I was asked to GAIN weight… so I don’t outshine the bride! -r/relationships | Reddit Stories - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:07):
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
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the next two minutes or so.

Speaker 3 (00:17):
I was asked to gain weight so I don't outshine
the bride.

Speaker 4 (00:21):
That's just an upsetting thing to hear.

Speaker 3 (00:25):
Earlier this year, my cousin Jeff. Jeff asked me twenty
two female, if i'd be willing to be one of
his fiance's thirty female bridesmaids for their wedding this fall.
While I've known Julie for about five years, we've only
met a couple dozen times or so, usually at family gathering.
We weren't even Facebook friends until I agreed to be

(00:46):
one of her bridesmaids. So no, we're not exactly close.

Speaker 4 (00:50):
And what on earth are you doing being her bridesmaid?

Speaker 3 (00:53):
By the way, this comes from deleted and if you
want to submit your own stories, go to the r
slash Okay storytime subreddit. I agreed to do it only
because Jeff has always been like a big brother to me,
and he explained that Julie couldn't find another bridesmaid she
needed four. She's rather reserved, some might say witchy and judgmental,
and doesn't have a lot of friends. She doesn't have

(01:15):
any sisters either, So even though I knew it would
be costly, it's adding up to around two thousand dollars now.
I did not regret the decision at all until today.
Here's what happened. This past weekend. I finally got fitted
for my dress. The Maid of Honor has been bugging
us to get fitted asap to send pictures of us

(01:35):
wearing the dress Julie had chosen for us, So, even
though the dresses needed alterations and I won't have the
final product for another couple of weeks, I posted a
picture of me wearing it in our bridesmaid group on Facebook,
just as I'd been asked. This morning, I woke up
to find that the Maid of Honor had sent me
a long series of messages via Facebook Messenger. The messagers

(01:56):
start out really nice, thanking me for getting fitted. I
think I'm the only one besides her who has done so.
Buying my dress and shoes without whining about the price
in the group, et cetera. Then she hit me with
this bomb show, we're going to have to do something
about your looks. Unfortunately, you know that the bridesmaids can't
look better than the bride Lol.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
A joke, right, Nope.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
She went on to tell me that she'd noticed for
my Facebook profile that I exercised quite a bit, and
she suggested I stop doing that between.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
Now and the wedding.

Speaker 3 (02:28):
She joked, I e lol at the end of every
other sentence, that I was going to make Julie, her
and the other bridesmaids look old and fat if I
didn't at least gain a few pounds. Think about it
like this, Now you have a reason to eat pizza
and ice cream every day.

Speaker 4 (02:44):
Lol.

Speaker 3 (02:45):
She also said that obviously I shouldn't wear any makeup
on the wedding day to make it more fair for
Julie and the rest to look as young as me.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
It didn't end there.

Speaker 3 (02:54):
She wondered if it'd be possible to wrap my front
airbag down at least a cup size an ace bandage
or something, And as for my hair, well in early
nineties style would be perfect. Something to make me look older. Finally,
as though I couldn't be more annoyed and shocked by
all of this nonsense, she dropped the lols and got serious.

(03:15):
The wedding is about Julie, not you. It's your duty
to not show her up on her big day. You
agreed to this responsibility, and like it or not, you
have to live up to it.

Speaker 2 (03:25):
Now.

Speaker 3 (03:26):
I expect you to understand that and not ruin what
should be the happiest day of her life by making
the wedding all about you. How on earth do I
reply to a long winded series of messages like that.
It's never ever been my intention to show up anybody
in the wedding party, least of all the bride. I
never even wanted to be a bridesmaid. I never comment

(03:47):
in the Facebook group. I don't debate about this or that.
I just do what I'm told. I'm doing this for Jeff,
not Julie, and until now I've been willing to do
whatever is asked of me. Also, it's not my fault
that Julie is to be blunt rather chubby. Not my
fault that are made of honor is pushing forty two
and looks it. It's not my fault that the other
two bridesmaids are not exactly in great shape either. Is

(04:10):
it really my duty to purposely let myself go for
the next three months?

Speaker 2 (04:14):
I don't think so.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
No makeup on the wedding day, fine, no problem, bad
hair do uugh, so long as it's temporary, I guess so.
But wanting me to gain weight get out of shape,
I mean, first of all, I doubt that even if
I did stop running every morning and quit going to
the gym right now, I'd look significantly closer to what
the maid of honor obviously wants. I get lots of
exercise at work. I'm a waitress, I'm very active in general,

(04:39):
and I have a strong metabolism. What does she want
me to do start eating McDonald's every day from now
until the wedding.

Speaker 5 (04:45):
It's just an absurd thing to I really hope that
you don't play along with this and you just go,
I'm not gonna do this. And if that's a problem,
then I now I just won't be a bridesmaid. Yeah,
not even like being mean, just like, this is my
care for you. I'm not gonna do this, So I'm
just not doing it.

Speaker 3 (04:58):
I'm honestly at a lot on how to reply to
the maid of honor. Should I just ignore it? Should
I tell Jeff that I'd rather not be a bridesmaid anymore?
Should I contact Julie and tell her what the maid
of honor said?

Speaker 2 (05:09):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
Oh, and by the way, I've already paid for the dress,
the shoes, the plane ticket, and reserved a hotel room
and rental car. So I'm going to the wedding no
matter what.

Speaker 5 (05:19):
Ah, you can just go to that place and do
whatever you want instead, But I'd.

Speaker 3 (05:23):
Be willing to take a wash on the dress and
just go as a guest if there was a polite
way to get out of it.

Speaker 2 (05:28):
Now any advice, please? Thanks? And we have some comments.

Speaker 4 (05:32):
No no, no, no no no no no no no
no no.

Speaker 3 (05:34):
You have done nothing wrong and the maid of honor
sounds insane. Who says these things to another person. Please
don't stop your lifestyle or change yourself so you can
look a bit more run down by wedding time. In
my opinion, either ignore the message and go straight to Julie,
or respond with something short but polite, saying that you
can't accommodate her requests and then go straight to Julie.

Speaker 2 (05:56):
Ask Julie if this is something.

Speaker 3 (05:58):
She agrees with, because if so, oh, then you can
no longer fulfill your role as her bridesmaid. And OP said,
I considered that, but I have a feeling the maid
of honor discussed this with Julie first. They're best friends
and the maid of honor. I said things in the
group before, like Julie wants this or Julie decided that.
Keep in mind, Julie is a member of the Facebook group,
but she never posts or comments, but she does look

(06:21):
at what people post, including the picture I put up
that caused all this. Her name is listed under the
scene by link. What I really don't want to do
is create unnecessary drama. I'm meant to I assume that
the bridesmaids will be getting their hair and makeup done
together on the wedding day comment three. My response would
have been, Lol, what the actual f is wrong with you?

Speaker 5 (06:40):
Can I just quickly comment on that like thing where
opis like, I don't want to cause unnecessary drama, not Op,
but yes, it's there's no way around causing You're going
to have a confrontation where you go, hey, if this
is what you want. I find that unacceptable, so I
won't be doing this. Whether you talk to Jeff, or
you talk to the actual bride, or you talk to anybody,

(07:00):
you're gonna have that moment. So don't worry about creating drama.
This wasn't your idea.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
Comment four.

Speaker 3 (07:06):
Now you know why she doesn't have a lot of friends.
Either her maid of honor scares everyone away and she
doesn't stick up for people, or Julie agrees with her
maid of honor. Honestly, I'd ignore it. Nothing you say
will change any opinions. What are they going to do?
Take you out of pictures for being too beautiful and
we have an update, They're just.

Speaker 5 (07:23):
Going to photoshop like a bunch of mud and bad hair.
They're gonna put like a bunch of birds in your hair.

Speaker 3 (07:28):
Thanks to the advice I received in that post, I
decided to contact Julie, my cousin's fiance directly. I used
Facebook because we're not that close relationship wise or geographically. Basically,
I sent her a message asking her if the maid
of honor was being serious in her messages to me,
and I included the messages so she could read them.
Julie didn't respond right away, but on Monday, my cousin,

(07:50):
her husband to be, called me and said that she
showed him my message.

Speaker 2 (07:54):
He was angry.

Speaker 3 (07:55):
He said that the Maid of Honor is a huge
witch who has been trying to control every aspect of
the wedding, right down to who should or should not
be invited, as though that's her choice. My cousin and
I had a good talk about it, and I was
so relieved to hear him say that Julie was just
as stunned by the Maid of Honor's messages to me
as I was, but paranoid me. I wasn't fully convinced

(08:16):
until I spoke to her this morning. She is livid
at the Maid of Honor.

Speaker 4 (08:21):
Yes, this is why we do communication.

Speaker 3 (08:24):
Apparently she also sent similar messages to one of the
other bridesmaids too, not as bad as the one she
sent me, but close. She assured me that she was
sick and tired of Maid of Honor's insecurities and swore
that she'd had nothing to do with the messages I received.
Julia went back on to thank me for bringing this
to her attention and made me promise to look my
best on the wedding day, which is a huge relief because,

(08:47):
like I said in my post, I've already committed a
lot of time and money to this and I really
didn't want to spend the next couple of months breading
the event itself. As for Maid of Honor, Julie said
she was going to talk to her soon. She sounded
aang when she said that. Also, I just noticed an
hour ago that the Maid of Honor is no longer
a member of our bridesmaids group on Facebook.

