My “best friend” SABOTAGED my wedding… so I cut her off for good! -r/bridezillas | Reddit Stories | EP2337 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, this is jonnas is Sam your og Okay Storytime
podcast hosts. We have some great stories coming up.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
But before that, we have a quick two minute break
from the sponsors that keep the show alive. My best
friend sabotaged my wedding, so I cut her off for good.

Speaker 3 (00:13):
Not your best friend anymore.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
I thirty female, have been really good friends with someone
we'll call Ali thirty female over the last four years.
We met in our second degrees at university and became
good friends. We didn't have much in common, but we
had a similar sense of humor and being able to
have a good laugh bonded us. Ali is simply a
fun person to be around. By the way, this comes
from glum Value forty seven forty three and if you

(00:35):
want to submit your own stories, go to the r
slash Okay Storytime Separate it. I'm Sophia, I'm Carly, and
I'm ke On, and we're here to give good advice goofully,
But we don't have all the answers. We only know
what we'd do, so let us know what you would
do in the comments. As time progressed, Ali told me
more about her life and her struggles with mental health.
I also struggle with mental health and have worked in
the field, so I felt comfortable discussing this. I really

(00:57):
liked Ali, and we had become such good friends that
of course I didn't mind being there. For there were
many nights where she would call me, usually intoxicated, because
she had had a hard time talking about feelings to
discuss whatever was bothering her. I found it stressful sometimes
since often she would call when it wasn't convenient. But
she was my good friend and I cared about her,
so I would always put whatever I was doing on

(01:18):
hold to talk over time. I noticed that when something
was bothering me and I wanted to talk, she wouldn't
make the same kind of time for me. If I
brought anything up that was going on with me, she
would quickly change the conversation after a few minutes. But
I chalked it up to her having a hard time
talking about emotions. I justified it by thinking it wasn't
because she didn't care, she just didn't know what to say.

(01:38):
When I was getting married to my partner of eight years,
Allie and I had become such good friends, I asked
her to be my bridesmaid. I'm still a student so
money is tight and I'm super busy, but I tried
to make being a bridesmaid as simple and stress free
as possible. The only thing I asked of my bridesmaids
was to buy their own dress, but they could choose
the style as long as it was any shade of

(01:59):
this particular color we were going with. Beyond this, everything
else was optional. Alie said she wanted hair and makeup done,
so I hired someone at a reasonable price, sixty dollars
for makeup, eighty dollars for hair, and if they wanted
it done, they could pay for it themselves. I asked
who wanted hair and makeup months in advance, told them
the prices, and signed the contract. There were no other
costs associated with the wedding, and I specifically said no gifts,

(02:23):
because their gift to me was just being my bridesmaid.
But I felt that Allie made every event of my
wedding about her, or made it unnecessarily stressful. My mom
flew in from out of town to come shopping for
my wedding dress and take my bridesmaids out for lunch
the day we went. Ali called about an hour beforehand
and said she didn't want to come because a guy
on a dating app had ghosted her at dress alterations

(02:45):
months later. She was so late she arrived just as
I was taking the dress off, despite being at home.
With no reason for the delay or the bachelorette, I
suggested she just going to the spa for a day.
Allie generously offered her family go cottage for a weekend.
I was excited, but when we got there, Alli and
Mandy hung out together, even leaving one day to go

(03:06):
into town for drinks without inviting me or anyone else.
At the cottage, we discussed wedding day transport. The wedding
was forty to fifty minutes out of town, so I
arranged a shuttle for guests safety. The shuttles were expensive,
so I asked guests to pay thirty bucks per person
to supplement costs. The wedding party could use it free,
but I needed to know ahead of time to book it.
Alli and Mandy said they wanted the shuttle. When I

(03:28):
got home, I booked a second shuttle since they put
me over the limit, costing an extra one thousand dollars.

Speaker 3 (03:34):
Okay, but it was forty to fifty minutes.

Speaker 4 (03:35):
I was like at that point just get an uber
for those truth, it'd be.

Speaker 3 (03:38):
So much cheaper.

Speaker 2 (03:39):
Probably the day we got back from the cottage, Ali
said that she felt bad for me because my maid
of honor did nothing. Ali said, my maid of honor
didn't plan anything and didn't seem to care that it
was my bachelorette. I felt like Ali was trying to
turn me against my maid of honor. But my maid
of honor did everything I wanted. I didn't want of
us made. I just wanted to have a chill weekend.

(04:00):
And Allie made me feel super stressed out because she
was concerned about the timeline of the wedding day and
made me feel that I didn't have enough things organized.
She asked why I hadn't brought umbrellas in case it
rained and we needed them for pictures, why I hadn't
got the bridesmaids to buy matching pjs for pictures in
the morning, and what we were going to cook the
night before the wedding in the airbnb. She was getting
me stressed about things I didn't care about, or things

(04:22):
that my maid of honor or I had already planned.
She said that she wanted to take over some of
the planning but I tried to assure her I had
it covered. About three weeks before the wedding, Ali asked
to see the document where I had the schedule for
the day. I sent Ali the Excel document. There were
lots of tabs in this document, with one clearly labeled
schedule and one labeled budget. I got a text from

(04:43):
Alie telling me she no longer wanted hair and makeup.
I was confused because she was the one that specifically
asked for hair and makeup. I told her that I
had already signed the contract, but she asked me to
ask the hair and makeup girl if I could remove her.
Then I got a phone call from Mandy. Mandy was
only getting part she'll make up done for forty bucks.
She called to tell me she didn't want it either.

(05:03):
I asked her why, and Mandy said that Allie had
called her and told her that Ali was going to
have to pay over two hundred dollars for hair and makeup,
so I'd advised Mandy to cancel too. At this point
I realized what had happened. Alli had looked at the
budget page of the Excel document. Because I was the
pride and I have trials, my hair and makeup was
significantly more expensive. At this point, I was a little annoyed.

(05:25):
I didn't understand why Alli hadn't just talked to me
instead of talking to Mandy. But I didn't say anything
and just explain what the actual price was and sorted
the misunderstanding. Okay, so Ali didn't even read the right thing.

Speaker 4 (05:36):
Right, So Allie's just like thinking that the bridal hair
makeup is the price that they're all paying, which is
obviously more expensive.

Speaker 2 (05:44):
And also like, you're stupid because OPI told you what
the prices were before.

Speaker 4 (05:48):
Here, She's just gonna like change it on the day
of and be like, actually, it's two hundred dollars more.

Speaker 2 (05:52):
But then the next day Ali texted me and told
me she and Mandy didn't want the shuttle anymore. I
was getting pretty annoyed now because that extra shuttle cost
me about an extra thousand. I asked her why they
didn't want the shuttle. My wedding was in early October.
In early November, Alli had an important exam. Alie said
she was going to leave early for my wedding and
go home and study for her exam and would drive

(06:15):
Mandy home too. I was devastated. I didn't understand at all.
I absolutely understand important exams. I am currently working on
my third degree and trying to get into medical school.
But even I thought this was ridiculous. She couldn't take
one night off of studying for an exam that was
going to be a month away from my wedding. At
this point, the exam was about a month and three

(06:36):
weeks away. We got into a huge fight over text message.
She told me that she didn't have to put her
life on hold for my wedding. I was hurt because
I didn't think I had asked very much. I tried
to call her, but she refused to answer my calls. Finally,
two weeks later, she called me after she got back
from vacation where she went to see a concert and
a baseball game. We sorted it out, mostly me apologizing

(06:59):
because I just wanted things to be okay for the wedding.
I had spent two weeks crying over this and I
just wanted us to be good. Told me I had
misunderstood and she wasn't planning on leaving early. The rehearsal
dinner was two days before the wedding. Allie had offered
to book the event room in her building about six
months prior for the event. A couple of days before
the rehearsal dinner, Allie told me she would be a

(07:20):
little bit late to the rehearsal because she had a
meeting at work. You said the meeting was optional, but
she wanted to go because it was at a new
job and it was the first meeting. She said, her
bosses knew she had the rehearsal dinner, so she would
only stay for a little while. Well, she missed the
entire rehearsal and just showed up at the very end
when the Justice of the Peace had already left. If
you're not even at the rehearsal, why are you even

(07:42):
a bridesmaid?

Speaker 4 (07:43):
I want to know what she's actually done as a bridesmaid.

