September 21, 2020 • 28 mins
This week’s hometowns include a family murder mystery and a water park rescue.
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Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hello, and welcome to my favorite Murder the minisode.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Here you go.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
We made you believe it.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Can you that we read you your stuff?
Speaker 1 (00:23):
We read it right into your ear hole?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
And that's how this podcasting thing works.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
And that's what people come back for a week after week,
an ear hole massage from our vocal cords to your ew.
What are they called the little things inside your ear?
They're like the uh there's like a horn and a
harp or something. There's little cones, rods and cones are
in your eyes.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Size ear doctors are screaming it right now, please e
nts rep rep hard with this one.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Am I thinking of the bread basket on the Operation
Game and I'm totally wrong about this. I think there's
something in our ear that's shaped like a thing.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
It's definitely like a like a wishbone on this or.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You Stephen is his head on the desk, Stephen, when
you got your your your degree, sickle and hammer? Oh
that's oh that's in Russia. You have that?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Yeah, yeah, Stephen. You don't moonlight as an ant.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Stephen, you told us, you said the last time you
were looking in my ear with that little weird thing
with the light in it.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You said, Oh, Karen, I've been looking for this video
to send you because our new thing, our new pimple
popping video thing is dogs getting the hair taken out
of their ears. It's crazy. There's like an onreddit. There's
like a subreddit called oddly satisfying that's like just fun
to watch, you know. And there was this fucking poodle.
(01:51):
I can't find it, and they just like pulled this.
Groomers pulled this and the dog you could tell the
dog went ooh like the dog yes, chills And I
can't find it. So you should see my insane Google
search of poodle satisfied yours, Like, the shit that's coming
up is not right, but what poodle chills? We'll get there.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Poodle chills right now?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Poodle chills. Okay, you want to little chills all day?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Sure. The subject line of this is suppressed Memories found
nineteen years later. Oooh right, hey, beauties. Oh that's a
great one, thank you. I grew up in central Minnesota,
essentially farm country, and now I live in northern Minnesota
lake Country. Last week and I went home to see
my parents and we decided to go out to a movie.
(02:40):
On the drive, we were discussing how I've always had crazy,
good long term memory, just fun stuff to pass the time.
And what do you like about me? Well, bragg brag.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
You can do that around your parents. They'll just like
they'll indulge yourself fucking your high self worth, that's right.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
What's what's something about me that you find very impressive?
Why do you remember me being your child? Yeah? Why
do you Why do you get that look in your
eye when you look over at me, Oh, it's your
memory almost entirely. We talked about all different people and
places from my childhood, and my parents were shocked I
knew any of the things I brought up, like the
time I fell off a boat when I was two
(03:20):
and almost died. WHOA. One thing I always remembered was
the farm accident that happened in our community when I
was around three or four years old. There was a
family that lived probably five minutes from us. The dad
was giving his kids a ride in the bucket of
a bobcat when one of the little boys fell out
and was run over. No yeah, and he did not survive.
It was a story that we had all heard and feared,
(03:42):
and once I got older, the other siblings and I
rode the same bus. The older sister was always mean
to me, but I always thought she was just bitter
about her little brother's death. I'm sure it would be
horrible for any child to grow up in that type
of trauma. I said that poor dad, like the oh guilt. Okay,
so bringing up this memory, my parents looked at each
other like they were about to break the worst news possible.
(04:04):
My mom looked at me from the rear view mirror
and said, is that seriously all you remember? I said, yeah, why,
And my mom says to me, honey, he was your
best friend. You guys went to daycare together, and you
even talked about marrying each other. You did everything together,
you were inseparable. I was absolutely shocked. I never, I
never not remembered significant memories like that. I even remember
(04:26):
memories of that daycare from when I started there when
I was only two.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
I legitimately have poodle chills right now.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Poodle chills, yes for real, Yeah, because it's like that's
what little kids' brains did. I CA's like, nope, not
doing it. I'm amazed. I don't even remember knowing him.
It's like a missing puzzle piece was found, but I
can't press it in to make it work. I think
my subconscious has suppressed it so far down because a
kid that young can't comprehend a trauma like that. Yeah,
(04:53):
knowing what I know now, I can't help but think
my relationship with the older sister was so bad because
of my connection to her brother. Yeah, she may have
been upset because I didn't remember him, or that I
just reminded her of him, or maybe she was just
a mean older kid. Who knows. All I know is
that our subconscious is a fucked up black hole filled
with fantasies and trauma. I think this was probably that's true.
(05:16):
I think this was probably was my first true experience
with death and maybe why I'm so interested in tragedy
in the circumstances surrounding it. Anyways, I'll stop treating you
like my therapist and go talk to my real one.
I got her turned onto this podcast, by the way, Lol,
thank you for being you, ssdgm Ashley from Minnesota. And
(05:37):
then the ps is her inviting us to her wedding.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Yes, oh my god, that's so touching.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Yeah, that's I mean, it's not fascinating and like the reveal,
those parents must have just been like.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Oh my god, yeah, And to hear that and just
have no memory of it, especially having such good memory
to begin with, Yes, that'd.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Be so creepy.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
This this is called the time I solved my family's
not so cold cold case. O. Hi, ladies. Last week,
my boyfriend and I were visiting my parents. Over dinner,
my boyfriend made a remark about my murdering no tendencies
becoming our unofficial third wheel, to which my mother responded, Well,
if you want a case to solve. During the nineteen fifties,
(06:20):
your grandfather's brother, Houston, your great uncle, left to run
errands one evening, but was found stabbed to death in
a ditch the next morning. No one in the family
knows who did it or why. And then all caps.
Excuse me, mother, The same woman who calls every morning
to tell me exactly what she made for dinner the
night before, somehow left this detail out.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Hmmm.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Quote, Well, you're good at the computer. I'm sure you
could find something good at the good She said.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
You're good at the computer, honey.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
That I was up for the challenge, using the online
sleuthing tools instilled in me by Billy Jensen as well
as I, as well as ancestry dot com, What's Up,
newspaper archives, and a glass of wine. Acting as my Watson,
I surlocked this shit out of it and only to
find out what my mom and her siblings had been
told throughout the years was far from the truth. For
a reason, there were no errands he ran, there was
(07:11):
no ditch he was found in, and there was no
longer a mystery of who killed Uncle Houston. On the
evening of August thirteenth, nineteen fifty three, in Washing d c.
