“Moines De Moines Iowa” w/ Lauren Ash

Is your job CLOWN? Are you a ghost that braids horse mane? Then you’ve come to the right place! This week the supremely talented and hilarious Lauren Ash (“Superstore,” “Not Dead Yet”) talks the untrustworthiness of birds, crow funerals and of course, peanut butter powder. Plus a romantic date at Starbucks! One iced Canadian latte to go please!

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
No, who are you wearing? Will there be pressed to
Ali Baba?

Speaker 2 (00:09):
She Honey, yeah, I didn't and ride I hear it.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
Last there'd be they've got last of podcast. But honey, no, no, no, no,
Honna grash peees. We live in the glamor life like
celebrities and sharing our favorite feb recipes. But honey, no, no, no,
no aunographs.

Speaker 1 (00:39):
I got no autograph.

Speaker 2 (00:41):
Oh my god, is this the penultimate?

Speaker 1 (00:47):
I was about to say that this is our ultimate
episode of season one Lucky number fourteen.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
Now listen. I used to think penultimate meant it was
like the most ultimate, like the most awesome. I didn't know.
I did not know that the word means it's the
second to last.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
No I know. And why do we call it a
prenup instead of a pen up?

Speaker 2 (01:06):
What does that mean?

Speaker 1 (01:07):
I don't know. I like Lauren Ashore, not dead yet
not show only on every hit. They actually still make
hit comedies and you happen to be on all of
the hit comedy.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
True Crimes and Cocktails. She's the host of this very
popular podcast. Also, she has a new single. Talk about
new singles out.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
I didn't know about the single seat.

Speaker 2 (01:31):
From a Lauren ash leave.

Speaker 4 (01:33):
You're so happy to be.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
You love your horror.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
You're a singer, I am, I like, did not know
this is that? Did you start with singing or start
with comedy and acting and stuff?

Speaker 4 (01:44):
We You know what's funny is it depends on how
far back you want me to go. I know it
was always my dream to be an actor, but it
was kind of more of my dream to be a
rock star, and so I pursued acting and then got
into comedy and then but I've always written songs since
I was like thirteen. Never, yeah, I just never play well.
I did play them. I played them in high school

(02:05):
and then I shouldn't have those ones, shouldn't have have
had year.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
It's like the era when you just shouldn't do it,
you do it. You shouldn't do it, but you do.
And that's what makes I think a real performer, harder crowd.
It's only up from there.

Speaker 2 (02:22):
Yes, I gotta tell you need to get your sea legs,
your ten thousand hours. I loved your post about it.
Now by the time this airs, it will have been
a couple of weeks ago, but you were just saying
how it's so much easier to not do things, but
that if you just like, if you have this calling,
Like I love the idea of like just do it.

Speaker 4 (02:39):
Yeah, you know it's funny because I turned forty this
year spoiler alert, and I for my birthday through this
party where I hired a band and we played a
set of cover songs and it was the best night
of my life.

Speaker 1 (02:51):
So adult, it really is. That's so classy. I'm serious.

Speaker 2 (02:55):
It was your favorite song to sang?

Speaker 4 (02:58):
Oh mother their Tracy Bond?

Speaker 2 (03:01):
Wow, how does that go?

Speaker 4 (03:05):
Here's the family?

Speaker 1 (03:06):
Remember? Then she goes Everything's fine.

Speaker 4 (03:10):
It's kind of like it almost feels like it's like
it's not comedy, but it toes it a little bit, yeah,
which I love.

Speaker 1 (03:16):
It almost goes to camp did you do?

Speaker 2 (03:19):
Did you do any Atlantis?

Speaker 4 (03:21):
Atlanta's got cut at the last second.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
It's in a.

Speaker 4 (03:23):
Tough place in my range.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
But yeah, why was the ALA's pick that you cut?

Speaker 4 (03:28):
You ought to know, of course obviously.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
Yeah, you like that song, or at least you like
to sing a song that starts a little precocious and
then just goes fucking hog wild with you there. I
love a crescendo.

Speaker 2 (03:41):
Do you ever do you ever?

Speaker 5 (03:42):
Do?

Speaker 1 (03:42):
Heart?

Speaker 4 (03:43):
I have not, but I would love to do hard.

Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah. Yeah, Lauren.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
By the way, surrender surrenders fun to not.

Speaker 5 (04:00):
Know.

Speaker 2 (04:00):
I can't remember. Also, Hi, Katie Levi kat Doctor Banana
is hiding out somewhere. She hates us. She is she's
with all the workaholics guys.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Settle. Settle salla that people from Canada say Toronto, not Toronto.

Speaker 4 (04:17):
Correct.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
They say Toronto Toronto hot.

Speaker 1 (04:20):
I love it.

Speaker 4 (04:22):
If someone says Toronto, then they're either from not near
there or they're Yeah, they're not They're not Canadian.

Speaker 1 (04:31):
Honestly, I only say Toronto because I like to fit
in everywhere.

Speaker 4 (04:37):
Here's another one big city. I'm not going to say
it because I.

Speaker 2 (04:40):
Don't want to fell it.

Speaker 4 (04:41):
M O n t r.

Speaker 1 (04:42):
E a l Montreal French? How do you say it?
How do you say?

Speaker 2 (04:53):
Here's what I love?

Speaker 4 (04:54):
Though you were both completely accurate in your own ways,
you did it with the full accent French of the
more and you said it that's how we say it.
But people I find here Americans they say Montreal Montreal.

Speaker 2 (05:08):
I'm a New England gal so I inherited a cat
named m I T t e n s. How do
you say that?

Speaker 4 (05:14):
Mittens?

Speaker 2 (05:15):
That's right? People go mittens.

Speaker 4 (05:16):
I'm like mitten.

Speaker 1 (05:18):
I cannot stand the mitten double teeth. It's hard. I
hate when people say it's it's just minten and it's ditto,
not ditto. I know everyone yeah either five.

Speaker 2 (05:32):
Seconds so like we get it. You can enunciate now.

Speaker 1 (05:36):
Lauren, Yes, Laren, I'm only going to bring this stuff
for five seconds because I only that's all I want
to talk about. Have you watched any of the have
you seen?

Speaker 4 (05:45):
It's on my list, it's going to be I'm going
to be doing.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
Are you now? On your podcast? Do you cover like
a crime an episode or is it like you go
through a whole like is it a few episodes for
great question?

Speaker 4 (05:57):
Yes, typically it's one crime for episode times. Once in
if there's a lot, we'll do like a two partner researcher.

Speaker 1 (06:03):
Do you have a favorite?

Speaker 4 (06:05):
My co host, my cousin and the love of my life,
Christy Oxborough, she is our main researcher. She is horedible
moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada.

Speaker 2 (06:12):
Come on, Christie right she is?

Speaker 1 (06:15):
Yes, what has been a recent one's? I guess loved
might be a strange word, but when you really got
into it.

Speaker 4 (06:24):
Well, honestly one that so I researched one for every
you know, I don't know four to six that she does.
I do one. I like to try and give her
a break shoo to film and I'm in right now.
Is Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild. I'm going to
tell you why it was shocking. Okay, no murder, but
I also like a true crime. That's that's the non murder.
You cleans the palate. Yeah, I had no idea about

(06:48):
some of the things that have happened to him, and
also that he's currently a fugitive running from the law.

Speaker 1 (06:53):
Didn't realize that to him.

Speaker 4 (06:56):
So in I want to say two thousand and four,
but don't quote me.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
It was.

Speaker 4 (07:00):
It was in the peak of Girls Gone Wild. Now
tell me if you've if you've heard this, I had
never heard this, and I'm a pop culture like Mayniere.
He gets home one night and someone had broken into
his home and was waiting for him with a pink
long dildo and filmed him and forced him to say
didn't force him to actually do anything with it, but
forced him to like put it near his bare ass

(07:21):
and say the hill. I'm Joe Francis from boy's gone
wild and whatever. Here's what's wild. That guy has spent
more time in jail for doing that than Joe Francis
has for doing other crimes. For crimes, I'm really bad
ones too. Oh yeah yeah, but I had I was like,
how is this not? Absolutely? I have everywhere?

Speaker 1 (07:42):
No with the dragon tattoo esus traumatizing, which she takes that. Okay, yeah, okay,
I know. I'm a true crime very recent true crime.
Not I've I've gotten nat reached daylight.

Speaker 2 (07:57):
I get freaked out by true.

Speaker 1 (07:58):
I got to say it sometimes puts me top Isn't
that disgusting? I mean, it's sick that I can't.

Speaker 2 (08:04):
I gotta like do it when I'm having adult sleepovers
of people. Because I cannot, I get too scared.

Speaker 4 (08:12):
I used to be like that, and then I just
immersed myself to the point that now it's it doesn't
affect me.

Speaker 1 (08:18):
And that I'm with you. I guess who knows? I
could be America's future next sociopath.

Speaker 2 (08:24):
I hear for it.

Speaker 4 (08:24):
I researched Gaysey early on, and I went too deep,
like I just was in it for too long, if
that makes sense, and that one kind of it like
changed my brain chemistry.

