May 3, 2022 • 56 mins
Does Black, in fact, not crack? Langston and his guest Nicole Byer (Nailed It! on Netflix) do their best to piece together the truth on this timeless rhyme.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
I mean, I often like to think about what you
like in that audience, and I know full well open
will be like, look under your chair, and I would
look to the person to the left and be like,
let's under there. Let's do it, because I was like, oh,
what is she doing? I just it's very hard for
you to concert on anything. It's like, does Oprah have
something under her chair? I love that. I love the
(00:27):
idea that she gave everybody a car or whatever the
funk was under the chair, but then she also put
one under her chair for herself. She's like, I have
a card. I bet you got a billion dollars. We
hit it. You got a car, chips in your quality
(00:53):
bears are racists? Money term stuff can't tell me? Yeah, yeah,
there it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome
to another sensational episode of My Mama Told Me, the
(01:17):
podcast where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of
black conspiracy theories and we finally work to prove that
Dwayne the Rock Johnson is too damn buff to wipe
himself thoroughly. You think the man is a Republican because
of financial reasons, No, he needs a slave to wipe
his butt now because his muscles get in the way
(01:39):
of a thorough wiping. That's the theory I'm spreading. That's
some ship I actually believe. Yeah, I don't think you
can reach back there anymore. I'm passionate about this subject.
Don't bother voting. Look more into Dwayne's muscles and everything
that's blocking him from wiping himself. I'm your host, likes
think Kerman. I'm coming in hot today. Baby, I'm feeling good.
(02:01):
You know why, because my guest today she's wonderful. She's hilarious.
You've seen her on Netflix, You've seen her on Nailick.
She's so much fun. I'm so happy she's here. Give
it up from my guest ms. Nicole Buyer. Oh my god,
that made me so happy. I haven't heard it in
(02:24):
a while. Yeah, you gotta let that sink in for
a second. I really like that conspiracy theory that the
rock can't wipe. I believe that. I think he might
have a muddy butt because he's got too many muscles.
Too money muscles leaves you with a muddy butt. That's
(02:44):
something my groom used to say all the time. Baby,
don't get too strong, you're gonna have a muddy but baby,
I don't know when my grandmother became from the South,
but she did that from the South. That's a fair
guess that there's there's sort of a history there that
(03:04):
leads us to believe that's a real possibility for most
of us. I'm excited you're here. We have I would
say you came to us with a conspiracy theory that
is almost ubiquitous. It's everywhere, it's everybody saying it, everybody
knows it. It's maybe one of the most popular conspiracy
theories out in the world. You said, my mama told
(03:26):
me black don't crack. M black don't crack, that you'll
be the same age for forever. And then you see
it out in the world, you know, like Gabriel Union.
I think she's older than we all think. She looks beautiful.
(03:48):
That lady is gorgeous, stunning. Yes, like okay, So here's
what I think. I think the conspiracy only really goes
for women because sometimes black man loving this. This turned
on me very quickly, but go on, you finish your idea.
I feel like maybe black men do age just a
(04:08):
little slower, but it's black women who really don't age. Sure, Okay,
I and I will say that there's a fair amount
of evidence that what you're saying is probably has at
least it's some legitimacy. Morgan Freeman is doing worse since
this elite tyson, you know what I mean. Like it's
there's a noticeable difference than the way that they're the
(04:31):
two are aging, and I honestly think it might be
because women just take care of their skin better in general.
But yeah, and maybe like women, I don't know. I
don't want to say like men are worse than women,
but maybe that's a pretty controversial statement at these times.
(04:51):
On somebody and you know, you're just waiting at home
at night for someone to come home, says, let's wrinkled,
you stay a little tall. If you're just sitting there
in a boiling rage at the way that someone's treating you,
that's fair. Let's start from the beginning, Black don't Crack.
Let's really get into the history of black don't crack
(05:11):
for you. Where do you feel like you first heard
black don't crack? Somebody say it did? Was was it
a family member? It was a family member, And I'm
pretty sure the first time I heard it was one
of my cousins at like Thanksgiving said something about her
getting older, but she was like, but I still looked
the same in the day. And then another cousin was like,
(05:32):
black don't crack, and I was like, okay, black don't crack.
And now that's a thing in my vocabulary that I
say now yeah, yeah, yeah. So this cousin is like
basically trying to reassure herself, like, now I still got it,
and a catchphrase was now thrown into the ether than
you otherwise had not heard. When you heard it, you
(05:52):
were you immediately like, yes, that is fact or did
you have to like go through your head and be like,
I don't know if that's true. I guess I just
the thing that I do is when new information hits
I go, okay, that's the thing now and that's true.
And then wait, wait, I'm sorry because I don't want
(06:15):
to just skip past that you're saying. When new information
is presented to you, you go, yes, absolutely, that is
a fact, and then you move forward. Yeah, it's a
bad habit. And now with the Internet, I have to
like stop myself because I love reposting things, So now
stop myself and like look it up. Nicole just because
(06:35):
like he read it doesn't mean it's true. It's a problem,
but you are literally what they're afraid of with like
these Russian hackers. I'm fully fake news all these people
who like every time that they published some article where
they're like the Russians are taking over there, they're hacking
(06:56):
our elections. Part of it was like, oh, I thought
they were like hacking into like the booths, stealing vote
same and that's what I would like say to people
until I like understood it, and it was like, oh no,
they just influenced it with like Facebook ads and ship
and I was like, fuck, oh no, they've just been
private and messaging me. And uh, it turns out I've
(07:20):
been listening. I'm the one who told you, and I've
been telling everybody. I've been reading messages this new information.
I said, that's what it is. Sure does that then
make you nervous that black does in fact crack and
you've just been spreading it across the country. Is this
what you're gonna tell me that black does crack? I'm
not gonna tell you anything of the sort. I'm listen.
(07:42):
I've got a little stock in this game too, But
all I'm saying is is that it's making me nervous
that we're somehow aligning, and you've refused to do any research. Listen,
sometimes it's so you do the research, you were wrong,
or you do the research and you were right. If
you skip three search, you could just be right. You
could just be right the whole time. And that's that's science,
(08:06):
and that's America. That's America. That's that's that good American science.
Are there are there members of your family that you
feel like you could point to and go this is
evidence of of this conspiracy theory being true? Are people
in your inner circle if you will. Yeah, my sister specifically,
(08:29):
she is older than me. I'm like thirty five or
thirty six seven. She's she was born in eighty five.
I'm terrible at math and remembering. But she truly looks
like she's a teenager. And she works in a school
and sometimes they'll be like, hey, gets a class because
she was a sub for a little bit, and she's like,
(08:50):
you know, I'm the teacher, and they're like, what she's
like five foot to Her skin is so clear, it's
so baby smooth. And then she doesn't really wear a
lot of makeup. And then she just looks so fucking young. Yeah,
and then my others and jury she looks so young,
and she's I think in her late forties. Maybe I
don't know, but she looks like she's in her twenties,
(09:12):
maybe like mid thirties. Yeah. I I similarly. And this
isn't it necessarily evidence of black don't crack, but it
is me sympathizing with your sister that I taught high
school when I was like twenty three twenty four, and
so there was a lot of that of like security
guards like stopping me in the hallway and being like,
(09:32):
where's your pass boy, You're going to the office, And
I'm like, sir, I pay taxes, Please don't do this,
Please cut this out. And so I I sympathize with
a young looking person who well into their thirties is
still being sort of harassed by these other people who
are meant to protect them or at least keep them
(09:52):
unannoyed throughout the day. Wait where did you teach? I
taught for a year in Chicago and then for two
year is in Boston? Which one was worse? Oh See,
that's a tricky question because because then that comes down
to which kids did I like more, and some of
them probably listen to this, so they were all the
(10:15):
same pieces the ship to me. You know, I don't
want any of them to feel special, like they left
a lasting mark on my spirit. Fucking kids, that's how
I live my perfect answer. If you're listening children, fuck you.
(10:36):
I still resent you ten years later, even after I've
quit those jobs. So there's evidence in your family, there's
evidence out in the world. Black don't crack. Here's something
that I've been thinking about that I would love to
unpack with you. Do you think do you think that
this phrase has the possibility or potential of offending non
(11:01):
black counterparts? Are are non black peers? Tell me more
well not to be rude, But it seems as if
our paler friends get offended by everything, even if it
has nothing to do with them. Because the phrase black
don't crack isn't saying black don't cracking. White is crusty.
(11:25):
Probably you're sucking dust, your nasty dusty bitches. It's not
saying that. God, I hope I wish that that was
on the back end of that entire phrase, is black
don't crack and white your nasty dusty bitches? You're cracking.
You're cracking. Honestly, it would be very funny. And then
I'd be like, yeah, should I get bad at that too?
(11:46):
But like, yeah, it's just it's a sentence. It has
nothing to do with them, and they sometimes get mad
about it. Sure, yeah, that doesn't make sense to me.
I mean, we could get political, and it's the same
thing with Black Lives Matter. Is nothing to do with
white people. It's just that certain people matter. Just it
doesn't It's it's like it's a period at the end
of the sentence. So yeah, yeah, just remove yourself from
(12:09):
the situation when nobody's talking about you. Sure, black don't
crack in a lot of ways. Is much like your
cousin being like, I still look good. I'm still proud
of the way that I look physically, and I would
love a catchphrase to help me really encompass that feeling,
make me feel pride about the way that I look.
(12:29):
And instead somebody's coming in like, bitch, how could you
believe in yourself in relation to me? Look at me?
Why are you not talking about me when you want
to feel good about you? Nuts? I ventured to guess
that part of what also is upsetting is that it
(12:50):
does sometimes get weaponized, right that, Like, it isn't always
just pride. We're not always just being like black, don't crack,
it's my birthday. Sometimes it's Now Look at this old motherfucker,
you know what I mean. Look at mcdonnald. He's all
bruised up and is going on with Mitch McConnell's hand glove.
(13:13):
What the fuck is going on? He's like dying. I
posted this the other day and I do stand by it.
I do think that it has that same look of
when Dumbledore touched that ring in Harry Potter and then
he was dying and Snape had to kill him, but
it was, you know, the whole thing. But yeah, No,
it's clearly a hand of death. And we don't know
(13:35):
why he's dying or under what circumstances he's going to
eventually be finished off, but he's clearly this is it
for all this, He's leaving this plane. And that said,
how can you look at that person and say that
white and black are the same in terms of the
way that they age. Mitch McConnell's forty five years old. No,
(13:57):
I'm just kidding. Oh my god, I almost fell out
of my chair. I was like, that can't. That's sick.
