August 4, 2025 • 53 mins
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r/AITAH - AITAH for telling my BIL his gf is no longer welcome in our home?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh John, Oh Sam, I love you so much.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I love you almost as much as the great stories
that are about.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
To come up. And you know what, I love equally
as much as the two minutes of sponsors coming up,
because they support the show and make sure that we
will have our happily ever after. I don't want my
brother in law's toxic girlfriend in.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Our home, then kick her out.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
I thirty female, and my husband twenty nine male, have
been together ten years whoa married five of those last
three years, we've been making our own traditions as my
in laws dynamic is incredibly toxic, and this is our
first home and we'd like to incorporate a little bit
of ourselves into our new traditions. I'm excited to hear.
(00:43):
So we now cook for my entire family and ourselves
and deliver it throughout the day on Christmas. That's cute.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
That is nice.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
By the way, this comes from Neither Evening twenty six
forty four And if you want to see your own stories,
go to the r slash Okay storytime. So I wrote
it so a couple of weeks ago, my brother in law,
nineteen male, graduated trade school and moved back in with us.
He asked if it was okay if his girlfriend, twenty female,
came over for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We said,
(01:12):
not a problem. Well last night it became a problem.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
Dang it.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
We were so close.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Brother in law's girlfriend is a I don't even want
to say what. I don't even want to say it
is a vegetarian. Oh I put this in quotations. That's
all I've ever seen or eat is mac and cheese
and pizza.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Those are vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Cheese pizza, those are vegetarian.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Wait, those are both vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
We decided we're making loaded mashed polapanio poppers, stuffed mushrooms,
deviled eggs, sweet potato cashle, candied gams, and ham.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
We have in the past tried accommodating brother in law's
girlfriend's diet and it was a complete waste of time
as she refused to eat anything we made all vegetarian based.
So we learned a few months ago we are not
catering to her difficult nature. It's not about diet. She's
just a pain in the butt.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
Waitang, all of those things, for the most part, seemed
like vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Like yeah, sweet potato castle, role.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
No, no, I think that they're saying that they did
make the first comment. They're saying she only eats mac
and cheese and pizza, but so they tried to accommodate
with vegetarian stuff. But the first comment makes no sense
because those are vegetarian. The second comment they're just saying
she doesn't eat it because I'm sorry, she's a pain
of the buck. Is she just a picky eater?
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I sound like sheetarian? Two things.
Speaker 4 (02:43):
That doesn't make you seem like a vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
But also so the things that she could be picky
making the loaded mash jalapeno popper is loaded mash? Is
that with like bacon stuff?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
That's a tough question, but a lot of this, Candied Yams,
I mean ham is not the only thing was hama.
The other stuff was.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Potentially think they're saying that she literally only eats mac
and cheese and pizza.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Oh yeah, maybe she's like a like a plain Jane. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Well, I mean also like a lot of people have
like like who are Nerdi vergent like safe foods, So
it could be.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
That an X that only ate white foods. What do
you mean? What do you mean like white food. White food. Yeah,
white food. She would only like she would like like
only like like bread and like alasta.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Those aren't white cheese, well.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
White white or off white and like cheese. But she
was she wasn't like vegetarian or vegetarian.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
She was just sometimes.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Yeah, she got over it, I think when she was
like sixteen or something for a long period. Yeah, in
her adult but she was still a piggy.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Eater, says yeah, my youngest inner texture texture issues.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Well, last night it came up that we aren't making
mac and cheese. Oh no, we made the viral tiny
mac and cheese for Thanksgiving. We decided to remake the
dishes from the Thanksgiving that got the most love and compliments,
the one that people most enjoyed. Most of our dishes
have lots of cheese in them as well as carbs.
We didn't want to add the mac and cheese.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
I will say, though, I understand that it's frustrating that
you're literally doing all of this work and then she's
maybe complaining about her something. But I feel like, if
you know that she only eats mac and cheese, and you're.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Going to take out the one thing that she can eat.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Yeah, it feels like, if you know she's going to
cause trouble, I would just make the mac and cheese, would.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Just get one of those instant I would just buy like.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
I would buy like mac and cheese for the store,
toss it to her, just so she doesn't make well.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
This girl lost her crap last night. She raised her
voice and kept yelling, what am I supposed to eat?
There's no baggage cheese. She was insistent and braiding my
brother in law until my husband stepped in and reminded
her they're adults and could go to the store in
the morning to make their own. She didn't like this
(04:59):
and continue to come planning. So I jumped in and
said that there is boxed mac and cheese they can
make themselves. I want to add that his girlfriend is
high functioning autistic. I'm not sure this behavior is partially
due to that, or if she's just a spoiled, rotten
brat who's never heard of no in her entire life.
But I do not want this behavior in my household ever. Again,
(05:21):
How the heck can I better navigate the situation while
she's still here for the next two days. I'm so
close to finding a dog friendly hotel and just going
there with my dog and husband until brother in law
takes his girlfriend back home. So am I the a
hole for telling him when he takes her home that
this will be the last time he's welcome here? Or
do I keep quiet until he asks if she can
(05:42):
spend the night here in the future, to which we
can kindly decline we have an update, But I want
to know. Yeah, is OP the a hole?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
I think that you could go to your is it's
the brother, right or the brother so it's her husband's brother, right, Yeah,
I think you can go to your brother and say, hey,
I don't really appreciate that, you know response from her.
There there's a better way of going about You're an adult. Yeah,
how Yeah? Amy Lynn says, yes, you're the angle only
(06:13):
because she has ASD, most likely with ARFID. I think
there is. I mean, OP, he's asking, is this related
to you know, autism?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
It probably, it could be. Probably. Just because you have
a diagnosis for something doesn't mean it excuses like behavior
that is negative towards other people. And I think it
allows you to understand it exactly and potentially navigate it better.
But I don't think like you can't just say, oh,
like she has autism, so yes, whatever wants, you know.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
I think it's a little like we're getting some like
Opie is an ale. I think it's a little bit
I don't want to say everyone sucks here, but I
think it's totally not cool that the you know, brother
in law's girlfriend is just screaming at Op for not
making mac and cheese. I think that if they knew
beforehand that she needed she can only eat mac and cheese,
then bring it or like.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Like it was out of spite.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, that's the thing why I.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Feel it is a little a holy if. That's why
I think she's a little bit of a hole that
there's someone.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Coming only eats mac and cheese, just eats.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Mac and cheese and is like already particular and it
is it that hard to have to not have mac.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
And cheese, Like she's just so easy you just buy it.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I think you can just buy it and have it. Yeah,
And so it did feel like it was if it's
all you.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Know, someone's gonna scream at you and then you set
them off.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Yeah, and that's what it felt like, a little like
a little bit o PI did. However, like like though
Op that there's a little a holy behavior there. I
think the much bigger a holy behavior is screaming someone
for someone for not making like what you like, right.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Yeah, I think that's why it's a little bit of
everyone sucks here. It's like op sucks for the intentions
behind not making or providing mac and cheese, because she
did it on purpose. And then obviously brother in law's girlfriend.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
Yeah, did they device that they wouldn't accommodate to her
anymore and then like, hey, bring your own food?
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Does that seem like they said No, I don't think
they did that. I don't think they Yeah, But also
it's I don't know. I think they did have some
I don't think they accommodated her specifically, but I think
they did have vegetarian options that she she could eat
how she says vegetarian. I think it's more along the
lines of, like I forgot what someone said with the
higher functioning autistic texture issues, Yeah, it's more that. And
(08:26):
but also maybe that wasn't communicated to to Ope either,
So it feels like there's a little bit of a
lack of communication on both ends. I don't think it
excuses the tantrum, but I do feel like we can
we understand.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
A little, especially if you knew they were coming, and
you could even do like, hey, we're making this, this
is what's on the menu.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, prepare for that.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Commander Waddell says her red mistake. She lives with them.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
They're tired of making mac and cheese every day. Does
she live with them? No, they've just been she doesn't.
They're staying the thing for Christmas, for the Christmas by
the way, this is Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, yeah, Christmas
even Christmas Day.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
She's staying with them.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
So what would you what I mean, you have the
relationship with the brother in law. I feel like if
I was Ope, I would say like, hey, can you talk?
Like I would tell my my husband to talk?
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah, maybe that's better right because there.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
And then I would be like, hey, like do you
think that kind of behavior is okay?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Also, are you okay? Is that the kind of same
dealing with in this relationship? Like, I don't know if
that's healthy. And depending on what the brother says, it's
like hey, like like she maybe it's like, hey, you
know she's high functioning autistic.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Yep, maybe it's not as high functioning as Opie thinks, yeah, yeah,
it was not.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
In like a bad way. But you know, like when
you have when.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
You have to work with it, that she needs extra help,
you know, like he could come and if he's like
coming out from that and where it's like she's high
functioning autistics. She knows this, She's trying to work on
these things, but you know, like there's these things that
just set her off, like yeah, like and I'm so sorry.
And if she comes in yeah and also apologizes, yes,
maybe we can, we can, we can.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
I don't think it's a jump to kicking her out forever.
I think it could totally be a hey, can we
sit down figure out what your food, you know, dietary
restrictions are, if we can accommodate. Maybe if we can't,
we let you know an advance so that you come
with your own food. Yeah, And it's just having that
adult conversation without anyone yelling, without jumping to like get
(10:18):
out of my house.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Yeah. I think there is a there's a lot of
tension right now that I think is having people jump
to at their throats right now.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
And also Kim Robber says, Sofia, how is cheese vegetarian?
I'm honestly curious. So vegetarian just means that you don't
eat meat. Vegan is when you don't have any dairy
products like cheese.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
There's a lot of different ones too. There's like lacto,
like they avoid dairy.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah, but it seems like a pie's brother in law's girlfriend.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
Is just a vegetarian or something.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
I don't Yeah, so vegetarian just means that you don't
eat meat.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
So let's I think, op, Are you the a hole?
Maybe a little slightly, especially if the mac and cheese
thing was done intentionally, which it feels like, I don't know,
like there may have been some there. Yeah, what should
you do from this point? Have a conversation absolutely with
your husband, to have a conversation with his brother. See
if you can learn more through that communication and live
(11:10):
more about no like movement on their side of like
any sort of apology, any size sort of movement. Then
may say, hey, like like until until we we like
until you can I don't know, be a little bit
more civil in our house, Like I don't know if
it's a good idea to come to come back?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Can you also scroll up to Okay, Billy Times, Thank
you I'm my functioning and I have avoid things that
could trigger a meltown because they absolutely suck and are
scary and take hours to recover from. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
So I also think someone else made a point about
high functioning meaning a lot of different things. Usually I
think means that they can just they don't have to
live with another person to take care of them. So
that doesn't mean that they're not experiencing like sensory overloads
or you know, meltown's like in this situation, It just
means that they're able to live without a full time care.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah. But let's let's see if maybe some communication happens,
because I think a lot of good could be and
it can happen, and if both sides understand each other.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Oh yes, come from a place of understanding and curiosity.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
So let us get on to the updates. My husband
took brother in law outside Wednesday night alone and had
a good conversation. Yes, this is exactly what we wanted.
Husband was actually a bit upset at how well brother
in law took the fact they were being told to
leave Thursday. He let brother in law know that him
blowing off my text saying one thing to his girlfriend
(12:25):
expecting something out of us without communicating it could have
saved him a big, unnecessary problem, and that due to
his lack of communication and our plans, they needed to leave.
So they left Thursday afternoon. I stopped acknowledging the girlfriend
after Thursday morning, when I said good morning to the
two of them. I'll be honest, I had a lapse
in better judgment and after being blown off as she
(12:47):
is looking me directly in my eyes, So basically OP
said good morning, and they like looked at her but
said nothing back. She raised her voice and said, okay,
I'll just have myself done. It would be like, hey, Sophia,
good morning. All right, I just go after myself. We
intend on sitting down and having a serious conversation with
brother in law when he gets home tomorrow. If anyone
(13:07):
has any suggestions or things that stick out to them
that they'd not allow to go unaddressed, please let me know.
We'll be taking him off of our easy pass. He
has a month to get his own phone plan and
he will be paying rent weekly and then maybe as
some time goes on he can be trusted we will
be changed at the monthly. He struggled with monthly rent
while away at school for whatever reason that may be,
(13:29):
and boundaries regarding his girlfriend, although now that he will
be responsible for the tolls forty to fifty dollars each
way if he visits, I don't believe he will be
bringing her back as he will only be allowed two
nights max per visit and as of now only on
weekends pre approved and no last second changing a two
day stay to a five days stay as that isn't
(13:50):
tolerated and they will be asked to leave like they
were this time. The immediate switch for brother in law
and respect towards me was immediately evident. Ran get the
trash cans out because the holidays they got messed up
and he had forgotten. It's only been back three weeks.
