November 24, 2024 • 52 mins
Malik reflects on PJ Morton’s visit to Malik Books to sign and discuss his new book Saturday Night, Sunday Morning: Staying True to Myself from the Pews to the Stage!
And Malik’s secret weapon April, has a conversation with self-published author Adrienne Alexander-Allen and her book The Accidental Parent, a heartfelt companion for anyone thrust into the world of becoming a primary caregiver overnight.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Malague has how the knowledge you want, my league, but
has how a knowledge you need?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Yet they have out the.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
Books that the whole wild world. What dread Malague?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
But welcome, Welcome, Welcome to Malik's Book Show bringing a
world together with books, culture and community.
Speaker 4 (00:21):
Y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
We had a wonderful what they call a tiny death experience,
but it was called the Milik Books Show, Books and
Music Experience where we had a full on concert and
book talk at Malik Books a few weeks ago with the.
Speaker 4 (00:39):
Five time Grammy winner PJ. Morton.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
It went down inside of Milik Books in the Westfield,
Coobe City, standing room only. He performed some of his hits.
Man he broke them, broke the crowd down with his
most famous song. One of his most famous song which
is called let Go Let God and that right dead
man was so electric and motivational.
Speaker 4 (01:04):
Man, it was great.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
You know, a concert and a book talk right inside
the bookstore with five time Grammy winner PJ.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
Morton.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Now his book they just came out, which we got
all the graph copies at Moleague Books. It's called Saturday
Night Sunday Morning. It's about PJ. Morton's life growing up
in the church as well as becoming a jazz.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
And R and B artist.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
He plays the piano as well as the other instruments.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
But it was so electric, so powerful, and his book
is simply a book to.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Talk about how to be in the world, but not
of it. You see what I'm saying, be in the world,
not of it. He didn't lose his soul because he
sang circular type music. Doesn't wanna be called the gospel
and be labeled gospel artists. But his music is filled
with so much passion, so much soul, and so much
(02:12):
of our I guess storytelling. You know, he speaks from
the heart, He speaks from his experience, but his soul
for music, it's hard for music. And the book just
tells his journey. He went to Africa, spent a lot
of time. That's his new album just out and he's
(02:32):
it's one of the new songs he just came up with,
is I Found Love?
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Well, basically cause.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
He went to Africa, he found love and he wrote
a whole spiritual album just on that that just came out.
Speaker 4 (02:45):
I think it's called From Cairo to Egypt something like that.
You can't quote me on it, but BJ Morton did
a nice talk.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
The moderator for the event was was from k jlho
sponsor the event.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
That's a Stevie Wonder's black radio station right here in
the community.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
And they had a Ricky Rutgers was the moderator, was
one of the DJ's over at KJLA.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
So we're very we were very blessed and grateful.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
It was packed house, standing room only, two hundred people
grooving and jivan into the talk and into the music.
That's why I'm I labeled this our first concert in
book talk. I believe I labeled the Elite's books, you know,
music and books. I'm gonna be posted on YouTube. You
gotta go to YouTube cause it's.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
Gonna be called just that Elite Books, music and Books.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
We're trying to do a whole series of concerts and
book talks right inside.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
Elite Books in the Westfield, Coca City Mall. But it
was powerful and it.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Was the one for the books. It was his start
and when he we gotta signed copies of this book
Saturday night Sunday morning. How you can be in the world,
not of it, still keep your spiritual walk, still keep
your beliefs, but yet find the joy in the world,
(04:16):
find the love and joy and happiness in the world.
And that's what PJ. Morton was able to because his
father's a big time preacher now big time preacher. So
oftentimes those types of children become gospel scene. Well, DJ
(04:38):
didn't want to just be a gospel scene. He wanted
to be an R and B and jazz. You know,
he from Louisiana.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
And they are that's the heart of America for musicians.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Boo the coase a doma doesn't They don't mean they're
all good, but they show can play, They show love music,
they show can.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
Play the mystery and out there you can.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Go from bar to bar and get live music all
throughout Bourbon Street or Canal Street. Out there in Louisiana,
that's where the home of the Essence Festival take place.
And Boy or Boy, that was an expreend. I went
for the first time this year twenty twenty four, had
a wonderful time. So but once again this particular episode.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Is going to feature a talk.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
A book talk that my wife had at Malague Books
where she talked about The Accidental Parent.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
With Adrian Allen and we also got signed copies that book.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Inside of the Malague book, but she did a book
talk and discussion about being an accidental parent, and I.
Speaker 4 (05:44):
Know a lot of y'all can relate.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
To that because we have a lot of grandparents raising
their grandchildren or nieces nephews being raised by their uncles
or nieces or grandparents.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
So it happens in every community.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
And that's what this book is about, becoming an accidental parent,
stepping up when one of.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
Your family members isn't able to.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
And so they had a nice discussion about this book
called The Accidental Parent by Adrian Alexander Allen and we
do have some signed copies. But one thing I want
to point out is that she's an independent, self published author,
and that's how Malik Books got started.
Speaker 4 (06:34):
That's how Malik Books started.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Back in nineteen nine, were a lot of self published
and independent authors.
Speaker 4 (06:41):
So we always give love to.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Our independent author when we can. We don't always just
do events where we highlight just celebrities or best selling authors,
but we do take time out to host independent self
public and give them as inside of my League books.
Speaker 4 (07:01):
And Adrian Alexander.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Had a robust conversation with April who was the moderator
for this event. So I'm gonna feature that on this episode,
Accidental parent.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Welcome Tonight is gonna be a beautiful conversation between you
and I. Yes, and we're gonna talk about personal issues
about accidental parenting. Yes, And I said in the back,
it's really not an accident. It's just what you were
supposed to do. And everything happened in the vine tie
and then the vine time was just your moment. My
moment happened maybe two and a half years ago with
(07:40):
my grandchildren. They are now four and three years old.
And mind you, my children are nineteen and seventeen. So
that's like starting all over again, starting all over again.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
And I welcome it.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I wasn't fully well, I can't say fully it was
confusing to me, like, okay, so what do.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
We do do we you know, do it full on?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Or how do we do this? Then at the end
of the day, time will let you know how to
do it.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
I started over a little.
Speaker 5 (08:14):
It was a little more of a start over for me.
My kids are and this has been for me. It's
been about three years now. And at the time my
children were maybe how were they so maybe like twenty seven,
twenty five and twenty Yes, and So at the time
(08:38):
my youngest son was just graduating high school.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
I was on my way out. I was like, I
don't have.
Speaker 5 (08:45):
To worry about no school meetings. I don't have to
worry about oh my god. I was like, I don't
have to worry about making sure nobody get on the
school bus. I don't have to worry about waking nobody up.
I don't have to do any of that. And in
the blink of them.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
Now I was cheating, yep, change overnight. So it's just
it is.
Speaker 5 (09:04):
It's it's very it's confusing, it's interesting, it's it's a
lot like we say, you ain't gonna keep on representations back,
but I mean, it is a lot of emotions to go.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Through to go with it.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Yes, sure, minds came from just confusion.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Like confusion of am I doing the right thing.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
For my grandchildren, for my marriage, for my own children?
Am I doing the right thing? And at the end
of the day, I feel in my heart that I
did the right thing by getting in the.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Car driving from California to Tijuana in the car with
my husband and my two children to get my grandchildren.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
I know that we well, I know that I did
the right thing because I'm a driver.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
As we spoke before, I'm a driver, and I had
so many things and thoughts in my head about this situation.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
And I know that at the end of the day,
my grandchildren needed like I needed so many people in
my life.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Like I'm fifty years old now and I know so
many Oh, it's a term that we that we gonna
talk about, Yeah, kinship, kinship, kinship and caregiving. Yes, but
I know so many people and in my life that
that offered that to me. It didn't have that term
back in the day, right, but that term, let's talk
about that term. Yeah, So what we were talking about
(10:26):
is kinship care. And what I realized cause I did release.
Speaker 5 (10:30):
My book on Grandparents' Day because what is that September eighth, Okay,
and a lot of people don't know that there is
a grandparents Day, and so I felt it was right
because most of kinship care givers are grandparents, and so
I wanted to celebrate grandparents by releasing a book on
(10:51):
that day. But in these last two months since I
released the book, I realized.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
So many people have never heard the term kinship care. Well,
we didn't have that turn, but you going to your grandparents.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Are you going to Auntie summing Tom house and you
that's that was your home?
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Right?
Speaker 4 (11:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (11:07):
And that's what we were like, yes, because you know,
another thing that happened was you just got dropped off, right,
that's it.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
There was no legal paperwork, there was no you know, like,
there wasn't a lot of conversation about it. I need
I know.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
For me, I've never lived anywhere else. I never lived
with my parents. I know who my parents were, they
were around, but my home was my grandparents' house.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
And there was no.
Speaker 5 (11:31):
Legal document to be like y'all got custody of her
or they adopted me or anything like that.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
It's just like this is where you live. This is home.
Speaker 5 (11:39):
And so it's like now people allow people's experience or
have experienced kinship care, but just don't know until you
explained it, like they've experienced it, they've lived it. And
then when you say, well that's kinship there and now, oh,
oh that's what that is, I just thought, right, yeah,
it's a kinship care.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
That was a term that that was when you and
I st started our conversation.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Yes, what's that about a year and a half ago.
It's and that's so crazy right here at this calendar. Yes,
And we just started conversating Conversatan about something that we
could relate to.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
And that was our our grandchildren and becoming accidental.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
Parents, right, Yes, And so the book is the Accidental Parent,
Nurturing love and unfreseen circumstances. It was written for individuals
standing in the gap raising children who aren't biologically their
own due to addiction, incarceration.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Or tragedy. Yes, and Minus's.
Speaker 5 (12:37):
Addiction and my early experience was addiction. Yes, I'm being
raised by my grandparents because my parents.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Struggled with addictions.
Speaker 5 (12:46):
And now it's because of incarcerations.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Twofold Mines was for me.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Minues was addiction because of my parents, and then mine's
now is addiction because of my son.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Yes, so it's and I knew that that when it happened.