Speaker 5 (09:08):
Uh oh, I hope you don't get recruited to be
made of honor. Oh yeah, as basically just an acquaintance.

Speaker 3 (09:16):
I'm wondering now if she did talk to Julie and
through a tantrum and quit or something. If so, I
feel really bad. But somebody had to say something to
Julie about it, right, I don't know. All I know
is I'm still a bridesmaid. The bride in question wants
me to look my best, and I'm happy about that. Okay,
we have some comments, Okay, Comment one amazing how someone

(09:37):
pushing forty can be so delusionally childish. Oh Pie says
she works in human resources, is twice divorced and has
three children by three different men and only has custody
of two of them. She's not just childish, she's a
control free comment or two.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
Please don't feel bad.

Speaker 3 (09:53):
You've just made Julie's wedding day much more bearable for
the bride, yourself and the other bridesmaids, and probably the groom, groomsman, guests,
efficient photographer, and anyone else remotely connected to the wedding.
If she is brazen enough to send you that message,
I guarantee she would have made everyone's life's head. Enjoy
the wedding, do your best to help the bride and

(10:14):
the other bridesmaids look their best, and don't worry about
that snotty.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Maid of honor.

Speaker 3 (10:19):
I mean, I'm glad it was exactly what we were hoping,
and just that, like Julie had no idea of.

Speaker 4 (10:24):
What was going on, Julie didn't know.

Speaker 5 (10:27):
My brother shamed my sister in law, so I exposed
his dirty secret.

Speaker 3 (10:32):
Ooh, you said, I'll give you my dirty little SECRETO.

Speaker 6 (10:36):
And I'm Dakota, I'm Carly, I'm Keon.

Speaker 5 (10:38):
Long story short, my brother and sister in law are
divorcing because my.

Speaker 4 (10:42):
Brother couldn't keep it in his pants.

Speaker 5 (10:44):
He has made life hard for sister in law and
has been a disrespectful man baby, even though he's the
one who cheated. By the way, this comes from user
middle Tank thirty seven thirty seven, and if you want
to submit your own stories, go to the r slash
Okay storytime subreddit. It's safe to say my brother and
I are not on good terms, but he was dragging
his feet when it came to moving out, stressing sister

(11:05):
in law out, so I.

Speaker 4 (11:06):
Suggested we get a place together.

Speaker 5 (11:08):
It got a boot up his behind, and with me
pitching in with rent, he had more options, so we
quickly found a place. I arranged for brother and sister
in law's mutual friends to help us move. I told
sister in law to leave everything to us, go out,
spend the day with the guy she's been dating, and
when she got back she'd have the house to herself.
I even said I'd pick my niece up from school
so she didn't have.

Speaker 4 (11:29):
To worry about it.

Speaker 5 (11:29):
Everything was going smoothly and we were preparing the last load,
but then sister in law came back.

Speaker 4 (11:35):
I don't know why.

Speaker 5 (11:36):
She wasn't supposed to be back until the evening when
my brother and his friends would be long gone. Now,
it's not that it's a secret that she's dating or anything,
it's just that they've only been dating for a month
or two. They're still in the getting to know you phase,
and they're not at the stage where they introduce each
other to all their friends and family. Those closest to
her know about him, like her mom, a few girlfriends,

(11:57):
and me, but not the mutual friends yet. It's a
little awkward since they've never met him and don't know
who he is. But everyone says hi to him and
they're friendly, and then start chatting with sister in law,
asking her how she is, how her day was, eladi
da di da. My brother looks her date right in
his eye and says, as loudly as he can.

Speaker 4 (12:17):
Enjoy fing my wife, as if she was the one
cheating or something.

Speaker 6 (12:21):
They're friends and her neighbors.

Speaker 5 (12:23):
Everyone goes silent and just stares at sister in law
and her date. Sister in law was humiliated. I could
see it on her face, so I snapped just as loudly. Well,
at least she waited until after the breakup, unlike you
and your girlfriend. Yes, I'm sorry what is that?

Speaker 4 (12:42):
Oh, that is the dropped upon you.

Speaker 5 (12:47):
I guess my brother didn't appreciate me exposing his to
eat it. So the confrontation escalated, and I said and
did some things, so I regret some I wish I
had done sooner. Well, now sister in law is unhappy
the way that things escalate it. Obviously she's furious at
my brother, but she's also upset with me. She says
I let my temper get the better of me, and
that I've probably burnt a bridge with him and now

(13:09):
we have to live together. I shouldn't have let him
rile me up. She's devastated that my brother and I
have fallen out. I think she hoped my offer to
move in with him was a sign I forgave him,
but I don't. I did it to get him out
of the house so she wouldn't have to put up
with his BS anymore. And honestly, like if your relationship
with a sibling, I'm an only child, so I can't
really speak with certainty, but I feel like if calling

(13:30):
your brother out on absolutely his BS is going to
irreparably damage your relationship, I don't know. I don't know
how beneficial or positive it could ever be. Their mutual
friends say I should have handled it differently, like more
calmly and not made a scene, and that I shouldn't
have aired dirty laundry in public.

Speaker 4 (13:48):
I said he started it.

Speaker 5 (13:50):
My brother's best friend said, yeah, what he did was crappy,
but I have to understand things are complicated and my
brother is having a hard time right now.

Speaker 2 (13:57):
What the actual who boooooo.

Speaker 5 (14:01):
I don't care about my brother or his crappy friends,
but I'm worried I made sister in law's life harder.

Speaker 4 (14:06):
That maybe I embarrassed her too.

Speaker 5 (14:07):
She's really upset, and while a lot of it is
with my brother, I can tell she's also unhappy with me.

Speaker 4 (14:12):
Maybe I took it too far? Am I the ahole? Comments?
Number one?

Speaker 6 (14:16):
Your sister is probably worried about you.

Speaker 5 (14:18):
It's never nice to see family members fight, even if
there's a valid reason for it. I don't know how
close you are with your brother before this. Either way,
I don't think you were in the wrong. Your brother
was bang out of order. What was he trying to
achieve with this? Definitely nothing good? Do his friends know?

Speaker 3 (14:32):
Like?

Speaker 5 (14:32):
Why do they think they're divorcing? I'm very concerned about
his friends, saying he's having a hard time but not
considering how hard this is for your sister. Did they
stick up for her at all?

Speaker 4 (14:43):
Not the ahole hope, he says.

Speaker 5 (14:44):
The two of them practically raised me, so I was
always very close to both of them. But I'm not
on such good terms with him now, not after this.
After his friends pulled me off him, they dragged him
to the van and told me to stay here while
they sorted things out, whatever that means.

Speaker 4 (14:57):
But no, they don't know.

Speaker 5 (14:58):
They got told generic bs like oh they just drifted
apart and things weren't working. They don't even know the
person he's dating is his mistress. Reply, Oh my god,
what is it with men like this? They cheat, they
leave their wives, they wreck their families, but they do
everything they can just to make as much of a
mess as possible.

Speaker 4 (15:15):
And he is still seeing his a fair partner the cheek.

Speaker 5 (15:18):
I think maybe you should talk to his friends, tell
him what he really did, or else your brother is
going to try and twist things around. He was trying
to twist the narrative already, trying to make it seem
like your sister in law was the cause of their divorce.
You need to set the record straight. As Opie says, Oh,
trust me, I plan to tell all of his friends.
Comment To says, your sister in law doesn't want to
see yourself as the one who broke the family apart.

(15:38):
So I'd suggest keep telling her repeatedly that she did
nothing wrong and that she's not making anyone pick sides.

Speaker 4 (15:44):
And you know it. You aren't choosing her side.

Speaker 5 (15:47):
You are and always were, on the side of truth,
the side of what's right. And you wouldn't stand for
anyone simply or not treating anyone as she's been treated.
That's not you picking a side. That's the principle. You
wouldhere too and always have. Opi says, that's advice, thanks man.
I do plan on talking with her in a bit.
I think that, and I know she is upset because
she and my brother practically raised me.

Speaker 4 (16:08):
My mom passed away when I was a kid.

Speaker 5 (16:10):
I used to look up to my brother and we
were close, and I know she's devastated that we're not
getting along. Honestly, this is more like watching parents divorce
for me than a sibling. I want her to know
that this isn't her fault. She did nothing wrong in
any of this, and there is an update she.

Speaker 2 (16:24):
Didn't do anything wrong. It's good to hear it.

Speaker 5 (16:26):
I think maybe you need to apologize for having to
be dragged off of your brother.

Speaker 4 (16:32):
I talked it out with sister in law.

Speaker 5 (16:34):
The reason she was upset was because she was worried
I'd be arrested, like if my brother chose to press
charges or something. Okay, clearly there was a tackle. She
didn't want me getting in trouble. She was more worried
about me than herself. As always, she says, I gave
him ammunition, either to use against me or to play
the victim or both. She's grateful I stood up for her,
but whish is I hadn't been so physical about it,
which is fair.

