May 17, 2022 • 46 mins
Was hair relaxer invented by white people to brainwash black people? Langston and guest Bianca Cristovao (Loving in America) talk about the science of hair relaxers and how the chemicals seep into our brains. Is it for mind control, or even worse?
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
You know what's what's sad for me is uh, I
didn't relax my hair and I'm still doing the same
ship you do. So what the funk happened to me?
You know what I mean? Like you have brain damage,
that's clear from the relaxer. But me, I maybe maybe
I'm just fucked up from the beginning. That's even worse.
Maybe since you know it all started with the loop. Yeah,
(00:24):
maybe these loobes, these various things I was using to
jerk off, we're apparently also frying my brain somehow racist
(00:48):
money stuff I can't tell me. Yep, yep, yep. There
it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to
another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me, the podcast
where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of black
(01:10):
conspiracy theories and we finally worked to prove that logic
is black in the same way that McDonald's is serving
us chicken. You know what I mean, Those chicken nuggets
ain't really chicken, but you can imagine how chicken existed
inside of the space that is the food that's being
served to us. Same things happening with logic in his blackness.
(01:33):
I think it's pretty clear that that somewhere in there
there was a black relationship of sorts, but now it's
mostly just pink sludge that's being served up to us
with a lot of depressing anecdotes wrapped around it. You know,
I'm your host, Lankston Kerman, coming in, coming in, misbehaving
as always coming in hots as I used to say, uh,
(01:56):
And I'm happy to be here. It's it's it's a
beautiful day here. I'm still trapped in New York City.
I say trapped because I'm terribly unhappy here. But I'm
gonna be back in l A soon and I'm gonna
be back in my apartment where WiFi works perfectly, and
uh apartment, I live in a home, and my wife
and my child there, and I won't have to be
(02:17):
so sad all the time. Anyway, My my guest today,
she ain't sad, not even a little bit. And she
she had a harrowing story that I hope she tells
us more about when she gets on the recording. But
that's neither here nor there. She's not sad because she's hilarious,
super talented actress, comedian. You know her from all kinds
(02:37):
of ship so funny. Please give it up for my guests.
Bianca Christop, I yeah, hell yeah, you're lying. But that's
not that's not for the people at home to know.
I won't tell Hell good, I'm good, I'm happy I
(02:58):
made it. I'm so sorry. I was late. I was late.
I almost got kidnapped at a gas station. Why what
happened at this gas station? Why? What were the what
was the entirety of the incident? Well, I, you know,
I was just getting gas and I'm getting my gas
and I'm listening to podcasts and the night turned and
I see a guy trying to get into my car. So,
(03:20):
you know, as a half white woman, I started screaming
and then somebody helped removed the man from my car.
Did he did he like get in the car and
he was like, dry, bitch, I'm trying to go to
the third street. Like what was Did he say what
his plan was getting in your car? He didn't say
what his plan was? No, he was not very here
(03:41):
in Maybe he thought Ada was is uber, you know,
maybe I don't know. Well I did he get in
the front seat? Yeah, yeah, not the driver though, not
the driver's seat, the passenger seat. So that was interesting. Yeah,
I don't think anybody gets in French seat if they
(04:01):
if they think that's the uber, they're not like, uh,
are you my uber? I want to sit next to you.
Before COVID, I would sit in front, you would sit
in the front. That's that's truly psychopathic behavior. That's like
jail worthy behavior. Before COVID it was normal. I don't
(04:22):
think so. I don't think at any point where any
of your drivers allowing you to sit in the front
seat because it was normal. I think they were allowing
you to do it because they are underpaid and just
need the rides. But it wasn't because they were like
the stars. Yeah, this is a perfectly normal decision by
a healthy person. Well, I you know, I feel sick
in a car, so there's a reason for it. So
(04:44):
if I'm saying so, sitting up front sort of alleviate
some of that. Yeah, it makes you feel like you're
more in control, which is illusion obviously, But okay, Well
I still think it's nutty, but I respect that this
is this is you trying to manage what otherwise might
be you barfing in someone's vehicles. Yes, look, we don't
(05:07):
have time to talk about your your crazy front seat
behavior anymore because you came to me with a conspiracy
theory that I think is gonna be It's gonna be
a great conversation. I'm very excited that we're digging into this,
and I won't delay it anymore. You said, my mama
told me was created about white people to brainwash black people.
(05:30):
It's all about the chemicals getting in your brain. Correct, correct,
And my mama would tell me everything. Oh you, your
mom is white, and there you know what I mean.
(05:52):
So so let's let's start from the beginning, because they
already were accusing your mother of disastrous things. Where where
did you first come upon this conspiracy theories? This of
your own making or is this one that you've heard? No,
it is on my own making. But with that set,
it's based on another conspiracy which I believe it is true,
(06:16):
which is that relaxers are extremely dangerous to women and
and they can cause cancer, and they can cause all
kinds of stuff. And obviously who's using relaxers Only black people.
So you know, there is my conspiracy theory that I
actually believe in, and then off of that I built
my own, which is two brainwashes. Whoa Okay, so it
(06:38):
started at what sounds like a level of real research. Yeah,
it sounds like a level of real research. Yeah, you
were like, no, this is an actual found thing that
I I know to be true or at least believe
to be true. And then you're like, and I bet
they're doing some brainwashing ship and okay, what do you
(06:59):
think Let's let's follow this train, because this is very
exciting to me. I I don't know how how familiar
you are, but I love a good toxic take on
on most things. So so help me understand. What do
you think they're they're intending to do with this brainwashing? Like,
is there a specific type of brainwashing? What? What's their
(07:20):
goal here? Well, I think first of all, we have
to go a little bit bad. So imagine, like you
use these relaxers since you're a little girl, Like the
first time I used mine, I was probably like ten
years old, So it starts very early on. Okay, so
you're just to be clear, you are a veteran in
this game. This isn't just a person used to do it.
(07:41):
And then I stopped when I was a teenager. And
then you know, at the same time, I also you know,
I kind of woke up too many to me this
and stuff. So you know, you see the you see
the co incidence there. I stopped using relax or some
suddenly I became a real black person. Before was quite whitewash.
I'm not gonna lie. Oh so for years, if I'm
(08:04):
understanding you correctly, for years you sort of were, uh,
we're working, not let's not say against. You were working
not necessarily in favor of sort of like your black identity.
You weren't sort of like treating that is, like the
way that you identified And then in taking the relax
or out of your hair, you started to see yourself
(08:26):
more as a black person. I think something like that.
Yes it's not as simple, but yes, okay, it wasn't
the relaxer itself that did it, but it it played
a part. Maybe it it was a part of a
longer growth in your life. Okay, I've long maintained this conspiracy,
and I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this. I
(08:48):
do think that white mom sometimes plays its part in
the way that people identify themselves. It mixed people specifically
identify themselves in the world like I have. I am
also biracial. My dad is white, and I think white
dad's play far less of a role in the way
(09:09):
that you like sort of like see yourself as Like
I never at any point saw myself as anything other
than a black man, and I think it's because having
a black ass mom makes you sort of feel that way,
whereas a lot of the people who I know who
have white moms struggle more with oh, this is how
I identify. This is where you know. It's funny because
(09:31):
I used to think until right now that it was
a matter of being a black girl and having a
black mom. But now you know, from your point of
view as being a black man having a black mom
and having the same experience, you might be onto something.
You know. I thought it was the whole thing about
your mother, mother, father, father, about you were telling you're
proving me wrong. So that's interesting. Damn all right, well
(09:55):
this let me ask you this. So so was her
mom the one that was encouraging you to relax your hair?
That's also very complicated. So my mother was the one, well,
definitely encourage some bad stuff, but I think the hair relaxed,
and she didn't necessarily encourage because it's expensive, you know,
(10:16):
and we didn't have money. So she was like, now
you shouldn't you shouldn't be doing that, you know, because
like it's you know, it's bad for your hair. So
she actually did not completely encourage that. No, okay, so
she she was on the side of of the justice
you eventually found uh without knowing it. With that said,
(10:38):
the reason why I'm saying it's more complicated than that
because she's a blonde woman in beautiful, long blonde hair
that I always wanted to have. Right looking at her,
I'm like, that's what I you know, you're my role model.
That's what I want to achieve, you know. And I
was also looking at Beyonce and I didn't understand back
then that you know that that's the fake. I thought
that was her hair, and I my brain, yeah, that
(11:01):
ain't her hair. That's a whole week that lady was wearing.
But those blonde roots are not naturally that color and
certainly not growing out of that scalp exactly. I would
look at those magazines, magazines in the you know, in
that hairplace where I would go to, and I'd be like,
I want to look like Beyonce. Well I don't. I
(11:22):
just like, okay, so you're you're wanting to look like Beyonce.
