:51):
go for? Two weeks? Three weeks? Like how long were you?
I was there for a week. I brought my guy Chris,
who does all chriskword is all my social media stuff,
and we did this whole beautiful documentary of my life
in Rome and where we put it up on my
YouTube page, and we're going to have different episodes like
cooked with this chef Luciano when he shows us how
to make carbonada and we have my friend and then
it shows how to make and all this fun cooking

(12:15):
stuff and I had a fucking blast. Oh my god,
what a life. You're totally going to have a place there,
I hope. So I need to find an Italian husband,
is what I would like. Well, what's the gay scene
in Italy. Do people get married there? Do they just date?
Like New York, the gay scene is I think l A. Yeah,
it's very chaot. I mean I feel like Midwestern. I mean,
I feel like it's true for all stereotypes for parts

(12:37):
of the country. Like it feels like Midwestern gays are
a lot calmer than either Coast of gays and l
A gays are just it's too much. It's it's too much.
They're so not not too gay, they're too mean to
each other. There's a lot of it's all about the
way you look, it's all about what you have to offer,
and it's all about your standing in society. It's brutal.

(13:00):
It would be like it would be like living in
a Lucky Charms box. That's judging you. I mean, that's
sort of how I view West Hollywood. But you know,
to tell you the truth, I don't know. I've been
so since doing stand up, I have been in a
way so removed from like gay night life, which is
not the only way gays go out obviously, but like
there I'm just saying, like stereotypically speaking, like gays would

(13:20):
go out and go to clubs and go all I
do is stand up and hang out with comics, And
I did find that my self esteems a little better
because I do find like if I walk into a club,
my first thought was how do I look? Do I
look good enough? And are they judging me? Who I'm like,
They're just it's a lot of my insecurities come up,
not that it's actually happening. But if I walk into
the comedy seller, I know they respect me for my

(13:41):
intellect and we're gonna sit down and we're gonna get
messy and we're gonna talk and me and Keith Robinson
are gonna scream at each other and like have a
fun time. So now to tell you the truth, like
I haven't I don't even know how to go out
in the gay scene anymore. Like I can't tell if
I'm feeling left out or if I've purposed. I don't
know what I'm like in this weird I live a
straight comic in a way, you know what I mean? Well,

(14:03):
I think that's I mean, it raised an interesting point
because I think stand up really calcifies a different set
of confidence, Like you have so much more to offer,
so you start identifying or when you're going to label yourself.
That becomes like the first label instead of the second
or the third when you're stand up and that's your
whole life and that's what you're known for. I think
your identity. It's like I remember growing up, I didn't

(14:26):
want to ever be I just thought of as a
dumb blonde. You know. I wanted people to take me seriously.
Like now people take me a little too seriously, you
know what I mean, Like I'm no, I'm cute too,
like that I'm not scary, it's scary, and I'm like, wait,
I want to be that blonde again. That wasn't that bright,
you know, like we're we're loud or whatever. But I

(14:47):
think that stand up cultivates. Yeah, you're just confident. I
mean it's badass to get up there and fucking buy
yourself with a microphone. It is. It's and now I'm
so comfortable with it. Do you ever get that feeling
where like you're walking out and there's thousands of people
waiting for you and you're like, what am I going
to have for dinner tonight? Like you know what I mean,
Like it's so normal now, which is good. I think

(15:07):
that's the best performance comes from it. Being completely normal
on stage. I don't think nervous energy. That always audiences
pick up on if the comic is nervous, so to speak.
But yeah, I don't know, it's I think audiences pick
up and when a comic is nervous, I think so
for sure. It's like a owner who is carrying their
dog and they say the dog can feel if you're nervous,
or like they yeah, yeah, of course. It's hard to

(15:30):
see someone nervous, like it's not a pleasant feeling. Nobody
enjoys that. No. Matteo could also sing opera by the way,
he's an opera singer. He's I mean, what can't you do? Date? Um,
that's about it. We're gonna find you a date on
this podcast. We've hooked up a lot of people on
this podcast. Actually, oh you guys, we should set me

(15:50):
up then. I'm looking for and specifically people who wrote
in being like I loved his intellect when I heard
him on the podcast, because obviously they can't see anybody.
They're just like, can you send my Instagram to him?
This was a previous previous guest, but we can definitely, Yeah,
I mean, if you're into Matteo. First of all d
m him right, that's a good way to be dating people.

(16:11):
But also, yeah, if you're listening to this, because obviously
we have no straight men listening to this. If you have,
If you're listening to this and you think what kind
of guy, tell me about what kind of guy you
think you're looking for, because I've been around you, and
I've seen you with a couple of different guys, and
it's hard to pinpoint a type which I can recognize
in myself. I also don't have a type, right, I'm
they the older I get I'm sort of more interested

(16:34):
in someone who's going to make me laugh. Yeah. I mean,
I know that sounds so dumb, but it is true.
I'm sort of over like my insecure twenties where I
think I need someone hot to validate me in any
kind of way, Like I'm really just sort of interested,
like does this person have anything interesting to talk about? Yeah?
And also I think when you're a comic and you're
already like innately funny person, I don't think that it

(16:58):
necessarily you don't need someone actually to make you laugh.
You need somebody who gets the joke, Like you don't
have to make the joke, but you have to be
in on the joke and you can't not get the joke,
because that's a turn off, because it's the worst when
you're when you really do have something funny and you
say it to your partner and they stare at you
and you think, damn it, I wish I was with

(17:18):
other comics or my friends. Yeah. I I sometimes I
see relationships of people, gay couples, and they travel with
each other and they're with each other and they're best friends,
and it's so foreign to me. I've not had that
experience yet in terms of dating, where like the person
is legitimately my partner or best friends. So I do
feel quite independent that way, Like I don't know. I

(17:38):
also now I'm so independent, I don't know how I
would customize my life for somebody else. Yeah, but that
always works itself out when you wanted to. When you're
really into somebody, you may compromises. You know you're like
into them, and so that that isn't Why is this
bouncing up and down? It's like reverberating just from this.
I have a screen over my microphone, you guys, and
it's just been vibrating the whole morning. And I'm not
even touching it. It's it's my mouth. My mouth is

(18:02):
so powerful that it's forceful. Such a forceful mouth. But also,
somebody who takes themselves too seriously is a hot is
such a turn off. I think that goes hand in
hand with lacking a sense of humor, as people who
take themselves too seriously, that's never hot. Being funny is
down on my list because of course, anyone could make

(18:23):
you laugh. It makes you laugh as sexy. You like
them immediately anytime somebody can evoke that feeling from you.
He's laughing at my bouncing microphone. These are like my boobies.
It's taking the place of my boobies my screen. I
do like guys that are more shy. I find myself
more attracted to those who are introverts. This last guy
I was sort of seeing who I really liked. It

