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r/relationships - My [28/F] husband [37/M] of 2 years blew up at me when I asked if I could be a working SAHM, and accused me of being a horrible step parent to his daughter [8/F]. I'm crushed. Is he right?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, this is Sam. This is a John your og
Okay Storytime podcast host, and we got some great stories
coming up. Before that, we have a quick two minute
break from the sponsors that keep the show a lot.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
I asked to be a stay at home mother for
our newborn. My husband exploded.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I'm gonna be married to no treadwife.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I had afraid no ghosts. Posting from a throway just
in case my husband or any of my family and
friends reads this. I'm going to change a few details
because I'm paranoid, but the story is the same. I
am a saleswoman and I do very well for myself
with my ways. This comes from box fish fan and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
our slash ooka Storytime separate at it so it goes around.
(00:38):
So my husband and I have been married for two
years now and together for five. This is my first
marriage and my husband second. He has an eight year
old daughter from his previous relationship and has always had
full custody of her. Our dating life was tricky, with
him being a full time single dad and having to
work long hours, but we make it work. I met
his daughter when she was four, after we had been
(00:59):
dating for a year. I liked her very much and
have always done my best to be the best step
mommy ever. She calls me mom, and I have done
all the mom things for her. I've helped her get
dressed and ready for school, done her hair, cooked her meals,
helped with homework and soccer practice, taken her for ice
cream dates, tucked her into bed, redder stories, etc. Dany,
(01:19):
so you are you're putting the mom work, man, That.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Is some mom work.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes, but overall, we've
been a very happy family. When my husband and I
got engaged, he asked if I would like to be
a stay at home mom for Lizzie and any future
children we had. At the time, I politely declined. I
was doing well in my career, loved going to work,
and the thought of being home all day with a
kid and doing nothing but housework and typical stay at
(01:44):
home mom things didn't really tickle my fancy. My then
fiance was gracious, and we both assumed that was how
it would be for any future children we had. Fast
forward to now, and I am now six months pregnant
with our son. I am on cloud nine.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
I was or I am.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Always in a permanent state of bliss, and something in
me changed. I started thinking about being a stay at
home mom, and suddenly it didn't seem so bad. I'm
in love with my son and want to spend as
much time with him as I can. I know it's
not all roses and champagne. There's actually actually a lot
of poop, drool, screaming, and exhaustion involved. But I really
(02:22):
can't stand the thought of having two weeks of maternity
leave and then handing my son to a stranger in daycare.
I've been thinking about this for months because I wanted
to make sure this was something I really wanted and
not wishful thinking. I weighed the pros and cons and
spoke to my supervisor. I'm at the point in my
career where I could work from home full time and
(02:43):
stay with my son and pick my stepdaughter up from school.
I certainly wouldn't mind watching her and doing more things
with her too. The more I think about it, the
more I want to try this, So pausing really quick
before we get into more of it. Olpi doesn't seem
like she's even saying that she wants to quit her job.
She just wants to work from home. So like, I
don't know what the issue here would be.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I don't know neither. Maybe something's not working out, maybe
communication isn't happening. Maybe there's a resentment in the air.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
The husband getting jealous that opca to be spending more
time with their kid.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I don't know, but he asked her to do this originally.
I don't know. Yeah, Oh Mingming says, husband's jealous because
she doesn't want to be stay at home mom for
the stepdaughter, but wants to be a stay home mom
now she's pregnant.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
That is a good good oh Leiria, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
So after I put little Lizzie to bed tonight, I
asked my husband if we could talk and excitedly broached
my idea. I was very unprepared for his reaction. My
husband is furious. He yelled that we had agreed I
wouldn't be a stay at home mom before we got married,
and it was bs I was changing my mind now, Mingming,
you were right on the dot. He said, I was
(03:55):
a rotten stepmother and I clearly loved our son more
than Lizzie, and it was disgusting the obvious favoritism. I
was showing him's Louise.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
He also, yeah, low key, dude, you gotta you gotta
see it from her perspective. She hasn't really been a
mom before. Now she is now an act like you know, Yeah,
she's going through that swing of things, so you gotta
you gotta see it from her side. You're married. Why
are we against each other? This should be a problem.
You guys are both against like you can say your problems,
but what's where does this coming from?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
It's it's like a non problem because also she would
be taking care of your daughter as well, So what's
the issue here?
Speaker 3 (04:33):
It just takes people time to realize what they like
and people change, right.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
She's allowed to change her mind again. She's the only
thing that she's changing is that she's working from home now,
or she would want to work from home. He also
said I shouldn't be allowed to stay at home with
our son if his daughter didn't get to experience it
with me. For the record, Lizzie is very excited about
her little brother and can't wait for him to be born.
She's never expressed any kind of anxiety, sadness, or jealousy
(04:58):
towards him or me. I I was shocked and stunned.
My husband is on the couch his choice, and I'm
here crying in our room. I'm so very hurt by
what my husband said. I know I'm not perfect, but
I really have done the best for Lizzie that I could.
I never thought I changed my mind about being a
stay at home mom when I got pregnant, but now
I really truly want to do this. And I wouldn't
(05:20):
have quit my job either, which is a double bonus.
Or I wouldn't have to quit my job either, which
is a double bonus. I am very hurt by what
my husband said, and frankly a little angry at his accusation.
I do not love the baby more than Lizzie. I
do love Lizzie, and while I admit I feel a
deeper connection to this baby, I feel that is due
to the fact that I'm going through the experience of
(05:40):
pregnancy and it's really hitting home for me. This baby
is half me. But that doesn't mean I love Lizzie
any less. It's just different.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Is that really so wrong? Am I really a bad stepmom?
I didn't plan on changing my mind, and again, I
still plan to keep my job, and I don't mind
taking extra care of Lizzie in addition to the baby.
In fact, I think it my be a chance for
us to grow closer and bond over the baby real quick.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
If you are a step mom right now, can you
give us some frameworks or some lenses to look through
on the situation, to kind of gather the differences of
becoming an actual like like, you know, being a mom
with your own child versus being a mom of a
step kid, and like, what to look through here? I
would like to see that insight, Justine says. Plus, she
(06:26):
hasn't been able to work from home back then, but
is now exactly it was a new thing.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
She would have had to quit her job and become
like a full time mom, which is fine, but like
it's not something that she wanted to do.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Dude, I can't wait till I can be a work
at home streamer dad with my kids too.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Honestly, I'm actually really excited for that.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Dude. Low key, we could just keep doing this. Our
kids will be doing whatever.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
They'll be like, they'll be coloring on the floor and
we're like, and we don't bring him on camera.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
And we'll teach them how to read camera. Come on,
stop I'm doing that, and you're like, he's op to ajole.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
They can only read off camera.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
They were cool little masks.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, they'll wear a mask every time they're on camera.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
No, we can get we can get Keon Keanu babysit them. Honestly,
ke On baby system, dude, you'd be a.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
Great baby So I'm actually a really good babysitter.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I called it.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
We'll just take turns. I don't know what to say
to my husband. I tried telling him all the things
I've said here, including spending more time and growing closer
to Lizzie, but all he did was yell louder and
say more awful things about my parenting. I'm pretty crushed
and honestly growing more angry by the minute. I feel
that I am a good step mom to Lizzie and
she seems to think so too. The only one who
(07:39):
seems to have a problem is my husband. And there
is an update, but like huge yeah, as miss jay
Bird says, huge red lag. What's wrong with the husband
not being able to communicate in a mature, calm manner.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
Yeah? Could you?
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Onion says, see if she was fully rejecting her and
not doing what she said she was I'd get it,
but that's not the case. Okay, and that Brittany, I
see you, Lynn says, approach it it. Approach it as husband.
My job is going to let me work from home
once we have the baby, and I'm going to keep
the baby and stopped at our home conversation over different framework.
(08:16):
But still he's not.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Pretty much the same as what she's already been saying.
And he's not even listening to her. The fact is,
it's not that he's saying, no, I don't want to
do that, that doesn't work out. He's screaming at her crazy.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Yeah that I don't like that part. Scholl says. My
stepsons were treated as my own children. They introduced me
as mom. It took some adjustment, but I love them
all more than life. Yeah, it is really weird that
he's not able to communicate correctly.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
I feel like there's something else that's going on here
that he's Yeah, Meming says conspiracy. He's cheating, isn't he?
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:53):
I feel like there's I don't know if it's cheating,
but I feel like there is something that is bothering him.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Dude. The mom, the mom, the mom, the mom. Yes,
his mother in law has been.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Like, oh, this spring in his ear.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Been worm tongue in your dad's e or the husband's
ear this whole time. And that's why he feels this
way towards you, because all this resentment is built up
and now boom, he's gonna hit you with it like
a brick loaded full of trucks.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
True, an awkward cosplay chick, how old is a stepdaughter?
I think she was for. I don't know if she's
still for. She was for.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
Sorry, I'm sorry, but you just saying worm tongue in
I got a tongue in your dad's ear was kind
of insane. I know, I know you, I know what
we're talking about here, but like, making that a verb
is crazy work, dude.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Sometimes you gotta make nouns verbs.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
It's true. Thank you for all the kind and supportive
messages on the last post. It was really helpful, as
well as some of the possible suggestions as to why
my husband suddenly blew up at me. I did get
some nasty messages from what sounded like bitter single dads,
which only further convinced me my husband was being an
absolute rational clown. To address some of the questions that
(10:02):
were asked in the last post. At the time my
husband asked me to be at stay at home mom,
we were not married, nor was I at a place
in my career where I could have worked from home.
I would have had to quit my job, which I
did not want to do, to be a parent to
a child that wasn't mine to a man I wasn't
married to, but would have full financial dependence on. So
that was a huge no go for me. But even
(10:23):
after we were married, it took a while to still
get to a place where I wouldn't have to quit
my job to be a stay at home parent. To
those who were saying I couldn't expect to work full
time from home and take care of an infant in
grammar school girl, you're right. Maybe I worded it wrong
or just didn't go into full details in my post,
But while I would be working from home and I
(10:44):
can do it without having to quit, I would be
working part time instead of full time. Ah, my supervisor
is one hundred percent fine with this. So basically I
would have two weeks maternity leave and then I would
be working from home part time. Two weeks maternity leave
is crazy.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
To me, dude, she's got sales to make.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
That is crazy.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
She's a business woman.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
She's a busy businesswoman.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Low key. Depending on how your payment is structured, you
could get eight months of attorney to leave if you
work the system, that's true. And if she's in sales
and she meets with people, yeah, maybe that helps her.
She's like, oh, I just have my baby, and they're
like more implied by oh.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
We want to we want to spend money on this now.
Uh wow, I will take a cut in my pay.
