November 11, 2021 • 19 mins
Everyone's favorite therapist Soco joins Tanya to help with a letter from a fan who has the age-old question: is it a spouse's responsibility to help you get your credit and financial history in order?
Soco is a licensed clinical social worker who received her Masters Degree from UC Berkeley and is the owner of Soco Rey Therapy.
Tanya and Soco talk about relationships, premarital counseling, pre genetic screening, being vulnerable with partners, relationship with money, and whether or not to run a partner's credit.
Lets see what Tanya and Soco have to say about that.
Host IG: @itstanyatime
Guest IG: @yourfavoritetherapist
Learn more about Soco Rey's therapy at: https://www.socorey.com/
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're marrying their financial circumstances and habits as well, and
in failing to realize this is where troubles sometimes starts.
So what happens when your spouse seems unwilling to help
you get your financial history and credit right? Is it
his or her obligation as your spouse or are we
all on our own when it comes to the credit bureaus.
(00:22):
In this letter that I'm about to share with you, guys,
I honestly think that there's a lot more going on
than just BIKO scores. But I don't want to jump
to conclusions without taking a second look. And to do that,
I have the perfect woman for the job. She is
a licensed clinical social worker who received her master's degree
from UC Berkeley and is the owner of Soco Ray Therapy.
(00:42):
Let's welcome back the one the only, Miss Soko Raino.
So Hi, socolcome back, welcome back having me? How are you?
It's always a pleasure for having you back. It's always
(01:04):
pleasure to be here. I'm doing well and you look
well well right back after your sister. Alright, Soco, So
we have another great letter for you and I to
sort of pass through. This came from one of our
money Moves audience members, and I'm just going to dive
right into it. Let's all right, dear money Moves. My
new husband and I just married a few months ago
(01:26):
and have been discussing getting a family home. He has
an absolutely amazing credit score, is great with money, and
has been extremely judicious in his life about spending and
his credit habits. I, on the other hand, not so much.
I have accumulated credit debt out of college that still
haunts me. I have several late payments from that and
other debt due to financial hardship, and have a very
(01:49):
limited available credit due to the closing of many cards
I once had. I've also had some hard injuries due
to a new car that I needed to purchase right
before we married, my old one broke down. I get it.
My credit report is whack. I've worked hard to settle
things in collections and pay off old debts. One thing
I can't do much about is my available credit. I
(02:09):
can't get approved for any more new cards, and also
there's that history of late payments. Here's where my husband
comes into play. I've asked him several times to add
me as an authorized user for some of his cards.
To increase my available credit and have more at play
to increase my percentage of on time payments. He has
flat out said no and is unwilling to discuss it.
(02:30):
He said, my credit scores don't matter to buy a
house because they'll look at his, But my credit score
matters to me, and he won't even do the bare
minimum to help me get that in order. This feels
really telling of the marriage I just entered into. Or
am I just overreacting? M got some kind of fun spicy? Right,
(02:51):
it is spicy. The first thing that comes to mind is, well,
it doesn't sound like they had very open and honest
conversations or realistic expectations of what finances and marriage would
look like for the two of them, right, So like
a very valuable resource would be premarital counseling that specifically
(03:11):
among other things, that just as finances. But then it
makes me think of that I forget to saying. I
feel like I've heard Grandma to say, like what you
love about someone and the thing what you hate? Right,
so this is clearly a woman who is financially irresponsible. Typically,
how you do one thing is how you do all things.
So I think it stays to assume that she's probably
(03:31):
kind of loose in her management of her life and
he is the opposite, so opposite the tract. So what
attracted her to him is the thing that is now
biding her in the but she feels but in fact,
and I think you'd agreed, Tanya, he financially speaking, is
making a wise It seems like he's making a wise
choice for the direction and foundation of the family because
(03:54):
by adding her on, I think he he reduces his
credit availability. Well, here's the thing, you know, I certainly
think if we look at this from the high level
perspective of this relationship, I'm like, are you guys just
having a financial conversation now after you got into this marriage,
because that definitely speaks to your point about premarital counseling
(04:15):
and it feels a little bit late. Um. Then that
brings me to this idea of like, whose responsibility is
it to sort of share this credit burden? And she
does seem very reckless. This is not a one time
thing where you know, something happened and her credit got
messed up. I don't know if it's his responsibility as
(04:35):
a spouse or the Perhaps I'm gonna genderize this and
say patriarch or the family to fix for that for her.
