May 10, 2021 • 36 mins
This week’s hometowns include a criminal-chasing mom and a postal worker hero.
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Speaker 1 (00:14):
Hello, and welcome to my favorite murder. Oh this is
the minisodeh hi, oh hi, Hi want me to go
first this week? This is where we reach you your emails.
What's happening? Yes, okay, you want to get right to it.
No you can fuck in chat chit chat in a minute.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
No, no, go ahead. I just meant explain what the
show was.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
But at this point we got to figure most people
did the odds that someone scrolling through and picking a
minisode randomly or nil.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Probably that's right.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
But if you don't know, if you don't know what
this is, yeah, mind your own business.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
That's not right. I love it, Karen. It's true, it's true.
It's all true.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Okay, this one's called I spilled PA on important paperwork
of at least twenty high school classmates.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
I feel like I need to start by saying I
had a dream the other night that Georgia invited me
to her house to tell her what all her cool
vintage stuff was worth, because that's what I do for
a living, and you all thought it was so cool.
You did a live show from the house while I
was doing it, which is my dream.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Dude, come over and fucking.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Yes, that's George's dream is for everyone to come into
her house and for all of her life to take
place within the four walls of her.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Oh, my god, you just got that so right on.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
No, my dream is for like the antiques road show
people to come over and be like, this is this
and that is that?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Could you imagine if they were like, don't you know
that this is worth five hundred thousand dollars?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
My god? The dream.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Yes, it's the point of being a collector is to
be like, turns out you great eye for trash.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Your your taste for garbage is unmatched and highly valuable.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
That insane thing you bought add a garage sale and
couldn't afford rent because of it, it turns out it's
worth something.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Can I just tell you that I at a it
was like a garage sale that was truly like four
doors away from my house, from my old house dream.
I found a Teddy roosevelt walking stick, so like, the
top of it is Teddy Roosevelt's head.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Oh, it's like, wasn't his?
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It was?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
No, No, it was like and I'm like this.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
I would guess that this was like given away by
like gas stations, because it's not a quality walking stick.
I think it's made of plastic. But I bought it
because I was like, but I know, collectors don't really care.
If you're a Teddy Roosevelt collector, you just want that
walking stick.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
However, it was made totally. So that's my retirement fund.
Mine is.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
You know when airlines were like new and they were
like flyer, you have to fly our airlines will give
you shit to fly it. There was a Japanese flight
that would give out these sock bottles, like a kit
of them. And of course guys, original packaging so necessary.
Oh you know what I mean, Like it has heavy
and things that are an original box. I don't give
(03:19):
a shit what's inside. I'll fucking buy it for the box.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
A box from like nineteen sixty three. What's inside it?
So it's a band aid it's this teal box.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
I did have an old band aid box that I
put playing cards in my grandma's playing cards.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Wow, this is going Remember when band aids came in
a ten? Yes? Is that what you're talking about?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Yes, the coolest, the coolest.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Let's do what are the weirdest, coolest things you found
at garage sales or that you found in your aunt's
basement when she passed on, yes, right.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Or something that you you liked. We're basically going to
do a podcast of antiques roadshow with no one qualified.
We just it's all by faith worth dollars. We're gonna
start to tell me what you.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Get, what'd you buy?
Speaker 3 (04:08):
And then you're like, it turns out it was a
Kandinski and I.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Bought that is look at you.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
I did find in a jean and an old jean jacket.
I bought the just a little tiny scrap of paper
that said victory on it handwriting, and I kept it
like it doesn't have to be worth anything if you
want to write in it worked though, Uh.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Oh no, she's crying silently. Everybody should cry loudly silently.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Yeah, you
got some How old were you when you got that?
Speaker 1 (04:40):
I was like twenty one and couldn't have literally couldn't
afford rent. You know?
Speaker 2 (04:45):
That was the Lord secretly whispering to you your jeans.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
I bet there's I bet there's some cool person who
works at a vintage shop who always checks the pockets
and has found I.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Mean, tell us if you found cold hard cash.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Right like washed rolled up, you know, and hash gets
washed and then it gets real small and crispy.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
There's got to be people who are just like yep.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Found a bunch of coke, bags of drugs like but
like old drugs that don't work anymore.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Right here we go. That's so here.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
If you need an explanation for what this is about,
well we just fucking gave it to you. This is
If this was the first minisoda you've ever heard, you're baffled,
You're baffled, but this is. But if you don't like this,
then you're never gonna listen. Then goodbye, and then find
your own business. As Karen said, yes, okay, someone spilled
pa and then they want to look at my shit.
And then they said, but I was bummed because all
(05:36):
I wanted to do is play with cookie, so they
didn't even want to be at my house. It is
That was still that was the.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
End of the dream. Yeah, got it, got it?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
And then they said, is it possible to listen to
too much MFM? Never? Always Never? Anyways, let's get back
to my high school days circa about nineteen ninety four.
All the athletes had to pass physicals in order to
participate in school sports. So, believe it or not, they
did group physicals. That sounds completely unlikely now, like to
(06:04):
be fair, right, turn.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Your head, look at your friend next to you in cough.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, but also like if you have any like lamp
or anything wrong with you, your fucking band from school athletics.
So the good old days, you had to bring your PaperWorks,
sit in the line, take the eye test and the
measurements including weight, in front of everyone else before being
called in to the private exam room for all that
(06:30):
other uncomfortable stuff. Oh okay, turn your head and cough.
They did this in the theater dressing rooms. That's intimate.
One larger room for the group stuff, two smaller private
rooms for the exams. And you know, it was also
a time where it was like the doctor could just
go in solo with the teenager, didn't have to be
like a nurse practitioner in there.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
There's problems upon.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Why didn't they the good old days were not good,
just old.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Why didn't they think having your weight taken was part
of the private thing.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, one hundred percent of NBD. This is shaney, doctor,
This is shame culture. Like a bad ninety four please okay,
so yeah picture thirteen through eighteen year olds all lined
up along the walls of the hallway outside the main room.
Once you entered the main room, they gave you a
pea cup that you had to all caps, walk past
(07:22):
eighty or so of your fellow high school schoolers with
empty and return with it full. No. As if it
wasn't bad enough, you were asked to place your warm
and hopefully not wet cup of pea on top of
your paperwork on the table with about twenty others.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I was so nervous.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I set my paperwork down and as I went to
place my pea cup on top of it, the nurse
grabbed my hand and said not there. I freaked out
and dropped the pea cup. It gets worse, it always does.
It's billed all over the table and soaked everyone's papers.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You think that's the.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Worst of it, wouldn't you let me give you the
highlights from there one. The waiting in line took a while,
so most kids were dropped off by their parents or
drove themselves, which wouldn't be a big deal except the
paperwork required parent signature, so there was no throwing away
of these papers.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Oh no, they made.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
A clothesline and all caps hung them up to dry.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Oh oh sorry, did it say what year? This was
ninety four. It's not like Laura Ingalls Wild eighteen eighty six.
There's no excuse for this.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
This is like literally actionable, entirely, all every step of
this is actionable.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
This them sending this email to us has opened them
up for a lawsuit.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
And it's like, not only have you shamed yourself, but
then they're hanging up. It's like the scarlet letter that
they're like, yes, now everyone look at what k no
full name because for obvious reasons.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Okay, I wonder funny that the sorry, but it's funny
that the initial isn't p.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Clas clamor paring.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
In there with the zingers, I had to stop you
to zing and then step back. It wasn't worth while
zing then, it says, I wonder how many of them
the high school students remember Krusty Pea covered physical forms
that year? Am I the only one still in shock
that they did that? No?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
We all everyone's with you now, we're deeply in shop.
