My boyfriend bought me a puppy I NEVER wanted… so I said no! -r/AITAH | Reddit Stories | EP2342 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 3 (00:12):
My boyfriend bought me a puppy I never wanted, so
I said, no, what are you a monster? For context,
I twenty seven female. I've always had pet dogs, cats,
even birds that fell from their nests. I also rescued
and re homed tons of animals, but I've never kept
a male pet. My mom didn't like them because I'm
hole peeing everywhere. Wow, But I guess I just got

(00:35):
used to only having girl pets. Plus, I love using
my dogs like pillows, and I'll admit the doggy boy
parts that are always a little too present make me uncomfortable.
By the way, this comes from a Cicada supremacy. And
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
the r slash Okay Storytime Separate it and I'm Angie,
I'm Dakota, I'm roley Man, and we're here to give
good advice goofiy, but we don't have all the answers

(00:56):
We're just gonna guess what we would do in this situation.
But if you would do anything differently, and let us
know in the comments. But anyway, Opie says, anyway, I've
had my dog, let's call her Luna, since I was seventeen.
She's my baby and she one hundred percent rules my life.
She's not really friendly with kids, other dogs, or most men,
but she at least kind of likes my boyfriend, thirty
one mail of two years. So my birthday was a

(01:18):
couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend told me that he
had a surprise, but it wasn't ready yet. Last Friday,
I came home from work and found him in my
apartment with a two month old German Shepherd male puppy
that he bought, complete with a balloon tied to its
collar that said Happy Birthday. He smiled and said, do
you like him? He's our new son. That's so cute.
I was shocked. The only words that came out were

(01:40):
where is Luna? He had locked my dog in the
bathroom because she growled at the puppy. I was furious.
We argued for about two hours. I told him to
take the puppy back with him. And not to come back.
He yelt some more and called me a misinterest because
apparently not wanting mail, pets, eagles, hating men. What are
your thoughts on that?

Speaker 1 (01:58):
To go to my thoughts on that one, I was
clearly joking. It's crazy to actually say that's missionary, but
it's like, it's the same general premise of your dog
has genitals, and if you lay your head next to them,
you're still doing that. Whether it's a boy or a girl. Yeah,
I understand, though there's a difference for sure. Maybe don't

(02:19):
lay your head in that one specific part of the dog.

Speaker 3 (02:23):
He also said that I was weird for being uncomfortable
around dog peepies.

Speaker 1 (02:29):
They are always peepies out.

Speaker 3 (02:31):
They really are. When I told my friends and family,
everyone sided with me. However, my boyfriend kept sending me
videos of the puppies, saying that he didn't know what
to do with it since his apartment doesn't allow pets,
especially one that would grow so much, and begging me
to take it just until he finds accommodations. He said
I owed him because he spent so much money on
the puppy and was planning for it to live with me. Anyway,

(02:51):
I don't know if that means that you owe it
to him. Yeah, I feel like, oh, he should probably
just do that. I don't think it's a big deal,
So not just do that. If it's not dog you
are attached to you, you don't have to lay on
it and use it as a pillow.

Speaker 1 (03:03):
Yeah, that's not what dogs are. He's like, that's the
only reason I get dogs, right. You know how expensive
pillows are these days? Yeah, pillows not comfortable. Heated pillows
always breaking dog built in heater.

Speaker 3 (03:18):
Built in heater. Its breath will kind of rock you
to sleep in a way. Breathing stomach, gross dog breath. Okay, well,
dog grows. But I don't want the puppy. My current
dog definitely wouldn't accept him, and in the videos I
can already see how destructive he's becoming. On the other hand,
the poor puppy is innocent in all of this. Should
I just suck it up and keep him with me

(03:38):
until my boyfriend we technically didn't break up yet, find
somewhere else to take him. Also, the puppy represents everything
I don't want in a pet. I feel like he's
just spot himself a dog but didn't really want to
take care of it, so we acted like the puppy
was my birthday present. So am I the a hole
for refusing to accept the puppy? Should I just take
him in for a while? And there are some comments come.
Number one says that was not a birthday present for you,

(04:01):
That was a gift for himself. He gets you an expensive,
high energy need to train and socialize puppy and thinks
he should get to peace out because it can't live
with me. So he gets all the fun at playing
with the puppy he wants, and sticks you with all
the bills the care your elderly dog. I couldn't care
less about your opinions on animals Genitalia, But you spend

(04:21):
more time talking about that than the fact that he
locked your elderly dog away in her own home without
you there and calls it a gift.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
How much you woo the dog was in another room, right.

Speaker 3 (04:32):
Dog was in another room.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
I wouldn't call it locking away your elderly dog. Well,
it's just in a different room for how long hours?

Speaker 3 (04:41):
That's a good question.

Speaker 1 (04:43):
We don't know eternity. Eternity because it's for an unknownsome
amount of time. Eternity. I think if you had left
the dog outside in the cold, the rain, in a box,
if you had gone out of your way to like not,
I don't know, that just seems like extra like and
you put the dog in a room, Well, he put
a dog in the room.

Speaker 3 (05:03):
Honestly, I do wonder like if the elderly dog like
just growled at the puppy and there wasn't any sort
of like attempt to kind of make the dog feel
better about it. That is an important thing that you
pay attention to to when you get a new dog.
You want to make sure that the other dogs aren't
gonna like write like, you want to make sure that
they're gonna get along.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
But also you're bad at training your dog. Girl, I'm
gonna say it, that's on you.

Speaker 3 (05:27):
How much do you want a boyfriend that you think
any of this is acceptable? Coming number two says, if
he really wants to keep the puppy, he can get
a new apartment. It would be a pain, but it
is totally doable. He would just have to make it
happen and then actually take care of the puppy. Coming
number three says, I support adopts, don't shop, so I
would be appalled if someone bought me a dog. Opie
says it shocked me because I'm not the kind of

(05:49):
people who would ever buy a dog. But when we
were on our first two dates, I literally got out
of the car and into a drain because I saw
a little orange kitten. I cut our date short and
took thee into the vet. He called me the next
day to say that he was so moved by my
love for animals, and that's literally how we became official.
So it baffles me that he thought that this was okay,
or maybe he tried to use my love for animals

(06:12):
against me. We do have an edit to clarify some things.
Some people seem to think that I'm obsessed with dogs,
Genitalia and Luwell, I'm not. The issues with the puppy
ranking are I don't want another dog because I have
a dog. I don't want to raise a puppy ever again.
I don't want to own a dog that was bought.
I don't like large breeds. I don't want a male

(06:33):
dog because I prefer female dogs. The only reason I
included that I don't like dogs peepies is because I
don't want that in my house. I don't lose sleep
over it, but I prefer the smooth belly female dogs have.
What I told my boyfriend was something along the lines
of you disregarded everything I believe in a pet to
the extent that you even brought a male dog when
I told you that it wasn't my intention to even

(06:53):
own one. Then he called me weird and misinterest. That's
the only reason that I included that part in my post,
But in my attempt to keep everything short, I didn't
include all that. And for the people telling me to
grow up and say wiener, wiener, there it is. I
wasn't sure if I was able to say that my
only knowledge up and say no, which is actually really funny.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
You said the medical one. That's the grown up one.

Speaker 3 (07:17):
Because we can't say that, so wiener isn't actually the
right word because we can't be adults on this channels.
But she did say it in other places and we
didn't walk that out, so maybe.

