December 23, 2024 • 24 mins
This week’s hometowns include trying to enjoy a picnic and hanging out at a mall in the ‘80s.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Hello, Hello, I'm welcome to my favorite murder, the minisod.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Here it is, I'll que and Minnie.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
You want to go first?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Sure, I'm not going to tell you the name of
this one, all right, hey, team. My husband and I
bought our very first house in the middle of covid
Lockdown just over four years ago. Now we had a
three year old and a new baby, and despite these
amazing milestones in our lives, it was a strange time
to be alive. One thing that made life slightly less
(00:46):
cabin fevery was the park behind our house. By park,
I mean biggish rocky hill, at the top of which
is a beautiful gary oak meadow. Gary oaks are gnarly,
scraggly tim Burton trees, but the creepy factor is offset
by the wildflowers that grow between them, crocuses, daffodils, fawn
lily and camas. Pretty spectacular stuff. One day, my husband
(01:10):
and I had a rare opportunity to go out alone together.
Seizing the moment, we got takeout Vietnamese subs and avoiding
the plague, we took them to the summit of our hill.
It was a gorgeous spring day. The creepy trees were creeping,
and crocuses were in full bloom. We walked past the
gathering of fifteen people or so weird to see so
(01:31):
many people in one spot in those days, who were
perched in a circle at the top of a small
cliff overlooking the city. They had a bunch of acoustic guitars,
so we veered hard to the left, not thinking much
about it except that we wanted some alone time. Unsullied
by tragic covers of Imagine and Hallelujah, we headed down
(01:51):
to a nice lookout spot nestled under the cliff, sort
of semi private. We tucked into our bond Me so
delicious and we're really feeling pretty happy. The guitars had
started up, but the view is nice, so we didn't
mind until black stuff started sprinkling down from the sky
all around us.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Uh oh.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
We looked up, confused to the cliff above. It took
us a second before we realized that the gathering was
a COVID friendly funeral.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
And they were shaking someone's crimines onto our picnic. Can
you evenly.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Imagine onto our beautiful bond Me sandwiches and like during covidho.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
We got up and ran quietly and respectfully and very
fucking fast, directly all the way home and into the shower.
Worst of all, we had to throw out those delicious subs.
And I mean, you know, Vietnamese subs are everything, with
that soft white loaf and all that cilantro and mayo
and green chilies. Sorry, writing while hungry, needless to say,
(03:00):
date night was cut short, yea, but like just this
desperate grab for one moment together alone.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
And what you get is a dead body sprinkled on
top of you.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
In any case, I first heard your lovely voices around
the same time as the Ruined picnic, and binging the
episodes in reverse order was another tool I used to
keep saying during pandemic times, I am a midwife with
a medical degree and not a whiff of patuli about me,
And I remember at the time having to attend prenatal
clinic visits, berths and home visits in swimming goggles and
(03:33):
homemade trash bag gowns as there was a shortage on
ppe on our island and nothing left for us to
use to protect ourselves. So scary, yeah, says what a
fucking time. Yeah, you kept me afloat and have kept
me company through so many of life's twists and turns
in the years that have followed. I am grateful, take
(03:53):
good care, stay sexy, and don't have a picnic at
a funeral, Megan. And then it says just Meg and
spelled weird. Because it was spelled weird.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
She her, Megan, that's a story for the ages.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
I mean, that's an anecdote that you're going to be
able to pull out at any dinner party when people
are like trading great stories back and forth, they're like, okay, well,
everybody sit down, because it's my time to shine.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Definitely, this is going to be her grandchildren are going
to write in this hometown to whoever is hosting my
favorite murderer in fucking twenty five years from now, good lord,
and be like, that was my Grandmaden spelled weird was
my grandma.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
My mom was pregnant with me during that story, which
it had cremaine sprinkled on her.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Oh god, oh shit. Okay, amazing kickoff. I think I
have a good follow up here.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
Okay, I won't read you the subject line and the
opening is my favorite people. Oh I'm currently at work
listening to Minnesode four oh one, which is listener Catherine's
story of being a ten year old bartender. I can't
top that, but I remembered my experience as a reception
for my school district for one morning at eleven years old.
(05:04):
All right, it would have been a totally banal story
had I not received to rather unfortunate calls within the
same five minutes. So, for some brief background, my middle
school and the elementary school where my mom teaches were connected.
So when missus West, the receptionist for both schools, was
unable to cover the phone lines one morning, the quote
(05:27):
unquote logical option was for the eleven year old to
do it. As I was already in my mom's classroom
waiting for homeroom to start, I was asked to cover
the phones until ten am instead of going to my
first few classes.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
What the fuck?