Uh huh too. My older brother was in the room
when this happened.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
He had to get a physical too, and at that
age he was a total asshole to me.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
This is fucking job, dude.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I thought he was going to rake me over the coals,
but instead he was grateful Why because he spent the
time it took them to clean up, memorizing the eye
chart and avoided getting glasses for another year like a teenager.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
This was before a cell phone.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Number three, this was before cell phones and texts, but
like old fashioned telephone were traveled by the speed of
light down that mile long hallway, and I guess who
had to walk past every one of them when it
was over the fucking walk of shame, like it might
as well be a spanking machine.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
Well, and at that point it might as well have
been that what the original did you say?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
The real initial is.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
T okay okay okay. Might at that point it might
as well have been that Ka took their pea cup
and threw it at everybody on purpose, like a monkey
at the zoo. Because right, it doesn't really matter what
the accident was.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
It's straight Hannibal Lecter's next door neighbor, Nigs Miggs. Right,
if you don't know we're talking about, shame on you.
Number four. Don't worry, I didn't have to pie in
a cup again. They just stuck the test on the
table before they clean it up.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
This just game's getting.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Don't waste that waste goah forbid, Like you can't pee
again for another hour, so you might way, you get it.
So there you go. It's my all time classic. I
haven't told in years. I feel like I could write
a novel for you, guys. I'm known for weird and
crazy shit always happening to me, but since you opened
it up to embarrassing moments, I couldn't hold this one back.
(11:25):
I've written in before about my night of the bloody
faced man and the creepy neighbor that broke into my
house and stole my underwear, But maybe my spilled cup
of pea will be the one to make the appearance
it did. Okay, anyway, stay sexy and only spill pe
when no one is watching. Okay, okay, kay, slow clank you.
(11:48):
I had to start with that one because it was
just so epic. It was big, it was bold, and
again I wanted the new people to know what this
was about.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
That's right, I mean, if you had to encapsulate what
this podcast really is higher podcast, the entire the whole thing,
Mini MAXI many many it's that email right there.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Thank you K for really bringing it home, for simplifying
who we are deep down.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Cups of peace builled on your Also, what grade were
they in?
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Like?
Speaker 3 (12:22):
How long did that last of that's the person that
feed everywhere got it?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Well, if their older brother was there, that means they
had to be under seventeen probably I would think eighteen
through eighteen year old, So I mean, yeah, it had
to be bad.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Sophomore Max, Oh totally. Okay, let's see, it's the high bar.
There's a high bar to to try to reach.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
I want to go ahead and Jay for giving me
that one? What does that mean? Are you mad at
him now? True love? I guess fine, I don't care.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
This subject line is hometown murder plus bonus postal worker
say the day heigh murder quarantinos.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
Oh fuck, what sly? Did that take you a year?
But also Bay, someone had a lot of time. Rachel
just nailed it, okay he murder Quarantinos. First off, love
you all so much and you make my day every
time I listen. I finally found my mini episode Niche
when you mentioned postal worker stories, and I realized I
(13:25):
had to write. In One summer about ten years ago,
I was waitressing at a local restaurant in the evenings,
so most of my mornings I was free to do
whatever I wanted, but usually you could find me working
on my tan in the backyard.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Looking back, I realized that covering.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Myself in baby oil and laying in the sun for
hours at a time was not the best idea for
many reasons, but we won't go into that. While I
was home alone most days, I never worried much because
my great Pyrenees mountain dog, Baxter, who was so giant
that one winter he was mistaken for a polar bank.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Back back, there's the same.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Kind of dog as Gracie, which was my sister's dog
when Nora was little.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Remember the pictures of Nora laying on that huge dog.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Oh they're the best dogs. They're like the greatest kids. Yeah,
And I would walk that. I would walk Gracie down
to the park and little kids would run up and
hug her without saying, like their parents wouldn't even know,
and she would just sit down and let them do
whatever they Oh, it was she was the greatest rip.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Just jumps at children's faces happily, but gets so excited.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Okay, well, kids and puppies, that's a good combo. Yeah, okay.
So Baxter never left my side. Because of this, and
because of the fact that I lived out in the
middle of nowhere in northeast Indiana, I never worried much
about being home alone. While Baxter had a habit of
barking aggressively at noises he heard in the woods, I
never thought much of it until one particular day, whilst
(14:54):
I was baking in the sun, I saw our mill
lady coming up the driveway. On a normal day, she
would leave the mail in the box, but that day
she decided to bring it to me personally, and I'm
so glad she did. She immediately asked me if I
was home alone. I said, well, technically, no baxters here,
and she warned me that I should go inside and
lock the doors immediately. When I asked why, she proceeded
(15:16):
to tell me that there was a murderer on the loose,
possibly in the woods nearby. Apparently meth is a big
problem in our area, and earlier that morning at a
mobile home nearby, a drug deal went wrong, resulting in
the drug dealer shooting another man in the chest and
immediately fleeing in a car with his friend. During the
police chase, the man had bailed out of his friend's
(15:36):
car and ran into the woods nearby. I immediately called
my friend to come over and stay with me while
the police search continued, and on his way to my house,
he was stopped by police so that they could check
and make sure the murderer was not hiding in his
truck bed. Finally, in a search involving over one hundred
and fifty officers, they eventually caught the man in the
woods just across the state line in Ohio, which means
(15:59):
he likely passed right by our house earlier that morning
and was probably the cause for Baxter's barking that day.
Needless to say, this was one of the most exciting
things to happen in our small town, and I was
very thankful that our male lady took the extra time
to drop off our mail that day to make sure
I was safe. Stay sexy, and always listen to your
(16:20):
polar bear when he's trying to tell you something is
happening in the woods.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Rachel Wow, the polar bear and the mail lady were
your heroes that day. And not to discount that the
mail lady was the clear women in this well, this
competition that I have set up in my mind.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
The mail lady didn't have to do what she did.
Baxter had no choice. That's been Baxter's soul. You bark
at the woods if there's a creep out in the woods.
But the mail lady could have been like, you're not
my responsibility, and instead she went the extra mile.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Amazing good on her. I hope she got yeah key
to the city.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Okay, when my mom pursued a criminal in a high
speed chase, yes, my favorite ladies. To provide some context,
my parents live on ten acres of land in Arizona.
All their neighbors are pretty spaced out, but still within
about a quarter of a mile from each other. One time,
as my mom left our house, she passed a car
(17:20):
she didn't recognize that was part close to our nearest neighbors,
but thought nothing of it. We occasionally have hikers or
mountain bikers out there. Realizing she had left her wallet
at home, she turned around and then saw a man
quickly get in that car with things in his hands,
exiting my neighbor's house.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
And sped away.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
She felt something was off, so she began to follow him,
and eventually, once getting off dirt roads, he realized my
mom was following and began going eighty on a fifty
mile per hour road. That sounds like me, Mom, while
on the phone with the cops, chased this man, even
though they repeatedly told her not to, and in an
(18:01):
attempt to see his face, she took a dirt road
that met up again with the paved road and got
a look at his face, car and license number.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Damn, Mom.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Turns out he had entered our neighbor's house through their
doggy door. Guys, doggy doors are not safe, and then
once their dog was outside, he had put bleach outside
the door so their dog wouldn't enter.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Oh he isn't that weird?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
He stole thousands of dollars of jewelry and electronics. The
cops later had my mom pick a photo out of
a lineup, and she said, without a doubt she knew
it was him. Unfortunately, the jewelry was never returned, as
his girlfriend worked at a shop where they would melt
down gold, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Wow, what kind of shop is this? I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
That doesn't sound like a shop. It sounds like, no,
an illegal operation. That sounds like something from the seventeen hundreds.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Totally, Oh my god, I made I don't know why.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
It's a pirate now, poor poor little gold in the barbie.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
What an Australian pirate shop. We know you're day here
I go. But at least they caught the guy.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Regardless of the nine to one to one operator telling
my mom not to chase what it could be a
dangerous criminal. Then it says, seriously, Mom, what the fuck
or WTF? Anyway, shout out to my mom, Kim Kimberly
for being such a badass, stay sexy and when in doubt,
maybe don't chase a criminal in hot pursuit Sydney like
from Australia Sydney.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Hey, it's a theme. Yes, don't chase anybody like in
that scenario.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
It's really not safe. It's I mean, who knows. So
maybe she didn't know that there wasn't someone in the house,
that something had happened to them, you know, but then
go check on the person instead.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
I guess it's the just get out of the way.