Speaker 1 (07:28):
Ninus there it is.

Speaker 3 (07:30):
I wasn't sure if I was able to say that
my only knowledge of Reddit were videos on TikTok with
bad gameplay of subway surfers in the background. So there's that.
If you want me to clarify something else, please let
me know. And one reason, but not the only reason
I don't particularly like male dogs is because my uncle
had a male rottweiler, very aggressive, and one time at
my grandma's house he jumped on me. I was like

(07:53):
five or six, and he tried to hump my face
with his red rocket all out. No, it freaked me out.

Speaker 1 (07:58):
Not the puniness.

Speaker 3 (08:00):
Baninas excited Baninas.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
So really, after all of that, you're like, it's your
childhood trauma that you don't like male dogs.

Speaker 3 (08:08):
That would have been a better clarification was trauma.

Speaker 1 (08:11):
You're traumatized. Yeah, that's traumatizing. But also, do you know
why Rottlilers are so aggressive by nature? They were bred
to defend and pull meat sleds in Chicago.

Speaker 3 (08:21):
Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 1 (08:22):
So if anyone came scrounge around trying to take the meat,
they'd go and they'd rip them apart and then add
them to the meat and adam to the meat cart.

Speaker 3 (08:30):
WHOA, yep, that's crazy.

Speaker 1 (08:32):
Oh yeah, that's pretty wild.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
Yeah, I mean so here's the thing, though, is that
female dogs will hump you too, they just won't have
a red rocket in your face. That's all. That's the
only thing. But the humping is a dominance thing.

Speaker 1 (08:44):
It's not Paninas.

Speaker 3 (08:45):
But anyway, so my grandma had to get rid of
the dog after that. She had a large property in
another city and that's where they took him because nobody
wanted their kids near the dog. So there's the backstory,
and we do have an update. I think we should
just jump right in. So I didn't want to update
before talking to both my therapists and psychiatrists. So here
we go. First of all, the puppy is fine. The

(09:08):
day after my original post, my neighbor texted me around
two pm because she heard loud noises from my apartment.
She has a spare key. She and Luna are besties
and often go on walks when she works from home,
so she offered to check. Turns out the puppy was inside,
and Luna was just sitting on the couch glaring at
the puppy like she was personally offended. I told my
boss that I had a family emergency and rushed home.
My neighbor had been entertaining the puppy, but my apartment

(09:30):
was trashed. She agreed to take the puppy for a
few hours. While I cleaned, I realized a lot of
the mess didn't look like it was from the puppy.
Some of the papers seemed sheered, and not a single
tooth mark. I went to building management and they showed
me camera footage my ex boyfriend walking in with the puppy,
staying twenty minutes and leaving. I had them remove him
from the visitor list, and they even offered to change

(09:52):
my locks. I panicked a little and called my mom,
who told me to either call my godfather or find
a local shelter. My godfather said that he'll call all
his friends, many of whom have large breed experience. Meanwhile,
my neighbor brought the puppy back, tired from the park.
I'll admit he was adorable. A few hours later, my
godfather called to say one of his friends, a German

(10:12):
shepherd lover with two already, wanted to adopt him. This
is great, we're finding a place for him.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
Like, yeah, that's getting the dog adopted by someone else.
Not an issue, not an issue, just yeah, no need
to stress about that happened easy at all.

Speaker 3 (10:27):
Puppy's name is Kai now and apparently my godfather's friend
has tons of experience training big breeds. As for my ex,
I decided to call his mom because I still had
him blocked. If you guessed that he was jealous of Luna,
you'd be correct. He wanted to move in with me.
He thought Luna wasn't manly enough and that a German
shepherd would make me see reason. His plan was basically,

(10:48):
I'd find two dogs too much work, and I would
get over my obsession with Luna that's in quotes by
leaving her with my mom. Yes, really, his own mom
told him that she was disappointed and that she'd didn't
raise him to be sneaky and selfish. Good on that mom.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
It's also like the dumbest idea ever. Yeah, that she
would be like, Okay, the brand new dog is the
dog I will now right take care of instead of
the one I've had forever.

Speaker 3 (11:14):
Yeah, seniority counts when you're thinking about which dog you
got to get rid of. Yeah, the one you've had
for longer, that's gonna be the one that stays. Okay.
I told him that we were done and that Kai
had already been rehomed to a loving family. He tried
to get mad about me rehoming his dog, but his
mom reminded him that the puppy was a gift and

(11:34):
I could do whatever I wanted with him. I hugged
her goodbye and haven't spoken to him since. But we
have a little bit more into the story. But yeah,
good riddance. He definitely is red pilled if he's thinking
that whatever dog she has I don't remember the breed
is not manly enough and a German Shepherd would be better.

Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah, that dog's not manly enough. I want the dog
associated with the worst guy ever.

Speaker 3 (11:57):
We do have more to the s Sorry. I also
talked this through with both my therapists and psychiatrists. I
talked to them about the whole situation and both agreed
separately that having preferences is not wrong. As long as
I'm not harming animals because of their gender, then there's
nothing wrong with not wanting them. Right now, I'm at
my mom's house with Luna, using some PTO to rest

(12:20):
and recover. This whole thing was exhausting, but at least
it ended with Kai in a good home and one
less toxic boyfriend of my life. There is an edit
to clarify. I called my ex's mom and told her
a summary of what happened. She told me that she
was going to call him and tell him to come
see her the next day, and then she'd let me
know when he was with her so we could talk.
After our discussion, I hugged her goodbye and left and

(12:41):
that's the end of that story.

Speaker 1 (12:44):
My fiance wants to name our daughter after his deceased ex.
Should I let him?

Speaker 3 (12:49):
Oh boy, what a question.

Speaker 1 (12:52):
I twenty three female, met my fiance twenty seven male
when I was nineteen in college, four years ago, currently
seven months pregnant. We were having a play and pregnancy
and our daughter is due in October. By the way,
this comes from user throwawaymri raw and if you want
to submit your own stories, go to the r slash
Okay storytime suburt it. I'm Dakota, I'm Angie, I'm Riley.

(13:14):
We are here to give good advice Goofiley, but we
don't have all the answers, so we only know what
we'd do if you would do something else, let us
know in the comments. Oh p says my fiance had
a high school sweetheart who he dated from freshman year
until his sophomore year in college. She passed away due
to Brest. I never knew her, but in the beginning

(13:35):
of our relationship he never failed to mention how she
was a beautiful person. He admitted to me that he
had always wanted to marry her and imagined them having kids.
He loves me very much and has always been a
great partner. Recently, we were on the topic of baby names.
I am mixed Ivorian and Brazilian and my fiance is
from Costa Rica. I was thinking of name Antonia, but

(13:58):
I was definitely open to other options. He suggested we
name our daughter after her, not as a middle name,
not a Gracie Anne kind of thing where you have
two names, but as her first name. His ex's name
is very unique and not something common where it could
be nicknamed differently or not be a direct tribute to her.
I believe her name is a cultural name as well,
and neither of us are from that culture. I told

(14:20):
him I'd be fine with it being her middle name
or even a nickname, but he told me he really
wanted to make her name his exes. I want to
make it clear that I have nothing against the idea
of naming kids after lost loved ones, but just not
my first baby. Have a strong feeling that our daughter
is going to look just like me, which will make
it more awkward. He just came home from work and
is in a really good mood. I feel tense writing

(14:42):
this next to him. Any advice, please, Conversation is always good.