You're relaxing your hair, You're trying to to emulate to
some extent your mother. At what point what happens that
sort of like wakes you up, shakes you from this?
I can tell you exactly what happened. So I was
going to friends, and I was so excited to spend
(11:43):
my summer in friends. I'm like sixteen years old, and
I'm like so ready, and I'm I've been like saving
up and like I've been excited, and I, you know,
go to the place to get my hair relaxed, you know,
by the way by a black woman. I just want
to stress it out. I want to stress that I
was a black African woman. I want to stress it
out because I want you get to know that I
trusted her, you know, I had so much trust in her.
(12:04):
She relaxed and it looks amazing. I look like Beyonce.
It's absolutely wonderful. And I go home and I start
touching it, you know, and swinging in back and forth.
And then suddenly I realized that, like my hair is
falling off, and I'm like the probably from I don't know.
You know, you make excuses when you're desperate, so and
(12:26):
I keep like touching it and more hair is falling
off and more hair is falling off, and then I realized,
I'm losing my hair, this big burn it all down,
like I'm gonna be bold. So by the time I
made it to France, I was basically bold, and I
had not cars. And yeah, and when we were when
we say bald, because I want to be clear, when
(12:47):
you say bald, I assumed there were still long strands
hanging on and then just the sies, it was really
burnt on top. So I looked like, you know, I
had a mullet, but like like you know those like
middle aged man who are like losing their hair but
they want to save it like that. That was yeah,
George GA stands it. You had a real like Larry David,
(13:08):
George Coastance David. Yes, that's what I was like. Fuck,
that is that is tragic, especially if you win in
and pointed at a magazine of Beyonce, who I assume
is not bald under there. I don't know what what
our natural hair really looks like, but I'm gonna go
not Larry David. Yeah, no, it was. That was heartbreaking.
(13:30):
And in the summer. In the summer, like in the
winter you can hide it, but in the summer you
cannot hide it. So you heard you? You show up
your Bald and France, which is a great film, by
the way, baldin France. It's a lovely film that I'm
hoping to produce this summer. But you're you're bald and France.
(13:53):
What do you do? Do you shave it all off?
Or you do you fully commit? No? I am I
am doing the middle age guy. I'm trying to preserve
the last remaining Oh yeah, of course I can totally.
By the way, I can totally. Um. Really, I to
sympathize with with men who lose their hair, like you
know from that experience. Yeah, I don't know. You then
(14:17):
thinking this will never grow back, like I'm just gonna
be I'm gonna have to like trump this ship from
now on. Oh wow, I didn't know. I didn't think that.
I was very much in the moment. I was thinking
I am bold now, and that's a problem. I wasn't
thinking like two three years from now. I was wearing
a lot of scarfs. When people ask I think at
(14:38):
some point, you know, I'm sixteen and I have so more.
There was also like a level of embarrassment that I
did the relaxer and this happened to me. I cannot
even explain. It was like a level that I would
rather tell people they had cancer to admit what I've
done cancer. Well, cancer is a hero's journey. That's that's
(14:59):
some body fighting through something. You volunteered to have your
your hair turned into a horse shoe, that is, that's
that's a fool's journey if nothing else mm hmm. So
from then on I was thinking about it. I had
the whole similar to think about it. As I was
putting my scarves in my head and I was like,
(15:21):
who would come up with the product like this? Like why?
Why would you want to do why would you want
to raise this? Why would you want to do this
to women? Like why? And that product is evil and
burns your hair? And so you're sitting there, you go,
who would come up with such an evil product? Who
would want to hurt when? And then you put your
(15:42):
hands together in a triangle and you said, the white
devil is the only person I can think of who
would be this this evil? Is that where we're at? Absolutely,
first they convinced you that you need to have straight hair,
and then they'll show you a path of evil to
(16:03):
achieve it. And is their plan to to just make
you less because I guess this is circling back to
the original question. Is there their plan with this brainwashing
and sort of their evil, uh misdeeds? Is it to
just make you less black, to make you feel less confident? What?
(16:25):
What is the ultimate goal of their dastardly efforts to
make you feel less confident, to make you feel um
powerless in this world? And uh, to make you distracted
(16:46):
because you're huge. You're so worried about your hair, you
don't have time to worry about other things in the world. Sure,
I can't work on climate change if I've got to
keep calmbing over you know exactly like I truly we
could have resolved what's happening to the polar bears if
only I weren't sitting with like these massive ball spots
(17:10):
from the severe. We would only have electric cars in
this world if it wasn't for relaxers. This is devastating news.
If true. I don't know that we can necessarily prove
it yet, but I'm excited to be following this journey
with you. Because it seems like the white man is
(17:31):
the root cause for all things terrible, and that's really
the major theme of this podcast. Again, I don't know
how familiar you are, but we truly walk away from
every episode and we say fuck you white devil, and uh,
that's that's usually the end, I think. So you're right
on track, you're doing great. Oh yeah, thank you, thank you,
thank you. And I just think it was the chances
(17:55):
before we go to break. This is the last question
I asked, what's the chances your mom's listening to this?
Is she a big fan of of your comedy? Where
she at in all of them? My mother doesn't speak
English very well, so I you know, I am fearless,
and everything I say about her and great my childhood
(18:18):
and all that, she's perfect. So there's no chance she's
gonna throw this into Google translation, and even if it does,
it's going to be mostly unintelligible afterwards. Yes, exactly, I
have no I have no fear perfect. Well, then we're
gonna keep talking ship. We're gonna come back after this
break with more Bianca, cristal about and more. My mama
told me and we are that we don't say the
(18:54):
n word around two year old. Yeah, we're back here
with more Bianca Christo vile more. My mama told me,
we're still talking about the possibility that relaxers were used
to brain wash black people by the white devil. This
is the conversation we're having. Do you think, uh, it's
(19:15):
it's all relaxers or they're like specific ones that are
like especially cooked up by you know, white witchcraft as
it were. Well, I am very excited for these for
this particular research, because we already know that most hair
you know, most hair companies that black women use are
(19:36):
not black owned, right, so it's very interesting to find
these relaxing you know, these relaxers are owned by black people.
And if they are not, I say, all those that
are not owned by black people are definitely part of
my conspiracy. If there's one or two that are owned
by black people, those might be the ones that you
guys are safe to use, Okay. I like, okay, you're
(19:56):
you're saying, Look, if they're owned by white people, you
can't trust them, period, There's no no other explanation. Uh.
And if they are owned by black people, then maybe
there's some consideration we can give them. Maybe and there's
a hard him on that. Maybe hard. All right, let's
(20:17):
talk a little bit about what you're saying, because that's
not completely untrue. There there's a fair amount of evidence
that says that even the products, the the ethnic hair
care stuff that you often find in your your Walgreens
locked up under heavy lock and key for some reason
because they're worried us are gonna run run in and
(20:40):
steal hair grease and and rung and slick hair that
we couldn't afford. H is often owned by some larger
white conglomerate, i e. Dark and Lovely and UH and
Optimum Care, both of which are black hair care products,
are actually owned by Loreal, which couldn't be wider as
(21:02):
as I understand, Yes, exactly now to your original question,
or rather your original conspiracy theory of the fact that
or or suggestion that white people invented relaxers, I am
in the unfortunate position to tell you that you are
not correct on that one. Relaxers were actually invented by
(21:25):
a dude named Garrett Morgan. Garrett Morgan you may actually
know he's a notable name in black history because he
is not only the major inventor of relaxers. But he
is also credited as the inventor of the smoke hood,
which is the predecessor for the gas mask, and he
is also the inventor of the stoplight. So this motherfucker
(21:47):
was all over the place with his So he was
working on a stoplight. Are you serious the stoplight that
we're using right now for cars? He he invented the
greg and he was like, you know what, let's relaxed
that what. Well, this is where it gets even crazier
because I agree with you, there's no part of me
(22:09):
that wants to put my faith in a man who
invented the stoplight to then work on black hair care products.
That's not It's not usually how I approach my hair
care products. It's like, I bet that dude who knew
to put the red above the yellow is uh, is
somebody I should trust with with all of my ship
on my head. Now here's where it gets interesting, because
(22:33):
he invented relaxers, or rather the serum as it were,
for relaxers, but he didn't mean to. It was actually
a complete accident. He was making a lubricant for sewing
needles in a sewing machine, like a new special lubricant
that was helped to helping to make the needles move
smoother and faster. And the product, the sort of like
(22:56):
chemical he created, he then spilled on his arm and
all on his arm here, yes, so it lands on
his arm hair. And then he noticed this that his
arm hair gets silky smoothed out of nowhere. This little
chemical makes his arm hair silky smooth, and he goes,
that's that's something that's pretty cool. And then this is
(23:18):
where this motherfucker turns into a real sick oh, because
he takes that product and then he says, I want
to see if this actually works in you know, a
grander scale, And so he starts experimenting on his neighbor's
dog with the chemical. He takes his neighbor's dog and
he starts dipping the dog, and he starts dipping the
(23:40):
dog headfirst, and the dog it's just like a golden retreat.
