Eat Me, For Real: Motherf*ckin Mini Episode

Langston answers a listener's email about being tricked into eating humans.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Motherfucking many years, so many episodes, motherfucking many episode. Yep, yep, yep.
There it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Dome Me, a

(00:24):
motherfucking many episode. That's right, bitches, Um back, I'm back
up in this thing. This is the podcast where we
dive deep, deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories
and we finally worked to prove that theories that you
the listeners have at home. You got damn right. It's
a many episode. You goddamn right. I'm making my triumphant return.

(00:47):
You goddamn right. My voice sounds weird because it's going
out and I'm not exactly sure why, but that doesn't
fucking matter, you idiots. We're back, babe, and I couldn't
be more excited to be back here with you to
talk some ship about some conspiracy theories, the ones that
you send me. This is very exciting stuff. Leaves. Do
not let my voice sounding like that nigger from Run

(01:10):
DMC throw you off in the least bit, because I
am fucking excited. And I gotta tell you, folks, I
don't know when I started calling you folks. But I
gotta tell you, folks, I got a fantastic conspiracy sent
to me today, or it wasn't today, it was days ago,
but a conspiracy theory that I want to talk to

(01:32):
you about. Nonetheless, it's very exciting. This conspiracy theory actually
comes to me from a person named javan Javon sent
me an email, and Javon sent me from an email
from a Yahoo account, So you know, this motherfucker believes
in some bullshit. Anybody that's trying to communicate to you

(01:52):
through Yahoo is on something wild. But Javon said, Hi,
my name is Javon. I have a theory that we
have been tricked into believing that we're eating beef and chicken,
but in fact it's people. There's seven billion people accounted
for in the world. I'll come back to this. Many
animals on the planet that we don't even eat. He

(02:14):
capitalized that part are going extinct. There's only one thousand tigers,
hardly any ritos, etcetera, etcetera. My question you is where
are we getting all these cows and chickens to feed
billions of people daily. There's two k pap Eye's restaurants
in America alone. Think of all the other restaurants, grocery stores,

(02:36):
cafeterias and more that serve and sell beef and chicken
food options daily. Now, going back to that seven billion,
that's people accounted for globally. So I feel like all
of those human trafficking rings and whatnot people believe to
exist to buy and sell people into sex colts and whatnot,

(02:57):
no no ones that warny javan says, those unaccounted for
people are being ground up and molded to feed the world,
Like on the Matrix when the robots had the people
in the pods. When someone would die, it would just
be ground up and fed to another living quote unquote
pod person metaverse question mark. So that's my theory. We

(03:22):
haven't been eating animals for some time. L O L.
Javon did not sign off. He he just walked away,
real manic, as as one who has a yah who does.
But thank you Javon for sending me this this very
insane conspiracy theory. What a fantastic way for me to
return to this super toxic podcast. What better way than

(03:45):
to do it by talking about fucking cannibalism. You know,
I can't think of a better way. There's no better way.
But to your question, Javon, of whether or not we
are eating people, it's hard to know, right because despite
what are dignified white Stree books might have have, you believe,
there's actually a fair amount of evidence that people have

(04:05):
eaten other people since the dawn of time, since the
dawn of mayn You know, Baleontologists have uncovered mashed and
ground up bones from old Neanderthal days that suggests that
cave men were eating each other back then. Yeah, the old,
big old cave man motherfuckers used to smash each other
over the head and take a bite out of each

(04:26):
other's very very hairy expenditures. They did whatever they wanted
to each other, I guess, rape, pillage and of course nibble.
Fossil evidence from glous This shirt tells us that the British,
actually we're eating each other two thousand years ago, you know,
they were chowing down on their own friends quote unquote

(04:48):
blood pudding. You know, even today there have been cases
of folks taking baths salts and eating strangers faces. And also,
am I the only person while we're on the subject,
and the only person who didn't realize that bath salts
did not refer to actual bath salts, do you know
what I mean? Like this whole time, I thought motherfucker's

