December 25, 2025 • 47 mins
What to do when you’re about to marry the love of your life and your family ACTUALLY speaks now and do not forever hold their peace? This week, Stephanie and Melissa read an email from listener Rachel, who is having trouble navigating the fact that she and her now husband come from completely different cultures. Steph and Mel share their experiences and thoughts on how to navigate multicultural families — and they quote Bon Jovi along the way.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Did you realize that I did upon Jovi John bon
Jovi quote, just then, No, it's my life. It's now ormember,
I'm I ain't gonna god, how did I miss that?
Where can I hand in my jersey card?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Jesus more Better, More Better?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Just for posterity reasons, I want on the recording for
everyone to know that our producer Isis didn't hit record
and I did like probably the greatest intro that I've
ever done on anything ever. It was so clean, I
sounded so profreshed. Anyway, this is More Better, a podcast
where we stop pretending to try to have it all together.
You know what you're listening to. It's us trying to
(00:54):
be better at life. That's a Romeo laughing in the background,
and that is Stephanie Beatrice. Hey, y'all, I'm just drinking
my coffee. Sorry, you're in rare form today. I really am.
This is what we got. Here's my life hack for
(01:14):
those of you don't that have trouble working out in
the morning. I did it. I bought myself a tiny
little espresso maker. It's one of those little boopy do
you just press them in the boot bump bump, and
then you're done, and I have a shot of espresso
at seven am, and then I walk my ass downstairs
to the basement and fucking work out, yep, and so
(01:36):
then I have my regular coffee later, which is why
I am in rear form right now. Yeah, I like it.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
I hate that little No, I'm the same sometimes I am.
If I'm I'm going our setup is in the garage,
or even if I'm going to a class, I just
I do this thing where I almost like try to
turn my brain off. I don't think about where I'm going.
I just am like, put one foot in front of
(02:03):
the other, bitch, drink your coffee, get in the car,
and then you will get there and you will have
no choice. You have no choice because you are just
there and you will do the thing. Maybe you'll do
it well today, maybe you won't, but you did it.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
You did it. That's why I think a lot of
the time. Why it's my workout closer and the drawer
and they're like all everything's together, like the socks are
right above where the pants are and the bras are
and it's just grab grab, don't think, go downstairs, Like
I don't have to think because if I have to
think about trying to do it. It's not gonna happen
(02:37):
because I have to think twice. I mean I had
to think twice this month. I was like I want
to and Brad was like, you better do it. You're
gonna be sad that you didn't do it. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
The workout closes is another one too. Sometimes I'll just
put workout clothes on to go drop the kids off,
and then there's something about having the outfit on that
where I'm like.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Well, no, I gotta do it. I gotta do it. Yeah,
otherwise I gotta get dressed. I'm off actually, so if
I put them on and then I'm like, oh, work
out later, I never do. Oh, I'm just like I
just I'm like living at my ladies ladies who lunch
moment and I'm like, I don't know, I'm just like
running errands and my yoga pants, you know, like I
can't I have to do I have to do it first.
(03:16):
I have to do it first thing otherwise it's not
gonna happen. Or I can sign up for a class
like in the evening or something, but oh, that's my favorite,
Like signing up for the class and then you know,
you spend the money. Yeah, and you're like, now I
have to go. Two days ago, I was sitting in
our front yard and uh so nice outside of sitting
in our front yard and Brad and Ross came out
(03:38):
and Brad handed me in Appearl Sprits and I was like,
oh my god. It was so I did it. And
then I was like shit because I signed up for
You're like the epsy doodle that was. That did kind
of suck because I was like, dang, I can't go now, like, yeah,
(03:59):
what we're gonna do? I can't I mean not drink
your approls. Yeah, in the beautiful day and Friday think
about it until like halfway through the approl sprits, you know,
oh yeah, yeah, and it's over. It's over. Yeah, It's okay,
you're human. It's fine, I'm human. What have you done lately?
That's more better? I guess we just talked about it, honestly, yeah,
kind of you know. I are you working on in
(04:22):
the ATL are you doing? Do people call it this?
Does everyone just hate me for calling it this? I
don't know. I haven't been here long enough. I don't
think people say at L Nobody calls it that that's
so dumb. That's the air, that's very the atl What
am I doing? What is the I don't know, how's
it going in the lax yi.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yike.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
I was on a really good run of working out
and then was working a lot, and it just it
hasn't really happened in uh, probably more than two weeks,
which sucks because that means, first of all, there's that
fun thing where you get like I get like achy
(05:07):
and like little pains when I'm not working out.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I don't know what that's about. Is it just like.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Getting older or is it like because you've been working
out and then your body gets used to I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
I don't know, but my knee's hurt and yeah cool.
And then I just know that whenever I do work out,
it's going to suck so bad.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
Yeah those first few workouts and uh, and then you
just have to like push through and you feel like
you're starting over and you're like more sore, even though
you're like, all I did was a.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Fucking squat, not even multiple squats. I did a squat,
and now I can't walk and you feel bad about
yourself and it fucking sucks.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
And then you just have to like push through that phase.
And so like that's where I am now, Like I
just know that that is, uh where I am headed.
Whenever I well, next week, I have some time. I'm
next week, so I know I'm going to work out
next week and it's gonna suck.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
It's gonna suck. What if you had acceptance of the suckage,
you know what I mean, hadical acceptance of the suckage. Yes,
you just have to sort of go, okay, this is
what I mean, Like if you want, because I straight
up will resist, I'll be like, oh no, it's going
to be so hard. It's and then like three weeks
have passed by. That's where I'm at right now. Because
(06:24):
I was like in my closet trying on clothes and
I was like, this skirt doesn't fit. I don't understand,
Like I guess this up in the same way. I mean,
I got it on, but it didn't it wasn't giving
what I wanted it to give. So I was like,
what is going on? How could this be? And I
was like it's because I haven't been waking out at all.
(06:45):
I was like not doing anything. So you know, that
combined with like a sedentary lifestyle. It's probably gonna change.
It's going to happen. You know it's going to happen.
But yeah, I don't today. Yeah, I just had to
sort of go whoa, Yeah, okay, like, let's do this
more better? Why why would I have done anything more better?
(07:09):
I'm just hanging out in my house. I mean it's
been nice. I've got therapy, you.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Know, Like, listen, you have earned a RESTful period, a
RESTful season, and you are making the most of it.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
And I think that that's amazing. I am making the
most of it. Ish Yeah, yeah, I mean, listen, have
ever did I buy three thirty inch necklaces off of
atsy yesterday because they were each price to twenty dollars? Yes?
I did making the most of it. I made the
most of it. I'm going on a tangent. Guys, Come on,
(07:45):
this is three technically this is the third espresso, so
more better. What are we talking about today?
Speaker 3 (07:56):
We are talking about something a little heavy.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
It comes from a listener. We'll see, We'll see, John
accept it. Today's topic comes from a listener. And as
a reminder, if you listeners out there, whoever you may be,
need help with something in your life or you have
an idea for us, Please.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Send us an email at Morebetter Pod at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
You can include a voice note and we will feature
it on the pod. And today we have an email.
Shall I read it? Yes? Read it? Okay?
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It is from Rachel, Hi, Stephanie, Melissa and team. I've
really enjoyed the More Better podcast, so thank you all
for your hard work. I have a question I've been
mulling over for a while and would love any advice
or even just shared stories some context for you. My
husband and I just got married in October twenty twenty four,
(08:54):
which was amazing Corets, congrats. We had been together for
about six years before getting married, and we lived together
for two years as well.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Fairy sound.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
I am white and my husband is Indian. Born in
India but grew up in the US. From the start
of our relationship, my parents had always been pretty chill
about cultural and religious differences and quickly.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Came to love him. His parents were not thrilled with
me being white and Christian, but came to love and
accept me as well. We planned our wedding to honor
both cultures, with two different ceremonies and including different traditions
from both sides, gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Cool. My family had been relatively hands off during a
wedding process, and I perceived them as being laid back
about everything until just two days.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Before my wedding.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Oh God, I'm scared. My parents expressed fears over our
combined wedding and how I seem to be quote losing
myself and my faith because we were doing a lot
of traditional Hindu rituals as well. Oh my Okay, needless
to say, this horribly upset me. Of course it did,
and I felt extremely betrayed by this sudden opinion. I
(10:05):
feel like it came from them being uncomfortable and avoiding
it since we planned the wedding for over a year
and did not hide anything totally. Yeah, trying to keep
a long story short ish. All the wedding festivities went
beautifully and both families had an amazing time. However, months after,
I'm still processing and working through the hurt that came
(10:26):
right before we got married. So with this backstory, my
question is, how do you handle sharing parts of your
culture or loved ones, culture, beliefs, et cetera with those
outside of it. Any advice for navigating multicultural families or
friend groups. How to handle criticism with it. Thank you
for taking the time to read this, Rachel.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Ooh, Rachel, how to handle criticism with it? You could
just be like, don't be so closed minded, you fucking
closed minded. Button. That's dialogue, though, don't do that out loud.
