September 29, 2025 • 49 mins
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r/relationship_advice - My (23F) girlfriend (also 23F) became a Tumblr dominatrix without telling me
Note: stories are sometimes abbreviated
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, this is Sam, this is John, and we are
the founding hosts of Okay Storytime Podcast and we have
some foundational stories coming up for you. But the thing
is this foundation needs a little support from these sponsors.
So stick around two minutes and we'll get into the episode.
My girlfriend became a Tumblr dumb and natrix in secret.
(00:20):
So my girlfriend and I both twenty three female, have
been together for four years. We're doing long distance right now,
but are hoping to start living together sometime in a
couple of years. Overall, a relationship has always been healthy
and stable with no major issues. But we got an
issue right now. We have an unintroduced guest in our
mits Riley, do you want to do the honors? Yes?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
This is Sophia Domina. She was raised in a conservative
Christian cult, a virgin until twenty six, and married to
a forty year old virgin nearly twelve years of marriage.
She knew almost nothing about spicy sleep until she broke
free to explore her true nature. Today, she has celebrated
as the ultimate Los Angeles dominatrix Beyond the Dragon. She
(01:05):
is a filmmaker, journalist, novelist, and event producer. Her book
Dommy and Dahmer chronicles her incredible life journey.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Thank you for coming on, and I'm excited for you
to give your perspective on this very relevant story.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Okay, I'm excited to give it because sometimes I have
the best times actually sessioning with couples. Oh, I really
love to work with couples.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Okay, I'm excited to understand what that means. So, by
the way, this comes from Confident Parsley twenty six. If
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash Okay story time subreddit. I'm Sam, I'm Sophia,
I'm Riley. All right, let's get into it. So, unfortunately
we're somewhat incompatible. Spicy sleep Yuli, which is our stand
(01:50):
up because TikTok doesn't like when we say bad words.
I'm good with only twice a week or so and
pretty vanilla, while she's a bit more adventurous and would
do it every day if she could. This has never
been too big of a deal. She's never made me
feel bad or force me, and always reassures me that
I never have to feel obligated. I've always been very
(02:10):
clear that I'm purely monogamous and never want an open relationship. Well.
Several months ago, she got into writing erotic fan fiction,
which I was totally cool with. I thought it would
be a good hobby for her. But more recently she
started talking about spicy Tumblr posts, specifically women loving ones,
(02:30):
where people have Tumblr blogs and write posts about their
spicy related fantasies and things like that. Hopefully I'm explaining
that right, I'm not too familiar. Yeah. Wait, so is
Tumblr known for that kind of content? You know? Or
have you ever explored that?
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Look, if you need that in your life, you'll find
it anywhere. You'll find it in Google, spreadsheets.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
The Internet just surfaces it.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Anyways, she showed me some of these posts and asked
if I would be okay with her also star arting
a blog like that on Tumblr. I said sure, because
I thought she just meant she would write little posts
that a whole bunch of people can see about her
spicy related fantasies and such. I'm seeing a little ICU.
I feel like there might be more than writing coming up,
(03:16):
but we'll see. So, she's had the blog for a
couple of weeks now, and we were video chatting yesterday
and she mentioned that she had made a friend through
her Tumblr blog and they'd been chatting via direct messaging.
I thought nothing of it. A while later in the call,
she said, can I tell you something kind of weird.
I actually started being a dominatrix for that girl I
(03:37):
was telling you about. Okay, I'm going to stop right
here really quick. What do you think about that communication?
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I think it's honest and brave. As we all know,
if you've ever been in any relationship and you have
a secret fantasy desire, it's really hard to be honest
with your partner. Yeah, for fear of being shamed or
for fear of being you know, abandoned. So kudos to
anyone who does bring up their true desires.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Do you think it could have been done any better?
Because it sounds like she had already started being a
dominatrix for someone before she told her partner.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Look, let me ask you the reverse on this is
this boy, this male partner also telling her every desire
that he has and every interaction that he has.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I'm not sure. I think we'll find out and the
rest of the story. So I was stunned and asked
her what exactly she meant. She said that through direct
messaging she tells the girl how to hurt herself and
how she can get herself off spicy sleepily, and also
casually dominates her by telling her when to go to bed,
(04:45):
reminding her to eat, take her meds, and threatening her
with punishment if she doesn't. Kind of sounds like a
like a workout coach, like a good trainer.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Yeah, life coach.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah, Like do you actually do see like in your
like in being a dominatrix? Do you see like a
being a crossover between life coach and domind.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Yeah, sometimes you're controlling people in totally non spicy ways.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Like what like that? Really it's like you better go
to bed on time?
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Yeah, just being like a mean mommy.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, ooh fun.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Everyone got excited.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I think I looked really hurt, and she said, wait,
is that not okay? You told me you were okay
with me starting a blog, But when she asked me
to start a blog, I thought she just meant writing
posts that were sent out into the void and that
were shared with a bunch of people on Tumblr. I
didn't think she meant she would be engaging in private
(05:36):
conversations with another individual which was spicy sleep related in nature.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Would this be considered like emotional cheating, then what do
you think.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
I think that's up to them to decide. He's communicated
that he's hurt and now they have to talk it through.
What are the actual boundaries? If she crossed a boundary,
is it a deal breaker or is there more understanding
he could have? Is sometimes men are like, oh, it's
another woman, Yeah, I don't feel threatened by that, whereas another.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Man they will yeah, which is interesting. I feel like
I've heard that often, and especially like monogamous like hetero relationships,
like that is a thing that comes up. Is that
a thing that actually comes up a lot? Like do
you ever like talk couples through that that?
Speaker 3 (06:20):
Specifically the couples that come to me though, sometimes they
one of them wants to be dominated and the other
one isn't dominant, and so they're like, well, let's get
a professional in here. And because they want their partner
to have what they want, yea, even if they can't
deliver it the way they want it. Interesting, So that's
what I would ask this couple. It's like, Okay, your
(06:42):
girlfriend is saying she has this desire, maybe it's a need.
She's expressing it this way.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Is it really threatening, especially if there's open communication. I
feel like a relationship is only threatened when communication closes,
and so if you can have open communication through like
a relationship transition like this, maybe everyone can have what
they want and yeah, get their cake. Aren't they two women? Yes,
they are two women, says shen TKCW. Also, if you
(07:08):
have any questions for Sophia, who is an actual dominatrix,
please ask them in the chat and we can answer
them later. So she immediately started crying and saying that
she didn't want to hurt me, but honestly, I do
feel hurt. I kind of feel like she cheated on me,
even if that wasn't her intention. She said that she
doesn't get off on dominating the girl, that she just
(07:30):
finds it fun and not spicy, sleepy'ly arousing. She said
that in her mind she doesn't have a spicy related
or romantic relationship with the girl, but I'm not sure.
I totally buy that. It just feels really intimate for
someone to not only tell someone else how to get
themselves off, but also to take care of them and
remind them to take their meds and things like that,
(07:52):
which I feel like this question is the perfect question
for you. Do you think you can like separate a
like that intimacy from the job.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Absolutely you can. Yeah, yes, how because think about a
massage therapist or a you know, a psychologist, or any
job where you're actually connecting with another person doesn't mean
you have romantic feelings for them. And I understand what
she's saying about the dominating not getting her off in
a spicy way, like she's getting off here and that
(08:25):
she's getting to flex her power muscles where women usually
don't and she's like, oh wow, and this woman loves it.
Maybe there's some satisfaction in like that it is a
woman and not a man. She's helping a woman have
her fantasies fulfilled too. It could be a whole feminist thing.
It doesn't necessarily mean that it compares at all to
(08:47):
her relationship with her male partner.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
I love that answer, and I want to get into
some of your specific experiences too after Tori, and we'll
have plenty of time for that, suddenly says, this is
giving me a ideas. I'm sure you will get a
bunch more ideas by the end of this episode. So
this was about twenty four hours ago. And since then
she's been really upset and crying a lot. It's gotten
(09:09):
to the point where I'm now comforting her and apologizing
to her. She keeps saying that I always come first,
but she really doesn't want to stop doing this domination
thing on Tumblr. She mostly seems concerned that I might
think the behavior itself is weird or gross, or that
she's weird or gross for doing it. I don't think
either of those things. I don't like to judge people
spicy habits, but I do think it was kind of
(09:32):
wrong of her to engage in that kind of relationship
without my expressed permission. Would you agree or now?
Speaker 3 (09:39):
I agree that his feelings are valid, and if she
wants to preserve the relationship with him, they've got to
find a compromise here. If he wants a partner who's fulfilled,
he's got to find a compise.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
And I think probably the I don't think engaging in
any of this behavior is wrong. I think where it
comes gray area is like if you start doing something
your partner is uncomfortable with, or you think your partner
would be uncomfortable with, without first talking to them. But
like you said, I mean, like a lot of this
work is very therapeutic. Is like it can save relationships.
(10:15):
Like you said, like if if your partner can provide something,
like maybe you can have someone in the relationship that
can provide that while also maintaining the relationship that you
do have, right, because you know, like people can't necessarily
like one person can't necessarily provide everything to another. And
I think like often that is the pigeonhole that we
get in relationship dynamics like today.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
Yeah, and if the relationship can bend rather than break,
then this outside source of inspiration and fulfillment can actually
be preserving yeah, to the relationship. But if people just
keep things secret and they're secretly miserable, eventually they'll leave.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I'm not sure what to do
or think. I told her I need a few days
to think about whether I'm I'm okay with her continuing
or not. She said she understands, but she immediately started
writing up plans slash compromises for her to continue engaging
in the relationship. She also asked multiple times whether I
was okay with her continuing in the relationship or not.
(11:13):
So I imagine continuing being a dom even though I
told her I couldn't answer that question at the moment. Frankly,
I really don't want her to continue with this behavior.
I know she would stop the relationship if asked her
to so stop being a dom but I'm really scared
that she'll resent me for it or grow bored of
me spicy sleepily in the future. Does anyone have any
(11:35):
advice how to move forward and how to navigate my
thoughts in this situation. Is there anything I should consider
while thinking about the situation, or if anyone has any
perspective on where she might be coming from so that
I can better understand her side of the story, I
would really appreciate it. I want to be very clear
that I am not against the fifty shades at Gray
Club open relationships as long as all parties are consenting,
(11:56):
but I do think that people engaging in this kind
of thing outside of the relationship should get permission from
their partner first. I just feel really hurt that she
started engaging in a relationship of a spicy nature, whether
she believes it to be spicy or not, without telling
me first. So again, to everyone who is just popping
into chat, we have an actual dominatrix with us today.