My company is great and is letting me keep full
benefits despite part time hours. That's amazing. I know my
husband isn't worried about finances because even if I quit,
he makes more than enough to be comfortably to comfortably
support us. I just love working too much to completely quit,
(11:43):
but my son is definitely a priority for me. Lizzie's
mom is in the picture, but just barely. She has
borderline personality disorder, drinks like a fish, and is just
basically an irresponsible party animal. She sees Lizzie maybe one
week and a month if she isn't too hungover or
baked to make an effort. The only nice thing I
can say about her is that at least she makes
child support payments on time, minuscule as they are. Lizzie
(12:07):
doesn't like her very much and has made it clear
she prefers me to her mother. I can't say I
blame her, poor dear. So I went to bed that
night very angry after my crying Jack what Because I
love Lizzie and I've been a great mom to her.
The next couple of days were very quiet. It was
distant but polite to my husband, and still warm and
cuddly with Lizzie. I didn't really want anything to do
(12:28):
with him. My husband started picking on everything I did
for Lizzie around the house and started saying more things
like why are you bothering? And that's not how this
should be done? And I'll bit that makes you feel
just great? Who is this man?
Speaker 4 (12:41):
Bro?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
You gotta why is your partner being rude?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
You gotta view this as a partnership, not a You're
not it's not a competition. You haven't been slided, You're
not been betrayed. Nope, we gotta go to therapy asap
right now. Ape.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I had had enough. After I put Lizzie to bed,
I told my husband I was sick of his nasty
attitude and he was setting a toxic environment for his daughter,
and that if he had something to say, he should
say it. He started to yell and scream again, but
I put my foot down this time. I said, I
want to work through whatever problems we have and get
this issue resolved because I love you and care about you,
(13:19):
but I will not take toxic, abusive behavior. I will
not talk to you until you are ready to be
respectful and kind. Good on you, Opie, Good on you
setting your boundaries and not allowing him to freakin talk
to you like that. Yeah, and to yell at you.
He's a baby, He's a literal toddler. My husband lost
(13:40):
it even more and screamed, I'm sleeping on the couch,
So I said, excuse me, Or oh, maybe scream that
he wants ope to sleep on the couch. So I said,
excuse me. I am heavily pregnant with your son, and
every part of me hurts. I need access to the bathroom.
When I wake up at night, I will be sleeping
in the bed. You can either join me if you
(14:00):
can be quiet, or you can sleep out here. He
seemed kind of taken aback, and I just left and
went to bed. I guess he slept on the couch.
The next day, after Lizzie went to bed, I said
that I think we need to set up an appointment
with a marriage counselor good. Oh, he's the only one
who is acting like an adult here, like literally has
done nothing wrong. I brought up literally brought up working
(14:23):
from home, and that's it.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
I don't know why. This is a very big reaction,
huge reaction.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
It doesn't make sense. Something is afoot. My husband said,
I'm the only one with a problem, so he won't go.
I asked him to please tell me what was bothering
him then so we could work through it. In a nutshell,
he is pissed. I didn't want to quit my job
and be a stay at home mom for Lizzie, but
I do for our son, so therefore I love our
son more and that makes me a terrible person. This
(14:51):
man is making a lot, a lot, a lot a
lot of just assumptions and he needs to stop.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
I explained, like I had before, I didn't want to
quit my job and be dependent on a man I
wasn't married to. He got very defensive and said It's
clear I never trusted him then, and that makes me
a bad wife and mother. I asked, why didn't he
quit his job then and be a stay at home dad.
He blustered a bit, then responded, he makes more true
and children need a mom during the early years more
(15:21):
than a dad. That's what you're dumb. It feels like
he just wants op to be like a full like
doesn't want her to have a job and wants her
to be a full stay at home mom, and like
want and wants to have this level of control, and
he's just kind of kept it in until now. Dude,
if he's yelling.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
If my wife was in sales and then she was like,
I'm gonna stay at home and take care of the kids,
still gonna make money, I'm gonna be like, dude, we
could use that money for trips. We can use this
money for X y Z. Since already make enough to
provide for everything, we can invest this, dude. We can
get a we can get lake house pretty soon in
eight years if we invest this, right. Why me not
(15:59):
thinking like that, dude.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Just think, just think, honestly. He also said that since
Lizzie never had the experience of a stay at home mom,
and then our son shouldn't have the favoritism of getting
it either, because it wasn't fair to Lizzie. She will
though she literally is going to have the experience of
a stay at home mom. Yeah, she's still a child, yep.
I said it was ridiculous to punish me and her
(16:21):
son for being unable to travel back in time and
to change the uterus Lizzie was conceived in. I also
said infants need a lot more care than pre ca keds.
That opened a whole leather can of worms with my
husband resenting me for not quitting work and being a
full time stay at home mom, and that if I'm
going to do something, I should do it fully engaged.
There it is he wants you to fully quit your
(16:43):
job because he wants a level of control over you
that he doesn't have right now.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Seems like a trap.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Yeah, and he's upset that you're trying to make decisions
for yourself that are good for you. Uh. And uh,
he's trying to assert dominance, dude.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
I remember reading a story about this couple that didn't
get married. Her boyfriend girlfriend for a very long time,
had four kids. Her husband one day was like, you're out,
she canna do a thing?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Oh I remember that one.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Yeah, yeah, she canna do a single thing. Yeah, it's
the territory go.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I mean, being a stay at home mom is like
a great you know, it's a great thing to do. Uh,
And it is one path in life for people, or
a stay at home parent in general. But if you like,
you have to be on the same page with your
partner so like so much because you don't have a
job and you were ring on your partner for support,
(17:33):
and so you have to make sure that that is
a good partner you know that you picked. He then
went on and on about how I'm breaking our agreement
for me to not be a stay at home parent
and how that makes me unstable. I pointed out, I
have a right to change my mind. She's allowed to
change her mind, and I won't give my baby to
a stranger to raise while fretting about him all day
at the office. I said, I was very willing to
(17:55):
do more things with Lizzie, like taking her to the
zoo and museums with the baby, get involved at pet
at her school, and go to her sporting events so
me and her brother can watch her while she practices.
I said, this is healthy for all the children, and
he had a warped view of justice and fairness by
depriving our children of a healthy environment because Lizzie's mom
(18:15):
was an unfit parent. I said his guilt won't go
away by taking opportunities away from our kids, and that
I was willing to work out whatever issues there were
and to go to a counselor and speak to a
child psychologist and other professionals that could give him an
unbiased professional opinion. No, he became violently angry again and
(18:35):
said I was going back to work two weeks after
the birth, and that was the end of the discussion.
That I had had my chance to be a stay
at home mom, and since I didn't take it for
Lizzie when I could, I wasn't allowed to do it
now since he wouldn't let me. And the wouldn't let
me is a big old red flag, big glaring red
(18:56):
flag that you need to look at and be like,
oh wow, this man is trying to literally control me.
This is not a relationship that is going to work. Yeah,
either you go to marriage counseling or you have to
leave this relationship.
Speaker 5 (19:10):
Because I'm so tunnel vision on so touttle visions. Oh,
it's gross, awkward.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Causby Chick says, he sounds like he will only get
worse from here. He will then try to control your spending,
who you talk to, hang out with, et cetera. Frank
the Pug says, is this even considered changing her mind?
They're having another child. It's changing the situation, which requires
a new look and new decisions to be made. Exactly
now they have two children. It's just a different situation now.
(19:38):
As much as I love my husband and our children,
I will not be controlled. I will not be told
where I can and can't work. I will not be
told if I can or can't work. I am not
a dog. I am not a slave. I will not
be told to deny my own baby as mother and
hand him to a stranger because his sister got a
bad start in life. Purposely neglecting your own child opportunities
(19:59):
in the name of fairness is insane. That is being
a bad parent. The fact that my husband wanted to
do this to me and my son flipped a switch
in me. I stood up calmly and told my husband
I was leaving, that he had crossed the line and
I needed space from him, and that I would not
subject any child of mine to this kind of abuse
of controlling environment. I said, when things calm down, we
(20:21):
can go to marriage counseling because he clearly has deep
seated issues that need to be worked out. He became
hysterical and said I can't leave, that we have a family,
that I can't take his son, etc. Etc. I was
just done by that point. I said that for once,
he will take Lizzie to school and I will leave.
During that time, I went to our room and started packing.
(20:43):
He started throwing my clothes out of the suitcase and
screaming at me. I was honestly pretty terrified. I had
never seen my husband like this. I told him if
he tries to prevent me from going or touches me
in any way, I would be calling the police. I
also said I was calling my mother to get me.
Maybe it was an overreaction, but I was scared, senseless,
(21:04):
and I just wanted to get myself and my son
away from it. He started crying really hard, just sobbing,
and walked away. I called my mother and said she
did she needed to come and get me immediately, and
that I didn't feel safe and I needed to stay
with her for a bit really quick, pausing, Wow, I'm
so scared for Lizzie because like, presumably she's still in
(21:25):
this house hearing all of this screaming, and it doesn't
seem like it seems like every time she goes to
bed or like she's just in the other room, he's
just starts screaming, which she can obviously hear.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Was there. It doesn't sound like there's been a history
of this. This just all of a sudden happened.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Now, that is my question. I wonder, Oh, he hasn't
really said whether or not this has been his style
of kind of arguments or arguing. So I am wondering
if this is just out of the blue.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
I remember watching in a podcast if we watching this?
One guy recently he had a divorce attorney come on
and one of the big questions before people get married
that he was like, you should figure out how do
you like to fight, and like, whenever you have a disagreement,
do you need space to figure out your thoughts before
you come back? Do you want to talk it out
right now? Do we go to sleep mad? Do we
(22:15):
not go to sleep mad? What does that look like
that may help you. I'm just don't I just can't
get a vibe on this guy. This guy just is
all over the place having a breakdown.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Something. Something's got to be going on, having a breakdown.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Yeah, I don't know if that's even it. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Dutchess Cassanda says she did say she'd never seen her
husband act this way, okay, and Persa Grieba says, if
you're scared it's over, your partner should never make you
feel unsafe. Absolutely, I agreed. I quickly packed what I needed,
and my mom came and got me. I've been with
her for about five days now, and I feel just numb.
I can't believe how fast this all happened, and how
(22:54):
my family and marriage got turned upside down in just
a few days. I wish I had never brought up
being a stay at home parent. If I had, this
never would have happened. Oh, Pie, you need to know.
If this specific scenario hadn't happen, it would have been
something else. Yeah, this man, if this is how he's
reacting to a question to a to you guys trying
(23:16):
to figure out how you're going to parent your kids,
and this is how he's reacting. He would have found
something else to blow up over.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
My husband and I were no contact for a couple
of days, and then he started texting and calling on
day three, saying, Lizzie's been crying for me and misses me.
