What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? When it comes to trauma, it turns out Kelly Clarkson might be wrong on this one, and that’s a good thing! With so much darkness in the news, we at LoveStruck wanted to spend today talking about self-love, and spread some love from the world around us too. Guest hosts Emile Ennis Jr. and Bex Taylor-Klaus shine some light on new findings about healing trauma, and share what is keeping them up, hopeful and supported.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everyone. I'm a Mill and I am Bex. What
doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right or maybe not
so right? Sometimes as things get hard, we just want
to grab our friends, parents, landline, call our parents and cry, mom,
can you pick me up? I mean we've all been there, right,
(00:22):
Love with that kind of the same. I'm in love
with you. Listen, We're guest hosting Love Struck Daily. Today.
We're giving you something a little bit different from what
(00:44):
we're used to. You know, instead of talking about love
for a person, we're going to talk about love and
a broader sense, love for our planet, love for this
world and all the people in it, because that's what
matters most to us. But Bex, they might be asking,
who are these people this podcast? So why don't you
kick it off and tell us a little bit about you? Absolutely?
(01:06):
I am Bex Taylor Claus. I am a non binary
actor and producer. I'm based in l A. And mostly
I'm I'm chasing queer joy in my life, so I'm
excited to be here to try to bring a little
bit of joy to this unending chaos. I love it um.
I'm also based in l A. My name is a
Mill and its junior. I'm a TV hosting personality. UM
(01:30):
and yeah, I kind of the same. Like I My
my main goal is to just make people smile and
bring them joy, which with as little judgment as possible. Um.
I feel like there's way too many people in this
world who have their own opinions and they try to
force them on other people and all these different things.
And I feel like we just all loved each other.
The world will be a better place, and we'll kind
of get into more of that as we go along.
(01:53):
We're both millennials, and you know, we're gonna keep this positive.
But the world sucks. It's terrifying. It's like every day
is like you have the urge to call your mom
and be like, Mom, pick me up. I'm scared, But
she's never gonna come. It's up to us. Now, she's
not coming. It's it's really up to us. And and and
the thing is, you know, I know we all open
our phone, some of us are addicted to these apps,
(02:14):
and rightfully so, just because you need that distraction from
what's going on outside. But here's the thing. I feel
like we were all raised to believe certain things. Um.
Everybody obviously grew up different but our generation, like we really, uh,
we really were taught to kind of avoid it and
it will go away, and it's not going away. So
that's what we're here for. We were handed this mess
(02:35):
by a bunch of adults who were like, well, we'll
just leave it for the next generation. We were told
to do that as well, but I don't think that
any of us listened. Nobody listened. And we're here too
not only bring you something to smile about, but also
kind of talk about those deeper topics with a little
(02:55):
bit of levity and a little bit of depth. So
let's get into it by start with the game that
we're calling five good signs. So, uh, you have a
minute to name five things, just five good things. So
do you do you want to start or do you
want me to start? Oh? Man, this is this is
a challenge. Let's do this. Five good things. That's all right? Ready,
(03:18):
start the timer now, okay. First good thing is the
Executive Order signs to advance l g B, t q
I equality. Um. The other good thing is the Transgender
Bill of Rights that's being pushed right now and hopefully
we'll be signed. That one gives me hope. Oh, there
was this Uh. Something I saw on TikTok about a
(03:39):
queer meet up for travelers, queer travelers on the road,
queer and interracial couples who are traveling on the road,
And I was like, I didn't know that existed. That's
so cool. That gives me hope. Um. Something else that
gives me hope is this next generation of absolute lunatics
who are out here trying to fix everything that was broken,
like and making us look like old people while they're
(04:01):
at it. Even though we're millennials, we're still young. It's fine.
I think about a time, might have time, five seconds.
Last good thing? Dogs Dogs are always good dogs. Give
me hope. Yes, I loved all of those. I also
didn't know about that. What you say, it's a travel
meet up for gay and racial couples. Yeah, I didn't
(04:21):
know that existed. But there are all these like since pandemic,
all these couples have started like hitting the road and
bringing their lives on the road, and they're safe meetups
for queer people and inter racial couples. Soon may not have,
you know, safe spots to go to on the road.
I love that so much. Whenever I travel, you know,
we always have to think about, you know, those things.
We can't just go anywhere because we want to make
sure that we're safe. So I absolutely love that. I'm
(04:43):
gonna look more into that. All right, Um, okay, I
guess we're gonna start the timer for me. Three two.
I'll kick it off with dogs, because I love my
dog Kingston. He's just a good sign. Anytime, you know,
when I opened this door and we're done taping this podcast,
he will be there island, And that's a good sign
there is still good in this world. Second thing I
saw there was a little boy who learned to do
(05:06):
the Heimlich maneuver from the show The Good Doctor and
save somebody's life. And that blew my mind because people
always talk about entertainment and TV and social media and
all these things saying that it can't bring any good,
but you can actually learn from these things. You can
educate yourself in different ways. So I absolutely love that.
Before I really, you know, got successful hosting, I was
a server and I saw that somebody left the bartender
(05:28):
like a four thousand dollar tip on a hundred and
forty one dollar bill, and that made me happy. The
most ever got was like thirty dollars on a ten
dollar buildering Christmas time and that was amazing. Uh something
else that's good. Oh, I'm married, got married a few
weeks ago. Congratulations, And that's a big deal. I wanted
(05:50):
a minute now, you can't call time on. No. I
appreciate it. As a son of a pastor and who
grew up in the South, marrying um, the man of
my dreams was a big deal. And I'm just very
very I feel blessed that, you know, we were able
to make it happen. But that was five good signs.