Speaker 2 (08:35):
I only heard a little bit about the Golden State
Killer and the teacup on the back, and I was like,
I'm out.

Speaker 1 (08:39):
Do you remember that? You remember the guy who got
away from John Wayne Gacy like got handcuffed to John
Wayne Gacy's bar or something, and the John Way Gacy
went to go dress as a clown and the guy
was like, this is what I remember. The guy was like, John,
what are you doing? Get me out of these this
handcuff right now? And he like snapped to it and
was like, oh sorry, and like let him go.

Speaker 2 (08:56):
Wow. I'll tell you. As a small child there, my
neighbors used to have two like German shepherds that would
chase me down the street and Rhode Island on the bike.
And I remember I had friend there was even younger
than me, and I would be like seven or should
be five, and I would have to stand there in
the middle of the street and go go home, go
because they were like coming to attack us, and I'd
have to stand and scold them and then they would

(09:16):
run away. But I had to be the autpha a boy.
Was that against my nature?

Speaker 1 (09:21):
I also got to say this, yeah, and this is
a warning to all mothers and children and brothers and
sisters and neighbors. Sure okay, yes, very specific groups.

Speaker 4 (09:32):
And if you don't fall into one of those groups,
I'd like to give you a hug. What's happened?

Speaker 1 (09:38):
Okay, here's my piece of If you are a grown
man living with your mother and it's not because you
have to take care of her and your job is clown,
you need to be turned in because if it hasn't
happened yet, it's about to thank you forever.

Speaker 4 (09:52):
If your job is clown.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah, that's yeah, that's right, your job is That's right.
That's exactly.

Speaker 1 (10:01):
I did. I did say that honestly, like I've been
living in this country for five years. Just clown, clown you.
This actually leads perfectly into and are my autographs please?
Energy this week is actually along these lines. It's about
a ghost, okay, a ghost that from like the nineteenth
century that I had heard about another podcast and then

(10:23):
was addicted to it and read more about. And this
was like a very sort of like you know that
movie The Witch, like very that energy that era in
New England. People were spooked. It was witchy. This there
was a ghost that would visit this like family who
had this big ranch with horses and all of this stuff,
And the only thing the ghost would do is they

(10:45):
would wake up in the morning and all of the
horse's hair would be braided their tails.

Speaker 4 (10:53):
So what I'm hearing is is this is an adorable
young gay.

Speaker 2 (10:56):
Boy ghost, completely fabulous.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
And they would even like sleep in the same the family,
like sleep in the same room together to make sure
like no one was doing this. No, they couldn't never
catch it. It was like and it was like a haunted.

Speaker 2 (11:11):
That's a really fun goal.

Speaker 1 (11:12):
Can you wake up and the horses would look? Why
would they done it?

Speaker 2 (11:15):
Why wouldn't they give me a nice friend?

Speaker 4 (11:18):
Exactly?

Speaker 2 (11:18):
Honestly, if I could pay a ghost to come into
my hair, do a nice girl girl every night, do
like a beachy like a like like my time, are
you crazy? If I could harness a ghost like aspiring hairstyle, I.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
Was actually with you, and that that ghost could not
find his true self as a human. Sure it wasn't
gonna happen, especially if, especially if you were gay, or
a woman, or actually anything other than a white man, yea.

Speaker 2 (11:49):
A child, a neighbor.

Speaker 4 (11:51):
Yeah, yeah, it was hard for everyone.

Speaker 1 (11:54):
He went into that afterlife. And he was like, you
can't shut down those ghosts.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
Ranical goes out of hair. You can't shame me now,
Earl exactly. Yeah, guess what I'm going to make this
horse look fabulous?

Speaker 1 (12:12):
It would breid this and tail imagine and many horses.
I mean it was like a human couldn't do this
in a night, not to mention the horses, Like, wouldn't
kill you.

Speaker 2 (12:23):
Now if you were if you want to have a
ghost to like jizu up at night every night, what
would you have them to do in your house, to
your to your home, to your.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
Lock my fridge.

Speaker 2 (12:34):
Oh I'm a night eater? Are you a knight?

Speaker 4 (12:38):
Years?

Speaker 1 (12:38):
I am?

Speaker 2 (12:39):
Have we were cross paths in Rhode Island.

Speaker 1 (12:41):
In the night, maybe, except you were probably dressed in
twenty five coats and five Remember sometimes puend the summer
together at her brother's brother. She does this thing where
she just instead of like maybe putting on something warmer
or whatever, she just keeps adding clothes. Yeah, so wearing
like a shirt like a sweatshirt over a jacket over

(13:01):
another jacket, Like I am right now, it's like this
sort of thing which I love, like this like this.

Speaker 4 (13:06):
Oh it works though, like this.

Speaker 1 (13:08):
And this gardens are real insomnia.

Speaker 2 (13:12):
Right now.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
She does that thing like if she has to wake up.
We had to catch a flight, so I had to
wake her up in the morning. Yeah, she does, which
I do too. By the way. She does that thing
where you knock on her door and she pops up
like she's been up for hours and it's just not
the case. She like tries to fake.

Speaker 2 (13:25):
You out and I'm like, good morning.

Speaker 1 (13:26):
Yeah. She's like, hey, how's it gone, And I'm like, yeah,
I know. You don't have to do that for me.

Speaker 4 (13:31):
A single tear.

Speaker 2 (13:34):
I'm fine. My man friend says, because he's an early
bird and he he caught like he's like mourning arden.

Speaker 6 (13:40):
Is this?

Speaker 2 (13:40):
I love good morning.

Speaker 1 (13:43):
It's like you're receiving company to say good morning.

Speaker 4 (13:47):
I woke up recently trying to have that energy with
my little dog who was sleeping with me, and she
kind of like came up here and was looking at me,
and I wanted to say, oh, my child, yeah like that,
but what came out was night Yeah. Did she like yes,
she was kind of like not feeling slowed, but she
got nervous.

Speaker 1 (14:07):
Yeah, you know what I love. Yeah, when I had
a dog coming home and just you know how they
do that like bashful wag at the beginning, like their
ears are back and they're like they can't I can't
eat them alive, and.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
Squeets me at the door, and she stands on her
hind legs and she stands up like a dog when
I walk in, and she's gonna smell my far ahead.
Do you have no autograph? Please nominee or two or
course I do please.

Speaker 4 (14:34):
It is yeah, all of the birds in my neighborhood,
and I'm going to tell you about them. I come
outside one day there is a little bird maybe five
to six inches tall, sitting looking very dazed on my
outdoor table. And spoiler alert, we got a lot of
birds of prey in the area, big guy huge. I

(14:57):
live in the valley, okay, but wild.

Speaker 2 (15:00):
There was a few right near the reservoir that are
literally feels like it's tarodactyl. They're huge.

Speaker 4 (15:07):
Oh and at the time, May she rest in peace.
I had a four pound dog named Peaches, love of
my life. But they would they would circle, and I
would constantly, like a mad woman, just be like, don't
you try it, Yeah, don't you try punch a hawk.
I'm not afraid.

Speaker 2 (15:23):
I wish you could punch a hawk.

Speaker 1 (15:25):
Nothing better than I would love to walk down the
street just like that woman screaming at the birds again.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
Yeah, superstar ladies punching a.

Speaker 4 (15:32):
Hawk again, which is ironic because that character was obsessed
with birds, and I feel like now I'm being hated.
So this little bird, I was like, I can't leave
this bird here because the hawks. It was getting to
be dark, and it was like the hawks and the
falcons are gonna come and they're gonna eat this bird.
And there it was something off about it, you know.
So I brought out a little tiny thing of water
and it let me get close.

Speaker 2 (15:52):
I put it.

Speaker 4 (15:52):
Down and then and then it went like waddled over
and starts to drink, and I'm like, oh gosh. And
then I go back in and I get some bread
crumbs and I put those down and it's start.

Speaker 2 (16:00):
It's to eat, and I'm like oh.

Speaker 4 (16:01):
And I sat in silence watching over this bird without
exaggeration for an hour. Sure then I'm like, well, it's
not going anywhere. I'll make it a home. So I
go in, I get a box, I get yes, and
I make this little bed for it, and I put
it beside it, and then I sit down and then
the bird turns and looks at me and swoops at

(16:21):
my eyes. Flies with the force of a thousand men.
Just came at me, chased me into my home.

Speaker 1 (16:28):
That is terrify.

Speaker 2 (16:30):
It was absolutely, bitch, I'm trying to help you. Trying
to help you.

Speaker 4 (16:34):
Then very quickly to tell you why. It's the whole
community of them, because it's not one another one. I
came and it was probably like I don't know, like
a hawk or a falcon. It was at least a
foot high, sitting staring two feet from my sliding that door,
at my dog inside, staring literally in the and then
looked me in the eyes. And I looked in the

(16:56):
eyes and was like.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
It come out here, expect it.

Speaker 4 (17:00):
Long story short, The final piece of this story is
I go out one day. What's in front of my house? Yeah,
a dead hawk, same size, no blood, no trauma, just
laying in front of my home. And I'm like, this
is a message. They're sending me, a message, the bigger hawks.