Speaker 1 (05:41):
Yeah, that's a job, that's they have temp agencies so
you can call adults in to do that.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
It's a professional job where important things happen.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
It's schools and children, and like, yeah, I was like training,
that's done.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
Also, who were the other children that were up for
the job that she got it over? Them.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I just can't imagine, like leaving getting a voicemail or
leaving a message wouldn't have been more useful than an
eleven year old answering the fucking phone.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Right, you know, unless it was one of those sassy
kind of quinn commings. Eleven year old so that's kind
of like, yeah, calls their parents by their first name,
you know, no nonsense. Yeah, okay, yeah, old soul, yeah, big.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Sister kind of a thing. Yeah, I'm in charge. Okay.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So about seven thirty am I got a call from
a substitute teacher who had just gotten in a car
accident and wouldn't be able to make it in. I
remember floundering immediately, there being no protocol for how to
do any components of the job, let alone handle.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
A fairly serious issue.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
I ascertained the man was not hurt, and I let
him know that I'd pass along as message to someone literally,
anyone else.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
They handled it. Yeah, that's handling. I will let an
older person know.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Yeah, what more do you want me to do? Literally,
we can't turn back the hands of time.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Do you have insurance?
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Let's all, well, then you've done your part right, Nurse
a buzz and getting sweaty. I tried to calm myself
down in preparation for the next couple hours. Then the
phone rang again. This time the man on the other
end immediately launched into a tirade about being underpaid. I'm
a teacher there and I need more money. What are
you going to do about it?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
He demanded. Nearly in tears, I blurted out, I'm just Alyssa.
I don't even work here. I'm just Alyssa.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
Had I not been in such a state of anxiety,
I might have recognized the voice of my math teacher
calling to play a prank on me.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Fuck you a belt. Oh.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Within a few more seconds, he realized I was not
recognizing the joke and said, Alyssa, it's mister Bridger. Friends,
I think I hung up on him. To this day,
I don't remember. Thankfully, nothing bad actually happened, and I
returned to my normal sixth grade scholarly pursuits. I have
to say I very clearly remember being in sixth grade,
(08:02):
because that was when I realized, like, oh, I love
to read aloud in class.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Oh yeah, here's what I like. Here's what I like.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
So like if somebody came down, I was like you
answered the phone for the day I would have been
seventh Heaven.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
You're like, here, I am, and I'm going to get
the job too. Yeah, this is your new job I got.
I was also thinking about prankster teachers and what they
were like too. Oh yeah, that was that was a type.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
That was a type that no one questioned at the time. Exactly,
I don't think you can do that anymore.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I don't either. I don't think they want adults pranking
children anymore.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I think mister Bridger would have been sued to high
Heaven fucking rightfully. So, Alyssa goes on to say, but
I learned a few lessons that day, not the least
of witches. That I'm riddled with anxiety, and that you
should be wary of adults, even the ones that are
underpaid to teach and mentor you more so probably. Yeah, anyway,
(08:54):
thanks for being the source of many laughs and my
companions through some tears. Oh and what am I even
doing right now reconciling spreadsheets as a compensation analyst trying
to determine equitable pay rates for new hires at my
local university. Oh maybe mister Bridger's mild harangue was more
impactful than I thought, I says DGM Melissa, how awesome
(09:16):
is that?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Wow? Yeah, that is a good little button.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
Everything that happens to us affects us somehow.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Yeah. The butterfly effect by Alissa.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Oh my god, committing felonies for the sake of Lesbian's
sext one just starts. When I was in high school
in the late nineties, I had a girlfriend who was
a couple years.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Older than me. So fucking cool, right.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
We looked similar enough that I could pass using her
ID and then it says queer. In case the math
ain't mathing, please state it.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Loud and proud. We'd like to know.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
She ended up giving me a non driver ID so
I could buy cigarettes. We broke up shortly after I graduated,
and I held onto that ID, awaiting her upcoming twenty
first birthday. Unfortunately for me, it expired on that very day,
and with it, so did my dream of getting into
Tutsie's the lesbian bar.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Such a good name.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Well, unless there was another way. Ah, Yes, yet another
brilliant idea formulated in my underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. What if
I just renewed the expired ID? It says before I continue,
I do want to acknowledge that identity theft is a
serious and devastating crime. However, stealing her identity was never
my intent. My ex also knew about my plan and
(10:39):
was fine with it. In today's world, that sounds crazy,
but this was just at a time that most people
didn't think about protecting their identity.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Disclaimer quarterback member FDIC.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Clearly, identity protection was not a top priority for the
DMV either.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
At that time.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
In my state, they didn't require you to bring a
birth certificate, provide your Social Security number, or proof of residency,
which is hilarious because I'm trying to get like my
new driver's license and I can't bring enough paperwork to
prove who I am in even though I already have
a legit driver's license. Yeah, Like, they do not believe
me because my middle name is in some stuff and
(11:14):
not in others.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Right, what the fuck? They're like?
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Can you bring in three gas bills? And it's like, no,
I think, what are you talking about. I don't get
paper gas bills anymore.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Right? Can you bring people that you knew in elementary school?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
No?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
I'm not friends with them anymore?
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Like, can you bring in your own soul in a jar, right,
prove that you're human, being.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Your inner child, please, and it says a vague resemblance
to the expired ID was literally the only identification I
needed to renew it. What a contrast from today's DMB experience.
Within amount of twenty minutes, I had my photo taken,
paid ten dollars, and was handed back the expired ID
along with a brand new non driver identification card with
(11:56):
my photo. It says, yes, gen Z they used to
print them on location, and yes, I went to tutsis
a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Hell yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
But just a few months later, I was leaving a
liquor store vodka in hand, and an undercover officer approached me.
