March 20, 2025 • 47 mins
What to do when you’re about to marry the love of your life and your family ACTUALLY speaks now and do not forever hold their peace? This week, Stephanie and Melissa read an email from listener Rachel, who is having trouble navigating the fact that she and her now husband come from completely different cultures. Steph and Mel share their experiences and thoughts on how to navigate multicultural families — and they quote Bon Jovi along the way.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Did you realize that I did upon job? John bon
Jovi quote, just then, No, it's my life. It's now ormember.
I'm I ain't gonna god, how did I miss that?
Where can I hand in my jersey card? Jesus more Better,
More Better? Just for posterity reasons, I want on the
(00:34):
recording for everyone to know that our producer Isis didn't
hit record and I did like probably the greatest intro
that I've ever done on anything ever. It was so clean.
I sounded so profreshed. Anyway, this is More Better, a
podcast where we stop pretending to try to have it
all together. You know what you're listening to. It's us
trying to be better at life. That's so Romo laughing
(00:57):
in the background, and that is Stephanie Beatrice. Hey, y'all,
I'm just drinking my coffee. Sorry, you're in rare form today.
I really am. This is what we got. Here's my
life hack for those of you don't that have trouble
working out in the morning. I did it. I bought
(01:20):
myself a tiny little espresso maker. It's one of those
little boopy doo You just press them in the boot
bump bump, and then you're done, and I have a
shot of espresso at seven am, and then I walk
my ass downstairs to the basement and fucking work out
yep yah, and so then I have my regular coffee later,
which is why I am in rear form right now. Yeah,
(01:41):
I like it. I hate that little No, I'm the
same sometimes I am. If I'm I'm going our setup
is in the garage, or even if I'm going to
a class, I just I do this thing where I
almost like try to turn my brain off. I don't
think about where I'm going. I just am like, put
(02:02):
one foot in front of the other, bitch, drink your coffee,
get in the car, and then you will get there
and you will have no choice. You have no choice
because you are just there and you will do the thing.
Maybe you'll do it well today, maybe you won't, but
you did it. You did it. That's why I think
a lot of the time. Why it's my workout closer
(02:22):
and the drawer and they're like all everything's together, like
the socks are right above where the pants are and
the bras are and it's just grab, grab, don't think,
go downstairs, Like I don't have to think because if
I have to think about trying to do it. It's
not gonna happen because I have to think twice. I
mean I had to think twice this month. I was
like I want to and Brad was like, you better
do it. You're gonna be sad that you didn't do it. Yeah. Yeah.
(02:46):
The workout closes is another one too. Sometimes I'll just
put workout clothes on to go drop the kids off,
and then there's something about having the outfit on that
where I'm like, well, no, I gotta do it. I
gotta do it. Yeah, otherwise I gotta get dressed. I'm
off actually, so if I put them on and then
I'm like, oh, work out later, I never do. Oh,
I'm just like I just I'm like living at my
(03:06):
ladies ladies who lunch moment and I'm like, I don't know,
I'm just like running errands and my yoga pants, you know,
like I can't I have to do I have to
do it first. I have to do it first thing
otherwise it's not gonna happen. Or I can sign up
for a class like in the evening or something, but oh,
that's my favorite, Like signing up for the class and
then you know, you spend the money. Yeah, and you're like,
(03:29):
now I have to go. Two days ago, I was
sitting in our front yard and uh so nice outside
of sitting in our front yard and Brad and Ross
came out and Brad handed me in Appearl sprits and
I was like, oh my god, it was so I
did it. And then I was like shit because I
signed up for You're like the epsy doodle that was.
(03:55):
That did kind of suck because I was like, dang,
I can't go now, like, yeah, what we're gonna do?
I can't I mean not drink your approls. Yeah, in
the beautiful day and Friday, think about it until like
halfway through the approl sprits, you know, oh yeah yeah,
and it's over. It's over. Yeah, It's okay, you're human.
It's fine, I'm human. What have you done lately? That's
more better. I guess we just talked about it, honestly, yeah,
(04:18):
kind of you know. I are you working on in
the ATL are you doing? Do people call it this?
Does everyone just hate me for calling it this? I
don't know. I haven't been here long enough. I don't
think people say ATL. Nobody calls it that that's so dumb. Ya,
that's the air, that's very the atl. What am I doing?
(04:38):
What is the I don't know, how's it going in
the lax yi yike. I was on a really good
run of working out and then was working a lot,
and it just it hasn't really happened in uh, probably
more than two weeks, which sucks because that means, first
(05:01):
of all, there's that fun thing where you get like
I get like achy and like little pains when I'm
not working out. I don't know what that's about. Is
it just like getting older or is it like because
you've been working out and then your body gets used
to I don't know. I don't know, but my knee's
hurt and yeah cool. And then I just know that
(05:23):
whenever I do work out, it's going to suck so bad. Yeah,
those first few workouts and uh, and then you just
have to like push through and you feel like you're
starting over and you're like more sore, even though you're like,
all I did was a fucking squat, not even multiple squats.
(05:43):
I did a squat, and now I can't walk and
you feel bad about yourself and it fucking sucks. And
then you just have to like push through that phase.
And so like that's where I am now, Like I
just know that that is uh where I am headed.
Whenever I well, next week, I have some time. I'm
next week, so I know I'm going to work out
next week and it's gonna suck. It's gonna suck. What
(06:05):
if you had acceptance of the suckage, you know what
I mean, radical acceptance of the suckage. Yes, you just
have to sort of go, okay, this is what I mean,
Like if you want, because I straight up will resist.
I'll be like, oh no, it's going to be so hard.
It's going to be And then like three weeks have
passed by. That's where I'm at right now. Because I
(06:25):
was like in my closet trying on clothes and I
was like, this skirt doesn't fit. I don't understand, Like
I guess this up in the same way. I mean,
I got it on, but it didn't it wasn't giving
what I wanted it to give. So I was like,
what is going on? How could this be? And I
was like it's because I haven't been waking out at all.
(06:45):
I was like not doing anything. So you know, that
combined with like a sedentary lifestyle. It's probably gonna change.
It's going to happen. You know it's going to happen.
But yeah, I don't today. Yeah, I just had to
sort of go whoa, yeah, okay, like, let's do this
more better? Why why would I have done anything more better?
(07:09):
I'm just hanging out in my house. I mean it's
been nice. I've got therapy, you know, Like, listen, you
have earned a RESTful period, a RESTful season, and you
are making the most of it. And I think that
that's amazing. I am making the most of it. Ish Yeah, yeah,
(07:29):
I mean, listen, have ever did I buy three thirty
inch necklaces off of atsy yesterday because they were each
price to twenty dollars? Yes? I did making the most
of it. I made the most of it. I'm going
on a tangent. Guys, Come on, this is three technically
this is a third espresso, so more better? What are
(07:54):
we talking about today? We are talking about something a
little heavy. It comes from a listener. We'll see, We'll see,
John accept it. Today's topic comes from a listener. And
as a reminder, if you listeners out there, whoever you
(08:15):
may be, need help with something in your life or
you have an idea for us. Please send us an
email at Morebetter Pod at gmail dot com. You can
include a voice note and we will feature it on
the pod. And today we have an email. Shall I
read it? Yes? Read it? Okay? It is from Rachel, Hi, Stephanie,
(08:37):
Melissa and team. I've really enjoyed the More Better podcast,
so thank you all for your hard work. I have
a question I've been mulling over for a while and
would love any advice or even just shared stories some
context for you. My husband and I just got married
in October twenty twenty four, which was amazing Corets, congrats.
(08:58):
We had been together for about six years before getting married,
and we lived together for two years as well. Fairy sound.
I am white and my husband is Indian. Born in
India but grew up in the US. From the start
of our relationship, my parents had always been pretty chill
about cultural and religious differences and quickly came to love him.
His parents were not thrilled with me being white and Christian,
(09:20):
but came to love and accept me as well. We
planned our wedding to honor both cultures, with two different
ceremonies and including different traditions from both sides, gorgeous cool.
My family had been relatively hands off during a wedding process,
and I perceived them as being laid back about everything
until just two days before my wedding. Oh God, I'm scared.
(09:43):
My parents expressed fears over our combined wedding and how
I seem to be quote losing myself and my faith
because we were doing a lot of traditional Hindu rituals
as well. Oh my Okay, needless to say, this horribly
upset me. Of course it did, and I felt extremely
betrayed by this sudden opinion. I feel like it came
(10:06):
from them being uncomfortable and avoiding it since we planned
the wedding for over a year and did not hide
anything totally. Yeah, trying to keep a long story short ish.