Mitch mcconnald is thirty eight years old. I would have
been telling people he forty five years old. Y'all, this
is new information. He's you can't keep living this way.
(14:20):
Seventy eight is what I'm being told he's And this
is upsetting. My producer, Hans is telling me he's seventy eight,
and he's saying he actually looks kind of good for seven.
I don't think so. I don't think so either. Yeah,
how old is Seilee Tyson? She looks good. She's ninety nine.
It looks good. Now I'm old black people? Wait, did
(14:48):
you do old black celebrities are just old black people?
Just showing me pictures of just literally old, right, just
a dude on a Bluetooth phone, a lady stern apot
more or less, Let's see how olds Patti La Bell. Oh,
(15:09):
Patty's got to be at least seventy Yeah, I would
say seventy four. That's my guests, I think so. I
can't figure out how to looking it up. I'm like
reacting under the premise that you're going to be looking
it up. But no, you're like, yeah, no, way to tell.
There's no way from looking now I'm looking it up. Yeah,
(15:32):
she sent me six seven six, two years older than her. Yall,
this man's rotten. Yeah, that's a rotting man. That's not
good leather at all. Whatever is on the inside. Speaking Patty,
have you ever seen were stranging from the subject, But
have you ever seen her sing for Bill Clinton? No Christmas,
(15:55):
Christmas something I think maybe like a Christmas tree ceremony.
And she doesn't know the words to this song, and
she's got cue cards and they start the music. She's like,
why the cute gods honey? With the backup singers. It's
honestly the funniest thing I've ever seen. It's I love that.
(16:17):
There's nothing funnier to me in the world than when
like musicians don't know the words to their own songs
and then they just have to like keep pretending like
they're invested in this music. That changed like, Honey, I
don't know the words the Gods, I gotta go fast
to honey. It's really, honestly one of the funniest things
(16:39):
I've ever seen in my life. I also love that
because it was probably in an error where there was
no teleprompter and literally was somebody needing to move cards
out of the way because she's just yelling at a
dude holding cards and trying to frantically throw them out
of the way with the words to a song we
all know except for her apparently. I think it was
(17:01):
this Christmas now? Is that? Yeah? I don't know if
it's the one she was thinking, but it's definitely a song.
It is a song. Sure. So again we're looking at
the point in which black don't crack sort of is
(17:21):
becoming most evident when we look at like a Mitch McConnell, right,
he obviously has cracked. A Patti label is cracking far
less and far sort of more gracefully than a Mitch
McConnell would be. Here's where I get curious, what point
do you think that this becomes a real factor and
the possibility for offending in the aging process for our
(17:45):
paler friends as you put it, Wait, what do you mean? Sorry?
I mean, at what age are we starting to like,
does this become personal? When I go black don't crack?
Are they looking at me and going, fuck you man,
I'm cracking? Honestly, I think pretty early like, oh, you're
(18:05):
being generous, maybe forty. Actually know, some people went to
high school with look fucked up, So I'm gonna say
thirty two. That sounds more right. You know who I
think about is uh what was that Netflix reality show
where they couldn't see each other but then they could
see each other? Oh, love at first sight? No blind? Love,
(18:27):
Love is blind? I didn't, but I know I know
about it a little. There's that lady who everybody hated, Jessica,
who I was certain when they introduced her was a
solid forty forty nine, I would say, and then they
revealed that she was like thirty three, and I was devastating.
(18:50):
I was like, whoa, this is horrible. These you were
gorgeous forty nine. That happens a lot on reality shows.
We're like, wow, look at this very old white lady
and they're like twenty two and you're like, you've had
a tough twenty two years. Wow, I can't believe you
(19:11):
only wanted to write what happened to you in these
twenty two years and make you look like that. But then,
at least based off of the premise that we've set up,
what did happen to you in twenty two years? Because
on average, black people live, I would argue harder lives
than white people tend to. Yeah, we sure do, but
(19:33):
maybe we live harder lives, but we're not like super
angry about it all the time like white people are
pretty joyful. Sure, so maybe it's like we look at
hardships and we're joyful about it, and then our skin
is like producing I don't know happy serums. I don't
find it, but I don't know. I don't know speculating
(20:00):
love that of all the chemicals that that you could
have listed off, you had. I imagine you watched their
face many times and you've looked at the chemicals on
the back, and you've been like, oh that's in there,
Oh this is in there, And the first thing that
popped into your head was happy ceral. He said, Yeah,
happy serum is being admitted from our our ports that
(20:23):
allows us to look youthful in relation to our white counterparts.
Hey stand by it all right? Well, who am I
to argue? We're gonna take a break and we'll be
back with more Nicole by or and more, my mama
told me, And we are back. If you want to
(20:52):
reach those kids on the streets, then you gotta do
a rep, do a hip hop beat. So I gave
my swimming an urban kick. Rhymes are flying, macho, sick.
My crew is big and it keeps getting bigger. That's
because Jesus Christ. Just yeah, we're back here and more.
My moment told me more Nicole buyer, who are still
(21:13):
talking about that black skin and white doesn't crack and
if it ever will crack? Do you feel this will
get us into the research? Is? I think it's a
good leading question into the research. Do you feel like
there's anything misleading in the phrase black don't crack? M Yeah,
she'd probably be black and brown don't crack. Oh that
(21:36):
it should be more all encompassing. That's fair. Yeah, I
think our darker skinned friends all aged slower than our
alabaster friends. Sure, and that's a fair argument. I've heard
a few other like, uh, catch like Asian don't raise him?
(21:56):
Heard that no, but that's fun. Yeah, that's pretty cool,
Like I've heard that one. I think Kim new Money
was the person who said that to me once, and
I was like, hell, yeah, I can for she's great. Wait,
let's see Puerto Rican their skin ain't weaken. I want
(22:23):
to do I want to do Dominican and skin akin,
But I can't. I can't piece it together. Do you
know what I mean? Not coming together? You will stay Skinnican. No,
I'll have to. I'll have to come back to you.
Doman one really came to me. Your skin ain't thinn akin. Yes,
(22:44):
them skin ain't. Uh yeah, that one's a little tougher. Yep.
We should have just stopped at your Puerto Rican one,
but I had to keep it going. So I asked
that question because in my research, one of the things
that sort of came out of a lot of this
conversation was this issue of aging, Right, And we sort
(23:08):
of are talking about aging on the physical level, but
the reality is is that black people tend to die
much younger than their white counterparts, right that, like, we're
not actually living in a world where black people aren't cracking.
They're just not cracking on the outside. They're cracking actually
a lot faster than literally everyone else. And so I
(23:31):
looked up the life expectancy for people based on their race,
and Asians are the ones who are living the longest.
They are in fact not raisinging and living around eighties
six years, whereas Latinos go about eight one eight two.
Whites are in the middle there at like seventy seventy eight,
seventy nine. Native Americans are coming around at seventy seven,
(23:53):
and then black people are stopping at seventy five. Dang. Yeah,
so we're all like, uh, twelve years behind our Asian counterpart. No,
twelve years of slave that's what they were wrong about that. Yeah,
(24:14):
it's it was heartbreaking, but I did find some comfort
in realizing that white people don't live nearly as long
as their lives are set up for them to live,
you know what I mean? Yes, that I mean it
is kind of funny that they have a lot of advantages,
but they don't live the longest. No, you're barely living
longer than us, and y'all have every advantage in this country.
(24:37):
What are you doing wrong that's making you? You do that?
Leave those hor cruxes alone and live your life. Some
of our Alabaster friends are doing weird. Ship Like, what
did that president say? He said that president he was
like drink bleach and ship like, that man is wild?
What did Herbert Hoover say? Yeah? It was the one
(25:06):
that none of us like, and he's the recent one. Yeah,
little pump just endorsed him, So he's doing pretty good,
little pump, you know, little pup. Yeah, he said he
didn't want to pay an extra thirty three percent in taxes,
but he didn't want to just leave it at like,
and that's why I'm voting for Donald Trump this year.
He made an Instagram video where he said, fuck sleepy
(25:28):
Joe Biden, suck my dick, nigga, I'm not paying another
thirty three percent in taxes. And it was like, all right,
little pump, this seems excessive. It doesn't make scessive, and
I don't think so he's the what you have to
pay an extra thirty percent in taxes. I think a
lot of people of a certain wealth are now worried
(25:50):
that Joe Biden has who has been pretty open about
wanting to tax the wealthy differently than Trump has been
taxing them, is suddenly going to it to the most
extreme taxing in all of history, when in fact, he's
probably just gonna like charge them a little extra from
what they previously were being charged. You'll be fine, But
(26:14):
that's not how rappers deal with their problems. You know.
Here's the thing, though, I wish people could see a
little pump and be like, oh, good for a little
pumping his millions of dollars. I don't have millions of dollars,
so I would like his so jis taxes. Sure, that's
not people's mentalities are right, and that's a good point.
(26:36):
The instinct should be, oh, little pump got a lot
of money. I'm trying to get some of that money.
I would love for that money to go towards infrastructure
in schools this year have like little pump university state
institutions because he got tax just a little bit more. Sure,
But instead we're like, we gotta protect little pumps money.
(26:58):
It's so wild. But like people who don't make any
money are like, yeah, we gotta follow little pump. Mm
hmm man. Okay, So let's unpack a little bit more
of this conspiracy theory. Obviously, black people do technically crack right,
but there is a lot of evidence that we do
(27:18):
look good and look better than our white counterparts all
the way up until the day that we die. Scientific evidence,
not just stuff you read and then go on and
spread to strangers until someone else refutes it and tells
you to say something different. So let's start with the beginning.
One of the things that they say makes black skin
(27:42):
age better is the amount of collagen and melanin in
black skin. So obviously melanin is the pigment that we
produce for our skin that protects us against UV rays.
