July 5, 2022 • 29 mins
How good are we at guessing what our date is thinking? And should first dates end much sooner than they do? Well, today, we’re putting that question to the test on two real people, Hari and Danielle, who have bravely agreed to go on a first date live on our show! As we listen in to their conversation, licensed psychologist and New York Times best-selling author and speaker Dr. Robin Smith guides us through the psychology behind the oh-so-tricky first date communication. Put on your lab coats and snap on your safety goggles, because this love lab is about to heat up.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
How good are we at guessing what our date is thinking?
And should first dates end much sooner than they do? Well? Today,
we're putting that question to the test on two real
people who have agreed to go on our first date
live on our show. Put on your lab coats and
snap on your safety goggles, because this love Lab is
(00:21):
about Tadda. I'm Alicia Rye. I'm Sarah Wendel. Welcome to
Love Struck Daily, where we explore all of the sides
of love each week. In love with that ate, love Love.
(00:45):
I'm in love with you, Alicia. How good are you
at knowing what Kai is thinking? I think I'm pretty good.
I feel like I'm really at tuned to his body language.
So the minute he gets a little tensed up or
(01:06):
you know, looks a little worried, I'm always like, what's wrong?
Are you? Are you okay? But I'm also kind of
an anxious person. Oh yeah, I've never I've never heard this,
you know, I hide it really well, but that's me.
I'm very anxious. Um And I think part of that
is I'm very always hyper tune to what's what's going
(01:27):
on with people around me, Like because I'm always worried
they're mad at me. So I'm always like a humanomy
is everything? Why are you frowning? So yeah, I think
I'm I'm pretty good. Well, we've talked a lot about
first dates on this show, especially your dating history and
learning how to go on first dates with continued optimism,
and today we're going to take a deep dive into
(01:49):
that question. We are going to be exploring the question
how good are we at reading what our partner is
thinking on a date? And we're putting this question to
the test using a Harvard study on this very subject,
where we're going to be conducting an on air experiment
with two willing participants who have graciously agreed to go
through this with us. But the basis for this experiment
is really cool. This is all based on a Harvard study.
(02:12):
Do conversations and when people want them to spoiler alert,
my answer is always no, to end like ten minutes earlier.
But this study was conducted by Adam M. Mastrianni, Daniel T. Gilbert,
Gus Cooney, and Timothy D. Wilson, and they paired up
two hundred and fifty two strangers for forty five minute conversations,
(02:33):
then spoke to them individually to analyze the conversations. When
did they want the conversation to end, and maybe more importantly,
when did they think their partner wanted to end that conversation.
The study found that only two percent of the conversations
ended when both participants wanted them to. So today we're
going to adapt this experiment for love struck, which means
we aren't going to run any normal conversations. We are
(02:54):
going to run some dates. Today. We're welcoming on some
very special us. First up, we have licensed psychologist Dr Robin,
New York Times best selling author and speaker with a
PhD in Psychology counseling and several decades worth of writing
research and practical psychology experience, with a special focus on
relationships in marriage. Dr Robin brings a great deal of
(03:17):
expertise to the table. And joining Dr Robin are two
strangers who are about to go on a first date.
Harry Basker is an actor and performer based out of
New York and Danielle Barrier, a g I S analyst.
Let's see what they find in common. Welcome, Dr Robin.
(03:38):
I am so glad to have you here today. How
are you? I'm great I'm so excited to be with you, guys.
This is a fun moment and one where I think
we're gonna learn something about ourselves and about each other. Absolutely.
So tell me about yourself. How did you get started
with with what you do? I am a licensed psychologist.
(03:59):
I had a real longing and love for curiosity and
for the things that don't always work out. Yes, not
just in the lives of other people, but in my
own life. And again, very curious about the ways in
which we live connected and belonging, and where we are disconnected,
(04:21):
not only from other people, but disconnected from ourselves. You're
telling the ideal person to bring us through today. Shall
we begin? I think so it is time we have
with us today, Harry and Danielle. And so we're going
to have a first date. We're going to pay attention
and listen and learn from them, and then we'll come
(04:43):
back and talk to them. They'll talk to us about
what they experienced. Sounds really interesting. I am also very curious, So,
Harry and Danielle, I'm just I'm gonna welcome you. Pretend
that none of us are here with you right now.
I know that's a little strange, um, but pretend anyway
(05:06):
and really just step into this fresh, never live before
moment of meeting each other. I planned on having coffee
for this to be like, oh coffee date, and then
(05:26):
completely forgot. Yeah definitely. Actually, I mean I'm just like,
it's been a bit of a crazy day. So yeah,
my mind is still like a bit hazy right now
because I haven't had any proper food, per save it. Yeah, yeah,
that's it. I'm running off of coffee and just adrenaline
(05:46):
from work, because I like to say, it's not crazy
every day, but and every day I'm like I have
something new. Okay, that's on me. So what do you
do for work? So I'm a g I s antalist,
which just means like I do stuff with maps and
data and like GPS and stuff like that. Um and
(06:08):
since I'm the only person who really works with GPS
and like field applications, I get a lot of calls
from field crews about that. Do you like work on
like the Google Maps like software and stuff like that.