Speaker 2 (07:46):
Seemingly nothing, She's just cast yeah money. I was annoyed,
but at this point I was just happy she was
there at all. After our big falling out, she didn't
say anything. The night before the wedding, we stay the
night in an airbnb so we could all get ready
together in the morning. The wedding day was very nice.
At around eight pm, I asked where Allie was. She

(08:07):
had gone home. I cried on my wedding day. This
is what I found out. Ali and Mandy had come
to the airbnb together the night before. The airbnb was
not in the greatest place, about fifteen minutes from the
venue and a little over an hour from our city
in another direction. The night before the wedding, Alli and
Mandy had driven to the venue without telling anyone. They
parked Alli's car about a fifteen minute walk away from

(08:27):
the venue where I wouldn't see it, and Mandy and
Ali had driven to the airbnb together. Then, basically right
after dinner at the wedding, Ali walked to her car
and drove home without saying goodbye. The day after the wedding,
Allie texted me saying that she had a great time
at the wedding and told me she loved me. But
I was so upset. I couldn't believe she had left
early and didn't even say goodbye. I told her I

(08:48):
needed some space because I was upset about it. She replied,
saying that she didn't say goodbye because she knew I
would be upset, but said nothing more. I needed about
a month to think it over. I came to the
conclusion that Ali didn't really care about me. I sent
her a message. It wasn't a nasty message. It simply
said that, after some time to reflect, although it really
hurt me, I couldn't be her friend anymore because of

(09:09):
her actions. All she said was that she was sorry
I was upset, and wished me good luck with life.
I have cried over this friendship breakup for months. I
thought that she would come to realize how much she
hurt me and she would apologize. It has been over
four months and she hasn't. So my first question is
am I wrong for ending this friendship over this. My
next question has to do with my books. I have

(09:30):
an extensive book collection. Allie was a reader too, and
we often exchanged books. After this exchange, I realized that
I had two of her books and she has two
of mine. I texted her and asked very politely if
she could drop the books off at my maid of
honor's door they live in the same apartment building, and
that I would drop her books off the next time
I was there. No reply. I dropped her books off

(09:50):
at her door with a note asking if she could
give the books to the Maid of honor. No reply.
I sent her a message over social media, hoping maybe
she blocked my number and somehow lost the note no reply,
I sent her, Yeah, oh, he's.

Speaker 5 (10:04):
Like, I just bought these books.

Speaker 3 (10:05):
You should not have given.

Speaker 4 (10:06):
Those books back until you were there knocking on her door.

Speaker 3 (10:10):
Yeah, to get those books back.

Speaker 2 (10:11):
I sent her one more text message. Admittedly I was
mad and told her I thought it was ridiculous that
she couldn't be decent enough to drop off my books.
I said, I didn't even care about one of them.
Just one of them was important to me because I
had highlighted it, annotated it, and had referenced it in
several academic papers. So today, about three and a half
months since her last communication with me, I went to apartment.

(10:34):
I knocked. I saw her look through the people and
walk away.

Speaker 5 (10:37):
I waited.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
I knocked again. She finally opened the door. I politely said, hey,
I was wondering if I could get my books. She
told me she got rid of them and then closed
the door in my face. I was so overwhelmed that
I kicked her door. I regret this because it was
childish and too I think I may have broken my toe.
But my second question is also am I wrong for
showing up unannounced at her door and a man my books.

(11:00):
For those of you who read this, I appreciate you.
This is a long post. I have cried about this
friendship breakup for months, and it has led me to
question whether or not I overreacted. My husband and my
maid of honor both have said I am not overreacting,
but I worry they are saying this to be supportive.
I would love to have an outsider perspective. First off,
thank you for the overwhelming supports. I really didn't expect

(11:21):
to get so many nice comments on this. Reading your
comments has been so cathartic for me. Thank you each
and every one of you who took the time to
read this post and send some nice words. This was
what I needed to move on. I am closing this
door and trying to take it as a learning lesson.
You can tell who reads and who doesn't in these comments.
An extra thank you for those who understand my upset

(11:41):
about the book. For those of you who don't, I
absolutely understand why you wouldn't get it. I appreciate your
comments anyway. A few people have asked if I'm still
friends with many. The answer is no, it wasn't a
dramatic end. Like with Ali, I just simply cut contact,
which in retrospect is what I should have done with Ali.
But there is a little bit left to this story.

Speaker 4 (11:58):
Any final thoughts, I have nothing to add. Really. Yeah,
it's a terrible situation, but I don't feel like there's
like you did nothing wrong.

Speaker 2 (12:06):
You did nothing wrong. You did everything you could to
get your books back. She sucks. Get her out of
your life, and you know, find better friends.

Speaker 5 (12:12):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (12:13):
For those who said I should have seen it coming
and asked her to leave a long time ago, I
fully appreciate that, and I probably should have. But in
between the events I listed, there were so many other
times where we had positive interactions that had nothing to
do with the wedding. We were good friends and we
hung out all the time, so these positive interactions muddied
the water for me and made it harder to see
her bad behavior. It wasn't until after the wedding that

(12:35):
I fully realized that she had actually made every event
about her. Some of you have pointed out that I
have a hard time setting boundaries, and this is absolutely true. Ironically,
Alli had said that to me many times. I am
the kind of person that tries to always be understanding
of my friends. Maybe that makes me a dormat, but
this is not something I plan on changing about myself.
I would rather the people who love me know that

(12:57):
I will always be there for them, even if some
people end up hurting me sometimes. But in the future
I'll try to be aware that some people will take
advantage of that. Thank you again, and that is the
end of that story. I think that's the takeaway, Opie. Yeah,
I think it's not like closing yourself off from other relationships,
but it is, you know, being more aware, just noticing
those red flags when they come up. Again.

Speaker 4 (13:17):
My sister ruined our family because we didn't worship her boyfriend.
Is he got We have a trigger warning for mentions
of abuse. For background, my immediate family has always been
very close. My sisters and I have had ups and downs,
but we stayed close into adulthood. When I got married
five years ago, my youngest sister was literally my best person,

(13:40):
and she made a huge deal about how impressed she
was that I had found someone who meshed so well
with myself and our families. By the way, this comes
from Smooth Pension seventy one forty seven and If you
want usubmit your own stories, go to the r slash
Okay storytime subreddit. I'm Carly, I'm Sophia, and I'm Keon,
and we're here to give good advice goof, but we

(14:00):
don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do,
So let us know what you would do in the comments.
Fast forward to a year later, and my youngest sister
is dating a guy who was a bit of a
surprise to everyone. My first real interaction with him wasn't
super positive. My sister was offered a paid graduate position
and his first response was we'd need to talk about

(14:22):
if that makes sense for you. She ended up not
going because I can't start a life if i'm in classes.
We got into an argument about it because she's in
a technical field and the program was pretty exclusive. Her
entire reasoning for not going was that her boyfriend didn't
want to wait that long to start a life and
had convinced her going into industry early would make her

(14:44):
more money long term than an extra degree.

Speaker 3 (14:48):
After that, I wasn't really enamored.

Speaker 4 (14:50):
With the guy, but he's her significant other and I
figured she'd get bored of him. They moved in together
after a year and seemed to have fallen into a
holding pattern.

Speaker 2 (14:59):
I was gonna say, oh Peace, it's like, yeah, I
just figured they get bored. You know him, she's already
deciding to like give up to her whole life, you
know what she wanted. And also, to be clear, if
it wasn't, you don't have to go to school to
be successful, but in this case, she wanted to go
to college and is giving that up for boy.

Speaker 4 (15:16):
Legitimately, he never talked to me if he could help
it and would make excuses to skip things. Two years ago,
my youngest sister asked me if they should get married, and,
wanting to be supportive, I told her if it made
her happy, she should. She talked with her boyfriend about
it and he was lukewarm on the idea. She called
me every other night for weeks to fret about it

(15:37):
while he was at the gym.

Speaker 3 (15:38):
Because he wasn't really a planner.

Speaker 4 (15:40):
She decided to plan a big trip to Europe to
give him the opportunity to propose. When she got home,
she literally called me crying to tell me that despite
all their conversations, he hadn't proposed and they had gotten
into an argument. After the argument, he agreed that he
would propose no, and she myself and our other sister

(16:02):
to help him with the engagement plan. For the first
time in four years, I talked with the soon to
be fiance without my younger sister present. I was on
the call with our middle sister and my wife and
we asked him what he wanted to do. In the
course of a half hour, he let us know he
didn't want to do anything special because it would set.

Speaker 3 (16:22):
The bar too high for stuff later.

Speaker 4 (16:24):
He just wanted to get it over with and he
thought special would be going to the beach. My youngest
sister hates the beach and he didn't understand why she'd
want to do that family crap. The next day to celebrate,
I actually texted my middle sister during the conversation asking
if I was being crazy or if he sounded.

Speaker 3 (16:45):
Like he didn't want to get engaged.

Speaker 4 (16:47):
I told him not to worry about anything fancy, just
make sure she feels special. He literally ended the call
with sure. Here is where I admit I fed up.
I was really irritated by him during the call, and
I didn't want to say something mean, and so I
asked my middle sister to take over. She's always been
more of the peacemaker, and my wife and I had
our own things to do.

