December 30, 2021 • 13 mins
Everyone's favorite therapist Soco joins Tanya to help with a letter from a fan who seems to be having a marital dispute about investing with her husband.
The problem:
The husband is the breadwinner and would not want to "waste" his money is entering the stock market. However, the wife has enough knowledge to know that investing will be a good step for their family's financial future. She is even part of a successful investment group.
Let's see what Tanya and Soco have to say about that.
Host IG: @itstanyatime
Guest IG: @yourfavoritetherapist
Learn more about Soco Rey's therapy at: https://www.socorey.com/
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm Tanya Sam and welcome to the Money Moves podcast
powered by Greenwood. Hey, money movers, and welcome back to
Money Moves. We've had an amazing and informative time taking
a look into the fundamentals of investing me and I've
(00:22):
learned a lot. I hope you've learned a lot. But
learning is nothing without action. And right now we're going
to hear from a couple who's been struggling there at
the end of their rope because they really do want
to put in the thought and moves to make their
money move for them, but they just can't agree on how.
So we're going to help them. But here's the thing.
(00:45):
I'm no expert on investing or relationships. I think I'm
pretty good at it, but like I always say, I
always try to bring in people that are much much
more experienced and smarter than me to start shelling out advice.
And today our guest is exactly that. I've decided to
invite a friend who can really help shed some well
informed light on the struggles our couple is having. She
(01:07):
is a licensed clinical social worker who has received her
master's degree from UC Berkeley and is the owner of
Soco Ray therapy, the one, the only Miss Soco. Ray Soco,
welcome to the show today. It's so great to see you.
Thanks for having me, Kanny. I'm really excited to be
here with you. Here's the thing, Soco, we have a
couple here who is really struggling. They both want to
(01:29):
do the right thing by their family and increase their
financial wealth. But they're at their wits end trying to
figure out what the right thing. Maybe we have to
help them, alright, Soco, here's their letter. Okay, Dear money Moves.
My husband and I have been married for seven years
and we have three children. He is the primary breadwinner
and his income is spread across accounts earmarked for our families, bills, savings,
(01:53):
and day to day discretionary spending, which we both share
access to. While I generally manage to the discretionary funds
as most is spent on the household before we make
any large purchases, we always discuss it. That being said,
my friends and extended family have recently gotten into investing.
They've even invited me to join their investing group, in
(02:14):
which they trade information and help one another to start
investing in stocks. While I still have more research to
do to understand exactly what they are doing. I really
want to get involved. I think this could be really
important for our family. They have suggested that I try
and invest with small amounts of money to start to
understand how to learn how the market moves. The thing is,
(02:37):
my husband is adamantly against this. He says I don't
know enough to waste his hard earned money to become
part of the in crowd. He believes the key to
success is hard work and not gambling with the market.
We've had huge blowouts because of this. I'm at the
point where, since I generally control the discretionary funds, I'm
(02:58):
wondering if I should just budge the budget a little bit,
take some money from this pot and start investing. If
I lose it, he won't know. But if I make
a bunch of money, how can he complain? I'm scared
this has the potential to blow up my marriage. But
things have really reached a boiling point. Either way, What
should I do? There's a lot there, right, Okay, there
(03:19):
is the first word that struck you as waste, Like, oh,
that must be an interesting feeling. My hard earned money,
like this is a powerful load. I'm glad I'm not
attacking this by myself, so CO and I feel like
with you were a little bit more prepared to answer this,
because she's right, there's a lot at risk here. You've
got your marriage, you've got financial security and funds. But
(03:41):
I want to start off by asking you, what do
you think the wife in this letter is really asking for,
not just from us, but also from her husband. I
think she's asking for a few things, and I'm glad
that you asked that question, because when it comes to money,
it comes to anything, it's about what feeling it is
we want of this thing. So I'm thinking about this
(04:02):
woman who wrote this. She wants to feel involved. She
wants to feel community because she wants to do it
with people she loved. She wants to rise with the
people who are around her, which makes sense. I think
she wants to feel a sense of generativity that I
can create, and also some empowerment, some independence that there's
something that I want to put to test. I want
(04:22):
to see if I can trust myself and I can
actualize something that I've imagined in my mind. And then
with the wasting, I think she's looking to get some
credibility to be seen differently by her husband. Oh my gosh,
so co I feel like they have to write you
a check for this? That wasn't incredibly profound. I mean,
you just unpacked a whole lot of nuances to the relationship.