Speaker 3 (14:46):
I feel like it'd be good to find out, like
why exactly we would want that. I can assume why,
but it would be good to hear him put it
in words, to hear like specifically why, like would he
see it as her reborn in a way or see
it yeah right? Or what do you see it? I
don't know, it's like just some sort of tribute. Would
this change his mind of how he would view the

(15:08):
kid or view op What other ways does his grieving
still like linger and affect his everyday life. I have
a lot of questions.

Speaker 1 (15:16):
I think the way that you could approach this is
just being like, look, I understand what happened with her,
and she's gone. You want to do something special to
pay tribute to her, but this is our child. Yeah,
And given the way that you continue to express that
you feel about your you know ex who passed away,

(15:36):
I feel like that's not the way to pay tribute
to her. In a way that's respectful to me.

Speaker 3 (15:44):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 (15:45):
Let's see what the internet has to say. Come and
her one. Yeah, I wouldn't want my partner doing that,
to be honest, nothing personal. Just like you said, not
the first baby, and definitely not the first name, especially
if it isn't common or doesn't fit your cultural I
thought the same thing, says op. His ex was Middle Eastern,
and I'm half Latina and he is Latino. The questions

(16:07):
regarding her name would be endless. Commentry two says, I
think it's perfectly fine for him to ask, and it's
perfectly fine for you to not want it. Names for
a baby of a couple are a two yes situation. However,
I do find it a bit odd that you feel
a specific type of way since this is your first
baby rather than any baby, but I guess that's not
the topic here. OPI says, I am conflicted about naming

(16:29):
my firstborn after her, because what if this is the
only girl I have, or if I can't conceive after this.
I've always wanted a daughter, and I really wanted her
to have a meaningful name. Not that naming her after
his ex isn't meaningful. Commentary three did he grieve her properly?
It's okay to talk about her, but still talking a
lot about how beautiful she is and now he wanted

(16:52):
to marry her and have kids with her feels like
it's too much. You are seven years or so passed
when she passed on, But you should dig into what
he did regard ard and grieving and how he got
back into the dating scene. You being so young when
you got together after a major traumatic loss for him
is concerning as well. Is the age gap horrible? It's
kind of borderline at that age, But add in the

(17:14):
trauma he went through, and I wonder it's tough to
navigate loss of a serious significant other. So just make
sure you both are going in with your eyes wide
open to how he's truly managed his grief. How adamant
is he about this. If he's really pushing for it,
you two need to get to counseling as soon as possible.
You're being very kind suggesting her name or a variant

(17:35):
be linked to a middle name, But I'd be wary
he'd call your kid by their middle name. Oh, he replies.
He is still open to names, but he's brought up
naming her after his ex maybe twice. He used to
visit her grave in the beginning of our relationship years ago,
but doesn't anymore. He doesn't bring her up often. Honestly,
call my shot. He's still visiting that grave. He's not
telling you about it. Why would he? Well, I mean, yeah,

(17:57):
imagine that. It's like you visit your ex's grave and
it's like, you're not gonna go home and be like, hey, Honnie,
I was at her grave again today. It's like he
probably picked up that you were uncomfortable by it, and
we're like, all right, well, I just won't tell her
about it. Yeah, because what are you gonna do?

Speaker 3 (18:09):
Yeah, you know, it's possible.

Speaker 1 (18:11):
I don't know. Grief can last for a long time,
for sure. Grief is complex. I've talked to him before
about his feelings towards her, and I think it's clear
that he is very into me and doesn't still love her.
But I'm so confused as to why he would suggest
it on the idea that Opie's boyfriend is probably not
done with grieving the passing of his late girlfriend, op
he replies, you think I really hope he is ready

(18:34):
for the responsibility of being a dad more importantly a husband,
But I really hope he isn't still stuck on her.
And there's an update. Update starts with bad news, good news.
What do you think the bad news is?

Speaker 3 (18:45):
I'm so nervous. What do I think it is? I
think he's still hung up on her. I don't actually know.
I have no idea.

Speaker 1 (18:52):
I think bad news he's been lying and he's still
going to the grave. Good news, he's open to not
making your child named after her, hopefully.

Speaker 3 (19:00):
Guess see, there's a lot of ways that this could go.
But yeah, I don't know. I feel like it is
interesting that, like, if he is supposedly over it, I'm
sure there's still love for her. I wouldn't guess that
he doesn't love her anymore. I don't think it's that.
Maybe that's just kind of a way to communicate that, like,
you know, maybe he's still like attached to her or
something like that. Maybe that's what she was trying to say.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
It was recommended to my fiance, and he read it
and connected the dots. He knew it was him. He
saw my user name, and he knows I love Mally
Raw the producer, and it was quite obviously me awkward.
He wasn't upset. Okay, that's the good news, and I insisted,
but he only asked because he thought it would be

(19:42):
a good gesture. He's completely open to therapy and marriage counseling.
I still feel very iffy about this whole situation, and
if things don't go well in marriage counseling and I
don't get the honesty I need, it's raps good news.
My daughter will be named Antonia. Hmmm, not isra Sama,
which is his ex's name.

Speaker 4 (20:00):
oOoOO.

Speaker 1 (20:01):
I won't lie. Being pregnant and reading through some of
these comments hurt, but perhaps you were right. Maybe I
need to realize the truth. Hopefully positive updates coming soon.
Comment number one, Oh good, because it's honestly a huge
red flag. He wanted to name your child after an
ex and definitely need to do therapy before getting married.
Are you sure he has grieved his ex properly? I'd
hold off getting married anytime soon. A down voted comment says.

Speaker 2 (20:24):
There are so many beautiful ways to honor so and
you've lost without intertwining their memory with your child's identity,
perhaps creating a foundation in her name, supporting a cause
she cared about, or writing a tribute could be more
meaningful ways to keep her memory alive. Your daughter deserves
to be celebrated purely for who she is, carrying forward
your shared future, not someone else's past. Sending you strength

(20:45):
as you navigate this conversation.

Speaker 1 (20:47):
That was down voted. I went in with a funny
voice because I thought it was going to be a
bad comment. That wasn't really that bad at all.

Speaker 3 (20:52):
It's a great comment. It's very true.

Speaker 1 (20:54):
Who downvoted that?

Speaker 3 (20:56):
Riley?

Speaker 1 (20:57):
Okay. Some more comments from the best of Redator's update.
Comment one. I've heard multiple stories of men naming their
daughters after their exes and affair partners. I wonder why
they do it. Can we just acknowledge Isra Sama is
a dope name.

Speaker 3 (21:12):
It is a pretty cool name. You imagine He's like, well,
I mean I really had that name fats out before
I dated her, and then now it has this meaning.
But like, I still really like that name.