It's understandable trash goes out once a week a change
since he last lived with us when it was twice
(14:10):
a week, and then came inside to ask if he
should bring recycling out as well, like jumping to help
out after having consequences to his actions. So it sounds
like he's like trying to help out more because of
what has happened. Yeah, Also, they seem to be pretty
strict on him on the brother, the brother in law. Yeah,
I strict maybe.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Yeah, I was also going to say that adults, yes,
it feels like they're like his parents. But I was
also going to say I was thinking about that moment
of the girlfriend OPI saying good morning and the girlfriend
saying nothing, and then.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Her being like, okay, I'll just ask myself.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
I was thinking about a lot of times there are moments,
especially in like neurodivergency, you know, like when people are neurodiversient,
where you like don't want to talk to people you know,
and you just like need you have like silent time.
And I feel like that, like I don't know, maybe
she was just being like rude and ignoring OP, but
that was also like a possibility, and I feel like
to jump to okay, I'll just aft myself.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I mean I think it's what that does. Yeah, just
I feel like an opa even a bit. This I
wasn't in my best self, but yeah, it is. It
is like escalating things unnecessarily, Like I think even if she.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Was trying to ignore me, I would be like God.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
And also I don't know, I mean I'm confused as
to why it's so restrictive like this, Like two date.
I mean, like I understand not wanting the girlfriend.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
I didn't realize they had so much kind of control
over the brother in law.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Like the phone stuff, the phone stuff. I mean, I guess.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Maybe it's old that do we know how old the
brother is?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
I thinks by how old is the brother in law? Ops? Thirty? Female,
husband's twenty nine male and brother in law is nineteen?
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Okay, Okay, so that does add a lot of information.
I think these are nineteen year olds.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Nineteen and I think his his girlfriend is.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Twenty Okay, Yeah, I think op is. I think this
is a lot of intense reactions coming from them.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Again, I'm like, these are kids, Yeah, these are kids.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
These are kids.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
These are kids. I feel like, I feel like you're
acting a little bit like a kid.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
I really just feel like he his girlfriend, not even
the brother. The girlfriend had a moment where she like
started yelling at Ope, and I'll be was like, that's
not acceptable, kicked him out, and is now putting all
of these restrictions restrictions on the brother who's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
You know what, probably probably Yeah, she's just like I
want this guy out, Yeah, I don't want him staying here.
And I'm out of this situation, so I'm going to
like make it terrible for me, it terrible for him. Yeah,
but it was a little relief that, you know, he
recognized the consequences reactions and started to help out because
it reaffirmed he's willing and it is just that structure
(16:44):
and boundaries he is so lacking and eating. I'll try
my best update how our conversation goes. We got another update.
So last night brother in law brought to our attention
that his girlfriend is very upset. He doesn't feel we
communicate with her or try to get to know her.
My husband and I quickly responded that respect in communication
work both ways. From the moment I introduced myself to her,
(17:04):
his girlfriend has blown me off and hasn't acknowledged me once.
I even went so far as to run twet metaphysical shop.
When I saw her interest in crystals, I brought all
of my crystals, tarot cards, and astrology books down to
show her I was paying attention and listening to her interests.
It seems no matter what we do in the situation,
we are in the wrong. So halfway through her stay
(17:26):
last week, I opted to ignore her from good morning
to no thank you for her gifts or hospitality, no goodbye,
constantmands for booze or mac and cheese. We don't know
the girl enough to not like her, but I do
not like her behavior. It's childish, obnoxious, and demanding. We
pointed out how every single time she's come to visit,
(17:46):
she has blown both myself and my husband off. I
don't understand what it is the brother in law's asking
of us. We are not as parents it is our
responsibility to play twenty questions to get to know her.
Because I'm being completely honest, I personally don't care. I
have enough of my my own personal things going on
than to be worrying myself with how to carefully try
and communicate with my brother in law's girlfriend. I don't
(18:06):
have an issue communicating. She does. In order for a
conversation to take place, two parties got a partake in
the conversation. I'm happy brother in law brought up the
conversation regarding respect because I called out his very disrespectful
behavior as well as his girlfriends. He kind of rubbed
me the wrong way because here he is demanding we
respect his girlfriend, yet hasn't shown an ounce from the
(18:26):
moment he moved back in about a month ago. My
husband and I are giving ourselves the day to reflect
on the discussion we all had last night, and we'll
revisit sometime this week slash weekend. Have already gotten my
list of house guidelines slash expectations ready going forward. This
includes him being responsible for any guests he brings in
the house. I also called out the entire mac and
cheese ordeal and how inappropriate it is to behave that way.
(18:49):
This is not how adults communicates. Unfortunately, I see his
girlfriend being the beginning of his downfall. He begins his
dream job next week, and I fear he isn't going
to last long do the demands of his healthless girlfriend.
I'm at Peeve this morning, so this update may be
a bit judgmental and snippy. Yeah, but I'm yet again
at a loss for words the audacity, I guess. And
(19:12):
there is a third update.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
I really am having trouble here because I feel like
it is a little bit of an unreliable narrator moment,
and if we are to take a p at face value,
she's saying that this girlfriend is being rude and snippy
and blah blah blah, and I can't tell, like that
totally could be true.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
But also I'm like, what is the brother in law done?
I don't know, That's what I'm Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
What I mean.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Maybe maybe he asked He was like, hey, my girlfriend
feels like you guys don't really want to get to
know her.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
And she was like, dare he ask?
Speaker 1 (19:42):
How dare he do that?
Speaker 2 (19:44):
I don't I yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I think maybe maybe she's referring to both of them
being silent in the morning and not saying good morning,
which is but I don't know. I feel I don't know.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
I feel like this is a little bit of an
everyone sucks here kind of situation. It feels like the
girlfriend was rude. Yeah, whether that be because she is
autistic or not, it was like there was a rude moment.
It feels like, OHP, he doesn't really have an understanding
of her, this girlfriend's nerdivergency at all and is taking
everything very much to heart. But also it feels like
(20:16):
OHP's behaving kind of petulantly like the whole like, so
I ignored her, like you're thirty and she's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Yeah, it feels like you are I feel like what
you're doing is you're reflecting the same behavior that you're
that you're interpreting these kids are doing. And like, yes,
like understandable that you're maybe a little mad, but you
don't act like a nineteen year old back to a
nineteen year old. You will lose it that game. You're better.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
They're better at acting like a nineteen year old.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
They're better, and they'll do it forever. They'll live for
much longer. They'll drag you into the dirt. You don't
have that energy year old.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Not to say not to come here a fourteen year
old to a nineteen year old, because obviously a nineteen
year old is an adult. But like if a fourteen
year old, you know, yells at you because they want
to play Fortnite or whatever, you don't start yelling at
them and saying, oh, I want to play Fortnite. Yeah,
you know if you want to play Fortnite, Yeah, you
really want to play Fortnite.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
But we got an update. Yeah, someone said you're bullying
a neurodivergent kid is not us, No, no, he is
the lawyer. Princess says it feels a bit ablest. Yeah,
Lady Morgan says, I clam up when I meet new
people too, and susan As says, I agree with Sophia
oh Sam the caterpillar says, these are full grown adults
(21:27):
bullying and autistic. Freshel freshly adults actually adult autistic.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
I think that Ope totally could have been in the
right if she had approached this like the situation with
a little bit more maturity and it said, hey, brother
in law, your girl, Hey brother, your girlfriend was pretty
rude to us. We would love to help accommodate her,
but you know, we need a little bit of mutual
respect here, especially if you're going to stay in our house,
if we're going to provide food for you and just
(21:54):
give out those kind of requests rather than being like, you.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Guys are terrible, get out of my house.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yeah, you know, I agree, But you know what else,
I agree with the fact that we have a third
update and I'm gonna forge. So hey all, it's been
over a month since my last post, and I figured
i'd share the latest update for those who are interested
in the outcome of the situation. The beginning of January,
my thirty female brother in law twenty mail started his
dream career a month to the date after graduating. We
(22:22):
are incredibly proud of the only problem. The job is
an hour and a half commute one way on a
good traffic day. It's a lot of commuting, and his
first week he loved it. He was selling my hobby
twenty nine mail picks and videos throughout the week of
vehicles that were in the shop he thought were cool,
or videos of him learning something new. He's currently doing
maintenance work at the dealership he's been working at, but
(22:43):
intends on furthering his career and continuing his education through
work and through other programs offered for different certificates. He
leaves at five thirty every morning and was originally getting
home anywhere from six forty five to seven thirty at night.
He works five days a week, soon to be six.
His girlfriend, twenty female, lives two two hours from us
and three hours from his job Dang. Every Friday, he
(23:04):
leaves to visit her, sometimes from work, other times he
comes all the way home to shower she's in college
and I'm assuming he can't shower there, and then makes
a trip to her house, leaving him driving minimally five
hours in just one day.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
That's a lot of hours that is a.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Out of driving.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yeah, but I think it's not every day.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
I think it's like almost every day. That's impat just
one day he's.
Speaker 3 (23:28):
In just one day, like like he's doing this once
a week, but like at five hours one in that day.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
I don't know any more information.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Yeah, I mean I think it's I think it's maybe
up to five five hours a day. You will think
about it.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
He's seen her every day.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
And I don't think he've seen her, but like up
to five hours, yeah, yes, up to five hours are driving, Yes,
in a day. He then comes home Sunday to restart
his work week. Do the above. We have not seen
his girlfriend since it would be an insane amount of
driving for my brother in law to bring her back home.
Why is he responsible for all the driving, you may ask, Well,
she refuses to get her license. Yes, flat out refuses
(24:02):
at this point. Okay, pausing right here, Yeah, who cares?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Who cares?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I feel like you're writing like you care.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
I'm frustrated because that's the brother in law's decision to make. Yeah,
if you care, if she had a problem with it,
if he was like, hey, this needs to be fixed,
then they need of conversation and maybe that's where we're
about to learn. Maybe he has a problem with it.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
But like wise, do you read says she must be hot? Yeah,
all that way for a girl. Would never would never,
oh no a lot list Alie says, yeah, would never
do you in a few days. So why is he
responsible for all the driving? You may ask while she
(24:42):
refuses to get her license. Yes, flat out refuses at
this point as it has become a pressing issue in
the relationship and quite honestly, my brother in law's overall
well being in the last three months. This is what
I've noticed and experience. Brother in law has been getting
home at six fifteen every day. Absolutely it possible he
found the right root and perfect time to have a
(25:02):
smooth commute. However, when he gets home, he's flying. We
live in a neighborhood that's twenty five miles per hour
and blasting very loud and angry music. This person sounds
like the oldest thirty year old in the world. He's
going thirty, he's going thirty and a twenty five.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
He's listening to.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Devil's music. Those hips are not like about Satan, no judgment.
I listened to the exact same kind of music, has
been slamming doors, drawers, and cabinets, heavy, sighing constantly he's breathing,
and when he has asked about his day and how
it was work, we are hit annoyingly with boring. He
also blasted the same angry kind of music Sunday night,
(25:43):
despite knowing my husband and I were in the next room,
the living room, watching a movie, just being inconsiderate some context.
And it may sound silly, but he is so to
himself an introverted I, honest to god, wasn't even sure
he listened to music, especially the kind he's been listening to.
He also stopped showering daily. When I'm getting out here
is all these things are incredibly at a character for him.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Okay, with showering daily, make that I would be like, Okay,
I mean you could, yeah, yeah, if you've noticed shower
every day.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
But I feel like, well, if it's like.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
He's now showering every other day, you know, yeah, that's fine.
