April 8, 2022 • 28 mins
In this solo episode, Lisa shares her tough decision to go back on medication for her postpartum depression. She also includes how her relationship to medicine has changed over the years, what influenced her choice, and why she doesn’t see this as a step back.
Lisa shares:
- why a medicine that worked before may not work now
- the importance of regular therapy
- what to ask your doctor
- why you should trust your doctor, but not blindly
- how to advocate for yourself in a medical setting
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The Truthiest Life on Instagram @thetruthiestlife
Host @lisahayim
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Edited by Houston Tilley
Intro Jingle by Alyssa Chase aka @findyoursails
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
M hm, no ill feel right. Even when times getheart
and feel you're in the dark. CU see just how
beautiful laugh can be. When you sophen your heart, you
(00:22):
can findly start to fire to see its life. Hello,
truth is life, Famelia, Welcome back. And in today's episode,
I wanted to talk a little bit about medication for
mental health, things like antidepressants, anti anxiety medications, and I
(00:43):
want to share my personal experience both in the past
and the current, which are very different, and also really
discussed this topic on a much more general level because
I've learned so much in the past ten years of
going through different experiences, and specifically since giving birth and ignancy,
I've learned a lot about how we can use our
(01:03):
voices in medical settings when speaking to doctors in ways
I definitely didn't do before. I feel like for a
long time I kind of just handed the power over
to the medical professional and silenced any sort of doubts
or questions that I may have had because I just
thought that, you know, they're the expert, which they are.
But in doing so, I think a lot of times
(01:24):
we abandon ourselves, and I think a beautiful way to
have a relationship to medicine and doctors is to have
one where we both contribute, where we ask questions in
a safe, non judgmental environment, and we receive answers in
a way that are supportive and guiding rather than telling
us exactly what to do. That's something I've become really
(01:47):
passionate about in the past year and a half or so.
I also want to get you up to speed on
my own personal postpartum mental health journey. I want to
be really candid about this part because the more I
seem to talk about it, the more I realize how
many people are suffering in silence and how they feel
really alone. And I hope to share that these feelings
are definitely universal, that the feelings persist far longer than
(02:11):
the world kind of allows to or kind of supposed
to just tuck away the difficult parts after three months,
six months, you know, get back to normal. And I
also want to share that there can be helped. So
if you are out there suffering, or you know somebody
who's suffering, I want to let you know that there
are resources that can meet you where you're at. There's
definitely still a lot of stigma around mental health and
(02:33):
medication and there's a lot that people don't understand, and
I think they view medication in this way that it's
kind of like a crutch, when in reality, it's more
like a life raft. And you know, when you really
understand the chemicals in your brain, how they're supposed to fire,
how they're supposed to have certain um neurotransmitters at all times,
(02:54):
and when you realize that your levels are low, uh,
you realize that you're not to blame, and in doing so,
you can take the best care of yourself. So I
think that medication can be a really critical part of
self care. But I think I bring a really unique
lens to the conversation around mental health and medication because
there's usually people that are all the way on the
(03:15):
far left that are saying, you know, no, don't you
don't need medication. Just meditate, do yoga, eat fruits and vegetables,
take the supplement. And then there are the other people
that are like, just take the medication if anything feels
painful or uncomfortable for you. And I think I'm somewhere
in the middle there to say, yes, medication is amazing,
it's life saving. It has been for me in the past.
(03:35):
But I also think that it should be taken with caution,
and you should really assess where you're at work with
a professional, ask a lot of questions, and combine that
with more natural approaches to taking care of your mental health. However,
big caveat here, a lot of times when we are
going through something really difficult, we need that medication to
help us then cultivate the tools like yoga, meditation, and
(03:58):
eating right to kind of build back up what needs
to be in place. That was certainly the situation for
me in the past. But one thing that I've really
realized here is that medication is not just a band
aid that we take and then it solves all of
our problems. And my most recent bout of taking medication,
I really learned a lot and it's opened my eyes
(04:19):
a lot where I want to talk about this in
this episode so that you can kind of not make
the same quote unquote mistakes that I made, but go
into perhaps considering medication with the understanding that you still
need to pay attention to what's going on in your
body after taking the medication, as sometimes medications can cause
new problems. As a little note, I will never mention
(04:42):
or share which medications I take or how much, And
I probably won't give another update on this topic. I've
already shared on Instagram that I did go back on
medication because so many people knew that I was struggling,
and I felt like it was only fair to really
have that discussion, especially after a few years back announcing
that I had gotten off medication. But I want to
be really candid here again because I want people to
(05:04):
know that they're not alone, that there can be a
solution out there, and again want them to feel empowered
when talking to their doctors in this arena where they
otherwise might feel a little bit powerless or not know
where they stand in the conversation. So for a little
bit of backstory, for whatever reason, I really thought that
after giving birth, I would, you know, really go through
the hard sleep deprivation, finding my bearings part for about
(05:27):
three months. I don't know where that number kind of
came to mind, but for whatever reason, I thought I'd
be able to really get back to work. I'd have
systems in place, my hormones would be leveling out, and
you know, I'd be quote unquote back to normal. My body.
My mind was definitely like okay, not so fast there
there is no going back. I'm six plus months out
now and I'm definitely still going through it deeply emotionally.
(05:52):
I think a lot of people, or myself at least,
thinks that pregnancy is nine months and then you go back.
But the truth is nothing ever goes back. The second
you learn that you're pregnant, your body is put forth
on a brand new journey where you never ever go back.