Speaker 4 (16:53):
Also, I found out why she got there early.

Speaker 5 (16:55):
My brother texted her said we were at the new place,
but he thinks he left the up on, so could
she swing by to check it? But of course we
weren't at the new flat. We were still unloading the van.
She wasn't expecting anyone to be there. Sister in law
is paranoid about that kind of thing due to a
house fire when she was a kid. She won't even
allow candles in the house in case it starts a fire,
so he knew she'd come running over. My brother wanted

(17:16):
her to come back while everyone was still there. He
had been planning to humiliate her. Oh, and her date
was there because he noticed a suspicious.

Speaker 4 (17:23):
Bruise on her arm.

Speaker 5 (17:24):
He went with her because he didn't want her going
in the house alone in case my brother was waiting
for her or something.

Speaker 4 (17:29):
So that's a whole other level.

Speaker 6 (17:30):
Of a holiery I found out about not great.

Speaker 4 (17:32):
His best friend, Tommy, reached out to me to talk.

Speaker 5 (17:34):
Turns out, my brother told Tommy he and sister in
law separated, but the plan was for them to work
on their issues, get some space, and come back and
try again. But instead sister in law started dating someone new,
which is one hundred percent not what happened. Now, Tommy
didn't blame or begrudge sister in law for it. In
his mind, that's what separations are for. But that's what
his comment on how my brother was having a hard
time and things being complicated was all about. Tommy then said,

(17:58):
based on some of the things I said during the
confrontation that what my brother told him isn't the full story.
I said, no, none of what my brother said was true.
I told him the truth. I showed him the proof.
And originally Tommy didn't want to play sides. They all
went to school together, and although he's closer to my
brother than sister in law, he's still good friends with her.
He had to think about it for a little while
but decided he is one hundred percent on sister in

(18:19):
law's side. He told the rest of their circle of
friends the truth as well.

Speaker 4 (18:22):
My brother doesn't know that they all know.

Speaker 5 (18:25):
Oh boy, they're still talking to him, but they've all
agreed that if he ever tries to pull something like
what he did on moving day, they'll step in. Oh
and Tommy said to him and the other guys chewed
my brother out for what he did when they got
to the flat. I wish they'd done it sooner and
maybe more publicly, but it was good to hear he
got a stern talking to.

Speaker 3 (18:42):
Nonetheless, yeah, in that moment, everyone should be calling him out.
You should not have been the old I mean, well,
they didn't know, but stoll still not something you say.

Speaker 5 (18:49):
Tommy also apologized to my sister in law for not
stopping my brother and made it clear, nobody hates her,
nobody blames her, and if my brother gives her any trouble,
just let them know. I'm officially moved moved in with
my brother and it's awkward a f. He won't talk
to me, he won't acknowledge me. But whatever, I don't
give a f if he ever talks to me again.
As long as he leaves sister in law alone, we

(19:11):
have a little bit more story left. I think you
should be living with this guy. No, that's an untenable
living situation.

Speaker 4 (19:18):
How long is your piece?

Speaker 2 (19:19):
Yeah, maybe that's the only thing he's holding him there.

Speaker 5 (19:21):
All I really care about is that sister in law
has plenty of backup me, my brother's friends, and I
don't know her date very well, but he seems like
a solid guy. When my brother teed off on moving day,
he just took her into the house, didn't engage with
my brother, just got her out of there. My brother, meanwhile,
hasn't learned a dang thing because he lied and told
his trashy mistress that he got his bruises from sister

(19:44):
in law's date. The guy went nowhere near him, by
the way. Also, he can keep trash talking sister in
law and play victim. I don't know what I'm going
to do with him. I hate what he's done and
hate that he's walking around as if he's the victim.
It's so frustrating that he's not really faced any real
consequences for what he did.

Speaker 6 (20:00):
But I don't know what else I can do. And
that is the end of that story.

Speaker 5 (20:03):
I feel like all of his friends knowing and imploding
on him.

Speaker 4 (20:07):
That's kind of a consequence. But yeah, you know, the
worst consequence that he can face is being himself. What
a miserable guy.

Speaker 3 (20:14):
My estranged sister wants to use me as a work reference.

Speaker 2 (20:18):
I refuse.

Speaker 4 (20:19):
Yeah, I don't even know this, lady. Nah.

Speaker 3 (20:22):
My sister female thirty eight and I female forty one
were very close growing up. We had the usual bickering
when we were younger, but when we were older, we
traveled together, were roommates for a while, hung out together
with our kids all the time, and talked on the
phone multiple times a day. By the way, this comes
from stuff my headholes on.

Speaker 2 (20:41):
The r slash too Hot Take subreddit.

Speaker 3 (20:43):
If you want us to make your own stories, go
to the r slash Okay Storytime subreddit. About ten years ago,
she suddenly ghosted me. I lived very remote from family,
so just showing up was not an option. I would
call and call, I would write letters, but never got
any response. I would ask my family what was going on,
and she always had excuses as to why she.

Speaker 2 (21:03):
Wasn't talking to me.

Speaker 3 (21:04):
She didn't have time, she didn't have money for her phone, whatever.
Never mentioned having any fights or disagreements. Excuses were always logistical.
After three or four years of this, I respected her
decision and I took an intense class on forgiveness. I
used her as my area to work on. I knew
that me harboring any resentments would only hurt me. Part

(21:25):
of the exercise was to write a letter to the purse.
I poured my heart into the letter, and some of
it was definitely not kind to her. I knew she
would never see it, so I threw all my resentments
in there. It was an exercise for me, not for her.
My mother and I would send letters to each other,
and I would always send her some of the things
that I was working on in the various classes I took,

(21:47):
or things that I found interesting. So I told her
about the class I was taking and I sent her
the letter that I wrote about my sister. Whether that
was right or wrong, I thought maybe it would help
her understand how much the ghosting devastated me. Since I
had no contact with my sister, maybe a family friend
could help navigate. They were equally confused as I was.

(22:07):
At least that's what they were telling me. Lash forward
a few years later, nothing has changed. I have relocated
back to a few hours distance of my family. Nothing
has changed between my sister and me. Her story now
is that I wrote her letter and it was harsh
and mean, and that is the whole reason that she
has cut me off. Even though this was something I
sent to my mom, somehow my sister got her hands

(22:29):
on it. My mom claims that my sister stumbled upon it,
that she did not give it to her. Yes, it
was mean. I pulled no one tows in that letter
because it was like a diary exercise. It was never
meant for her to read. But she is now using
that to justify why she has nothing to do with me.
I guess we'll just ignore the first five years she
ghosted me with no reason. Those were just practice. At

(22:52):
this point, my family's doing two Christmases. I try to
go out of town around Thanksgiving. It's all weird. I
did attempt to reach out to her again, which she ignored.
I'm told that she actually got mad at the rest
of the family because she assumed that they put me
up to it. My perspective is when people show you
who they are, believe them. She has made it clear
that I don't matter to her and she doesn't want

(23:14):
me in her life. I have long come to terms
with that. My dad reached out to me a few
weeks ago to tell me that my sister is applying
to be a sort of big sister of sorts and
she needs three references that aren't family because my last
name doesn't match hers. She wants to use me. I
have a number of issues with this.

Speaker 2 (23:32):
She has so few.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
Friends in her life that she has to use me.
She ignores all of my efforts to reconnect over the
past decade, but can't be bothered to call me personally
to ask her life is a hot mess, to the
point where the entire family admits that she's a wonderful
friend to her current children, but a horrible parent. How
about put the fire out in your own house before
going to fight the fire next door.

Speaker 6 (23:55):
Yeah, it's like it sounds like she just shouldn't.

Speaker 4 (23:58):
Be doing this.

Speaker 3 (23:59):
When my dad asked me if I was willing to
be a reference for this, I was absolutely flabbergasted at
the audacity. I told him, absolutely not, and if she
wants to use me, she can have the balls to
reach out to me directly and have a conversation. Well,
he calls me back a little while later to tell
me that she already submitted the application and put me down.

(24:20):
So now I have two emails from this organization asking
for a reference other than two family events.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
That we are at together.

Speaker 3 (24:28):
I haven't had a conversation with her in a decade.
I've never asked my parents to divide holidays or events.
I can show up where I need to be and
conduct myself like an adult. My parents say they are
sick of this divide and just want to be a
family again. My father has screamed at me about our
silly little thing. Any attempts to remind them that she
ghosted me out of nowhere for years without a word

(24:50):
are met with anger that I should just get over it.
I am planning to just ignore the emails from the organization.
I cannot in good conscious lie. My bigger question is
when my parents come at me about not doing this,
how do I navigate it. Yes, I am a grown
but adult, but Dad's temper is fearsome. I am currently

(25:10):
living in a house he owns at his request to
help take care of Grandma, his mom, who is in
her nineties. I work remote, so I can live anywhere.
It's absolutely miserable here, but it definitely helps the family out.
Once I'm no longer needed here, I will be immediately
moving back to where my job is. I feel confident

(25:30):
that I have done the right thing on my end.
I have attempted hundreds of times to reach out over
the years and finally accepted that I am not.

Speaker 2 (25:38):
A part of her life.

