I CHEATED on my wife with my colleague… but now she’s hesitant! - r/relationship_advice | Reddit Stories | EP2306 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:04):
We have some spectacular stories coming up, but.

Speaker 1 (00:07):
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Speaker 2 (00:12):
I cheated on my wife with my colleague, but now
she's hesitant about what howdy? So long story short two
years ago now, my marriage of ten years was difficult.
We had one kid who was currently five, but we
wanted two, and we were attending relationship counseling. It felt
like everything was getting better. We were working through our
relationship issues and slowly making progress and could continue with

(00:34):
our premeditated plan to have another kid. By the way,
that comes from born Information nine to one four and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
the r slash Okay Storytime Subpreddit. So both my wife
thirty seven female, and I thirty four male, had different
issues with our marriage. She felt unappreciated amongst a large
list of other things, and I was struggling with a
complete lack of intimacy from her. We were able to

(00:56):
work through these problems, but literally as soon as the
positive pregnancy test came through, everything quickly fell apart. In
the next relationship counseling session. The wife stated that during
spicey sleep she faked everything and pretty much hated everything
about anything intimate with me. It was really hard to
hear and completely destroyed my self esteem. I couldn't even
contact the relationship counselor to cancel or confirm the next session.

(01:17):
I just ignored their emails. The wife went completely cold
from this point on and spent literally no time with
me and made zero effort.

Speaker 1 (01:24):
Dude, you guys are none who.

Speaker 2 (01:26):
Sounds like it. I would probably go as far as
saying that she made an effort to be cold and
distant from me. The pregnancy and new baby were obviously exhausting,
and I tried to cut her some slack for this,
But when I look back on this time period now,
they are some of the worst two years of my
life when they should have been the best. I was
extremely mad at my wife. At times. We would rarely
fight and actually gone with each other quite well during

(01:48):
the day, but any attempts to kiss or get any
affection for my wife were quickly rejected. Every few months
we would have a bit of a meltdown and need
to stop and air our grievances. It felt like I
was going back to square one. During every discos, there
was a long list of things that I had to
do before she would consider giving me affection. But it
was tough and impossible for me to get everything right
and definitely wouldn't end in me getting any affection. Even

(02:11):
thinking about this now makes me feel exhausted. As the
two years went by, the only thing keeping me there
was the kids. My parents split when I was a kid,
and before committing to having children, I swore that I
would never abandon them and leave them feeling as I
did during our last discussion slash argument. I wanted out,
but I just powered through, thinking that I needed to
do what is best for the kids no matter what.
I knew that I was lying to myself and to

(02:33):
the wife, and I didn't mind it being dishonest as
I could say that I was doing what's best for
the kids as an excuse. Fast forward to August. We
were having a big sales drive at work and I
was assigned to go on a two week sales drive
across several states with a colleague. I picked up my
relatively new colleague, thirty female, and drove her to the airport.
Up until this point, I had barely noticed her or

(02:54):
spoken to her. I'd try and be as professional as
possible at work. I was dreading the trip. I'd no
self steam and didn't want to be annoying or uncool.
I knew that we would need to spend lots of
time together, and I just wanted to do the job
well and for her to at least have an okay
time and not to hate me.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
By the end of it.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
I have a feeling that they had an actually really
great trip.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
I really having fun on this. You guys don't like
each other? Y, Wow, you guys really don't like each other. Yeah,
Like a majority of this marriage has just been you
guys don't like each other. Yeah, Like her saying I've
never enjoyed any spicy stuff that we do.

Speaker 2 (03:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (03:38):
And then it just seems like she's you have to
work hard for any of the affection that she's getting
or that she's giving out. It's just this is bad, right,
It's just this.

Speaker 2 (03:47):
Is not not going well. Not going well. Man. As
we drove to the airport, we started talking and we
just didn't stop. We went to the bar, stayed up
talking until two am, and then went to work, starting
at eight am. The next day, we easily powered through
the day somehow despite the hangover, and did the same
thing the next night. It turns out we have so

(04:09):
much in common and we're also both unhappy in our
current relationships. Oh stop stop. The third night was the same,
but at two am the flirting progressed. We ended up
kissing and went to the same room. Just like everything else,
the spicy sleep was beyond amazing, but somehow this is
almost a minor detail interesting. The rest of the trip

(04:31):
was a dream. We spent twenty four hours with each other,
and that wasn't nearly enough.

Speaker 1 (04:35):
You suck, You're the a hole. You're the a hole.
You have no excuses.

Speaker 2 (04:41):
Yeah. We would stay up until we literally couldn't keep
our eyelids open. It was literally a dream and everything
was perfect until we realized the trip was ending. There
were some tears that we both didn't want to go
back to reality. We had realized by this time that
we were deeply in love with each other.

Speaker 1 (04:57):
The fin on airport roll, are you spent like, how
long with this girl? Three days?

Speaker 2 (05:02):
Two days, few days?

Speaker 1 (05:04):
Yeah, and you're deeply in love with her? This isn't
a freaking Disney Channel movie. You don't follow with someone
over three days, exactly, exactly, this is ridiculous throwing your
way your marriage.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
I don't.

Speaker 1 (05:16):
I mean it apparently sucks right leave your marriage, But
throwing it away because you fell in love with someone
over three days.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
Yeah, the final airport journey was incredibly sad. She also
said that no one can ever find out about this.
She's from a very religious family in a rural backwards
country and said that if any of her family or
friends found out that she had split a family up,
that she would be disowned. I got back home immediately
and broke things off with the wife as gently as
I could. I didn't tell the whole truth. I didn't

(05:45):
want to hurt her feelings or have my new girlfriend disowned,
or have any complications at work. So fast forward to today.
My colleague and I are crazily in love, but are
also on and off. We are secretly dating outside of work,
but things are bumpy, to say the least, split up
and gotten back together a few times. She's having great
difficulty with the situation and needs to go to therapy
to get through. We are great at the start of

(06:07):
the week, but as Thursday approaches, when I have the kids,
she breaks down To complicate things, I spend a lot
of time at the family home and haven't found a
good place for myself yet. When things are going well
between us, I feel invincible, have a lot more energy
than the start of the year. But when things are rough,
I have to deal with missing the kids on top
of the sadness from the breakup. I feel extremely vincible,

(06:28):
and now I'm also visiting a therapist. I want some
stability in life and can't seem to get any for
a long enough period of time to reassemble, find a
good house in a decent suburb, and move in with
my colleague, and it just seems as though things are
getting worse. I don't think she's married. It said relationships
like we're both in bad relationships.

Speaker 1 (06:47):
Okay, yeah, so it might not be memoried. So I
guess maybe they're not married but they were, or she
was in a bad relationship.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
Yeah. The wife and I haven't publicly announced our separation,
and this is also making things much harder for my
new partner. She's only breaking up with me because the
situation is hurting her badly, and she doesn't know if
she even wants to be with me. Long term, even
if everything was sorted, she wants to have her own
kids and isn't sure that she wants to start again
with someone who already has a family.

Speaker 1 (07:13):
It seems like, oh, he's like, oh my god, I've
cheated on my wife with my colleague who I am
in love with after three days, and I left my
wife for her, and she doesn't want to be with me. Like, no, doy, dude,
Like the woman who like clearly didn't have the morals
to not cheat on her partner and also to cheat

(07:36):
with someone who's married and as kids.

Speaker 2 (07:38):
Yeah, maybe it's not gonna.

Speaker 1 (07:40):
You know, want a long term relationship with you.

Speaker 2 (07:43):
Yeah, And I honestly want to know more details about
like what the wife like, what problems the wife had
in the relationship in the first place. Yes, because I feel.

Speaker 1 (07:52):
Like helot, he told us all about what she did,
but yeah, not like why she felt unappreciated.