The stuff that I do is kind of similar, but
it's another software that's like just for mapping, So like,
(06:29):
what's the name of the software that you're like working
on right now? So it's from ESRI and it's the
kind of arc g I S suite if you're familiar
with that, all like arc map Argus Pro. They have dashboards,
which way early on when the pandemic started, if you
looked at any of the stuff that they released, of
like look at this, what's going on? That's the same software.
(06:51):
Because I was excited, I'm like, I know what that is.
I shouldn't heard out about this, but I did. So
are you working from home? So I just gradue it
from acting school like a few weeks ago. So I'm
still like going for gigs. Yeah, I'm like going for
gigs here and there. So yeah, like I have some
(07:11):
I have quite a few theater projects coming up. So
I came to the city like a year and a
half ago. I was in India before that. And yeah, yeah, yeah,
So I came during the during the pandemic like last year.
That had to be like it's such a wild move
to begin with, and then during that with everything that's
(07:32):
going on and like stuff closing and opening, that had
to be challenging but exciting exactly. Yeah. So I mean
I came here just for just for acting school. So
now I'm done with that as well. So now it's
all about trying to find as much work as possible
so that eventually I can try and get a work
visa to actually stay in this country. So so yeah,
(07:55):
now it's just about like right now, I'm just like
hustling and like hustling and bustling, like searching for work
everywhere I want to have. You know, what you wanted
to do acting. That's I don't run into a lot
of people who do that kind of stuff in school,
I would say seven years at least. Yeah, yeah, like
I probably like it was in high school that I
(08:16):
decided that I want to I want to go into acting,
and I decided the whole thing that I want to
go to an acting school and then train and then
you go out. I mean, right now I'm doing all
the dirty work. Dirty work in the sense that like
I mean, I would say, like you know, when when
you start off as an actor, it's not it's not
going to be glamorous from like day one. It's it's
(08:39):
kind of like I'm doing all the dirty work right now.
But then you know, diamonds come out from the dirts. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So I just want to come in for just a moment.
All right, would you mind just taking off your headphones
for just a moment so I can talk to Danielle. So, Danielle,
(09:04):
let's take a deep breath. Um. Yeah, first date, first
meet and greet with Harry. How is it feeling. Yeah,
I think it's going well because he's um good at
conversing back and forth, and like you know, it feels
like there's a fair balance and he's good at keeping
(09:24):
the conversation going. There's a lot of times where I
feel like I'm kind of driving the conversation, but it
actually feels like he started out driving it, which is
kind of a relief for me. I'm like, alright, nice,
someone's steaking charge, but not like overpowering the conversation either.
So it's a good beginning. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Yeah,
(09:44):
So I'm going to check in with Harry. If you
want to take your headphones off for just a moment,
they'll be right back after the short break. Yeah, I'll
(10:07):
take these off and turn my camera off and just
step away for a minute. Right, So, Harry, where are
you with this first meet and greet? Yeah? The date feeling?
What's working? I mean, I think it's like really too
soon to say whether it's working or not because we yeah,
(10:29):
we barely talked like ten minutes. Yeah, I'm still very
sure about it speaking from experience, like you know, going
for like whatever days that have gone on like this. Yeah,
I don't want to read too much into it. Yeah, no,
you know that's it's good to hear your perspective apart
from Danielle and hers apart from you, because it allows
(10:51):
both of you to have your own experience, whether or
not that similar or different, um, without really without interpretations.
So um, that's great. Well let's let Danielle come back
and join us and we will continue. Um. So yeah,
(11:12):
where where do we get cut off? Yeah? I don't remember,
but I don't know. Um, Like, we don't have a
lot of time left. So I wanted to ask a
little bit about, like what you like to do for fun? Yeah, totally,
I like apart from acting, like I I love working out,
like I love going to the gym. Oh yeah, I love.
(11:36):
I love going to the gym. Like while I was
at school, I would go like six days a week
I do my splits, like so I would do like
twice a week, like say all all the parts. Yeah,
that's how that's how you used to do it. Now,
Like my schedule is a bit erratic, Like at least
for the next two days, I have like twelve our rehearsals.
So yeah, I mean twelve hours of like rehearsing sounds
(12:01):
like a workout in itself. Yeah, it's what I need
to do, is my acting gigs, Like that's my first priorities. No,
I get it. It's the same way of like some
days I can have a plan of this is what
I'm gonna do, but urgent work comes in and I
have to work late, and I'm like, right, maybe I
can get like half an hour in on the elliptical
(12:22):
or something, and that's it. It's definitely a challenge, but yeah,
I'm the same if I missed certain days when I
have it planned, I definitely get a little stressed out,
Like no, today I was supposed to go up away
on my print squats, like I swear like that. That's
one thing I like, you know, my anxiety shoots up
(12:44):
as a result, Like you know, should I'm not I'm
not going to the Oh yeah, I definitely get a
little inside my own head. I'm like, all right, you're
fined you're still going up like ten pounds a week
on everything. But yeah, if I miss that one day,
I'm like, how can I fit it all in? And
I'm like, you can't fit all of that in today.