Just you have to do it. You need to so
many people that have done it for you. Yeah, so many, Bee,
So it needs to be specificated and impeciprocated.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Would love and a blessed heart because I know if
if people didn't bless me with their time and just
woke me in in their home, I.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Don't know what the outcome of April will be yes.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
So I give that back to my grandchildren, my kids,
you know, I get that back.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
I was telling somebody the other day.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
I was like, I've tried to be different with my granddaughter.
It is and it's funny because, man, it's funny because
I feel like.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Our grandkids or our grandchild.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Third question too, navigating the difference between parenting.
Speaker 5 (13:52):
Skills, Oh my gosh, and so's it's funny because grandchildren.
I feel like grandchildren these days are winning because they
are getting it from experience.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
Right.
Speaker 5 (14:05):
I know what I did, I know what happened to
me and how I was raised.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
I know how I raised my kids.
Speaker 5 (14:12):
And so now raising another generation, it's like all of
the experience and the lessons are there. However, I was like, Okay,
I am going to do different from what I did
with my children and try not to be like because
I said so, or you just do it because I
(14:33):
want you to do it, or you know, really having conversations.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Oh, my grandson, why everything is why GM? And I
try my best to explain it to him, but I'm like, okay, now.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
It's because I said so.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
And so that's and I do with with Ava, I
will allow her the space to share, you know, like
what she's feeling and what she's going through.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
But y'all, she stomped me the other day.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
Oh, shet me the other day, and you know it
it I had we had a conversation earlier on in
the week and she kind of like snapped at me
a little bit, and I was like, hey, you can't
talk to grandma.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
I like that.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Grandma doesn't like that. That's not nice.
Speaker 5 (15:23):
And so then, you know, fast forward later in the
week and she was putting on her school uniform and
she was having struggles with it zipper in her backs.
So I was like, well, let me just hold it.
I'll hold it, you zip and so I held it.
She zipping it. Well, you didn't let me do it,
and I was like, hey, watch your tone, watch your tone.
(15:47):
And she stomped and she's like, I am a big girl.
I don't need help from anyone.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And I guess I blacked.
Speaker 5 (15:54):
Out because you know, the next thing I know, she crying.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
I'm like listen, yeah, I remember those days. Yeah, I'm like,
hold on. I was like, I tried to help you.
Speaker 5 (16:13):
I was like, if you are big enough for a
big girl enough to talk to me like that you
big girl.
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Enough with these consequences. Yes, yes, with.
Speaker 5 (16:22):
These and so yeah, so I'm trying. I'm trying, but.
Speaker 7 (16:28):
I have a seat.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Thank you so much for yes, Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
That's my friend, y'all.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
I'm wanting to ask you a question. Lessons lessons that.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Not only for your grand daughter, but lessons to yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
That's a great question. Ooh, that's a great question.
Speaker 5 (17:04):
I I feel like that is a part of the
lesson as well, like allowing her cause I I tell her,
you know, like let's have a conversation about why you're
angry or why you're sad, or you know, like anything
like let's let's breathe through it, let's talk about it.
And so that's a lesson for both of us because
(17:25):
it helps me with my patience and my tolerance as well.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Y'all.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
One time I was talking to her.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
I I I was cause I do try to give
her a space, her big girl's space to get herself
ready and you know, like do whatever she can.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Do on her own.
Speaker 5 (17:40):
M And one morning she was getting dressed and I
I was just doing busy stuff in the garage, and
I was like, Ava, are you dressed? And she was
like no, can you just wait?
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (17:56):
And I was like and that's exactly And I was like,
well wait, like she he's really saying.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Can you wait give me a minute?
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:04):
And it was like, you know, for us, we are yes,
can you wait? But before I jumped out, I was like.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
She it was innocent enough, like are you like just
give me a minute, and not to receive it like
can you wait?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Her being smart because I hopefully she ain't mean it
that way.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
I'm going to receive it as she ain't mean it
that way, so I don't have to get out on her.
But those are the lessons, right, The lessons are really identifying.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
What is.
Speaker 5 (18:40):
What is innocent from from a four year old brain
versus me receiving it as a year yeah, And so
that that is the lesson because I really was, cause
I instantly, like everybody in here when I heard it,
I was like, can I wait? But then I was like,
wait a minute, maybe she didn't mean it that.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Way, and so I was just like, Okay, my lesson
that I I've learned through this whole experience of grandparenting,
accident parenting. It's patience, patience not only with them, but
patience with myself. Patience with myself, cause it's conversations that
(19:24):
I have.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
With my grandchildren that I did not have with my
my kids.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
M my kids are like, if I tell you more
than one time, there's a problem, that's right, there's there's.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
There's a problem.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
With my grandchildren, I give them a little bit more
leadway because they're are they're they're they're in my home,
but they're not in my home all the time, and
the parenting that I give them they're not receiving elsewhere.
So I have to be patient on that because they're
hearing and seeing things.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Differently other than in my household.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
But I do I I correct it out of of love.
I corrected, Hey, we bless them here. We don't do
that in here. We love each other in here.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Don't talk to your sister like that, don't talk to
your brother like that.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
And when they do argue, I did take this lesson
that I did with my own children when they argued
and fight, I used to make them sit in the
mirror with each look at each other and hold each
other's hand and tell each other how much.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
You love each other. And they did not like it.
So my he's like no, I did not.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Yes, so I do that with my grandchildren now, and
they said, I love you Camilla.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
I love you Ishmael.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
What you like about your brother, what you like And
then it helps me learn something about myself, like Okay,
good job, and it's okay to have a good job
to yourself because.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
We need it. Yes, we need the good jobs and
job well done.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
And what else can I do to help you because
we need to help as grandparents.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
Yes, I talk about that in the book.
Speaker 5 (20:57):
I'm not sure if that was one of your questions,
but I talk about help in the book because as
for how to ask for it, how to receive it,
how to recognize it, how to tell people how to help,
because not everybody knows the help that you need. And
sometimes people offer help and it's the wrong kind of help,
Like it's you know, even with my husband and my
(21:19):
son or whatever, they would help, but help is a
little more than changing a.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Diaper at the time or making her.
Speaker 5 (21:26):
Something to eat or you know what I'm saying, Like
it's like, you gotta like know the kind of help
that I need and don't be offended when I say you,
because they definitely got offended, and I was like you
aren't helping or this isn't helping, and they would be like.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Well how you how it'll help?
Speaker 5 (21:41):
Yeah, So it's like you really have to learn to
understand and recognize what helps. Look what help looks like
for you at whatever stage you're in, and so it's
not gonna always be the same. Yes, the help is
what help is needed at that time. And so we
have to learn and especially because as because at first
(22:03):
it was me like I was just like when Ama
sick is me? When ever got to go to the
daycare is me? Wheneva gotta be picked up from daycare
is me? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
It's like, so those things are all me.
Speaker 5 (22:15):
So you coming in the room and talk to her
for five minutes and then going on about your day.
Speaker 8 (22:20):
My routine, Yes, that is disruptive my routine, yes, yes,
And so that is that's important.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
I have that. I have that.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
My husband and I we do it totally different. I
have a routine that I follow and I follow it.
He has this routine and I was like, that's burger
for you.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
But we have a routine that we go by. They
know when it's my day and they know when it's
g Daddy's day. They know, they know, they know the routine,
and that's what the kids believe me though, Yeah, boutine,
utine and structure.
Speaker 5 (23:08):
So I think for me though, I kind of lucked
up on that part because we spoke about it a
little bit. I honestly don't know how I would deal
with the other side of the family.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Okay, yeah, we talked to those I don't know.
Speaker 5 (23:24):
So, just to share with everyone here, my granddaughter's other
side of the family is not involved at all, Like
I don't I don't even I honestly don't know these people.
Like you could be her grandfather and I'd be like, Okay,
how you doing because I don't know them, right and so,
but for April, she is co grandparenting and better words, yes,
(23:49):
and so I think that would be difficult for me
because to your point, you have your things, your way
of teaching, your the way that you are rearing her
and her grandparents used to say, and so it's like
to have someone undo what you do.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
I'm ready to fight. It's it's a hard task. It's
gonna it's a hard task. What's it? What's the term
relearning or rethinking? You know, as far, it's like doing
it over and over here, so that's that's my task,
Like okay, do it over again. So how so I
(24:33):
have to say that.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
The other part, the other pair, isn't doing what they
supposed to do. It's just what is not doing.
Speaker 3 (24:42):
It in my own It's just not nobody. Nothing is wrong.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
It's just different, Yeah, because there's different aspects of parenting
and guidance, guidance different.
Speaker 5 (24:56):
And you know for us as as all grandparents, we
parents in a different way because I know and I
look at these young.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Adults and these generations that want to call you by
your first name, don't want don't want to.
Speaker 5 (25:19):
Don't want to say hi, don't say please and thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
I have found so grandparenting.
Speaker 5 (25:25):
This is funny because grandparenting has made me want to grandparents' society.
I looked at somebody grown man was in the elevator
with me the other day and was like five, can
you press five?
Speaker 3 (25:40):
And I was like please, that's fine, and so he
said it, but I know he was cussing me out
in his head.
Speaker 5 (25:48):
But it's like you please, like you have to say please,
and so it's like, but that's what's going on, Like
there's no manners anymore. There's no there's no discipline, there's
no structure.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
And it's just like I couldnot baby.
Speaker 5 (26:04):
I don't, oh, April, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
I'm trying to because I don't know because if I
had figure it out, you know, struggle it is because
if she came back to me after a weekend acting away. Yeah,
next question, it's.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
A lot, It's a lot.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
My next one was parenting through adversity. MM, parenting through adversity?
How do you see that? I see it is parenting
to through adversity because, as we said, my son is
an addict and he's trying his best. And I know
that's a different ball game, it's a different beast. But
(26:55):
the adversity that I see it is the kids don't know. Yeah,
they they don't know, but they don't they know. My
grandson knows a little bit because you know, when they
come around with you don't know. But when my son
do come around.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
The kids are very smart. They're very smart.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
They have feelings and I know that and I'm speaking
out of experience, yes, because I ash ash I spoke before.
My parents were addicts, but my mom was a functioning
at it, so I knew when it would right, when
she would roll, I knew in a couple of days,
it's gonna be different around here.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
I'm gonna be in this piece by myself.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
I'm gonna have to get to school by myself, and
I'm gonna come home by myself. But it's different with
my son only because he has two well not too well.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
I can only speak for my household. He has two parents.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Speaking of my husband myself that's willing to catch him,
me catch him.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
As catch him as a father and catch him as
a son.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
So dealing with adversities with parenting grandchildren. You wanna pop
up and be dad today and then be absent tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
That's hard. Yeah, I think for me, as.