Speaker 2 (07:58):
Yeah, because I think what a lot of men forget
is that, like a lot of for a lot of men,
intimacy is the way to fix problems and that solves things.
But for a lot of women, intimacy isn't comfortable unless
problems are already fixed. You know, so I have a

(08:19):
feeling that that is a part of it. But at
the same time, you know, if he was being truthful
and if if that's true, that like he was really
trying everything that he could and there were just so
many things that just weren't working, you know, and she's
demanding so much or something like that, then I can understand,
you know, his his position, not the cheating, but like

(08:40):
you know, complaining about the intimacy. But yeah, dude, it
just feels like it feels like there's not enough to
this story because.

Speaker 1 (08:48):
Yeah, I feel like you're hiding things. Yeah, yourself look better,
but like you cheated on your wife, doesn't matter if
you guys had a terrible relationship cheat on her, should
have left her before you cheated on her, right, and
don't be surprised when you're a fair is it a
perfect relationship because it's an affair.

Speaker 2 (09:03):
It was an affair, so apart from moving out, finalizing
the separation and divorce, I really don't know what to do.
I can keep trying with my new partner even though
it's hurting her and we are currently on a break.
We love each other, but I know she's crying herself
to sleep each night. Should I let her go? I
think the world of her, and seeing her like this
is terrible. There's probably still an option to pretend like

(09:25):
nothing happened before the kids, but I don't even want
to think about that. It'll certainly destroy me. Is it
best if I end at the new relationship? And there
are some comments. Comment number one says, how does one
give advice to a person as clueless as you? Yeah,
that's it as a whole comment.

Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (09:42):
Comment number two says, maybe it's hurting her because she
found her conscience and knows that someone who cheats on
their partner or spouse and breaks up a child's home
it's not a good person.

Speaker 1 (09:52):
Well, she even said it. She's like, I don't want
to break up a home, and then you went, okay,
I'm gonna leave my wife and kids for you. Way, No,
I broke up a family.

Speaker 2 (10:03):
Yeah, Like, I think it's very possible that he didn't
really realize that that meant that she didn't want to
continue a relationship, because I think either they both said
or she said that, like they don't know if they
can have a relationship like a long term She's I
think it did. She said she didn't know if she
wanted a full time relationship with.

Speaker 1 (10:20):
This deaf or she was like, I don't know if
I want to continue this.

Speaker 2 (10:23):
Yeah, So I feel like you are a bit clueless here.
Bud Coming number three says that that's not a thing
about your relationship with your a fair partner that will
allow it to survive in real life. And that's what
you are seeing now. Affairs are fantasy. There's no mortgage,
no kids, no bills, no doing the dishes.

Speaker 1 (10:41):
No mowing the lawn.

Speaker 2 (10:42):
You each left your spouse is for a fantasy of
something that existed only in the liminal spaces of life,
not on the main drag of real life. So of
course it's not surviving your attempt to go legit after adultery.
You'r A fair partner is struggling with your children because
as a parent herself, she knows how important they are
and how much they need their father. But the affair

(11:02):
is born of selfishness, and adulterers are selfish, so she
wants your complete attention like she had on the trip.
The cognitive dissonance is wearing on her. The two of
you are at best off going no contact with each other,
learn how to live as a single dad and be
a good co parent, then start to date again in
the real world, and someone else responds. Just to add,

(11:22):
have you self reflected on how you went about all
of this at all? What I mean is you went
on a trip for a few days with a colleague,
had a few days of great, spicy sleep and getting wasted,
et cetera, and came home and decided that you were
leaving your wife and child for a woman you barely know,
for a woman you only spend a few days with.
You have no idea how she would be as a
step parent. You have no idea if your child will

(11:44):
adjust well to her. You have apparently already made these
decisions that you want to live together without even knowing
if this person will be a person who will be
in the best interest of your child to live with.
Do you not find that strange? You seem very focused
on how this woman is adjusting to aelve of us,
Yet I have seen nothing mentioned on how your child
is adjusting. What is your plan in helping your child

(12:04):
adjust to a split household, or have you shown any
kind of concern of if your child will adjust well
to having this new person in their life?

Speaker 1 (12:11):
I don't think he's thought about his kid at all.
I think he's thinking about as a fair partner.

Speaker 2 (12:16):
I agree, Yeah, I that's pretty much the end of
that comment. But yeah, I agree, he's definitely enough thinking
at all. I think, you know, and this is something
that it seems like a lot of parents struggle with
from these stories. I'm not a parent, I don't know,
but like I feel like a lot of people think, oh,
I'll just stay for the kids when it's like okay,

(12:38):
but if you really wanted to do what's actually right
for the kids is to do what's right for yourself
so that they could know, like yourself and your wife
obviously not just like go and cheat, but like it
be a good example of how you should choose your
relationships in front of your kids, you know.

Speaker 1 (12:56):
And you're choosing a person you cheated on your wife with, Yeah,
fell with over three days, right, and now like want
to move in with her. That's not exactly really modeling
good relationships here. I made a new friend and my
wife is unhappy with my plans with him.

Speaker 2 (13:13):
Oh, just be friends. Come on.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
My wife Amy twenty seven female and I twenty seven male,
have a spare room in our home. We've gone back
and forth since we moved in ten plus years ago
about what we wanted to do with it, but we
never took the initiative to actually implement any of those plans.
We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and
an office, so the rooms just sit there unutilized. I'm

(13:37):
not that worried about it, but my wife brings it
up now and then. These mentions are just of the
unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to
use it for. By the way, this comes from spare
Room Throwaway And if you want to spit your own stories,
go to the r slash Okay story time supret it.
So I made a new friend Ben thirty mail about
eight months ago, and it was very much one of

(13:58):
those we connect for the first time. We spoke to
each other's situations.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
Ah.

Speaker 1 (14:04):
I've actually never had that many close male friends, so
this connection is especially important to me. The conversation flowed
so easily, we had loads in common. I didn't think
such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for
a person could be developed in less than a year,
but it's been very cool to experience that and get
to know them. One of the things that we bonded

(14:24):
over was a similar love for art and music. Ben
is way way more talented than I am when it
comes to painting, but it's something we both enjoy. His
birthday is coming up, and I thought, on top of
what else I was getting him, I could turn the
spare room into something similar to an art studio for
both of us to use. I already ordered a few
things for it and was getting ready to jump into
painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded

(14:47):
to know what I was doing. I explained that I
was finally fixing up the spare room. She said it
was unacceptable. I had done this without confirming with her
that I was okay, but I didn't think I would
need to since it's been two years and the room
has basically never been touched. Am I the ale so

(15:07):
so he's he didn't do anything yet. He was just
about to paint the room.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
So it feels like a no.

Speaker 1 (15:16):
To me. It feels like a no. I think it's
not an a whole move that you were about to
like paint it. I think maybe you probably should have
talked to her about it, but she shouldn't, like I
feel like that's a little bit of an overreaction for
her to be like, yeah, you should have been like, hey,
can you.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
Like talk to me about that before, right, right.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
So just make sure we're on the same page.

Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 (15:36):
I do think if you haven't talked to her about
Ben using the spare room, that is an ale moved.

Speaker 2 (15:43):
Yeah, that that is a big deal.

Speaker 1 (15:45):
Yeah, Like I was a little bit unclear whether or
not that's happened. So if she knows then and this
is all about the paint, then this is kind of
I don't know if we need to go a whole
Maybe it was inconsiderate, But if she doesn't know about Ben, yeah,
that's maybe problem. Consensus A people point out that it
seems he wants to spend time with Ben instead of Amy.

(16:06):
Really notable comment says, his birthday is coming up soon,
and I thought, on top of what else I was
getting him, I could turn the spare room into something
similar to an art studio. What else are you getting
him for his birthday?

Speaker 2 (16:17):
Op?

Speaker 1 (16:17):
Is what I want to know. Ben's not moving in,
He's just using the spare room for an art studio.

Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yes, which is arguably weirder.

Speaker 1 (16:24):
Yeah, in my opinion.