All the wedding festivities went beautifully and both families had
an amazing time. However, months after, I'm still processing and
working through the hurt that came right before we got married.
(10:27):
So with this backstory, my question is, how do you
handle sharing parts of your culture or loved ones, culture, beliefs,
et cetera with those outside of it. Any advice for
navigating multicultural families or friend groups. How to handle criticism
with it. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Rachel. Ooh, Rachel,
(10:49):
how to handle criticism with it? You could just be like,
don't be still closed minded, you fucking closed minded. Button.
That's dialogue, though, don't do that out loud. Don't do
that out loud. Yeah, so sucks. Sucks. My heart goes
(11:09):
out to Rachel. That's a really tough thing. I'm so
sorry your family sprung that on you two days before
your wedding, which, you know what, I feel like that's
always the case though, like not just with this topic,
but like anytime particularly, I don't know what weddings do
to parents. They will like sit on their opinion, sit
(11:31):
on their opinions until they become like they burst right
before the wedding like a boil, like a yackfle And
then you're just like, what the fuck?
Speaker 2 (11:40):
First of all, this is not your wedding, it's out wedding.
And second of all, why don't you say this shit
to begin with? This is a lesson, and don't keep
shit inside.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Say what you think or feel in a nice, appropriate,
empathetic way, because you're supposed to be my family Damn,
I am in a marriage where my family is Bolivian
and Colombian and my husband's family is not, but they are.
I think he's like, I don't know, the dnahs is hilarious.
(12:12):
It's like one hundred percent European, you know. But you know,
there's different kinds of people have different reactions to being
introduced to new cultures. I think one of the cool
things about having a kid is that, uh, I can
(12:33):
see how heavy my influence kind of lands with my kids.
You know, the things that I say and how I
am around her inform how she feels about the world too,
because like at this point, I'm her hero, you know, Like, right,
they listen to everything that we say. You know, however
(12:59):
you're parents feel about your husband, and however his parents
felt about you, they each did a good enough job
of raising two people that like, we're interested and curious
about the world and fell in love with someone that
was unlike themselves, and yeah, and like you should put
(13:20):
yourself on the back about that, right, you know, Like
you and Ross are in love? And did you like
that that I named him Ross? Just then I was like, wait, Nan,
you and Ross are deeply in love, and yeah, I mean,
(13:42):
this is such a hard question because, like you know,
in my experience, most of the time, people are pretty
interested and open, but have some fear, you know, because
it's being introduced to cultures that are not like yourself.
Your can be like, yes, what's this going to be?
I'm not used to it. I don't know what it is,
(14:04):
you know, Yes, I don't know where this lands. Like
I don't I've never had an experience like this before.
I'm a little nervous or worried or like I don't
know how to be, you know. And the less you've
been exposed to different cultures in your own life, the
more fear you're going to have about it. So like, yeah,
(14:27):
you know, if the only exposure you have to other
cultures is going out to eat at different kinds of restaurants, like,
that's gonna be hard for you when you get to
a wedding that is very, very different culturally than your own.
I just yeah, like it's hard because like it sounds
(14:47):
like what happened is they had a bunch of feelings
and then they like busted out with them two days
before the wedding. All you can continue to do and
it sounds like everybody had fun at the wedding. So like,
all you can continue to do is slowly gently foster
a environment in which when your husband's uh, culture and
(15:15):
and like traditions. Yeah, parts of that are like involved.
You can choose which way to go about it, right,
Like if you you can choose to be it sucks
because it lands on you, right, Like it's going to
be like a little bit more emotional labor for Rachel. Yes,
this is what this is, and this is what this is,
(15:38):
and here's some you know, like here's some explanations of this,
and like I want you know, like and this is
why I like this, and this is what I how
it's important to it and why we we think it's
important to include in our life for our children's life.
And yeah, and just like hold their hand a little bit. Maybe, Yeah,
(15:58):
the hand holding is restrating because you want to be like,
what the fuck? The Internet's right there, you guys, But
can you do some of this work? You can you
utilize Google a little bit? Yeah, the handholding it also
does make it personal. So in my experience with for example,
some of my husband's family, they've been really curious and
(16:20):
they just don't know and so when I talk about it,
it's fun for them to be, you know, interested, They're interested,
they want to know more. They have like, they have questions.
Some of their questions are hilarious, but I try to
answer them as best I can, you know, even you know,
(16:42):
I think the more that you can accept that they're
trying it sounds like they're trying, the more that you
can come at them with like a less frustrated, more
kind of like open. But at the same time, it's like,
(17:04):
you know, some of your parents maybe prejudices are showing
through if they're saying things like we're afraid we're gonna
lose you, We're afraid we're gonna you know, like, depending
on certain people's religions, it can feel like a battle
for somebody's soul to be like, oh no, you have
to be a practicing xyz, you know, and that can
(17:26):
get really tricky and sticky. And I don't really have
any advice about that because I don't practice a specific religion.
So yeah, I don't know, do you. I don't even know,
do you You're not like I don't know. No, we
don't really practice. We have religious traditions that we love,
but yeah, yes, yeah, spiritual perhaps, but I've definitely seen
(17:52):
that dynamic with some Jewish friends I have that have
married non Jewish people, and it, you know, can be tricky.
And some of them celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish
holidays and sort of do like a combined thing, and
(18:13):
some have just fully converted, and you know, I think, yeah,
the religious part can be really tricky. And ultimately though,
like since you and Ross got married, you this is
the start of your family, yeah, and it is a
blended family and outside of and it can be hard
(18:34):
and tricky, but you two will decide together what your
combined life and culture and traditions are going to look
like and what makes sense for you, and people are
gonna have fucking opinions about it, and you know, and
it's we're not here to today like that's gonna be easy,
(18:54):
Like it's not, you know, I'm sure it's gonna be
tough at times, particularly if there's any traditions you choose
to not do anymore or engage in or replace maybe
with some that you connect with more from your husband's side. Like,
however it all lays out, I think boundaries kind of
(19:16):
come into play here, and like reminding yourself that this
is especially if you have kids, like this is, or
even if you don't have kids, this is your new
family unit, right, and it's your new life and it's
how you want it to look and be and and
you know it's hey, and that's okay, and you can
(19:38):
still have empathy for your families and their opinions. But
then eventually you have to get to the point where
it's like I hear you, I empathize, I'm sorry you're upset,
but this is our life. It's my life. It's now
or ever. I ain't gonna live forever. This is my life.
This is how yeah, this this is how we want
(20:01):
to live our life. And these are the things that
we want to include in our life. And that just
you know, it is what it is. And you know,
there's lots of families I think that have to navigate that,
and hopefully everyone will come to a place where you know,
they see the value in it, especially like if they
see you happy, they see you guys happy and you
(20:23):
have a happy life, hopefully they are open and love
you enough to see that you're doing what's best for
you and your family. Did you realize that I did
a bon Jovi John bon Jovi quote just son, No,
it's my life. It's now or never. I'm gonna god,
how did I miss that? Can I hand in my
jersey card? Jesus? I can't sing it, you guys, because
(20:47):
we'll have to pay sorry to the State of New Jersey,
r Jersey girl, and to bon Jovi for not clocking that.
Oh God, I'm embarrassed or better. I think part of this,
(21:08):
like especially with marriages and people making their new family. Yes,
it's like some families do have a and this is
like across the board and lots of different cultures, they
have a sort of like you owe it to us
to live your life the way that we've taught you,
(21:29):
you know, right, And that's harry on the family, the
way we built the family. And it's very tricky, right,
Like I mean, tricky is not the word that I
want to use, but I don't know what word to use.
It's fucking frustrating, and like you've got to decide whether
(21:51):
or not you're going to do that, whether you're going
to say, yes, my parents have ultimate control of my marriage,
or if you're going to say no, that's not okay
for me, you know. And and I don't know what
it sounds like. It sounds like, you know, Rachel and Ross,
what you want out of your lives, Like you guys
(22:13):
met each other, and even though his parents at first
were like you guys were like, we're getting married, we
love each other. For some people, it's more complex than that.
It might be more challenging than that. I will say,
I'm certainly I know people that are estranged from their
families because of it, you know, and that's really really tough.
(22:36):
But those are the choices that you ultimately have to make,
because I think if you want to be the kind
of person that is that you describe yourself as, like
I'm open minded, I want to learn about the world,
I want to learn about different cultures, I want to
learn about this kind of stuff. Like, then that's a
that's you get to choose that for your life. And
(22:57):
there's some people that don't want that, you know, Like
we're seeing it more and more all over the world
right now. They're like, it's my way or the highway,
it's this way, and everybody else's way is wrong, which
I don't really understand because, like you know, if you
look at historically the history of people on the planet.