(18:43):
unfortunately didn't work because of distance. He was just like,
I can't do long distance, which I understand, and I'm
not here to change anybody. But he was very shy,
and there was something about it that I kind of
loved because I I think I already get enough attention
that I don't want to be with someone who also
is see king a ton of attention, Like I'm also
not even seeking attention outside of the stage. Does that

(19:04):
make sense? I sit at home and play Fortnite. I'm
not trying to do anything, you know, So I I
like sort of shy your guys more quiet guys, Yeah,
but don't you find more quiet guys have less to say.
But when they start to open up was when I
find adorable. Like this last guy was painfully shy, and
then as he opened up, I really got to see

(19:24):
his sense of humor. And then you almost feel more
special because you're like, oh, wow, he's opening up like
something I've I've done something to help him open up,
and now he feels comfortable with me, and I feel
I have an insight on how this person functions in
the world, and I like their sense of humor, like
I enjoy that. And how long did you guys date for? Well?
We talked. We dated and talked for like almost six months.

(19:45):
He lived long distance. I met him when I was
doing shows and we just kept talking and then it
turned into facetiming Morning New night. Then we took vacations
with each other and finally got to a point after
like six months I was like, well, how do you
feel about long distance? And he was just honest. He
was like, I can't. I have too many in securities
about that and I can't have someone who's far from
me and it's just not going to work. And I

(20:05):
was like, well, that's disappointing. And so that's it. So
what if you wanted to continue just seeing each other
like on vacation, That's not a thing to me. It
probably wouldn't be great because it's like I really liked
him and I expressed that and he liked me too,
and if and he even said, like, we continue what
we have, and I'm like, well, if I'm I'm trying
to make an investment, I'm thirty six, I'm trying to

(20:26):
like make a foundation with somebody, and so if it
just then it feels like I'm just giving you entertainment
which will make me resent you, and you'll feel cheap
for that. I will feel cheap for that. Right. So
the answer was I want to bring up a good
point because I don't think gay men are getting enough
credit for nipping monkeypox in the bud. But but the
saying is in the bud, but I'm going to change

(20:47):
it to the button it started because when the government
came out. I was out to dinner with a few
gay guys last night, as one does, and they were like, yeah,
we all got vaccinated right away. When when we found
out about monkey box, and I was like, oh my god,
that's what happened. Because I'm like, where's monkey pox? I
thought this was going to take off. I was kind
of looking forward to seeing what a ship show that

(21:08):
was going to be, you know, in a real fucked
up way. Obviously, I'm glad it didn't take off. And
they're like, oh, it's us. Gay men are so responsible
that we all just nipped in the bud before it
became a thing. Yeah, like most gays, we love it
for something. It becomes really big and then it's done.
There's my second monkey pox. You can still see my
second monkey pox shot. Oh wow, I can't see it.
It was very interesting when that happened. You know. At first,

(21:28):
it was like someone's like monkey pox is coming, and
all the gays were like, girl, but not monkey pox.
And then I met I had five people in my
life who had it, and I was like, okay, I'm
going to abstain from sex, or if I do, I
will have I'll be open and honest with my sexual
partners and wait till the vaccine is available. And then
he said it it is eight percent effective after four weeks,

(21:50):
and so I waited after four weeks. So basically July
and August, I just didn't have any sex, which might
not sound like a lot, but to gay men, and
that's like yeah, I mean no, I understand. Yeah, And
that's almost like seven years to a regular person, it's
a long time. And I'm getting real tired of jacking off.
So you know, sometimes I jack. I just do it

(22:12):
like I'm going to the bank. I'm like, let's get
this over. I just I'll pretend to be my own wife.
And I'm like, not tonight, honey, I just can't. I'm
so over jacking off. But yeah, we all we all
didn't put in the butt. We did. The rates have
gone down significantly. No one's talking about monkey pox. I
still I'm talking about it because I like, I just
I just can't believe how discriminatory that advisory was. You know,

(22:33):
like gay men are the only people that can, like
not the only people, but that's how you're gonna get
it by anal sex. And it's like first of all,
regular people are having anal sex, you know, not non
gay people are having sex like it's a trend. It's
odd and people are into it big time, and you'd
be surprised if you didn't think you like it. You
might surprise yourself and my like at all. I have

(22:54):
a lot of girlfriends in l I who casually are like,
have you tried an? I'm like, oh my god, really
this is our conversation now, like, yes, I've tried an
who has a tried? And my girlfriends like, oh my god,
I love it. I love it. I'm like, first, well
shut up. You sound like a fucking asshole. No pun
intended again, you guys, honestly, this is like possessed. Do

(23:14):
you see this thing? I'm not touching the table or anything,
so it must just be we're haunted. We're being haunted.
Bringing a Ghost Adventures show in here. It's my favorite show,
by the way, Ghost Adventures they've been on for twenty
nine seasons. They have not found a single ghost. Is
my favorite show. Hosted by this asshole named Zach and

(23:39):
he says every episode money mus Zach and I'm a demonologist.
And my joke is, you know, my parents were disappointment.
I told him I was gay. I cannot imagine if
I had to sit them down and be like mom
and dad, I'm going into demonology, they'd be like, we
rather you suck a dick. At least it's there. I
mean it is. I will watch the Travel Channel is

(23:59):
now just ghost shows. That's it. Zach Osborne has a
ghost show. Everyone's got one, and I will watch it
when I'm on the road. I turn on the Travel
Channel and just watch these assholes walk around houses for hours.
I love it. It's so stupid, so stupid. When are
people and people love ghosts, love it, They love outer space,
they love UFOs, and they love aliens and ghosts and

(24:21):
the US. At least there's like a video of a
thing where like, well, what is that? That's a UFO?
This ring light that's a ghost and that's a UFO. Yeah.
I hate when anyone talks about anything like that. I've
I've felt the presence of what would probably be a ghost,
but I would never even focus on it for more

(24:41):
than thirty seconds. Like my friend I dated this guy
who had a house. I've been Shelter Island and it
was fucking haunted. It was definitely haunted. The vibe in there,
the energy. I was like, this is off. The doors
would shut all the time, slam all the time, You'd
hear footsteps creeping up the house, and I was like,
you're evil. I can tell that you're evil and that
your house is haunted, and that's why we're to break
up because you would have a ghost in your house.