Here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Even it's all of that is the best of the
thought behind it is wonderful.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
But you're in the way, and the.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
What if those cops come and they pull a gun
and you're up there going but I'm gonna make a
facial id like.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
No, yeah, go home? What if the guy has a gun?
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Yeah? Or what if you know eighty five thousand other things,
eighty five thousand other things know your spot?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Come on totally?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Uh, don't be a hero, kim Well charity, charity did it?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Okay? There were so many good ones that I keep.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
Every time I pick up a piece of paper, I
put a star next to the one I caught, and.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I'm like, wait, shit, is this the one? Okay?
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Uh? The subject line of this one is Russian Roulette
the Dart edition.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Oh no, no, oh, no, hey'all. My dad grew up
with three sisters and a brother. As kids in the
forties and fifties, my dad got into all sorts of
shenanigans with his brother, like the time they smoked a cigar,
trampled all the watermelons in the community garden, or set
off a bomb at the seminary building. Those three things
(20:55):
are the most epic things kids have ever done.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
And they did them all. I'm so impressed.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Singularly, it would have been a lifelong story and they
were just they were kudos.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
They were getting it done. Okay.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
But this is the story of how they'd play Russian
Roulette dart style. When they moved to Utah from California.
It was the first time they lived in a house
with a basement. So they take turn standing at the
top of the stairs throwing a dart through the opening
at the bottom of the stairs while the other ran
across the opening. The goal for one at the top
(21:30):
of the stairs was to hit the brother running across
the bottom the brother while the bottom brother attempted to avoid.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
How how in that map doesn't add up? That map
does not fucking linear the map.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
That's the math of an older sibling making up a
game where they get to abuse the younger sibling, but it's.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
All within the construction of the game rules. That's my cousin,
Stevie Hospital.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
I'd love to name check him when I get to
talk about his abuse.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
When we were children, he used to love to play.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Baseball where it was me and my sister against him
out in the farmyard, and he would be like so
when I'm up, you pitch to me, but when Europe,
I pitch to you. But then I throw the ball
at you to get you out at the basis and we're.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Like, okay, I mean there's nothing else to do. That
was legit.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
My cousin Mitch is that one who actually is doctor Dan.
His podcast is coming out on Network. His little brother
who was just a try He's the one who let
his kitchen on fire. Shit as a kid, just a
troublemaker and would when the little cousins as we would
come over, the rules were hard and fast, didn't make sense.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Someone always got hurt.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
It always involves hitting as a just part of a game,
Like did you ever play that game Spit where you
slam your hand down like.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
On piles if the if two cards the same card?
Oh yeah or whatever? Fun?
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Oh yeah, okay, So Stevie when we played Spit, he
would no matter what cards were down, if you went
to put your hand down, would just smack your hand.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Like it was just an excuse to hit us.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
I thought you were going to say the game where
they hold one of the young which fucking Mitch definitely
did this. They hold the younger one down and pretend
they're gonna spit in their face. Let the spit hang.
The most disgusting game. Okay, that's the worst. And my
sister did that to me one time. I turned my
head and the spit went into my ear. Of course
it did, so I was slightly obsessed with Q tips
(23:33):
ever since. Anyhow, can't get clean anyhow. Okay, so the
good where the fuck were.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
My my dad?
Speaker 3 (23:44):
So the point of the game is for the bottom
brother to avoid getting.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Hit by the brother at the top of the stairs.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
My dad said they often did this with a BBI
gun too, geez inside downstairs, but this particular, on this
particular occasion, it was a set of art. My dad
was the unlucky one at the bottom of the stairs
while his younger brother was at the top. And wouldn't
you know it, his little brother had been practicing. Oh fuck,
(24:10):
he got real good.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
He's like a sniper. He's been practicing.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
And as my dad ran passed, his brother hit him
with a dart one sixteenth of an inch away from
his eye. That sucker stuck straight out from the side
of his face and had my dad run any slower
or my uncle lopped the dart any sooner, My dad
could have lost an eye.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Oh classic.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
My dad passed away seven years ago, but he and
his brother remained best friends and loved telling us about
all the experiences they had as kids.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Anytime I'm missing.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
My dad, I give my uncle a call because they
sound and act so much alike.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
That's lovely.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Anyway, thanks for starting this podcast and bringing literal joy
into my life. I'm so glad to finally not feel
like a weirdo simply because I enjoy true crime, Stay sexy,
and if you're going to play darts, make sure you're
a the.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
One at the top of the stairs brook. Wow.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I gotta say, for as big as travel makers as
my brother and sister and I were, the fact that
we didn't have an attic or a basement or really
much free space to run in because we lived in
a suburb, I think we got real lucky. And there's
some scars that didn't ever happen because that right, you
just didn't have the room to make them, yeah, to
(25:27):
make option courses, yes, and kind of to go like
you were away from adults.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
So those kinds of.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Games, they always just get ratcheted up. It's never just
the you know, because because we played that like that
kind of baseball for a while. Then that morphed into
because the compost pile was right nearby, so then it
would turn into rotten potato baseball or rotten egg bas
But you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
My brother did once crack an egg over my head,
so I got what you mean.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
And then there was my poor mom, My poor working mom.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
I think she got in trouble at work because we
would just every day someone would call her crying and screaming.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Oh yes, yes, we did that to my mom all
the time.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
We made her late for work every single morning, and
we called her constantly at the psychiatric hospital where she's
just like already killing.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
With fucking people with a pretty stressful job.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
And then we're like, mom, I wanted to watch It's company,
and she turned.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Into what she's just like, Oh, not kidding, clean up
the front home before we get home. Oh we need
to give them. I need to give my mom a break.
Okay from which, Happy Mother's Day, Happy Mother's Day for
all the moms out there.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yes we see you, see we see your pain, but
we'll never feel it. In our wombs are closed, flights
are off in our wombs. Okay, meet cute from the Netherlands. Oh, hi,
furry friends, and that says rip this. I'm a newlywed
(27:02):
to the show. My best friend introduced me to you guys,
and boy, I had no clue. I secretly was a
murdering Now thanks dude, So now I'm binging with regular
laugh outbursts.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Thanks nice? No sorry? Did they refer to themselves as
a newlywed to the show?
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Yeah, so we're all married to someone in the Netherlands.
Exciting we are In the last minisode you asked for
meat cute stories or and then it says, e A
t meet cute.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Maybe I'm missing some USA slaying as.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
A duchy butchers and us, Oh your.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Meat meat cutes? Have you been slicing? Slicing a side
of beef? And I someone cute walks up.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Okay, many years ago, I was knocked off by a
horse while riding on my own in the woods. I
broke my ankle badly and couldn't walk or get to
my horse. First, I yes, it was the time of
flip phones. Thank god, the owner of the horse, then
my mom, then my dad, But for some reason, everyone
had something better to do than respond to my calls.