That's just not how we do it. We don't really
do it like that. So trying to fit a square
(23:21):
peg in a round hole is a bit strange in
that way. I think if you're a listener of this podcast,
you probably skew kind of like open minded if you're
at this point in the podcast and you don't I
don't really know why you're hanging around, but maybe like
the sounds of our voices, what can we do? Maybe
(23:42):
they're melodious. I just feel like there's and there's lots
of ways to integrate two different cultures, three different cultures,
four different cultures in your family, right, Like there's ways
of of like you know, choosing picking and choosing like
(24:02):
what you want to celebrate how you want to. I mean,
like listen, we are not My family is not pagan.
But there's some cool like pagan winter Solstice things that
we did this year because I thought they were really
interesting for Roz to hear about, like the wheel of
time and like my stuff that I don't really know about,
(24:23):
but I wanted to introduce the ideas to her a
little bit, and like you know, just sort of like
learning about like where religious holidays come from. And like
how they've evolved over the years and listen choose three,
So like it was like Chapin's books, you know, and
me looking at books too, and you know, I'm fascinated
(24:44):
and interested in different cultures and how they celebrate and
like how how like different cultures have echoes of similar
things in you know, there's so many For example, there's
so many winter ish around wintertime celebrations that had to
with light and light coming back, like going away, the
(25:05):
celebration of light, what light means, like human beings are
all we're also connected. And I don't know, I just
think like the finding the similarities and different kinds of
cultures can be interesting too. That could be maybe a
way to kind of like attack it with family that's
like what is this? I don't know what this is?
You know? Oh yeah, yeah. And I have to wonder too,
(25:27):
like going back to their reaction a couple of days
before the wedding, kind of off of what you said, Stephanie,
is a little bit I have to wonder too if
it's maybe just more that feeling of being uncomfortable and
maybe it was more projection, Maybe it was more about
(25:50):
them than it actually is about you. Know, you know,
it always is right. Like I can remember, you know,
first time I was at like a cultural wedding and
feeling like, oh am I going to mess up? Oh
I don't know the dances or I don't know what
comes next, and everyone else seems too and it's uncomfortable.
And it's really easy to go to a place because
(26:12):
you're a human being of like I don't like this,
I don't you know, like why why do they have
to do this? But that's just like resistance, you know,
that's just like being uncomfortable, and it can be hard
sometimes to just like, oh, nobody wants to be uncomfortable.
Nobody wants to be uncomfortable. Humanity are like constantly avoiding
any kind of still avoiding that, you know what I mean.
(26:34):
And so maybe that was about like are they gonna
look dumb, you know, and some of the more traditional
Indian aspects of the wedding and are they going to
mess up? Or are they going to do the wrong thing?
And like maybe it was about that, you know, to
give them the benefit of the doubt and like maybe
or maybe they'd always imagined you know you and some
(26:55):
kind of like rightific church setting and now they're not
getting exactly what they want and they can't kind of
they have to come to deal with it, yes, and
they have to like rewire the image and their brains
and like, Okay, it's gonna look like this, And off
topic just for a second, though, I have always wanted
to go to a fucking Indian wedding. They look so
bomb and so fun. South Asian parties period are just
(27:19):
the best and greatest parties. I don't know what it is.
I just I really the color, it's so beautiful. It's
like anyways, that was just a side tangent side. Do
you want to invite me to your You're beautiful? Glorious?
You're beautiful glorious? I was. When I got married. My
(27:43):
mom was like, well, you're not going to do it
in a church and I was like no. She's like,
why you're not gonna have a priest and I was like, no,
we don't. We don't practice, Like, yeah, we're not, We're
not doing that, and like she had a hard time
with that. She had a really hard time with it,
you know at first. Yeah, So sometimes it really is
just like your parents having these expectations or dreams of
(28:06):
you know, they've been around you since you were little,
and they sure this day many time about it, you know,
particularly with girls. Yeah, and it's true. It's it's really like,
it can be challenging to let go of your own
expectations of your children as a mother. And she's only three,
(28:27):
so you know, you're a grown person. It can be
challenging for my mom to let go of expectations of me.
And I'm a grown, grown, grown person, you know, and
she still thinks of me as like a ten year old.
My sister is an eight year old, you know. So
there's a it's a fine line between like cutting them
some slack and also knowing when to be like whoa bro? No,
(28:49):
like not that's sokay, prejudice, you're not opening your mind.
I need you to do harder work because you're going
to lose our relationship. You know. I'm not saying like
to make threats or anything, but I do think it's like, yeah,
I think calling about yeah, bulling them in. And you know,
everyone's like family's everything, family has everything, and family is everything.
(29:12):
Family is so special. But that doesn't mean family can
do anything exactly, you know, that part, that part, it
doesn't mean that they can't treat you badly. They can't
manipulate you into They shouldn't manipulate you into doing what
they want. You're not an extension of your parents. You're
your own person. You're your own person. You're not an
(29:35):
extension of your parents. And I think particularly for people
that you know are coming into their own and being
grown ups now, I think I don't think that their
parents knew that, right. I think everybody thought, oh, well,
my kid is a little me, you know, an extension
of me. And yeah, it really is like a newer concept.
(29:55):
I think of trying to parent from a place of
thinking of our childre and as their own individuals and
their own people, and that really our jobs as parents
are to get to know them. Yeah, steward steward them
through life. But it's not our lives, not at all.
I mean, I will say, like, isis our producer. I
(30:16):
just sent us this article from very well mind that
is about how when your parents disapprove of your marriage,
not saying that yours due, but because we're talking about
this kind of stuff, it can be really challenging and
it can take a toll on your marriage, Like it
could be really tricky. That's stupid word. But the article
(30:43):
is really cool because like the main points in it are, like,
help your parents get to know your partner, consider counseling,
Like that's something to consider, right, Like if they're open
to it, plan for the future, like you can, you know,
like if there is a wedge between your parents and
your like maybe you don't force your spouse to go
(31:04):
with you to events that are more of your family
and you know they are going to be like hard
on your spouse. You know, I'm not saying that this
is Rachel and Ross's experience because but maybe it's Monica
and Chandler's. I don't know, you know, like I would say,
I think that this is the quote that I thought
(31:25):
was really cool from this article. Don't allow your parents'
reservations to destroy your relationship with your fiance or spouse.
Studies show the parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism,
and conflict in a marriage. But it can and also
can be a reoccurring topic of your arguments that can
drive a wedge between you both if that happens. Considered
seeing a marriage counselor. I think it's really important to
(31:48):
talk about this stuff with your partner, even though it
might be like and you guys, obviously they have it,
sounds like, but continuing that conversation as you're marriage goes
along as your parents, both both of you as your parents' age,
and continuing to talk about, like how you want to
integrate both of your cultures so that both of you
(32:11):
feel seen in the relationship is really important, you know,
Like I spend so much time in my childhood and
adolescents assimilating and now as an adult, I really really
desire a connection to much more of my own Latini dad,
(32:32):
because I want my daughter to have access to it
in a way that feels not like she's having to
necessarily pick up a book and read about it, but
that she has memories and experiences from holidays that's a
part of her life. That's a part of her life. Yeah,
that's part of her you know. And like, and some
(32:53):
of those aren't necessarily my own cultural traditions, but that
I've adopted because I'm LEATINGO in the United States, and
I want, you know, I want her to celebrate the
little Mortals and I think it's a really beautiful holiday,
and like that's important saying and yeah, she is she
recognizes now that that's coming, and she's excited about it
(33:13):
and wants to like be a part of it. Yeah.
I think the other uh sorry, tricky thing and this
in some of these family dynamics too, is also finding
(33:38):
the moments like yes, having complete open communication with your spouse,
but also being careful to not become the thing that's
like between your spouse and their parents, you know, like
I mean, well that can try, but yeah, so it can. Well,
(33:59):
I think it can be some You know, if your
mother in law you know, says something where to you,
you know, you might have to decide whether you just
like keep that to yourself or share it with your husband,
you know what I mean, Like depends on your boundaries
your own personally. I think it becomes to your own Yes,
(34:20):
like where where obviously if the line is crossed, like yeah,
to share that with your spouse, but but what's your line?
But what's your line? You know? If it's just kind
of like I didn't that bothered me? You know, you
know you're gonna have to decide like the areas that
you just like choose to deal with yourself. Yeah, as
your own person and your own person married who is
(34:43):
married to him, right, and the things that you let
go or just kind of like I'm just gonna like
push that. I'm not gonna give that any power. I'm
not going to give that any you know space. It's
a hard one. It can be a hard one. It
can be, and then you know what to really bring
because also I think it can get uh, unintentionally harder
(35:07):
if you know you are creating even more at tension
between your spouse and their parents too, Like that can be.