Speaker 2 (16:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:27):
Inevitable Music seven to seven ninet nine says I would
bet money them not being able to find a use
for the room is because wife was thinking nursery while
her husband's thinking, mank for my best friend that doesn't
even live at this house. Yeah, yeah, so okay, it
seems like she definitely doesn't know. Look, I'm just gonna

(16:48):
throw it out there because I'm pretty sure I'm not
the only one thinking it. The way you talk about
this relationship with Ben versus your wife makes it sounds
like he's more than just a friend. Maybe it's on
a subconscious level, only you don't nilatterally decide what to
do with a room and a house you share with
your wife. It's weird that your first thought is, oh,
I want to set up this space for me and
the friend. It's weird that you view this as some

(17:08):
kind of gift to the friend on top of whatever
else you've gotten him. It's weird you want to give
a key to the house you share with your wife
to the friend without asking her. You're the a hole.
I think I didn't fully understand when I first read it.
I think so too so because I was like, that's
so weird. I couldn't possibly be that. So he wants
to give his friend a room in their house as

(17:28):
either a communal or just an arts to you rahim,
it seems. And he hasn't asked his wife about that.
I thought he just wanted to paint the room and
maybe like let him stay for a little bit.

Speaker 2 (17:40):
No, he wants to paint the room and then paint
a whole bunch of more stuff.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, and like Ben just gets to have part of
this room. Now, Yeah, you can't do that without talking
to your wife. Yeah, what I'm on these common side,
that's weird. Yeah, that's that's true. I don't know if
it's like a too friendly or something.

Speaker 2 (17:59):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (17:59):
I can't say that yet. Yeah, but I think it's
disrespectful for sure.

Speaker 2 (18:04):
I'm just like so confused by because it is one
thing to be like, hey, like my my friend's gonna
like stay here in this room.

Speaker 1 (18:10):
That's what I thought for a second, Right.

Speaker 2 (18:12):
It's still in that case, it's like a no, definitely
talk to your wife. Yeah, like you stupid. But then
this is like I it's the same amount.

Speaker 1 (18:22):
Of an office in someone else's house. Yeah, Like it's
just just boggling my mind right now, it's my mind
is boggled? Yeah, am I the only one that thinks
this guy is in love with his friend? Either way,
you're the ale And there is an update. Six days later,
Ben and I sat down and talked on Tuesday night
about everything. It was overwhelming, to say the least. He

(18:44):
was gentle and sweet as always and allowed me the
time and space to say everything I needed to. That
night was one of the most beautiful of my life.
Hold on what just happened? I need to go back
to I.

Speaker 2 (18:58):
Was like, not really with that comment, with thinking that
he's in love with him, But now.

Speaker 1 (19:01):
I think he's Now I think he's in love with him.

Speaker 2 (19:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:04):
Acceptance, love and trust are truly so so powerful, life changing.

Speaker 2 (19:09):
What is going on with acceptance of nis?

Speaker 1 (19:13):
Oh Amy and I had a conversation about the spare
room last night. I had been putting it off since
my post a few days ago and was hoping to
wait until the weekend to talk about it all, but
she insisted I did as a lot of comment suggested,
and use the renovation as a lead in to talk
about the other things going on. I told her that
her reaction to it brought up a lot of confusing
emotions for me that I've spent the last few days

(19:34):
working through, and things continued from there. I had toyed
with the idea of couple's therapy, and it was something
she suggested, but I don't think it's a viable option.
I love her, but I've come to realize that I
was never in love with her. Like I once thought, whoa, dude,
he's forbid.

Speaker 2 (19:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:57):
I feel like I didn't even read the first right.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
I feel like there was like a it would just
like a trilogy, and we just didn't see the second book.

Speaker 1 (20:06):
Literally, I was like, whoa. Okay, I was like, oh, yeah,
that's kind of rude that, you know, decided that Ben
can have us to do. Oh you're in love? Yeah,
And after getting to really and truly experience that it
wouldn't be fair to either of us if we tried
to force something that I'm not capable of giving to her.
I'll be splitting my time staying in one of our
guest rooms with Ben in his apartment for the time

(20:27):
being while we separate and work things out moving forward. Obviously,
that means the room renovations have been paused until further
notice and really really excited for the future.

Speaker 2 (20:36):
These storytellers, they really need to work on their pacing.

Speaker 1 (20:39):
That's crazy notable comments. So you cheated on your wife
with an emotional affair, blamed her for your decisions with
the whole Your reaction made me confuse, bit and now
you're leaving her to go with your affair partner. Doesn't
matter if it wasn't physical. This is an obvious emotional affair,
aim me. She deserves so much better. You do plan

(21:03):
on letting her have most of the assets in the
divorce since you wore the unfaithful and wreck the marriage
right and poor Amy thought she only had to worry
about a spare room being used without her permission. This
my heart broke a little for I bet she's thinking
that if she hadn't gotten upset about the room, maybe
her husband would still love her and be with her.
I hope Amy reads these posts to see how much

(21:23):
the rest of us wish her the best out of
a horrible situation. Dude, I'm all for living as your
authentic self, but this euphoria you obviously feel after breaking
out of your ill conceived art room closet doesn't absolve
you from being an ale. Celebrating the evolution of your
emotional affair into a full blown one while your marriage
is collapsing around you is incredibly poor taste and shows

(21:43):
an astounding lack of empathy and compassion for your soon
to be ex wife. The reality is that you did
try to move Bed into your marital home when you
decided to repurpose a spare bedroom into a music room,
art studio, love nest, So it's not much of a
stretch to believe you would do it now for real.
I get that you misspoke, we're unclear, retracted the statement,

(22:04):
but you can't honestly be surprised that people think the
worst of you when you put it on display yourself.
Amy's been at best and afterthought through this entire ordeal,
and that just is sad. I feel so sorry for
her and hope that you grow a conscience in time
to make up for your lack of emotional generosity by
giving her everything she wants in the divorce. There are

(22:25):
more comments, but we're gonna pause. Oh my gosh, I mean,
I get what they're saying. Yeah, Like, on the one hand, yes,
you can't stay with Amy because you don't love her,
and you're in love with someone else, so yeah, don't
stay with her. But I do think there is this
kind of like, sorry, Amy, I gotta go with Ben

(22:45):
now bye. Yeah, I get that flippancy.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
I maybe it's like the pacing of this story or
something like that, but I was shocked at those comments
though me too. I was like, oh, oh man, we
got some big emotions over here. But yeah, I do agree, yeah,
a little bit at least. I mean, it seemed from
how he was telling it, it seemed innocent, and it
seems like I didn't really realize I loved him, you know,

(23:09):
that kind of thing, even though he definitely should have
seen that he shouldn't move in his best feat. Like
that was just weird.

Speaker 1 (23:16):
But like it is super like I'm thinking of this
from just like a dating standpoint, but like if you're
dating someone and then they're like, hey, I got a
break up with you to go be with someone else, yeah,
that's pretty heartbreaking. And this is wife wife, Yeah that's heartbreaking.
And it does feel like there's not been a lot
of like focus on Amy's emotions. It's just like this

(23:37):
is what I want to do, so bye, right right,
I'm living my best life. Yeah, so yeah. Another commenter says,
the fact that you sat bend down to talk about
things you and him already knew, since you know you've
been having an emotional affair days before you talk to
your wife, speaks volumes about your character. I don't okay.

(23:58):
I partially agree that you should have talking to Amy first,
or that he should have talked to Amy first. Yeah,
but I feel like everyone's kind of harping on like
you already knew you were having an emotional affair. I
don't think up he knew exactly. You were even forced
by your wife to have that talk with her. She
deserved the first conversation. She was your wife, Your fair
partner should have been put on the back burner for

(24:19):
five minutes while you figured this out with her. I
do agree with that. Yeah, had your live altering night
with your boyfriend while your wife is still wondering about
your spare room days later. The poor girl thought she
was going to have a conversation about it, and instead
you blew up her life and gave her absolutely no
remorse about how you went about things aka cheating on
your wife. Good on you for figuring yourself out, but

(24:40):
you are like at bottom of the barrel of humans
at this point.

Speaker 2 (24:42):
Oh my gosh, I feel like.