(25:02):
You're fucking weirdo. I definitely have felt that, but then
people really hyper focus on it. It's like, well, the
ghost isn't gonna get you, it's not gonna come and
stab you. And also we're never going to see them. No,
we're not. We're never going to My mom is Italian Mexicans,
so if anyone is Italian Mexican, immediately you have multiple
ants in the family who speak to dead people. So

(25:24):
you know, my mom has a sister that does. And
it's just so funny to me. I don't believe in ghosts,
like at all, not at all, I mean, but of
course I'm scared. Like if I watched Insidious the other
night with Nicole Buyer and I literally was walking home.
I'm in New York. What's Insidious? I missed? That was
like fifteen years ago. But it is like the first

(25:44):
two acts of the movie are genuinely very scary. It's
about a kid who goes into a coma and basically
they find out when they get a psychic that he's
astral projecting and the demon wants his body and he
asked for projected too far and the demon captured his soul.
Now his body is just laying there and they have
to go into that world and bring him back. Chills.

(26:05):
It's so scary, you have to watch it. Astral projecting. Yeah,
Like you sleep and you see yourself when you're sleeping,
so basically your soul leaves your body and you kind
of walk around and your and the kid is four
or five, so we think, so I'm having all these dreams.
Isn't that just sleepwalking? No, But like the body's there,
his spirits doing okay, sorry, it's like a meditation thing too.

(26:28):
It's a meditation thing. You're absolutely right when you meditate,
because when you really get into deep meditation, you start
to see your body sitting down or lying down and
you can get away from it. That's happened to me
before for sure. Well make sure demons coming to steal you.
I'm a ghost. Okay, I'm a ghost that meditates. Okay,

(26:48):
so we've decided you like quiet guys. That's that's pretty
much it. That's all. We're looking for a funny quiet
You can't believe in ghosts. Sexually compatible? What does that mean? Though?
Sexually combatible? You know some of that turns you on.
I guess chemistry. That chemistry, Yes, you're right, that's the
proper word, not the homosexual me being like sexual. They

(27:09):
have to like enjoy anal sex. I mean that's a
prerequisite for being gay. I said, don't that's true. I
have a friend who claims that he's never enjoyed anal sex.
We actually have a caller today about that very issue. Amazingly,
Oh is it? Okay, okay, great, this is I guess this.
I guess this episode was curtailed for somebody. Oh that's perfect.

(27:31):
I love us. Okay, Well, let's get started. We're going
to give advice. You know how this goes, right, we
give advice callers. People are fucking serious. So you have
to put on your medical cap okay, your psychiaty, psychiatry, psychologist, whatever.
Have my aunt's number on speed dial. Should we need
to talk to ghosts. I'm a farm to table going
to collegist, so I'll take care of the female anatomy,

(27:52):
and you're going to take care of the male anatomy,
and then any emotional problems will just jump it together,
all three of us did. We'll take a quick break
and we'll be right back with Chelsea and MATEO. We're back.
We're back well. Our first email comes from Rachel. For context,

(28:16):
g and her husband are about thirty five, and the
couple of friends in this email are late twenties. Dear Chelsea. Recently,
I had a friend and her husband over for what
was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday night dinner. I
prepared homemade lasagna and a delicious Tira messou from scratch.
I would love to see that homemade lasagna, but go on,

(28:37):
I'm believe he doesn't believe it. He's like, no, I'm
a good hostess and always go above and beyond to
make sure my house is spotless and my guests are comfortable.
I asked my friend what time they'd like to eat
so that I could have dinner prepared accordingly. She replied
six pm. I worked for hours to shop, prepare, and

(28:59):
cook the meal for every one and had it ready
by six. Sounds annoying, by the way, this sounds like
someone who's already complaining about too much, but I'll stick
with you. Also, got to have people come earlier than
you plan to eat, so you're not like sitting and
eating right when they get there. But also, lasagna takes
four hours to make anyways, Usually lasagna, if people come late,
you throw back in the oven for fifteen minutes and

(29:19):
you serve. It's not like we're already mad at her. Yeah,
I hear you. I'm vegan and my guests are not,
so I prepared to Lasagna's and chopped for ingredients that
I normally wouldn't buy from my household. My friend texted
me at five fifty two saying they were just leaving
an event they attended earlier in the afternoon. At six thirty,

(29:41):
she texted me again to let me know she'd picked
up her baby from the sitters and was en route
to the house Chelsea. They arrived a whole hour later
than they said they would like to sit down and eat. Seven. No, six,
there was the call time and they showed up at seven. Yeah,
pay attention, you fucking too okay, oh, okay, fine. They
show up, apologize, and we get ready to eat. In

(30:04):
an unfortunate turn of events, her baby slipped and bumped
his head. He was completely fine and uninjured, but this
happened on her husband's watch. She freaked out and proceeded
to rate her husband in front of me and my
husband for the next twenty minutes. We decided to sit
down and start eating. They ended up leaving a little
over an hour after they arrived. I felt completely offended

(30:26):
that they were an hour late. I feel that if
they didn't have time to come to dinner, they shouldn't
have accepted the invitation. I also feel annoyed with my
friend for choosing to react to a simple accident so
negatively in my personal space. If she needed to take
a moment to collect herself, she could have gone outside
or into another room to do so instead of subjecting
everyone else to negativity like that. When they left, I

(30:46):
was angry with her. Should I confront her or just
never invite them over again? Thanks for listening, Rachel. You
go ahead. Look, this woman should never mix with Italians
because Italians will be an hourly and they will fight
in front of you. So make sure she never books
a ticket to Italy and if she does, to avoid
Italians at all costs, and Jewish people will also be

(31:06):
late and argue in front of you. I'm very comfortable.
I have thirty four first cousins and we're all basically
the same age. So I grew up with lots of
yelling and screaming in the house and and food coming late.
But we also laughed a lot and ate really well.
I don't like people who are late, though, that is
a pet peep of mind, so I do back her
on that, Like if if you say you're gonna be

(31:27):
at six o'clock, get her at six o'clock, that ship
pisses me off. Okay, I have the opposite point of view.
I don't care about the lateness. I care about the
arguing in front of people. I feel like that's inappropriate.
But I also feel like the way this letter was framed,
she's it's too much. It's just too judge, Like who
gives a ship? First of all, who's having dinner at six? Like? Why?