He said I looked young and wanted to scan my ID.
No problem, right, after all, it was valid and it
was my photo. Except there was a problem. Apparently my
ex had a warrant for her arrest and shit, it
(12:29):
was something trivial like unpaid parking tickets. I momentary contemplated
going to jail as her. I was like, how bad
she wanted to keep that fucking idea?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Yeah? Really?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Thankfully I came my senses and informed the officer that
it wasn't my ID and handed over mine. He stood
there looking at both IDs, obviously confused at how much
we quote looked alike. In the end, I received a
couple tickets and he confiscated the ID. Tutsu was so
short lived. Unless I'm not even fucking joking, I went
(13:00):
and renewed the original expired ID again.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Fucking diabolical teenager. I love it.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Cannot be kept away from Totsi's in any way, shape
or form.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Tutsis must have been epic, but I mean like.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Any bar when you're that age, it's like any bar,
of course, But then if you live in a town,
if you're a queer person, you live in a town
where it's like, oh no, we'll all be meeting here,
right and on the.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Nineties, Yeah, yes, fucking you must. Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
I only had one other incidant using it. I was
unknowingly carded at a liquor store by my ex's ex.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
She took one look at the name.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Which wasn't common, and birth date and immediately knew something
was weird. Her coworker got involved, and since the photo
was actually me, he handed it back and let me leave.
I was so confused, but soon after I got a
call from my ex explaining that it was her ex
that had just carded in. In my late teens and
early twenties, I was wild and impulsive, which quickly became
reckless and dangerous. Thankfully, my friends and family never gave
(14:00):
up on me and carried me to the other side.
I am now eighteen years sober.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Wow, congratulations.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
This podcast reminds me that while my struggles and trauma
may be unique to me, they are not unique to
the human experience. That sentiment helps me find gratitude, have
more compassion, and be accountable. Wowuck, that's a lot to
get from.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
These two gals, from this bullshit, I'll take it. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Really, MTHM is a safe place for so many. Thank
you for its creation. Keep sharing stories and their truth
and as always, stay sexy and don't grow up too fast. Also,
don't commit felonies.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Bridget she bridget brilliant, beautiful, right on target for what
we're looking for for a story of any kind exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Oh damn, it's so funny. Yeah that was great. Okay
this one.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
The subject line is Glory Days the Mall and it says, Hi, there.
I just listened to episode four forty seven up until
Karen got to the utter tragedy that occurred at the
sun Volley Mall.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It made me very.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Nostalgic for my mall rat days. Picture it des Moines, Iowa,
nineteen eighty five. I'm eleven years old and frequently skulk
around the mall in my parachute pants, striped, untucked Oxford
and knit tie that keenly accentuated my amazing mullet and
feathered banks.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Ooh, I have in.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Place top tier. For some reason, they decided to open
a water slide in the mall called the hydro Tube.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Indoor, a water slide in the middle of a mall
in Des Moines.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
In Des Moines, it says I personally never went on
the water slide, and then in parentheses, I had far
more pressing things to spend my money on, such as cigarettes,
French fries, and shitty earrings from Claires that always caused
infections in my delicate lobes. It says the hydro Tube
didn't last long. It closed only six months after opening.
There remained rumors and urban legends that somebody died in
(15:59):
the slide, but I think it really closed because one
a water slide in a mall in Iowa is a
dumb idea, and two the maintenance was unwieldy.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Oh the black mold, my god.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
And also like if it was nineteen eighty five, there's
a chance that it's like action park style water slide
where maybe the dip was too steep.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
You know what I mean, like you just go crashing
into like precious, the Precious Moment store.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Something I went on to work at Things remembered, that's right,
the kiosk in the mall between tom the Canshoes and
pet World, famous for engraved id bracelets and door knockers.
And that was in the nineties, by then having ditched
my mullet for massive aquanetted bangs and replaced my parachute
pants with Rayon hammer pants. And then it just says,
(16:49):
the kids today will.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Just never know. No, I had hammer pants.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
You did, absolutely had ham like straight up, you know,
like elastic waste hammer pants.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
And could you do the town. I tried real hard
out on the playground. That's right.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
It's as the kids today, we'll just never know. Leoni Wow, Yes,
Simon Place. Oh sorry, there's a ps PS. I grew
up with a dog named Cookie. In fact, most of
our pets were named after snacks.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
I love that. I know that was names for animals
is great?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Yeah and necessary, so necessary, noodle, What else is there?
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Our first dog was named Pepsi. Pepsi's perfect, Pepsi's perfect,
Pepsi's perfect.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
And that's why I picked Blossom when I was looking
on the dog rescue website, because she looked she had
the same vibe as Pepsi. She had like a white
wire hair terry or mutt, and we brought her back.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Sweet, I know, Blossom.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Oh blassom an angel. My last one's called children violence
against Mascots. Hello, gals and pals. Once again attempting to
share a story I think would be worthy of a minisode.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Hey, you were right.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
As this story does me, it hopefully will make you
giggle at the misfortune of my brother as a teenager.