Speaker 1 (24:44):
Rings different stories. He was gonna wait until this weekend
to talk to her about it. Not claim I was
the reason he changed his mind, but I badgered him
pretty consistently about it and is now deleted post because
he was apparently set on trickle truth in her instead
of ripping the band aid off. I think I'd have
been better received because I clarified that I'm a sapphog
and wasn't coming at the situation from a closet guard standpoint.

(25:07):
But Jesus Christ, this man, this man, I am too invested.
What was the gist of his post basically that he
would give her time to come to terms with their
separation by letting her believe he's by and then telling
her he's after because it would let her down easier
or something. Wow, that's a huge a hole move.

Speaker 2 (25:27):
Yeah, that's a huge a whole move.

Speaker 1 (25:29):
Be honest, Jarney, leaving her, don't just say like, honestly,
it would probably feel better for her to know, like, oh,
you just can't love me like that?

Speaker 2 (25:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (25:40):
Absolutely, I don't know, Like if someone I don't know,
if he was like if he was like, oh, I'm
by I'm gonna go be with Ben, right, don't love you?

Speaker 2 (25:51):
Yeah, yeah exactly, that would be like okay, so like
you could, but yeah, like you said, it's it's.

Speaker 1 (25:56):
But but also the fact that he was going to
lie about that and then come clean is even worse,
Like why just complain? I relatively politely towrem a new
one over that. And that is the end of that story.
And I do want to say I feel for Amy
because she's definitely like getting the short stick of this
whole situation, and that is a really awful place to be.

Speaker 2 (26:16):
Uh so, good luck, Amy, exactly.

Speaker 1 (26:19):
Sorry, your husband's an a hole. Sorry, Hey, it's Sam,
your og host. Here.

Speaker 2 (26:24):
We're gonna get back to the stories.

Speaker 1 (26:25):
But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. My
husband went back on his word just to please his mother.

Speaker 2 (26:32):
Oh we got a little mommy's bowling in our hands.

Speaker 1 (26:34):
My twenty three female husband, twenty seven Mail and I
just recently had our first baby. Being a first time
parent definitely hasn't been the easiest, but I am absolutely
loving every moment I have to bond and learn how
to be a good parent with my son. Well, almost everything.
Even before I had given birth, I was having difficult

(26:55):
feelings regarding my mother in law. In order to understand everything,
I'll have to give some backstory. By the way, this
comes from otherwise soft ten to eleven, and if you
want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash. Okay,
Storytime subpared it so to start it off, I can't
go into too much detail as i'd like to for
legal reasons. About a year after I had met my husband,

(27:15):
his brother got into some legal troubles that led to
him being arrested. Because of this, my now ex sister
in law and their newborn son ended up moving in
with my mother in law and father in law. Everything
was going okay until my ex sister in law randomly
one day while everyone was away from the house, packed
up everything and took her baby and left. The entire

(27:38):
family was devastated, especially my mother in law. She's the
type of person who will overthink something to the point
where they drive themselves crazy, and in this situation, she
did just that. A couple of months after she left,
brother in law had his first trial, and to everyone's surprise,
my former ex sister in law testified against him that

(28:00):
added to the hurt and betrayal, and once again, my
mother in law drove herself basically crazy. Overthinking ex sister
in law ended up filing for divorce and moving states
away with the baby. Since then, we have had no
contact with her and nobody has been able to see
or talk to the baby. Last year, on my birthday,
I found out I was pregnant. This was about four

(28:22):
months after everything went down. When we told my mother
in law and father in law, they were happy, but
you could tell that they immediately thought of my ex
sister in law and her baby. I would like to
go ahead and say that I understand and sympathize with them.
After all, that was their grandchild that they helped take
care of, only for him to be taken away without
being able to say goodbye. That would hurt anyone, I'm sure,

(28:46):
and I knew that they were going to need time
to heal. However, despite all of that, my mother in
law jumped on board with helping me figure out doctor's
appointments and everything that I needed to do since I
had no clue what to do. She was a really
big help during my early stages of pregnancy and I
will forever be grateful for that, But this is now

(29:09):
where we start running into the beginning of the issues.
About three months into my pregnancy, we found out I
was having a boy and my due date was the
same month as my ex sister in law's baby's birthday.
My mother in law was ecstatic. She started telling me
that she had prayed to God and that with me
having a boy and him being born in the same
month as ex sister in law's baby, that he had

(29:32):
answered her prayer and my son was going to be
their restoration. I gotta shut that down and be like, nope, uh,
this is not a replacement baby. This is a new baby.

Speaker 2 (29:41):
Yeah, like new baby.

Speaker 1 (29:44):
I was a little weirded out with the wording, but
I just figured this was her way of healing and
getting past all of the pain. Then it got worse.
It felt like I was constantly being compared to my
ex sister in law. For example, before we found out
I was pregnant, my husband was te me how to drive. Yes,
I don't know how to drive. However, that stopped once

(30:04):
we did find out due to him wanting to be careful.
There was a day where he couldn't get off work
in time to take me to a doctor's appointment, and
he asked mother in law if she could. She ended
up going on a speech about how my ex sister
in law got our license and would drive to our
doctor appointments all by yourself, and that I should be
more like that. I mean, you want her to be

(30:25):
more like the ex sister in law who ran away. Yeah,
I'd be like, oh, so you want me to take
my baby and go? Is that how I should be?
Sister in law?

Speaker 2 (30:35):
Right?

Speaker 1 (30:36):
She knew it was my husband's idea to stop teaching
me how to drive. When she found out my husband
told me what she had said, she ended up crying
and saying sorry. However, even after that, it got worse
with the comparison. It got to the point where it
was about everything, what I ate, what I wore, how
much I slept, which hospital I was going to, even

(30:57):
down to who I wanted in the room when I
gave birth. It also felt like she became obsessed with
the fact that my son was her restoration. She would
go on and on about how she prayed for him
and that was the reason I got pregnant. She would
constantly ask me if I was going to.

Speaker 2 (31:12):
Take him away from her like I sister.

Speaker 1 (31:14):
In law did, saying that she wasn't going to let
my son out of her sight for a second and
even told me that my husband and I should move
in with her and father in law so they could
watch and make sure he stays. To say our relationship
started feeling strained would be an understatement. My husband tried
talking to her multiple times about her behavior, but every

(31:36):
time she would cry and say sorry, she doesn't want
another baby taken from her. Now, I know PTSD is
a thing, and it's something that constantly will bring back
painful memories. However, at this point it had been over
a year since all that had happened. Maybe I'd come
across a little heartless when I say this, or maybe
I'm fed up with the constant comparison. But you cannot

(31:58):
continue to blame your behavior on things from the past
if you are forcing yourself to stay in the past. Anyway,
getting to the reason of this post, I had my
son back in May. He's the best thing that has
ever happened to me. I love this kid so much.
When it comes to mother in law and father in law,
I tend to try and walk on eggshells around them

(32:18):
when it comes to my son. They absolutely adore him.
He is now almost three months old. Time needs to
slow down, and my husband and I are finally letting
them watch him for a few hours here and there,
despite my nervousness. The last few times they've watched him,
my mother in law has told us that he's been
projectile vomiting every time they feed him. That's concerting. Obviously,

(32:41):
that's raised concern with me because he never does that
when we feed him here. So I started to do
some questioning. I eventually found out my mother in law
will feed him, not burp him, and then lay him
flat on his back.

Speaker 2 (32:54):
Bro, do you ro what?

Speaker 3 (32:58):
What you know?

Speaker 1 (32:59):
Know how to take it? He a baby?

Speaker 2 (33:01):
You have children, this is your grandchild.

Speaker 1 (33:04):
Wow. After he pukes, she'll repeat the process. When I
told her she needed to burp him, she got mad
and argued with me, saying she doesn't need to burp
him and that she's raised two kids so she knows
what she's doing. The baby is projectile vomiting every time
you feed them.

Speaker 2 (33:20):
Yeah, it's like that's what babies do.

Speaker 1 (33:22):
Is babies.