(31:49):
And if you're being a hostess, part of being a
hostess is being gracious to a degree, not to bend
over backwards. You know what, I mean, but someone being late, fine, whatever,
they had another situation, they had another event they were
coming from, and then fighting in front of you I
think is the worst, more offensive infraction. But also like, yeah,
don't be friends with them. Sounds like she rubs you

(32:11):
the wrong way. Like the whole tone of the letter
means that you're in a state of irritability. Yeah, you
could confront her, but to what avail? Is it that
important of a friendship If it's a really important friendship
to you, Yeah, you could say something. I would focus
on the fighting, not on the actual tardiness, unless that
happens again. They have a kid. You have to just
kind of make accommodations for people sometimes, And I just

(32:32):
don't like being so anally retentive that I have all
these rules about how you're supposed to behave as a guest.
That kind of negates the friendship to begin with. Like
there's got to be room to move around, you know,
sometimes your friends are not going to do exactly what
you want them to do. So yeah, I mean, wise,
do not make two different lasagnas that is a whole

(32:52):
day operation. Makes something that takes the fresh ingredients you
can put together that takes a half hour, so you
can start cooking when they get there. Who says we're
gonna eat six and then expect them to get there
at six and then coming to sit down and start eating. Yeah,
you walked to the door and sit down at the table.
I mean that sounds annoying to Also, being a vegan
is slightly annoying. Like, here's the thing. If they were vegan,

(33:17):
that would be one thing. But she's vegan. She could
have just cooked a vegan lasagna for everybody. Why not?
I don't know. Let's not disgrace lasagna anymore than it
was probably hard to disgrace in that oven that day. Anyways,
either make a lasagna or you don't stop it. Once
she heard about LASAGNI he's like, yeah, I don't believe
this for one second. I know she used cottage cheese.
I know she didn't make maschamel. I know the red

(33:39):
sauces from mccan. I know that she didn't. I don't
want to hear about it. My mother is men and
I and I'm from Illinois as well, and my husband
is half Italian. His mom is north side of the
Chicago Italian and that is one of the greatest arguments
of my marriage is cottage cheese versus ricotta cottage. Who
are what side are you on? She probably is on

(33:59):
the cottage. She's I'll tell you why, mateo, Because this
fucking bitch takes hard boiled eggs in a big zip
brock bag on a plane. How are you doing the
rest of the flight. No one wants to smell your
hard world on like four different airlines having I know,
I know, she said to me. She came to ma
Orca this summer. She and she revealed this like I

(34:20):
was going to have a reaction. I said, excuse me,
what do you We just had gone off about bare
feet on planes and her vial that is, and then
she reveals this and then sends me a photo to
you know, trigger me further of her holding a snip
blocked bag with twelve hard boils. I said, hey, what
are you doing? She goes, it's protein. I go, there's
protein bars all throughout the airport. You can get your

(34:42):
protein in a variety of different ways. Literally, you deserve
to get protein powder thrown in your face. And that's
her protein for the meal. The weirdest thing is all
of my friends, like I, you know, posted the picture,
and so many of my friends were like, oh, that
time you had hard boiled eggs just like saved my life.
So many of my friends have memories of me with

(35:03):
art boiled eggs. Now you're just remembering those, You're you're
choosing to specifically remember the positive outcomes of hard boiled
eggs instead of all of the negative domino effect instances
that you And that's the hell that you've put people through.
You know, it's selective memory. The fact that the T
s A Agents had to look on their scanner and

(35:24):
see twelve hard boiled eggs go through. I won't even
eat a hard boiled egg, like in a small space,
Like you have to get rid of the egg before
you interact with a person. And also you need like
a five minute window afterward, you know what I mean?
Where do you put the shell? Probably takes the shells
off before so that it all smells. Yeah, yeah, she does,
listen and she does. She she's not taking the shells

(35:46):
al they're peeled. It's quick, and then the bank gets
filled again. But again, apologies. You know what. That reminds
me of this scene an airplane where Leslie Nielsen is
it who keeps having a hard boiled eggs and it
keeps hatching eggs. And even when he was doing that scene,
I'm like, this is so disgusting. And those were shelled

(36:09):
because the cast and crew didn't want to smell hard
boiled eggs all day. Well, I guess because humans lay
shelled eggs. Also white cottage cheese. It's not it has
no taste because it's too wet, and it's just it's
it's a disgrace. That's how my my mom's mom made it.

(36:30):
So that's how your mom's mom is wrong. There's yeah,
you have no I mean men toite. What does that
have to do with being Italian? Well, we're not Italian,
That's what I'm saying. Like, that's why you're cottage cheese though,
I mean you said we're Mennite, Like that's a backup
for the cottage cheese. None of this makes sense. Are

(36:51):
in the cottage cheese, eggs whatever you normally put into well, okay,
off from memory eggs, A ragonel lasagna. I fucking hate,
a regano I hate and you know what else I
don't like. While we're on the topic of things that

(37:11):
annoyed me, Rosemary, I don't like you know, I hate
when Oh yeah, a lot of people don't like rosemary
when it's on chicken or potatoes. That pisces me off
because I love potatoes. But when there's a rosemary, it's
like this. I used to work at this restaurant Roasty
in Santa Monica, and they had rosemary chicken and potatoes,
and I would always be like, who thought up this

(37:31):
dumb recipe? And there was the biggest hit on the menu.
People fucking loved it, and I was just like, rosemary
reminds me of Christmas. I guess it's that pine needle
kind of like it does look like you cut up
a Christmas tree and roasted it on some potatoes, and
smells a little bit like pine needles too. I do
like Greek potatoes all cooked and lemon and chicken fat. Yeah, well,

(37:53):
of course, what's what's What do you have to say
about that chicken fat is where it's at? What else
do you put in it? I'm sorry we were so
would be interrupted because no one respects you anymore if
I can interrupt. I want to also say that, as
I've known Catherine and her family, they have some questionable
variations on traditional food like Italian food. Obviously, why would

(38:16):
you put cottage cheese and alazon ya. That's ridiculous, it's
just flavored. Asked her about the nachos, though, what are
amish nachos? Catherine, Let's just attack all my ethnic backgrounds.
So go on, We've we've destroyed the Italian side. Let's
move on to the Mexican side. What have you done
to them? And just know that obviously it includes cottage cheese.
So again, if my parents don't have like four tubs

(38:41):
of cottage cheese in the fridge at every moment, it's
like not enough. So we lovingly call these amish nachos.
But in our family, we love to eat potato chips
with cottage cheese. That's That's how as a vehicle, I'm
getting nauseous. Honestly, this is so nauseating. Was it's delicious.
I had a boyfriend once. I'm just gonna switch topics quickly.