Speaker 1 (21:21):
But honestly, ant is also well. I hit the Mongolian
throat singing note there for like you did quarter second
he did dang brought it out of me. Reply. I
think it's a bit weird because assuming they thought the
deceased were attractive and dated them. Aaron likely had the

(21:42):
spicy relations with them, Like, why would you remind yourself
of that with a child. I don't really like naming
after people anyway. Middle names are fine, but it always
ends up being a fuss with families dictating that multiple
babies should have which name, getting salty about not having
passed on the legacy, blah blah blah. I'm biased, though.
My family has a weird competition thing with naming their

(22:05):
kids after my great granddad. I never met him, but
he was apparently a very decent and kind man. But
that's not the issue. The problem is people expect a
massive amount of praise and adoration for doing it. They
do it for that reason. It's bizarre. My uncle had
three more kids in his late fifties, and I know
he named the son after his grandfather to get back
in his mother's good graces. Didn't work, though she's hateful,

(22:28):
doesn't really care for him or his younger children. She
only likes his firstborn son. So go figure comment to
says nothing says you love your wife like naming your
child after someone you'd rather have had kids with. To
be clear, I don't think that you should name your
daughter with OP after your ex. However, I don't think

(22:48):
it's necessarily like it's just like a I want to
constantly be reminded that I like this person better than you.
I don't know, it's complicated. I think grief and that
kind of stuff is complicated. I think he can be
moved on and still one do that, But at the
same time, it can be you know, as soon as
your current partner goes Yo, that's weird, and I don't
like that you gotta go all right, totally fair, Yeah,

(23:09):
totally understandable. I just wanted to float it because the
name is also so cool.

Speaker 3 (23:13):
Yeah. I feel like it also doesn't necessarily mean that
he likes the ex more than his current wife.

Speaker 1 (23:19):
Right, I feel like it doesn't. I really don't think
it's yes exactly.

Speaker 3 (23:22):
It just means that he's just grieving, that's all.

Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yeah. Another reply says, not just that, but she is
passed away. This isn't someone he broke up with or
who moved away. She is gone, gone forever, and shrined
as someone flawless in his mind. Reply Honestly, I'd say
it would be worse if she wasn't passed away. I agree, Well, yeah,
imagine naming your child after the one who got away,

(23:45):
who is still out there. At least a passed away
woman isn't going to run into you one day wondering
why the hecker X of over seven years married and
still named his baby after her. Comment three children should
not be used as living memorials for someone's grief, specifically
in a situation like this, it's not fair to anyone involved.
A reply. In Ashkenazi tradition, children are named for the deceased,

(24:07):
but not those that passed away tragically young. That's bad luck.
It would be one thing if the name was for
a grandmother or aunt and counterbalanced by someone long lived.
But dad's tragically young girlfriend is no bueno. And that's
the end of that story.

Speaker 3 (24:23):
My boyfriend demanded I comfort him after he failed to
do the same to me.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
What did he do? Hug you with shand paper.

Speaker 3 (24:31):
My boyfriend forty one male or x now, I guess,
has been fighting with me forty female this whole week.
Three giant blow ups since Tuesday night, with minor ones
in between, and I've just had enough. By the way,
this comes from a great value popcorn, And if you
want to submit your own stories go to the r
slash Okay storytime, sepread it and I'm Angie, I'm Dakota,

(24:52):
I'm riling, and we're here to give good advice goofully.
But we don't have all the answers. We're just here
to say what we would do in these situations. But
let us know if you you would do the same
or something different in the comments below. So oh P
says now to explain why I might not be getting
the cake. We all live together in a studio and
he has two daughters, eleven and fourteen. His youngest birthday

(25:13):
is today, Monday, the eighth, as of writing this, at
three in the morning. At around eight thirty pm on Sunday,
he told me that he's leaving this coming weekend. I
was confused. I thought maybe he was going to visit someone,
maybe his mom, since her health hasn't been great. So
he asked him to explain, and he said that he's
just leaving this weekend and he's not coming back.

Speaker 1 (25:32):
Huh what, Well, I guess that means it's it's over.

Speaker 3 (25:36):
I'm not leaving on a trip, I'm leaving you.

Speaker 1 (25:39):
I'm leaving forever.

Speaker 3 (25:40):
I was just like, okay, that's your decision. I guess.
He wouldn't say where he was going, just that he's
leaving and he won't have to pay anything to live there.
And that's when he started rating me what. So many
insults came at me. I didn't know what to do,
so I just kept saying to go, I don't care.
I'll give him back partial rent and he can leave.
He's pissed about having to pay rent. He holds it

(26:00):
over my head all the time. For four years, I've
been dealing with these types of blow ups, and somehow
I got roped into taking care of his two kids
on a regular basis. This includes driving them everywhere to
and from school, the store, playgrounds, anywhere. I also spend
my ebt i'm disabled, on them and any money that
I've gotten, at least some of it has gone to

(26:21):
him or the kids. I'm the only one that cooks
real meals, I'm the one who does most out of
the cleaning. But to him, no, no, I'm lazy. All
of this and he still expects me to pick up
his kids this week and get the cake. But what
if I didn't. His actions are going to directly impact
his kids. Okay, I'm guessing one of the kid's birthdays
coming up. This is the cake that we're getting. That's

(26:42):
the cake cake for the youngest kid.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
And we can eat it too well, not if he leaves.

Speaker 3 (26:47):
Not if any can't, then he can't. And he's going
to tell them that I've always hated their guts and
I'm doing this to spite them. He said that that's
what he's going to tell them if I don't get
the cake. That is so insane. That's like sociopath behavior.
If you don't get this cake after doing everything else,
I'm gonna tell the kids that you've always hated them
if you don't get them their birthday cake.

Speaker 1 (27:08):
What a terrible father that is. So you don't get
them this cake, I'm gonna traumatize my children emotionally. Yeah,
and because you care about them more than me. Ah yeah,
I know you're gonna add the red land. Oh my gosh,
it's crazy.

Speaker 3 (27:23):
So what am I supposed to do? I've got twelve
hours to decide. Would I be the a hole if
I didn't do it and his daughter suffers from his behavior?
Is this going too far? There isn't edit. Since I
think I confused some people, He's not leaving now. It's
not the weekend, so five days from now, he's still
expecting you need to do all these things while he's
still here, including the cake. Also, his kid's mother is

(27:43):
in the picture, but they live here the majority of
the time. We do have an update, But whatsh you do?

Speaker 1 (27:49):
I'd be telling me to get out of the freaking house. Yeah,
is he on the lease? Is he legally like entitled
to be there? Because if he's not, I'd be like,
you can go ahead and move out right now. You
can go ahead and collect your things, move out, take
the kids to mom's place. We're going tell them whatever
you want. You're no longer a part of my life.
Any damage you do to your children is not my fault.

Speaker 3 (28:08):
I think you could say or give a little note
to the kids or something, I like, just hey, by
the way, I really love you. Your dad told me
that if I didn't do some things, then he would
tell you that I really don't like you, or he
would say a lot of mean things saying that I
said those mean things. But I assure you that that's
not the case. Your dad just wasn't treating me very nicely.

Speaker 1 (28:29):
So I kid proof letter for that yeah, yeah, exactly where.
It's just like we are fighting. We are grown up fighting,
and sometimes grown ups fight and they say things to
try to hurt the other grown up that might accidentally
hurt the kids. So I'm writing you this so that
you never accidentally think that I hate you. They don't.