And in nineteen seventy nine, this person k K B
found that on average, five percent of ultra violet A
rays penetry Caucasian skin, while fewer than eighteen percent get
(28:06):
through black skin, which is why, like our photo aging
is different, right that, Like they're just soaking up all
these rays and it's you know, wearing down their flesh
in a way that black skin tends to reflect and
not so. So the sun is literally melting white people
from the outside in. That's right, that's wild. They are
(28:31):
sun dried tomatoes of human beings. And while delicious, that's
not exactly a great look for you physically. This is incredible. So,
like I wear sunscreen, so all black people should wear sunscreens,
so then none of the rays penetrate you and you
stay young forever. That's right, you want, I think you
(28:52):
would like as few rays of as possible based off
of the research that I've seen to be uh sort
of getting into you. And they said mixed people myself
tend to fall in the middle, which makes sense, so
we will age better than our white counterparts, but not
nearly as good as our darker skin counterparts. Okay, so
(29:15):
I was you know, this hasn't been a good week
for me as far as stuff I'm gathering. But you know, yeah,
but you got a little bit of protection. Your half sure,
half protective. I don't know your racial makeup. I shouldn't
have said half protective. No, it's exactly right, It's exactly right.
(29:36):
He nailed it. So then it talks a little bit
about why Asians don't age the way that white people do,
and it said that Asian people actually have a different
kind of melanin called feel melanin, which is why it's similar,
but it basically is a different I guess like tone
of it, and they have a lot of this feel
(29:58):
melanin that basically allows them the age at a slower
rate than white people as well. Okay, yeah, so there's
some science here. Now here's where it gets a little
less exciting is although this is obviously good, there are
some downsides to black skin. So black skin is more
(30:19):
prone to discoloration, dark spots, pigmentation, and keyloid scarlet, right,
which is why you know a lot of times we
have these big scars on our bodies and weird places
from small cuts. My mom had a scar on her
arm for years that was like from a small like
(30:41):
razor cut, but it turned into like a giant key
lloyd because that, I guess happens a lot more with
melanated skin. M m m m m. Yeah. Before I
got my nose ring, they were like, do you get keloids?
And I was like, what do you mean? They're like
black people get keyloids, so like you might have a
keylod on your nose if it doesn't heal right? And
I was like what no? And I was like Pierson,
(31:02):
I was like, I hope it heels well? Right? Why
did you wait till I sat down and tell me? Yeah?
It's like this could have been told me in the
waiting room. I was filling it all the paperwork, all right.
I might have not signed my name on that that
line that you asked me to had I known any
of that. Wait, Linkston, do you scar poorly? About? Do
(31:25):
you do? You? Guess? I think you're doing fine? Yeah, listen,
do you scar poorly? Thank you for asking Nicole. I, Uh,
I think so I tend. I think I tend to
key Lloyd more than uh the average person. And I
(31:45):
think I imagine some of that has to do with
like genetic ship that like if my mom gets a
lot of key Lloyd's, I'm probably gonna get a lot
of key Lloyd's, and black people just pass that down
to each other more frequently than white people do, if
that makes sense. It does. I get like dark spots
I have, Like I don't like my If I cut myself,
(32:06):
it won't heal, Like I'll just have a scar for
the like forever. I have so many scars on me. Oh,
and it's like simple cuts, not like something that like
should have left any marketing. But sometimes they'll fade away.
So like I had to cut on my looking for
it on my hand and it was like on my finger,
and I have the scar for like a super long time.
(32:28):
But I think it's like finally faded. I have a
scar in the middle of my forehead that I don't
think it's ever going to fucking fade. And then what
happened in the middle of your forehead? I fell down.
It's a rather long story. I got knocked down by
a homeless man in Central Park and I was drunk.
(32:53):
It's honestly the dumbest story. Okay, here was the cliff
notes version. I was blacked out drunk. We were playing
photo scavenger hunt, so we had like a whole list
of stuff that we had to take photos with. And
I got off the train because I had to pee,
and I said I'll be right back. Trains don't let
you do that. So then I was like, you yelled
it at the conductor as he's out, I'll be right
(33:14):
back and he's like, nam, we're leaving you. You're trying
to pee on the platform. So then I went above ground. Also,
I didn't have a purse because I gave it to
my friend and I went to Central Park to look
for them, and then unhoused friend, I was like, do
you want to smoke weed? And I was in the
early twenties and I said yes please. I never turned
out and then he was like rolling this blunt and
there was like sticks in it, and I was like
(33:36):
that's not wait and I started screaming and then he
hit me on my jaw and then like not super hard,
but like to be like shut up, and then you
blowing up my st Should I legal yet? Yeah, this
is like ten years ago. We could be arrested. And
I was hammered, so I lost my balance and fell
(33:58):
without putting a single arm out to my fault. Wow,
you full on did that thing? What are those like
those topsy things that like you punch them and they
like fall straight and then bounce back. And that's exactly
what I did. And I didn't bounce back. I just
it was a thud. And I lived there and he
was like, oh no, oh, well, I'm glad I killed
(34:20):
a black lady because nobody will come looking. Do do
do do? Wow? That's horrifying. Uh huh. But you know
she's still living. She hasn't fully cracked, she hasn't fully cracked,
but she bears the scar of the girl who lived.
Yeah it no, I can't see it at all. Let's
(34:45):
see if you can. I can, Okay, I can see
a little something. This is great for our listening, hearing
me hearing me vaguely see a scar over a zoom.
You know they'll keep them engaged. You have to remember
(35:06):
it's a audio medium. Okay, here's where the research really
took me into something that I got excited about. Recently
in a Rutger's New Jersey medical study suggested that black
people are born with denser bones in their face, and
these bones also don't break down as quickly, especially the
(35:30):
bone between the eyes and the cheekbones, which is part
of the reason that we age so much better than
our white counterparts. So I'm literally I'm big boned. It's
I'm big. I'm big boned. Wipe your eyes, stop crying.
(35:52):
What are you crying for? Just fat my face, all
these beautiful, dense bones. Oh, I've never been so happy
that my bones were heavy. Yeah, it's fascinating. They fucking
love that we had bigger, denser bones. Yeah, it's so
(36:13):
it got me excited at first, and then I started
to get nervous. And it's where I'll take you down
where my brain goes always. But I got nervous because
when you start saying that we have a different biological
makeup than white people, it starts to get into that
space where like we're measuring skulls like eugenics. Do you
(36:34):
know what I mean that? Like, there was an entire
science at one point in this country that basically went
like their heads are like monkey heads. So they should
be slaves and the rest of us should be out
living in the world. And so while I'm excited that
we don't age the same way, I am nervous that, like,
who came up with this ship? You know what I mean,
(36:54):
what's your plans? Okay? I hope the person who like
this had a friend it was like, yes, I'll donate
my skull to science, and then they're like, oh cool,
this is really great. And then that's how they figured
it out, and not that they like dug up an
old black light and I'll get our Yeah, I don't
understand how experienced experiments like that happened. Well I'm glad
(37:17):
you're bringing that up, because I looked up where it
came from, and it comes from this dude name Boris Passover. Right, Yeah,
Boris ain't a good start. But Boris was doing a
study back at Yale in likeeen on the bony structure
of the aging face, right, just general faces. But he
(37:39):
was doing it at Yale, and so all of the
people that were coming to his study or sort of
being offered as patients for his study were white people,
Like literally every single one of his patients was white.
And then he gets transferred, he gets a new job
over in New Jersey. He's working in Newark, and suddenly
(37:59):
he is doing the exact same study, but half of
his patients are now black because New Orks are more black,
more diverse city. And so what he realizes the products
that he was receiving, the things that he's getting out
of this study are showing completely different results when he's
looking at the black people instead of the white people.
(38:20):
It's fucked up that a lot of experiments and a
lot of research is done with white as the base,
and then they don't look at anything else and then
are surprised when they find different results with different people.
It's like, yeah, and it's the same thing with mental illness.
A lot of mental illness is studied only in men
and not women. So like, we just figured out what
(38:43):
a d D or a d h D looks like
in little girls and women, And I was like, that
could have helped me when I was a child. You know,
it wasn't just chatty because I was a girl, fucking
chatty because I couldn't concentrate. That's exactly, and listen, that's
how they get you. I think you're exactly right that
(39:03):
this is a weird both an encouraging thing, right, that
he discovered, oh shit, this entire group of people is
different than this group of people. I want to study that.
I'm encouraged by that. Blah blah blah. But there's something
really sad about the idea that he had to go
to fucking nerk and he would have never even thought
to look at black people unless he was put in
(39:25):
circumstances where he was forced to look at black people.
Right in the same way that to your point, you
don't discover as a young lady that you have a
d h D or some sort of attention issue because
they're not treating you as the subject. They're just treating
you as like a girl doing girl stuff. We don't
know that ain't science. She's just a girl. Yeah yeah,
(39:49):
fully wild. And then I was like, I think my
mom is a d D. You know, it's a whole thing.
It's a whole, fun little mystery to figure out. I
love that you were just going around the house accused
and everybody you look under your chairs. You no, no concentrate,
look under the chair, stop looking over here. But I
(40:14):
think one of the larger things that this sort of
left me with one of the larger feelings, fears, and
celebrations that it left me with is while it's beautiful
that black people in fact do not crack, that our
bones are our dentser, we got them big bones, as
you put it, it also made me really sad about
how many resources are black people being left without because
(40:38):
science didn't want to do the work all of them.
I'm sure there's a very nice way to stop hypertension
and diabetes and black people, it's just not studied in
black people, so we suffer. Yes, I'm sure there's a
very simple fix to it, but you know, you have
to run tests, and you have to It takes a
while to figure it out, but you know, right, you
(41:01):
have to be down to do the work for the
community that actually is suffering, not just do the work
for the community you're trying to protect. Thanks. Yeah, that's it,
you heard. There's no other reason for us to keep
(41:21):
talking in this. We're gonna take a break. We'll be
back with more, Nicole Buyer, more, my mama told me.
And we are back. Do you ever feel, you know,
(41:42):
not so fresh? No? No, yeah, we're back here with more,
my mama told me more. Nicole Buyer. You only have
a genuine reaction. Mama, do you ever feel not so fresh?
I would never ask my mother if that They don't
remember that commercial? No is that? Yeah? It was for
(42:05):
like a douche product that they were selling when they
were still trying to convince women to vinegar their puss
of getting that that fragrance sent out. It's so wild
that some man was like, I'll eat her out. How
do we fin it? I don't know. Vinegar cleans after
(42:27):
you make this so like, I love that. Vinegar was
the first instinct he could come up with of like
that's how much he hated women. Was He was like,
I need something that I used to clean my house
and to like flush out like my insides is vinegar.