Speaker 3 (17:07):
We were trying for a kid at the time.

Speaker 4 (17:09):
I absolutely should have tried to re engage him, but
he really got under my skin with the language he used.
I debated telling her, but I didn't want to sit
her down and tell her that he was a bit
of a wiener the whole time do that.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
I don't understand why he's not doing that. I'd like again,
it's not, oh, he's not like an a hole or anything,
but I do think that if you have these concerns,
and your sister has said that she wants your advice,
give it.

Speaker 4 (17:34):
My middle sister stepped up helping him location scout, come
up with something to say, and pick a place to
celebrate after the proposal during a scouting lunch, he literally
told my middle sister, your brother's an a hole when
she mentioned I could lend him a camera. When she
asked why, he made a big deal about how I
expected too much from people and made my sister miserable

(17:56):
by making her think she should have more in life.
Middle sister laws her cool and said he doesn't really
like you either. After that meeting, my middle sister told
me he had gotten heated and said he didn't like me.
I let it go since I didn't really care for
him either, figuring he was stressed about the proposal. For
the next four months, this guy would not give me

(18:17):
the time of day. He came to a party at
my house and literally sat on his phone at the
table during dinner for three hours without looking up even
to talk, despite me trying with him. Since I knew
the engagement was coming up, well, this was happening. My
youngest sister reached out to complain that her boyfriend never
planned anything yeah, and that she'd know it was the

(18:40):
engagement since he.

Speaker 3 (18:41):
Never wanted to go out.

Speaker 4 (18:42):
That week, they apparently had a fight and he planned
an event to prove he was working on things. As
a spoiler, it was the engagement, exactly as my middle
sister helped him plan. His big change was switching the
venue so he wouldn't need to dress up at all.
The day of the engagement, my wife and I got
the news that morning that we were going to have

(19:04):
a kid. We went to the exhibit with them running
a bit late but otherwise having a nice time. The
boyfriend literally did not speak to me or my family
the entire time, and my middle sister was having a
rough day a friend had a family member pass so
we stepped up to be as energetic as we could.
The engagement went well with a cute speech on a pier,

(19:25):
and we went out to dinner with both families after.
My wife and I were a little lovey dovey, and
overall I.

Speaker 3 (19:32):
Thought it went fine.

Speaker 4 (19:33):
That evening, we parted ways and I figured it was
all good. The next evening, I got a five page
text from my sister telling me she hated me and
wanted me out of her life. Apparently I wasn't happy
enough at her engagement, and I had bullied her boyfriend
so badly that he just wanted to get it over
with and he didn't want to do such complex stuff

(19:56):
and he knows you hate him. My middle sister got
one too for me, a general witch at the engagement. Apparently,
that evening they went home and she asked him what
he had personally planned to do, and he broke down.
I immediately sent an apology and explained that I didn't
mean for him to feel that way and that I
was confused he had decided I didn't like him since

(20:18):
I'd never really talked to him.

Speaker 3 (20:19):
She proceeded to be.

Speaker 4 (20:20):
Frankly really cruel, dragging up crap just to be mean,
and telling us we ruined what was supposed to be
the most special day of her life. This went on
for a few weeks, but eventually we made up and
she cooled off. She told us her now fiance would
need time to cool off, but felt like it was
water under the bridge. A few weeks later, she asked

(20:41):
us to both be in her party. At this point,
I was really trying to be nice to him and
be as supportive as possible. My wife and I were
also dealing with first trimester issues and some extra scans
or doctors wanted. We delayed telling people because we didn't
want to steal the spotlight from her engagement. Fast forward
about six months and my sister picked a fight with

(21:02):
me about an uncle coming to the wedding. She basically said,
I'm not paying for him to come and get wasted,
and I barely know him. I reminded her that my
mom's brother is dry since he was a heavy drinker,
and that it would hurt our mother for her to
make that decision. I reminded her that she literally invited
three people for the gifts, and that while it was
her decision, it was a bad one that would cause issues.

(21:25):
She blew up at me. I told her I wasn't
arguing about it, but my mom would be hurt. A
month or two later, and it's the week of your
wife's duty. My sister sat us down to complain that
she didn't feel special enough and that us having a
child was taking away the joy she should be getting
from everyone because it wasn't about her.

Speaker 2 (21:42):
Get over it. You need to have a frank discussion
with your sister where you just say get over it.

Speaker 4 (21:47):
We talked for like three hours, and it turned out
that her boyfriend still hadn't forgiven us for the bullying and.

Speaker 3 (21:53):
Extreme pressure we put him under.

Speaker 4 (21:55):
Ah, so I apologized to his face in front of her.
A few weeks after that, my kid would born, and
despite a lot of prep, my wife ended up with
a pretty unpleasant birth. Multiple units of extra blood were needed,
and we spent a month in the nicuw The baby
is all right now, but it was probably the most
exhausting and terrifying.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
Few weeks of our lives.

Speaker 4 (22:15):
My middle sister called me pretty much every day, but
my youngest sister barely reached out.

Speaker 3 (22:20):
She did make.

Speaker 4 (22:21):
Soup and send it with my mom, which I appreciated.
I won't pretend I was giving people regular updates during
that time, since my wife and I were spending our
time either next to a bassinette or crashing in a crappy.

Speaker 3 (22:32):
Hotel next to the hospital.

Speaker 4 (22:34):
We got home a little before Christmas and we had
a few family members over in January to meet the baby.
My youngest sister came by herself and seemed to be
getting along with everyone. I knew she was still mad
that I had told her she couldn't be mean to
our mother and not expect consequences, but I was hoping
we could.

Speaker 3 (22:52):
Move past it.

Speaker 4 (22:53):
Two weeks after that, she called myself, my middle sister,
and my wife separately to fire us from her wedding.
She literally went off about how we don't like the
fiance enough and he would be uncomfortable with us supporting
her if we didn't also support him the same way.
She said a lot of nasty stuff, particularly weird personal
attacks about my wife and my income and lifestyle. She

(23:16):
kept going off on how we had no right to
even be up there, since we were just pretentious and
always looking down on them. And here is where I
eft up. I literally said, I guess I'll go to
the next one. It was mean and frankly and called for,
but I was tired, still stressed out, my kid was
safe to be home but needed extra care, and frankly

(23:37):
grossed out that she was kicking her siblings out because
we didn't like her future spouse.

Speaker 3 (23:41):
I apologized for.

Speaker 4 (23:43):
It in the call, but I regret saying it rather
than just listening. I was so sick of the stupid drama,
and it was so clear to me that she was
deeply unhappy and blaming all of us for that. I
have been kicking myself over this for months now. I
know I shouldn't have said it, but after all the
things my sister told me were important to her and
all the bs he did, I really don't think they'll

(24:05):
be together very long. Since the engagement, she's been all
kinds of bitter. I honestly thought that after the dust settled,
she'd realize who her boyfriend was. What I wasn't expecting
is that she does see it and thinks that if
she just makes the environment perfect for him. He will
be the person she wants him to be. That was
the last time we spoke, and things have just gotten worse.

(24:26):
The day my parents paid off the venue for her,
she kicked my father out of the wedding because he
didn't like her future spouse enough.

Speaker 2 (24:33):
Yeah, no one likes your spouse. Your spouse doesn't like you,
and this is not gonna.

Speaker 4 (24:38):
Work, honestly though, Like, for sure, she's like bitter and stuff,
but this girl's just mean too, Like yeah, this youngest sister, Like,
I'm like, you're waiting till they pay off the wedding
and then you're just.

Speaker 3 (24:48):
Being like okay, bye exactly.

Speaker 4 (24:49):
She sat down with my mother when my mother pushed
back and told her she should get a divorce from
my father because she thinks the relationship is toxic.

Speaker 3 (24:58):
A few weeks later, she kicked.

Speaker 4 (24:59):
My mother out of the wedding because my mother pushed
back on uninviting my father. She bought a house and
didn't tell my parents because they should have asked if
they wanted to know.

Speaker 3 (25:08):
It's all messed up right now.

Speaker 4 (25:10):
Only his side of the family is really going, with
most of my family bowing out or uninvited those that
are going have talked with her about the choices she's made,
and they are all concerned about how she's talking. My
aunt literally said that it sounded like she was a
different person. The wedding is in a few weeks, and
I feel terrible. I can tell she's in a lot
of pain still based on what people are telling me.

(25:32):
We have some mutual friends, but I don't think there's
anything I can do now that will help. So I've
just been reaching out every few weeks, offering to talk
if she needed someone to speak to. I guess I
have to ask does this stuff get better after the wedding.
I don't have a ton of experience with drama at
this level, and none of my friends went off the
deep end so aggressively when it came to their own weddings.