(12:18):
That's going to help solving these questions. Yes, actual dominance,
actual dominatrix. I am in a gift soup suit. I
may get whipped later. Who knows. The stream is young,
but uh, I guess like I would love because you
said you've you've worked with couples before. Have you ever
like helped someone through this kind of transition and like,
could you like speak to like what that has looked
(12:40):
like in the past to help this person out.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
I've helped myself through this transition really. Yeah. Yeah, I
had a partner who was there before I became a
dom really and we had to navigate these exact issues.
But the couples that have come to me, they're more seasoned.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Yeah, Well, can I hear a little bit of about
your transition, because like one like like what kind of
relationship dynamic were you in before you discovered domin.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I was traditional. I was in a religious cult, so
I had like a very very boring, spicy sleep but
I'm going to be good and not say it. And
then coming out of that, I just had so much
to explore about myself. I learned that I liked women.
I learned that I had this dominant side that had
(13:27):
never really been expressed. But I still have like parts
of me that are very traditional. Yeah, and these things
can coexist.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Yeah, I mean you have, like I think people contain
multipodes of different parts and like they all want to
be to expressed in different ways. Like the idea that
we are like one personality or one kind of person
all the time is just like not not true. There's
like a I don't know, you know, I fast imagine
you've done like a lot of like therapists kind of
research and stuff, but like there's like a lot of
great therapeutic frameworks that kind of like talk about this
(13:57):
exact same.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Yeah, I think with with and this one in particular,
Like why is this threatening? Is it just the lack
of communication going past the boundaries or the safe zone
or is there something about her being dominant that now.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
That also threatens the relationship, Which yeah, I mean like
when you have someone that kind of like comes into
their own, it can it can upset the initial dynamic,
right because it's like that other partner might have to
give a little bit of dominance to that person, which
is yeah. Yeah, So when you like, how did you discover.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Domin I found myself on a date with a dominatrix. WHOA,
I didn't know that when I agreed to the date.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:39):
But by the end of the day, we were just
at this bar like kind of sharing all of our
you know, romance and spicy stories. And she like leaned
across the table and she goes, you're a baby dom
And I didn't know anything about that world, but I
knew that means she knew that I had an alpha personality,
(15:00):
was like ripe for learning how to control and express it.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
WHOA? And did she kind of like give you the ropes?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Yeah, she became a mentor no way.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Yeah, okay, I want a book about it. I want
to what's the book called? Again? That's awesome, Dave. We're
gonna talk a little bit more about Sophia's experience, but
going back to the story a little bit like how
would you like what advice would you give based on
your experience to like help in this transition.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
If he's confused about why she wants to do this,
he needs to ask her what her her motives are.
Maybe she's she can be vulnerable with him and say,
you know, when I was a kid, it was this,
or when I was growing up. I learned this, but
I didn't get to express it. And maybe she's expressing
it now because she feels safe with him, Like maybe
there's a silver lining here. Maybe he's satisfying so many
(15:53):
of her needs that she feels free to now like
touch this other part of her soul that's been like neglected. Yeah,
this could be a relationship building process for them.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Yeah, And I feel like, I mean, I feel like
letting someone explore all parts of themselves can like usually
only be good for the relationship. Or it's like like
maybe maybe the relationship is not actually good for the
person and the chance to let someone be free to
explore our parts of themselves and like wouldn't you want
that for the people you love?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Exactly?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
But we're going to get into the next part of
this story. Is this next part a part two?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It should be an update?
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Yes, Okay, So we have a little recap of the
story and a part two. And just before we get
into the recap, we got a few messages from chat
and two. Devembath says, this is an interesting topic. The
thomasys is Sophia professional Dominatrix Wingle says, Sam, Yes, I'm back.
I was wearing a mask in the beginning. I took
it off because it is hot if I look red.
(16:54):
Is because this is not a very breathable suit. Why
is it not breatheable?
Speaker 3 (16:58):
It's designed for suff in a way.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Okay, okay, I'm suffering for the podcast.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
You also have a shirt and very little air circuity.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, it's true, it's true. I'm doubled up. I'm doubled up.
Edith Gonzalez says, are there any resources you have that
might teach someone who is more of a brat to
become a good dom It's something I'd like to try
for potential like and maybe being into dom ladies, but
I can't see it. Basically, where can someone like learn
more about what it takes to be a dom?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
There are resources like books. There's a book called the
History and Arts of the Dominatrix. I recommend that another
local dom has a book, Domiana Chi. She writes about
the different dominatrix archetypes. Go visit a dominatrix, especially if
you're thinking about doing this with a particular person. Go
(17:52):
let someone show you the ropes and dominatrix will do
more than just the physical. They'll guide you through the intellectual.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yes, so Holly Stein again, we're going to get into
this update in a sec. But Holly Stein says, my
husband I have been married for twenty years and I've
wanted to ask him to try some more SMM, which is.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
What sadism and massacre.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah, but I'm afraid to ask him. How do I
approach him? Do you have any ideas of how to approach?
And I also imagine like hiring someone professional could help
with that.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
Yeah, I think make the approach fun, Like what is
the reason or what is the inspiration for you? First
of all, why do you like that Maybe your partner
if introduced the same way you were, maybe they'll find
it tit delating too? Was it a book, a movie,
an experience you had with someone? And then also like
(18:40):
what is your approach like when do you talk about it?
Like you want to be relaxed in a good mood,
Like don't do it when you're stressed out about other
things because it's a big topic.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yeah, and I feel like a reaction for a lot
of people who have been in more traditional relationships if
you were like, hey, I want to try to dominh mix,
be like, am I not enough? For you. Yeah, how
do you feel like you navigate that question?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
That's a normal response, whether it's I want to see
a dominatrix or I want to be a dominatrix, or
any kind of desire that's not fulfilled. And that's why
I say, like, first of all, approach it with vulnerability,
and then secondly, like learn things together. You know, we
have these like cliched stereotypes about what it means to
(19:27):
practice these things, right that it's someone must must hate
themselves and love pain, or maybe they're a sadist. But
domination can be nurturing, it can be mothering, it can
be discipline. So you've got to first pinpoint what it
is that you actually desire, and then your partner should
want to learn about it too, like read and study
(19:49):
it together.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, that was a great, great answer.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Side note, everyone is saying fifty shades is a terrible example,
and is that Absolutely it's a terrible example. We go
deeper if we're trying to get into this world, go deeper.
There's a lot of indie films that deal with dominance
and submission, because it's not always like the fact that
you put on a gimsuit, right, Like maybe it's the
(20:14):
fact that one person is always taking charge in the relationship,
and so you can look at it as more of
like an alpha beta dynamic, like or maybe the person
who's always in charge in the relationship when they get
into the bedroom, hopefully I can say that word, yeah,
when they get into the bedroom, then they want to switch.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:33):
So like, if you examine this from a motivation perspective,
then it helps you to really come together and not
be like, oh my god, my partner wants something I
can never be.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Yeah. Yeah. And I think like I think most people
want a balance of like like you know, masculine feminine
energies like give and take. Like I think that is
kind of one of the paths to happiness, is like
like being able to embody both like surrender and control.
And I think being able to explore that, I think
actually allows you to express more of what it means
(21:04):
to be human. And I feel like a lot of
people don't think that based on your gender or whatever,
like you need to fit into one of those categories.
And I think that's just like such a limiting belief
of like one can.
Speaker 3 (21:15):
Express our personalities don't really have to do with gender.
Think about how many you know, bossy women and more
submissive men there are, and there's nothing wrong with that.
And sometimes the problem or the fear that that male
partner may have is like, oh, if my partner is
a domb, does that make me a sub And they're
(21:35):
thinking how do I look.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Now, yeah? Or like yeah it does my masculinity yeah yeah, Okay,
all right, So we're going to get into the next story.
If you guys have any other thoughts or feelings about
the last story, please let us know in the comments below.
So this is a new story. My girlfriend wants to
be professional dominatrix. My twenty five male girlfriend twenty four
female and I have been together for about a year
(21:57):
and a half and while this isn't the longest time,
we both feel our relationship has been fantastic and really
something special. When I first met her, I learned she
was formerly a professional dominatrix and I'm not into that
stuff personally, but I have no problem with it. She
told me about the stuff she used to do, and
it was intense, really intense. She never pushed it on me,
and we've always been able to talk about it openly
(22:19):
without any awkwardness and by the way. This comes from
Complex Kuala. Do you want to submit your own stories,
go to the r slash Okay storytime subreddit. And today
we have some amazing advice from an actual dominatrix, Sophia.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
I'm here for you.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
So a few times she's mentioned that she might someday
be interested in getting back into it, both for the money,
which is fantastic. Is that true?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
It can be nice.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
And because she really enjoys doing it, which is the
more important reason. I've never really thought of it as
cheating due to the nature of it. And I've told
her honestly that I'd be okay if she got back
into it. And today she told me that she decided
to get back into the business and has just started
setting up sessions again. I feel like, based on what
(23:03):
we kind of said from last story, it's important that
if you want to ensure that your relationship is respected
before any like big change like this that your partner
potentially could be uncomfortable with, like get you know, enthusiastic
consent on that, right.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Yeah, of course, And I think she did that. And
there's still more. They're going to have to discuss what
happens in the sessions. Does he need to know, and
she just keep it confidential and there be a level
of trust. That's good. There's a lot of factors, but
I think that people should just kind of zoom out
and say, you know what, people start relationships at work
(23:40):
all the time. This is not different. Just because someone
pays you to dominate them doesn't mean you have any
attraction to them at all. Sometimes it's quite the opposite.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
So I'm curious, like if I'm curious what the like
the difference in boundaries are for uh dominatrixes like, and
I imagine they vary widely, and I'm curious, like what,
like how you establish those and if you have it,
like any of your own, like what they are?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Yeah, all doms do, and usually on the website they'll
say what their specialties are and what they don't do,
because you know, men will ask for everything. Yeah, and
they'll try to push your boundary. And it's perfectly okay
for one dom to do something and another to say
absolutely not. You know, as long as it's legal and
ethical towards that person and towards yourself, then why not.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Okay, I gotta ask what are your specialties?
Speaker 3 (24:32):
I am mostly considered a mommy dom a nurturer, disciplinarian,
and most often a queen.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Yeah, what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Like what people people come to worship?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Okay, can you like what? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Can we can we see that?
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Okay, a little bit of Oh would you like to worship?