I've ascertained that Lizzie is safe. I know my husband
would never mistreat her, but I spoke to her yesterday anyways,
and made sure she's being fed, going to school, and
doing her homework. She was crying and asking me when
I'd come back, and I didn't know what to say
(23:44):
to that, so I said I didn't know, but that
I love her very much. I told my husband to
stop using Lizzie as a pond to manipulate me into
coming back, because it won't work. He actually said, I'm
proving I'm a terrible step parent by not coming back
and being there for her. Man has not learned anything
in the five days. I said that if I'm so terrible,
you shouldn't want me back then and do not speak
(24:05):
to me again until he is ready to go to
counseling and leave Lizzie out of our problems. I said.
If Lizzie is mentioned in any text or email, I
will delete it without reading the rest of it. I
set any phone call where he tries to bring her
up outside of the context of her being safe and
taken care of, I will immediately hang up. I said,
I do not want to talk to him right now,
and he should figure out what he wants because I
(24:28):
am ready to file for divorce if he doesn't pull
it together soon.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
I thought they were married there, although she said she
wasn't married.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
No, she's married, she said. Oh. Earlier, she said that
he had originally asked her to become a stay at
howned parent and quit her job when they first started dating,
got it, or maybe not first started dating, but like
we had gotten serious but weren't married, and she was
saying that she didn't want to get She didn't want
to do that because she didn't have the security of
being married him.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
God, So I just now when I mentioned about the
boyfriend and girlfriend, yeah, I thought they weren't. The reason
I brought that up is because I thought they weren't married.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Oh no, they're married. Well, I'm glad that it was
relevant to her first point.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
So yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
He's been silent since except for one text I got
today saying he wants me back and misses me this man,
stop stop, You're.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Exhausting these mind games.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I really don't know where to go from here. I'm
still trying to process all of it, although writing it
down here helps. I just can't believe my husband did
all this, and I'm wondering if he just had a
psychotic break, that's what it sounds like. I'm wondering what
Fred flaggs I've missed all this time, and why I
was stupid enough to marry and have a family with
this guy, and how could I've been so blind. I
(25:44):
want to divorce him, but I'm not ready to head
for the divorce court yet. I want some space and
time to process it all and see if my husband
shows signs of wanting to go to counseling or trying
to repair the damage done, if this was just a
one time thing, or if this is who he really is.
I feel terrible for Lizzie, but I can't put myself
or my son in jeopardy by moving back out of guilt.
(26:06):
I'm being selfish right now and saying that my son
and I are priorities. Right now, I have to do
what's best for my son. And there is a second.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
You go, girl, you're you do, You're doing it.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
You were in an unsafe situation where your husband was
screaming and yelling at you, yeah, and just not listening
at all, and it still seems like he is not
capable of listening to you or understanding what needs to
be done. And so right now, it's just it's the best.
You know, the best thing for you is to stay
with your mom, stay with a safe person with your
child until you're able to have an actual conversation with him.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
And maybe that is never goodness, gracious, dode, go get
your brain scanned. What I Yeah, I don't really have
anything else to say. I'm just more worried about her
after divorce. Could she get could she go back to
full time with her sales job and be okay, get
child support? All these kind of things.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
I mean, I think I'm sure Like it seems like
her work would be fine with her going back to
full time. Of course, it would be tricky because she's
you know, having to take care of the kid and stuff.
But yeah, we'll see. But there is a second update, truthfully,
Oh whoa I do? Oh Sarah Montrass's if it's a
medical concern, he definitely needs help. But I've dealt with
(27:21):
too many narcissists and they can hide their true selves
for a very long time. Could go either way, but
medical testing couldn't hurt oh man. But let's get into
this update. Hi everyone, I know it's been a long time,
but I just wanted to give a brief update while
I still have time. I put small whales to shame
with my current size, and my baby is ready to
(27:43):
burst out of me in just a few weeks, although
he technically could come any day now. So after my
last post, my husband's brother and best friend went over
there to figure out what the heck was going on.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Okay, all right, more answers.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Finally, my boss was gracious and let me start maternity
leave early, saying to take my time and figure out
what I'm going to do, and my job is ready
for me when I come back, so they are taking
really good care of me. I also got a personal therapist,
because obvious reasons are obvious. I was a numbshell for
a while, and one day I just broke and started
crying and crying and crying and could not stop for
(28:17):
the life of me. I don't think I've cried that
hard ever in my life. My therapist has been a
great part of my support system and guiding me through
my issues and supporting my decisions. So, as I said,
my husband's brother and friend went over there to talk
to him, and they told me that he told them
he was pissed off I was breaking our previous agreement
(28:37):
and that he couldn't help but feel I didn't love
Lizzie or that I loved our son more, and that
maybe he made a mistake marrying me because now I
was picking sides and being unstable, and that I had
left when he told me to treat the children fairly
because he didn't think our son should get a stay
at O mom because Lizzie didn't.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
WHOA, my dude, that is some reach in here.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Wow, he is just totally manipulating or just like lying
about the situation.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
I know, OPI He's gonna find more red flags of
what happened in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Oh yeah,
and they completely ripped into him. His best friend, Craig
asked him what the f was he on to come
to such a ridiculous conclusion, he pointed out all I
had ever done for Lizzie and that me being a
part time working, stay at o mom would benefit her
too because I would be able to do more things
with her and spend more time with her, and also
(29:31):
that he was a moron and I was smart and
clearly not after his money, because I could have been
a stay at home mom just for her and let
him be the sole financial provider, but I didn't. His brother, Daniel,
was even more blunt. Daniel called my husband an ale
and douchebag and said point blank he didn't deserve me.
He said, my husband was being a controlling knucklehead and
(29:51):
punishing me for his witch of an ex wife he
shouldn't have married and reproduced with in the first place.
You're I mean, at least you know he's got some
people in his life. I'm telling him, telling him things straight.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
That's that's nice. That's nice.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Apparently there is a lot of family anger on my
husband's side for him marrying and having a kid with
his ex wife, and I won't go into it anyway.
Daniel said, I was the best thing to ever happen
to him, my husband and Lizzie, and he was ruining
it with his own two hands, and he better manned
the f up and get over his ex and start
treating me better and appreciating me more, and that he
(30:26):
was being a crap parent to Lizzie and our son
by thinking that forcing me to return to work was
okay because that made it fair, and that I was
a far better mother to Lizzie than his ex ever was.
And I did a dang good job of showing my
love for I wrote that my husband started texting me
in my last post, and then he started blowing up
my phone begging me to come back, that he couldn't function,
(30:48):
et cetera. He also broke my rule and said Lizzie
wasn't doing well without me, which really angered me and
broke my heart because I loved that little girl. But
it felt so manipulative.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Yeah, yeah, I see he's weaponizing.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
He's using Lizzie to uh to, you know, get you
to do what he wants. She misses you, she wants
you to come back. Yeah. I feel like I look,
I look more pale now, ISN'TM I crazy? I basically
told my husband, if he continues to use Lizzie as
a reason, I should come back. I would be filing
for divorce because I would not be with someone who
(31:23):
uses a child as a manipulative tool, and that I
didn't want to be a replacement mom for Lizzie. I
wanted to be his wife and have a family with
him that included Lizzie. I said, get a therapist and
into couples counseling with me, or he would be getting
divorce papers because I will not have my son in
a toxic, controlling environment. Good on you. My husband agreed
(31:43):
to both, saying he couldn't live without me and he
knew he needed help. I just still don't trust this.
Speaker 3 (31:48):
Friends. You guys gotta, like I don't know, band together
and track this man of therapy or something. Yeah that,
but he's gonna go. I want this to work out
in the aspect that they have a kid, grabbing a
kid together, having a kid together, OHPI solid, Lizzie has
a good mom influencing her life. I just want this
(32:09):
man to fix whatever's going on in his head so
that he can like make this happen. Yeah, like I agree.
I do think it could still work out, but this
behavior has got to get out, has got to go.
You gotta get to the root of it as fast
as you possibly can, my dude, and get rid of it.
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta weed eat that thing.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Please.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Hey, it's Sam, your og host.
Speaker 3 (32:30):
Here.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
We're gonna get back to the stories, but here's three
minutes of ads from our sponsors.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Our couple's therapist was great. She touched on all the
issues I wrote about and tried to get my husband
to see he was being unfair and controlling. While it
was understandable he would have a lot of fear and
pain from his previous marriage, it was cruel to take
out his issues on me because I had never wronged
him and was not his ex wife, So why was
he making me pay for what she did to him.
(32:54):
It basically boiled down to my husband being afraid of
me becoming like his ex and I would favor our
son and hurt his daughter, or love her or not
love her anymore. The therapist touched on the issue of
his kids versus my arkids. She said my husband needed
to keep in mind that it is natural to feel
more connected and attached to biological children as opposed to
(33:15):
step children. She told my husband that while both Lizzie
and our son were his children. This was not the
case for me, and not only was that natural and expected,
it was okay. She asked, Had I not been loving
and kind with Lizzie? Had I not taken care of her?
Did I go out of my way and sacrifice her
for her as would any other parent do? My husband
(33:36):
replied hesitantly but positively to all the questions. So she said,
then there was nothing wrong with my feelings or changing
my mind. As long as I continue to treat Lizzie
with love, respect and kindness, that there wasn't a problem.
She also pointed out that while he might be affronted
because Lizzie is also his biological child, it was not
fair of him to expect I feel the same love
(33:58):
and connection to her as he did. As he did,
that it was in fact impossible because I had not
carried her, gave birth to her, nursed her, and didn't
come into my life until she was already a little girl.
She said. There are many kinds of love, and me
having this special bond with the baby and wanting to
stay home and nest was not only natural. It didn't
mean I had lost any maternal love for Lizzie. That
(34:19):
I wasn't less or wrong or unfair, just different, and
that one of the biggest mistakes biological parents make with
the stepparent is guilting or bullying them about their feelings
towards step children versus biological children and insisting it has
to be the exact same way. Good on this, good
on this therapist, good point gets it.
Speaker 3 (34:40):
Yeah, and it's not one of the red pill. Imagine
they went to a red therapist.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
And they're like, uh D, maybe you should just quit
your domb and be a staidle mom. Did you not
think that?
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Yeah? I don't like that, and.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
Now I'm real tan, She said, while that is also
a natural and protective instinct, that the biological parent actually
ends up being the one causing freetion and tension, making
both stepparents and child feel inferior, and if care isn't taken,
the stepchild can end up being the favored one because
the biological parent tries to make up for a favoritism
(35:12):
they believe exists. This was starting to be my feelings.
