November 25, 2021 • 14 mins
Everyone's favorite therapist Soco joins Tanya to help with a letter from a fan who has the age-old question: is it a spouse's responsibility to help you get your credit and financial history in order?
Soco is a licensed clinical social worker who received her Masters Degree from UC Berkeley and is the owner of Soco Rey Therapy.
Tanya and Soco talk about Tanya and Soco talk about parent and child dynamics, stages of child development, and supporting your future entrepreneur.
Lets see what Tanya and Soco have to say about that.
Host IG: @itstanyatime
Guest IG: @yourfavoritetherapist
Learn more about Soco Rey's therapy at: https://www.socorey.com/
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey money Movers, Welcome back to Money Moves, the daily
podcast determined to give you the keys to the Kingdom
of financial stability, wealth and abundance. Hey money Movers, Welcome
back to Money Moves. We've been learning about entrepreneurship and
(00:22):
what it takes to be a business owner, but what
we haven't discussed is how difficult it can be when
it requires you to depend on someone else, and how
that may or may not affect the dynamics of a relationship.
To be honest, I'd prefer not to be the only
person weighing in here. I may know a few things,
but I'm no expert in family dynamics or relationships. But
I do know somebody who is. She is a licensed
(00:44):
clinical social worker who received her master's degree from UC
Berkeley and is the owner of Soko Ray Therapy. Let's
welcome back the one the only Miss Soko Ray. Hi, Soco, Hi, Kanya,
happy to be here with you today. I love having
you on here. Okay, So Soco welcome back. I'm really
(01:04):
excited for you to drop some gems and wisdom with
the rest of our Money Moves audience. I love this
money Versus Moves segment where you get to weigh in
on questions and comments and letters written in from our audience.
So SOCO today, I've got a mother's son conflict for you.
What happens when you feel like your child's dreams are
(01:27):
a little bit bigger than their current capabilities. How do
you nurture that relationship without breaking your own pockets? This
is sort of the high level intro to our letter today,
and I'm really excited to share it with you. Well,
this one sounds really tricky and interesting because I'm very
used to couples, but mother's son dynamics are a little different.
I'm excited to hear what the family has to say. Yeah,
(01:49):
this is an interesting one, but I think that it'll
resonate with a lot of our audience members at home.
So I'm going to read the letter. Bear with me
right now. Um, Dear money Moves. I am a single
mother to an amazing son who has always been super
creative and innovative. Even in elementary school, he was creating
(02:09):
new things for his friends. Now, going into a senior
year of high school, he came up with a pretty
unique business idea. Now it's not something that's necessarily time sensitive.
I mean it's something that people will always need. He
wants to get his business started right away, and while
I think it's great for young people to explore entrepreneurship,
(02:30):
his business will require overhead costs that neither he nor
I have the money for right now. So here's where
the dispute comes into play. Because he's only eighteen years
old and now going into a senior year of high school,
I'm encouraging him to put his plan on the back
burner and look at majoring in business in undergrad so
that he can figure out how to properly run his business.
(02:53):
He is adamant that he is not going to college
and that he knows how to run a business, and
that his pressuring me to help him take out a
business loan to get started is what he needs and
that's how I can support him. As a parent. I
believe in my son. I know he has lots of
natural savvy, grit and gumption and has studied things independently. However,
(03:15):
my hesitance to take out loans on his behalf is
straining our relationship. He now thinks I don't believe in
him as his mother. Am I holding him back by
not supporting the presence of his dreams. Soco, that's a lot.
It's a big one. It's a big one. Okay, So
(03:38):
give me your initial take on you know what the
real root of this problem is. I always ask you
what do you think the mom and son are really
asking for from each other out of this letter? So
when I the overarching like worry or concern I have
is that this this mother is in a position where
(03:59):
she's able to shift the relationship in a way that's
developmentally appropriate where son becomes adults um, and when we
don't make these moves, we become enabling. And so I
think this is a very important moment and pivot point.