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Well, I you can you tell me what it looks like.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
I've already getting read. But can you tell me a
little bit what that would look like?
Speaker 3 (25:05):
So for me, it could be domestic services. If we
were at my place, I would have you doing some dishes, chores,
scrubbing the shower, probably in women's panties. Really, yeah, it's fun.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
It's yeah.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Okay, so you take I take on the role of
the queen, and then my servant comes in and then
I do weird things like what do you do? Like
maybe while they're cleaning the shower with panties they get
spank or maybe they have to get on all fours
and crawl across the room. When they make my perfect
dirty martini, I'll make sure I can balance it on
(25:42):
their back and kick my feet up. Treat them like
an object.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Do you have like multiple working for you at the same.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Time, sometimes like a stable I don't have a stable.
People always ask me how many? How many? And like, honestly,
I'll sometimes not have a personal submissive because I haven't
found the right one.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Yeah, because it's like like like any relationship you need
and there needs to be like like a certain level
of like chemistry. I mean chemistry is not that I
don't know I chemistry is the right word, but like
compatibility both.
Speaker 3 (26:13):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I this is going.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
I was told that you asked for grapes.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
What is that guy that we talked about? I forgot that.
Let's let's we'll put a pin in that.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Back to this during donations like this, what.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
Do you guys think we're going to do with these grapes?
Where are they going to go? Oh?
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So it's like
like dynamic needs to serve both parties.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Yeah, and I call my place Dampton Abbey. So I'll
be here all day with the puns. But so if
they're not servicing my space, they might be servicing me personally.
So I teach them foot worship to start, Okay, so
I'm always getting a great foot massage. If we do
(27:11):
have chemistry, they might be allowed to kiss my toes
and then we go from there.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Crazy, that's so cool. Okay, I'm going to keep reading
the story. So, uh, the day she told me that
she decided to get back into the business and has
just started setting up sessions, she asked me again if
I was okay with it, and I told her I
was only I'm not so sure if I am, which
(27:37):
I think is like a common question or a common
common answer where it's like, like, maybe I need to
see how I feel. Like it's like like you kind
of need to see how you feel in the moment
because often you know, before you jump off the cliff,
you don't know how the air feels on the way
down right, Like, And uh, I think that's I think
that's like an important important test.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Yeah, this is something that's an ongoing navigation of Oh wait,
you did that one session I felt a certain way
because I was out of town, but another session you
did was fine because I knew it was a trusted
repeat client.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
I mean there's so many variable yeah, And I think,
like that's what's cool about testing the boundaries of anything
is you get to understand like what those boundaries feel like,
and like which boundaries make you feel safe, which boundaries,
which boundies don't. And I think, like, you know, a
lot of people say like, oh, like you know, you
test the boundaries, you could ruin your relationship, blah blah blah.
But like the boilerplate of you know, you know, like
(28:30):
a heteronormative relationship like doesn't work. It's like fifty percent
of marriages and in divorce, right, So it's like you
testing it can often improve our at least strengthen a relationship.
And you don't necessarily have to accept a boilerplate relationship
if that doesn't work for you. So I want to
support her, but I'm having trouble separating that part of
her life from what we have together. I'm not sure
(28:53):
I'll ever be able to satisfy her s and m
oriented needs. So I'm happy that she'll be getting that
from somewhere else. So as an end, satam asochism, as
you said, And can you just explain what that term
means really quick.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
Yes, Sadism means you enjoy inflicting pain. Masochism means you
enjoy receiving pain.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
So I'm happy that she'll be getting that from somewhere.
And I know that if I mentioned that, I'm uncomfortable
with it. She'll call the whole thing off as in
the relationship who so this my I mean, I don't
know if you know that. I feel like again, like
have a conversation and see if that's true. But I
think we'll find I think we'll I think through conversations
you can understand what the boundaries are.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
Yeah, the partner that supports you when you're striving for
the thing that you want most is someone you highly value.
But if he's sensing that she really just wants to
be single, that's another issue.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Yeah, that could be it. So I really don't want
to do that to her. So I'm considering just pretending
I'm okay with it and hoping that I eventually all
become okay with it. Any advice? We have another story
after this, but what is your the last thing? Again,
what he said is, I'm considering just pretending I'm okay
(30:05):
with it and hoping eventually I'll become okay with it.
What advice would you give on that? As a professional dominator?
Speaker 3 (30:10):
They need to do a really fun session together, like
just just play like kids, because that's what kink is like.
Put on the suit, get the grapes out, not knowing
what's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
What is going to happen with these grapes? You're going
to feed me, I'm going to feed like right now?
Speaker 3 (30:27):
No when I say when I say deal?
Speaker 1 (30:32):
So, like, what would like a what do you think
a couple session would look like that you think would
allow them to explore some of these like in a
healthy way.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Just make a safe, comfortable, inspiring space to just play.
You just say, hey, let's get let's bring let's get
some toys, like be a kid again, but in an
adult way with the spiciness and establish some boundaries. You
could do a safe word, but be like, I want
to try some new things. You know, maybe there's some
things that help you really whatever that might be, and
(31:02):
say I'm gonna be in charge. I'm going to be
the master, the director first, but then I want to
switch and see what you do. But the thing that
scares us is the unknown. So take some of these
scary boogeymen out of the sphere of the unknown, try
to relate and understand, and then you'll be like, oh,
this isn't cheating, Yeah, this isn't a threat. Yeah, And
(31:25):
it might take time.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
You've got to be patient, yeah, especially depending on what
kind of Like I think, depending on what kind of
background you come from, you know, it can be I
imagine being in like the religious context, Like that is
a very constricting cultural context to come from. So it's like,
you know, understanding how to navigate that might be more
difficult for someone than someone who like brought up with
(31:48):
like a more free flowing context. Right, So it's like
everyone's gonna be a little bit different. So great advice.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
We have another story, but let's read some Whitney takes
a five bucks. There's a guy that went around online
buying feet picks, and I sent sample picks to him once.
He just emailed me today fourteen years later. What about
what does he want more?
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Those feet?
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Yeah? Those feet one fetish? Really yeah? The world?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah, do you understand why?
Speaker 3 (32:22):
I definitely understand why?
Speaker 1 (32:24):
Wait? Why?
Speaker 3 (32:25):
First of all, there are seven thousand nerve endings in
the feet, which is double the nerve endings in the
male part. No way, Yeah, So the feet are very
sensitive to pleasure. So for the receiver of foot worship,
it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
But when it comes to like, you know, feet pigs,
the person's not receiving them, they're just looking at them.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
Hey is John og host. We're gonna get back to
the stories, but a quick three minute break of ads
from our sponsors.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
So why the fetish Why do men love women's feed? Well,
first of all, it's like the lowest body part, right,
it's party walk around with these things. So when a
woman has beautiful, elegant, well cared for feet, it can
be as attractive as a face or or her hands.
(33:13):
But also, worshiping something lowly means that person is just
like dripping with desire for the other person.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Yeah, that's how much were to like, Like, if you
were to desire feet that much, like, imagine what the
rest of the desire would translate to.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
Yes, And I also love women's feet. I had a
fetishist partner and I didn't know what any of that
was about. And then because of his worship of my feet,
I started looking at women's feet and I'm like, oh,
I get it.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
So is there like, what is the best way to
worship someone's feet?
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Communication? First of all, do they like that?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Yeah? Like what like what what do they do?
Speaker 3 (33:52):
They even want their feet?
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (33:55):
And then I teach a foot worship class at my events. Yeah,
there's technique, but start with communication.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Could you give me just one one pointer? My girlfriend's
in the chat right now. Oh so Ali, get ready.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Get ready? Ali? I love this for you. I mean
it starts with massage, like have you ever had your
feet massaged?
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Yeah, yeah, go get some massages. Feel what it's like,
and then talk through it. Hey, do you like the
pressure on your insul Do you like your toes massage?
Is it more like your calves? What is it?
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
Where are you feeling tense? Give a great massage. It
can start with like a little pampering, like a warm towel,
cleaning the feet, making sure the person is sitting comfortably
and relaxed. If you really think about it as worship,
then you're like approaching your queen. Yeah, so like with reverence.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
That's really cool. Tattoo MANI thanks for the ten bucks.
Hi guys, and miss Sophia. It's stunning. By the way,
Thank you. I'm so happy to see you on stream
as someone in the lifestyle. I am beyond thrilled. Question
for you. I am a by Brady sub lg and
in an eight year relationship, newly married, my husband isn't dominant.
(35:13):
Is it possible to educate him. Can you tell us
what by Brady sub ig LG means.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
LG probably little girl?
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Okay, what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (35:23):
So you can inhabit a character of a younger person
in kinky, So like I'm a Brady little girl?
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Yeah like that?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
Okay, Yeah, it's possible to educate again, start with being vulnerable.
Why do you like this thing? What does it make
you feel? Why is it something you want to do
with your partner? Like when you say, hey, I have
this kink and I really want to do it specifically
with you, I mean that can be a BONDINGERI yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
And I think also like the longest roads start with
a single step, Like don't expect someone who hasn't played
with dominance or submission to be able to do it
like a lot I don't know, profession many actions. Yeah,
it's like I think, I think, like any personality play,
I feel like it starts with like very small steps,
like you know, do it for like a moment, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
And like what I describe I teach female domination workshops
is like this is Los Angeles. Guys, like a lot
of us are in the industry. We play for a living.
So you think of a scene as just that. Think
of it like a movie scene, a one act play,
two act play, three act whatever. What are your roles?
Who are these characters, what are the costumes, what's the script?
(36:34):
What kind of language do you use with each other?
Be creative, have fun?
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Yeah, a little improv Yeah. So to answer your question, yes,
it is possible to train start small. Marvel Simtrist says,
is it common for dom to suddenly want to give
up their role, whether it's for one session or forever.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Yeah, it's being a professional dom is very challenging. Well,
I don't know if this person is lifestyle or professional.
It's spicy work and your constantly being bombarded with men's desires.
So you have to be able to navigate unwanted attention,
You have to be able to navigate potentially abusive kinds
(37:12):
of behavior towards you. Then you're thinking about the business
side of it too, So it's a very complex type
of work. People don't always think about that. You're an entrepreneur.
You work for yourself, you only eat what you kill,
and you also want to keep to your own standards
and boundaries, and people will constantly be trying to push those.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Yeah, and I feel like like life in general, people
are pushing your boundaries, but I feel like this is
one where the boundary push can be more.