But that's already a white like that dog has straight
hair or is it? Apparently, and I'm cautious to say
it the way that I planned to say it, but
this is also the choice I made. Apparently it was
a real nappy headed dog. He found a real nappy
headed neighbor's dog, and he started dipping the dog and
(24:02):
he and he noticed that that dog came out with
gorgeous silk locks that that previously did not exist. And
then he started to experiment on himself. He started putting
the products in his own hair and uh and smoothing
his own hair, straightening his own hair, and then he
started marketing it to the rest of the U. Yes,
(24:26):
so this guy is black, yeah, scary, very glad or
whatever it was the early nineteen hundreds. Okay, show men,
can you show me your hands real quick? My hand? Yeah, yeah,
I know. I want to see I want to see
the forearm. What does my form look like? Oh, you're
you're trying to see if I have hair to be
able to do the experiment. That's what I'm saying. I
(24:48):
don't believe. I don't believe this guy has dropped some
lubricant on his arm, because, like you know, black man
that are not known to have very hairy arms, and
then he knows that know that there it goes. Michael Spressy.
I think this guy was jerking off with this new loopie.
Oh you don't think it landed on his arm. You
(25:10):
think it hit his pubic region from from him being like, man,
this lubricant is so smooth, it's better than lotion. I'm
gonna I'm gonna beat my meat with this sewing machine
lubricant and see what happens. That's my that's my theory. Wow.
If true, you have you have ruined Garrett Morrigan. Uh.
(25:30):
For every young person that was gonna write a special,
you know, book report on Garrett Morrigan and and what
he did for black history, now they have to include
that Garrett Morgan was beating his meat and accidentally discovered
how to straighten pubic hair, uh, and then decided, Yeah,
this is better than for public hair, I'll do it
(25:52):
to my my scalp hair as well. Wow. I think
so Garrett Morgan invented this thing, but to your original conspiracy,
and I have not jumped off board. Even though I'm
now relatively firm believer that Garrett Morgan, a black man,
(26:13):
invented it. I had. You haven't lost me in the
argument that maybe this is a there is a fair
argument that although white people did not necessarily invent relaxers,
they did find endless ways to capitalize on the invention.
Right that like, although it was made by a black man.
(26:33):
It was usurped and and made evil by white people
and and the white powers that be. M M, how
do you feel about relaxers? I have a daughter. I
would never put that ship in her hair. Uh, But
I also understand that we we generationally come from a
(26:56):
history where it made a lot of sense into terms
of the way that that people sort of saw themselves
the way that they were being asked to see themselves.
So I think it's an unfair thing on my end
to be like judgmental of anybody that had that felt
the need to do that, right. I wouldn't volunteer it
for anybody that I love or care about, because God damn,
(27:20):
that ship's you know, not good for you. No, you're
saying so, I think, And to be clear for any
of our listeners who are sort of curious as to
why they might be bad for you, there's a chip
ton of arguments that you can find for what relaxers
can do. And they say, according to some research, at
(27:42):
least relaxers can cause life threatening ailments such as reproductive problems,
heart disease, different forms of cancer, early puberty, fibroids, and
mental health disorders that shouldn't evil see mental health issue?
That goes back to my conspiracy. Yeah, it truly, it
(28:03):
goes back to your suggestion of brainwashing or at least
a type of like mind control that would happen if
you take this a certain amount of the relaxers or
take them in a certain form, right, m hmm Yeah.
Even more interesting, relaxers have been found to disrupt the
chemical balance of our bodies by entering our system via
(28:24):
cuts and burns. Now, why is burned specifically interesting because
relaxers often burn it literally, like when you apply it. Yeah,
well that's the reason, Yeah, exactly, telling her it burns
and she sat supposed to and I'm like, I don't
(28:46):
think so, my head is on fire. You know, maybe
if I didn't use relaxes, that could be a lawyer
or a doctor and not a comedian, you know what
I mean? Yeah, No, I do know what you mean.
And what a heartbreaking revelation for you to find this afternoon. Yeah, man,
(29:07):
I could have been anything I wanted, but I wanted
to relax my hair And now now I gotta tell jokes.
Uh two strangers and bars and ship Oh my god,
and my hair is not even straight one of the
things that it got me asking all of this information
is what what is in relaxers that could cause so
(29:27):
many terrible things to happen to the human body. And
one of the main chemicals that they say, the one
that they say is most harmful in relaxers, or certainly
most dangerous and relaxers, is a chemical called sodium hydroxide,
or as it's most commonly known in the streets. Lie.
(29:48):
Are you familiar with lie at all? No? Not at all?
You know for that I would have to be smart,
but we established that I never got there because I
and and what a shame because we all need to
learn about I. It's it's truly how can you function
in the world without knowing what the fuck LIE does?
I don't mean any of this, but LIE is a
(30:08):
product a chemical that is most commonly used for soap making,
candle making, homemade biodiesel, frosting glass, and for chemistry experiments.
This is one of the main chemicals that exist thing
in a relaxer, and it also is something people are
using to make bio diesels, but also so yeah, which
(30:32):
isn't super encouraging either, right that, like a lot of
our are sort of I guess, uh, everyday products include
chemicals that come with some level of caution if nothing else.
Mm hmm. So here's where LIE gets even more interesting
is that LIE, when it makes direct contact with human skin,
(30:56):
can cause extreme burns, much like what you're experiencing, or
you experience rather when you were on your your Great
Parisian adventure. It can also lead to blindness and death
if consumed, and LIE is in fact so powerful that
when combined with extreme heat, it can be used to
(31:16):
completely dissolve a human body within three hours. So actually
your question about me if I was worried that I
will ever grow hair again, it was a legit question.
I maybe I you know that that was positive a
possibility it could have burned me so deep that I
(31:36):
could have been built for the rest of my life.
That's right, and that's I think that's why I was
asking the question. And maybe you needed a little more
uh information to sort of make sense of it all.
But legitimately, there is a possibility that through these chemicals,
you can burn your flesh so badly that it it
salts the earth that there is no more growth able
(31:57):
to happen from those those spots. It's kind of interesting. Now,
you know how when like Mob I love Mob movies, right,
and they're always trying to make a body these up here,
they're just put it into like a bath of relaxer. Yeah, exactly.
You just dip a man in a big old tub
of dark and lovely and you you wait a couple
(32:18):
of hours and he'll he'll disappear, and he'll be gorgeous
when he does. Like device. Yeah, just it truly is
a a a jarring thing to be putting in someone's head,
(32:38):
specifically in the head of a child or a young person.
Give the fact that that your brain and body are
already sort of in a developmental state. They're they're already
figuring themselves out, and then suddenly you add chemicals to
them that potentially can be changing the way that their
chemistry naturally would develop. M hm okay. So the other
(33:03):
and this is the the the other product that I'll
tell you about, or rather chemical that I'll tell you
about that exists inside of these relaxers, a chemical called
sussenic acid, susanic acid, sussenic acid, I don't know, I'm
not French, but the susanic acid found in relaxers is
explicitly said to be kept away from skin, eyes, and
(33:26):
even clothing. A a company called bio Amber. This is
a company that manufacturers were manufacturers renewable chemicals, states in
their website that sussenic acid may be harmful if absorbed
through the skin. This is a chemical they're literally putting
inside a product that goes directly onto your scalp, and
(33:50):
instead they're being like, I wouldn't put that on anybody's skin,
and we make the chemical. Yeah. See that's that's is
getting darker and darker. Yeah, no, it's not. I again,
I this is always, I guess a difficult revelation for
my guests. But uh, it never turns out better when
(34:11):
we get into the research. You know what I mean?
You never read more. You're like, turns out relaxers actually
contain a ship ton of vitamin D. That's that's better
than sunny delight? Is there one good thing about them?
Is there a vitamin in it? Is there something nice?
I think the good thing is is perhaps the confidence
(34:31):
you could feel afterwards. If if that's the look you're
going for, you could look like the lady on the box.