(04:47):
She wants to feel seen empowered, like she's generating money
in this relationship. That was really good. Okay, So my
next question, and I know you haven't exactly spoken to them,
so I know, of course a lot of this is speculation,
but what problems do you also see it play in
the relationship because there's more going on than just this
(05:08):
money thing. There's a power dynamic. I don't know if
good relationship began that way, but it seems that there
is someone who is in control and likes to be
in control, and maybe at one point there was someone
who likes to be led. And now it sounds like
what's happening is there's a shift in the relationship. And
anyone in relationships and in life knows that we need
(05:30):
some flexibility, some ability to remold, redefine ourselves. And that
happened through conversation and through love, right wanting the best
for your partner. Wow, that's a great analogy, because yeah,
things change and you know, they've got three kids, they've
probably been doing this for a while and they've settled
into their roles. But I feel like she's like that
(05:50):
little caterpillar that's trying to be a butterfly and really
have a bigger role in in the family and the
family finances as well. So what do you think about
this part where she's um hinting at the fact that
she should just do it on her own, Because this
is one of those things where you know, do you
ask permission or do you ask forgiveness? And how does
(06:11):
that play out into making decisions about finances in a relationship.
So I think honestly is always the best policy. I
think that will always be true. So I'm going to
stick to that one now, um and say that when
we do things behind closed doors, we sometimes create habits
that then grow, and we sometimes encourage our partners to
(06:31):
do the same, and then we create a bigger break
between us and there are than they're actually already. Is
one possible solution that came to me when thinking about
that is I thought, Okay, so they're having these conversations
about money decisions, but it sounds like the conversations are
just him saying what he wants to do. If she
doesn't feel like the conversations they are pathway for what
I want to do too, So I would bring it
(06:53):
to the conversation, letting him know what feeling it is.
You're chasing what it is you want, not the money thing.
I just I want to feel seen, I want to
feel generative, whatever it is. Um and then you know,
making a proposition that he might accept the first time.
Of course, he's probably not going to say, sure, go
gamble this two thousands, but maybe she might be able
to say, Okay, look, I figured out a way to
cut costs here with these cuts, with what I have
(07:16):
left over. Now, what is your thoughts? What are your
feelings about me putting this in here? It's low risk,
and let's see if it grows. How do you feel
about that? Now? If after that he's still resistant, you know,
enough time, then you gotta do what you gotta do
for yourself. But that's what came to me. Okay, I'm
gonna go out there on a limb, and I feel
like oftentimes in you know, the black community as well,
(07:38):
you'll have the old aunties and grandmothers who are always
giving you the nudge saying you better have some of
you know, two women that allwas you better have a
little pot of money on your own that you should
not tell your husband about. How do you feel about
that old adage? Is that true? Or is honesty always
the best policy? Such a good question because they're just
(07:59):
taking it there time, there's advice I give us a therapist,
and then there's the way that I actually live my
own life. Okay. I love that you said that, because
it's kind of like I get your clinical therapy advice.
I'm like, she is wise, But then what's the girlfriend advice?
Girlfriend advices? I think, honestly still is the best policy.
And I think that it is important for two people
(08:21):
in a relationship to both feel capable enough to have income,
and that might look like having income. So for this woman,
I think it is important that we have the ability
to create and sustain our own life. But maybe transparently. Yeah,
but maybe transparent And I mean that's probably a big
step for her if she can, you know, really dig
deep and find her voice, you know, because that power
(08:43):
differential of being the one that is not the money
maker but also managing the household, you know, that's that's
a huge thing. So I love that you said that. Um,
one last question, how common our money problems within couples?
