My cousin REVEALED my diagnosis to my grandfather… now everything’s in chaos! -r/BORUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP2365 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, this is Jonas is Sam your og Okay Storytime
podcast hosts.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
We have some great stories coming up.

Speaker 3 (00:05):
But before that, we have a quick two minute break
from the sponsors that keep the show alive.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
My cousin revealed my diagnosis to my grandfather. Now everything's
in chaos.

Speaker 1 (00:14):
It is your diagnosis that you're a chaos wizard.

Speaker 2 (00:17):
A year ago, I twenty five mail was diagnosed with
limb onset als after a long struggle with experiencing foot
drop and muscle weakness for a few months, I hid
my diagnosis from everyone until progression of the disease forced
me to come clean. By the way, this comes from
a live specialist eight two eight seven, And if you
want to submit your own stories, go to the r
slash Okay Storytime supured it. I'm Sophia, I'm Dakota, and

(00:40):
I'm Keon and that's Carly and we're here to give
good advice goofily, But we don't have all the answers.
We only know what we'd do, So let us know
what you would do in the comments. To be honest,
I'm still coming to terms with this and each day
has been a living heck. As I wake up not
knowing what motor skills I'll lose next. I have always
been fiercely independent and the detector of the people I love,

(01:01):
so it unalives me knowing that everyone who loves me,
my girlfriend especially, now has to bear the burden of
my illness. The one person I haven't told is my grandpa,
who raised me and my brother until we were teens
because my parents were at work at the time. He
is the one who cared for me the most, who
has literally watched me grow up. I have always promised
to take care of and given the best of everything

(01:22):
because he sacrificed to give me as much of a
happy childhood as he could. Ever, since I was diagnosed,
the thought of having to tell my grandpa that his
grandson has an incurable degenerative disease has plagued me, and
I don't think I can gather up the courage to
tell him or to face the fact that I can't
fulfill my promise. He's nearing seventy and I want him
to live as happily as possible without worrying about me.

(01:45):
The other day we meant for a family dinner. I
don't see my grandpa very often now, so before the dinner.
I was adamant that my grandpa would not find out.
My brother and girlfriend agreed to cover for me using
a wheelchair by saying I've been injured playing soccer. Grandpa
accepted the excuse, and all seemed to be well until
my cousin, who wasn't aware my grandpa didn't know, brought
it up as I expected. He was devastated and couldn't

(02:07):
stop asking me why I didn't tell him. Later that night,
the sudden emotional shock likely triggered his heart condition. He
has a history of heart attacks. My Grandpa is now
in the hospital and I haven't been able to stop crying.

Speaker 1 (02:19):
Oh man.

Speaker 2 (02:20):
My brother is furious at my cousin for revealing my diagnosis,
and even more so for not being apologetics since she's
insisting that it's my fault because I should have just
been honest with Grandpa. She called me a manipulative and
a liar and said that it wasn't my place to
decide whether Grandpa could handle it or not.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
See, the thing is, though, it literally is because it's
your diagnosis, So your.

Speaker 1 (02:40):
Cousin is way out of the yeah, way out of
pocket here.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
Absolutely, it's not entirely her fault, it was an accident.
It is not okay that she's responding like this. She
could be a lot more apologetic.

Speaker 3 (02:52):
Yeah, but yeah, he's in the hospital now because of
a part condition, so it makes sense she's probably being defensive.

Speaker 1 (02:56):
Yes, there's a lot going on here. It's hard. It's
hard breaking tear news like that.

Speaker 2 (03:00):
Absolutely, the guilt is eating me alive. But at the
same time, the aftermath just tells me that I was
right to hide it because the news absolutely crushed my grandpa.
I don't know what to do anymore except to pray
that my grandpa makes it through. Am I the A hole?
And there are some comments, but of course you're not
the A hole.

Speaker 1 (03:17):
No.

Speaker 3 (03:17):
Eight, there's not really any a holes here. It's it's
just it was a misunderstanding. I mean, yeah, your cousin's
not acting right. But it's like it's extreme situation.

Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah, I mean, you're going through such a like. I mean,
I don't even know how I would react in that situation.
So I don't think it's fair for anyone to tell
you what you're supposed to do and what the right
answer is, because I don't think there is one. But
I yeah, I think that all my advice for you
is is spend the time that you have left with
your grandpa where you have, you know, not saying that
you you know, we don't know how it's going to end,

(03:47):
but it is. Again, you lose a lot comment one
not the A hole, Oh love, I'm so sorry. That's
such a heavy diagnosis. You're not an a hole. But
at sixty nine, your grandpa could live for another twenty years.
You weren't going to be able to hide it forever,
and he's a grown man. He doesn't need protecting from reality.
He'll be devastated for sure. Who wouldn't be his precious

(04:08):
grandson facing such a hard prognosis. His heart will break,
But that's part of life. And the earlier you know
about something horrendous, the sooner you can start to process it.
You know your cousin didn't realize you adn't told them.
She's not an a hole for bringing it up. It's
a big thing and your loved ones are going to
want to talk about it. It's awful that your grandpa's
in the hospital, but that's the best place for him

(04:28):
to be, and I'm sure they're doing all they can
for him. And it is not your fault or your
cousin's fault. It's natural to want to grasp on to
blame when bad things happen, but it doesn't really help
give yourself and your cousin some grace. You've both had
a very human reactions to a crap situation. Someone replies,
maybe the cousin wasn't the a hole for bringing it
up because they didn't know, but their reaction afterwards turned

(04:51):
them into one. Calling a terminally ill person a manipulative
liar for wanting to tell people on their own time,
isn't crappy behavior? Reply, I mean, Opie asked his brother
and girlfriend to help him lie to his grandpa, I'd
say that's pretty manipulative. In the cousins situation, I'd feel
horribly guilty for triggering Grandpa's medical episode, but also feel
incredibly angry at Ope for making this something that I'd

(05:14):
done wrong. How was the cousin meant to know that
Grandpa was being kept in the dark and then feel
guilty again about being angry at my terminally ill cousin?
And then I expect I'd end up doubling down, because seriously,
what was Opie thinking that he just lied? To Grandpa
until one of them passed away. Ope, I'm so sorry
you're going through this. Do you have a therapist you've
been talking to about your diagnosis? And OP says, I

(05:36):
don't have a therapist, and quite honestly, I haven't thought
about it, but perhaps I might look into it. It's
just that care for als is so dang expensive, and
the costs are just going to increase from there, especially
as it progresses. And there is an edit. Thank you
all for your responses, and especially to those who express
things from my grandpa's perspective. Not sure how much this changes,

(05:58):
but my cousin's husband saw this post and now cousin
is livid. My brother just got off a call with
her and apparently he did actually tell her not to
say anything and let me take the lead, just that
she highly disagreed, so I guess this was her way
of voicing her disagreement. Well, now she's aale.

Speaker 1 (06:15):
Now she's a huge a hole.

Speaker 2 (06:16):
Actually, yeah, I'm sorry, because I was wondering why the
brother was so mad at her if she didn't know
that she wasn't supposed to tell her. But now it's
makes sense that he was mad at her because she
wasn't she knew that she wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
I didn't know about this part, so I assume benefit
of the doubt that she didn't know. Again, Appreciate everyone,
and we'll hopefully be visiting my grandpa as soon as

(06:38):
we get more news about his condition. Consensus, no a
hole here, though there are some upfoded You're the a
hole and everyone sucks comments, mainly because I told everybody
but my grandpa, and it was clear I couldn't keep
the secret forever, so I should have told my grandpa
early instead of waiting until I couldn't hide it anymore.
And there is an update. I think it's really unfair
to label OP an a hole for this.

Speaker 3 (06:59):
Yeah, you're an a hole for being a human being
complicated emotions.

Speaker 2 (07:03):
Yeah, dealing with one of the hardest diagnosis. But there
is an update eighteen days later. Appreciate everyone who commented,
both support and honest criticism. Been making the most of
whatever time I have left since then. Some of you
were sharp and picked up that my LS is fast progressing,
which is very accurate considering how recently it's felt like
jumping off one cliff after another, which I'm pretty shocked by.

(07:24):
In a way, I do thank my cousin for spilling
my secret because I didn't expect how little time I
had before I couldn't tide it. My Grandpa did pull through,
recovered and handled things like a champ. He's not in
perfect health and obviously neither am I, but we make
it work for everyone's suggestions. I visited him asap and
we had a long talk. I showed him my post
as well, with lots of tears and emotional moments. I

(07:46):
apologized for hiding my condition and promised to be transparent
from now on. Although I got nagged and lovingly lectured at,
I do think I felt relieved to get that emotional
weight over with. Grandpa said a lot, and I can't
include everything, but the main two things were he already
sends something was off, though he wasn't sure what exactly
and definitely did not expect als. He needs no protection

(08:08):
from reality and wants to support in any way he can.
He'll be moving in with me and my brother, and
we're looking at hiring caregivers so my brother's not overwhelmed.
I've begun voice banking due to speech changes, mostly horseness
and a slight slur, basically like a wasted Mickey mouse.
While the people closest to me can still somewhat understand
what I say. Grandpa tops everyone else and is proudly

(08:30):
serving as resident translator. Honestly a pleasant surprise how well
he gets my speech. But I'm so grateful he's gifted
me these precious moments. Amidst the frustration, I've since gone
low contact with my cousin for a variety of reasons,
namely constantly disrespecting my wishes, the major one being that
she came into my house knowingly with a cold, even

(08:50):
while we had already warned people not to visit if
they were sick in any form als. Screws with my
immune system, and at this stage it's very easy for
my respiratory system to be compromised, even with minor illnesses,
minimal breathing issues so far.