And I think it's really hard in this modern world,
in our society that views it as going back to
normal after a few months of having the baby, But
(06:16):
anyone who's ever given birth knows that there is no
going back to normal. I think your chemistry as a
parent really changes, and you are different. You are going
to change, You are going to be a little bit edgier,
you are going to be a little bit softer, and
all these things are really there to protect us. Actually,
I know that initially after giving birth, I felt completely
(06:41):
raw and anxious and sad for no reason. And I
also felt really on edge for a long time. And
in really getting to understand our bodies and why they
do the things they do, there's always a reason for
the things our bodies do, right, I've come to realize
that we, you know, are living in this modern world,
but we're doing a very primal thing and in order
(07:03):
to protect our babies, you know, and who possibly could
have been in danger if we didn't live in such
sheltered homes and you know, areas, if we lived out
in the wild, we would have to be on high alert.
And I think therefore, by having anxiety, by by kind
of having our feelers out at all time, by feeling
really raw, we're kind of on that prow ready to
(07:24):
pounce and kind of protect our babies at all costs.
So I think understanding our biology is really really important
because then we can also stop judging ourselves for feeling
a certain way, for being a certain way. And the
more we talk about this stuff, the more we know, Okay,
this is actually normal, I'm not crazy, and we can
really take the best care of ourselves rather than judge
(07:44):
ourselves for having certain emotions. So too, for a little
background on my own history of mental health, therapy and medication,
I've been in therapy my co life in different ways,
and along the way, I have also taken anti anxiety
an antidepressant medications that really helped me. Although my anxiety
(08:06):
and depression never involved feelings like suicide. I will say
that these medications saved my life because while I was
on them, it really gave me a chance to get
it together. And by that I mean by allowing my
brain to start producing the chemicals and function the way
I'm supposed to function. I used that time to develop
(08:26):
new skills, to create an environment for myself where I
could flourish where I had could create boundaries with people,
where I could develop even self respect. I could really
start to take inventory over my inner self talk and
my inner critic and kind of having things at baseline
allowed me to really do incredible, incredible, incredible work for
(08:50):
my nervous system. I feel like I was able to
rewire my nervous system with the help of these medications. However,
time went on and on and I felt like I
no longer needed them, while what started as a life
raft getting me to safety kind of felt more like
a crutch in this specific situation that I was in.
(09:11):
That is not a blanket statement to say that medication
is a crutch, but rather I felt like I had
really acquired the tools, I had gotten myself to safe
land in a good place in my life where I
felt like, Okay, let's see what this is like. Let's
see what my brain can really do on its own
now that I have these new tools. Once I went
(09:39):
off those medications, I was proud because I got to
really see all the work that I had put in
over the last five, six seven years. It was so cool,
especially because I had really built up the amount of
medications that I was on. I'm going to get into
it in a minute, but I didn't realize it. Different
medications can cause different side effects, and we can continue
down the rabbit hole of fixing those side effects with
(10:01):
new medications, and before you know it, you're on a
lot of medications. So in my mid twenties, I was
on a lot of medications that I was very dependent on,
and I felt really good to layer by layer, take
one of those off and equip myself with new tools.
So I was really proud of myself to look back
and see how much I grew while being assisted on medication.
(10:21):
But I do not see taking medication for mental health
or not taking medication for mental health as the victory.
The victory for me when it comes to using medication
for my mental health is to just be really honest
with myself and really provide myself with what I need
and recognize that those needs change. So when I went
(10:43):
off that medication the last time, yes, I was proud
of myself, but it wasn't you know, walking away from
them and saying, okay, you know, if I ever go
back on that means that I failed. I really really
really broke down any ideas in my mind that that
would mean that, and in ed really recognized that life changes.
We go through different life cycles and experiences, many of
(11:06):
which we can't predict, and others that we simply don't
know what it's like. We don't know what it's like
to get older, to experience loss, to have different hormonal changes.
And therefore I just promised to meet myself where I
was at no matter what. As I mentioned, with birth
and immediately after, I felt the mental health effects immediately.
Um However, things definitely got more emotionally complex for me
(11:30):
when I ran into issues with breastfeeding and nursing and
changed to exclusively pumping. Not going to go into that
in this episode, but exclusively pumping is so much more
challenging than I ever imagined. And for all the moms
that do it, I give you so much credit. And
for anybody who's not familiar, exclusively pumping is not just
pumping a few times a day, it's pumping six plus
(11:51):
times a day. You have to unrobe, strop yourself to
a piece of machinery. You can't pick up your baby
or get anything done. It takes thirty minutes. So many
hours of your day are going towards pumping, and it
just literally sucks the life out of you. And for me,
I felt like I couldn't be present for my baby.
I was so exhausted, staying up late because you can't
(12:12):
go too long without pumping or your milk supply starts
to dip, and then waking up really early because that's
the most important time to get your milk, and I
just really started to feel myself sinking again, not going
to go into that, but for anybody who's like, well,
why didn't you just quit? For me, I love nursing.
It was the best thing for my mental health, and
I was really focused on hopefully getting back there and
(12:33):
figuring out what our issues were. But when I realized
that that wasn't going to be the case, that's the
day that I gave up exclusively pumping. So whatever, my
perspective on life and reality was really skewed, and I
could kind of recognize that I was aware that I
was not taking in information properly, and therefore the lens
that I was seeing the world through was blurry. There
(12:56):
wasn't clarity, and that felt really scary to know that
I'm not taking in reality properly as somebody who's really
self aware. I really struggled with that because I could
tell that something was off. My relationship with my husband
was deteriorating quickly, and I had a lot of resentment
(13:19):
for everything going on, and I just felt really alone
and it felt dark. It really felt dark, and at
that point I knew that it was time to get
back into regular therapy. So I went back to my
old therapist what I used to see when I lived
in New York City, who does a type of therapy
called a e d P. It stands for Accelerated Experiential
(13:41):
Dynamic Psychotherapy. It's really hard to explain, and even when
I go on their website, I feel like you can't
take away what it is until you experience it. But
I will say that my favorite parts of working with
this therapist are Number one is that she requires that
I meet with her weekly as opposed to whenever I want.