(17:22):
And so since then I was like, okay, I guess
I can't. I haven't yelled us since and you know,
I haven't seen them around.

Speaker 2 (17:27):
I gotta tell you, you got to know when to back
off your fight with it.

Speaker 1 (17:30):
Afterlife, birds y talk to each other. They do, they do.
They are communicator brilliant.

Speaker 2 (17:35):
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 (17:36):
They do? They can because what they'll here's okay. I
have a friend who one time put a crow in
a pillowcase. He was four, but he like caught a crow.

Speaker 2 (17:44):
Your friend was for a holida you thirty two.

Speaker 1 (17:46):
Exactly hang out all the time. No, he was probably
like six, but he caught a crow and like brought
it in his house. He was like a latchkey kid.
His parents were working whatever. He brought a crow home
in a pillowcase. You, No, it wasn't. But then he
had no adding, I wouldn't get in the miracle.

Speaker 2 (18:02):
It sounds a little bit like it's like, yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
No, So he loved Danny. So no, it was I loved.
So he put the bird in like a makeshift cage
or something. He looked out the window. There were like
a thousand crows, a murder of crows, a murder of
crows staring into his window.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
So, like that movie The Birds is real.

Speaker 4 (18:25):
They hold funerals. Did you know this.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
They're like brilliant crows.

Speaker 4 (18:28):
They can do math, they can do like something like
second or third grade masters.

Speaker 2 (18:32):
They're like so smart, hold funerals. What do they do?

Speaker 4 (18:36):
I read this whole thing. If one of them dies,
they will all gather to like pay respect. But also again,
don't cross them. You can borrow with them. You can
make deals with them. Did you know this? If you
leave things for them, like food and stuff like that,
they'll bring things back as like a thank you. And
then if you up the food, they'll bring nicer items

(18:58):
like they understand the concept. They understand like bigger and better.
Then they'll bring you something the understand.

Speaker 2 (19:05):
You scratch my back, I'll scratch you.

Speaker 1 (19:06):
Or if I had to have a superpower, if my
Marvel character, yeah, my character would be I would be
able to summon a bird and have it attached to
someone's head. Oh, I would say, like birds in flight,
land in that hair.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
Yeah, I'm like, catch me like an executive that's like
not interested at like peacock exactly.

Speaker 1 (19:28):
I would be like the bird, you.

Speaker 2 (19:30):
Know specifically, I mean it's a bird. Well, okay, my
not AUTOGOSTI dominated this is just this is like a
little minor nominee, and I've nominated this person before. This
person is myself. I'm just as reminded as you were talking.
I might have done this before you tell me. And
because I have other nominations. I was hiking at Chris

(19:52):
Pack with my friend Chris, and it was really hot
one summer day and we were going up like a
trail and there was a rattlesnake and I was terrified.
And Chris has brought me, like when times were leaner,
she brought me and her like with their family. She
brought me to like Berlin. They brought me to Mexico.
She let me when I lived in New York, she

(20:13):
let me like stay in her beautiful home for free,
in like this gorgeous little apartment for months. So so
like Chris has really taking good care of this, very nice.
So we're hiking up behind her house and we come
across this rattlesnake and in a moment, I'm afraid. I
see the rattlesnake and my instinct it's not rattling, but
it's big and it's messing, and it's across the trail

(20:35):
and it's hot, and my mother nature takes over and
I take Chris, and I shove her at the snake
between me and the snake. To protect myself.

Speaker 4 (20:46):
And this is a minor nomination. I just feel like.

Speaker 2 (20:54):
To protect myself by giving them Chris, I sacrificed is
I pushed her at the snake between us. I pushed
Chris at the snake. She could, I literally was. I
also then started laughing so hard because I couldn't believe
what a true piece of I cannot because that was

(21:17):
like not pure lizard brain was like, oh, I'm going
to shove you between it. For sure. I shoved Chris
at the snake.

Speaker 1 (21:27):
Well, yeah, that that qualified, It qualifies.

Speaker 2 (21:31):
I was not going to be my nominee.

Speaker 1 (21:33):
I will never go on a ke with you.

Speaker 2 (21:35):
It's hot.

Speaker 4 (21:38):
If it wasn't hot, maybe you wouldn't have reacted that way,
No snake wouldn't be out.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
Ultimately, it was what you're missing, is it was the.

Speaker 2 (21:45):
Snake's false Yeah, of course it was. Now when it's hot,
I mean, can you imagine because she could.

Speaker 1 (21:54):
Have been bit of course that's scary.

Speaker 2 (21:56):
And she's been nothing but generous and gracious.

Speaker 4 (21:58):
Do you have personally insurance? Yeah? Okay, oh these are
the times. These are the times you think about it,
you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (22:06):
Could you go into Canada, Yeah, and just you could
just tell the doctor, hey, I'm here to charge.

Speaker 2 (22:12):
My friend pushed me at a snake.

Speaker 4 (22:16):
Yes, and no, you have to have had residency for
six months, okay, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (22:19):
But you could yourself go in and say, this is
what's happening. If I see a bill, I'll light it
on fire. So jokes on you, Like, they're not going
to bill you.

Speaker 4 (22:28):
I mean they will. They will bill you if you
were Yeah, if I went right now and whatever, they
would bill me. But the other thing to remember, too,
is that the prices are cheaper, so you know, there's
also like you want to.

Speaker 1 (22:38):
Essentially the sisters just better there.

Speaker 2 (22:41):
It's really good.

Speaker 4 (22:41):
It's really good. That's why people you never see a
bill ever normally, So if you're living in Canada, billing
doesn't exist at all.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
I went on a trip as a child with an
American doctor who I believe went to med school in France,
and we were at a cabin and Vermont. But I
remember he was out chopping wood and uh, there was
like a padlock and it was like, very cool.

Speaker 1 (23:06):
This sounds and heed.

Speaker 2 (23:12):
He took the pad lock and he stuck it in
his mouth, and then the lock attached to his tongue
and then he had ripped the tongue in the lock
with his tongue off of it, and then he put
fluffernutter on to stop the bleeding. Is that no autogra
entertain one hundred percent?

Speaker 1 (23:30):
Absolutely?

Speaker 4 (23:33):
What are someone who felt like he was defying the
science of how locks work?

Speaker 1 (23:39):
And I would say he's got the stuff? Can I
get his number?

Speaker 5 (23:43):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (23:43):
I was just gonna say.

Speaker 2 (23:46):
My brother broke his arm as a child and we
drove over to their house and he wrapped He used
a shingle from his roof to be like a and
he wrapped it and my brother had so many splinter
splinters all on his like like it like they distressed
real behavior to New England.

Speaker 1 (24:04):
Yeah, it's akay. Picture it's all just duct tape for
a for to feel search.

Speaker 2 (24:09):
You could you could picture that, I can it is.

Speaker 1 (24:11):
It is a Raskally group.

Speaker 2 (24:12):
But I love Okay, great, So obviously we're gonna it's
what happens in our podcast because it's a natural flow
going into going into our next segment. We're gonna take
a quick break. Yeah, and when we come back. Lauren,
You're not You're not even gonna believe this. Brian Safie
and I, Yes, we go. We improvise a date, a
first date, and it has done well of course, and

(24:34):
our listeners every week. These are real lines. We do
not want the context out of context. Our users have
submitted these lines that have been said to them in
real life on dates. And when you hear this sound,
that means you're about to hear a real life line
that was it out loud to a fellow human being,
a listener of this podcast.

Speaker 1 (24:54):
You know all we need from you, or if you
have a girlled cheese handy, you could just bring it
out when you hear that sound now.

Speaker 2 (25:00):
But what we need from you? I would like the
name of maybe two people you grew up with, or
two people from your past. A first and a last
name for men, it could be a first and last
name for Brian. What is my name?

Speaker 4 (25:11):
Your name? Meredith Rose Bush A good beauty.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
I'm jealous of that name.

Speaker 4 (25:18):
Yeah, I just made it up.

Speaker 2 (25:20):
It was Brian's name.

Speaker 4 (25:22):
Mm hmmm, I don't know why. Why does my brain
go Alfred Denver ad that's.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
A soap opera.

Speaker 2 (25:31):
Name's the location?

Speaker 1 (25:33):
Oh yeah, I somed not. Just like to keep it simple, Sophora.
I was thinking Starbucks.

Speaker 4 (25:39):
Oh class, Starbucks.

Speaker 2 (25:41):
Let's do it.

Speaker 1 (25:41):
What city mo It's it's next to des Moines. I
couldn't get the city des Moines.

Speaker 2 (25:50):
Moyin des Moines, Moyn des Moines. Okay, when me come back,
Meredith rose Bush and Alfred Denver will be a Moyne
des Moines, Iowa Starbucks. We return with Meredith Rosebush and

(26:13):
Alfred Denver and the monde Moine Starbucks.

Speaker 1 (26:19):
Alfred Meredith A, well, you are very chic.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
Oh well, you remind me of a serial killer, but
not in a bad way. Really, I did notice you
were wearing clown pants. I just thought that the kids
are wearing wearing a clown.