She wrapped up by saying parents even tend to have
favorites among biological children, but that the key was to
not act on that or make it obvious and that
was what I was doing, and that it sounds like
I had done a great job so far, and that
we were even ahead of the game because Lizzie was
very excited about the pregnancy and had a very positive
(35:33):
and close relationship with me. My husband tries to argue,
saying me staying home with our son but not her
was blatant favoritism. The therapist countered with many of the
points made in the last post, that I was not
in a place in my career at the time to
work from home. I would have had to quit my
job at the time in order to do so. I
was not in a place in our relationship to be
a stay at home mom. I was not yet married
(35:54):
and didn't feel comfortable giving up all my financial security
without being married. That Lizzie was already ready to be
in preschool, she wasn't an infant, and that most people
wouldn't want to give up a career they love to
stay full to stay home full time to a child
that didn't need full time care, and that they had
no biological connection to. Lizzie wouldn't know the difference because
she was old enough to know I wasn't her mother
(36:16):
and didn't come into the picture until she was just
past the baby toddler stage, and that even small children
can understand babies need more care than preschoolers, especially if
it's explained calmly to them. In short, she said, the
fact that I was more than happy to spend more
time with Lizzie, wanted her to be in the baby's life,
wasn't being territorial or aggressive about the pregnancy, and was
(36:37):
still taking an active role in Lizzie's life was a
very good sign and that we were in fact doing
much better than many step families in our position, except
for the fact that your husband freaking sucks because says
he's so narcissistic he won't even listen to a therapist. Ope,
he should just leave. I mean the fact that he's
still like, well it's it's favorite to zone.
Speaker 3 (37:00):
And the therapist is like, now here's some facts, buddy. No,
why are we not? Why are we against the wife?
This marks my heart me too, Like.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
You're ruining what seems like what seemed like a really
great relationship. Yeah, and family s sh, that's aio man
down the toilet. I'm sorry to say, my husband tried
but just couldn't accept it. We tried going on family outings,
more and therapy, but he backed out, saying he felt
he was being ganged up on and that no one
was on his side. He simply couldn't see why I
(37:32):
should stay home to work with the baby. I asked
point blank if he even wanted the baby, and seemed
shocked and said, of course he did. He just wanted
to make sure his daughter got what was owed to her.
In the end, he refused to compromise, and frankly, I
saw it as being blatantly unfair and cruel to our
son to insist yet to be put in daycare or
(37:52):
given to a nanny or a pair, all in the
name of fairness, despite both his therapist and ours explaining
fairness does not always mean equality. It's like he didn't
want to see how me being a state O mom
would also greatly benefit his daughter. I think my husband
expected me to cave. All it did was make me
lose love and affection for him, especially when he quit therapy.
(38:15):
You know, he's just ruining his relationship. He's not gonna
get his way, He's just gonna lose his partner. She's
gonna be single.
Speaker 3 (38:23):
Crabs and buggeted.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
I warned him. If he did or tried to insist
on having his way, I would be filing for at
the very least legal separation. I think he thought I
was bluffing, because when nothing changed, I went straight to
the attorney's office. He was completely shocked when I had
him served. I have arranged a semi formal custody arrangement.
I will keep the working from home arrangement while staying
(38:46):
with my parents. My husband is not allowed to be
in the birthing room when I go into labor. Yes,
to stay in the waiting room. He can see and
hold our son, but he will have to do it
while I'm there with someone else there. I insisted on
this because I'm frankly very afraid now with my husband
and do not trust him at all. My husband is
consumed with shock and grief. His family is furious with
(39:06):
him and completely supports me, although of course they are
very upset by the whole thing. I have told all
of his family they are more than welcome to come
to the birth and hold the baby. In fact, I
want them there so they can supervise my husband with
the baby so he doesn't do something horrible. I mean,
just the fact that you're even thinking that this relationship, Yeah,
could not work. Like if you are scared that your
husband will do something to the baby, you got it,
(39:28):
You got to get out of there their own son
Mingming says he is selective hearing, meaning he only hears himself.
M A and Miss Jaber says, since my daughter didn't
get it, my son shouldn't.
Speaker 5 (39:39):
Is not a flex it's a big whiny baby.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
Yeah, you're just a baby.
Speaker 5 (39:43):
It's it's another are three kids in this story?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
Yeah, it doesn't. It's that kind of logic doesn't make
any sense.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
Absolutely, it's not logical.
Speaker 2 (39:53):
My husband texts and calls and emails me constantly. He
says he can't believe I'm doing this. Why can't I
listen to him and understand him? Please come back and
be a family again, etc. I have told him he
needs to get back into therapy, and that I need
to be able to trust him with our son, and
that trust will only come when I see a change
in his attitude for guarding our son and my stepdaughter,
(40:14):
and that I need to feel like a wife to
him and not just a mom to Lizzie. I love Lizzie,
I truly do. I cry every day over losing her.
But I didn't marry my husband to be her mom,
although I knew that was part of the package deal.
I did it because I loved my husband and wanted
a life with him. Lizzie calls me often, and I
talked to her. I've seen her a few times since
this fiasco. Her father is not allowed to talk about
(40:36):
her to me because I feel he's being manipulative. But
I don't want to cut Lizzie out cold turkey either.
I love that girl, I truly do, and I've cried
so many tears over her going through this. I tell
Lizzie I love her very much, that none of this
is her fault, and that I'm doing the best I
can to make things work. I tell her I still
want to be in her life and her brother's life,
and that she's the best bonus daughter and sister in
(40:59):
the world. I've heard from my husband's family Lizzie is
not taking her separation well, and it has even screamed
at her dad for making both my mommy's leave.
Speaker 3 (41:10):
No foo this man, Lizzie.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I've been afraid Lizzie would hate me for this, but
in fact, just the opposite has happened. Her grades are failing.
She's depressed, and she cries all the time and has
become very disrespectful to her dad. Why does she have grades?
Didn't she in preschool?
Speaker 3 (41:31):
Do they? They gotta like test these kids all the time.
They got to make sure they're on track, you know,
they got the like academic things. Sure you don't.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
You don't remember that I was in preschool.
Speaker 3 (41:41):
I remember in first grade. Oh, I'm sorry, this is
gonna take a second, but it's gonna pay off. I
remember going into first grade and having to read this
like list of words, and the first two pages that
got right. The third page didn't get as many rights,
and then the fourth page that got some right, and
then that like the tenth page was like really hard words,
didn't get any of those right. That woman was testing
(42:03):
if I was going to pass first grade or not,
and I knew what she was doing and I had
to get him right. And it was kind of crazy,
like I felt the pressure. Like about halfway through, I
was like, wait a minute, wait a minute, because I
remember earlier this kid went into that room, came out
and he was had his hands on his head like
I didn't make it. It didn't do we're good, And
I was like, I was like, what do you mean
(42:26):
you didn't make it? Oh, guess who what isn't in
the second grade next year? That kid you were? But
I was there, you go.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
And people are saying, she's eight now, so that's that's
why bad.
Speaker 3 (42:36):
Oh yeah, she's third grade. That's when I forgot my
first C and I cried.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Same same in my math class because I was really
bad at math until like fifth grade, and then I
got really pretty bad math. Okay, well mental math. Once
we started doing algebra, I killed it. Once I got
a calculator, I was.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
That was a problem.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Yeah, I can't do mental math. I have begged my
husband to please get that girl counseling, and he has,
which has been helping her. The guilt I feel is
overwhelming and crushing. I feel like I've single handedly destroyed
my family. But I know I'm making the right decision
by sticking to what I think is right and insisting
I be treated with love and respect, and then my
husband do the same for both of the kids. I
(43:19):
can't fix him, and if he's unwilling to get help
for his issues, I have no future with him. I
am not willing to go for divorce, yet, hence the
long separation. My husband insists he wants this to work.
I said, I need to see changes in his life,
starting with him getting back into therapy. By the way,
you should get back into listening to full episodes with
stories just like this. Just go to Spotify, Apple Podcasts
(43:41):
or your favorite podcast app and search a pokeas storytime
and there is a teenc bit left. But ope, you
didn't ruin the marriage at all. You literally did zero
to ruin the marriage. Your husband threw a hissy fit
and destroyed his whole life and literally your your therapist,
his therapist, his entire family thinks so too.
Speaker 3 (44:05):
And you know what sucks is while he was giving
that hissy fit, what was he doing. Here's a list
of options to make this work out.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yeah, and he was like.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
No, no, pull it together, dude. Ah, dude. If I
was your best friend, I would strangle you. I'd be like,
what is wh gop? That's what I would do. Key On,
if you pull this crap and you had a beautiful
child and you were doing this to your lovely wife,
I'd be like, ke on, get it together, get it together,
get it together.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Other man, I would.
Speaker 4 (44:34):
I would, Yeah, I would, Honestly I would never but yeah,
if I were doing that, I would.
Speaker 5 (44:38):
I would give you consented.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
To do that.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
My friends, you know, snap me out of.
Speaker 3 (44:42):
This Oh yeah behavior, Oh yeah, I hope.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
But there's a little bit left to the story.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Hey, it's John you og host here. We're gonna get
back to the stories. But he's a quick three minute
break of ass from our sponsors.
Speaker 2 (44:52):
I want to save my marriage, but I've done all
I can and if my husband won't do his part,
there's nothing I can do except move on. Exactly. You've
literally done everything you can possibly do to try and
make this relationship work. I've told my husband if he
has not gotten therapy by the time our son is
a month old, I will be filing for divorce, and
that if he abuses me, hurts me, or even thinks
(45:14):
of dating other people again, I will be filing for divorce.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Ooh, a divorce on me. Definitely is thinking about it.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
He's thinking about it. Thought crime on all. A sad update,
but one that is a type of Catharsis for me.
So I thought I would share thank you to everyone
who has given me such great advice and support. Before
you're all wonderful. Sorry, this was so long and couldn't
be better news. And that is the end of that story.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
Oh my gosh, dude, figure it now.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Literally. Uh.
Speaker 3 (45:43):
Speaking of thought crime, I had a dream crime where
recently someone has wronged one of my closest friends in
a really messed up way, and I had a dream.
Speaker 5 (45:54):
Tell me about it.
Speaker 3 (45:54):
I can't really explain it, but I had a dream
that I was that this person entered my house and
I yelled at him to leave.
Speaker 5 (46:00):
I love that that's your dream.
Speaker 3 (46:02):
Yeah, that was my dream. I was like, I was
like get out, and everyone else was like Riley's just
joking around and I was like no, shut it out.