(05:10):
were just getting high on lavender scented rocks and then
acting a fool. But apparently it's street code for a
type of meth, not the ship that you get at
bath bath and body works. So that's my that's on me,
that's my bad. I thought motherfucker's were smoking actual bass salts,
but they're just being him in their reference to uh
street math because I like to call it, I don't know,

(05:33):
I don't have a different name for it. I was
really reaching. Frankly, I set myself up for a joke
that I couldn't finish, and and I'm embarrassed. I'll be
honest with you, I'm terribly embarrassed. I might go smoke
some bass salts to make the shame go away. More
to the point, some of the most famous cases of
cannibalism come from moments where humans were pushed to their

(05:54):
limits and forced to eat each other for survival. In
the most famous case comes actually from the Pilgrims in Jamestown.
I'm not sure how many of you are familiar, but
the Pilgrims in Jamestown, they found themselves in a bit
of a famine, you know that. I believe the starvation
period or something like that is what it was called,

(06:15):
from like sixteen o nine to sixteen ten, where they
had an entire year where famine hit their population and
shrink the population by eighty percent. Eighty percent of these
motherfucker's died so much so that they took to digging
up other corpses. That's right, they were digging up dead
bodies to eat these motherfucker's. So, as I was saying,

(06:39):
there's actually documentation, there's documentation of one of the survivors
from Jamestown, this dude, George Percy, very old timing named
George Percy. This motherfucker definitely was born in sixteen hundred
and something. But George Percy actually wrote all the way
back then. He said A world of miseries. And you
have to understand this is written in and and older

(07:01):
English than I read or write, So if there's any fumbles,
it is not my poor reading, which, as you know,
if you're a constant listener to this show, I am
a bad reader. But this one's actually not as much
on me. Now, what if I read this better than
I usually read? Was that? Does that tell you something?
Maybe maybe I'm an old English motherfucker and this whole

(07:22):
time I've just been in the wrong century. Huh did
you ever think about that? You're stupid bitch. I bet
you didn't anyway. George Percy, my boy George said, A
world of miseries ensued as a sequel will express unto yeall,
and so much that some of these satisfy their hunger
have robbed the store for which I caused them to

(07:44):
be executed. Then, having fed upon our horses and other
beasts as long as they lasted, we were glad to
make shift with vermin as, dogs, cats, rats, and mice.
All was fish that came to net. To satisfy cruel
hunger has to eat boots, shoes, or even other leathers.
Some could come by, and those being spent and devoured.

(08:07):
Some were enforced to search the woods and feed upon
serpents and snakes, and to dig the earth for wild
and unknown roots where many are Men were cut off
and slain by the salvages. And now famine beginning to
look ghastly impale in every face, that nothing was spared

(08:29):
to maintain life and to do those things which seem incredible,
as to dig up dead corpses out of grays and
to eat them. And some have licked upon the blood
which have fallen from their weak fellows. Basically, your boy
George Percy is saying ship got so bad that they
started eating dogs and cats and rats, and then snakes,

(08:52):
and then ship that they dug up from the ground.
And once they started digging, honey, they kept on digging
and they found some of their their friends bodies and
they ate those two. And then when those people, I
think the complication is when those people started to get
sick from eating dead corpses, because you can't just dig
up dead bodies and just eat them. You gotta watch

(09:14):
the motherfucker's at least. But when they didn't wash them
and didn't take care of them, they started to drink
the blood and eat of each other, those of those
of them that we're dying on this truly horrific ship
coming out of Jamestown. But of course the Native Americans
were the savages. That's neither here nor there. The uh.

(09:35):
This is also not the first time that claims like
this have been popularized. Right, this claim of people eating
people in in a more contemporary society. A few years ago,
in fact, an article went vibral which claimed that nearly
nine percent of the meat tested at McDonald's contains human

(09:55):
flesh and nearly sixty of that meat contained horse flesh.
I don't know why it's we would be mixing up
both human and horse, but that's what the article said,
that's what they were trying to display. Now, the reports
were unverified, and eventually, you know, a lot of people
said it was completely false. However, the news became so popular.

(10:17):
This this article became so infamous that McDonald's even to
this day, still has a response refuting this claim on
their public website. If you go on the McDonald's website
and there's the question and answer section, there's a a
brave person who says, why y'll be feeding us human flesh?
And McDonald says, shut up, we don't do that. Shut up.