Uncle Houston, thirty nine, was managing a local restaurant when
he was stabbed to death with a butcher knife in
just one strike to the chest, at the hands of Dorothy,
the waitress, who.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Was twenty eight.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
At first, I assume this happened inside the restaurant. However,
it happened in the basement of the restaurant. Not just
a basement, but the basement apartment they lived in together.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Uh oh.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
The fact that they were living together was my first
red flag, as Houston had a wife and three children
in Virginia at the time of his death. This also
made sense as to why the story was possibly changed
by family throughout the years. According to Dorothy, Houston got
upset with her earlier in the day as he didn't
like the way a customer touched her on the shoulder. So, yes,
they were definitely banging. This caused tension to build between
(08:05):
them during the day, and when evening came, Houston's temper
grew out of control. He struck her with his fists
and threatened her with the same butcher knife she later
killed him with. After the stabbing, Dorothy was held on
a charge of homicide. From the research I did at
my great uncle, I did notice that he had quite
a trail of women, I'm sure for a reason. Personally,
I'm team Dorothy on this one. Sorry, sorry, Uncle Houston,
(08:28):
Please don't haunt me. The old restaurant is now replaced
with a bar, and I have every intention of getting
a free cocktail out of the Hey, my great uncle
was stabbed to death in your basement. Yes, stay sexy
and get those skeletons out of your family's closet for them.
Laura Wow, No, right.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
If he had a secret fan, if he had a
secret girlfriend live in lover Lady, then he was probably
the jealous type. Because he was a cheating type. Totally right. Yeah,
so why wasn't that self defense if he was beating.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Her up and the knife he threatened her with the
knife too, Yeah, so it's probably wise. I didn't say
if she got convicted or anything like that. I assuming
she probably would have hopefully gotten off for self defense.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
But yeah, and I hope so, yeah, this one starts
pandemic greetings. My little brother was born premature and spent
much of his young life in and out of hospitals.
Needless to say, I hated him, But that's understood. Is
a beautiful turn, a beautiful comedic turn right away.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
And I'm thinking of like a four year old. If
it was a sixteen year old, you'd be like, what
the fuck is wrong with you? But yeah, that's okay.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Anytime my mom said she was taking him to the doctor,
I would lie in the in front of the door
and screen because that meant they weren't coming back for
at least a couple of days. He always needed something special,
He always got more attention, you know, sibling shit. So
for first grade, my brother transferred to my elementary school.
Late in the year, his teacher got an injury on
his face, which required a handful of stitches to ease
(09:57):
the kid's worries. The teacher talked about how he got
the auchie and how stitches work and so on. He
then asked the kids if any of them had ever
needed stitches. A few raised their hands, including my brother.
When it was his turn, he raised his shirt and
showed everyone the long, raised, horizontal scar that runs below
his ribs from surgery meant to keep him from regurgitating
(10:20):
everything he put in his stomach. When his teacher asked
him how he got that scar, he looked him straight
in the face and said, oh, my mom tried to
kill me. Yes. I was immediately summoned from my fourth
grade classroom. My parents were called to the school, the
police and the DCFS came. Good.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
That's how it's supposed to go.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Yes, yeah, it all got sorted out. I don't think
anyone thought my mom actually tried to kill him, but
we were just enough into the nineties for them to
take it very seriously. Yeah, that was the advent of that.
Totally to my brother's credit, he may really have seen
all his surgeries as my mom trying to kill him.
But anyway, that's the story of the time my brother
accused my mom of attempted murder. A worthy addendum. Though
(11:05):
my mom didn't stab my brother, I did with a
fork on his third birthday, right in the forearm while
he was receiving happy birthday wishes on the phone. Oh
my god, I told you I hated that kid. Stay sexy,
don't stab your siblings and wear your damn masks. Love
you both more than is reasonable.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Taylor, Taylor, that is fucking hilarious. And it makes you
feel a little bit better about my sister because she
only punched me in the stomach. But I was like
ten and probably deserved it.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Look, we all deserved everything, and we all also were
true victims to our older sisters, who are the worst
people on the plane. There is nothing more upsetting. We're
we're no, we're the victims of the worst people. They
were the worst sisters they were. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now, yes, no,
we're You're right. I see what you're doing. You're saying
(11:54):
they were.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
In case I thought you said to me, they don't
because they hate our guts in there.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
They don't care. They're not fans of ours. They never
have been since day one.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
That's true. Oh God, we always love what you did
to your siblings, or what your siblings did to you
that now you look back and you're like, oh, you
were trying to kill me. We love those stories, so.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Send those in for Sure's up?
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Yes, okay. My second one is called check your addicts
before losing your virginity.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
It says everything this.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Has Oh, hello, longtime fan, cheers to college dropouts. We're
all just getting through. Let's cut to the chase. Woo,
So we all know virginity is a social construct designed
to shame women. Ay, fucking men, I love you already.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
This is starting very strong.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
But here's the story of how I lost mine. My
high school boyfriend lived in a very ritzy suburb of
Chicago and a house big enough to sneak girls. And
then it says hey, in and out without even having
to whisper. But for our first time, we wanted to
make sure parents would be home just in case. We
had a half day of school, went to his place,
had a not at all mine had not at all
(13:06):
mind blowing sex yep, and then went out to meet
up with friends.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So totally normal, right wrong.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
What he hadn't told me was that that morning, as
he was getting ready, he noticed a guy in a
van parked across the street. This was the kind of
suburb in which no one ever parked on the street,
not even landscapers or contractors, so this was already odd.
But what made it weirder was this man was staring
at my boyfriend's house being a teen about to have sex.