(28:12):
The next person on my mind was my ex boyfriend,
who I walked a dog with in that same area
a week before.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
He would know where I was and find me.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
He answered the phone, and when I said, Hi, I'm
knocked off the horse. I think I broke my ankle
and now someone needs to come and help me, he said,
have you called nine one one?
Speaker 2 (28:30):
And then it says the Dutch version of it.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
I laughed because I just thought somebody had to come
get me, and I didn't even I hadn't even thought
about paramedics, even though my foot was standing at a
ninety degree angle to my leg. Yeah, I said, I
blame adrenaline. Oh, that's sweet, sweet adrenaline. He asked where
I was, and I said, and said he would be
on his way after that. I rang nine one one,
but he beat them to it. He waited there with
(28:56):
me in the woods, keeping me calm, guided the paramedic
to me once they couldn't drive further, and join me
in the ambulance.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
To the hospital. Oh.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I had surgery and long recovery, but he visited me
almost daily to talk and laugh and just be bored
with me. Fast forward to fourteen years later, and he
still makes me laugh and is the most sweet and
awesome dad to our little boy. Oh man, sorry for
the long story. Hope it fits the criteria. Listen, Harry,
(29:26):
is no criteria anymore, and long it is stories feed
our souls.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Just a good story. Yeah, that's all we want.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
Last, but not least, thank you for normalizing psychiatric counseling.
My brother has struggled with depression and addiction for over
a decade while refusing professional help since he thought that
was embarrassing or meant he was weak. You are making
a difference. Thanks. Oh stay sexy and break a leg
finding your true love love lows, that's rad, that's you.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
I love that. I mean, you know, oft times.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
We break up with people for very good reasons, and
sometimes you get back together for very bad reason.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Amen, just something I love to do. But I love that.
That was It's almost like they went.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Through a little tests and then it was like yeah,
and then if you call someone and they're like I
thought you were gonna be like call no one one,
go bye, and instead it was like you didn't do
the thing you should do. You're calling me smart enough
to be like, let me pick up on that. Yeah,
get in there. Reliability is an amazing character trait to
find in a partner.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Dude.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
You know, it's like giving a shit. It's really key,
like truly giving a shit and.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Then like being there by your side in the hospital.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
It's just like care and reliability are beautiful things to
find in a partner and not common. Because these days
were also MEMI me totally. You're also mean, really meme
all those memes out there.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Oh so many meat narcissistic memes.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
All right, okay, okay, this is last right, and yes
this I really enjoyed reading.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
This subject line is another Alaskan, another irresponsible tree climber.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
Hello, hi friends.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
I recently listened to the minisode written by the Alaskan
who pushed her three year old brother out of the tree,
and thought of my own childhood in Alaska. I feel
that this person should have gone into greater detail about
just how weird it is to grow up in Alaska.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Nearly do not correct other people's home downs. That's one
rule we have right now. Don't fucking talk shit on
other people's owns.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
Nearly everything up here is trying to kill you in parentheses, animals, weather,
weird ass dudes, and as a result, all the kids
are half badass and half insane. For example, I used
to mountain bike down an old power line trail to
get to my friend's house about three miles away.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
One day, when I was eleven or twelve years old,
I was bombing down the trail and came across a
mama brown bear.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
With two babies.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
A normal human being would think I am about to die,
but my baby alaskanis thought, ugh, now I have to
carry my bike through the brush to get around them,
which I did. But this story isn't about bears or bikes.
It's about trees. In the nineties, my family bought ten
wild acres near Keene, Alaska, about two hours away from Anchorage.
(32:31):
We planned to eventually build a cabin, but first we
needed to create a clearing by cutting down excess trees.
My dad an ex forest ranger slash turned army ranger
slash turned doctor.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I guess I didn't need to say the slashes, sorry,
but I love slashes.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
They'd be calm as if she didn't her here, or
they didn't want you to read the slashes.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
You know, you know, just as a grammatically, you don't
meet the slashes if you're going to put the turned
in there, but you know what this is on me anyway.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
No shame, There's no shame in hometown. Okay.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
So my dad, an X forest ranger turned army ranger
turned doctor, needed help clearing said trees, so naturally he
taught his eight and ten year old daughters how to
safely cut them down with a hand saw.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Absolutely skills skills the girls.
Speaker 3 (33:22):
Needed later in life. He marked which ones needed to
go and left us to it.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Baye bye aye. Yeah, just enjoy your day.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I'm gonna go have a fucking what kind of hams?
What kind of beer do they have? Like beer do
they have in Alaska?
Speaker 2 (33:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (33:36):
I bet they have plenty of hams up there, I think,
so hopefully a nice keystone.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
Being slightly badassd but mostly insane, we eventually got bored
of cutting the trees down and.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Decided to create a game. Oh what is the game?
You ask? Well, it went like this.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Together, we'd start sawing a wedge into the tree, and
once it was quote unquote just right, one of us
would climb up and find a secure spot to hang
on the other would then saw the rest of the
tree all caps.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
So the person in the tree could ride it down
as it fell.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I want to cry, I want to cry and cry.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Oh this was that lowed to like?
Speaker 1 (34:18):
This was a parent sanctioned move, Yes, by by that
dad being like, good luck with your logging eight and
ten year old child.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Yeah, here's five minutes of showing you how. Yes, yeah, okay.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Eventually, having heard our shrills of excitement, my dad puttered
back over and asked what we were doing. We explained,
and he looked up at me in the tree eight
years old, my sister holding the saw, ten years old,
and said, make sure you only ride the ones that.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Are marked and walked away.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Oh, this, ladies and gentlemen, is an Alaskan childhood. Oh
you'll be pleased to know that my sister and I
both grew up in are fully functioning human being. Are
you sure?
Speaker 3 (35:03):
I live in the Pacific Northwest now, and although I'm
in my thirties, if I see a good climbing tree,
and there are many, I'll climb it. You can take
the girl out of Alaska, but you can't take the
Alaska out of the girl. Stay sexy and only ride
the trees that are marked.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
Rachel, that's a beautiful metaphor for life, you know, like
have fun, be wild, but you know, keep a safe
distance from unmarked trees.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Yeah, do your research almost like, you know, to make
sure you know exactly what the shape of what you're
trying to aim toward is. Yeah, don't just do it wherever.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
We need your wilderness childhood stories, please, we need them.
We want them. My brother hike to ten hike to
the bottom of the Grand Canyon, didn't come home to
camp the campground until three in the morning. I wrote
about it in our book Jay Saxy and Don't Get Murdered?
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Is it out?
Speaker 3 (35:55):
I thought you were talking about no May eleventh. I
thought you were talking about that episode of The Brady Bunch.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Oh maybe as did that happened to you? Are you
remembering old Brady? Bye child?
Speaker 1 (36:09):
My childhood has forgotten? Then I put in Brady Bunch
in Wonder Years. You remember when remember my friend's brother
went to Vietnam.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
That was Yes, it was so sad.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
And then remember when he was also slightly younger and
in the Princess Bride.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Oh we love him. Oh Fred Savage, Savage, what a
good hearted person.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Okay, if you want one more story, each and then
a few back episodes of that too. You can join
the fan cult. We do many minisodes fan cult stories only.
Thanks for listening, and stay sexy and don't get murdered.
Speaker 2 (36:40):
Goodbye, Elvis. Do you want a cookie?