(39:05):
My boyfriend used to eat potato chips dip them in salsa,
and that was in the front. I don't understand that.
I was like, whoa, whoa, what are you doing here?
It's either ranch or straight up you know what I mean?
You don't get to dip your potato chips and salsa,
but then he would put so much salsa on the
potato chip that that alone broke us up. I was

(39:27):
so disgusted after months and months of being exposed to
this behavior. I think we dated for years, but at
the end of it, I was like they were like,
what was the final straw, and like the potato chips
in the salsa, I was like, that's where I couldn't
take it anymore. It was so gross to see a
potato chip dunked holy in salsa, like the ratio didn't

(39:47):
add up and they get soggy. I broke up with
a guy in college. He was beautiful, bright green eyes,
like stunning, and I watched to make cold spaghetti, heat
it up and put sour cream all over it, and
oh no, literally called my cousin Megan. I said, I
can't do it. No, no, no, no, no, that's disgusting.
Even now, I even though I can't cook, but I
know I can't cook. And even when I try and

(40:09):
make something basic, I know like there are rules not
to break in terms of what like even my scrambled
eggs is basically what I make, you know, on the
on the regular, and I know not to funk around
with that in a gross way, like not to put
too many things in, Like you can't put zucchini's and
scrambled eggs. If you want vegetables, you can't put broccoli
and scrambled eggs, and all of that is gross. You

(40:30):
could put onions, you could put cheese, you could put
tomatoes and spinach, and that's it, and then you have
to draw the line, put them in the bag and
bring them to the airport. Okay, who's our next color? Well,

(40:51):
our next color is Marco. Marco, says dear Chelsea end Gang.
I wanted to get your advice on a topic I
know is near and dear to your hearts, sex or
lack thereof. As a thirty year old gay man, I
have finally come to the conclusion that I don't like sex.
The thought of topping is a turn off for me,

(41:11):
and quite frankly, I really don't like the idea of
getting it from behind either. Ouch. Don't get me wrong,
I have sex occasionally to meet a partner's needs, but
so far it's not been enough to sustain any sort
of lasting relationship. Two months is the longest I've ever
dated a guy. This has made dating in the very
daunting gay world a challenge. In the past, dates or

(41:34):
short flings with guys always go well, but tend to
go downhill once we hit the bedroom. I'm shocked that
two months, I mean two months is like eight years
for gays. Right, We've talked about that's good for him,
it's a long time and gay. I get uncomfortable once
we start having sex because I'm scared I won't be
good at it, or because I just might not be
able to do it. Most recently, I really hit it

(41:56):
off with a guy. We hung out almost every day
for a few weeks straight, and he seemed to like
me just as much as I liked him. However, after
a few unsuccessful attempts in the bedroom, he lost interest,
and eventually he told me he didn't think he could
foresee a future with me. He didn't tell me why,
but I can take a hint. Typically, when dating, I'm
not very upfront with my dates about being uncomfortable with sex.

(42:18):
In a world where sex is put at the forefront
of all relationships, I'm very embarrassed about my lack of ability.
Please help yours in Christ, Just kidding Marco could save Marco. Okay, Marco,
how will you're thirty? Correct? Okay? And what so what
about blow jobs? Yeah, I'll wrote that. It's definitely different.

(42:40):
I think with youn know, like it's doubly more like
uncomfortable with it? Where's blow jobs? Not so much? Okay?
But maybe your state of discomfort for it is because
you haven't done it the proper way or experienced it
the proper way because you're attracted to men, right, that's correct, yes,
and you don't like penetrating men. I'd prefer not to

(43:02):
know because why just you can be graphic if you
need to be as fun honestly, like I just don't
want to put my dick like where ship comes out,
you know, Like maybe that's what the Republicans say. Are
you a Republican? I'm not a Republican. I can understand that,

(43:22):
but well, I guess mente you should probably feel this line.
Question Do you have anxiety? Like do you deal with
anxiety generally speaking? Like, so you are full of anxiety? Right? Yeah,
definitely like an anxious person I've always been. Yeah. Okay,
So so is it the actual act that that repels
you or is it the anxiety of having to please
somebody else or be involved sexual with somebody else that

(43:45):
gives you so much anxiety you feel you can't perform.
I honestly, I feel like it's definitely a mix of both.
The cleanliness, like I said, aspect to it, well, the cleanliness,
it's like, just make sure that either you do or
someone else, which I hire a firehouse to come clean
up my asshole before I have sex. I mean, it's like,
you know those things that used to clean the sidewalk
in the morning in New York, they're my best friends.

(44:06):
But it's true. I've been to his place when he's
had an entire fire brigade there, including the Dalmatian. Yeah,
I think maybe are you expressing this to your partner
like partners you've been with, Like, look, I just want
to you know that I have a lot of anxiety
when it comes to anal and if we are going
to go there, I want to make sure that you
know that this is something that I'm having a hard

(44:28):
time with and then maybe just right off the bat,
being open about it will take some of the pressure away.
And that's probably part of the problem is that I'm
not open about it. I always like you're open to
a podcast where millions of people listen, but not partner
every Well, this is the first step. Yeah, yeah, this
is the first step. I think it's important. But I

(44:49):
think you know, when you're saying that your anxiety written
and that's a base of your personality, probably then that
is having a huge impact on your sexuality. Right. So
the thing that like what RelA X as you? What
do you do? What do you use as tools to
relax you? Not I'm not talking about sex in this moment,
but like in general, do you take anti anxiety medication?
Does smoking weed relax you? What do you do all

(45:11):
the above? I mean I actually I just started taking
some anti depressants anti anxiety medicine, and then marijuana also
helps alcohol exercise. I'm big on that. That always makes
me feel so much better. I think first and foremost
having more open conversations with people about it. I think
you're going to find you're that you're not alone. I
think other people probably feel that way, don't you think so, Mateo.

(45:33):
Like in the gay world, there's a whole spectrum of
ways that people are interested in having sex. Like some
people are highly sexualized, some people aren't. And I don't
think that you're not sexual. It sounds like you like
all of that. Yeah, yeah, I mean, so I think
you want to work towards having a more healthy kind
of sexual more sexual knowledge about yourself, worrying about what

(45:54):
since your asshole, Like everyone's thinking about that, but everyone's
still having anal sex, you know what I mean. I
don't want anyone to have sex with me in the
butt and then puld their penis out and be covered
in anything. Yeah, that's a fear of mind, but that's
not a reality, and there's a way to avoid that
from happening. Right. That's not something that necessarily happens, and
it's something that you can definitely make not happen, you

(46:16):
know what I mean, if you're taking care of the situation,
if that person is. But I think if you're more
vocal about it, like, oh god, you know, I mean,
this guy that just broke up with you or stopped
talking to you or whatever, clearly stopped because you guys,
it wasn't going anywhere sexually. I mean, that's obvious. And
so in order to prevent that from happening in the future,
I think you need to be a little bit more
open minded with people and with yourself, you know, because

(46:37):
you're not the only person that's felt this way. Okay, yeah,
I second that. I think there's relationships where gay men
don't have anal with each other. That's fine. I mean
that also just if you decide, hey, I don't like anal, great,
find another partner who doesn't either. But I'm also saying
that I think you might like it if you were
able to prevent your fears from coming true. I think

(47:00):
that you have this idea that anal sex equates to
one thing. You know, let's not have to repeat that
over and over because some people are eating breakfast. But
I don't want you know, I don't want you to
think that you don't like sex. I don't believe that's
true right now, Like, I don't think you've put it in.