You know? I love the segment because it allows our
viewers and then he moves audience to write in and
sort of anonymously ask questions and they get obviously your
(09:05):
services here. So this is pretty awesome. But how common
do you see this between couples, you know, in the
therapy space? Not that often. What brings couples to therapy
is usually infidelity. Um, that's it, But but money can
money has the underminings of or can have the underminings
of infidelity. Also, I just think that people overlook it
(09:27):
and don't see money issues at trust issues and don't
bring them into the therapy space. Like you said, this
is often an overlooked problem. And I'd be remiss if
I didn't ask you to give us a little bit
of the black mail or the husband's perspective on this.
What do you think his thoughts are and what advice
would you give to him? And also what's his perspective
(09:49):
here about on wasting his money? Yeah, so that's a
good question, and we did. We should definitely go there.
I'm thinking that he probably wants to be trusted and
that much of his theme might be in being the provider,
and he may think that his wife moved towards wanting
to make her own or increase her own income is
(10:10):
a signal to him that he's not doing enough. So
this may be poking at ego, at not enoughness. I
think that might be what's going on here that is
found again, it's all about feelings. When we can just
come and say like, Okay, what is my feeling and
what is it that I'm scared to feel and don't
want to feel, then we can get some answers. So
(10:31):
I feel like you've really shed some light on this
question and I will just sort of weigh in because
I wish this couple the best. But I think that
you're right and they really need to continue having conversations
about this, and I think that hopefully they can find
some sort of happy medium where she can make these
small investments and involve her husband in it. Maybe he
just feels really left out, and if the two of
(10:52):
them could start investing together, even if it's small amounts,
maybe they forgo, you know, a drive through Starbucks and
whatever that weekly budget is. This could be a really
exciting opportunity for them to bond together. But I will
defer to you as the expert, and let's hear what
your summary is. I join you and what you said.
And I would add that before we uh enter into
(11:14):
these conversations with our stosss or loved ones, generally speaking,
we should sit with ourselves and ask ourselves, Okay, what
is it that I want? What is it that I'm
asking for, and why do I want it? And then
we think about the other person, why do they want
it this way? What are they holding on to, what um,
what part of their ego might I just kind of
(11:36):
poke at. And when you have an understanding of where
you sit and why and where they might sit and why,
then you enter the conversation and you're able to offer understanding. First,
you're able to say, hey, this is what I think
might be happening. I totally understand that this is what's
happening for me, this is what I want. How do
you feel about this? And I would also add in
the sandwich technique, whenever you're talking to anyone, you first
(11:57):
start with what you appreciate, what you enjoy, what you value.
I love that you've been a provider for me. Thank
you so much for caring for us in this way.
It is love. It's the way you show up, and
you show up consistently. I would like to really do
the same, not because you're not giving me enough, but
because I think I have it in me too. Do
you believe in me? Honey? Can we do this together?
Here's my idea. What are your thoughts? And then you
(12:18):
close by saying I love you so much, even if
you didn't get what you wanted. I can't wait to
revisit this conversation with you and to be open and
more transparent with you. Thank you for this opportunity. Your
brilliance is literally shining through the screen right now. Thank
you so much for that. Tons of gems, tons of wisdom.
But if you didn't catch it now, please tune into
the bank Greenwood dot com website where you can check
(12:39):
out our blog and we can give you all the
one two three's on these relationship money moves advice coming
straight from SOCO. So that was such great advice. And
you know, mental health and therapy is such a hot
topic in the black community right now. I know that
people are going to be knocking on your door. You
know not just for crisis times but also for a
little tune up. So please tell us where they can
find you and read to you. Thank you, it's been
(13:02):
a blast. As he said, Haniel, all these tits tricks
can be found at Bank Greenwood dot com and you
can find me on Instagram at your favorite therapist. Love it.
You are quickly becoming my favorite therapist. But like she said,
tell us again, Soco, where we can find you Instagram
at your favorite therapist. Awesome. Well, we'll see you back again,
(13:23):
and thank you so much for tuning in. You guys
money Movers, have a great one and let's continue to
make Money Moves together. Thank you so much for tuning
in Money Moves audience. If you want more or a
recap of this episode, please go to the Bank Greenwood
dot com and check out the Money Moves podcast blog.