Speaker 3 (09:04):
Though, you know, maybe looking at like some support systems online,
some forums, some communities, if you can get some level
of like, you know, just help with coping with it.

Speaker 1 (09:12):
And I'm sorry, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Speaker 2 (09:14):
It's terrible, impossible situation to deal with, but I'm glad
that you have people around you, who are you?

Speaker 3 (09:19):
Know?

Speaker 2 (09:20):
There for you and love you and care a lot
about you. I've learned a lot about myself and life
in general through this disease, and given the aggressive progression,
I am now mentally preparing to make some hard decisions.
When I first learned about my diagnosis, I rejected trichotomy,
invasive ventilation and a feeding to but recently I've begun
to reconsider. I think the worst feeling is just being

(09:41):
terrified of both living and passing away, trying to stay
in a good place mentally and emotionally, and always grateful
to have people I love and who love me by
my side. I know this update isn't all sunshine, but
I hope it gives some closure. Thanks everyone. That is
the end of that story. But uh, anyone who's ever
gone through was a loved one who is either passed

(10:02):
or is going through, als some hearts in the chat
for you, because that's a terrible, terrible thing to go through.

Speaker 3 (10:08):
I revealed to my father's wife the truth about our estrangement,
and it changed everything.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
What was the truth?

Speaker 3 (10:15):
My dad practically gave me up to his sister from
the moment I twenty seven, Mail was born. My mom
passed away when she was giving birth to me, and
my aunt told me he never recovered from that. It
hurt a lot as a kid that at family events
he would ignore my existence. By the way, this comes
from user told his wife. And if you want to
submit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay
storytime subret it.

Speaker 1 (10:36):
I'm Dakota, I'm Sophia, and I'm Keon, and we're here
to give you good advice.

Speaker 2 (10:39):
Goofully.

Speaker 3 (10:40):
But we don't have all the answers. We only know
what we would do. So if you would do something different,
let us know in the comments. You can imagine the
amount of therapy that put me in. But the crappy
part was that I never stopped trying to be accepted
by him. After my high school graduation, he told me
he has no obligation to me anymore since he was
sending my aunt money to take care of me around
that times, and I finally started accepting that reality.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
So from there we.

Speaker 3 (11:04):
Moved on with our lives. My aunt doesn't talk to
me about him. Sometimes my grandparents do, and that's how
I found out he got married. They were mad he
didn't invite me to their wedding, but to me, it
didn't matter because we're not close. It was his wife
who wanted to meet me. It's the first time ever
that he wants to make contact, and it was to
pretty much say she wants me in their life. She

(11:24):
doesn't know the real reason about why we're estranged.

Speaker 1 (11:27):
He asked me to please not say anything, and maybe
this could be a way to reconcile.

Speaker 2 (11:31):
After all, nobody I'm telling her everything.

Speaker 3 (11:35):
I think it's time for your wife to find out
who you really are.

Speaker 2 (11:38):
No, there are two options herep You either ignore him
and don't even talk to him, continue that no contact,
or you tell her everything.

Speaker 3 (11:46):
But he was only doing it for her, That much
was clear when we talked. I never said I would be,
but she still insisted on us meeting at their place
because she really wanted to meet me. All she thinks
is that we were estranged for not getting along in
my teenage years, going to college and losing touch because.

Speaker 1 (12:03):
Of life stuff.

Speaker 3 (12:04):
It pisses me off that he played it off as
us just not talking for petty reasons. Meanwhile, the actual
reason damaged me for years. I told her the truth
everything he said to me, that he was never apparent
to me that was all my aunt. It was definitely
a shock for her. The outcome was a disaster. Everyone
has heard about this now. My grandma's in particular told

(12:24):
me she understands my anger. But this was his chance
finding someone since losing my mom, and now it's been
put in jeopardy.

Speaker 1 (12:30):
My dad is devastated.

Speaker 3 (12:31):
They think it was going too far to ruin his
marriage that way, when he was willing to include me
in their lives, which could have been the start of
our relationship.