Don't do that, You're gonna be way too tired. Of course,
(13:06):
of course, there So that's one of my hobbies, going
to the gym. The other one I would say is
I love exploring the city. So I love I love
like going to different places, like preferably like you know,
I would like to go to many more museums in
the city, but I've been to like a lot of
parks in the city, like I've been to like luckily
I can say, you know, I've been to all five Borrows,
(13:29):
so I'm glad to say that. Yeah, I mean, I
know a few people have been here for like I
think a few years, they still haven't gone to all
the Borrows. So yeah, you've really gotten around because it's
I mean, I have like the transportation everything, but still
all those are so much further than you think, like, oh, yeah,
you have to be really deliberative. I'm going here and
(13:49):
exploring this, so that's impressive. I mean, like I still
remember like stann Island was like the last borough that
I visited, Like that was literally nothing over there. Like
it's so it's so empty, like I swear it's like
having no vibe as it's vibe sort of thing. Yeah,
it's like I'm just kind of here and that's my thing. Yeah.
(14:12):
It makes me think of what I assume London is like,
because I always picture England is like it's always great
and rainy and like even though I know it's it's
probably not. But I'm like I go to Staten Island,
I'm like, this is like a less fancy London. Yeah,
it's just it felt weird going over there, Like, yeah,
(14:33):
which one has been your favorite? Manhattan like no doubts
about it, Yeah, and had like Manhattan is like, you know,
having too much of a vibe as this vibe kind
of thing. And even Manhattan like you know, even within
Manhattan itself, there are different vibes like Downtown, like Chinatown,
parliam in general has its own vibe than like the
(14:55):
Upper east Side, the Village, Times Square, they all have. Yeah,
this has been terrific um both of you allowing us
to make this journey, the conversation together at least the
first part of it and what we're gonna do now,
(15:19):
Harry is going to be We'll be there but not hearing. Yeah. Okay,
So Danielle, here we are together. On a scale of
one to ten, how much did you enjoy the date? Um,
I'd say a nine. I enjoyed it a lot. It
seems like he's easy to talk to, has a lot
(15:40):
to say, has a lot of interests and is really
vocal and clear about those and is a get about
expressing them. So that's always nice, you know when someone
has an opinion. And how much do you think that
Harry also enjoyed the conversation with you? Oh, I would
(16:04):
hope just as much, but maybe not quite as much.
It seems like you might have been a little nervous.
I know, he said he had a lot going on
with work, so yeah, this is really tough trying to
read someone. I would say an okay, yeah, I mean
(16:24):
there's no hard science to this. And the as the
conversation went on, the date went on, was there a
part where you felt like you were either ready for
it to end sooner or for it to continue longer? Yeah?
Not the end sooner. I was really happy having our conversation.
(16:46):
He seems like a really nice, cool person, so I
enjoyed talking to him based on his experiences, It's not
like he's got a lot of cool stuff to share,
cool interests. Like. As soon as I felt that kind
of easy flowing conversation, I knew, Yeah, I would like
this to continue. He's easy to talk to. I'm enjoying this,
(17:06):
he's engaging. Would you want another date? Would that be
something you'd be interested in? Yeah? I definitely be interested
in a second date too. I mean, we already have
some things in common. He seems very cool. Um, so
it's definitely something where I'd say, yeah, I'd like to
know this person more. Okay, well, thank you, and if
(17:28):
we can switch places, we'll let Harry come and share
and then we'll come back together, all right, can you
hear me? Okay? Perfect, So welcome back. I'm curious. I'd
love to know, on a scale of one to ten,
how much did you enjoy this date? Let like a
(17:51):
six of between a six and a seven. Yea, it
was fun, Like, I mean, especially once I found out
that shields with like you know, like fitness and like
kind of stuff. Uh, you know, we we were able
to find something in common? So that was that was
only fun? Uh, Like I could see myself like you know,
like they're like the source park, which just gave in
(18:12):
me when you know when like that always happens whenever
I find you know, someone who like you know, shares
the same hobbies as me. So so yeah, that's great.
And how much do you think Danielle enjoyed the date?
Do you have a sense of that? Maybe like a
five out of ten? Okay, that's great. How did you
(18:33):
think the conversation went just from the beginning until you know,
we I think the first half, like you know, first half,
like I was asking the questions and the second half
she was asking it. So I think that was like
a like that that cut allowed us to have like
a perfect balance. So yeah, mm hmm. So was there
(18:56):
a point in the conversation where you felt like you
were ready for the conversation to end before it did? No?
Not really. In fact, I feel we could have we
we even if you had more time, we could have
talked a lot more. Yet, So my last question, at
least for right now, is would you want another date
(19:18):
with Danielle? We'll tight, We'll be right back. Would you
want another date with Danielle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well let's
(19:40):
let Danielle come back and join us and we will continue.
You guys have both been like so flexible and willing.
What I will say, um, just in closing, is that
you both had very similar exp arians is actually of
(20:01):
the date. It doesn't often work that you know, people
are having the same experience, but both of you very much,
we're somewhat in the same ballpark of how you experienced
yourselves and each other, and that you would welcome a
second date. So I mean, I see both of you
(20:24):
kind of nodding and a smile because we never know, um, right,
And what felt like it really worked here is that
you were genuinely curious about things that you're interested in.