Speaker 3 (28:49):
This is proof. But we do have an update, so obligatory.
Thank you for all the comments. It really helps me
soart through my emotions and make the decision to get
the cake. It wasn't her fault. Who am I to
ruin her birthday? My thoughts are a bit jumbled, so
things maybe out of order here, But first things first.
Last week, my grandmother took a turn for the worse.
I've been caring for her, being there if she needed something,

(29:11):
doctor's appointments, et cetera. But Friday, my mom and I
came home and found her in the kitchen, unable to
form words, confused and scared. We just had a nurse
there a couple hours prior, and she was talking fine.
Her health issues are a plenty, but this was completely
new and completely out of nowhere, so I took responsibility
for her medications over the weekend. The on call doctor

(29:32):
said that she didn't need to go to the hospital.
I don't know why, so we managed at home until
we heard from her primary who said that she should go.
Sunday afternoon, paramedics took her to the hospital. I bring
this up because of what happened mid Monday morning after
my first post. I was coming back home and my
mom called me. Apparently, doctors are now saying that she's
at her end of life stage and she is to
come home, will be kept comfortable, and is predicted to

(29:55):
pass away within the next week. Oh my gosh. And
this is the week that he's leaving too so much
in one week, Oh my goodness. So of course I'm crying.
When I walked into my apartment where my soon to
be ex is sitting, I'm still talking to my mom
about plans and how things are expected to go. He
hears me. I know he hears me, and when I
get off the phone, he asks what's going on, and

(30:15):
I tell him. He gives me a touch of sympathy,
and I just told him that this will be one
of the hardest weeks of my life. She's expected to
pass away. I will be caring for her around the
clock with her nurses and he's been arguing with me,
and now I have to deal with him leaving in
the stress of that, this is the perfect time for
him to blame me. I guess whatever. I just let

(30:35):
him talk. I had been up for nearly twenty four
hours straight. I'm exhausted, I'm hurting, and my gosh, dang
period just showed up. So f you bro shut up?
What would he even think to blame you for in
that moment? What could he come up with so creative?
He's gotta be oh my.

Speaker 1 (30:53):
You were born oooh ah, it's your fault.

Speaker 3 (30:56):
I just like, really don't like that you're crying around me.
Really is bringing down the moon food? And frick you
for that, honestly. So I left for an hour or so.
When I got back, I find him crying on the bed.
I feign empathy and ask what's wrong. Apparently his mom
is in the hospital. She's been having mental health issues
and whin mia for a couple weeks. Her apartment was

(31:16):
a mess. He hadn't been paying rent, and his sister
is trying to get power of attorney because she's deemed
a danger to herself and others. I don't know what
the f is going on. He's trying to get me
to comfort him. All I can do is sit there,
stare off into the distance and silently cry. And I'm
not sad. I'm effing angry. I'm angry at him for
wanting me to do what he was unwilling to do

(31:37):
for me. As I talked about my grandma, the longer
I listened, the more upset I got, and I distanced myself,
eventually just tuning it out and letting him deal with
his emotions on his own. I can't handle him in
mine at the same time. Anyway, We've both gathered ourselves
and it comes time to pick up his kid and
the cake. She wanted to choose her cake, so I
took them to the store, but I stayed in the car.

(31:58):
I was so tired I passed out for the time
that they were in there, and woke up to my
own snoring just before they got back. Thankfully, that gave
me just enough energy to get back home. We got
back home, I pretended everything was normal. We did the cake.
When his oldest got home she's in middle school, and
gets out an hour later. He lit the candles, saying
happy Birthday, opened gifts, Happy moment, for the kiddos. Once

(32:18):
everyone was settled with their cake, I slipped away to
my mom's side of the house to get some sleep.
I managed to message the kid's mom using an old
Facebook account I had i'd forgotten. I reached out to
her before on there and told her what's up. A
lot of people were asking about her in the comments,
and we had always been friendly with each other. Am
My soon to be ex filled my head with a
lot of crap about her, that she was harmful, neglectful,
didn't like the kids, and I just spilled all of

(32:40):
this crap about everything he's said to me. In fact,
he said this about multiple exes. I should have seen
this coming, but I'm a little too trustful. It turns
out it's all.

Speaker 1 (32:49):
Lies, lies and deception.

Speaker 3 (32:53):
Lies menilli mmmmmmmm. Today, Tuesday morning, I took his youngest
to school. Her mom wasn't able to get here early
enough to do it, so I did it for her,
not for him. She's going to have to pick up
the slack, miswork, et cetera, so I could do it
one more time. Afterwards, soon to be ex is sitting
on the other side of the room with his oldest
and I'm eavesdropping what's he doing bashing me to her

(33:16):
how he was the one helping me, and that sometimes
you help someone and it blows up in your face,
and that I'm hunting him out. I'm the reason he
won't see her for a while. I'm the reason he'll
be homeless. But he was the one to tell me
that he's leaving. So I message their mom and just
ask her to tell them the Truth's right, it is
a little bit more to the story. But well, I'm

(33:37):
glad that maybe the mom can do something with the
kids and can, you know, reassure them of the truth.

Speaker 1 (33:44):
I think at this point, you put on a bunch
of green witch makeup and you put on the point
he had, yeah, and you just go around going.

Speaker 3 (33:53):
Yeah, I'm making your dad homeless.

Speaker 1 (33:58):
Yeah, And then the kids will be like, oh my god,
yeah she really was a witch. There you go, she was.

Speaker 3 (34:04):
A witch the whole time.

Speaker 1 (34:05):
And then he's just crazy yeah, and then you go, wow,
get out of my right. No, all you can do
is just be like, well, this guy is a cartoonishly
bad father. He's literally emotionally scarring his children. Yeah by
saying this stuff to them, Yeah, dude, and giving them

(34:27):
trust issues. So I think all you can do is
just tell the ex wife and like, look, he's saying
all this stuff. He please said it right with your
kids that I don't think that way and that their
father's a scumbag.

Speaker 3 (34:39):
Yeah, thanks, thank you very much, thank you very much.
There is a little bit more to the story. So
the big fat cherry on top, he's now backtracking to
me saying that he never said that he was leaving,
and then he said he didn't know if he was leaving.
He's quote scared of what's going to happen. He doesn't
know this person he's been talking to you, or if
they'll even let him live there. But I I told him,

(35:00):
tough effing crap. Maybe, just maybe, if you didn't make
your bed, you wouldn't be lying in it right now,
pack up and go. So here we are. A lot
can happen in twenty four hours. I guess I can't
wait until this weekend comes. I'll be spending most of
my time with my grandma or my mom, and he
can be here alone taking care of what needs to
be taken care of. And in the future, somewhere out there,

(35:22):
there's going to be a woman who thinks that I
chased him with a chainsaw and that's the end of
that story.

Speaker 1 (35:29):
Hey, it's Sam. We're going to get back to these stories.
But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. I
chose my father over my mother even though he cheated.

Speaker 5 (35:37):
That makes it sound like your mom is something worse.

Speaker 1 (35:40):
I fifteen male, am the oldest of three. My brother
is the middle eleven, and my sister is the youngest
at eight. My family had always been kind of messy,
and I knew that from the beginning, but growing up
I always felt outcasted from my mother and her side
of the family, which is mostly just her sister, since
my mom is not close with her parents. By the way,

(36:01):
this comes from user lived Society eighteen twenty eight, and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
the r slash Okay storytime subbreddit. I'm Dakota, I'm Carly,
and we try to give our best advice goofy, but
we haven't experienced all of these situations before, so if
you have, let us know what you would do in

(36:21):
the comments. Op says I noticed this mostly as my
brother and sister got older. It was like night and day.
For example, at school, if I made some crappy painting,
my mom wouldn't even look at it. But now with
my brother and more so my sister, anything she makes
is like it was touched by the hand of God
and it gets displayed everywhere. My aunt, my mom's sister,

(36:44):
would never ask how my day was or anything, and
hardly talk to me if I wanted to tell her something,
she didn't care. But with my brother and sister, she's
the warmest person, so nice, so kind, and so much fun,
but never that with me. My mom would sometimes not
set a plate for me at the table and I
had to get my own In a family Christmas card.