Speaker 2 (33:24):
Everything will come out, Everything's fine.

Speaker 1 (33:25):
No. When I talk to my husband about it, he
told me. I need to be more mama bear with
my son when it comes to mother in law, or
you can stand up against your own mother.

Speaker 2 (33:35):
Could be Papa bear. Come on, man.

Speaker 1 (33:36):
I asked him if I did that, if he was
going to help me if she started trying to go
against what I say, and he said he would. He
should be the one addressing all this.

Speaker 2 (33:44):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (33:45):
Obviously, ever since finding out that's what's happening when my
son goes to their house, I've been more wary about
them having him. This past Sunday, we were invited to
go to a different church with different family. With it
being a different church, I told my husband that I
was probably going to hold the baby and not let
mother in law and father in law have him this time,
and he agreed that was a good idea. When church began,

(34:07):
my son started fussing a little bit. I fixed him
a bottle and was feeding him. I could see and
feel both my mother in law and father in law
looking past my husband to me and the baby, and
I could tell they wanted him. I tried to ignore
them until my husband poked me and told me that
they wanted him, to which I replied that I knew,
but I was feeding him, and I knew that if

(34:29):
he started getting passed around he would start crying. My
husband then told me that was fine and to just
take my time. My son finished eating and I started
burping him, and then after he burped, I started to
kind of entertain him quietly so he wouldn't fuss, all
the while still feeling the gaze of my mother in
law and father in law. My husband then again told
me they wanted him to which I again told them

(34:50):
a little more forcefully that I knew and I did
not care that I was going to hold my baby.
You literally asked her to be more mamma bear and
now and now she gotta be mom and bear.

Speaker 2 (35:01):
Do you exactly?

Speaker 1 (35:03):
He then got mad at me and told me that
it wasn't that big of a deal and proceeded to
take my son from me and give him to mother
in law. Not even a minute later, my son was
full blown crying and being passed back to me. Come on,
and I ended up having to go outside to calm
him down, Like you did that literally and then you
pass him back to mom to fix it. Yeah, that's

(35:24):
what I'm thinking. It's like, you're not even gonna.

Speaker 2 (35:27):
Be self aware and be like, oh, yeah, I am
the problem. Maybe I should figure like.

Speaker 1 (35:32):
My husband followed after shortly to help, and then you
guessed it. Mother in law. She came up asking if
she needed to take him from me, to which I
said no, that I was okay. A couple of minutes
later she asked me again and I said the same thing.
My husband ran to the bathroom real quick, and in
that time she asked again, and I told her that
I was okay. We were in an unfamiliar place, my

(35:54):
baby was crying and I wanted to comfort him. She
then asked me if I was keeping her from holding
him because I've spoiled him to only want me. By
this point, my husband came back and I told him
I was ready to leave, so we packed up and left.

Speaker 2 (36:07):
I mean, really, like you think that Opie is spoiling.

Speaker 1 (36:11):
Him to be held by his own mom.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
Yeah, and then when you try to hold him and
then he starts crying because it's not the time or
place to hold him, you just give him back.

Speaker 1 (36:23):
Give him right back, and then come out and be like,
oh can I can I take him again? After op
he has seemingly calmed him down.

Speaker 2 (36:29):
It's like you know, it's like no, no, no, no,
you can't take him, Like, why did you want to
do that earlier? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (36:34):
Why did you hand him right back to me?

Speaker 2 (36:35):
Literally?

Speaker 1 (36:36):
Come on, like you go outside and figure out how
to calm down. Come on, right, But there is a little
bit left of the story. But final thought, husband, you
are not fulfilling your end of the bargain. You're not
helping at all, not at all. You're just doing whatever
mommy said. I was livid at my husband and the
audacity of my mother in law. When we got home,
I told him what she had said to me, and
then I told him I didn't appreciate him telling me

(36:58):
to be mama bear and agreeing with me about me
holding him, only for him to go back on his word.
All he had to say was that he could tell
mother in law wanted him, and he gave him to
her for a second to get it out of her system.

Speaker 2 (37:10):
I don't care, then, don't get mad baby.

Speaker 1 (37:14):
I can't use the baby to calm mother in law down.

Speaker 2 (37:17):
Exactly.

Speaker 1 (37:18):
At this point, I was fed up, and I told
him that I didn't care if she wanted him or
needed to get it out of her system. That was
my son not hers and what I said regarding him
should stick. He got mad and said it was like
I didn't want anyone to hold him, to which I
replied saying that if I didn't want someone to hold
my baby, they weren't going to hold him. End of story.

(37:39):
He's been mad at me ever since, and I'm honestly
starting to worry if I went too far and let
my emotions get the better of me. Any advice appreciated.
I'm still friends with my ex and my husband is
not happy with it. Shakespearean, It's true and this comes
directly from the r slash okay Storytime suppered it. So
my ex thirty two mail will call Jim and I

(38:00):
thirty one non binary divorce. Back in twenty twenty two,
we agreed when we divorced we would always put our child,
five male first. We have a set custody agreement that
we don't really follow. I have him during the weeks
and Jay has him on the weekends, but if he
wants to stay with his dad or spend time with
his dad during the week it's not a problem. We
also agreed we would do family dinners at least twice

(38:21):
a month. We wanted to show our son that just
because his parents aren't a couple, that doesn't mean we
aren't a family. By the way, this comes from Bunbunboo
ninety three and if you want to spend your own stories,
go to the r slash. Okay, storytime supped it now.
Of course, outside of our son, we also agreed we
would continue being friends. We have known each other for
seven years and have been there for each other's major
life events. I remarried a year after our divorce. I

(38:43):
know I moved way too fast. My husband will call him.
Tony used to have no problem with me having this
arrangement with Jay. We even used to invite Tony to
our family dinners or anything else we would want to
do as a family since he's well our son's stepfather.
He would always turn us down, so we stopped inviting him. Okay,
concerning I have never pushed for Tony to have a

(39:06):
relationship with my son or with Jay. Also a little concerning,
I don't think I would want to marry someone until
they were vibing with my son.

Speaker 2 (39:14):
That's fair.

Speaker 1 (39:15):
I know these things take time and need to happen
on their own. Tony and my son at this point
have grown a special bond and my son even calls
him Dad. Okay, We've got it. Fast forward to now.
Nothing with my relationship with Jay has changed. We hang
out with our son together. Sometimes, we play online games together.
Once in a while, we heap each other informed if
we need the other to take our son, and maybe

(39:36):
once a month I'll go over and cut his hair.
A couple of times I have house sat for him
while he was on a business trip. For some reason,
this is starting to rub Tony the wrong way. He
gets mad whenever I go over there. He tries to
say I ignore him when I'm with Jay that whenever
Jay calls, I go running over there all the time.
This is far from the truth. Most of the time,

(39:57):
when Jay and I text or call each other, it's
a b out our son, because you guys, you have.

Speaker 3 (40:02):
Made a human life together and you kind of gotta
keep tabs on that kid.

Speaker 1 (40:06):
Yeah. To us, if it's not about our son, it's
to see if we want a game. To Tony, this
is a weird relationship to have with your ex. To
everyone else in our lives, they see us having a
perfectly healthy co parenting relationship. I knew that, Tony, truly
doesn't understand what I was just like, I don't understand
why you're always with I mean, what is he like
the father of your child? They're like yeah, yeah, yes,

(40:29):
and he's like it's almost like you're going over all
the time. It's like he's the father of your child. Yeah,
and she's like no, yeah, like yeah, Tony, He's like,
I just don't get it. I don't understand. Now, I'll admit.
Jay has also given me a place to stay when
Tony and I were having relationship issues when his sister
was living with us.

Speaker 2 (40:46):
I'm still listen.

Speaker 1 (40:48):
I go in sort of assuming the best, and I agree.
I slept on the couch for a week while she
was moving out of my house. This was mostly to
keep our son away from the drama and to give
me somewhere to go for some space and piece of mind. Now,
do I feel bad this friendship bothers my husband, Yes,
but I have never given him any reason to believe
I would be unfaithful to him with my ex husband.