It seems like, oh, he's implying, like I feel like, hope.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
He could be implying that he just showers every other day.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
That's true. It could be.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Yeah, I feel like I hope he his nitpick in here.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
If it is possible that Op is saying, I've noticed
this huge change in his personality, and because.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
He's gone a big old his dream job and he's
working hard at.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
It, I think if you were coming from it with
a place of like, I'm worried about him because I
care about this boy and he's changed a lot, then
I understand get.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
This, Sophia. Okay, every single night he has what we
all refer to as his appointment with his girl, as
she calls every night ridiculous. Who has time to talk
to their girlfriend every night.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
At twelve at night with their doors open, with.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Their doors open for hour, and they wake up their
sister and then she wakes up looking like a ghoul
of the night, just staring at you, and then slams
your door. With every passing day, his frustration and annoyance
regarding these phone calls was becoming glaringly apparent.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Okay, so now he does seem like he's not in
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
He could just be tired. I don't think that is
a indicator.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
It's totally possible that Opia is correct.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Here, maybe, but I also think like that would be
totally projecting.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
We might be pulling our thoughts and feelings from the
first couple updates onto this, but it's totally possible that
OPI is correct here.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Well, let's see. So things really came to a head
when two nights ago we asked how work was and
he said, terrible.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
I actually, do you want to there's a possibility that
is not the girlfriend and it's just the job.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
The job is like really really.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Hard, I mean, and it's also an hour and a
half away.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Yeah, it might just be that the job is bad.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
That job is hard and.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
It's not the girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
Enough was enough, and my husband and myself had a
much needed heart dart with my brother in law. We
expressed our concern for as well being and recognize he's
incredibly overwhelmed. His girlfriend demands he visit her every single
weekend and if he doesn't, she will get really upset. Well,
he asked when he intended to take a self care
day for himself as over the last few weeks. My
husband vehemently expressed to brother in law that if he
(28:13):
didn't pick a day to rest, his body would pick
for him, and that very rarely ever happens at a
convenient time. Brother in law stated he didn't want to
lie and it wasn't a valid reason to not visit.
To catch up on rest and check in with himself.
I shared my top three concerns with him. What I
do not want him due to lack of rest, getting
in a car accident with his long commutes, I agree.
(28:34):
Do I don't want him to make a mistake at
work and end up injured or worse. As he works
on vehicles, One small mistake and you can end up
squished underneath a car or end up getting fired. And three,
he's going to lose his crap on his girlfriend, and
we know he doesn't want to do that, nor would
he mean it. I inquired about his girlfriend getting her license,
and he said that she'd consider it. I asked him
(28:55):
what the f that means, and he said he has
no idea. Barely clearly aggravated at the top, not towards
me the topic itself. I asked him what was stopping
her from getting it. She's turning twenty one this summer.
He told me she's afraid she'll get distracted and crash.
I asked what she would get so distracted by that
it would affect her driving? With some thinking, he says
a dog.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Okay, Okay, I.
Speaker 3 (29:18):
Do think that the brother in law is actually having
a problem with his girlfriend. I think Ope's finally become right.
I still agree with everything I said previously.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Yeah, I Sophia, I was never wrong.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
I was never wrong never how Yeah, I do think
that Opee is rightfully concerned about a young man who
is probably you know, figuring out his limits and right
now thinks that he doesn't have a limit.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Sanley Catto Fellow says he could end up squished, worse fired.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Okay, he could end up squished by it.
Speaker 3 (29:54):
Yeah. I think that these are all reasonable worries. Because
he's nineteen. It is a reasonable go as hard as
you can and be fine.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
I'm pretty sure. As my mom would always say, Sam,
you're birding the candle at.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
Both and yeah, I think my advice would probably be like, hey,
because I've had friends who have partners or other friends
who just expect a lot from them and it really,
you know, drains them, and they're taking calls in the
middle of the night, They're putting all this effort in
that they're not receiving back, and my advice would be,
don't approach this and be.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Like your girlfriend, Sack, she's being horrible to you.
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Be like, hey, I just want you to know that
you are allowed to ask for these things, and you're
allowed to expect, you know, her to come see you
in return. If she doesn't want to get a car,
let's look into public transportation. Maybe we mate halfway, because
it's unreasonable to expect this twenty year old who has
got a full time job to drive three hours, like
(30:55):
multiple times a week.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Yeah, no, it's a little bird ridiculous. But I'm pretty
sure he's just relaying what it is she's using as
excuses without actually putting any thought into it and just
accepting it as fact. I challenged it, and inevitably he
agreed that she needed to get her license, as he
was not going to get a place with her until
she does, so. I doubt he's had this discussion with
his girlfriend yet. And that's okay. Well, yesterday I did
(31:16):
my research for the state she lives in as to
how to get her license. Obviously, you must get a
permit first, perfect I made about fifty index cards. Illustrations
included where I could to help her study for and
take her permit test. Unless she goes to driving school.
She has to have her permit for six months and
then can test for a license. So does it solve
her driving immediately or as soon as we like?
Speaker 4 (31:39):
No.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
I'm hoping that if she's unwilling to even do this,
my brother in law can wake up and see that
this is hardly a relationship that is sustainable. Last night
I gave him the index cards great and I explained
to him how to go about helping her. I also
expressed that despite the pushback and resistance he'd receive, he
is not to back down. Stay for my boy, David,
button down the hatches, want.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Tofy the walls. That's an intense thing to do.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Yeah, for you, the night is lonely and dark terror.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I spent time making your index cards.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
I made this potion for you to help you on
your battle. As he isn't pushing her a license, he's
asking her to get her permit, which would be a
step towards her being able to get her license. She
refuses to get her license right now, so be it.
She can get her permit. It's an eighteen question test
and you need fifteen correct paths, no driving involved. If
she's unwilling to do this, I'm hoping he can see
(32:34):
that this is not the person for him. He needs
a partnership, not a dependent which is true. Yes, that
is a true statement. Last statement all right. After our
first conversation this week, the heart to heart things became
much lighter in my home. My brother in a lot
was more cheerful and talkative and not so reserved to
himself or so isolating. Essentially. Then, after last night's conversation,
(32:54):
I asked what his appointment was. When I tell you
his response contain more FM and any other words. To
be honest, I'm not sure what he said other than
f bombing every word, clearly getting fed up. He explained
he's told her he's going to shower and eat, but
yet again her call interrupted him mid dinner, and rather
than just letting it ring, he angrily got up went
(33:15):
to his bedroom And that was at eight fifteen, and
he never came back out of his room.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
He never came out again.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
We never saw him again. Yeah, man, this is the
norm and a huge part of the reason he's sleep deprived,
as well as not taking any time for himself. He
also shared how his girlfriend says he has terrible taste
in vehicles, which seemed to upset brother in law when
he told me, I pointed out, how the AF does
she know anything about cars? She refuses to drive, And
he's all excited, and I guess was validated and reassured
(33:44):
because he was.
Speaker 3 (33:44):
Like, right, exactly, yeah, and now we've come to the
point where this brother in law should not be in
a relationship with his girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Then the phone call came and away he went. I'm
hoping in the next few weeks that we can help
him understand and establish appropriate and healthy boundary for himself.
I don't know why he's answering those calls when his
girlfriend talks to him like that. I'll be sure to
update if there's any progress on his girlfriend's end, but
I doubt there will be, and hope that if that
is the case, my brother in law is capable of
doing what's best for himself and Sophia. Yeah, you thought
(34:15):
it was impossible. You said, Oh, there's no way there's
an update for you didn't believe it. Hey, Sam, we're
gonna get back to the stories. But here's three minutes
of bads from our sponsors.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
I did. I said that you spat.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
In my face at the idea of another eye.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
I did everyone saw it?
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Everyone saw it? But guess what, Sophia. Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you to prove you wrong, But there is
another update to man. Brother in law saga. Wow, this
woozy says, brother in law is figuring out what do
we think? All right?
Speaker 4 (34:48):
Right?
Speaker 1 (34:48):
We were kind of against Ope in the beginning. Yes,
I feel like we're coming around.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
I don't know if I'm going around Ope.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
I'm just coming around to the fact that maybe Ope,
Opie's brother in law shouldn't be with his girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (35:00):
Yeah. Well I think I think I'm coming around to
the idea that Opi is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that
like her? Don't we don't? Do we like your methods?
Speaker 2 (35:10):
No?
Speaker 4 (35:11):
No?
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Do we like her as a person?
Speaker 2 (35:14):
No?
Speaker 1 (35:14):
I'm not sure. I don't want to say no.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Yeah, no, I will say no.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
I might.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
I might love her in person. She just might not
portray yourself.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Yeah yeah, well over over writing, you know, does it
seem like the most affable of chaps.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Does the brother in law need to break up with
his girlfriend?
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Maybe? Probably, definitely, Yeah, I hope he does.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
I think, however, the brother in law needs to figure
that out. You need to provide.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
Your job baby, you are you are. You're putting him
on a little leash and guiding him every right, Yeah,
give him flash guards. You're giving him girlfriend basically fresh guards.
You're like, you gotta do this step and this step
and this deep and this step, and like you can advise,
but you can't live this relationship for no.
Speaker 3 (35:54):
I think you need to say, like, hey, I've noticed this,
this and this a little bit worried about you. And
then he comes to you and says, oh, my girlfriends
in that, and you say, yeah, that's not cool. I
think you know, just so you know, like you're allowed
to ask for those things in a relationship and you
don't say your your girlfriend sucks.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
You need a lever. You just in real people? Uh
uh has a really good point over here. His relationship
may be wrong for him, but op, he is just
an overbearing person. Yeah, boom, you hit the nail on
the head. Real person, real people, real people, real person.
They Yeah, this is an overbearing person. Breakup or not.
(36:31):
I think I would say breakup, but you gotta find
that out for yourself.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Yeah, I can't tell him to break up. You would
to listen to me.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
But we got an update four. So the last month
has been up and it's been down. About three weeks ago,
we really established healthy, open communication between myself thirty female,
my husband twenty nine mail, and my brother in law
twenty mail. My brother in law has gotten a promotion
and another certificate under his belt since my last update.
He is really just going after this crap, and I'm
(36:56):
impressed and incredibly proud. We make sure to celebrate these things.
I had made him cupcakes this week what he got
the certificate in promotion. He was in such a rush
to get to his girlfriends, I'm not sure he fully processed.
We had made cupcakes exclusively for his accomplishments. In the
last month, we have noticed a significant shift and his
usual behavior. For instance, he stopped showering daily. As long
as I have known him, despite doing nothing or working
(37:18):
all day, he was a daily showerer. Recently maybe three
sometimes two times a week, coming home with a face
covered in grease from work. He had thrown up in
the trash been in his bedroom almost two weeks ago.
He decided to drink a little and learned his lesson
that day and ended up sick. I smelled vomit so
strongly today and crossed my mind that maybe he never
threw it away. Turns out I was right. He threw
(37:39):
it out tonight and he's currently airing his room out.
As we air out the first floor, he's left what
my husband refers to as beached whales and the toilet bowl.
Not just once, this is a weekly occurrence, U greeted
with some mornings, man does not have enough time to flush.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
What I'm getting at is he is clearly distracted. Not
how he is in meaning Spear or my husband, but
his well being. He is neglecting himself in more ways daily,
and finally tonight we had a breakthrough. All Right, I'm
going to be honest. Some people had brought up these concerns,
but I thought they were a bit dramatic and not
really in the realm of possibility. But unfortunately there's a
(38:17):
lot worse than I imagine.
Speaker 3 (38:19):
Oh, maybe he needed the overbearing person tonight tacking on
everything finally brought the concern of him neglecting as well
being recently up to him.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
He also shared that we know something has been weighing
heavy on him and that he may not want to
talk to us now or us at all, but just
know we are always here. He said he doesn't feel
warmth or love the people he loved. This could possibly
be directed towards us as well, but the conversation went
right into his relationship per brother in law. We allowed
him to speak and express his feelings. He has no
(38:48):
idea what he's really feeling aside from being numb. This
ended up being about a three and a half hour
talk with all three of us. With the aforementioned promotion
my brother in law recently got. He is now working
six days a week instead of the regular forty hour week.
He commutes anywhere from fifteen to thirty hours a week
just with work. He's living here for multitudes of reasons,
so please do not suggest he moved closer to work.
(39:08):
That is not the root of his very real and
consuming problem. His girlfriend lives two hours away from us,
three and a half hours away from his job, and
since moving back home in December, his girlfriend made it
a point that he must visit every weekend. He obliged,
and then inevitably the toll of his very busy work
life was becoming clearer by the day, as well as
(39:31):
the unrealistic demands of his girlfriend. My husband and I
were aware of the unsustainability of the situation, and as
painful as this has been to watch the last couple
of months, our biggest and main concern was as well
being getting enough sleep and not getting hurt driving or
at work. I can't bother with any more context. Let
me just get to the point and hopefully someone will
have some advice or perspective to share to help me
(39:53):
help my brother in law navigate this incredibly toxic, bordering
armful codependent relationship. Is currently in two weeks ago, my
brother in law for the first time since moving in
up to stay home for his last full weekend off
of work. I have no idea the extent or the
details of what type of reaction you received from his
girlfriend because he just keep saying she gets sad well. Finally, tonight,
(40:16):
after letting him express himself for a good forty five
minutes uninterrupted, he finally shared that she threatens to do
some bad things to herself. He has shared his feelings
or lack thereof, regarding his girlfriend with his girlfriend lately,
and she urged him to get a therapist and speak
to myself and my husband to help him find a therapist.