(25:53):
I'd love some advice on how I can make it
up to her or improve things, but I really don't
know how to go about it. It's been a few
years years of this show, and I've been trying to
figure out how I could have done a better job,
or what I should do for my sister who is
getting married in a month. I am definitely the a
hole here, but I'd love some advice on how to
proceed and comments.

Speaker 3 (26:12):
Comment to one.

Speaker 4 (26:13):
Truthfully, although your sister is acting horribly. This sounds like
her boyfriend is making her pull away from family. This
is abuse. All you can do is continue to be
there for her in whatever capacity she will allow. He
will eventually try to cut her off completely from her
family and the rest of the world. There are some
truly mucked up people out there. I hope she has

(26:34):
a job outside the home so she will be allowed
to go into the world and not literally be locked
in her house. He could and will take her phone,
monitor her phone calls, and never give her a moment
to herself. I can possibly see why she kicked you
and your sister out. I don't agree, but mom and
dad for paying and letting feelings be known.

Speaker 3 (26:54):
Is a huge red flag. I wish you could stop.

Speaker 4 (26:56):
This train wreck, but the only thing you can do
is be there when she reaches out for help.

Speaker 3 (27:01):
Good Luck and Opie says, I totally get that.

Speaker 2 (27:03):
Honestly.

Speaker 4 (27:04):
Up until my mom out, we thought she was just
having a bad time and that we'd find a way
to make it up to her and smooth it out.

Speaker 3 (27:10):
Before the wedding. Oh my god, that's the end.

Speaker 5 (27:12):
Good luck.

Speaker 2 (27:13):
Ope, I don't I don't have much hope for you,
and no trying to figure this out.

Speaker 4 (27:18):
I mean, if the sister does realize that it could
be like the very controlling partner and she does come back,
I don't.

Speaker 2 (27:25):
Have to be her realization, right, not anything.

Speaker 4 (27:27):
On your My husband invited his long lost half brother
to our home without my permission.

Speaker 5 (27:34):
We gotta check in with the wife. We gotta make
the missus okay with it.

Speaker 4 (27:38):
Husband fifty plus found out around twenty twenty that he
apparently had a long lost half brother who was at
least twenty years older than him. This man was given
up for adoption and apparently found the DNA connection via
ancestry with my husband's full blood sister. By the way,
this comes from user nine nine nine eight eight eight

(27:59):
sevens he's own sixty six five five And if you
want us to make your own stories, go to the
arslage Okay story time subreddit.

Speaker 5 (28:06):
I'm Carly and I'm Banchie, and.

Speaker 4 (28:08):
We're here to give good advice Goofily, but we don't
have all the answers. We only know what we'd do,
So let us know what you would do in the comments.
He reached out and started a very awkward and very
quick connection and was invited to our home. I was
not really thrilled about this. Back in twenty twenty.

Speaker 3 (28:26):
They met.

Speaker 4 (28:26):
We never saw any DNA, but my husband vows this
man is his brother. I was cordial with this meeting,
but felt very awkward since my husband and I have
a fifteen year age gap, so his new brother is
near my father's age.

Speaker 3 (28:41):
Visit came and went.

Speaker 4 (28:42):
Then a few years later we moved cities, and not
long after we moved, without asking me, my husband invited
this man to come live in our city and work
at a brand new business we had just opened. That
business was not making money at the time, so we
were basically going to be funding this man's life. He
stayed again at our home for a few weeks this

(29:04):
time and finally found his own place with the money
we paid him for a job that should never have
been given that early to opening. Not long into this move,
we found out via the landlord that this man had
apparently been living in the basement of our new business,
the gigre Is. This business was under my name only,
and I have no connection to this man other than

(29:26):
we met now twice in very forced and awkward situation.
My husband freaked out on the brother, fired him and
made him get his stuff out of the business, and
that was that. He didn't speak for a while, and
I guess eventually slowly worked on a relationship. By the way,
this brother is very much a grifter. He moves from
place to place and doesn't have a good relationship with

(29:48):
his own children, which really weirds me out. He has
been back with his second ex wife for a place
to stay, eventually got one child to have him for
a short time, then was living with his friend my
first ex wife's mother to help, but really for a
place to live.

Speaker 3 (30:04):
Three days ago.

Speaker 4 (30:05):
My husband announced his brother was going to be coming.

Speaker 3 (30:08):
To stay with us for two weeks.

Speaker 4 (30:12):
Why I flipped out since he didn't ask or discuss
this with me at all. The last time this man
was around, he actively screwed me and my husband over
I've not personally spoken to the brother since then. Apparently,
my husband bought his flight that night and he arrived
the next morning. I was cordial when he came in,
but my husband and I had fought the night before

(30:34):
because I didn't want this man coming into our home
without agreeing on things, let alone.

Speaker 3 (30:39):
For two weeks.

Speaker 4 (30:40):
Since his arrival, my husband has basically only taken this
man's side. He is now calling me a demon because
I'm ignoring his brother, who was very religious, by the way,
but left his role at the church long ago, which
cost him his first wife. I believe my husband is
now doing the hypocritical religious talk about how he is

(31:01):
the lead blah blah when he is not a good
leader and has many issues I won't go into here,
but really misrepresenting the Bible and the truth of all
the situations. My husband keeps forcing our child nine to
interact with this uncle, even though my child can see
I'm uncomfortable and is also uncomfortable himself. It's gotten to

(31:23):
the point where my husband and I had to had
a blow up argument because said brother wanted to apologize
for his past wrongs, but I was being.

Speaker 3 (31:32):
So evil by ignoring him.

Speaker 4 (31:34):
The second day came to a head where I told
his brother that I had no idea he was even coming,
and that my husband just brought him down without my
knowledge or approval, and is now basically forcing me to
be around a man that I don't really like. We
have nothing in common. I find him strange and he
has done very questionable things since that fight.

Speaker 3 (31:54):
I have left the house.

Speaker 5 (31:55):
Oh wow.

Speaker 4 (31:56):
I did bring my son to the house to put
him to bed today, but my husband wanted this brother
to come into our child's room and read to him
like sit on his bed and what play a happy family.
That pushed me over the edge again. So I said
good night to my son and left the house with
my final comment at the brother, enjoy my family. I

(32:17):
just don't understand how I'm being the a hole in
this situation. My husband claims this is the only family
he has left and can offer our son.

Speaker 6 (32:25):
This is factually false because he actually has a full
blood sibling and three other half siblings on his dad's side,
but he's burned those bridges in the past.

Speaker 3 (32:37):
Basically, these two men are acting like me.

Speaker 4 (32:39):
Being unhappy, uncomfortable, and cold towards them is the problem,
and not the fact that my husband brought a man
into our house who I still find sketchy and who
is now causing marital issues and doesn't catch the hint
since he is a grifter and this is where he
is trying to be for now. So am I the
a hole? Comment why did you leave your son? Who

(33:03):
cares if the blood test reveals this man is in
fact her husband's brother. He's creepy as heck and crossed
so many lines. Her husband is such a trusting moron. Yeah,
after everything the so called brother has done, husband is
just letting him have total access to his life as
well as his home. Husband has crossed more boundaries, all

(33:24):
without his wife's knowledge, inviting the stranger to stay with them,
paying for his airfare, and giving him a job at
their business. He's even turned against his own wife. Op
needs to leave her husband and punt them both out
of the house and get a lawyer who's a shark
and take everything from her husband.

Speaker 3 (33:42):
There's no way I would put up with.

Speaker 4 (33:44):
Any of this crap, especially with having a child in
the house. Husband has lost his mind literally. Maybe him
and the brother can become grifters together and disappear.

Speaker 3 (33:54):
Comment or two.

Speaker 4 (33:55):
Not the a hole, It's not the brother that is
causing marital problems. Sounds like you're marriage is rocky since
your husband never consults with you on anything or values
your opinion.

Speaker 3 (34:05):
What are you the maid?

Speaker 4 (34:06):
There are so many issues I don't know where to start.
Most Importantly, it's not appropriate to bring a strange guy
into the house when you have children. A nine year
old certainly not into his bedroom. Have a serious talk
with your husband. If nothing changes, leave with the kids.
Don't leave your son there.

Speaker 2 (34:24):
You have an update.

Speaker 5 (34:25):
Oh my gosh, I agree with those comments. There's undred
percent agree. Yeah, this man is not to be trusted.
I think you need to follow your instinct, especially if
your kid also feels sketchy around the right, like nothing
that you've heard about his backstory seems reliable.

Speaker 4 (34:40):
I can't imagine being nine and like actively being like mom,
this man is uncomfortable, and then he comes in.

Speaker 5 (34:45):
To read me bedtime stories. Yeah because my but my
dad's like, my dad isn't gonna stop this creepy man
from me around me, Like.

Speaker 2 (34:56):
Dad's encouraging it.