That can be tricky to navigate like that dynamic because
they have their whole relationship, their whole life, all the
hardships they've been through. Sure, and you know, I think
are you adding to the plate? You mean, yes, you know,
(35:29):
are you adding to the plate? You know? And sometimes
I think you have to be selective and thoughtful about
what battles to choose. Totally makes sense. That's a good point.
That's a good point. I mean, I would say, you know,
if it's if it's about if it's just like about
(35:50):
like you know, I don't know, normal in law kind
of stuff, that's something right, right. If it's about well,
it's about I don't want you teaching, you know, she
should learn Spanish, you know, like because she's an American,
which is like what you know, like, and I think
(36:11):
like that that's uh, you know having I mean, speaking
from personal experience, there's only so much like choking down
that you should allow yourself to do. Yeah, some of
that is just gnarly, right. I I have a friend
who she's got a kid, and her kid loves hanging
(36:34):
out with her cousins. But the cousin's parents are like
pretty uh they're they can be very close minded about
the way that little girls should should be allowed to dress,
for example, And Okay, that's really difficult for my friend
(36:56):
because as somebody who she just like is like lives
in her own body and like it is like she
kind of can't help that. She's like a babe and
like she just is who she is. And she also
doesn't project sexuality onto her child, you know, right, And
this these family members kind of are like her shorts
(37:16):
are too short, her shirt is too short, you know,
like whatever, whatever, and it's like, uh, you know, that's
a for them. It's like a religious difference in like
how that particular family feels feels is okay, right, But
for my friend, she's like, well, then I'm just going
(37:37):
to take her out of that situation because like, yeah,
I'm not going to have her for her, for her
and her family, it's not it doesn't feel right to
have her have to change the way she's freely dressing
in the summer because of that, right cause she's a
little girl, she's like kid. So yeah, you have to
(37:59):
kind of like pick your battles, like you said, but
you also like don't. I mean, I would encourage you
not to bend over backwards because it does get worse.
Meaning like it people will if you give them an inch,
they'll take a mile, and so you do have to
I'm really glad that Rachel went through with the wedding
(38:20):
the way she wanted to go through with it, the
way they wanted to. Ye. Yes, like, kudos to you.
Pow yourself on the back. Yeah, because people will, they
will stick their nose in and be like you should
do it this way, you should be living this way.
I don't like this, I don't want this. And if
you give them an inch, they will take a mile
and they'll be like, oh, well she listened to me
about this. I wanted to listen to me about this
(38:41):
other thing. Now, you know. And let's also before we
wrap up talk about is just gave us also some
great articles here about the benefits of biculturalism. Oh yeah,
are so many. So there's one hear the Psychological impact
of Biculturalism Evidence and theory. The alternation model, which means biculturalism,
(39:10):
is a model that suggests that a person can become
proficient into different cultures without having to sacrifice their original
cultural identity or feel forced to choose one over the other,
essentially allowing them to comfortably navigate both cultures depending on
the situation. I love this quote because I feel like
it just you know, I think that's so true. I
(39:33):
think the more cultures were exposed to, the more people
that are different from us, the more flexible, flexible, and
proficient we can become. You can, you know, and don't
you ultimately want that for your kid? You want them
to be able to go into any room and be
comfortable with the people that are there and not feel
like out of place or you know, or be able
(39:54):
to you know. This is where like the idea of
code switching even comes from, you know, which is a
lot of bicultural people sort of do annoying naturally, naturally right,
It's like they just flow between different groups of people.
And I think in that there's also a lot of
open mindedness tolerance, right, Like we're just teaching you know,
(40:17):
to kind of love everyone, right and like judge people
based on like their character and their their actions or
words rather than you know, all these ex external things.
And so I think that there's a lot of benefits
from multiculturalism or biculturalism that can come from your sort
(40:40):
of blended family and like, what a beautiful experience if
you choose to have kids, what you uh, what a
beautiful experience in life you're going to give them, you know,
and what a special person you're going to set out
in the world when they're grown. I think also, you know,
in terms of handling when people are critical, there's a
(41:04):
lot of whisk go about it. To me, I always
defer to humor, sure, but I think humor and honesty
together is sort of like the most direct route. I
feel like, like, uh, you know, if if somebody is
saying something like really specifically to me prejudiced, then I
(41:27):
give myself the aokay, the highest sign to be like
yes to do it, Stephanie, And I'm like, WHOA, I
do not think that means what you think it means.
You know, we're some kind of like riff on, like whoa,
I know you didn't mean to say it like that,
and then dig a little deeper and see if they
did mean to say it like that, and then it
can become at least a back and forth at least
(41:50):
some conversation happens. Yeah. Man, but like in terms of uh,
you know, navigating multicultural families or friend groups, like like
I don't know, like I'm I My default is always
like listen, like mouth closed and eyes open and ears open,
(42:11):
and like listen, like listen to people's experiences, Listen to
how people are talking to each other, Listen to what
the vibe is. Try to catch the vibe. You know,
don't make it about you, make it about learning about them.
You know. It's the same kind of thing that you
were talking about Melissa about her parents possibly being nervous
about the wedding. Yeah, it's like, well, then just use
(42:32):
it as an opportunity, use this like hang out, use
this moment to like learn And doesn't mean you're like
taking notes necessarily, Yeah, but maybe in your head you
are a little like see just learn see and like
get to know these people as people, not just like
a wash of like this culture, right, Like it's like
(42:52):
individually like paying attention to like because you know, every
family has its culture. Every family, like every unit of
friends has its own culture, right like every everybody Like
in my house, we take our shoes off, you know,
Like yeah, there's little things that belong to every group
that are signs of them being a group together, and
(43:14):
you know, like trying to stay open to what they
can teach you about themselves. So I think that's like
kind of the fun of like you so like the
fun of getting to know people and being alive, Like
what are you doing? You're just like hanging on your
house like just by yourself, like reading Mad magazine, Like
no offense, Mad magazine, but you know what you what
(43:36):
are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah? Yeah, and
I yeah, I've always felt like I don't know, it
makes my life every time I get to meet someone
who's feels very different from me. I don't know, there's
like growth in that, right, Like yeah, it's cool. It
like fills fills your cup in a different way, makes
(43:57):
your life a little fuller, you know, And it's just
find I find those experiences and those encounters exciting, you know,
And I don't know, maybe there's a way to have
conversations with your parents, Rachel, where you can steer it
more in that direction. You know, like, look at how
exciting this is. Doesn't have to be scary or you know,
(44:20):
just because it's different, Like it's you know, you would
never have had this experience in your life, and now
you're getting to have this whole new experience and it's
not taking anything away, it's just adding. It's all adding, yeah,
you know, and you know, keep keep it more about that. Wow,
we solved it for you, Rachel and Ross. We fucking
(44:42):
solved it. We solved we solved it. You're welcome, welcome.
Look out for our bill. It'll be coming in the mail.
More better, I feel like, I mean, I hope we
(45:04):
gave her some solid me too advice. But that was hard,
and like, yeah, it's hard. It's hard. Everybody's dealing with
it in some way or another, you know. Yeah, yeah, friends, families,
this is a real multicultural world, real multicultural country. Open
yourself up or get left behind. Babe. Hey, I feel yeah,
(45:29):
I feel a little bit more better. I was a
little intimidated by this one. I don't know. It was
kind of an interesting one to talk out though. It
was something yeah that I've definitely encountered, but not necessarily
I think unpacked or thought about a lot. I've about
it a lot. I know you. And with that, dear listeners,
(45:49):
we leave you thanks for thanks for tuning in. And
like Mossa said, if you guys have questions that you
want to ask us, or like topics you want to
cover whatever, like, come on, maybe we'll do like a
like an EPP words just listener questions and we'll just
like yeah, fast, fasty fire those I love that idea.
Oh okay, get ready for that one. Guys, see you
(46:11):
next time. Bye bye, More More Better. Do you have
something you'd like to be more better at that you
want us to talk about in a future episode. Can
you relate to our struggles or have you tried one
of our tips and tricks? Shoot us your thoughts and
ideas at Morebetter pod at gmail dot com and include
a voice note if you want to be featured on
the pod. Ooh More Better with Stephanie Melissa is a
(46:34):
production from Wvsound and iHeartMedia's Mikutura podcast network hosted by Me,
Stephanie Beatriz, and Melissa FUMERA More Better is produced by
Isis Madrid and Sophie Spencer Zagos. Our executive producers are
Wilmer Valderrama and Leo Klem at Wvsound. This episode was
edited by Isis Madrid and engineered by Sean Tracy and
features original music by Madison Davenport and Heylo Boy. Our
(46:57):
cover art is by Vincent Remis and photography by Davis.