But I'm not sure I think I could advocate on
both sides. I agree with you. I don't think it's
his job either, and that when we typically take on
other's burdens and try to resolve their issues for them,
they don't grow. They don't we we disable their opportunity
(04:58):
for growth oka enabling. So I think that it's it's
actually something that she would benefit to work on, uh,
and he benefits by not allowing her in. But I'm
thinking like I think about the psyche though, and I'm
wondering if what attracted him to each other is that
she would need him and he would be needed and
he would be needed, right. I think that there's that
(05:20):
diamic and so this could be like a subconscious I
don't think it's evil or malicious, but it could be
a play on him keeping and maintaining and showing her
that you are here and I am here. Maybe that's subconscious.
I mean it also brings me to this idea of
you know, there's like this traditional idea of what marriage is.
(05:42):
This the mail as the protector, he is going to
provide for the family, that's his job, and he knows
who he's married. But he at the same time is like,
my credit will get us this house, we will live
happily ever after, but I am not going to take
on your financial burdens. Meanwhile, she's also asking for sort
of more than he's willing to give. I think, yeah,
(06:06):
And I think he's probably asking her to grow up
a little bit six this on your own. Yeah, and
if she sees that as an opportunity for that, if
she sees it as like it's kind of like tough love,
because she can interpret it as test love and not
as him departing from the relationship or not wanting to
support her. And you know, I think that her interpretation
of it has a lot to do with her own
(06:27):
shame about it. I know that I had had credit
card debt, and you feel like you're less fan right,
like you're always behind you, Like what I buy really
isn't mine. I think you probably had multiple encounters where
she just increased her feelings of not enoughness because of
credit and so he's highlighting that for her right now.
So I think she's gonna have to really face this
and this is her challenge, maybe not his. What's also
(06:50):
interesting about this is I wonder if she really knows
what she's asking for, because let's say they did decide
to like combine their credit, that would give her the
ability to improve hers. But I think he would also
have a lot more control over it, Like he might
start really cracking the whip, saying do this, do this,
do this, do this, so that he can protect his credit.
And I'm not sure she would like that. You know,
(07:11):
she thinks she's got to fix it on her own.
But is he entitled then to sort of dominate that
aspect of her life and her finances because his credit
is at risk. That's a good point that by asking
for help, you lose your agency. That's not always a rule,
but I think in this situation that's that's what she
stands to lose. Interesting. Um, all right, And so I
(07:35):
know a lot of this is actually speculation because we've
never met these people. But what other things do you
think haven't been disclosed here, um, either by the woman
or the husband, that we haven't even really heard a
voice for. We just know he shut it down. You know,
this might be digging too deep, but maybe way more fun.
(07:58):
I think that women are black women I'll speak from
that stance. Maybe all women are afraid to say, I'm
actually in this relationship because you provide for me what
I have yet to be able to provide for myself.
You bring me protection, you bring me foundation, you bring
me security. We think that if we say that that
(08:19):
we're admitting weakness, but it's like, no, you're admitting a
part of humanity. This is why we partner because we
can't be all things. I think that she she hasn't
yet addressed that within herself and can't bring that to him.
Um and and this is like the I wish people
would do that because when you bring someone your weakness,
your vulnerability, oh, it's like expansive and loving and then
(08:42):
everyone that excels from that point. Yeah, but it's hard.
It's hard to admit those vulnerabilities, and especially I'm glad
you mentioned it in the black in the black community
and for black women because for such a long time
they've had to be the matriarchs and support families, often single,
and then you know, when they get the opportunity to
join forces, it's hard to let go of that. It's
(09:02):
it's it's hard, even though it's it's kind of nice.
To sometimes surrender and be taken care of. We think
that that losing power, but that restores. Not to say
we should all stop working when we get married, but
there's benefit and rest sisters, Yeah, there's absolutely benefit and rest. Um.
Excuse me, um, let me see what else do we
go on here? Said my credit core doesn't matter? Um,
(09:26):
maybe let's touch on so co. I want to touch
on the one part in this letter where she said
he won't even do the bare minimum to help me
and he won't even discuss it. Can you give us
some you know, tips that you've seen in your practice
on being able to have those tough conversations when your
partners just like, I'm not talking about it? Whoop? Okay? Um.
(09:51):
Have I seen something like this come up regarding money?