That has been huge both in this season of my
(14:02):
life and when I first started to work with her.
And my second favorite part is that it incorporates body
focused practices. So my therapist is often using my personal
body language to better understand and listen to me and
bring me back home to what's going on. So sometimes
our bodies communicate when we're anxious or when we're experiencing
(14:24):
an emotion, and our minds don't really realize. But when
she notices me doing that, she'll call attention to the
fact that I don't know, Let's say, my leg is
kind of shaking. She'll say, your leg is shaking, and
then I'm brought back to that point that I was
otherwise just kind of talking over, and I'm able to understand, Okay,
my body is actually giving me a cue that something's
going on, and from there we dig a little bit deeper.
And I have just seen huge, huge, huge rewards with
(14:48):
this type of therapy. I think I really credit who
I've become because of this therapist and our work together.
So it's called a E d P for anyone who's
interested and you can go on the a DP website
and look for a practitioner in your area. It's definitely
lesser known so harder to find, but if anyone is interested,
that is what it's about. So I committed in January
(15:11):
and every Tuesday from there on out I have been
seeing her over Zoom and it has been incredibly helpful
to have that place to flesh it all out, to
have time to really talk about what's going on. You
all know I speak about emotional sifting a lot, which
means unpacking the layers of our emotions to figure out
what's below all of which we can't usually figure out.
(15:34):
A lot of times we know that we're sad, or
we're anxious, or we're depressed, but we don't know why.
And that's because there's so many layers by the time
we're feeling that emotion that we can label that we
don't know what's underneath it one by one and normally,
uh pre baby, I should say, you know, emotional sifting
was my jam. I meditate every morning and unpack layer
(15:55):
by layer and walk away fifteen minutes later really knowing
what's going on and how I can solve it or
care for myself that day. But given that I was sleepless, exhausted,
there were so many problems that had piled on top
of each other because I haven't been doing my emotional laundry,
I didn't know where to begin, and I needed the
professional help to kind of help me sift through it
(16:18):
piece by piece. So I did start to see her
and things were starting to lift immediately, and within a
few weeks of working with her, I admit things were
getting much better, but I still also knew that the
chemistry and my body still didn't feel right and that
I needed and was ready for the extra support. So
(16:38):
it was my call to bring up medication with her,
and I think that it's worth it. For a moment
here discussing my relationship to medicine in general, and again,
I want to be super clear here that I'm not
saying take the natural approach if you are depressed, go
for the medication if you and your doctor do feel
(17:00):
that it's right. But I also, after having an unmedicated
birth and going through the pregnancy experience, I do think
about my body in a very different way, and I
believe that our sensations send us information, and I don't
just take medication blindly because something hurts. And I think
(17:20):
that's kind of the difference here and why I'm bringing
this podcast to light. Being married to a doctor, having
a partner who's a doctor, I think this has really
empowered me to speak up when it comes to medicine
and doctors, to not take a back seat with my
health when it comes to dealing with doctor specifically. And
I really think that it's so important to trust your
(17:45):
medical professional, but not put all of your trust into
the doctor to the point where you abandon your own
intuition and anything that doesn't feel good. H So historically,
(18:08):
when I used to see doctors, I would describe my problem,
they'd give me a medication out the door, I went
take the medication, you know, report back if things overall
went well or not. I didn't really think about things
like side effects or how that drug may interact with
anything else that I was taking. You know. Again, if
a doctor prescribed a medication, I put my full trust
in that doctor. Took that medication and that's it. And
(18:31):
I think that asking questions is something that I didn't
really know that I could do, or maybe I felt
too afraid to do it that I might sound stupid.
Or it might kind of send the wrong message to
the doctor that I don't trust them. I also didn't
realize that there's so many options when it came to
medications and procedures, and we have the ability to advocate
(18:51):
for ourselves. But if we don't know the different avenues
that we can take to advocate for ourselves, I think
that's a lot harder. So that's really why I'm doing
this episode because I want you to feel empowered with
your health, regardless of if you're taking medication or not.
I want you to use your voice in medical settings.
Will be another time in your life where you're in
a medical setting and you can use your voice, and
(19:15):
you may feel fearful too, And I hope that this
episode kind of reminds you that you have the right
to ask questions. No question is a stupid question. You
can decline things, you can try different things, And that's
kind of what I want to get into in this
next part of the episode. While I'm certainly very pro medication,
especially in the mental health space, I truly believe that
(19:37):
every drug should be thought about being taken, and anytime
something becomes commonplace to take it or just do it,
we need to take a big step back. And I
think this was really brought to light by the fact
that I had an unmedicated birth by choice. However, I
come from a world where that is not commonplace. Everybody
I know has an epidural and they don't even think
(19:59):
about having an epid earl and it's just you know,
the doctor say you want the epidural, yes, and it's
not a big conversation around it. And in really taking
time in the past year to learn about epidurals and
drugs and different things, I think that we're not really
given all the information for a lot of things that
we necessarily just do. And I want to just flag
(20:19):
that really hopefully, I hope this is coming through that
whatever choice you make is your choice, and I stand
behind that. But I think it's important to really understand
what we're doing rather than allow these things to just
be commonplace without really you know, maybe we're given a
brochure about these things, but we're not really having the
big conversations. I think every drug, every medication, should have
(20:42):
a long conversation with you and your provider, with me
and my provider, so that you really understand the side effects,
the possible risks, the contraindications, all of that stuff. My
own personal relationship with doctors and medicine is that I
really look to my medical experts to guide me, but
(21:04):
I know that I'm the expert of my own body,
so I do trust my doctors, but it's up to
me to really ask the critical questions and gut checks
so that I can make the best decisions for myself.