Speaker 1 (26:40):
I was a clown, but I got fired forty minutes ago. Yeah,
so I did rush over from a clown job. Anyway,
nice to meet you.

Speaker 2 (26:50):
It's wild that you're a clown. You kind of give
me cozy mom vibes.

Speaker 1 (26:55):
I give you cozy. Is that a turn on for you?

Speaker 6 (26:58):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (26:58):
I just feel I just feel like you could tucked
me in with some chicken noodle soup and then jerked
me off under the comforter.

Speaker 1 (27:05):
Did your mother did you?

Speaker 2 (27:08):
Huh?

Speaker 1 (27:09):
No, nothing nothing, d Starbucks high.

Speaker 4 (27:13):
Someone peed all over the toilet. I hope it wasn't you.

Speaker 1 (27:16):
It actually was me, so I did. I I'm from
my waist down, I'm a clown. Okay, these pants are
sort of very you understand automatically. Okay, so these.

Speaker 4 (27:26):
I come from a long line of clowns.

Speaker 1 (27:28):
You're kidding?

Speaker 2 (27:29):
Who's your star?

Speaker 1 (27:31):
Who do you? Who did you? Who was your grandfather? Clown?
Your your father?

Speaker 2 (27:35):
Sparkles Sparkles Utah.

Speaker 1 (27:38):
I don't know if you know this, Meredith. Sparkles of
Utah was one of the It was a watershed moment
the first time he pulled out his realize, ye put
them back in and then yeah, and then I.

Speaker 2 (27:53):
Remember Glitter that haunted me as a child. Listen, I
was breasted until I was like five, and so I
remember I was breastfeeding and I was watching that and
it was haunting. I will never forget. I was just
stuckling on my mom's teeth. I had to be in kindergarten.
And then I said the aired that on TV. That
was spooky.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
I gotta say, you've had quite a life.

Speaker 2 (28:15):
You know, thank you. I I don't know.

Speaker 1 (28:18):
If I meant it is a compliment. Oh listen, I've
never been to a Starbucks. Okay, Oh, but I would
like I'm just guessing just from what I hear on
the ads. Sure, a Grand Mocha, Lensle.

Speaker 2 (28:31):
Moca lent.

Speaker 1 (28:35):
Corchata cream vanilla okay, uh hot for pay?

Speaker 4 (28:41):
Okay please, Absolutely not a problem.

Speaker 2 (28:43):
I would like a red Pupil Canadian iced blended Trina Tino,
and I would like that with extra whipped foam and
sprung plays.

Speaker 4 (29:00):
You remind me of my ex. I've never wanted to
kill anyone more. Oh wow, I just can't believe you
brought up the spronk lays. I mean, it's it's not
that we don't offer them here, but they're just they're tough,
they're tough to make. It's a bit of a it's
a bit of a bee.

Speaker 1 (29:13):
Your ex used to like sprunk Clays or what what's
all day?

Speaker 4 (29:17):
Spronklays morning sprong Clay's moon sprongklays.

Speaker 1 (29:22):
He sounds really trendy, he was. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:24):
I just want to say, I'm surprised you don't recognize me.
You had sex as my ex do you remember.

Speaker 4 (29:32):
Well, I totally fuck your brother if you look anything
like you say, Wow, I'm just picturing you in like
a short man wig and I'm I'm aroused.

Speaker 1 (29:43):
Wears. Let's go Okay, well I'll go to my car
to see the wigs. Cut to that. Okay, so I
for I forgot your WIT's right on your tagh nonah
no nah.

Speaker 2 (29:55):
Hey, listen, is it cool that I brought my friends?
I hear my friends here? Is it cool that I
brought my Is it cool that I brought my friends?

Speaker 1 (30:02):
I guess, but I don't have a lot.

Speaker 2 (30:03):
Of time TV. Oh, my friend Keikoko, and then my
final friend.

Speaker 1 (30:12):
Trent did Meredith? Trent? I guess I'll start with you.
Didn't Meredith tell you this was going to be a
date because I just sort of assumed it was just
a one on one date with me and Meredith.

Speaker 4 (30:23):
Can I let you in on a little secret.

Speaker 1 (30:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (30:26):
Money's just paper and only has value because of society.
I don't think about things in those terms. I don't
think about dates of being between two people. They could
be between a whole community of people.

Speaker 1 (30:33):
Wow, I iron my money. You can do that, you know,
because it's made of cloth. Wow, hang on, I don't
need to be badgered in this parking. I believe what
I believe, and I hear all of you kids, all
you children, you and you and you and you and
you and you help me kicko and you Kiko, you think, Oh,

(30:58):
isn't that so funny? Isn't it so funny to do
things that our parents didn't do? Isn't that hilarious? I
do what my parents did, what I do want my parents?

Speaker 2 (31:08):
There were clownslic Okay, well, listen, I'm cool with that.
Donald Trump isn't racist and he respects gay people way
more than Hillary does.

Speaker 4 (31:18):
I want what the kind of facts.

Speaker 1 (31:20):
Are on that I would agree. Keiko, I gotta.

Speaker 2 (31:23):
Tell you, I thought you were a Republican.

Speaker 1 (31:25):
I am a Republican, but I like her philosophy. I'm
a very modern Republican, a.

Speaker 2 (31:30):
Very Republican, but socially liberal, of.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
Course I am. Have you decided if you want to
sleep with me yet?

Speaker 2 (31:37):
WHOA?

Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yes? Sorry? No, no, that was a slip.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
I don't know what Okay, sorry, no, go ahead? Is
it cool? My tooth just fell into my lap?

Speaker 4 (31:49):
That's from the spronk l as. This is part of it.

Speaker 1 (31:51):
Listen. She wants to kill her ex.

Speaker 2 (31:53):
Okay, I know, do you remember that my ex? Do
you remember?

Speaker 4 (31:58):
I guess she wants to I've only had sex with
three people, so it's not the other two.

Speaker 2 (32:03):
I am a uti right now from fucking guys. But
I don't want to fuck guys anymore. I want to
fuck you.

Speaker 1 (32:09):
Really. Wait, but I am a guy.

Speaker 4 (32:11):
Wait a minute, will you watch me fuck this melon?
It's no, no, not Melon, and she's.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
Not at this Okay. I have some respect, no love
for Kicko. By the way, I want to Actually, what's
your name again, Meredith? I think you should put your
hair down because that's what the people want from you.

Speaker 2 (32:31):
Really. Have you taken a Twitter pool?

Speaker 1 (32:33):
I did. I took your picture. I showed it to
all your friends, right.

Speaker 2 (32:36):
Guys, Yeah, yeah, gicko.

Speaker 1 (32:39):
They all agreed.

Speaker 2 (32:40):
Then I should put my hair down. Okay, it's very long.
Let me take it down. Will you hold on? You're
gonna have to hold on to it, okay, because it's
really coiled off.

Speaker 1 (32:48):
My god, my hand's slipping right off at you for shampoo? Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 (32:52):
Look, I was breastfed until I was like five. My
dad was a big home video maker. And I'm in
many of them grabbing for my mom's boobs, including it
my fifth birthday.

Speaker 5 (33:02):
Wow, do you think your parents ever had an affair?

Speaker 1 (33:06):
But let me think about this, kik for sure, there's
definite there.

Speaker 2 (33:13):
Yeah, I'm certain that mind died with the neighbors.

Speaker 1 (33:16):
Get us connected. You want to go back in and
order that drink?

Speaker 2 (33:19):
Yeah? Do you want to go back to my place
while I film you for Twitch?

Speaker 1 (33:23):
First of all, no, I want to go back inside.

Speaker 4 (33:25):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (33:25):
Second of all, you can film me for Twitch inside. Okay.

Speaker 2 (33:28):
Look, we could go do the movies. You could open
the back door of the theater and let me in.
I don't want to pay for a ticket.

Speaker 1 (33:35):
I want to go pay for some drinks. I came
here to imbibe.

Speaker 2 (33:39):
Okay, okay, okay, back.

Speaker 1 (33:41):
In the Starbucks? Can we order now? Please?

Speaker 4 (33:45):
No, I was following you.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Oh you're right. I did invite you out there.

Speaker 5 (33:48):
I know.

Speaker 2 (33:49):
No, we order now.

Speaker 1 (33:50):
We gotta make this quick because I have to leave
after one drink because I have a chicken breast in
the fridge that needs to be used.

Speaker 2 (33:56):
How old is this chicken bread? D darn o, you
really shouldn't eat old chicken bread.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
How much do I owe you?

Speaker 3 (34:03):
No?

Speaker 1 (34:03):
No, well how much do I know?

Speaker 2 (34:05):
How much?

Speaker 1 (34:06):
No?

Speaker 4 (34:06):
No, no, Well your ragtag group of friends added some
drinks and and stuff.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
Okay, money is no objecting.

Speaker 4 (34:14):
Let me just take a look and.

Speaker 1 (34:15):
Carry the couse. You definitely do this old school.