Not yet, But I think that's something we have to
accept in life and in partnership, because that's where life
is really magnified for us, is that we we people
are always going to want to communicate through things, and
we are going to be pushed to maintain our own
(10:12):
integrity and to remain loving anyway. So I think that
this might be a love challenge, right, like a true
this is partnership is saying I'm going to be solid
and support you even though you're not leaning in my
direction on this one. And I'm going to also understand
that there there might be a time where I don't
(10:32):
lean and then I've shown you how to love through
it and you show you show it back. So I
see it as like an energetic exchange. Actually, unless someone
wants to go to therapy with you, it doesn't sound
me like this guy does. I don't really know. I
don't really know, and I haven't I've learned it not
by beating a dead horse. Do you get someone to
(10:52):
talk about it? So I would say layoff of that.
But I think that when we open and when we
love through things, people kind of acquiesced to our wishes. Yeah, okay,
so you have been you are everybody's therapists. Um, And
we talked a little bit here about pre marital counseling,
and I think you know, finance is one of the
things that can either make or break a relationship. Do
(11:15):
you think that before you get into a long term
race relationship, you have the right to ask to run
your partner's credit. Run the credit though that's tricky. I mean,
if you're looking into living in the United States in
a decent condition, I can understand the want for that.
(11:38):
Now that could come across as very controlling and untrusting.
Um I would have questions about the trust in the
relationship if that was something that was being asked. What
seems more appropriate is like, what does money mean to you?
What's your relationship to money, what's your history with money,
what do you think it's here for, how do you
believe will use it? What are your thoughts on spending
(12:00):
those kinds of conversations Are you guys getting all because
those were gems, all of them? UM? The credit score?
You know? Okay, Look, I'm going to bring in like
a parallel experience I've had in therapy. UM, I've had
a couple African American, one partner's African American, one partner's
first generation Nigerian American, and and I forget with the tribe.
(12:26):
But his parents A didn't want him with her because
she was from a single mother and that's the thing,
and also because they needed to first have her blood
tests run to make sure if she didn't have any
like blood issues. But I don't know, it's like before
what is it before pro creating? Um? So that's a
(12:48):
tough question to ask. Yeah, like are you good enough genetically?
It's like what if I do have a bad chromosome,
Like you're messing with nature because I'm with this man
and love him and great. But you know, she eventually
took the test because she really wanted to marry him
and understood the importance of family to him. So I
(13:10):
think that we can like overlay that with this one
and say that it might seem outlandish if this is
your partner and you want to work with them, and
you don't always want to do what you want to do,
but you want to do what's good for the couple,
the pair, then you say yes anyway, no matter howful
is you think it is right you compromise in the
name of love. Absolutely so fun fact, Um, my first
(13:34):
undergraduate degree was in genetics and cell biology, so I
did a lot of research in UM a lab in
Canada for genetic testing and yeah, so I basically ran
in this world of pre genetic testing amongst families, specifically
in the Jewish community and Black community. So it is
a real thing, um, and I probably have very liberal
(13:56):
views on that as well, but it's a huge, huge
you for a lot of couples. So wait, so this
isn't just the Nigerian thing. There are there's not a
great example in the black communities. UM sickle cell can
be a really devastating disease to have. So if you
are doing pre genetic screening, you want if you and
(14:18):
if you probably know you carry the sickle cell traite.