Don't do that out loud. Yeah, so sucks.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Sucks.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
My heart goes out to Rachel. That's a really tough thing.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
I'm so sorry your family sprung that on you two
days before your.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Wedding, which you know what, I feel like that's.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Always the case though, like not just with this topic,
but like anytime, particularly, I don't know what weddings do
to parents. They will like sit on their opinion, sit
on their opinions until they become like they burst right
before the wedding like a boil, like a packfle and then.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
You're just like, what the fuck? First of all, this
is not your wedding, it's out wedding. And second of all,
why don't.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
You say this shit to begin with? This is a
lesson and don't keep shit inside. Say what you think
or feel in a nice, appropriate, empathetic way, because you're
supposed to be my family.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Damn. I am in a marriage where my family is
Bolivian and Colombian and my husband's family is not, but
they are. I think he's like, I don't know, the
dnahs is hilarious. It's like undred percent European, you know.
But you know, there's different kinds of people have different
(12:20):
reactions to being introduced to new cultures. I think one
of the cool things about having a kid is that, uh,
I can see how heavy my influence kind of lands
with my kids. You know, the things that I say
(12:41):
and how I am around her inform how she feels
about the world too, because like at this point, I'm
her hero, you know, Like, right, they listen to everything
that we say. You know, however you're parents feel about
(13:02):
your husband, and however his parents felt about you, they
each did a good enough job of raising two people
that like, we're interested and curious about the world and
fell in love with someone that was unlike themselves. And yeah,
and like you should put yourself on the back about that, right,
(13:23):
you know, Like you and Ross are in love? And
did you like that that I named him Ross? Just
then I was like, wait, you and Ross are deeply
in love? And yeah, I mean this is such a
(13:43):
hard question because, like you know, in my experience, most
of the time, people are pretty interested and open, but
have some fear, you know, because it's being introduced to
cultures that are not like yourself. Your can be like, yes,
what's this going to be? I'm not used to it.
I don't know what it is, you know, Yes, I
(14:07):
don't know where this lands. Like I don't I've never
had an experience like this before. I'm a little nervous
or worried or like I don't know how to be,
you know. And the less you've been exposed to different
cultures in your own life, the more fear you're going
to have about it. So like, yeah, you know, if
(14:28):
the only exposure you have to other cultures is going
out to eat at different kinds of restaurants, like that's
gonna be hard for you when you get to a
wedding that is very, very different culturally than your own.
I just yeah, like it's hard because like it sounds
like what happened is they had a bunch of feelings
(14:50):
and then they like busted out with them two days
before the wedding. All you can continue to do and
it sounds like everybody had fun at the wedding. So like,
all you can continue to do is slowly gently foster
a environment in which when your husband's uh culture and
(15:15):
and like traditions. Yeah, parts of that are like involved.
You can choose which way to go about it, right,
Like if you you can choose to be it sucks
because it lands on you.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Right, Like it's going to be like a little bit
more emotional labor for Rachel. Yes, this is what this is,
and this is what this is, and here's some you know,
like here's some explanations of this, and like I want
you know, like and this is why I like this
and this is what I how it's important to it
and why we we think it's important to include in
(15:51):
our life for our children's life.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
And yeah, and just like hold their hand a little bit. Maybe, Yeah,
the hand holding is restrating because you want to be like,
what the fuck? The Internet's right there, you guys, But
can you do some of this work? You can you
utilize Google a little bit? Yeah, the handholding. It also
does make it personal. So in my experience with for example,
(16:16):
some of my husband's family, they've been really curious and
they just don't know. And so when I talk about
it it's fun for them to be, you know, interested,
They're interested, they want to know more. They have like,
they have questions. Some of their questions are hilarious, but
I try to answer them as best I can, you know,
(16:39):
even you know, I think the more that you can
accept that they're trying it sounds like they're trying, the
more that you can come at them with like a
less frustrated, more kind of like open. But at the
(17:02):
same time, it's like, you know, some of your parents
maybe prejudices are showing through if they're saying things like
we're afraid we're gonna lose you, We're afraid we're gonna
you know, like, depending on certain people's religions, it can
feel like a battle for somebody's soul to be like,
oh no, you have to be a practicing xyz, you know,
(17:26):
and that can get really tricky and sticky. And I
don't really have any advice about that because I don't
practice a specific religion. So yeah, I don't know, do you.
I don't even know. Do you You're not like, I
don't know. No, we don't really practice.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
We have religious traditions that we love, but yeah, yes, yeah,
spiritual perhaps, but I've definitely seen that dynamic with some
Jewish friends I have that have married non Jewish people,
and it, you know, can be tricky. And some of
(18:02):
them celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish holidays and sort
of do like a combined thing, and some have just
fully converted, and you know, I think, yeah, the religious
part can be really tricky.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
And ultimately though, like since you and.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Ross got married, you this is the start of your family. Yeah,
and it is a blended family and outside of and
it can be hard and tricky, but you two will
decide together what your combined life and culture and traditions
are going to look like and what makes sense for you.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
And people are gonna have fucking opinions about it.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
And you know, and it's we're not here to today
like that's gonna be easy, Like it's not, you know,
I'm sure it's gonna be tough at times, particularly if
there's any traditions you choose to not do anymore or
engage in or replace maybe with some that you connect
(19:09):
with more from your husband's side. Like, however it all
lays out, I think boundaries kind of come into play here,
and like reminding yourself that this is, especially if you
have kids, like this is, or even if you don't
have kids, this is your new family unit, right, and
it's your new life and it's how you want it
(19:31):
to look and be and and you know it's hey,
and that's okay, and you can still have empathy for
your families and their opinions. But then eventually you have
to get to the point where it's like I hear you,
I empathize, I'm sorry you're upset, but this is our life.
(19:52):
It's my life. It's now or ever. I ain't gonna
live forever. This is my life. This is how yeah,
this this is how we want to live our life.
And these are the things that we want to include
in our life. And that just you know, it is
what it is. And you know there's lots of families
I think that have to navigate that, and hopefully everyone
(20:14):
will come to a place where you know, they see
the value in it, especially like if they see you happy,
they see you guys happy and you have a happy life,
hopefully they are open and love you enough to see
that you're doing what's best for you and your family.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Did you realize that I did a bon Jovi John
bon Jovi quote just son, No, it's my life. It's
now or never.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
I'm going to God, how did I miss that? Can
I hand in my jersey card?
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Jesus?
Speaker 3 (20:45):
I can't sing it, you guys, because we'll have to
pay sorry to the State of New Jersey, very Jersey girl, and.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
To bon Jovi for not clocking that. Oh God, I'm embarrassed.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Or better better.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
I think part of this, like especially with marriages and
people making their new family. Yes, it's like some families
do have a and this is like across the board
and lots of different cultures, they have a sort of
like you owe it to us to live your life
(21:28):
the way that we've taught you, you know, right, And.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
That's harry on the family, the way we built the family.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
And it's very tricky, right, Like I mean, tricky is
not the word that I want to use, but I
don't know what word to use. It's fucking frustrating, and
like you've got to decide whether or not you're going
to do that, whether you're going to say, yes, my
parents have ultimate control of my marriage, or if you're
(21:59):
going to say no, that's not okay for me, you know.
And and I don't know what it sounds like. It
sounds like, you know, Rachel and Ross, what you want
out of your lives, Like you guys met each other,
and even though his parents at first were like you
guys were like, we're getting married, we love each other.
(22:19):
For some people, it's more complex than that. It might
be more challenging than that. I will say, I'm certainly
I know people that are estranged from their families because
of it, you know, and that's really really tough. But
those are the choices that you ultimately have to make,
(22:40):
because I think if you want to be the kind
of person that is that you describe yourself as, like
I'm open minded, I want to learn about the world,
I want to learn about different cultures, I want to
learn about this kind of stuff. Like, then that's a
that's you get to choose that for your life. And
there's some people that don't want that, you know, Like
we're seeing it more and more all over the world
(23:02):
right now. They're like, it's my way or the highway,
it's this way, and everybody else's way is wrong, which
I don't really understand because, like you know, if you
look at historically the history of people on the planet,
that's just not how we do it. We don't really
do it like that. So trying to fit a square
peg in a round hole is a bit strange in
(23:24):
that way. I think if you're a listener of this podcast,
you probably skew kind of like open minded if you're
at this point in the podcast and you don't I
don't really know why you're hanging around, but maybe like
the sounds of our voices, what can we do? Maybe
they're melodious. I just feel like there's and there's lots
(23:47):
of ways to integrate two different cultures, three different cultures,
four different cultures in your family, right, Like there's ways
of of like you know, choosing picking and choosing like
what you want to celebrate how you want to. I mean,
like listen, we are not My family is not pagan.