My boyfriend didn't think about this whatsoever, even as the
(13:39):
guy watched him get into his car and drive off
to school. Turns out this man had been in the
middle of robbing his house when we came home.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Oh shit.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Being the giddy fools we were, we just went straight
up to my boyfriend's room and didn't notice anything else
in the house. The robber was upstairs grabbing his mom's
jewelry at the time, so when he heard us come in,
he scurried up to the attic and hid out right
above our room until we left, hearing everything.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Ew ew ew ew. They thought were.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Alone, and they were like making sure they were alone
for it to be special. And there was a fucking
burglar in their house at the time who.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Was jerking off to them doing after the first time
fucking lutely into old boxes of grandma's quills, and then
he was gusting and it was like, this isn't mind blowing,
but I can still jerk off. He's like, oh, I
can't believe I'm still a virgin. It hurts men too.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Don't expect anything special.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Okay, uh, let's see, the first time is the worst time.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Just find someone who's not a piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
For real, but come then do like two, two to
seventeen more times right out.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Yeah, the cops said that the thief had hit the
neighbor's house before my boyfriend, so maybe having to wait
us out save the rest of the block from being
robbed too. Stay sexy and only fucked during robberies, Kate.
And then she says, also, just some validation. And in
your last episode you talked about journaling and writing poetry,
and as a trained poet, that is exactly how most
(15:06):
of us feel ninety five percent of the time. Every
metaphor is stupid and humiliating and we're all idiots.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Alas, Kay, Wow, good one, Kate, No wonder, Kate nailed
this hometown. She is a poet, she's a trained poets right,
I'm more of a feral poet totally. I tried to
say that right as you're sipping that one.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
I almost spit this all over my computer.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Got it? That is so.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
It's I want to hear his side of whoever you are, Dan,
Dan the robber, We need you to write in immediately.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Look I did this, It was almost It started as
a lark. Then on real life. Look, drugs are expensive
and we need them sometimes. But Jesus, then this one time,
it's all this like.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Sweet couple who like wanted to lose their virginity together,
and like it made me change my ways. I didn't jerk, well,
I jerked out during it, but then I also went
home to my girlfriend and was like, let's let's do this.
I want to marry you.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Yeah, I was like I jerked off. I felt a
profound sense of self love right, not just literal, but
also deeply inside. I realized I deserve love too, Yes,
not just crime wasn't the way, and heroin wasn't the way.
He's like, he goes and hides in the attic, and
then three minutes later he's like, all right, well we're
(16:30):
all done here.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Because it wasn't like I was in there for twenty minutes.
It was literally three minutes.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Did not even break a sweat in that attic.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Yeah me, I almost called you me me, Karen, you
have you me Me.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I am the MEMI of this podcast. Okay, I'm not
going to redo this subject line of this last one
because it's story is going to tell it so high
lady's staff and animals singing back up. Oh perfect, right
it literally I'm a huge fan of the podcast, and
when I heard your call for USPS stories, I begged
my husband to tell his tale. Here it is. I've
(17:07):
kept this postal story silent for over twenty five years.
Even now, it's hard to admit I was the culprit.
The events I'm about to describe are embarrassing and might
have gotten me into a lot of trouble at the time.
Now that I'm retired and beyond the reach of postal justice,
it's time to come clean. Here's my confession. Oh my god,
I'm so excited. So essentially we started with one voice,
(17:30):
but now we're in I believe to the husband's voice. Okay,
I think, okay, that's what it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
In the nineties, I worked as a letter carrier at
the main post office in Nevado, California. By the Bye
that literally is the town the south of Petaloma. Oh,
it's the next town down. And half the kids that
went to my high school lived in Nevado and commuted
up the freeway to our school. So Nevado is like,
what's up?
Speaker 2 (17:56):
What's up?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Sam Ran Boulevard, Like Nevado. Nevado have a Denny's. There's
not a ton to say about it, and a lot
of my family lives there to this day.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Okay, Nevado, there's not a ton to say about it.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Nevado. It's fine to pass on the freeway. Nevado. Now
they have a drive through Starbucks, I believe. Okay. Every
carrier spends the first part of each day working in
the office, sorting mail and preparing their route for street delivery.
At the time, there were more than sixty mail routes
in Nevado. Every carrier and clerk worked together in one
(18:30):
large room about the size of a supermarket. We all
worked in close proximity, with almost nothing separating our workspaces.
One morning, I was sorting letters and feeling a little gassy,
not wanting to leave my workstation, I silently released a
small fart. I'm ready, I'm ready for this. Usually I
could get away with this Perhaps it's my diet. Oh sorry,
(18:54):
I'm a child. Perhaps that's my diet. But very few
of my farts have been any have any noticeable smellating yourself?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Right?
Speaker 1 (19:03):
This one was different. I don't remember what I had
been eating, but when this fart hit the air, it
was about the worst thing I'd ever smelled in my life.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
When you know when your own farts gross, you smells
bad to you? Yeah, you you ate like a half
a dead raccoon the night before something along those lines, right.
The odor soon spread to my surrounding coworkers. There was
an immediate reaction. People gagged their eyes water.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
As the odor spread more and more, the people stopped
working and fled. I might have been found out immediately,
but it didn't smell like anything that could have come
from a human. No one even suspected it was a fart.
People began speculating it. It must be some sort of
chemical leak. Oh was it dangerous? Management was called and
(19:55):
the building was evacuation. Processing and Evano came to a halt.
This was now costing the postal service thousands of dollars.
Every carrier would be working overtime. Everyone in town would
get their mail late. I never said a word.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
No.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
If I could just keep a straight face and my
mouth shut, this was all going to pass without anyone
ever knowing the truth. Then we heard the sirens. No no,
The fire department arrived along with the hazmat team. Workers
in full hasmats entered to inspire the building.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Holy shit.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Although they were unable to determine the source of the smell,
the inspection revealed several significant health and safety code violations.
In the end, more than one hundred thousand dollars was
spread spent bringing the building into compliance. Well, that's good. Strangely,
I felt a bit of pride. We were all safer
as a result, and though we'll never know for sure,
(20:56):
in the end, that fart may have saved lives. And
then it just says Erica and Anderson Springs.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
That is the most epic part that has ever fucking happened.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
And the guts to just stay quiet and be like
is that a camp like just playing along with whatever
the person.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Who says humiliation in your mind?