There's oftentimes people will do it. And in the Jewish
community um Ashkenazi dos have a lot of UM specific
genetic traits that are passed on, so they commonly do
UM genetic testing as well. Yeah. Wow, but it's tough
if someone shows up and they're like, hey, by the way,
I mean, it's hard enough to ask someone for an
STD test. Now you're right, you're asking for your genetic
(14:40):
test and your credit score. That's a lot. That's the
first date. It's a lot of test alright. So co
I need your advice on this part. So what do
you suggest the partner should do if they are asked
for their FICO score. I think the partner who's asked
for their FICO score should first sit with what comes
(15:00):
up for them when they were asked for The fight
goes for why does it bother you? Think that your
partner is trying to screen you out. Do you think
that finances maybe too much of a defining feature for
your partner? Do you worry that you're not enough because
your Fight Go score isn't enough? And when you bring
(15:21):
that to your partner, you say, you know what, Actually,
I've hopen to doing what you ask. Here's why, here's
what came up for me when you asked, and put
it on a plate. Then the partner can actually say like, no,
it's not that, or the partner might say like, oh, ish,
it is that I am judging you based off of
your money, right, because this is about love not money,
(15:43):
So maybe I need to revisit. So when you say
what comes up for you, you give the other person
an opportunity to play with what is going on and
come to some sort of resolution understanding at least. And
this is why we pay you the big bucks as
the therapist, because that was perfect. Perfect. Um. I do
have one question for you. If we revisit the last
line of this of this letter, it says, this feels
(16:06):
really telling of the marriage I just entered into. Or
am I overreacting? Is this woman overreacting? And is this
indicative of perhaps some future cracks in their relationship. Can
we generalize that in this letter. I like to take
life day by day because that is peace and so,
(16:27):
and I also like to remember that when I'm in
a relationship, I am not subject to one person's power
and control. I am a co collaborator. So this I
have to be careful what I asked myself or tell
myself about the relationship, because what I believe about it
will be So I may say that this is one
circumstance where I'm seeing my husband exercise more power and
(16:49):
less understanding than I'd like, and I set the intention
to be more understanding with him, to generate the energy
in this relationship to be one of understanding. Let me
tell something on like a This isn't therapy, but it
kind of is on a spiritual level. I do believe
that women create energy. We aren't. We give life, and
(17:09):
so sometimes we have to set the tone, set the pace,
and not be reactive and not go into deep dark coals.
And one thing happened eight team more will because we'll
spind the relationship in the partnership down with us. So
we have to be really careful how we react and
work hard to learn how to keep our own balance
so one thing doesn't throw us left. I think that's
great advice, and I think you know it's therapy sputuality,
(17:32):
but it's also just being um intentional and cognizant that
your mind and your words have power. So the more
and more you repeat this, the more and more you're
going to create that existence into your life. And so
just being aware of that and being able to step
outside of yourself and sort of look at what the
situations and circumstances that you're creating in your own internal
monkey mind, well said, you nailed it. Yes, alright, so
(17:57):
go Thank you so much for tuning in today and
dropping all all your wisdom and wise words. I think
more than anything else, we have realized that before you
tie the knot, you better make sure your financial philosophies
match up. Thanks again for coming through and setting some
light on a complicated subject. You're so welcome. Thanks again, Soko,
(18:18):
always a pleasure, CanYa, and to my Money Moves family,
thank you for being here with us on the Money
Moves Podcast powered by Greenwood. We've got an exciting guest
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let's take a look at what might miss out on
(18:38):
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(18:59):
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You're marrying their financial circumstances and habits as well, and
in failing to realize this is where troubles sometimes starts.
So what happens when your spouse seems unwilling to help
you get your financial history and credit right? Is it
his or her obligation as your spouse or are we
all on our own when it comes to the credit bureaus.
(00:22):
In this letter that I'm about to share with you, guys,
I honestly think that there's a lot more going on
than just BIKO scores. But I don't want to jump
to conclusions without taking a second look. And to do that,
I have the perfect woman for the job. She is
a licensed clinical social worker who received her master's degree
from UC Berkeley and is the owner of Soco Ray Therapy.
(00:42):
Let's welcome back the one the only, Miss Soko Raino.
So Hi, socolcome back, welcome back having me? How are you?
It's always a pleasure for having you back. It's always
(01:04):
pleasure to be here. I'm doing well and you look
well well right back after your sister. Alright, Soco, So
we have another great letter for you and I to
sort of pass through. This came from one of our
money Moves audience members, and I'm just going to dive
right into it. Let's all right, dear money Moves. My
new husband and I just married a few months ago
(01:26):
and have been discussing getting a family home. He has
an absolutely amazing credit score, is great with money, and
has been extremely judicious in his life about spending and
his credit habits. I, on the other hand, not so much.
I have accumulated credit debt out of college that still
haunts me. I have several late payments from that and
other debt due to financial hardship, and have a very
(01:49):
limited available credit due to the closing of many cards
I once had. I've also had some hard injuries due
to a new car that I needed to purchase right
before we married, my old one broke down. I get it.
My credit report is whack. I've worked hard to settle
things in collections and pay off old debts. One thing
I can't do much about is my available credit. I
(02:09):
can't get approved for any more new cards, and also
there's that history of late payments. Here's where my husband
comes into play. I've asked him several times to add
me as an authorized user for some of his cards.
To increase my available credit and have more at play
to increase my percentage of on time payments. He has
flat out said no and is unwilling to discuss it.