(06:11):
You actually got to five. I got to four. But
yours should count double because any gay wedding should count
as a double win. Okay, I will take that. I
will take that. So we did our five good signs.
So hopefully that made you smile and gave you a
little bit of hope. But our main goal for this
show is to find current events, news, anything really that
we think is essential for us to share with you.
(06:33):
And today the Love Struck team brought us a recent
study about the nature of trauma and post traumatic stress
that we can't wait to share with you. It may
just may change the way you think about some of
the hard experiences in your life. And you may be asking,
are we qualified psychologists? Absolutely not. Are we just two
(06:53):
people trying to figure out how to exactly maneuver this
bizarre world of ours looking for any sort of help
along the way. Absolutely, So let's go ahead and get
into it. And yeah, let's get into let's get into
kind of what this study says. So it turns out
that we have significant flaws in the studies of post
(07:14):
traumatic growth. For centuries, we've assumed that most people who
experienced traumatic experiences go on to develop this greater appreciation
for life or strong relationships and emotional strength, and this
has always been called post traumatic growth. So often this
thought can be comforting. A lot of terrible things can happen.
Sometimes this makes it feel worth it And pause right there?
(07:37):
How many times has something happened to you? And then
people try to encourage you and say, but you should
be grateful to that happen because look at you now,
and it's like, okay, it's the worst. Didn't have to happen,
Like yeah, like how does this help me? Like I
get that it got me to where this is, but
how does your reminding me of that helped me? Right now?
It is almost as if they're saying that if this
(07:58):
thing didn't happen to you, you would never gotten too
like the place you were at today, but we'll never know.
And yeah, you would never know, did you? I mean,
I don't want to get you personal, but did you
like grew up with a traumatic childhood or in like
major traumatic experiences and we're told like, oh, you know it,
it's going to make you stronger in the long run. Oh. Absolutely.
I I grew up with with some medical trauma. I
(08:20):
have some chronic health issues and illnesses, and growing up
I was told that this is this is how you
become a fighter. And I even was told, like, look
at your grandfather for an example, He's had a pacemaker
for thirty years and he was given five to live.
So as long as you just hunker down and be
(08:43):
better than the odds you've been given, you can survive.
And on the one hand, it's like, yeah, that that
did teach me how to fight for myself and and
fight for my health. And I'm still dealing with the
healthcare trauma of it, and and and the reality is
that when I get sick, I get scared. And I
don't think that that particular thing makes me any stronger
(09:07):
in the long run. If that makes sense. No, it
totally makes sense. I feel like for so many of us,
we were told that these things make you stronger without
actually addressing like the feelings within. And we're gonna get
into that when we get into this study. But even
when I try to think about, you know, traumatic experiences
growing up, I think, you know, for me, being in
the closet was obviously a traumatic experience just in general
(09:30):
navigating that, But like there were other things that maybe
I've blocked or that I didn't realize until I started
going to therapy literally last year, because I was against
therapy for so long because I was like, I don't
I don't need that, I don't need to you know what,
what's the purpose of like breaking down these walls and
going into these deeper emotions and feelings, because that's how
many of us were taught to navigate its just to
(09:52):
you know, swallow it, let it go and move on
and it will make you stronger. But just bottle it
up until it explodes, right, and then when you have
these random days where you just start crying like I
don't know what's wrong. Well, maybe we talked about things more.
We could figure out what's wrong. We just assumed that
one we either shouldn't have those feelings, or two it's
(10:13):
a burden for people, when really, if we all stopped
looking at it as a burden and realized that if
we opened up about our trauma, opened up about our
experiences and emotions, that we can find commonalities within each
other's experiences that maybe we can all grow from. I
think that would be an amazing thing. Did I get
to our am today because of things that happened in
my past? Absolutely? Could I have gotten here without some
(10:34):
of those things happening? Possibly? People don't. We have no
way of knowing, right, We literally have no way of knowing.
So I love that this uh. This study came out
based on a series of talks presented in Chicago at
the Association for a Psychological Science. Say that ten times fast.