Speaker 2 (34:19):
Yeah, I'm reading six dollars and fourteen problem for Alfred Denver.
I'm okay, Denvers?

Speaker 1 (34:27):
Do you take? Do you take traveler secks?

Speaker 4 (34:30):
We don't.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
Do you take discover?

Speaker 4 (34:32):
We do?

Speaker 1 (34:33):
Okay, great, I don't have a discussion. Here's my discuss.
Oh my god, I have so many Discover points right now. Yeah.
I can win a car from Alamo in like one
more year. Yeah, I'll be able to do it one
night for you. It'll be great. Okay, your thighs are
beautifully marbled steaks. I want to say that I saw
you making our drinks, and I gotta tell you.

Speaker 2 (34:50):
You never you have not made me.

Speaker 1 (34:53):
I mean, we've been connecting.

Speaker 2 (34:55):
Okay. Look, I have nine cats that live in my
bedroom because my parents are allergic. So if we're connecting
and you're planning on coming back, just know there's going
to be thirty six paws all over.

Speaker 1 (35:05):
You cut to that house do you have a roommates.

Speaker 2 (35:10):
I have nine cats.

Speaker 1 (35:12):
This is not a cat.

Speaker 2 (35:13):
This is I am not a cat's Pamela.

Speaker 4 (35:16):
I never asked to live with the mind.

Speaker 2 (35:18):
This is Pamela.

Speaker 1 (35:19):
Pamela, you got brought into this situation that she even
asked if you wanted nine cats.

Speaker 4 (35:23):
My pama be cool, Okay, all right, Meredith, I'll be cool. Yeah,
I don't know. It's one of those things where it's like,
I know, it's probably for the best. It's like teaching
me good live skills, taking care of these animals and stuff.
But I never wanted to sign up for Liz.

Speaker 1 (35:37):
I want you to wrap your spider legs around me.

Speaker 2 (35:39):
White, Pamela.

Speaker 1 (35:40):
I'm sorry. I'm a wourd dog.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
I'm not on me. Look, I don't feel like this
is unding you.

Speaker 4 (35:47):
I know, okay that my legs may be skinny like spiders.
I wish I could go to the gym, but I
have a large cyst on my back so I can.
Oh my god, Pamela, what happened, Pamela?

Speaker 1 (35:59):
Did you slam your back? Can do a card?

Speaker 2 (36:01):
That happened? Large cyst on your back.

Speaker 4 (36:03):
I'm a very sisty woman.

Speaker 1 (36:09):
Yeah, that's terrible.

Speaker 4 (36:10):
I got to assist in my brain. That's a true story.

Speaker 1 (36:13):
Is that you should probably get a checked out.

Speaker 4 (36:15):
Did you know how did I know? Well, I'll tell
you how I knew. I was volunteering at the Humane
Society of the Cats. One of them attacked me.

Speaker 1 (36:23):
All right, you brought attacked mid tins and the kittens
every day.

Speaker 4 (36:30):
I am triggered by that Minton's cat.

Speaker 1 (36:32):
I can't believe you would do that to Pamela. I mean,
I don't know her. I know you a little better,
but I would never do that taking Pamela side because
you brought a cat and that attacked her.

Speaker 4 (36:41):
Oh my god, that's the sexual tangent between you two
could get cut with a knife.

Speaker 1 (36:45):
Really, Okay, have you decided if you want to sleep
with me yet?

Speaker 2 (36:51):
I just feel like you could check me and with
some chicken noodle soup and then jerk me off under
the comforter.

Speaker 1 (36:56):
I want to circle back to that for a second.
So you want me to Pamela get this?

Speaker 6 (37:05):
You give me cozy mom vibes? Oh okay, I love
cozy mom?

Speaker 2 (37:10):
Does what do I want? Get it right?

Speaker 1 (37:14):
I guess you want me to wear Here's what I'm
guessing clown pants, a shawl, yes, a blouse.

Speaker 2 (37:20):
Yes, a number one mom sweatshirt.

Speaker 1 (37:22):
Clown pants, pants, mules, sensible heel mules, and I would
assume you right. You want me to make is the
chicken soup? Does it have to be like the homemade.

Speaker 2 (37:33):
Stocks made with love from Mama?

Speaker 1 (37:36):
And then you'll jerk me off?

Speaker 2 (37:37):
No, you jerk me off under the comfortable. Oh that's
how I speak now. And that's all the girls are.
You know what? It's sex positive for ladies and moin all.

Speaker 1 (37:46):
Right, it deal is the deal. But if you don't
shower and shave your legs every day, I don't see
things going further than tonight.

Speaker 2 (37:52):
Well, what joke, said you? Because I have not showered
and shaved in the month of May, September or January.

Speaker 4 (37:59):
Let me tell you a little something. Please about my
roommate Meredith.

Speaker 1 (38:04):
Give us some of that down home.

Speaker 2 (38:07):
I hear about it. She's my yogurt.

Speaker 4 (38:09):
You know women's stomachs look like Doctor Zoidberg.

Speaker 1 (38:12):
Who is Dodberg?

Speaker 4 (38:15):
I never thought you'd ask.

Speaker 2 (38:17):
Don't care all about it.

Speaker 4 (38:19):
Doctor Zoidberg is a man who became very famous in
the nineteen seventies. Okay, Okay. He's got a very dumpy
little face, shrunched up, kind.

Speaker 1 (38:27):
Of like you're smelling something bad.

Speaker 2 (38:30):
He always has stink face, ye okay, resting stink face.

Speaker 4 (38:34):
Yeah, kind of reminiscent of like a soft lady belly.
But I gotta tell you, even though women's stomachs do
look like doctor Seidberg, I've never seen a woman's stomach
quite like merediths.

Speaker 1 (38:46):
Can you give us a little stumming?

Speaker 6 (38:48):
Thank you?

Speaker 1 (38:49):
Can I see your stomach?

Speaker 2 (38:50):
Okay? Well? Will you watch me fu this melon?

Speaker 4 (38:55):
It's a nice show. I'm gonna be honest. I just
to say it twice a week. And I got to
tell you I would pay for a front row.

Speaker 1 (39:02):
All right? What kind of I have? Listen in my
trunk because I, of course I'm a clown. I'm very
I'm inspired by Gallagher, who wasn't a clown but to
me was so. I have all kinds of melons ready
to smash. So is there do you want a water melon?
You know that? Auto? Okay? And what are you gonna
do again?

Speaker 2 (39:18):
You're gonna a fuck Okay, I'm gonna fuck it.

Speaker 1 (39:22):
Okay, I have to be honest. I have to leave
because I have a chicken breast in the fridge.

Speaker 4 (39:26):
That needs to be used to wait a minute, White,
a minute, White, a minute?

Speaker 2 (39:29):
Tell us more.

Speaker 4 (39:30):
You two just aren't communicating. You're not speaking the same language,
because if you were listening, you would know the Meredith
here asked for chicken noodle soup, and it sounds to
me like you've got a chicken breast that absolutely needs
to be.

Speaker 1 (39:42):
My god, Pamela, you are brilliant.

Speaker 2 (39:50):
I can't believes laid out in front of me.

Speaker 1 (39:56):
You should be.

Speaker 2 (39:59):
Oh bro Winfrey.

Speaker 4 (40:03):
The crystals I energized last night, warned me about you
trust me. It's a good thing.

Speaker 1 (40:07):
Oh my god, I'm so glad we came back here.

Speaker 2 (40:11):
Should we go get married in Kanada?

Speaker 1 (40:13):
Yes? And I just need to get that. I'm not
kidding about that chicken.

Speaker 2 (40:16):
I'm not kidding use it tonight.

Speaker 1 (40:19):
I'm not what's gonna happen. I'm gonna go.

Speaker 2 (40:20):
I'm not kidding about.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
I get my Pamela, do you mind if I come
back Kara cook? My kitchen is filth nasty.

Speaker 4 (40:27):
Look I watched this woman fuck a watermelons last a week.
You are more than welcome here. Do whatever you like.

Speaker 1 (40:33):
I'm going to get my nearly old chicken. I'm bringing
you back here. I'm making a stock while I'm cooking,
just because time permitting, if you could fuck the melon
in the kitchen while I'm making the chicken stock, and Pamela,
if you could sort of you know, cheer on it
conscious during and then also if you could at any point,
you know, get some of the nasty out of the cyst,

(40:55):
just so we can all do this quickly because I
do have to go.

Speaker 4 (40:57):
Of course, Now, do you want to look at my
iTunes library kind of figure out what the vibe is
gonna be in here?

Speaker 2 (41:04):
I'd like that.

Speaker 1 (41:05):
Okay, let's see we have Steely Dan, we have head
Steely Clan, we we have nearly Men and cover bands
of Seely Dan.

Speaker 2 (41:16):
I love Steely Dan.

Speaker 1 (41:18):
See your favorite song of theirs? Please?

Speaker 2 (41:20):
And she also loves Diary Street.

Speaker 4 (41:22):
Yeah I do, I do.

Speaker 1 (41:23):
I do.