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Extreme, right because there's there aren't any rules and there's
no oversight and.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
Besides the ones you establish.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
Yeah, but there's there's no other you know, committee that's
going to come in and say, well, actually you know
under Osha law. No, Yeah, it's the wild West.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
Yeah. So we have one more story and we're going
to get back into it. All right. So my dominations
friends hates me because I stole one of her clients.
Thanks warm, all right, So I twenty eight male, made
friends with this dude twenty eight male from my running club.
I'm also friends with twenty eight female who works as
(38:19):
a dominatrix. No spicy sleep involved, and we can call
her Chloe. Well, for a while I didn't realize this,
but my friend twenty eight male we will call Carl,
was one of her top clients and would fork out
a lot of cash. As I got closer to him,
he confided in me that this side of him was
ruining his life and self esteem, not to mention his wallet,
(38:43):
though he hit it well. I guess he had never
told anyone about this stuff. By the way, this comes
from a throwaway account. And do you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slash okay storytime subreddit.
And today we have an actual dominatrix with us, Sofia,
who will be giving her opinions as someone in the industry.
So my dom friend slipped up when we were hanging
(39:03):
out because she started talking about one of her clients,
which I'm sure you're not supposed to do. Is that true?
Speaker 3 (39:10):
No, as long as you keep their identity concealed. You
should have people you can talk to about your client.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yeah, but it should be done in a confidential way. Yeah.
But she was wasted the way she described small details
of him. I realized it might be Carl. She was
talking about how much money he forks out to her,
that it was so much, And I asked Carl about
the dommy visits and he confirmed it was her. I
told her that I know Carl, and she seemed surprised,
(39:38):
but okay, Well, Carl asked me to help him curb
his habit. So I told Chloe that maybe she should
stop seeing him, but she refused and stressed how much
money he brings in. I was a bit disappointed in her.
Maybe I was seeing things in black and white. So
the kind of I think the question is like, you know,
what point do you try to I guess, like, at
(40:02):
what point do you make sure that your services are
helping more than they're hurting.
Speaker 3 (40:06):
That's very important for me because I do get approached
by men who have compulsions and addictions in the spicy realm,
and it doesn't feel good to reinforce or encourage that.
I even had one client just online, not someone I
was seeing in person, asked me to help him overeat
and get fatter. Like of course, I said no, There's
(40:29):
like no amount of money where I want to help
someone damage themselves. So yeah, it's an ethical issue. But
I don't know what their conversation was, the domin and client.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
Yeah, yeah, and I think I think it can be
again like you just want to have communication through all
of these parties to see what is best for everyone. Well,
I just made it my mission to uplift Carl. I
always prided myself on being a positive and uplifting person.
I became his gym buddy and started organizing more runs
with him and meeting up with him more to see
how he's doing mentally and just all around being there
(41:00):
for him, but also giving him tough love by acting
as an accountability partner, which again like maybe this DOM isn't
doing that for this guy. But in terms of like
doms in general, like like you were saying, like they
can be accountability buddies. They can offer like services that
like help with I just like you know, mapping out
your your inner mentality.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
Yeah, regulation, moderation. Sometimes someone is too far on the
beta side of things in their own life. They don't
DOM themselves, and so they're like, mommy, can you fix it?
Do everything for me, tell me what to do, and
like that can be become a codependent relationship. You could
be enabling someone's like bad behavior towards themselves. Yeah, and yeah,
(41:42):
it's not ethical to take money to do that, but
if they say, actually, in a consensual way, I want
to be tormented or humiliated, then then that is ethical.
So without knowing their conversations, it's hard to cast judgment.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
So I would ask him from time to time whether
he is watching corn because we agreed we both undergo
No fab, I undertook this thing so he wouldn't feel
alone in doing that. Months went by and he turned
his life around. He stopped seeing doms and watching any corn.
Dude's doing quite well now with the ladies. But the
thing is, I never told Chloe that it was me
(42:20):
who helped him with this. She asked me what happened
to Carl and was just talking about how she realized
just how much of her income came from him. I
told her everything. She got angry and called me an
a hole and asked me why I did this and
why I didn't tell her about it. I said, you
never asked. Now she's not speaking to me. Maybe I
did interfere with their lives, and maybe I'm an a
hole because I saw things in black and white. But
(42:41):
I sort of saw this as a good thing. Is
this the end of this friendship? What should I do next?
So again, as a DOM, as someone who has helped
a lot of people with these kinds of this kind
of work, what would you say to ope about what
they should do next?
Speaker 3 (42:59):
I think that has to take responsibility for herself if
she was fostering self abuse towards with this man, you know,
and also she was not actually managing her client list. Well,
don't put all your eggs in one basket like that's
a bad investment, like diversify have.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Multiple clients, let all on the business side, her you
have more clients than just one.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
Yeah, and we lose clients all the time.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
It's like your turnover.
Speaker 3 (43:27):
Usually sometimes I get what I call turists and they're like, oh,
I've never tried this thing, and I want to do
it with you. And they try that thing and they're
like okay, cool, I'm good, or I get out of
town clients. So I never expect that they owe me,
you know, a lifelong contract for example.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Do you have clients that have been like coming to
you for like a long time too.
Speaker 3 (43:51):
I just became a pro dom in twenty twenty.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
Two, twenty twenty two, Okay, so it's relatively reach Yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (43:58):
Yeah, but I do what but what I find most
often is, I mean I see them for a little
while and they always resurface.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Yeah yeah, interesting, Well I think is a five star review.
So anything else that you would say to this person
in terms, So you mentioned the business side, but how
about like the just like like how should that you
think this person feel about, you know, like their relationship
with this friend that that's a dom and also like
them helping out this this person.
Speaker 3 (44:27):
Yeah, I think that he was kind of caught in
the middle, right, wanting to help the guy improve his life,
but also caring about the dom's feelings, and there should
have been more communication. If she won't talk to him,
there's really not much he can do. I think that
I understand his perspective, and I think the DOM will
probably just have to learn from this.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Yeah, so that is where that story ends. But I
want some stories from a professional dominet trix. Sofia, could
you maybe tell me about like your first DOM experience,
like maybe like you're either your first DOM experience or
your first time that you had an official client for,
like some of the first because I imagine those are the
(45:11):
most emotionally tumultuous, sometimes in good ways, sometimes in scary ways.
And yeah, I would be curious about some of those stories.
Speaker 3 (45:20):
My first client, I was terrified. Yeah, I was so nervous.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
How did you get your first client?
Speaker 3 (45:27):
I built a website, which I did in my former life.
My profession was media marketing, journalism, filmmaking, all of it.
Speaker 1 (45:36):
I feel like that probably helps the DOM career as well.
Speaker 3 (45:39):
It does you're constantly creating an image of yourself as
a dom and like, I enjoy that part. I enjoy
the creativity. Anyway. I built everything, and I was like
fresh meat in the market. So I got a lot
of inquiries, a lot of good Jewish boys. Interesting, which
is a through line. Wow, even now, the Jewish mom,
(46:00):
it keeps coming back to that. Really she has a
major role in his life. Yeah, and so they would
seek me for the maternal side. Yeah, but like the hot,
mean mom. Yeah, so that was this the nature of
this client. But he'd never seen a dom so it
was kind of like dealer's choice.
Speaker 1 (46:17):
Wait, but how like how did he know he was
like interested in that?
Speaker 3 (46:21):
Probably corn. Yeah. You know, you see something and you're.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
Like, oh, that speaks to me. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
And for men always having to be tough or dominant
or even macho because of your culture, they're like, please,
I want to relief from that, just for a couple hours.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
So questions from some fans. Hey, John Ogi host here,
we're gonna get back to this episode, but a quick
three minute break of ads from a sponsor's keeping the
show alive. September says, I, thirty nine female have always
been into being a submissive. I have had two relationships
with the dom and I loved it. But how do
I get my vanilla boyfriend thirty eight male into being
dominant to me? We have been together since twenty seventeen,
(46:59):
so almost eight years. I can't get him to be
into it. He says his mother taught him to never
be mean to a woman. Is never laid a hand
on me. But I just want him to be a
little bit more dominant with me. So our spicy wrestling
under the covers is very vanilla. It's starting to make
me not want him to touch me. How do I
get him to compromise with me? Because something doesn't change,
it will be the end. I can't take it much more.
(47:21):
And we have another one.
Speaker 3 (47:21):
But yeah, super relatable. A lot of women want to
be handled, they want to be properly topped, And if
the man has some association with abuse, then it's understandable
why he's saying absolutely not to her. I would say,
do a little to him, show him with your own
(47:43):
two hands what it is you want. Yeah, he might
like it too.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
Great advice. Sari asks, what do you want people to
understand about being a dominatrix, especially assumptions that most people get.
Speaker 3 (47:56):
Wrong, that it's all about being cold mean, because obviously
I take it on as play. I've always been creative
and playful, and so this is just the expression of that.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
And Jamadou says, I twenty six female, have been interested
in this field of work for a while and find
it quite interesting, But I'm concerned about the risks involved
with it. What's the riskiest part about this job and
how can I get started in the safest way possible.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
Find a mentor or several start as a lifestyle dom
meaning you don't take money. You just perfect your craft
with other humans who enjoy your dominance, and go slow.
Don't endanger yourself. If you're going to be alone with
someone new, make sure you have some protections built in.
It's just like dating. It's not necessarily more dangerous at all.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Mad Alice says, my boyfriend twenty eight male and I
twenty nine female, are both switches, but are both new
to balancing each other out. I'm not comfortable being dominant
because I've been shamed for it. My boyfriend wants me
to peg him, but doesn't give me the chance to.
How do I go about being more dominant and letting
him be comfortable in his subspace to be able to
deliver on his desire.
Speaker 3 (49:05):
Again, what is dominance and submission? You know, besides pegging.
Pegging people think that it's automatically being submissive, but it's
really just a top or bottom situation. So dominance and
submission is more psychological. Do you want someone telling you
what to do? Or do you want someone physically controlling
your body? Like? Which is it? So communicate? Communicate?
Speaker 1 (49:26):
What do we do with these grapes?
Speaker 3 (49:29):
You can feed me those grapes. I don't think we
can get banned for that. Maybe we'll get picked up
by the Food Network.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
All right, well, we'll do the outro. Higher, higher, are
you here now?
Speaker 3 (49:45):
Perfectly? Lower one grape into my mouth?
Speaker 1 (49:47):
I got. If you love us, make sure subscribe. This
has been another episode of Okay story Time, and we'll
see you in the next one.