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. See you
next week, Sucker up, bye,
Did you realize that I did upon job? John bon
Jovi quote, just then, No, it's my life. It's now ormember.
I'm I ain't gonna god, how did I miss that?
Where can I hand in my jersey card? Jesus more Better,
More Better? Just for posterity reasons, I want on the
(00:34):
recording for everyone to know that our producer Isis didn't
hit record and I did like probably the greatest intro
that I've ever done on anything ever. It was so clean.
I sounded so profreshed. Anyway, this is More Better, a
podcast where we stop pretending to try to have it
all together. You know what you're listening to. It's us
trying to be better at life. That's so Romo laughing
(00:57):
in the background, and that is Stephanie Beatrice. Hey, y'all,
I'm just drinking my coffee. Sorry, you're in rare form today.
I really am. This is what we got. Here's my
life hack for those of you don't that have trouble
working out in the morning. I did it. I bought
(01:20):
myself a tiny little espresso maker. It's one of those
little boopy doo You just press them in the boot
bump bump, and then you're done, and I have a
shot of espresso at seven am, and then I walk
my ass downstairs to the basement and fucking work out
yep yah, and so then I have my regular coffee later,
which is why I am in rear form right now. Yeah,
(01:41):
I like it. I hate that little No, I'm the
same sometimes I am. If I'm I'm going our setup
is in the garage, or even if I'm going to
a class, I just I do this thing where I
almost like try to turn my brain off. I don't
think about where I'm going. I just am like, put
(02:02):
one foot in front of the other, bitch, drink your coffee,
get in the car, and then you will get there
and you will have no choice. You have no choice
because you are just there and you will do the thing.
Maybe you'll do it well today, maybe you won't, but
you did it. You did it. That's why I think
a lot of the time. Why it's my workout closer
(02:22):
and the drawer and they're like all everything's together, like
the socks are right above where the pants are and
the bras are and it's just grab, grab, don't think,
go downstairs, Like I don't have to think because if
I have to think about trying to do it. It's
not gonna happen because I have to think twice. I
mean I had to think twice this month. I was
like I want to and Brad was like, you better
do it. You're gonna be sad that you didn't do it. Yeah. Yeah.
(02:46):
The workout closes is another one too. Sometimes I'll just
put workout clothes on to go drop the kids off,
and then there's something about having the outfit on that
where I'm like, well, no, I gotta do it. I
gotta do it. Yeah, otherwise I gotta get dressed. I'm
off actually, so if I put them on and then
I'm like, oh, work out later, I never do. Oh,
I'm just like I just I'm like living at my
(03:06):
ladies ladies who lunch moment and I'm like, I don't know,
I'm just like running errands and my yoga pants, you know,
like I can't I have to do I have to
do it first. I have to do it first thing
otherwise it's not gonna happen. Or I can sign up
for a class like in the evening or something, but oh,
that's my favorite, Like signing up for the class and
then you know, you spend the money. Yeah, and you're like,
(03:29):
now I have to go. Two days ago, I was
sitting in our front yard and uh so nice outside
of sitting in our front yard and Brad and Ross
came out and Brad handed me in Appearl sprits and
I was like, oh my god, it was so I
did it. And then I was like shit because I
signed up for You're like the epsy doodle that was.
(03:55):
That did kind of suck because I was like, dang,
I can't go now, like, yeah, what we're gonna do?
I can't I mean not drink your approls. Yeah, in
the beautiful day and Friday, think about it until like
halfway through the approl sprits, you know, oh yeah yeah,
and it's over. It's over. Yeah, It's okay, you're human.
It's fine, I'm human. What have you done lately? That's
more better. I guess we just talked about it, honestly, yeah,
(04:18):
kind of you know. I are you working on in
the ATL are you doing? Do people call it this?
Does everyone just hate me for calling it this? I
don't know. I haven't been here long enough. I don't
think people say ATL. Nobody calls it that that's so dumb. Ya,
that's the air, that's very the atl. What am I doing?
(04:38):
What is the I don't know, how's it going in
the lax yi yike. I was on a really good
run of working out and then was working a lot,
and it just it hasn't really happened in uh, probably
more than two weeks, which sucks because that means, first
(05:01):
of all, there's that fun thing where you get like
I get like achy and like little pains when I'm
not working out. I don't know what that's about. Is
it just like getting older or is it like because
you've been working out and then your body gets used
to I don't know. I don't know, but my knee's
hurt and yeah cool. And then I just know that
(05:23):
whenever I do work out, it's going to suck so bad. Yeah,
those first few workouts and uh, and then you just
have to like push through and you feel like you're
starting over and you're like more sore, even though you're like,
all I did was a fucking squat, not even multiple squats.
(05:43):
I did a squat, and now I can't walk and
you feel bad about yourself and it fucking sucks. And
then you just have to like push through that phase.
And so like that's where I am now, Like I
just know that that is uh where I am headed.
Whenever I well, next week, I have some time. I'm
next week, so I know I'm going to work out
next week and it's gonna suck. It's gonna suck. What
(06:05):
if you had acceptance of the suckage, you know what
I mean, radical acceptance of the suckage. Yes, you just
have to sort of go, okay, this is what I mean,
Like if you want, because I straight up will resist.
I'll be like, oh no, it's going to be so hard.
It's going to be And then like three weeks have
passed by. That's where I'm at right now. Because I
(06:25):
was like in my closet trying on clothes and I
was like, this skirt doesn't fit. I don't understand, Like
I guess this up in the same way. I mean,
I got it on, but it didn't it wasn't giving
what I wanted it to give. So I was like,
what is going on? How could this be? And I
was like it's because I haven't been waking out at all.
(06:45):
I was like not doing anything. So you know, that
combined with like a sedentary lifestyle. It's probably gonna change.
It's going to happen. You know it's going to happen.
But yeah, I don't today. Yeah, I just had to
sort of go whoa, yeah, okay, like, let's do this
more better? Why why would I have done anything more better?
(07:09):
I'm just hanging out in my house. I mean it's
been nice. I've got therapy, you know, Like, listen, you
have earned a RESTful period, a RESTful season, and you
are making the most of it. And I think that
that's amazing. I am making the most of it. Ish Yeah, yeah,
(07:29):
I mean, listen, have ever did I buy three thirty
inch necklaces off of atsy yesterday because they were each
price to twenty dollars? Yes? I did making the most
of it. I made the most of it. I'm going
on a tangent. Guys, Come on, this is three technically
this is a third espresso, so more better? What are
(07:54):
we talking about today? We are talking about something a
little heavy. It comes from a listener. We'll see, We'll see,
John accept it. Today's topic comes from a listener. And
as a reminder, if you listeners out there, whoever you
(08:15):
may be, need help with something in your life or
you have an idea for us. Please send us an
email at Morebetter Pod at gmail dot com. You can
include a voice note and we will feature it on
the pod. And today we have an email. Shall I
read it? Yes? Read it? Okay? It is from Rachel, Hi, Stephanie,
(08:37):
Melissa and team. I've really enjoyed the More Better podcast,
so thank you all for your hard work. I have
a question I've been mulling over for a while and
would love any advice or even just shared stories some
context for you. My husband and I just got married
in October twenty twenty four, which was amazing Corets, congrats.
(08:58):
We had been together for about six years before getting married,
and we lived together for two years as well. Fairy sound.
I am white and my husband is Indian. Born in
India but grew up in the US. From the start
of our relationship, my parents had always been pretty chill
about cultural and religious differences and quickly came to love him.
His parents were not thrilled with me being white and Christian,
(09:20):
but came to love and accept me as well. We
planned our wedding to honor both cultures, with two different
ceremonies and including different traditions from both sides, gorgeous cool.
My family had been relatively hands off during a wedding process,
and I perceived them as being laid back about everything
until just two days before my wedding. Oh God, I'm scared.
(09:43):
My parents expressed fears over our combined wedding and how
I seem to be quote losing myself and my faith
because we were doing a lot of traditional Hindu rituals
as well. Oh my Okay, needless to say, this horribly
upset me. Of course it did, and I felt extremely
betrayed by this sudden opinion. I feel like it came
(10:06):
from them being uncomfortable and avoiding it since we planned
the wedding for over a year and did not hide
anything totally. Yeah, trying to keep a long story short ish.
All the wedding festivities went beautifully and both families had
an amazing time. However, months after, I'm still processing and
working through the hurt that came right before we got married.