(02:30):
He said, my credit scores don't matter to buy a
house because they'll look at his, But my credit score
matters to me, and he won't even do the bare
minimum to help me get that in order. This feels
really telling of the marriage I just entered into. Or
am I just overreacting? M got some kind of fun spicy? Right,
(02:51):
it is spicy. The first thing that comes to mind is, well,
it doesn't sound like they had very open and honest
conversations or realistic expectations of what finances and marriage would
look like for the two of them, right, So like
a very valuable resource would be premarital counseling that specifically
(03:11):
among other things, that just as finances. But then it
makes me think of that I forget to saying. I
feel like I've heard Grandma to say, like what you
love about someone and the thing what you hate? Right,
so this is clearly a woman who is financially irresponsible. Typically,
how you do one thing is how you do all things.
So I think it stays to assume that she's probably
(03:31):
kind of loose in her management of her life and
he is the opposite, so opposite the tract. So what
attracted her to him is the thing that is now
biding her in the but she feels but in fact,
and I think you'd agreed, Tanya, he financially speaking, is
making a wise It seems like he's making a wise
choice for the direction and foundation of the family because
(03:54):
by adding her on, I think he he reduces his
credit availability. Well, here's the thing, you know, I certainly
think if we look at this from the high level
perspective of this relationship, I'm like, are you guys just
having a financial conversation now after you got into this marriage,
because that definitely speaks to your point about premarital counseling
(04:15):
and it feels a little bit late. Um. Then that
brings me to this idea of like, whose responsibility is
it to sort of share this credit burden? And she
does seem very reckless. This is not a one time
thing where you know, something happened and her credit got
messed up. I don't know if it's his responsibility as
(04:35):
a spouse or the Perhaps I'm gonna genderize this and
say patriarch or the family to fix for that for her.
But I'm not sure I think I could advocate on
both sides. I agree with you. I don't think it's
his job either, and that when we typically take on
other's burdens and try to resolve their issues for them,
they don't grow. They don't we we disable their opportunity
(04:58):
for growth oka enabling. So I think that it's it's
actually something that she would benefit to work on, uh,
and he benefits by not allowing her in. But I'm
thinking like I think about the psyche though, and I'm
wondering if what attracted him to each other is that
she would need him and he would be needed and
he would be needed, right. I think that there's that
(05:20):
diamic and so this could be like a subconscious I
don't think it's evil or malicious, but it could be
a play on him keeping and maintaining and showing her
that you are here and I am here. Maybe that's subconscious.
I mean it also brings me to this idea of
you know, there's like this traditional idea of what marriage is.
(05:42):
This the mail as the protector, he is going to
provide for the family, that's his job, and he knows
who he's married. But he at the same time is like,
my credit will get us this house, we will live
happily ever after, but I am not going to take
on your financial burdens. Meanwhile, she's also asking for sort
of more than he's willing to give. I think, yeah,
(06:06):
And I think he's probably asking her to grow up
a little bit six this on your own. Yeah, and
if she sees that as an opportunity for that, if
she sees it as like it's kind of like tough love,
because she can interpret it as test love and not
as him departing from the relationship or not wanting to
support her. And you know, I think that her interpretation
of it has a lot to do with her own
(06:27):
shame about it. I know that I had had credit
card debt, and you feel like you're less fan right,
like you're always behind you, Like what I buy really
isn't mine. I think you probably had multiple encounters where
she just increased her feelings of not enoughness because of
credit and so he's highlighting that for her right now.
So I think she's gonna have to really face this
and this is her challenge, maybe not his. What's also
(06:50):
interesting about this is I wonder if she really knows
what she's asking for, because let's say they did decide
to like combine their credit, that would give her the
ability to improve hers. But I think he would also
have a lot more control over it, Like he might
start really cracking the whip, saying do this, do this,
do this, do this, so that he can protect his credit.
And I'm not sure she would like that. You know,
(07:11):
she thinks she's got to fix it on her own.
But is he entitled then to sort of dominate that
aspect of her life and her finances because his credit
is at risk. That's a good point that by asking
for help, you lose your agency. That's not always a rule,
but I think in this situation that's that's what she
stands to lose. Interesting. Um, all right, And so I
(07:35):
know a lot of this is actually speculation because we've
never met these people. But what other things do you
think haven't been disclosed here, um, either by the woman
or the husband, that we haven't even really heard a
voice for. We just know he shut it down. You know,
this might be digging too deep, but maybe way more fun.