He obtained and lost many jobs in ways only a
stoner teenager could. But there was one job he actually quit.
He was a bear mascot at an indoor water park
at a resort another indoor water park right in a
row psychic click.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
In why an indoor a water park needs a bear mascot?
Beyond me?
Speaker 1 (18:37):
But a perfect job for a seventeen year old to
just get high before work and walk around with no
one knowing the.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Better except its fucking summertime. But you're indoors, oh oh
thank you? Okay, great, but also claustrophobian being high. Don't
those things go hand in hand? I mean, and by
hand in hand you mean stabbing you in the neck
with one hand and poking in the eyes with another.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Exactly one day when headed out.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
One day, when headed on break, he got in the
elevator only to be joined by five roughly ten year
old boys. As soon as the door shut, the boys
all turned in unison to face him. Already fucking terrifying,
then clearly premeditated, they all pounced, taking him down in
his fucking barrier work. They all seemed to be practicing
(19:26):
as many WWE moves as possible before the doors opened again,
then proceeded to get off the floor, running away, laughing evil.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
They fucking beat up a mascot. Of course, of course.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
The insult to injury arrived when he realized, due to
the mascot head, he couldn't find the leverage to get
off of the ground. So there you lay until a
kind family boarded the elevator a short time later and
helped him up. He promptly walked his fluffy, bare ass
into the employee locker room, changed into his clothes, and
walked out, only to return for his last check. Yeah,
(20:00):
apparently being jumped by a bunch of children wasn't something
he was willing to risk for eight fifty an hour.
Fuck no, go to hell, big fan of the show,
Stay sexy and don't get beat up by children.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Page page, You're so right about all of that.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
I love sibling horror stories because it's just so much
more gleeful than your own, where you're just like, yes,
they deserved it.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
And also I feel like Paige, like you can tell
that story and tell us you can paint the full picture,
like sometimes when something happens to you, you're just like, yes,
goddamn kids. But yeah, Paige was like, let me set
the same about this indoor.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Water park in the job my brotherhod and what my
brother was like, because her brother's not going to be
like I was a braddy stoner who fucking just had
a lot of.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Jobs, exactly. He's only going to play the victim exactly.
He always fucking does. Do you have one more I do.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Okay, oh yeah, and it's a goody Okay, I'm not
going to read you the subject line, Oh okay, you
seem gleeful.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Hi. Everyone.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Hearing Megan's money booth story, he made me want to
write in about my own son's experience in the booth
at Chuck E Cheese. It's a money booth story. Hell yeah,
we love it, We need them. My child has always
been a little different in his motivations. For his sixth
or seventh birthday, we went to Chuck E Cheese and
part of being the birthday boy is a two minute
run in the wind tunnel full of tickets. His quote
(21:21):
twin and then it says in parentheses, my sister and
I had our babies two days apart, went first and
got like thirty tickets. So essentially, I guess at Chuck
E Cheese. Then there's a money booth for children, which
is instead of money, tickets to get those prizes.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Sounds like mean I could do it as an adult
Like that sounds amazing.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Hell yes.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Also, there's some sort of art installation right now in
La where there's a ballpit for adults.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Okay, I'm in and you know I've never been in
a ballpit. Remember that's right, you have to go. I know.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
Okay, So the cousin got like thirty tickets. We had
time to think up some strategies, so my partner and
I were giving him very goods.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
He was ready and excited as he entered the booth.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
The wind tunnel starts a little slowly, so my son
puts his hands out and down to the floor like
he was going to free hand grab the tickets.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
He didn't.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
He very very slowly raised his hands. Then he started
making wind noises with his mouth. Then he concentrated hard.
It was one minute and forty five seconds in that
I realized he wasn't trying to get a single ticket.
He was controlling the elements around him. The time ended
and he didn't get a single ticket. I'd never seen
(22:35):
him more fulfilled. Sometimes it's just more fun to do
what you want and not what the directions say. My
son is now fifteen and still very easily pleased. I
don't know how I got so lucky. Thanks for all
of the things, Katie.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Oh. I know, like if I could.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Be promised one like that, then maybe I would have
had kids.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
You know, yes, exactly, I don't. I wonder though, if
those ones it's just their personality comes out as is.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
There's kind of not right.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
It's not like I don't think people can control that.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
No, it's not like the wind. Yeah, he's a visionary.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
You can't be magneto and control your child's personality like
the gravity.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
Stand by and cheer them on.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah, oh love you tell us your stories about your
unique child's funny moments or something.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Or an actual money booth if you were in one.
I don't know if you've heard that. We're obsessed and
we really need those stories.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
We do.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Someday we'll have one someday. Until then, stay sexy and
don't get murdered.
Speaker 4 (23:40):
A come buy Elvis, Do you want a cookie?
Speaker 3 (23:51):
This has been an exactly right production.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck. Our editor is Aristotle Osceveda.
This episode was mixed by le on a school.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Life emailing her hometowns to My Favorite Murder at gmail
dot com.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
And follow a show on Instagram and Facebook at My
Favorite Murder.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Goodbye
Hello, Hello, I'm welcome to my favorite murder, the minisod.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Here it is, I'll que and Minnie.