(10:27):
So with this backstory, my question is, how do you
handle sharing parts of your culture or loved ones, culture, beliefs,
et cetera with those outside of it. Any advice for
navigating multicultural families or friend groups. How to handle criticism
with it. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Rachel. Ooh, Rachel,
(10:49):
how to handle criticism with it? You could just be like,
don't be still closed minded, you fucking closed minded. Button.
That's dialogue, though, don't do that out loud. Don't do
that out loud. Yeah, so sucks. Sucks. My heart goes
(11:09):
out to Rachel. That's a really tough thing. I'm so
sorry your family sprung that on you two days before
your wedding, which, you know what, I feel like that's
always the case though, like not just with this topic,
but like anytime particularly, I don't know what weddings do
to parents. They will like sit on their opinion, sit
(11:31):
on their opinions until they become like they burst right
before the wedding like a boil, like a yackfle And
then you're just like, what the fuck?
Speaker 2 (11:40):
First of all, this is not your wedding, it's out wedding.
And second of all, why don't you say this shit
to begin with? This is a lesson, and don't keep
shit inside.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Say what you think or feel in a nice, appropriate,
empathetic way, because you're supposed to be my family Damn,
I am in a marriage where my family is Bolivian
and Colombian and my husband's family is not, but they are.
I think he's like, I don't know, the dnahs is hilarious.
(12:12):
It's like one hundred percent European, you know. But you know,
there's different kinds of people have different reactions to being
introduced to new cultures. I think one of the cool
things about having a kid is that, uh, I can
(12:33):
see how heavy my influence kind of lands with my kids.
You know, the things that I say and how I
am around her inform how she feels about the world too,
because like at this point, I'm her hero, you know, Like, right,
they listen to everything that we say. You know, however
(12:59):
you're parents feel about your husband, and however his parents
felt about you, they each did a good enough job
of raising two people that like, we're interested and curious
about the world and fell in love with someone that
was unlike themselves, and yeah, and like you should put
(13:20):
yourself on the back about that, right, you know, Like
you and Ross are in love? And did you like
that that I named him Ross? Just then I was like, wait, Nan,
you and Ross are deeply in love, and yeah, I mean,
(13:42):
this is such a hard question because, like you know,
in my experience, most of the time, people are pretty
interested and open, but have some fear, you know, because
it's being introduced to cultures that are not like yourself.
Your can be like, yes, what's this going to be?
I'm not used to it. I don't know what it is,
(14:04):
you know, Yes, I don't know where this lands. Like
I don't I've never had an experience like this before.
I'm a little nervous or worried or like I don't
know how to be, you know. And the less you've
been exposed to different cultures in your own life, the
more fear you're going to have about it. So like, yeah,
(14:27):
you know, if the only exposure you have to other
cultures is going out to eat at different kinds of restaurants, like,
that's gonna be hard for you when you get to
a wedding that is very, very different culturally than your own.
I just yeah, like it's hard because like it sounds
(14:47):
like what happened is they had a bunch of feelings
and then they like busted out with them two days
before the wedding. All you can continue to do and
it sounds like everybody had fun at the wedding. So like,
all you can continue to do is slowly gently foster
a environment in which when your husband's uh, culture and
(15:15):
and like traditions. Yeah, parts of that are like involved.
You can choose which way to go about it, right,
Like if you you can choose to be it sucks
because it lands on you, right, Like it's going to
be like a little bit more emotional labor for Rachel. Yes,
this is what this is, and this is what this is,
(15:38):
and here's some you know, like here's some explanations of this,
and like I want you know, like and this is
why I like this, and this is what I how
it's important to it and why we we think it's
important to include in our life for our children's life.
And yeah, and just like hold their hand a little bit. Maybe, Yeah,
(15:58):
the hand holding is restrating because you want to be like,
what the fuck? The Internet's right there, you guys, But
can you do some of this work? You can you
utilize Google a little bit? Yeah, the handholding it also
does make it personal. So in my experience with for example,
some of my husband's family, they've been really curious and
(16:20):
they just don't know and so when I talk about it,
it's fun for them to be, you know, interested, They're interested,
they want to know more. They have like, they have questions.
Some of their questions are hilarious, but I try to
answer them as best I can, you know, even you know,
(16:42):
I think the more that you can accept that they're
trying it sounds like they're trying, the more that you
can come at them with like a less frustrated, more
kind of like open. But at the same time, it's like,
(17:04):
you know, some of your parents maybe prejudices are showing
through if they're saying things like we're afraid we're gonna
lose you, We're afraid we're gonna you know, like, depending
on certain people's religions, it can feel like a battle
for somebody's soul to be like, oh no, you have
to be a practicing xyz, you know, and that can
(17:26):
get really tricky and sticky. And I don't really have
any advice about that because I don't practice a specific religion.
So yeah, I don't know, do you. I don't even know,
do you You're not like I don't know. No, we
don't really practice. We have religious traditions that we love,
but yeah, yes, yeah, spiritual perhaps, but I've definitely seen
(17:52):
that dynamic with some Jewish friends I have that have
married non Jewish people, and it, you know, can be tricky.
And some of them celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish
holidays and sort of do like a combined thing, and
(18:13):
some have just fully converted, and you know, I think, yeah,
the religious part can be really tricky. And ultimately though,
like since you and Ross got married, you this is
the start of your family, yeah, and it is a
blended family and outside of and it can be hard
(18:34):
and tricky, but you two will decide together what your
combined life and culture and traditions are going to look
like and what makes sense for you, and people are
gonna have fucking opinions about it, and you know, and
it's we're not here to today like that's gonna be easy,
(18:54):
Like it's not, you know, I'm sure it's gonna be
tough at times, particularly if there's any traditions you choose
to not do anymore or engage in or replace maybe
with some that you connect with more from your husband's side. Like,
however it all lays out, I think boundaries kind of
(19:16):
come into play here, and like reminding yourself that this
is especially if you have kids, like this is, or
even if you don't have kids, this is your new
family unit, right, and it's your new life and it's
how you want it to look and be and and
you know it's hey, and that's okay, and you can
(19:38):
still have empathy for your families and their opinions. But
then eventually you have to get to the point where
it's like I hear you, I empathize, I'm sorry you're upset,
but this is our life. It's my life. It's now
or ever. I ain't gonna live forever. This is my life.
This is how yeah, this this is how we want
(20:01):
to live our life. And these are the things that
we want to include in our life. And that just
you know, it is what it is. And you know,
there's lots of families I think that have to navigate that,
and hopefully everyone will come to a place where you know,
they see the value in it, especially like if they
see you happy, they see you guys happy and you
(20:23):
have a happy life, hopefully they are open and love
you enough to see that you're doing what's best for
you and your family. Did you realize that I did
a bon Jovi John bon Jovi quote just son, No,
it's my life. It's now or never. I'm gonna god,
how did I miss that? Can I hand in my
jersey card? Jesus? I can't sing it, you guys, because
(20:47):
we'll have to pay sorry to the State of New Jersey,
r Jersey girl, and to bon Jovi for not clocking that.
Oh God, I'm embarrassed or better. I think part of this,
(21:08):
like especially with marriages and people making their new family. Yes,
it's like some families do have a and this is
like across the board and lots of different cultures, they
have a sort of like you owe it to us
to live your life the way that we've taught you,
(21:29):
you know, right, And that's harry on the family, the
way we built the family. And it's very tricky, right,
Like I mean, tricky is not the word that I
want to use, but I don't know what word to use.
It's fucking frustrating, and like you've got to decide whether
(21:51):
or not you're going to do that, whether you're going
to say, yes, my parents have ultimate control of my marriage,
or if you're going to say no, that's not okay
for me, you know. And and I don't know what
it sounds like. It sounds like, you know, Rachel and Ross,
what you want out of your lives, Like you guys
(22:13):
met each other, and even though his parents at first
were like you guys were like, we're getting married, we
love each other. For some people, it's more complex than that.
It might be more challenging than that. I will say,
I'm certainly I know people that are estranged from their
families because of it, you know, and that's really really tough.
(22:36):
But those are the choices that you ultimately have to make,
because I think if you want to be the kind
of person that is that you describe yourself as, like
I'm open minded, I want to learn about the world,
I want to learn about different cultures, I want to
learn about this kind of stuff. Like, then that's a
that's you get to choose that for your life. And
(22:57):
there's some people that don't want that, you know, Like
we're seeing it more and more all over the world
right now. They're like, it's my way or the highway,
it's this way, and everybody else's way is wrong, which
I don't really understand because, like you know, if you
look at historically the history of people on the planet.