How how am I going to contribute to my son's
ability to manifest his own dreams? At what point? Didn't
(04:19):
do his dreams? Because his and not mine too? Yeah,
So it's it's it's deeply emotional and very involved, and
it's very hard for parents to come out of this
place of being caregiver and give her. So what I
think the mom is feeling is worried about finances. And
that makes sense because this description is that she's a
single mother, So she's done this all on her own
(04:41):
for this long amount of time. Um and I think
that she may feel unsupported by external sources and also
want to be appreciated for the blood, sweat and tears
she's put in to get their family to this point
so far. And maybe she might be internalizing or interpreting
(05:01):
her son asking for money to mean that he doesn't
fully value or understand him. That's why it might be
happening there. And I think for the son, it's just
that he does have big dreams. He probably has a
different relationship with money, and he may need to understand
why his mom stands where she does. I mean, I
think this is such an interesting question to be written
in because you know, oftentimes people would dream of a
(05:24):
son like this. He wants to be an entrepreneur. He's
doing all these great things. He's obviously very focused on something.
You know, he's not out in the streets, so you're like, wow,
this is really great. But the question of asking, like
you know, is are the two things mutually exclusive? Where
it's like, hey, you're gonna go take out loans and
put yourself into debt for me, does that equate with
(05:45):
you supporting and loving and therefore believing in me? And
when you tied it back to the you know this
sort of like ericson stage of development here saying like, hey,
the mom now has to shift to like supporting and
letting her son grow into this level. Like that really
hit home because you know, you want to be able
to foster that you know, growth for your son. But
(06:06):
should you be responsible for UM bank loans. That's a
tough question. It is tough and a question I have.
I'm just curious that the mother has even explained why
she feels the dilemma. She feels that her sense fully
understand why she is hesitant. Again, conversations are always very helpful,
(06:27):
so I wonder if they broach the subject at all
or everyone's kind of just like holding tight and not
sharing anything. So I will add a little bit to
this UM, you know, because I think the idea of entrepreneurship,
especially for this younger generation, is really really big. I
UM did some work with Georgia Tech in our backyard
and we pulled the backyard of Atlanta actually the incoming
(06:48):
freshman class. And once upon a time, I know this
was true for my generation. We went to school to
get a job, and you know, typically work in that
job forever until you moved yourself up the ranks, and
this generation is like, I actually want to eight jobs.
I want to be entrepreneurs. And this was also compounded
by you know, you look what Mark Zuckerberg. Mark Zuckerberg
did with Facebook and if you watch that movie, it
(07:09):
was ninety minutes long and at the end of it,
he's Mark Zuckerberg. He grew this company and he's a billionaire.
So people are like, I got one shot, let me
do it. However, you know, there is something to be
said for, you know, gaining this business acumen, whether it's
through school or you know, working in early stage startups
that I do believe in, you know, so that you
(07:31):
can understand how to properly grow a business. So I'm
really torn on this. I am really torn on this
um because we've seen both sides of the coin, and
I don't know how you weigh in UM or. I'm
almost curious to dive into, you know, what the I
wish we knew what the actual business idea was that
would really help. I think we can go a little
(07:54):
deeper without it. I am interested. Here's what I believe
and what I think I've seen hold true almost always
is that if we don't believe in ourselves, then the
dream won't take flight. So I'm like, okay, so you're
expecting your mother to put money out that she doesn't have.
Where's your agency in this? That's right, fundraisers, those exist, right.
(08:14):
And also, like I I built a business, it started
in the downstairs bedroom of my house. You take baby
steps to get there before you make the big grand risk.
You build evidence at what you have is good. So
perhaps he needs to start building his business out in
very small, managable ways, manageable ways, and see if he
can fund some of it, and maybe they can come
up with like a matching agreement. I raised a hundred,
(08:34):
you pitch in a hundred and build slowly. And I
think that's a question that a lot of entrepreneurs go through,
you know, I hear it coming in. They're like, Hey,
I need to raise money to build on my dream.
And I actually think it's a It's a huge misconception
in the early world of early stage startups, because the
best type of cash that you can get into your
business is those from revenue. Get customers, go out and
(08:56):
pound the pavement and see if you can get one
to three people to actually pay for what your product is,
and so that you know, this idea of being able
to go out in fundraise, everybody hears about it and
they're like, I need somebody else's money to build my business.