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Oh, more like what's wrong with you? Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
And it's what's in there is getting worse. Sirens that
reminds me. It's not the same. But there was like
an office building like ten years ago where like someone,
no one would fucking clean the fridge out, and someone
finally opened it and there was toxic fumes and people
like passed out and they had to get like hasmap
people to clean out the fridge. You know how no
(21:41):
one it was just old old cheeses and fucking disgusting
and it like people got sick and had to go
to the hospital.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Yogurt with a post it that said this is Georgia's.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Do not touch and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
It was mine, but it was four years ago. Ew
oh my god, us so good. The visual of people
coming in and has matt suits, like it's fucking the
end of et. But it's because you farted at your
workstation is like it might be the nightmare.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
I think I'm ever going to fart and not think
of that again. And it happens a lot, so I'm
gonna be thinking about that a lot in my life.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
You're like sirens, Sarence, No sirens, it's not that fart.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Oh my god, I'm telling Vince about this.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
That's hilarious.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Okay, I have one more. Okay, this says, it just
starts high friends, I'll take that liberty. Maybe you're over
action park stories. I hope not, because my mom has
a story about how it ruined her chances of snagging
acute medical student.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
It was the eighties and she told her father a
classic laughing at my own jokes dad, that she was
going on a date to the place he's so often
referred to as accident park Again, guys a what is
it called action park? On HBO epic? The guy was
a future doctor. She was a young Jewish woman from
Long Island. This week it was huge. Oh, the date
(23:02):
was going well when she decided to go on a
water slide into a pool on a date, a bathing
suit date.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Can you imagine what with the doctor. She must have
been young. They must have been like young and fucking.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
She remembers some uninterested teenage teenager waving people down the slide. Well,
that dumb boy was sending far too many people down
the slide after her too quickly, and they all log
jammed midway down with the mom. Towards the bottom of
the Oh, water slide, a huge wave came and pushed
the crowd down the slide with my tiny mother. At
(23:37):
the helm, she was slammed to the bottom of the
pool with everyone on top of her. She hid her
head and with the massive limbs around her, she didn't
even know which way was up to get air. But luckily,
instead of panicking, she remembered what a lifeguard once told
her at her local beach. If you can't tell which
way is up, just release your muscles and your body
will naturally float towards the surface.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Yeah, that's amazing that she was able to do that.
She's also same with release some bubbles and the bubbles
go the right directions.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
From screaming. Uh, she thought the worst was over when
she broke through the surface and could breathe again. Spoiler alert, Nope.
My mom tried to play it cool when she met
up with her date. Definitely not like her life flashed
before her eyes and pretended she was revving to go
on another ride, but her day was like, let's just
stroll around the park. Her face was throbbing, but again
(24:27):
she kept her focus on flirting. Hey, why don't we
sit down, I'm getting kind of tired, he told her,
as she noticed her vision was getting blurry.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
They sat there for a while, chatting when she heard
a familiar noise. Wait, is that an ambulance? She asked him.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Yes, he said, very calmly, Is it for me? Yes?
For me. She's trying to be kind of like cute
and sexy. It's for me, he says, yes, Yes.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Before she knew it, her entire left side of her
face was a balloon and her eye was swollen completely shut.
That pushed to the pool floor fractured her face. This
is action park.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
This is fucking one in the many stories. This is
one of these stories.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Yeah, her almost doctor date had seen the slide over
population and noticed the early signs of swelling in her
face and put together that it could be a serious
head injury.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Rather than freak her out, he somehow subtenly got someone
to call an ambulance and kept her comments how they
were there. Oh, it should have been a beautiful start
to a love story. But when he took my mom home,
my art Garfunkel looking grandfather brought them both into the
house and made my mom stand for a full photo
shoot of her nearly unrecognizable face. What I've seen these
(25:46):
photos and the features you can see looked pissed, which
I can't believe you didn't fucking send them in with
the story.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
But I'm sorry. Though. She goes on a first date
with this guy, comes home and the dad's like, we
need to take pictures.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
I think he was laughing at her. He's a fucking
dad from the eighties. Okay, god, I know, and he's
laughing his ass off like prompting. That's the best, right,
My shy mom was too embarrassed by the spectacle and
the photography to see him again, so it probably also
means she didn't like him that much.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Oh yeah, but either way, now.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
My mom can always give me the loving reminder when
I have bad dates that at least I didn't break
my face. I don't know how to end this in
a memorable way, so I'll just steal yours. Stay sexy,
and don't make your daughter sit for a photo shoot
when her face is literally broken Madeline, for.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Real, Why wasn't she in the hospital for five days? Right? Right?
Jesus Christ? Also like picturing a person that would care
enough to distract you, yeah and basically keep you calm.
How could she not?
Speaker 2 (26:52):
That's marriage material?
Speaker 1 (26:53):
I think, sure do you want in this world?
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Probably too embarrassed?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Okay, but yeah, here you one man stell off and
he was still down.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
So he walked you into your house with your fucking
weird dad.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
With your he didn't drop you off and be like,
good luck with your face. I gotta go back to
the hospital.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Oh I want him to write in and tell his
side of the story, his side of this story, crush
that she never fucking responded.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Has he never been married since? And this is the
chance this was true love. He watched her get He
just walked me out, like plowed down that fucking water slide,
and he was like, she is the one. It's I
can tell.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Maybe he felt too guilty about it to ask her
out again because he felt responsible for bringing her there
on a date.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
They both went into shame spirals and if they could
only have just reached out, they could.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Have my favorite murder bringing it together. We're going to
bring this love together.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
We're going to bring action Park love stories eight no
on and Mary Lemon no no never at your faces
broke me have a concussion. You probably brain swelling, flewid
on the brains right, another hit, another hit. Wow, this
(28:09):
was a great series of wonderful communications. Everybody.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Yeah, thank you guys for writing those in please keep
fucking doing it. We love it.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Yes, all day, all night. We have that stay off
the water slide at Action Park in nineteen eighty two,
Stay sexy and don't get murdered.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
Go bye, Elvis. Do you want to cook? E
Hello, and welcome to my favorite Murder the minisode.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Here you go.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
We made you believe it.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Can you that we read you your stuff?