And I hope to really just use my voice to
empower all of you to advocate for yourself, to ask
those questions in the hard settings and not be intimidated
by doctors. Instead, really tune into your gut and advocate
(21:27):
for yourself. So anyway back to my story, I knew
that in order for me to get back to me,
the me that I love, the me that I'm proud of,
the me that sees the world through a clear lens,
I needed the assistance of medication. At this point in
my life, I don't have an ongoing psychiatrist because I'm
not on medication. Psychiatrists are doctors that handle the medication
(21:48):
portion of things, where psychologists is usually talk therapy of
some kind. So my psychologists recommended a psychiatrist, but it
was our first time meeting each other, and she was great,
and because I've been successful on medications in the past,
I simply just told her what had worked. I was
really happy with my past use of medication and therefore
(22:10):
didn't have any hesitant going back on My memory was
the medication just helped me period. And she said, that's,
you know, still a really great drug. I recommend it
and this dose it. So she called it in and
I picked it up, and I do remember just taking
a good look at the bottle and taking a moment
for myself to just check in and be like, is
this what you need right now? And it was so
(22:31):
obvious to me that that the pills in the bottle
were my life raft and immediately upon taking them, within
a few days, actually I felt the benefits and I
felt my chemistry leveling out, and I felt like me
and it felt so, so so good. They say that
it takes two weeks for these types of medications to
check in, but again important to check in with yourself
(22:52):
as an individual, because I noticed the changes within days
and it just felt so good to have my energy
levels restoring, my brain fog lifting, feeling my neurons talking together.
I was feeling just so excited about life and really
enjoying being a mom and feeling like, yes, I can
do this. And right as all those positive feelings were
(23:13):
flooding my body, I also noticed that I had a
mouthful of canker sores. I am predisposed to getting canker
sores in my life when I am super stressed, sleep deprived, hormonal,
or when my immune system is kind of like shot.
I know that a lot of people are, but having
a mouthful of them is probably the worst thing that
could happen you. You know, you can't talk, you can't eat,
(23:35):
you can't drink water, It hurts to sleep, it hurts
to breathe. So it really impacts life in a way
that really doesn't work. And I just started to think, like,
what's going on that you have a mouthful of canker sores.
I looked at my diet and the only new thing
was the medication. And in that moment, a light bulb
went off in my brain where I remember the first
(23:55):
year of going on this medication. Every single month for
a year, I got a canker store or two. And
it was also the same time as I was doing
my dietetic internship where I was sleep deprived and stressed,
and I kind of just chalked it up to that
and never made the association to the medication because I
was on a prescribed medication, you know, my doctor prescribed it.
(24:18):
I never thought this could be a side effect. It
wasn't listed to me, and I never made that association.
So I, you know, of course, went to the googler,
and I googled, and it did say in a very
small percent of people, this has been reported. While I
can't say a percent this was related, it really flagged
to me how asleep I was the first time I
(24:40):
was on this medication that I didn't even correlate the
two because I blindly trusted medicine to solve my problems,
not realizing that solving our problems putting anything into our
body can cause new problems. So I reached out to
my doctor right away, and although she said that it's
not common or even something she's ever had patient, it's experiencing.
(25:01):
It is listed as a side effect, and it was
my choice or not if I wanted to continue taking them,
And for me, in that moment, my fear of my
mouth stores worsening was way too high. And so I
did stop taking them. That was a really hard decision because,
like I said, I was just starting to feel like me.
So my point in sharing this is to remind you
(25:23):
that medications do have side effects, so pay attention to
any changes that happen as soon as you begin a medication.
Ask your doctors beforehand the potential common side effects before beginning,
so that you can kind of have your feelers and
antenna's up and recognize that if your drug is causing
new problems that require more medications or more sort of
(25:44):
problems down the line, it might be worth again assessing
that initial drug that you're on. So looking back, for me,
when I was in my twenties, I was on a
lot of different medications, and I didn't realize how this
chain of events kind of piled onto each other because
as I just kept seeing a new problem and then
reaching for a medication, seeing a new problem and reaching
for a medication. Before I knew it, I was in
(26:06):
this cycle that I couldn't break, really dependent on a
lot of different things that my young self didn't need.
So that brings me to another point that I just
want to call out in this episode, which is the
belief that if a doctor prescribes it, it's okay. In
my life, I've had lots of friends and family justify
strange behaviors or things that they've done by saying, well,
(26:27):
my doctor prescribed this medication. And I just want to
call out here that just because a doctor prescribes a
drug does not mean that you a can't abuse it
or be that it's the right drug for you. Your
doctor is there to assist you, but you need to
be awake and communicate the side effects that are happening
so that they can properly help you problem solve and
(26:48):
provide new solutions until you find that right fit. So
now I'm kind of looking at medication, especially in the
mental health side of things, from this really appreciative lens,
like are so lucky to have medication, especially living in
this modern, really difficult world, but also a more discerning one.
I'm willing to try different medications, and I recognize that
(27:10):
there might not be a perfect solution here. Every time
we put a pill into our body, we are changing
the chemistry. But I need to find something that's going
to work with my unique body. And that's kind of
where I'm at with it right now. Started a new
med and we'll see how it goes. Like I said,
I'm not going to give any more updates on this.
I think it would kind of just be needless and
and not the point. This is less about my own
(27:31):
personal you know what I'm taking, and more about the
journey of being here and everything that I've learned, so
that in your mental health journey you can feel more
equipped than I was. My hindsight is so I want
your foresight to be and I'm hopeful that I'm going
to find a solution for me um. And I'm really
(27:52):
proud of myself for waking up and living in this
gray area during a time when there's so much noise
about what's right to do, and continuing to be my
own best caretaker when all these decisions ultimately lie in
my hands. So I want to thank you all for
being part of my journey. I'm really excited that spring
(28:14):
is coming. I am recording this on a cold day,
but I know spring is right around the corner, and
anybody that knows me knows that I thrive in the summertime.