Hey, this is Sam, this is John, and we are
the founding hosts of Okay Storytime Podcast and we have
some foundational stories coming up for you. But the thing
is this foundation needs a little support from these sponsors.
So stick around two minutes and we'll get into the episode.
My girlfriend became a Tumblr dumb and natrix in secret.
(00:20):
So my girlfriend and I both twenty three female, have
been together for four years. We're doing long distance right now,
but are hoping to start living together sometime in a
couple of years. Overall, a relationship has always been healthy
and stable with no major issues. But we got an
issue right now. We have an unintroduced guest in our
mits Riley, do you want to do the honors? Yes?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
This is Sophia Domina. She was raised in a conservative
Christian cult, a virgin until twenty six, and married to
a forty year old virgin nearly twelve years of marriage.
She knew almost nothing about spicy sleep until she broke
free to explore her true nature. Today, she has celebrated
as the ultimate Los Angeles dominatrix Beyond the Dragon. She
(01:05):
is a filmmaker, journalist, novelist, and event producer. Her book
Dommy and Dahmer chronicles her incredible life journey.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Thank you for coming on, and I'm excited for you
to give your perspective on this very relevant story.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Okay, I'm excited to give it because sometimes I have
the best times actually sessioning with couples. Oh, I really
love to work with couples.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Okay, I'm excited to understand what that means. So, by
the way, this comes from Confident Parsley twenty six. If
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash Okay story time subreddit. I'm Sam, I'm Sophia,
I'm Riley. All right, let's get into it. So, unfortunately
we're somewhat incompatible. Spicy sleep Yuli, which is our stand
(01:50):
up because TikTok doesn't like when we say bad words.
I'm good with only twice a week or so and
pretty vanilla, while she's a bit more adventurous and would
do it every day if she could. This has never
been too big of a deal. She's never made me
feel bad or force me, and always reassures me that
I never have to feel obligated. I've always been very
(02:10):
clear that I'm purely monogamous and never want an open relationship. Well.
Several months ago, she got into writing erotic fan fiction,
which I was totally cool with. I thought it would
be a good hobby for her. But more recently she
started talking about spicy Tumblr posts, specifically women loving ones,
(02:30):
where people have Tumblr blogs and write posts about their
spicy related fantasies and things like that. Hopefully I'm explaining
that right, I'm not too familiar. Yeah. Wait, so is
Tumblr known for that kind of content? You know? Or
have you ever explored that?
Speaker 3 (02:45):
Look, if you need that in your life, you'll find
it anywhere. You'll find it in Google, spreadsheets.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
The Internet just surfaces it.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Anyways, she showed me some of these posts and asked
if I would be okay with her also star arting
a blog like that on Tumblr. I said sure, because
I thought she just meant she would write little posts
that a whole bunch of people can see about her
spicy related fantasies and such. I'm seeing a little ICU.
I feel like there might be more than writing coming up,
(03:16):
but we'll see. So, she's had the blog for a
couple of weeks now, and we were video chatting yesterday
and she mentioned that she had made a friend through
her Tumblr blog and they'd been chatting via direct messaging.
I thought nothing of it. A while later in the call,
she said, can I tell you something kind of weird.
I actually started being a dominatrix for that girl I
(03:37):
was telling you about. Okay, I'm going to stop right
here really quick. What do you think about that communication?
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I think it's honest and brave. As we all know,
if you've ever been in any relationship and you have
a secret fantasy desire, it's really hard to be honest
with your partner. Yeah, for fear of being shamed or
for fear of being you know, abandoned. So kudos to
anyone who does bring up their true desires.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Do you think it could have been done any better?
Because it sounds like she had already started being a
dominatrix for someone before she told her partner.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Look, let me ask you the reverse on this is
this boy, this male partner also telling her every desire
that he has and every interaction that he has.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I'm not sure. I think we'll find out and the
rest of the story. So I was stunned and asked
her what exactly she meant. She said that through direct
messaging she tells the girl how to hurt herself and
how she can get herself off spicy sleepily, and also
casually dominates her by telling her when to go to bed,
(04:45):
reminding her to eat, take her meds, and threatening her
with punishment if she doesn't. Kind of sounds like a
like a workout coach, like a good trainer.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Yeah, life coach.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah, Like do you actually do see like in your
like in being a dominatrix? Do you see like a
being a crossover between life coach and domind.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Yeah, sometimes you're controlling people in totally non spicy ways.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Like what like that? Really it's like you better go
to bed on time?
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Yeah, just being like a mean mommy.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, ooh fun.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Everyone got excited.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I think I looked really hurt, and she said, wait,
is that not okay? You told me you were okay
with me starting a blog, But when she asked me
to start a blog, I thought she just meant writing
posts that were sent out into the void and that
were shared with a bunch of people on Tumblr. I
didn't think she meant she would be engaging in private
(05:36):
conversations with another individual which was spicy sleep related in nature.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Would this be considered like emotional cheating, then what do
you think.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
I think that's up to them to decide. He's communicated
that he's hurt and now they have to talk it through.
What are the actual boundaries? If she crossed a boundary,
is it a deal breaker or is there more understanding
he could have? Is sometimes men are like, oh, it's
another woman, Yeah, I don't feel threatened by that, whereas another.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Man they will yeah, which is interesting. I feel like
I've heard that often, and especially like monogamous like hetero relationships,
like that is a thing that comes up. Is that
a thing that actually comes up a lot? Like do
you ever like talk couples through that that?
Speaker 3 (06:20):
Specifically the couples that come to me though, sometimes they
one of them wants to be dominated and the other
one isn't dominant, and so they're like, well, let's get
a professional in here. And because they want their partner
to have what they want, yea, even if they can't
deliver it the way they want it. Interesting, So that's
what I would ask this couple. It's like, Okay, your
(06:42):
girlfriend is saying she has this desire, maybe it's a need.
She's expressing it this way.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Is it really threatening, especially if there's open communication. I
feel like a relationship is only threatened when communication closes,
and so if you can have open communication through like
a relationship transition like this, maybe everyone can have what
they want and yeah, get their cake. Aren't they two women? Yes,
they are two women, says shen TKCW. Also, if you
(07:08):
have any questions for Sophia, who is an actual dominatrix,
please ask them in the chat and we can answer
them later. So she immediately started crying and saying that
she didn't want to hurt me, but honestly, I do
feel hurt. I kind of feel like she cheated on me,
even if that wasn't her intention. She said that she
doesn't get off on dominating the girl, that she just
(07:30):
finds it fun and not spicy, sleepy'ly arousing. She said
that in her mind she doesn't have a spicy related
or romantic relationship with the girl, but I'm not sure.
I totally buy that. It just feels really intimate for
someone to not only tell someone else how to get
themselves off, but also to take care of them and
remind them to take their meds and things like that,
(07:52):
which I feel like this question is the perfect question
for you. Do you think you can like separate a
like that intimacy from the job.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Absolutely you can. Yeah, yes, how because think about a
massage therapist or a you know, a psychologist, or any
job where you're actually connecting with another person doesn't mean
you have romantic feelings for them. And I understand what
she's saying about the dominating not getting her off in
a spicy way, like she's getting off here and that
(08:25):
she's getting to flex her power muscles where women usually
don't and she's like, oh wow, and this woman loves it.
Maybe there's some satisfaction in like that it is a
woman and not a man. She's helping a woman have
her fantasies fulfilled too. It could be a whole feminist thing.
It doesn't necessarily mean that it compares at all to
(08:47):
her relationship with her male partner.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
I love that answer, and I want to get into
some of your specific experiences too after Tori, and we'll
have plenty of time for that, suddenly says, this is
giving me a ideas. I'm sure you will get a
bunch more ideas by the end of this episode. So
this was about twenty four hours ago. And since then
she's been really upset and crying a lot. It's gotten
(09:09):
to the point where I'm now comforting her and apologizing
to her. She keeps saying that I always come first,
but she really doesn't want to stop doing this domination
thing on Tumblr. She mostly seems concerned that I might
think the behavior itself is weird or gross, or that
she's weird or gross for doing it. I don't think
either of those things. I don't like to judge people
spicy habits, but I do think it was kind of
(09:32):
wrong of her to engage in that kind of relationship
without my expressed permission. Would you agree or now?
Speaker 3 (09:39):
I agree that his feelings are valid, and if she
wants to preserve the relationship with him, they've got to
find a compromise here. If he wants a partner who's fulfilled,
he's got to find a compise.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
And I think probably the I don't think engaging in
any of this behavior is wrong. I think where it
comes gray area is like if you start doing something
your partner is uncomfortable with, or you think your partner
would be uncomfortable with, without first talking to them. But
like you said, I mean, like a lot of this
work is very therapeutic. Is like it can save relationships.
(10:15):
Like you said, like if if your partner can provide something,
like maybe you can have someone in the relationship that
can provide that while also maintaining the relationship that you
do have, right, because you know, like people can't necessarily
like one person can't necessarily provide everything to another. And
I think like often that is the pigeonhole that we
get in relationship dynamics like today.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
Yeah, and if the relationship can bend rather than break,
then this outside source of inspiration and fulfillment can actually
be preserving yeah, to the relationship. But if people just
keep things secret and they're secretly miserable, eventually they'll leave.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I'm not sure what to do
or think. I told her I need a few days
to think about whether I'm I'm okay with her continuing
or not. She said she understands, but she immediately started
writing up plans slash compromises for her to continue engaging
in the relationship. She also asked multiple times whether I
was okay with her continuing in the relationship or not.
(11:13):
So I imagine continuing being a dom even though I
told her I couldn't answer that question at the moment. Frankly,
I really don't want her to continue with this behavior.
I know she would stop the relationship if asked her
to so stop being a dom but I'm really scared
that she'll resent me for it or grow bored of
me spicy sleepily in the future. Does anyone have any
(11:35):
advice how to move forward and how to navigate my
thoughts in this situation. Is there anything I should consider
while thinking about the situation, or if anyone has any
perspective on where she might be coming from so that
I can better understand her side of the story, I
would really appreciate it. I want to be very clear
that I am not against the fifty shades at Gray
Club open relationships as long as all parties are consenting,
(11:56):
but I do think that people engaging in this kind
of thing outside of the relationship should get permission from
their partner first. I just feel really hurt that she
started engaging in a relationship of a spicy nature, whether
she believes it to be spicy or not, without telling
me first. So again, to everyone who is just popping
into chat, we have an actual dominatrix with us today.