Speaker 3 (00:24):
You want to go first?
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Sure, I'm not going to tell you the name of
this one, all right, hey, team. My husband and I
bought our very first house in the middle of covid
Lockdown just over four years ago. Now we had a
three year old and a new baby, and despite these
amazing milestones in our lives, it was a strange time
to be alive. One thing that made life slightly less
(00:46):
cabin fevery was the park behind our house. By park,
I mean biggish rocky hill, at the top of which
is a beautiful gary oak meadow. Gary oaks are gnarly,
scraggly tim Burton trees, but the creepy factor is offset
by the wildflowers that grow between them, crocuses, daffodils, fawn
lily and camas. Pretty spectacular stuff. One day, my husband
(01:10):
and I had a rare opportunity to go out alone together.
Seizing the moment, we got takeout Vietnamese subs and avoiding
the plague, we took them to the summit of our hill.
It was a gorgeous spring day. The creepy trees were creeping,
and crocuses were in full bloom. We walked past the
gathering of fifteen people or so weird to see so
(01:31):
many people in one spot in those days, who were
perched in a circle at the top of a small
cliff overlooking the city. They had a bunch of acoustic guitars,
so we veered hard to the left, not thinking much
about it except that we wanted some alone time. Unsullied
by tragic covers of Imagine and Hallelujah, we headed down
(01:51):
to a nice lookout spot nestled under the cliff, sort
of semi private. We tucked into our bond Me so
delicious and we're really feeling pretty happy. The guitars had
started up, but the view is nice, so we didn't
mind until black stuff started sprinkling down from the sky
all around us.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Uh oh.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
We looked up, confused to the cliff above. It took
us a second before we realized that the gathering was
a COVID friendly funeral.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
And they were shaking someone's crimines onto our picnic. Can
you evenly.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Imagine onto our beautiful bond Me sandwiches and like during covidho.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
We got up and ran quietly and respectfully and very
fucking fast, directly all the way home and into the shower.
Worst of all, we had to throw out those delicious subs.
And I mean, you know, Vietnamese subs are everything, with
that soft white loaf and all that cilantro and mayo
and green chilies. Sorry, writing while hungry, needless to say,
(03:00):
date night was cut short, yea, but like just this
desperate grab for one moment together alone.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
And what you get is a dead body sprinkled on
top of you.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
In any case, I first heard your lovely voices around
the same time as the Ruined picnic, and binging the
episodes in reverse order was another tool I used to
keep saying during pandemic times, I am a midwife with
a medical degree and not a whiff of patuli about me,
And I remember at the time having to attend prenatal
clinic visits, berths and home visits in swimming goggles and
(03:33):
homemade trash bag gowns as there was a shortage on
ppe on our island and nothing left for us to
use to protect ourselves. So scary, yeah, says what a
fucking time. Yeah, you kept me afloat and have kept
me company through so many of life's twists and turns
in the years that have followed. I am grateful, take
(03:53):
good care, stay sexy, and don't have a picnic at
a funeral, Megan. And then it says just Meg and
spelled weird. Because it was spelled weird.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
She her, Megan, that's a story for the ages.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
I mean, that's an anecdote that you're going to be
able to pull out at any dinner party when people
are like trading great stories back and forth, they're like, okay, well,
everybody sit down, because it's my time to shine.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Definitely, this is going to be her grandchildren are going
to write in this hometown to whoever is hosting my
favorite murderer in fucking twenty five years from now, good lord,
and be like, that was my Grandmaden spelled weird was
my grandma.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
My mom was pregnant with me during that story, which
it had cremaine sprinkled on her.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Oh god, oh shit. Okay, amazing kickoff. I think I
have a good follow up here.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
Okay, I won't read you the subject line and the
opening is my favorite people. Oh I'm currently at work
listening to Minnesode four oh one, which is listener Catherine's
story of being a ten year old bartender. I can't
top that, but I remembered my experience as a reception
for my school district for one morning at eleven years old.
(05:04):
All right, it would have been a totally banal story
had I not received to rather unfortunate calls within the
same five minutes. So, for some brief background, my middle
school and the elementary school where my mom teaches were connected.
So when missus West, the receptionist for both schools, was
unable to cover the phone lines one morning, the quote
(05:27):
unquote logical option was for the eleven year old to
do it. As I was already in my mom's classroom
waiting for homeroom to start, I was asked to cover
the phones until ten am instead of going to my
first few classes.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
What the fuck?