And I was like so mad and like oh. And
then I went to the shed and Sophia was reading
and I left the story because I think Dakota said something,
(46:22):
so I just left. And then I come back and
Sophia found the video of me sleeping on the couch
and was reading the story and acting like I was
asleep so she could keep the show going. And then
whenever she saw me, she was like surprise, like she
hadn't seen me one hundred years. She just like, where
have you been get back on on the stream. We
gotta go, we gotta we gotta make this happen. Oh
(46:42):
those were my dreams last night.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
But if you love us, make sure to subscribe. We
love you and Sham
Hey, this is Sam. This is a John your og
Okay Storytime podcast host, and we got some great stories
coming up. Before that, we have a quick two minute
break from the sponsors that keep the show a lot.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
I asked to be a stay at home mother for
our newborn. My husband exploded.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I'm gonna be married to no treadwife.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I had afraid no ghosts. Posting from a throway just
in case my husband or any of my family and
friends reads this. I'm going to change a few details
because I'm paranoid, but the story is the same. I
am a saleswoman and I do very well for myself
with my ways. This comes from box fish fan and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
our slash ooka Storytime separate at it so it goes around.
(00:38):
So my husband and I have been married for two
years now and together for five. This is my first
marriage and my husband second. He has an eight year
old daughter from his previous relationship and has always had
full custody of her. Our dating life was tricky, with
him being a full time single dad and having to
work long hours, but we make it work. I met
his daughter when she was four, after we had been
(00:59):
dating for a year. I liked her very much and
have always done my best to be the best step
mommy ever. She calls me mom, and I have done
all the mom things for her. I've helped her get
dressed and ready for school, done her hair, cooked her meals,
helped with homework and soccer practice, taken her for ice
cream dates, tucked her into bed, redder stories, etc. Dany,
(01:19):
so you are you're putting the mom work, man, That.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Is some mom work.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes, but overall, we've
been a very happy family. When my husband and I
got engaged, he asked if I would like to be
a stay at home mom for Lizzie and any future
children we had. At the time, I politely declined. I
was doing well in my career, loved going to work,
and the thought of being home all day with a
kid and doing nothing but housework and typical stay at
(01:44):
home mom things didn't really tickle my fancy. My then
fiance was gracious, and we both assumed that was how
it would be for any future children we had. Fast
forward to now, and I am now six months pregnant
with our son. I am on cloud nine.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
I was or I am.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Always in a permanent state of bliss, and something in
me changed. I started thinking about being a stay at
home mom, and suddenly it didn't seem so bad. I'm
in love with my son and want to spend as
much time with him as I can. I know it's
not all roses and champagne. There's actually actually a lot
of poop, drool, screaming, and exhaustion involved. But I really
(02:22):
can't stand the thought of having two weeks of maternity
leave and then handing my son to a stranger in daycare.
I've been thinking about this for months because I wanted
to make sure this was something I really wanted and
not wishful thinking. I weighed the pros and cons and
spoke to my supervisor. I'm at the point in my
career where I could work from home full time and
(02:43):
stay with my son and pick my stepdaughter up from school.
I certainly wouldn't mind watching her and doing more things
with her too. The more I think about it, the
more I want to try this, So pausing really quick
before we get into more of it. Olpi doesn't seem
like she's even saying that she wants to quit her job.
She just wants to work from home. So like, I
don't know what the issue here would be.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I don't know neither. Maybe something's not working out, maybe
communication isn't happening. Maybe there's a resentment in the air.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
The husband getting jealous that opca to be spending more
time with their kid.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I don't know, but he asked her to do this originally.
I don't know. Yeah, Oh Mingming says, husband's jealous because
she doesn't want to be stay at home mom for
the stepdaughter, but wants to be a stay home mom
now she's pregnant.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
That is a good good oh Leiria, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
So after I put little Lizzie to bed tonight, I
asked my husband if we could talk and excitedly broached
my idea. I was very unprepared for his reaction. My
husband is furious. He yelled that we had agreed I
wouldn't be a stay at home mom before we got married,
and it was bs I was changing my mind now, Mingming,
you were right on the dot. He said, I was
(03:55):
a rotten stepmother and I clearly loved our son more
than Lizzie, and it was disgusting the obvious favoritism. I
was showing him's Louise.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
He also, yeah, low key, dude, you gotta you gotta
see it from her perspective. She hasn't really been a
mom before. Now she is now an act like you know, Yeah,
she's going through that swing of things, so you gotta
you gotta see it from her side. You're married. Why
are we against each other? This should be a problem.
You guys are both against like you can say your problems,
but what's where does this coming from?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
It's it's like a non problem because also she would
be taking care of your daughter as well, So what's
the issue here?
Speaker 3 (04:33):
It just takes people time to realize what they like
and people change, right.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
She's allowed to change her mind again. She's the only
thing that she's changing is that she's working from home now,
or she would want to work from home. He also
said I shouldn't be allowed to stay at home with
our son if his daughter didn't get to experience it
with me. For the record, Lizzie is very excited about
her little brother and can't wait for him to be born.
She's never expressed any kind of anxiety, sadness, or jealousy
(04:58):
towards him or me. I I was shocked and stunned.
My husband is on the couch his choice, and I'm
here crying in our room. I'm so very hurt by
what my husband said. I know I'm not perfect, but
I really have done the best for Lizzie that I could.
I never thought I changed my mind about being a
stay at home mom when I got pregnant, but now
I really truly want to do this. And I wouldn't
(05:20):
have quit my job either, which is a double bonus.
Or I wouldn't have to quit my job either, which
is a double bonus. I am very hurt by what
my husband said, and frankly a little angry at his accusation.
I do not love the baby more than Lizzie. I
do love Lizzie, and while I admit I feel a
deeper connection to this baby, I feel that is due
to the fact that I'm going through the experience of
(05:40):
pregnancy and it's really hitting home for me. This baby
is half me. But that doesn't mean I love Lizzie
any less. It's just different.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Is that really so wrong? Am I really a bad stepmom?
I didn't plan on changing my mind, and again, I
still plan to keep my job, and I don't mind
taking extra care of Lizzie in addition to the baby.
In fact, I think it my be a chance for
us to grow closer and bond over the baby real quick.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
If you are a step mom right now, can you
give us some frameworks or some lenses to look through
on the situation, to kind of gather the differences of
becoming an actual like like, you know, being a mom
with your own child versus being a mom of a
step kid, and like, what to look through here? I
would like to see that insight, Justine says. Plus, she
(06:26):
hasn't been able to work from home back then, but
is now exactly it was a new thing.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
She would have had to quit her job and become
like a full time mom, which is fine, but like
it's not something that she wanted to do.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Dude, I can't wait till I can be a work
at home streamer dad with my kids too.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Honestly, I'm actually really excited for that.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Dude. Low key, we could just keep doing this. Our
kids will be doing whatever.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
They'll be like, they'll be coloring on the floor and
we're like, and we don't bring him on camera.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
And we'll teach them how to read camera. Come on,
stop I'm doing that, and you're like, he's op to ajole.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
They can only read off camera.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
They were cool little masks.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, they'll wear a mask every time they're on camera.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
No, we can get we can get Keon Keanu babysit them. Honestly,
ke On baby system, dude, you'd be a.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
Great baby So I'm actually a really good babysitter.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I called it.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
We'll just take turns. I don't know what to say
to my husband. I tried telling him all the things
I've said here, including spending more time and growing closer
to Lizzie, but all he did was yell louder and
say more awful things about my parenting. I'm pretty crushed
and honestly growing more angry by the minute. I feel
that I am a good step mom to Lizzie and
she seems to think so too. The only one who
(07:39):
seems to have a problem is my husband. And there
is an update, but like huge yeah, as miss jay
Bird says, huge red lag. What's wrong with the husband
not being able to communicate in a mature, calm manner.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
Yeah? Could you?
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Onion says, see if she was fully rejecting her and
not doing what she said she was I'd get it,
but that's not the case. Okay, and that Brittany, I
see you, Lynn says, approach it it. Approach it as husband.
My job is going to let me work from home
once we have the baby, and I'm going to keep
the baby and stopped at our home conversation over different framework.
(08:16):
But still he's not.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Pretty much the same as what she's already been saying.
And he's not even listening to her. The fact is,
it's not that he's saying, no, I don't want to
do that, that doesn't work out. He's screaming at her crazy.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Yeah that I don't like that part. Scholl says. My
stepsons were treated as my own children. They introduced me
as mom. It took some adjustment, but I love them
all more than life. Yeah, it is really weird that
he's not able to communicate correctly.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
I feel like there's something else that's going on here
that he's Yeah, Meming says conspiracy. He's cheating, isn't he?
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:53):
I feel like there's I don't know if it's cheating,
but I feel like there is something that is bothering him.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Dude. The mom, the mom, the mom, the mom. Yes,
his mother in law has been.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Like, oh, this spring in his ear.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Been worm tongue in your dad's e or the husband's
ear this whole time. And that's why he feels this
way towards you, because all this resentment is built up
and now boom, he's gonna hit you with it like
a brick loaded full of trucks.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
True, an awkward cosplay chick, how old is a stepdaughter?
I think she was for. I don't know if she's
still for. She was for.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
Sorry, I'm sorry, but you just saying worm tongue in
I got a tongue in your dad's ear was kind
of insane. I know, I know you, I know what
we're talking about here, but like, making that a verb
is crazy work, dude.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Sometimes you gotta make nouns verbs.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
It's true. Thank you for all the kind and supportive
messages on the last post. It was really helpful, as
well as some of the possible suggestions as to why
my husband suddenly blew up at me. I did get
some nasty messages from what sounded like bitter single dads,
which only further convinced me my husband was being an
absolute rational clown. To address some of the questions that
(10:02):
were asked in the last post. At the time my
husband asked me to be at stay at home mom,
we were not married, nor was I at a place
in my career where I could have worked from home.
I would have had to quit my job, which I
did not want to do, to be a parent to
a child that wasn't mine to a man I wasn't
married to, but would have full financial dependence on. So
that was a huge no go for me. But even
(10:23):
after we were married, it took a while to still
get to a place where I wouldn't have to quit
my job to be a stay at home parent. To
those who were saying I couldn't expect to work full
time from home and take care of an infant in
grammar school girl, you're right. Maybe I worded it wrong
or just didn't go into full details in my post,
But while I would be working from home and I
(10:44):
can do it without having to quit, I would be
working part time instead of full time. Ah, my supervisor
is one hundred percent fine with this. So basically I
would have two weeks maternity leave and then I would
be working from home part time. Two weeks maternity leave
is crazy.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
To me, dude, she's got sales to make.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
That is crazy.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
She's a business woman.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
She's a busy businesswoman.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Low key. Depending on how your payment is structured, you
could get eight months of attorney to leave if you
work the system, that's true. And if she's in sales
and she meets with people, yeah, maybe that helps her.
She's like, oh, I just have my baby, and they're
like more implied by oh.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
We want to we want to spend money on this now.
Uh wow, I will take a cut in my pay.