So funny enough, this behavior, yeah, is incredibly effing familiar
(40:37):
to me as I behave similarly at that age. I
have borderline personality disorder, no excuses, just the diagnosis that
played a huge role of my behaviors and lack of
emotional regulation maturity, And I am now so grateful for
what an a hole I behaved like, because I understand
it from the other side, but that this is what
is scaring the crap out of me as well. I
did ask him if she was borderline. He says, she
(40:57):
thinks she does. If I'm being honest, I think there
is a lot of self diagnosing happening, more so than
legitimate diagnosis. Something has been off to me this entire time,
and tonight just solidified the uneasiness that I've been feeling.
I explained to him that if he is ever truly
concerned for her well being, being over one hundred miles
away from her, he could always call a wellness check.
This is clearly, though not fealthy, he said. He feels
(41:20):
as if he just isn't doing enough or can't do
anything right. In regards to his girlfriend, he shared, when
he goes to visit her, he folds her laundry and
takes her grocery shopping. I pointed out how kind that
is of him, considering what long, hard weeks he works,
then asked him what does she do for him.
Speaker 2 (41:38):
He sat pond her good questions.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
Hand on chin, and then said, that's a really good question.
I responded it wasn't necessarily to be answered right then
and there, but rather something for him to maybe put
some thought into. He eagerly agreed. I asked if he
was leaning towards making it work or if he was
ready to throw in the towel. He's flip flopping. But
if I'm being honest, I think he's done and it's
just consumed by the guilt and this emotional coercion. I
(42:02):
have therapy first thing in the morning and asked him
if he was okay if I asked my therapist for
some advice. He was happy and said, yes, thank you.
As soon as his insurance kicks in and we will
be helping him find a therapist, which is a great idea. Yeah,
man feels like he is going on going through the works. Yeah,
his girlfriend was right about one thing. I guess that
is one of the ways she helped. Yeah, all can
(42:23):
look at that. As soon as an insurance kicks in
will be helping him find another therapist, which is in
a few weeks. Until then, it's myself and my husband.
I am even more concerned for his well being than
I was previously, knowing what we know now. Yes, because
just so you know, there's another updated update five.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Oh my goodness, everything's changing.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Everything's changing. So with the knowledge that his girlfriend you know,
has potential BPD and is there's some emotional coersion going on,
what would you advise the brother in law to do?
Speaker 3 (42:57):
Oh, I mean, I think you keep advising him what
we've been saying before, of like telling him that he's
allowed to expect more from her and that he, you know,
basically just running himself ragged for her is not helping
her or him. You know, if he can't fill up
his own cup, he certainly can't fill up hers.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
I know. It's it's crazy that like he's you know,
helping her by groceries and folding your laundry's.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
Six days a week.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
Yeah, he's working six days a week. On his one
off day, he's taking care of all of her chores
and he doesn't even have time to flush his own dookies.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
Well, I think I think it's all. It's not even
like a time thing. I think it's you.
Speaker 3 (43:34):
You're just so absent minded when you're working this hard
and doing this much for other people that you don't
even like things simple things like even probably feeding yourself, showering,
just not even.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Those things go out the window. You're in trouble, in trouble, right,
like I think, you.
Speaker 3 (43:51):
Know, I think also talking to him about limiting it
work hours as well.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
Yeah, important.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
You don't want to you don't want to just burn
yourself out, like I think. I mean, I think the
ideal is, like you have your baseline habits to keep
yourself clean and healthy, right, So like maybe it's a
little working out, maybe it's some showering, some time to eat,
and then you can build on top of it, right,
But if you don't have those baseline habits done, you're
going to break yourself and not be You're not going
(44:16):
to be able to be the boyfriend, You're not gonna
be able to be the good worker.
Speaker 3 (44:20):
Yeah, and whatever we've said, we've come in a lot
about Ope. But I will say I do appreciate how
on top of it she is for this kid.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
She is.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
She is clearly cares.
Speaker 1 (44:31):
She definitely cares.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
She clearly cares about this kid.
Speaker 1 (44:34):
Reminds me of our mother. Yeah over maearing.
Speaker 3 (44:38):
But cars so true, Katie Paladin says, Wow, a fifth update.
When's last time we got a story with this many updates?
I don't know, I don't.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
Who knows, man, but you know what I know, and
I'm going to read its fifth update. Woo. So update five.
Over the course of the last maybe five weeks, we've
had really open conversations with brother in law and have
gotten him in with a therapist. Yeah, when he wasn't
comfortable doing therapy alone at first, so we have come
(45:06):
to two sessions and now he's ready to go on
his own. That's great. I like that. I will list
the reasons he's in therapy and why his relationship is
even more unhealthy than I was imagining. Girl got the tea.
His girlfriend is one hundred percent codependent on him and
has been using the term separation anxiety, making it so
that any outs of free time my brother in law had,
which wasn't much given his full time job in the commute,
(45:29):
he was to be on standby for a phone call
from her and he better answer it. Oh yes, that
is not good.
Speaker 2 (45:36):
No, no, no, not good.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
I mean I think, like, you know, it is normal
to maybe feel like a certain way when you're a
way from your partner, but like like to demand that
they answer or whatever is not not a good thing.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Yeah, it's like when you have like sometimes I'll see
people in relationships. You see this a lot online and
stuff of people being like I sent the good morning
text and he didn't set the good morning tex or
like we always call every night and he didn't call
me back immediately, or you know, I we always check.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
In every hour and they didn't check in that out.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
It's like you don't deserve, nor should you ask for
every minute of your partner's time.
Speaker 1 (46:14):
Yeah, that's how you suffocate a relationship. Again, I always
quote this. I always quote this, but my dad always
has this cool little jabron quote where it's like relationships
are like two bodies of water. They come together with
the rising tide, and with the lowering of the tide
they separate. People learn new things as separate bodies of water.
Something like that.
Speaker 3 (46:34):
Yeah, there's this like story about it's like a mythology
story about how originally it's men and woman.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
So this is a heteronormative.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
Expert disgusting grass.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
But it's about how like we used to be this
one pair and then separated, and I feel like I
want you to forget that. I don't like, wait what
it's like we used to we used to be like
one like multi limbed form thing.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
Oh used to be like oh yeah, like a four
four like.
Speaker 3 (47:00):
Women like a woman and man. Used to be like
one thing and then got separated, and like.
Speaker 2 (47:05):
Forget that.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
Like you, when you're in a relationship, you are not
one person. You know, you are two different people.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
You're like that whole story just brought up a story.
You're like that was a dumb story. Well, it was a.
Speaker 3 (47:19):
Story to explain, you know, why things are the way
they are. I just think the idea that when you
come together, you are one thing and your world revolves
around that person.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
Yeah, I don't think your world should actually ever revolve
around one person. One person the world should you should
be You should be a multi fact, you would being
because when your world revolves around one thing, that's when
you suffocate that world and then that world dies.
Speaker 2 (47:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
I think rather than like being the Earth revolving around
the sun, be the sun and all of your different
interests revolve around you.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
That sounds bad, but you know what I mean. Yeah, narcissists.
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Everything result.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Yeah, and you're just the little planet dancing around me.
More so, you should just have multiple interests.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Rather than Sophia is the sun.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
I have the sun. Everyone should think of themselves as
the sun.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Well, he did this. Going back to the story, so
we were talking about how he has to answer every
phone call from his girlfriend. He did this every single
day from the beginning of December until a week ago.
I suggested he take a break from the everyday phone calls.
He also set a limit on him visiting every weekend.
It was no longer happening. He was staying home every
other week on the weekends he works Saturdays, and the
(48:33):
weekends he was off, he wouldn't be getting to her
until Saturday than the Friday stuff he's been doing since January.
Come to find out, she has been doing something to herself.
He finally broke down to us and shared he doesn't
know what to do. He's spinning and he feels he's
entirely responsible for her so scary. After therapy sessions, my
brother in law is finally seeing the relationship for what
(48:54):
it is, the manipulation being used, the codependency, as well
as lack of autonomy. He has visited in two weeks now,
and I you know, that's that's really rough, But I
also don't want it to be rough for you. And
have you not visit us every two weeks? So you
should visit us every day because you can listen to
full episode to stories just like this. Go to Spotify,
(49:16):
Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app and search. Okay,
story time, Yeah there's another relevant update. And I swear
they put this done here. We're gonna get back to
this juicy story, but a quick three minute breakup ads
from our sponsors the exact worst spots worst spot every time,
and I love it. We got a little bit more
to this story, Sophia. But I mean, how do you, like,
(49:38):
how do you break up with someone that is unstable?
I think because I feel like you got a hot
potato them to someone else to take care of them.
Speaker 4 (49:46):
But I don't know how, you know, like a scale,
like how you let them down so gently, so lightly,
so hard.
Speaker 3 (49:52):
Yeah, I've never been in this relationship, like this situation
in a relationship, but I have had a friend in
a similar like a friend who was going through a
lot and was potentially like had threatened things. This was
a while, yeah, not like years and years ago, and
they would rely a lot on another friend of mine
and doing the scene where they would call every night
(50:13):
till two in the morning and just like really demanding
a lot for my friend. And then said this thing
that they would do online. And I like went to
a teacher and stuff and I was like, hey, this
is happening, and I think that's what you do. And
she that person got like very mad at me for
doing that. But and she your girlfriend, the brother in
(50:35):
law's girlfriend, probably will react very poorly if he does
reach out to someone, if he does try and get
her help. But I think it has to be done
either way, because you are not I think it's telling
him that he is not equipped to save her.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
He cannot save her.
Speaker 3 (50:47):
Yeah, she's the only one who could say herself, but
to help her he did.
Speaker 1 (50:52):
One of the reasons that she may be mad is
like you are now taking the power away from those
actions used to control control you.
Speaker 3 (50:59):
Yeah, So I think it's just telling him that he's
just he's on a professional he can't help her. And
if he wants to help her. The best way to
do that is to find that professional to talk to
her support system. Hopefully she has that inner like family
or something, some sort of adult figure in her life. Like, yes,
he is an adult, but like you know someone who
actually has kind of maybe she's dependent to, like a
(51:21):
parent or something like that.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
But it sounds like your parents are not involved.
Speaker 2 (51:24):
Yeah, which is true.
Speaker 3 (51:25):
Tough.
Speaker 1 (51:26):
Yeah, yeah, find someone else that you can pass off
this responsibility too.
Speaker 2 (51:30):
Yeah, Faith reacts, as he could talk to his therapist
to get advice on that. That's a great point.
Speaker 1 (51:34):
A good point. That's a good point. But I got
a little bit more of this story, so we're to
jump in. He shared his concerns and his girlfriend said
she understood he needs space. She's not hearing him at all,
as space is the least of his problems. He's tried
in the last month setting boundaries, to which all attempts failed.
Well after this past weekend of not visiting, she was
on spring break and decided to take a leave of
absence from school to her mental health tanking from the relationship.
(51:56):
She told him if he leaves her, she will be
checking herself into a psychiatric hospital. Revving up the copulation. Good, honestly,
not at that.
Speaker 2 (52:04):
He's amazing.
Speaker 1 (52:05):
I'd be like, oh, oh, oh good, okay, great, I
mean not great.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
But like like, I mean, honestly, yes, good for her.
She needs that.
Speaker 1 (52:13):
Last night I asked my brother in a lot how
things were going, and he just loudly exhaled and opened
his phone, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, and showed me
novel length texts she's been sending. He has not responded.
I'm hoping this is the beginning of his exit, as
he has been much lighter and cheerful since therapy. He's
humming when he's walking around the house, joining us for dinner,
hanging out with us in some of his free time,
showering daily, and taking some time for him. I wish
(52:37):
his girl friend and nothing but the best, and hope
she can get better for herself. But it's nice seeing
my brother in law smile and laugh again. He's been
traumatized his entire life, and seeing him in such an
unhealthy dynamic as borderline sickening. Because I love him dearly.
Speaker 2 (52:52):
Wow, Oh he must feel so vindicated.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
Whoooo yeah, dude, Oh he feels great. She's like I
saw this from the beginning, but she didn't say hi,
what wasn't she what she wanted that mac and cheese.
I knew the beginning of got vegetarianism.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
You got it, You got us. Op. Opie wins this round.
Speaker 1 (53:15):
O p wins this round. But tell me what you think.