Speaker 5 (28:15):
I've shared before and I've shared with others, the adversity
for me right now is just raising Ava right and
raising able to be a good person.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
The hard part is gonna come when my daughter comes home.
Speaker 5 (28:31):
So you know, it's like when my daughter comes home,
she will have missed all of the formative years right
Like I've done all the potty training, all of the building,
the foundation, you know, the pleasing, thank you, the manners,
the the whole thing. Like she will have missed all
of the formative years. And the adversity comes in because
(28:56):
she can't just come home and feel like she's gonna
start being a primary parent like we we can that
that is going to be. I don't know what that's
gonna be.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
It's gonna be.
Speaker 5 (29:10):
A lot of adversity because again because my granddaughter knows her.
She knows mommy, but she knows mommy through the phone
or mommy on a computer when we do the video
calls and anything like that. And she's only seen my
daughter in person one time since she was a baby,
(29:32):
and so you know, like one time that she saw her,
they they play together. But even with that, like my
daughter was you know, cause we went down to the prison,
they had like a family day and so you know,
I sat back and she was acting like not that
she was acting like she was in a way or
anything like that, but she definitely wasn't like a you know,
(29:53):
let me grab her and take her and everything else
like that, and you know, able want to keep on
coming to me, and I'm like, nah, go buch your mother, you.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
Know, And so that is going to be It's gonna
be a.
Speaker 5 (30:05):
Lot of conversations it's gonna be a lot of boundary setting,
it's gonna be a lot of.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Just figuring it out.
Speaker 5 (30:17):
But what I know one thousand percent is that she
will not come to my home and feel like she's
going to undo everything that we did. And so that
whatever that means and whatever that takes, that's that's.
Speaker 3 (30:31):
What's going to happen and what's not going to happen. Yes,
I see too. Also in your book.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
This journal, yes, this this is it's a guide and
also a journal in it, and which is I felt
was pretty dope because after you you've dove into this guide,
what can you do with information?
Speaker 3 (30:55):
You can journal? And which is pretty dope. So tell
us a lot.
Speaker 5 (30:58):
And what's crazy is the person who edited my book
was like, I wouldn't advise any of my clients to
add a journal at the fact, like I.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
Just don't feel like it's well.
Speaker 5 (31:12):
And I was like, I feel like it is necessary,
and I did, Like, I let her do the editing
and do the formatting and everything she did, and I
added it afterwards because for me, to your point, I
felt it was important for people to be able to
write down what they learned, be able to take.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Notes on what's important to them.
Speaker 5 (31:36):
Yes, whatever the important parts were to be able to
maybe a jog, a core memory or something. Maybe something
in the book sparked something else that you went through
or something, but you needed a space to write it down,
Like I wanted you to be able to have a
space and a spot to write down whatever you took
away from the book. And also too that that was
(31:57):
the reason that I added stories from other people. Yes,
because I wanted this book not only to be tips
and tools on how to deal with what you're going through.
Speaker 3 (32:07):
I wanted you to hear the.
Speaker 5 (32:09):
Stories from other people so that you know you're not
alone on this journey.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
And so I spoke to several people on both sides.
I spoke to.
Speaker 5 (32:18):
Parents, accidental parents, and then individuals who were raised by
accidental parents to see it from both sides, because you
have to. And you and I spoke about this briefly
in the fact, although you know, like my struggles and
everything that I've gone through got me here and I
love where I am. Yes, agreed, It's just like what
(32:39):
if what if I had both of my parents?
Speaker 3 (32:42):
What if my parents didn't struggle with what they struggled with?
Speaker 5 (32:45):
What if I mean and then even on the opposite
of that, what if I had my grandparents, Like, what
if my grandparents were like, nah.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
Take this kids.
Speaker 5 (32:52):
So it's like, I want you to be able to
have a space to reflect on all of those things.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
I'm on feback. I'm believe that everything happening to behind time.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Yes, I believe that you are who you're supposed to
be right now. Yes, even with no parents, grandparents, uncle,
I'm gonna share this with you.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
I'm fifty years old and I just found out that
my my father's not my father. He yes, I just
like two months ago.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
And I don't feel betrayed, and I don't feel why
none of that. My father was my father, My mother
was my f my mother, and I was dealt those
cards and.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
I played the hand I was dealt.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I'm just appreciative of the time that I have with
my DNA now.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
So going forward, I'm gonna enjoy whatever we give each other.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
That's what we're gonna give each other. I am the
oldest of eleven oof. I grew up an only child.
Speaker 5 (33:51):
So I was gonna say, because I know that your
husband shared that you met your dad, but I didn't
know that you had a dad.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
That's so especial. Yeah, I'm interested in an accidental parent.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
My dad was a dad, but he wasn't a father
that when he came picked me up. I still remember
the phone number when you can say I'm coming and
never showed up.
Speaker 3 (34:15):
At fifty years old, I still remember that phone number.
I still remember the.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Phone ungerer, are you coming. Whenever I say dad, I'm
talking about my father. I'm not talking about DNA ohever.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
I always get that. Make sure understand whenever I say
dad or father, I'm.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Talking about that man who raised me and called me daughter,
not the DNA because at this point DNA is DNA
really don't matter. You know, relationships what you make them
at the end of the day. But the father that
I knew, I mean, it's it's accidental parent on him.
He dropped me off at my grandparents off. Those were
my parents.
Speaker 9 (34:49):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
When my father would come and get me for my mom, he.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
Would take me to my and skirt out. You know,
he still understand until the vice versa.
Speaker 5 (34:59):
With my mom.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
You know my mom, she you know, functioned in at
it as I said, and you know she was out
there and if she if I went to my Auntie's house,
which was her friend, that was my aunt. I stayed
there for forever, you know. I stayed there when she
when her kids was in Catholic school. Everyone was in
Catholic school too, you know, not because of direction of
(35:20):
my mother.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
It is because she was accidentally parenting me.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Yes, And I can't be great nothing but grateful for
everybody who accidentally parent me.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
Yeah, everybody. And I'm very appreciative of it, all of
it all. So yeah, yeah, that DNA on job. Yeah,
that's why I was like, I knew I saw some
of it, but of course I I wouldn't know the
whole story. But yeah, I mean it is different because
you know, even when you have your parents, that doesn't
(35:55):
mean that they're the dad or the mom, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 5 (35:58):
Like cause I have my step mother who passed away
about two years ago now, but my stepmother remained my
mother through divorce, through a new marriage. My dad married
somebody else. I ain't even like that hick, you know
what I mean. Like the first step mother was the
one was stuck.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
And so it's like even though my mom was around,
even though he married this new woman, the step mother
was the one like that was.
Speaker 5 (36:25):
That was who I spoke to, confided in who the
kids knew everything, having divine daughter because I have a daughter,
Yes I do, I have a daughter.
Speaker 3 (36:34):
I don't and I don't. None of my children are
step children.
Speaker 4 (36:39):
None of them.
Speaker 3 (36:39):
They my kids, my daughter, son or whatever, and I
have that. Come on, come on, okay, come on in here.
The cat's to write. Yes, I believed a book story, Y'allso.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Yeah, we appreciate you guys for being with us. This
is gonna be our last little question. I want you
to tell everybody we can get your book.
Speaker 3 (37:08):
That's our last question. Yes you got some more okay,
but yes, the book is available on Amazon. Don't you
say that in here?
Speaker 4 (37:21):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (37:22):
The book is available at malis dot com. If you
get your autographed copy, she will be signed.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
A should be autographing her books and you can only
get it autographed.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Copies and books. There you go. If you are following us,
please to Malik Books on all Socio California to come on.
Speaker 4 (37:47):
You got to come.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Yes, we can't wait to see you, and we appreciate
your continued support for Malik and April.
Speaker 3 (37:55):
Please come and see us and cope the location questions.
What she really meant was Mak's book is amazing question.
I had a correction. What I really wanted to do
(38:17):
was thank you for coming and sharing your story.
Speaker 10 (38:20):
It brought up, It brought up I was also accidentally
parented by a lot of people. What what you said was,
did you say drugs, incarculation, incarcuation and devastation and tragedy.
Mine was mental illness. So my mother was mentally ill
(38:41):
and it felt like she was on drugs. Yeah, it's
kind of almost the same. Is the actions can be
very similar. So I was accidentally parented by my grandmother,
by my eyes, by the foster care system, by McLaren Hall,
by a lot.
Speaker 9 (38:59):
Of different because they didn't know what to do with me.
Speaker 3 (39:03):
So like that's how I ended up in McLaren House.
So that's why when.
Speaker 10 (39:07):
I hear your story, I'm like, wow, it just brought
up so many memories for me as a child, And
God blessed you and you too able from taking care of.
Speaker 3 (39:17):
Someone else's child and giving them love and people.
Speaker 10 (39:23):
I I and it is so important to explain everything
about life to kids.
Speaker 3 (39:29):
I think because I was in so many.
Speaker 9 (39:31):
Different homes and so many accidentally parenting situations.
Speaker 3 (39:36):
I think they assumed I knew stuff from home to home.
Speaker 10 (39:39):
Yeah, I didn't know anything about my like when you
started yea, your female, my female, I didn't know any
I think they assumed that I learned that from somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
They No one talked me about how to talk to
boys and how they approach you and the only thing
that they want from you. I believe that they.
Speaker 9 (39:56):
Assume that someone else I already knew this. I have
to learn all of these things on my own. And
one of the most important things that I feel is
you gotta tell a child. You got to tell them
your experiences and the things that you know. And I'm
so grateful that too. There are two women in this
world you're too, sitting up there so that are doing
(40:17):
this and are parenting these these children now. And what
I do now for living, I'm a behavior therapist, so
I'm learning.
Speaker 3 (40:26):
Like you would say. So when I heard you say
that your your granddaughter said.
Speaker 10 (40:31):
Wait, yeah, yeah, like back in the day, would yeah,
and she would have been flying for as a behavioral therapist,
I would this is what they have done.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
My training is teaching me. Let's try that again. Let's try.