(42:47):
I'm not going with like flowers and dainty things. Killed
the smell. I wanted to be like an eating like
a wet piece of plastic, Like I don't want any smell.
Better be olderless, otherwise I can't enjoy it, even though
my balls smell like God knows what. Yeah, sometimes Pauls
(43:08):
are really upsetting. Not sometimes almost all the time. There
are some days where I smell myself and I'm like, God, damn,
I'm lucky. Somebody loves me. Oh that's nice think that. Yeah,
I put it in my vow, but apparently my wife
didn't care for that part. I don't like that part, right, lady.
(43:33):
It wasn't for you, it was for us. Sorry about it.
I'm a comedian. Did you forget? Did you do funny vows?
I did? I tried to, at least, I you know,
I felt I don't know if you feel this way.
If I don't do something funny in almost everything that
I do, I feel like I'm being dishonest to myself. Uh,
(43:56):
that is fully how I feel. For a while, I
was like, I think of any behind a wall, and
I was like, no, I genuinely love making people laugh.
You know. If I'm not doing that, then I'm doing
something weird. Yeah, it just feels like I'm pretending if
I'm not at least attempting to be funny. I'm fine
with bombing. Like, I'll try to be funny in something
(44:18):
that does not require really funny and bomb like a motherfucker,
and I do it all the time, but I gotta
at least try otherwise Papa feel sick. All right, let's
get into this game. I have a fun game for
us to play. I know you run a wonderful ninety
Day Fiance podcast. You have a podcast where you unpack
(44:38):
all of the happenings on ninety Day Fiance. I personally
am a massive fan of ninety Day Fiance. Didn't know. Okay,
do you watch the spinoffs as well? I do. Unfortunately,
I don't believe that you can watch the show and
truly call yourself a fan without then, you know, finding
yourselves in the Darcy and State seas of the world.
(45:01):
I love Darcy and Stacy. I don't think they are sick,
and I do watch it, and then this, like the
last couple episode, Stacy has been crying and I was like,
Stacy didn't even make up her bed. These pillows don't matter.
She's not wearing a lavish outfit, like what are we doing, Darcy?
(45:21):
And also their dad is from Cape verdie So I
call them my black queens, even though it's off the
coast of Africa. They might be like more Portuguese than anything,
but like thinking they're black, I've been I'll be honest,
I've been wondering this whole time what race they are.
And we had landed on Italian, but now that makes
more Yes, So people think they're Italian, but their dad
(45:42):
is from I believe his people are from cape Verday
and then their mom, I think is white, so they're
she's like half cape Verdian and a good way to be.
Like it's like Amber Roses cape Verdian. So it's like
they're like kind of like Amber Rosy. Do you watch
the family Chantel I do not. I lived, I will
say about cape verdi and people though I lived in
(46:03):
Boston for multiple years and one of the things that
you find out is Boston has like one of the
biggest cape Verdian populations in the US, and they are
infamous in Boston for being like insane wild people that
like one of the most dangerous parts of the city
of Boston is completely made up of cape Verdian people,
(46:25):
and they blame them for every bad thing that happens
in the city. Yep. So all that crazy that's in
Darcy and Stacy apparently is just the cape Verdian deep
in their room. This brings me joy but also makes
me sad. Sure, sure, you mean stigmatizing a group of people.
It doesn't feel good in your spirit. I don't think
(46:46):
I like that I don't think I like stereotyping are racism,
Those things are bad. Okay, all right, let's get into
this game. We've got a very important game game that
I like to call and this is a brand new game.
It's called ninety Day con Spirit saying, yeah, ninety day Conspiracy.
(47:19):
The way we're gonna play this game is, I'm going
to present to you a few of my personal favorite
people throughout the ninety Day Fiance multiverse, And what I
would love for you to do is just unpack whether
or not you think that they would make effective cult leaders.
Do you think that they could effectively lead their own cult,
ideally within the ninety day window that they have to
(47:41):
come to America and get married? So? Uh, Starting off,
he gave us a song about her, Let's go with
with baby Girl Lisa. How are you feeling about Lisa's
potential to lead a cult? I? Okay, just the fact
that Lucien was so dedicated to her, even though his
friends the Goofball's Light were like, she's discussed everyone in
(48:04):
his life was like, this woman is trash, she is disgusting,
and they even when they got married, he was like,
I think you have to wear a brawl with that
dress and she's like no, So I think she could
lead a cult specifically because she has this man entranced
by her and she literally looks like a wet cigarette,
(48:26):
Like she's just disgusting. She, I would argue, as one
of the most gruesome figures that has ever made their
way across the ninety fiance screen. In the fact that
he has found like a contentment in that uh leads
me to believe that she has to be persuasive in
some kind of way. I agree with you. I think
(48:47):
baby girl Lisa would make a pretty good cult leader. Okay,
let's let's go in a different direction. Muhammad of season two,
he dated Danielle and she had the three kids, and
he came and pulled a lot of shenanigids on her.
How are you feeling about his potential sex? That's right,
(49:12):
I do not think mommed but be an effective cult leader. Okay,
tell me why. He just he's not dedicated. He doesn't
understand that you need to make sacrifices. On their wedding day,
they were like, you may now kiss the Brian and
he said no, I cannot for religious reasons, and did
not expand on to what the religious reasons were that
(49:33):
then you have to do some of the dirty ships.
And the dirty ship is kissing your new wife Danielle.
That's right. He wouldn't even explain what part of his
religion was keeping him from doing it. He was just like,
not dog, it's that time of the month. I can't
do it. At the reunion, said she had a stinky
pussy on national television. That was that was unkind. He
(49:56):
wasn't a kind man. He also got other women pregnant
while he was married to her and was like traveling
to Florida to go he and he lost weight and
got like a cool haircut and just she said, I'm
gonna send you back to where you came from. Mohammed.
(50:16):
I would be a part of Daniel's cult. I could
listen to her all day. I love Oh god, I
couldn't for a second. I feel I never wanted to
get some kids out of a house more than when
she was like, the lights got turned off. This is
not a way to live. She's like, I love you, mom,
but right she wasn't even a good listener. He's like,
(50:38):
we got to get the lights back on, and she
was like, mommed, I love you, it's not good. It's
a bad set up. But okay, so Mohammed would not
make a good cult leader. So here's my wife's favorite.
She loves an Fisa. How are you feeling about an
Fisa being a potential cult lead? And I think she
could be a cult leader because she's terrifying. See the
(51:01):
way this woman screams is intense. And George was just like,
here's your makeup bag, and she like, yeah, she would
scream you into the cult. Yes, I think that she
would make an effective cult leader. It would have to
be some version of a sex cult. But that a
sex cult that doesn't allow you to have sex with them.
(51:24):
Uh Like it's it's a weird setup. But I do
think that she has all the potential to at least
break the brain of another human being. I agree. Okay,
here's one that I think would be interesting. Let's talk
Tom Tom Darcy infamy. So something in me is like, yes,
(51:45):
Tom would be a good cult leader because he strung
with Darcy along and you know, would do things where
he was like I would have proposed to you if
we had gone on the vacation. I wanted to go on,
but then I was like it takes a woman like
Darcy to be susceptible to that. So then I was
like no, But then I said yes, because there's lots
(52:07):
of women like Darcy. I think you're on a cult.
I think it would only be filled with women. I agree,
And I think that there's not a big difference between
Tom and Keith Rnery. Do you know what I mean that?
Like the next hum guy like, I'm not I'm not
into it. Oh you're not into it? Okay, Well, the
same energy of like you find some broken individuals, some
people who need this kind of energy, and then you
(52:29):
just maximize it. Could he lead a big, famous cult.
Probably not, but he could get about six or seven
goofballs in the house and and have them doing push
ups that weird talents at night. You know what I mean.
I believe in Tom in that way. I believe in
Cob too. Yeah, he'll give everyone a key the Wonder
to some weird gold key that clearly doesn't work on
(52:53):
anyone's home. My favorite thing about that key was they
stayed in the airbnb. They do even stay at his house,
so like, what was the key too? And also Darcy
has been disrespected on so many continents. She has, and
if only she could settle into herself enough to go,
like meet a man at the grocery store, but no,
she keeps going on these weird international dating websites. Well,
(53:17):
she finally got Georgie. I think Georgie is the one.
I know you don't mean that, but it's very exciting
to hear someone to say it out loud. I know
no humans ever meant that, but yeah, I can't wait
to see what happens with her Georgie. I'm very excited
(53:39):
about it. I'll hit you with one more and then
we'll close this bad boy out. Here's my personal favorite
person in the history of ninety day fiance is Angela.
How are we feeling about Angela and her potential to
lead a cult? Angela absolutely colita cult. She's already leading
a cult. She's got a hundred little black kids living
in her house. I don't know where they fucking came from,
(54:00):
but she has a lot of black children. She's got Michael.
Michael's submissive to her fault. I think those black kids,
I can't figure out if they're skyless kids or you know.
One of her other daughters is in jail for murder
and so and so maybe they belonged to the the
(54:23):
Murderer daughter, but TLC does no background checks and they
get the crem Dela creme of these insane people. They
truly just ask would you like to be on the show?
Person on the street, and then they give them six
years to figure it out. It's amazing. It's truly the
(54:43):
best show. And Nicole, this was such a fun time.
I had a great time chatting with hell. Yeah. Could
you tell the people where they can find you what
cool stuff you have going on? And he plugs. You
can sad me on Instagram or Twitter at Nicole Buyer.