(24:10):
But there's some cool like pagan winter Solstice things that
we did this year because I thought they were really
interesting for Roz to hear about, like the wheel of
time and like my stuff that I don't really know about,
but I wanted to introduce the ideas to her a
little bit, and like you know, just sort of like
learning about like where religious holidays come from, and like
(24:35):
how they've evolved over the years and listen choose three.
So like it was like Chapin's books, you know, and
me looking at books too, and you know, I'm fascinated
and interested in different cultures and how they celebrate and
like how how like different cultures have echoes of similar
things in you know, there's so many For example, there's
so many winter ish around wintertime celebrations that had to
(25:00):
with light and light coming back, like going away, the
celebration of light. What light means, like human beings are
all we're also connected. And I don't know, I just
think like the finding the similarities and different kinds of
cultures can be interesting too. That could be maybe a
way to kind of like attack it with family that's
(25:21):
like what is this? I don't know what this is?
You know? Oh yeah, yeah. And I have to wonder too,
like going back to their.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Reaction a couple of days before the wedding, kind of
off of what you said, Stephanie, is a little bit
I have to wonder too if it's maybe just more
that feeling of being uncomfortable and maybe it was more projection,
Maybe it was more about them than it actually is
(25:52):
about you know, you know it.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Always is right.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Like I can remember, you know, first time I was
at like a cultural wedding and feeling like, oh am
I going to mess up? Oh I don't know the
dances or I don't know what comes next, and everyone
else seems too and it's uncomfortable. And it's really easy
to go to a place because you're a human being
of like.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
I don't like this, I don't you know, like why
why do they have to do this?
Speaker 3 (26:17):
But that's just like resistance, you know, that's just like
being uncomfortable, and it can be hard sometimes.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
To just like, oh, nobody wants to be uncomfortable. Nobody
wants to be uncomfortable humanity like constantly avoiding any kind
of still avoiding that, you know what I mean. And
so maybe that was about like are they gonna look dumb,
you know, and some of the more traditional Indian aspects
of the wedding and are they going to mess up?
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Or are they going to do the wrong thing? And
like maybe it was about that, you know, to give
them the benefit of the doubt, and like.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Maybe or maybe they'd always imagined you know you and
some kind of like right cific church setting and now
they're not getting exactly what they want and they can't
kind of they have to come to deal with.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
It, yes, and they have to like rewire the image
and their brains and like, Okay, it's gonna look like this,
And off topic just for a second, though, I have
always wanted to go to a fucking Indian wedding.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
They look so bomb and so fun. South Asian parties
period are just the best and greatest parties.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I don't know what it is. I just I really
the color, it's so beautiful. It's like anyways, that was
just a side tangent side. Do you want to invite.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Me to your You're beautiful? Glorious? You're beautiful glorious? I was.
When I got married. My mom was like, well, you're
not going to do it in a church and I
was like no. She's like, why You're not gonna have
a priest and I was like, no, we don't. We
don't practice, Like yeah, we're not, We're not doing that,
(27:55):
and like she had a hard time with that. She
had a really hard time with it, you know at first. Yeah,
So sometimes it really is just like your parents having
these expectations or dreams of you know, they've been around
you since you were little, and.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
They sure this day about it, you know, particularly with girls.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Yeah, and it's true. It's it's really like, it can
be challenging to let go of your own expectations of
your children as a mother. And she's only three, so
you know, you're a grown person. It can be challenging
for my mom to let go of expectations of me.
And I'm a grown, grown, grown person, you know, and
(28:36):
she still thinks of me as like a ten year old.
My sister had an eight year old, you know, So
there's a it's a fine line between like cutting them
some slack and also knowing when to be like whoa bro? No,
like not that's sokay, prejudice, you're not opening your mind.
I need you to do harder work because you're going
(28:58):
to lose our relationship.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
You know.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
I'm not saying like to make threats or anything, but
I do think it's like, yeah, I think calling about yeah,
bulling them in. And you know, everyone's like family's everything,
family has everything, and family is everything. Family is so special.
But that doesn't mean family can do anything exactly, you
know that part that part, it doesn't mean that they
(29:21):
can't treat you badly. They can't manipulate you into They
shouldn't manipulate you into doing what they want. You're not
an extension of your parents. You're your own person. You're
your own person. You're not an extension of your parents.
And I think particularly for people that you know are
(29:41):
coming into their own and being grown ups now, I
think I don't think that their parents knew that, right.
I think everybody thought, oh, well, my kid is a
little me, you know, an extension of me, And.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Yeah, it really is like a newer concept. I think
of trying to parent from a place of thinking of
our childre and as their own individuals and their own people,
and that really our jobs as parents are to get
to know them. Yeah, steward steward them through life. But
it's not our lives, not at all. I mean, I
will say, like, isis our producer. I just sent us
(30:17):
this article from very well mind that is about how
when your parents disapprove of your marriage, not saying that
yours due, but because we're talking about this kind of stuff,
it can be really challenging and it can take a
toll on your marriage, Like it could be really tricky.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
That's stupid word, but the article is really cool because
like the main points in it are, like, help your
parents get to know your partner. Consider counseling, Like that's
something to consider, right, Like if they're open to it,
plan for the future, like you can, you know, like
if there is a wedge between your parents and your
(31:00):
like maybe you don't force your spouse to go with
you to events that are more of your family and
you know they are going to be like hard on
your spouse. You know, I'm not saying that this is
Rachel and Ross's experience because but maybe it's Monica and Chandler's.
I don't know, you know, like I would say, I
(31:23):
think that this is the quote that I thought was
really cool from this article. Don't allow your parents' reservations
to destroy your relationship with your fiance or spouse. Studies
show the parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism,
and conflict in a marriage. But it can and also
can be a reoccurring topic of your arguments that can
drive a wedge between you both if that happens, considered
seeing a marriage counselor. I think it's really important to
(31:48):
talk about this stuff with your partner. Even though it
might be like, and you guys, obviously they have it,
sounds like, but continuing that conversation as you're marriage goes
along as your parents, both both of you as your parents' age,
and continuing to talk about, like how you want to
integrate both of your cultures so that both of you
(32:11):
feel seen in the relationship is really important, you know,
Like I spend so much time in my childhood and
adolescents assimilating and now as an adult, I really really
desire a connection to much more of my own Latini dad,
(32:32):
because I want my daughter to have access to it
in a way that feels not like she's having to
necessarily pick up a book and read about it, but
that she has memories and experiences from holidays. It's a
part of her life. That's a part of her life. Yeah,
that's part of her you know. And like, and some
(32:53):
of those aren't necessarily my own cultural traditions, but that
I've adopted because I'm LEATINGO in the United States, and
I want, you know, I want her to celebrate the
little Mortals and I think it's a really beautiful holiday,
and like that's important saying and yeah, she is she
recognizes now that that's coming and she's excited about it
(33:13):
and wants to like be a part of it.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
Yeah, I think the other uh.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Sorry, tricky thing And this.
Speaker 3 (33:33):
In some of these family dynamics too, is also finding
the moments like yes, having complete open communication with your spouse,
but also being careful to not become the thing that's
like between your spouse and their parents, you.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Know, like I mean, well that can try but yeah,
so it can.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Well, I think it can be some you know, if
your mother in law you know, says something where to you,
you know, you might have to decide whether you just
like keep that to yourself or share it with your husband,
you know.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
What I mean, Like depends on your boundaries your own personally.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
I think it becomes to your own yes, like where
where obviously if the line is crossed, like yeah, to
share that with your spouse, but.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
But what's your line? But what's your line? You know?
Speaker 3 (34:28):
If it's just kind of like I didn't that bothered me?
You know, you know you're gonna have to decide like
the areas that you just like choose to deal with yourself. Yeah,
as your own person and your own person married who
is married to him?
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Right? And the things that you let go or just kind.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
Of like I'm just gonna like push that. I'm not
gonna give that any power. I'm not going to give
that any you know space.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
It's a hard one. It can be a hard one.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
It can be, and then you know what to really
bring because also I think it can get uh, unintentionally
harder if you know you are creating even more at
tension between your spouse and their parents too, Like that
can be that can be tricky to navigate like that
(35:18):
dynamic because they have their whole relationship, their whole life,
all the hardships they've been through. Sure, and you know,
I think are you adding to the plate? You mean, yes,
you know, are you adding to the plate?