(47:21):
How many times have you had anal sex Let's start there. Honestly,
probably only like on two hands, ten or less, okay, right,
and it's been done to you or you've done it
to someone else. I've never been the receiving end on it.
Movies topped. Okay, well, maybe you should also try that.

(47:41):
I think, yeah, you might like it up well, you know,
with enough fabrication, it can be a very enjoyable experience
and like, like, I want to like it, I really do.
I just then try harder. If you want to like it,
and you're attracted to men and you want to have

(48:03):
a relationship, whether sexual or more you know, serious, like
more than sexual and having a serious, like intimate relationship
with someone, I think you need to have a little
bit more experience, right And I don't think you should
just go out and have sex with a bunch of strangers,
but I think you should find people that are a
little bit more like minded, or somebody who has more
experience than you is going to be patient with you
as a teacher and say, oh, okay, this is how

(48:24):
we can prevent any of those things from happening. This
is how I get myself prepared for anal sex, and
this is and you can try it with different partners
to find your comfort level, because it's there somewhere. And
I think this is more anxiety written than anything else.
Just by talking to you and you know, looking at
you for sure, Yeah, no, absolutely, I know you're you're

(48:47):
probably spot on there, So can you do that? Can
you have more honest conversations like don't listen if someone says,
fuck it. You don't you're not comfortable having anal sex,
you don't haven't had that many good experiences with it,
then that's not the right person. But I bet you
you'll find somebody that's gonna be like, oh, okay, I
get it. I also used to feel that way, or
I also used to be intimidated or scared or thought
I didn't want to, you know, be a bottom or

(49:09):
a top or whatever it is. It doesn't matter. But
I just think you need to have a little bit
more experience and kind of put less pressure on yourself
and experiments. That's what sexuality is, finding different things that
you like with different people and being open to different things.
There's so many things that I thought when I was
growing up in high school that I was so judging about.
I would never do that, or I would never give

(49:31):
up low job. I'm not bullshit all these things that
are so silly. You start to become sexually aware, like
have more sexual exposure, and it empowers yeah, and then
you're and then you find out the things that you like.
Some of the things I thought I hated I really
do like now. Yeah, And I think a lot of
the focus is on what you're unable to do or

(49:52):
you're not enjoying, And I think if you can give
a spin on that and be like, you know what,
here's what turns me on. Here is what I'm into
you can drop into you're not into some other stuff.
But also like maybe with a new partner, you just
focus on, like, here's what really turns me on. It's
blow jobs, it's whatever else. Huddling can be a part
of you know what I mean, There's so much else
that you can do other than just like penetration. Okay,

(50:15):
so like re reframing, give it a spin, like, think
about what you're into, and I think it really good
at those things. So do you go out a lot?
So I'm like, I'm not too big into like the
gay scene or nothing, but yeah, occasionally I will go out.
Yet but you're out as a gay man, right, Yes,
it's correct? Okay? And do you did you date on apps?

(50:35):
And do you do that stuff? Yeah? I mostly on apps?
I'd say not grinder Okay, I mean there's nothing like
and maybe I should if that's what well, because grindles
you can be explicit. Hello homosexual who's not sure he
likes anal dot dot dot anyone question mark and you
can start surveying from there. So it's it's good. But

(50:58):
cinder bumble, How does it work on bumble? Because usually
with straight people it's the girl who writes first. So
in this case, is it like the bottom bottoms on? Now?
I think either way it works. Yeah, So many guys
are gonna get mad at me. They're gonna say I'm
bottom shaming and I'm a huge bottom, so I'm a bottom.
I'm a bottom too. I don't like him do anything.

(51:19):
They're excited. I just like to there, what do you
do for work? So I'm like a little bit of everywhere.
I work in a prison. So shifted, so good. You
know you've got a great example. That's like two comedians.
It's a race to get to that joke. Yeah. I

(51:44):
guess that's maybe that's why I don't like any right,
because you're seeing it at the most graphic plane. Yeah.
I think the thing for you to focus on in
the immediate future is to be more communicative about what
you are interested in and just frontload that right, and
then you're gonna, i think, draw more people in that
maybe feel the same way with you, or have an

(52:05):
experience level where they'll have the patience to kind of
learn with you and grow with you. But always front
load because if you're because that's just going to add
to your anxiety. When you're keeping something from somebody and
then they get back to your house and they're expecting
something to happen and you're not about to deliver that,
then that's going to create anxiety for you. And you
already have anxiety. So we want to just like take
that out of the equation in any way we can.

(52:28):
And also based on your first and last name, do
you use cottage cheese in your lasagna? Yes, you do,
my shame. Do you take hard boiled eggs onto planes
with you? I would never do that. No, sorry, that

(53:00):
would that would put my anxiety like through the roof.
Not this being the most shameful part of the Internet.
I hope that you really leave today with a whole
new set of ideas. Okay, because he basically just served
you to make in my life. Yeah you do, okay,

(53:23):
So just to chill the funk out, okay, try to
chill out. Yeah, just work on your communication skills. There's
nothing to be ashamed of, you know what I mean.
Honesty is the best thing always always, always front foot,
with honesty, front load, front foot. I don't even know
what I'm talking about. And good luck with you and
your asshole. Thank you. I appreciate. Okay, keep was supposed

(53:44):
if things change, let us know, and I want to know,
Like you know, with the more experience, I think that
you might enjoy sex more than you think you might,
because it's a very human where animals most people want that,
you know, we want. Yeah, okay, okay, I think we
got up all right. Thanks so much, Marco, Thank you, guys.

(54:06):
I appreciate. Thank you. Good Catherine. I hope you have
some time to reflect late on this afternoon, because you
know what he just was like, Listen, I'm not I'm
down with cotta cheese. You thought you had someone on
your team and guess what he was off your team
two seconds he was like his face. It was the

(54:28):
first time I saw him like his face crunch. Oh.
He was cute. He was a high Yeah. I know,
he's sweet. I wish I could adopt somebody like that
and just lead them. He was so sweet. He's one
of my favorite colors that we've had. I was so
excited to Yeah, and honestly, the way he was talking
to us, just talk to your partner that way. He

(54:50):
was talking to Chelsea Handler about not wanting anal, Like,
you can't say that in a private conversation with somebody.
I know, this is pretty bold. Well, some people have
a lot more. Yeah, I think it's hard. So sometimes
people have a lot more a bigger issue with saying
it in the moment, especially when it's intimacy. People have
so many issues around intimacy. People are freaking weird, you know.
I mean I I've had experience with that too, where