You know, she's always swinging her hair and looking real
sensual back at at whoever is buying the product. And
and I'll be honest, I've always wanted to make love
to one of the ladies on the Dark and Lovely Box,
and so maybe you could feel like the Dark and
Lovely lady. But other than that, no, you're burning your
(34:53):
your brain and your scalp. My hair never never turned
out like that lady on the box. I'm so sorry
that happened to you. It did turn out. It sounds
like a a little bit of a Joe Pesci. Uh
you had you had a Joe Pesci thing going on,
And maybe that's okay, Maybe maybe that's pretty cool too.
Going back to that salon and I was crying to
(35:14):
that lady, Oh my god? Did she was she sympathetic? Did?
She said? Had a client there in a chair, and
I made a scene. I was like, you burned my
hair ball at this and I started ripping hair of
my head. WHOA does the scene? So you were willing
to sacrifice more hair from your already dwindling scalp. All too, Sorry,
(35:36):
it's not a big deal. And she gave me like
a product for free. By the way, I paid for it.
I paid her loads of money. Yeah, did she never
give me back the money, of course, not no, but
you did. What was the product? Was it more relaxer? No,
it was some some joel, you know, something like moisturizing
(35:58):
that obviously didn't keep my hair on my head. But
that was the promise she gave. I got you that
it was going to help to keep the hair from
did not. Obviously, it's wow. Well you remember that lady's name.
Should we should we shout her out one time, send
people to her her wonderful salon for more of her
(36:19):
impressive work. People, if you're ever in the Europe, don't
get your hair done in Europe. Just don't just wait
and carried out. Don't do it in Europe. Don't do it.
That's if you're going to France, just go the way
you are. Don't don't try to impress all these French
(36:42):
people with your your new hair, because sisters and brothers,
it ain't gonna work. It's it's gonna turn into something
you didn't plan for it. All right, we're gonna take
one more break. We'll be back with more Bianca, Christoph
Alan more. My mama told me, man, we are back.
(37:10):
People who were enslavery wished that they had curveside service
at Applebee's. Yeah, we're back here with more Bianca Christoval more.
My mama told me, we're still talking about the possibility
that you're frying your brains. Ladies and gentlemen, you are melt,
melting your insides when you put these these products in
(37:31):
your hair, and specifically, the white man is the one
that wants you to do this. Now here's where the
research for me becomes especially interesting because I kept, I
asked you a few times, what do you think the
white man's goal is in sort of like creating these
products and and asking black people to relax their hair.
(37:51):
And one of the things that it reminded me of
is the the sort of rich history this country has
of forcing black people will to wear their hair not
naturally in public spaces in order to to be presentable,
if you know what I mean. Mhm. There is a
(38:13):
ship ton of there are rather a ship ton of
examples of historically, and we've talked about a few of
them on the podcast already, of people being forced to
either cut their hair or treat their hair with products
in order to sort of be made more presentable for
workspaces and school spaces based on sort of white administrations
(38:36):
and overseers. Oh yeah, no, it's a it's it's a
real problem. And they, you know, it's so funny. They
do it even to themselves. I have friends, white friends
who have curly hair, and they tell me, like if
when my hair is curly, I have less men approaching me,
whereas my hair is straight, more men come up to me.
(38:58):
That happens to even like white woman. It's not you know,
it's bizarre. It's a bizarre thing. Yeah. I mean some
of it feels like it can be chocked up to
to socialization, right that, like you socialize enough and are
sort of like given these images of what is attractive
over and over again, and then those images become permanent
(39:23):
in a person's brain, whether intentional or unintentional. And so
that part I can sort of make sense of for
the white people, but I think for the black people.
I I especially think about like these stories of like
children who were sent home where I don't know if
you ever saw it, but there was that video of
like that kid who was on the wrestling team and
(39:44):
was forced to literally cut his dreads before a wrestling match,
and had a bunch of white people cutting his dreads before. Yeah, No,
it's it's a heartbreaking image to to sort of take in.
But they're literally surrounding him cutting his dreads off before
a wrestling match because the breath decided that his hair
(40:06):
wasn't legal for the match, as if it had somehow
allowed him an advantage that uh, this husky white boy
he was about to flip on his back head, you
know what I mean. Horrific, terrific it is. Yeah, obviously,
like the black hair has always been like a conversation debate,
and uh, and the relaxers are part of it, I suppose, yes,
(40:31):
I think I think even more devastating. One of the
things that I started to think about is like, uh,
the new laws that that are truly just coming into
place now. I think it was like earlier this year
for the first time that Congress had even been able
to introduce a potential law that says it's illegal to
(40:53):
tell black people or people of color that they have
to change their hair in order to participate eight in workplaces. Yeah,
I mean, and you know, it's so interesting because like
you know, you see, it was very interesting for me
to to to see even Michelle Obama never never with
her hair, you know, natural, like never not once. And
(41:16):
you know, I think that is in a way, you know,
that's an interesting observation. You know, I'm not saying she's
wrong for it. I just think it's interesting that we've
never seen it. Well, no, I think I think to
that point, it's what makes these conversations so complicated, right,
is like you find yourself in a position where the
world is expecting you to look a certain way, and
(41:37):
then we as as black people, as people taking in
these these people in positions of power, go well, why
won't you represent us the way we need to be represented?
And it becomes this weird in fighting rather than sort
of recognizing that the real danger is a group of
people suggesting that the way that we were in the
(41:57):
first place was not satisfactory, that it didn't it didn't
work as we would like it to work. Yeah, I
mean with that said, you know, bottom line is that
if you have any type of power or attention in
media and you do represent in a natural way, it
does inspire a little girl. So remember my story about Beyonce.
(42:18):
I wanted to like Beyonce. Now, Beyonce I think is
arguably extremely a positive you know influence. You know, for
young girls or you know back in the day, was
But who else inspired me to actually turn the natural
uh to to go natural journey was Kellyes, remember when
she came up with my milk shape, so so she
(42:40):
had natural hair and so it was like like one
of the first people I saw rocking her natural hairs
like that, yeah, be me. And then you know, I
gave up the relaxers and like, yeah, I thinking who
I am right now? And I think to that point,
it's It's part of the reason why representation is such
a hearty conversation shan right, is that it's not just
(43:02):
about needing to see an equal number of black people
to white people whatever, but it's saying that, like, if
we can show the actual diversity of what black people
look like, I can make more conscientious decisions about what
I should look like and what I should be doing
with my own body. That it maybe Beyonce is not
(43:23):
for all of us, and some of us need to
go the route of Calie or the route of fucking
Viola Davis or whoever to to help us see ourselves
out in the world. I love it and signed hell yeah,
well we've got two signatures so far. And if anybody
(43:44):
else wants to say, I don't know anybody else. So
this is it. We're gonna We're gonna send a petition
of two signatures to the government and say please stop
making relaxers, and they'll say what and and probably have
us murdered by the CIA. That's you know, relaxers. They
will have us murdered with relaxers. Sure, they're gonna dip
(44:07):
us in relaxer, much like that puppy that Garrett Morgan
dipped in the in the relaxer. And I have to say,
there's no evidence. I couldn't find any research that said
how long that dog lived after Garrett Morgan did that
to him. But I got to assume he didn't break
any records, you know what I mean. This wasn't a
dog that uh that made it to like twenty two.
(44:29):
I thought, you're gonna say, there's no evidence that he
actually harmed this dog. I thought, that's what you're gonna say.
Oh no, I've been very clear. He harmed the funk
out of that dog, and then he like he wrought
about it himself. That's how we know. Who knows. I
don't know if he wrote about it. Yeah, I'm sure
the neighbor wrote about it, like this black guy's torturing
(44:55):
my dog. He's like, I keep my dog keeps going
missing and coming back sexier than before. My dog goes away,
and then my dog comes back and I really want
to fuck my dog. And I don't know why, but
I think that Garrett Morgan has something to do with it. Well, Beyonca,
I think we did it. I think I think this
was This was a lovely conversation. I had a great
(45:16):
time with you. Could you tell the people at home
what you have going on? Any cool things and where
they can find you? Well, you can find me on
the Instagram and at Banta Christop bo I. I perform
quite a bit around Los Angeles. I'm gonna be at
the Comedy Store this weekend. I don't know that when
this episode gets released, but yeah, I I post about
(45:38):
it in my stories. So follow me and and then
and come get and come and see me live. I
cannot speak anymore. Tell yeah, So follow follow Bianca, see
her alive, do the thing. Don't don't threaten her with
any relaxes. She's been through enough. And as always, you
can follow me at Langston Kerman on all platforms and
uh and and please if you have can spiracy theories
(46:00):
of your own, If you have drops, if you have
any opinions you would love to send us, you can
send them to my Mama pod at gmail dot com.