Was OP too overbearing? Was OP too much? Was OP
the a hole at certain points in this story let
us know. Put your answers in the comments below. But
that's where that story ends, and that episode gosh darn
toutin flad putin. So if you love us, make sure
(53:37):
to subscribe We love you, and see it tomorrow
Oh John, Oh Sam, I love you so much.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I love you almost as much as the great stories
that are about.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
To come up. And you know what, I love equally
as much as the two minutes of sponsors coming up,
because they support the show and make sure that we
will have our happily ever after. I don't want my
brother in law's toxic girlfriend in.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Our home, then kick her out.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
I thirty female, and my husband twenty nine male, have
been together ten years whoa married five of those last
three years, we've been making our own traditions as my
in laws dynamic is incredibly toxic, and this is our
first home and we'd like to incorporate a little bit
of ourselves into our new traditions. I'm excited to hear.
(00:43):
So we now cook for my entire family and ourselves
and deliver it throughout the day on Christmas. That's cute.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
That is nice.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
By the way, this comes from Neither Evening twenty six
forty four And if you want to see your own stories,
go to the r slash Okay storytime. So I wrote
it so a couple of weeks ago, my brother in law,
nineteen male, graduated trade school and moved back in with us.
He asked if it was okay if his girlfriend, twenty female,
came over for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We said,
(01:12):
not a problem. Well last night it became a problem.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
Dang it.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
We were so close.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Brother in law's girlfriend is a I don't even want
to say what. I don't even want to say it
is a vegetarian. Oh I put this in quotations. That's
all I've ever seen or eat is mac and cheese
and pizza.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Those are vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Cheese pizza, those are vegetarian.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Wait, those are both vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
We decided we're making loaded mashed polapanio poppers, stuffed mushrooms,
deviled eggs, sweet potato cashle, candied gams, and ham.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
We have in the past tried accommodating brother in law's
girlfriend's diet and it was a complete waste of time
as she refused to eat anything we made all vegetarian based.
So we learned a few months ago we are not
catering to her difficult nature. It's not about diet. She's
just a pain in the butt.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
Waitang, all of those things, for the most part, seemed
like vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Like yeah, sweet potato castle, role.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
No, no, I think that they're saying that they did
make the first comment. They're saying she only eats mac
and cheese and pizza, but so they tried to accommodate
with vegetarian stuff. But the first comment makes no sense
because those are vegetarian. The second comment they're just saying
she doesn't eat it because I'm sorry, she's a pain
of the buck. Is she just a picky eater?
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I sound like sheetarian? Two things.
Speaker 4 (02:43):
That doesn't make you seem like a vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
But also so the things that she could be picky
making the loaded mash jalapeno popper is loaded mash? Is
that with like bacon stuff?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
That's a tough question, but a lot of this, Candied Yams,
I mean ham is not the only thing was hama.
The other stuff was.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Potentially think they're saying that she literally only eats mac
and cheese and pizza.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Oh yeah, maybe she's like a like a plain Jane. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Well, I mean also like a lot of people have
like like who are Nerdi vergent like safe foods, So
it could be.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
That an X that only ate white foods. What do
you mean? What do you mean like white food. White food. Yeah,
white food. She would only like she would like like
only like like bread and like alasta.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Those aren't white cheese, well.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
White white or off white and like cheese. But she
was she wasn't like vegetarian or vegetarian.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
She was just sometimes.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Yeah, she got over it, I think when she was
like sixteen or something for a long period. Yeah, in
her adult but she was still a piggy.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Eater, says yeah, my youngest inner texture texture issues.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Well, last night it came up that we aren't making
mac and cheese. Oh no, we made the viral tiny
mac and cheese for Thanksgiving. We decided to remake the
dishes from the Thanksgiving that got the most love and compliments,
the one that people most enjoyed. Most of our dishes
have lots of cheese in them as well as carbs.
We didn't want to add the mac and cheese.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
I will say, though, I understand that it's frustrating that
you're literally doing all of this work and then she's
maybe complaining about her something. But I feel like, if
you know that she only eats mac and cheese, and you're.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Going to take out the one thing that she can eat.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Yeah, it feels like, if you know she's going to
cause trouble, I would just make the mac and cheese, would.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Just get one of those instant I would just buy like.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
I would buy like mac and cheese for the store,
toss it to her, just so she doesn't make well.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
This girl lost her crap last night. She raised her
voice and kept yelling, what am I supposed to eat?
There's no baggage cheese. She was insistent and braiding my
brother in law until my husband stepped in and reminded
her they're adults and could go to the store in
the morning to make their own. She didn't like this
(04:59):
and continue to come planning. So I jumped in and
said that there is boxed mac and cheese they can
make themselves. I want to add that his girlfriend is
high functioning autistic. I'm not sure this behavior is partially
due to that, or if she's just a spoiled, rotten
brat who's never heard of no in her entire life.
But I do not want this behavior in my household ever. Again,
(05:21):
How the heck can I better navigate the situation while
she's still here for the next two days. I'm so
close to finding a dog friendly hotel and just going
there with my dog and husband until brother in law
takes his girlfriend back home. So am I the a
hole for telling him when he takes her home that
this will be the last time he's welcome here? Or
do I keep quiet until he asks if she can
(05:42):
spend the night here in the future, to which we
can kindly decline we have an update, But I want
to know. Yeah, is OP the a hole?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
I think that you could go to your is it's
the brother, right or the brother so it's her husband's brother, right, Yeah,
I think you can go to your brother and say, hey,
I don't really appreciate that, you know response from her.
There there's a better way of going about You're an adult. Yeah,
how Yeah? Amy Lynn says, yes, you're the angle only
(06:13):
because she has ASD, most likely with ARFID. I think
there is. I mean, OP, he's asking, is this related
to you know, autism?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
It probably, it could be. Probably. Just because you have
a diagnosis for something doesn't mean it excuses like behavior
that is negative towards other people. And I think it
allows you to understand it exactly and potentially navigate it better.
But I don't think like you can't just say, oh,
like she has autism, so yes, whatever wants, you know.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
I think it's a little like we're getting some like
Opie is an ale. I think it's a little bit
I don't want to say everyone sucks here, but I
think it's totally not cool that the you know, brother
in law's girlfriend is just screaming at Op for not
making mac and cheese. I think that if they knew
beforehand that she needed she can only eat mac and cheese,
then bring it or like.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Like it was out of spite.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, that's the thing why I.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Feel it is a little a holy if. That's why
I think she's a little bit of a hole that
there's someone.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Coming only eats mac and cheese, just eats.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Mac and cheese and is like already particular and it
is it that hard to have to not have mac.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
And cheese, Like she's just so easy you just buy it.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I think you can just buy it and have it. Yeah,
And so it did feel like it was if it's
all you.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Know, someone's gonna scream at you and then you set
them off.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Yeah, and that's what it felt like, a little like
a little bit o PI did. However, like like though
Op that there's a little a holy behavior there. I
think the much bigger a holy behavior is screaming someone
for someone for not making like what you like, right.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Yeah, I think that's why it's a little bit of
everyone sucks here. It's like op sucks for the intentions
behind not making or providing mac and cheese, because she
did it on purpose. And then obviously brother in law's girlfriend.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
Yeah, did they device that they wouldn't accommodate to her
anymore and then like, hey, bring your own food?
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Does that seem like they said No, I don't think
they did that. I don't think they Yeah, But also
it's I don't know. I think they did have some
I don't think they accommodated her specifically, but I think
they did have vegetarian options that she she could eat
how she says vegetarian. I think it's more along the
lines of, like I forgot what someone said with the
higher functioning autistic texture issues, Yeah, it's more that. And
(08:26):
but also maybe that wasn't communicated to to Ope either,
So it feels like there's a little bit of a
lack of communication on both ends. I don't think it
excuses the tantrum, but I do feel like we can
we understand.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
A little, especially if you knew they were coming, and
you could even do like, hey, we're making this, this
is what's on the menu.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, prepare for that.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Commander Waddell says her red mistake. She lives with them.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
They're tired of making mac and cheese every day. Does
she live with them? No, they've just been she doesn't.
They're staying the thing for Christmas, for the Christmas by
the way, this is Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, yeah, Christmas
even Christmas Day.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
She's staying with them.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
So what would you what I mean, you have the
relationship with the brother in law. I feel like if
I was Ope, I would say like, hey, can you talk?
Like I would tell my my husband to talk?
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah, maybe that's better right because there.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
And then I would be like, hey, like do you
think that kind of behavior is okay?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Also, are you okay? Is that the kind of same
dealing with in this relationship? Like, I don't know if
that's healthy. And depending on what the brother says, it's
like hey, like like she maybe it's like, hey, you
know she's high functioning autistic.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Yep, maybe it's not as high functioning as Opie thinks, yeah, yeah,
it was not.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
In like a bad way. But you know, like when
you have when.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
You have to work with it, that she needs extra help,
you know, like he could come and if he's like
coming out from that and where it's like she's high
functioning autistics. She knows this, She's trying to work on
these things, but you know, like there's these things that
just set her off, like yeah, like and I'm so sorry.
And if she comes in yeah and also apologizes, yes,
maybe we can, we can, we can.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
I don't think it's a jump to kicking her out forever.
I think it could totally be a hey, can we
sit down figure out what your food, you know, dietary
restrictions are, if we can accommodate. Maybe if we can't,
we let you know an advance so that you come
with your own food. Yeah, And it's just having that
adult conversation without anyone yelling, without jumping to like get
(10:18):
out of my house.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Yeah. I think there is a there's a lot of
tension right now that I think is having people jump
to at their throats right now.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
And also Kim Robber says, Sofia, how is cheese vegetarian?
I'm honestly curious. So vegetarian just means that you don't
eat meat. Vegan is when you don't have any dairy
products like cheese.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
There's a lot of different ones too. There's like lacto,
like they avoid dairy.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah, but it seems like a pie's brother in law's girlfriend.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
Is just a vegetarian or something.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
I don't Yeah, so vegetarian just means that you don't
eat meat.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
So let's I think, op, Are you the a hole?
Maybe a little slightly, especially if the mac and cheese
thing was done intentionally, which it feels like, I don't know,
like there may have been some there. Yeah, what should
you do from this point? Have a conversation absolutely with
your husband, to have a conversation with his brother. See
if you can learn more through that communication and live
(11:10):
more about no like movement on their side of like
any sort of apology, any size sort of movement. Then
may say, hey, like like until until we we like
until you can I don't know, be a little bit
more civil in our house, Like I don't know if
it's a good idea to come to come back?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Can you also scroll up to Okay, Billy Times, Thank
you I'm my functioning and I have avoid things that
could trigger a meltown because they absolutely suck and are
scary and take hours to recover from. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
So I also think someone else made a point about
high functioning meaning a lot of different things. Usually I
think means that they can just they don't have to
live with another person to take care of them. So
that doesn't mean that they're not experiencing like sensory overloads
or you know, meltown's like in this situation, It just
means that they're able to live without a full time care.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah. But let's let's see if maybe some communication happens,
because I think a lot of good could be and
it can happen, and if both sides understand each other.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Oh yes, come from a place of understanding and curiosity.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
So let us get on to the updates. My husband
took brother in law outside Wednesday night alone and had
a good conversation. Yes, this is exactly what we wanted.
Husband was actually a bit upset at how well brother
in law took the fact they were being told to
leave Thursday. He let brother in law know that him
blowing off my text saying one thing to his girlfriend
(12:25):
expecting something out of us without communicating it could have
saved him a big, unnecessary problem, and that due to
his lack of communication and our plans, they needed to leave.
So they left Thursday afternoon. I stopped acknowledging the girlfriend
after Thursday morning, when I said good morning to the
two of them. I'll be honest, I had a lapse
in better judgment and after being blown off as she
(12:47):
is looking me directly in my eyes, So basically OP
said good morning, and they like looked at her but
said nothing back. She raised her voice and said, okay,
I'll just have myself done. It would be like, hey, Sophia,
good morning. All right, I just go after myself. We
intend on sitting down and having a serious conversation with
brother in law when he gets home tomorrow. If anyone
(13:07):
has any suggestions or things that stick out to them
that they'd not allow to go unaddressed, please let me know.
We'll be taking him off of our easy pass. He
has a month to get his own phone plan and
he will be paying rent weekly and then maybe as
some time goes on he can be trusted we will
be changed at the monthly. He struggled with monthly rent
while away at school for whatever reason that may be,
(13:29):
and boundaries regarding his girlfriend, although now that he will
be responsible for the tolls forty to fifty dollars each
way if he visits, I don't believe he will be
bringing her back as he will only be allowed two
nights max per visit and as of now only on
weekends pre approved and no last second changing a two
day stay to a five days stay as that isn't
(13:50):
tolerated and they will be asked to leave like they
were this time. The immediate switch for brother in law
and respect towards me was immediately evident. Ran get the
trash cans out because the holidays they got messed up
and he had forgotten. It's only been back three weeks.