Speaker 5 (34:57):
Exactly weird. I really hope this update is just like, oh, yeah,
he apparently is a total stranger, and my husband just
escaped with him and they fell in love and I
never have to see them again.

Speaker 3 (35:09):
As your update and more info.

Speaker 4 (35:11):
My son had been with me all afternoon since school
that day, doing his activities. I took him home with
the intention of sleeping in the spare room next to
his but things escalated. As stated in the original post,
he feels comfortable in his own room and bed, and
at that point I wasn't trying to cause too much
stress to his normal routines. He also very much loves

(35:33):
his father as well. The house is set up so
that my child sleeps on the top floor and there
is one spare room up there. My normal master bedroom
is on the main floor, right next to the stairs.
The brother was put to sleep down in the basement.
There are cameras I have placed for my own comfort
within the house that cover anyone going up or down

(35:53):
the stairs, and they directly linked to my phone. I
get motion activated alerts and they are always recorded. I
monitored the cameras and pretty much didn't sleep. I was
also at the house early in the morning to get
my child ready for school like normal, trying not to
break his routine. I also waited for him to arrive
home from the bus later. Since this morning, my husband

(36:15):
has still been a problem, but I did finally confront
the brother. He offered hair for me to test, so
that's a start. We did sit and speak without my
husband at present, and now he understands where I was
and where I'm coming from. I still find him an
odd person, but he was understanding of my concerns and
the fact that I'm not a confrontational person but have

(36:38):
been put into a very uncomfortable spot.

Speaker 3 (36:40):
Got a little bit more.

Speaker 5 (36:41):
But uh oh, I don't know. I feel like since
there's more to this story, and the fact that OPI
this whole time has been putting brother in quotations, yeah,
I feel like we're gonna We're gonna get exactly what
we've been thinking this whole time. I don't think it's
gonna be brother. I think that little piece of hair
that he gave is not gonna prove that they're family.

Speaker 4 (37:02):
I'm very introverted, so my home is my safe place.
I left details out in the original because I've never
posted anything like this before and also didn't want to
provide directly identifying info.

Speaker 3 (37:14):
That's my update for now.

Speaker 4 (37:16):
No. Hopefully that answers some questions and eliminates some negative
ones about me just abandoning my child. It might not
have been the best for everyone, but I am trying
not to upset him, and I have still been with
him at all times when he is awake and monitoring
when he sleeps. Thanks for the info and comments, and
that's the end of that.

Speaker 5 (37:37):
No o, oh gosh, maybe this was posted really recently,
but like, yeah, ah, that's so, I don't like it.
I don't like it.

Speaker 1 (37:48):
Hey, y'all, it's John og Host here. We're gonna get
back to the stories. But here's a quick three minute
break from ask for more sponsors.

Speaker 5 (37:53):
My wife had a spicy awakening, but it's for another man.
Oh that's wrong. My wife and I are thirty six
and have been married for fifteen years. We were high
school sweethearts, neither of us having slept with anyone else.
We grew up conservative, evangelical, and she was my first everything.
We married at twenty one. By the way, this comes

(38:13):
from monogamish too risky, and if you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slashocas story time.
Separddit and I'm Angie, I'm Carly, and we're here to
give good advice goofily, But we don't have all the answers,
so we're just gonna guess what we would do in
this situation. But if you would do anything differently let
us know in the comments. During our mostly long distance
dating period, Our physical chemistry was intense, her libido was

(38:37):
through the roof, and she constantly wanted to be intimate,
probably more than I was ready for. Thanks to our
religious upbringing, I was looking forward to marriage and what
I thought would be the craziest spicy related brat of
my life. Yeah, you know how this story goes. On
our honeymoon, we had a frequent but merely adequate spicy sleep.
Then came our brutal first year, living overseas with the

(39:00):
language barrier, financial struggles, her unable to work legally, spending
constant time together for the first time ever no support system.
I cried more that year than any other in my life.
The feeling of helplessness and rejection was overwhelming. We managed
spicy sleep every couple of weeks, but it wasn't good.
Our second year brought new challenges. I was taking a

(39:21):
double course load to finish college quickly, while she worked tonights,
so we rarely saw each other. Spicy sleep continued to
be an issue. Eighteen months into the marriage, I discovered
text messages she had exchanged with two work colleagues, Messages
about being disappointed when he wouldn't be at work, debating
whether she should visit his apartment because she didn't think
that she could behave herself. When I confronted her, she

(39:43):
broke down and confessed. She said nothing physical happened beyond
extended hugs, and I've come to believe her, but I
felt betrayed seeing her expose her flirty, spicy side to
others when we didn't have that. We spent six months
in therapy putting our relationship back together. We moved to
a new city for a fresh start things. It never

(40:03):
became as bad as those first two years, but they
never became amazing either. For the next five years, I
struggled trying to push our spicy related relationship forward, then
eventually just gave up. It's been static for the last
twelve years. Our spicy life is decent, but vanilla and routine,
weekly scheduled frequency she finishes. We use multiple positions, but

(40:25):
the little details I left out, and because she doesn't
enjoy giving or receiving, I have a higher libido, but
not by much. My biggest problem was that she never
showed real interest in spicy sleep, never initiated, never wanted
anything beyond vanilla in her course, remained awkward about parts
of it. The spicy sleep itself was usually decent once
we got into it, but I stopped initiating because the

(40:45):
rejection felt too painful. She switched to scheduled spicy sleep,
which I thought I had made peace with. A year ago.
I made a comment about her wearing sun dresses because
I find them schmecksha. She got upset and offended. I
told her that I wasn't going to spend my life
with someone who got upset, that I saw them as
a spicy being, that we needed to work on this.
She agreed and said that she'd get counseling. Then. For

(41:08):
reasons I don't understand, I completely forgot about this conversation.
A month ago, I would have said that our relationship
was solid, good communication and trust, similar goals and outlooks.
We have a young child, great careers, were upper middle
class and reasonably attractive. Things seemed good. A few weeks ago,
I got home from a trip and she wanted to talk.
At a work conference, she had felt intensely spicily attracted

(41:31):
to a married colleague. They discussed the tension, and he
indicated that his relationship was somewhat open. She told him
that ours wasn't and they agreed that nothing should happen.
He did kiss her neck during a hug.

Speaker 3 (41:43):
That's something happening.

Speaker 5 (41:44):
That is something happening for sure, for sure, which I
immediately said was a boundary violation. Yeah yeah, She agreed
and apologized, But then she told me that this encounter
made her realize that our relationship was missing spark and spun.
She wanted to explore being a monogamish, feeling that she
had missed out on sleeping with other people and exploring

(42:06):
her spicy procolativity. She wanted an arrangement where we could
play with others a few times a year while traveling
for work. She was no longer satisfied with the status quo.
Initially I was interested. I've never slept with anyone else either,
and had always mourned missing that experience. But after soul searching,
I told her I couldn't do it. I didn't feel

(42:28):
loved or secure enough to watch her with someone else.
She was disappointed, but understood, though she also felt that
she couldn't continue the status quo. It became clear that
she was intensely attracted to this guy and had really
wanted to pursue it. She told him that she decided
not to pursue anything. The more we talked, the more
I realized a hard truth that we've both been avoiding
for fifteen years. She's not all that spicily attracted to

(42:51):
me and hasn't been for our entire marriage. She isn't
repulsed by me either, which is why we don't have
a non existent bedroom, but she thinks that she she
should feel something more than what she does. This was
brutally difficult to deal with, especially compared to her butterflies
and the stomach feeling for the other man. If not
for the overall strength of our relationship and our daughter,
I would have bailed rather than endure being married to

(43:13):
someone who's okay with sleeping with me but really wants
to sleep with someone else. But it gets more complicated.
Talking over the past weeks revealed something surprising. My wife
has been going through a spicy related awakening for a year,
and I completely missed it. When I told her a
year ago that I needed to be with someone who
recognized herself as a spicy person, she took it to heart.
She read extensively about a spicy proclivity and how evangelical

(43:38):
purity culture distorts healthy spicy related attitudes. She asked me
to attend a marriage retreat her therapist recommended, which I
blew off. She started wanting more physical affection, which I
also just missed. She began following adult content on social
media and asked if we could watch corn together. Until then,
I thought that she hated the idea of corn and
would be devastated if she knew that I watched it.

(43:58):
All of this happened over nine months, and I still
didn't recognize that she was changing. Maybe I ignored the
signs to avoid getting my hopes up. We had worked
on this in our early marriage with no change, which
led me to give up on her ever changing. Yeah,
because I guess that is true. I forgot about that,
because when I was reading that, I was thinking, like, so,
you've been wanting this the whole time, and you've just
been ignoring her. But that is a good reminder. He

(44:20):
did like try to Uh. He was saying that he
like didn't want to get rejected more so I stopped
initiating it.