You still teach a child manners.
Speaker 9 (40:55):
When other people hear me do the Aba method with children,
they like, you're teaching her to matters.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
That's not a ba you, No, it's not. It's he
you say you're welcome. They don't teach you in Aba.
I'm teaching you how to be a human society. I'm
teaching you a life's heal. You said you're welcome.
Speaker 9 (41:13):
When the teacher hands you something, say thanks, say you're welcome,
you know, or say thank you you know. And that's
what I get to teach my kids.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
I teach them a little bit more. And that's from
my upgrading and and things that I learn her. So
thank you to women. And this is just a little bit. Look,
I might have to write another book after my daughter
come home.
Speaker 5 (41:40):
Okay, So I wanted to know how old will your
granddaughter be when your daughter comes home?
Speaker 3 (41:49):
So yes, so she will be going on six. So okay,
by the time my daughter comes home.
Speaker 5 (41:54):
That's why I was saying, like she's already like when
she comes home, she'll already be in school for real,
and so like she's missed all of the formative years.
Speaker 3 (42:04):
She's missed all of the fundamentals.
Speaker 5 (42:07):
Yeah, and so that's why I'm like, honestly, I send
this to somebody else, and I laugh when I think
about it, and I laugh when I.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
Say it because I'm sorry, and it's gonna sound bad,
and I know it does. It sounds bad.
Speaker 5 (42:27):
But I would love for my daughter to come home
and be the navy, like like, I just need her
to come home and do all the things that I
can't do, you know what I mean, Like I want
her to be the transportation. I want her to take
her to gymnas. I don't even need it a paperwork,
you know what I mean. I just want I want
her to be that person like of course she's mom,
(42:52):
you know what I mean, but as we are rebuilding
that relationship, I need her to be that person that
does all of the things, no questions answer, Like whatever
Eva has going on, whatever activity she has going on,
taking up to school, everything, I need her to be
(43:14):
that person.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
That's that's what I That's what I need. That's that's
what I need. I need that before she hit these
because it's like I don't.
Speaker 9 (43:27):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (43:27):
And that's why I said I'm still figuring it out, y'all.
I am, because this. This is it's hard.
Speaker 5 (43:33):
It's hard to it's hard to change the dynamics. Oh
we felt, yes, well it's gonna come back, all right, Yeah,
but it's hard to change the dynamic when you've been
doing this for like six years, you know. And so
I would want her to come back, And obviously I
(43:57):
want them to bond and forde their relationship and do
all the things.
Speaker 9 (44:02):
I just.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
Piggybacking off what you just said. I'm prayful and hopeful
that when my son, light bulb comes on, because daughters
are so different with their dad.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
Even though my grandson is proven he don't hit the
way that he feels and the way he looks at
his father, but his.
Speaker 3 (44:28):
Daughter, you know, it's totally different.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
So when that lightbulb kick on, and only thing matters
is them that love for her dad, Oh my gosh,
it's it's gonna be bananas. And I hope that he
is able to feed and feester that relationship with her.
Speaker 3 (44:49):
Does he come around also or right now?
Speaker 2 (44:51):
He is getting help right now, But when he is here,
you know, I don't, you don't know, but it's a.
Speaker 3 (44:57):
Hidden miss when you're when you're a antic as.
Speaker 5 (45:01):
A parent, who do I mean, I don't know your son,
but I live but I live with but I got
addicted parents.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Yeah, okay, when you know, yeah, you know the hit miss.
It's a hidden miss. But kids still long for that relationship.
I don't care if they didn't see their parent on
the street.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
They still long for that that relationship for the parent.
But when you are a.
Speaker 2 (45:21):
Full on parent and you are a father to a daughter,
the relationship is just like that. The daughter is so
in love with the dad. Because I was in love
with my father, I was like, my mother couldn't tell
me nothing about that.
Speaker 4 (45:37):
Man, even.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Every weekend, like what are you coming? And my mother
she couldn't tell me nothing about that about the man.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
And too, I became an adult and understood, like, oh,
this is what she was talking about, this is what.
Speaker 3 (45:52):
She's talking about. So if I didn't talk to you
for ten years, I didn't, I didn't care, but I
knew when I did talk to him, that was my daddy.
That was my father, and at the.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
End of his life, because he's he passed on the
day I found out my DNA was ninety nine point
nine nine.
Speaker 5 (46:06):
My father.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
Before look, I know, day on September thirteenth, my father
transition this year. I'm on that day my DNA results
came in from.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
The biological about that that man was my father ninety
nine point nine?
Speaker 3 (46:26):
Wait, how what?
Speaker 9 (46:27):
What major do this.
Speaker 4 (46:34):
Believe?
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Because if they called me and I thought it was
a telemarker, my husband can attested this.
Speaker 3 (46:39):
I'm talking to the baby she's now my niece, and
I'm like, are you sure this?
Speaker 2 (46:45):
She didn't know how to say much. My name is
a Prollo and she was trying to say it. I'm like,
I thought it was a telling tomorrow. I was like, yeah,
this is she's speaking.
Speaker 3 (46:52):
How can I help you? She said, well, my name
is Casey and I think you might be my aunt
meet me and then only child. I'm like, how can
I be your aunt? I don't have no sublings, how
can I be? What is this information come from? My
mom is.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Telling me that she been telling sorry, she's been telling me.
She has a sister in California and my grandpa David.
And when she said that name, I just started laughing
and d or yohy.
Speaker 3 (47:22):
So my human like what are you doing laughing over
there with the telemarketer? So I did a twenty three.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
Well, my husband did a twenty three and me on
all of our kids, me and him and the kids,
and my DNA results two years ago, right about two years.
Speaker 3 (47:36):
Ago, didn't come back as my name my father. I'm like, what,
why is it coming up? This Hicks, This Hicks is Hick.
I'm like, what is this? I didn't know?
Speaker 2 (47:46):
So push forward ward two years I get this phone
call and they'say, your mom was married to my grandpa.
Speaker 3 (47:55):
I'm like, how the man gets on up? They called
the man, We FaceTime and everything. Yeah, I was married
to your mom. You didn't know she was married?
Speaker 4 (48:06):
No, No, I did not know.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
My mom was married to this man for a year
and a half. Well, I'm telling my mom business.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
She's not here. So this is the story. So my
mom and my dad whenever I say my dad, I'm
talking about my dad was together.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
She left my father and went to Arkansas, where she
was born, and she started dating this this gentleman named David,
and she married him.
Speaker 3 (48:35):
So she was finished with David. She's like, I'm done
with you. I'm going back home. So she came back
home to my dad, and my dad and her was together.
She was in the hospital and I was born. My
dad was there and everything so pushed forward.
Speaker 2 (48:52):
She my mom must have came back pregnant. Basically, yeah,
she must have came back pregnant. And my dad was like, hey,
this's mine and it don't.
Speaker 3 (49:00):
Even matter who is mine.
Speaker 2 (49:02):
So they called me on my father's birthday. All my
dad's birthday, August nineteenth.
Speaker 3 (49:08):
It is my father's birthday.
Speaker 2 (49:09):
I got this walk home's birthday September thirteenth, my father transition,
and I told her before I get too invested with
all this information y'all giving me, I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (49:19):
Need to get the DNA tests.
Speaker 4 (49:20):
What can we do it?
Speaker 3 (49:21):
So the sister, one of my other sisters found the
DNA place. Mind you, my sister worked for the government.
Decide they found me. She worked for the government and.
Speaker 2 (49:30):
She was too afraid to call, so she gave the baby,
which is sixteen the numbers that you call WO So.
Speaker 3 (49:37):
They called and the information that they gave that she
got was proven. She works for the government.
Speaker 2 (49:42):
So she knew the bookstore, she knew my husband, she
knew everything. Wow, she knew everything. So the DNA said, look,
look can I get the DNA. So she found the
place we all swabbed. I video everything.
Speaker 3 (49:55):
We swabbed.
Speaker 2 (49:56):
I swabbed me, they swabbed the dad, and they swabbed
the sisters, and everybody was like, oh, we can't wait,
mind you. We did this on a Thursday.
Speaker 3 (50:05):
We had to wait Friday, the weekend they don't work,
and Monday, so we had to wait. Holler. So I'm
at thirteenth look on your email. My phone was blowing up.
Should check my email check up and it said ninety
nine for nine nine percent. This man to my father. Wow,
(50:25):
I still don't believe it, though I call the people,
Is this right? Mind you?
Speaker 2 (50:32):
I'm a nurse by tray. I knew it was right,
but I just wasn't. I'm like, this is unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (50:38):
But I told I told my my sister friend to
sit here. So I'm so grateful that my dad has passed.
But I was grateful, Yeah, but I'm grateful that he had.
Speaker 2 (50:50):
He transitioned knowing that I knew that he was my father.
He didn't have to answer to any of the questions
that I have. So I'm so grateful for for that.
We've only gone to Texas and seeing these people, and
I was fighting with myself.
Speaker 3 (51:06):
Like am I betraying my mother by doing this, I
was fighting. I'm like, if she didn't want me to know,
she mustn't want me to know. Fifty years later and
my mother has a twin sister, and she kept it
and I needed I need a friend like her. I
need a sister like her, because it wasn't her job
to tell me anything. My mother told you, don't say anything.
(51:26):
If she tell you, don't say anything. That's what she meant.
Take it to your grave. Don't say anything. Let it
come out when it needs to come out.
Speaker 2 (51:33):
When I finally told my aunt about the dnabris else,
she said, thank you, I'm released.
Speaker 3 (51:38):
Oh wow, thank you, I'm released.
Speaker 7 (51:43):
So I'm grateful for my aunt, my mom, twin sister,
sister the way in No, she passed on five years ago,
so that's why I said, she's not here all too
except by deny information.
Speaker 3 (52:00):
Yeah, I am the oldest. You've been the oldest and
grew up the only child that is crazy, the only child.
I was getting saying. That's a whole other story within
itself going into that. But I actruly enjoyed our conversations.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
This for me.
Speaker 3 (52:29):
Make sure you pick it up.
Speaker 4 (52:37):
All right.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
Good night, guys, Thanks for listening to Malik's Bookshelf with
topics on the shelf, our books, culture and community.