(41:08):
Tony also feels the same way about pretty much all
of my male friends.

Speaker 2 (41:14):
I mean, they can't all.

Speaker 1 (41:15):
Be the father's Yeah, you're telling me that guy's too
likely stories. What is this, Mamma Mia. Granted, most of
my male friends are either attracted the same gender, married,
flash and long term relationships, or have been in my
life so long they're more like family. I would never
have a friendship with someone that would try to sleep

(41:35):
with me. I have told him this countless times. I
have never and would never cheat on him. But I
need to know. Am I the a hole for having
a friendship with my ex husband even if it bothers
my husband? And there is an edit and an update?
But what do you think?

Speaker 3 (41:51):
Nah?

Speaker 4 (41:52):
Nah n, that's the father of your child.

Speaker 2 (41:55):
Yeah, it's a platonic friendship.

Speaker 1 (41:57):
You have to interact with that person to talk about
your child that you made little human.

Speaker 4 (42:03):
And again, the thing that gets me to is when
they say he's liked this about all my male friends.

Speaker 2 (42:08):
Yeah, Okay, there it is.

Speaker 1 (42:10):
That's the thing. And also I think it would be
confusing to me as ope if I had been presumably
very upfront about the type of relationship I had with
my AX and my male friends going into this relationship
and then he's still married you even knowing.

Speaker 5 (42:27):
All the this just isn't how it went down in
Mama Mia.

Speaker 1 (42:31):
Yeah, I thought that for this, I thought that I
was what was his name, Peter Brosnan, Yeah, the main
guy that that Meryl Streep chooses. I thought I was
that guy.

Speaker 2 (42:44):
Yeah, oh my god.

Speaker 1 (42:46):
At the end, she chooses Peter, and then all of
the the other ladies get one of the guys.

Speaker 3 (42:52):
I think one of the Actually, I just thought they
were all kind of doing whatever they wanted to do
in Greece over.

Speaker 1 (42:57):
There, whatever happens in these days in Greece at it. So,
I've seen this a couple of times. I should add
a little more info about my relationship with Jay and Tony.
With Jay, we are never hanging out alone. We're always
with our son. We only hang out about twice a month.
Either I'll come over and cook dinner, or we'll go
out to dinner. If he needs me to cut his hair.

(43:18):
It's either like this, I cut his hair, I cook
dinner while he's in the shower, and then I go
home after we eat, or we go out to eat,
we go back to his place and I cut his hair.
Then I leave a lot of the time my son
will tell me to go back to my house so
he can spend time with his daddy.

Speaker 2 (43:32):
Leave us alone, we're playing Legos.

Speaker 1 (43:36):
Over the past couple of years, we have invited Tony
many times. He's always said no the coming, so we
stopped inviting him. When we do play games online, we
normally have either his best friend with us and or
my younger brother. We only play maybe once a week,
depending on schedules. Tony is always in the room with me.
When I play with him, you can always hear what
is being said. What is normally being said is the

(43:57):
best friend and I roasting each other, Jay and his
best friend with each other, trash talking the monsters we
play Monster Hunter Wilds together, or it's my brother and
I making inside jokes and Folks, there's a little bit
left this story. Do you have any final thoughts.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
I'm sick of this Tony guy.

Speaker 1 (44:13):
I'm sick of Tony.

Speaker 2 (44:14):
I'm sick of it.

Speaker 1 (44:15):
Tony's got a lot of thoughts and a lot of feelings,
and none of them are valid. Tony needs to go
to Greece. It's kind of what I think. Tony needs
to have his Mamma Mia summer.

Speaker 2 (44:24):
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (44:26):
He thinks this is a Mama mea situation.

Speaker 4 (44:28):
He's like, maybe, yeah, well, I'm just saying there's two
like maybe he's like, it's me, Tony, it's Jay, and
the third third man, any of us could be the
father of this child.

Speaker 1 (44:40):
He ape has to be like, that's not he's not
your He just doesn't understand that it's not possible for
him to be the father. He's like, your son calls
me dad, son calls me dad. That's got a mean.

Speaker 2 (44:52):
He's not telling me. But there's a.

Speaker 1 (44:55):
Little bit left. With Tony. I do my best to
take his feelings seriously. I make sure he where I am,
who I'm with, and when i'll be home. Whenever he asks,
I'll always tell him who I'm texting or talking to
and what it's about. I hardly go anywhere without him.
If I do go without him, my best female friend,
my son, or my brother is with me. When I
do hang out with my brother, Tony always wants me
to send him a picture of him and I together

(45:16):
to prove I'm with my brother. This reeks of insecurity.
It annoys me, but I do it to prove I'm
not lying to him. I text him as much as
I can throughout the day. It's hard to do so
when I'm working or driving. If I don't respond, he
will either blow up on me or call me until
I pick up. I have had to remind him many
times I can't always respond right away when I'm busy.
He does this no matter where I am hanging out

(45:38):
with my cousin, blowing up my phone, watching a movie
with my uncle and brother, blowing up my phone, driving
places to do things for work, blowing up my phone.
I have tried my best to make sure he feels
secure in our relationship, but sometimes this is just too much.
Looks like one comment, so I'll read that.

Speaker 2 (45:55):
Not the ale.

Speaker 1 (45:56):
You and your ex are giving your son a wonderful
childhood and modeling how how adults can break up but
still be mature and respectful. Tony came into a healthy
situation and brought jealousy and a controlling attitude into something
that existed before him and was working just fine. You
don't need to change he does, And yeah, maybe you
should have known him better before getting married, but that

(46:17):
doesn't mean you can't change your mind and make a
better choice now. As someone whose parents have been divorced
for almost forty five years and still remain friends, My
dad even lived seven houses down the street. Trust me
that your son will eventually understand what a gift you
and his dad are giving him. He'll know how to
treat people, even X's, and he'll thank you for making
his childhood drama free. My dad also married a woman

(46:39):
who wanted him to choose her over his kids and
his good relationship with her mom. She's long gone and
none of us regret him cutting out the real drama.
You're doing great. Don't change a thing. Here's a comment
from Ope. We have tried in the past for over
a year to include Tony, and when Jay had a girlfriend,
her and things as well. Tony didn't want to go
with us to the park or out for dinner. He
would always tell no, that's your time to spend with

(47:02):
your son, just the two of you. Now, all of
a sudden, it's a problem. We haven't changed anything about
what we're doing. I do my best to make sure
Tony feels comfortable when he asks to come along with
me to places I bring him. I always let him
know who I'm talking to and about what I just
don't understand what changed in him. We got a little
bit more comments from a Pee. I don't think this

(47:22):
is a good relationship anymore.

Speaker 3 (47:23):
I'll be fully honest, and this is one of our own. Yeah,
so you can be fully honest with one of our own.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
I'll be fully honest.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
I've mostly been thinking about song titles for Mama Mia
to sort of put into this conversation and really haven't
been super successful.

Speaker 1 (47:41):
That's okay. What's that one? Like? How do I get
cheeky in here? Get a waterloo situation? You know what?
Maybe this one applies.

Speaker 2 (47:51):
The winner takes it all the winter takes and maybe.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
The winner is you the winn takes you your ring
off of your finger.

Speaker 1 (47:59):
That I think that that was a really great point, right,
thank you. I'm very concerned about your relationship. It feels
like he's very controlling and if this is a big
switch up from how he was at the beginning of
the relationship. It's either he feels like he has a
little bit more control because you guys are tied together
through marriage and so he's a little bit more comfortable
showing you who he actually is, or as we get

(48:23):
in a lot of stories, he's projecting and it is cheating,
you know, if he's trying to control everywhere you are
and demanding you give proof that you're not with other men.

Speaker 2 (48:33):
Yeah, then he might be.