Speaker 1 (05:41):
Yeah, that's a job, that's they have temp agencies so
you can call adults in to do that.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
It's a professional job where important things happen.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
It's schools and children, and like, yeah, I was like training,
that's done.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
Also, who were the other children that were up for
the job that she got it over? Them.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I just can't imagine, like leaving getting a voicemail or
leaving a message wouldn't have been more useful than an
eleven year old answering the fucking phone.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Right, you know, unless it was one of those sassy
kind of quinn commings. Eleven year old so that's kind
of like, yeah, calls their parents by their first name,
you know, no nonsense. Yeah, okay, yeah, old soul, yeah, big.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Sister kind of a thing. Yeah, I'm in charge. Okay.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So about seven thirty am I got a call from
a substitute teacher who had just gotten in a car
accident and wouldn't be able to make it in. I
remember floundering immediately, there being no protocol for how to
do any components of the job, let alone handle.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
A fairly serious issue.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
I ascertained the man was not hurt, and I let
him know that I'd pass along as message to someone literally,
anyone else.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
They handled it. Yeah, that's handling. I will let an
older person know.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Yeah, what more do you want me to do? Literally,
we can't turn back the hands of time.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Do you have insurance?
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Let's all, well, then you've done your part right, Nurse
a buzz and getting sweaty. I tried to calm myself
down in preparation for the next couple hours. Then the
phone rang again. This time the man on the other
end immediately launched into a tirade about being underpaid. I'm
a teacher there and I need more money. What are
you going to do about it?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
He demanded. Nearly in tears, I blurted out, I'm just Alyssa.
I don't even work here. I'm just Alyssa.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
Had I not been in such a state of anxiety,
I might have recognized the voice of my math teacher
calling to play a prank on me.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Fuck you a belt. Oh.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Within a few more seconds, he realized I was not
recognizing the joke and said, Alyssa, it's mister Bridger. Friends,
I think I hung up on him. To this day,
I don't remember. Thankfully, nothing bad actually happened, and I
returned to my normal sixth grade scholarly pursuits. I have
to say I very clearly remember being in sixth grade,
(08:02):
because that was when I realized, like, oh, I love
to read aloud in class.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Oh yeah, here's what I like. Here's what I like.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
So like if somebody came down, I was like you
answered the phone for the day I would have been
seventh Heaven.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
You're like, here, I am, and I'm going to get
the job too. Yeah, this is your new job I got.
I was also thinking about prankster teachers and what they
were like too. Oh yeah, that was that was a type.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
That was a type that no one questioned at the time. Exactly,
I don't think you can do that anymore.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I don't either. I don't think they want adults pranking
children anymore.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I think mister Bridger would have been sued to high
Heaven fucking rightfully. So, Alyssa goes on to say, but
I learned a few lessons that day, not the least
of witches. That I'm riddled with anxiety, and that you
should be wary of adults, even the ones that are
underpaid to teach and mentor you more so probably. Yeah, anyway,
(08:54):
thanks for being the source of many laughs and my
companions through some tears. Oh and what am I even
doing right now reconciling spreadsheets as a compensation analyst trying
to determine equitable pay rates for new hires at my
local university. Oh maybe mister Bridger's mild harangue was more
impactful than I thought, I says DGM Melissa, how awesome
(09:16):
is that?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Wow? Yeah, that is a good little button.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
Everything that happens to us affects us somehow.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Yeah. The butterfly effect by Alissa.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Oh my god, committing felonies for the sake of Lesbian's
sext one just starts. When I was in high school
in the late nineties, I had a girlfriend who was
a couple years.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Older than me. So fucking cool, right.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
We looked similar enough that I could pass using her
ID and then it says queer. In case the math
ain't mathing, please state it.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Loud and proud. We'd like to know.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
She ended up giving me a non driver ID so
I could buy cigarettes. We broke up shortly after I graduated,
and I held onto that ID, awaiting her upcoming twenty
first birthday. Unfortunately for me, it expired on that very day,
and with it, so did my dream of getting into
Tutsie's the lesbian bar.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Such a good name.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Well, unless there was another way. Ah, Yes, yet another
brilliant idea formulated in my underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. What if
I just renewed the expired ID? It says before I continue,
I do want to acknowledge that identity theft is a
serious and devastating crime. However, stealing her identity was never
my intent. My ex also knew about my plan and
(10:39):
was fine with it. In today's world, that sounds crazy,
but this was just at a time that most people
didn't think about protecting their identity.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Disclaimer quarterback member FDIC.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Clearly, identity protection was not a top priority for the
DMV either.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
At that time.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
In my state, they didn't require you to bring a
birth certificate, provide your Social Security number, or proof of residency,
which is hilarious because I'm trying to get like my
new driver's license and I can't bring enough paperwork to
prove who I am in even though I already have
a legit driver's license. Yeah, Like, they do not believe
me because my middle name is in some stuff and
(11:14):
not in others.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Right, what the fuck? They're like?
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Can you bring in three gas bills? And it's like, no,
I think, what are you talking about. I don't get
paper gas bills anymore.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Right? Can you bring people that you knew in elementary school?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
No?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
I'm not friends with them anymore?
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Like, can you bring in your own soul in a jar, right,
prove that you're human, being.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Your inner child, please, and it says a vague resemblance
to the expired ID was literally the only identification I
needed to renew it. What a contrast from today's DMB experience.
Within amount of twenty minutes, I had my photo taken,
paid ten dollars, and was handed back the expired ID
along with a brand new non driver identification card with
(11:56):
my photo. It says, yes, gen Z they used to
print them on location, and yes, I went to tutsis
a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Hell yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
But just a few months later, I was leaving a
liquor store vodka in hand, and an undercover officer approached me.