Speaker 4 (52:48):
Be sure to subscribe and leave me a review. Check
out my Instagram at Malak Books. See you next time.
Malague has how the knowledge you want, my league, but
has how a knowledge you need?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Yet they have out the.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
Books that the whole wild world. What dread Malague?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
But welcome, Welcome, Welcome to Malik's Book Show bringing a
world together with books, culture and community.
Speaker 4 (00:21):
Y'all.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
We had a wonderful what they call a tiny death experience,
but it was called the Milik Books Show, Books and
Music Experience where we had a full on concert and
book talk at Malik Books a few weeks ago with the.
Speaker 4 (00:39):
Five time Grammy winner PJ. Morton.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
It went down inside of Milik Books in the Westfield,
Coobe City, standing room only. He performed some of his hits.
Man he broke them, broke the crowd down with his
most famous song. One of his most famous song which
is called let Go Let God and that right dead
man was so electric and motivational.
Speaker 4 (01:04):
Man, it was great.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
You know, a concert and a book talk right inside
the bookstore with five time Grammy winner PJ.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
Morton.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Now his book they just came out, which we got
all the graph copies at Moleague Books. It's called Saturday
Night Sunday Morning. It's about PJ. Morton's life growing up
in the church as well as becoming a jazz.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
And R and B artist.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
He plays the piano as well as the other instruments.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
But it was so electric, so powerful, and his book
is simply a book to.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Talk about how to be in the world, but not
of it. You see what I'm saying, be in the world,
not of it. He didn't lose his soul because he
sang circular type music. Doesn't wanna be called the gospel
and be labeled gospel artists. But his music is filled
with so much passion, so much soul, and so much
(02:12):
of our I guess storytelling. You know, he speaks from
the heart, He speaks from his experience, but his soul
for music, it's hard for music. And the book just
tells his journey. He went to Africa, spent a lot
of time. That's his new album just out and he's
(02:32):
it's one of the new songs he just came up with,
is I Found Love?
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Well, basically cause.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
He went to Africa, he found love and he wrote
a whole spiritual album just on that that just came out.
Speaker 4 (02:45):
I think it's called From Cairo to Egypt something like that.
You can't quote me on it, but BJ Morton did
a nice talk.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
The moderator for the event was was from k jlho
sponsor the event.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
That's a Stevie Wonder's black radio station right here in
the community.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
And they had a Ricky Rutgers was the moderator, was
one of the DJ's over at KJLA.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
So we're very we were very blessed and grateful.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
It was packed house, standing room only, two hundred people
grooving and jivan into the talk and into the music.
That's why I'm I labeled this our first concert in
book talk. I believe I labeled the Elite's books, you know,
music and books. I'm gonna be posted on YouTube. You
gotta go to YouTube cause it's.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
Gonna be called just that Elite Books, music and Books.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
We're trying to do a whole series of concerts and
book talks right inside.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
Elite Books in the Westfield, Coca City Mall. But it
was powerful and it.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Was the one for the books. It was his start
and when he we gotta signed copies of this book
Saturday night Sunday morning. How you can be in the world,
not of it, still keep your spiritual walk, still keep
your beliefs, but yet find the joy in the world,
(04:16):
find the love and joy and happiness in the world.
And that's what PJ. Morton was able to because his
father's a big time preacher now big time preacher. So
oftentimes those types of children become gospel scene. Well, DJ
(04:38):
didn't want to just be a gospel scene. He wanted
to be an R and B and jazz. You know,
he from Louisiana.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
And they are that's the heart of America for musicians.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Boo the coase a doma doesn't They don't mean they're
all good, but they show can play, They show love music,
they show can.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
Play the mystery and out there you can.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Go from bar to bar and get live music all
throughout Bourbon Street or Canal Street. Out there in Louisiana,
that's where the home of the Essence Festival take place.
And Boy or Boy, that was an expreend. I went
for the first time this year twenty twenty four, had
a wonderful time. So but once again this particular episode.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Is going to feature a talk.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
A book talk that my wife had at Malague Books
where she talked about The Accidental Parent.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
With Adrian Allen and we also got signed copies that book.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Inside of the Malague book, but she did a book
talk and discussion about being an accidental parent, and I.
Speaker 4 (05:44):
Know a lot of y'all can relate.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
To that because we have a lot of grandparents raising
their grandchildren or nieces nephews being raised by their uncles
or nieces or grandparents.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
So it happens in every community.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
And that's what this book is about, becoming an accidental parent,
stepping up when one of.
Speaker 4 (06:09):
Your family members isn't able to.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
And so they had a nice discussion about this book
called The Accidental Parent by Adrian Alexander Allen and we
do have some signed copies. But one thing I want
to point out is that she's an independent, self published author,
and that's how Malik Books got started.
Speaker 4 (06:34):
That's how Malik Books started.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Back in nineteen nine, were a lot of self published
and independent authors.
Speaker 4 (06:41):
So we always give love to.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Our independent author when we can. We don't always just
do events where we highlight just celebrities or best selling authors,
but we do take time out to host independent self
public and give them as inside of my League books.
Speaker 4 (07:01):
And Adrian Alexander.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Had a robust conversation with April who was the moderator
for this event. So I'm gonna feature that on this episode,
Accidental parent.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Welcome Tonight is gonna be a beautiful conversation between you
and I. Yes, and we're gonna talk about personal issues
about accidental parenting. Yes, And I said in the back,
it's really not an accident. It's just what you were
supposed to do. And everything happened in the vine tie
and then the vine time was just your moment. My
moment happened maybe two and a half years ago with
(07:40):
my grandchildren. They are now four and three years old.
And mind you, my children are nineteen and seventeen. So
that's like starting all over again, starting all over again.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
And I welcome it.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I wasn't fully well, I can't say fully it was
confusing to me, like, okay, so what do.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
We do do we you know, do it full on?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Or how do we do this? Then at the end
of the day, time will let you know how to
do it.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
I started over a little.
Speaker 5 (08:14):
It was a little more of a start over for me.
My kids are and this has been for me. It's
been about three years now. And at the time my
children were maybe how were they so maybe like twenty seven,
twenty five and twenty Yes, and So at the time
(08:38):
my youngest son was just graduating high school.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
I was on my way out. I was like, I
don't have.
Speaker 5 (08:45):
To worry about no school meetings. I don't have to
worry about oh my god. I was like, I don't
have to worry about making sure nobody get on the
school bus. I don't have to worry about waking nobody up.
I don't have to do any of that. And in
the blink of them.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
Now I was cheating, yep, change overnight. So it's just
it is.
Speaker 5 (09:04):
It's it's very it's confusing, it's interesting, it's it's a
lot like we say, you ain't gonna keep on representations back,
but I mean, it is a lot of emotions to go.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Through to go with it.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Yes, sure, minds came from just confusion.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Like confusion of am I doing the right thing.
Speaker 6 (09:24):
For my grandchildren, for my marriage, for my own children?
Am I doing the right thing? And at the end
of the day, I feel in my heart that I
did the right thing by getting in the.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Car driving from California to Tijuana in the car with
my husband and my two children to get my grandchildren.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
I know that we well, I know that I did
the right thing because I'm a driver.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
As we spoke before, I'm a driver, and I had
so many things and thoughts in my head about this situation.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
And I know that at the end of the day,
my grandchildren needed like I needed so many people in
my life.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Like I'm fifty years old now and I know so
many Oh, it's a term that we that we gonna
talk about, Yeah, kinship, kinship, kinship and caregiving. Yes, but
I know so many people and in my life that
that offered that to me. It didn't have that term
back in the day, right, but that term, let's talk
about that term. Yeah, So what we were talking about
(10:26):
is kinship care. And what I realized cause I did release.
Speaker 5 (10:30):
My book on Grandparents' Day because what is that September eighth, Okay,
and a lot of people don't know that there is
a grandparents Day, and so I felt it was right
because most of kinship care givers are grandparents, and so
I wanted to celebrate grandparents by releasing a book on
(10:51):
that day. But in these last two months since I
released the book, I realized.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
So many people have never heard the term kinship care. Well,
we didn't have that turn, but you going to your grandparents.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Are you going to Auntie summing Tom house and you
that's that was your home?
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Right?
Speaker 4 (11:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (11:07):
And that's what we were like, yes, because you know,
another thing that happened was you just got dropped off, right,
that's it.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
There was no legal paperwork, there was no you know, like,
there wasn't a lot of conversation about it. I need
I know.
Speaker 5 (11:19):
For me, I've never lived anywhere else. I never lived
with my parents. I know who my parents were, they
were around, but my home was my grandparents' house.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
And there was no.
Speaker 5 (11:31):
Legal document to be like y'all got custody of her
or they adopted me or anything like that.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
It's just like this is where you live. This is home.
Speaker 5 (11:39):
And so it's like now people allow people's experience or
have experienced kinship care, but just don't know until you
explained it, like they've experienced it, they've lived it. And
then when you say, well that's kinship there and now, oh,
oh that's what that is, I just thought, right, yeah,
it's a kinship care.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
That was a term that that was when you and
I st started our conversation.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Yes, what's that about a year and a half ago.
It's and that's so crazy right here at this calendar. Yes,
And we just started conversating Conversatan about something that we
could relate to.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
And that was our our grandchildren and becoming accidental.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
Parents, right, Yes, And so the book is the Accidental Parent,
Nurturing love and unfreseen circumstances. It was written for individuals
standing in the gap raising children who aren't biologically their
own due to addiction, incarceration.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Or tragedy. Yes, and Minus's.
Speaker 5 (12:37):
Addiction and my early experience was addiction. Yes, I'm being
raised by my grandparents because my parents.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Struggled with addictions.
Speaker 5 (12:46):
And now it's because of incarcerations.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Twofold Mines was for me.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Minues was addiction because of my parents, and then mine's
now is addiction because of my son.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Yes, so it's and I knew that that when it happened.
Just you have to do it. You need to so
many people that have done it for you. Yeah, so many, Bee,
So it needs to be specificated and impeciprocated.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Would love and a blessed heart because I know if
if people didn't bless me with their time and just
woke me in in their home, I.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Don't know what the outcome of April will be yes.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
So I give that back to my grandchildren, my kids,
you know, I get that back.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
I was telling somebody the other day.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
I was like, I've tried to be different with my granddaughter.