Some researchers all this perspective largely illusory. Some researchers all
(11:08):
this perspective largely illusory. They say that because these surveys
have always required people to assess their personal growth over time,
the results reskewed. Now back when they did these studies,
they would have people do these surveys and it goes
into this talk of with these surveys. It's hard to
let somebody do a survey talking about this growth because
(11:29):
most people feel like if they don't have this growth,
or they still have negative feelings or emotions or trauma,
then I don't want to say punishes the word, but
like they're doing something wrong. I didn't even realize until
I read that that we are, especially in Western culture,
like ingrained to think that everything has to have a
happy ending, and I think it does hinder how we
(11:51):
process it some of these emotions and feeling. I've been
watching Love Island and something that's been happening, of course
I have guard I've been watching Love Island UK and
one thing that's happening in the in the most recent
two episodes is this guy is like, we've been through
so much we have to work out. We just have
to because we've been through all this. And I keep
(12:14):
hearing that and going, no, it doesn't have to be
for any reason. You don't have to have gone through
all this trauma in order for it to work in
the long run. Maybe you've gone through all this trauma
because it's not working and it's never going to. Don't
keep pushing on something that hurts because you hope that
it will stop hurting eventually, because it might not. That
(12:36):
is so true, and I think so many of us
are I think, at least to so many of us
just being afraid of the unknown, which unfortunately causes us
to lean more into the trauma because it's something that
we're familiar with. Historically, psychologists thought, you know, if a
person couldn't rebound from a traumatic event, that that was
(12:57):
a person failing. And research after the Vietnam more change
that narrative and collectively our understanding the PTSD. And as
it turns out, only one fifth the people who experienced
trauma develop PTSD. And then in two thousand nine, a
study in Psychological Science said the undergraduate students participated two
reported experiencing a traumatic event during um that week period,
(13:19):
and then they filled out a survey comparing their current
state of mind to the past. They say people are
terrible at remembering how they felt in the past, and
this led psychologists to wonder if people are able to
accurately report how they have grown. And then another problem
with the old way of studying this is the participants
feel pressure. Like I was saying, earlier to show that
they've grown, and not growing is shown as a regression
(13:39):
of a personal failing, even when it's not right. It
really makes me happy though, when these type of studies
and articles come out and they're like, Okay, let's look
at something that's been established for so long and let's
kind of like just really break this down and see
if that's accurate and is it actually, you know, working
for people in this world. And another way to improve
(14:00):
has been developed by Adrian Bulls, who's asking people whether
they have changed because of traumatic event or despite of it.
And that's an important distinction. I really like that question, right,
I wasn't even aware of and I don't know if
you've experienced this, bet, but I would be in a
therapy session and she would ask one question like midway
through that would unlock something. I don't know if you
(14:21):
guys have seen on um those means where it's like
core memory unlock, knew it unlocked something that completely blocked
or forgot about, and I'm like whoa, And then the
tears start flowing and you realize that you have blocked
this trauma or blocked this event or blocked whoever this is,
and all those times where you're saying, no, I don't
know where this coming from. It's like, oh, no, I
didn't know. I just I had it, no whatever, And
(14:43):
I don't know when we got to this point where
we were told like not to talk about those things.
But you talked earlier about you know, this newer generation
or these new word generations, and I I think that's
one of the things I love is that they're so
it's almost like this brutal honesty and openness that feels
uncomfortable to you, not just millennials, but definitely people who
are older than us. But it's it's something that is
(15:06):
also refreshing because we were I mean growing up like
you just didn't talk about certain things, didn't open up
about a lot of things. And hell I had a
queer guidance counselor who told me not to come out.
It was just different. One thing I'm really excited about
this next generation is that, well, there was another study
that came out recently that was essentially proving the existence
(15:28):
of generational trauma. And what I'm excited about this next
generation is, you know, I like to think that the
millennials are the ones in the labs figuring out the
answers in these studies, and the generations after us are
the ones going, Okay, thanks for showing us. Now we're
going to fix it. Now, we're going to get rid
of this generational trauma that has been passed down to
(15:49):
us for decades centuries. Yeah. And I have so much
respect for this new generation because that is their mindset
while we're stuck here going in the like, oh god,
I'm an adult, I'm supposed to be doing things. Oh no.
The younger generation is like, I don't want to be
an adult, but I'm going to fix it so the
adults don't have to absolutely, And I think it gives
(16:13):
me so much hope, Like it really does give me hope.
I wake up every day. Obviously you have to keep
up with the news, like you, I want to just
avoid it, but you have its sad reality, and even
if you do try to avoid it, you'll get an
alert or a headline or you'll just be scrolling on
social media and it will be happy, happy, happy. I wish.
(16:34):
I remember what I saw the other day and I
was just like like, are you are you actually kidding me?
Like what is going on? Like I think one two
days ago. I saw something in Texas where it was
like a field of mosquitoes and it was the most
like it was millions of mosquitoes. Just I am never
seeing anything like that. And then, um, anyway, I'm always
just scrolling and it will go from happy to what
(16:55):
is going on? To back to happy, And I think
that's kind of the the limbo that we're all in
just to cope and maintain. But what I love about,
you know, this this study and what people are doing,
because there was another study that was led by scientists
at Brown University in the US and the University of
Concepcion in Chile. Is it just blew my mind? Because
(17:30):
there was another study that was led by scientists at
Brown University in the US and the University of Concepcion
in Chile. Is it just blew my mind? They actually
did examination UH eleven one hundred and sixty Chileans in
two thousand three and two thousand eleven before and after earthquake.
The study found that if individuals had experienced a certain
(17:51):
number of stretchers before the earthquake and other parts of
their lives, they were actually more likely to develop PTSD
after the earthquake, which made them question this trauma actually
make you stronger? Well, yeah, and that also goes back
into like the whole the one fifth of people who
experienced trauma developing PTSD. Well, what if those one in
(18:12):
five have all experienced excess of trauma leading up to
that final traumatic event. Whoa I think about when it
comes to COVID, right, because some people don't want to
talk about it, but like I, COVID has been traumatic
for many of us. People lost their lives, some people
got like dangerously ill, people lost their livelihood, their way
(18:33):
of life, their career, all sorts of things, so many things,
and you know, you had these traumatic events over the years.
