Money V Moves: Money & Relationships

Soco and Tanya discuss how to have healthy conversations about money in romantic relationships.

Host IG:@itstanyatime

Guest IG: @yourfavoritetherapist

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey money Movers, Welcome back to Money Moves, the daily
podcast determined to give you the key to the Kingdom
of financial stability, wealth and abundance. Hey money Movers, I'm
Tanya Sam and welcome to another episode of the Money

(00:22):
Moves podcast powered by Green One. Money Movers. Please allow
me to welcome licensed therapist and owner of Soco Ray Therapy,
everybody's favorite therapist, Soco renaults So to the podcast. Welcome back, Soco.
I'm so happy to be here Tanny and be reconnected.
Thanks for having me. I'm so happy to have you
here again. I love having you on the podcast and

(00:44):
I think these are some of my favorite episodes for sure.
So money Movers, as we kick off this episode with
our very own favorite therapist, Soco, we are featuring some
of the messages that come in from our fans because
we know how money can complicate relationships. But we've got
Soco here to walk us through it. So we have

(01:05):
a letter from Ali from Chicago, illinoiss. Are you ready
for this one? Soco? Let's do it awesome? Alright, So
money Movers, let me read Ali's letter. Dear money Movers,
both me and my husband work and make our own money,
but we can't agree on some key financial issues. He
thinks we should split the bills down the middle or

(01:26):
allocate them in some other fair and equitable manner. However,
and there's always a however, I think we should pool
all of our money to get the most financial value
for long term goals, such as buying a home or
securing our retirement. Plus, he works as a contractor, so
sometimes his portion falls on me because we just can't

(01:48):
tell when the money will come in. Anyway, how can
I convince him that one central pot of money is
the better way? Alright, Soco, we got a lot to
unpack there. We've got, you know, a husband and wife
team debating if they should keep their finances separate or
together for the greater good of their family. What do
you think? Okay? So the first like ding ding that

(02:10):
went off for me was when she mentioned that he
is her husband, is a contractor, and that she has
to carry some of the weight. So I'm always looking
like under the words, right under the surface, it sounds
like there's possibly some not I don't think she means
to be angry or she means to resent her husband,
the man she loves. But I think sometimes she probably

(02:30):
feels very burdened in challenge by having to carry. And
then I think what happens from there is when we
feel like we're the one doing the carrying, we think
we're the one that has more say in decisions. Oh
and stay in that place of power and control. It's she,
This woman is not evil. We all operate like this

(02:52):
all everyone listens, we're all manipulous. I'm just I'm just
highlighting how this is working. And I feel like that's
what's that's what's in the under stomach of all of this. Uh, control, control, control.
I mean, it's a tough thing because I think that
there's a lot of struggles around who makes the money

(03:12):
and does that afford you more power in a relationship?
And so what is the answer, like how do we
have these um disparities between who makes more money, who
gets more control and sort of who wears the pants
in in a relationship? And what is the ideal like
how should we be if we're going after that plationship? Yeah,

(03:32):
you know, I don't know if there's an ideal. Um,
it's hard to it's hard to say that, but I
do think that there's a lot of just like society
operating in the domain of love and relationships because money
is involved, right, And so I think that just the
relationship that we've made where we think who makes more
does run the show, that's in capitalism, right, We're gonna

(03:53):
have to get away from this, um. It's from identifying
more money equally more power, um and learn to see
it differently how I don't know, but something worth exploring.
I think for each person, for each of us. Okay,
so I want to talk a little bit more because
there's there's some words that sort of jump out to
me that are sort of triggers. She's like writing in
to ask us, how can convince him? Let's talk about

(04:16):
like communication styles. And I think oftentimes in relatives it's
hard for women to bring up these tough conversations about money,
no matter who the breadwinner is, Like, what are some
good ways to have open dialogue around communicating our needs
around finances and money? Because I think even like I
think for everybody, it's a tough conversation, it is a