Speaker 1 (00:23):
We read it right into your ear hole?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
And that's how this podcasting thing works.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
And that's what people come back for a week after week,
an ear hole massage from our vocal cords to your ew.
What are they called the little things inside your ear?
They're like the uh there's like a horn and a
harp or something. There's little cones, rods and cones are
in your eyes.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Size ear doctors are screaming it right now, please e
nts rep rep hard with this one.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Am I thinking of the bread basket on the Operation
Game and I'm totally wrong about this. I think there's
something in our ear that's shaped like a thing.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
It's definitely like a like a wishbone on this or.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You Stephen is his head on the desk, Stephen, when
you got your your your degree, sickle and hammer? Oh
that's oh that's in Russia. You have that?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Yeah, yeah, Stephen. You don't moonlight as an ant.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Stephen, you told us, you said the last time you
were looking in my ear with that little weird thing
with the light in it.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You said, Oh, Karen, I've been looking for this video
to send you because our new thing, our new pimple
popping video thing is dogs getting the hair taken out
of their ears. It's crazy. There's like an onreddit. There's
like a subreddit called oddly satisfying that's like just fun
to watch, you know. And there was this fucking poodle.
(01:51):
I can't find it, and they just like pulled this.
Groomers pulled this and the dog you could tell the
dog went ooh like the dog yes, chills And I
can't find it. So you should see my insane Google
search of poodle satisfied yours, Like, the shit that's coming
up is not right, but what poodle chills? We'll get there.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Poodle chills right now?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Poodle chills. Okay, you want to little chills all day?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Sure. The subject line of this is suppressed Memories found
nineteen years later. Oooh right, hey, beauties. Oh that's a
great one, thank you. I grew up in central Minnesota,
essentially farm country, and now I live in northern Minnesota
lake Country. Last week and I went home to see
my parents and we decided to go out to a movie.
(02:40):
On the drive, we were discussing how I've always had crazy,
good long term memory, just fun stuff to pass the time.
And what do you like about me? Well, bragg brag.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
You can do that around your parents. They'll just like
they'll indulge yourself fucking your high self worth, that's right.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
What's what's something about me that you find very impressive?
Why do you remember me being your child? Yeah? Why
do you Why do you get that look in your
eye when you look over at me, Oh, it's your
memory almost entirely. We talked about all different people and
places from my childhood, and my parents were shocked I
knew any of the things I brought up, like the
time I fell off a boat when I was two
(03:20):
and almost died. WHOA. One thing I always remembered was
the farm accident that happened in our community when I
was around three or four years old. There was a
family that lived probably five minutes from us. The dad
was giving his kids a ride in the bucket of
a bobcat when one of the little boys fell out
and was run over. No yeah, and he did not survive.
It was a story that we had all heard and feared,
(03:42):
and once I got older, the other siblings and I
rode the same bus. The older sister was always mean
to me, but I always thought she was just bitter
about her little brother's death. I'm sure it would be
horrible for any child to grow up in that type
of trauma. I said that poor dad, like the oh guilt. Okay,
so bringing up this memory, my parents looked at each
other like they were about to break the worst news possible.
(04:04):
My mom looked at me from the rear view mirror
and said, is that seriously all you remember? I said, yeah, why,
And my mom says to me, honey, he was your
best friend. You guys went to daycare together, and you
even talked about marrying each other. You did everything together,
you were inseparable. I was absolutely shocked. I never, I
never not remembered significant memories like that. I even remember
(04:26):
memories of that daycare from when I started there when
I was only two.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
I legitimately have poodle chills right now.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Poodle chills, yes for real, Yeah, because it's like that's
what little kids' brains did. I CA's like, nope, not
doing it. I'm amazed. I don't even remember knowing him.
It's like a missing puzzle piece was found, but I
can't press it in to make it work. I think
my subconscious has suppressed it so far down because a
kid that young can't comprehend a trauma like that. Yeah,
(04:53):
knowing what I know now, I can't help but think
my relationship with the older sister was so bad because
of my connection to her brother. Yeah, she may have
been upset because I didn't remember him, or that I
just reminded her of him, or maybe she was just
a mean older kid. Who knows. All I know is
that our subconscious is a fucked up black hole filled
with fantasies and trauma. I think this was probably that's true.
(05:16):
I think this was probably was my first true experience
with death and maybe why I'm so interested in tragedy
in the circumstances surrounding it. Anyways, I'll stop treating you
like my therapist and go talk to my real one.
I got her turned onto this podcast, by the way, Lol,
thank you for being you, ssdgm Ashley from Minnesota. And
(05:37):
then the ps is her inviting us to her wedding.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Yes, oh my god, that's so touching.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Yeah, that's I mean, it's not fascinating and like the reveal,
those parents must have just been like.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Oh my god, yeah, And to hear that and just
have no memory of it, especially having such good memory
to begin with, Yes, that'd.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Be so creepy.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
This this is called the time I solved my family's
not so cold cold case. O. Hi, ladies. Last week,
my boyfriend and I were visiting my parents. Over dinner,
my boyfriend made a remark about my murdering no tendencies
becoming our unofficial third wheel, to which my mother responded, Well,
if you want a case to solve. During the nineteen fifties,
(06:20):
your grandfather's brother, Houston, your great uncle, left to run
errands one evening, but was found stabbed to death in
a ditch the next morning. No one in the family
knows who did it or why. And then all caps.
Excuse me, mother, The same woman who calls every morning
to tell me exactly what she made for dinner the
night before, somehow left this detail out.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Hmmm.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Quote, Well, you're good at the computer. I'm sure you
could find something good at the good She said.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
You're good at the computer, honey.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
That I was up for the challenge, using the online
sleuthing tools instilled in me by Billy Jensen as well
as I, as well as ancestry dot com, What's Up,
newspaper archives, and a glass of wine. Acting as my Watson,
I surlocked this shit out of it and only to
find out what my mom and her siblings had been
told throughout the years was far from the truth. For
a reason, there were no errands he ran, there was
(07:11):
no ditch he was found in, and there was no
longer a mystery of who killed Uncle Houston. On the
evening of August thirteenth, nineteen fifty three, in Washing d c.