(10:40):
We're good people. We only have good halal beef at McDonald's.
And I'll be honest, I don't think they're selling us
human flesh. But if you want me to be convinced
that this is good beef McDonald's, you are mistaken. I'm
I'm no fool and I love McDonald's I'm a big fan,
but get the funk out of here if you think
that that been preyed over in any kind of way. Now,

(11:03):
as far as the question of why cows and chickens
have not yet suffered the same threat of extinction as
these other animals, it seems to be largely based around
which animals we care most about not going extinct. You know,
cows do not go extinct because they are an exclusively
domesticated species. At this point, other iterations of wild cows

(11:26):
have actually completely gone extinct. They've completely disappeared off of
the planet, and now the only cows that are left
are the ones that farmers are constantly breeding and protecting
for their milk and their meat. Basically, we fucked the cows.
We fun with the cows and the chickens. I don't
think we fucked them, but maybe we're doing that too.
But we fun with cows and chickens so that they

(11:48):
do not face the same threats as tigers, which we
would happily kill without blinking. And I because apparently tiger
meat just ain't that yummy, you know, harder to breathe
and breed and not as DELI just is what it
all breaks down to. Also, if you've watched Tiger King,
you know that the vast majority of the surviving tigers
on this planet actually live in captivity now, not in

(12:10):
the wild so much in the way of the cows
and the chickens. The only safety we can offer them
is imprisonment, because if they're out in the wild, people
are going to intentionally kill them. So, long story short,
I don't know that there's a ton of evidence that
we're actually eating human beings. However, what I will say
is if I was a major world power and and

(12:32):
I was sort of finding myself from the challenging situations
that are now facing world powers, of of the appending
famine and and the global destruction that's coming in every direction,
I wouldn't be that forward with the fact that I
was feeding my population human flesh. So you know, maybe
they're just telling us that because they don't want us

(12:53):
to know the real truth, you know what I mean,
Maybe you're onto something moreover give insane chemicals and frankly
poisons we often find in our food. We should be
so lucky has to be here to eating human flesh,
you know what I mean? I would much rather be
eating human flesh instead of whatever the fund is the
Cheeto does. There's no way that ship is good for us.

(13:16):
And at the end of the day, we're truly on
the brink of of world destruction. And at some point
I think some of these these questions of what we
eat are going to shift. You know, you read articles
about our relationship to bugs and whether or not it's
going to become popular that we eat bugs and insects

(13:38):
in the coming years, and it's probably going to be
the case. Right now, bugs are disgusting to us, and
we're very outspoken about you, yucky. I would never put
my mouth on a cockroach. But goddamn, a few years
from now, after Russia goes crazy and uh and and
fox everything up, maybe maybe we'll find ourselves nibbling on

(13:58):
a big, old, big old water bug and being like, God, damn,
this is a delicious water bug. But thank god, we
don't eat people. Huh. Anyway, if you want to send
me your conspiracy theories about about other things were biting
into I don't know I'm reaching at this point, but
if you want to send me your conspiracy theories, I

(14:19):
would love to hear from you please send them to
my Mama pot at gmail dot com. I promised by
the next time I record, my voice will not sound
quite as shitty as it does right now. And and
I would love to hear from you, and I'd love
to see your reviews. I'd love to for you to
subscribe to the podcast. I'd make sweet love to if
you did that. And if you're around this Thursday, actually today,

(14:43):
March ten, it's the release of my brand new show
bus Now, which is available on Peacock, and I would
love for you to watch it. It's a really funny
show starring me, Jack Knight, Sam Jay and Chris Read,
three of my dearest friends in comedy, and it's truly
a spectacular mess. If you enjoyed the chaos of this show,
I promise you bust Count is ten times more chaotic

(15:05):
and uh half is funny, right right, nothing's funnier than
this podcast. Stupid idiots, don't you dare personal anything is okay?
I did enough talking by bitch, motherfucking miny years. So
many years, so motherfucking many years, so motherfucking mini years,

(15:33):
so many years, motherfucking many years. So