Speaker 3 (25:39):
I took classes to come to terms with it, and
I'm in a good place. I don't wish any bad
things to happen to her. I have accepted the way
things are. It just seems too convenient that the family
wants me to ignore those years where my heart was
broken because she's suddenly cut me off with no reason.
I've done a lot of work and taken a lot
of classes and therapy to be able to communicate about

(26:02):
how people treat me. Unfortunately, no one else in my
family has. I feel like I'm all over the place
and not clearly explaining anything. I just know that at
some point it's going to be World War three when
they come asking about that reference again. Any advice would
be helpful.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
We have an edit.

Speaker 3 (26:20):
Thank you all so much for the feedback. I'm definitely
not going to lie for her. I think my bigger
issue is that I feel like I've become an emotional
one chewing bag for my dad. He and my mom
are still married but lives separately. They are still very
close and hang out together all the time. I live
in another house with my grandmother. He has made it
clear that if I move out, Grandma will have to

(26:41):
go into a facility of some kind.

Speaker 2 (26:43):
My mom has had.

Speaker 3 (26:44):
Some super scary health issues lately, and I know that's
got my dad very concerned. So the first time he
trauma dumped on me, it hurt, but I tried not
to take it personal. This past weekend, he did it again,
screaming at me about things that my grandmother is doing,
things that my sister is doing, telling me that he
doesn't care about me and that I'm effed up all

(27:05):
because I have boundaries. I refuse to let my grandmother
or anyone else walk all over me.

Speaker 2 (27:10):
I've done too much work for that.

Speaker 3 (27:12):
Grandma has proven herself to be a very unreliable narrator,
entirely self absorbed, and gives zero f's about how anyone
else feels. She does what she wants, and no one
can tell her any different. I'm the only one that
attempts to hold her accountable for what she does to me.

Speaker 4 (27:27):
Where did Grandma come from?

Speaker 3 (27:29):
I know that was so out of the blue. Everyone
else just pretends it doesn't happen for me. She is
permanently on an information diet in the gray rock zone.
My sister actually has very little to do with my dad.
She only calls him if she needs something, and she
never calls my grandmother. Grandma cries over this regularly. She
lives with my mom with her kid. She's actually married,

(27:51):
but her husband lives in his own place. I have
no clue what that's all about. Not my monkey's, not
my circus. Just writing this all out has really shown
me how much this whole thing is.

Speaker 2 (28:01):
And we have an update.

Speaker 6 (28:02):
Yeah, get space from your whole family, dude, Get space
from all of them.

Speaker 2 (28:06):
Don't write that letter.

Speaker 3 (28:07):
I haven't spoken to my father since he screamed at
me last week. A couple days ago, I was working.
I worked from home and was in my room and
my door was half closed. I guess he was dropping
my grandmother off, and all of a sudden, I turned
around and he's in my room, walking towards my bathroom.
It was really weird because there's a common bathroom in
the hallway that is usually used. Why would you suddenly

(28:28):
feel the need to use mine. It fell almost aggressive. Normally,
if he comes over, he's super respectful about knocking or
making sure I'm not in a meeting.

Speaker 7 (28:36):
It was just weird.

Speaker 3 (28:37):
But the real update is that I went to lunch
with my mom yesterday. She's still working on recovering, but
she's out of the hospital and doing physical therapy. She's
able to walk short distances, so I took her to
lunch to get her out of the house. I wasn't
going to tell her about the bs with my dad,
but I guess my grandmother and dad had said to
her that they weren't going to attend anymore get togethers

(28:57):
unless the entire family was there. Yes, it doesn't matter
to them whether any of us have other plans or
have any feelings on the matter. Right So, usually on
the fourth of July they all get together because it's
my sister's birthday. Dad called Mom to ask what the
plans were, and Mom told him that he wasn't invited.
I had to give her a double high five for that.
My sister has made it clear what her boundaries are,

(29:19):
and I had to give my mom props for the
respecting those boundaries. It made me realize that all the
bs with the family has been around me putting up
boundaries about how I'll be treated and stuff like that. Anyway,
that led us to talking about the whole situation with Dad,
Grandma all the thing. My mom is a pretty gentle person.
When she heard the things my dad had said to
me last week, she actually dropped the F bomb that

(29:41):
has only ever happened a couple times in my entire life.

Speaker 2 (29:44):
Her response was something like, how effing dare he?

Speaker 3 (29:47):
I told her about the threats about me living here
and spelled out that I'm absolutely miserable that I'm worried
about it being nuclear if I try to move out.
She told me flat out that I've done so much
already by giving them the help for the last three years,
and that she one hundred percent supports me leaving when
I'm ready to. She said, Grandma has the finances to
get the help that she needs and says that I've

(30:09):
done enough. The reference letter never came up given the
conversation that we had. I'm sure my mom would have
brought it up if it was a big deal. In fact,
I don't know if she even knows about me being
asked about it, since everything came through my dad. At
this point, the reference seems minor compared to the relief
that I'm feeling that I was heard, that I'm supported,
and that it's okay if I start working on moving

(30:31):
on with my life. I feel like I matter, So
that's a win.

Speaker 4 (30:34):
Well, that's good.

Speaker 6 (30:35):
That's a good place to be feeling like you matter.

Speaker 4 (30:37):
That's a good place to leave it.

Speaker 1 (30:38):
John here, og host. We're gonna get back to these stories,
but a quick three minute break from as for more sponsors.

Speaker 5 (30:43):
My wife agreed to open our marriage, but she couldn't
handle me with somebody else.

Speaker 2 (30:49):
She with other people though.

Speaker 5 (30:51):
Last summer, while on vacation, my wife DEDI twenty seven
female and I twenty nine male, were approached by another
couple while on a cruise. We had dinner and drinks
with them for a couple of days and had interesting
conversations about their open relationship. They floated several options.

Speaker 6 (31:10):
To us, a threesome, a soft or hard swap.

Speaker 5 (31:14):
But in the end we both weren't comfortable with the idea.
By the way, this comes from user throwaway. Too new
to know and if you want to submit your own stories,
go to the our slash Showkay Story Times Suburn. I'm Dakota,
I'm Carly, and we already give good advice, give fully,
but we don't know all the answers. I'm not the
all seeing, all knowing I We just know what we

(31:35):
would do in any given situation. So if you would
do something different, let us know what it would be
in the comments op he says. We researched and talked
until we finally felt ready to start exploring.

Speaker 4 (31:45):
First, it was.

Speaker 5 (31:46):
Fun going through the apps and looking at different profiles.
We both saw the responses we were getting and laughed
at some and cringed at others. This went on for
several weeks until she finally had a short list and
sent out four responses. All four answered quickly, and she
began texting and talking before setting up her first date.
We both had butterflies when she left. Per our protocols,

(32:08):
she sent me his picture and made sure his ID
matched the name he had given her. I did a
quick search and sent her a thumbs up. She sent
a check in through our tracking app that she was
at his house with an emoji that meant she felt safe.

Speaker 6 (32:21):
A few hours later.

Speaker 5 (32:22):
I got a notice she was mobile and a text
she was on her way home. She came home bouncing
and giggling through the front door. I bet she was
doing that there as well. She had brought me a
pastry home, and while I ate that she showered. Then
I got to experience reclamation spicy sleep with her, and
she brought with it some awesome energy and passion. We

(32:42):
talked the next morning, both excited about the previous night.
We had made plans for a date night for the
two of us the following night and had a wonderful time.
The following week, she met a guy number two for
a short coffee date after work. They hit it off
and made plans for a date the following week. Our
arrangement in the beginning was a one date per week

(33:03):
limit at her request. She had her second date with
guy number one that same week, but I said the
coffee date couldn't count as a date since it was
basically just a meet and greet. The second date with
guy number one went well, and I got another dose
of emotional energy afterwards. Okay, after her second date, I

(33:25):
got an invite from someone I had been talking with,
and we set a date to have drinks and see
where things led.

Speaker 6 (33:31):
I was excited, but Dede was struggling a little.

Speaker 5 (33:34):
As I got ready to leave, we hugged it out
and I offered to stay if she wanted me to,
but she said she needed to push through it and
would be all right. I met Kathy, and, per protocol,
sent Dede a picture and began talking with her. We
were getting along grade and she suggested going somewhere a
little more quiet. I was waiting for a response from
Dede and sent a question mark, which was followed by

(33:56):
a thumbs up. Kathy and I stopped at a bakery
and then went to her house, where I checked in again.
We cuddled for a while and made out on her couch.
Kathy said she didn't want to have spicy sleep on
the first date, which I respected. However, later she initiated
some mouthstuff which became mutual and ended in the shower together.

Speaker 6 (34:18):
As I got dressed to leave, Kathy said.

Speaker 5 (34:20):
We had unfinished business and wanted to know when.

Speaker 4 (34:24):
We could see each other again. I told her.

Speaker 5 (34:26):
About my weekly limit and that sometime next week would
be lovely. I came home to find Deede in tears
and it looked like she had been crying for quite
some time. She thought she could handle it, but said
she just went downhill the whole night. I did everything
I could to comfort and reassure her, and she finally
settled down and just cuddled until we went to sleep.