My company is great and is letting me keep full
benefits despite part time hours. That's amazing. I know my
husband isn't worried about finances because even if I quit,
he makes more than enough to be comfortably to comfortably
support us. I just love working too much to completely quit,
(11:43):
but my son is definitely a priority for me. Lizzie's
mom is in the picture, but just barely. She has
borderline personality disorder, drinks like a fish, and is just
basically an irresponsible party animal. She sees Lizzie maybe one
week and a month if she isn't too hungover or
baked to make an effort. The only nice thing I
can say about her is that at least she makes
child support payments on time, minuscule as they are. Lizzie
(12:07):
doesn't like her very much and has made it clear
she prefers me to her mother. I can't say I
blame her, poor dear. So I went to bed that
night very angry after my crying Jack what Because I
love Lizzie and I've been a great mom to her.
The next couple of days were very quiet. It was
distant but polite to my husband, and still warm and
cuddly with Lizzie. I didn't really want anything to do
(12:28):
with him. My husband started picking on everything I did
for Lizzie around the house and started saying more things
like why are you bothering? And that's not how this
should be done? And I'll bit that makes you feel
just great? Who is this man?
Speaker 4 (12:41):
Bro?
Speaker 2 (12:42):
You gotta why is your partner being rude?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
You gotta view this as a partnership, not a You're
not it's not a competition. You haven't been slided, You're
not been betrayed. Nope, we gotta go to therapy asap
right now. Ape.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I had had enough. After I put Lizzie to bed,
I told my husband I was sick of his nasty
attitude and he was setting a toxic environment for his daughter,
and that if he had something to say, he should
say it. He started to yell and scream again, but
I put my foot down this time. I said, I
want to work through whatever problems we have and get
this issue resolved because I love you and care about you,
(13:19):
but I will not take toxic, abusive behavior. I will
not talk to you until you are ready to be
respectful and kind. Good on you, Opie, Good on you
setting your boundaries and not allowing him to freakin talk
to you like that. Yeah, and to yell at you.
He's a baby, He's a literal toddler. My husband lost
(13:40):
it even more and screamed, I'm sleeping on the couch,
So I said, excuse me, Or oh, maybe scream that
he wants ope to sleep on the couch. So I said,
excuse me. I am heavily pregnant with your son, and
every part of me hurts. I need access to the bathroom.
When I wake up at night, I will be sleeping
in the bed. You can either join me if you
(14:00):
can be quiet, or you can sleep out here. He
seemed kind of taken aback, and I just left and
went to bed. I guess he slept on the couch.
The next day, after Lizzie went to bed, I said
that I think we need to set up an appointment
with a marriage counselor good. Oh, he's the only one
who is acting like an adult here, like literally has
done nothing wrong. I brought up literally brought up working
(14:23):
from home, and that's it.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
I don't know why. This is a very big reaction,
huge reaction.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
It doesn't make sense. Something is afoot. My husband said,
I'm the only one with a problem, so he won't go.
I asked him to please tell me what was bothering
him then so we could work through it. In a nutshell,
he is pissed. I didn't want to quit my job
and be a stay at home mom for Lizzie, but
I do for our son, so therefore I love our
son more and that makes me a terrible person. This
(14:51):
man is making a lot, a lot, a lot a
lot of just assumptions and he needs to stop.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
I explained, like I had before, I didn't want to
quit my job and be dependent on a man I
wasn't married to. He got very defensive and said It's
clear I never trusted him then, and that makes me
a bad wife and mother. I asked, why didn't he
quit his job then and be a stay at home dad.
He blustered a bit, then responded, he makes more true
and children need a mom during the early years more
(15:21):
than a dad. That's what you're dumb. It feels like
he just wants op to be like a full like
doesn't want her to have a job and wants her
to be a full stay at home mom, and like
want and wants to have this level of control, and
he's just kind of kept it in until now. Dude,
if he's yelling.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
If my wife was in sales and then she was like,
I'm gonna stay at home and take care of the kids,
still gonna make money, I'm gonna be like, dude, we
could use that money for trips. We can use this
money for X y Z. Since already make enough to
provide for everything, we can invest this, dude. We can
get a we can get lake house pretty soon in
eight years if we invest this, right. Why me not
(15:59):
thinking like that, dude.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Just think, just think, honestly. He also said that since
Lizzie never had the experience of a stay at home mom,
and then our son shouldn't have the favoritism of getting
it either, because it wasn't fair to Lizzie. She will
though she literally is going to have the experience of
a stay at home mom. Yeah, she's still a child, yep.
I said it was ridiculous to punish me and her
(16:21):
son for being unable to travel back in time and
to change the uterus Lizzie was conceived in. I also
said infants need a lot more care than pre ca keds.
That opened a whole leather can of worms with my
husband resenting me for not quitting work and being a
full time stay at home mom, and that if I'm
going to do something, I should do it fully engaged.
There it is he wants you to fully quit your
(16:43):
job because he wants a level of control over you
that he doesn't have right now.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Seems like a trap.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Yeah, and he's upset that you're trying to make decisions
for yourself that are good for you. Uh. And uh,
he's trying to assert dominance, dude.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
I remember reading a story about this couple that didn't
get married. Her boyfriend girlfriend for a very long time,
had four kids. Her husband one day was like, you're out,
she canna do a thing?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Oh I remember that one.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Yeah, yeah, she canna do a single thing. Yeah, it's
the territory go.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I mean, being a stay at home mom is like
a great you know, it's a great thing to do. Uh,
And it is one path in life for people, or
a stay at home parent in general. But if you like,
you have to be on the same page with your
partner so like so much because you don't have a
job and you were ring on your partner for support,
(17:33):
and so you have to make sure that that is
a good partner you know that you picked. He then
went on and on about how I'm breaking our agreement
for me to not be a stay at home parent
and how that makes me unstable. I pointed out, I
have a right to change my mind. She's allowed to
change her mind, and I won't give my baby to
a stranger to raise while fretting about him all day
at the office. I said, I was very willing to
(17:55):
do more things with Lizzie, like taking her to the
zoo and museums with the baby, get involved at pet
at her school, and go to her sporting events so
me and her brother can watch her while she practices.
I said, this is healthy for all the children, and
he had a warped view of justice and fairness by
depriving our children of a healthy environment because Lizzie's mom
(18:15):
was an unfit parent. I said his guilt won't go
away by taking opportunities away from our kids, and that
I was willing to work out whatever issues there were
and to go to a counselor and speak to a
child psychologist and other professionals that could give him an
unbiased professional opinion. No, he became violently angry again and
(18:35):
said I was going back to work two weeks after
the birth, and that was the end of the discussion.
That I had had my chance to be a stay
at home mom, and since I didn't take it for
Lizzie when I could, I wasn't allowed to do it
now since he wouldn't let me. And the wouldn't let
me is a big old red flag, big glaring red
(18:56):
flag that you need to look at and be like,
oh wow, this man is trying to literally control me.
This is not a relationship that is going to work. Yeah,
either you go to marriage counseling or you have to
leave this relationship.
Speaker 5 (19:10):
Because I'm so tunnel vision on so touttle visions. Oh,
it's gross, awkward.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Causby Chick says, he sounds like he will only get
worse from here. He will then try to control your spending,
who you talk to, hang out with, et cetera. Frank
the Pug says, is this even considered changing her mind?
They're having another child. It's changing the situation, which requires
a new look and new decisions to be made. Exactly
now they have two children. It's just a different situation now.
(19:38):
As much as I love my husband and our children,
I will not be controlled. I will not be told
where I can and can't work. I will not be
told if I can or can't work. I am not
a dog. I am not a slave. I will not
be told to deny my own baby as mother and
hand him to a stranger because his sister got a
bad start in life. Purposely neglecting your own child opportunities
(19:59):
in the name of fairness is insane. That is being
a bad parent. The fact that my husband wanted to
do this to me and my son flipped a switch
in me. I stood up calmly and told my husband
I was leaving, that he had crossed the line and
I needed space from him, and that I would not
subject any child of mine to this kind of abuse
of controlling environment. I said, when things calm down, we
(20:21):
can go to marriage counseling because he clearly has deep
seated issues that need to be worked out. He became
hysterical and said I can't leave, that we have a family,
that I can't take his son, etc. Etc. I was
just done by that point. I said that for once,
he will take Lizzie to school and I will leave.
During that time, I went to our room and started packing.
(20:43):
He started throwing my clothes out of the suitcase and
screaming at me. I was honestly pretty terrified. I had
never seen my husband like this. I told him if
he tries to prevent me from going or touches me
in any way, I would be calling the police. I
also said I was calling my mother to get me.
Maybe it was an overreaction, but I was scared, senseless,
(21:04):
and I just wanted to get myself and my son
away from it. He started crying really hard, just sobbing,
and walked away. I called my mother and said she
did she needed to come and get me immediately, and
that I didn't feel safe and I needed to stay
with her for a bit really quick, pausing, Wow, I'm
so scared for Lizzie because like, presumably she's still in
(21:25):
this house hearing all of this screaming, and it doesn't
seem like it seems like every time she goes to
bed or like she's just in the other room, he's
just starts screaming, which she can obviously hear.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Was there. It doesn't sound like there's been a history
of this. This just all of a sudden happened.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Now, that is my question. I wonder, Oh, he hasn't
really said whether or not this has been his style
of kind of arguments or arguing. So I am wondering
if this is just out of the blue.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
I remember watching in a podcast if we watching this?
One guy recently he had a divorce attorney come on
and one of the big questions before people get married
that he was like, you should figure out how do
you like to fight, and like, whenever you have a disagreement,
do you need space to figure out your thoughts before
you come back? Do you want to talk it out
right now? Do we go to sleep mad? Do we
(22:15):
not go to sleep mad? What does that look like
that may help you. I'm just don't I just can't
get a vibe on this guy. This guy just is
all over the place having a breakdown.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Something. Something's got to be going on, having a breakdown.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
Yeah, I don't know if that's even it. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Dutchess Cassanda says she did say she'd never seen her
husband act this way, okay, and Persa Grieba says, if
you're scared it's over, your partner should never make you
feel unsafe. Absolutely, I agreed. I quickly packed what I needed,
and my mom came and got me. I've been with
her for about five days now, and I feel just numb.
I can't believe how fast this all happened, and how
(22:54):
my family and marriage got turned upside down in just
a few days. I wish I had never brought up
being a stay at home parent. If I had, this
never would have happened. Oh, Pie, you need to know.
If this specific scenario hadn't happen, it would have been
something else. Yeah, this man, if this is how he's
reacting to a question to a to you guys trying
(23:16):
to figure out how you're going to parent your kids,
and this is how he's reacting. He would have found
something else to blow up over.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
My husband and I were no contact for a couple
of days, and then he started texting and calling on
day three, saying, Lizzie's been crying for me and misses me.