(04:38):
tough one. I think that any difficult conversation hinges on
the level of intimacy that already exists in the relationship.
And I think there's always room to grow and become
more intimate. Um So I think that the first step
would be creating and nurturing a safe space for sharing
where I can come to you with the truth and
it not criticized. Give me some good hips or tricks

(05:01):
on how to start these open communication conversations. So for example,
you know, I feel like my days, you know, going
to therapy, etcetera. It's it's like the high level, it's
like start with I messages. Is there that equivalent for
money and finance conversations? Excellent question? Thank you for the
example that he help me understand a little better. So

(05:22):
the I statements are always a good idea, right, never
to make someone else feel like they are doing wrong,
but instead to open the door to others of your experience.
So I struggle because I want to always give a
quick fix and a quick answer. I do in my
own life my clients come to me, and also I'm
having this conversation with you. But I think that we
have to believe as women first that how we feel

(05:46):
is worth exploring. Is where time and attention and get
to the bottom of our feeling see what we are
caring from our own s. H I t or what
is actually our partners right, so that we can enter
the conversation by stating, like, Okay, this is my issue
with money and I know that, like I'm a little
weird with it when it comes to this, this and this,

(06:07):
and like I'm working on being better with it, and
I want us to be better with it together. When
you usually enter a conversation with like, I know I'm
not perfect, I'm trying to talk about why and how
this doesn't this is weird for me? Can you share?
And you kind of just like open that door for
that conversation hopefully peace. Yeah, yeah, and and what it okay?

(06:30):
So from the male's perspective, what I'm anticipating is that
a man is seeing a woman not defer, but slightly
show not weakness I have a hard time choosing all
these words, but show some sort of like looking for answers,
looking for help. And when we do that, when we
say like I don't have it all together and I
don't know, then people meet us with a little bit

(06:52):
more of an open heart. So um, I would say
that that's probably the path to some of these conversations.
I love it. I love it. Okay, I'm gonna flip
the script on us. Um, and I'm going to tuck
away my double d's here and pretend I have a
set of cajunas. Now I'm the guy, I am the
man in this relationship, and you know, sometimes I'm very

(07:14):
cognizant of the fact that, like any money, because my
income is unpredictable, because she said, I'm a contractor. So
I'm trying to like give him a little credit because
you know he might feel like this, Um, what's the
word usurps his like, uh, masculinity. So is it my

(07:35):
job as a field to sort of like stroke that ego?
Like how do I help him really understand that it's
about the greater good of our family and we don't care,
like we don't care about that stuff, or do we
care about that stuff. It's a tough conversation, guys. This

(07:57):
is this is therapy session. This is why I told
you so some of my favorite Money Moves episodes. Okay,
so that was a thank you for flipping that, because
I think it is worth exploring, like him, his perspective
and also how she can best approach it, and um, yeah,
it is. It is an in way stroking ego. That's
one way to look at it, And another more gentler

(08:19):
way that we could convey it um is by the
sandwich technique. Teach us a little clients where you enter
a difficult conversation first with like validating, appreciating, honoring, respecting,
move into the meat of the topic, and then you
close again with like a generative statement or something that's
like brings it all together to thank them again. People

(08:40):
will listen when you show a little humility or if
you start with a compliment and it's not you're not
just like making shut up, right, Like this is real stuff.
So you would say, hey, I love the ambition that
you have demonstrated across the course of our relationship. You're
a contractor and that means you don't know when you're
gonna eat, you don't know what you're going to make money,
but you're trusting yourself and I respect that and I

(09:02):
see that at you, right, And then I also might say, like,
and I appreciate that you trust me enough to pick
up when you do fall. I think that that means
you trust me and I love that about our relationship. Right,
So just kind of like this is good stuff, a
little respect, and then say, well, look I'm struggling here.
Oh my gosh, that's good. I hope you guys are
taking notes, because I feel like that little phrase that

(09:25):
Soco just opened with, which is like the bread, you know,
whether it's gluten free, wheat bread, whatever, This like the
top of the sandwich. It's good, like you should you
should just say that to your partner in general today.
I guarantee you it'll get you some good meat. No, seriously,
that's good. That is good. That is really good. The
sandwich technique. That's what I'm talking about. Man. See, we're