It's understandable trash goes out once a week a change
since he last lived with us when it was twice
(14:10):
a week, and then came inside to ask if he
should bring recycling out as well, like jumping to help
out after having consequences to his actions. So it sounds
like he's like trying to help out more because of
what has happened. Yeah, Also, they seem to be pretty
strict on him on the brother, the brother in law. Yeah,
I strict maybe.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Yeah, I was also going to say that adults, yes,
it feels like they're like his parents. But I was
also going to say I was thinking about that moment
of the girlfriend OPI saying good morning and the girlfriend
saying nothing, and then.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Her being like, okay, I'll just ask myself.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
I was thinking about a lot of times there are moments,
especially in like neurodivergency, you know, like when people are neurodiversient,
where you like don't want to talk to people you know,
and you just like need you have like silent time.
And I feel like that, like I don't know, maybe
she was just being like rude and ignoring OP, but
that was also like a possibility, and I feel like
to jump to okay, I'll just aft myself.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I mean I think it's what that does. Yeah, just
I feel like an opa even a bit. This I
wasn't in my best self, but yeah, it is. It
is like escalating things unnecessarily, Like I think even if she.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Was trying to ignore me, I would be like God.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
And also I don't know, I mean I'm confused as
to why it's so restrictive like this, Like two date.
I mean, like I understand not wanting the girlfriend.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
I didn't realize they had so much kind of control
over the brother in law.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Like the phone stuff, the phone stuff. I mean, I guess.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Maybe it's old that do we know how old the
brother is?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
I thinks by how old is the brother in law? Ops? Thirty? Female,
husband's twenty nine male and brother in law is nineteen?
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Okay, Okay, so that does add a lot of information.
I think these are nineteen year olds.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
Nineteen and I think his his girlfriend is.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Twenty Okay, Yeah, I think op is. I think this
is a lot of intense reactions coming from them.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Again, I'm like, these are kids, Yeah, these are kids.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
These are kids.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
These are kids. I feel like, I feel like you're
acting a little bit like a kid.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
I really just feel like he his girlfriend, not even
the brother. The girlfriend had a moment where she like
started yelling at Ope, and I'll be was like, that's
not acceptable, kicked him out, and is now putting all
of these restrictions restrictions on the brother who's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
You know what, probably probably Yeah, she's just like I
want this guy out, Yeah, I don't want him staying here.
And I'm out of this situation, so I'm going to
like make it terrible for me, it terrible for him. Yeah,
but it was a little relief that, you know, he
recognized the consequences reactions and started to help out because
it reaffirmed he's willing and it is just that structure
(16:44):
and boundaries he is so lacking and eating. I'll try
my best update how our conversation goes. We got another update.
So last night brother in law brought to our attention
that his girlfriend is very upset. He doesn't feel we
communicate with her or try to get to know her.
My husband and I quickly responded that respect in communication
work both ways. From the moment I introduced myself to her,
(17:04):
his girlfriend has blown me off and hasn't acknowledged me once.
I even went so far as to run twet metaphysical shop.
When I saw her interest in crystals, I brought all
of my crystals, tarot cards, and astrology books down to
show her I was paying attention and listening to her interests.
It seems no matter what we do in the situation,
we are in the wrong. So halfway through her stay
(17:26):
last week, I opted to ignore her from good morning
to no thank you for her gifts or hospitality, no goodbye,
constantmands for booze or mac and cheese. We don't know
the girl enough to not like her, but I do
not like her behavior. It's childish, obnoxious, and demanding. We
pointed out how every single time she's come to visit,
(17:46):
she has blown both myself and my husband off. I
don't understand what it is the brother in law's asking
of us. We are not as parents it is our
responsibility to play twenty questions to get to know her.
Because I'm being completely honest, I personally don't care. I
have enough of my my own personal things going on
than to be worrying myself with how to carefully try
and communicate with my brother in law's girlfriend. I don't
(18:06):
have an issue communicating. She does. In order for a
conversation to take place, two parties got a partake in
the conversation. I'm happy brother in law brought up the
conversation regarding respect because I called out his very disrespectful
behavior as well as his girlfriends. He kind of rubbed
me the wrong way because here he is demanding we
respect his girlfriend, yet hasn't shown an ounce from the
(18:26):
moment he moved back in about a month ago. My
husband and I are giving ourselves the day to reflect
on the discussion we all had last night, and we'll
revisit sometime this week slash weekend. Have already gotten my
list of house guidelines slash expectations ready going forward. This
includes him being responsible for any guests he brings in
the house. I also called out the entire mac and
cheese ordeal and how inappropriate it is to behave that way.
(18:49):
This is not how adults communicates. Unfortunately, I see his
girlfriend being the beginning of his downfall. He begins his
dream job next week, and I fear he isn't going
to last long do the demands of his healthless girlfriend.
I'm at Peeve this morning, so this update may be
a bit judgmental and snippy. Yeah, but I'm yet again
at a loss for words the audacity, I guess. And
(19:12):
there is a third update.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
I really am having trouble here because I feel like
it is a little bit of an unreliable narrator moment,
and if we are to take a p at face value,
she's saying that this girlfriend is being rude and snippy
and blah blah blah, and I can't tell, like that
totally could be true.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
But also I'm like, what is the brother in law done?
I don't know, That's what I'm Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
What I mean.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Maybe maybe he asked He was like, hey, my girlfriend
feels like you guys don't really want to get to
know her.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
And she was like, dare he ask?
Speaker 1 (19:42):
How dare he do that?
Speaker 2 (19:44):
I don't I yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
I think maybe maybe she's referring to both of them
being silent in the morning and not saying good morning,
which is but I don't know. I feel I don't know.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
I feel like this is a little bit of an
everyone sucks here kind of situation. It feels like the
girlfriend was rude. Yeah, whether that be because she is
autistic or not, it was like there was a rude moment.
It feels like, OHP, he doesn't really have an understanding
of her, this girlfriend's nerdivergency at all and is taking
everything very much to heart. But also it feels like
(20:16):
OHP's behaving kind of petulantly like the whole like, so
I ignored her, like you're thirty and she's nineteen.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Yeah, it feels like you are I feel like what
you're doing is you're reflecting the same behavior that you're
that you're interpreting these kids are doing. And like, yes,
like understandable that you're maybe a little mad, but you
don't act like a nineteen year old back to a
nineteen year old. You will lose it that game. You're better.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
They're better at acting like a nineteen year old.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
They're better, and they'll do it forever. They'll live for
much longer. They'll drag you into the dirt. You don't
have that energy year old.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
Not to say not to come here a fourteen year
old to a nineteen year old, because obviously a nineteen
year old is an adult. But like if a fourteen
year old, you know, yells at you because they want
to play Fortnite or whatever, you don't start yelling at
them and saying, oh, I want to play Fortnite. Yeah,
you know if you want to play Fortnite, Yeah, you
really want to play Fortnite.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
But we got an update. Yeah, someone said you're bullying
a neurodivergent kid is not us, No, no, he is
the lawyer. Princess says it feels a bit ablest. Yeah,
Lady Morgan says, I clam up when I meet new
people too, and susan As says, I agree with Sophia
oh Sam the caterpillar says, these are full grown adults
(21:27):
bullying and autistic. Freshel freshly adults actually adult autistic.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
I think that Ope totally could have been in the
right if she had approached this like the situation with
a little bit more maturity and it said, hey, brother
in law, your girl, Hey brother, your girlfriend was pretty
rude to us. We would love to help accommodate her,
but you know, we need a little bit of mutual
respect here, especially if you're going to stay in our house,
if we're going to provide food for you and just
(21:54):
give out those kind of requests rather than being like, you.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Guys are terrible, get out of my house.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yeah, you know, I agree, But you know what else,
I agree with the fact that we have a third
update and I'm gonna forge. So hey all, it's been
over a month since my last post, and I figured
i'd share the latest update for those who are interested
in the outcome of the situation. The beginning of January,
my thirty female brother in law twenty mail started his
dream career a month to the date after graduating. We
(22:22):
are incredibly proud of the only problem. The job is
an hour and a half commute one way on a
good traffic day. It's a lot of commuting, and his
first week he loved it. He was selling my hobby
twenty nine mail picks and videos throughout the week of
vehicles that were in the shop he thought were cool,
or videos of him learning something new. He's currently doing
maintenance work at the dealership he's been working at, but
(22:43):
intends on furthering his career and continuing his education through
work and through other programs offered for different certificates. He
leaves at five thirty every morning and was originally getting
home anywhere from six forty five to seven thirty at night.
He works five days a week, soon to be six.
His girlfriend, twenty female, lives two two hours from us
and three hours from his job Dang. Every Friday, he
(23:04):
leaves to visit her, sometimes from work, other times he
comes all the way home to shower she's in college
and I'm assuming he can't shower there, and then makes
a trip to her house, leaving him driving minimally five
hours in just one day.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
That's a lot of hours that is a.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Out of driving.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yeah, but I think it's not every day.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
I think it's like almost every day. That's impat just
one day he's.
Speaker 3 (23:28):
In just one day, like like he's doing this once
a week, but like at five hours one in that day.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
I don't know any more information.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Yeah, I mean I think it's I think it's maybe
up to five five hours a day. You will think
about it.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
He's seen her every day.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
And I don't think he've seen her, but like up
to five hours, yeah, yes, up to five hours are driving, Yes,
in a day. He then comes home Sunday to restart
his work week. Do the above. We have not seen
his girlfriend since it would be an insane amount of
driving for my brother in law to bring her back home.
Why is he responsible for all the driving, you may ask, Well,
she refuses to get her license. Yes, flat out refuses
(24:02):
at this point. Okay, pausing right here, Yeah, who cares?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Who cares?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I feel like you're writing like you care.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
I'm frustrated because that's the brother in law's decision to make. Yeah,
if you care, if she had a problem with it,
if he was like, hey, this needs to be fixed,
then they need of conversation and maybe that's where we're
about to learn. Maybe he has a problem with it.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
But like wise, do you read says she must be hot? Yeah,
all that way for a girl. Would never would never,
oh no a lot list Alie says, yeah, would never
do you in a few days. So why is he
responsible for all the driving? You may ask while she
(24:42):
refuses to get her license. Yes, flat out refuses at
this point as it has become a pressing issue in
the relationship and quite honestly, my brother in law's overall
well being in the last three months. This is what
I've noticed and experience. Brother in law has been getting
home at six fifteen every day. Absolutely it possible he
found the right root and perfect time to have a
(25:02):
smooth commute. However, when he gets home, he's flying. We
live in a neighborhood that's twenty five miles per hour
and blasting very loud and angry music. This person sounds
like the oldest thirty year old in the world. He's
going thirty, he's going thirty and a twenty five.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
He's listening to.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Devil's music. Those hips are not like about Satan, no judgment.
I listened to the exact same kind of music, has
been slamming doors, drawers, and cabinets, heavy, sighing constantly he's breathing,
and when he has asked about his day and how
it was work, we are hit annoyingly with boring. He
also blasted the same angry kind of music Sunday night,
(25:43):
despite knowing my husband and I were in the next room,
the living room, watching a movie, just being inconsiderate some context.
And it may sound silly, but he is so to
himself an introverted I, honest to god, wasn't even sure
he listened to music, especially the kind he's been listening to.
He also stopped showering daily. When I'm getting out here
is all these things are incredibly at a character for him.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Okay, with showering daily, make that I would be like, Okay,
I mean you could, yeah, yeah, if you've noticed shower
every day.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
But I feel like, well, if it's like.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
He's now showering every other day, you know, yeah, that's fine.
It seems like, oh, he's implying, like I feel like, hope.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
He could be implying that he just showers every other day.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
That's true. It could be.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Yeah, I feel like I hope he his nitpick in here.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
If it is possible that Op is saying, I've noticed
this huge change in his personality, and because.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
He's gone a big old his dream job and he's
working hard at.