(37:05):
One year, she used a picture without me in it.
I used to hear my mom and dad fight about
this a lot, especially when I was younger. My dad
would always just ask her to try. And I think
it's finally clicked for me now that I'm the reason
for this divorce, partly apart from the cheating, and my
dad and his family were the opposite of this. They
loved me. I have a great relationship with my father

(37:27):
and he's the best father ever. Sorry this is all
over the place. This part was really long, so I
tried to cut it down. About a few days before
my parents told us about the divorce, I got in
a huge fight with my mom and kind of my dad,
but he was just kind of there over unrelated things.
And during that I asked her why she didn't love me.
I think in a moment of anger, she admitted she

(37:49):
didn't want me. This is brutal.

Speaker 5 (37:52):
Oh my god, hophe Yeah.

Speaker 1 (37:55):
I say, side with your dad no matter how much
he cheated on your mom, because your mom hates you.

Speaker 5 (38:00):
Sounds like your mom's just miserable too. Maybe that like what,
I don't.

Speaker 1 (38:04):
Know, miserable over you for some reason, like it was
the first kid and she didn't want kids or something,
and it's like you're what ruined her life according to her,
which is not true.

Speaker 5 (38:14):
Yeah, and definitely don't blame yourself for this divorce.

Speaker 1 (38:17):
Yeah, it's her actions and behavior as they cause the divorce.
You're just you're a byproduct of existence, like or not
a byproduct a casualty. Yeah, you were caught in the crossfire.
At that moment, my dad basically exploded on her and
sent me to bed. I think I shut down after this.
I just remember being pathetic and crying in my bed

(38:39):
that night, when my parents sat us down and informed
me and my siblings they were getting divorced, I felt
numb to it. My siblings were so distraught, but I
felt numb, and I still do. My aunt was there
and was telling me and my siblings to get ready
to leave and that we were going to go stay
with my mom for a while. In that moment, I
got really upset because I do not want to go

(39:00):
live with a woman who never wanted me and then
proceeded to treat me like crap throughout my life and
clearly did not love me. I didn't mention that initially,
so I told my aunt, mom and dad that I
didn't want to leave the house I grew up in
to go stay at my aunt's house with my mom.
My mother just looked sad, but I walked out of
the kitchen into my bedroom to go be alone. The

(39:22):
audacity of your mother to act sad. Wait, what she's
so sad about? What you would think at the way
that she talks about you. She'd have like, you know,
Confederate ready to go prepared. Yeah, she did this to herself.
She's like, oh, wait, the consequences of my actions? No, no,
all I said, was I don't want you? I never

(39:43):
did it.

Speaker 5 (39:44):
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 (39:46):
Crazy. My aunt followed me and wanted to talk to me.
She seemed very upset with me. She said that my
siblings look up to me, which is true. I am
basically a third parent, and I need to be there
for my mother in this hard time. Holy parentification manh Yeah.

Speaker 5 (40:03):
He needs to be there for your mother that has
openly told you that she doesn't care about you.

Speaker 1 (40:08):
And has actively not been there for you. I told
her something like I don't want to be there for
that witch, and my aunt got really mad at me
and told me I didn't understand and that my dad
cheated and I should support my mom. And that's the
moment I learned, he cheated.

Speaker 5 (40:25):
That's what it says.

Speaker 1 (40:27):
Yeah, that's crazy. In that moment, I honestly didn't care
he cheated. Looking back, I do think it was crappy.
My dad cheated on my mom, and I got really
mad and brought up everything and asked her why I
would support someone who doesn't love me and didn't want me.
I brought up all the things throughout my life that
felt big to me. My aunt basically told me that

(40:47):
it was a complicated situation when it came to me,
and that I couldn't resent my mother for it. Does
that mean, well, yeah, I need elaboration. You can't just
drop my dad cheated and then not elaborate on why
it's so complicated that my mom seems to outwardly hate me.

Speaker 5 (41:05):
It's just a complicated situation.

Speaker 1 (41:08):
At this point, my parents came up because we were yelling,
and I was then left alone in my room when
they got her to leave. It's been a few weeks
since then and I'm staying with my dad. My mother
wants to talk to me, and I do not. I
feel especially pathetic in regards to my siblings. They really
look up to me, and I'm not with them to

(41:28):
help them through this hard time, and I've basically abandoned them.
It's just it's so hard because you've clearly been made
to feel responsible for everything when these are your parents' children,
they're your siblings, but they're also eleven and eight. They
need to be taken care of by their parents. I
feel pathetic crying about all this when I should be

(41:51):
trying to be proactive, calling my siblings and texting them,
but instead I sit there and cry. My sister also
overheard my fight with my aunt, and her, being eight,
didn't understand half the things we thought about, but she
looked it up and now she thinks my mother tried
to unalive me, and she won't take any explanation. My
mom and aunt offered her, what did you talk about?

(42:14):
It's complicated. My sister is also distraught and thinks our
mother hates me and is trying to separate us. My
brother and me haven't really talked, but I think he's
taking it the best out of all of us. According
to my dad, my mom and aunt want to explain
to my sister that my mom did not try to
unlive me and that my mom does not hate me.

(42:36):
My dad does not want me to hate my mom.
He wants me to talk to her because he wants
me to have a relationship with her. I think I
just hate her for treating me so differently and rather
badly from my siblings growing up, and I don't want
to talk to her again. As for my dad cheating,
he was a piece of crab for that, but when
I look at him, I can't bring myself to truly care,

(42:59):
and I know that makes me terrible, but I feel
so conflicted. I love my dad. He's been nothing but
supportive to me in the best way a father can be,
but I don't want to talk to anyone. I've hardly
spoken to any of my extended family, hardly spoken to
my siblings, and I feel so lost, but also right
in the situation, but also like a total a hole
because my dad is wrong for cheating, but he doesn't

(43:22):
act wrong, and I'm supporting him even though he cheated.
I'm sorry for how long this was? Am I the
a hole? I need someone to give me the cold,
hard truth and there is an update.

Speaker 5 (43:33):
Oh my god, No, you're not the ale Opie. You
need so much therapy though, hey.

Speaker 1 (43:39):
You're just fifteen. It's of course the hardest thing ever
that you could possibly be dealing with. I'd be on
my dad's side too, if my mom treated me that way.

Speaker 5 (43:48):
It's not even like that he's uh Opie male, I
believe So it's not even that Opie is like on
their dad's side. It's just you don't want to live
with someone who doesn't care about you, like you never
went to your mom and was like he was right
to cheat on you, Like you literally were just like
I don't want to go live with you exactly.

Speaker 1 (44:09):
It's like, out of all of the information I have,
I would still rather be with my dad because honestly,
you treat me terribly right.

Speaker 5 (44:16):
And that's not wrong to say in any way.

Speaker 1 (44:19):
You like told me straight up that you didn't want me,
So I'll take myself out of the equation and stay
with dad. I don't think you'll be around him because
he cheated on you, which ope saying is wrong, which
I wouldn't even be able to do that at fifteen.
I'd be full. I'd be full, like scorched earth mode.