Speaker 4 (44:27):
Did It does seem like though that maybe the biggest
issue was that he forgot that conversation and then she
wentn't actually like was like, Okay, I'll put in the work,
like I'll do it, sure, and then they totally just
switched roles in like she was getting rejected.

Speaker 5 (44:41):
Now right, yeah, oh my gosh. But since she brought
up the open marriage idea and I rejected it, things
have been different. She's buying schmeckshy clothes, including sun dresses,
and is enthusiastic about it. We did an online compatibility
quiz and she had more items on her list than
I expected. We went to a spicy club. We've been
having more and better spicy sleep. She said that she

(45:03):
feels more spicily aware and open that for the first
time in her life, she feels like ace spicy being. However,
she doesn't feel attracted to me. I think she's confusing
the infatuation feeling that she had for that guy with
what she expects to feel from me. If you're completely
unattracted to someone, do you get aroused with them and
have loud doing spicy sleep? In detail, I know you

(45:27):
can't have new relationship energy with someone that you've been
married to for almost half your life. She's still bums,
so she can't do anything with the other man and
can't ever sleep with other people. I think she's still
in crush mode and craving those feelings. So I'm kind
of getting what I always hoped for, my wife having
a spicy related awakening and wanting to explore her spicy proclivity,

(45:47):
including with me. Okay, Unfortunately it's not happening on my terms.
Maybe it won't last. Maybe she'll want things I'm not
comfortable with most frighteningly, maybe she'll continue feeling spicyly bored
by monogamy and eventually insists that we open the marriage
or she'll leave or cheat. Is she changing to be
more spicy positive and can I regain her attraction or

(46:11):
do I already have it but she's confusing it with
new relationship energy or am I lying to myself And
what's actually happened is she's having massive spicy chemistry with
the other man and I'm just getting a spillover and
there is an update. April was definitely the darkest month
of my life. During the first couple weeks, I got
clingy and anxious and asking for reassurances from her. I

(46:33):
didn't get them. To her credit, she refused to tell
me what I wanted to hear. That left me with
an uncomfortable truth that I'd been avoiding for fifteen years
of my life. My wife is not really attracted to me.
She's not repulsed by me either, which I think is
why we don't have a dry bedroom. But I don't
really get her motor running. I realized since day one,

(46:54):
I've asked my wife to carry an impossible burden, to
use her body to validate me as a husband and
as a man. I've asked her to soothe me with
spicy sleep to reassure me when I get reactive. But
I'm a bottomless pit of need and it was never enough.
So being needy and clingy is incredibly unattractive. Growing up
in purity culture, getting married young and not having spicy

(47:16):
sleep and living overseas by ourselves for our first year
was a disaster, especially for her. She went from college
and friends in control over her life to living overseas
with a spicy, needy guy who constantly pressured her for
spicy sleep and was passive aggressive when he didn't get it.

Speaker 3 (47:33):
Oh yeah, that's that's a okay, there we go.

Speaker 5 (47:36):
That's not Yeah, No, that's terrible. That's definitely terrible. I
can't defend you all night there. That's the worst. No
wonder her desire evaporated overnight. My wife wants to want me,
But that's not how it works. It's not her faults.
The duty spicy sleep she's provided for fifteen years was
doing damage to her psyche that I didn't realize because

(47:58):
it's not a duty my guys exactly exactly. She basically
shut down her spicy side because dealing with it was
too overwhelming. I'm not entitled to anything from her. Nothing.
She doesn't owe me love, companionship, intimacy, or spicy sleep.
If my needs aren't being met, I can communicate them
clearly or walk away. But I literally never considered leaving

(48:19):
her over this until now. I can't control or change
anything other than myself, not her, not this marriage. I
need to be assertive about my needs and boundaries and
be willing to walk away if they aren't met. I
make a good income, and when thinking about how betrayed
I felt, I kept coming back to how I'm a
great husband because I take care of her and our kid.
I'm kind and financially successful. But those are table stakes,

(48:42):
not turn ons. She needs more than that to be
attracted to me. We don't have the egalitarian relationship I
thought we did. She manages our social life, calendar, everything
to do with our daughter, the household. I just let
her take on everything except finances. She's responsible for all
the emotional neighbor of managing it. Overall, I haven't been
a great partner. I want intimacy mainly for validation. I

(49:05):
am not a good listener. Don't do kind things with
no expectation of return. I am not particularly interested in
various aspects of her life. Over the years, I started
taking her for granted and giving her the leftovers of
my time, energy and attention. So here's what I'm doing now.
The night she told me about the attraction and suggested
opening up the relationship, I started thinking about dating prospects

(49:25):
if I were single. My first thought was, I need
to get my crab together. If I suddenly felt the
need to be attractive to hook up with strangers, why
hadn't I been doing it for my wife for fifteen years.
I've been coasting with my dad bod and jeans and
T shirts for years. While my wife is hot, does
cross of it, has great style, and carries herself well.
I stepped back and asked myself. If I were an

(49:47):
attractive woman, would I want to sleep with me? The
answer was no, not really. I immediately started lifting and
eating clean. After a month, I switched across it and
added yoga. In six weeks, I've dropped eleven pounds and
added muscletuf. I got micro needling for acne scars, bought
new clothes, started a full skincare routine, got braces, and
improved my haircut. Oh, he's going full makeover.

Speaker 4 (50:09):
Yes, honestly, the looks aspect I don't even think was going. Like,
I think you could have done way more, Just like
emotional how I treat my wife for it over this
stuff Like great, I'm glad that you are feeling better
and happier about your own appearance. But like, yeah, I
think she still would have loved you, dude. I think
it's how you treat her very possible.

Speaker 5 (50:27):
Yeah. I'm also building a social life, reaching out to
guy friends, joining groups, planning solo trips, switching from a
solo office to a coworking space. I'm taking ownership of
family responsibilities that I had left entirely to my wife,
our daughter's school, social calendar, household management, everything for a
spicy sleep. I've been initiating when I'm in the mood,
usually a few times a week. I've made it clear

(50:47):
that I don't want duty spicy sleep, and if she's
not up for it, she should say no. She's been
more receptive, but when she's not, I cheerfully move on.
Oddly enough, our spicy sleep life is the best it's
ever been, I think, mainly because we're being honest with
ourselves and each other. She's been exploring her spicy side,
trying to get over religious shame. We've watched corn together,

(51:09):
added dirty talk, been rougher id spicy sleep in other rooms,
got new toys. I know her heart isn't fully in
it yet, and she feels anxious about some of it.
But I haven't pushed for any of this. She's pushing herself.
I'm not trying to be needy or clingy. I've stopped
mapping her mind or monitoring her moods. I don't ask
what she's thinking or feeling, don't ask for commitments, don't

(51:31):
snoop if she's going to leave or cheat, she's going
to leave or cheat. When this started, the possibility of
divorce felt like devastating. I couldn't fathom it. After a
few weeks, I started thinking about my life after her.
I calculated alimony and child sport, looked at my budget,
thought about how it might be fun to sleep around,
take solo vacations, get a dog. If I get divorced,
I'll be an attractive, high income single man in my

(51:53):
late thirties in a major city.

Speaker 2 (51:54):
How bad could that be?

Speaker 3 (51:55):
And you lost me again?

Speaker 5 (51:56):
Ope, my forties and beyond are going to be a
spicily fulfilling one way or another. Either we build a
spicy sleep life that we're both excited about, or we
move on. I'm no longer willing to put my needs
on the back burner like I have for fifteen years,
and I'm no longer willing to tolerate a wife who
only tolerates me. Basically, I'm not trying to rebuild a marriage.
I'm rebuilding a man. If she wants to come along

(52:19):
and put the same level of work into herself, awesome.
But either way, this train is leaving the station. My
first marriage is gone. There's a slim chance I can
build a new one with this same person, But either way,
I'm going to have an amazing life going forward. But
we do have a second number eleven weeks after the
open marriage bombshell. No huge changes in our relationship, but

(52:41):
we're slowly moving forward internally and externally. I am becoming
a different person. Our spicy life is trending in the
wrong direction. Unfortunately.

Speaker 3 (52:50):
Ah, We're so close. We're always so close.

Speaker 5 (52:56):
We averaged three to four times monthly before, had spices
six times in April, but only four times in May
and once so far in June.

Speaker 4 (53:04):
I've got another piece of advice for you, op stop
tracking it, Stop tracking it.

Speaker 5 (53:09):
What is this? Why do you remember?

Speaker 3 (53:10):
I don't We're pretting so much pressure on numbers.