You get a much more fun version of Lisa. So
I'm really excited for that. To see the leaves on
the trees, the sun beaming down, spend some time barefoot outside.
I feel like a lot of my self care toolbox
takes place in nature, and winter kind of hides my
(28:37):
toolbox for me. So thanks so much for listening and
being here. I hope you all have a great week.
M hm, no ill feel right. Even when times getheart
and feel you're in the dark. CU see just how
beautiful laugh can be. When you sophen your heart, you
(00:22):
can findly start to fire to see its life. Hello,
truth is life, Famelia, Welcome back. And in today's episode,
I wanted to talk a little bit about medication for
mental health, things like antidepressants, anti anxiety medications, and I
(00:43):
want to share my personal experience both in the past
and the current, which are very different, and also really
discussed this topic on a much more general level because
I've learned so much in the past ten years of
going through different experiences, and specifically since giving birth and ignancy,
I've learned a lot about how we can use our
(01:03):
voices in medical settings when speaking to doctors in ways
I definitely didn't do before. I feel like for a
long time I kind of just handed the power over
to the medical professional and silenced any sort of doubts
or questions that I may have had because I just
thought that, you know, they're the expert, which they are.
But in doing so, I think a lot of times
(01:24):
we abandon ourselves, and I think a beautiful way to
have a relationship to medicine and doctors is to have
one where we both contribute, where we ask questions in
a safe, non judgmental environment, and we receive answers in
a way that are supportive and guiding rather than telling
us exactly what to do. That's something I've become really
(01:47):
passionate about in the past year and a half or so.
I also want to get you up to speed on
my own personal postpartum mental health journey. I want to
be really candid about this part because the more I
seem to talk about it, the more I realize how
many people are suffering in silence and how they feel
really alone. And I hope to share that these feelings
are definitely universal, that the feelings persist far longer than
(02:11):
the world kind of allows to or kind of supposed
to just tuck away the difficult parts after three months,
six months, you know, get back to normal. And I
also want to share that there can be helped. So
if you are out there suffering, or you know somebody
who's suffering, I want to let you know that there
are resources that can meet you where you're at. There's
definitely still a lot of stigma around mental health and
(02:33):
medication and there's a lot that people don't understand, and
I think they view medication in this way that it's
kind of like a crutch, when in reality, it's more
like a life raft. And you know, when you really
understand the chemicals in your brain, how they're supposed to fire,
how they're supposed to have certain um neurotransmitters at all times,
(02:54):
and when you realize that your levels are low, uh,
you realize that you're not to blame, and in doing so,
you can take the best care of yourself. So I
think that medication can be a really critical part of
self care. But I think I bring a really unique
lens to the conversation around mental health and medication because
there's usually people that are all the way on the
(03:15):
far left that are saying, you know, no, don't you
don't need medication. Just meditate, do yoga, eat fruits and vegetables,
take the supplement. And then there are the other people
that are like, just take the medication if anything feels
painful or uncomfortable for you. And I think I'm somewhere
in the middle there to say, yes, medication is amazing,
it's life saving. It has been for me in the past.
(03:35):
But I also think that it should be taken with caution,
and you should really assess where you're at work with
a professional, ask a lot of questions, and combine that
with more natural approaches to taking care of your mental health. However,
big caveat here, a lot of times when we are
going through something really difficult, we need that medication to
help us then cultivate the tools like yoga, meditation, and
(03:58):
eating right to kind of build back up what needs
to be in place. That was certainly the situation for
me in the past. But one thing that I've really
realized here is that medication is not just a band
aid that we take and then it solves all of
our problems. And my most recent bout of taking medication,
I really learned a lot and it's opened my eyes
(04:19):
a lot where I want to talk about this in
this episode so that you can kind of not make
the same quote unquote mistakes that I made, but go
into perhaps considering medication with the understanding that you still
need to pay attention to what's going on in your
body after taking the medication, as sometimes medications can cause
new problems. As a little note, I will never mention
(04:42):
or share which medications I take or how much, And
I probably won't give another update on this topic. I've
already shared on Instagram that I did go back on
medication because so many people knew that I was struggling,
and I felt like it was only fair to really
have that discussion, especially after a few years back announcing
that I had gotten off medication. But I want to
be really candid here again because I want people to
(05:04):
know that they're not alone, that there can be a
solution out there, and again want them to feel empowered
when talking to their doctors in this arena where they
otherwise might feel a little bit powerless or not know
where they stand in the conversation. So for a little
bit of backstory, for whatever reason, I really thought that
after giving birth, I would, you know, really go through
the hard sleep deprivation, finding my bearings part for about
(05:27):
three months. I don't know where that number kind of
came to mind, but for whatever reason, I thought I'd
be able to really get back to work. I'd have
systems in place, my hormones would be leveling out, and
you know, I'd be quote unquote back to normal. My body.
My mind was definitely like okay, not so fast there
there is no going back. I'm six plus months out
now and I'm definitely still going through it deeply emotionally.
(05:52):
I think a lot of people, or myself at least,
thinks that pregnancy is nine months and then you go back.
But the truth is nothing ever goes back. The second
you learn that you're pregnant, your body is put forth
on a brand new journey where you never ever go back.
And I think it's really hard in this modern world,
in our society that views it as going back to
normal after a few months of having the baby, But
(06:16):
anyone who's ever given birth knows that there is no
going back to normal. I think your chemistry as a
parent really changes, and you are different. You are going
to change, You are going to be a little bit edgier,
you are going to be a little bit softer, and
all these things are really there to protect us. Actually,
I know that initially after giving birth, I felt completely
(06:41):
raw and anxious and sad for no reason. And I
also felt really on edge for a long time. And
in really getting to understand our bodies and why they
do the things they do, there's always a reason for
the things our bodies do, right, I've come to realize
that we, you know, are living in this modern world,
but we're doing a very primal thing and in order
(07:03):
to protect our babies, you know, and who possibly could
have been in danger if we didn't live in such
sheltered homes and you know, areas, if we lived out
in the wild, we would have to be on high alert.