Hello, and welcome to my favorite murder. Oh this is
the minisodeh hi, oh hi, Hi want me to go
first this week? This is where we reach you your emails.
What's happening? Yes, okay, you want to get right to it.
No you can fuck in chat chit chat in a minute.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
No, no, go ahead. I just meant explain what the
show was.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
But at this point we got to figure most people
did the odds that someone scrolling through and picking a
minisode randomly or nil.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Probably that's right.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
But if you don't know, if you don't know what
this is, yeah, mind your own business.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
That's not right. I love it, Karen. It's true, it's true.
It's all true.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Okay, this one's called I spilled PA on important paperwork
of at least twenty high school classmates.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
I feel like I need to start by saying I
had a dream the other night that Georgia invited me
to her house to tell her what all her cool
vintage stuff was worth, because that's what I do for
a living, and you all thought it was so cool.
You did a live show from the house while I
was doing it, which is my dream.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Dude, come over and fucking.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Yes, that's George's dream is for everyone to come into
her house and for all of her life to take
place within the four walls of her.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Oh, my god, you just got that so right on.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
No, my dream is for like the antiques road show
people to come over and be like, this is this
and that is that?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Could you imagine if they were like, don't you know
that this is worth five hundred thousand dollars?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
My god? The dream.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Yes, it's the point of being a collector is to
be like, turns out you great eye for trash.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Your your taste for garbage is unmatched and highly valuable.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
That insane thing you bought add a garage sale and
couldn't afford rent because of it, it turns out it's
worth something.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Can I just tell you that I at a it
was like a garage sale that was truly like four
doors away from my house, from my old house dream.
I found a Teddy roosevelt walking stick, so like, the
top of it is Teddy Roosevelt's head.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Oh, it's like, wasn't his?
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It was?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
No, No, it was like and I'm like this.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
I would guess that this was like given away by
like gas stations, because it's not a quality walking stick.
I think it's made of plastic. But I bought it
because I was like, but I know, collectors don't really care.
If you're a Teddy Roosevelt collector, you just want that
walking stick.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
However, it was made totally. So that's my retirement fund.
Mine is.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
You know when airlines were like new and they were
like flyer, you have to fly our airlines will give
you shit to fly it. There was a Japanese flight
that would give out these sock bottles, like a kit
of them. And of course guys, original packaging so necessary.
Oh you know what I mean, Like it has heavy
and things that are an original box. I don't give
(03:19):
a shit what's inside. I'll fucking buy it for the box.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
A box from like nineteen sixty three. What's inside it?
So it's a band aid it's this teal box.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
I did have an old band aid box that I
put playing cards in my grandma's playing cards.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Wow, this is going Remember when band aids came in
a ten? Yes? Is that what you're talking about?
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Yes, the coolest, the coolest.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Let's do what are the weirdest, coolest things you found
at garage sales or that you found in your aunt's
basement when she passed on, yes, right.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Or something that you you liked. We're basically going to
do a podcast of antiques roadshow with no one qualified.
We just it's all by faith worth dollars. We're gonna
start to tell me what you.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Get, what'd you buy?
Speaker 3 (04:08):
And then you're like, it turns out it was a
Kandinski and I.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Bought that is look at you.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
I did find in a jean and an old jean jacket.
I bought the just a little tiny scrap of paper
that said victory on it handwriting, and I kept it
like it doesn't have to be worth anything if you
want to write in it worked though, Uh.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Oh no, she's crying silently. Everybody should cry loudly silently.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Yeah, you
got some How old were you when you got that?
Speaker 1 (04:40):
I was like twenty one and couldn't have literally couldn't
afford rent. You know?
Speaker 2 (04:45):
That was the Lord secretly whispering to you your jeans.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
I bet there's I bet there's some cool person who
works at a vintage shop who always checks the pockets
and has found I.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Mean, tell us if you found cold hard cash.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Right like washed rolled up, you know, and hash gets
washed and then it gets real small and crispy.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
There's got to be people who are just like yep.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Found a bunch of coke, bags of drugs like but
like old drugs that don't work anymore.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Right here we go. That's so here.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
If you need an explanation for what this is about,
well we just fucking gave it to you. This is
If this was the first minisoda you've ever heard, you're baffled,
You're baffled, but this is. But if you don't like this,
then you're never gonna listen. Then goodbye, and then find
your own business. As Karen said, yes, okay, someone spilled
pa and then they want to look at my shit.
And then they said, but I was bummed because all
(05:36):
I wanted to do is play with cookie, so they
didn't even want to be at my house. It is
That was still that was the.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
End of the dream. Yeah, got it, got it?
Speaker 1 (05:44):
And then they said, is it possible to listen to
too much MFM? Never? Always Never? Anyways, let's get back
to my high school days circa about nineteen ninety four.
All the athletes had to pass physicals in order to
participate in school sports. So, believe it or not, they
did group physicals. That sounds completely unlikely now, like to
(06:04):
be fair, right, turn.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Your head, look at your friend next to you in cough.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, but also like if you have any like lamp
or anything wrong with you, your fucking band from school athletics.
So the good old days, you had to bring your PaperWorks,
sit in the line, take the eye test and the
measurements including weight, in front of everyone else before being
called in to the private exam room for all that
(06:30):
other uncomfortable stuff. Oh okay, turn your head and cough.
They did this in the theater dressing rooms. That's intimate.
One larger room for the group stuff, two smaller private
rooms for the exams. And you know, it was also
a time where it was like the doctor could just
go in solo with the teenager, didn't have to be
like a nurse practitioner in there.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
There's problems upon.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Why didn't they the good old days were not good,
just old.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Why didn't they think having your weight taken was part
of the private thing.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, one hundred percent of NBD. This is shaney, doctor,
This is shame culture. Like a bad ninety four please okay,
so yeah picture thirteen through eighteen year olds all lined
up along the walls of the hallway outside the main room.
Once you entered the main room, they gave you a
pea cup that you had to all caps, walk past
(07:22):
eighty or so of your fellow high school schoolers with
empty and return with it full. No. As if it
wasn't bad enough, you were asked to place your warm
and hopefully not wet cup of pea on top of
your paperwork on the table with about twenty others.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I was so nervous.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I set my paperwork down and as I went to
place my pea cup on top of it, the nurse
grabbed my hand and said not there. I freaked out
and dropped the pea cup. It gets worse, it always does.
It's billed all over the table and soaked everyone's papers.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You think that's the.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Worst of it, wouldn't you let me give you the
highlights from there one. The waiting in line took a while,
so most kids were dropped off by their parents or
drove themselves, which wouldn't be a big deal except the
paperwork required parent signature, so there was no throwing away
of these papers.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Oh no, they made.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
A clothesline and all caps hung them up to dry.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Oh oh sorry, did it say what year? This was
ninety four. It's not like Laura Ingalls Wild eighteen eighty six.
There's no excuse for this.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
This is like literally actionable, entirely, all every step of
this is actionable.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
This them sending this email to us has opened them
up for a lawsuit.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
And it's like, not only have you shamed yourself, but
then they're hanging up. It's like the scarlet letter that
they're like, yes, now everyone look at what k no
full name because for obvious reasons.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Okay, I wonder funny that the sorry, but it's funny
that the initial isn't p.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Clas clamor paring.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
In there with the zingers, I had to stop you
to zing and then step back. It wasn't worth while
zing then, it says, I wonder how many of them
the high school students remember Krusty Pea covered physical forms
that year? Am I the only one still in shock
that they did that? No?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
We all everyone's with you now, we're deeply in shop.