I know for us millennials, they're certain defining moments. You know,
there was hind eleven, there was like there were there
were certain things where we like definitely remembering it changed
our lives. And I even think about, like before COVID,
I was stressed with the job I was working, And
(18:55):
after COVID hit and we moved to home and we
were doing all these things, it became this build up
which one led me to get into therapy and then
to let me to actually leaving that job, realizing it
was toxic and I feel like not to compare my
job to an earthquake, But I say all that to
say when that traumatic experience happened, it really enhanced the
(19:15):
stressors that I was having before with that job, and
I was like, oh, and it made me more aware
of oh, gosh, I have to get out of this
because I can't even handle it anymore. So I really
do love that these studies are coming out and that
we are actually saying out loud that hey, the whole
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger maybe isn't the
best thing, And in fact it may There may be
(19:38):
basis to say the exact opposite, that what doesn't kill
you actually leaves you more sensitive to the next thing
that tries to kill you. Yes, absolutely, it's the same
thing with heat exhaustion. Like I after having heat exhaustion,
once they tell you straight up, you are more likely
to get it a second, third, fourth time because your
body now knows what it's like and is now more
(19:59):
at risk for it. Why wouldn't trauma be the same thing.
Here's a quick set of fun facts about what doesn't
kill you makes you stronger Because a lot of people
are going to attribute that to Kelly Clarkson, that is
not who said it first. I was actually Nietzsche who
said it first, Like like classic philosopher. If you want
to know more about the original what doesn't kill you
(20:20):
makes you stronger, definitely go check out some Nietsche. Okay,
I would love to have a conversation with him based
on this these new findings though, right, And I guess
my my follow up question that that is, now that
we know about this, what can we actually do to
improve this beyond just therapist And I think the first
thing I'll say is if somebody comes to you with
(20:42):
the traumatic experience, they're dealing with these emotions, they're trying
to navigate it. I think the biggest thing that I
want to work on is just listening and not going
straight into that but everything's gonna be okay. Just really
listening and hearing those emotions, hearing those feelings, and not
guaranteeing that everything is gonna be okay. Just I'm here
(21:02):
for you whatever you need. That's what I've tried to
get better at. Like that, it's so ingrained in me
to say everything's gonna be okay, there's gonna be a
positive outcome. I know that this happened to you, but
as opposed to man, that's really hard. How do you feel?
Let's talk about it. That's one thing that I know.
(21:22):
I'm just gonna keep referencing Strange Media's but I'm going
for Frozen two this time, so we're gonna keep it
like weird eclectic vibe. Um. But in Frozen two we
see we see Kristof really embodying that. He said, his
line is literally, I'm here, how can I help? Yeah?
And I want more of us to have that Chris
(21:44):
Stop energy, you know, just that that sensitivity to not
just those we love, but anybody stuck on this earth
with us. Compassion. Mm hmm. I love that compassion and
if I feel like that's what this episode has been
all about, listen, as we draw to a close, we
(22:05):
want to recognize that talking about issues like this can
feel overwhelming. These are big problems and it's hard to
know where to start. We're right here with you, but
the thing is we do all have to do something
because no one else is going to. So instead of
trying to go out there and trying to make a
massive difference overnight, we challenge you to try and make
a tiny change in your life today a one percent change.
(22:26):
Can you improve something in your life by one percent
or do a tiny thing that makes a difference in
the world, Do it and do it again tomorrow. Pretty
soon those percentage points will add up for me my
one percent challenge, I think, But I'll just do what
I just said, just to listen more, listen more, and
and and realize I don't have all the answers. None
of us do listen and and and be kind. That's
(22:48):
that's my challenge. Um, as I go into this week,
what about you bags? I love that. I love that.
I think. What I'm going to do this week is
when my friends come to me, I'm going to try
to remember to ask and because because I want to listen,
but I also want to ask um what they need,
because I you know, sometimes I just barrel through and
(23:09):
go straight for like, okay, solution mode. But it's I
want to really ask my friends compassion or solution when
when they when they need supports, so that I can
support them the best that they need. Oh my gosh,
I am totally going to start using that compassion or solution. Also,
I'm going to use that in my marriage, like what
(23:30):
we're going through it's so good. That's a game change
or compassion or lose. I can't tell you how many
times like I'm like, I don't want a solution right now.
I just want you all listen to me, please exactly.
I had a full meltdown yesterday and my wife is
on the floor with me, going, do you just want
me to hold you? An? I love it so much,
it's so helpful. Let us know what your one percent
(23:53):
challenge is for this week. Please please please right in
and let us know. Um, and also thank you all
for listening. We really do appreciate it. So you can
follow along with the show on Love Struck Daily on
Instagram and Twitter. Again, that's at love Struck Daily on
Instagram and Twitter, or you can email love Struck Daily
(24:15):
at frolic dot Media. I highly recommend this one because
I just I love the word Fralic. Why would you
not want to email with frolic in the name? Yes,
please do email Love Struck Daily at that media. And
then where can we find you? I'm on Instagram at
bex underscore t K and on Twitter at I bex
WebEx i UM. And then for me, I'm on Instagram
(24:42):
and Twitter at a mil in its junior and I'm
on TikTok at a mill in his junior thirty one.
Oh yeah, if you want to find me on TikTok,
you've got a search for me. I'm not going to
tell you what it is because it's more fun that way. Oh.
We have a challenge. We have the challenge, and then
we have the Fine be on TikTok Challenge. So that's
our researcher for this is Jesse Epstein and our editor
(25:04):
is Jen Jacobs. We're produced by Abigail Steckler with Little
Scorpion Studios. Were executive produced by Frolic Media and this
is an I Heart Radio podcast. We do appreciate you
listening and we will see you next time. I'm in
love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in
(25:38):
love with you.