I would love to hear from you. Otherwise, that's it
by bitch my crop chips in your rails. A Quala
(46:21):
bears are racist. The lastly, money part turney stuff. I
can't tell me
You know what's what's sad for me is uh, I
didn't relax my hair and I'm still doing the same
ship you do. So what the funk happened to me?
You know what I mean? Like you have brain damage,
that's clear from the relaxer. But me, I maybe maybe
I'm just fucked up from the beginning. That's even worse.
Maybe since you know it all started with the loop. Yeah,
(00:24):
maybe these loobes, these various things I was using to
jerk off, we're apparently also frying my brain somehow racist
(00:48):
money stuff I can't tell me. Yep, yep, yep. There
it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to
another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me, the podcast
where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of black
(01:10):
conspiracy theories and we finally worked to prove that logic
is black in the same way that McDonald's is serving
us chicken. You know what I mean, Those chicken nuggets
ain't really chicken, but you can imagine how chicken existed
inside of the space that is the food that's being
served to us. Same things happening with logic in his blackness.
(01:33):
I think it's pretty clear that that somewhere in there
there was a black relationship of sorts, but now it's
mostly just pink sludge that's being served up to us
with a lot of depressing anecdotes wrapped around it. You know,
I'm your host, Lankston Kerman, coming in, coming in, misbehaving
as always coming in hots as I used to say, uh,
(01:56):
And I'm happy to be here. It's it's it's a
beautiful day here. I'm still trapped in New York City.
I say trapped because I'm terribly unhappy here. But I'm
gonna be back in l A soon and I'm gonna
be back in my apartment where WiFi works perfectly, and
uh apartment, I live in a home, and my wife
and my child there, and I won't have to be
(02:17):
so sad all the time. Anyway, My my guest today,
she ain't sad, not even a little bit. And she
she had a harrowing story that I hope she tells
us more about when she gets on the recording. But
that's neither here nor there. She's not sad because she's hilarious,
super talented actress, comedian. You know her from all kinds
(02:37):
of ship so funny. Please give it up for my guests.
Bianca Christop, I yeah, hell yeah, you're lying. But that's
not that's not for the people at home to know.
I won't tell Hell good, I'm good, I'm happy I
(02:58):
made it. I'm so sorry. I was late. I was late.
I almost got kidnapped at a gas station. Why what
happened at this gas station? Why? What were the what
was the entirety of the incident? Well, I, you know,
I was just getting gas and I'm getting my gas
and I'm listening to podcasts and the night turned and
I see a guy trying to get into my car. So,
(03:20):
you know, as a half white woman, I started screaming
and then somebody helped removed the man from my car.
Did he did he like get in the car and
he was like, dry, bitch, I'm trying to go to
the third street. Like what was Did he say what
his plan was getting in your car? He didn't say
what his plan was? No, he was not very here
(03:41):
in Maybe he thought Ada was is uber, you know,
maybe I don't know. Well I did he get in
the front seat? Yeah, yeah, not the driver though, not
the driver's seat, the passenger seat. So that was interesting. Yeah,
I don't think anybody gets in French seat if they
(04:01):
if they think that's the uber, they're not like, uh,
are you my uber? I want to sit next to you.
Before COVID, I would sit in front, you would sit
in the front. That's that's truly psychopathic behavior. That's like
jail worthy behavior. Before COVID it was normal. I don't
(04:22):
think so. I don't think at any point where any
of your drivers allowing you to sit in the front
seat because it was normal. I think they were allowing
you to do it because they are underpaid and just
need the rides. But it wasn't because they were like
the stars. Yeah, this is a perfectly normal decision by
a healthy person. Well, I you know, I feel sick
in a car, so there's a reason for it. So
(04:44):
if I'm saying so, sitting up front sort of alleviate
some of that. Yeah, it makes you feel like you're
more in control, which is illusion obviously, But okay, Well
I still think it's nutty, but I respect that this
is this is you trying to manage what otherwise might
be you barfing in someone's vehicles. Yes, look, we don't
(05:07):
have time to talk about your your crazy front seat
behavior anymore because you came to me with a conspiracy
theory that I think is gonna be It's gonna be
a great conversation. I'm very excited that we're digging into this,
and I won't delay it anymore. You said, my mama
told me was created about white people to brainwash black people.
(05:30):
It's all about the chemicals getting in your brain. Correct, correct,
And my mama would tell me everything. Oh you, your
mom is white, and there you know what I mean.
(05:52):
So so let's let's start from the beginning, because they
already were accusing your mother of disastrous things. Where where
did you first come upon this conspiracy theories? This of
your own making or is this one that you've heard? No,
it is on my own making. But with that set,
it's based on another conspiracy which I believe it is true,
(06:16):
which is that relaxers are extremely dangerous to women and
and they can cause cancer, and they can cause all
kinds of stuff. And obviously who's using relaxers Only black people.
So you know, there is my conspiracy theory that I
actually believe in, and then off of that I built
my own, which is two brainwashes. Whoa Okay, so it
(06:38):
started at what sounds like a level of real research. Yeah,
it sounds like a level of real research. Yeah, you
were like, no, this is an actual found thing that
I I know to be true or at least believe
to be true. And then you're like, and I bet
they're doing some brainwashing ship and okay, what do you
(06:59):
think Let's let's follow this train, because this is very
exciting to me. I I don't know how how familiar
you are, but I love a good toxic take on
on most things. So so help me understand. What do
you think they're they're intending to do with this brainwashing? Like,
is there a specific type of brainwashing? What? What's their
(07:20):
goal here? Well, I think first of all, we have
to go a little bit bad. So imagine, like you
use these relaxers since you're a little girl, Like the
first time I used mine, I was probably like ten
years old, So it starts very early on. Okay, so
you're just to be clear, you are a veteran in
this game. This isn't just a person used to do it.
(07:41):
And then I stopped when I was a teenager. And
then you know, at the same time, I also you know,
I kind of woke up too many to me this
and stuff. So you know, you see the you see
the co incidence there. I stopped using relax or some
suddenly I became a real black person. Before was quite whitewash.
I'm not gonna lie. Oh so for years, if I'm
(08:04):
understanding you correctly, for years you sort of were, uh,
we're working, not let's not say against. You were working
not necessarily in favor of sort of like your black identity.
You weren't sort of like treating that is, like the
way that you identified And then in taking the relax
or out of your hair, you started to see yourself
(08:26):
more as a black person. I think something like that.
Yes it's not as simple, but yes, okay, it wasn't
the relaxer itself that did it, but it it played
a part. Maybe it it was a part of a
longer growth in your life. Okay, I've long maintained this conspiracy,
and I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this. I
(08:48):
do think that white mom sometimes plays its part in
the way that people identify themselves. It mixed people specifically
identify themselves in the world like I have. I am
also biracial. My dad is white, and I think white
dad's play far less of a role in the way
(09:09):
that you like sort of like see yourself as Like
I never at any point saw myself as anything other
than a black man, and I think it's because having
a black ass mom makes you sort of feel that way,
whereas a lot of the people who I know who
have white moms struggle more with oh, this is how
I identify. This is where you know. It's funny because
(09:31):
I used to think until right now that it was
a matter of being a black girl and having a
black mom. But now you know, from your point of
view as being a black man having a black mom
and having the same experience, you might be onto something.
You know. I thought it was the whole thing about
your mother, mother, father, father, about you were telling you're
proving me wrong. So that's interesting. Damn all right, well
(09:55):
this let me ask you this. So so was her
mom the one that was encouraging you to relax your hair?
That's also very complicated. So my mother was the one, well,
definitely encourage some bad stuff, but I think the hair relaxed,
and she didn't necessarily encourage because it's expensive, you know,
(10:16):
and we didn't have money. So she was like, now
you shouldn't you shouldn't be doing that, you know, because
like it's you know, it's bad for your hair. So
she actually did not completely encourage that. No, okay, so
she she was on the side of of the justice
you eventually found uh without knowing it. With that said,
(10:38):
the reason why I'm saying it's more complicated than that
because she's a blonde woman in beautiful, long blonde hair
that I always wanted to have. Right looking at her,
I'm like, that's what I you know, you're my role model.
That's what I want to achieve, you know. And I
was also looking at Beyonce and I didn't understand back
then that you know that that's the fake. I thought
that was her hair, and I my brain, yeah, that
(11:01):
ain't her hair. That's a whole week that lady was wearing.
But those blonde roots are not naturally that color and
certainly not growing out of that scalp exactly. I would
look at those magazines, magazines in the you know, in
that hairplace where I would go to, and I'd be like,
I want to look like Beyonce. Well I don't. I
(11:22):
just like, okay, so you're you're wanting to look like Beyonce.