(07:58):
I think that women are black women I'll speak from
that stance. Maybe all women are afraid to say, I'm
actually in this relationship because you provide for me what
I have yet to be able to provide for myself.
You bring me protection, you bring me foundation, you bring
me security. We think that if we say that that
(08:19):
we're admitting weakness, but it's like, no, you're admitting a
part of humanity. This is why we partner because we
can't be all things. I think that she she hasn't
yet addressed that within herself and can't bring that to him.
Um and and this is like the I wish people
would do that because when you bring someone your weakness,
your vulnerability, oh, it's like expansive and loving and then
(08:42):
everyone that excels from that point. Yeah, but it's hard.
It's hard to admit those vulnerabilities, and especially I'm glad
you mentioned it in the black in the black community
and for black women because for such a long time
they've had to be the matriarchs and support families, often single,
and then you know, when they get the opportunity to
join forces, it's hard to let go of that. It's
(09:02):
it's it's hard, even though it's it's kind of nice.
To sometimes surrender and be taken care of. We think
that that losing power, but that restores. Not to say
we should all stop working when we get married, but
there's benefit and rest sisters, Yeah, there's absolutely benefit and rest. Um.
Excuse me, um, let me see what else do we
go on here? Said my credit core doesn't matter? Um,
(09:26):
maybe let's touch on so co. I want to touch
on the one part in this letter where she said
he won't even do the bare minimum to help me
and he won't even discuss it. Can you give us
some you know, tips that you've seen in your practice
on being able to have those tough conversations when your
partners just like, I'm not talking about it? Whoop? Okay? Um.
(09:51):
Have I seen something like this come up regarding money?
Not yet, But I think that's something we have to
accept in life and in partnership, because that's where life
is really magnified for us, is that we we people
are always going to want to communicate through things, and
we are going to be pushed to maintain our own
(10:12):
integrity and to remain loving anyway. So I think that
this might be a love challenge, right, like a true
this is partnership is saying I'm going to be solid
and support you even though you're not leaning in my
direction on this one. And I'm going to also understand
that there there might be a time where I don't
(10:32):
lean and then I've shown you how to love through
it and you show you show it back. So I
see it as like an energetic exchange. Actually, unless someone
wants to go to therapy with you, it doesn't sound
me like this guy does. I don't really know. I
don't really know, and I haven't I've learned it not
by beating a dead horse. Do you get someone to
(10:52):
talk about it? So I would say layoff of that.
But I think that when we open and when we
love through things, people kind of acquiesced to our wishes. Yeah, okay,
so you have been you are everybody's therapists. Um, And
we talked a little bit here about pre marital counseling,
and I think you know, finance is one of the
things that can either make or break a relationship. Do
(11:15):
you think that before you get into a long term
race relationship, you have the right to ask to run
your partner's credit. Run the credit though that's tricky. I mean,
if you're looking into living in the United States in
a decent condition, I can understand the want for that.
(11:38):
Now that could come across as very controlling and untrusting.
Um I would have questions about the trust in the
relationship if that was something that was being asked. What
seems more appropriate is like, what does money mean to you?
What's your relationship to money, what's your history with money,
what do you think it's here for, how do you
believe will use it? What are your thoughts on spending
(12:00):
those kinds of conversations Are you guys getting all because
those were gems, all of them? UM? The credit score?
You know? Okay, Look, I'm going to bring in like
a parallel experience I've had in therapy. UM, I've had
a couple African American, one partner's African American, one partner's
first generation Nigerian American, and and I forget with the tribe.
(12:26):
But his parents A didn't want him with her because
she was from a single mother and that's the thing,
and also because they needed to first have her blood
tests run to make sure if she didn't have any
like blood issues. But I don't know, it's like before
what is it before pro creating? Um? So that's a
(12:48):
tough question to ask. Yeah, like are you good enough genetically?
It's like what if I do have a bad chromosome,
Like you're messing with nature because I'm with this man
and love him and great. But you know, she eventually
took the test because she really wanted to marry him
and understood the importance of family to him. So I
(13:10):
think that we can like overlay that with this one
and say that it might seem outlandish if this is
your partner and you want to work with them, and
you don't always want to do what you want to do,
but you want to do what's good for the couple,
the pair, then you say yes anyway, no matter howful
is you think it is right you compromise in the
name of love. Absolutely so fun fact, Um, my first
(13:34):
undergraduate degree was in genetics and cell biology, so I
did a lot of research in UM a lab in
Canada for genetic testing and yeah, so I basically ran
in this world of pre genetic testing amongst families, specifically
in the Jewish community and Black community. So it is
a real thing, um, and I probably have very liberal
(13:56):
views on that as well, but it's a huge, huge
you for a lot of couples. So wait, so this
isn't just the Nigerian thing. There are there's not a
great example in the black communities. UM sickle cell can
be a really devastating disease to have. So if you
are doing pre genetic screening, you want if you and
(14:18):
if you probably know you carry the sickle cell traite.