But let me tell you, once you have people that
are actually paying for whatever your idea is, you'll get
the funding that follows it. And sometimes people think, well,
(09:19):
I need to build this app, I need to do this,
but oftentimes the most successful early stage startups are kind
of like if you picture the Wizard of Oz, there's
a big curtain up and there's a bunch of people
behind the scenes making it happen like in real time,
and it's not even on an app, it's on a
web based Excel spreadsheet or something. So this is why
I was kind of, you know, from the technologist side
(09:40):
of it, going, what is your business idea and are
there ways that we can you know, help you to
create it or test out the model that don't require
like capital investments um at this early stage. Yeah, I
love that. It's like saying I'd create my own momentum.
I faced the momentum for my own business. Yeah. But
you know one thing you also said was, you know,
(10:02):
creating agency for this young gentleman an entrepreneur at such
a young age. Because I've just studied so many moguls
and successful entrepreneurs, and many of them say, at seventeen,
eighteen nineteen, I'd started my first business. And they might
not have all have taken off. But having a parental
figure in your court going like you can do it,
I think is just incredibly motivating. I think the mom
(10:27):
can say I will do this with you, not for you, right,
And maybe she hasn't fully communicated the support the belief
that I I do, I do, I will. Let's do
it together. Yeah, okay, so now complete Devil's advocate here.
What if this kid has no idea what he's doing
and he's just asking for this money. And this question
(10:48):
of like I don't want to go to college. I
think this part is something that a lot of parents
wrestle with when they're like, I don't need college. I'm
smart enough as is I'm eighteen. How do you deal
with that in a household? You know, um, we've seen
I feel like the most successful people I know didn't
finish college. So it is very tricky and difficult to
(11:10):
make rules or say, you know, one thing will equate
to another um. I think what's really important is holding
space for people and what it is that they want,
and having a finite deadline to the way that you
might financially contribute or to support to them, because what
we don't want to do is like dishonor our own
boundaries and helping someone else pursue what it is they want.
(11:30):
So so go In light of the fact that the
segment is called money versus moves, what do you see
this situation playing out as a money or a moves? Yeah,
because we don't have money, I'm gonna go with moves.
I think that this is one of those times where
the choice is made for you and you have to
(11:51):
get things spinning and moving on your own. Absolutely, what
are you interested? Sorry, go ahead, I'm super interested in
hearing from you, Utania, because I know you made a transition.
You didn't just start as an entrepreneur. So what's your
take on this? Yeah? Absolutely, you know, I think one
of the keys is and you know, I'll speak from
my own personal experience. I my background was in nursing.
(12:13):
I had a degree in genetics and as well postgraduate
degrees in nursing, so very very different and sort of
made the leap into entrepreneurship um when I was exposed
to it. And one of the key things that I
feel like was fortunate to me being successful in this
was education. And it wasn't in the form of going
to business school, but it was having incredible mentors around
(12:35):
me that really helped to show me the ropes and
make me understand the ins and outs of entrepreneurship. And
you know, oftentimes that's not available to everyone. But one
thing that is available to everyone right now is resources
on the internet. There are so many accelerator programs, business
education programs that I think that this mom and this
(12:56):
son could really take advantage of. And maybe that's part
of her role, helping him get involved in the startup
and technology community so that he can find the assets
to really help him understand how to build and grow
and scale a business. And sometimes that does not come
in the form of a business degree from a four
year college. It's kind of like the school of hard
knocks and learning from people that are much smarter than you.
(13:19):
And I think, you know, one thing that this pandemic
has absolutely shown us is that we can do a
lot of things on zoom and online. And I think
that might really be the big differentiator in helping this
mother and son understand if he has a viable business idea.
I love that, So I think the move, the next
move is mentorship and learning. That's right. That's right. And
(13:41):
there are so many programs out there, especially for you know,
founders of color, you know, black men, black women, the
Latin community. And here's the thing. Greenwood was created to
help foster these conversations and help people understand that there
are so many financial tools out there. So I think
we've given them a well rounded solution on how to
(14:04):
tackle this and at the end, I feel like we
see some success on the horizon. So Co I always
love when you come by because you always drop wisdom
and gems and a whole bunch of relationship advice that
I would not even have fathoms. So thank you so
much for being here. It's been a pleasure and I
learned to thank you, Damnia, Thank you so much. Thank
(14:24):
you so much for tuning in. Money Moves audience. If
you want more or a recap of this episode, please
go to the Bank Greenwood dot com and check out
the Money Moves podcast blog. Money Moves is an I
Heeart radio podcast powered by Greenwood Executive Produced by Sunwise Media, Inc.