Uncle Houston, thirty nine, was managing a local restaurant when
he was stabbed to death with a butcher knife in
just one strike to the chest, at the hands of Dorothy,
the waitress, who.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Was twenty eight.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
At first, I assume this happened inside the restaurant. However,
it happened in the basement of the restaurant. Not just
a basement, but the basement apartment they lived in together.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Uh oh.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
The fact that they were living together was my first
red flag, as Houston had a wife and three children
in Virginia at the time of his death. This also
made sense as to why the story was possibly changed
by family throughout the years. According to Dorothy, Houston got
upset with her earlier in the day as he didn't
like the way a customer touched her on the shoulder. So, yes,
they were definitely banging. This caused tension to build between
(08:05):
them during the day, and when evening came, Houston's temper
grew out of control. He struck her with his fists
and threatened her with the same butcher knife she later
killed him with. After the stabbing, Dorothy was held on
a charge of homicide. From the research I did at
my great uncle, I did notice that he had quite
a trail of women, I'm sure for a reason. Personally,
I'm team Dorothy on this one. Sorry, sorry, Uncle Houston,
(08:28):
Please don't haunt me. The old restaurant is now replaced
with a bar, and I have every intention of getting
a free cocktail out of the Hey, my great uncle
was stabbed to death in your basement. Yes, stay sexy
and get those skeletons out of your family's closet for them.
Laura Wow, No, right.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
If he had a secret fan, if he had a
secret girlfriend live in lover Lady, then he was probably
the jealous type. Because he was a cheating type. Totally right. Yeah,
so why wasn't that self defense if he was beating.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Her up and the knife he threatened her with the
knife too, Yeah, so it's probably wise. I didn't say
if she got convicted or anything like that. I assuming
she probably would have hopefully gotten off for self defense.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
But yeah, and I hope so, yeah, this one starts
pandemic greetings. My little brother was born premature and spent
much of his young life in and out of hospitals.
Needless to say, I hated him, But that's understood. Is
a beautiful turn, a beautiful comedic turn right away.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
And I'm thinking of like a four year old. If
it was a sixteen year old, you'd be like, what
the fuck is wrong with you? But yeah, that's okay.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Anytime my mom said she was taking him to the doctor,
I would lie in the in front of the door
and screen because that meant they weren't coming back for
at least a couple of days. He always needed something special,
He always got more attention, you know, sibling shit. So
for first grade, my brother transferred to my elementary school.
Late in the year, his teacher got an injury on
his face, which required a handful of stitches to ease
(09:57):
the kid's worries. The teacher talked about how he got
the auchie and how stitches work and so on. He
then asked the kids if any of them had ever
needed stitches. A few raised their hands, including my brother.
When it was his turn, he raised his shirt and
showed everyone the long, raised, horizontal scar that runs below
his ribs from surgery meant to keep him from regurgitating
(10:20):
everything he put in his stomach. When his teacher asked
him how he got that scar, he looked him straight
in the face and said, oh, my mom tried to
kill me. Yes. I was immediately summoned from my fourth
grade classroom. My parents were called to the school, the
police and the DCFS came. Good.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
That's how it's supposed to go.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Yes, yeah, it all got sorted out. I don't think
anyone thought my mom actually tried to kill him, but
we were just enough into the nineties for them to
take it very seriously. Yeah, that was the advent of that.
Totally to my brother's credit, he may really have seen
all his surgeries as my mom trying to kill him.
But anyway, that's the story of the time my brother
accused my mom of attempted murder. A worthy addendum. Though
(11:05):
my mom didn't stab my brother, I did with a
fork on his third birthday, right in the forearm while
he was receiving happy birthday wishes on the phone. Oh
my god, I told you I hated that kid. Stay sexy,
don't stab your siblings and wear your damn masks. Love
you both more than is reasonable.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Taylor, Taylor, that is fucking hilarious. And it makes you
feel a little bit better about my sister because she
only punched me in the stomach. But I was like
ten and probably deserved it.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Look, we all deserved everything, and we all also were
true victims to our older sisters, who are the worst
people on the plane. There is nothing more upsetting. We're
we're no, we're the victims of the worst people. They
were the worst sisters they were. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now, yes, no,
we're You're right. I see what you're doing. You're saying
(11:54):
they were.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
In case I thought you said to me, they don't
because they hate our guts in there.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
They don't care. They're not fans of ours. They never
have been since day one.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
That's true. Oh God, we always love what you did
to your siblings, or what your siblings did to you
that now you look back and you're like, oh, you
were trying to kill me. We love those stories, so.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Send those in for Sure's up?
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Yes, okay. My second one is called check your addicts
before losing your virginity.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
It says everything this.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Has Oh, hello, longtime fan, cheers to college dropouts. We're
all just getting through. Let's cut to the chase. Woo,
So we all know virginity is a social construct designed
to shame women. Ay, fucking men, I love you already.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
This is starting very strong.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
But here's the story of how I lost mine. My
high school boyfriend lived in a very ritzy suburb of
Chicago and a house big enough to sneak girls. And
then it says hey, in and out without even having
to whisper. But for our first time, we wanted to
make sure parents would be home just in case. We
had a half day of school, went to his place,
had a not at all mine had not at all
(13:06):
mind blowing sex yep, and then went out to meet
up with friends.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So totally normal, right wrong.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
What he hadn't told me was that that morning, as
he was getting ready, he noticed a guy in a
van parked across the street. This was the kind of
suburb in which no one ever parked on the street,
not even landscapers or contractors, so this was already odd.
But what made it weirder was this man was staring
at my boyfriend's house being a teen about to have sex.