And I think therefore, by having anxiety, by by kind
of having our feelers out at all time, by feeling
really raw, we're kind of on that prow ready to
(07:24):
pounce and kind of protect our babies at all costs.
So I think understanding our biology is really really important
because then we can also stop judging ourselves for feeling
a certain way, for being a certain way. And the
more we talk about this stuff, the more we know, Okay,
this is actually normal, I'm not crazy, and we can
really take the best care of ourselves rather than judge
(07:44):
ourselves for having certain emotions. So too, for a little
background on my own history of mental health, therapy and medication,
I've been in therapy my co life in different ways,
and along the way, I have also taken anti anxiety
an antidepressant medications that really helped me. Although my anxiety
(08:06):
and depression never involved feelings like suicide. I will say
that these medications saved my life because while I was
on them, it really gave me a chance to get
it together. And by that I mean by allowing my
brain to start producing the chemicals and function the way
I'm supposed to function. I used that time to develop
(08:26):
new skills, to create an environment for myself where I
could flourish where I had could create boundaries with people,
where I could develop even self respect. I could really
start to take inventory over my inner self talk and
my inner critic and kind of having things at baseline
allowed me to really do incredible, incredible, incredible work for
(08:50):
my nervous system. I feel like I was able to
rewire my nervous system with the help of these medications. However,
time went on and on and I felt like I
no longer needed them, while what started as a life
raft getting me to safety kind of felt more like
a crutch in this specific situation that I was in.
(09:11):
That is not a blanket statement to say that medication
is a crutch, but rather I felt like I had
really acquired the tools, I had gotten myself to safe
land in a good place in my life where I
felt like, Okay, let's see what this is like. Let's
see what my brain can really do on its own
now that I have these new tools. Once I went
(09:39):
off those medications, I was proud because I got to
really see all the work that I had put in
over the last five, six seven years. It was so cool,
especially because I had really built up the amount of
medications that I was on. I'm going to get into
it in a minute, but I didn't realize it. Different
medications can cause different side effects, and we can continue
down the rabbit hole of fixing those side effects with
(10:01):
new medications, and before you know it, you're on a
lot of medications. So in my mid twenties, I was
on a lot of medications that I was very dependent on,
and I felt really good to layer by layer, take
one of those off and equip myself with new tools.
So I was really proud of myself to look back
and see how much I grew while being assisted on medication.
(10:21):
But I do not see taking medication for mental health
or not taking medication for mental health as the victory.
The victory for me when it comes to using medication
for my mental health is to just be really honest
with myself and really provide myself with what I need
and recognize that those needs change. So when I went
(10:43):
off that medication the last time, yes, I was proud
of myself, but it wasn't you know, walking away from
them and saying, okay, you know, if I ever go
back on that means that I failed. I really really
really broke down any ideas in my mind that that
would mean that, and in ed really recognized that life changes.
We go through different life cycles and experiences, many of
(11:06):
which we can't predict, and others that we simply don't
know what it's like. We don't know what it's like
to get older, to experience loss, to have different hormonal changes.
And therefore I just promised to meet myself where I
was at no matter what. As I mentioned, with birth
and immediately after, I felt the mental health effects immediately.
Um However, things definitely got more emotionally complex for me
(11:30):
when I ran into issues with breastfeeding and nursing and
changed to exclusively pumping. Not going to go into that
in this episode, but exclusively pumping is so much more
challenging than I ever imagined. And for all the moms
that do it, I give you so much credit. And
for anybody who's not familiar, exclusively pumping is not just
pumping a few times a day, it's pumping six plus
(11:51):
times a day. You have to unrobe, strop yourself to
a piece of machinery. You can't pick up your baby
or get anything done. It takes thirty minutes. So many
hours of your day are going towards pumping, and it
just literally sucks the life out of you. And for me,
I felt like I couldn't be present for my baby.
I was so exhausted, staying up late because you can't
(12:12):
go too long without pumping or your milk supply starts
to dip, and then waking up really early because that's
the most important time to get your milk, and I
just really started to feel myself sinking again, not going
to go into that, but for anybody who's like, well,
why didn't you just quit? For me, I love nursing.
It was the best thing for my mental health, and
I was really focused on hopefully getting back there and
(12:33):
figuring out what our issues were. But when I realized
that that wasn't going to be the case, that's the
day that I gave up exclusively pumping. So whatever, my
perspective on life and reality was really skewed, and I
could kind of recognize that I was aware that I
was not taking in information properly, and therefore the lens
that I was seeing the world through was blurry. There
(12:56):
wasn't clarity, and that felt really scary to know that
I'm not taking in reality properly as somebody who's really
self aware. I really struggled with that because I could
tell that something was off. My relationship with my husband
was deteriorating quickly, and I had a lot of resentment
(13:19):
for everything going on, and I just felt really alone
and it felt dark. It really felt dark, and at
that point I knew that it was time to get
back into regular therapy. So I went back to my
old therapist what I used to see when I lived
in New York City, who does a type of therapy
called a e d P. It stands for Accelerated Experiential
(13:41):
Dynamic Psychotherapy. It's really hard to explain, and even when
I go on their website, I feel like you can't
take away what it is until you experience it. But
I will say that my favorite parts of working with
this therapist are Number one is that she requires that
I meet with her weekly as opposed to whenever I want.
That has been huge both in this season of my
(14:02):
life and when I first started to work with her.