So this was I would say, a like five star
(20:44):
first date. And will hope that you guys can you know,
coordinate so that you can have actually a real conversation
that doesn't involve me. If it does, it involves me
in a little bit of a different way. So this
been yeah, terrific. Thank you both. Yeah, And if there's
anything just as we're closing that you want to say
(21:07):
just about the process, about the experience, of course, I
want to hear that too. It's one of those things
where you're not really thinking about how you act or
respond to things on the first date, and I definitely
found myself doing that a little more. So it was
interesting because I've never stopped to think about how I
react on a date or do anything, just kind of
(21:29):
go with the flow. So I definitely feel like I
got more of a read on myself than I am anticipated,
and it was slightly different that I thought too, So
it was really eye opening for me. That's great, And Harry,
what about you if there's anything. Yeah, it was fun.
Like I, I do not expect like this date thing
to happen. When I got into the first side, I
(21:49):
just thought it was like a normal podcast or something
on that way. I'm just being asked questions not expect
I did not expect that yet, So that was those Yeah,
that that lowar surprise was fun. So yeah, thanks for that. Yeah,
this is terrific. Well, we're really grateful and we will
support the coordination of you guys being able to connect
(22:13):
minus me. Dr Robin. That was that was a lot.
There's a lot of things to talk about there, a
whole lot. So the question we're exploring overall, is how
(22:35):
good are we at reading what our partners thinking on
a date? What did you think of the result of
that question? With this particular conversation and this most recent
study that talked about whether a person wants a conversation
to end sooner, that often people wanted it to end
sooner than it actually ends, and they don't want someone's feelings.
(22:56):
With this couple, they were actually really a little more
balanced and aligned. Now Danielle was less sure, and I
think some of that is gender that when I was
asking her about her read, she was willing to own
(23:17):
her feelings. But when I asked her how she thought
her conversation partner was feeling, she got a little cautious,
shall we say. And yet their read was both of
them rated themselves lower than they did their partner in
the conversation. They felt that they enjoyed it, possibly more
(23:41):
than the person that they were talking with. It's it's
It's both a surprising result and a not surprising result,
isn't it Yeah? Because of the protective layer. Yes, absolutely
that we all as human beings can you know, get into.
And the research also does show that that when someone
(24:01):
feels that they are at risk of embarrassment or humiliation,
we will play it a little closer, you know, to
the best, hoping to not feel ashamed. And so it
is both surprising but it's actually predictable that we become
(24:23):
careful when we think that we may be unaligned with
someone else. What other data from other studies do you
think we could bring into this analysis. There are a
couple of research studies that are that really apply. One
has to do with first impressions, so it's interesting about
how quickly we make an assessment on that first impression.
(24:48):
There's a Princeton researcher that says, it doesn't really matter
how funny are you know, the jokes are whether or
not we're paying for dinner. What real, really people are
paying attention to is whether or not they feel seen
(25:08):
and heard. That makes sense and it's actually and what
it says is that it's in a ten of a second. Wow, really,
I mean that's a blank. So it's for us to
recognize the power of that blank. You know. One of
the things that the research shows is the sound of
(25:31):
our voices have so much to do with how someone
experiences us. Not only are nonverbal cues so important. Eight
percent of tone volume and tenor of body language, and
only seven percent of words shape how we are experienced.
(25:55):
Something else that really stands out for me because I
think you're often so seduced by fantasy over reality. I mean,
fantasy just always just looks better. But one of the
researchers also found that participants tend to have a positive
(26:16):
impression of their first date, but when they're told to
rate that first date in comparison to their ideal fantasy partner,
guess what happens. All of a sudden, what felt like
this is a great first date, all of a sudden
starts to lose its power. And what really often kills
(26:40):
relationships and the potential for relationships to grow is the
attachment to fantasy over reality. And so I I caution
us not that first impressions are important, but if they
are based again in fantasy, and then we live and
(27:01):
get rid of someone or stay with someone in a
relationship that is based on fantasy, we lose the power
of what reality can teach offer and give us. Wow,
that's a really good point and I think that is
the perfect point to to end this. Thank you so
(27:22):
very very much for joining us your expertise has been
invaluable and I have learned so much. Thank you well,
thank you for having me. And I'm really happy to
have been a part of the creation of this. That
was really incredible and I am so curious to learn
more about this. If you would like to learn more
(27:44):
about this, please go to our show notes for citations
on the studies that we mentioned and to read and
learn more. Alicia, what's our love to go for today?
I think part of it is to maybe not underestimate
what your partner is thinking when you're honor for state,
because they both kind of rated each other's interest as
lower than it actually was. So so yeah, maybe part
(28:08):
of it is show your interest more so the other
person understands that you're interested, but also be optimistic. Maybe
maybe they like you more than you thought they did.
I think that's a really good takeaway. Yeah, And if
if you want to tell us how much you like us,
we'd love that. We really would send us a rating.
I mean, you can also literally rate us. We want
to know what you're thinking, so you can send an
(28:30):
email to love Struck Daily at product Media or follow
us on Instagram and Twitter at love struck Daily, and
please Please please leave us a review and rate us
literally rate us because we do love that. Our researcher
is Jesse Epstein. Our editor is Jen Jacobs. We are
produced by Abigail Steckler and Little Scorpion Studios with executive
(28:51):
producer Frolic Media. This is an I Heart Radio podcast.