It is and it's funny because, man, it's funny because
I feel like.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Our grandkids or our grandchild.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Third question too, navigating the difference between parenting.
Speaker 5 (13:52):
Skills, Oh my gosh, and so's it's funny because grandchildren.
I feel like grandchildren these days are winning because they
are getting it from experience.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
Right.
Speaker 5 (14:05):
I know what I did, I know what happened to
me and how I was raised.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
I know how I raised my kids.
Speaker 5 (14:12):
And so now raising another generation, it's like all of
the experience and the lessons are there. However, I was like, Okay,
I am going to do different from what I did
with my children and try not to be like because
I said so, or you just do it because I
(14:33):
want you to do it, or you know, really having conversations.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Oh, my grandson, why everything is why GM? And I
try my best to explain it to him, but I'm like, okay, now.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
It's because I said so.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
And so that's and I do with with Ava, I
will allow her the space to share, you know, like
what she's feeling and what she's going through.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
But y'all, she stomped me the other day.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
Oh, shet me the other day, and you know it
it I had we had a conversation earlier on in
the week and she kind of like snapped at me
a little bit, and I was like, hey, you can't
talk to grandma.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
I like that.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Grandma doesn't like that. That's not nice.
Speaker 5 (15:23):
And so then, you know, fast forward later in the
week and she was putting on her school uniform and
she was having struggles with it zipper in her backs.
So I was like, well, let me just hold it.
I'll hold it, you zip and so I held it.
She zipping it. Well, you didn't let me do it,
and I was like, hey, watch your tone, watch your tone.
(15:47):
And she stomped and she's like, I am a big girl.
I don't need help from anyone.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And I guess I blacked.
Speaker 5 (15:54):
Out because you know, the next thing I know, she crying.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
I'm like listen, yeah, I remember those days. Yeah, I'm like,
hold on. I was like, I tried to help you.
Speaker 5 (16:13):
I was like, if you are big enough for a
big girl enough to talk to me like that you
big girl.
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Enough with these consequences. Yes, yes, with.
Speaker 5 (16:22):
These and so yeah, so I'm trying. I'm trying, but.
Speaker 7 (16:28):
I have a seat.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Thank you so much for yes, Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
That's my friend, y'all.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
I'm wanting to ask you a question. Lessons lessons that.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Not only for your grand daughter, but lessons to yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
That's a great question. Ooh, that's a great question.
Speaker 5 (17:04):
I I feel like that is a part of the
lesson as well, like allowing her cause I I tell her,
you know, like let's have a conversation about why you're
angry or why you're sad, or you know, like anything
like let's let's breathe through it, let's talk about it.
And so that's a lesson for both of us because
(17:25):
it helps me with my patience and my tolerance as well.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Y'all.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
One time I was talking to her.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
I I I was cause I do try to give
her a space, her big girl's space to get herself
ready and you know, like do whatever she can.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Do on her own.
Speaker 5 (17:40):
M And one morning she was getting dressed and I
I was just doing busy stuff in the garage, and
I was like, Ava, are you dressed? And she was
like no, can you just wait?
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (17:56):
And I was like and that's exactly And I was like,
well wait, like she he's really saying.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Can you wait give me a minute?
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:04):
And it was like, you know, for us, we are yes,
can you wait? But before I jumped out, I was like.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
She it was innocent enough, like are you like just
give me a minute, and not to receive it like
can you wait?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Her being smart because I hopefully she ain't mean it
that way.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
I'm going to receive it as she ain't mean it
that way, so I don't have to get out on her.
But those are the lessons, right, The lessons are really identifying.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
What is.
Speaker 5 (18:40):
What is innocent from from a four year old brain
versus me receiving it as a year yeah, And so
that that is the lesson because I really was, cause
I instantly, like everybody in here when I heard it,
I was like, can I wait? But then I was like,
wait a minute, maybe she didn't mean it that.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Way, and so I was just like, Okay, my lesson
that I I've learned through this whole experience of grandparenting,
accident parenting. It's patience, patience not only with them, but
patience with myself. Patience with myself, cause it's conversations that
(19:24):
I have.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
With my grandchildren that I did not have with my
my kids.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
M my kids are like, if I tell you more
than one time, there's a problem, that's right, there's there's.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
There's a problem.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
With my grandchildren, I give them a little bit more
leadway because they're are they're they're they're in my home,
but they're not in my home all the time, and
the parenting that I give them they're not receiving elsewhere.
So I have to be patient on that because they're
hearing and seeing things.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Differently other than in my household.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
But I do I I correct it out of of love.
I corrected, Hey, we bless them here. We don't do
that in here. We love each other in here.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Don't talk to your sister like that, don't talk to
your brother like that.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
And when they do argue, I did take this lesson
that I did with my own children when they argued
and fight, I used to make them sit in the
mirror with each look at each other and hold each
other's hand and tell each other how much.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
You love each other. And they did not like it.
So my he's like no, I did not.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Yes, so I do that with my grandchildren now, and
they said, I love you Camilla.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
I love you Ishmael.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
What you like about your brother, what you like And
then it helps me learn something about myself, like Okay,
good job, and it's okay to have a good job
to yourself because.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
We need it. Yes, we need the good jobs and
job well done.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
And what else can I do to help you because
we need to help as grandparents.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
Yes, I talk about that in the book.
Speaker 5 (20:57):
I'm not sure if that was one of your questions,
but I talk about help in the book because as
for how to ask for it, how to receive it,
how to recognize it, how to tell people how to help,
because not everybody knows the help that you need. And
sometimes people offer help and it's the wrong kind of help,
Like it's you know, even with my husband and my
(21:19):
son or whatever, they would help, but help is a
little more than changing a.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Diaper at the time or making her.
Speaker 5 (21:26):
Something to eat or you know what I'm saying, Like
it's like, you gotta like know the kind of help
that I need and don't be offended when I say you,
because they definitely got offended, and I was like you
aren't helping or this isn't helping, and they would be like.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Well how you how it'll help?
Speaker 5 (21:41):
Yeah, So it's like you really have to learn to
understand and recognize what helps. Look what help looks like
for you at whatever stage you're in, and so it's
not gonna always be the same. Yes, the help is
what help is needed at that time. And so we
have to learn and especially because as because at first
(22:03):
it was me like I was just like when Ama
sick is me? When ever got to go to the
daycare is me? Wheneva gotta be picked up from daycare
is me? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
It's like, so those things are all me.
Speaker 5 (22:15):
So you coming in the room and talk to her
for five minutes and then going on about your day.
Speaker 8 (22:20):
My routine, Yes, that is disruptive my routine, yes, yes,
And so that is that's important.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
I have that. I have that.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
My husband and I we do it totally different. I
have a routine that I follow and I follow it.
He has this routine and I was like, that's burger
for you.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
But we have a routine that we go by. They
know when it's my day and they know when it's
g Daddy's day. They know, they know, they know the routine,
and that's what the kids believe me though, Yeah, boutine,
utine and structure.
Speaker 5 (23:08):
So I think for me though, I kind of lucked
up on that part because we spoke about it a
little bit. I honestly don't know how I would deal
with the other side of the family.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Okay, yeah, we talked to those I don't know.
Speaker 5 (23:24):
So, just to share with everyone here, my granddaughter's other
side of the family is not involved at all, Like
I don't I don't even I honestly don't know these people.
Like you could be her grandfather and I'd be like, Okay,
how you doing because I don't know them, right and so,
but for April, she is co grandparenting and better words, yes,
(23:49):
and so I think that would be difficult for me
because to your point, you have your things, your way
of teaching, your the way that you are rearing her
and her grandparents used to say, and so it's like
to have someone undo what you do.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
I'm ready to fight. It's it's a hard task. It's
gonna it's a hard task. What's it? What's the term
relearning or rethinking? You know, as far, it's like doing
it over and over here, so that's that's my task,
Like okay, do it over again. So how so I
(24:33):
have to say that.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
The other part, the other pair, isn't doing what they
supposed to do. It's just what is not doing.
Speaker 3 (24:42):
It in my own It's just not nobody. Nothing is wrong.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
It's just different, Yeah, because there's different aspects of parenting
and guidance, guidance different.
Speaker 5 (24:56):
And you know for us as as all grandparents, we
parents in a different way because I know and I
look at these young.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Adults and these generations that want to call you by
your first name, don't want don't want to.
Speaker 5 (25:19):
Don't want to say hi, don't say please and thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
I have found so grandparenting.
Speaker 5 (25:25):
This is funny because grandparenting has made me want to grandparents' society.
I looked at somebody grown man was in the elevator
with me the other day and was like five, can
you press five?
Speaker 3 (25:40):
And I was like please, that's fine, and so he
said it, but I know he was cussing me out
in his head.
Speaker 5 (25:48):
But it's like you please, like you have to say please,
and so it's like, but that's what's going on, Like
there's no manners anymore. There's no there's no discipline, there's
no structure.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
And it's just like I couldnot baby.
Speaker 5 (26:04):
I don't, oh, April, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
I'm trying to because I don't know because if I
had figure it out, you know, struggle it is because
if she came back to me after a weekend acting away. Yeah,
next question, it's.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
A lot, It's a lot.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
My next one was parenting through adversity. MM, parenting through adversity?
How do you see that? I see it is parenting
to through adversity because, as we said, my son is
an addict and he's trying his best. And I know
that's a different ball game, it's a different beast. But
(26:55):
the adversity that I see it is the kids don't know. Yeah,
they they don't know, but they don't they know. My
grandson knows a little bit because you know, when they
come around with you don't know. But when my son
do come around.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
The kids are very smart. They're very smart.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
They have feelings and I know that and I'm speaking
out of experience, yes, because I ash ash I spoke before.
My parents were addicts, but my mom was a functioning
at it, so I knew when it would right, when
she would roll, I knew in a couple of days,
it's gonna be different around here.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
I'm gonna be in this piece by myself.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
I'm gonna have to get to school by myself, and
I'm gonna come home by myself. But it's different with
my son only because he has two well not too well.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
I can only speak for my household. He has two parents.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Speaking of my husband myself that's willing to catch him,
me catch him.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
As catch him as a father and catch him as
a son.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
So dealing with adversities with parenting grandchildren. You wanna pop
up and be dad today and then be absent tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
That's hard. Yeah, I think for me, as.