Uh huh too. My older brother was in the room
when this happened.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
He had to get a physical too, and at that
age he was a total asshole to me.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
This is fucking job, dude.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I thought he was going to rake me over the coals,
but instead he was grateful Why because he spent the
time it took them to clean up, memorizing the eye
chart and avoided getting glasses for another year like a teenager.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
This was before a cell phone.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Number three, this was before cell phones and texts, but
like old fashioned telephone were traveled by the speed of
light down that mile long hallway, and I guess who
had to walk past every one of them when it
was over the fucking walk of shame, like it might
as well be a spanking machine.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
Well, and at that point it might as well have
been that what the original did you say?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
The real initial is.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
T okay okay okay. Might at that point it might
as well have been that Ka took their pea cup
and threw it at everybody on purpose, like a monkey
at the zoo. Because right, it doesn't really matter what
the accident was.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
It's straight Hannibal Lecter's next door neighbor, Nigs Miggs. Right,
if you don't know we're talking about, shame on you.
Number four. Don't worry, I didn't have to pie in
a cup again. They just stuck the test on the
table before they clean it up.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
This just game's getting.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Don't waste that waste goah forbid, Like you can't pee
again for another hour, so you might way, you get it.
So there you go. It's my all time classic. I
haven't told in years. I feel like I could write
a novel for you, guys. I'm known for weird and
crazy shit always happening to me, but since you opened
it up to embarrassing moments, I couldn't hold this one back.
(11:25):
I've written in before about my night of the bloody
faced man and the creepy neighbor that broke into my
house and stole my underwear, But maybe my spilled cup
of pea will be the one to make the appearance
it did. Okay, anyway, stay sexy and only spill pe
when no one is watching. Okay, okay, kay, slow clank you.
(11:48):
I had to start with that one because it was
just so epic. It was big, it was bold, and
again I wanted the new people to know what this
was about.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
That's right, I mean, if you had to encapsulate what
this podcast really is higher podcast, the entire the whole thing,
Mini MAXI many many it's that email right there.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Thank you K for really bringing it home, for simplifying
who we are deep down.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Cups of peace builled on your Also, what grade were
they in?
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Like?
Speaker 3 (12:22):
How long did that last of that's the person that
feed everywhere got it?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Well, if their older brother was there, that means they
had to be under seventeen probably I would think eighteen
through eighteen year old, So I mean, yeah, it had
to be bad.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Sophomore Max, Oh totally. Okay, let's see, it's the high bar.
There's a high bar to to try to reach.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
I want to go ahead and Jay for giving me
that one? What does that mean? Are you mad at
him now? True love? I guess fine, I don't care.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
This subject line is hometown murder plus bonus postal worker
say the day heigh murder quarantinos.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
Oh fuck, what sly? Did that take you a year?
But also Bay, someone had a lot of time. Rachel
just nailed it, okay he murder Quarantinos. First off, love
you all so much and you make my day every
time I listen. I finally found my mini episode Niche
when you mentioned postal worker stories, and I realized I
(13:25):
had to write. In One summer about ten years ago,
I was waitressing at a local restaurant in the evenings,
so most of my mornings I was free to do
whatever I wanted, but usually you could find me working
on my tan in the backyard.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Looking back, I realized that covering.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Myself in baby oil and laying in the sun for
hours at a time was not the best idea for
many reasons, but we won't go into that. While I
was home alone most days, I never worried much because
my great Pyrenees mountain dog, Baxter, who was so giant
that one winter he was mistaken for a polar bank.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Back back, there's the same.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Kind of dog as Gracie, which was my sister's dog
when Nora was little.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Remember the pictures of Nora laying on that huge dog.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Oh they're the best dogs. They're like the greatest kids. Yeah,
And I would walk that. I would walk Gracie down
to the park and little kids would run up and
hug her without saying, like their parents wouldn't even know,
and she would just sit down and let them do
whatever they Oh, it was she was the greatest rip.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Just jumps at children's faces happily, but gets so excited.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Okay, well, kids and puppies, that's a good combo. Yeah, okay.
So Baxter never left my side. Because of this, and
because of the fact that I lived out in the
middle of nowhere in northeast Indiana, I never worried much
about being home alone. While Baxter had a habit of
barking aggressively at noises he heard in the woods, I
never thought much of it until one particular day, whilst
(14:54):
I was baking in the sun, I saw our mill
lady coming up the driveway. On a normal day, she
would leave the mail in the box, but that day
she decided to bring it to me personally, and I'm
so glad she did. She immediately asked me if I
was home alone. I said, well, technically, no baxters here,
and she warned me that I should go inside and
lock the doors immediately. When I asked why, she proceeded
(15:16):
to tell me that there was a murderer on the loose,
possibly in the woods nearby. Apparently meth is a big
problem in our area, and earlier that morning at a
mobile home nearby, a drug deal went wrong, resulting in
the drug dealer shooting another man in the chest and
immediately fleeing in a car with his friend. During the
police chase, the man had bailed out of his friend's
(15:36):
car and ran into the woods nearby. I immediately called
my friend to come over and stay with me while
the police search continued, and on his way to my house,
he was stopped by police so that they could check
and make sure the murderer was not hiding in his
truck bed. Finally, in a search involving over one hundred
and fifty officers, they eventually caught the man in the
woods just across the state line in Ohio, which means
(15:59):
he likely passed right by our house earlier that morning
and was probably the cause for Baxter's barking that day.
Needless to say, this was one of the most exciting
things to happen in our small town, and I was
very thankful that our male lady took the extra time
to drop off our mail that day to make sure
I was safe. Stay sexy, and always listen to your
(16:20):
polar bear when he's trying to tell you something is
happening in the woods.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Rachel Wow, the polar bear and the mail lady were
your heroes that day. And not to discount that the
mail lady was the clear women in this well, this
competition that I have set up in my mind.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
The mail lady didn't have to do what she did.
Baxter had no choice. That's been Baxter's soul. You bark
at the woods if there's a creep out in the woods.
But the mail lady could have been like, you're not
my responsibility, and instead she went the extra mile.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Amazing good on her. I hope she got yeah key
to the city.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Okay, when my mom pursued a criminal in a high
speed chase, yes, my favorite ladies. To provide some context,
my parents live on ten acres of land in Arizona.
All their neighbors are pretty spaced out, but still within
about a quarter of a mile from each other. One time,
as my mom left our house, she passed a car
(17:20):
she didn't recognize that was part close to our nearest neighbors,
but thought nothing of it. We occasionally have hikers or
mountain bikers out there. Realizing she had left her wallet
at home, she turned around and then saw a man
quickly get in that car with things in his hands,
exiting my neighbor's house.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
And sped away.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
She felt something was off, so she began to follow him,
and eventually, once getting off dirt roads, he realized my
mom was following and began going eighty on a fifty
mile per hour road. That sounds like me, Mom, while
on the phone with the cops, chased this man, even
though they repeatedly told her not to, and in an
(18:01):
attempt to see his face, she took a dirt road
that met up again with the paved road and got
a look at his face, car and license number.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Damn, Mom.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Turns out he had entered our neighbor's house through their
doggy door. Guys, doggy doors are not safe, and then
once their dog was outside, he had put bleach outside
the door so their dog wouldn't enter.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Oh he isn't that weird?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
He stole thousands of dollars of jewelry and electronics. The
cops later had my mom pick a photo out of
a lineup, and she said, without a doubt she knew
it was him. Unfortunately, the jewelry was never returned, as
his girlfriend worked at a shop where they would melt
down gold, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Wow, what kind of shop is this? I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
That doesn't sound like a shop. It sounds like, no,
an illegal operation. That sounds like something from the seventeen hundreds.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Totally, Oh my god, I made I don't know why.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
It's a pirate now, poor poor little gold in the barbie.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
What an Australian pirate shop. We know you're day here
I go. But at least they caught the guy.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Regardless of the nine to one to one operator telling
my mom not to chase what it could be a
dangerous criminal. Then it says, seriously, Mom, what the fuck
or WTF? Anyway, shout out to my mom, Kim Kimberly
for being such a badass, stay sexy and when in doubt,
maybe don't chase a criminal in hot pursuit Sydney like
from Australia Sydney.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Hey, it's a theme. Yes, don't chase anybody like in
that scenario.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
It's really not safe. It's I mean, who knows. So
maybe she didn't know that there wasn't someone in the house,
that something had happened to them, you know, but then
go check on the person instead.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
I guess it's the just get out of the way.