Speaker 4 (41:24):
My favorite Steely Dance song is a very annoying it.

Speaker 1 (41:27):
That's okay.

Speaker 6 (41:28):
We're walking down the street and we're talking about we're
gonna go, We're gonna be there, and I.

Speaker 5 (41:34):
Knew right there and you were thelone that we would
get married, baby fs fun because you had that look
in your right, and I knew it wasn't just your style.
I knew he was gonna be together forever, forever.

Speaker 4 (41:51):
I'm steely Dan.

Speaker 1 (41:53):
Yeah, that's our song. That's our song. I had the
most lovely time.

Speaker 2 (42:00):
This isn't my best date I've ever been on.

Speaker 1 (42:01):
Me too. Would you like to do this again? Sometimes? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (42:05):
Go, I'll look at that melon.

Speaker 1 (42:08):
That would be great next time. If you pay, we
can go somewhere nicer.

Speaker 2 (42:12):
Thank you, and we're back.

Speaker 1 (42:23):
I don't want We just perfectly stepped in and.

Speaker 2 (42:32):
Day Dan saw so great sauce.

Speaker 1 (42:35):
We were saying in the break, by the way that
none of us could name one. No, I have no
idea what they say.

Speaker 2 (42:40):
In my mind, they're Michael McDonald meets dire Straits.

Speaker 1 (42:43):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (42:43):
Now, first of all, how did you think the date
went and what was the worst line that you had
handed to you?

Speaker 4 (42:49):
I I think the date went really well. I was
really happy to be there playing the role of the mediator,
really be in the mirror to react back to you.
You know, so I think that my favorite Okay, who
is doctor Zoidberg? First?

Speaker 1 (43:04):
I don't know, I have no I was the one
who pulled that quote, and I have no idea, Katie.
Do you know who doctor Zoidberg is? Is it from
like Doctor Who or something?

Speaker 4 (43:13):
I don't know. I'm looking listen look it up. I
think my favorite worst line is I totally fuck your brother.

Speaker 2 (43:20):
Oh yeah, that's pretty pretty brutal.

Speaker 4 (43:23):
But then I also just want to say for the
person who said I wish I could go to the gym,
but I have a large syst on my back, so
I can't. I don't know that you can't walk or run? Yes,
you got assist.

Speaker 1 (43:33):
This is doctor Zoidberg. I never watched Future.

Speaker 4 (43:37):
It's like the lobster.

Speaker 2 (43:38):
Yeah, man, what's the what's the doctor Zuidberg line?

Speaker 4 (43:43):
You know women's stomachs look like doctor Zuidberg.

Speaker 1 (43:45):
Whoa?

Speaker 2 (43:47):
But what was your most horrifying line?

Speaker 1 (43:49):
I for me, your thighs are like beautifully marbled steaks
is really upsetting. I think that's like Armie Hammer viruses.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
Will you watch me? This melon was confusing to I'm
a mask.

Speaker 1 (44:02):
And also just the pure anxiety. I could just imagine
this drip of a person who shows up on a
date and says, can we make it quick? I've got
a chicken breast that's got to be used tonight. That
is almost unattractive thing. I never heard.

Speaker 2 (44:16):
Next time, if you're paying, where it can go somewhere
late night, sir, I cannot. What is a bad thing?
Do you remember any lines that you've had said to
you on date?

Speaker 1 (44:25):
Okays?

Speaker 4 (44:26):
Been on a million I've been trying to partner in
this city for ten years.

Speaker 2 (44:31):
It's a disaster, a disaster. It's really hard.

Speaker 1 (44:34):
I feel like I have luck in every city but
this one.

Speaker 2 (44:37):
That's why I make you all should any other city
it's hard. I would be married and.

Speaker 4 (44:43):
Yeah, anyway, I think the ones that come off the
top of my head and I won't give the context
like this game now he said, you must spill shit
on yourself all the time with tits like those.

Speaker 2 (44:53):
No first night, first date, first people. I had a
guy say to me, do you mind if I say
the S word? I said yes, I do, and he's
like series. I was like, well, all right, check.

Speaker 1 (45:05):
Please, that's awful.

Speaker 4 (45:06):
Yeah, I always that I also have Yeah, I don't
think I should people don't.

Speaker 1 (45:11):
I didn't like that.

Speaker 2 (45:12):
I was like, he was awful.

Speaker 4 (45:13):
But a man pick his nose and eat it three
times on a date? I am dead serious.

Speaker 1 (45:19):
So upset right now. I one time a guy said
you should spend the night. I can make you breakfast
if you don't mind brown bananas. Okay, yeah, I think
it was supposed to be a joke, but it was
so horrifyingly disgusting. Yeah, but I was like, you know
what I'm worth? You are?

Speaker 2 (45:34):
Yes, you are.

Speaker 1 (45:35):
It's hard in La, It's terrible.

Speaker 2 (45:38):
We're going to bake and chat and then but while
while I'm baking.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
By that, I mean microwave for one minute, We're.

Speaker 2 (45:43):
Gonna microwaving peanut butter pumpkin dessert. That's That's so Brian
and I are trying to become lifestyle influencers.

Speaker 1 (45:51):
I'm glad you included me in that sentence art and.

Speaker 2 (45:56):
We have to be Do you want to make this?

Speaker 1 (45:58):
I don't. Actually do you.

Speaker 2 (45:59):
Have any bad parents?

Speaker 1 (46:01):
Removed?

Speaker 4 (46:01):
Do I have any bad parents?

Speaker 1 (46:04):
I've been removed from Bacon we think you. I was
removed not only by the producer of the show, but
by the love of my life, Arden Marine. I have
been twice removed. We are first cousins, twice removed.

Speaker 2 (46:17):
Do you want to be the baker today?

Speaker 1 (46:18):
I actually don't.

Speaker 2 (46:19):
Okay, So, so were you raised by wolves enough that
you could enjoy lazy Mosley really summed it up in
the air of like diet diet.

Speaker 1 (46:30):
I like this.

Speaker 4 (46:31):
Oh yeah, I grew up extremely poor, so I have
a feeling this is gonna be right up.

Speaker 2 (46:35):
My we don't know how to cook. We're both like
basically last cute orphan raccoon. Yeah, and we're also have
like monster sweet tooth, late night little sneaks, and then
we want to fit in our pants.

Speaker 1 (46:47):
I don't know this one has been rating this new kid,
this is I do?

Speaker 2 (46:50):
Okay, great.

Speaker 4 (46:51):
I used to date a couple of personal training you're
you're well aware of.

Speaker 1 (46:55):
Now what were their political beliefs? I have also dated
a personal trainer and it was were they were they fringe?
The once I dated, I not even dated. I hung
out with a few times. I realized like, oh, you
are like full qano, like there's something to me, there's
a connection. But those things, that's fine.

Speaker 4 (47:11):
Mine were not. They were actually quite liberal.

Speaker 1 (47:14):
Let's good.

Speaker 2 (47:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (47:14):
I dated one he said he was moderate. We all
know what I means. Yeah, Flag, it's completely you know
what it felt.

Speaker 2 (47:23):
I felt.

Speaker 4 (47:23):
I felt like what I kind of realized after was
that I feel like he was almost fetishizing, like, oh,
how how sweet this dumb liberal woman is?

Speaker 1 (47:33):
How cute?

Speaker 4 (47:34):
Like it was like it was almost that.

Speaker 1 (47:35):
That's all very that's very like male writer es. They
always tell stories about a guy who doesn't know what
he wants and he meets this wild liberal woman. You
know what I mean exactly Like I feel like that's
what you really just.

Speaker 4 (47:50):
Eyeball that there, Oh, there's nothing when they see my
first goat.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
We used to rate this cake on a scale of
one to ten until someone give it a zero, So
now it's zero to ten. How did you bring this specific?
Can me to show cameras, but this specific cake, Warren,
I will be honest with you. The last few it's
been ten, before that nine and before that nine and
a half. Wow, this one is on point.

Speaker 4 (48:13):
Okay, Well, I had listened back to some of your
earlier episodes where there was some concerns about the sweetness,
So I brought something that could make it sweeter.

Speaker 1 (48:21):
Gret, which is, oh my gosh, fruits. That's exciting.

Speaker 4 (48:27):
That's a sealed box.

Speaker 1 (48:29):
Yes, that's for you.

Speaker 2 (48:30):
Yes, love like that. I love shell like that.

Speaker 4 (48:35):
I love fruit loops. And when I saw that they
had married them to a lucky charm by adding marshmellows,
it's everything you wanted to be.

Speaker 2 (48:42):
I agree with you. I also love frut lips, and
I also love lucky charms.

Speaker 4 (48:46):
Yes, you look.

Speaker 2 (48:47):
I was raised by a man who gave himself diabetes.

Speaker 1 (48:50):
Have you noticed that egg? Have you noticed that the
lucky charms didn't stop.

Speaker 2 (48:53):
Beating, didn't stop beating sweets died, just jamming shots in
his belly with like fucking like literally, his entire midsection
was blue because he kept eating cat.

Speaker 4 (49:03):
Now that looks like doctor Zoidberg.