Speaker 1 (35:31):
You know?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
And sometimes I think you have to be selective and
thoughtful about what battles to choose.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
Totally makes sense. That's a good point. That's a good point.
I mean I would say, you know, if it's if
it's about if it's just like about like you know,
I don't know, normal in law kind of stuff, that's
something right, right, If it's about well, it's about I
(36:00):
don't want you teaching you know, she should learn Spanish,
you know, like because she's an American, which is like
what you know, like and I think like that that's uh,
you know having I mean, speaking from personal experience, there's
only so much like choking down that you should allow
(36:23):
yourself to do. Yeah, some of that is just gnarly right.
I have a friend who she's got a kid, and
her kid loves hanging out with her cousins. But the
cousin's parents are like pretty uh, they're they can be
(36:44):
very close minded about the way that little girls should
should be allowed to dress, for example, And Okay, that's
really difficult for my friend because as somebody who she
just like is like lives in her own body and
like it is like she kind of can't help that.
She's like a babe and like she just is who
(37:06):
she is. And she also doesn't project sexuality onto her child,
you know, right, and this these family members kind of
are like her shorts are too short, her shirt is
too short, you know, like whatever, whatever, And it's like, uh,
you know, that's a for them. It's like a religious
(37:26):
difference in like how that particular family feels feels is okay, right,
But for my friend, she's like, well then I'm just
going to take her out of that situation because like, yeah,
I'm not going to have her for her, for her
and her family, it's not it doesn't feel right to
have her have to change the way she's freely dressing
(37:51):
in the summer because of that, right cause she's a
little girl, she's like kid. So yeah, you have to
kind of like pick your battles, like you said, but
you also like don't. I mean, I would encourage you
not to bend over backwards because it does get worse.
Meaning like it people will if you give them an inch,
(38:14):
they'll take a mile, and so you do have to.
I'm really glad that Rachel went through with the wedding
the way she wanted to go through with it, the
way they wanted to.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
Ye.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Yes, like, kudos to you. Pow yourself on the back. Yeah,
because people will, they will stick their nose in and
be like you should do it this way, you should
be living this way. I don't like this, I don't
want this. And if you give them an inch, they
will take a mile and they'll be like, oh, well
she listened to me about this. I wanted to listen
to me about this other thing, now, you know.
Speaker 3 (38:43):
And let's also before we wrap up talk about is
just gave us. Also some great articles here about the
benefits of biculturalism.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Oh yeah, are so many.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
So there's one hear the psychological impact of Biculturalism Evidence
and theory.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
The alternation model, which means biculturalism, is a model that
suggests that a person can become proficient into different cultures
without having to sacrifice their original cultural identity or feel
forced to choose one over the other, essentially allowing them
to comfortably navigate both cultures depending on the situation. I
(39:28):
love this quote because I feel like it just you know,
I think that's so true. I think the more cultures
were exposed to, the more people that are different from us,
the more flexible, flexible, and proficient we can become. You can,
you know, and don't you ultimately want that for your kid?
You want them to be able to go into any
room and be comfortable with the people that are there
(39:50):
and not feel like out of place or you know,
or be able to you know. This is where like
the idea of code switching even comes from, you know,
which is a lot of bicultural people sort of do
annoying naturally naturally right, It's like they just flow between
different groups of people. And I think in that there's
(40:11):
also a lot of open mindedness tolerance, right, Like we're
just teaching you know, to kind of love everyone, right
and like judge people based on like their character and
their their actions or words rather than you know, all
these ex external things. And so I think that there's
a lot of benefits from multiculturalism or biculturalism that can
(40:39):
come from your sort of blended family. And like, what a.
Speaker 3 (40:43):
Beautiful experience if you choose to have kids, what you uh,
what a beautiful experience in life you're going to give them,
you know, and what a special person you're going to
set out in the world when they're grown.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
I think also, you know, in terms of handling when
people are critical, there's a lot of whisk go about it.
To me, I always defer to humor, sure, but I
think humor and honesty together is sort of like the
most direct route. I feel like, like, uh, you know,
(41:19):
if if somebody is saying something like really specifically to
me prejudiced, then I give myself the aokay, the highest
sign to be like yes to do it, Stephanie, And
I'm like, WHOA, I do not think that means what
you think it means, you know, we're some kind of
like riff on, like whoa, I know you didn't mean
(41:42):
to say it like that, and then dig a little
deeper and see if they did mean to say it
like that, and then it can become at least a
back and forth at least some conversation happens. Yeah. Man,
but like in terms of uh, you know, navigating multicultural
families or friend groups, like like I don't know, like
(42:02):
I'm I My default is always like listen, like mouth
closed and eyes open and ears open, and like listen,
like listen to people's experiences, Listen to how people are
talking to each other, Listen to what the vibe is.
Try to catch the vibe. You know, don't make it
about you, make it about learning about them. You know.
(42:25):
It's the same kind of thing that you were talking
about Melissa about her parents possibly being nervous about the wedding. Yeah,
it's like, well, then just use it as an opportunity,
use this like hang out, use this moment to like
learn And doesn't mean you're like taking notes necessarily, Yeah,
but maybe in your head you are a little like
see just learn see and like get to know these people.
(42:47):
As people, not just like a wash of like this culture, right,
Like it's like individually like paying attention to like because
you know, every family has its culture. Every family, like
every unit of friends has its own culture, right like
every everybody Like in my house, we take our shoes off,
you know, Like yeah, there's little things that belong to
(43:08):
every group that are signs of them being a group together,
and you know, like trying to stay open to what
they can teach you about themselves. So I think that's
like kind of the fun of like you so like
the fun of getting to know people and being alive,
Like what are you doing? You're just like hanging on
(43:29):
your house like just by yourself, like reading Mad magazine,
Like no offense, Mad magazine, but you know what you
what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (43:39):
Yeah, and I yeah, I've always felt like I don't know,
it makes my life every time I get to meet
someone who's feels very different from me. I don't know,
there's like growth in that, right, Like yeah, it's cool.
It like fills fills your cup in a different way,
makes your life a little fuller, you know, And it's
(43:59):
just find I find those experiences and those encounters exciting,
you know, and I don't know, maybe there's a way
to have conversations with your parents, Rachel, where you can
steer it more in that direction, you know, like, look
at how exciting this is. Doesn't have to be scary
or you know, just because it's different, Like it's you know,
(44:23):
you would never have had this experience in your life,
and now you're getting to have this whole new experience
and it's not taking anything away, it's just adding. It's
all adding, yeah, you know, and you know, keep keep
it more about that.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
Wow, we solved it for you, Rachel and Ross. We
fucking solved it. We solved we solved it. You're welcome, welcome.
Look out for our bill. It'll be coming in the mail.
More better, I feel like, I mean, I hope we
(45:04):
gave her some solid me too advice. But that was hard,
and like, yeah, it's hard. It's hard. Everybody's dealing with
it in some way or another, you know. Yeah, yeah, friends, families.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
This is a real multicultural world, real multicultural country.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Open yourself up or get left behind, babe.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
Hey, I feel yeah, I feel a little bit more better.
I was a little intimidated by this one.
Speaker 1 (45:32):
I don't know. It was kind of an interesting one
to talk out though.
Speaker 3 (45:35):
It was something yeah that I've definitely encountered, but not
necessarily I think unpacked or thought about a lot.
Speaker 1 (45:42):
I've about it a lot. I know you. And with that,
dear listeners, we leave you thanks for thanks for tuning in.
And like Mossa said, if you guys have questions that
you want to ask us, or like topics you want
to cover whatever, like, come on, maybe we'll do like
a like anp words just listener questions and we'll just
(46:04):
like yeah, fast, fasty fire those I love that idea.
Oh okay, get ready for that one. Guys, see you
next time.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Bye bye, More More Better.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
Do you have something you'd like to be more better
at that you want us to talk about in a
future episode.
Speaker 3 (46:20):
Can you relate to our struggles or have you tried
one of our tips and tricks?
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Shoot us your thoughts and ideas at Morebetter pod at
gmail dot com and include a voice note if you
want to be featured on the pod. Ooh More Better
with Stephanie Melissa is a production from Wvsound and iHeartMedia's
Mikutura podcast network, hosted by me Steffie Beatriz and Melissa
Kumera More Better is produced by Isis Madrid and Sophie
Spencer Zagos. Our executive producers are Wilmer Valderrama and Leo
(46:47):
Klem at Wvsound. This episode was edited by Isis Madrid
and engineered by Sean Tracy and features original music by
Madison Davenport and Halo Boy. Our cover art is by
Vincent Remys and photography by Davis. For more podcasts from iHeart,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows. See you next week, Sucker up, bye,
Did you realize that I did upon Jovi John bon
Jovi quote, just then, No, it's my life. It's now ormember,
I'm I ain't gonna god, how did I miss that?