Hello everyone. I'm a Mill and I am Bex. What
doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right or maybe not
so right? Sometimes as things get hard, we just want
to grab our friends, parents, landline, call our parents and cry, mom,
can you pick me up? I mean we've all been there, right,
(00:22):
Love with that kind of the same. I'm in love
with you. Listen, We're guest hosting Love Struck Daily. Today.
We're giving you something a little bit different from what
(00:44):
we're used to. You know, instead of talking about love
for a person, we're going to talk about love and
a broader sense, love for our planet, love for this
world and all the people in it, because that's what
matters most to us. But Bex, they might be asking,
who are these people this podcast? So why don't you
kick it off and tell us a little bit about you? Absolutely?
(01:06):
I am Bex Taylor Claus. I am a non binary
actor and producer. I'm based in l A. And mostly
I'm I'm chasing queer joy in my life, so I'm
excited to be here to try to bring a little
bit of joy to this unending chaos. I love it um.
I'm also based in l A. My name is a
Mill and its junior. I'm a TV hosting personality. UM
(01:30):
and yeah, I kind of the same. Like I My
my main goal is to just make people smile and
bring them joy, which with as little judgment as possible. Um.
I feel like there's way too many people in this
world who have their own opinions and they try to
force them on other people and all these different things.
And I feel like we just all loved each other.
The world will be a better place, and we'll kind
of get into more of that as we go along.
(01:53):
We're both millennials, and you know, we're gonna keep this positive.
But the world sucks. It's terrifying. It's like every day
is like you have the urge to call your mom
and be like, Mom, pick me up. I'm scared, But
she's never gonna come. It's up to us. Now, she's
not coming. It's it's really up to us. And and and
the thing is, you know, I know we all open
our phone, some of us are addicted to these apps,
(02:14):
and rightfully so, just because you need that distraction from
what's going on outside. But here's the thing. I feel
like we were all raised to believe certain things. Um.
Everybody obviously grew up different but our generation, like we really, uh,
we really were taught to kind of avoid it and
it will go away, and it's not going away. So
that's what we're here for. We were handed this mess
(02:35):
by a bunch of adults who were like, well, we'll
just leave it for the next generation. We were told
to do that as well, but I don't think that
any of us listened. Nobody listened. And we're here too
not only bring you something to smile about, but also
kind of talk about those deeper topics with a little
(02:55):
bit of levity and a little bit of depth. So
let's get into it by start with the game that
we're calling five good signs. So, uh, you have a
minute to name five things, just five good things. So
do you do you want to start or do you
want me to start? Oh? Man, this is this is
a challenge. Let's do this. Five good things. That's all right? Ready,
(03:18):
start the timer now, okay. First good thing is the
Executive Order signs to advance l g B, t q
I equality. Um. The other good thing is the Transgender
Bill of Rights that's being pushed right now and hopefully
we'll be signed. That one gives me hope. Oh, there
was this Uh. Something I saw on TikTok about a
(03:39):
queer meet up for travelers, queer travelers on the road,
queer and interracial couples who are traveling on the road,
And I was like, I didn't know that existed. That's
so cool. That gives me hope. Um. Something else that
gives me hope is this next generation of absolute lunatics
who are out here trying to fix everything that was broken,
like and making us look like old people while they're
(04:01):
at it. Even though we're millennials, we're still young. It's fine.
I think about a time, might have time, five seconds.
Last good thing? Dogs Dogs are always good dogs. Give
me hope. Yes, I loved all of those. I also
didn't know about that. What you say, it's a travel
meet up for gay and racial couples. Yeah, I didn't
(04:21):
know that existed. But there are all these like since pandemic,
all these couples have started like hitting the road and
bringing their lives on the road, and they're safe meetups
for queer people and inter racial couples. Soon may not have,
you know, safe spots to go to on the road.
I love that so much. Whenever I travel, you know,
we always have to think about, you know, those things.
We can't just go anywhere because we want to make
sure that we're safe. So I absolutely love that. I'm
(04:43):
gonna look more into that. All right, Um, okay, I
guess we're gonna start the timer for me. Three two.
I'll kick it off with dogs, because I love my
dog Kingston. He's just a good sign. Anytime, you know,
when I opened this door and we're done taping this podcast,
he will be there island, And that's a good sign
there is still good in this world. Second thing I
saw there was a little boy who learned to do
(05:06):
the Heimlich maneuver from the show The Good Doctor and
save somebody's life. And that blew my mind because people
always talk about entertainment and TV and social media and
all these things saying that it can't bring any good,
but you can actually learn from these things. You can
educate yourself in different ways. So I absolutely love that.
Before I really, you know, got successful hosting, I was
a server and I saw that somebody left the bartender
(05:28):
like a four thousand dollar tip on a hundred and
forty one dollar bill, and that made me happy. The
most ever got was like thirty dollars on a ten
dollar buildering Christmas time and that was amazing. Uh something
else that's good. Oh, I'm married, got married a few
weeks ago. Congratulations, And that's a big deal. I wanted
(05:50):
a minute now, you can't call time on. No. I
appreciate it. As a son of a pastor and who
grew up in the South, marrying um, the man of
my dreams was a big deal. And I'm just very
very I feel blessed that, you know, we were able
to make it happen. But that was five good signs.