That's just not how we do it. We don't really
do it like that. So trying to fit a square
(23:21):
peg in a round hole is a bit strange in
that way. I think if you're a listener of this podcast,
you probably skew kind of like open minded if you're
at this point in the podcast and you don't I
don't really know why you're hanging around, but maybe like
the sounds of our voices, what can we do? Maybe
(23:42):
they're melodious. I just feel like there's and there's lots
of ways to integrate two different cultures, three different cultures,
four different cultures in your family, right, Like there's ways
of of like you know, choosing picking and choosing like
(24:02):
what you want to celebrate how you want to. I mean,
like listen, we are not My family is not pagan.
But there's some cool like pagan winter Solstice things that
we did this year because I thought they were really
interesting for Roz to hear about, like the wheel of
time and like my stuff that I don't really know about,
(24:23):
but I wanted to introduce the ideas to her a
little bit, and like you know, just sort of like
learning about like where religious holidays come from. And like
how they've evolved over the years and listen choose three,
So like it was like Chapin's books, you know, and
me looking at books too, and you know, I'm fascinated
(24:44):
and interested in different cultures and how they celebrate and
like how how like different cultures have echoes of similar
things in you know, there's so many For example, there's
so many winter ish around wintertime celebrations that had to
with light and light coming back, like going away, the
(25:05):
celebration of light, what light means, like human beings are
all we're also connected. And I don't know, I just
think like the finding the similarities and different kinds of
cultures can be interesting too. That could be maybe a
way to kind of like attack it with family that's
like what is this? I don't know what this is?
You know? Oh yeah, yeah. And I have to wonder too,
(25:27):
like going back to their reaction a couple of days
before the wedding, kind of off of what you said, Stephanie,
is a little bit I have to wonder too if
it's maybe just more that feeling of being uncomfortable and
maybe it was more projection, Maybe it was more about
(25:50):
them than it actually is about you. Know, you know,
it always is right. Like I can remember, you know,
first time I was at like a cultural wedding and
feeling like, oh am I going to mess up? Oh
I don't know the dances or I don't know what
comes next, and everyone else seems too and it's uncomfortable.
And it's really easy to go to a place because
(26:12):
you're a human being of like I don't like this,
I don't you know, like why why do they have
to do this? But that's just like resistance, you know,
that's just like being uncomfortable, and it can be hard
sometimes to just like, oh, nobody wants to be uncomfortable.
Nobody wants to be uncomfortable. Humanity are like constantly avoiding
any kind of still avoiding that, you know what I mean.
(26:34):
And so maybe that was about like are they gonna
look dumb, you know, and some of the more traditional
Indian aspects of the wedding and are they going to
mess up? Or are they going to do the wrong thing?
And like maybe it was about that, you know, to
give them the benefit of the doubt and like maybe
or maybe they'd always imagined you know you and some
(26:55):
kind of like rightific church setting and now they're not
getting exactly what they want and they can't kind of
they have to come to deal with it, yes, and
they have to like rewire the image and their brains
and like, Okay, it's gonna look like this, And off
topic just for a second, though, I have always wanted
to go to a fucking Indian wedding. They look so
bomb and so fun. South Asian parties period are just
(27:19):
the best and greatest parties. I don't know what it is.
I just I really the color, it's so beautiful. It's
like anyways, that was just a side tangent side. Do
you want to invite me to your You're beautiful? Glorious?
You're beautiful glorious? I was. When I got married. My
(27:43):
mom was like, well, you're not going to do it
in a church and I was like no. She's like,
why you're not gonna have a priest and I was like, no,
we don't. We don't practice, Like, yeah, we're not, We're
not doing that, and like she had a hard time
with that. She had a really hard time with it,
you know at first. Yeah, So sometimes it really is
just like your parents having these expectations or dreams of
(28:06):
you know, they've been around you since you were little,
and they sure this day many time about it, you know,
particularly with girls. Yeah, and it's true. It's it's really like,
it can be challenging to let go of your own
expectations of your children as a mother. And she's only three,
(28:27):
so you know, you're a grown person. It can be
challenging for my mom to let go of expectations of me.
And I'm a grown, grown, grown person, you know, and
she still thinks of me as like a ten year old.
My sister is an eight year old, you know. So
there's a it's a fine line between like cutting them
some slack and also knowing when to be like whoa bro? No,
(28:49):
like not that's sokay, prejudice, you're not opening your mind.
I need you to do harder work because you're going
to lose our relationship. You know. I'm not saying like
to make threats or anything, but I do think it's like, yeah,
I think calling about yeah, bulling them in. And you know,
everyone's like family's everything, family has everything, and family is everything.
(29:12):
Family is so special. But that doesn't mean family can
do anything exactly, you know, that part, that part, it
doesn't mean that they can't treat you badly. They can't
manipulate you into They shouldn't manipulate you into doing what
they want. You're not an extension of your parents. You're
your own person. You're your own person. You're not an
(29:35):
extension of your parents. And I think particularly for people
that you know are coming into their own and being
grown ups now, I think I don't think that their
parents knew that, right. I think everybody thought, oh, well,
my kid is a little me, you know, an extension
of me. And yeah, it really is like a newer concept.
(29:55):
I think of trying to parent from a place of
thinking of our childre and as their own individuals and
their own people, and that really our jobs as parents
are to get to know them. Yeah, steward steward them
through life. But it's not our lives, not at all.
I mean, I will say, like, isis our producer. I
(30:16):
just sent us this article from very well mind that
is about how when your parents disapprove of your marriage,
not saying that yours due, but because we're talking about
this kind of stuff, it can be really challenging and
it can take a toll on your marriage, Like it
could be really tricky. That's stupid word. But the article
(30:43):
is really cool because like the main points in it are, like,
help your parents get to know your partner, consider counseling,
Like that's something to consider, right, Like if they're open
to it, plan for the future, like you can, you know,
like if there is a wedge between your parents and
your like maybe you don't force your spouse to go
(31:04):
with you to events that are more of your family
and you know they are going to be like hard
on your spouse. You know, I'm not saying that this
is Rachel and Ross's experience because but maybe it's Monica
and Chandler's. I don't know, you know, like I would say,
I think that this is the quote that I thought
(31:25):
was really cool from this article. Don't allow your parents'
reservations to destroy your relationship with your fiance or spouse.
Studies show the parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism,
and conflict in a marriage. But it can and also
can be a reoccurring topic of your arguments that can
drive a wedge between you both if that happens. Considered
seeing a marriage counselor. I think it's really important to
(31:48):
talk about this stuff with your partner, even though it
might be like and you guys, obviously they have it,
sounds like, but continuing that conversation as you're marriage goes
along as your parents, both both of you as your parents' age,
and continuing to talk about, like how you want to
integrate both of your cultures so that both of you
(32:11):
feel seen in the relationship is really important, you know,
Like I spend so much time in my childhood and
adolescents assimilating and now as an adult, I really really
desire a connection to much more of my own Latini dad,
(32:32):
because I want my daughter to have access to it
in a way that feels not like she's having to
necessarily pick up a book and read about it, but
that she has memories and experiences from holidays that's a
part of her life. That's a part of her life. Yeah,
that's part of her you know. And like, and some
(32:53):
of those aren't necessarily my own cultural traditions, but that
I've adopted because I'm LEATINGO in the United States, and
I want, you know, I want her to celebrate the
little Mortals and I think it's a really beautiful holiday,
and like that's important saying and yeah, she is she
recognizes now that that's coming, and she's excited about it
(33:13):
and wants to like be a part of it. Yeah.
I think the other uh sorry, tricky thing and this
in some of these family dynamics too, is also finding
(33:38):
the moments like yes, having complete open communication with your spouse,
but also being careful to not become the thing that's
like between your spouse and their parents, you know, like
I mean, well that can try, but yeah, so it can. Well,
(33:59):
I think it can be some You know, if your
mother in law you know, says something where to you,
you know, you might have to decide whether you just
like keep that to yourself or share it with your husband,
you know what I mean, Like depends on your boundaries
your own personally. I think it becomes to your own Yes,
(34:20):
like where where obviously if the line is crossed, like yeah,
to share that with your spouse, but but what's your line?
But what's your line? You know? If it's just kind
of like I didn't that bothered me? You know, you
know you're gonna have to decide like the areas that
you just like choose to deal with yourself. Yeah, as
your own person and your own person married who is
(34:43):
married to him, right, and the things that you let
go or just kind of like I'm just gonna like
push that. I'm not gonna give that any power. I'm
not going to give that any you know space. It's
a hard one. It can be a hard one. It
can be, and then you know what to really bring
because also I think it can get uh, unintentionally harder
(35:07):
if you know you are creating even more at tension
between your spouse and their parents too, Like that can be.