For more podcast on I heart Radio, visit the i
(14:47):
heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your
podcasts from.
Hey money Movers, Welcome back to Money Moves, the daily
podcast determined to give you the keys to the Kingdom
of financial stability, wealth and abundance. Hey money Movers, Welcome
back to Money Moves. We've been learning about entrepreneurship and
(00:22):
what it takes to be a business owner, but what
we haven't discussed is how difficult it can be when
it requires you to depend on someone else, and how
that may or may not affect the dynamics of a relationship.
To be honest, I'd prefer not to be the only
person weighing in here. I may know a few things,
but I'm no expert in family dynamics or relationships. But
I do know somebody who is. She is a licensed
(00:44):
clinical social worker who received her master's degree from UC
Berkeley and is the owner of Soko Ray Therapy. Let's
welcome back the one the only Miss Soko Ray. Hi, Soco, Hi, Kanya,
happy to be here with you today. I love having
you on here. Okay, So Soco welcome back. I'm really
(01:04):
excited for you to drop some gems and wisdom with
the rest of our Money Moves audience. I love this
money Versus Moves segment where you get to weigh in
on questions and comments and letters written in from our audience.
So SOCO today, I've got a mother's son conflict for you.
What happens when you feel like your child's dreams are
(01:27):
a little bit bigger than their current capabilities. How do
you nurture that relationship without breaking your own pockets? This
is sort of the high level intro to our letter today,
and I'm really excited to share it with you. Well,
this one sounds really tricky and interesting because I'm very
used to couples, but mother's son dynamics are a little different.
I'm excited to hear what the family has to say. Yeah,
(01:49):
this is an interesting one, but I think that it'll
resonate with a lot of our audience members at home.
So I'm going to read the letter. Bear with me
right now. Um, Dear money Moves. I am a single
mother to an amazing son who has always been super
creative and innovative. Even in elementary school, he was creating
(02:09):
new things for his friends. Now, going into a senior
year of high school, he came up with a pretty
unique business idea. Now it's not something that's necessarily time sensitive.
I mean it's something that people will always need. He
wants to get his business started right away, and while
I think it's great for young people to explore entrepreneurship,
(02:30):
his business will require overhead costs that neither he nor
I have the money for right now. So here's where
the dispute comes into play. Because he's only eighteen years
old and now going into a senior year of high school,
I'm encouraging him to put his plan on the back
burner and look at majoring in business in undergrad so
that he can figure out how to properly run his business.
(02:53):
He is adamant that he is not going to college
and that he knows how to run a business, and
that his pressuring me to help him take out a
business loan to get started is what he needs and
that's how I can support him. As a parent. I
believe in my son. I know he has lots of
natural savvy, grit and gumption and has studied things independently. However,
(03:15):
my hesitance to take out loans on his behalf is
straining our relationship. He now thinks I don't believe in
him as his mother. Am I holding him back by
not supporting the presence of his dreams. Soco, that's a lot.
It's a big one. It's a big one. Okay, So
(03:38):
give me your initial take on you know what the
real root of this problem is. I always ask you
what do you think the mom and son are really
asking for from each other out of this letter? So
when I the overarching like worry or concern I have
is that this this mother is in a position where
(03:59):
she's able to shift the relationship in a way that's
developmentally appropriate where son becomes adults um, and when we
don't make these moves, we become enabling. And so I
think this is a very important moment and pivot point.
How how am I going to contribute to my son's
ability to manifest his own dreams? At what point? Didn't
(04:19):
do his dreams? Because his and not mine too? Yeah,
So it's it's it's deeply emotional and very involved, and
it's very hard for parents to come out of this
place of being caregiver and give her. So what I
think the mom is feeling is worried about finances. And
that makes sense because this description is that she's a
single mother, So she's done this all on her own
(04:41):
for this long amount of time. Um and I think
that she may feel unsupported by external sources and also
want to be appreciated for the blood, sweat and tears
she's put in to get their family to this point
so far. And maybe she might be internalizing or interpreting
(05:01):
her son asking for money to mean that he doesn't
fully value or understand him. That's why it might be
happening there. And I think for the son, it's just
that he does have big dreams. He probably has a
different relationship with money, and he may need to understand
why his mom stands where she does. I mean, I
think this is such an interesting question to be written
in because you know, oftentimes people would dream of a
(05:24):
son like this. He wants to be an entrepreneur. He's
doing all these great things. He's obviously very focused on something.