(06:11):
You actually got to five. I got to four. But
yours should count double because any gay wedding should count
as a double win. Okay, I will take that. I
will take that. So we did our five good signs.
So hopefully that made you smile and gave you a
little bit of hope. But our main goal for this
show is to find current events, news, anything really that
we think is essential for us to share with you.
(06:33):
And today the Love Struck team brought us a recent
study about the nature of trauma and post traumatic stress
that we can't wait to share with you. It may
just may change the way you think about some of
the hard experiences in your life. And you may be asking,
are we qualified psychologists? Absolutely not. Are we just two
(06:53):
people trying to figure out how to exactly maneuver this
bizarre world of ours looking for any sort of help
along the way. Absolutely, So let's go ahead and get
into it. And yeah, let's get into let's get into
kind of what this study says. So it turns out
that we have significant flaws in the studies of post
(07:14):
traumatic growth. For centuries, we've assumed that most people who
experienced traumatic experiences go on to develop this greater appreciation
for life or strong relationships and emotional strength, and this
has always been called post traumatic growth. So often this
thought can be comforting. A lot of terrible things can happen.
Sometimes this makes it feel worth it And pause right there?
(07:37):
How many times has something happened to you? And then
people try to encourage you and say, but you should
be grateful to that happen because look at you now,
and it's like, okay, it's the worst. Didn't have to happen,
Like yeah, like how does this help me? Like I
get that it got me to where this is, but
how does your reminding me of that helped me? Right now?
It is almost as if they're saying that if this
(07:58):
thing didn't happen to you, you would never gotten too
like the place you were at today, but we'll never know.
And yeah, you would never know, did you? I mean,
I don't want to get you personal, but did you
like grew up with a traumatic childhood or in like
major traumatic experiences and we're told like, oh, you know it,
it's going to make you stronger in the long run. Oh. Absolutely.
I I grew up with with some medical trauma. I
(08:20):
have some chronic health issues and illnesses, and growing up
I was told that this is this is how you
become a fighter. And I even was told, like, look
at your grandfather for an example, He's had a pacemaker
for thirty years and he was given five to live.
So as long as you just hunker down and be
(08:43):
better than the odds you've been given, you can survive.
And on the one hand, it's like, yeah, that that
did teach me how to fight for myself and and
fight for my health. And I'm still dealing with the
healthcare trauma of it, and and and the reality is
that when I get sick, I get scared. And I
don't think that that particular thing makes me any stronger
(09:07):
in the long run. If that makes sense. No, it
totally makes sense. I feel like for so many of us,
we were told that these things make you stronger without
actually addressing like the feelings within. And we're gonna get
into that when we get into this study. But even
when I try to think about, you know, traumatic experiences
growing up, I think, you know, for me, being in
the closet was obviously a traumatic experience just in general
(09:30):
navigating that, But like there were other things that maybe
I've blocked or that I didn't realize until I started
going to therapy literally last year, because I was against
therapy for so long because I was like, I don't
I don't need that, I don't need to you know what,
what's the purpose of like breaking down these walls and
going into these deeper emotions and feelings, because that's how
many of us were taught to navigate its just to
(09:52):
you know, swallow it, let it go and move on
and it will make you stronger. But just bottle it
up until it explodes, right, and then when you have
these random days where you just start crying like I
don't know what's wrong. Well, maybe we talked about things more.
We could figure out what's wrong. We just assumed that
one we either shouldn't have those feelings, or two it's
(10:13):
a burden for people, when really, if we all stopped
looking at it as a burden and realized that if
we opened up about our trauma, opened up about our
experiences and emotions, that we can find commonalities within each
other's experiences that maybe we can all grow from. I
think that would be an amazing thing. Did I get
to our am today because of things that happened in
my past? Absolutely? Could I have gotten here without some
(10:34):
of those things happening? Possibly? People don't. We have no
way of knowing, right, We literally have no way of knowing.
So I love that this uh. This study came out
based on a series of talks presented in Chicago at
the Association for a Psychological Science. Say that ten times fast.
Some researchers all this perspective largely illusory. Some researchers all
(11:08):
this perspective largely illusory. They say that because these surveys
have always required people to assess their personal growth over time,
the results reskewed. Now back when they did these studies,
they would have people do these surveys and it goes
into this talk of with these surveys. It's hard to
let somebody do a survey talking about this growth because
(11:29):
most people feel like if they don't have this growth,
or they still have negative feelings or emotions or trauma,
then I don't want to say punishes the word, but
like they're doing something wrong. I didn't even realize until
I read that that we are, especially in Western culture,
like ingrained to think that everything has to have a
happy ending, and I think it does hinder how we
(11:51):
process it some of these emotions and feeling. I've been
watching Love Island and something that's been happening, of course
I have guard I've been watching Love Island UK and
one thing that's happening in the in the most recent
two episodes is this guy is like, we've been through
so much we have to work out. We just have
to because we've been through all this. And I keep
(12:14):
hearing that and going, no, it doesn't have to be
for any reason. You don't have to have gone through
all this trauma in order for it to work in
the long run. Maybe you've gone through all this trauma
because it's not working and it's never going to. Don't
keep pushing on something that hurts because you hope that
it will stop hurting eventually, because it might not. That
(12:36):
is so true, and I think so many of us
are I think, at least to so many of us
just being afraid of the unknown, which unfortunately causes us
to lean more into the trauma because it's something that
we're familiar with. Historically, psychologists thought, you know, if a
person couldn't rebound from a traumatic event, that that was
(12:57):
a person failing. And research after the Vietnam more change
that narrative and collectively our understanding the PTSD. And as
it turns out, only one fifth the people who experienced
trauma develop PTSD. And then in two thousand nine, a
study in Psychological Science said the undergraduate students participated two
reported experiencing a traumatic event during um that week period,
(13:19):
and then they filled out a survey comparing their current
state of mind to the past. They say people are
terrible at remembering how they felt in the past, and
this led psychologists to wonder if people are able to
accurately report how they have grown. And then another problem
with the old way of studying this is the participants
feel pressure. Like I was saying, earlier to show that
they've grown, and not growing is shown as a regression
(13:39):
of a personal failing, even when it's not right. It
really makes me happy though, when these type of studies
and articles come out and they're like, Okay, let's look
at something that's been established for so long and let's
kind of like just really break this down and see
if that's accurate and is it actually, you know, working
for people in this world. And another way to improve
(14:00):
has been developed by Adrian Bulls, who's asking people whether
they have changed because of traumatic event or despite of it.