You can watch Nailed It on Netflix. I have too
many podcasts. Why don't you date me? Best Friends ninety
(55:07):
day Bay on Patreon. Newcomers of Lauren Lattis, We're going
through Lord of the Rings right now. Wouldn't would a franchise? Um? Yeah? Yeah,
and that's it. I don't know. If you want me
to like make some money, watch the episodes of Brooklyn
nine nine so I get some residuals. Yeah, watch those
residual episodes of Brooklyn nine nine, only those no other episodes,
(55:29):
and uh follow her on all that stuff and feel
free to follow me at Langston Kerman. And please, if
you have drops or questions or conspiracies or voicemails you
would like to send me, send them to my mama
pod at gmail dot com. I would love to hear
from you. Okay, we did it by by by moving
(56:02):
homest I have most looking because she did turn the
stuff and can't tell me about my love
I mean, I often like to think about what you
like in that audience, and I know full well open
will be like, look under your chair, and I would
look to the person to the left and be like,
let's under there. Let's do it, because I was like, oh,
what is she doing? I just it's very hard for
you to concert on anything. It's like, does Oprah have
something under her chair? I love that. I love the
(00:27):
idea that she gave everybody a car or whatever the
funk was under the chair, but then she also put
one under her chair for herself. She's like, I have
a card. I bet you got a billion dollars. We
hit it. You got a car, chips in your quality
(00:53):
bears are racists? Money term stuff can't tell me? Yeah, yeah,
there it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome
to another sensational episode of My Mama Told Me, the
(01:17):
podcast where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of
black conspiracy theories and we finally work to prove that
Dwayne the Rock Johnson is too damn buff to wipe
himself thoroughly. You think the man is a Republican because
of financial reasons, No, he needs a slave to wipe
his butt now because his muscles get in the way
(01:39):
of a thorough wiping. That's the theory I'm spreading. That's
some ship I actually believe. Yeah, I don't think you
can reach back there anymore. I'm passionate about this subject.
Don't bother voting. Look more into Dwayne's muscles and everything
that's blocking him from wiping himself. I'm your host, likes
think Kerman. I'm coming in hot today. Baby, I'm feeling good.
(02:01):
You know why, because my guest today she's wonderful. She's hilarious.
You've seen her on Netflix, You've seen her on Nailick.
She's so much fun. I'm so happy she's here. Give
it up from my guest ms. Nicole Buyer. Oh my god,
that made me so happy. I haven't heard it in
(02:24):
a while. Yeah, you gotta let that sink in for
a second. I really like that conspiracy theory that the
rock can't wipe. I believe that. I think he might
have a muddy butt because he's got too many muscles.
Too money muscles leaves you with a muddy butt. That's
(02:44):
something my groom used to say all the time. Baby,
don't get too strong, you're gonna have a muddy but baby,
I don't know when my grandmother became from the South,
but she did that from the South. That's a fair
guess that there's there's sort of a history there that
(03:04):
leads us to believe that's a real possibility for most
of us. I'm excited you're here. We have I would
say you came to us with a conspiracy theory that
is almost ubiquitous. It's everywhere, it's everybody saying it, everybody
knows it. It's maybe one of the most popular conspiracy
theories out in the world. You said, my mama told
(03:26):
me black don't crack. M black don't crack, that you'll
be the same age for forever. And then you see
it out in the world, you know, like Gabriel Union.
I think she's older than we all think. She looks beautiful.
(03:48):
That lady is gorgeous, stunning. Yes, like okay, So here's
what I think. I think the conspiracy only really goes
for women because sometimes black man loving this. This turned
on me very quickly, but go on, you finish your idea.
I feel like maybe black men do age just a
(04:08):
little slower, but it's black women who really don't age. Sure, Okay,
I and I will say that there's a fair amount
of evidence that what you're saying is probably has at
least it's some legitimacy. Morgan Freeman is doing worse since
this elite tyson, you know what I mean. Like it's
there's a noticeable difference than the way that they're the
(04:31):
two are aging, and I honestly think it might be
because women just take care of their skin better in general.
But yeah, and maybe like women, I don't know. I
don't want to say like men are worse than women,
but maybe that's a pretty controversial statement at these times.
(04:51):
On somebody and you know, you're just waiting at home
at night for someone to come home, says, let's wrinkled,
you stay a little tall. If you're just sitting there
in a boiling rage at the way that someone's treating you,
that's fair. Let's start from the beginning, Black don't Crack.
Let's really get into the history of black don't crack
(05:11):
for you. Where do you feel like you first heard
black don't crack? Somebody say it did? Was was it
a family member? It was a family member, And I'm
pretty sure the first time I heard it was one
of my cousins at like Thanksgiving said something about her
getting older, but she was like, but I still looked
the same in the day. And then another cousin was like,
(05:32):
black don't crack, and I was like, okay, black don't crack.
And now that's a thing in my vocabulary that I
say now yeah, yeah, yeah. So this cousin is like
basically trying to reassure herself, like, now I still got it,
and a catchphrase was now thrown into the ether than
you otherwise had not heard. When you heard it, you
(05:52):
were you immediately like, yes, that is fact or did
you have to like go through your head and be like,
I don't know if that's true. I guess I just
the thing that I do is when new information hits
I go, okay, that's the thing now and that's true.
And then wait, wait, I'm sorry because I don't want
(06:15):
to just skip past that you're saying. When new information
is presented to you, you go, yes, absolutely, that is
a fact, and then you move forward. Yeah, it's a
bad habit. And now with the Internet, I have to
like stop myself because I love reposting things, So now
stop myself and like look it up. Nicole just because
(06:35):
like he read it doesn't mean it's true. It's a problem,
but you are literally what they're afraid of with like
these Russian hackers. I'm fully fake news all these people
who like every time that they published some article where
they're like the Russians are taking over there, they're hacking
(06:56):
our elections. Part of it was like, oh, I thought
they were like hacking into like the booths, stealing vote
same and that's what I would like say to people
until I like understood it, and it was like, oh no,
they just influenced it with like Facebook ads and ship
and I was like, fuck, oh no, they've just been
private and messaging me. And uh, it turns out I've
(07:20):
been listening. I'm the one who told you, and I've
been telling everybody. I've been reading messages this new information.
I said, that's what it is. Sure does that then
make you nervous that black does in fact crack and
you've just been spreading it across the country. Is this
what you're gonna tell me that black does crack? I'm
not gonna tell you anything of the sort. I'm listen.
(07:42):
I've got a little stock in this game too, But
all I'm saying is is that it's making me nervous
that we're somehow aligning, and you've refused to do any research. Listen,
sometimes it's so you do the research, you were wrong,
or you do the research and you were right. If
you skip three search, you could just be right. You
could just be right the whole time. And that's that's science,
(08:06):
and that's America. That's America. That's that's that good American science.
Are there are there members of your family that you
feel like you could point to and go this is
evidence of of this conspiracy theory being true? Are people
in your inner circle if you will. Yeah, my sister specifically,
(08:29):
she is older than me. I'm like thirty five or
thirty six seven. She's she was born in eighty five.
I'm terrible at math and remembering. But she truly looks
like she's a teenager. And she works in a school
and sometimes they'll be like, hey, gets a class because
she was a sub for a little bit, and she's like,
(08:50):
you know, I'm the teacher, and they're like, what she's
like five foot to Her skin is so clear, it's
so baby smooth. And then she doesn't really wear a
lot of makeup. And then she just looks so fucking young. Yeah,
and then my others and jury she looks so young,
and she's I think in her late forties. Maybe I
don't know, but she looks like she's in her twenties,
(09:12):
maybe like mid thirties. Yeah. I I similarly. And this
isn't it necessarily evidence of black don't crack, but it
is me sympathizing with your sister that I taught high
school when I was like twenty three twenty four, and
so there was a lot of that of like security
guards like stopping me in the hallway and being like,
(09:32):
where's your pass boy, You're going to the office, And
I'm like, sir, I pay taxes, Please don't do this,
Please cut this out. And so I I sympathize with
a young looking person who well into their thirties is
still being sort of harassed by these other people who
are meant to protect them or at least keep them
(09:52):
unannoyed throughout the day. Wait where did you teach? I
taught for a year in Chicago and then for two
year is in Boston? Which one was worse? Oh See,
that's a tricky question because because then that comes down
to which kids did I like more, and some of
them probably listen to this, so they were all the
(10:15):
same pieces the ship to me. You know, I don't
want any of them to feel special, like they left
a lasting mark on my spirit. Fucking kids, that's how
I live my perfect answer. If you're listening children, fuck you.
(10:36):
I still resent you ten years later, even after I've
quit those jobs. So there's evidence in your family, there's
evidence out in the world. Black don't crack. Here's something
that I've been thinking about that I would love to
unpack with you. Do you think do you think that
this phrase has the possibility or potential of offending non
(11:01):
black counterparts? Are are non black peers? Tell me more
well not to be rude, But it seems as if
our paler friends get offended by everything, even if it
has nothing to do with them. Because the phrase black
don't crack isn't saying black don't cracking. White is crusty.
(11:25):
Probably you're sucking dust, your nasty dusty bitches. It's not
saying that. God, I hope I wish that that was
on the back end of that entire phrase, is black
don't crack and white your nasty dusty bitches? You're cracking.
You're cracking. Honestly, it would be very funny. And then
I'd be like, yeah, should I get bad at that too?
(11:46):
But like, yeah, it's just it's a sentence. It has
nothing to do with them, and they sometimes get mad
about it. Sure, yeah, that doesn't make sense to me.
I mean, we could get political, and it's the same
thing with Black Lives Matter. Is nothing to do with
white people. It's just that certain people matter. Just it
doesn't It's it's like it's a period at the end
of the sentence. So yeah, yeah, just remove yourself from
(12:09):
the situation when nobody's talking about you. Sure, black don't
crack in a lot of ways. Is much like your
cousin being like, I still look good. I'm still proud
of the way that I look physically, and I would
love a catchphrase to help me really encompass that feeling,
make me feel pride about the way that I look.
(12:29):
And instead somebody's coming in like, bitch, how could you
believe in yourself in relation to me? Look at me?
Why are you not talking about me when you want
to feel good about you? Nuts? I ventured to guess
that part of what also is upsetting is that it
(12:50):
does sometimes get weaponized, right that, Like, it isn't always
just pride. We're not always just being like black, don't crack,
it's my birthday. Sometimes it's Now Look at this old motherfucker,
you know what I mean. Look at mcdonnald. He's all
bruised up and is going on with Mitch McConnell's hand glove.
(13:13):
What the fuck is going on? He's like dying. I
posted this the other day and I do stand by it.
I do think that it has that same look of
when Dumbledore touched that ring in Harry Potter and then
he was dying and Snape had to kill him, but
it was, you know, the whole thing. But yeah, No,
it's clearly a hand of death. And we don't know
(13:35):
why he's dying or under what circumstances he's going to
eventually be finished off, but he's clearly this is it
for all this, He's leaving this plane. And that said,
how can you look at that person and say that
white and black are the same in terms of the
way that they age. Mitch McConnell's forty five years old. No,
(13:57):
I'm just kidding. Oh my god, I almost fell out
of my chair. I was like, that can't. That's sick.