(44:39):
But you know whatever, it's Uh, it's complicated. You need
to be You need that entire situation explained to you
in detail, if immediately it can't just be like, oh,
you need to look past this because it's complicated. No,
explain to me why yeah that There is an update
small update from the area post. I hardly slept last

(45:01):
night and feel terrible at school, so my dad picked
me up and we went out to lunch. Then when
we got home, I finally had built up enough courage
to ask him questions about what was on my mind
and things brought up by people in my post The
conversation was surprisingly productive and honest. I mentioned in a
comment on my original post, but in my family we
never really talked about hard things or feelings. Basically, me

(45:23):
and my dad's conversation went like this. I asked my
dad about his affair partner and basically what happened there.
This was something I wanted to know but also didn't,
but still decided to ask in case she would be
moving in. My dad explained that his affair went on
for five months. He felt drained with my mother and
made a terrible decision. He said the affair was discovered
not from my mom going through his phone or something,

(45:45):
but him confessing as the more it went on, the
more terrible my dad felt. He felt like a terrible
father coming home to his kids after cheating on their mother.
As he put it, my dad says he's not going
to be talking to the woman anymore at all, and
plans on not dating or marrying anyone new until me
and my siblings are all adults. There's a little bit

(46:05):
more story here.

Speaker 5 (46:06):
I mean, anyone who cheats like that's a terrible thing
to do. Like obviously the dad is well in the
wrong for that, but that is like completely besides the
fact in this story you just don't want to stay
with your mom because she doesn't treat you well, and
that's valid.

Speaker 1 (46:21):
Tagging everything away, Yeah that, and you need to have
that explained.

Speaker 5 (46:25):
The cheating like really doesn't change much about the fact
that your mom has admitted that she doesn't care for you.

Speaker 1 (46:32):
Honestly, dude, if I'm with a partner and they openly
are like, yeah, I just don't even care about our child,
I find it very difficult to stay present and connected
in that relationship. But again, not a green light to
just go cheat. But it's like, then, just believe that

(46:53):
relationship is fundamentally over the moment you're talking about our
kid like that.

Speaker 5 (46:58):
I wonder how much the dad knew on that, because
it seems like it's very much like the mom and
the ant kind of thing.

Speaker 1 (47:03):
Yeah, who knows, We don't. Oh, he certainly doesn't. I
hope they get to know. Let's finish this story on
the brighter side. My grandparents are going to take me
and my siblings out on the weekend to do some
fun stuff to take our minds off all the chaos.
I'm looking forward to that, as I hope with my
grandparents around, I won't have to answer many questions, and

(47:25):
of course I get to see my siblings. I'm also
feeling better writing my feelings out, even if it was
for strangers on Reddit helped. I did not broach the
topic of therapy with my father like many people suggested.
But I am going to write my mom a letter
and start journaling despite what many people said. I am
going to have a conversation with my mother after I

(47:46):
give her my letter and she reads and processes it.
I don't know when that will be, but hopefully soon.
And that is the end of that story.

Speaker 5 (47:55):
Oh, I want to know what happened. That's I mean,
a lot of people seem to be doing letters, which
like if that's the best way to get your feelings
out there and process them, but kind of be able
to take that step back then yeah, that's great.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Yeah, hey John og host here, we're gonna get back
to this episode. But a quick three minute break of
ads from a sponsor's keeping the show alive.

Speaker 5 (48:19):
I refuse to take care of my sister because of
my mother's actions.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
That's a complicated family tree.

Speaker 5 (48:26):
I forty one female, am really struggling emotionally to navigate this.
My mother, seventy five, lives in my basement, which is
a two bedroom, one bath unit with a kitchen and laundry,
along with my sister forty three, female with down syndrome.
By the way, this comes from e zeemps and.

Speaker 6 (48:47):
If you want to submit your own stories, go to
the r slash Okay story time sub reddit. I'm Carly,
I'm Dakota, and we'll try to give our best advice.
But we haven't experienced most of these situations ourselves, so
if you have, let us know in the comments and
OPI says. My ex husband and I bought this home
in twenty eighteen and finished the basement to accommodate their
moving in. She had done a lot to help us

(49:10):
by providing daycare for our daughter and in general she
was a supportive presence in my life. I had always
had a positive relationship with my mother, so it seemed
like a way to pay her back for all.

Speaker 5 (49:22):
She had done for us. She put in about forty
k of what she had left in her retirement account
to add the kitchen and second bathroom to accommodate their needs.
She was not on the mortgage, but did pay rent
about a third of the cost. A few years into
living together, I discovered my now ex was having an

(49:42):
affair with.

Speaker 1 (49:43):
A co worker.

Speaker 5 (49:44):
I immediately filed for divorce. As happens, I had to refinance
to get him off the mortgage, but I was not
making enough money to carry the new loan by myself.
Not wanting us to all lose our home, I reluctantly
put my my mother on the mortgage. Flash forward a
few years and I am moving on with my life.

(50:06):
My partner moved into the home and has been here
about a year. He and my mother get along great,
but I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her changing behavior.
She became more invasive in my space, letting herself in,
inserting herself into conversations and asking multiple times daily for

(50:27):
honeydew tasks with little regard for my time, space, or feelings.
After working up the courage with my therapist, I sat
down with my journal to talk about how I was feeling.
I focused on the Ie statements, explaining how it made
me feel losing the sanctity of my space and how
anxious it made me in my new relationship to have

(50:48):
her constant presence and demands. I told her how much
I love and appreciate her, and that I could not
stand the tension anymore.

Speaker 4 (50:56):
Uh.

Speaker 5 (50:57):
I asked her to give me space to ask before entering,
and to maybe just write down a list of things
I could do weekly instead of the constant bombardment. Her
reaction was shocking. She sat emotionless and stone faced as
I sobbed and told me I was overreacting and none
of this was a big deal. After that conversation, everything changed.

(51:21):
She immediately began putting together her will, and a few
months later she sat my partner and me down to
review it. She opened the conversation by proclaiming, now, you
have always told me you would take care of your
sister after I passed away. I interjected to clarify that
not only had I never agreed to that, she had

(51:42):
never even asked. As she has no money or assets
apart from whatever part of the house could be considered hers,
she was setting up a special needs trust for my sister,
which both her life insurance and my estranged fathers would fund.
I would be getting nothing, nothing but the privilege of
managing all end of life needs for her, plus my

(52:04):
sister and everything that comes with it. For clarification, I
asked if I would at least be in charge of
the special needs trust so I could use the money
to provide care. She assured me that of course I would.
Flash forward another few months and we had the meeting
with the estate lawyer. As we reviewed the trust, the
lawyer mentioned in passing that we would discuss a few

(52:26):
things as I was listed third as trustee. My mother
frantically tried to divert the conversation before I spoke loudly
over her and asked the lawyer what he meant. Well,
he meant exactly that I was the third trustee. In
the event of my mother's passing, the trust and control
of the money would first go to my eldest aunt.

(52:48):
Upon her passing, it would pass to my second eldest aunt.
Only then would I be managing the funds all while
keeping my sister in my home and providing care for her. Yeah,
I gotta stop profess because I'm very split here because obviously,
like I would, I don't have to manage anyone that
has special needs living in my home. But like if

(53:09):
if you said that you don't want the responsibility of
doing it, then to me, it sounds like she's passing
it to her aunts, who probably agreed to deal with it.
She is living in your home, which done is like,
why aren't you just doing it? But you said you
didn't want to take care of her.