Where can I hand in my jersey card?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Jesus more Better, More Better?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Just for posterity reasons, I want on the recording for
everyone to know that our producer Isis didn't hit record
and I did like probably the greatest intro that I've
ever done on anything ever. It was so clean, I
sounded so profreshed. Anyway, this is More Better, a podcast
where we stop pretending to try to have it all together.
You know what you're listening to. It's us trying to
(00:54):
be better at life. That's a Romeo laughing in the background,
and that is Stephanie Beatrice. Hey, y'all, I'm just drinking
my coffee. Sorry, you're in rare form today. I really am.
This is what we got. Here's my life hack for
(01:14):
those of you don't that have trouble working out in
the morning. I did it. I bought myself a tiny
little espresso maker. It's one of those little boopy do
you just press them in the boot bump bump, and
then you're done, and I have a shot of espresso
at seven am, and then I walk my ass downstairs
to the basement and fucking work out, yep, and so
(01:36):
then I have my regular coffee later, which is why
I am in rear form right now. Yeah, I like it.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
I hate that little No, I'm the same sometimes I am.
If I'm I'm going our setup is in the garage,
or even if I'm going to a class, I just
I do this thing where I almost like try to
turn my brain off. I don't think about where I'm going.
I just am like, put one foot in front of
(02:03):
the other, bitch, drink your coffee, get in the car,
and then you will get there and you will have
no choice. You have no choice because you are just
there and you will do the thing. Maybe you'll do
it well today, maybe you won't, but you did it.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
You did it. That's why I think a lot of
the time. Why it's my workout closer and the drawer
and they're like all everything's together, like the socks are
right above where the pants are and the bras are
and it's just grab grab, don't think, go downstairs, Like
I don't have to think because if I have to
think about trying to do it. It's not gonna happen
(02:37):
because I have to think twice. I mean I had
to think twice this month. I was like I want
to and Brad was like, you better do it. You're
gonna be sad that you didn't do it. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
The workout closes is another one too. Sometimes I'll just
put workout clothes on to go drop the kids off,
and then there's something about having the outfit on that
where I'm like.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Well, no, I gotta do it. I gotta do it. Yeah,
otherwise I gotta get dressed. I'm off actually, so if
I put them on and then I'm like, oh, work
out later, I never do. Oh, I'm just like I
just I'm like living at my ladies ladies who lunch
moment and I'm like, I don't know, I'm just like
running errands and my yoga pants, you know, like I
can't I have to do I have to do it first.
(03:16):
I have to do it first thing otherwise it's not
gonna happen. Or I can sign up for a class
like in the evening or something, but oh, that's my favorite,
Like signing up for the class and then you know,
you spend the money. Yeah, and you're like, now I
have to go. Two days ago, I was sitting in
our front yard and uh so nice outside of sitting
in our front yard and Brad and Ross came out
(03:38):
and Brad handed me in Appearl Sprits and I was like,
oh my god. It was so I did it. And
then I was like shit because I signed up for
You're like the epsy doodle that was. That did kind
of suck because I was like, dang, I can't go now, like, yeah,
(03:59):
what we're gonna do? I can't I mean not drink
your approls. Yeah, in the beautiful day and Friday think
about it until like halfway through the approl sprits, you know,
oh yeah, yeah, and it's over. It's over. Yeah, It's okay,
you're human. It's fine, I'm human. What have you done lately?
That's more better? I guess we just talked about it, honestly, yeah,
kind of you know. I are you working on in
(04:22):
the ATL are you doing? Do people call it this?
Does everyone just hate me for calling it this? I
don't know. I haven't been here long enough. I don't
think people say at L Nobody calls it that that's
so dumb. That's the air, that's very the atl What
am I doing? What is the I don't know, how's
it going in the lax yi.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yike.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
I was on a really good run of working out
and then was working a lot, and it just it
hasn't really happened in uh, probably more than two weeks,
which sucks because that means, first of all, there's that
fun thing where you get like I get like achy
(05:07):
and like little pains when I'm not working out.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I don't know what that's about. Is it just like.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Getting older or is it like because you've been working
out and then your body gets used to I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
I don't know, but my knee's hurt and yeah cool.
And then I just know that whenever I do work out,
it's going to suck so bad.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
Yeah those first few workouts and uh, and then you
just have to like push through and you feel like
you're starting over and you're like more sore, even though
you're like, all I did was a.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Fucking squat, not even multiple squats. I did a squat,
and now I can't walk and you feel bad about
yourself and it fucking sucks.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
And then you just have to like push through that phase.
And so like that's where I am now, Like I
just know that that is, uh where I am headed.
Whenever I well, next week, I have some time. I'm
next week, so I know I'm going to work out
next week and it's gonna suck.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
It's gonna suck. What if you had acceptance of the suckage,
you know what I mean, hadical acceptance of the suckage. Yes,
you just have to sort of go, okay, this is
what I mean, Like if you want, because I straight
up will resist, I'll be like, oh no, it's going
to be so hard. It's and then like three weeks
have passed by. That's where I'm at right now. Because
(06:24):
I was like in my closet trying on clothes and
I was like, this skirt doesn't fit. I don't understand,
Like I guess this up in the same way. I mean,
I got it on, but it didn't it wasn't giving
what I wanted it to give. So I was like,
what is going on? How could this be? And I
was like it's because I haven't been waking out at all.
(06:45):
I was like not doing anything. So you know, that
combined with like a sedentary lifestyle. It's probably gonna change.
It's going to happen. You know it's going to happen.
But yeah, I don't today. Yeah, I just had to
sort of go whoa, Yeah, okay, like, let's do this
more better? Why why would I have done anything more better?
(07:09):
I'm just hanging out in my house. I mean it's
been nice. I've got therapy, you.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Know, Like, listen, you have earned a RESTful period, a
RESTful season, and you are making the most of it.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
And I think that that's amazing. I am making the
most of it. Ish Yeah, yeah, I mean, listen, have
ever did I buy three thirty inch necklaces off of
atsy yesterday because they were each price to twenty dollars? Yes?
I did making the most of it. I made the
most of it. I'm going on a tangent. Guys, Come on,
(07:45):
this is three technically this is the third espresso, so
more better. What are we talking about today?
Speaker 3 (07:56):
We are talking about something a little heavy.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
It comes from a listener. We'll see, We'll see, John
accept it. Today's topic comes from a listener. And as
a reminder, if you listeners out there, whoever you may be,
need help with something in your life or you have
an idea for us, Please.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Send us an email at Morebetter Pod at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
You can include a voice note and we will feature
it on the pod. And today we have an email.
Shall I read it? Yes? Read it? Okay?
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It is from Rachel, Hi, Stephanie, Melissa and team. I've
really enjoyed the More Better podcast, so thank you all
for your hard work. I have a question I've been
mulling over for a while and would love any advice
or even just shared stories some context for you. My
husband and I just got married in October twenty twenty four,
(08:54):
which was amazing Corets, congrats. We had been together for
about six years before getting married, and we lived together
for two years as well.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Fairy sound.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
I am white and my husband is Indian. Born in
India but grew up in the US. From the start
of our relationship, my parents had always been pretty chill
about cultural and religious differences and quickly.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Came to love him. His parents were not thrilled with
me being white and Christian, but came to love and
accept me as well. We planned our wedding to honor
both cultures, with two different ceremonies and including different traditions
from both sides, gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Cool. My family had been relatively hands off during a
wedding process, and I perceived them as being laid back
about everything until just two days.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Before my wedding.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Oh God, I'm scared. My parents expressed fears over our
combined wedding and how I seem to be quote losing
myself and my faith because we were doing a lot
of traditional Hindu rituals as well. Oh my Okay, needless
to say, this horribly upset me. Of course it did,
and I felt extremely betrayed by this sudden opinion. I
(10:05):
feel like it came from them being uncomfortable and avoiding
it since we planned the wedding for over a year
and did not hide anything totally. Yeah, trying to keep
a long story short ish. All the wedding festivities went
beautifully and both families had an amazing time. However, months after,
I'm still processing and working through the hurt that came
(10:26):
right before we got married. So with this backstory, my
question is, how do you handle sharing parts of your
culture or loved ones, culture, beliefs, et cetera with those
outside of it. Any advice for navigating multicultural families or
friend groups. How to handle criticism with it. Thank you
for taking the time to read this, Rachel.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Ooh, Rachel, how to handle criticism with it? You could
just be like, don't be so closed minded, you fucking
closed minded. Button. That's dialogue, though, don't do that out loud.