We wish you a very happy ever after. The Alley
all I'm in Love with Galli all the eight Long
lod Sake to I'm Good to See You should Love,
(29:13):
I'm in love with you, I'm in love with you.
How good are we at guessing what our date is thinking?
And should first dates end much sooner than they do? Well? Today,
we're putting that question to the test on two real
people who have agreed to go on our first date
live on our show. Put on your lab coats and
snap on your safety goggles, because this love Lab is
(00:21):
about Tadda. I'm Alicia Rye. I'm Sarah Wendel. Welcome to
Love Struck Daily, where we explore all of the sides
of love each week. In love with that ate, love Love.
(00:45):
I'm in love with you, Alicia. How good are you
at knowing what Kai is thinking? I think I'm pretty good.
I feel like I'm really at tuned to his body language.
So the minute he gets a little tensed up or
(01:06):
you know, looks a little worried, I'm always like, what's wrong?
Are you? Are you okay? But I'm also kind of
an anxious person. Oh yeah, I've never I've never heard this,
you know, I hide it really well, but that's me.
I'm very anxious. Um And I think part of that
is I'm very always hyper tune to what's what's going
(01:27):
on with people around me, Like because I'm always worried
they're mad at me. So I'm always like a humanomy
is everything? Why are you frowning? So yeah, I think
I'm I'm pretty good. Well, we've talked a lot about
first dates on this show, especially your dating history and
learning how to go on first dates with continued optimism,
and today we're going to take a deep dive into
(01:49):
that question. We are going to be exploring the question
how good are we at reading what our partner is
thinking on a date? And we're putting this question to
the test using a Harvard study on this very subject,
where we're going to be conducting an on air experiment
with two willing participants who have graciously agreed to go
through this with us. But the basis for this experiment
is really cool. This is all based on a Harvard study.
(02:12):
Do conversations and when people want them to spoiler alert,
my answer is always no, to end like ten minutes earlier.
But this study was conducted by Adam M. Mastrianni, Daniel T. Gilbert,
Gus Cooney, and Timothy D. Wilson, and they paired up
two hundred and fifty two strangers for forty five minute conversations,
(02:33):
then spoke to them individually to analyze the conversations. When
did they want the conversation to end, and maybe more importantly,
when did they think their partner wanted to end that conversation.
The study found that only two percent of the conversations
ended when both participants wanted them to. So today we're
going to adapt this experiment for love struck, which means
we aren't going to run any normal conversations. We are
(02:54):
going to run some dates. Today. We're welcoming on some
very special us. First up, we have licensed psychologist Dr Robin,
New York Times best selling author and speaker with a
PhD in Psychology counseling and several decades worth of writing
research and practical psychology experience, with a special focus on
relationships in marriage. Dr Robin brings a great deal of
(03:17):
expertise to the table. And joining Dr Robin are two
strangers who are about to go on a first date.
Harry Basker is an actor and performer based out of
New York and Danielle Barrier, a g I S analyst.
Let's see what they find in common. Welcome, Dr Robin.
(03:38):
I am so glad to have you here today. How
are you? I'm great I'm so excited to be with you, guys.
This is a fun moment and one where I think
we're gonna learn something about ourselves and about each other. Absolutely.
So tell me about yourself. How did you get started
with with what you do? I am a licensed psychologist.
(03:59):
I had a real longing and love for curiosity and
for the things that don't always work out. Yes, not
just in the lives of other people, but in my
own life. And again, very curious about the ways in
which we live connected and belonging, and where we are disconnected,
(04:21):
not only from other people, but disconnected from ourselves. You're
telling the ideal person to bring us through today. Shall
we begin? I think so it is time we have
with us today, Harry and Danielle. And so we're going
to have a first date. We're going to pay attention
and listen and learn from them, and then we'll come
(04:43):
back and talk to them. They'll talk to us about
what they experienced. Sounds really interesting. I am also very curious, So,
Harry and Danielle, I'm just I'm gonna welcome you. Pretend
that none of us are here with you right now.
I know that's a little strange, um, but pretend anyway
(05:06):
and really just step into this fresh, never live before
moment of meeting each other. I planned on having coffee
for this to be like, oh coffee date, and then
(05:26):
completely forgot. Yeah definitely. Actually, I mean I'm just like,
it's been a bit of a crazy day. So yeah,
my mind is still like a bit hazy right now
because I haven't had any proper food, per save it. Yeah, yeah,
that's it. I'm running off of coffee and just adrenaline
(05:46):
from work, because I like to say, it's not crazy
every day, but and every day I'm like I have
something new. Okay, that's on me. So what do you
do for work? So I'm a g I s antalist,
which just means like I do stuff with maps and
data and like GPS and stuff like that. Um and
(06:08):
since I'm the only person who really works with GPS
and like field applications, I get a lot of calls
from field crews about that. Do you like work on
like the Google Maps like software and stuff like that.
The stuff that I do is kind of similar, but
it's another software that's like just for mapping, So like,
(06:29):
what's the name of the software that you're like working
on right now? So it's from ESRI and it's the
kind of arc g I S suite if you're familiar
with that, all like arc map Argus Pro. They have dashboards,
which way early on when the pandemic started, if you
looked at any of the stuff that they released, of
like look at this, what's going on? That's the same software.