You're relaxing your hair, You're trying to to emulate to
some extent your mother. At what point what happens that
sort of like wakes you up, shakes you from this?
I can tell you exactly what happened. So I was
going to friends, and I was so excited to spend
(11:43):
my summer in friends. I'm like sixteen years old, and
I'm like so ready, and I'm I've been like saving
up and like I've been excited, and I, you know,
go to the place to get my hair relaxed, you know,
by the way by a black woman. I just want
to stress it out. I want to stress that I
was a black African woman. I want to stress it
out because I want you get to know that I
trusted her, you know, I had so much trust in her.
(12:04):
She relaxed and it looks amazing. I look like Beyonce.
It's absolutely wonderful. And I go home and I start
touching it, you know, and swinging in back and forth.
And then suddenly I realized that, like my hair is
falling off, and I'm like the probably from I don't know.
You know, you make excuses when you're desperate, so and
(12:26):
I keep like touching it and more hair is falling
off and more hair is falling off, and then I realized,
I'm losing my hair, this big burn it all down,
like I'm gonna be bold. So by the time I
made it to France, I was basically bold, and I
had not cars. And yeah, and when we were when
we say bald, because I want to be clear, when
(12:47):
you say bald, I assumed there were still long strands
hanging on and then just the sies, it was really
burnt on top. So I looked like, you know, I
had a mullet, but like like you know those like
middle aged man who are like losing their hair but
they want to save it like that. That was yeah,
George GA stands it. You had a real like Larry David,
(13:08):
George Coastance David. Yes, that's what I was like. Fuck,
that is that is tragic, especially if you win in
and pointed at a magazine of Beyonce, who I assume
is not bald under there. I don't know what what
our natural hair really looks like, but I'm gonna go
not Larry David. Yeah, no, it was. That was heartbreaking.
(13:30):
And in the summer. In the summer, like in the
winter you can hide it, but in the summer you
cannot hide it. So you heard you? You show up
your Bald and France, which is a great film, by
the way, baldin France. It's a lovely film that I'm
hoping to produce this summer. But you're you're bald and France.
(13:53):
What do you do? Do you shave it all off?
Or you do you fully commit? No? I am I
am doing the middle age guy. I'm trying to preserve
the last remaining Oh yeah, of course I can totally.
By the way, I can totally. Um. Really, I to
sympathize with with men who lose their hair, like you
know from that experience. Yeah, I don't know. You then
(14:17):
thinking this will never grow back, like I'm just gonna
be I'm gonna have to like trump this ship from
now on. Oh wow, I didn't know. I didn't think that.
I was very much in the moment. I was thinking
I am bold now, and that's a problem. I wasn't
thinking like two three years from now. I was wearing
a lot of scarfs. When people ask I think at
(14:38):
some point, you know, I'm sixteen and I have so more.
There was also like a level of embarrassment that I
did the relaxer and this happened to me. I cannot
even explain. It was like a level that I would
rather tell people they had cancer to admit what I've
done cancer. Well, cancer is a hero's journey. That's that's
(14:59):
some body fighting through something. You volunteered to have your
your hair turned into a horse shoe, that is, that's
that's a fool's journey if nothing else mm hmm. So
from then on I was thinking about it. I had
the whole similar to think about it. As I was
putting my scarves in my head and I was like,
(15:21):
who would come up with the product like this? Like why?
Why would you want to do why would you want
to raise this? Why would you want to do this
to women? Like why? And that product is evil and
burns your hair? And so you're sitting there, you go,
who would come up with such an evil product? Who
would want to hurt when? And then you put your
(15:42):
hands together in a triangle and you said, the white
devil is the only person I can think of who
would be this this evil? Is that where we're at? Absolutely,
first they convinced you that you need to have straight hair,
and then they'll show you a path of evil to
(16:03):
achieve it. And is their plan to to just make
you less because I guess this is circling back to
the original question. Is there their plan with this brainwashing
and sort of their evil, uh misdeeds? Is it to
just make you less black, to make you feel less confident? What?
(16:25):
What is the ultimate goal of their dastardly efforts to
make you feel less confident, to make you feel um
powerless in this world? And uh, to make you distracted
(16:46):
because you're huge. You're so worried about your hair, you
don't have time to worry about other things in the world. Sure,
I can't work on climate change if I've got to
keep calmbing over you know exactly like I truly we
could have resolved what's happening to the polar bears if
only I weren't sitting with like these massive ball spots
(17:10):
from the severe. We would only have electric cars in
this world if it wasn't for relaxers. This is devastating news.
If true. I don't know that we can necessarily prove
it yet, but I'm excited to be following this journey
with you. Because it seems like the white man is
(17:31):
the root cause for all things terrible, and that's really
the major theme of this podcast. Again, I don't know
how familiar you are, but we truly walk away from
every episode and we say fuck you white devil, and uh,
that's that's usually the end, I think. So you're right
on track, you're doing great. Oh yeah, thank you, thank you,
thank you. And I just think it was the chances
(17:55):
before we go to break. This is the last question
I asked, what's the chances your mom's listening to this?
Is she a big fan of of your comedy? Where
she at in all of them? My mother doesn't speak
English very well, so I you know, I am fearless,
and everything I say about her and great my childhood
(18:18):
and all that, she's perfect. So there's no chance she's
gonna throw this into Google translation, and even if it does,
it's going to be mostly unintelligible afterwards. Yes, exactly, I
have no I have no fear perfect. Well, then we're
gonna keep talking ship. We're gonna come back after this
break with more Bianca, cristal about and more. My mama
told me and we are that we don't say the
(18:54):
n word around two year old. Yeah, we're back here
with more Bianca Christo vile more. My mama told me,
we're still talking about the possibility that relaxers were used
to brain wash black people by the white devil. This
is the conversation we're having. Do you think, uh, it's
(19:15):
it's all relaxers or they're like specific ones that are
like especially cooked up by you know, white witchcraft as
it were. Well, I am very excited for these for
this particular research, because we already know that most hair
you know, most hair companies that black women use are
(19:36):
not black owned, right, so it's very interesting to find
these relaxing you know, these relaxers are owned by black people.
And if they are not, I say, all those that
are not owned by black people are definitely part of
my conspiracy. If there's one or two that are owned
by black people, those might be the ones that you
guys are safe to use, Okay. I like, okay, you're
(19:56):
you're saying, Look, if they're owned by white people, you
can't trust them, period, There's no no other explanation. Uh.
And if they are owned by black people, then maybe
there's some consideration we can give them. Maybe and there's
a hard him on that. Maybe hard. All right, let's
(20:17):
talk a little bit about what you're saying, because that's
not completely untrue. There there's a fair amount of evidence
that says that even the products, the the ethnic hair
care stuff that you often find in your your Walgreens
locked up under heavy lock and key for some reason
because they're worried us are gonna run run in and
(20:40):
steal hair grease and and rung and slick hair that
we couldn't afford. H is often owned by some larger
white conglomerate, i e. Dark and Lovely and UH and
Optimum Care, both of which are black hair care products,
are actually owned by Loreal, which couldn't be wider as
(21:02):
as I understand, Yes, exactly now to your original question,
or rather your original conspiracy theory of the fact that
or or suggestion that white people invented relaxers, I am
in the unfortunate position to tell you that you are
not correct on that one. Relaxers were actually invented by
(21:25):
a dude named Garrett Morgan. Garrett Morgan you may actually
know he's a notable name in black history because he
is not only the major inventor of relaxers. But he
is also credited as the inventor of the smoke hood,
which is the predecessor for the gas mask, and he
is also the inventor of the stoplight. So this motherfucker
(21:47):
was all over the place with his So he was
working on a stoplight. Are you serious the stoplight that
we're using right now for cars? He he invented the
greg and he was like, you know what, let's relaxed
that what. Well, this is where it gets even crazier
because I agree with you, there's no part of me
(22:09):
that wants to put my faith in a man who
invented the stoplight to then work on black hair care products.
That's not It's not usually how I approach my hair
care products. It's like, I bet that dude who knew
to put the red above the yellow is uh, is
somebody I should trust with with all of my ship
on my head. Now here's where it gets interesting, because
(22:33):
he invented relaxers, or rather the serum as it were,
for relaxers, but he didn't mean to. It was actually
a complete accident. He was making a lubricant for sewing
needles in a sewing machine, like a new special lubricant
that was helped to helping to make the needles move
smoother and faster. And the product, the sort of like
(22:56):
chemical he created, he then spilled on his arm and
all on his arm here, yes, so it lands on
his arm hair. And then he noticed this that his
arm hair gets silky smoothed out of nowhere. This little
chemical makes his arm hair silky smooth, and he goes,
that's that's something that's pretty cool. And then this is
(23:18):
where this motherfucker turns into a real sick oh, because
he takes that product and then he says, I want
to see if this actually works in you know, a
grander scale, And so he starts experimenting on his neighbor's
dog with the chemical. He takes his neighbor's dog and
he starts dipping the dog, and he starts dipping the
(23:40):
dog headfirst, and the dog it's just like a golden retreat.