And my second favorite part is that it incorporates body
focused practices. So my therapist is often using my personal
body language to better understand and listen to me and
bring me back home to what's going on. So sometimes
our bodies communicate when we're anxious or when we're experiencing
(14:24):
an emotion, and our minds don't really realize. But when
she notices me doing that, she'll call attention to the
fact that I don't know, Let's say, my leg is
kind of shaking. She'll say, your leg is shaking, and
then I'm brought back to that point that I was
otherwise just kind of talking over, and I'm able to understand, Okay,
my body is actually giving me a cue that something's
going on, and from there we dig a little bit deeper.
And I have just seen huge, huge, huge rewards with
(14:48):
this type of therapy. I think I really credit who
I've become because of this therapist and our work together.
So it's called a E d P for anyone who's
interested and you can go on the a DP website
and look for a practitioner in your area. It's definitely
lesser known so harder to find, but if anyone is interested,
that is what it's about. So I committed in January
(15:11):
and every Tuesday from there on out I have been
seeing her over Zoom and it has been incredibly helpful
to have that place to flesh it all out, to
have time to really talk about what's going on. You
all know I speak about emotional sifting a lot, which
means unpacking the layers of our emotions to figure out
what's below all of which we can't usually figure out.
(15:34):
A lot of times we know that we're sad, or
we're anxious, or we're depressed, but we don't know why.
And that's because there's so many layers by the time
we're feeling that emotion that we can label that we
don't know what's underneath it one by one and normally,
uh pre baby, I should say, you know, emotional sifting
was my jam. I meditate every morning and unpack layer
(15:55):
by layer and walk away fifteen minutes later really knowing
what's going on and how I can solve it or
care for myself that day. But given that I was sleepless, exhausted,
there were so many problems that had piled on top
of each other because I haven't been doing my emotional laundry,
I didn't know where to begin, and I needed the
professional help to kind of help me sift through it
(16:18):
piece by piece. So I did start to see her
and things were starting to lift immediately, and within a
few weeks of working with her, I admit things were
getting much better, but I still also knew that the
chemistry and my body still didn't feel right and that
I needed and was ready for the extra support. So
(16:38):
it was my call to bring up medication with her,
and I think that it's worth it. For a moment
here discussing my relationship to medicine in general, and again,
I want to be super clear here that I'm not
saying take the natural approach if you are depressed, go
for the medication if you and your doctor do feel
(17:00):
that it's right. But I also, after having an unmedicated
birth and going through the pregnancy experience, I do think
about my body in a very different way, and I
believe that our sensations send us information, and I don't
just take medication blindly because something hurts. And I think
(17:20):
that's kind of the difference here and why I'm bringing
this podcast to light. Being married to a doctor, having
a partner who's a doctor, I think this has really
empowered me to speak up when it comes to medicine
and doctors, to not take a back seat with my
health when it comes to dealing with doctor specifically. And
I really think that it's so important to trust your
(17:45):
medical professional, but not put all of your trust into
the doctor to the point where you abandon your own
intuition and anything that doesn't feel good. H So historically,
(18:08):
when I used to see doctors, I would describe my problem,
they'd give me a medication out the door, I went
take the medication, you know, report back if things overall
went well or not. I didn't really think about things
like side effects or how that drug may interact with
anything else that I was taking. You know. Again, if
a doctor prescribed a medication, I put my full trust
in that doctor. Took that medication and that's it. And
(18:31):
I think that asking questions is something that I didn't
really know that I could do, or maybe I felt
too afraid to do it that I might sound stupid.
Or it might kind of send the wrong message to
the doctor that I don't trust them. I also didn't
realize that there's so many options when it came to
medications and procedures, and we have the ability to advocate
(18:51):
for ourselves. But if we don't know the different avenues
that we can take to advocate for ourselves, I think
that's a lot harder. So that's really why I'm doing
this episode because I want you to feel empowered with
your health, regardless of if you're taking medication or not.
I want you to use your voice in medical settings.
Will be another time in your life where you're in
a medical setting and you can use your voice, and
(19:15):
you may feel fearful too, And I hope that this
episode kind of reminds you that you have the right
to ask questions. No question is a stupid question. You
can decline things, you can try different things, And that's
kind of what I want to get into in this
next part of the episode. While I'm certainly very pro medication,
especially in the mental health space, I truly believe that
(19:37):
every drug should be thought about being taken, and anytime
something becomes commonplace to take it or just do it,
we need to take a big step back. And I
think this was really brought to light by the fact
that I had an unmedicated birth by choice. However, I
come from a world where that is not commonplace. Everybody
I know has an epidural and they don't even think
(19:59):
about having an epid earl and it's just you know,
the doctor say you want the epidural, yes, and it's
not a big conversation around it. And in really taking
time in the past year to learn about epidurals and
drugs and different things, I think that we're not really
given all the information for a lot of things that
we necessarily just do. And I want to just flag
(20:19):
that really hopefully, I hope this is coming through that
whatever choice you make is your choice, and I stand
behind that. But I think it's important to really understand
what we're doing rather than allow these things to just
be commonplace without really you know, maybe we're given a
brochure about these things, but we're not really having the
big conversations. I think every drug, every medication, should have
(20:42):
a long conversation with you and your provider, with me
and my provider, so that you really understand the side effects,
the possible risks, the contraindications, all of that stuff. My
own personal relationship with doctors and medicine is that I
really look to my medical experts to guide me, but
(21:04):
I know that I'm the expert of my own body,
so I do trust my doctors, but it's up to
me to really ask the critical questions and gut checks
so that I can make the best decisions for myself.