Speaker 1 (48:34):
Doing something, but either way, this is not a healthy relationship.
And I don't want to say, like, leave him immediately
because it seems like your son is a good bond
with him. But either you need to tell him this
is not okay and you need to get some heavy counseling,
or you do need to end this marriage because you
have a really great thing going on with your ex
and your son and don't jeopardize that for this guy. Three,

(48:55):
I honestly think neither of you are the a hole.
This is just a delicate situation. I agree you're doing
what's best for your son and that should be a priority,
But just imagine if the roles were reversed and your
partner at a child with an X and was frequently
visiting her and messaging her. It may be completely fine
to you because you know it's completely harmless, but your
partner can't feel what you feel or see the world

(49:16):
through your eyes. That's the same as any relationship. I
think it's normal for anyone to feel a little insecure
that their partner is frequently engaging with the rex, especially
the father or mother of their partner's child, because that
in itself creates a bond that can't be replicated by them,
even if it's not romantic. I don't think it means
he doesn't trust you or that he's controlling. I think
it means he's human with human vulnerabilities. I also think

(49:37):
the insecurities that are slowly building from your ex are
starting to overflow into other males in your life too.
As you said, he's getting uncomfortable with male friends and colleagues.
I think his insecurities are snowballing. He needs to communicate
better with you and express his feelings so you can
discuss it together and maybe set boundaries or provide some
reassurance for him. I don't know, but it may also
be the case he doesn't understand what he's feeling or

(49:59):
why he's feeling it. In any case, communication is key.
I feel you need to be aware Tony's insecurities in
this situation are normal and something to work on together. However,
Tony is also going to have to step up and
work on communication and work on the situation himself too.
You said he says no when you invite him over.
Maybe he doesn't want to get in the way of
family time with you, your son, and your ex, because
he probably wants your son to have that time with

(50:20):
you too. But he needs to figure out what he
can do to overcome these feelings too and hope. He replies,
I agree. I have tried many times to have an
open communication about his feelings and what I can do
to help him feel better. He shuts me down or
it turns into a fight. Huge red flag. I have
limited my communications with my ex and other male friends.
Huge red flag, Huge red flag. I have even offered

(50:42):
to let him meet all my friends of all genders.
He has refused to meet them.

Speaker 2 (50:45):
That's craze. I want to meet your friends.

Speaker 1 (50:49):
I'm actively accusing you are my friends.

Speaker 2 (50:51):
Is so cool?

Speaker 1 (50:52):
What do you mean you don't mail to meet them.
It has gotten to the point he's asking our mutual
friends if he believes I would cheat on him. The
relationship is over, Yeah, the relationship is over. It We
are at the point, like, I really disagree with that
previous comment. This is not oh maybe he doesn't trust you.
He doesn't trust you. He's actively asking other people if
you would cheat on him. He's forcing you to send

(51:12):
him pictures at all times. Yea, even when you're with family,
literal family, because he thinks that there's something suspicious going on,
and now you're actively pushing away your ex that you
have a great relationship with and your male friends. For him,
this is no longer a healthy relationship. And maybe you

(51:32):
separate and he has time alone figures out his life
and down the line you can see.

Speaker 3 (51:38):
But as of right now, yeah, I'm downing.

Speaker 1 (51:43):
I'm seconding that open the gates. They have all told
him no repeatedly. I don't know what else I should
do to make him feel better about our situation. He's
johnio og host here.

Speaker 5 (51:55):
We're gonna get back to the stories, but he's a
quick three minute break of ass from our sponsors.

Speaker 2 (51:58):
I'm envious of my stepdaughter because of the time she
spends with her father.

Speaker 3 (52:04):
Oh man, I don't even have some quippie for this one.

Speaker 1 (52:07):
I'm just I'm just like, let's get into it.

Speaker 2 (52:10):
And this one comes straight from the r slash Okay
storytime sepreddit. This is another one of our own. So
I thirty five female, married my husband, thirty five male,
one year ago after a little over a year of dating.
This is the first marriage for both of us, but
we both came to the relationship with one child. Mine
is a son currently eleven, and his is a daughter
currently nine. We will call my son Josh and his

(52:32):
daughter April. By the way, this comes from Cashew Lover
twenty six oh one, and if you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime Sepreddit.

Speaker 6 (52:40):
So.

Speaker 2 (52:40):
My husband, who I'll referred to as Atlas, is a
refugee immigrants US citizen who was born and raised in
a Central Asian country, a former Soviet Union, and he
moved to the US at age sixteen and has been
here ever since. I admire him so much and love
him so much. Our relationship has had its challenges, mostly external,
but we have stayed friends and lovers through it all,

(53:01):
and I can't imagine being married to anyone else. He
is solid, reliable, responsible, beloved by all, takes care of
and protects his family, myself included, so fiercely. This is
all pertinent. When we got together, neither of us were
looking for a relationship. We were doing the single parent
thing and content with our lives raising our kids. He
shares custody of his daughter with an ex, and my

(53:23):
son is fully with me and doesn't see his dad
at all. As I mentioned, our relationship was kind of
a whirlwind. Being parents, we both kind of knew what
we wanted, were mature, felt like we knew ourselves pretty well,
and were financially established in our own right when we
decided to move in together Atlas in April. Naturally moved
in with Josh and I because they had been staying
in a studio and I had a two bedroom condo

(53:45):
in a very expensive city at the time. The kids
were seven and nine, so we had them share a
room with the two twin beds, and my son was
gracious to give up some of his space with no complaints.
In fact, he was excited and called her his sister
pretty quickly. That's so cute, dude.

Speaker 1 (54:01):
Really good.

Speaker 3 (54:02):
It's always scary for me when they start out really well.

Speaker 2 (54:06):
No, I know, right, it's usually yeah, it's like so
far this it's just a lovely story. And here, Yeah,
I'm so glad everyone's exactly. It's like finishing La La
Land fifteen minutes before the end. Will talk.

Speaker 1 (54:20):
You've seen it?

Speaker 2 (54:21):
Nope, but I've seen the memes. Sorry, guys, I could
have gotten away with that. Riley and I approached him
with this up. But my ex did tell me our
story was going to be like la la land, like
not even a weekend of us dating weekend. Very good.

Speaker 3 (54:38):
Well, she didn't know what she was talking idea.

Speaker 2 (54:43):
She seemed excited at first, but the novelty wore off
pretty quickly and she became much more closed off to
Josh for a bit. Now two and a half years later,
they get along and have a lot in common and
also bicker and are you quite a bit too? What
I'm told is typical sibling behavior.

Speaker 1 (54:57):
I'm guessing, oh, he is.

Speaker 2 (54:58):
An only child. Sorry it's taking so long for me
to get to the point, but I feel like all
this context is important to my issue. At first, all
was great in the condo at Lis had told me
in his culture it was normal for families to co
sleep for a long time, and in their studio. He
had originally gotten April her own bed, but she inevitably
ended up sleeping with him every night. They're very cuddly,

(55:19):
affectionate and sweet with one another, and him being a
great dad is one of my biggest attractions to him. I,
on the other hand, am not a super touchy feely
type of person. So when we put the kids to
bed at night, at Lias would crawl in April's bed
and they would read some stories, talk, fall asleep wrapped
in each other's arms. We with Josh was me sitting
in a chair next to his bed. We would also
read and talk, and I would rub his back until

(55:41):
he fell asleep, which is how we have operated since
he was like three. So when Atlas would fall asleep
with April, I would typically wait a bit and then
wake him up to come hang out with me before bed,
and we would go to bed together. It's also important
to note that the first few months of our relationship,
April only came to our house on weekends. Then she
switched to staying with us for the school year. That
year was fine, she would occasionally have nightmares and come

(56:02):
into our bed. It was uncomfortable for me, so I
let Atlas know and even went to sleep on the
couch a few nights when this happened. He tried to
be mindful of keeping her away from my side of
the bed, But about a year into our relationship, the
nightmares increased to the point that she was coming into
our bed almost nightly, and I was super uncomfortable. With this,
both physically and emotionally. So it was around fourteen months

(56:25):
in we started looking for a bigger place to accommodate
us because we knew we couldn't keep the kids together
in a room much longer. And our relationship was solid. See,
it feels like there's not giant problems so far. The
one's still scared. Yeah. The one thing that I'm trying
to figure out is because she the ages were what
seven and nine?