I've ascertained that Lizzie is safe. I know my husband
would never mistreat her, but I spoke to her yesterday anyways,
and made sure she's being fed, going to school, and
doing her homework. She was crying and asking me when
I'd come back, and I didn't know what to say
(23:44):
to that, so I said I didn't know, but that
I love her very much. I told my husband to
stop using Lizzie as a pond to manipulate me into
coming back, because it won't work. He actually said, I'm
proving I'm a terrible step parent by not coming back
and being there for her. Man has not learned anything
in the five days. I said that if I'm so terrible,
you shouldn't want me back then and do not speak
(24:05):
to me again until he is ready to go to
counseling and leave Lizzie out of our problems. I said.
If Lizzie is mentioned in any text or email, I
will delete it without reading the rest of it. I
set any phone call where he tries to bring her
up outside of the context of her being safe and
taken care of, I will immediately hang up. I said,
I do not want to talk to him right now,
and he should figure out what he wants because I
(24:28):
am ready to file for divorce if he doesn't pull
it together soon.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
I thought they were married there, although she said she
wasn't married.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
No, she's married, she said. Oh. Earlier, she said that
he had originally asked her to become a stay at
howned parent and quit her job when they first started dating,
got it, or maybe not first started dating, but like
we had gotten serious but weren't married, and she was
saying that she didn't want to get She didn't want
to do that because she didn't have the security of
being married him.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
God, So I just now when I mentioned about the
boyfriend and girlfriend, yeah, I thought they weren't. The reason
I brought that up is because I thought they weren't married.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Oh no, they're married. Well, I'm glad that it was
relevant to her first point.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
So yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
He's been silent since except for one text I got
today saying he wants me back and misses me this man,
stop stop, You're.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Exhausting these mind games.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I really don't know where to go from here. I'm
still trying to process all of it, although writing it
down here helps. I just can't believe my husband did
all this, and I'm wondering if he just had a
psychotic break, that's what it sounds like. I'm wondering what
Fred flaggs I've missed all this time, and why I
was stupid enough to marry and have a family with
this guy, and how could I've been so blind. I
(25:44):
want to divorce him, but I'm not ready to head
for the divorce court yet. I want some space and
time to process it all and see if my husband
shows signs of wanting to go to counseling or trying
to repair the damage done, if this was just a
one time thing, or if this is who he really is.
I feel terrible for Lizzie, but I can't put myself
or my son in jeopardy by moving back out of guilt.
(26:06):
I'm being selfish right now and saying that my son
and I are priorities. Right now, I have to do
what's best for my son. And there is a second.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
You go, girl, you're you do, You're doing it.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
You were in an unsafe situation where your husband was
screaming and yelling at you, yeah, and just not listening
at all, and it still seems like he is not
capable of listening to you or understanding what needs to
be done. And so right now, it's just it's the best.
You know, the best thing for you is to stay
with your mom, stay with a safe person with your
child until you're able to have an actual conversation with him.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
And maybe that is never goodness, gracious, dode, go get
your brain scanned. What I Yeah, I don't really have
anything else to say. I'm just more worried about her
after divorce. Could she get could she go back to
full time with her sales job and be okay, get
child support? All these kind of things.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
I mean, I think I'm sure Like it seems like
her work would be fine with her going back to
full time. Of course, it would be tricky because she's
you know, having to take care of the kid and stuff.
But yeah, we'll see. But there is a second update, truthfully,
Oh whoa I do? Oh Sarah Montrass's if it's a
medical concern, he definitely needs help. But I've dealt with
(27:21):
too many narcissists and they can hide their true selves
for a very long time. Could go either way, but
medical testing couldn't hurt oh man. But let's get into
this update. Hi everyone, I know it's been a long time,
but I just wanted to give a brief update while
I still have time. I put small whales to shame
with my current size, and my baby is ready to
(27:43):
burst out of me in just a few weeks, although
he technically could come any day now. So after my
last post, my husband's brother and best friend went over
there to figure out what the heck was going on.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Okay, all right, more answers.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Finally, my boss was gracious and let me start maternity
leave early, saying to take my time and figure out
what I'm going to do, and my job is ready
for me when I come back, so they are taking
really good care of me. I also got a personal therapist,
because obvious reasons are obvious. I was a numbshell for
a while, and one day I just broke and started
crying and crying and crying and could not stop for
(28:17):
the life of me. I don't think I've cried that
hard ever in my life. My therapist has been a
great part of my support system and guiding me through
my issues and supporting my decisions. So, as I said,
my husband's brother and friend went over there to talk
to him, and they told me that he told them
he was pissed off I was breaking our previous agreement
(28:37):
and that he couldn't help but feel I didn't love
Lizzie or that I loved our son more, and that
maybe he made a mistake marrying me because now I
was picking sides and being unstable, and that I had
left when he told me to treat the children fairly
because he didn't think our son should get a stay
at O mom because Lizzie didn't.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
WHOA, my dude, that is some reach in here.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Wow, he is just totally manipulating or just like lying
about the situation.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
I know, OPI He's gonna find more red flags of
what happened in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Oh yeah,
and they completely ripped into him. His best friend, Craig
asked him what the f was he on to come
to such a ridiculous conclusion, he pointed out all I
had ever done for Lizzie and that me being a
part time working, stay at o mom would benefit her
too because I would be able to do more things
with her and spend more time with her, and also
(29:31):
that he was a moron and I was smart and
clearly not after his money, because I could have been
a stay at home mom just for her and let
him be the sole financial provider, but I didn't. His brother, Daniel,
was even more blunt. Daniel called my husband an ale
and douchebag and said point blank he didn't deserve me.
He said, my husband was being a controlling knucklehead and
(29:51):
punishing me for his witch of an ex wife he
shouldn't have married and reproduced with in the first place.
You're I mean, at least you know he's got some
people in his life. I'm telling him, telling him things straight.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
That's that's nice. That's nice.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Apparently there is a lot of family anger on my
husband's side for him marrying and having a kid with
his ex wife, and I won't go into it anyway.
Daniel said, I was the best thing to ever happen
to him, my husband and Lizzie, and he was ruining
it with his own two hands, and he better manned
the f up and get over his ex and start
treating me better and appreciating me more, and that he
(30:26):
was being a crap parent to Lizzie and our son
by thinking that forcing me to return to work was
okay because that made it fair, and that I was
a far better mother to Lizzie than his ex ever was.
And I did a dang good job of showing my
love for I wrote that my husband started texting me
in my last post, and then he started blowing up
my phone begging me to come back, that he couldn't function,
(30:48):
et cetera. He also broke my rule and said Lizzie
wasn't doing well without me, which really angered me and
broke my heart because I loved that little girl. But
it felt so manipulative.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Yeah, yeah, I see he's weaponizing.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
He's using Lizzie to uh to, you know, get you
to do what he wants. She misses you, she wants
you to come back. Yeah. I feel like I look,
I look more pale now, ISN'TM I crazy? I basically
told my husband, if he continues to use Lizzie as
a reason, I should come back. I would be filing
for divorce because I would not be with someone who
(31:23):
uses a child as a manipulative tool, and that I
didn't want to be a replacement mom for Lizzie. I
wanted to be his wife and have a family with
him that included Lizzie. I said, get a therapist and
into couples counseling with me, or he would be getting
divorce papers because I will not have my son in
a toxic, controlling environment. Good on you. My husband agreed
(31:43):
to both, saying he couldn't live without me and he
knew he needed help. I just still don't trust this.
Speaker 3 (31:48):
Friends. You guys gotta, like I don't know, band together
and track this man of therapy or something. Yeah that,
but he's gonna go. I want this to work out
in the aspect that they have a kid, grabbing a
kid together, having a kid together, OHPI solid, Lizzie has
a good mom influencing her life. I just want this
(32:09):
man to fix whatever's going on in his head so
that he can like make this happen. Yeah, like I agree.
I do think it could still work out, but this
behavior has got to get out, has got to go.
You gotta get to the root of it as fast
as you possibly can, my dude, and get rid of it.
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta weed eat that thing.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Please.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Hey, it's Sam, your og host.
Speaker 3 (32:30):
Here.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
We're gonna get back to the stories, but here's three
minutes of ads from our sponsors.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
Our couple's therapist was great. She touched on all the
issues I wrote about and tried to get my husband
to see he was being unfair and controlling. While it
was understandable he would have a lot of fear and
pain from his previous marriage, it was cruel to take
out his issues on me because I had never wronged
him and was not his ex wife, So why was
he making me pay for what she did to him.
(32:54):
It basically boiled down to my husband being afraid of
me becoming like his ex and I would favor our
son and hurt his daughter, or love her or not
love her anymore. The therapist touched on the issue of
his kids versus my arkids. She said my husband needed
to keep in mind that it is natural to feel
more connected and attached to biological children as opposed to
(33:15):
step children. She told my husband that while both Lizzie
and our son were his children. This was not the
case for me, and not only was that natural and expected,
it was okay. She asked, Had I not been loving
and kind with Lizzie? Had I not taken care of her?
Did I go out of my way and sacrifice her
for her as would any other parent do? My husband
(33:36):
replied hesitantly but positively to all the questions. So she said,
then there was nothing wrong with my feelings or changing
my mind. As long as I continue to treat Lizzie
with love, respect and kindness, that there wasn't a problem.
She also pointed out that while he might be affronted
because Lizzie is also his biological child, it was not
fair of him to expect I feel the same love
(33:58):
and connection to her as he did. As he did,
that it was in fact impossible because I had not
carried her, gave birth to her, nursed her, and didn't
come into my life until she was already a little girl.
She said. There are many kinds of love, and me
having this special bond with the baby and wanting to
stay home and nest was not only natural. It didn't
mean I had lost any maternal love for Lizzie. That
(34:19):
I wasn't less or wrong or unfair, just different, and
that one of the biggest mistakes biological parents make with
the stepparent is guilting or bullying them about their feelings
towards step children versus biological children and insisting it has
to be the exact same way. Good on this, good
on this therapist, good point gets it.
Speaker 3 (34:40):
Yeah, and it's not one of the red pill. Imagine
they went to a red therapist.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
And they're like, uh D, maybe you should just quit
your domb and be a staidle mom. Did you not
think that?
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Yeah? I don't like that, and.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
Now I'm real tan, She said, while that is also
a natural and protective instinct, that the biological parent actually
ends up being the one causing freetion and tension, making
both stepparents and child feel inferior, and if care isn't taken,
the stepchild can end up being the favored one because
the biological parent tries to make up for a favoritism
(35:12):
they believe exists. This was starting to be my feelings.