(06:51):
Because I was excited, I'm like, I know what that is.
I shouldn't heard out about this, but I did. So
are you working from home? So I just gradue it
from acting school like a few weeks ago. So I'm
still like going for gigs. Yeah, I'm like going for
gigs here and there. So yeah, like I have some
(07:11):
I have quite a few theater projects coming up. So
I came to the city like a year and a
half ago. I was in India before that. And yeah, yeah, yeah,
So I came during the during the pandemic like last year.
That had to be like it's such a wild move
to begin with, and then during that with everything that's
(07:32):
going on and like stuff closing and opening, that had
to be challenging but exciting exactly. Yeah. So I mean
I came here just for just for acting school. So
now I'm done with that as well. So now it's
all about trying to find as much work as possible
so that eventually I can try and get a work
visa to actually stay in this country. So so yeah,
(07:55):
now it's just about like right now, I'm just like
hustling and like hustling and bustling, like searching for work
everywhere I want to have. You know, what you wanted
to do acting. That's I don't run into a lot
of people who do that kind of stuff in school,
I would say seven years at least. Yeah, yeah, like
I probably like it was in high school that I
(08:16):
decided that I want to I want to go into acting,
and I decided the whole thing that I want to
go to an acting school and then train and then
you go out. I mean, right now I'm doing all
the dirty work. Dirty work in the sense that like
I mean, I would say, like you know, when when
you start off as an actor, it's not it's not
going to be glamorous from like day one. It's it's
(08:39):
kind of like I'm doing all the dirty work right now.
But then you know, diamonds come out from the dirts. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So I just want to come in for just a moment.
All right, would you mind just taking off your headphones
for just a moment so I can talk to Danielle. So, Danielle,
(09:04):
let's take a deep breath. Um. Yeah, first date, first
meet and greet with Harry. How is it feeling. Yeah,
I think it's going well because he's um good at
conversing back and forth, and like you know, it feels
like there's a fair balance and he's good at keeping
(09:24):
the conversation going. There's a lot of times where I
feel like I'm kind of driving the conversation, but it
actually feels like he started out driving it, which is
kind of a relief for me. I'm like, alright, nice,
someone's steaking charge, but not like overpowering the conversation either.
So it's a good beginning. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Yeah,
(09:44):
So I'm going to check in with Harry. If you
want to take your headphones off for just a moment,
they'll be right back after the short break. Yeah, I'll
(10:07):
take these off and turn my camera off and just
step away for a minute. Right, So, Harry, where are
you with this first meet and greet? Yeah? The date feeling?
What's working? I mean, I think it's like really too
soon to say whether it's working or not because we yeah,
(10:29):
we barely talked like ten minutes. Yeah, I'm still very
sure about it speaking from experience, like you know, going
for like whatever days that have gone on like this. Yeah,
I don't want to read too much into it. Yeah, no,
you know that's it's good to hear your perspective apart
from Danielle and hers apart from you, because it allows
(10:51):
both of you to have your own experience, whether or
not that similar or different, um, without really without interpretations.
So um, that's great. Well let's let Danielle come back
and join us and we will continue. Um. So yeah,
(11:12):
where where do we get cut off? Yeah? I don't remember,
but I don't know. Um, Like, we don't have a
lot of time left. So I wanted to ask a
little bit about, like what you like to do for fun? Yeah, totally,
I like apart from acting, like I I love working out,
like I love going to the gym. Oh yeah, I love.
(11:36):
I love going to the gym. Like while I was
at school, I would go like six days a week
I do my splits, like so I would do like
twice a week, like say all all the parts. Yeah,
that's how that's how you used to do it. Now,
Like my schedule is a bit erratic, Like at least
for the next two days, I have like twelve our rehearsals.
So yeah, I mean twelve hours of like rehearsing sounds
(12:01):
like a workout in itself. Yeah, it's what I need
to do, is my acting gigs, Like that's my first priorities. No,
I get it. It's the same way of like some
days I can have a plan of this is what
I'm gonna do, but urgent work comes in and I
have to work late, and I'm like, right, maybe I
can get like half an hour in on the elliptical
(12:22):
or something, and that's it. It's definitely a challenge, but yeah,
I'm the same if I missed certain days when I
have it planned, I definitely get a little stressed out,
Like no, today I was supposed to go up away
on my print squats, like I swear like that. That's
one thing I like, you know, my anxiety shoots up
(12:44):
as a result, Like you know, should I'm not I'm
not going to the Oh yeah, I definitely get a
little inside my own head. I'm like, all right, you're
fined you're still going up like ten pounds a week
on everything. But yeah, if I miss that one day,
I'm like, how can I fit it all in? And
I'm like, you can't fit all of that in today.