Here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Even it's all of that is the best of the
thought behind it is wonderful.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
But you're in the way, and the.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
What if those cops come and they pull a gun
and you're up there going but I'm gonna make a
facial id like.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
No, yeah, go home? What if the guy has a gun?
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Yeah? Or what if you know eighty five thousand other things,
eighty five thousand other things know your spot?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Come on totally?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Uh, don't be a hero, kim Well charity, charity did it?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Okay? There were so many good ones that I keep.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
Every time I pick up a piece of paper, I
put a star next to the one I caught, and.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I'm like, wait, shit, is this the one? Okay?
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Uh? The subject line of this one is Russian Roulette
the Dart edition.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Oh no, no, oh, no, hey'all. My dad grew up
with three sisters and a brother. As kids in the
forties and fifties, my dad got into all sorts of
shenanigans with his brother, like the time they smoked a cigar,
trampled all the watermelons in the community garden, or set
off a bomb at the seminary building. Those three things
(20:55):
are the most epic things kids have ever done.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
And they did them all. I'm so impressed.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Singularly, it would have been a lifelong story and they
were just they were kudos.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
They were getting it done. Okay.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
But this is the story of how they'd play Russian
Roulette dart style. When they moved to Utah from California.
It was the first time they lived in a house
with a basement. So they take turn standing at the
top of the stairs throwing a dart through the opening
at the bottom of the stairs while the other ran
across the opening. The goal for one at the top
(21:30):
of the stairs was to hit the brother running across
the bottom the brother while the bottom brother attempted to avoid.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
How how in that map doesn't add up? That map
does not fucking linear the map.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
That's the math of an older sibling making up a
game where they get to abuse the younger sibling, but it's.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
All within the construction of the game rules. That's my cousin,
Stevie Hospital.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
I'd love to name check him when I get to
talk about his abuse.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
When we were children, he used to love to play.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Baseball where it was me and my sister against him
out in the farmyard, and he would be like so
when I'm up, you pitch to me, but when Europe,
I pitch to you. But then I throw the ball
at you to get you out at the basis and we're.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Like, okay, I mean there's nothing else to do. That
was legit.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
My cousin Mitch is that one who actually is doctor Dan.
His podcast is coming out on Network. His little brother
who was just a try He's the one who let
his kitchen on fire. Shit as a kid, just a
troublemaker and would when the little cousins as we would
come over, the rules were hard and fast, didn't make sense.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Someone always got hurt.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
It always involves hitting as a just part of a game,
Like did you ever play that game Spit where you
slam your hand down like.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
On piles if the if two cards the same card?
Oh yeah or whatever? Fun?
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Oh yeah, okay, So Stevie when we played Spit, he
would no matter what cards were down, if you went
to put your hand down, would just smack your hand.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Like it was just an excuse to hit us.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
I thought you were going to say the game where
they hold one of the young which fucking Mitch definitely
did this. They hold the younger one down and pretend
they're gonna spit in their face. Let the spit hang.
The most disgusting game. Okay, that's the worst. And my
sister did that to me one time. I turned my
head and the spit went into my ear. Of course
it did, so I was slightly obsessed with Q tips
(23:33):
ever since. Anyhow, can't get clean anyhow. Okay, so the
good where the fuck were.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
My my dad?
Speaker 3 (23:44):
So the point of the game is for the bottom
brother to avoid getting.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Hit by the brother at the top of the stairs.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
My dad said they often did this with a BBI
gun too, geez inside downstairs, but this particular, on this
particular occasion, it was a set of art. My dad
was the unlucky one at the bottom of the stairs
while his younger brother was at the top. And wouldn't
you know it, his little brother had been practicing. Oh fuck,
(24:10):
he got real good.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
He's like a sniper. He's been practicing.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
And as my dad ran passed, his brother hit him
with a dart one sixteenth of an inch away from
his eye. That sucker stuck straight out from the side
of his face and had my dad run any slower
or my uncle lopped the dart any sooner, My dad
could have lost an eye.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Oh classic.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
My dad passed away seven years ago, but he and
his brother remained best friends and loved telling us about
all the experiences they had as kids.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Anytime I'm missing.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
My dad, I give my uncle a call because they
sound and act so much alike.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
That's lovely.
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Anyway, thanks for starting this podcast and bringing literal joy
into my life. I'm so glad to finally not feel
like a weirdo simply because I enjoy true crime, Stay sexy,
and if you're going to play darts, make sure you're
a the.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
One at the top of the stairs brook. Wow.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I gotta say, for as big as travel makers as
my brother and sister and I were, the fact that
we didn't have an attic or a basement or really
much free space to run in because we lived in
a suburb, I think we got real lucky. And there's
some scars that didn't ever happen because that right, you
just didn't have the room to make them, yeah, to
(25:27):
make option courses, yes, and kind of to go like
you were away from adults.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
So those kinds of.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Games, they always just get ratcheted up. It's never just
the you know, because because we played that like that
kind of baseball for a while. Then that morphed into
because the compost pile was right nearby, so then it
would turn into rotten potato baseball or rotten egg bas
But you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
My brother did once crack an egg over my head,
so I got what you mean.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
And then there was my poor mom, My poor working mom.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
I think she got in trouble at work because we
would just every day someone would call her crying and screaming.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Oh yes, yes, we did that to my mom all
the time.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
We made her late for work every single morning, and
we called her constantly at the psychiatric hospital where she's
just like already killing.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
With fucking people with a pretty stressful job.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
And then we're like, mom, I wanted to watch It's company,
and she turned.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Into what she's just like, Oh, not kidding, clean up
the front home before we get home. Oh we need
to give them. I need to give my mom a break.
Okay from which, Happy Mother's Day, Happy Mother's Day for
all the moms out there.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yes we see you, see we see your pain, but
we'll never feel it. In our wombs are closed, flights
are off in our wombs. Okay, meet cute from the Netherlands. Oh, hi,
furry friends, and that says rip this. I'm a newlywed
(27:02):
to the show. My best friend introduced me to you guys,
and boy, I had no clue. I secretly was a
murdering Now thanks dude, So now I'm binging with regular
laugh outbursts.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Thanks nice? No sorry? Did they refer to themselves as
a newlywed to the show?
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Yeah, so we're all married to someone in the Netherlands.
Exciting we are In the last minisode you asked for
meat cute stories or and then it says, e A
t meet cute.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Maybe I'm missing some USA slaying as.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
A duchy butchers and us, Oh your.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Meat meat cutes? Have you been slicing? Slicing a side
of beef? And I someone cute walks up.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Okay, many years ago, I was knocked off by a
horse while riding on my own in the woods. I
broke my ankle badly and couldn't walk or get to
my horse. First, I yes, it was the time of
flip phones. Thank god, the owner of the horse, then
my mom, then my dad, But for some reason, everyone
had something better to do than respond to my calls.