(12:18):
That's going to help solving these questions. Yes, actual dominance,
actual dominatrix. I am in a gift soup suit. I
may get whipped later. Who knows. The stream is young,
but uh, I guess like I would love because you
said you've you've worked with couples before. Have you ever
like helped someone through this kind of transition and like,
could you like speak to like what that has looked
(12:40):
like in the past to help this person out.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
I've helped myself through this transition really. Yeah. Yeah, I
had a partner who was there before I became a
dom really and we had to navigate these exact issues.
But the couples that have come to me, they're more seasoned.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Yeah, Well, can I hear a little bit of about
your transition, because like one like like what kind of
relationship dynamic were you in before you discovered domin.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I was traditional. I was in a religious cult, so
I had like a very very boring, spicy sleep but
I'm going to be good and not say it. And
then coming out of that, I just had so much
to explore about myself. I learned that I liked women.
I learned that I had this dominant side that had
(13:27):
never really been expressed. But I still have like parts
of me that are very traditional. Yeah, and these things
can coexist.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Yeah, I mean you have, like I think people contain
multipodes of different parts and like they all want to
be to expressed in different ways. Like the idea that
we are like one personality or one kind of person
all the time is just like not not true. There's
like a I don't know, you know, I fast imagine
you've done like a lot of like therapists kind of
research and stuff, but like there's like a lot of
great therapeutic frameworks that kind of like talk about this
(13:57):
exact same.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Yeah, I think with with and this one in particular,
Like why is this threatening? Is it just the lack
of communication going past the boundaries or the safe zone
or is there something about her being dominant that now.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
That also threatens the relationship, Which yeah, I mean like
when you have someone that kind of like comes into
their own, it can it can upset the initial dynamic,
right because it's like that other partner might have to
give a little bit of dominance to that person, which
is yeah. Yeah, So when you like, how did you discover.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Domin I found myself on a date with a dominatrix. WHOA,
I didn't know that when I agreed to the date.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:39):
But by the end of the day, we were just
at this bar like kind of sharing all of our
you know, romance and spicy stories. And she like leaned
across the table and she goes, you're a baby dom
And I didn't know anything about that world, but I
knew that means she knew that I had an alpha personality,
(15:00):
was like ripe for learning how to control and express it.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
WHOA? And did she kind of like give you the ropes?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Yeah, she became a mentor no way.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Yeah, okay, I want a book about it. I want
to what's the book called? Again? That's awesome, Dave. We're
gonna talk a little bit more about Sophia's experience, but
going back to the story a little bit like how
would you like what advice would you give based on
your experience to like help in this transition.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
If he's confused about why she wants to do this,
he needs to ask her what her her motives are.
Maybe she's she can be vulnerable with him and say,
you know, when I was a kid, it was this,
or when I was growing up. I learned this, but
I didn't get to express it. And maybe she's expressing
it now because she feels safe with him, Like maybe
there's a silver lining here. Maybe he's satisfying so many
(15:53):
of her needs that she feels free to now like
touch this other part of her soul that's been like neglected. Yeah,
this could be a relationship building process for them.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Yeah, And I feel like, I mean, I feel like
letting someone explore all parts of themselves can like usually
only be good for the relationship. Or it's like like
maybe maybe the relationship is not actually good for the
person and the chance to let someone be free to
explore our parts of themselves and like wouldn't you want
that for the people you love?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Exactly?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
But we're going to get into the next part of
this story. Is this next part a part two?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It should be an update?
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Yes, Okay, So we have a little recap of the
story and a part two. And just before we get
into the recap, we got a few messages from chat
and two. Devembath says, this is an interesting topic. The
thomasys is Sophia professional Dominatrix Wingle says, Sam, Yes, I'm back.
I was wearing a mask in the beginning. I took
it off because it is hot if I look red.
(16:54):
Is because this is not a very breathable suit. Why
is it not breatheable?
Speaker 3 (16:58):
It's designed for suff in a way.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Okay, okay, I'm suffering for the podcast.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
You also have a shirt and very little air circuity.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, it's true, it's true. I'm doubled up. I'm doubled up.
Edith Gonzalez says, are there any resources you have that
might teach someone who is more of a brat to
become a good dom It's something I'd like to try
for potential like and maybe being into dom ladies, but
I can't see it. Basically, where can someone like learn
more about what it takes to be a dom?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
There are resources like books. There's a book called the
History and Arts of the Dominatrix. I recommend that another
local dom has a book, Domiana Chi. She writes about
the different dominatrix archetypes. Go visit a dominatrix, especially if
you're thinking about doing this with a particular person. Go
(17:52):
let someone show you the ropes and dominatrix will do
more than just the physical. They'll guide you through the intellectual.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yes, so Holly Stein again, we're going to get into
this update in a sec. But Holly Stein says, my
husband I have been married for twenty years and I've
wanted to ask him to try some more SMM, which is.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
What sadism and massacre.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah, but I'm afraid to ask him. How do I
approach him? Do you have any ideas of how to approach?
And I also imagine like hiring someone professional could help
with that.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
Yeah, I think make the approach fun, Like what is
the reason or what is the inspiration for you? First
of all, why do you like that Maybe your partner
if introduced the same way you were, maybe they'll find
it tit delating too? Was it a book, a movie,
an experience you had with someone? And then also like
(18:40):
what is your approach like when do you talk about it?
Like you want to be relaxed in a good mood,
Like don't do it when you're stressed out about other
things because it's a big topic.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yeah, and I feel like a reaction for a lot
of people who have been in more traditional relationships if
you were like, hey, I want to try to dominh mix,
be like, am I not enough? For you. Yeah, how
do you feel like you navigate that question?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
That's a normal response, whether it's I want to see
a dominatrix or I want to be a dominatrix, or
any kind of desire that's not fulfilled. And that's why
I say, like, first of all, approach it with vulnerability,
and then secondly, like learn things together. You know, we
have these like cliched stereotypes about what it means to
(19:27):
practice these things, right that it's someone must must hate
themselves and love pain, or maybe they're a sadist. But
domination can be nurturing, it can be mothering, it can
be discipline. So you've got to first pinpoint what it
is that you actually desire, and then your partner should
want to learn about it too, like read and study
(19:49):
it together.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, that was a great, great answer.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Side note, everyone is saying fifty shades is a terrible example,
and is that Absolutely it's a terrible example. We go
deeper if we're trying to get into this world, go deeper.
There's a lot of indie films that deal with dominance
and submission, because it's not always like the fact that
you put on a gimsuit, right, Like maybe it's the
(20:14):
fact that one person is always taking charge in the relationship,
and so you can look at it as more of
like an alpha beta dynamic, like or maybe the person
who's always in charge in the relationship when they get
into the bedroom, hopefully I can say that word, yeah,
when they get into the bedroom, then they want to switch.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:33):
So like, if you examine this from a motivation perspective,
then it helps you to really come together and not
be like, oh my god, my partner wants something I
can never be.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Yeah. Yeah. And I think like I think most people
want a balance of like like you know, masculine feminine
energies like give and take. Like I think that is
kind of one of the paths to happiness, is like
like being able to embody both like surrender and control.
And I think being able to explore that, I think
actually allows you to express more of what it means
(21:04):
to be human. And I feel like a lot of
people don't think that based on your gender or whatever,
like you need to fit into one of those categories.
And I think that's just like such a limiting belief
of like one can.
Speaker 3 (21:15):
Express our personalities don't really have to do with gender.
Think about how many you know, bossy women and more
submissive men there are, and there's nothing wrong with that.
And sometimes the problem or the fear that that male
partner may have is like, oh, if my partner is
a domb, does that make me a sub And they're
(21:35):
thinking how do I look.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Now, yeah? Or like yeah it does my masculinity yeah yeah, Okay,
all right, So we're going to get into the next story.
If you guys have any other thoughts or feelings about
the last story, please let us know in the comments below.
So this is a new story. My girlfriend wants to
be professional dominatrix. My twenty five male girlfriend twenty four
female and I have been together for about a year
(21:57):
and a half and while this isn't the longest time,
we both feel our relationship has been fantastic and really
something special. When I first met her, I learned she
was formerly a professional dominatrix and I'm not into that
stuff personally, but I have no problem with it. She
told me about the stuff she used to do, and
it was intense, really intense. She never pushed it on me,
and we've always been able to talk about it openly
(22:19):
without any awkwardness and by the way. This comes from
Complex Kuala. Do you want to submit your own stories,
go to the r slash Okay storytime subreddit. And today
we have some amazing advice from an actual dominatrix, Sophia.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
I'm here for you.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
So a few times she's mentioned that she might someday
be interested in getting back into it, both for the money,
which is fantastic. Is that true?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
It can be nice.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
And because she really enjoys doing it, which is the
more important reason. I've never really thought of it as
cheating due to the nature of it. And I've told
her honestly that I'd be okay if she got back
into it. And today she told me that she decided
to get back into the business and has just started
setting up sessions again. I feel like, based on what
(23:03):
we kind of said from last story, it's important that
if you want to ensure that your relationship is respected
before any like big change like this that your partner
potentially could be uncomfortable with, like get you know, enthusiastic
consent on that, right.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Yeah, of course, And I think she did that. And
there's still more. They're going to have to discuss what
happens in the sessions. Does he need to know, and
she just keep it confidential and there be a level
of trust. That's good. There's a lot of factors, but
I think that people should just kind of zoom out
and say, you know what, people start relationships at work
(23:40):
all the time. This is not different. Just because someone
pays you to dominate them doesn't mean you have any
attraction to them at all. Sometimes it's quite the opposite.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
So I'm curious, like if I'm curious what the like
the difference in boundaries are for uh dominatrixes like, and
I imagine they vary widely, and I'm curious, like what,
like how you establish those and if you have it,
like any of your own, like what they are?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Yeah, all doms do, and usually on the website they'll
say what their specialties are and what they don't do,
because you know, men will ask for everything. Yeah, and
they'll try to push your boundary. And it's perfectly okay
for one dom to do something and another to say
absolutely not. You know, as long as it's legal and
ethical towards that person and towards yourself, then why not.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Okay, I gotta ask what are your specialties?
Speaker 3 (24:32):
I am mostly considered a mommy dom a nurturer, disciplinarian,
and most often a queen.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Yeah, what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (24:41):
Like what people people come to worship?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Okay, can you like what? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Can we can we see that?
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Okay, a little bit of Oh would you like to worship?
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Well, I you can you tell me what it looks like.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
I've already getting read. But can you tell me a
little bit what that would look like?