Speaker 1 (53:24):
Yeah, so anyone, anyone who's going to be taking care
of her then should be managing the money. But it
sounds like she is going to be taking care of
her sister, right, so that if if you are going
to be taking care of your sister, you should one
hundred percent be the one in charge of the funds
relegated to taking care of your sister.

Speaker 5 (53:41):
But I thought you said you didn't want to take
care of your sister.

Speaker 1 (53:44):
I think it is a situation where it was like
I don't but I guess. But if that's what's happening,
I'll do that. And then you're just being, you know,
positioned in a place where you could you would be
beholden to the ants whims. It's ridiculous and it's honestly,
it sounds more like a legal matter than anything else.

Speaker 5 (54:01):
Yeah, that just I mean, I feel like we're getting
into that anyway.

Speaker 4 (54:05):
Uh.

Speaker 5 (54:06):
I objected on the spot, saying that whoever managed the
finances should also be managing my sister and I would
not be doing it until this was changed. After a
lot of back and forth, she relented and agreed to
put me in charge of the trust. Her rationale was,
I figured it would be just one less thing for
you to worry about, since you will have so much

(54:27):
else on your plate.

Speaker 1 (54:27):
Shut up, girl, of not have to worry about reaching
out to my aunts in order to get the money
I needed to help my sister. Are you crazy? You're
making it twice as hard.

Speaker 5 (54:39):
Uh what how could that possibly make anything easier? I
would have had to get approval from my aunts to
get the money I needed to provide care. And then yesterday,
as I worked remotely, she tiptoed into my office and
set the new paperwork on my desk without a word.
When I reviewed it, I realized she'd added a paragraph

(55:00):
specifying that if my sister were to pass away, the
trust would dissolve and any residual funds or property in
the name of the trust would fall to my eldest aunt.
I was floored. Her explanation was that it was just
a mistake. She claimed we did not even need to
change it, insisting that my aunt would just give me

(55:23):
all the money or what she said. The mistake happened
because when they updated it to make me trustee, they
neglected to update the part about where the money goes
at the end. Even if that were true, the original
document still meant the money would bypass me and go
straight to my aunt. From a logical perspective, her decisions

(55:44):
are wildly irrational. From an emotional perspective, it hurts even more.
Why after taking care of her handicapped daughter, would my
thank you be to hand everything over to my aunt.
I am devastated at every step she has made it
clear she does not want me to have anything at
the end except the stress and burden of caregiving. Yeah,

(56:07):
the mom is being stupid with.

Speaker 1 (56:08):
This will Yeah she's she's pulling some funky moves.

Speaker 5 (56:11):
She she'd be on funky with it. But uh OPI
you gotta just tell her you don't want to take
care of your sister, because you really sound like you
do not want to take care of your sister.

Speaker 1 (56:22):
I mean, would the aunts even be willing to right
then do it? I don't think so, That's what I'm saying.
I don't think they were ever involved. I don't think
I think she sat down and said as you've said before,
you will be taking care of your sister once I'm gone,
and OPI's like, I've literally never said that ever in
my life.

Speaker 5 (56:41):
My thing is like, so the sister is living in
the basement with the mom, so she kind of has
her own space already. I wonder if there's like a
level of independence that the sister would have without the
mom there, or like could maintain And if like the
sister really doesn't want to, could they use that money
to like bring someone to live there with her kind
of thing?

Speaker 7 (57:01):
Yeah, I mean, if there's enough money in the trust
to pay for care, like, if that's what they need.
I don't know that be like a way around everything,
just like I'm not even like the money's just going
straight to an aid like, but then it's still like
you have your sister and like another person just like
living in your basement.

Speaker 5 (57:17):
Yeah, the sister and the mom right now, and the
mom's acting like a stranger at this point.

Speaker 1 (57:21):
She's just a really really hard situation.

Speaker 5 (57:23):
Oh yeah, and then there is what she has done
to my sister. Okay, uh, she has down syndrome. And
for those who know it's not a passing away sentence.
My sister could have been so much more than what
my mother forced her to become. Instead, she is obese, unhealthy,
socially and emotionally stunted, and a shut in. She does

(57:46):
nothing for herself anymore. Though she was once capable, she
is angry, reclusive, and altogether miserable. And soon she will
be my responsibility. So here I am riddled with guilt, anxiety,
and grief over the path ahead. Do I keep taking
it on the chin for my mom? Do I take
on the burden of caregiving, knowing I cannot trust that

(58:09):
I will have the financial support to complete the task.
In my heart, I know too much has happened for
me to ever continue like this. But telling her I
am resigning my responsibilities to my sister will trigger a
chain reaction. It may lead to me losing my home
as she will take every penny she can, and to

(58:29):
never again having a relationship with her or my sister,
the only family I really have. But that also seems
like the only way I might ever hope for peace
in my life. What should I do? What would you do?
Internet strangers? We have an update, but do you know
you got any other suggestions?

Speaker 1 (58:53):
Well? I would cry? Yeah, that's a lot, that's so much.
I don't know. I don't know what I would do.
This is one of those stories.

Speaker 5 (59:01):
Where it's situation that's just oh my god, I should
feel bad.

Speaker 1 (59:05):
I would try to. I would try to get you know,
whatever that money is in the trust to take care
of my sister. I would use that money to have
her taken care of him some way. But it's like,
I gotta have my own peace.

Speaker 5 (59:16):
I gotta Yeah, we have an update update. I finally
took the advice of so many and connected with a
real estate attorney. I learned that a fair and equitable
division of property would likely be the court's outcome, meaning
my mother would not be entitled to the fifty percent
of a house she did not purchase. This reassured me greatly.

(59:39):
I also spoke with a broker who explained the process
and what I would need to pay her out legally
and ethically. This gave me confidence in my position and
reassured me that this decision would not financially ruin me.
This made me reflect on my future. If another child
was on the horizon, could I really consider taking on
my I disabled sisters full time care? Something shifted in

(01:00:03):
me I felt sure of the choice I was making. Tonight,
I finally sat down with my mother and, through tears
and regret, told her I could not do it. I
cannot take care of my sister, at least not in
the way she imagined. Consistent with her. Her effect was flat,
but she did let me speak this time. I told
her everything, how much this has hurt me, and that

(01:00:25):
while I was sorry, I knew it was the right choice.

Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
I don't know. I think you're fully right in whatever
you've decided to do. It's you know.

Speaker 5 (01:00:35):
I hope that the comments offered real life like I
hope people that have gone through this had.

Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
Offered you yeah, good advice. It sounds like they did, yeah,
legal advice, real rock in a hard place equation.

Speaker 5 (01:00:47):
It was long and emotional, but I am walking away
feeling like an elephant lifted its foot from my chest.
We talked about what is next. They may move closer
to her family, Maybe we will refine it. Chants to
get her off the mortgage and add my partner. Maybe
we will sell. Sometimes I feel this house is cursed anyway,

(01:01:08):
whatever happens, I told her, my biggest hope is to
regain the relationship. We once had. Maybe my mom is
now a pod.

Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Person, a pod person someone grown in a.

Speaker 4 (01:01:20):
Pod Okay, I don't who knows, not me. The conversation
went better than I expected. For the first time in
a year, I feel peace and hope for my future.
It was the wake up call I needed to take
back control of my life. And that's the end of
that story.

Speaker 1 (01:01:36):
I'm glad you woke up and took some control.

Speaker 5 (01:01:39):
That was wild story.

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