You know, he's not out in the streets, so you're like, wow,
this is really great. But the question of asking, like
you know, is are the two things mutually exclusive? Where
it's like, hey, you're gonna go take out loans and
put yourself into debt for me, does that equate with
(05:45):
you supporting and loving and therefore believing in me? And
when you tied it back to the you know this
sort of like ericson stage of development here saying like, hey,
the mom now has to shift to like supporting and
letting her son grow into this level. Like that really
hit home because you know, you want to be able
to foster that you know, growth for your son. But
(06:06):
should you be responsible for UM bank loans. That's a
tough question. It is tough and a question I have.
I'm just curious that the mother has even explained why
she feels the dilemma. She feels that her sense fully
understand why she is hesitant. Again, conversations are always very helpful,
(06:27):
so I wonder if they broach the subject at all
or everyone's kind of just like holding tight and not
sharing anything. So I will add a little bit to
this UM, you know, because I think the idea of entrepreneurship,
especially for this younger generation, is really really big. I
UM did some work with Georgia Tech in our backyard
and we pulled the backyard of Atlanta actually the incoming
(06:48):
freshman class. And once upon a time, I know this
was true for my generation. We went to school to
get a job, and you know, typically work in that
job forever until you moved yourself up the ranks, and
this generation is like, I actually want to eight jobs.
I want to be entrepreneurs. And this was also compounded
by you know, you look what Mark Zuckerberg. Mark Zuckerberg
did with Facebook and if you watch that movie, it
(07:09):
was ninety minutes long and at the end of it,
he's Mark Zuckerberg. He grew this company and he's a billionaire.
So people are like, I got one shot, let me
do it. However, you know, there is something to be
said for, you know, gaining this business acumen, whether it's
through school or you know, working in early stage startups
that I do believe in, you know, so that you
(07:31):
can understand how to properly grow a business. So I'm
really torn on this. I am really torn on this
um because we've seen both sides of the coin, and
I don't know how you weigh in UM or. I'm
almost curious to dive into, you know, what the I
wish we knew what the actual business idea was that
would really help. I think we can go a little
(07:54):
deeper without it. I am interested. Here's what I believe
and what I think I've seen hold true almost always
is that if we don't believe in ourselves, then the
dream won't take flight. So I'm like, okay, so you're
expecting your mother to put money out that she doesn't have.
Where's your agency in this? That's right, fundraisers, those exist, right.
(08:14):
And also, like I I built a business, it started
in the downstairs bedroom of my house. You take baby
steps to get there before you make the big grand risk.
You build evidence at what you have is good. So
perhaps he needs to start building his business out in
very small, managable ways, manageable ways, and see if he
can fund some of it, and maybe they can come
up with like a matching agreement. I raised a hundred,
(08:34):
you pitch in a hundred and build slowly. And I
think that's a question that a lot of entrepreneurs go through,
you know, I hear it coming in. They're like, Hey,
I need to raise money to build on my dream.
And I actually think it's a It's a huge misconception
in the early world of early stage startups, because the
best type of cash that you can get into your
business is those from revenue. Get customers, go out and
(08:56):
pound the pavement and see if you can get one
to three people to actually pay for what your product is,
and so that you know, this idea of being able
to go out in fundraise, everybody hears about it and
they're like, I need somebody else's money to build my business.
But let me tell you, once you have people that
are actually paying for whatever your idea is, you'll get
the funding that follows it. And sometimes people think, well,
(09:19):
I need to build this app, I need to do this,
but oftentimes the most successful early stage startups are kind
of like if you picture the Wizard of Oz, there's
a big curtain up and there's a bunch of people
behind the scenes making it happen like in real time,
and it's not even on an app, it's on a
web based Excel spreadsheet or something. So this is why
I was kind of, you know, from the technologist side
(09:40):
of it, going, what is your business idea and are
there ways that we can you know, help you to
create it or test out the model that don't require
like capital investments um at this early stage. Yeah, I
love that. It's like saying I'd create my own momentum.