(55:11):
I'm just like, you know, like you freeze or you
don't want to disappoint. You don't know what the person
is expecting, and that's it disappoint. You feel like you're
going to disappoint the other person. Yeah, and you're right.
Communicating that with somebody else takes away that shame and
you can just have honest conversations with somebody. Yeah. And
then you can conversely go too far in the opposite direction,

(55:31):
Like I've had several one night stands where I was
putting it out there right away, like just so you know,
I'm here to sex, and that's that's backfired on me too,
where guys like what do you mean you're just here
to sex. It's like, well, wait, I thought that was
gonna be the good thing for me to say, like
we'll be on the same page, and guys are like,
I mean, I've had guys surprised to my surprise be like, no,

(55:51):
that's too forward. I don't like that. I don't like
when a women talks like that and you're like, okay, well,
I find so like I always I always feel like,
you know, I'm a little too honest things sometimes, But whatever,
I'm not going to change that. No, I don't think
you should. Okay, So this is Chloe, Is it this
about Chris Jenner? I mean, we can only hope. By

(56:12):
the way, Chris Jenner sent me a satin pillow or
silk pillow or whatever the funk it is, and I
have to say it's magical. I've never had one of
those because I just always thought, like, I mean, I
do so much ship. We didn't get so many lasers
that I don't have to worry about not getting crinkles
on my face when I'm sleeping because I make up
for I supplemented in other ways. But this silk pillow
case or whatever her brand is I don't know what

(56:33):
it's called, but it's delicious. Oh wonderful. I love that
you call them crinkles. Also, I sleep on my side
and I wake up my face looks like I've been
sleeping a concrete all night. I know you can get
one of those pillows that have like the little pads
that come up so you put your head in it.
I have one of those at my house and so
you can't turn and they're really comfortable. I have so

(56:54):
many different pillow stipulations. In the middle of the night,
I have to change it up. Then at like three
I need a different pillow. So I still need to
meet your dogs. Oh, I know, hopefully before they cross over.
There are two additional pillows. You're gonna be there in
l A in February. I'll have them come to see
one of your shows. I would love that they'll clap

(57:14):
softly in the background. Oh, I'm miss bert Well, Chloe says,
dear Chelsea. I married the love of my life a
week ago today. Everything about our wedding day was so
perfect except one thing. His mother was so far beyond
disrespectful that I've cried almost every day since just thinking
about it. She showed up intoxicated and walked up to

(57:38):
us as we were taking pictures, right before having our
first look. She had a rotten attitude right off the bat.
Didn't compliment me or my dress, didn't say hi, and
when I complimented her on her outfit, she blew me off.
My sister complimented her as well, and she just walked away.
Even though we were ahead of schedule, the schedule that

(57:58):
my coordinator had made, she was trying to hurry pictures
along and do things on her own timeline. She released
her family to go get dinner before the DJ had
announced it was time to eat, and before my husband
and I had even dish up. She came up to
us as we were walking around, trying to say hello
to every table, clapping her hands at us and telling
us to move it along and get the music going,

(58:18):
even though the speeches hadn't even started and people were
still dishing up food. I was firm and told her
we were going by the schedule. The speeches were hilarious
and heartfelt, though you wouldn't know it by the look
on her face. She stared at us with a deadpan
look across her face the entire time they were happening.
It definitely took me out of what was supposed to
be a funny and touching moment. There's more, but this

(58:39):
email would be a college dissertation if I kept typing.
She made me feel like absolute shit, and I certainly
know her true feelings about me. Now my question is
how do I handle this. I honestly never want to
see her again, but obviously that's not an option. Though
my husband is a hundred percent on my side and
said we aren't going to her house for Thanksgiving. Thank
you for reading this, and I look forward to any

(59:00):
advice that you have with love Chloe. And Chloe did mention.
I said, you know, is the drinking a habitual thing
with her? And she says no, she hardly ever drinks.
So that's why this was very out of character. Oh
that's a twist, I thought for sure. Hi Chloe, Hi, Hi,
You show up at Thanksgiving to her house and when

(59:21):
I say wasted, I mean I don't even want you
to be able to walk through the front door. I
think that's a great strategy. Dontorry, I think Thanksgiving is
not going to be happening. Also, are you a nurse?
I am in dental hygiene school work. Yeah, so she's
not a drinker, and she just got ways. She must
have been nervous, right, I think. So she's just really

(59:41):
emotional about the whole thanks, Like that's her only child
getting married. I guess she should be happy that he's
getting married. That's what I thought. So I was like,
pretty honestly, like, I was pretty devastated when it just
was the opposite. I'm like, aren't you happy for us?
I am? Yeah, yeah, I think on see, you have
to really feel pity for her, because, I mean, that's

(01:00:03):
so sad that she ruined the wedding for herself and
for so many other people. But listen, she didn't ruin
your wedding. Don't let her ruin that day. I know
you don't, because you're in love and you just said
you married the love of your life. That's an unfortunate
thing to have had happen. It will be funny in
a certain amount of time. Yes, I was going to
say the same thing. It's a funny story. She's a
hot mess and her like complimenting your outfit and her

(01:00:25):
not receiving the compliment about hers. Of course she didn't.
She's fucking wasted. She can't even hear anything you're saying.
You know, she's in a she was in a blackout.
Probably does she have any recollection of the wedding? Do
you know from your husband? Has he spoken to her?
Oh there's a ghost in your house. Do you see
that ghost that just went through your door? I swear

(01:00:47):
we just saw a shutow. I'm sure it's the computer screen.
So don't worry. Well, I love I love true crime
and all that. So okay, Well that ghosts are a
lot different than you cried. But whatever, it's true. Wow,
it's not dark it started dark story. Oh my god,

(01:01:08):
what did your husband say to her after the wedding?
That's my thing is, like, we haven't there's been no communication. Really.
All we had was just a text from her to
my husband saying like I should probably apologize for some
things I don't really remember. And that was it. Yeah,
she doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know what happened.
I would say, listen, as a bigger person, which you

(01:01:31):
obviously are, just try to not take it so seriously.
What happened. It's an incident, and you don't want to
just hold all this anger and resentment towards her because
she clearly obviously has issues. She probably had a really
hard time with the day, losing her son in her mind,
and she tried to, you know, help that situation by

(01:01:52):
over stimulating herself. And I'm sure she regrets it. I'm
sure she's in a very deep shame spiral. There's no
way that you can act like that and not feel
like an asshole afterward, you know what I mean, especially
when you're not a drinker. She's not a normal drunk,
so she's going to have shame about it. Obviously, give
it some time, but try to forgive her, you know,
let her apologize to you in due time, and if

(01:02:13):
she doesn't, just go. You know, that was really unfortunate.
It was a really unfortunate part of the day. Luckily
it didn't ruin my day. But when I think back
on that day, I do remember that, and that's that's
always going to be with me and now you have
to live with that. But don't hold this against her
for the rest of her life, you know what I mean.
Not going there for Thanksgiving, you're setting enough of a
signal that's going to be devastating for her if that's