He said I looked young and wanted to scan my ID.
No problem, right, after all, it was valid and it
was my photo. Except there was a problem. Apparently my
ex had a warrant for her arrest and shit, it
(12:29):
was something trivial like unpaid parking tickets. I momentary contemplated
going to jail as her. I was like, how bad
she wanted to keep that fucking idea?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Yeah? Really?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Thankfully I came my senses and informed the officer that
it wasn't my ID and handed over mine. He stood
there looking at both IDs, obviously confused at how much
we quote looked alike. In the end, I received a
couple tickets and he confiscated the ID. Tutsu was so
short lived. Unless I'm not even fucking joking, I went
(13:00):
and renewed the original expired ID again.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Fucking diabolical teenager. I love it.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Cannot be kept away from Totsi's in any way, shape
or form.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Tutsis must have been epic, but I mean like.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Any bar when you're that age, it's like any bar,
of course, But then if you live in a town,
if you're a queer person, you live in a town
where it's like, oh no, we'll all be meeting here,
right and on the.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Nineties, Yeah, yes, fucking you must. Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
I only had one other incidant using it. I was
unknowingly carded at a liquor store by my ex's ex.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
She took one look at the name.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Which wasn't common, and birth date and immediately knew something
was weird. Her coworker got involved, and since the photo
was actually me, he handed it back and let me leave.
I was so confused, but soon after I got a
call from my ex explaining that it was her ex
that had just carded in. In my late teens and
early twenties, I was wild and impulsive, which quickly became
reckless and dangerous. Thankfully, my friends and family never gave
(14:00):
up on me and carried me to the other side.
I am now eighteen years sober.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Wow, congratulations.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
This podcast reminds me that while my struggles and trauma
may be unique to me, they are not unique to
the human experience. That sentiment helps me find gratitude, have
more compassion, and be accountable. Wowuck, that's a lot to
get from.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
These two gals, from this bullshit, I'll take it. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Really, MTHM is a safe place for so many. Thank
you for its creation. Keep sharing stories and their truth
and as always, stay sexy and don't grow up too fast. Also,
don't commit felonies.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
Bridget she bridget brilliant, beautiful, right on target for what
we're looking for for a story of any kind exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Oh damn, it's so funny. Yeah that was great. Okay
this one.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
The subject line is Glory Days the Mall and it says, Hi, there.
I just listened to episode four forty seven up until
Karen got to the utter tragedy that occurred at the
sun Volley Mall.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It made me very.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Nostalgic for my mall rat days. Picture it des Moines, Iowa,
nineteen eighty five. I'm eleven years old and frequently skulk
around the mall in my parachute pants, striped, untucked Oxford
and knit tie that keenly accentuated my amazing mullet and
feathered banks.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Ooh, I have in.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Place top tier. For some reason, they decided to open
a water slide in the mall called the hydro Tube.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Indoor, a water slide in the middle of a mall
in Des Moines.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
In Des Moines, it says I personally never went on
the water slide, and then in parentheses, I had far
more pressing things to spend my money on, such as cigarettes,
French fries, and shitty earrings from Claires that always caused
infections in my delicate lobes. It says the hydro Tube
didn't last long. It closed only six months after opening.
There remained rumors and urban legends that somebody died in
(15:59):
the slide, but I think it really closed because one
a water slide in a mall in Iowa is a
dumb idea, and two the maintenance was unwieldy.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Oh the black mold, my god.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
And also like if it was nineteen eighty five, there's
a chance that it's like action park style water slide
where maybe the dip was too steep.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
You know what I mean, like you just go crashing
into like precious, the Precious Moment store.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Something I went on to work at Things remembered, that's right,
the kiosk in the mall between tom the Canshoes and
pet World, famous for engraved id bracelets and door knockers.
And that was in the nineties, by then having ditched
my mullet for massive aquanetted bangs and replaced my parachute
pants with Rayon hammer pants. And then it just says,
(16:49):
the kids today will.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Just never know. No, I had hammer pants.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
You did, absolutely had ham like straight up, you know,
like elastic waste hammer pants.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
And could you do the town. I tried real hard
out on the playground. That's right.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
It's as the kids today, we'll just never know. Leoni Wow, Yes,
Simon Place. Oh sorry, there's a ps PS. I grew
up with a dog named Cookie. In fact, most of
our pets were named after snacks.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
I love that. I know that was names for animals
is great?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Yeah and necessary, so necessary, noodle, What else is there?
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Our first dog was named Pepsi. Pepsi's perfect, Pepsi's perfect,
Pepsi's perfect.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
And that's why I picked Blossom when I was looking
on the dog rescue website, because she looked she had
the same vibe as Pepsi. She had like a white
wire hair terry or mutt, and we brought her back.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Sweet, I know, Blossom.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Oh blassom an angel. My last one's called children violence
against Mascots. Hello, gals and pals. Once again attempting to
share a story I think would be worthy of a minisode.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Hey, you were right.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
As this story does me, it hopefully will make you
giggle at the misfortune of my brother as a teenager.