Don't do that out loud. Yeah, so sucks.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Sucks.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
My heart goes out to Rachel. That's a really tough thing.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
I'm so sorry your family sprung that on you two
days before your.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Wedding, which you know what, I feel like that's.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Always the case though, like not just with this topic,
but like anytime, particularly, I don't know what weddings do
to parents. They will like sit on their opinion, sit
on their opinions until they become like they burst right
before the wedding like a boil, like a packfle and then.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
You're just like, what the fuck? First of all, this
is not your wedding, it's out wedding. And second of all,
why don't.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
You say this shit to begin with? This is a
lesson and don't keep shit inside. Say what you think
or feel in a nice, appropriate, empathetic way, because you're
supposed to be my family.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Damn. I am in a marriage where my family is
Bolivian and Colombian and my husband's family is not, but
they are. I think he's like, I don't know, the
dnahs is hilarious. It's like undred percent European, you know.
But you know, there's different kinds of people have different
(12:20):
reactions to being introduced to new cultures. I think one
of the cool things about having a kid is that, uh,
I can see how heavy my influence kind of lands
with my kids. You know, the things that I say
(12:41):
and how I am around her inform how she feels
about the world too, because like at this point, I'm
her hero, you know, Like, right, they listen to everything
that we say. You know, however you're parents feel about
(13:02):
your husband, and however his parents felt about you, they
each did a good enough job of raising two people
that like, we're interested and curious about the world and
fell in love with someone that was unlike themselves. And yeah,
and like you should put yourself on the back about that, right,
(13:23):
you know, Like you and Ross are in love? And
did you like that that I named him Ross? Just
then I was like, wait, you and Ross are deeply
in love? And yeah, I mean this is such a
(13:43):
hard question because, like you know, in my experience, most
of the time, people are pretty interested and open, but
have some fear, you know, because it's being introduced to
cultures that are not like yourself. Your can be like, yes,
what's this going to be? I'm not used to it.
I don't know what it is, you know, Yes, I
(14:07):
don't know where this lands. Like I don't I've never
had an experience like this before. I'm a little nervous
or worried or like I don't know how to be,
you know. And the less you've been exposed to different
cultures in your own life, the more fear you're going
to have about it. So like, yeah, you know, if
(14:28):
the only exposure you have to other cultures is going
out to eat at different kinds of restaurants, like that's
gonna be hard for you when you get to a
wedding that is very, very different culturally than your own.
I just yeah, like it's hard because like it sounds
like what happened is they had a bunch of feelings
(14:50):
and then they like busted out with them two days
before the wedding. All you can continue to do and
it sounds like everybody had fun at the wedding. So like,
all you can continue to do is slowly gently foster
a environment in which when your husband's uh culture and
(15:15):
and like traditions. Yeah, parts of that are like involved.
You can choose which way to go about it, right,
Like if you you can choose to be it sucks
because it lands on you.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Right, Like it's going to be like a little bit
more emotional labor for Rachel. Yes, this is what this is,
and this is what this is, and here's some you know,
like here's some explanations of this, and like I want
you know, like and this is why I like this
and this is what I how it's important to it
and why we we think it's important to include in
(15:51):
our life for our children's life.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
And yeah, and just like hold their hand a little bit. Maybe, Yeah,
the hand holding is restrating because you want to be like,
what the fuck? The Internet's right there, you guys, But
can you do some of this work? You can you
utilize Google a little bit? Yeah, the handholding. It also
does make it personal. So in my experience with for example,
(16:16):
some of my husband's family, they've been really curious and
they just don't know. And so when I talk about
it it's fun for them to be, you know, interested,
They're interested, they want to know more. They have like,
they have questions. Some of their questions are hilarious, but
I try to answer them as best I can, you know,
(16:39):
even you know, I think the more that you can
accept that they're trying it sounds like they're trying, the
more that you can come at them with like a
less frustrated, more kind of like open. But at the
(17:02):
same time, it's like, you know, some of your parents
maybe prejudices are showing through if they're saying things like
we're afraid we're gonna lose you, We're afraid we're gonna
you know, like, depending on certain people's religions, it can
feel like a battle for somebody's soul to be like,
oh no, you have to be a practicing xyz, you know,
(17:26):
and that can get really tricky and sticky. And I
don't really have any advice about that because I don't
practice a specific religion. So yeah, I don't know, do you.
I don't even know. Do you You're not like, I
don't know. No, we don't really practice.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
We have religious traditions that we love, but yeah, yes, yeah,
spiritual perhaps, but I've definitely seen that dynamic with some
Jewish friends I have that have married non Jewish people,
and it, you know, can be tricky. And some of
(18:02):
them celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish holidays and sort
of do like a combined thing, and some have just
fully converted, and you know, I think, yeah, the religious
part can be really tricky.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
And ultimately though, like since you and.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Ross got married, you this is the start of your family. Yeah,
and it is a blended family and outside of and
it can be hard and tricky, but you two will
decide together what your combined life and culture and traditions
are going to look like and what makes sense for you.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
And people are gonna have fucking opinions about it.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
And you know, and it's we're not here to today
like that's gonna be easy, Like it's not, you know,
I'm sure it's gonna be tough at times, particularly if
there's any traditions you choose to not do anymore or
engage in or replace maybe with some that you connect
(19:09):
with more from your husband's side. Like, however it all
lays out, I think boundaries kind of come into play here,
and like reminding yourself that this is, especially if you
have kids, like this is, or even if you don't
have kids, this is your new family unit, right, and
it's your new life and it's how you want it
(19:31):
to look and be and and you know it's hey,
and that's okay, and you can still have empathy for
your families and their opinions. But then eventually you have
to get to the point where it's like I hear you,
I empathize, I'm sorry you're upset, but this is our life.
(19:52):
It's my life. It's now or ever. I ain't gonna
live forever. This is my life. This is how yeah,
this this is how we want to live our life.
And these are the things that we want to include
in our life. And that just you know, it is
what it is. And you know there's lots of families
I think that have to navigate that, and hopefully everyone
(20:14):
will come to a place where you know, they see
the value in it, especially like if they see you happy,
they see you guys happy and you have a happy life,
hopefully they are open and love you enough to see
that you're doing what's best for you and your family.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Did you realize that I did a bon Jovi John
bon Jovi quote just son, No, it's my life. It's
now or never.
Speaker 3 (20:37):
I'm going to God, how did I miss that? Can
I hand in my jersey card?
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Jesus?
Speaker 3 (20:45):
I can't sing it, you guys, because we'll have to
pay sorry to the State of New Jersey, very Jersey girl, and.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
To bon Jovi for not clocking that. Oh God, I'm embarrassed.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Or better better.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
I think part of this, like especially with marriages and
people making their new family. Yes, it's like some families
do have a and this is like across the board
and lots of different cultures, they have a sort of
like you owe it to us to live your life
(21:28):
the way that we've taught you, you know, right, And.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
That's harry on the family, the way we built the family.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
And it's very tricky, right, Like I mean, tricky is
not the word that I want to use, but I
don't know what word to use. It's fucking frustrating, and
like you've got to decide whether or not you're going
to do that, whether you're going to say, yes, my
parents have ultimate control of my marriage, or if you're
(21:59):
going to say no, that's not okay for me, you know.
And and I don't know what it sounds like. It
sounds like, you know, Rachel and Ross, what you want
out of your lives, Like you guys met each other,
and even though his parents at first were like you
guys were like, we're getting married, we love each other.
(22:19):
For some people, it's more complex than that. It might
be more challenging than that. I will say, I'm certainly
I know people that are estranged from their families because
of it, you know, and that's really really tough. But
those are the choices that you ultimately have to make,
(22:40):
because I think if you want to be the kind
of person that is that you describe yourself as, like
I'm open minded, I want to learn about the world,
I want to learn about different cultures, I want to
learn about this kind of stuff. Like, then that's a
that's you get to choose that for your life. And
there's some people that don't want that, you know, Like
we're seeing it more and more all over the world
(23:02):
right now. They're like, it's my way or the highway,
it's this way, and everybody else's way is wrong, which
I don't really understand because, like you know, if you
look at historically the history of people on the planet,
that's just not how we do it. We don't really
do it like that. So trying to fit a square
peg in a round hole is a bit strange in
(23:24):
that way. I think if you're a listener of this podcast,
you probably skew kind of like open minded if you're
at this point in the podcast and you don't I
don't really know why you're hanging around, but maybe like
the sounds of our voices, what can we do? Maybe
they're melodious. I just feel like there's and there's lots
(23:47):
of ways to integrate two different cultures, three different cultures,
four different cultures in your family, right, Like there's ways
of of like you know, choosing picking and choosing like
what you want to celebrate how you want to. I mean,
like listen, we are not My family is not pagan.