But that's already a white like that dog has straight
hair or is it? Apparently, and I'm cautious to say
it the way that I planned to say it, but
this is also the choice I made. Apparently it was
a real nappy headed dog. He found a real nappy
headed neighbor's dog, and he started dipping the dog and
(24:02):
he and he noticed that that dog came out with
gorgeous silk locks that that previously did not exist. And
then he started to experiment on himself. He started putting
the products in his own hair and uh and smoothing
his own hair, straightening his own hair, and then he
started marketing it to the rest of the U. Yes,
(24:26):
so this guy is black, yeah, scary, very glad or
whatever it was the early nineteen hundreds. Okay, show men,
can you show me your hands real quick? My hand? Yeah, yeah,
I know. I want to see I want to see
the forearm. What does my form look like? Oh, you're
you're trying to see if I have hair to be
able to do the experiment. That's what I'm saying. I
(24:48):
don't believe. I don't believe this guy has dropped some
lubricant on his arm, because, like you know, black man
that are not known to have very hairy arms, and
then he knows that know that there it goes. Michael Spressy.
I think this guy was jerking off with this new loopie.
Oh you don't think it landed on his arm. You
(25:10):
think it hit his pubic region from from him being like, man,
this lubricant is so smooth, it's better than lotion. I'm
gonna I'm gonna beat my meat with this sewing machine
lubricant and see what happens. That's my that's my theory. Wow.
If true, you have you have ruined Garrett Morrigan. Uh.
(25:30):
For every young person that was gonna write a special,
you know, book report on Garrett Morrigan and and what
he did for black history, now they have to include
that Garrett Morgan was beating his meat and accidentally discovered
how to straighten pubic hair, uh, and then decided, Yeah,
this is better than for public hair, I'll do it
(25:52):
to my my scalp hair as well. Wow. I think
so Garrett Morgan invented this thing, but to your original conspiracy,
and I have not jumped off board. Even though I'm
now relatively firm believer that Garrett Morgan, a black man,
(26:13):
invented it. I had. You haven't lost me in the
argument that maybe this is a there is a fair
argument that although white people did not necessarily invent relaxers,
they did find endless ways to capitalize on the invention.
Right that like, although it was made by a black man.
(26:33):
It was usurped and and made evil by white people
and and the white powers that be. M M, how
do you feel about relaxers? I have a daughter. I
would never put that ship in her hair. Uh, But
I also understand that we we generationally come from a
(26:56):
history where it made a lot of sense into terms
of the way that that people sort of saw themselves
the way that they were being asked to see themselves.
So I think it's an unfair thing on my end
to be like judgmental of anybody that had that felt
the need to do that, right. I wouldn't volunteer it
for anybody that I love or care about, because God damn,
(27:20):
that ship's you know, not good for you. No, you're
saying so, I think, And to be clear for any
of our listeners who are sort of curious as to
why they might be bad for you, there's a chip
ton of arguments that you can find for what relaxers
can do. And they say, according to some research, at
(27:42):
least relaxers can cause life threatening ailments such as reproductive problems,
heart disease, different forms of cancer, early puberty, fibroids, and
mental health disorders that shouldn't evil see mental health issue?
That goes back to my conspiracy. Yeah, it truly, it
(28:03):
goes back to your suggestion of brainwashing or at least
a type of like mind control that would happen if
you take this a certain amount of the relaxers or
take them in a certain form, right, m hmm Yeah.
Even more interesting, relaxers have been found to disrupt the
chemical balance of our bodies by entering our system via
(28:24):
cuts and burns. Now, why is burned specifically interesting because
relaxers often burn it literally, like when you apply it. Yeah,
well that's the reason, Yeah, exactly, telling her it burns
and she sat supposed to and I'm like, I don't
(28:46):
think so, my head is on fire. You know, maybe
if I didn't use relaxes, that could be a lawyer
or a doctor and not a comedian, you know what
I mean? Yeah, No, I do know what you mean.
And what a heartbreaking revelation for you to find this afternoon. Yeah, man,
(29:07):
I could have been anything I wanted, but I wanted
to relax my hair And now now I gotta tell jokes.
Uh two strangers and bars and ship Oh my god,
and my hair is not even straight one of the
things that it got me asking all of this information
is what what is in relaxers that could cause so
(29:27):
many terrible things to happen to the human body. And
one of the main chemicals that they say, the one
that they say is most harmful in relaxers, or certainly
most dangerous and relaxers, is a chemical called sodium hydroxide,
or as it's most commonly known in the streets. Lie.
(29:48):
Are you familiar with lie at all? No? Not at all?
You know for that I would have to be smart,
but we established that I never got there because I
and and what a shame because we all need to
learn about I. It's it's truly how can you function
in the world without knowing what the fuck LIE does?
I don't mean any of this, but LIE is a
(30:08):
product a chemical that is most commonly used for soap making,
candle making, homemade biodiesel, frosting glass, and for chemistry experiments.
This is one of the main chemicals that exist thing
in a relaxer, and it also is something people are
using to make bio diesels, but also so yeah, which
(30:32):
isn't super encouraging either, right that, like a lot of
our are sort of I guess, uh, everyday products include
chemicals that come with some level of caution if nothing else.
Mm hmm. So here's where LIE gets even more interesting
is that LIE, when it makes direct contact with human skin,
(30:56):
can cause extreme burns, much like what you're experiencing, or
you experience rather when you were on your your Great
Parisian adventure. It can also lead to blindness and death
if consumed, and LIE is in fact so powerful that
when combined with extreme heat, it can be used to
(31:16):
completely dissolve a human body within three hours. So actually
your question about me if I was worried that I
will ever grow hair again, it was a legit question.
I maybe I you know that that was positive a
possibility it could have burned me so deep that I
(31:36):
could have been built for the rest of my life.
That's right, and that's I think that's why I was
asking the question. And maybe you needed a little more
uh information to sort of make sense of it all.
But legitimately, there is a possibility that through these chemicals,
you can burn your flesh so badly that it it
salts the earth that there is no more growth able
(31:57):
to happen from those those spots. It's kind of interesting. Now,
you know how when like Mob I love Mob movies, right,
and they're always trying to make a body these up here,
they're just put it into like a bath of relaxer. Yeah, exactly.
You just dip a man in a big old tub
of dark and lovely and you you wait a couple
(32:18):
of hours and he'll he'll disappear, and he'll be gorgeous
when he does. Like device. Yeah, just it truly is
a a a jarring thing to be putting in someone's head,
(32:38):
specifically in the head of a child or a young person.
Give the fact that that your brain and body are
already sort of in a developmental state. They're they're already
figuring themselves out, and then suddenly you add chemicals to
them that potentially can be changing the way that their
chemistry naturally would develop. M hm okay. So the other
(33:03):
and this is the the the other product that I'll
tell you about, or rather chemical that I'll tell you
about that exists inside of these relaxers, a chemical called
sussenic acid, susanic acid, sussenic acid, I don't know, I'm
not French, but the susanic acid found in relaxers is
explicitly said to be kept away from skin, eyes, and
(33:26):
even clothing. A a company called bio Amber. This is
a company that manufacturers were manufacturers renewable chemicals, states in
their website that sussenic acid may be harmful if absorbed
through the skin. This is a chemical they're literally putting
inside a product that goes directly onto your scalp, and
(33:50):
instead they're being like, I wouldn't put that on anybody's skin,
and we make the chemical. Yeah. See that's that's is
getting darker and darker. Yeah, no, it's not. I again,
I this is always, I guess a difficult revelation for
my guests. But uh, it never turns out better when
(34:11):
we get into the research. You know what I mean?
You never read more. You're like, turns out relaxers actually
contain a ship ton of vitamin D. That's that's better
than sunny delight? Is there one good thing about them?
Is there a vitamin in it? Is there something nice?
I think the good thing is is perhaps the confidence
(34:31):
you could feel afterwards. If if that's the look you're
going for, you could look like the lady on the box.
You know, she's always swinging her hair and looking real
sensual back at at whoever is buying the product. And
and I'll be honest, I've always wanted to make love
to one of the ladies on the Dark and Lovely Box,
and so maybe you could feel like the Dark and
Lovely lady. But other than that, no, you're burning your
(34:53):
your brain and your scalp. My hair never never turned
out like that lady on the box. I'm so sorry
that happened to you. It did turn out. It sounds
like a a little bit of a Joe Pesci. Uh
you had you had a Joe Pesci thing going on,
And maybe that's okay, Maybe maybe that's pretty cool too.