(01:02:35):
her only son. And I do think you should find
a way to make it funny. I know that sounds
hard to do right now, but you either get like
a caricature artist to draw like your wedding with her
just like creeping in the background, drunk, clapping at birds,
drinking like pist off every picture, just because there is
something funny about being Nope, not like going back to
the ghost, but you literally being haunted by a drunk

(01:02:57):
woman the whole wedding, and it's kind of hysterical. I mean, yeah,
I guess you're right. It's everything really like rolls off
my back and I like laugh everything off honestly. So yeah,
I just had to really considered doing that with this.
Give it, give it some in forgiveness. Yeah, it's funny.
We both started laughing as soon as we've heard you
they're your letter, not like in a way that we

(01:03:19):
know it's going to be funny, because all things like
this end up being hilarious, you know. So just you're
you're gonna be fine. Don't don't harbor all this resentment
towards her. I know it's going to take a little
bit of time for you to get past it. You
can be upset, but you know, try and understand where
she's coming from. It's not an excuse, but you know,
then you're the bigger person, and then there's really nothing
to argue with and it might make you closer. Yeah,

(01:03:43):
that's true. Yeah, especially if she does apologize. It is
really kind of more sad than anything else. You know,
it's just kind of pathetic, like that's the father or
the mother of the groom. Yeah, the new mother in
law of the ghost. The way you feel about it,
it will loom less large in your mind. And I
love this idea of like turning it into a joke.
But when I got married, we had a situation where

(01:04:03):
like it was the most rain in a hundred and
fifty years. The person who was going to do the
videography couldn't make it, and so it was like a
cousin of somebody who wound up doing it. And for
some reason, they decided after I walked down the aisle
they should turn off the camera for a little while,
and so they did, and then missed most of our
ceremony and finally turned it back on like in the

(01:04:25):
middle of the vows sort of thing. And I was
so hurt and crushed by that that for years I
didn't watch my wedding video, and then a couple of
years ago I finally watched it back and realized there
was so much more of the ceremony, which was only
like twenty minutes long, but there was so much more
than I remembered that was there, and it's such a happy,
wonderful memory now. So like your feelings around it will

(01:04:46):
change and you you'll feel better about it. The most
mature thing you can do is to know that you're
going to feel differently about this in a little bit. Yeah. Yeah,
I guess I was pretty recent, so maybe just some
time I would be grateful. Listen, you have a great
life ahead of you. You're with you the love of
your life. You don't have time to Harvard resentment towards
his idiot mother who cares. Yeah, and now you get

(01:05:09):
to be married to him. Yeah, yeah, it's very exciting. Yeah.
And hopefully you're the daughter that you are son that
you guys create together, won't be an alcoholic like her grandmother.
And for Christmas, center a bottle of vodka and say
I thought of you. On every wedding anniversary, you can
center a bottle of vodka and go happy anniversary. We

(01:05:30):
know this is your favorite day. Okay, yeah, this already
is funny to me. So thank you. Okay, take care,
We love you. Thanks Chloe. Oh that was I'm glad
we took that call. Good call. And I know it's
like someone calls in with a serious problem that the

(01:05:52):
two people are who sitting here and fucking laughing laughing
at the very first sentence. But that is kind of
what you need it Like, where when has anyone been
to a wedding where there wasn't a drunk asshole. That's
the thing. My mom always says, something goes wrong at
every single wedding, whether somebody puts the cake in the
sun and it falls over or whatever. My sister in law,

(01:06:12):
the pastor, brought out a laser pointer in the middle
of it. Like, something goes wrong and weird at every wedding.
So this is just her thing. You know, what do
you think went wrong at Tiffany Trump's wedding? Oh my god,
I saw the funniest thing. I have to show you, Matteo.
You guys, I'll read this to you. Catherine, my friend
just posted something so fucking funny. It's a picture of
all of that picture of Tiffany Trump. Okay, she is

(01:06:36):
my favorite of the Trump family. It's hard to have
a favorite because it's like it's really it's Lana Trump,
Marla Maples, Tiffany Trump in the middle, then Milania and
then Ivanka. So they're all standing together and it says
traditional family values standing between your mom and the chick
you're dad cheated on your mom with who was standing

(01:06:56):
next to your half sister, whose mom your tent sheeted
on with your This is so solid, so solid. All Okay,
well I figure on that note, we're gonna have to
take a break and wrap it up. Yeah, okay, let's

(01:07:17):
take a break. I'm gonna put poteto in the bubble
bath and we're back, and we're back. Well, Matteo, we're
going to wrap up. But is there any advice you'd
like from Chelsea? There is advice i'd like from you.
How do you handle criticism about your act? I mean,

(01:07:40):
there's more evidence that points to your own success than
there is that points to your own detriment. For me,
I have enough experience to know that I have what
I've got it. I've got the goods, and you know
that you've got the goods. So for all those like
little people who want to be in your ear or

(01:08:01):
on your Instagram. Those aren't the voices that you have
to care about, because you could look at like three
hundred comments and you see one out of three hundred,
and then we focus on that. No, you're focusing on
the other two, right, But also what you're really focusing
on is not ever paying attention to any of those
comments either way, and focusing on the trust that you

(01:08:22):
have in yourself as a performer. And I think that
just gets louder and louder over time. You know, the
more experience you have, the more you know that you
know what's up and that you've got the goods. And
that's all you have to say to yourself is I've
got the goods. Yeah. Yeah, everyone should say that to themselves,
regardless of what you do. Yeah, that's awesome, even if
you're at a wedding drunk. Yeah, I've good. I just

(01:08:45):
lost him. Okay, Well, Mattello, I love you so much.
I thank you. What an entertaining, fun episode. Yeah, we're
gonna have to have Matteo come back as a regular. Yes,
it was really it really lightened things up. Yes, and Matteo,
I do following you on Instagram and I think you're perfect.
Thank you. Yeah. You want to see somebody who is

(01:09:06):
multitalented and multifaceted. You can follow him on Instagram, TikTok
where else? YouTube? Go to YouTube. He's putting out a
special on YouTube soon. That's already out my YouTube page.
Mataito Lane, Mattel Lane. Oh yeah, yeah, you guys go
watch his special on YouTube. It's gonna you're gonna fucking
thank us. And you can find him on Netflix's comedy specials,
stand Out and the Comedy Lineup. Okay, have a great day.

(01:09:29):
Thank you. Hi, don't forget to watch my special on Netflix.
You guys revolution, It's a revolution. So if you'd like
advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear
Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a
production of I Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stuff,
produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad

(01:09:51):
Dick Hurt.