(28:12):
The next person on my mind was my ex boyfriend,
who I walked a dog with in that same area
a week before.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
He would know where I was and find me.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
He answered the phone, and when I said, Hi, I'm
knocked off the horse. I think I broke my ankle
and now someone needs to come and help me, he said,
have you called nine one one?
Speaker 2 (28:30):
And then it says the Dutch version of it.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
I laughed because I just thought somebody had to come
get me, and I didn't even I hadn't even thought
about paramedics, even though my foot was standing at a
ninety degree angle to my leg. Yeah, I said, I
blame adrenaline. Oh, that's sweet, sweet adrenaline. He asked where
I was, and I said, and said he would be
on his way after that. I rang nine one one,
but he beat them to it. He waited there with
(28:56):
me in the woods, keeping me calm, guided the paramedic
to me once they couldn't drive further, and join me
in the ambulance.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
To the hospital. Oh.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I had surgery and long recovery, but he visited me
almost daily to talk and laugh and just be bored
with me. Fast forward to fourteen years later, and he
still makes me laugh and is the most sweet and
awesome dad to our little boy. Oh man, sorry for
the long story. Hope it fits the criteria. Listen, Harry,
(29:26):
is no criteria anymore, and long it is stories feed
our souls.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Just a good story. Yeah, that's all we want.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
Last, but not least, thank you for normalizing psychiatric counseling.
My brother has struggled with depression and addiction for over
a decade while refusing professional help since he thought that
was embarrassing or meant he was weak. You are making
a difference. Thanks. Oh stay sexy and break a leg
finding your true love love lows, that's rad, that's you.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
I love that. I mean, you know, oft times.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
We break up with people for very good reasons, and
sometimes you get back together for very bad reason.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Amen, just something I love to do. But I love that.
That was It's almost like they went.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Through a little tests and then it was like yeah,
and then if you call someone and they're like I
thought you were gonna be like call no one one,
go bye, and instead it was like you didn't do
the thing you should do. You're calling me smart enough
to be like, let me pick up on that. Yeah,
get in there. Reliability is an amazing character trait to
find in a partner.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Dude.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
You know, it's like giving a shit. It's really key,
like truly giving a shit and.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Then like being there by your side in the hospital.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
It's just like care and reliability are beautiful things to
find in a partner and not common. Because these days
were also MEMI me totally. You're also mean, really meme
all those memes out there.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Oh so many meat narcissistic memes.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
All right, okay, okay, this is last right, and yes
this I really enjoyed reading.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
This subject line is another Alaskan, another irresponsible tree climber.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
Hello, hi friends.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
I recently listened to the minisode written by the Alaskan
who pushed her three year old brother out of the tree,
and thought of my own childhood in Alaska. I feel
that this person should have gone into greater detail about
just how weird it is to grow up in Alaska.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Nearly do not correct other people's home downs. That's one
rule we have right now. Don't fucking talk shit on
other people's owns.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
Nearly everything up here is trying to kill you in parentheses, animals, weather,
weird ass dudes, and as a result, all the kids
are half badass and half insane. For example, I used
to mountain bike down an old power line trail to
get to my friend's house about three miles away.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
One day, when I was eleven or twelve years old,
I was bombing down the trail and came across a
mama brown bear.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
With two babies.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
A normal human being would think I am about to die,
but my baby alaskanis thought, ugh, now I have to
carry my bike through the brush to get around them,
which I did. But this story isn't about bears or bikes.
It's about trees. In the nineties, my family bought ten
wild acres near Keene, Alaska, about two hours away from Anchorage.
(32:31):
We planned to eventually build a cabin, but first we
needed to create a clearing by cutting down excess trees.
My dad an ex forest ranger slash turned army ranger
slash turned doctor.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I guess I didn't need to say the slashes, sorry,
but I love slashes.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
They'd be calm as if she didn't her here, or
they didn't want you to read the slashes.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
You know, you know, just as a grammatically, you don't
meet the slashes if you're going to put the turned
in there, but you know what this is on me anyway.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
No shame, There's no shame in hometown. Okay.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
So my dad, an X forest ranger turned army ranger
turned doctor, needed help clearing said trees, so naturally he
taught his eight and ten year old daughters how to
safely cut them down with a hand saw.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Absolutely skills skills the girls.
Speaker 3 (33:22):
Needed later in life. He marked which ones needed to
go and left us to it.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Baye bye aye. Yeah, just enjoy your day.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I'm gonna go have a fucking what kind of hams?
What kind of beer do they have? Like beer do
they have in Alaska?
Speaker 2 (33:36):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (33:36):
I bet they have plenty of hams up there, I think,
so hopefully a nice keystone.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
Being slightly badassd but mostly insane, we eventually got bored
of cutting the trees down and.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Decided to create a game. Oh what is the game?
You ask? Well, it went like this.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Together, we'd start sawing a wedge into the tree, and
once it was quote unquote just right, one of us
would climb up and find a secure spot to hang
on the other would then saw the rest of the
tree all caps.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
So the person in the tree could ride it down
as it fell.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I want to cry, I want to cry and cry.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
Oh this was that lowed to like?
Speaker 1 (34:18):
This was a parent sanctioned move, Yes, by by that
dad being like, good luck with your logging eight and
ten year old child.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Yeah, here's five minutes of showing you how. Yes, yeah, okay.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Eventually, having heard our shrills of excitement, my dad puttered
back over and asked what we were doing. We explained,
and he looked up at me in the tree eight
years old, my sister holding the saw, ten years old,
and said, make sure you only ride the ones that.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Are marked and walked away.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Oh, this, ladies and gentlemen, is an Alaskan childhood. Oh
you'll be pleased to know that my sister and I
both grew up in are fully functioning human being. Are
you sure?
Speaker 3 (35:03):
I live in the Pacific Northwest now, and although I'm
in my thirties, if I see a good climbing tree,
and there are many, I'll climb it. You can take
the girl out of Alaska, but you can't take the
Alaska out of the girl. Stay sexy and only ride
the trees that are marked.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
Rachel, that's a beautiful metaphor for life, you know, like
have fun, be wild, but you know, keep a safe
distance from unmarked trees.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Yeah, do your research almost like, you know, to make
sure you know exactly what the shape of what you're
trying to aim toward is. Yeah, don't just do it wherever.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
We need your wilderness childhood stories, please, we need them.
We want them. My brother hike to ten hike to
the bottom of the Grand Canyon, didn't come home to
camp the campground until three in the morning. I wrote
about it in our book Jay Saxy and Don't Get Murdered?
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Is it out?
Speaker 3 (35:55):
I thought you were talking about no May eleventh. I
thought you were talking about that episode of The Brady Bunch.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
Oh maybe as did that happened to you? Are you
remembering old Brady? Bye child?
Speaker 1 (36:09):
My childhood has forgotten? Then I put in Brady Bunch
in Wonder Years. You remember when remember my friend's brother
went to Vietnam.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
That was Yes, it was so sad.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
And then remember when he was also slightly younger and
in the Princess Bride.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Oh we love him. Oh Fred Savage, Savage, what a
good hearted person.
Speaker 1 (36:27):
Okay, if you want one more story, each and then
a few back episodes of that too. You can join
the fan cult. We do many minisodes fan cult stories only.
Thanks for listening, and stay sexy and don't get murdered.
Speaker 2 (36:40):
Goodbye, Elvis. Do you want a cookie?
Hosts And Creators
Georgia Hardstark
Karen Kilgariff
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Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.