Don't do that, You're gonna be way too tired. Of course,
(13:06):
of course, there So that's one of my hobbies, going
to the gym. The other one I would say is
I love exploring the city. So I love I love
like going to different places, like preferably like you know,
I would like to go to many more museums in
the city, but I've been to like a lot of
parks in the city, like I've been to like luckily
I can say, you know, I've been to all five Borrows,
(13:29):
so I'm glad to say that. Yeah, I mean, I
know a few people have been here for like I
think a few years, they still haven't gone to all
the Borrows. So yeah, you've really gotten around because it's
I mean, I have like the transportation everything, but still
all those are so much further than you think, like, oh, yeah,
you have to be really deliberative. I'm going here and
(13:49):
exploring this, so that's impressive. I mean, like I still
remember like stann Island was like the last borough that
I visited, Like that was literally nothing over there. Like
it's so it's so empty, like I swear it's like
having no vibe as it's vibe sort of thing. Yeah,
it's like I'm just kind of here and that's my thing. Yeah.
(14:12):
It makes me think of what I assume London is like,
because I always picture England is like it's always great
and rainy and like even though I know it's it's
probably not. But I'm like I go to Staten Island,
I'm like, this is like a less fancy London. Yeah,
it's just it felt weird going over there, Like, yeah,
(14:33):
which one has been your favorite? Manhattan like no doubts
about it, Yeah, and had like Manhattan is like, you know,
having too much of a vibe as this vibe kind
of thing. And even Manhattan like you know, even within
Manhattan itself, there are different vibes like Downtown, like Chinatown,
parliam in general has its own vibe than like the
(14:55):
Upper east Side, the Village, Times Square, they all have. Yeah,
this has been terrific um both of you allowing us
to make this journey, the conversation together at least the
first part of it and what we're gonna do now,
(15:19):
Harry is going to be We'll be there but not hearing. Yeah. Okay,
So Danielle, here we are together. On a scale of
one to ten, how much did you enjoy the date? Um,
I'd say a nine. I enjoyed it a lot. It
seems like he's easy to talk to, has a lot
(15:40):
to say, has a lot of interests and is really
vocal and clear about those and is a get about
expressing them. So that's always nice, you know when someone
has an opinion. And how much do you think that
Harry also enjoyed the conversation with you? Oh, I would
(16:04):
hope just as much, but maybe not quite as much.
It seems like you might have been a little nervous.
I know, he said he had a lot going on
with work, so yeah, this is really tough trying to
read someone. I would say an okay, yeah, I mean
(16:24):
there's no hard science to this. And the as the
conversation went on, the date went on, was there a
part where you felt like you were either ready for
it to end sooner or for it to continue longer? Yeah?
Not the end sooner. I was really happy having our conversation.
(16:46):
He seems like a really nice, cool person, so I
enjoyed talking to him based on his experiences, It's not
like he's got a lot of cool stuff to share,
cool interests. Like. As soon as I felt that kind
of easy flowing conversation, I knew, Yeah, I would like
this to continue. He's easy to talk to. I'm enjoying this,
(17:06):
he's engaging. Would you want another date? Would that be
something you'd be interested in? Yeah? I definitely be interested
in a second date too. I mean, we already have
some things in common. He seems very cool. Um, so
it's definitely something where I'd say, yeah, I'd like to
know this person more. Okay, well, thank you, and if
(17:28):
we can switch places, we'll let Harry come and share
and then we'll come back together, all right, can you
hear me? Okay? Perfect, So welcome back. I'm curious. I'd
love to know, on a scale of one to ten,
how much did you enjoy this date? Let like a
(17:51):
six of between a six and a seven. Yea, it
was fun, Like, I mean, especially once I found out
that shields with like you know, like fitness and like
kind of stuff. Uh, you know, we we were able
to find something in common? So that was that was
only fun? Uh, Like I could see myself like you know,
like they're like the source park, which just gave in
(18:12):
me when you know when like that always happens whenever
I find you know, someone who like you know, shares
the same hobbies as me. So so yeah, that's great.
And how much do you think Danielle enjoyed the date?
Do you have a sense of that? Maybe like a
five out of ten? Okay, that's great. How did you
(18:33):
think the conversation went just from the beginning until you know,
we I think the first half, like you know, first half,
like I was asking the questions and the second half
she was asking it. So I think that was like
a like that that cut allowed us to have like
a perfect balance. So yeah, mm hmm. So was there
(18:56):
a point in the conversation where you felt like you
were ready for the conversation to end before it did? No?
Not really. In fact, I feel we could have we
we even if you had more time, we could have
talked a lot more. Yet, So my last question, at
least for right now, is would you want another date
(19:18):
with Danielle? We'll tight, We'll be right back. Would you
want another date with Danielle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well let's
(19:40):
let Danielle come back and join us and we will continue.
You guys have both been like so flexible and willing.
What I will say, um, just in closing, is that
you both had very similar exp arians is actually of
(20:01):
the date. It doesn't often work that you know, people
are having the same experience, but both of you very much,
we're somewhat in the same ballpark of how you experienced
yourselves and each other, and that you would welcome a
second date. So I mean, I see both of you
(20:24):
kind of nodding and a smile because we never know, um, right,
And what felt like it really worked here is that
you were genuinely curious about things that you're interested in.