Speaker 1 (49:05):
That is a full doctor Zoidberg stam. Oh my god,
I gotta tell you. I don't know if anyone has
clocked this, and maybe you can discuss this on your troop.
Smells good, oh man, smells like smells like two smart words,
a way of getting smacked across the face.

Speaker 2 (49:20):
That smells good. That sounds like childhood, Like Mom's tom.
Mom's tom is gonna be all right?

Speaker 1 (49:28):
Yeah, that's like Mom's home. You're only supposed to have
one snack Wells and you had twenty.

Speaker 4 (49:33):
I would drink drink, I would eat three heaping bowls
of cereal in the morning. Didn't need it.

Speaker 1 (49:41):
Just pumping children?

Speaker 4 (49:43):
Oh yeah, for sure, two bulls would probably have done it.
Is the other thing? Why the third one?

Speaker 1 (49:49):
Are you kidding me? Literally, when I used to be
a real late night snacker and it was always sweet,
I was like, you know what I'm gonna do. I'm
gonna buy cereal because really all I want is ice cream,
but better to eat able of sere.

Speaker 2 (50:00):
The problem is is that one bowls there's no leftover.
You're gonna put more in. Then you got too much
that they get an add milk.

Speaker 1 (50:09):
The list of things I can buy is so limited me.

Speaker 2 (50:12):
To the Freshman fifteen is not from beerds from the
cereal bar and.

Speaker 1 (50:16):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
Oh god, Lauren, Yeah, what's your self care routine?

Speaker 4 (50:22):
Watching you? It's the best thing I've ever seen. This
is a show for me.

Speaker 1 (50:30):
I love it. I got it. Not too much of
the peanut butter, though, I think, or not too much
of that pumpkin I oh god, okay, I got it, Lauren.
Can I tell you? Can I be honest with you? Can?
I love it with you? I was told three times
that I could no longer make this cake. And by
the way, the secret is I don't want to, but
I can still be offended about it.

Speaker 4 (50:51):
That's your prerogative.

Speaker 1 (50:52):
And here's what I here's going to be my pitch
for the next true crime. What are they doing to
the Lucky Charms Leprechaun Scarier. I'll show you. I'll show you,
and I would I would love everyone to hop online
and look at this evolution for yourself. But there is

(51:13):
such a domber vibe to him now that I truly like,
something's happened, is all I'm saying, And he looks.

Speaker 4 (51:21):
I want to cover this. So sometimes on our Patreon,
I will do Disney movies as true crime, so I
report on them as true.

Speaker 1 (51:28):
Crime cases, like we give an example.

Speaker 4 (51:30):
That's so it would be like, you know, like Ariel's
father domineering, you know, like these kinds of things, you
know what I mean, And like I talk about like
all of the grit but I think that maybe tackling
the Lucky Charms Leprechaun could be on there.

Speaker 1 (51:42):
This isn't even the worst one. It just happens to
be the most recent. But it's not good. I mean,
it's it's there's something, there's something real one percent about
him wowser.

Speaker 4 (51:53):
While the eyebrows.

Speaker 1 (51:54):
Oh, that's where they're sucking up, is the eyebrows.

Speaker 4 (51:57):
He looks like he's on meth. Like he looks like
he's like I could conquer the completely.

Speaker 1 (52:01):
No, and there are others of him that are truly
She wanted to know something insane. I just heard to
Jennifer Aniston movie or interview with Howards Jehmer. She said
that doing Leprechaun was a mistake. And I'm like, oh,
why are you even saying that or talking about you
weren't working? Like, of course you did it.

Speaker 4 (52:16):
What's a mistake about it?

Speaker 1 (52:17):
Nothing?

Speaker 2 (52:17):
What's a mistake about friend?

Speaker 4 (52:19):
And yes, it was a terrible experience. And she's like, oh,
some staks was a terrible experience. There's they did not Yeah,
I guess her career really suffered.

Speaker 2 (52:26):
Was the lead?

Speaker 1 (52:27):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (52:28):
Yeah, It's like, well, what the hell he.

Speaker 2 (52:29):
Supposed to do the lead?

Speaker 4 (52:31):
Did you know? There was also a series of Leprechon
movies where they'd put him in space, for example, Leprechawn
in the Hood was another one.

Speaker 1 (52:38):
I remember that my words, not mine, No, no, no,
I remember that. But just for context, this is what
he used.

Speaker 4 (52:43):
To look like a little kind of horrible a little
a little nymph, a little pixie.

Speaker 1 (52:50):
And I'll tell you else. If we're gonna talk, Cereal,
let's do marry fuck kill. I already know who I
would fuck.

Speaker 4 (52:54):
I can't wait.

Speaker 1 (52:55):
Okay, I would fucking marry Tony the Tiger, no, full stop,
the absolutely, the absolute.

Speaker 4 (53:00):
Take a punch for you.

Speaker 2 (53:01):
Okay about the burglar one? Is it there a burglar?

Speaker 1 (53:05):
Cris? Oh yeah, yeah, Chris, Okay, Mary fuck kill to
can't Sam?

Speaker 2 (53:10):
Wait? Look at this?

Speaker 5 (53:12):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (53:12):
Look at that?

Speaker 2 (53:13):
Yes, look at this?

Speaker 1 (53:15):
You can't Sam? Tony the Tiger?

Speaker 4 (53:17):
Yeah yeah, yeah, Count Chocula Okay.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Mary fuck killed Count Chocula. Tony the Tiger to can't Sam?

Speaker 4 (53:24):
Well, first of all, you can't kill Count schoculay kill him?

Speaker 1 (53:29):
Okay, he's out of the picture. Tony the Tiger to
can Sam?

Speaker 4 (53:33):
Captain Clinch, See, I'm killing too, can Sam? Even though
that beak feels like it could do the trick?

Speaker 1 (53:40):
Yeah sure, yeah yeah?

Speaker 4 (53:41):
But why did Why did I have to do that?
That is vile? That is what I'm being single in
LA for ten years does to you?

Speaker 1 (53:49):
I could do the trick.

Speaker 4 (53:52):
I'm turning into an old gross uncle anyway. Uh, this
is tough because I think Tony the Tiger feels like
he's a little more wholesome to me, like he's seems
like more of like a family man. Captain Crunch feels
like he's a full lander, you know what I mean
every part. Yeah, I think I Captain Crunch and I
marry Tony the Tiger.

Speaker 1 (54:10):
I know he's the He's the guy I will say
this about. I don't know if the to can't. Sam
has always had this. I mean, he basically has a
pride flag right on his snout. Do you think that's
for June? Do you I think it's like secret we
are grooming them. You know, you think it's like starting breakfast.
You gotta start. He's given me. That is true.

Speaker 2 (54:34):
That's a good pride flags, beautiful gadget.

Speaker 4 (54:37):
You know what, he should make him a gay icon.

Speaker 1 (54:40):
Absolutely bring him, make him the Grand Marshal.

Speaker 2 (54:44):
That's good.

Speaker 4 (54:45):
It's actually a really good idea.

Speaker 2 (54:46):
A good drag. It could be a good drag person.

Speaker 1 (54:49):
I want Fox News. I want Fox News to know
that to Kant, Sam is absolutely grooming your children. Put
that out there. He's a gay icon.

Speaker 4 (54:56):
He's a gay icon.

Speaker 1 (54:57):
He's doing the work.

Speaker 4 (54:58):
Think about this he's like in a Conston state of party.
He basically comes from somewhere tropical all the time.

Speaker 1 (55:03):
By the way, he calls himself a fruit. You know
what I mean.

Speaker 4 (55:08):
Look look at how that's spelled. Fr we're talking about.

Speaker 1 (55:12):
He's a couple of balls up there.

Speaker 4 (55:14):
Oh yeah, yeah, that's the gay agenda right there.

Speaker 1 (55:16):
Oh my god, I can't believe it. Wowser, that looks
so good.

Speaker 4 (55:22):
We cook this for a minute.

Speaker 1 (55:26):
First of all, that that's your first question about this.

Speaker 4 (55:29):
You're gonna love what My next day was gonna be
what I want to try this at home?

Speaker 2 (55:32):
That's right, So I love this idea from the top.
You want the top.

Speaker 1 (55:36):
Oh yeah, don't go to the bottom. We learned that. Sorry,
sound like Donald Duck. Oh wow, wow, I mean you
gotta just look at how gorgeous the color.

Speaker 4 (55:49):
The color Listen, it's so good. Here's what I'm gonna say.

Speaker 2 (55:52):
It's so good.

Speaker 4 (55:53):
I didn't expect it to be that good. Again, I
have listened to some episodes where I'm gonna be honest
to do the reviews.

Speaker 2 (56:00):
Great Town Parents. I don't know about your parents, but
they had a situation where they had, like the fully
stocked fridge.

Speaker 4 (56:06):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, they weren't. They weren't cobbling things together,
going back voluntarily.

Speaker 2 (56:11):
For we alas finish it.