Speaker 5 (53:12):
Stop tracking it, Stop doing that. I've been getting shot
down more when I initiate. I suspect we had an
initial burst of motivation that's now feeling like a slog.
I've suddenly developed premature finishing issues, which I've never had.
I think it's due to not being with myself as
much as spicy sleep having more meaning now, and increased

(53:33):
anxiety about being in my head during spicy sleep. I
went from thinking this was about general attraction to wondering
if it's about the style of spicy sleep and her
wanting more dominance and variety that she thinks only someone
else could provide. Despite this, the spicy sleep we're having
has been above average for us. We're communicating better and
she seems more into it. We've been continuing to flirt

(53:54):
and she sent me a spicy text while traveling. Our
day to day dynamic is one of the bright spots.
We've been spending time together, laughing, flirting, hugging and kissing
multiple times per day, going to bed at the same time.
This helps me feel like there is something worth saving.
We've had three sessions with an ASECT certified spicy sleep
therapist who's fantastic. We're also doing a four day intensive

(54:17):
with doctor David Schnarch in Colorado, which should be challenging
but hopefully breaking through inducing for physical attractiveness. In ten weeks,
I've lost twenty plus pounds of fat. Wow, my stomach
is flat and I can see my abs starting. I've
had two rounds of micro needling for acne scars, got braces,
upgraded my wardrobe significantly. People have been commenting on how

(54:39):
much better I look in dress. I've detected more flirtatiousness
from women, something that rarely happened before. I'm building a
social life with other men and taking on more parenting responsibilities.
We had a frank conversation about her lack of attraction
to me. She said that if she met me as
a stranger, she'd find me attractive, but our history and
her religious shame make it hard for her to desire me. Now,
there is a little bit more to the story. But okay,

(55:02):
it was a little bit of like a summary on
like how he's improving himself from before.

Speaker 4 (55:07):
I totally understand that she's having trouble getting past everything
that's previously.

Speaker 5 (55:12):
Happened, for sure. I mean that was pretty like, that's
a lot, that's a lot of stuff that happened before.
But there is a little bit more to this story.
I've given myself seventeen months from the crisis to see
real change. At month two and a half, the changes
I'm making need to be for me, not to manipulate
her feelings. I can't control whether she stays or goes.
When she talked about wanting to flee the marriage and

(55:33):
experience what she missed, I stayed calm, I listened, slept fine,
and had a good workout the next morning. I've learned
that when I freak out, she shuts down. When I
stay steady, she opens up. The bottom line is simple,
I'm not trying to rebuild a marriage. I'm rebuilding myself.
My forties are going to be different, whether she's a
part of them or not. And we got a little
bit of that in the last update. But that's what

(55:55):
we end it with too.

Speaker 2 (55:56):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (55:56):
Yeah, I think there's a lot of just focus on
individuality and that for sure. Okay, but that potentially be
leading you more to divorce. Yeah, yeah, because there's not
that focus. I fully agree that you need to work
on yourself. You need to be happy with yourself. But yeah, like,
if your ultimate goal is to make a marriage work,
it needs to still be together, which it is you
guys are doing together work.

Speaker 5 (56:17):
Yeah. I really do have hope for you. Yeah, I
feel like, yeah, we've seen a lot of things improving.
I do think, you know, there are just some things
that seem to be missing. Just keep being patient, might do.
Keep being patient. I think I think you have some
work to do. I think you, I mean, okay, you're
doing work, but I think you have work to do
in possibly your religious upbringing. Yeah, if the upbringing affected

(56:42):
your idea of like, oh, my wife needs to provide
me with this spicy act, you know what I mean,
Like if that's the case. If it's not, then like
don't do that, but or like it doesn't you don't
need to, you don't need to. But yeah, focus on
the emotional stuff now now that you're getting physical stuff
and all that kind of stuff. When there's spicy sleep problems,

(57:04):
I feel it's like usually not from what I've heard anyway,
and from this what this story confirms, I feel like
it's the lack of the emotional It's not about attraction,
it's so many other things that go into it. So
keep doing what you're doing, and I hope you guys
work it out.

Speaker 3 (57:23):
Good luck.

Speaker 5 (57:23):
Opy. That was a roller coaster for sure, But that
is the end of that story. Hey, it's Sam.

Speaker 1 (57:31):
We're gonna get back to the stories. But here's three
minutes of bads from our sponsors. My girlfriend's sister hates me,
and I don't know why. That's rough, Buddy, tell me why.
I Female thirty six and my fiance, female forty eight
have been together for four and a half years ish.
We both had previous difficult relationships and experiences. My now fiance,

(57:53):
who I'll call Fran, supported me when I left my ex.
It was a challenging time for me and I had
to work through some complicated custody arrangements with my daughter,
who I'm still in contact with love and enjoy having
over By the way, this comes from user cautious Coyote
fifty to two ten. If you want to submit your
own stories, go to the r slash okay storytime separated

(58:13):
and oh, he says, I supported Fran when she was
ending her previous relationship as well. Her disability left her
with a severe concussion and reduction in mobility, and now
she has multiple diagnosis involving memory and mobility issues.

Speaker 2 (58:26):
Oho.

Speaker 1 (58:27):
As you may have noticed, my partner and I were
friends before we got together. I knew her sister back
then too. Brand has told me that her sister, who
I'll call Claire, said we would make a good couple.
We both have the same sense of humor and are
kind and caring. We all work together, so got to
know each other pretty well.

Speaker 2 (58:44):
But that was a butt, always a butt.

Speaker 1 (58:47):
But then we got together and what should have been
a wonderful time shouldn't have devolved as it did with
Claire Fran had her own flat, which I moved into,
but not straight away. Fran always tells me, saffis move fast,
but I'm by and never had a female relationship before,
so I went at a pace I felt comfortable with.
I moved in after a few months. Claire was happy

(59:10):
we got together, but due to Franz's disability, she had
put herself into a mother head and roll. I didn't
mind it at first because I didn't know all the
ins and outs of Fran's situation. Over time, Fran wanted
me to be with her at doctor's appointments, which is
fair since her relationship was getting more serious and she
wanted her partner with her through these times. Claire, on

(59:31):
the other hand, did not like how I was imposing
on her mother headness per se. So Fran sat her
down and discussed this with her. She nodded her head
and smiled, and inside she was screaming a lot.

Speaker 2 (59:45):
How do you know? She was screaming, Oh you said that? Yeah,
I thought a p said that. I was like, how
did you know that?

Speaker 1 (59:50):
I'm a psychic? Yeah.

Speaker 7 (59:52):
I don't think Fran's too happy or she's going like
happy mm hmmm. He had's fine past, and the snarky
comments and backhanded insults continued from Claire. If Frand and
I had a little argument, Claire would rerate me and
try to get into Fran's head that we.

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
Shouldn't be together now. Oh where another sit down happened again.
Claire sat there, nodded her head and she'd behave, well,
you know what.

Speaker 2 (01:00:21):
I will say, It's good that is it?

Speaker 1 (01:00:23):
Fran the girlfriend, Brand is the girlfriend, and Claire is this.

Speaker 2 (01:00:26):
It's good that Fran is, you know, confronting Claire every
time this happens. You know, she's not just being like,
oh pee, that's just Claire deal with it. Like she's
actually saying like, hey, you need to stop Clair.

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
Stop with the backhanded compliments or the backhanded comments Claire bear. More.
Time passed to the point where Fran was happy to
give Claire a spare key to the flat for just
in case situations. Brand doesn't work so she always home,
but as a habit of sleeping in late and needed
to help walking the dog in the morning, which became

(01:00:57):
Claire's job. When I was at work. One afternoon, Frand
and I decided to lock our flat door so we
can have some intimate time to go. Oh oh oh
by some monopoly.

Speaker 5 (01:01:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:01:10):
It was going well until Claire knocked on the door.
Wait to ruin the moment, Claire trying to get spicy in,
trying to pass go, trying to pass go. Fran shouted
out to hold on a minute. Then we heard the
key in the lock.

Speaker 2 (01:01:26):
Oh wait, wait wait wait wait, do stop.

Speaker 1 (01:01:31):
I'm unclothed. Fran yelled that she was coming to the
door as she started getting dressed, but it was too late.
Claire was in the flat. Fran told her to stay
by the door, but Claire asked what she said and
came closer.

Speaker 2 (01:01:44):
Oh, Claire, Clare, stop.

Speaker 1 (01:01:46):
Claire, get a clue.

Speaker 2 (01:01:47):
I think that's when you go on.

Speaker 1 (01:01:49):
That's when we got out. It's okay to say that
you're you're yeah, it's her sister.

Speaker 2 (01:01:55):
Say I get out, Claire.

Speaker 1 (01:01:58):
We were both still undressed, but it's having to cover up.
Bran yelled again to stay by the door, but Claire
Claire said she couldn't hear and was now in our bedroom.

Speaker 2 (01:02:08):
She said, she said, don't move, and then Claire said, sorry,
what was that?