She wrapped up by saying parents even tend to have
favorites among biological children, but that the key was to
not act on that or make it obvious and that
was what I was doing, and that it sounds like
I had done a great job so far, and that
we were even ahead of the game because Lizzie was
very excited about the pregnancy and had a very positive
(35:33):
and close relationship with me. My husband tries to argue,
saying me staying home with our son but not her
was blatant favoritism. The therapist countered with many of the
points made in the last post, that I was not
in a place in my career at the time to
work from home. I would have had to quit my
job at the time in order to do so. I
was not in a place in our relationship to be
a stay at home mom. I was not yet married
(35:54):
and didn't feel comfortable giving up all my financial security
without being married. That Lizzie was already ready to be
in preschool, she wasn't an infant, and that most people
wouldn't want to give up a career they love to
stay full to stay home full time to a child
that didn't need full time care, and that they had
no biological connection to. Lizzie wouldn't know the difference because
she was old enough to know I wasn't her mother
(36:16):
and didn't come into the picture until she was just
past the baby toddler stage, and that even small children
can understand babies need more care than preschoolers, especially if
it's explained calmly to them. In short, she said, the
fact that I was more than happy to spend more
time with Lizzie, wanted her to be in the baby's life,
wasn't being territorial or aggressive about the pregnancy, and was
(36:37):
still taking an active role in Lizzie's life was a
very good sign and that we were in fact doing
much better than many step families in our position, except
for the fact that your husband freaking sucks because says
he's so narcissistic he won't even listen to a therapist. Ope,
he should just leave. I mean the fact that he's
still like, well it's it's favorite to zone.
Speaker 3 (37:00):
And the therapist is like, now here's some facts, buddy. No,
why are we not? Why are we against the wife?
This marks my heart me too, Like.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
You're ruining what seems like what seemed like a really
great relationship. Yeah, and family s sh, that's aio man
down the toilet. I'm sorry to say, my husband tried
but just couldn't accept it. We tried going on family outings,
more and therapy, but he backed out, saying he felt
he was being ganged up on and that no one
was on his side. He simply couldn't see why I
(37:32):
should stay home to work with the baby. I asked
point blank if he even wanted the baby, and seemed
shocked and said, of course he did. He just wanted
to make sure his daughter got what was owed to her.
In the end, he refused to compromise, and frankly, I
saw it as being blatantly unfair and cruel to our
son to insist yet to be put in daycare or
(37:52):
given to a nanny or a pair, all in the
name of fairness, despite both his therapist and ours explaining
fairness does not always mean equality. It's like he didn't
want to see how me being a state O mom
would also greatly benefit his daughter. I think my husband
expected me to cave. All it did was make me
lose love and affection for him, especially when he quit therapy.
(38:15):
You know, he's just ruining his relationship. He's not gonna
get his way, He's just gonna lose his partner. She's
gonna be single.
Speaker 3 (38:23):
Crabs and buggeted.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
I warned him. If he did or tried to insist
on having his way, I would be filing for at
the very least legal separation. I think he thought I
was bluffing, because when nothing changed, I went straight to
the attorney's office. He was completely shocked when I had
him served. I have arranged a semi formal custody arrangement.
I will keep the working from home arrangement while staying
(38:46):
with my parents. My husband is not allowed to be
in the birthing room when I go into labor. Yes,
to stay in the waiting room. He can see and
hold our son, but he will have to do it
while I'm there with someone else there. I insisted on
this because I'm frankly very afraid now with my husband
and do not trust him at all. My husband is
consumed with shock and grief. His family is furious with
(39:06):
him and completely supports me, although of course they are
very upset by the whole thing. I have told all
of his family they are more than welcome to come
to the birth and hold the baby. In fact, I
want them there so they can supervise my husband with
the baby so he doesn't do something horrible. I mean,
just the fact that you're even thinking that this relationship, Yeah,
could not work. Like if you are scared that your
husband will do something to the baby, you got it,
(39:28):
You got to get out of there their own son
Mingming says he is selective hearing, meaning he only hears himself.
M A and Miss Jaber says, since my daughter didn't
get it, my son shouldn't.
Speaker 5 (39:39):
Is not a flex it's a big whiny baby.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
Yeah, you're just a baby.
Speaker 5 (39:43):
It's it's another are three kids in this story?
Speaker 2 (39:47):
Yeah, it doesn't. It's that kind of logic doesn't make
any sense.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
Absolutely, it's not logical.
Speaker 2 (39:53):
My husband texts and calls and emails me constantly. He
says he can't believe I'm doing this. Why can't I
listen to him and understand him? Please come back and
be a family again, etc. I have told him he
needs to get back into therapy, and that I need
to be able to trust him with our son, and
that trust will only come when I see a change
in his attitude for guarding our son and my stepdaughter,
(40:14):
and that I need to feel like a wife to
him and not just a mom to Lizzie. I love Lizzie,
I truly do. I cry every day over losing her.
But I didn't marry my husband to be her mom,
although I knew that was part of the package deal.
I did it because I loved my husband and wanted
a life with him. Lizzie calls me often, and I
talked to her. I've seen her a few times since
this fiasco. Her father is not allowed to talk about
(40:36):
her to me because I feel he's being manipulative. But
I don't want to cut Lizzie out cold turkey either.
I love that girl, I truly do, and I've cried
so many tears over her going through this. I tell
Lizzie I love her very much, that none of this
is her fault, and that I'm doing the best I
can to make things work. I tell her I still
want to be in her life and her brother's life,
and that she's the best bonus daughter and sister in
(40:59):
the world. I've heard from my husband's family Lizzie is
not taking her separation well, and it has even screamed
at her dad for making both my mommy's leave.
Speaker 3 (41:10):
No foo this man, Lizzie.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
I've been afraid Lizzie would hate me for this, but
in fact, just the opposite has happened. Her grades are failing.
She's depressed, and she cries all the time and has
become very disrespectful to her dad. Why does she have grades?
Didn't she in preschool?
Speaker 3 (41:31):
Do they? They gotta like test these kids all the time.
They got to make sure they're on track, you know,
they got the like academic things. Sure you don't.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
You don't remember that I was in preschool.
Speaker 3 (41:41):
I remember in first grade. Oh, I'm sorry, this is
gonna take a second, but it's gonna pay off. I
remember going into first grade and having to read this
like list of words, and the first two pages that
got right. The third page didn't get as many rights,
and then the fourth page that got some right, and
then that like the tenth page was like really hard words,
didn't get any of those right. That woman was testing
(42:03):
if I was going to pass first grade or not,
and I knew what she was doing and I had
to get him right. And it was kind of crazy,
like I felt the pressure. Like about halfway through, I
was like, wait a minute, wait a minute, because I
remember earlier this kid went into that room, came out
and he was had his hands on his head like
I didn't make it. It didn't do we're good, And
I was like, I was like, what do you mean
(42:26):
you didn't make it? Oh, guess who what isn't in
the second grade next year? That kid you were? But
I was there, you go.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
And people are saying, she's eight now, so that's that's
why bad.
Speaker 3 (42:36):
Oh yeah, she's third grade. That's when I forgot my
first C and I cried.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Same same in my math class because I was really
bad at math until like fifth grade, and then I
got really pretty bad math. Okay, well mental math. Once
we started doing algebra, I killed it. Once I got
a calculator, I was.
Speaker 3 (42:56):
That was a problem.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Yeah, I can't do mental math. I have begged my
husband to please get that girl counseling, and he has,
which has been helping her. The guilt I feel is
overwhelming and crushing. I feel like I've single handedly destroyed
my family. But I know I'm making the right decision
by sticking to what I think is right and insisting
I be treated with love and respect, and then my
husband do the same for both of the kids. I
(43:19):
can't fix him, and if he's unwilling to get help
for his issues, I have no future with him. I
am not willing to go for divorce, yet, hence the
long separation. My husband insists he wants this to work.
I said, I need to see changes in his life,
starting with him getting back into therapy. By the way,
you should get back into listening to full episodes with
stories just like this. Just go to Spotify, Apple Podcasts
(43:41):
or your favorite podcast app and search a pokeas storytime
and there is a teenc bit left. But ope, you
didn't ruin the marriage at all. You literally did zero
to ruin the marriage. Your husband threw a hissy fit
and destroyed his whole life and literally your your therapist,
his therapist, his entire family thinks so too.
Speaker 3 (44:05):
And you know what sucks is while he was giving
that hissy fit, what was he doing. Here's a list
of options to make this work out.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yeah, and he was like.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
No, no, pull it together, dude. Ah, dude. If I
was your best friend, I would strangle you. I'd be like,
what is wh gop? That's what I would do. Key On,
if you pull this crap and you had a beautiful
child and you were doing this to your lovely wife,
I'd be like, ke on, get it together, get it together,
get it together.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Other man, I would.
Speaker 4 (44:34):
I would, Yeah, I would, Honestly I would never but yeah,
if I were doing that, I would.
Speaker 5 (44:38):
I would give you consented.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
To do that.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
My friends, you know, snap me out of.
Speaker 3 (44:42):
This Oh yeah behavior, Oh yeah, I hope.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
But there's a little bit left to the story.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Hey, it's John you og host here. We're gonna get
back to the stories. But he's a quick three minute
break of ass from our sponsors.
Speaker 2 (44:52):
I want to save my marriage, but I've done all
I can and if my husband won't do his part,
there's nothing I can do except move on. Exactly. You've
literally done everything you can possibly do to try and
make this relationship work. I've told my husband if he
has not gotten therapy by the time our son is
a month old, I will be filing for divorce, and
that if he abuses me, hurts me, or even thinks
(45:14):
of dating other people again, I will be filing for divorce.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Ooh, a divorce on me. Definitely is thinking about it.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
He's thinking about it. Thought crime on all. A sad update,
but one that is a type of Catharsis for me.
So I thought I would share thank you to everyone
who has given me such great advice and support. Before
you're all wonderful. Sorry, this was so long and couldn't
be better news. And that is the end of that story.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
Oh my gosh, dude, figure it now.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Literally. Uh.
Speaker 3 (45:43):
Speaking of thought crime, I had a dream crime where
recently someone has wronged one of my closest friends in
a really messed up way, and I had a dream.
Speaker 5 (45:54):
Tell me about it.
Speaker 3 (45:54):
I can't really explain it, but I had a dream
that I was that this person entered my house and
I yelled at him to leave.
Speaker 5 (46:00):
I love that that's your dream.
Speaker 3 (46:02):
Yeah, that was my dream. I was like, I was
like get out, and everyone else was like Riley's just
joking around and I was like no, shut it out.
And I was like so mad and like oh. And
then I went to the shed and Sophia was reading
and I left the story because I think Dakota said something,
(46:22):
so I just left. And then I come back and
Sophia found the video of me sleeping on the couch
and was reading the story and acting like I was
asleep so she could keep the show going. And then
whenever she saw me, she was like surprise, like she
hadn't seen me one hundred years. She just like, where
have you been get back on on the stream. We
gotta go, we gotta we gotta make this happen. Oh
(46:42):
those were my dreams last night.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
But if you love us, make sure to subscribe. We
love you and Sham
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