(13:45):
Money Moves is an i heeart radio podcast powered by
Greenwood Executive produced by Sunwise Media, Inc. For more podcast
on iHeart Radio, visit the i Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts from.
I'm Tanya Sam and welcome to the Money Moves podcast
powered by Greenwood. Hey, money movers, and welcome back to
Money Moves. We've had an amazing and informative time taking
a look into the fundamentals of investing me and I've
(00:22):
learned a lot. I hope you've learned a lot. But
learning is nothing without action. And right now we're going
to hear from a couple who's been struggling there at
the end of their rope because they really do want
to put in the thought and moves to make their
money move for them, but they just can't agree on how.
So we're going to help them. But here's the thing.
(00:45):
I'm no expert on investing or relationships. I think I'm
pretty good at it, but like I always say, I
always try to bring in people that are much much
more experienced and smarter than me to start shelling out advice.
And today our guest is exactly that. I've decided to
invite a friend who can really help shed some well
informed light on the struggles our couple is having. She
(01:07):
is a licensed clinical social worker who has received her
master's degree from UC Berkeley and is the owner of
Soco Ray therapy, the one, the only Miss Soco. Ray Soco,
welcome to the show today. It's so great to see you.
Thanks for having me, Kanny. I'm really excited to be
here with you. Here's the thing, Soco, we have a
couple here who is really struggling. They both want to
(01:29):
do the right thing by their family and increase their
financial wealth. But they're at their wits end trying to
figure out what the right thing. Maybe we have to
help them, alright, Soco, here's their letter. Okay, Dear money Moves.
My husband and I have been married for seven years
and we have three children. He is the primary breadwinner
and his income is spread across accounts earmarked for our families, bills, savings,
(01:53):
and day to day discretionary spending, which we both share
access to. While I generally manage to the discretionary funds
as most is spent on the household before we make
any large purchases, we always discuss it. That being said,
my friends and extended family have recently gotten into investing.
They've even invited me to join their investing group, in
(02:14):
which they trade information and help one another to start
investing in stocks. While I still have more research to
do to understand exactly what they are doing. I really
want to get involved. I think this could be really
important for our family. They have suggested that I try
and invest with small amounts of money to start to
understand how to learn how the market moves. The thing is,
(02:37):
my husband is adamantly against this. He says I don't
know enough to waste his hard earned money to become
part of the in crowd. He believes the key to
success is hard work and not gambling with the market.
We've had huge blowouts because of this. I'm at the
point where, since I generally control the discretionary funds, I'm
(02:58):
wondering if I should just budge the budget a little bit,
take some money from this pot and start investing. If
I lose it, he won't know. But if I make
a bunch of money, how can he complain? I'm scared
this has the potential to blow up my marriage. But
things have really reached a boiling point. Either way, What
should I do? There's a lot there, right, Okay, there
(03:19):
is the first word that struck you as waste, Like, oh,
that must be an interesting feeling. My hard earned money,
like this is a powerful load. I'm glad I'm not
attacking this by myself, so CO and I feel like
with you were a little bit more prepared to answer this,
because she's right, there's a lot at risk here. You've
got your marriage, you've got financial security and funds. But
(03:41):
I want to start off by asking you, what do
you think the wife in this letter is really asking for,
not just from us, but also from her husband. I
think she's asking for a few things, and I'm glad
that you asked that question, because when it comes to money,
it comes to anything, it's about what feeling it is
we want of this thing. So I'm thinking about this
(04:02):
woman who wrote this. She wants to feel involved. She
wants to feel community because she wants to do it
with people she loved. She wants to rise with the
people who are around her, which makes sense. I think
she wants to feel a sense of generativity that I
can create, and also some empowerment, some independence that there's
something that I want to put to test. I want
(04:22):
to see if I can trust myself and I can
actualize something that I've imagined in my mind. And then
with the wasting, I think she's looking to get some
credibility to be seen differently by her husband. Oh my gosh,
so co I feel like they have to write you
a check for this? That wasn't incredibly profound. I mean,
you just unpacked a whole lot of nuances to the relationship.