I faced the momentum for my own business. Yeah. But
you know one thing you also said was, you know,
(10:02):
creating agency for this young gentleman an entrepreneur at such
a young age. Because I've just studied so many moguls
and successful entrepreneurs, and many of them say, at seventeen,
eighteen nineteen, I'd started my first business. And they might
not have all have taken off. But having a parental
figure in your court going like you can do it,
I think is just incredibly motivating. I think the mom
(10:27):
can say I will do this with you, not for you, right,
And maybe she hasn't fully communicated the support the belief
that I I do, I do, I will. Let's do
it together. Yeah, okay, so now complete Devil's advocate here.
What if this kid has no idea what he's doing
and he's just asking for this money. And this question
(10:48):
of like I don't want to go to college. I
think this part is something that a lot of parents
wrestle with when they're like, I don't need college. I'm
smart enough as is I'm eighteen. How do you deal
with that in a household? You know, um, we've seen
I feel like the most successful people I know didn't
finish college. So it is very tricky and difficult to
(11:10):
make rules or say, you know, one thing will equate
to another um. I think what's really important is holding
space for people and what it is that they want,
and having a finite deadline to the way that you
might financially contribute or to support to them, because what
we don't want to do is like dishonor our own
boundaries and helping someone else pursue what it is they want.
(11:30):
So so go In light of the fact that the
segment is called money versus moves, what do you see
this situation playing out as a money or a moves? Yeah,
because we don't have money, I'm gonna go with moves.
I think that this is one of those times where
the choice is made for you and you have to
(11:51):
get things spinning and moving on your own. Absolutely, what
are you interested? Sorry, go ahead, I'm super interested in
hearing from you, Utania, because I know you made a transition.
You didn't just start as an entrepreneur. So what's your
take on this? Yeah? Absolutely, you know, I think one
of the keys is and you know, I'll speak from
my own personal experience. I my background was in nursing.
(12:13):
I had a degree in genetics and as well postgraduate
degrees in nursing, so very very different and sort of
made the leap into entrepreneurship um when I was exposed
to it. And one of the key things that I
feel like was fortunate to me being successful in this
was education. And it wasn't in the form of going
to business school, but it was having incredible mentors around
(12:35):
me that really helped to show me the ropes and
make me understand the ins and outs of entrepreneurship. And
you know, oftentimes that's not available to everyone. But one
thing that is available to everyone right now is resources
on the internet. There are so many accelerator programs, business
education programs that I think that this mom and this
(12:56):
son could really take advantage of. And maybe that's part
of her role, helping him get involved in the startup
and technology community so that he can find the assets
to really help him understand how to build and grow
and scale a business. And sometimes that does not come
in the form of a business degree from a four
year college. It's kind of like the school of hard
knocks and learning from people that are much smarter than you.
(13:19):
And I think, you know, one thing that this pandemic
has absolutely shown us is that we can do a
lot of things on zoom and online. And I think
that might really be the big differentiator in helping this
mother and son understand if he has a viable business idea.
I love that, So I think the move, the next
move is mentorship and learning. That's right. That's right. And
(13:41):
there are so many programs out there, especially for you know,
founders of color, you know, black men, black women, the
Latin community. And here's the thing. Greenwood was created to
help foster these conversations and help people understand that there
are so many financial tools out there. So I think
we've given them a well rounded solution on how to
(14:04):
tackle this and at the end, I feel like we
see some success on the horizon. So Co I always
love when you come by because you always drop wisdom
and gems and a whole bunch of relationship advice that
I would not even have fathoms. So thank you so
much for being here. It's been a pleasure and I
learned to thank you, Damnia, Thank you so much. Thank
(14:24):
you so much for tuning in. Money Moves audience. If
you want more or a recap of this episode, please
go to the Bank Greenwood dot com and check out
the Money Moves podcast blog. Money Moves is an I
Heeart radio podcast powered by Greenwood Executive Produced by Sunwise Media, Inc.
For more podcast on I heart Radio, visit the i
(14:47):
heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your
podcasts from.
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