My boyfriend didn't think about this whatsoever, even as the
(13:39):
guy watched him get into his car and drive off
to school. Turns out this man had been in the
middle of robbing his house when we came home.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Oh shit.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Being the giddy fools we were, we just went straight
up to my boyfriend's room and didn't notice anything else
in the house. The robber was upstairs grabbing his mom's
jewelry at the time, so when he heard us come in,
he scurried up to the attic and hid out right
above our room until we left, hearing everything.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Ew ew ew ew. They thought were.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Alone, and they were like making sure they were alone
for it to be special. And there was a fucking
burglar in their house at the time who.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Was jerking off to them doing after the first time
fucking lutely into old boxes of grandma's quills, and then
he was gusting and it was like, this isn't mind blowing,
but I can still jerk off. He's like, oh, I
can't believe I'm still a virgin. It hurts men too.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Don't expect anything special.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Okay, uh, let's see, the first time is the worst time.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Just find someone who's not a piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
For real, but come then do like two, two to
seventeen more times right out.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Yeah, the cops said that the thief had hit the
neighbor's house before my boyfriend, so maybe having to wait
us out save the rest of the block from being
robbed too. Stay sexy and only fucked during robberies, Kate.
And then she says, also, just some validation. And in
your last episode you talked about journaling and writing poetry,
and as a trained poet, that is exactly how most
(15:06):
of us feel ninety five percent of the time. Every
metaphor is stupid and humiliating and we're all idiots.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Alas, Kay, Wow, good one, Kate, No wonder, Kate nailed
this hometown. She is a poet, she's a trained poets right,
I'm more of a feral poet totally. I tried to
say that right as you're sipping that one.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
I almost spit this all over my computer.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Got it? That is so.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
It's I want to hear his side of whoever you are, Dan,
Dan the robber, We need you to write in immediately.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Look I did this, It was almost It started as
a lark. Then on real life. Look, drugs are expensive
and we need them sometimes. But Jesus, then this one time,
it's all this like.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Sweet couple who like wanted to lose their virginity together,
and like it made me change my ways. I didn't jerk, well,
I jerked out during it, but then I also went
home to my girlfriend and was like, let's let's do this.
I want to marry you.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Yeah, I was like I jerked off. I felt a
profound sense of self love right, not just literal, but
also deeply inside. I realized I deserve love too, Yes,
not just crime wasn't the way, and heroin wasn't the way.
He's like, he goes and hides in the attic, and
then three minutes later he's like, all right, well we're
(16:30):
all done here.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Because it wasn't like I was in there for twenty minutes.
It was literally three minutes.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Did not even break a sweat in that attic.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Yeah me, I almost called you me me, Karen, you
have you me Me.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I am the MEMI of this podcast. Okay, I'm not
going to redo this subject line of this last one
because it's story is going to tell it so high
lady's staff and animals singing back up. Oh perfect, right
it literally I'm a huge fan of the podcast, and
when I heard your call for USPS stories, I begged
my husband to tell his tale. Here it is. I've
(17:07):
kept this postal story silent for over twenty five years.
Even now, it's hard to admit I was the culprit.
The events I'm about to describe are embarrassing and might
have gotten me into a lot of trouble at the time.
Now that I'm retired and beyond the reach of postal justice,
it's time to come clean. Here's my confession. Oh my god,
I'm so excited. So essentially we started with one voice,
(17:30):
but now we're in I believe to the husband's voice. Okay,
I think, okay, that's what it sounds like.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
In the nineties, I worked as a letter carrier at
the main post office in Nevado, California. By the Bye
that literally is the town the south of Petaloma. Oh,
it's the next town down. And half the kids that
went to my high school lived in Nevado and commuted
up the freeway to our school. So Nevado is like,
what's up?
Speaker 2 (17:56):
What's up?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Sam Ran Boulevard, Like Nevado. Nevado have a Denny's. There's
not a ton to say about it, and a lot
of my family lives there to this day.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
Okay, Nevado, there's not a ton to say about it.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Nevado. It's fine to pass on the freeway. Nevado. Now
they have a drive through Starbucks, I believe. Okay. Every
carrier spends the first part of each day working in
the office, sorting mail and preparing their route for street delivery.
At the time, there were more than sixty mail routes
in Nevado. Every carrier and clerk worked together in one
(18:30):
large room about the size of a supermarket. We all
worked in close proximity, with almost nothing separating our workspaces.
One morning, I was sorting letters and feeling a little gassy,
not wanting to leave my workstation, I silently released a
small fart. I'm ready, I'm ready for this. Usually I
could get away with this Perhaps it's my diet. Oh sorry,
(18:54):
I'm a child. Perhaps that's my diet. But very few
of my farts have been any have any noticeable smellating yourself?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Right?
Speaker 1 (19:03):
This one was different. I don't remember what I had
been eating, but when this fart hit the air, it
was about the worst thing I'd ever smelled in my life.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
When you know when your own farts gross, you smells
bad to you? Yeah, you you ate like a half
a dead raccoon the night before something along those lines, right.
The odor soon spread to my surrounding coworkers. There was
an immediate reaction. People gagged their eyes water.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
As the odor spread more and more, the people stopped
working and fled. I might have been found out immediately,
but it didn't smell like anything that could have come
from a human. No one even suspected it was a fart.
People began speculating it. It must be some sort of
chemical leak. Oh was it dangerous? Management was called and
(19:55):
the building was evacuation. Processing and Evano came to a halt.
This was now costing the postal service thousands of dollars.
Every carrier would be working overtime. Everyone in town would
get their mail late. I never said a word.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
No.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
If I could just keep a straight face and my
mouth shut, this was all going to pass without anyone
ever knowing the truth. Then we heard the sirens. No no,
The fire department arrived along with the hazmat team. Workers
in full hasmats entered to inspire the building.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Holy shit.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Although they were unable to determine the source of the smell,
the inspection revealed several significant health and safety code violations.
In the end, more than one hundred thousand dollars was
spread spent bringing the building into compliance. Well, that's good. Strangely,
I felt a bit of pride. We were all safer
as a result, and though we'll never know for sure,
(20:56):
in the end, that fart may have saved lives. And
then it just says Erica and Anderson Springs.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
That is the most epic part that has ever fucking happened.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
And the guts to just stay quiet and be like
is that a camp like just playing along with whatever
the person.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Who says humiliation in your mind?