(04:47):
She wants to feel seen empowered, like she's generating money
in this relationship. That was really good. Okay, So my
next question, and I know you haven't exactly spoken to them,
so I know, of course a lot of this is speculation,
but what problems do you also see it play in
the relationship because there's more going on than just this
(05:08):
money thing. There's a power dynamic. I don't know if
good relationship began that way, but it seems that there
is someone who is in control and likes to be
in control, and maybe at one point there was someone
who likes to be led. And now it sounds like
what's happening is there's a shift in the relationship. And
anyone in relationships and in life knows that we need
(05:30):
some flexibility, some ability to remold, redefine ourselves. And that
happened through conversation and through love, right wanting the best
for your partner. Wow, that's a great analogy, because yeah,
things change and you know, they've got three kids, they've
probably been doing this for a while and they've settled
into their roles. But I feel like she's like that
(05:50):
little caterpillar that's trying to be a butterfly and really
have a bigger role in in the family and the
family finances as well. So what do you think about
this part where she's um hinting at the fact that
she should just do it on her own, Because this
is one of those things where you know, do you
ask permission or do you ask forgiveness? And how does
(06:11):
that play out into making decisions about finances in a relationship.
So I think honestly is always the best policy. I
think that will always be true. So I'm going to
stick to that one now, um and say that when
we do things behind closed doors, we sometimes create habits
that then grow, and we sometimes encourage our partners to
(06:31):
do the same, and then we create a bigger break
between us and there are than they're actually already. Is
one possible solution that came to me when thinking about
that is I thought, Okay, so they're having these conversations
about money decisions, but it sounds like the conversations are
just him saying what he wants to do. If she
doesn't feel like the conversations they are pathway for what
I want to do too, So I would bring it
(06:53):
to the conversation, letting him know what feeling it is.
You're chasing what it is you want, not the money thing.
I just I want to feel seen, I want to
feel generative, whatever it is. Um and then you know,
making a proposition that he might accept the first time.
Of course, he's probably not going to say, sure, go
gamble this two thousands, but maybe she might be able
to say, Okay, look, I figured out a way to
cut costs here with these cuts, with what I have
(07:16):
left over. Now, what is your thoughts? What are your
feelings about me putting this in here? It's low risk,
and let's see if it grows. How do you feel
about that? Now? If after that he's still resistant, you know,
enough time, then you gotta do what you gotta do
for yourself. But that's what came to me. Okay, I'm
gonna go out there on a limb, and I feel
like oftentimes in you know, the black community as well,
(07:38):
you'll have the old aunties and grandmothers who are always
giving you the nudge saying you better have some of
you know, two women that allwas you better have a
little pot of money on your own that you should
not tell your husband about. How do you feel about
that old adage? Is that true? Or is honesty always
the best policy? Such a good question because they're just
(07:59):
taking it there time, there's advice I give us a therapist,
and then there's the way that I actually live my
own life. Okay. I love that you said that, because
it's kind of like I get your clinical therapy advice.
I'm like, she is wise, But then what's the girlfriend advice?
Girlfriend advices? I think, honestly still is the best policy.
And I think that it is important for two people
(08:21):
in a relationship to both feel capable enough to have income,
and that might look like having income. So for this woman,
I think it is important that we have the ability
to create and sustain our own life. But maybe transparently. Yeah,
but maybe transparent And I mean that's probably a big
step for her if she can, you know, really dig
deep and find her voice, you know, because that power
(08:43):
differential of being the one that is not the money
maker but also managing the household, you know, that's that's
a huge thing. So I love that you said that. Um,
one last question, how common our money problems within couples?
You know? I love the segment because it allows our
viewers and then he moves audience to write in and
sort of anonymously ask questions and they get obviously your
(09:05):
services here. So this is pretty awesome. But how common
do you see this between couples, you know, in the
therapy space? Not that often. What brings couples to therapy
is usually infidelity. Um, that's it, But but money can
money has the underminings of or can have the underminings
of infidelity. Also, I just think that people overlook it
(09:27):
and don't see money issues at trust issues and don't
bring them into the therapy space. Like you said, this
is often an overlooked problem. And I'd be remiss if
I didn't ask you to give us a little bit
of the black mail or the husband's perspective on this.