And that's an important distinction. I really like that question, right,
I wasn't even aware of and I don't know if
you've experienced this, bet, but I would be in a
therapy session and she would ask one question like midway
through that would unlock something. I don't know if you
(14:21):
guys have seen on um those means where it's like
core memory unlock, knew it unlocked something that completely blocked
or forgot about, and I'm like whoa, And then the
tears start flowing and you realize that you have blocked
this trauma or blocked this event or blocked whoever this is,
and all those times where you're saying, no, I don't
know where this coming from. It's like, oh, no, I
didn't know. I just I had it, no whatever, And
(14:43):
I don't know when we got to this point where
we were told like not to talk about those things.
But you talked earlier about you know, this newer generation
or these new word generations, and I I think that's
one of the things I love is that they're so
it's almost like this brutal honesty and openness that feels
uncomfortable to you, not just millennials, but definitely people who
are older than us. But it's it's something that is
(15:06):
also refreshing because we were I mean growing up like
you just didn't talk about certain things, didn't open up
about a lot of things. And hell I had a
queer guidance counselor who told me not to come out.
It was just different. One thing I'm really excited about
this next generation is that, well, there was another study
that came out recently that was essentially proving the existence
(15:28):
of generational trauma. And what I'm excited about this next
generation is, you know, I like to think that the
millennials are the ones in the labs figuring out the
answers in these studies, and the generations after us are
the ones going, Okay, thanks for showing us. Now we're
going to fix it. Now, we're going to get rid
of this generational trauma that has been passed down to
(15:49):
us for decades centuries. Yeah. And I have so much
respect for this new generation because that is their mindset
while we're stuck here going in the like, oh god,
I'm an adult, I'm supposed to be doing things. Oh no.
The younger generation is like, I don't want to be
an adult, but I'm going to fix it so the
adults don't have to absolutely, And I think it gives
(16:13):
me so much hope, Like it really does give me hope.
I wake up every day. Obviously you have to keep
up with the news, like you, I want to just
avoid it, but you have its sad reality, and even
if you do try to avoid it, you'll get an
alert or a headline or you'll just be scrolling on
social media and it will be happy, happy, happy. I wish.
(16:34):
I remember what I saw the other day and I
was just like like, are you are you actually kidding me?
Like what is going on? Like I think one two
days ago. I saw something in Texas where it was
like a field of mosquitoes and it was the most
like it was millions of mosquitoes. Just I am never
seeing anything like that. And then, um, anyway, I'm always
just scrolling and it will go from happy to what
(16:55):
is going on? To back to happy, And I think
that's kind of the the limbo that we're all in
just to cope and maintain. But what I love about,
you know, this this study and what people are doing,
because there was another study that was led by scientists
at Brown University in the US and the University of
Concepcion in Chile. Is it just blew my mind? Because
(17:30):
there was another study that was led by scientists at
Brown University in the US and the University of Concepcion
in Chile. Is it just blew my mind? They actually
did examination UH eleven one hundred and sixty Chileans in
two thousand three and two thousand eleven before and after earthquake.
The study found that if individuals had experienced a certain
(17:51):
number of stretchers before the earthquake and other parts of
their lives, they were actually more likely to develop PTSD
after the earthquake, which made them question this trauma actually
make you stronger? Well, yeah, and that also goes back
into like the whole the one fifth of people who
experienced trauma developing PTSD. Well, what if those one in
(18:12):
five have all experienced excess of trauma leading up to
that final traumatic event. Whoa I think about when it
comes to COVID, right, because some people don't want to
talk about it, but like I, COVID has been traumatic
for many of us. People lost their lives, some people
got like dangerously ill, people lost their livelihood, their way
(18:33):
of life, their career, all sorts of things, so many things,
and you know, you had these traumatic events over the years.