Speaker 3 (26:33):
It, I think if you were coming from it with
a place of like, I'm worried about him because I
care about this boy and he's changed a lot, then
I understand get.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
This, Sophia. Okay, every single night he has what we
all refer to as his appointment with his girl, as
she calls every night ridiculous. Who has time to talk
to their girlfriend every night.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
At twelve at night with their doors open, with.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Their doors open for hour, and they wake up their
sister and then she wakes up looking like a ghoul
of the night, just staring at you, and then slams
your door. With every passing day, his frustration and annoyance
regarding these phone calls was becoming glaringly apparent.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Okay, so now he does seem like he's not in
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
He could just be tired. I don't think that is
a indicator.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
It's totally possible that Opia is correct.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Here, maybe, but I also think like that would be
totally projecting.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
We might be pulling our thoughts and feelings from the
first couple updates onto this, but it's totally possible that
OPI is correct here.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Well, let's see. So things really came to a head
when two nights ago we asked how work was and
he said, terrible.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
I actually, do you want to there's a possibility that
is not the girlfriend and it's just the job.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
The job is like really really.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Hard, I mean, and it's also an hour and a
half away.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Yeah, it might just be that the job is bad.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
That job is hard and.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
It's not the girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
Enough was enough, and my husband and myself had a
much needed heart dart with my brother in law. We
expressed our concern for as well being and recognize he's
incredibly overwhelmed. His girlfriend demands he visit her every single
weekend and if he doesn't, she will get really upset. Well,
he asked when he intended to take a self care
day for himself as over the last few weeks. My
husband vehemently expressed to brother in law that if he
(28:13):
didn't pick a day to rest, his body would pick
for him, and that very rarely ever happens at a
convenient time. Brother in law stated he didn't want to
lie and it wasn't a valid reason to not visit.
To catch up on rest and check in with himself.
I shared my top three concerns with him. What I
do not want him due to lack of rest, getting
in a car accident with his long commutes, I agree.
(28:34):
Do I don't want him to make a mistake at
work and end up injured or worse. As he works
on vehicles, One small mistake and you can end up
squished underneath a car or end up getting fired. And three,
he's going to lose his crap on his girlfriend, and
we know he doesn't want to do that, nor would
he mean it. I inquired about his girlfriend getting her license,
and he said that she'd consider it. I asked him
(28:55):
what the f that means, and he said he has
no idea. Barely clearly aggravated at the top, not towards
me the topic itself. I asked him what was stopping
her from getting it. She's turning twenty one this summer.
He told me she's afraid she'll get distracted and crash.
I asked what she would get so distracted by that
it would affect her driving? With some thinking, he says
a dog.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Okay, Okay, I.
Speaker 3 (29:18):
Do think that the brother in law is actually having
a problem with his girlfriend. I think Ope's finally become right.
I still agree with everything I said previously.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Yeah, I Sophia, I was never wrong.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
I was never wrong never how Yeah, I do think
that Opee is rightfully concerned about a young man who
is probably you know, figuring out his limits and right
now thinks that he doesn't have a limit.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Sanley Catto Fellow says he could end up squished, worse fired.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Okay, he could end up squished by it.
Speaker 3 (29:54):
Yeah. I think that these are all reasonable worries. Because
he's nineteen. It is a reasonable go as hard as
you can and be fine.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
I'm pretty sure. As my mom would always say, Sam,
you're birding the candle at.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
Both and yeah, I think my advice would probably be like, hey,
because I've had friends who have partners or other friends
who just expect a lot from them and it really,
you know, drains them, and they're taking calls in the
middle of the night, They're putting all this effort in
that they're not receiving back, and my advice would be,
don't approach this and be.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Like your girlfriend, Sack, she's being horrible to you.
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Be like, hey, I just want you to know that
you are allowed to ask for these things, and you're
allowed to expect, you know, her to come see you
in return. If she doesn't want to get a car,
let's look into public transportation. Maybe we mate halfway, because
it's unreasonable to expect this twenty year old who has
got a full time job to drive three hours, like
(30:55):
multiple times a week.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Yeah, no, it's a little bird ridiculous. But I'm pretty
sure he's just relaying what it is she's using as
excuses without actually putting any thought into it and just
accepting it as fact. I challenged it, and inevitably he
agreed that she needed to get her license, as he
was not going to get a place with her until
she does, so. I doubt he's had this discussion with
his girlfriend yet. And that's okay. Well, yesterday I did
(31:16):
my research for the state she lives in as to
how to get her license. Obviously, you must get a
permit first, perfect I made about fifty index cards. Illustrations
included where I could to help her study for and
take her permit test. Unless she goes to driving school.
She has to have her permit for six months and
then can test for a license. So does it solve
her driving immediately or as soon as we like?
Speaker 4 (31:39):
No.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
I'm hoping that if she's unwilling to even do this,
my brother in law can wake up and see that
this is hardly a relationship that is sustainable. Last night
I gave him the index cards great and I explained
to him how to go about helping her. I also
expressed that despite the pushback and resistance he'd receive, he
is not to back down. Stay for my boy, David,
button down the hatches, want.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Tofy the walls. That's an intense thing to do.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Yeah, for you, the night is lonely and dark terror.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I spent time making your index cards.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
I made this potion for you to help you on
your battle. As he isn't pushing her a license, he's
asking her to get her permit, which would be a
step towards her being able to get her license. She
refuses to get her license right now, so be it.
She can get her permit. It's an eighteen question test
and you need fifteen correct paths, no driving involved. If
she's unwilling to do this, I'm hoping he can see
(32:34):
that this is not the person for him. He needs
a partnership, not a dependent which is true. Yes, that
is a true statement. Last statement all right. After our
first conversation this week, the heart to heart things became
much lighter in my home. My brother in a lot
was more cheerful and talkative and not so reserved to
himself or so isolating. Essentially. Then, after last night's conversation,
(32:54):
I asked what his appointment was. When I tell you
his response contain more FM and any other words. To
be honest, I'm not sure what he said other than
f bombing every word, clearly getting fed up. He explained
he's told her he's going to shower and eat, but
yet again her call interrupted him mid dinner, and rather
than just letting it ring, he angrily got up went
(33:15):
to his bedroom And that was at eight fifteen, and
he never came back out of his room.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
He never came out again.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
We never saw him again. Yeah, man, this is the
norm and a huge part of the reason he's sleep deprived,
as well as not taking any time for himself. He
also shared how his girlfriend says he has terrible taste
in vehicles, which seemed to upset brother in law when
he told me, I pointed out, how the AF does
she know anything about cars? She refuses to drive, And
he's all excited, and I guess was validated and reassured
(33:44):
because he was.
Speaker 3 (33:44):
Like, right, exactly, yeah, and now we've come to the
point where this brother in law should not be in
a relationship with his girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Then the phone call came and away he went. I'm
hoping in the next few weeks that we can help
him understand and establish appropriate and healthy boundary for himself.
I don't know why he's answering those calls when his
girlfriend talks to him like that. I'll be sure to
update if there's any progress on his girlfriend's end, but
I doubt there will be, and hope that if that
is the case, my brother in law is capable of
doing what's best for himself and Sophia. Yeah, you thought
(34:15):
it was impossible. You said, Oh, there's no way there's
an update for you didn't believe it. Hey, Sam, we're
gonna get back to the stories. But here's three minutes
of bads from our sponsors.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
I did. I said that you spat.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
In my face at the idea of another eye.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
I did everyone saw it?
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Everyone saw it? But guess what, Sophia. Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you to prove you wrong, But there is
another update to man. Brother in law saga. Wow, this
woozy says, brother in law is figuring out what do
we think? All right?
Speaker 4 (34:48):
Right?
Speaker 1 (34:48):
We were kind of against Ope in the beginning. Yes,
I feel like we're coming around.
Speaker 2 (34:53):
I don't know if I'm going around Ope.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
I'm just coming around to the fact that maybe Ope,
Opie's brother in law shouldn't be with his girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (35:00):
Yeah. Well I think I think I'm coming around to
the idea that Opi is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that
like her? Don't we don't? Do we like your methods?
Speaker 2 (35:10):
No?
Speaker 4 (35:11):
No?
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Do we like her as a person?
Speaker 2 (35:14):
No?
Speaker 1 (35:14):
I'm not sure. I don't want to say no.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Yeah, no, I will say no.
Speaker 3 (35:17):
I might.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
I might love her in person. She just might not
portray yourself.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Yeah yeah, well over over writing, you know, does it
seem like the most affable of chaps.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Does the brother in law need to break up with
his girlfriend?
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Maybe? Probably, definitely, Yeah, I hope he does.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
I think, however, the brother in law needs to figure
that out. You need to provide.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
Your job baby, you are you are. You're putting him
on a little leash and guiding him every right, Yeah,
give him flash guards. You're giving him girlfriend basically fresh guards.
You're like, you gotta do this step and this step
and this deep and this step, and like you can advise,
but you can't live this relationship for no.
Speaker 3 (35:54):
I think you need to say, like, hey, I've noticed this,
this and this a little bit worried about you. And
then he comes to you and says, oh, my girlfriends
in that, and you say, yeah, that's not cool. I
think you know, just so you know, like you're allowed
to ask for those things in a relationship and you
don't say your your girlfriend sucks.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
You need a lever. You just in real people? Uh
uh has a really good point over here. His relationship
may be wrong for him, but op, he is just
an overbearing person. Yeah, boom, you hit the nail on
the head. Real person, real people, real people, real person.
They Yeah, this is an overbearing person. Breakup or not.
(36:31):
I think I would say breakup, but you gotta find
that out for yourself.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Yeah, I can't tell him to break up. You would
to listen to me.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
But we got an update four. So the last month
has been up and it's been down. About three weeks ago,
we really established healthy, open communication between myself thirty female,
my husband twenty nine mail, and my brother in law
twenty mail. My brother in law has gotten a promotion
and another certificate under his belt since my last update.
He is really just going after this crap, and I'm
(36:56):
impressed and incredibly proud. We make sure to celebrate these things.
I had made him cupcakes this week what he got
the certificate in promotion. He was in such a rush
to get to his girlfriends, I'm not sure he fully processed.
We had made cupcakes exclusively for his accomplishments. In the
last month, we have noticed a significant shift and his
usual behavior. For instance, he stopped showering daily. As long
as I have known him, despite doing nothing or working
(37:18):
all day, he was a daily showerer. Recently maybe three
sometimes two times a week, coming home with a face
covered in grease from work. He had thrown up in
the trash been in his bedroom almost two weeks ago.
He decided to drink a little and learned his lesson
that day and ended up sick. I smelled vomit so
strongly today and crossed my mind that maybe he never
threw it away. Turns out I was right. He threw
(37:39):
it out tonight and he's currently airing his room out.
As we air out the first floor, he's left what
my husband refers to as beached whales and the toilet bowl.
Not just once, this is a weekly occurrence, U greeted
with some mornings, man does not have enough time to flush.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
What I'm getting at is he is clearly distracted. Not
how he is in meaning Spear or my husband, but
his well being. He is neglecting himself in more ways daily,
and finally tonight we had a breakthrough. All Right, I'm
going to be honest. Some people had brought up these concerns,
but I thought they were a bit dramatic and not
really in the realm of possibility. But unfortunately there's a
(38:17):
lot worse than I imagine.
Speaker 3 (38:19):
Oh, maybe he needed the overbearing person tonight tacking on
everything finally brought the concern of him neglecting as well
being recently up to him.
Speaker 1 (38:27):
He also shared that we know something has been weighing
heavy on him and that he may not want to
talk to us now or us at all, but just
know we are always here. He said he doesn't feel
warmth or love the people he loved. This could possibly
be directed towards us as well, but the conversation went
right into his relationship per brother in law. We allowed
him to speak and express his feelings. He has no
(38:48):
idea what he's really feeling aside from being numb. This
ended up being about a three and a half hour
talk with all three of us. With the aforementioned promotion
my brother in law recently got. He is now working
six days a week instead of the regular forty hour week.
He commutes anywhere from fifteen to thirty hours a week
just with work. He's living here for multitudes of reasons,
so please do not suggest he moved closer to work.
(39:08):
That is not the root of his very real and
consuming problem. His girlfriend lives two hours away from us,
three and a half hours away from his job, and
since moving back home in December, his girlfriend made it
a point that he must visit every weekend. He obliged,
and then inevitably the toll of his very busy work
life was becoming clearer by the day, as well as
(39:31):
the unrealistic demands of his girlfriend. My husband and I
were aware of the unsustainability of the situation, and as
painful as this has been to watch the last couple
of months, our biggest and main concern was as well
being getting enough sleep and not getting hurt driving or
at work. I can't bother with any more context. Let
me just get to the point and hopefully someone will
have some advice or perspective to share to help me
(39:53):
help my brother in law navigate this incredibly toxic, bordering
armful codependent relationship. Is currently in two weeks ago, my
brother in law for the first time since moving in
up to stay home for his last full weekend off
of work. I have no idea the extent or the
details of what type of reaction you received from his
girlfriend because he just keep saying she gets sad well. Finally, tonight,
(40:16):
after letting him express himself for a good forty five
minutes uninterrupted, he finally shared that she threatens to do
some bad things to herself. He has shared his feelings
or lack thereof, regarding his girlfriend with his girlfriend lately,
and she urged him to get a therapist and speak
to myself and my husband to help him find a therapist.