Speaker 5 (28:15):
I've shared before and I've shared with others, the adversity
for me right now is just raising Ava right and
raising able to be a good person.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
The hard part is gonna come when my daughter comes home.
Speaker 5 (28:31):
So you know, it's like when my daughter comes home,
she will have missed all of the formative years right
Like I've done all the potty training, all of the building,
the foundation, you know, the pleasing, thank you, the manners,
the the whole thing. Like she will have missed all
of the formative years. And the adversity comes in because
(28:56):
she can't just come home and feel like she's gonna
start being a primary parent like we we can that
that is going to be. I don't know what that's
gonna be.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
It's gonna be.
Speaker 5 (29:10):
A lot of adversity because again because my granddaughter knows her.
She knows mommy, but she knows mommy through the phone
or mommy on a computer when we do the video
calls and anything like that. And she's only seen my
daughter in person one time since she was a baby,
(29:32):
and so you know, like one time that she saw her,
they they play together. But even with that, like my
daughter was you know, cause we went down to the prison,
they had like a family day and so you know,
I sat back and she was acting like not that
she was acting like she was in a way or
anything like that, but she definitely wasn't like a you know,
(29:53):
let me grab her and take her and everything else
like that, and you know, able want to keep on
coming to me, and I'm like, nah, go buch your mother, you.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
Know, And so that is going to be It's gonna
be a.
Speaker 5 (30:05):
Lot of conversations it's gonna be a lot of boundary setting,
it's gonna be a lot of.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Just figuring it out.
Speaker 5 (30:17):
But what I know one thousand percent is that she
will not come to my home and feel like she's
going to undo everything that we did. And so that
whatever that means and whatever that takes, that's that's.
Speaker 3 (30:31):
What's going to happen and what's not going to happen. Yes,
I see too. Also in your book.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
This journal, yes, this this is it's a guide and
also a journal in it, and which is I felt
was pretty dope because after you you've dove into this guide,
what can you do with information?
Speaker 3 (30:55):
You can journal? And which is pretty dope. So tell
us a lot.
Speaker 5 (30:58):
And what's crazy is the person who edited my book
was like, I wouldn't advise any of my clients to
add a journal at the fact, like I.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
Just don't feel like it's well.
Speaker 5 (31:12):
And I was like, I feel like it is necessary,
and I did, Like, I let her do the editing
and do the formatting and everything she did, and I
added it afterwards because for me, to your point, I
felt it was important for people to be able to
write down what they learned, be able to take.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Notes on what's important to them.
Speaker 5 (31:36):
Yes, whatever the important parts were to be able to
maybe a jog, a core memory or something. Maybe something
in the book sparked something else that you went through
or something, but you needed a space to write it down,
Like I wanted you to be able to have a
space and a spot to write down whatever you took
away from the book. And also too that that was
(31:57):
the reason that I added stories from other people. Yes,
because I wanted this book not only to be tips
and tools on how to deal with what you're going through.
Speaker 3 (32:07):
I wanted you to hear the.
Speaker 5 (32:09):
Stories from other people so that you know you're not
alone on this journey.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
And so I spoke to several people on both sides.
I spoke to.
Speaker 5 (32:18):
Parents, accidental parents, and then individuals who were raised by
accidental parents to see it from both sides, because you
have to. And you and I spoke about this briefly
in the fact, although you know, like my struggles and
everything that I've gone through got me here and I
love where I am. Yes, agreed, It's just like what
(32:39):
if what if I had both of my parents?
Speaker 3 (32:42):
What if my parents didn't struggle with what they struggled with?
Speaker 5 (32:45):
What if I mean and then even on the opposite
of that, what if I had my grandparents, Like, what
if my grandparents were like, nah.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
Take this kids.
Speaker 5 (32:52):
So it's like, I want you to be able to
have a space to reflect on all of those things.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
I'm on feback. I'm believe that everything happening to behind time.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Yes, I believe that you are who you're supposed to
be right now. Yes, even with no parents, grandparents, uncle,
I'm gonna share this with you.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
I'm fifty years old and I just found out that
my my father's not my father. He yes, I just
like two months ago.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
And I don't feel betrayed, and I don't feel why
none of that. My father was my father, My mother
was my f my mother, and I was dealt those
cards and.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
I played the hand I was dealt.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I'm just appreciative of the time that I have with
my DNA now.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
So going forward, I'm gonna enjoy whatever we give each other.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
That's what we're gonna give each other. I am the
oldest of eleven oof. I grew up an only child.
Speaker 5 (33:51):
So I was gonna say, because I know that your
husband shared that you met your dad, but I didn't
know that you had a dad.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
That's so especial. Yeah, I'm interested in an accidental parent.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
My dad was a dad, but he wasn't a father
that when he came picked me up. I still remember
the phone number when you can say I'm coming and
never showed up.
Speaker 3 (34:15):
At fifty years old, I still remember that phone number.
I still remember the.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Phone ungerer, are you coming. Whenever I say dad, I'm
talking about my father. I'm not talking about DNA ohever.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
I always get that. Make sure understand whenever I say
dad or father, I'm.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Talking about that man who raised me and called me daughter,
not the DNA because at this point DNA is DNA
really don't matter. You know, relationships what you make them
at the end of the day. But the father that
I knew, I mean, it's it's accidental parent on him.
He dropped me off at my grandparents off. Those were
my parents.
Speaker 9 (34:49):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
When my father would come and get me for my mom, he.
Speaker 3 (34:53):
Would take me to my and skirt out. You know,
he still understand until the vice versa.
Speaker 5 (34:59):
With my mom.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
You know my mom, she you know, functioned in at
it as I said, and you know she was out
there and if she if I went to my Auntie's house,
which was her friend, that was my aunt. I stayed
there for forever, you know. I stayed there when she
when her kids was in Catholic school. Everyone was in
Catholic school too, you know, not because of direction of
(35:20):
my mother.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
It is because she was accidentally parenting me.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Yes, And I can't be great nothing but grateful for
everybody who accidentally parent me.
Speaker 3 (35:30):
Yeah, everybody. And I'm very appreciative of it, all of
it all. So yeah, yeah, that DNA on job. Yeah,
that's why I was like, I knew I saw some
of it, but of course I I wouldn't know the
whole story. But yeah, I mean it is different because
you know, even when you have your parents, that doesn't
(35:55):
mean that they're the dad or the mom, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 5 (35:58):
Like cause I have my step mother who passed away
about two years ago now, but my stepmother remained my
mother through divorce, through a new marriage. My dad married
somebody else. I ain't even like that hick, you know
what I mean. Like the first step mother was the
one was stuck.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
And so it's like even though my mom was around,
even though he married this new woman, the step mother
was the one like that was.
Speaker 5 (36:25):
That was who I spoke to, confided in who the
kids knew everything, having divine daughter because I have a daughter,
Yes I do, I have a daughter.
Speaker 3 (36:34):
I don't and I don't. None of my children are
step children.
Speaker 4 (36:39):
None of them.
Speaker 3 (36:39):
They my kids, my daughter, son or whatever, and I
have that. Come on, come on, okay, come on in here.
The cat's to write. Yes, I believed a book story, Y'allso.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Yeah, we appreciate you guys for being with us. This
is gonna be our last little question. I want you
to tell everybody we can get your book.
Speaker 3 (37:08):
That's our last question. Yes you got some more okay,
but yes, the book is available on Amazon. Don't you
say that in here?
Speaker 4 (37:21):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (37:22):
The book is available at malis dot com. If you
get your autographed copy, she will be signed.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
A should be autographing her books and you can only
get it autographed.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Copies and books. There you go. If you are following us,
please to Malik Books on all Socio California to come on.
Speaker 4 (37:47):
You got to come.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Yes, we can't wait to see you, and we appreciate
your continued support for Malik and April.
Speaker 3 (37:55):
Please come and see us and cope the location questions.
What she really meant was Mak's book is amazing question.
I had a correction. What I really wanted to do
(38:17):
was thank you for coming and sharing your story.
Speaker 10 (38:20):
It brought up, It brought up I was also accidentally
parented by a lot of people. What what you said was,
did you say drugs, incarculation, incarcuation and devastation and tragedy.
Mine was mental illness. So my mother was mentally ill
(38:41):
and it felt like she was on drugs. Yeah, it's
kind of almost the same. Is the actions can be
very similar. So I was accidentally parented by my grandmother,
by my eyes, by the foster care system, by McLaren Hall,
by a lot.
Speaker 9 (38:59):
Of different because they didn't know what to do with me.
Speaker 3 (39:03):
So like that's how I ended up in McLaren House.
So that's why when.
Speaker 10 (39:07):
I hear your story, I'm like, wow, it just brought
up so many memories for me as a child, And
God blessed you and you too able from taking care of.
Speaker 3 (39:17):
Someone else's child and giving them love and people.
Speaker 10 (39:23):
I I and it is so important to explain everything
about life to kids.
Speaker 3 (39:29):
I think because I was in so many.
Speaker 9 (39:31):
Different homes and so many accidentally parenting situations.
Speaker 3 (39:36):
I think they assumed I knew stuff from home to home.
Speaker 10 (39:39):
Yeah, I didn't know anything about my like when you
started yea, your female, my female, I didn't know any
I think they assumed that I learned that from somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
They No one talked me about how to talk to
boys and how they approach you and the only thing
that they want from you. I believe that they.
Speaker 9 (39:56):
Assume that someone else I already knew this. I have
to learn all of these things on my own. And
one of the most important things that I feel is
you gotta tell a child. You got to tell them
your experiences and the things that you know. And I'm
so grateful that too. There are two women in this
world you're too, sitting up there so that are doing
(40:17):
this and are parenting these these children now. And what
I do now for living, I'm a behavior therapist, so
I'm learning.
Speaker 3 (40:26):
Like you would say. So when I heard you say
that your your granddaughter said.
Speaker 10 (40:31):
Wait, yeah, yeah, like back in the day, would yeah,
and she would have been flying for as a behavioral therapist,
I would this is what they have done.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
My training is teaching me. Let's try that again. Let's try.
You still teach a child manners.
Speaker 9 (40:55):
When other people hear me do the Aba method with children,
they like, you're teaching her to matters.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
That's not a ba you, No, it's not. It's he
you say you're welcome. They don't teach you in Aba.