I know for us millennials, they're certain defining moments. You know,
there was hind eleven, there was like there were there
were certain things where we like definitely remembering it changed
our lives. And I even think about, like before COVID,
I was stressed with the job I was working, And
(18:55):
after COVID hit and we moved to home and we
were doing all these things, it became this build up
which one led me to get into therapy and then
to let me to actually leaving that job, realizing it
was toxic and I feel like not to compare my
job to an earthquake, But I say all that to
say when that traumatic experience happened, it really enhanced the
(19:15):
stressors that I was having before with that job, and
I was like, oh, and it made me more aware
of oh, gosh, I have to get out of this
because I can't even handle it anymore. So I really
do love that these studies are coming out and that
we are actually saying out loud that hey, the whole
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger maybe isn't the
best thing, And in fact it may There may be
(19:38):
basis to say the exact opposite, that what doesn't kill
you actually leaves you more sensitive to the next thing
that tries to kill you. Yes, absolutely, it's the same
thing with heat exhaustion. Like I after having heat exhaustion,
once they tell you straight up, you are more likely
to get it a second, third, fourth time because your
body now knows what it's like and is now more
(19:59):
at risk for it. Why wouldn't trauma be the same thing.
Here's a quick set of fun facts about what doesn't
kill you makes you stronger Because a lot of people
are going to attribute that to Kelly Clarkson, that is
not who said it first. I was actually Nietzsche who
said it first, Like like classic philosopher. If you want
to know more about the original what doesn't kill you
(20:20):
makes you stronger, definitely go check out some Nietsche. Okay,
I would love to have a conversation with him based
on this these new findings though, right, And I guess
my my follow up question that that is, now that
we know about this, what can we actually do to
improve this beyond just therapist And I think the first
thing I'll say is if somebody comes to you with
(20:42):
the traumatic experience, they're dealing with these emotions, they're trying
to navigate it. I think the biggest thing that I
want to work on is just listening and not going
straight into that but everything's gonna be okay. Just really
listening and hearing those emotions, hearing those feelings, and not
guaranteeing that everything is gonna be okay. Just I'm here
(21:02):
for you whatever you need. That's what I've tried to
get better at. Like that, it's so ingrained in me
to say everything's gonna be okay, there's gonna be a
positive outcome. I know that this happened to you, but
as opposed to man, that's really hard. How do you feel?
Let's talk about it. That's one thing that I know.
(21:22):
I'm just gonna keep referencing Strange Media's but I'm going
for Frozen two this time, so we're gonna keep it
like weird eclectic vibe. Um. But in Frozen two we
see we see Kristof really embodying that. He said, his
line is literally, I'm here, how can I help? Yeah?
And I want more of us to have that Chris
(21:44):
Stop energy, you know, just that that sensitivity to not
just those we love, but anybody stuck on this earth
with us. Compassion. Mm hmm. I love that compassion and
if I feel like that's what this episode has been
all about, listen, as we draw to a close, we
(22:05):
want to recognize that talking about issues like this can
feel overwhelming. These are big problems and it's hard to
know where to start. We're right here with you, but
the thing is we do all have to do something
because no one else is going to. So instead of
trying to go out there and trying to make a
massive difference overnight, we challenge you to try and make
a tiny change in your life today a one percent change.
(22:26):
Can you improve something in your life by one percent
or do a tiny thing that makes a difference in
the world, Do it and do it again tomorrow. Pretty
soon those percentage points will add up for me my
one percent challenge, I think, But I'll just do what
I just said, just to listen more, listen more, and
and and realize I don't have all the answers. None
of us do listen and and and be kind. That's
(22:48):
that's my challenge. Um, as I go into this week,
what about you bags? I love that. I love that.
I think. What I'm going to do this week is
when my friends come to me, I'm going to try
to remember to ask and because because I want to listen,
but I also want to ask um what they need,
because I you know, sometimes I just barrel through and
(23:09):
go straight for like, okay, solution mode. But it's I
want to really ask my friends compassion or solution when
when they when they need supports, so that I can
support them the best that they need. Oh my gosh,
I am totally going to start using that compassion or solution. Also,
I'm going to use that in my marriage, like what
(23:30):
we're going through it's so good. That's a game change
or compassion or lose. I can't tell you how many
times like I'm like, I don't want a solution right now.
I just want you all listen to me, please exactly.
I had a full meltdown yesterday and my wife is
on the floor with me, going, do you just want
me to hold you? An? I love it so much,
it's so helpful. Let us know what your one percent
(23:53):
challenge is for this week. Please please please right in
and let us know. Um, and also thank you all
for listening. We really do appreciate it. So you can
follow along with the show on Love Struck Daily on
Instagram and Twitter. Again, that's at love Struck Daily on
Instagram and Twitter, or you can email love Struck Daily
(24:15):
at frolic dot Media. I highly recommend this one because
I just I love the word Fralic. Why would you
not want to email with frolic in the name? Yes,
please do email Love Struck Daily at that media. And
then where can we find you? I'm on Instagram at
bex underscore t K and on Twitter at I bex
WebEx i UM. And then for me, I'm on Instagram
(24:42):
and Twitter at a mil in its junior and I'm
on TikTok at a mill in his junior thirty one.
Oh yeah, if you want to find me on TikTok,
you've got a search for me. I'm not going to
tell you what it is because it's more fun that way. Oh.
We have a challenge. We have the challenge, and then
we have the Fine be on TikTok Challenge. So that's
our researcher for this is Jesse Epstein and our editor
(25:04):
is Jen Jacobs. We're produced by Abigail Steckler with Little
Scorpion Studios. Were executive produced by Frolic Media and this
is an I Heart Radio podcast. We do appreciate you
listening and we will see you next time. I'm in
love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in
(25:38):
love with you.
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