He obtained and lost many jobs in ways only a
stoner teenager could. But there was one job he actually quit.
He was a bear mascot at an indoor water park
at a resort another indoor water park right in a
row psychic click.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
In why an indoor a water park needs a bear mascot?
Beyond me?
Speaker 1 (18:37):
But a perfect job for a seventeen year old to
just get high before work and walk around with no
one knowing the.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Better except its fucking summertime. But you're indoors, oh oh
thank you? Okay, great, but also claustrophobian being high. Don't
those things go hand in hand? I mean, and by
hand in hand you mean stabbing you in the neck
with one hand and poking in the eyes with another.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Exactly one day when headed out.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
One day, when headed on break, he got in the
elevator only to be joined by five roughly ten year
old boys. As soon as the door shut, the boys
all turned in unison to face him. Already fucking terrifying,
then clearly premeditated, they all pounced, taking him down in
his fucking barrier work. They all seemed to be practicing
(19:26):
as many WWE moves as possible before the doors opened again,
then proceeded to get off the floor, running away, laughing evil.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
They fucking beat up a mascot. Of course, of course.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
The insult to injury arrived when he realized, due to
the mascot head, he couldn't find the leverage to get
off of the ground. So there you lay until a
kind family boarded the elevator a short time later and
helped him up. He promptly walked his fluffy, bare ass
into the employee locker room, changed into his clothes, and
walked out, only to return for his last check. Yeah,
(20:00):
apparently being jumped by a bunch of children wasn't something
he was willing to risk for eight fifty an hour.
Fuck no, go to hell, big fan of the show,
Stay sexy and don't get beat up by children.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Page page, You're so right about all of that.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
I love sibling horror stories because it's just so much
more gleeful than your own, where you're just like, yes,
they deserved it.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
And also I feel like Paige, like you can tell
that story and tell us you can paint the full picture,
like sometimes when something happens to you, you're just like, yes,
goddamn kids. But yeah, Paige was like, let me set
the same about this indoor.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Water park in the job my brotherhod and what my
brother was like, because her brother's not going to be
like I was a braddy stoner who fucking just had
a lot of.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Jobs, exactly. He's only going to play the victim exactly.
He always fucking does. Do you have one more I do.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Okay, oh yeah, and it's a goody Okay, I'm not
going to read you the subject line, Oh okay, you
seem gleeful.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Hi. Everyone.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Hearing Megan's money booth story, he made me want to
write in about my own son's experience in the booth
at Chuck E Cheese. It's a money booth story. Hell yeah,
we love it, We need them. My child has always
been a little different in his motivations. For his sixth
or seventh birthday, we went to Chuck E Cheese and
part of being the birthday boy is a two minute
run in the wind tunnel full of tickets. His quote
(21:21):
twin and then it says in parentheses, my sister and
I had our babies two days apart, went first and
got like thirty tickets. So essentially, I guess at Chuck
E Cheese. Then there's a money booth for children, which
is instead of money, tickets to get those prizes.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Sounds like mean I could do it as an adult
Like that sounds amazing.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Hell yes.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Also, there's some sort of art installation right now in
La where there's a ballpit for adults.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Okay, I'm in and you know I've never been in
a ballpit. Remember that's right, you have to go. I know.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
Okay, So the cousin got like thirty tickets. We had
time to think up some strategies, so my partner and
I were giving him very goods.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
He was ready and excited as he entered the booth.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
The wind tunnel starts a little slowly, so my son
puts his hands out and down to the floor like
he was going to free hand grab the tickets.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
He didn't.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
He very very slowly raised his hands. Then he started
making wind noises with his mouth. Then he concentrated hard.
It was one minute and forty five seconds in that
I realized he wasn't trying to get a single ticket.
He was controlling the elements around him. The time ended
and he didn't get a single ticket. I'd never seen
(22:35):
him more fulfilled. Sometimes it's just more fun to do
what you want and not what the directions say. My
son is now fifteen and still very easily pleased. I
don't know how I got so lucky. Thanks for all
of the things, Katie.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Oh. I know, like if I could.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Be promised one like that, then maybe I would have
had kids.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
You know, yes, exactly, I don't. I wonder though, if
those ones it's just their personality comes out as is.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
There's kind of not right.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
It's not like I don't think people can control that.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
No, it's not like the wind. Yeah, he's a visionary.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
You can't be magneto and control your child's personality like
the gravity.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
Stand by and cheer them on.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah, oh love you tell us your stories about your
unique child's funny moments or something.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Or an actual money booth if you were in one.
I don't know if you've heard that. We're obsessed and
we really need those stories.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
We do.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Someday we'll have one someday. Until then, stay sexy and
don't get murdered.
Speaker 4 (23:40):
A come buy Elvis, Do you want a cookie?
Speaker 3 (23:51):
This has been an exactly right production.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck. Our editor is Aristotle Osceveda.
This episode was mixed by le on a school.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Life emailing her hometowns to My Favorite Murder at gmail
dot com.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
And follow a show on Instagram and Facebook at My
Favorite Murder.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Goodbye
Hosts And Creators
Georgia Hardstark
Karen Kilgariff
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