(34:48):
The next day, she was withdrawn and moped around the house.
I finally got her to open up and talk about it.
She felt like she needed more time to be okay
with sharing me and asked if we could slow down.
I said I would, and asked if she wanted to
talk to someone or if both of us should see
a counselor together. The next day, I was doing some
chores outside and when I came in, I heard Dede

(35:10):
talking on the phone making plans for next Thursday. When
she got off the phone, I asked her who she
was talking to, and she acted startled and started talking
about taking the cars down to get them washed. I
asked her what was going on next Friday, and she
said she had a date with Guy number two. I
said I thought we were going to slow down and
work on some things first, and her answer was they

(35:31):
had already planned their date last week when they had coffee,
and she felt bad about canceling on him. I asked
her if I was the only one not allowed to
date because of her feelings, well, she got to keep
dating other people. After some back and forth, she said
it wasn't fair to guy number two because he had
already made plans. So I picked up my phone and
started texting. When I was done, did he asked me
what I was doing. I said I was confirming a

(35:54):
date with Kathy for next Friday. Wednesday morning, before we
left for work, Dedee came to me asking to please
cancel my date with Kathy until she could get in
and talk with her therapist. I asked for her phone
and started composing a text message to guy number two.
I'm sorry, but I've closed my open marriage with my
husband until I can work through some of my issues.
I hope you understand how sorry I am and forgive

(36:15):
me for the short notice, but my marriage is the
most important thing to me right now. I handed the
phone back to her to read and said, if you
hit send, I'll cancel my date and then you can
copy it and send it to guy number one as well.
She looked like I had just run over her dog
with the car. She said, I was being mean and
didn't care about her feelings.

Speaker 7 (36:33):
You were being mean.

Speaker 3 (36:35):
I think that she's also being completely unfair. But I
think immediately opening your phone and planning a date with
someone after she expressed that was mean.

Speaker 4 (36:45):
You know what's really mean.

Speaker 5 (36:46):
I think strangers on a cruise dictate what you do
in your marriage.

Speaker 4 (36:50):
Yeah, that's mean.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
Yeah, we should just be closing this down for good,
for now.

Speaker 5 (36:55):
I asked her if that message wasn't the same thing
she wanted me to send to Kathy.

Speaker 6 (37:00):
I said it was her choice, but to make it quick.

Speaker 5 (37:02):
I told her I had agreed to slow things down,
but I expected that it would be fair and she
would do the same. Maybe we just need to close
and start over, or maybe just stay closed if this
is how she's going to handle issues when they come up.
I don't think it's fair for her to close my
side when I did nothing wrong. Any advice would be appreciated.
And there's an update it says closed.

Speaker 3 (37:23):
Yeah, exactly if it's either you guys are both gonna
have it open or you're both gonna have it closed,
and there shouldn't.

Speaker 2 (37:29):
Be like this one or the other kind of thing.

Speaker 3 (37:32):
Uh yeah, whatever, which wife wu says you gotta move
your mouse. Married woman here, she's in the wrong. She
wants it open for her and close for her hobby.

Speaker 2 (37:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (37:43):
I think they're both in the wrong and they just
need to close it, which it seems like they did.

Speaker 5 (37:47):
Buddy, it sounded like you really enjoyed that reclamation crackdown.
What's the problem now you go get you gotta get
some reclamation from Kathy.

Speaker 3 (37:58):
Well. I can't totally underst stand him being like it's
not fair that she's going to keep going on dates
and that I'm not allowed to anymore, but also at
the same time, like, don't be vindictive about it and
don't immediately be like, oh, you have a date that
you like already had pre scheduled. Well, I'm going to
schedule one right now because I know it will upset you,
Like that's you're just both being petty and discussed.

Speaker 5 (38:18):
Well, to be fair, I think that that's like the easiest,
quickest way to be like, Hey, do you see how
ridiculous you're being right now?

Speaker 3 (38:25):
Being like because I didn't even know what ridiculous, Because ridiculous.

Speaker 5 (38:31):
It's her being like, well, I can't cancel the date
because we.

Speaker 2 (38:33):
Already totally cancel the date. And he also doesn't have to.

Speaker 5 (38:37):
Be like well, because I think him and Kathy already
has right.

Speaker 3 (38:41):
No, he planned that because she said she already had
something planned.

Speaker 4 (38:45):
Oh well whatever, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (38:46):
You guys clearly both don't want this.

Speaker 7 (38:49):
Just close it.

Speaker 5 (38:50):
Update so died. He sent the message I wrote with
an addition, due to a crisis I had after my
husband's first date. Guy number one was gracious and understood,
and guy number two was very rude and blocked her afterwards.
She has an appointment with her therapist on Monday morning,
but our couple's therapists can't see us for ten days.
Her therapist did talk with her on the phone for

(39:11):
twenty minutes. Today, Dede has been listening to podcasts or
had her nose in a book since last weekend. We
both kind of agree that instead of keeping busy and distracted,
she just sat and let it overwhelm her. Monday night,
after her session, she wants to sit down and talk
with me about reopening, starting with a date with Kathy
and me that Friday.

Speaker 6 (39:29):
If she feels ready.

Speaker 5 (39:30):
He both agreed to stay in contact with guy number
one in Kathy, guy number two, and everyone else we
know contact for now. So we made a deal. I
get to go on two dates and if she could
learn to deal with it, that she could start dating again.
When she came home from her first two dates, I
was happy and supportive and we ended up having some
austrom splashers sleep. When she got home after my first date,

(39:51):
which didn't end with splash ash sleep, I came home
to a crying mess. Rather than getting to ride that feeling,
I got pulled down into a pit of despair. I
told my if they coming home to that wasn't worth
the effort and we might as well stay closed.

Speaker 6 (40:03):
She went to her.

Speaker 5 (40:04):
Therapist and she had a plan to go out with
a girlfriend and keep herself busy instead of sitting at
home and circling the drain thinking about my date. I
went on the next date and came home before she did.
When she got home, I got a hug, but that
was about it. At least she wasn't crying, and it
was some improvement. Friday morning, she woke up whining about
my third date and wanting to know if I would

(40:27):
postpone it. I said it would be unfair to cancel
my date with Kathy on such short notice, but if
she felt that way, we could just chalk this up
to a failed experiment and go back to monogamy. We
ate lunch together later and she said she felt better
about it and wanted me.

Speaker 6 (40:40):
To go ahead with my date.

Speaker 4 (40:42):
I had a great time and came home just bouncing.

Speaker 5 (40:46):
But when I came home I saw two wine bottles
almost empty in the kitchen counter and Deeede curled up
on the couch intoxicated. I didn't get a warm welcome home.
She was short, sarcastic, and mean.

Speaker 6 (40:55):
I said, that's it.

Speaker 5 (40:56):
This isn't going to work out, and she could consider
our marriage closed again that I went to bed. See
the fact that you're using that as like it's a
this is a punishment.

Speaker 6 (41:04):
Fine, this is gonna work.

Speaker 4 (41:05):
It's closed.

Speaker 3 (41:07):
I think that's what's annoying me. Like, I get that
she's being really like all over the place, and she
should like figure out exactly what she wants before they
try this again. They both need to figure out what
they want before they try it again. But it's the
fact that when like, and she's not handling it well, guys,
I know, But then he like immediately comes back with like, okay, fine,
Like no, dude.

Speaker 2 (41:26):
He's like, that's what it's like. He's like, you're just
closed it already.

Speaker 3 (41:30):
Like you guys can't sit down and have a normal
conversation about this without one of you getting pissy and
running away.

Speaker 5 (41:35):
It's just if you're if you're someone's partner, and it's
like you should you, you dude, have the intuition to
know she's not okay with it. She's saying she's okay
with it because she probably thinks you want her to.

Speaker 4 (41:47):
Be okay with it really bad, because you've made it
clear you kind of do, cause it's.

Speaker 3 (41:51):
Like right, and it's just she's cheating and that's a
whole nother problem then, But we don't, like we don't
know that for sure. Yeah, guys, I don't know man,
Casey Walker says, dude, where at you guys are looking
for a stupid This whole thing is stupid.

Speaker 2 (42:03):
Yes it is.

Speaker 6 (42:04):
Saturday morning.

Speaker 5 (42:05):
I woke up disappointed and slightly angry about the whole situation.
I got a hungover DEDI out of bed and said
we needed to have a serious talk. I waited until
she was on her second cup of coffee before I
got started. Our deal was I would go on a
couple of dates, and if she was fine, she could
start dating again. If she wasn't fine, we would close
for six months to give her time to exercise her demons,

(42:27):
and then I would start dating. If things went well,
she could then start dating again herself. I told her
I was through. I didn't want to come home after
a date and have to deal with all this drama again.
I said, that's not what she had to deal with
when she came home, and it just wasn't fair.

Speaker 3 (42:42):
Well, buddy, I feel like you got to enjoy her
coming home too.

Speaker 2 (42:46):
I feel like you've both enjoyed that.

Speaker 6 (42:48):
One, right, That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (42:50):
It's like if you if you did enjoy that and
you hadn't gone on any dates, then why do you need.

Speaker 4 (42:55):
To do it again just like just es it?