(24:10):
But there's some cool like pagan winter Solstice things that
we did this year because I thought they were really
interesting for Roz to hear about, like the wheel of
time and like my stuff that I don't really know about,
but I wanted to introduce the ideas to her a
little bit, and like you know, just sort of like
learning about like where religious holidays come from, and like
(24:35):
how they've evolved over the years and listen choose three.
So like it was like Chapin's books, you know, and
me looking at books too, and you know, I'm fascinated
and interested in different cultures and how they celebrate and
like how how like different cultures have echoes of similar
things in you know, there's so many For example, there's
so many winter ish around wintertime celebrations that had to
(25:00):
with light and light coming back, like going away, the
celebration of light. What light means, like human beings are
all we're also connected. And I don't know, I just
think like the finding the similarities and different kinds of
cultures can be interesting too. That could be maybe a
way to kind of like attack it with family that's
(25:21):
like what is this? I don't know what this is?
You know? Oh yeah, yeah. And I have to wonder too,
like going back to their.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Reaction a couple of days before the wedding, kind of
off of what you said, Stephanie, is a little bit
I have to wonder too if it's maybe just more
that feeling of being uncomfortable and maybe it was more projection,
Maybe it was more about them than it actually is
(25:52):
about you know, you know it.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Always is right.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Like I can remember, you know, first time I was
at like a cultural wedding and feeling like, oh am
I going to mess up? Oh I don't know the
dances or I don't know what comes next, and everyone
else seems too and it's uncomfortable. And it's really easy
to go to a place because you're a human being
of like.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
I don't like this, I don't you know, like why
why do they have to do this?
Speaker 3 (26:17):
But that's just like resistance, you know, that's just like
being uncomfortable, and it can be hard sometimes.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
To just like, oh, nobody wants to be uncomfortable. Nobody
wants to be uncomfortable humanity like constantly avoiding any kind
of still avoiding that, you know what I mean. And
so maybe that was about like are they gonna look dumb,
you know, and some of the more traditional Indian aspects
of the wedding and are they going to mess up?
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Or are they going to do the wrong thing? And
like maybe it was about that, you know, to give
them the benefit of the doubt, and like.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Maybe or maybe they'd always imagined you know you and
some kind of like right cific church setting and now
they're not getting exactly what they want and they can't
kind of they have to come to deal with.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
It, yes, and they have to like rewire the image
and their brains and like, Okay, it's gonna look like this,
And off topic just for a second, though, I have
always wanted to go to a fucking Indian wedding.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
They look so bomb and so fun. South Asian parties
period are just the best and greatest parties.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I don't know what it is. I just I really
the color, it's so beautiful. It's like anyways, that was
just a side tangent side. Do you want to invite.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Me to your You're beautiful? Glorious? You're beautiful glorious? I was.
When I got married. My mom was like, well, you're
not going to do it in a church and I
was like no. She's like, why You're not gonna have
a priest and I was like, no, we don't. We
don't practice, Like yeah, we're not, We're not doing that,
(27:55):
and like she had a hard time with that. She
had a really hard time with it, you know at first. Yeah,
So sometimes it really is just like your parents having
these expectations or dreams of you know, they've been around
you since you were little, and.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
They sure this day about it, you know, particularly with girls.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Yeah, and it's true. It's it's really like, it can
be challenging to let go of your own expectations of
your children as a mother. And she's only three, so
you know, you're a grown person. It can be challenging
for my mom to let go of expectations of me.
And I'm a grown, grown, grown person, you know, and
(28:36):
she still thinks of me as like a ten year old.
My sister had an eight year old, you know, So
there's a it's a fine line between like cutting them
some slack and also knowing when to be like whoa bro? No,
like not that's sokay, prejudice, you're not opening your mind.
I need you to do harder work because you're going
(28:58):
to lose our relationship.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
You know.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
I'm not saying like to make threats or anything, but
I do think it's like, yeah, I think calling about yeah,
bulling them in. And you know, everyone's like family's everything,
family has everything, and family is everything. Family is so special.
But that doesn't mean family can do anything exactly, you
know that part that part, it doesn't mean that they
(29:21):
can't treat you badly. They can't manipulate you into They
shouldn't manipulate you into doing what they want. You're not
an extension of your parents. You're your own person. You're
your own person. You're not an extension of your parents.
And I think particularly for people that you know are
(29:41):
coming into their own and being grown ups now, I
think I don't think that their parents knew that, right.
I think everybody thought, oh, well, my kid is a
little me, you know, an extension of me, And.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Yeah, it really is like a newer concept. I think
of trying to parent from a place of thinking of
our childre and as their own individuals and their own people,
and that really our jobs as parents are to get
to know them. Yeah, steward steward them through life. But
it's not our lives, not at all. I mean, I
will say, like, isis our producer. I just sent us
(30:17):
this article from very well mind that is about how
when your parents disapprove of your marriage, not saying that
yours due, but because we're talking about this kind of stuff,
it can be really challenging and it can take a
toll on your marriage, Like it could be really tricky.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
That's stupid word, but the article is really cool because
like the main points in it are, like, help your
parents get to know your partner. Consider counseling, Like that's
something to consider, right, Like if they're open to it,
plan for the future, like you can, you know, like
if there is a wedge between your parents and your
(31:00):
like maybe you don't force your spouse to go with
you to events that are more of your family and
you know they are going to be like hard on
your spouse. You know, I'm not saying that this is
Rachel and Ross's experience because but maybe it's Monica and Chandler's.
I don't know, you know, like I would say, I
(31:23):
think that this is the quote that I thought was
really cool from this article. Don't allow your parents' reservations
to destroy your relationship with your fiance or spouse. Studies
show the parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism,
and conflict in a marriage. But it can and also
can be a reoccurring topic of your arguments that can
drive a wedge between you both if that happens, considered
seeing a marriage counselor. I think it's really important to
(31:48):
talk about this stuff with your partner. Even though it
might be like, and you guys, obviously they have it,
sounds like, but continuing that conversation as you're marriage goes
along as your parents, both both of you as your parents' age,
and continuing to talk about, like how you want to
integrate both of your cultures so that both of you
(32:11):
feel seen in the relationship is really important, you know,
Like I spend so much time in my childhood and
adolescents assimilating and now as an adult, I really really
desire a connection to much more of my own Latini dad,
(32:32):
because I want my daughter to have access to it
in a way that feels not like she's having to
necessarily pick up a book and read about it, but
that she has memories and experiences from holidays. It's a
part of her life. That's a part of her life. Yeah,
that's part of her you know. And like, and some
(32:53):
of those aren't necessarily my own cultural traditions, but that
I've adopted because I'm LEATINGO in the United States, and
I want, you know, I want her to celebrate the
little Mortals and I think it's a really beautiful holiday,
and like that's important saying and yeah, she is she
recognizes now that that's coming and she's excited about it
(33:13):
and wants to like be a part of it.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
Yeah, I think the other uh.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Sorry, tricky thing And this.
Speaker 3 (33:33):
In some of these family dynamics too, is also finding
the moments like yes, having complete open communication with your spouse,
but also being careful to not become the thing that's
like between your spouse and their parents, you.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Know, like I mean, well that can try but yeah,
so it can.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Well, I think it can be some you know, if
your mother in law you know, says something where to you,
you know, you might have to decide whether you just
like keep that to yourself or share it with your husband,
you know.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
What I mean, Like depends on your boundaries your own personally.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
I think it becomes to your own yes, like where
where obviously if the line is crossed, like yeah, to
share that with your spouse, but.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
But what's your line? But what's your line? You know?
Speaker 3 (34:28):
If it's just kind of like I didn't that bothered me?
You know, you know you're gonna have to decide like
the areas that you just like choose to deal with yourself. Yeah,
as your own person and your own person married who
is married to him?
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Right? And the things that you let go or just kind.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
Of like I'm just gonna like push that. I'm not
gonna give that any power. I'm not going to give
that any you know space.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
It's a hard one. It can be a hard one.
Speaker 3 (34:55):
It can be, and then you know what to really
bring because also I think it can get uh, unintentionally
harder if you know you are creating even more at
tension between your spouse and their parents too, Like that
can be that can be tricky to navigate like that
(35:18):
dynamic because they have their whole relationship, their whole life,
all the hardships they've been through. Sure, and you know,
I think are you adding to the plate? You mean, yes,
you know, are you adding to the plate?
Speaker 1 (35:31):
You know?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
And sometimes I think you have to be selective and
thoughtful about what battles to choose.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
Totally makes sense. That's a good point. That's a good point.