Speaker 7 (56:43):
Seven and nine men a little bit older, so it's
what nine and eleven?

Speaker 2 (56:47):
Yeah, I think.

Speaker 7 (56:47):
So everybody's like entitled to their own opinions and their
own feelings. It is interesting to me that she is
so like I was really uncomfortable with his nine year
old daughter, like coming in like after a nightmare.

Speaker 4 (57:00):
Like that's the one thing that's kind of flagging to me.
So I'm like, okay, oh, why.

Speaker 3 (57:03):
That to me seems pretty normal kid stuff or like
you have a nightmare and you come So I don't know.

Speaker 2 (57:09):
And because she did say both physically and emotionally uncomfortable too.

Speaker 4 (57:12):
I know, and I'm and I'm kind of like, I'm
not saying you can't feel that way right?

Speaker 2 (57:16):
Well, why, like, what's going on.

Speaker 5 (57:18):
There that you're like, I hate it she has a
nightmare and comes to.

Speaker 2 (57:22):
Her Bobby, I don't know. We were super blessed to
find an affordable three bedroom home in a great neighborhood,
and even though April was switching to her moms for
that school year, we figured we would get all of
us queen sized beds and use April's room for company
when it was vacant, and also he could go sleep
in her room with her when she has a nightmare.
Since our current setup sash situation was making me uncomfortable,

(57:45):
felt like the perfect solution. Now onto my issue. She's
at our home less, but as most married couples know,
weekends are sometimes ideal for spicy sleep time because you
don't have to be up super early for work. But
she's with us on weekends, and either he falls asleep
in there with her, or she'll come to the room
late in the night and he'll go sleep with her.

Speaker 1 (58:03):
Then.

Speaker 2 (58:03):
Even though this is the compromise I agree to, I'm
still feeling increasingly some type of way about the amount
of time he spent sleeping with her. Just to clarify,
I do not feel their relationship is inappropriate or he's
being creepy. I know their cultural background of co sleeping
being quite normal. I in no way feel judgmental. I'm
just struggling with feeling a bit envious, and I don't
want to say jealous because that makes me feel pathetic

(58:26):
since I'm not in competition with his child. But still
I do feel hurt, and I manage this by being
kind of cold and distant towards him the following day.
Not what I want to do. Nor am I proud
of this reaction, and just being honest. We have had
conversations about this, and it's kind of a stalemate. He's
already compromised by not allowing her in our bed, which
he's very thoughtful about. When we started this relationship, we

(58:49):
both agreed the kids come first, in the sense that
we had very established bonds with our kids and their
health and safety would always be number one priority. But that,
of course, is such a broad thing. Like we are
both spiritual, and our faith is one of the foundational
cornerstones of our relationship. In my faith, it says God first,
then your spouse and kids next, because it's important to
have the right balance in the family. This being the

(59:11):
first time both of us are formally married. We have
both taken our vows, commitment and intentions of our marriage
very seriously. We've attended therapy, read books, gone to marriage seminars.
All the professionals just say blending of family is hard.
A good blend can take up to seven years. Wow,
that's a long time. I guess it makes sense in
terms of.

Speaker 8 (59:31):
Like nurture is such a everybody's unique upbringings or some
specific that then you put them in the same house
even to something right having like a roommate or something,
and suddenly being.

Speaker 2 (59:41):
Like you refrigerate that. Yeah, that's fascinating.

Speaker 3 (59:45):
I've never seen anybody like the peanut butter or whatever.

Speaker 4 (59:49):
So I guess it makes sense where if you're adding
all this familial stuff into but yeah, seven years, it's
the Yeah.

Speaker 2 (59:55):
And I wonder too if that comes from like starting
kids after marriage, you know, like so it takes the
seven years of like them growing up to kind of
see how the kids are and how y'ah adapting to life.
I don't know, but I wonder if the kids already
being a bit older before they became a family is like, yeah,
affecting that.

Speaker 5 (01:00:15):
You're dealing with multiple a lot more personalities that have.

Speaker 2 (01:00:19):
Ever and like different experiences of growing up too. But
I'm still feeling defeated, even though it felt humiliating to
share these feelings with Atlas, because again, the jealous word
just feels cringe. When I did bring it up to
my husband, he had the sweetest answer that made me
love him even more. He said, I don't get to
be with her all the time, and I never want

(01:00:39):
her to be lacking the love that she craves because
when the time comes that she seeks attention and validation elsewhere.
I want her to have the highest level of expectations
because I've been there for her showing her what true
love looks like. That is really sweet. Ah, this made
so much sense to me, especially coming from a divorced
family with my own daddy wounds. My mind does not

(01:01:01):
want to feel this way, but I can't control my
heart and there is a little bit more to the story.
But that's sweet.

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
And I think somebody.

Speaker 4 (01:01:08):
Even mentioned it in the comments of like, oh, it's
good that OPI is self aware.

Speaker 1 (01:01:12):
You know, they're saying, you know, I don't.

Speaker 5 (01:01:14):
It's weird to like it is a weird, awkward feeling
to have we have awkward feelings as human beings are
the planet.

Speaker 2 (01:01:20):
I don't want to feel it's there.

Speaker 1 (01:01:22):
So it's like it's good. I'm glad she's there.

Speaker 6 (01:01:25):
But it's always such an interesting thing with these stories
where I feel like you always just kind of get
to the point where you're like, well, there's only so
much I has read it can do to help you say,
you just kind of got to sit and reflect or
like journal, you know, right.

Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
Right, yeah, And I mean a big thing that she
seems to be focusing on is like the kind of
intimate part of their relationship, and that is something that
I've I've heard married couples with kids have a trouble
with you know, like I'm obviously not married, I don't
have kids, but you know, I hear that people are like, well,
once you have kids, it's like you don't really have

(01:01:59):
time to do it any of that stuff. So I like,
I wonder if they just kind of need to figure
out their schedules and so when they can like have.

Speaker 1 (01:02:06):
Their get the planets out. Yeah right.

Speaker 2 (01:02:09):
Also a side note, he is such a great dad.
He doesn't treat her like a little princess all the time.
He has high standards for both the kids and loves
them wholeheartedly. He is firm but fair, while also being
very affectionate. Also, I have done everything in my own
power to not let my feelings affect how I treat April.
Of course I am closer to Josh because we know
each other more, but I am mindful not to mistreat

(01:02:29):
her or be harsher with her, even though I am
harboring those hard feelings. Part of me is just telling
myself to keep my head down and wait it out.
She'll get older and won't need or crave this level
of closeness with her dad. Nor do I feel like
my husband would find it appropriate to sleep with her
after peaberty. But I don't know. Am I the a
hole for harboring these feelings? Is there something else I
should do? Or say? Thanks? It really helps to get

(01:02:50):
it all out, and there are some comments. Comment number
one says, not the a hole for having the feelings,
but why are you cold to him the next day?
I'm hoping that was what you found yourself doing prior
to your common conversation and you no longer do it.
Don't punish him for being a good father, Congratulate yourself
for choosing a good man. I think it's great that
you've identified the emotion and have discussed it with your husband.
I also think it's wise to be mindful of how

(01:03:11):
you treat her and make sure it's not affecting how
you treat her. Perhaps consider counseling to explore why you're
hanging onto those feelings. This stage will pass come in
over two says. After kids go to bed, it's bonding
time with your partner verbally, physically. I can totally see
why you feel a second, and that's okay. Have you
looked at trying to find the cause of the nightmares

(01:03:33):
or the content? I personally dream so realistically that sometimes
I cannot tell if it happened or was a dream.
I've had to eliminate certain things from my life because
nightmares were so intense. Wow, it's drastically reduced mine, and
I'm no longer afraid to go to bed as a
full grown adult,

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}I CHEATED on my wife with my colleague… but now she’s hesitant! - r/relationship_advice | Reddit Stories | EP2306