There's oftentimes people will do it. And in the Jewish
community um Ashkenazi dos have a lot of UM specific
genetic traits that are passed on, so they commonly do
UM genetic testing as well. Yeah. Wow, but it's tough
if someone shows up and they're like, hey, by the way,
I mean, it's hard enough to ask someone for an
STD test. Now you're right, you're asking for your genetic
(14:40):
test and your credit score. That's a lot. That's the
first date. It's a lot of test alright. So co
I need your advice on this part. So what do
you suggest the partner should do if they are asked
for their FICO score. I think the partner who's asked
for their FICO score should first sit with what comes
(15:00):
up for them when they were asked for The fight
goes for why does it bother you? Think that your
partner is trying to screen you out. Do you think
that finances maybe too much of a defining feature for
your partner? Do you worry that you're not enough because
your Fight Go score isn't enough? And when you bring
(15:21):
that to your partner, you say, you know what, Actually,
I've hopen to doing what you ask. Here's why, here's
what came up for me when you asked, and put
it on a plate. Then the partner can actually say like, no,
it's not that, or the partner might say like, oh, ish,
it is that I am judging you based off of
your money, right, because this is about love not money,
(15:43):
So maybe I need to revisit. So when you say
what comes up for you, you give the other person
an opportunity to play with what is going on and
come to some sort of resolution understanding at least. And
this is why we pay you the big bucks as
the therapist, because that was perfect. Perfect. Um. I do
have one question for you. If we revisit the last
line of this of this letter, it says, this feels
(16:06):
really telling of the marriage I just entered into. Or
am I overreacting? Is this woman overreacting? And is this
indicative of perhaps some future cracks in their relationship. Can
we generalize that in this letter. I like to take
life day by day because that is peace and so,
(16:27):
and I also like to remember that when I'm in
a relationship, I am not subject to one person's power
and control. I am a co collaborator. So this I
have to be careful what I asked myself or tell
myself about the relationship, because what I believe about it
will be So I may say that this is one
circumstance where I'm seeing my husband exercise more power and
(16:49):
less understanding than I'd like, and I set the intention
to be more understanding with him, to generate the energy
in this relationship to be one of understanding. Let me
tell something on like a This isn't therapy, but it
kind of is on a spiritual level. I do believe
that women create energy. We aren't. We give life, and
(17:09):
so sometimes we have to set the tone, set the pace,
and not be reactive and not go into deep dark coals.
And one thing happened eight team more will because we'll
spind the relationship in the partnership down with us. So
we have to be really careful how we react and
work hard to learn how to keep our own balance
so one thing doesn't throw us left. I think that's
great advice, and I think you know it's therapy sputuality,
(17:32):
but it's also just being um intentional and cognizant that
your mind and your words have power. So the more
and more you repeat this, the more and more you're
going to create that existence into your life. And so
just being aware of that and being able to step
outside of yourself and sort of look at what the
situations and circumstances that you're creating in your own internal
monkey mind, well said, you nailed it. Yes, alright, so
(17:57):
go Thank you so much for tuning in today and
dropping all all your wisdom and wise words. I think
more than anything else, we have realized that before you
tie the knot, you better make sure your financial philosophies
match up. Thanks again for coming through and setting some
light on a complicated subject. You're so welcome. Thanks again, Soko,
(18:18):
always a pleasure, CanYa, and to my Money Moves family,
thank you for being here with us on the Money
Moves Podcast powered by Greenwood. We've got an exciting guest
joining us next that's ready to drop some deep thoughts
on us so make sure you keep it locked. And
let's take a look at what might miss out on
(18:38):
a celebrity guest. You won't want to miss the beautiful,
amazing and wildly talented Mika King. Somebody will always be
a producer, Always will be a producer to try to
get into payent. The cast set out is real Money.
Moves is an I heart Radio podcast powered by Greenwood
Executive produced by Sunwise Media, Inc. For more podcast on
(18:59):
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