So funny enough, this behavior, yeah, is incredibly effing familiar
(40:37):
to me as I behave similarly at that age. I
have borderline personality disorder, no excuses, just the diagnosis that
played a huge role of my behaviors and lack of
emotional regulation maturity, And I am now so grateful for
what an a hole I behaved like, because I understand
it from the other side, but that this is what
is scaring the crap out of me as well. I
did ask him if she was borderline. He says, she
(40:57):
thinks she does. If I'm being honest, I think there
is a lot of self diagnosing happening, more so than
legitimate diagnosis. Something has been off to me this entire time,
and tonight just solidified the uneasiness that I've been feeling.
I explained to him that if he is ever truly
concerned for her well being, being over one hundred miles
away from her, he could always call a wellness check.
This is clearly, though not fealthy, he said. He feels
(41:20):
as if he just isn't doing enough or can't do
anything right. In regards to his girlfriend, he shared, when
he goes to visit her, he folds her laundry and
takes her grocery shopping. I pointed out how kind that
is of him, considering what long, hard weeks he works,
then asked him what does she do for him.
Speaker 2 (41:38):
He sat pond her good questions.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
Hand on chin, and then said, that's a really good question.
I responded it wasn't necessarily to be answered right then
and there, but rather something for him to maybe put
some thought into. He eagerly agreed. I asked if he
was leaning towards making it work or if he was
ready to throw in the towel. He's flip flopping. But
if I'm being honest, I think he's done and it's
just consumed by the guilt and this emotional coercion. I
(42:02):
have therapy first thing in the morning and asked him
if he was okay if I asked my therapist for
some advice. He was happy and said, yes, thank you.
As soon as his insurance kicks in and we will
be helping him find a therapist, which is a great idea. Yeah,
man feels like he is going on going through the works. Yeah,
his girlfriend was right about one thing. I guess that
is one of the ways she helped. Yeah, all can
(42:23):
look at that. As soon as an insurance kicks in
will be helping him find another therapist, which is in
a few weeks. Until then, it's myself and my husband.
I am even more concerned for his well being than
I was previously, knowing what we know now. Yes, because
just so you know, there's another updated update five.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Oh my goodness, everything's changing.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
Everything's changing. So with the knowledge that his girlfriend you know,
has potential BPD and is there's some emotional coersion going on,
what would you advise the brother in law to do?
Speaker 3 (42:57):
Oh, I mean, I think you keep advising him what
we've been saying before, of like telling him that he's
allowed to expect more from her and that he, you know,
basically just running himself ragged for her is not helping
her or him. You know, if he can't fill up
his own cup, he certainly can't fill up hers.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
I know. It's it's crazy that like he's you know,
helping her by groceries and folding your laundry's.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
Six days a week.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
Yeah, he's working six days a week. On his one
off day, he's taking care of all of her chores
and he doesn't even have time to flush his own dookies.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
Well, I think I think it's all. It's not even
like a time thing. I think it's you.
Speaker 3 (43:34):
You're just so absent minded when you're working this hard
and doing this much for other people that you don't
even like things simple things like even probably feeding yourself, showering,
just not even.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Those things go out the window. You're in trouble, in trouble, right,
like I think, you.
Speaker 3 (43:51):
Know, I think also talking to him about limiting it
work hours as well.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
Yeah, important.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
You don't want to you don't want to just burn
yourself out, like I think. I mean, I think the
ideal is, like you have your baseline habits to keep
yourself clean and healthy, right, So like maybe it's a
little working out, maybe it's some showering, some time to eat,
and then you can build on top of it, right,
But if you don't have those baseline habits done, you're
going to break yourself and not be You're not going
(44:16):
to be able to be the boyfriend, You're not gonna
be able to be the good worker.
Speaker 3 (44:20):
Yeah, and whatever we've said, we've come in a lot
about Ope. But I will say I do appreciate how
on top of it she is for this kid.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
She is.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
She is clearly cares.
Speaker 1 (44:31):
She definitely cares.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
She clearly cares about this kid.
Speaker 1 (44:34):
Reminds me of our mother. Yeah over maearing.
Speaker 3 (44:38):
But cars so true, Katie Paladin says, Wow, a fifth update.
When's last time we got a story with this many updates?
I don't know, I don't.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
Who knows, man, but you know what I know, and
I'm going to read its fifth update. Woo. So update five.
Over the course of the last maybe five weeks, we've
had really open conversations with brother in law and have
gotten him in with a therapist. Yeah, when he wasn't
comfortable doing therapy alone at first, so we have come
(45:06):
to two sessions and now he's ready to go on
his own. That's great. I like that. I will list
the reasons he's in therapy and why his relationship is
even more unhealthy than I was imagining. Girl got the tea.
His girlfriend is one hundred percent codependent on him and
has been using the term separation anxiety, making it so
that any outs of free time my brother in law had,
which wasn't much given his full time job in the commute,
(45:29):
he was to be on standby for a phone call
from her and he better answer it. Oh yes, that
is not good.
Speaker 2 (45:36):
No, no, no, not good.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
I mean I think, like, you know, it is normal
to maybe feel like a certain way when you're a
way from your partner, but like like to demand that
they answer or whatever is not not a good thing.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Yeah, it's like when you have like sometimes I'll see
people in relationships. You see this a lot online and
stuff of people being like I sent the good morning
text and he didn't set the good morning tex or
like we always call every night and he didn't call
me back immediately, or you know, I we always check.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
In every hour and they didn't check in that out.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
It's like you don't deserve, nor should you ask for
every minute of your partner's time.
Speaker 1 (46:14):
Yeah, that's how you suffocate a relationship. Again, I always
quote this. I always quote this, but my dad always
has this cool little jabron quote where it's like relationships
are like two bodies of water. They come together with
the rising tide, and with the lowering of the tide
they separate. People learn new things as separate bodies of water.
Something like that.
Speaker 3 (46:34):
Yeah, there's this like story about it's like a mythology
story about how originally it's men and woman.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
So this is a heteronormative.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
Expert disgusting grass.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
But it's about how like we used to be this
one pair and then separated, and I feel like I
want you to forget that. I don't like, wait what
it's like we used to we used to be like
one like multi limbed form thing.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
Oh used to be like oh yeah, like a four
four like.
Speaker 3 (47:00):
Women like a woman and man. Used to be like
one thing and then got separated, and like.
Speaker 2 (47:05):
Forget that.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
Like you, when you're in a relationship, you are not
one person. You know, you are two different people.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
You're like that whole story just brought up a story.
You're like that was a dumb story. Well, it was a.
Speaker 3 (47:19):
Story to explain, you know, why things are the way
they are. I just think the idea that when you
come together, you are one thing and your world revolves
around that person.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
Yeah, I don't think your world should actually ever revolve
around one person. One person the world should you should
be You should be a multi fact, you would being
because when your world revolves around one thing, that's when
you suffocate that world and then that world dies.
Speaker 2 (47:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
I think rather than like being the Earth revolving around
the sun, be the sun and all of your different
interests revolve around you.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
That sounds bad, but you know what I mean. Yeah, narcissists.
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Everything result.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Yeah, and you're just the little planet dancing around me.
More so, you should just have multiple interests.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Rather than Sophia is the sun.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
I have the sun. Everyone should think of themselves as
the sun.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Well, he did this. Going back to the story, so
we were talking about how he has to answer every
phone call from his girlfriend. He did this every single
day from the beginning of December until a week ago.
I suggested he take a break from the everyday phone calls.
He also set a limit on him visiting every weekend.
It was no longer happening. He was staying home every
other week on the weekends he works Saturdays, and the
(48:33):
weekends he was off, he wouldn't be getting to her
until Saturday than the Friday stuff he's been doing since January.
Come to find out, she has been doing something to herself.
He finally broke down to us and shared he doesn't
know what to do. He's spinning and he feels he's
entirely responsible for her so scary. After therapy sessions, my
brother in law is finally seeing the relationship for what
(48:54):
it is, the manipulation being used, the codependency, as well
as lack of autonomy. He has visited in two weeks now,
and I you know, that's that's really rough, But I
also don't want it to be rough for you. And
have you not visit us every two weeks? So you
should visit us every day because you can listen to
full episode to stories just like this. Go to Spotify,
(49:16):
Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app and search. Okay,
story time, Yeah there's another relevant update. And I swear
they put this done here. We're gonna get back to
this juicy story, but a quick three minute breakup ads
from our sponsors the exact worst spots worst spot every time,
and I love it. We got a little bit more
to this story, Sophia. But I mean, how do you, like,
(49:38):
how do you break up with someone that is unstable?
I think because I feel like you got a hot
potato them to someone else to take care of them.
Speaker 4 (49:46):
But I don't know how, you know, like a scale,
like how you let them down so gently, so lightly,
so hard.
Speaker 3 (49:52):
Yeah, I've never been in this relationship, like this situation
in a relationship, but I have had a friend in
a similar like a friend who was going through a
lot and was potentially like had threatened things. This was
a while, yeah, not like years and years ago, and
they would rely a lot on another friend of mine
and doing the scene where they would call every night
(50:13):
till two in the morning and just like really demanding
a lot for my friend. And then said this thing
that they would do online. And I like went to
a teacher and stuff and I was like, hey, this
is happening, and I think that's what you do. And
she that person got like very mad at me for
doing that. But and she your girlfriend, the brother in
(50:35):
law's girlfriend, probably will react very poorly if he does
reach out to someone, if he does try and get
her help. But I think it has to be done
either way, because you are not I think it's telling
him that he is not equipped to save her.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
He cannot save her.
Speaker 3 (50:47):
Yeah, she's the only one who could say herself, but
to help her he did.
Speaker 1 (50:52):
One of the reasons that she may be mad is
like you are now taking the power away from those
actions used to control control you.
Speaker 3 (50:59):
Yeah, So I think it's just telling him that he's
just he's on a professional he can't help her. And
if he wants to help her. The best way to
do that is to find that professional to talk to
her support system. Hopefully she has that inner like family
or something, some sort of adult figure in her life. Like, yes,
he is an adult, but like you know someone who
actually has kind of maybe she's dependent to, like a
(51:21):
parent or something like that.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
But it sounds like your parents are not involved.
Speaker 2 (51:24):
Yeah, which is true.
Speaker 3 (51:25):
Tough.
Speaker 1 (51:26):
Yeah, yeah, find someone else that you can pass off
this responsibility too.
Speaker 2 (51:30):
Yeah, Faith reacts, as he could talk to his therapist
to get advice on that. That's a great point.
Speaker 1 (51:34):
A good point. That's a good point. But I got
a little bit more of this story, so we're to
jump in. He shared his concerns and his girlfriend said
she understood he needs space. She's not hearing him at all,
as space is the least of his problems. He's tried
in the last month setting boundaries, to which all attempts failed.
Well after this past weekend of not visiting, she was
on spring break and decided to take a leave of
absence from school to her mental health tanking from the relationship.
(51:56):
She told him if he leaves her, she will be
checking herself into a psychiatric hospital. Revving up the copulation. Good, honestly,
not at that.
Speaker 2 (52:04):
He's amazing.
Speaker 1 (52:05):
I'd be like, oh, oh, oh good, okay, great, I
mean not great.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
But like like, I mean, honestly, yes, good for her.
She needs that.
Speaker 1 (52:13):
Last night I asked my brother in a lot how
things were going, and he just loudly exhaled and opened
his phone, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, and showed me
novel length texts she's been sending. He has not responded.
I'm hoping this is the beginning of his exit, as
he has been much lighter and cheerful since therapy. He's
humming when he's walking around the house, joining us for dinner,
hanging out with us in some of his free time,
showering daily, and taking some time for him. I wish
(52:37):
his girl friend and nothing but the best, and hope
she can get better for herself. But it's nice seeing
my brother in law smile and laugh again. He's been
traumatized his entire life, and seeing him in such an
unhealthy dynamic as borderline sickening. Because I love him dearly.
Speaker 2 (52:52):
Wow, Oh he must feel so vindicated.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
Whoooo yeah, dude, Oh he feels great. She's like I
saw this from the beginning, but she didn't say hi,
what wasn't she what she wanted that mac and cheese.
I knew the beginning of got vegetarianism.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
You got it, You got us. Op. Opie wins this round.
Speaker 1 (53:15):
O p wins this round. But tell me what you think.
Was OP too overbearing? Was OP too much? Was OP
the a hole at certain points in this story let
us know. Put your answers in the comments below. But
that's where that story ends, and that episode gosh darn
toutin flad putin. So if you love us, make sure
(53:37):
to subscribe We love you, and see it tomorrow
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