I'm teaching you how to be a human society. I'm
teaching you a life's heal. You said you're welcome.
Speaker 9 (41:13):
When the teacher hands you something, say thanks, say you're welcome,
you know, or say thank you you know. And that's
what I get to teach my kids.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
I teach them a little bit more. And that's from
my upgrading and and things that I learn her. So
thank you to women. And this is just a little bit. Look,
I might have to write another book after my daughter
come home.
Speaker 5 (41:40):
Okay, So I wanted to know how old will your
granddaughter be when your daughter comes home?
Speaker 3 (41:49):
So yes, so she will be going on six. So okay,
by the time my daughter comes home.
Speaker 5 (41:54):
That's why I was saying, like she's already like when
she comes home, she'll already be in school for real,
and so like she's missed all of the formative years.
Speaker 3 (42:04):
She's missed all of the fundamentals.
Speaker 5 (42:07):
Yeah, and so that's why I'm like, honestly, I send
this to somebody else, and I laugh when I think
about it, and I laugh when I.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
Say it because I'm sorry, and it's gonna sound bad,
and I know it does. It sounds bad.
Speaker 5 (42:27):
But I would love for my daughter to come home
and be the navy, like like, I just need her
to come home and do all the things that I
can't do, you know what I mean, Like I want
her to be the transportation. I want her to take
her to gymnas. I don't even need it a paperwork,
you know what I mean. I just want I want
her to be that person like of course she's mom,
(42:52):
you know what I mean, but as we are rebuilding
that relationship, I need her to be that person that
does all of the things, no questions answer, Like whatever
Eva has going on, whatever activity she has going on,
taking up to school, everything, I need her to be
(43:14):
that person.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
That's that's what I That's what I need. That's that's
what I need. I need that before she hit these
because it's like I don't.
Speaker 9 (43:27):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (43:27):
And that's why I said I'm still figuring it out, y'all.
I am, because this. This is it's hard.
Speaker 5 (43:33):
It's hard to it's hard to change the dynamics. Oh
we felt, yes, well it's gonna come back, all right, Yeah,
but it's hard to change the dynamic when you've been
doing this for like six years, you know. And so
I would want her to come back, And obviously I
(43:57):
want them to bond and forde their relationship and do
all the things.
Speaker 9 (44:02):
I just.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
Piggybacking off what you just said. I'm prayful and hopeful
that when my son, light bulb comes on, because daughters
are so different with their dad.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
Even though my grandson is proven he don't hit the
way that he feels and the way he looks at
his father, but his.
Speaker 3 (44:28):
Daughter, you know, it's totally different.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
So when that lightbulb kick on, and only thing matters
is them that love for her dad, Oh my gosh,
it's it's gonna be bananas. And I hope that he
is able to feed and feester that relationship with her.
Speaker 3 (44:49):
Does he come around also or right now?
Speaker 2 (44:51):
He is getting help right now, But when he is here,
you know, I don't, you don't know, but it's a.
Speaker 3 (44:57):
Hidden miss when you're when you're a antic as.
Speaker 5 (45:01):
A parent, who do I mean, I don't know your son,
but I live but I live with but I got
addicted parents.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Yeah, okay, when you know, yeah, you know the hit miss.
It's a hidden miss. But kids still long for that relationship.
I don't care if they didn't see their parent on
the street.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
They still long for that that relationship for the parent.
But when you are a.
Speaker 2 (45:21):
Full on parent and you are a father to a daughter,
the relationship is just like that. The daughter is so
in love with the dad. Because I was in love
with my father, I was like, my mother couldn't tell
me nothing about that.
Speaker 4 (45:37):
Man, even.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Every weekend, like what are you coming? And my mother
she couldn't tell me nothing about that about the man.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
And too, I became an adult and understood, like, oh,
this is what she was talking about, this is what.
Speaker 3 (45:52):
She's talking about. So if I didn't talk to you
for ten years, I didn't, I didn't care, but I
knew when I did talk to him, that was my daddy.
That was my father, and at the.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
End of his life, because he's he passed on the
day I found out my DNA was ninety nine point
nine nine.
Speaker 5 (46:06):
My father.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
Before look, I know, day on September thirteenth, my father
transition this year. I'm on that day my DNA results
came in from.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
The biological about that that man was my father ninety
nine point nine?
Speaker 3 (46:26):
Wait, how what?
Speaker 9 (46:27):
What major do this.
Speaker 4 (46:34):
Believe?
Speaker 2 (46:35):
Because if they called me and I thought it was
a telemarker, my husband can attested this.
Speaker 3 (46:39):
I'm talking to the baby she's now my niece, and
I'm like, are you sure this?
Speaker 2 (46:45):
She didn't know how to say much. My name is
a Prollo and she was trying to say it. I'm like,
I thought it was a telling tomorrow. I was like, yeah,
this is she's speaking.
Speaker 3 (46:52):
How can I help you? She said, well, my name
is Casey and I think you might be my aunt
meet me and then only child. I'm like, how can
I be your aunt? I don't have no sublings, how
can I be? What is this information come from? My
mom is.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Telling me that she been telling sorry, she's been telling me.
She has a sister in California and my grandpa David.
And when she said that name, I just started laughing
and d or yohy.
Speaker 3 (47:22):
So my human like what are you doing laughing over
there with the telemarketer? So I did a twenty three.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
Well, my husband did a twenty three and me on
all of our kids, me and him and the kids,
and my DNA results two years ago, right about two years.
Speaker 3 (47:36):
Ago, didn't come back as my name my father. I'm like, what,
why is it coming up? This Hicks, This Hicks is Hick.
I'm like, what is this? I didn't know?
Speaker 2 (47:46):
So push forward ward two years I get this phone
call and they'say, your mom was married to my grandpa.
Speaker 3 (47:55):
I'm like, how the man gets on up? They called
the man, We FaceTime and everything. Yeah, I was married
to your mom. You didn't know she was married?
Speaker 4 (48:06):
No, No, I did not know.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
My mom was married to this man for a year
and a half. Well, I'm telling my mom business.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
She's not here. So this is the story. So my
mom and my dad whenever I say my dad, I'm
talking about my dad was together.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
She left my father and went to Arkansas, where she
was born, and she started dating this this gentleman named David,
and she married him.
Speaker 3 (48:35):
So she was finished with David. She's like, I'm done
with you. I'm going back home. So she came back
home to my dad, and my dad and her was together.
She was in the hospital and I was born. My
dad was there and everything so pushed forward.
Speaker 2 (48:52):
She my mom must have came back pregnant. Basically, yeah,
she must have came back pregnant. And my dad was like, hey,
this's mine and it don't.
Speaker 3 (49:00):
Even matter who is mine.
Speaker 2 (49:02):
So they called me on my father's birthday. All my
dad's birthday, August nineteenth.
Speaker 3 (49:08):
It is my father's birthday.
Speaker 2 (49:09):
I got this walk home's birthday September thirteenth, my father transition,
and I told her before I get too invested with
all this information y'all giving me, I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (49:19):
Need to get the DNA tests.
Speaker 4 (49:20):
What can we do it?
Speaker 3 (49:21):
So the sister, one of my other sisters found the
DNA place. Mind you, my sister worked for the government.
Decide they found me. She worked for the government and.
Speaker 2 (49:30):
She was too afraid to call, so she gave the baby,
which is sixteen the numbers that you call WO So.
Speaker 3 (49:37):
They called and the information that they gave that she
got was proven. She works for the government.
Speaker 2 (49:42):
So she knew the bookstore, she knew my husband, she
knew everything. Wow, she knew everything. So the DNA said, look,
look can I get the DNA. So she found the
place we all swabbed. I video everything.
Speaker 3 (49:55):
We swabbed.
Speaker 2 (49:56):
I swabbed me, they swabbed the dad, and they swabbed
the sisters, and everybody was like, oh, we can't wait,
mind you. We did this on a Thursday.
Speaker 3 (50:05):
We had to wait Friday, the weekend they don't work,
and Monday, so we had to wait. Holler. So I'm
at thirteenth look on your email. My phone was blowing up.
Should check my email check up and it said ninety
nine for nine nine percent. This man to my father. Wow,
(50:25):
I still don't believe it, though I call the people,
Is this right? Mind you?
Speaker 2 (50:32):
I'm a nurse by tray. I knew it was right,
but I just wasn't. I'm like, this is unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (50:38):
But I told I told my my sister friend to
sit here. So I'm so grateful that my dad has passed.
But I was grateful, Yeah, but I'm grateful that he had.
Speaker 2 (50:50):
He transitioned knowing that I knew that he was my father.
He didn't have to answer to any of the questions
that I have. So I'm so grateful for for that.
We've only gone to Texas and seeing these people, and
I was fighting with myself.
Speaker 3 (51:06):
Like am I betraying my mother by doing this, I
was fighting. I'm like, if she didn't want me to know,
she mustn't want me to know. Fifty years later and
my mother has a twin sister, and she kept it
and I needed I need a friend like her. I
need a sister like her, because it wasn't her job
to tell me anything. My mother told you, don't say anything.
(51:26):
If she tell you, don't say anything. That's what she meant.
Take it to your grave. Don't say anything. Let it
come out when it needs to come out.
Speaker 2 (51:33):
When I finally told my aunt about the dnabris else,
she said, thank you, I'm released.
Speaker 3 (51:38):
Oh wow, thank you, I'm released.
Speaker 7 (51:43):
So I'm grateful for my aunt, my mom, twin sister,
sister the way in No, she passed on five years ago,
so that's why I said, she's not here all too
except by deny information.
Speaker 3 (52:00):
Yeah, I am the oldest. You've been the oldest and
grew up the only child that is crazy, the only child.
I was getting saying. That's a whole other story within
itself going into that. But I actruly enjoyed our conversations.
Speaker 2 (52:22):
This for me.
Speaker 3 (52:29):
Make sure you pick it up.
Speaker 4 (52:37):
All right.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
Good night, guys, Thanks for listening to Malik's Bookshelf with
topics on the shelf, our books, culture and community.
Speaker 4 (52:48):
Be sure to subscribe and leave me a review. Check
out my Instagram at Malak Books. See you next time.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!