Speaker 5 (42:58):
Yeah, said she was sorry for what she said last night.
She knew she acted awful towards me and kept saying
how sorry she was. I reminded her what we agreed
upon and that she should send a last message to
anyone she was still talking to before she blocked them
and deleted all her dating profiles. She wanted to stay
in contact with a couple of them since they had
become friends, but I said they would be a distraction

(43:21):
and temptation.

Speaker 4 (43:21):
That wouldn't be healthy.

Speaker 5 (43:23):
I told her we could have one more couple session
for closure, and she could keep seeing her individual therapist
or get a new one if she thought that would help.
Maybe in the fall we could revisit this again. She
begged for another chance, but I said I couldn't take
the emotional rollercoaster anymore. She just needed more time to
sort through and deal with her feelings before we opened
up again. She said I was lucky to find someone

(43:45):
like Kathy, whom I connected with so fast, and she
was afraid it might take a long time for her
to find somebody like that.

Speaker 6 (43:50):
When we tried again.

Speaker 5 (43:52):
I have tried the last few weeks to be supportive
and showered Deity with extra love and attention to help
her get through this. For now we are closed. I
feel some resentment and I'm sure Dd may as well,
and we will address that. Update two, my wife coming
to terms with my dating other people.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
Great cool. I'm so happy for you guys.

Speaker 5 (44:14):
Who are these master like who talked to you on
this cruise? It's just like the most like convincing, smooth talking.

Speaker 4 (44:23):
Stores of all.

Speaker 6 (44:25):
Why do they why? Why? Why do they feel the
need that it has to be open?

Speaker 5 (44:32):
This story is just because it's like once you open
it and close it, it's like we failed, you know,
we we we're not we're not on top anymore. We're
like we're not transcendent, Like we're just like everyone else.
So we lost the game.

Speaker 6 (44:43):
Like I don't get it.

Speaker 2 (44:45):
Neither of you are okay with this. Just keep it closed, please.

Speaker 5 (44:51):
Please, my goodness, My wife Didi met my other partner
Kathy for lunch without me present. Kathy was more experienced
in ethical non monogamy and was able to relate to
d D and also dispel some preconceived notions she had
Dede came back from lunch with a much better mindset,
and she has been dealing with our dates much better.

Speaker 6 (45:10):
The three of us.

Speaker 5 (45:11):
Went out to dinner together last week and it was
really special. Dede has also been working with her therapist
to understand and deal with her feelings without spiraling whenever
I go on a date. That and our new puppy
have done wonders for her mood swings.

Speaker 4 (45:24):
On the last few dates, she has.

Speaker 5 (45:26):
Been more engaging when I return, and her mood definitely brighter.
We're starting to reconnect more emotionally and physically, which has
done wonders to improve my experience since I was feeling
guilt and stress returning home to the point of wanting
to just throw in the towels.

Speaker 6 (45:41):
If the situation is.

Speaker 5 (45:42):
That when you when your wife went on these dates
and you liked it when she came back home and
you reclaimed her, and then when you went on dates
and you came back home she was upset, and you go, Okay, well,
I don't like that. This makes you upset. I don't
think this is going to really work. Let's go back
and she goes, no, no, no, I absolutely have to get cracked
by other people, and you go, well, I'm not okay

(46:04):
with that.

Speaker 6 (46:05):
Guess what your marriage just.

Speaker 2 (46:07):
Broke where you guys just close it? Close it?

Speaker 5 (46:10):
Well, if she's demanding, like, oh, I'm not no, I
need to keep doing this.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
Some somewhere is the broken you broke it. I don't
even know you broke something.

Speaker 2 (46:19):
You guys switched codes.

Speaker 7 (46:21):
I'm over it.

Speaker 5 (46:22):
You've broken your marriage, just finish it. We both agreed
that she should start dating again since she has come
so far. Her previous contacts have moved on since she
shut her side down, so she has had to start
from scratch. She's talking to a few guys but has
yet to meet one in person. Kathy and I are
only seeing each other once.

Speaker 6 (46:39):
A week for now. That may change when DeeDee starts
dating again.

Speaker 5 (46:44):
I brought up the topic of overnights with Kathy, but
she thinks it's too soon to push Dede's comfort level.
I agreed, but it's something that we are both looking
forward to. This whole experience has brought us closer together,
and we talk about relationship issues way more than we
did before. I'm looking forward to both of us being
able to date and explore this new chapter together.

Speaker 6 (47:06):
I can't wait for you to get to the divorce.

Speaker 5 (47:09):
Chapter because that comes right after this one. Buddy, ooh,
that's the end of that story.

Speaker 3 (47:15):
My wife ended things with our poly friends after they
tried to exclude me.

Speaker 7 (47:20):
You can't handle my wife. You don't deserve me.

Speaker 3 (47:23):
So I twenty eight male, and my wife Gwen twenty
nine female, met five years ago at a monch and
really connected.

Speaker 2 (47:30):
It was lust at first sight.

Speaker 3 (47:34):
We dated for a year, and when she got a
job offer in another city, I asked her to marry
me and stay. She stayed, but wanted an open relationship
because she was by We opened up six months later
and got married soon after.

Speaker 2 (47:48):
By the way, this comes.

Speaker 3 (47:49):
From Throwaway to Play, and if you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r okay storytime subreddit.
I'm Carly, I'm Sophia, and we're here to get give
good advice. Goofily, but we don't have all the answers.
We only know what we to do, So let us
know what you would do in the comments. And Opie
says we both date separately. I have a couple of

(48:09):
friends with benefits and she has a girlfriend.

Speaker 2 (48:12):
Who I adore.

Speaker 3 (48:13):
Last year she started dating a couple male female, Tom
and Kathy. They do in overnight every other weekend or so.
The two girls are super close and her husband plays
with them sometimes. Last month, they told Gwen they were
hosting a spicy hobby event and wanted her to attend.
They really built it up as a large event and

(48:36):
got her pumped up. She came home and was telling
me everything about it, and I expressed a desire to
go with her, as we had been getting into different
things lately. She was talking to Kathy and mentioned we
were looking forward to attending, and was asking more questions.
Towards the end of her call, Kathy asked if Gwen

(48:56):
truly wanted me to attend or if I was in see.
Gwen explained how we were looking to spice up our
routine and this event sounded exciting for both of us.
That next weekend, Gwen went to Tom and Kathy's place
and had a good time, but before she left, Tom
said that the event was invitation only and not a

(49:19):
plus one event. Gwen got a little upset, but Kathy
said they could work something out where everyone was happy.
Gwen came home upset and told me what transpired and
how she was unhappy with how things worked out, especially
Tom waiting till she was about to.

Speaker 2 (49:35):
Leave to spring the news to her.

Speaker 3 (49:38):
I was disappointed and told her if she wanted to
go without me, there would be other events we co'd
go to together, but she was confident in what Kathy
told her and.

Speaker 2 (49:47):
Was sure we could go together.

Speaker 3 (49:49):
Gwen reached out to Kathy a couple of times but
never got a firm answer. Gwen left Friday to spend
the night at Tom and Kathy's again, but called me
about nine pm asked asking if I was out or
at home and was heading back to our house. I
met her there and she was super emotional, she said.
She asked about the event when she got there, and

(50:10):
they evaded discussing it. She told Kathy she was not
comfortable being around Tom that night, and the two of
them went off together and talked. Kathy told Gwen that
there was another spicy hobby event in January at a
club that the four of us could attend together, but
that I wouldn't be able to attend this event at

(50:31):
their house. Gwen told her that we had already scheduled
that night as a date night and if I wasn't
welcome she wouldn't be able to attend either. After some
more discussion, Gwen said maybe they needed to take a
break and maybe in January, after that event, she.

Speaker 2 (50:45):
Could reevaluate their relationship.

Speaker 3 (50:48):
She left without talking to Tom, but he called her
on the way home and accused her of holding Kathy's
feelings hostage and how wrong that was?

Speaker 7 (50:56):
Was it even mean?

Speaker 3 (50:57):
Yeah, like Gwen' said a boundary, gonna come. I don't
think I can go come this have plans? Yeah, And
he's like getting mad at her.

Speaker 7 (51:05):
She's like, well, you're you're holding Kathy's feelings hostage. I
can't hold her feelings hostage. That's not how feelings work.
She's completely in control of around feelings.

Speaker 3 (51:15):
Gwen told him nothing of the kind, but said they
weren't taking her feelings into account either. She accused Tom
of not wanting me there because they didn't want to
share Gwen's attention and I would have spoiled their plans,
She said. He got quiet and Gwen told him not
to contact her again. Gwen cried on my shoulder the
rest of the night, and I told her she was

(51:36):
right to end things with them. Kathy tried to call
the next morning at least five times, but Gwen wouldn't answer.
She left several tiery voicemails pleading with Gwen to talk
to her, and left two long text messages and emails.
I'm trying to stay neutral, but it wouldn't bother me
if she shut the door on that relationship. But Gwen
and Cathy had a strong bond for over a year,

(51:59):
and I can tell it's taking a toll on Gwen.
Gwen came home with a big grin and a couple
of messages. First was a text from Kathy saying she
would love to come to dinner at our house this
Saturday and possibly stay the night. She also requested that
the three of us have dinner together. She is anxious
to finally get to know me better. Second was an

(52:21):
email from Tom. He apologized for making a lot of
grave errors around the party and how he handled things.
He was also very disturbed that Gwen and I no
longer considered their house a safe place. He wanted to
take all of us out to dinner somewhere and discuss
things and mend some fences. He was very contrite and

(52:42):
took the blame for all the mistakes that were made.
Gwen told Kathy, we could see her anytime after six
on Saturday. She had also composed a response to Tom's email.
It was lengthy, and I told her she could have
easily just shortened it to pound. Sand I talked to
out of her version and told her to just agree

(53:02):
to meet them in a.