Speaker 4 (56:13):
Whether you finished expected to get so caky. I want
to get a marshmallow in there too. I think the
kids the cereal maybe is fighting against it. But I
think the marshmallows really work. It's kind of like the
marshmallows on like a sweet potato pie.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
I'm gonna I need a marshmallow. Oh, I need a marshmallow.

Speaker 4 (56:29):
Honestly, I think if you made this and we just
picked out just the marshmallows and put those in, that's
a ten out of ten, I think, honestly.

Speaker 2 (56:36):
The only thing.

Speaker 4 (56:36):
I don't even want to take the point off because
I think, again, my cereal is what is.

Speaker 1 (56:40):
What lowered it? You know what I mean? It was
worth it alone to know that there's representation in children's cereals.

Speaker 4 (56:49):
Look, I did my part today.

Speaker 1 (56:50):
Okay, you did zero in here.

Speaker 4 (56:56):
I'm going to give it a nine and a half
only because only because I hope to then have it
again and it's perfected at that point.

Speaker 6 (57:06):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 (57:07):
I want to I want another shot, understand, you.

Speaker 2 (57:09):
Know what I'm saying now that you've had it, now,
I mean, now that you get.

Speaker 4 (57:12):
The base exactly I want it. I want to have
somewhere to go.

Speaker 1 (57:16):
Lauren ash you are an absolute dream. You are the
fucking funniest person, so wonderful, such a pleasure.

Speaker 2 (57:22):
What would you like to promote?

Speaker 4 (57:24):
What I'd love to promote, of course, is my podcast,
True Crime and Cocktails. It's streams everywhere. It's a whole
lot of fun. And of course my single. Now you
can stream it everywhere Spotify, Apple Music, you can buy
it on iTunes and Amazon and music. And let me
tell you a little something. Those purchases go so far
in the music world, really wild. Please do it's I
appreciate it the support very much. It's only ninety nine cents.

(57:46):
And what I keep saying to people is that's good karma.
You're buying yourself doing karma, Lauren.

Speaker 1 (57:52):
What you're doing is you're buying someone a fifth of
a cup of coffee. You know what I mean, Lauren,
for once.

Speaker 4 (58:01):
Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 (58:02):
I agree with you, and I think too.

Speaker 4 (58:03):
You know, it's like we come from we all come
from the era of you know, if you liked music,
you bought it, or you made each other mixtapes and stuff.
I think ninety nine cents is reasonable.

Speaker 1 (58:11):
Would you prefer I do it from Amazon or Apple?
Either one?

Speaker 4 (58:14):
iTunes is great, but either way, either way, whatever is
easy for you.

Speaker 1 (58:17):
I'm gonna do it, Lauren, And people can follow you're online.

Speaker 4 (58:21):
Instagrams, Laura, Elizabeth ash that's the only one that really matters. Oh,
in TikTok TikTok, Laurena.

Speaker 1 (58:26):
Great, fabulous, Lauren.

Speaker 2 (58:28):
What would you like to promote?

Speaker 1 (58:30):
I have a show in London July fourteenth at the
King's Place Theater. You can go to my instagram for
tickets to that.

Speaker 2 (58:37):
Yeah, oh it's no big deal, huge deal, Bury the.

Speaker 1 (58:40):
League excuse me in London? And then you can always
watch nine one one on Hulu, and of course my
other podcast Attitudes and Fuck and Askrona.

Speaker 2 (58:49):
My other podcast Beleeks if This Rose is back up
and running. But then, more importantly, you've ever wanted to
see me host a cooking show as an animated Chef's hat,
Secret Chef is up on Hulu and it's it's so cute,
it's so fun. You should go watch it right now.
It's from David Chang and the people who created nailed it.
It's super fun. And then I'm on Marvelous.

Speaker 4 (59:08):
Nissus masl love it amazing.

Speaker 2 (59:10):
Oh and by the way, this this is our penultimate episode.
This is your chance. We want to get picked up.

Speaker 1 (59:16):
For us Zi Babes.

Speaker 2 (59:17):
Go on to Apple podcast. Yeah, click a five star,
go down and hit rate and review. Say leave a
comment here we have five stars. Here come the Pretzels,
a new favorite. It's hilarious and silly. Brian and Arden
and a guest have a chat, improvise a scene, and
close with a wild cooking segment. It's the New Today Show.

Speaker 1 (59:38):
PD nineteen eighty two says, I have no idea what's happening?
Five stars. This is an amazing podcast, but I honestly
have no clue what is happening. They talk fast to
make me laugh and oddly make me feel better about myself.

Speaker 2 (59:51):
I mean, honestly, if that's what it is, if we
could just beam up ball, some people can feel better
about that. I'm here for this five stars. Completely unhinged SPA.
Brian's rendition of don't go Break in My Heart had
me crying at work. Almost impossible to follow an episode,
but in the best way.

Speaker 1 (01:00:09):
Lemise says, utter insanity and love It. Five Stars, a
weekly fever dream in three acts, identify the week, snap
all Stars and improvised state using line submit of I
reo people, and the creation of what can only imagine
is the most horrendous mugcake on Earth. I love it.
Never want Brian Norton to stop. Five Stars.

Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
Here's one big autograph's energy five stars from Jewels Slash Austin.
Arden and Brian had me from the jump at the Dump.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
I love it. And this one's from flog Stoff Love
It five Stars. I woke up with the theme song
in my head and I have no regrets.

Speaker 4 (01:00:39):
Oh my God, mark the themes.

Speaker 2 (01:00:42):
But here's another one five stars, Peanut Butter in the House.
This is a weird show. I'm not sure if Arden
and Brian have just finished a bag of coke at
the start of each episode, but be prepared for. I've
never done cocaine, but be prepared for. Maybe I should
start both of them talking mile a minute. The first

(01:01:03):
two third of the episode is always good, and then
they make their guests try an awful something, but miwrave cake,
the guest always hates it. I'm not sure why they
do it. But I'm still listening, so I guess they're
doing something.

Speaker 1 (01:01:18):
It honestly feels like we have trapped you all.

Speaker 2 (01:01:22):
This is Mexican's list, dude. They're like, I don't know why.

Speaker 1 (01:01:28):
I keep Everyone's like, I can't stop, don't I don't
even know what it is? Am I making it up?
Am I the only one who knows me? Is this
only happening to me?

Speaker 2 (01:01:38):
I feel like it's like the equivalent of like how
people feel when they're starting to like the cake.

Speaker 1 (01:01:43):
I'll say this though, talk to me. Everyone talks about
what a fever dream it is. Everyone does need to
know that I am shut down the rest of the week.
Oh my god, I leave it all on this table, honey.

Speaker 2 (01:01:54):
I mean that's you know. It's funny because at tennis today,
our cult leader said, where's Brian. I was like, oh,
he's quiet. He has to be by himself in nine
twenty three and a half hours a day. And he's
like what, I'm like, Brian's an introvert. He was like,
what are you talking about? I was like, you know,
my beautiful baby boy, baby b No, no, no, he's you
have to leave him alone.

Speaker 1 (01:02:13):
This this is me, and this is you to an extent.
I'd like to have the most fun and then I
like to go home and ja quiet, be quiet. That's it, quickly,
all right, Please keep submitting those reviews and we love
them and we love you.

Speaker 2 (01:02:24):
You guys, Thank you so much for being so generous
and so just descending in what's been said to you.
These are the real life people who sent in the lines.
If you want to submit your real lifeline, send them
to naps pod, the number one at Gmail or the
podcast at naps pod just dm us. My lines this
week are from lursh Bacchus, pearl B twenty seven, JB,

(01:02:48):
Colin Dupue, Jesseme, Fitzpatrick, E Cornbread, Tiffany Schnell and Morgan I've.

Speaker 1 (01:02:55):
Got Ones from Katie Maxa April, Sarah Schofield, Missing Trobic, Alana,
Kate Courtney, Little Shop twenty four, Sleep Universe one one one, Casey, Meghan,
Jackie Landis, Ali Schwartz, Starry at All, c M rollins Beck,
Meghan c not Plath, Michael Stevens, Exto, Fur Ali Pole, Bangs, Awareness,
Love That, spab brumsn Ambo and Sugar Tony.

Speaker 2 (01:03:19):
Oh my god, that's so great. Keep sending in your
one liners at nabspot one at gmail dot com. And
thank you Will Ferrell and Big Money Players and iHeart
for having us on.

Speaker 1 (01:03:28):
I would like to see their time cards.

Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
Agreed, Agree to agree?

Speaker 1 (01:03:31):
I need to sign off on the agree to agree?
Who are you wareing? Will there be press to Alan Fabi?

Speaker 4 (01:03:40):
Honey, yeah, gotcha.

Speaker 1 (01:03:43):
And bray a hearing Last the b Podcast.

Speaker 3 (01:03:50):
But Honey, no, no, no, no please we live in
and Leclammon Lifeleck celebrities.

Speaker 1 (01:03:58):
And sharing up phoebe Fit recipes.

Speaker 6 (01:04:01):
But I'm in.

Speaker 3 (01:04:02):
No no, no, no autographs.

Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
Manager, I got no autograph.

Speaker 1 (01:04:12):
There no autograph