And I hope to really just use my voice to
empower all of you to advocate for yourself, to ask
those questions in the hard settings and not be intimidated
by doctors. Instead, really tune into your gut and advocate
(21:27):
for yourself. So anyway back to my story, I knew
that in order for me to get back to me,
the me that I love, the me that I'm proud of,
the me that sees the world through a clear lens,
I needed the assistance of medication. At this point in
my life, I don't have an ongoing psychiatrist because I'm
not on medication. Psychiatrists are doctors that handle the medication
(21:48):
portion of things, where psychologists is usually talk therapy of
some kind. So my psychologists recommended a psychiatrist, but it
was our first time meeting each other, and she was great,
and because I've been successful on medications in the past,
I simply just told her what had worked. I was
really happy with my past use of medication and therefore
(22:10):
didn't have any hesitant going back on My memory was
the medication just helped me period. And she said, that's,
you know, still a really great drug. I recommend it
and this dose it. So she called it in and
I picked it up, and I do remember just taking
a good look at the bottle and taking a moment
for myself to just check in and be like, is
this what you need right now? And it was so
(22:31):
obvious to me that that the pills in the bottle
were my life raft and immediately upon taking them, within
a few days, actually I felt the benefits and I
felt my chemistry leveling out, and I felt like me
and it felt so, so so good. They say that
it takes two weeks for these types of medications to
check in, but again important to check in with yourself
(22:52):
as an individual, because I noticed the changes within days
and it just felt so good to have my energy
levels restoring, my brain fog lifting, feeling my neurons talking together.
I was feeling just so excited about life and really
enjoying being a mom and feeling like, yes, I can
do this. And right as all those positive feelings were
(23:13):
flooding my body, I also noticed that I had a
mouthful of canker sores. I am predisposed to getting canker
sores in my life when I am super stressed, sleep deprived, hormonal,
or when my immune system is kind of like shot.
I know that a lot of people are, but having
a mouthful of them is probably the worst thing that
could happen you. You know, you can't talk, you can't eat,
(23:35):
you can't drink water, It hurts to sleep, it hurts
to breathe. So it really impacts life in a way
that really doesn't work. And I just started to think, like,
what's going on that you have a mouthful of canker sores.
I looked at my diet and the only new thing
was the medication. And in that moment, a light bulb
went off in my brain where I remember the first
(23:55):
year of going on this medication. Every single month for
a year, I got a canker store or two. And
it was also the same time as I was doing
my dietetic internship where I was sleep deprived and stressed,
and I kind of just chalked it up to that
and never made the association to the medication because I
was on a prescribed medication, you know, my doctor prescribed it.
(24:18):
I never thought this could be a side effect. It
wasn't listed to me, and I never made that association.
So I, you know, of course, went to the googler,
and I googled, and it did say in a very
small percent of people, this has been reported. While I
can't say a percent this was related, it really flagged
to me how asleep I was the first time I
(24:40):
was on this medication that I didn't even correlate the
two because I blindly trusted medicine to solve my problems,
not realizing that solving our problems putting anything into our
body can cause new problems. So I reached out to
my doctor right away, and although she said that it's
not common or even something she's ever had patient, it's experiencing.
(25:01):
It is listed as a side effect, and it was
my choice or not if I wanted to continue taking them,
And for me, in that moment, my fear of my
mouth stores worsening was way too high. And so I
did stop taking them. That was a really hard decision because,
like I said, I was just starting to feel like me.
So my point in sharing this is to remind you
(25:23):
that medications do have side effects, so pay attention to
any changes that happen as soon as you begin a medication.
Ask your doctors beforehand the potential common side effects before beginning,
so that you can kind of have your feelers and
antenna's up and recognize that if your drug is causing
new problems that require more medications or more sort of
(25:44):
problems down the line, it might be worth again assessing
that initial drug that you're on. So looking back, for me,
when I was in my twenties, I was on a
lot of different medications, and I didn't realize how this
chain of events kind of piled onto each other because
as I just kept seeing a new problem and then
reaching for a medication, seeing a new problem and reaching
for a medication. Before I knew it, I was in
(26:06):
this cycle that I couldn't break, really dependent on a
lot of different things that my young self didn't need.
So that brings me to another point that I just
want to call out in this episode, which is the
belief that if a doctor prescribes it, it's okay. In
my life, I've had lots of friends and family justify
strange behaviors or things that they've done by saying, well,
(26:27):
my doctor prescribed this medication. And I just want to
call out here that just because a doctor prescribes a
drug does not mean that you a can't abuse it
or be that it's the right drug for you. Your
doctor is there to assist you, but you need to
be awake and communicate the side effects that are happening
so that they can properly help you problem solve and
(26:48):
provide new solutions until you find that right fit. So
now I'm kind of looking at medication, especially in the
mental health side of things, from this really appreciative lens,
like are so lucky to have medication, especially living in
this modern, really difficult world, but also a more discerning one.
I'm willing to try different medications, and I recognize that
(27:10):
there might not be a perfect solution here. Every time
we put a pill into our body, we are changing
the chemistry. But I need to find something that's going
to work with my unique body. And that's kind of
where I'm at with it right now. Started a new
med and we'll see how it goes. Like I said,
I'm not going to give any more updates on this.
I think it would kind of just be needless and
and not the point. This is less about my own
(27:31):
personal you know what I'm taking, and more about the
journey of being here and everything that I've learned, so
that in your mental health journey you can feel more
equipped than I was. My hindsight is so I want
your foresight to be and I'm hopeful that I'm going
to find a solution for me um. And I'm really
(27:52):
proud of myself for waking up and living in this
gray area during a time when there's so much noise
about what's right to do, and continuing to be my
own best caretaker when all these decisions ultimately lie in
my hands. So I want to thank you all for
being part of my journey. I'm really excited that spring
(28:14):
is coming. I am recording this on a cold day,
but I know spring is right around the corner, and
anybody that knows me knows that I thrive in the summertime.
You get a much more fun version of Lisa. So
I'm really excited for that. To see the leaves on
the trees, the sun beaming down, spend some time barefoot outside.
I feel like a lot of my self care toolbox
takes place in nature, and winter kind of hides my
(28:37):
toolbox for me. So thanks so much for listening and
being here. I hope you all have a great week.
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