Speaker 3 (25:05):
So for me, it could be domestic services. If we
were at my place, I would have you doing some dishes, chores,
scrubbing the shower, probably in women's panties. Really, yeah, it's fun.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
It's yeah.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Okay, so you take I take on the role of
the queen, and then my servant comes in and then
I do weird things like what do you do? Like
maybe while they're cleaning the shower with panties they get
spank or maybe they have to get on all fours
and crawl across the room. When they make my perfect
dirty martini, I'll make sure I can balance it on
(25:42):
their back and kick my feet up. Treat them like
an object.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Do you have like multiple working for you at the same.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Time, sometimes like a stable I don't have a stable.
People always ask me how many? How many? And like, honestly,
I'll sometimes not have a personal submissive because I haven't
found the right one.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Yeah, because it's like like like any relationship you need
and there needs to be like like a certain level
of like chemistry. I mean chemistry is not that I
don't know I chemistry is the right word, but like
compatibility both.
Speaker 3 (26:13):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I this is going.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
I was told that you asked for grapes.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
What is that guy that we talked about? I forgot that.
Let's let's we'll put a pin in that.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Back to this during donations like this, what.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
Do you guys think we're going to do with these grapes?
Where are they going to go? Oh?
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So it's like
like dynamic needs to serve both parties.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Yeah, and I call my place Dampton Abbey. So I'll
be here all day with the puns. But so if
they're not servicing my space, they might be servicing me personally.
So I teach them foot worship to start, Okay, so
I'm always getting a great foot massage. If we do
(27:11):
have chemistry, they might be allowed to kiss my toes
and then we go from there.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Crazy, that's so cool. Okay, I'm going to keep reading
the story. So, uh, the day she told me that
she decided to get back into the business and has
just started setting up sessions, she asked me again if
I was okay with it, and I told her I
was only I'm not so sure if I am, which
(27:37):
I think is like a common question or a common
common answer where it's like, like, maybe I need to
see how I feel. Like it's like like you kind
of need to see how you feel in the moment
because often you know, before you jump off the cliff,
you don't know how the air feels on the way
down right, Like, And uh, I think that's I think
that's like an important important test.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Yeah, this is something that's an ongoing navigation of Oh wait,
you did that one session I felt a certain way
because I was out of town, but another session you
did was fine because I knew it was a trusted
repeat client.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
I mean there's so many variable yeah, And I think,
like that's what's cool about testing the boundaries of anything
is you get to understand like what those boundaries feel like,
and like which boundaries make you feel safe, which boundaries,
which boundies don't. And I think, like, you know, a
lot of people say like, oh, like you know, you
test the boundaries, you could ruin your relationship, blah blah blah.
But like the boilerplate of you know, you know, like
(28:30):
a heteronormative relationship like doesn't work. It's like fifty percent
of marriages and in divorce, right, So it's like you
testing it can often improve our at least strengthen a relationship.
And you don't necessarily have to accept a boilerplate relationship
if that doesn't work for you. So I want to
support her, but I'm having trouble separating that part of
her life from what we have together. I'm not sure
(28:53):
I'll ever be able to satisfy her s and m
oriented needs. So I'm happy that she'll be getting that
from somewhere else. So as an end, satam asochism, as
you said, And can you just explain what that term
means really quick.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
Yes, Sadism means you enjoy inflicting pain. Masochism means you
enjoy receiving pain.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
So I'm happy that she'll be getting that from somewhere.
And I know that if I mentioned that, I'm uncomfortable
with it. She'll call the whole thing off as in
the relationship who so this my I mean, I don't
know if you know that. I feel like again, like
have a conversation and see if that's true. But I
think we'll find I think we'll I think through conversations
you can understand what the boundaries are.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
Yeah, the partner that supports you when you're striving for
the thing that you want most is someone you highly value.
But if he's sensing that she really just wants to
be single, that's another issue.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Yeah, that could be it. So I really don't want
to do that to her. So I'm considering just pretending
I'm okay with it and hoping that I eventually all
become okay with it. Any advice? We have another story
after this, but what is your the last thing? Again,
what he said is, I'm considering just pretending I'm okay
(30:05):
with it and hoping eventually I'll become okay with it.
What advice would you give on that? As a professional dominator?
Speaker 3 (30:10):
They need to do a really fun session together, like
just just play like kids, because that's what kink is like.
Put on the suit, get the grapes out, not knowing
what's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
What is going to happen with these grapes? You're going
to feed me, I'm going to feed like right now?
Speaker 3 (30:27):
No when I say when I say deal?
Speaker 1 (30:32):
So, like, what would like a what do you think
a couple session would look like that you think would
allow them to explore some of these like in a
healthy way.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Just make a safe, comfortable, inspiring space to just play.
You just say, hey, let's get let's bring let's get
some toys, like be a kid again, but in an
adult way with the spiciness and establish some boundaries. You
could do a safe word, but be like, I want
to try some new things. You know, maybe there's some
things that help you really whatever that might be, and
(31:02):
say I'm gonna be in charge. I'm going to be
the master, the director first, but then I want to
switch and see what you do. But the thing that
scares us is the unknown. So take some of these
scary boogeymen out of the sphere of the unknown, try
to relate and understand, and then you'll be like, oh,
this isn't cheating, Yeah, this isn't a threat. Yeah, And
(31:25):
it might take time.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
You've got to be patient, yeah, especially depending on what
kind of Like I think, depending on what kind of
background you come from, you know, it can be I
imagine being in like the religious context, Like that is
a very constricting cultural context to come from. So it's like,
you know, understanding how to navigate that might be more
difficult for someone than someone who like brought up with
(31:48):
like a more free flowing context. Right, So it's like
everyone's gonna be a little bit different. So great advice.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
We have another story, but let's read some Whitney takes
a five bucks. There's a guy that went around online
buying feet picks, and I sent sample picks to him once.
He just emailed me today fourteen years later. What about
what does he want more?
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Those feet?
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Yeah? Those feet one fetish? Really yeah? The world?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah, do you understand why?
Speaker 3 (32:22):
I definitely understand why?
Speaker 1 (32:24):
Wait? Why?
Speaker 3 (32:25):
First of all, there are seven thousand nerve endings in
the feet, which is double the nerve endings in the
male part. No way, Yeah, So the feet are very
sensitive to pleasure. So for the receiver of foot worship,
it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
But when it comes to like, you know, feet pigs,
the person's not receiving them, they're just looking at them.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
Hey is John og host. We're gonna get back to
the stories, but a quick three minute break of ads
from our sponsors.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
So why the fetish Why do men love women's feed? Well,
first of all, it's like the lowest body part, right,
it's party walk around with these things. So when a
woman has beautiful, elegant, well cared for feet, it can
be as attractive as a face or or her hands.
(33:13):
But also, worshiping something lowly means that person is just
like dripping with desire for the other person.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
Yeah, that's how much were to like, Like, if you
were to desire feet that much, like, imagine what the
rest of the desire would translate to.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
Yes, And I also love women's feet. I had a
fetishist partner and I didn't know what any of that
was about. And then because of his worship of my feet,
I started looking at women's feet and I'm like, oh,
I get it.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
So is there like, what is the best way to
worship someone's feet?
Speaker 3 (33:47):
Communication? First of all, do they like that?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Yeah? Like what like what what do they do?
Speaker 3 (33:52):
They even want their feet?
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (33:55):
And then I teach a foot worship class at my events. Yeah,
there's technique, but start with communication.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Could you give me just one one pointer? My girlfriend's
in the chat right now. Oh so Ali, get ready.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Get ready? Ali? I love this for you. I mean
it starts with massage, like have you ever had your
feet massaged?
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Yeah, yeah, go get some massages. Feel what it's like,
and then talk through it. Hey, do you like the
pressure on your insul Do you like your toes massage?
Is it more like your calves? What is it?
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (34:36):
Where are you feeling tense? Give a great massage. It
can start with like a little pampering, like a warm towel,
cleaning the feet, making sure the person is sitting comfortably
and relaxed. If you really think about it as worship,
then you're like approaching your queen. Yeah, so like with reverence.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
That's really cool. Tattoo MANI thanks for the ten bucks.
Hi guys, and miss Sophia. It's stunning. By the way,
Thank you. I'm so happy to see you on stream
as someone in the lifestyle. I am beyond thrilled. Question
for you. I am a by Brady sub lg and
in an eight year relationship, newly married, my husband isn't dominant.
(35:13):
Is it possible to educate him. Can you tell us
what by Brady sub ig LG means.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
LG probably little girl?
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Okay, what does that mean?
Speaker 3 (35:23):
So you can inhabit a character of a younger person
in kinky, So like I'm a Brady little girl?
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Yeah like that?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
Okay, Yeah, it's possible to educate again, start with being vulnerable.
Why do you like this thing? What does it make
you feel? Why is it something you want to do
with your partner? Like when you say, hey, I have
this kink and I really want to do it specifically
with you, I mean that can be a BONDINGERI yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
And I think also like the longest roads start with
a single step, Like don't expect someone who hasn't played
with dominance or submission to be able to do it
like a lot I don't know, profession many actions. Yeah,
it's like I think, I think, like any personality play,
I feel like it starts with like very small steps,
like you know, do it for like a moment, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
And like what I describe I teach female domination workshops
is like this is Los Angeles. Guys, like a lot
of us are in the industry. We play for a living.
So you think of a scene as just that. Think
of it like a movie scene, a one act play,
two act play, three act whatever. What are your roles?
Who are these characters, what are the costumes, what's the script?
(36:34):
What kind of language do you use with each other?
Be creative, have fun?
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Yeah, a little improv Yeah. So to answer your question, yes,
it is possible to train start small. Marvel Simtrist says,
is it common for dom to suddenly want to give
up their role, whether it's for one session or forever.
Speaker 3 (36:50):
Yeah, it's being a professional dom is very challenging. Well,
I don't know if this person is lifestyle or professional.
It's spicy work and your constantly being bombarded with men's desires.
So you have to be able to navigate unwanted attention,
You have to be able to navigate potentially abusive kinds
(37:12):
of behavior towards you. Then you're thinking about the business
side of it too, So it's a very complex type
of work. People don't always think about that. You're an entrepreneur.
You work for yourself, you only eat what you kill,
and you also want to keep to your own standards
and boundaries, and people will constantly be trying to push those.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Yeah, and I feel like like life in general, people
are pushing your boundaries, but I feel like this is
one where the boundary push can be more.