So this was I would say, a like five star
(20:44):
first date. And will hope that you guys can you know,
coordinate so that you can have actually a real conversation
that doesn't involve me. If it does, it involves me
in a little bit of a different way. So this
been yeah, terrific. Thank you both. Yeah, And if there's
anything just as we're closing that you want to say
(21:07):
just about the process, about the experience, of course, I
want to hear that too. It's one of those things
where you're not really thinking about how you act or
respond to things on the first date, and I definitely
found myself doing that a little more. So it was
interesting because I've never stopped to think about how I
react on a date or do anything, just kind of
(21:29):
go with the flow. So I definitely feel like I
got more of a read on myself than I am anticipated,
and it was slightly different that I thought too, So
it was really eye opening for me. That's great, And Harry,
what about you if there's anything. Yeah, it was fun.
Like I, I do not expect like this date thing
to happen. When I got into the first side, I
(21:49):
just thought it was like a normal podcast or something
on that way. I'm just being asked questions not expect
I did not expect that yet, So that was those Yeah,
that that lowar surprise was fun. So yeah, thanks for that. Yeah,
this is terrific. Well, we're really grateful and we will
support the coordination of you guys being able to connect
(22:13):
minus me. Dr Robin. That was that was a lot.
There's a lot of things to talk about there, a
whole lot. So the question we're exploring overall, is how
(22:35):
good are we at reading what our partners thinking on
a date? What did you think of the result of
that question? With this particular conversation and this most recent
study that talked about whether a person wants a conversation
to end sooner, that often people wanted it to end
sooner than it actually ends, and they don't want someone's feelings.
(22:56):
With this couple, they were actually really a little more
balanced and aligned. Now Danielle was less sure, and I
think some of that is gender that when I was
asking her about her read, she was willing to own
(23:17):
her feelings. But when I asked her how she thought
her conversation partner was feeling, she got a little cautious,
shall we say. And yet their read was both of
them rated themselves lower than they did their partner in
the conversation. They felt that they enjoyed it, possibly more
(23:41):
than the person that they were talking with. It's it's
It's both a surprising result and a not surprising result,
isn't it Yeah? Because of the protective layer. Yes, absolutely
that we all as human beings can you know, get into.
And the research also does show that that when someone
(24:01):
feels that they are at risk of embarrassment or humiliation,
we will play it a little closer, you know, to
the best, hoping to not feel ashamed. And so it
is both surprising but it's actually predictable that we become
(24:23):
careful when we think that we may be unaligned with
someone else. What other data from other studies do you
think we could bring into this analysis. There are a
couple of research studies that are that really apply. One
has to do with first impressions, so it's interesting about
how quickly we make an assessment on that first impression.
(24:48):
There's a Princeton researcher that says, it doesn't really matter
how funny are you know, the jokes are whether or
not we're paying for dinner. What real, really people are
paying attention to is whether or not they feel seen
(25:08):
and heard. That makes sense and it's actually and what
it says is that it's in a ten of a second. Wow, really,
I mean that's a blank. So it's for us to
recognize the power of that blank. You know. One of
the things that the research shows is the sound of
(25:31):
our voices have so much to do with how someone
experiences us. Not only are nonverbal cues so important. Eight
percent of tone volume and tenor of body language, and
only seven percent of words shape how we are experienced.
(25:55):
Something else that really stands out for me because I
think you're often so seduced by fantasy over reality. I mean,
fantasy just always just looks better. But one of the
researchers also found that participants tend to have a positive
(26:16):
impression of their first date, but when they're told to
rate that first date in comparison to their ideal fantasy partner,
guess what happens. All of a sudden, what felt like
this is a great first date, all of a sudden
starts to lose its power. And what really often kills
(26:40):
relationships and the potential for relationships to grow is the
attachment to fantasy over reality. And so I I caution
us not that first impressions are important, but if they
are based again in fantasy, and then we live and
(27:01):
get rid of someone or stay with someone in a
relationship that is based on fantasy, we lose the power
of what reality can teach offer and give us. Wow,
that's a really good point and I think that is
the perfect point to to end this. Thank you so
(27:22):
very very much for joining us your expertise has been
invaluable and I have learned so much. Thank you well,
thank you for having me. And I'm really happy to
have been a part of the creation of this. That
was really incredible and I am so curious to learn
more about this. If you would like to learn more
(27:44):
about this, please go to our show notes for citations
on the studies that we mentioned and to read and
learn more. Alicia, what's our love to go for today?
I think part of it is to maybe not underestimate
what your partner is thinking when you're honor for state,
because they both kind of rated each other's interest as
lower than it actually was. So so yeah, maybe part
(28:08):
of it is show your interest more so the other
person understands that you're interested, but also be optimistic. Maybe
maybe they like you more than you thought they did.
I think that's a really good takeaway. Yeah, And if
if you want to tell us how much you like us,
we'd love that. We really would send us a rating.
I mean, you can also literally rate us. We want
to know what you're thinking, so you can send an
(28:30):
email to love Struck Daily at product Media or follow
us on Instagram and Twitter at love struck Daily, and
please Please please leave us a review and rate us
literally rate us because we do love that. Our researcher
is Jesse Epstein. Our editor is Jen Jacobs. We are
produced by Abigail Steckler and Little Scorpion Studios with executive
(28:51):
producer Frolic Media. This is an I Heart Radio podcast.
We wish you a very happy ever after. The Alley
all I'm in Love with Galli all the eight Long
lod Sake to I'm Good to See You should Love,
(29:13):
I'm in love with you, I'm in love with you.
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