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Oh, more like what's wrong with you? Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
And it's what's in there is getting worse. Sirens that
reminds me. It's not the same. But there was like
an office building like ten years ago where like someone,
no one would fucking clean the fridge out, and someone
finally opened it and there was toxic fumes and people
like passed out and they had to get like hasmap
people to clean out the fridge. You know how no
(21:41):
one it was just old old cheeses and fucking disgusting
and it like people got sick and had to go
to the hospital.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Yogurt with a post it that said this is Georgia's.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Do not touch and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
It was mine, but it was four years ago. Ew
oh my god, us so good. The visual of people
coming in and has matt suits, like it's fucking the
end of et. But it's because you farted at your
workstation is like it might be the nightmare.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
I think I'm ever going to fart and not think
of that again. And it happens a lot, so I'm
gonna be thinking about that a lot in my life.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
You're like sirens, Sarence, No sirens, it's not that fart.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Oh my god, I'm telling Vince about this.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
That's hilarious.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Okay, I have one more. Okay, this says, it just
starts high friends, I'll take that liberty. Maybe you're over
action park stories. I hope not, because my mom has
a story about how it ruined her chances of snagging
acute medical student.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
It was the eighties and she told her father a
classic laughing at my own jokes dad, that she was
going on a date to the place he's so often
referred to as accident park Again, guys a what is
it called action park? On HBO epic? The guy was
a future doctor. She was a young Jewish woman from
Long Island. This week it was huge. Oh, the date
(23:02):
was going well when she decided to go on a
water slide into a pool on a date, a bathing
suit date.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Can you imagine what with the doctor. She must have
been young. They must have been like young and fucking.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
She remembers some uninterested teenage teenager waving people down the slide. Well,
that dumb boy was sending far too many people down
the slide after her too quickly, and they all log
jammed midway down with the mom. Towards the bottom of
the Oh, water slide, a huge wave came and pushed
the crowd down the slide with my tiny mother. At
(23:37):
the helm, she was slammed to the bottom of the
pool with everyone on top of her. She hid her
head and with the massive limbs around her, she didn't
even know which way was up to get air. But luckily,
instead of panicking, she remembered what a lifeguard once told
her at her local beach. If you can't tell which
way is up, just release your muscles and your body
will naturally float towards the surface.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Yeah, that's amazing that she was able to do that.
She's also same with release some bubbles and the bubbles
go the right directions.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
From screaming. Uh, she thought the worst was over when
she broke through the surface and could breathe again. Spoiler alert, Nope.
My mom tried to play it cool when she met
up with her date. Definitely not like her life flashed
before her eyes and pretended she was revving to go
on another ride, but her day was like, let's just
stroll around the park. Her face was throbbing, but again
(24:27):
she kept her focus on flirting. Hey, why don't we
sit down, I'm getting kind of tired, he told her,
as she noticed her vision was getting blurry.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
They sat there for a while, chatting when she heard
a familiar noise. Wait, is that an ambulance? She asked him.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Yes, he said, very calmly, Is it for me? Yes?
For me. She's trying to be kind of like cute
and sexy. It's for me, he says, yes, Yes.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Before she knew it, her entire left side of her
face was a balloon and her eye was swollen completely shut.
That pushed to the pool floor fractured her face. This
is action park.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
This is fucking one in the many stories. This is
one of these stories.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Yeah, her almost doctor date had seen the slide over
population and noticed the early signs of swelling in her
face and put together that it could be a serious
head injury.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Rather than freak her out, he somehow subtenly got someone
to call an ambulance and kept her comments how they
were there. Oh, it should have been a beautiful start
to a love story. But when he took my mom home,
my art Garfunkel looking grandfather brought them both into the
house and made my mom stand for a full photo
shoot of her nearly unrecognizable face. What I've seen these
(25:46):
photos and the features you can see looked pissed, which
I can't believe you didn't fucking send them in with
the story.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
But I'm sorry. Though. She goes on a first date
with this guy, comes home and the dad's like, we
need to take pictures.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
I think he was laughing at her. He's a fucking
dad from the eighties. Okay, god, I know, and he's
laughing his ass off like prompting. That's the best, right,
My shy mom was too embarrassed by the spectacle and
the photography to see him again, so it probably also
means she didn't like him that much.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Oh yeah, but either way, now.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
My mom can always give me the loving reminder when
I have bad dates that at least I didn't break
my face. I don't know how to end this in
a memorable way, so I'll just steal yours. Stay sexy,
and don't make your daughter sit for a photo shoot
when her face is literally broken Madeline, for.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Real, Why wasn't she in the hospital for five days? Right? Right?
Jesus Christ? Also like picturing a person that would care
enough to distract you, yeah and basically keep you calm.
How could she not?
Speaker 2 (26:52):
That's marriage material?
Speaker 1 (26:53):
I think, sure do you want in this world?
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Probably too embarrassed?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Okay, but yeah, here you one man stell off and
he was still down.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
So he walked you into your house with your fucking
weird dad.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
With your he didn't drop you off and be like,
good luck with your face. I gotta go back to
the hospital.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Oh I want him to write in and tell his
side of the story, his side of this story, crush
that she never fucking responded.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Has he never been married since? And this is the
chance this was true love. He watched her get He
just walked me out, like plowed down that fucking water slide,
and he was like, she is the one. It's I
can tell.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Maybe he felt too guilty about it to ask her
out again because he felt responsible for bringing her there
on a date.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
They both went into shame spirals and if they could
only have just reached out, they could.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Have my favorite murder bringing it together. We're going to
bring this love together.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
We're going to bring action Park love stories eight no
on and Mary Lemon no no never at your faces
broke me have a concussion. You probably brain swelling, flewid
on the brains right, another hit, another hit. Wow, this
(28:09):
was a great series of wonderful communications. Everybody.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Yeah, thank you guys for writing those in please keep
fucking doing it. We love it.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Yes, all day, all night. We have that stay off
the water slide at Action Park in nineteen eighty two,
Stay sexy and don't get murdered.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
Go bye, Elvis. Do you want to cook? E
Hosts And Creators
Georgia Hardstark
Karen Kilgariff
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