What do you think his thoughts are and what advice
would you give to him? And also what's his perspective
(09:49):
here about on wasting his money? Yeah, so that's a
good question, and we did. We should definitely go there.
I'm thinking that he probably wants to be trusted and
that much of his theme might be in being the provider,
and he may think that his wife moved towards wanting
to make her own or increase her own income is
(10:10):
a signal to him that he's not doing enough. So
this may be poking at ego, at not enoughness. I
think that might be what's going on here that is
found again, it's all about feelings. When we can just
come and say like, Okay, what is my feeling and
what is it that I'm scared to feel and don't
want to feel, then we can get some answers. So
(10:31):
I feel like you've really shed some light on this
question and I will just sort of weigh in because
I wish this couple the best. But I think that
you're right and they really need to continue having conversations
about this, and I think that hopefully they can find
some sort of happy medium where she can make these
small investments and involve her husband in it. Maybe he
just feels really left out, and if the two of
(10:52):
them could start investing together, even if it's small amounts,
maybe they forgo, you know, a drive through Starbucks and
whatever that weekly budget is. This could be a really
exciting opportunity for them to bond together. But I will
defer to you as the expert, and let's hear what
your summary is. I join you and what you said.
And I would add that before we uh enter into
(11:14):
these conversations with our stosss or loved ones, generally speaking,
we should sit with ourselves and ask ourselves, Okay, what
is it that I want? What is it that I'm
asking for, and why do I want it? And then
we think about the other person, why do they want
it this way? What are they holding on to, what um,
what part of their ego might I just kind of
(11:36):
poke at. And when you have an understanding of where
you sit and why and where they might sit and why,
then you enter the conversation and you're able to offer understanding. First,
you're able to say, hey, this is what I think
might be happening. I totally understand that this is what's
happening for me, this is what I want. How do
you feel about this? And I would also add in
the sandwich technique, whenever you're talking to anyone, you first
(11:57):
start with what you appreciate, what you enjoy, what you value.
I love that you've been a provider for me. Thank
you so much for caring for us in this way.
It is love. It's the way you show up, and
you show up consistently. I would like to really do
the same, not because you're not giving me enough, but
because I think I have it in me too. Do
you believe in me? Honey? Can we do this together?
Here's my idea. What are your thoughts? And then you
(12:18):
close by saying I love you so much, even if
you didn't get what you wanted. I can't wait to
revisit this conversation with you and to be open and
more transparent with you. Thank you for this opportunity. Your
brilliance is literally shining through the screen right now. Thank
you so much for that. Tons of gems, tons of wisdom.
But if you didn't catch it now, please tune into
the bank Greenwood dot com website where you can check
(12:39):
out our blog and we can give you all the
one two three's on these relationship money moves advice coming
straight from SOCO. So that was such great advice. And
you know, mental health and therapy is such a hot
topic in the black community right now. I know that
people are going to be knocking on your door. You
know not just for crisis times but also for a
little tune up. So please tell us where they can
find you and read to you. Thank you, it's been
(13:02):
a blast. As he said, Haniel, all these tits tricks
can be found at Bank Greenwood dot com and you
can find me on Instagram at your favorite therapist. Love it.
You are quickly becoming my favorite therapist. But like she said,
tell us again, Soco, where we can find you Instagram
at your favorite therapist. Awesome. Well, we'll see you back again,
(13:23):
and thank you so much for tuning in. You guys
money Movers, have a great one and let's continue to
make Money Moves together. Thank you so much for tuning
in Money Moves audience. If you want more or a
recap of this episode, please go to the Bank Greenwood
dot com and check out the Money Moves podcast blog.
(13:45):
Money Moves is an i heeart radio podcast powered by
Greenwood Executive produced by Sunwise Media, Inc. For more podcast
on iHeart Radio, visit the i Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts from.
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