Mitch mcconnald is thirty eight years old. I would have
been telling people he forty five years old. Y'all, this
is new information. He's you can't keep living this way.
(14:20):
Seventy eight is what I'm being told he's And this
is upsetting. My producer, Hans is telling me he's seventy eight,
and he's saying he actually looks kind of good for seven.
I don't think so. I don't think so either. Yeah,
how old is Seilee Tyson? She looks good. She's ninety nine.
It looks good. Now I'm old black people? Wait, did
(14:48):
you do old black celebrities are just old black people?
Just showing me pictures of just literally old, right, just
a dude on a Bluetooth phone, a lady stern apot
more or less, Let's see how olds Patti La Bell. Oh,
(15:09):
Patty's got to be at least seventy Yeah, I would
say seventy four. That's my guests, I think so. I
can't figure out how to looking it up. I'm like
reacting under the premise that you're going to be looking
it up. But no, you're like, yeah, no, way to tell.
There's no way from looking now I'm looking it up. Yeah,
(15:32):
she sent me six seven six, two years older than her. Yall,
this man's rotten. Yeah, that's a rotting man. That's not
good leather at all. Whatever is on the inside. Speaking Patty,
have you ever seen were stranging from the subject, But
have you ever seen her sing for Bill Clinton? No Christmas,
(15:55):
Christmas something I think maybe like a Christmas tree ceremony.
And she doesn't know the words to this song, and
she's got cue cards and they start the music. She's like,
why the cute gods honey? With the backup singers. It's
honestly the funniest thing I've ever seen. It's I love that.
(16:17):
There's nothing funnier to me in the world than when
like musicians don't know the words to their own songs
and then they just have to like keep pretending like
they're invested in this music. That changed like, Honey, I
don't know the words the Gods, I gotta go fast
to honey. It's really, honestly one of the funniest things
(16:39):
I've ever seen in my life. I also love that
because it was probably in an error where there was
no teleprompter and literally was somebody needing to move cards
out of the way because she's just yelling at a
dude holding cards and trying to frantically throw them out
of the way with the words to a song we
all know except for her apparently. I think it was
(17:01):
this Christmas now? Is that? Yeah? I don't know if
it's the one she was thinking, but it's definitely a song.
It is a song. Sure. So again we're looking at
the point in which black don't crack sort of is
(17:21):
becoming most evident when we look at like a Mitch McConnell, right,
he obviously has cracked. A Patti label is cracking far
less and far sort of more gracefully than a Mitch
McConnell would be. Here's where I get curious, what point
do you think that this becomes a real factor and
the possibility for offending in the aging process for our
(17:45):
paler friends as you put it, Wait, what do you mean? Sorry?
I mean, at what age are we starting to like,
does this become personal? When I go black don't crack?
Are they looking at me and going, fuck you man,
I'm cracking? Honestly, I think pretty early like, oh, you're
(18:05):
being generous, maybe forty. Actually know, some people went to
high school with look fucked up, So I'm gonna say
thirty two. That sounds more right. You know who I
think about is uh what was that Netflix reality show
where they couldn't see each other but then they could
see each other? Oh, love at first sight? No blind? Love,
(18:27):
Love is blind? I didn't, but I know I know
about it a little. There's that lady who everybody hated, Jessica,
who I was certain when they introduced her was a
solid forty forty nine, I would say, and then they
revealed that she was like thirty three, and I was devastating.
(18:50):
I was like, whoa, this is horrible. These you were
gorgeous forty nine. That happens a lot on reality shows.
We're like, wow, look at this very old white lady
and they're like twenty two and you're like, you've had
a tough twenty two years. Wow, I can't believe you
(19:11):
only wanted to write what happened to you in these
twenty two years and make you look like that. But then,
at least based off of the premise that we've set up,
what did happen to you in twenty two years? Because
on average, black people live, I would argue harder lives
than white people tend to. Yeah, we sure do, but
(19:33):
maybe we live harder lives, but we're not like super
angry about it all the time like white people are
pretty joyful. Sure, so maybe it's like we look at
hardships and we're joyful about it, and then our skin
is like producing I don't know happy serums. I don't
find it, but I don't know. I don't know speculating
(20:00):
love that of all the chemicals that that you could
have listed off, you had. I imagine you watched their
face many times and you've looked at the chemicals on
the back, and you've been like, oh that's in there,
Oh this is in there, And the first thing that
popped into your head was happy ceral. He said, Yeah,
happy serum is being admitted from our our ports that
(20:23):
allows us to look youthful in relation to our white counterparts.
Hey stand by it all right? Well, who am I
to argue? We're gonna take a break and we'll be
back with more Nicole by or and more, my mama
told me, And we are back. If you want to
(20:52):
reach those kids on the streets, then you gotta do
a rep, do a hip hop beat. So I gave
my swimming an urban kick. Rhymes are flying, macho, sick.
My crew is big and it keeps getting bigger. That's
because Jesus Christ. Just yeah, we're back here and more.
My moment told me more Nicole buyer, who are still
(21:13):
talking about that black skin and white doesn't crack and
if it ever will crack? Do you feel this will
get us into the research? Is? I think it's a
good leading question into the research. Do you feel like
there's anything misleading in the phrase black don't crack? M Yeah,
she'd probably be black and brown don't crack. Oh that
(21:36):
it should be more all encompassing. That's fair. Yeah, I
think our darker skinned friends all aged slower than our
alabaster friends. Sure, and that's a fair argument. I've heard
a few other like, uh, catch like Asian don't raise him?
(21:56):
Heard that no, but that's fun. Yeah, that's pretty cool,
Like I've heard that one. I think Kim new Money
was the person who said that to me once, and
I was like, hell, yeah, I can for she's great. Wait,
let's see Puerto Rican their skin ain't weaken. I want
(22:23):
to do I want to do Dominican and skin akin,
But I can't. I can't piece it together. Do you
know what I mean? Not coming together? You will stay Skinnican. No,
I'll have to. I'll have to come back to you.
Doman one really came to me. Your skin ain't thinn akin. Yes,
(22:44):
them skin ain't. Uh yeah, that one's a little tougher. Yep.
We should have just stopped at your Puerto Rican one,
but I had to keep it going. So I asked
that question because in my research, one of the things
that sort of came out of a lot of this
conversation was this issue of aging, Right, And we sort
(23:08):
of are talking about aging on the physical level, but
the reality is is that black people tend to die
much younger than their white counterparts, right that, like, we're
not actually living in a world where black people aren't cracking.
They're just not cracking on the outside. They're cracking actually
a lot faster than literally everyone else. And so I
(23:31):
looked up the life expectancy for people based on their race,
and Asians are the ones who are living the longest.
They are in fact not raisinging and living around eighties
six years, whereas Latinos go about eight one eight two.
Whites are in the middle there at like seventy seventy eight,
seventy nine. Native Americans are coming around at seventy seven,
(23:53):
and then black people are stopping at seventy five. Dang. Yeah,
so we're all like, uh, twelve years behind our Asian counterpart. No,
twelve years of slave that's what they were wrong about that. Yeah,
(24:14):
it's it was heartbreaking, but I did find some comfort
in realizing that white people don't live nearly as long
as their lives are set up for them to live,
you know what I mean? Yes, that I mean it
is kind of funny that they have a lot of advantages,
but they don't live the longest. No, you're barely living
longer than us, and y'all have every advantage in this country.
(24:37):
What are you doing wrong that's making you? You do that?
Leave those hor cruxes alone and live your life. Some
of our Alabaster friends are doing weird. Ship Like, what
did that president say? He said that president he was
like drink bleach and ship like, that man is wild?
What did Herbert Hoover say? Yeah? It was the one
(25:06):
that none of us like, and he's the recent one. Yeah,
little pump just endorsed him, So he's doing pretty good,
little pump, you know, little pup. Yeah, he said he
didn't want to pay an extra thirty three percent in taxes,
but he didn't want to just leave it at like,
and that's why I'm voting for Donald Trump this year.
He made an Instagram video where he said, fuck sleepy
(25:28):
Joe Biden, suck my dick, nigga, I'm not paying another
thirty three percent in taxes. And it was like, all right,
little pump, this seems excessive. It doesn't make scessive, and
I don't think so he's the what you have to
pay an extra thirty percent in taxes. I think a
lot of people of a certain wealth are now worried
(25:50):
that Joe Biden has who has been pretty open about
wanting to tax the wealthy differently than Trump has been
taxing them, is suddenly going to it to the most
extreme taxing in all of history, when in fact, he's
probably just gonna like charge them a little extra from
what they previously were being charged. You'll be fine, But
(26:14):
that's not how rappers deal with their problems. You know.
Here's the thing, though, I wish people could see a
little pump and be like, oh, good for a little
pumping his millions of dollars. I don't have millions of dollars,
so I would like his so jis taxes. Sure, that's
not people's mentalities are right, and that's a good point.
(26:36):
The instinct should be, oh, little pump got a lot
of money. I'm trying to get some of that money.
I would love for that money to go towards infrastructure
in schools this year have like little pump university state
institutions because he got tax just a little bit more. Sure,
But instead we're like, we gotta protect little pumps money.
(26:58):
It's so wild. But like people who don't make any
money are like, yeah, we gotta follow little pump. Mm
hmm man. Okay, So let's unpack a little bit more
of this conspiracy theory. Obviously, black people do technically crack right,
but there is a lot of evidence that we do
(27:18):
look good and look better than our white counterparts all
the way up until the day that we die. Scientific evidence,
not just stuff you read and then go on and
spread to strangers until someone else refutes it and tells
you to say something different. So let's start with the beginning.
One of the things that they say makes black skin
(27:42):
age better is the amount of collagen and melanin in
black skin. So obviously melanin is the pigment that we
produce for our skin that protects us against UV rays.