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Extreme, right because there's there aren't any rules and there's
no oversight and.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
Besides the ones you establish.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
Yeah, but there's there's no other you know, committee that's
going to come in and say, well, actually you know
under Osha law. No, Yeah, it's the wild West.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
Yeah. So we have one more story and we're going
to get back into it. All right. So my dominations
friends hates me because I stole one of her clients.
Thanks warm, all right, So I twenty eight male, made
friends with this dude twenty eight male from my running club.
I'm also friends with twenty eight female who works as
(38:19):
a dominatrix. No spicy sleep involved, and we can call
her Chloe. Well, for a while I didn't realize this,
but my friend twenty eight male we will call Carl,
was one of her top clients and would fork out
a lot of cash. As I got closer to him,
he confided in me that this side of him was
ruining his life and self esteem, not to mention his wallet,
(38:43):
though he hit it well. I guess he had never
told anyone about this stuff. By the way, this comes
from a throwaway account. And do you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slash okay storytime subreddit.
And today we have an actual dominatrix with us, Sofia,
who will be giving her opinions as someone in the industry.
So my dom friend slipped up when we were hanging
(39:03):
out because she started talking about one of her clients,
which I'm sure you're not supposed to do. Is that true?
Speaker 3 (39:10):
No, as long as you keep their identity concealed. You
should have people you can talk to about your client.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yeah, but it should be done in a confidential way. Yeah.
But she was wasted the way she described small details
of him. I realized it might be Carl. She was
talking about how much money he forks out to her,
that it was so much, And I asked Carl about
the dommy visits and he confirmed it was her. I
told her that I know Carl, and she seemed surprised,
(39:38):
but okay, Well, Carl asked me to help him curb
his habit. So I told Chloe that maybe she should
stop seeing him, but she refused and stressed how much
money he brings in. I was a bit disappointed in her.
Maybe I was seeing things in black and white. So
the kind of I think the question is like, you know,
what point do you try to I guess, like, at
(40:02):
what point do you make sure that your services are
helping more than they're hurting.
Speaker 3 (40:06):
That's very important for me because I do get approached
by men who have compulsions and addictions in the spicy realm,
and it doesn't feel good to reinforce or encourage that.
I even had one client just online, not someone I
was seeing in person, asked me to help him overeat
and get fatter. Like of course, I said no, There's
(40:29):
like no amount of money where I want to help
someone damage themselves. So yeah, it's an ethical issue. But
I don't know what their conversation was, the domin and client.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
Yeah, yeah, and I think I think it can be
again like you just want to have communication through all
of these parties to see what is best for everyone. Well,
I just made it my mission to uplift Carl. I
always prided myself on being a positive and uplifting person.
I became his gym buddy and started organizing more runs
with him and meeting up with him more to see
how he's doing mentally and just all around being there
(41:00):
for him, but also giving him tough love by acting
as an accountability partner, which again like maybe this DOM isn't
doing that for this guy. But in terms of like
doms in general, like like you were saying, like they
can be accountability buddies. They can offer like services that
like help with I just like you know, mapping out
your your inner mentality.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
Yeah, regulation, moderation. Sometimes someone is too far on the
beta side of things in their own life. They don't
DOM themselves, and so they're like, mommy, can you fix it?
Do everything for me, tell me what to do, and
like that can be become a codependent relationship. You could
be enabling someone's like bad behavior towards themselves. Yeah, and yeah,
(41:42):
it's not ethical to take money to do that, but
if they say, actually, in a consensual way, I want
to be tormented or humiliated, then then that is ethical.
So without knowing their conversations, it's hard to cast judgment.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
So I would ask him from time to time whether
he is watching corn because we agreed we both undergo
No fab, I undertook this thing so he wouldn't feel
alone in doing that. Months went by and he turned
his life around. He stopped seeing doms and watching any corn.
Dude's doing quite well now with the ladies. But the
thing is, I never told Chloe that it was me
(42:20):
who helped him with this. She asked me what happened
to Carl and was just talking about how she realized
just how much of her income came from him. I
told her everything. She got angry and called me an
a hole and asked me why I did this and
why I didn't tell her about it. I said, you
never asked. Now she's not speaking to me. Maybe I
did interfere with their lives, and maybe I'm an a
hole because I saw things in black and white. But
(42:41):
I sort of saw this as a good thing. Is
this the end of this friendship? What should I do next?
So again, as a DOM, as someone who has helped
a lot of people with these kinds of this kind
of work, what would you say to ope about what
they should do next?
Speaker 3 (42:59):
I think that has to take responsibility for herself if
she was fostering self abuse towards with this man, you know,
and also she was not actually managing her client list. Well,
don't put all your eggs in one basket like that's
a bad investment, like diversify have.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Multiple clients, let all on the business side, her you
have more clients than just one.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
Yeah, and we lose clients all the time.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
It's like your turnover.
Speaker 3 (43:27):
Usually sometimes I get what I call turists and they're like, oh,
I've never tried this thing, and I want to do
it with you. And they try that thing and they're
like okay, cool, I'm good, or I get out of
town clients. So I never expect that they owe me,
you know, a lifelong contract for example.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Do you have clients that have been like coming to
you for like a long time too.
Speaker 3 (43:51):
I just became a pro dom in twenty twenty.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
Two, twenty twenty two, Okay, so it's relatively reach Yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (43:58):
Yeah, but I do what but what I find most
often is, I mean I see them for a little
while and they always resurface.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Yeah yeah, interesting, Well I think is a five star review.
So anything else that you would say to this person
in terms, So you mentioned the business side, but how
about like the just like like how should that you
think this person feel about, you know, like their relationship
with this friend that that's a dom and also like
them helping out this this person.
Speaker 3 (44:27):
Yeah, I think that he was kind of caught in
the middle, right, wanting to help the guy improve his life,
but also caring about the dom's feelings, and there should
have been more communication. If she won't talk to him,
there's really not much he can do. I think that
I understand his perspective, and I think the DOM will
probably just have to learn from this.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Yeah, so that is where that story ends. But I
want some stories from a professional dominet trix. Sofia, could
you maybe tell me about like your first DOM experience,
like maybe like you're either your first DOM experience or
your first time that you had an official client for,
like some of the first because I imagine those are the
(45:11):
most emotionally tumultuous, sometimes in good ways, sometimes in scary ways.
And yeah, I would be curious about some of those stories.
Speaker 3 (45:20):
My first client, I was terrified. Yeah, I was so nervous.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
How did you get your first client?
Speaker 3 (45:27):
I built a website, which I did in my former life.
My profession was media marketing, journalism, filmmaking, all of it.
Speaker 1 (45:36):
I feel like that probably helps the DOM career as well.
Speaker 3 (45:39):
It does you're constantly creating an image of yourself as
a dom and like, I enjoy that part. I enjoy
the creativity. Anyway. I built everything, and I was like
fresh meat in the market. So I got a lot
of inquiries, a lot of good Jewish boys. Interesting, which
is a through line. Wow, even now, the Jewish mom,
(46:00):
it keeps coming back to that. Really she has a
major role in his life. Yeah, and so they would
seek me for the maternal side. Yeah, but like the hot,
mean mom. Yeah, so that was this the nature of
this client. But he'd never seen a dom so it
was kind of like dealer's choice.
Speaker 1 (46:17):
Wait, but how like how did he know he was
like interested in that?
Speaker 3 (46:21):
Probably corn. Yeah. You know, you see something and you're.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
Like, oh, that speaks to me. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:28):
And for men always having to be tough or dominant
or even macho because of your culture, they're like, please,
I want to relief from that, just for a couple hours.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
So questions from some fans. Hey, John Ogi host here,
we're gonna get back to this episode, but a quick
three minute break of ads from a sponsor's keeping the
show alive. September says, I, thirty nine female have always
been into being a submissive. I have had two relationships
with the dom and I loved it. But how do
I get my vanilla boyfriend thirty eight male into being
dominant to me? We have been together since twenty seventeen,
(46:59):
so almost eight years. I can't get him to be
into it. He says his mother taught him to never
be mean to a woman. Is never laid a hand
on me. But I just want him to be a
little bit more dominant with me. So our spicy wrestling
under the covers is very vanilla. It's starting to make
me not want him to touch me. How do I
get him to compromise with me? Because something doesn't change,
it will be the end. I can't take it much more.
(47:21):
And we have another one.
Speaker 3 (47:21):
But yeah, super relatable. A lot of women want to
be handled, they want to be properly topped, And if
the man has some association with abuse, then it's understandable
why he's saying absolutely not to her. I would say,
do a little to him, show him with your own
(47:43):
two hands what it is you want. Yeah, he might
like it too.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
Great advice. Sari asks, what do you want people to
understand about being a dominatrix, especially assumptions that most people get.
Speaker 3 (47:56):
Wrong, that it's all about being cold mean, because obviously
I take it on as play. I've always been creative
and playful, and so this is just the expression of that.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
And Jamadou says, I twenty six female, have been interested
in this field of work for a while and find
it quite interesting, But I'm concerned about the risks involved
with it. What's the riskiest part about this job and
how can I get started in the safest way possible.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
Find a mentor or several start as a lifestyle dom
meaning you don't take money. You just perfect your craft
with other humans who enjoy your dominance, and go slow.
Don't endanger yourself. If you're going to be alone with
someone new, make sure you have some protections built in.
It's just like dating. It's not necessarily more dangerous at all.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Mad Alice says, my boyfriend twenty eight male and I
twenty nine female, are both switches, but are both new
to balancing each other out. I'm not comfortable being dominant
because I've been shamed for it. My boyfriend wants me
to peg him, but doesn't give me the chance to.
How do I go about being more dominant and letting
him be comfortable in his subspace to be able to
deliver on his desire.
Speaker 3 (49:05):
Again, what is dominance and submission? You know, besides pegging.
Pegging people think that it's automatically being submissive, but it's
really just a top or bottom situation. So dominance and
submission is more psychological. Do you want someone telling you
what to do? Or do you want someone physically controlling
your body? Like? Which is it? So communicate? Communicate?
Speaker 1 (49:26):
What do we do with these grapes?
Speaker 3 (49:29):
You can feed me those grapes. I don't think we
can get banned for that. Maybe we'll get picked up
by the Food Network.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
All right, well, we'll do the outro. Higher, higher, are
you here now?
Speaker 3 (49:45):
Perfectly? Lower one grape into my mouth?
Speaker 1 (49:47):
I got. If you love us, make sure subscribe. This
has been another episode of Okay story Time, and we'll
see you in the next one.
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