That can be tricky to navigate like that dynamic because
they have their whole relationship, their whole life, all the
hardships they've been through. Sure, and you know, I think
are you adding to the plate? You mean, yes, you know,
(35:29):
are you adding to the plate? You know? And sometimes
I think you have to be selective and thoughtful about
what battles to choose. Totally makes sense. That's a good point.
That's a good point. I mean, I would say, you know,
if it's if it's about if it's just like about
(35:50):
like you know, I don't know, normal in law kind
of stuff, that's something right, right. If it's about well,
it's about I don't want you teaching, you know, she
should learn Spanish, you know, like because she's an American,
which is like what you know, like, and I think
(36:11):
like that that's uh, you know having I mean, speaking
from personal experience, there's only so much like choking down
that you should allow yourself to do. Yeah, some of
that is just gnarly, right. I I have a friend
who she's got a kid, and her kid loves hanging
(36:34):
out with her cousins. But the cousin's parents are like
pretty uh they're they can be very close minded about
the way that little girls should should be allowed to dress,
for example, And Okay, that's really difficult for my friend
(36:56):
because as somebody who she just like is like lives
in her own body and like it is like she
kind of can't help that. She's like a babe and
like she just is who she is. And she also
doesn't project sexuality onto her child, you know, right, And
this these family members kind of are like her shorts
(37:16):
are too short, her shirt is too short, you know,
like whatever, whatever, and it's like, uh, you know, that's
a for them. It's like a religious difference in like
how that particular family feels feels is okay, right, But
for my friend, she's like, well, then I'm just going
(37:37):
to take her out of that situation because like, yeah,
I'm not going to have her for her, for her
and her family, it's not it doesn't feel right to
have her have to change the way she's freely dressing
in the summer because of that, right cause she's a
little girl, she's like kid. So yeah, you have to
(37:59):
kind of like pick your battles, like you said, but
you also like don't. I mean, I would encourage you
not to bend over backwards because it does get worse.
Meaning like it people will if you give them an inch,
they'll take a mile, and so you do have to
I'm really glad that Rachel went through with the wedding
(38:20):
the way she wanted to go through with it, the
way they wanted to. Ye. Yes, like, kudos to you.
Pow yourself on the back. Yeah, because people will, they
will stick their nose in and be like you should
do it this way, you should be living this way.
I don't like this, I don't want this. And if
you give them an inch, they will take a mile
and they'll be like, oh, well she listened to me
about this. I wanted to listen to me about this
(38:41):
other thing. Now, you know. And let's also before we
wrap up talk about is just gave us also some
great articles here about the benefits of biculturalism. Oh yeah,
are so many. So there's one hear the Psychological impact
of Biculturalism Evidence and theory. The alternation model, which means biculturalism,
(39:10):
is a model that suggests that a person can become
proficient into different cultures without having to sacrifice their original
cultural identity or feel forced to choose one over the other,
essentially allowing them to comfortably navigate both cultures depending on
the situation. I love this quote because I feel like
it just you know, I think that's so true. I
(39:33):
think the more cultures were exposed to, the more people
that are different from us, the more flexible, flexible, and
proficient we can become. You can, you know, and don't
you ultimately want that for your kid? You want them
to be able to go into any room and be
comfortable with the people that are there and not feel
like out of place or you know, or be able
(39:54):
to you know. This is where like the idea of
code switching even comes from, you know, which is a
lot of bicultural people sort of do annoying naturally, naturally right,
It's like they just flow between different groups of people.
And I think in that there's also a lot of
open mindedness tolerance, right, Like we're just teaching you know,
(40:17):
to kind of love everyone, right and like judge people
based on like their character and their their actions or
words rather than you know, all these ex external things.
And so I think that there's a lot of benefits
from multiculturalism or biculturalism that can come from your sort
(40:40):
of blended family and like, what a beautiful experience if
you choose to have kids, what you uh, what a
beautiful experience in life you're going to give them, you know,
and what a special person you're going to set out
in the world when they're grown. I think also, you know,
in terms of handling when people are critical, there's a
(41:04):
lot of whisk go about it. To me, I always
defer to humor, sure, but I think humor and honesty
together is sort of like the most direct route. I
feel like, like, uh, you know, if if somebody is
saying something like really specifically to me prejudiced, then I
(41:27):
give myself the aokay, the highest sign to be like
yes to do it, Stephanie, And I'm like, WHOA, I
do not think that means what you think it means.
You know, we're some kind of like riff on, like whoa,
I know you didn't mean to say it like that,
and then dig a little deeper and see if they
did mean to say it like that, and then it
can become at least a back and forth at least
(41:50):
some conversation happens. Yeah. Man, but like in terms of uh,
you know, navigating multicultural families or friend groups, like like
I don't know, like I'm I My default is always
like listen, like mouth closed and eyes open and ears open,
(42:11):
and like listen, like listen to people's experiences, Listen to
how people are talking to each other, Listen to what
the vibe is. Try to catch the vibe. You know,
don't make it about you, make it about learning about them.
You know. It's the same kind of thing that you
were talking about Melissa about her parents possibly being nervous
about the wedding. Yeah, it's like, well, then just use
(42:32):
it as an opportunity, use this like hang out, use
this moment to like learn And doesn't mean you're like
taking notes necessarily, Yeah, but maybe in your head you
are a little like see just learn see and like
get to know these people as people, not just like
a wash of like this culture, right, Like it's like
(42:52):
individually like paying attention to like because you know, every
family has its culture. Every family, like every unit of
friends has its own culture, right like every everybody Like
in my house, we take our shoes off, you know,
Like yeah, there's little things that belong to every group
that are signs of them being a group together, and
(43:14):
you know, like trying to stay open to what they
can teach you about themselves. So I think that's like
kind of the fun of like you so like the
fun of getting to know people and being alive, Like
what are you doing? You're just like hanging on your
house like just by yourself, like reading Mad magazine, Like
no offense, Mad magazine, but you know what you what
(43:36):
are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah? Yeah, and
I yeah, I've always felt like I don't know, it
makes my life every time I get to meet someone
who's feels very different from me. I don't know, there's
like growth in that, right, Like yeah, it's cool. It
like fills fills your cup in a different way, makes
(43:57):
your life a little fuller, you know, And it's just
find I find those experiences and those encounters exciting, you know,
And I don't know, maybe there's a way to have
conversations with your parents, Rachel, where you can steer it
more in that direction. You know, like, look at how
exciting this is. Doesn't have to be scary or you know,
(44:20):
just because it's different, Like it's you know, you would
never have had this experience in your life, and now
you're getting to have this whole new experience and it's
not taking anything away, it's just adding. It's all adding, yeah,
you know, and you know, keep keep it more about that. Wow,
we solved it for you, Rachel and Ross. We fucking
(44:42):
solved it. We solved we solved it. You're welcome, welcome.
Look out for our bill. It'll be coming in the mail.
More better, I feel like, I mean, I hope we
(45:04):
gave her some solid me too advice. But that was hard,
and like, yeah, it's hard. It's hard. Everybody's dealing with
it in some way or another, you know. Yeah, yeah, friends, families,
this is a real multicultural world, real multicultural country. Open
yourself up or get left behind. Babe. Hey, I feel yeah,
(45:29):
I feel a little bit more better. I was a
little intimidated by this one. I don't know. It was
kind of an interesting one to talk out though. It
was something yeah that I've definitely encountered, but not necessarily
I think unpacked or thought about a lot. I've about
it a lot. I know you. And with that, dear listeners,
(45:49):
we leave you thanks for thanks for tuning in. And
like Mossa said, if you guys have questions that you
want to ask us, or like topics you want to
cover whatever, like, come on, maybe we'll do like a
like an EPP words just listener questions and we'll just
like yeah, fast, fasty fire those I love that idea.
Oh okay, get ready for that one. Guys, see you
(46:11):
next time. Bye bye, More More Better. Do you have
something you'd like to be more better at that you
want us to talk about in a future episode. Can
you relate to our struggles or have you tried one
of our tips and tricks? Shoot us your thoughts and
ideas at Morebetter pod at gmail dot com and include
a voice note if you want to be featured on
the pod. Ooh More Better with Stephanie Melissa is a
(46:34):
production from Wvsound and iHeartMedia's Mikutura podcast network hosted by Me,
Stephanie Beatriz, and Melissa FUMERA More Better is produced by
Isis Madrid and Sophie Spencer Zagos. Our executive producers are
Wilmer Valderrama and Leo Klem at Wvsound. This episode was
edited by Isis Madrid and engineered by Sean Tracy and
features original music by Madison Davenport and Heylo Boy. Our
(46:57):
cover art is by Vincent Remis and photography by Davis.
For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. See you
next week, Sucker up, bye,
Hosts And Creators
Stephanie Beatriz
Melissa Fumero
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