Speaker 5 (01:02:12):
Move? Move?

Speaker 2 (01:02:13):
Come in?

Speaker 1 (01:02:15):
She said, come in, okay, don't come in?

Speaker 2 (01:02:17):
What I can't hear you.

Speaker 5 (01:02:19):
I'm away.

Speaker 2 (01:02:20):
She doesn't know she's trying to What is she doing,
you little freak? How's your sister?

Speaker 1 (01:02:29):
I had just gotten under the covers to hide my
naked self while Fran was still putting on her top
and pushed her sister out. Claire and Fran were both
now in the kitchen, with Fran yelling at Claire for
coming in without listening to clear instructions and for using
her key without permission. Claire was yelling at Fran for
being traumatized by what she had walked into and not

(01:02:49):
understanding why Fran was yelling at her. You dummy, You dummy, Claire,
Come on, like, what the heck she's traumatized while I'm
still freaking unclothed. I don't like swearing, well, I do,
just not around strangers. Brand took the key from Claire
then and there. All this because Claire needed measurements for
uniforms since they were both teachers in the local Sea Cadets.

(01:03:12):
Cool Fran told her that wasn't a good enough reason
to use the key. Over the years, We've had sit
down conversations with Claire and I've had some one on
one conversations with her about why she doesn't like me
and our relationship. Basically, she's acting preemptively in case we
split and she has to pick up all the pieces
with Fran, and she has done in the past. She's
also jealous because we're happy and she can't find herself

(01:03:34):
a boyfriend. Dang, Fran and Claire is straight, which sounds
weird now that I've mentioned it. Why why? Why is
that weird? Now we're making it weird now Claire needing
the mother Fran, Claire needing to pick up the pieces
when Fran's relationships fail. People have asked Frand off Claire
is her girlfriend in the past because of how Claire
acts with her. Brands misses it with disgust, stating that

(01:03:56):
Claire is her sister. Also, they're not blood related at all.
They're longtime friends who said their relationship is so close
they could be sisters and have called each other's sister
for many years.

Speaker 2 (01:04:07):
What you guys aren't even sisters?

Speaker 1 (01:04:10):
I feel like that was very important context at the
beginning of the story.

Speaker 2 (01:04:13):
Okay, you lie, I don't care if you guys are
like feel like sisters. You lied to Sop, You lied
this whole time, and I hear set.

Speaker 1 (01:04:22):
With they're sissies, And now this makes a lot more
sense because you're taking her bff away from her. Yes,
the the sister part was like, okay, I get it,
but now it makes a lot more sense that like, yeah,
they were bff's and you took the time away from Claire. Yeah,
you took Fran away from Claire.

Speaker 5 (01:04:39):
She's jealous, a little jelly.

Speaker 1 (01:04:41):
Claire has always been there to pick up the pieces
for Fran, helped remove horrible excess from her life. Literally
drove them out of town with their car packed and
dropped them off at their parents' house, no questions asked.
Over the past year or so, Claire has been stepping
back and not coming around as often, which Frand and
I both enjoy since Claire usually comes over with something
that's not needed for our home. If she does come

(01:05:02):
with treats and food, it's only for Fran. I'm not
even thought of. Claire has complained to her now adult
children about me, and it got so bad that they
even stopped coming around because of what she was saying.
They didn't like me because their mom didn't like me.
Fran spoke to them about it and we're okay now.
But Claire, personally, I have no issues with her. She's

(01:05:23):
a lovely lady, kind and considerate emotionally, though she's damaged me.

Speaker 2 (01:05:28):
Okay, so you do have issues with her. That seems
pretty paradoxical. You can't say that you don't have issues
with her, but she's also cousin you emotional damage. That's
an issue, Opie.

Speaker 1 (01:05:40):
Yeah, an issue. She's made me venomous against her due
to all the venoms she spat towards me for just
being Fran's girlfriend for no other reason. She's been a
walking contradiction. She wants to see her sister happy and
settle down. Then she's always on high alert, prepared for
to fail so she can swoop in and save the day.
If Fran and I have a disagreement, she'll be negative

(01:06:02):
about me and try to push Fran towards leaving me.
Frand has snapped it Claire and told her that I
am the love of her life, that she wants to
marry me. We've been together much longer than her other relationships,
and yes we bigger, but not enough to break up
over those arguments. It has come to the point where
Frand is thinking about cutting Claire out of her life.

Speaker 5 (01:06:21):
I might have to.

Speaker 2 (01:06:22):
Honestly, if Claire keeps trying to disrupt you guys's relationship,
I feel like.

Speaker 1 (01:06:26):
Or so negative about you, Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:06:28):
You can't. I mean, if this is the person that
you want to marry and you have a friend who's
constantly negative about them and causing trouble and emotional damage
towards Ope, then yeah, I don't think that's a friend
that you can keep in your life.

Speaker 1 (01:06:38):
Are just stressing you guys out. It's seem like it's
stress stressing you out, which stresses Fran out, which stresses
everyone out much, and it's just too much stress. Fran
has always said she doesn't do ultimatums because the person
that issues them won't win, but Claire's behavior over the
year is becoming the ultimatum. Fran has had enough. I
want her out of our lives, but Fran feels obligated

(01:06:59):
to do all the years of friendship and all the
hardships they've been through together. I keep contact to a
minimum with Claire at this point. She's just a dull
ache at the back of my head. The slightest touch
and I'm ready to explode when it comes to her
some background and fell on Claire. She's older than both
Frand and me, a single parent whose body is falling apart,
but she's still working. She has too much going on
in her life and feels that if she slows down

(01:07:20):
or stops, she will stop completely. I that her body
is telling her to slow down. She has no cartilage
in her knees, but still insists on walking and being everywhere.
Brand calls her a level five arder and it's horrendous. Luckily,
no rats yet, but I wouldn't be surprised. He has
mental issues that she refuses to get treated. Not that
she won't admit them, she's happy to do that, but
she's doing so much for everyone else that she physically

(01:07:43):
has no time for herself.

Speaker 2 (01:07:44):
I think you gotta nix this friend.

Speaker 1 (01:07:47):
Well, it's hard because again now with all that context on, okay,
you actually need help, Like, yeah, I would be. It's
hard because it's annoying and it stresses you out. Like
you said, like the thought of her is a lot,
but I feel like you have to have like a
ot least frame of her. And they've had so many
sit down conversations like this should be like the last
one like hey, I want to help you. You need help.

(01:08:08):
You need to actually focus on yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:08:10):
But I think that if they're as close as they are,
or were at least, I think Opie's girlfriend could employ
like Claire's family members to do that and say like, hey,
she needs help.

Speaker 1 (01:08:22):
Yeah, I think she has a kid or kids.

Speaker 2 (01:08:24):
Yeah, would you like, like, I feel like there's are
other ways that you can, you know, be there for
Fran that aren't necessarily being in her life.

Speaker 1 (01:08:34):
Someone someone said a helicopter like around France.

Speaker 2 (01:08:38):
Yeah, like you can help her out, but it's still
not be the same type of because it's just not
benefiting you guys.

Speaker 1 (01:08:43):
Yeah, it's not reliving her.

Speaker 2 (01:08:46):
She's so jealous that she can't like get out of this.
You know.

Speaker 1 (01:08:50):
It would be like hey Claire, as Fran would be like, listen,
I have op Now she's going to take care of me.
She's here for me. I mean I want you here
from me too, But you need to be there for
yourself first before anyone else.

Speaker 2 (01:09:05):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (01:09:06):
And if she keeps pushing that that goalpost of no no,
hmmm mmm, maybe cut it off.

Speaker 2 (01:09:14):
Agreed.

Speaker 1 (01:09:14):
So we've told her to slow down because her body
is falling apart and she needs to find herself again,
but she won't. Oh and she literally gives a two
minute walk from our place. She keeps tabs on Fran's
car since Fran can't drive, but I can, and she
knows I'm not home when the car isn't in the
parking spot. Yes, I've moved the car spot a few

(01:09:36):
times to see if she'll come around if she can't
see the car and I'm home. That was a fun
few months. Can someone save my sanity? It's been four
and a half years of sly comments, witching, and just
feeling like garbage for doing nothing but having a happy
relationship with my wonderful girlfriend. Any advice would be appreciated.

Speaker 4 (01:09:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:09:55):
I think it's just a boundary thing. I think your
girlfriend needs to make a lot stronger boundaries.

Speaker 1 (01:09:59):
Yeah. Yeah, and I hate the ultimatum thing, but it's
going to be like you might have to do it, yeah,
to to really let that sink in, which sucks.

Speaker 2 (01:10:10):
Indeed it does.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}My “best friend” SABOTAGED my wedding… so I cut her off for good! -r/bridezillas | Reddit Stories | EP2337