And in nineteen seventy nine, this person k K B
found that on average, five percent of ultra violet A
rays penetry Caucasian skin, while fewer than eighteen percent get
(28:06):
through black skin, which is why, like our photo aging
is different, right that, Like they're just soaking up all
these rays and it's you know, wearing down their flesh
in a way that black skin tends to reflect and
not so. So the sun is literally melting white people
from the outside in. That's right, that's wild. They are
(28:31):
sun dried tomatoes of human beings. And while delicious, that's
not exactly a great look for you physically. This is incredible. So,
like I wear sunscreen, so all black people should wear sunscreens,
so then none of the rays penetrate you and you
stay young forever. That's right, you want, I think you
(28:52):
would like as few rays of as possible based off
of the research that I've seen to be uh sort
of getting into you. And they said mixed people myself
tend to fall in the middle, which makes sense, so
we will age better than our white counterparts, but not
nearly as good as our darker skin counterparts. Okay, so
(29:15):
I was you know, this hasn't been a good week
for me as far as stuff I'm gathering. But you know, yeah,
but you got a little bit of protection. Your half sure,
half protective. I don't know your racial makeup. I shouldn't
have said half protective. No, it's exactly right, It's exactly right.
(29:36):
He nailed it. So then it talks a little bit
about why Asians don't age the way that white people do,
and it said that Asian people actually have a different
kind of melanin called feel melanin, which is why it's similar,
but it basically is a different I guess like tone
of it, and they have a lot of this feel
(29:58):
melanin that basically allows them the age at a slower
rate than white people as well. Okay, yeah, so there's
some science here. Now here's where it gets a little
less exciting is although this is obviously good, there are
some downsides to black skin. So black skin is more
(30:19):
prone to discoloration, dark spots, pigmentation, and keyloid scarlet, right,
which is why you know a lot of times we
have these big scars on our bodies and weird places
from small cuts. My mom had a scar on her
arm for years that was like from a small like
(30:41):
razor cut, but it turned into like a giant key
lloyd because that, I guess happens a lot more with
melanated skin. M m m m m. Yeah. Before I
got my nose ring, they were like, do you get keloids?
And I was like, what do you mean? They're like
black people get keyloids, so like you might have a
keylod on your nose if it doesn't heal right? And
I was like what no? And I was like Pierson,
(31:02):
I was like, I hope it heels well? Right? Why
did you wait till I sat down and tell me? Yeah?
It's like this could have been told me in the
waiting room. I was filling it all the paperwork, all right.
I might have not signed my name on that that
line that you asked me to had I known any
of that. Wait, Linkston, do you scar poorly? About? Do
(31:25):
you do? You? Guess? I think you're doing fine? Yeah, listen,
do you scar poorly? Thank you for asking Nicole. I, Uh,
I think so I tend. I think I tend to
key Lloyd more than uh the average person. And I
(31:45):
think I imagine some of that has to do with
like genetic ship that like if my mom gets a
lot of key Lloyd's, I'm probably gonna get a lot
of key Lloyd's, and black people just pass that down
to each other more frequently than white people do, if
that makes sense. It does. I get like dark spots
I have, Like I don't like my If I cut myself,
(32:06):
it won't heal, Like I'll just have a scar for
the like forever. I have so many scars on me. Oh,
and it's like simple cuts, not like something that like
should have left any marketing. But sometimes they'll fade away.
So like I had to cut on my looking for
it on my hand and it was like on my finger,
and I have the scar for like a super long time.
(32:28):
But I think it's like finally faded. I have a
scar in the middle of my forehead that I don't
think it's ever going to fucking fade. And then what
happened in the middle of your forehead? I fell down.
It's a rather long story. I got knocked down by
a homeless man in Central Park and I was drunk.
(32:53):
It's honestly the dumbest story. Okay, here was the cliff
notes version. I was blacked out drunk. We were playing
photo scavenger hunt, so we had like a whole list
of stuff that we had to take photos with. And
I got off the train because I had to pee,
and I said I'll be right back. Trains don't let
you do that. So then I was like, you yelled
it at the conductor as he's out, I'll be right
(33:14):
back and he's like, nam, we're leaving you. You're trying
to pee on the platform. So then I went above ground. Also,
I didn't have a purse because I gave it to
my friend and I went to Central Park to look
for them, and then unhoused friend, I was like, do
you want to smoke weed? And I was in the
early twenties and I said yes please. I never turned
out and then he was like rolling this blunt and
there was like sticks in it, and I was like
(33:36):
that's not wait and I started screaming and then he
hit me on my jaw and then like not super hard,
but like to be like shut up, and then you
blowing up my st Should I legal yet? Yeah, this
is like ten years ago. We could be arrested. And
I was hammered, so I lost my balance and fell
(33:58):
without putting a single arm out to my fault. Wow,
you full on did that thing? What are those like
those topsy things that like you punch them and they
like fall straight and then bounce back. And that's exactly
what I did. And I didn't bounce back. I just
it was a thud. And I lived there and he
was like, oh no, oh, well, I'm glad I killed
(34:20):
a black lady because nobody will come looking. Do do
do do? Wow? That's horrifying. Uh huh. But you know
she's still living. She hasn't fully cracked, she hasn't fully cracked,
but she bears the scar of the girl who lived.
Yeah it no, I can't see it at all. Let's
(34:45):
see if you can. I can, Okay, I can see
a little something. This is great for our listening, hearing
me hearing me vaguely see a scar over a zoom.
You know they'll keep them engaged. You have to remember
(35:06):
it's a audio medium. Okay, here's where the research really
took me into something that I got excited about. Recently
in a Rutger's New Jersey medical study suggested that black
people are born with denser bones in their face, and
these bones also don't break down as quickly, especially the
(35:30):
bone between the eyes and the cheekbones, which is part
of the reason that we age so much better than
our white counterparts. So I'm literally I'm big boned. It's
I'm big. I'm big boned. Wipe your eyes, stop crying.
(35:52):
What are you crying for? Just fat my face, all
these beautiful, dense bones. Oh, I've never been so happy
that my bones were heavy. Yeah, it's fascinating. They fucking
love that we had bigger, denser bones. Yeah, it's so
(36:13):
it got me excited at first, and then I started
to get nervous. And it's where I'll take you down
where my brain goes always. But I got nervous because
when you start saying that we have a different biological
makeup than white people, it starts to get into that
space where like we're measuring skulls like eugenics. Do you
(36:34):
know what I mean that? Like, there was an entire
science at one point in this country that basically went
like their heads are like monkey heads. So they should
be slaves and the rest of us should be out
living in the world. And so while I'm excited that
we don't age the same way, I am nervous that, like,
who came up with this ship? You know what I mean,
(36:54):
what's your plans? Okay? I hope the person who like
this had a friend it was like, yes, I'll donate
my skull to science, and then they're like, oh cool,
this is really great. And then that's how they figured
it out, and not that they like dug up an
old black light and I'll get our Yeah, I don't
understand how experienced experiments like that happened. Well I'm glad
(37:17):
you're bringing that up, because I looked up where it
came from, and it comes from this dude name Boris Passover. Right, Yeah,
Boris ain't a good start. But Boris was doing a
study back at Yale in likeeen on the bony structure
of the aging face, right, just general faces. But he
(37:39):
was doing it at Yale, and so all of the
people that were coming to his study or sort of
being offered as patients for his study were white people,
Like literally every single one of his patients was white.
And then he gets transferred, he gets a new job
over in New Jersey. He's working in Newark, and suddenly
(37:59):
he is doing the exact same study, but half of
his patients are now black because New Orks are more black,
more diverse city. And so what he realizes the products
that he was receiving, the things that he's getting out
of this study are showing completely different results when he's
looking at the black people instead of the white people.
(38:20):
It's fucked up that a lot of experiments and a
lot of research is done with white as the base,
and then they don't look at anything else and then
are surprised when they find different results with different people.
It's like, yeah, and it's the same thing with mental illness.
A lot of mental illness is studied only in men
and not women. So like, we just figured out what
(38:43):
a d D or a d h D looks like
in little girls and women, And I was like, that
could have helped me when I was a child. You know,
it wasn't just chatty because I was a girl, fucking
chatty because I couldn't concentrate. That's exactly, and listen, that's
how they get you. I think you're exactly right that
(39:03):
this is a weird both an encouraging thing, right, that
he discovered, oh shit, this entire group of people is
different than this group of people. I want to study that.
I'm encouraged by that. Blah blah blah. But there's something
really sad about the idea that he had to go
to fucking nerk and he would have never even thought
to look at black people unless he was put in
(39:25):
circumstances where he was forced to look at black people.
Right in the same way that to your point, you
don't discover as a young lady that you have a
d h D or some sort of attention issue because
they're not treating you as the subject. They're just treating
you as like a girl doing girl stuff. We don't
know that ain't science. She's just a girl. Yeah yeah,
(39:49):
fully wild. And then I was like, I think my
mom is a d D. You know, it's a whole thing.
It's a whole, fun little mystery to figure out. I
love that you were just going around the house accused
and everybody you look under your chairs. You no, no concentrate,
look under the chair, stop looking over here. But I
(40:14):
think one of the larger things that this sort of
left me with one of the larger feelings, fears, and
celebrations that it left me with is while it's beautiful
that black people in fact do not crack, that our
bones are our dentser, we got them big bones, as
you put it, it also made me really sad about
how many resources are black people being left without because
(40:38):
science didn't want to do the work all of them.
I'm sure there's a very nice way to stop hypertension
and diabetes and black people, it's just not studied in
black people, so we suffer. Yes, I'm sure there's a
very simple fix to it, but you know, you have
to run tests, and you have to It takes a
while to figure it out, but you know, right, you
(41:01):
have to be down to do the work for the
community that actually is suffering, not just do the work
for the community you're trying to protect. Thanks. Yeah, that's it,
you heard. There's no other reason for us to keep
(41:21):
talking in this. We're gonna take a break. We'll be
back with more, Nicole Buyer, more, my mama told me.
And we are back. Do you ever feel, you know,
(41:42):
not so fresh? No? No, yeah, we're back here with more,
my mama told me more. Nicole Buyer. You only have
a genuine reaction. Mama, do you ever feel not so fresh?
I would never ask my mother if that They don't
remember that commercial? No is that? Yeah? It was for
(42:05):
like a douche product that they were selling when they
were still trying to convince women to vinegar their puss
of getting that that fragrance sent out. It's so wild
that some man was like, I'll eat her out. How
do we fin it? I don't know. Vinegar cleans after
(42:27):
you make this so like, I love that. Vinegar was
the first instinct he could come up with of like
that's how much he hated women. Was He was like,
I need something that I used to clean my house
and to like flush out like my insides is vinegar.