Speaker 2 (53:03):
Couple of weeks so she could see how.

Speaker 3 (53:05):
Her date with Kathy went first, any advice, And we
do have an update, But.

Speaker 7 (53:11):
I'm honestly I don't quite there's a lot going on here. Yeah,
Kathy and Tom seem like they're creating problems where there
aren't any, right, But I also think that if I don't,
maybe maybe we don't need to be having a relationship
with these people that are.

Speaker 3 (53:27):
Right, Because wasn't making Gwen only dating Kathy. Yeah, so
she's not even really dating Tom for so for Tom
to like come in and be like the one kind
of controlling things was weird to me.

Speaker 4 (53:39):
Weird.

Speaker 7 (53:40):
All of this is weird. I just I feel like
I would want to like take a step back from.

Speaker 3 (53:44):
The right right, which just sounds like she did. Yeah,
So I'm just kind of like, where's this going.

Speaker 7 (53:50):
I don't know, I need more information. Update.

Speaker 3 (53:52):
So Kathy took my wife up on her invitation for
dinner and a date at our house. My beef ribs
came out perfect and the whole dinner was spot on.
Kathy went on and on about how good everything was,
and we had a good conversation but skirted some of
the issues Gwen had lately. I stayed long enough to
help put the leftovers away and load the dishwasher. Then

(54:15):
I opened the second bottle of wine and made my exit.
When I got back after eleven PM, they were in
the spare bedroom with the door closed. I slipped into
the shower and got ready for bed. Gwen popped in
and said good night, and I heard her open her drawer.
She said Kathy was staying the night. I woke up
to the smell of fresh cinnamon rolls and came into

(54:36):
the kitchen to find them both at the table drinking coffee.
Kathy got up and thanked us for a wonderful time
and gave me a hug before grabbing her bag and
heading for the door. Gwen walked her out to her
car and they hugged and kissed before Kathy drove off.
Gwen said they had a great time and got up
for another cup of coffee, making me wait and ask
about anything else. She smiled and said before I got back,

(55:00):
they were cleaning up a little and Kathy asked if
I was coming back. Then she said she wished I
would reconsider coming next weekend to the party. Gwen told
her we had both had some interest in exploring, but
wanted our first exposure to be together. Then she went
on to say how underhanded Tom had handled it and
strung her along by not giving a definite answer until

(55:23):
the next morning after he got to play with the
both of them. After being manipulated like that, she didn't
feel safe at their house anymore, especially at a party
like that, she said. Kathy changed the subject and asked
if we had given Tom's invitation to dinner any thought.
They talked about it, and Gwen told Kathy maybe we
could do it this Friday, the day before the event,

(55:45):
otherwise it would have to wait till after the first
of the year. With the holidays falling the way they did.
Gwen brought up when Kathy wanted to schedule another day,
and they both decided to hold off till after the holidays.
We were both surprised she didn't try to pressure Gwen
more and just dropped everything after casually mentioning them. Depending
on how dinner with Tom goes, Gwen wants to continue

(56:08):
on with Kathy and we have another update, but any thoughts.

Speaker 7 (56:15):
I don't trust Kathy either. Yeah, she's trying to say like, oh,
it was Tom. I would love for you to come though,
but it was it was Tom's fault. Why this all happened, right?
I I don't know. I don't quite trust her.

Speaker 2 (56:28):
Yeah, I'm not sure how I'm feeling you.

Speaker 7 (56:32):
Doesn't I don't know. I feel like Kathy and Tom
are just gonna make this whole thing right too tricky.

Speaker 3 (56:38):
I feel like we totally could have just been like, hey,
it's not gonna happen for this event, but we'll reconsider
for the next one, and everyone should.

Speaker 2 (56:45):
Have just dropped it. Yeah, let's move on for it's
not gonna work this time. Update too.

Speaker 3 (56:52):
So Gwen and I took Tom up on his offer
to take us out for dinner to try to mend
some fences and clear the air. It was a nice restaurant,
not too loud we couldn't talk, and not so quiet
we couldn't talk about delicate topics without being overheard, Tom
apologized for not being clear about the party and communicating better.

Speaker 2 (57:11):
He was sorry.

Speaker 3 (57:12):
Gwen felt unsafe at their house now and hoped after
the dust settled, they could take turns hosting their get togethers.
Gwen was quick to point out that she felt manipulated
by not getting a straight answer about her request and
being strung along with promises to work out something, and
that there was some wiggle room where an accommodation could
be made for me to attend. That last part, she

(57:34):
was staring at Kathy the whole time. To top it off,
she felt used when she wasn't given a final answer
until after Tom had gotten a chance to get in
her pants. Kathy was the one to apologize now and
said that was never her intention and that she wanted
Gwen at the event and was trying to find a
workaround to make that happen.

Speaker 2 (57:54):
Gwen said because of.

Speaker 3 (57:55):
The way things went down, she no longer felt safe
at their house actually if Tom was there, and now
there was no way she would attend even if I
was invited. Luckily, the food came out and the temperature
at the table came down a few degrees as the
dinner wound down, Tom extended an invitation to a New

(58:16):
Year's Eve party one of his friends was throwing. He
said it would be a great opportunity for us to
meet some of his friends and for Tom and Kathy
to get a chance to know me better. It's a
little bit left, but I'd.

Speaker 7 (58:27):
Agree with cow about as God. Kathy's she's up to something.

Speaker 2 (58:31):
She's up to something.

Speaker 7 (58:32):
I feel like this is they're all up to something.
I saw a lot of comments that were saying, like
Kathy and Tom want Opie's why Gwen? Yeah, to themselves,
that's what it feels like. Yeah, and I feel like
the dinner to clear the air. They're just doing it
for the look of it, not actually because they want to.

Speaker 3 (58:50):
It was just to get her comfortable to continue back
to where they are, or to get her to come
to the party. I think, I don't get what's so
wrong about Opie going to this party because.

Speaker 7 (59:00):
They don't want him there.

Speaker 3 (59:01):
I know, but it's like your whole story is completely crumpled,
because it's like, just let op comme and we'd have
no problem, zero issue.

Speaker 7 (59:09):
Yeah, it's trap, says.

Speaker 3 (59:12):
I thanked him for the invitation, but declined as we
were already going to one of my partner's houses to
their party. Gwen told Kathy after Christmas they should get
together again, and they hugged it out. I shook Tom's
hand and thanked him for dinner, But when he went
to say goodbye to Gwen, she managed to keep the
table between them.

Speaker 2 (59:31):
Oh, just like hugging him over the table. I guess
she's like, bye bye bye.

Speaker 3 (59:35):
Yeah, clearly she doesn't feel comfortable with Tom. It doesn't
seem like it, which, like I totally agree. It feels
like I feel like it's been really weird for.

Speaker 2 (59:43):
And it was. It was achy Yewie handled that.

Speaker 7 (59:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (59:46):
Overall the dinner stayed pretty civil, no yelling or blood
was spilled, but it did get a little chilly at times.
With any luck, Gwen can soelve the her relationship with
Kathy and continue going forward. And that's the end of
that story.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
Sam here og host. We're going to get back to
these stories. But here's three minutes fads from our sponsors.

Speaker 7 (01:00:04):
First, my wife wanted to open our marriage after she
slept with a coworker.

Speaker 2 (01:00:09):
You have to open it before you sleep with them.