I mean I would say, you know, if it's if
it's about if it's just like about like you know,
I don't know, normal in law kind of stuff, that's
something right, right, If it's about well, it's about I
(36:00):
don't want you teaching you know, she should learn Spanish,
you know, like because she's an American, which is like
what you know, like and I think like that that's uh,
you know having I mean, speaking from personal experience, there's
only so much like choking down that you should allow
(36:23):
yourself to do. Yeah, some of that is just gnarly right.
I have a friend who she's got a kid, and
her kid loves hanging out with her cousins. But the
cousin's parents are like pretty uh, they're they can be
(36:44):
very close minded about the way that little girls should
should be allowed to dress, for example, And Okay, that's
really difficult for my friend because as somebody who she
just like is like lives in her own body and
like it is like she kind of can't help that.
She's like a babe and like she just is who
(37:06):
she is. And she also doesn't project sexuality onto her child,
you know, right, and this these family members kind of
are like her shorts are too short, her shirt is
too short, you know, like whatever, whatever, And it's like, uh,
you know, that's a for them. It's like a religious
(37:26):
difference in like how that particular family feels feels is okay, right,
But for my friend, she's like, well then I'm just
going to take her out of that situation because like, yeah,
I'm not going to have her for her, for her
and her family, it's not it doesn't feel right to
have her have to change the way she's freely dressing
(37:51):
in the summer because of that, right cause she's a
little girl, she's like kid. So yeah, you have to
kind of like pick your battles, like you said, but
you also like don't. I mean, I would encourage you
not to bend over backwards because it does get worse.
Meaning like it people will if you give them an inch,
(38:14):
they'll take a mile, and so you do have to.
I'm really glad that Rachel went through with the wedding
the way she wanted to go through with it, the
way they wanted to.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
Ye.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Yes, like, kudos to you. Pow yourself on the back. Yeah,
because people will, they will stick their nose in and
be like you should do it this way, you should
be living this way. I don't like this, I don't
want this. And if you give them an inch, they
will take a mile and they'll be like, oh, well
she listened to me about this. I wanted to listen
to me about this other thing, now, you know.
Speaker 3 (38:43):
And let's also before we wrap up talk about is
just gave us. Also some great articles here about the
benefits of biculturalism.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Oh yeah, are so many.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
So there's one hear the psychological impact of Biculturalism Evidence
and theory.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
The alternation model, which means biculturalism, is a model that
suggests that a person can become proficient into different cultures
without having to sacrifice their original cultural identity or feel
forced to choose one over the other, essentially allowing them
to comfortably navigate both cultures depending on the situation. I
(39:28):
love this quote because I feel like it just you know,
I think that's so true. I think the more cultures
were exposed to, the more people that are different from us,
the more flexible, flexible, and proficient we can become. You can,
you know, and don't you ultimately want that for your kid?
You want them to be able to go into any
room and be comfortable with the people that are there
(39:50):
and not feel like out of place or you know,
or be able to you know. This is where like
the idea of code switching even comes from, you know,
which is a lot of bicultural people sort of do
annoying naturally naturally right, It's like they just flow between
different groups of people. And I think in that there's
(40:11):
also a lot of open mindedness tolerance, right, Like we're
just teaching you know, to kind of love everyone, right
and like judge people based on like their character and
their their actions or words rather than you know, all
these ex external things. And so I think that there's
a lot of benefits from multiculturalism or biculturalism that can
(40:39):
come from your sort of blended family. And like, what a.
Speaker 3 (40:43):
Beautiful experience if you choose to have kids, what you uh,
what a beautiful experience in life you're going to give them,
you know, and what a special person you're going to
set out in the world when they're grown.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
I think also, you know, in terms of handling when
people are critical, there's a lot of whisk go about it.
To me, I always defer to humor, sure, but I
think humor and honesty together is sort of like the
most direct route. I feel like, like, uh, you know,
(41:19):
if if somebody is saying something like really specifically to
me prejudiced, then I give myself the aokay, the highest
sign to be like yes to do it, Stephanie, And
I'm like, WHOA, I do not think that means what
you think it means, you know, we're some kind of
like riff on, like whoa, I know you didn't mean
(41:42):
to say it like that, and then dig a little
deeper and see if they did mean to say it
like that, and then it can become at least a
back and forth at least some conversation happens. Yeah. Man,
but like in terms of uh, you know, navigating multicultural
families or friend groups, like like I don't know, like
(42:02):
I'm I My default is always like listen, like mouth
closed and eyes open and ears open, and like listen,
like listen to people's experiences, Listen to how people are
talking to each other, Listen to what the vibe is.
Try to catch the vibe. You know, don't make it
about you, make it about learning about them. You know.
(42:25):
It's the same kind of thing that you were talking
about Melissa about her parents possibly being nervous about the wedding. Yeah,
it's like, well, then just use it as an opportunity,
use this like hang out, use this moment to like
learn And doesn't mean you're like taking notes necessarily, Yeah,
but maybe in your head you are a little like
see just learn see and like get to know these people.
(42:47):
As people, not just like a wash of like this culture, right,
Like it's like individually like paying attention to like because
you know, every family has its culture. Every family, like
every unit of friends has its own culture, right like
every everybody Like in my house, we take our shoes off,
you know, Like yeah, there's little things that belong to
(43:08):
every group that are signs of them being a group together,
and you know, like trying to stay open to what
they can teach you about themselves. So I think that's
like kind of the fun of like you so like
the fun of getting to know people and being alive,
Like what are you doing? You're just like hanging on
(43:29):
your house like just by yourself, like reading Mad magazine,
Like no offense, Mad magazine, but you know what you
what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (43:39):
Yeah, and I yeah, I've always felt like I don't know,
it makes my life every time I get to meet
someone who's feels very different from me. I don't know,
there's like growth in that, right, Like yeah, it's cool.
It like fills fills your cup in a different way,
makes your life a little fuller, you know, And it's
(43:59):
just find I find those experiences and those encounters exciting,
you know, and I don't know, maybe there's a way
to have conversations with your parents, Rachel, where you can
steer it more in that direction, you know, like, look
at how exciting this is. Doesn't have to be scary
or you know, just because it's different, Like it's you know,
(44:23):
you would never have had this experience in your life,
and now you're getting to have this whole new experience
and it's not taking anything away, it's just adding. It's
all adding, yeah, you know, and you know, keep keep
it more about that.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
Wow, we solved it for you, Rachel and Ross. We
fucking solved it. We solved we solved it. You're welcome, welcome.
Look out for our bill. It'll be coming in the mail.
More better, I feel like, I mean, I hope we
(45:04):
gave her some solid me too advice. But that was hard,
and like, yeah, it's hard. It's hard. Everybody's dealing with
it in some way or another, you know. Yeah, yeah, friends, families.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
This is a real multicultural world, real multicultural country.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Open yourself up or get left behind, babe.
Speaker 3 (45:26):
Hey, I feel yeah, I feel a little bit more better.
I was a little intimidated by this one.
Speaker 1 (45:32):
I don't know. It was kind of an interesting one
to talk out though.
Speaker 3 (45:35):
It was something yeah that I've definitely encountered, but not
necessarily I think unpacked or thought about a lot.
Speaker 1 (45:42):
I've about it a lot. I know you. And with that,
dear listeners, we leave you thanks for thanks for tuning in.
And like Mossa said, if you guys have questions that
you want to ask us, or like topics you want
to cover whatever, like, come on, maybe we'll do like
a like anp words just listener questions and we'll just
(46:04):
like yeah, fast, fasty fire those I love that idea.
Oh okay, get ready for that one. Guys, see you
next time.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Bye bye, More More Better.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
Do you have something you'd like to be more better
at that you want us to talk about in a
future episode.
Speaker 3 (46:20):
Can you relate to our struggles or have you tried
one of our tips and tricks?
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Shoot us your thoughts and ideas at Morebetter pod at
gmail dot com and include a voice note if you
want to be featured on the pod. Ooh More Better
with Stephanie Melissa is a production from Wvsound and iHeartMedia's
Mikutura podcast network, hosted by me Steffie Beatriz and Melissa
Kumera More Better is produced by Isis Madrid and Sophie
Spencer Zagos. Our executive producers are Wilmer Valderrama and Leo
(46:47):
Klem at Wvsound. This episode was edited by Isis Madrid
and engineered by Sean Tracy and features original music by
Madison Davenport and Halo Boy. Our cover art is by
Vincent Remys and photography by Davis. For more podcasts from iHeart,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows. See you next week, Sucker up, bye,
Hosts And Creators
Stephanie Beatriz
Melissa Fumero
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