(09:47):
saving relationships here, we're saving bank accounts. Soco, your genius.
You're you're brilliant. You keep coming with the questions that
helped me dig deeper. So thank you. So I'm still
so fascinated by this question. Have we left anything on
the table? Do you think we've successfully helped Ali and
her husband. I think there's always going to be more.
But there's a question you asked that I didn't answer

(10:09):
because I went off about something else, and it's about
splitting the bills. It sounds like she wants he wants
them to be split, and that's an issue for her.
So the assumption is she does not think they should
be split right down the middle, and how she thinks
it should be split, and where that idea came from, right, Like,
I don't Again, there's no ideal way to do anything,

(10:32):
Like we are our own people, living our own lives,
and you bring a couple together and that is its
own thing. But I think it's worth exploring why I
think it should be this way, if that's helpful, if
it's ego, or if it's love, and how I can
move closer to a more loving place. Those are questions. No,
I really like that because there's something about you know,

(10:53):
I think she's their money in one place. Maybe that
gives her more security, more comfort building together. It's always
an interesting question to me when things should be equitably,
like what does that mean? Like, because does that mean
that the house should be split? Equity? I washed one sock,
you wash another? What does I think? That's such a

(11:14):
great question. I have to think back because equitable means
equitable would mean yeah, if he's making thirty percent of
the income and she's making seventy, that he should give
thirty percent towards the build. Wouldn't that be equity that
I give the same share that it impacts me the
same share. Mm, so maybe that was her flavor. If

(11:34):
that's her flavor, I like her. I think that's she
wants the a pool of money understood, got it? So
now we understand why she has that issue because she's like,
I'm carrying more weight. Yes, yeah, as as the as
the genders, as females grow more and more in our
my empower, we're gonna have to deal more and more
with this of like, does our empowerment mean that we

(11:56):
will have to carry more financial weight? When that's uncomb
I feel like one, Sorry, I get so excited. I
just want to ramble because there's like so much good stuff,
but I feel like we can be so evolved in
one domain right in our liberation movement, and there's other
pieces that are like straggling behind. And I think that
money is want right, like we want and have and

(12:17):
do and can and I love that. And then there's
still some like old school stuff that I don't know
if we should do away with or should keep. But
I think we're all kind of struggling to figure it out.
So hang this and we might be going off the
cuff here, but I don't know if anyone out there
is seeing Ali Wong stand up comedy. Please go watch
it and one of the most It is the most

(12:39):
empower woman to watch. And I think, you know, I'm
not trying to genderize it, but it is. We're talking
about gender right now. If you watch it, do not
watch it with your partner because you need to be
a deep deep balley lap is so funny. I'll leave
it at that. But I think these are questions that
we're really going to have to explore, especially as black women,
you know, because I think there's a lot of different

(13:02):
weights that we carry within our family structures um as breadwinners,
um supporting family members, etcetera. And so what comes with that,
you know, what are the role changes, what are the
shifts in power that we're all going to have to undergo,
and how will that affect our relationship? Said Soco. Thank
you so much for tuning into this episode of Money

(13:23):
Moves with our favorite therapists, because we need tach of
these things. We need to explore it because we are
really creating the future for ourselves. Our daughters, are families, etcetera.
And these are questions that we need to talk about.
We can't sweep it under the rug. Anymore. Soko, thank
you so much for providing guidance to our Money Moves audience.
Can you let our audience know where they can reach
you and find you on social media? Yes, you all

(13:44):
can find me on Instagram at your favorite therapist. Why
oh you our favorite therapist. It's been so fun, Tianna.
Thanks for having me always a good time, and we
can't wait to have you back, Money Movers. Make sure
you follow Soco on all her social media handles for
all your mental health needs and honestly, she's just got
a great social media presence, so tune in and make

(14:05):
sure you follow her and keep those messages coming via
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(14:27):
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(14:50):
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