Speaker 7 (01:00:12):
So I mail thirty nine have been married to my wife.
Female thirty one for six years. We have two young kids.
It started as a very passionate relationship, and although the
initial passion has waned, we have been still are very
much in love. We communicate well and fights are usually
brief and conducted civilly. That had problems on and off

(01:00:34):
in our marriage, but nothing that I thought was fatal
or that couldn't be resolved with some work and or therapy.
By the way, this comes from apprehensive log and if
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash Okay story time supparate it. I'm Sophia, I'm Carly.
We're here to give good advice Goofily, but we don't
have all the answers. We only know what we'd do,
so let us know what you would do in the commons. Recently,

(01:00:54):
she hasn't been spicyly satisfied and it has really been
bought her. I've suffered from ED my whole life, but
we have spicy sleep pretty regularly. The ED flares up periodically,
but it's a real issue when it does, and the
psychological damage it does to her self esteem lasts even
in the periods where I'm not experiencing experiencing ED. I

(01:01:17):
know my fear of ED affects our spicy sleep life.
We discussed going to see a couple's therapist, and we've
just started seeing one. I've also got some psialysis, but
it's incredibly expensive here and I'm not sure it's dealing
with the source of the problem. My wife mentioned to
me a few weeks ago that she had been out
with some friends from work and started flirting with a

(01:01:38):
guy she works with I'll call them Jay. She confessed
there was mutual attraction of a kind she hasn't felt
for years. Oh oh zoo jeetin. They discussed the mutual
attraction but didn't act on it. Before our first therapy session,
she raised the idea of opening our marriage to solve
her problem of spicy dissatisfaction. I've certainly fantasized about her

(01:02:02):
with other guys, and I might not be opposed to
her having casual hookups or maybe even swing if we
could establish some good ground rules. However, we've only just
begun therapy and I really don't know how I would
feel about it in reality. My biggest problem, though, came
up when I mentioned that if we ever did go
down the monogamous road, I would never be comfortable with

(01:02:24):
her sleeping with anyone she worked with or who was
a friend, and especially not Jay, because it feels like
the wedge between us that started this. However fair that
feeling might be. She went quiet for a minute, then
said he's the first person in a long time she's
had a strong attraction to, and that she's worried she
would have trouble finding someone elsewhere that she could experience

(01:02:47):
spicy satisfaction with some guidance from this community and especially
from those who have been through similar situations, would be welcome,
and there is an update. What do you think they
should do?

Speaker 2 (01:02:58):
Shit, I think she's gonna cheat with you either way.

Speaker 7 (01:03:01):
Yeah, I don't think that.

Speaker 2 (01:03:02):
Like, I don't think you should then like let her Yeah.

Speaker 7 (01:03:05):
Uesus says it's not cheating when they've been communicating about
it openly.

Speaker 3 (01:03:09):
However, cheating because he said he with no, he said no,
don't do that.

Speaker 7 (01:03:13):
And also she said that we've confessed feelings.

Speaker 2 (01:03:16):
They're flirted a whole bit.

Speaker 7 (01:03:18):
Yeah, they've already been flirting, So emotional cheating has happened
before it was discussed openly, and now she's saying I
want to have spicy sleep with him, and Opie said, no,
I don't want that, and so if she still does that,
then that's cheating.

Speaker 3 (01:03:31):
Like they fully were like, if we open it, it's
going to be no coworkers and no friends. Yeah, will
have to be people we do not know, and she
was like, okay, but like I really like my coworker
and friends.

Speaker 7 (01:03:42):
Okay, what have you thought about? I want to do
it anyway.

Speaker 4 (01:03:45):
Jay.

Speaker 7 (01:03:46):
AnyWho, My wife and I realized very soon after we
had the initial conversation about Jay that we've both been
fantasizing about bringing other people into the relationship. We talked
about this, both got very aroused and ended up having
the best spicy sleep we've had since before we were married.
Since then, we haven't been able to keep our hands
off each other, and the shared fantasies continue. All great

(01:04:09):
so far. However, my wife brought up the subject of
Jay again the evening after we had the great spicy sleep.
She said she had previously thought that the marriage was
over and had in fact had spicy sleep with Jay
despite assuring me and me trusting her that I was
just feelings at the stage. It was quite a complicated deception,

(01:04:30):
with her telling me she was going on a trip
where she had to stay overnight, when in fact she
and Jay spent the night at a hotel. As you
can imagine, I was extremely hurt and upset. I hadn't
thought her capable of such a serious deception. She slept
on the sofa and I spent the night in shock,
thinking things over and over. The most surprising thing for me, though,

(01:04:50):
was the fact that I didn't really care about the
fact that she'd had spicy sleep with Jay. I was
and still am very upset about the deception, but the
thought what of her effingem doesn't really bother me, and
in fact is kind of hot.

Speaker 3 (01:05:04):
Sir.

Speaker 7 (01:05:04):
Okay, okay, hold on a minute.

Speaker 2 (01:05:06):
So he's just mad that she lied.

Speaker 7 (01:05:08):
Yes, okay, it's okay if you like are into her
having spicy sleep with other people, But don't forget.

Speaker 2 (01:05:14):
That she did cheat, so was still cheating, still cheating.

Speaker 7 (01:05:17):
We talked about this, and I made it clear that
she wasn't off the hook for cheating. But it has
made it more clear to me that I don't think
I'll suffer so much from the jealousy issues I was
worried about. It has made it clear to me that
I think non monogamy is possible, maybe even the best
for us. However, I said that for us to move forward,
Jay has to be off the table. She was hesitant

(01:05:38):
to agree, for the same reason as before that she's
worried about not being able to make a connection with
anyone else easily. I left her alone to think about it,
and about a day later, she said she wanted to
break off contact with Jay. Fixing our bedroom issues now
seems within reach to her. The ed hasn't reared its
head since before. All this happened without touching the siasis,

(01:05:58):
and we still have the marriage kids to fight for.
Our marriage already seems better. That brings me to why
I'm making this post. Although things seem like they're getting better,
I feel like so much has happened in the past week.
My emotions are all over the place, and there's still
so much uncertainty. We are seeing the therapist again next week,
and of course I'll bring all of this up, but

(01:06:19):
it would be useful to know whether this community has
any advice. Am I stupid for thinking things can work
now after the cheating? Is it all going to go
pear shaped as soon as we get near the bedroom
with other people? For real, how easy is it going
to be to find others who are interested in this lifestyle.
I think my ideal starting point would be a similar couple,
i e. People who are very committed to each other

(01:06:40):
but are aroused by the idea of including others in
the bedroom. And there is a second update, But I
honestly don't think that anyone.

Speaker 6 (01:06:49):
I don't know.

Speaker 7 (01:06:49):
I don't know if Reddit will be entirely helpful here.
I yeah, because I think most of Reddit's advice would
be that you should divorce, yeah, because she cheated on you. However,
I will say that this is not really a normal
situation because it seems like you're super chill with it.

(01:07:10):
Uh yeah, And I feel like if you are already
kind of like chill with her having spicy sleep with
another person and you guys have kids, Like this is
never my advice, but I think maybe you could work
through it. Yeah, this is literally never to be Yeah,
how I totally work through this. Never my advice, Never

(01:07:31):
my advice, It is such a specific situation. Update two, Well,
we found a really good therapist who specializes in E
and M, which is ethical non monogamy. Although I did
have in mind the advice that we shouldn't be thinking
about E and M until we had sorted out the
problems in the marriage. The therapist didn't push it on
us in the first few sessions were focused on just

(01:07:53):
fixing the underlying problems. It turns out that those problems
were serious and we're damaging the marriage, but weren't actually
that difficult to fix. I won't bore you with details
of generic marriage problems, but we made some changes and
added some long D and ms and ended up happier
than we have ever been, probably since we first started dating.
After a few sessions, we started talking seriously about E

(01:08:15):
and M. My SOO hasn't dropped the idea, and I
was still interested. After some very careful boundary setting, including
that Jay, the guy she had cheated with in the
first place, was completely off the table, we decided to
tentatively start dating other people. I think the story from
year is probably similar to many other people exploring in.

Speaker 4 (01:08:35):
M, but all included.

Speaker 7 (01:08:36):
Anyway, we used dating apps, found that S was getting
way more matches, as I understand is often the case
with MF couples. However, I did get some matches and
started chatting with a few people We both went on
a few dates, made a few mistakes here and there,
and had some fun times. We were both struggling with jealousy,
but it's getting easier with the increasing trust between us
and the improving understanding ever wants and needs. There is

(01:08:59):
a little bit left this story.

Speaker 3 (01:09:00):
But yeah, I don't like being like, Yay, I'm happy
this worked for you, because it's like, I'm so upset
that she lied and cheated and deceived you, but you
are really excited about it.

Speaker 7 (01:09:14):
I really want everyone to realize or to understand that.
I this is not my advice for any other story ever,
but I think that you guys can work it out as.

Speaker 4 (01:09:25):
You have been.

Speaker 3 (01:09:26):
I would prepare yourself for the fact that she'll probably
maybe do it with someone that you don't want her
to again.

Speaker 7 (01:09:33):
Yeah, but I mean the oopy says they're figuring it out.

Speaker 3 (01:09:35):
But if you are also okay with that, then okay.

Speaker 7 (01:09:40):
I feel like OPI would be like, hey, don't lie
to me. But I'm kind of into it as of now.
I have someone i'm dating regularly and there's a really
good mutual attraction. She was specifically looking for someone practicing
me and m after having some bad experiences with possessive
and overbearing partners. My SO has had some bad luck
in keeping partners interested after one or two dates. I
wonder if that has something to do with how men

(01:10:01):
behave in spicy related relationships generally. But I think she
may have found someone recently who she'll see regularly. The
initial chaos of emotions and stress after we almost separated
has gone. We both worked really hard on fixing the marriage.
Communication and trust is much better. We're actively practicing E
and M and both happier than we have been in

(01:10:22):
years with it. Of course, it could still all go
pear shaped, but it was going that way anyway before
we tried it, and that's the end of that story.

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I was asked to GAIN weight… so I don’t outshine the bride! -r/relationships | Reddit Stories

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}I was asked to GAIN weight… so I don’t outshine the bride! -r/relationships | Reddit Stories