Going back to that salon and I was crying to
(35:14):
that lady, Oh my god? Did she was she sympathetic? Did?
She said? Had a client there in a chair, and
I made a scene. I was like, you burned my
hair ball at this and I started ripping hair of
my head. WHOA does the scene? So you were willing
to sacrifice more hair from your already dwindling scalp. All too, Sorry,
(35:36):
it's not a big deal. And she gave me like
a product for free. By the way, I paid for it.
I paid her loads of money. Yeah, did she never
give me back the money, of course, not no, but
you did. What was the product? Was it more relaxer? No,
it was some some joel, you know, something like moisturizing
(35:58):
that obviously didn't keep my hair on my head. But
that was the promise she gave. I got you that
it was going to help to keep the hair from
did not. Obviously, it's wow. Well you remember that lady's name.
Should we should we shout her out one time, send
people to her her wonderful salon for more of her
(36:19):
impressive work. People, if you're ever in the Europe, don't
get your hair done in Europe. Just don't just wait
and carried out. Don't do it in Europe. Don't do it.
That's if you're going to France, just go the way
you are. Don't don't try to impress all these French
(36:42):
people with your your new hair, because sisters and brothers,
it ain't gonna work. It's it's gonna turn into something
you didn't plan for it. All right, we're gonna take
one more break. We'll be back with more Bianca, Christoph
Alan more. My mama told me, man, we are back.
(37:10):
People who were enslavery wished that they had curveside service
at Applebee's. Yeah, we're back here with more Bianca Christoval more.
My mama told me, we're still talking about the possibility
that you're frying your brains. Ladies and gentlemen, you are melt,
melting your insides when you put these these products in
(37:31):
your hair, and specifically, the white man is the one
that wants you to do this. Now here's where the
research for me becomes especially interesting because I kept, I
asked you a few times, what do you think the
white man's goal is in sort of like creating these
products and and asking black people to relax their hair.
(37:51):
And one of the things that it reminded me of
is the the sort of rich history this country has
of forcing black people will to wear their hair not
naturally in public spaces in order to to be presentable,
if you know what I mean. Mhm. There is a
(38:13):
ship ton of there are rather a ship ton of
examples of historically, and we've talked about a few of
them on the podcast already, of people being forced to
either cut their hair or treat their hair with products
in order to sort of be made more presentable for
workspaces and school spaces based on sort of white administrations
(38:36):
and overseers. Oh yeah, no, it's a it's it's a
real problem. And they, you know, it's so funny. They
do it even to themselves. I have friends, white friends
who have curly hair, and they tell me, like if
when my hair is curly, I have less men approaching me,
whereas my hair is straight, more men come up to me.
(38:58):
That happens to even like white woman. It's not you know,
it's bizarre. It's a bizarre thing. Yeah. I mean some
of it feels like it can be chocked up to
to socialization, right that, like you socialize enough and are
sort of like given these images of what is attractive
over and over again, and then those images become permanent
(39:23):
in a person's brain, whether intentional or unintentional. And so
that part I can sort of make sense of for
the white people, but I think for the black people.
I I especially think about like these stories of like
children who were sent home where I don't know if
you ever saw it, but there was that video of
like that kid who was on the wrestling team and
(39:44):
was forced to literally cut his dreads before a wrestling match,
and had a bunch of white people cutting his dreads before. Yeah, No,
it's it's a heartbreaking image to to sort of take in.
But they're literally surrounding him cutting his dreads off before
a wrestling match because the breath decided that his hair
(40:06):
wasn't legal for the match, as if it had somehow
allowed him an advantage that uh, this husky white boy
he was about to flip on his back head, you
know what I mean. Horrific, terrific it is. Yeah, obviously,
like the black hair has always been like a conversation debate,
and uh, and the relaxers are part of it, I suppose, yes,
(40:31):
I think I think even more devastating. One of the
things that I started to think about is like, uh,
the new laws that that are truly just coming into
place now. I think it was like earlier this year
for the first time that Congress had even been able
to introduce a potential law that says it's illegal to
(40:53):
tell black people or people of color that they have
to change their hair in order to participate eight in workplaces. Yeah,
I mean, and you know, it's so interesting because like
you know, you see, it was very interesting for me
to to to see even Michelle Obama never never with
her hair, you know, natural, like never not once. And
(41:16):
you know, I think that is in a way, you know,
that's an interesting observation. You know, I'm not saying she's
wrong for it. I just think it's interesting that we've
never seen it. Well, no, I think I think to
that point, it's what makes these conversations so complicated, right,
is like you find yourself in a position where the
world is expecting you to look a certain way, and
(41:37):
then we as as black people, as people taking in
these these people in positions of power, go well, why
won't you represent us the way we need to be represented?
And it becomes this weird in fighting rather than sort
of recognizing that the real danger is a group of
people suggesting that the way that we were in the
(41:57):
first place was not satisfactory, that it didn't it didn't
work as we would like it to work. Yeah, I
mean with that said, you know, bottom line is that
if you have any type of power or attention in
media and you do represent in a natural way, it
does inspire a little girl. So remember my story about Beyonce.
(42:18):
I wanted to like Beyonce. Now, Beyonce I think is
arguably extremely a positive you know influence. You know, for
young girls or you know back in the day, was
But who else inspired me to actually turn the natural
uh to to go natural journey was Kellyes, remember when
she came up with my milk shape, so so she
(42:40):
had natural hair and so it was like like one
of the first people I saw rocking her natural hairs
like that, yeah, be me. And then you know, I
gave up the relaxers and like, yeah, I thinking who
I am right now? And I think to that point,
it's It's part of the reason why representation is such
a hearty conversation shan right, is that it's not just
(43:02):
about needing to see an equal number of black people
to white people whatever, but it's saying that, like, if
we can show the actual diversity of what black people
look like, I can make more conscientious decisions about what
I should look like and what I should be doing
with my own body. That it maybe Beyonce is not
(43:23):
for all of us, and some of us need to
go the route of Calie or the route of fucking
Viola Davis or whoever to to help us see ourselves
out in the world. I love it and signed hell yeah,
well we've got two signatures so far. And if anybody
(43:44):
else wants to say, I don't know anybody else. So
this is it. We're gonna We're gonna send a petition
of two signatures to the government and say please stop
making relaxers, and they'll say what and and probably have
us murdered by the CIA. That's you know, relaxers. They
will have us murdered with relaxers. Sure, they're gonna dip
(44:07):
us in relaxer, much like that puppy that Garrett Morgan
dipped in the in the relaxer. And I have to say,
there's no evidence. I couldn't find any research that said
how long that dog lived after Garrett Morgan did that
to him. But I got to assume he didn't break
any records, you know what I mean. This wasn't a
dog that uh that made it to like twenty two.
(44:29):
I thought, you're gonna say, there's no evidence that he
actually harmed this dog. I thought, that's what you're gonna say.
Oh no, I've been very clear. He harmed the funk
out of that dog, and then he like he wrought
about it himself. That's how we know. Who knows. I
don't know if he wrote about it. Yeah, I'm sure
the neighbor wrote about it, like this black guy's torturing
(44:55):
my dog. He's like, I keep my dog keeps going
missing and coming back sexier than before. My dog goes away,
and then my dog comes back and I really want
to fuck my dog. And I don't know why, but
I think that Garrett Morgan has something to do with it. Well, Beyonca,
I think we did it. I think I think this
was This was a lovely conversation. I had a great
(45:16):
time with you. Could you tell the people at home
what you have going on? Any cool things and where
they can find you? Well, you can find me on
the Instagram and at Banta Christop bo I. I perform
quite a bit around Los Angeles. I'm gonna be at
the Comedy Store this weekend. I don't know that when
this episode gets released, but yeah, I I post about
(45:38):
it in my stories. So follow me and and then
and come get and come and see me live. I
cannot speak anymore. Tell yeah, So follow follow Bianca, see
her alive, do the thing. Don't don't threaten her with
any relaxes. She's been through enough. And as always, you
can follow me at Langston Kerman on all platforms and
uh and and please if you have can spiracy theories
(46:00):
of your own, If you have drops, if you have
any opinions you would love to send us, you can
send them to my Mama pod at gmail dot com.
I would love to hear from you. Otherwise, that's it
by bitch my crop chips in your rails. A Quala
(46:21):
bears are racist. The lastly, money part turney stuff. I
can't tell me
Hosts And Creators
Langston Kerman
David Gborie
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