(42:47):
I'm not going with like flowers and dainty things. Killed
the smell. I wanted to be like an eating like
a wet piece of plastic, Like I don't want any smell.
Better be olderless, otherwise I can't enjoy it, even though
my balls smell like God knows what. Yeah, sometimes Pauls
(43:08):
are really upsetting. Not sometimes almost all the time. There
are some days where I smell myself and I'm like, God, damn,
I'm lucky. Somebody loves me. Oh that's nice think that. Yeah,
I put it in my vow, but apparently my wife
didn't care for that part. I don't like that part, right, lady.
(43:33):
It wasn't for you, it was for us. Sorry about it.
I'm a comedian. Did you forget? Did you do funny vows?
I did? I tried to, at least, I you know,
I felt I don't know if you feel this way.
If I don't do something funny in almost everything that
I do, I feel like I'm being dishonest to myself. Uh,
(43:56):
that is fully how I feel. For a while, I
was like, I think of any behind a wall, and
I was like, no, I genuinely love making people laugh.
You know. If I'm not doing that, then I'm doing
something weird. Yeah, it just feels like I'm pretending if
I'm not at least attempting to be funny. I'm fine
with bombing. Like, I'll try to be funny in something
(44:18):
that does not require really funny and bomb like a motherfucker,
and I do it all the time, but I gotta
at least try otherwise Papa feel sick. All right, let's
get into this game. I have a fun game for
us to play. I know you run a wonderful ninety
Day Fiance podcast. You have a podcast where you unpack
(44:38):
all of the happenings on ninety Day Fiance. I personally
am a massive fan of ninety Day Fiance. Didn't know. Okay,
do you watch the spinoffs as well? I do. Unfortunately,
I don't believe that you can watch the show and
truly call yourself a fan without then, you know, finding
yourselves in the Darcy and State seas of the world.
(45:01):
I love Darcy and Stacy. I don't think they are sick,
and I do watch it, and then this, like the
last couple episode, Stacy has been crying and I was like,
Stacy didn't even make up her bed. These pillows don't matter.
She's not wearing a lavish outfit, like what are we doing, Darcy?
(45:21):
And also their dad is from Cape verdie So I
call them my black queens, even though it's off the
coast of Africa. They might be like more Portuguese than anything,
but like thinking they're black, I've been I'll be honest,
I've been wondering this whole time what race they are.
And we had landed on Italian, but now that makes
more Yes, So people think they're Italian, but their dad
(45:42):
is from I believe his people are from cape Verday
and then their mom, I think is white, so they're
she's like half cape Verdian and a good way to be.
Like it's like Amber Roses cape Verdian. So it's like
they're like kind of like Amber Rosy. Do you watch
the family Chantel I do not. I lived, I will
say about cape verdi and people though I lived in
(46:03):
Boston for multiple years and one of the things that
you find out is Boston has like one of the
biggest cape Verdian populations in the US, and they are
infamous in Boston for being like insane wild people that
like one of the most dangerous parts of the city
of Boston is completely made up of cape Verdian people,
(46:25):
and they blame them for every bad thing that happens
in the city. Yep. So all that crazy that's in
Darcy and Stacy apparently is just the cape Verdian deep
in their room. This brings me joy but also makes
me sad. Sure, sure, you mean stigmatizing a group of people.
It doesn't feel good in your spirit. I don't think
(46:46):
I like that I don't think I like stereotyping are racism,
Those things are bad. Okay, all right, let's get into
this game. We've got a very important game game that
I like to call and this is a brand new game.
It's called ninety Day con Spirit saying, yeah, ninety day Conspiracy.
(47:19):
The way we're gonna play this game is, I'm going
to present to you a few of my personal favorite
people throughout the ninety Day Fiance multiverse, And what I
would love for you to do is just unpack whether
or not you think that they would make effective cult leaders.
Do you think that they could effectively lead their own cult,
ideally within the ninety day window that they have to
(47:41):
come to America and get married? So? Uh, Starting off,
he gave us a song about her, Let's go with
with baby Girl Lisa. How are you feeling about Lisa's
potential to lead a cult? I? Okay, just the fact
that Lucien was so dedicated to her, even though his
friends the Goofball's Light were like, she's discussed everyone in
(48:04):
his life was like, this woman is trash, she is disgusting,
and they even when they got married, he was like,
I think you have to wear a brawl with that
dress and she's like no, So I think she could
lead a cult specifically because she has this man entranced
by her and she literally looks like a wet cigarette,
(48:26):
Like she's just disgusting. She, I would argue, as one
of the most gruesome figures that has ever made their
way across the ninety fiance screen. In the fact that
he has found like a contentment in that uh leads
me to believe that she has to be persuasive in
some kind of way. I agree with you. I think
(48:47):
baby girl Lisa would make a pretty good cult leader. Okay,
let's let's go in a different direction. Muhammad of season two,
he dated Danielle and she had the three kids, and
he came and pulled a lot of shenanigids on her.
How are you feeling about his potential sex? That's right,
(49:12):
I do not think mommed but be an effective cult leader. Okay,
tell me why. He just he's not dedicated. He doesn't
understand that you need to make sacrifices. On their wedding day,
they were like, you may now kiss the Brian and
he said no, I cannot for religious reasons, and did
not expand on to what the religious reasons were that
(49:33):
then you have to do some of the dirty ships.
And the dirty ship is kissing your new wife Danielle.
That's right. He wouldn't even explain what part of his
religion was keeping him from doing it. He was just like,
not dog, it's that time of the month. I can't
do it. At the reunion, said she had a stinky
pussy on national television. That was that was unkind. He
(49:56):
wasn't a kind man. He also got other women pregnant
while he was married to her and was like traveling
to Florida to go he and he lost weight and
got like a cool haircut and just she said, I'm
gonna send you back to where you came from. Mohammed.
(50:16):
I would be a part of Daniel's cult. I could
listen to her all day. I love Oh god, I
couldn't for a second. I feel I never wanted to
get some kids out of a house more than when
she was like, the lights got turned off. This is
not a way to live. She's like, I love you, mom,
but right she wasn't even a good listener. He's like,
(50:38):
we got to get the lights back on, and she
was like, mommed, I love you, it's not good. It's
a bad set up. But okay, so Mohammed would not
make a good cult leader. So here's my wife's favorite.
She loves an Fisa. How are you feeling about an
Fisa being a potential cult lead? And I think she
could be a cult leader because she's terrifying. See the
(51:01):
way this woman screams is intense. And George was just like,
here's your makeup bag, and she like, yeah, she would
scream you into the cult. Yes, I think that she
would make an effective cult leader. It would have to
be some version of a sex cult. But that a
sex cult that doesn't allow you to have sex with them.
(51:24):
Uh Like it's it's a weird setup. But I do
think that she has all the potential to at least
break the brain of another human being. I agree. Okay,
here's one that I think would be interesting. Let's talk
Tom Tom Darcy infamy. So something in me is like, yes,
(51:45):
Tom would be a good cult leader because he strung
with Darcy along and you know, would do things where
he was like I would have proposed to you if
we had gone on the vacation. I wanted to go on,
but then I was like it takes a woman like
Darcy to be susceptible to that. So then I was
like no, But then I said yes, because there's lots
(52:07):
of women like Darcy. I think you're on a cult.
I think it would only be filled with women. I agree,
And I think that there's not a big difference between
Tom and Keith Rnery. Do you know what I mean that?
Like the next hum guy like, I'm not I'm not
into it. Oh you're not into it? Okay, Well, the
same energy of like you find some broken individuals, some
people who need this kind of energy, and then you
(52:29):
just maximize it. Could he lead a big, famous cult.
Probably not, but he could get about six or seven
goofballs in the house and and have them doing push
ups that weird talents at night. You know what I mean.
I believe in Tom in that way. I believe in
Cob too. Yeah, he'll give everyone a key the Wonder
to some weird gold key that clearly doesn't work on
(52:53):
anyone's home. My favorite thing about that key was they
stayed in the airbnb. They do even stay at his house,
so like, what was the key too? And also Darcy
has been disrespected on so many continents. She has, and
if only she could settle into herself enough to go,
like meet a man at the grocery store, but no,
she keeps going on these weird international dating websites. Well,
(53:17):
she finally got Georgie. I think Georgie is the one.
I know you don't mean that, but it's very exciting
to hear someone to say it out loud. I know
no humans ever meant that, but yeah, I can't wait
to see what happens with her Georgie. I'm very excited
(53:39):
about it. I'll hit you with one more and then
we'll close this bad boy out. Here's my personal favorite
person in the history of ninety day fiance is Angela.
How are we feeling about Angela and her potential to
lead a cult? Angela absolutely colita cult. She's already leading
a cult. She's got a hundred little black kids living
in her house. I don't know where they fucking came from,
(54:00):
but she has a lot of black children. She's got Michael.
Michael's submissive to her fault. I think those black kids,
I can't figure out if they're skyless kids or you know.
One of her other daughters is in jail for murder
and so and so maybe they belonged to the the
(54:23):
Murderer daughter, but TLC does no background checks and they
get the crem Dela creme of these insane people. They
truly just ask would you like to be on the show?
Person on the street, and then they give them six
years to figure it out. It's amazing. It's truly the
(54:43):
best show. And Nicole, this was such a fun time.
I had a great time chatting with hell. Yeah. Could
you tell the people where they can find you what
cool stuff you have going on? And he plugs. You
can sad me on Instagram or Twitter at Nicole Buyer.
You can watch Nailed It on Netflix. I have too
many podcasts. Why don't you date me? Best Friends ninety
(55:07):
day Bay on Patreon. Newcomers of Lauren Lattis, We're going
through Lord of the Rings right now. Wouldn't would a franchise? Um? Yeah? Yeah,
and that's it. I don't know. If you want me
to like make some money, watch the episodes of Brooklyn
nine nine so I get some residuals. Yeah, watch those
residual episodes of Brooklyn nine nine, only those no other episodes,
(55:29):
and uh follow her on all that stuff and feel
free to follow me at Langston Kerman. And please, if
you have drops or questions or conspiracies or voicemails you
would like to send me, send them to my mama
pod at gmail dot com. I would love to hear
from you. Okay, we did it by by by moving
(56:02):
homest I have most looking because she did turn the
stuff and can't tell me about my love
Hosts And Creators
Langston Kerman
David Gborie
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