Speaker 2 (12:39):
I'm sorry willing to like, oh, I'm deigning to include
you in my life. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
Yeah, this was all just selfish for him.

Speaker 3 (12:47):
He was like, all right, I have to do damage
control because my wife is asking questions about you now,
so I need you to play it cool.

Speaker 1 (12:53):
It's like, who, no.

Speaker 2 (12:54):
Literally, I uses some sort of thing. Yeah, he thinks
this is like a good deal for a piece, Like yeah,
I get I get my wife thinking I'm a good
person out of this, and you get a like, I
don't know, hang out with me. You're welcome.

Speaker 3 (13:05):
It's like you think, after all the work I've done
to get over this and become okay with the fact
that you don't care about me at all. Yeah, you
want me now you want to try? No, dude, here's
a healthy serving of your consequences. They say, not only
did I ruin that, but also possibly wrecked his marriage.
She just doesn't agree at all with what he did,

(13:25):
and it could have been avoided if I didn't say anything.
For me, it was hard not to tell the truth
after the lies made it seem like it was nothing serious,
and also that it was like mostly your fault.

Speaker 2 (13:36):
Yeah, yeah, like and it's like, oh, he's just being
Oh he was just being a teenager.

Speaker 1 (13:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (13:40):
I couldn't ignore what happened after what it did to me.
I don't know if it was the right call, since
it put their whole marriage at risk. But what do
you guys think? You've got some comments here? Outrageous Yogurt
eighty says, not the ale. He has the right to
know the true man she married. Also, I'm so sorry
you had to endure all that. Your aunt sounds like
an incredible person, and despite everything, I hope you are
doing as well as you can be under the circumstances.

(14:02):
OPI replies, it took a long time, but I'm proud
to say I am doing well. This whole thing reopened
some stuff, but I'll be talking it out in therapy,
and it's thanks to my aunt that I always had
mental and emotional support. Nikki Fox thirteen replies, I'm so
happy that you're in therapy. It's life changing. Your aunt
sounds lovely and like a genuinely wonderful person.

Speaker 1 (14:23):
OHP says she is.

Speaker 3 (14:24):
If it weren't for her, my life for sure would
have fallen apart. My life is stable. I have a
girlfriend I love and a baby boy on the way.
My aunt is the reason for that. Aggravating Patient eighteen says,
no matter how busy life can get, you don't forget
to invite your son to your wedding. This woman should
have insisted on meeting you before she got married. Dear dad,
estranged children are always red flag. OHPI says, I don't

(14:45):
know how he managed to pull that one off. Shoot.
By the time me and my girlfriend had gotten serious,
I'd already met her whole family. Every distant cousin reply says,
very dodgy move by your dad. He must have painted
you in a bad light. So I bet she was
expecting someone very different when she final met you, not
the articulate and mature family man, you are for sure.
Please keep us updated. I'm curious if their relationship survives this.

(15:06):
She sounds like a woman who just couldn't ignore your existence.
So if she stays, then expects she will lead a
charge for a genuine apology from your dad, not the
ahle Opie says, I'm not sure about that.

Speaker 1 (15:17):
Otherwise, why want me in their lives?

Speaker 2 (15:19):
Right?

Speaker 3 (15:20):
Or maybe she thought with some mediation it would be different.
She was super nice to me though. Update eleven days later.

Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, I think. I think if she was really nice
to you, and also is the person who was pushing
for this meeting, then she probably will either demand that
he like apologizes and actually puts effort in, or will leave.
I can't imagine that she would just be like chill
with this.

Speaker 3 (15:40):
Words can't express how much it meant to me getting
so much love from my last post, everyone who supported
not just my actions but also acknowledged the hurt to
all the sweet internet moms who commented in dm me.
Y'all know how to make someone feel loved, even by
total strangers.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
Since so many people wanted an update here it is.

Speaker 3 (15:57):
It's a little heavy and for a couple of days.
I needed some time to process it and do some crying.
They're splitting up. I heard it first from my grandma
and then from his wife or I guess ex wife.
She was legit crying on the phone when she called
to tell me sorry for putting me in that position.
Her and my dad had a longer conversation where he
told her everything else he did, so she made that
decision that she can't stay with someone like him, and

(16:17):
she wanted me to.

Speaker 1 (16:18):
Know how disgusted she is. Also to tell me thanks,
which is something I really needed to hear. My dad
is who he is.

Speaker 3 (16:24):
Yeah, But regardless, two people splitting their marriage because of
what you said is a hard thing not to.

Speaker 1 (16:29):
Feel guilty about.

Speaker 3 (16:30):
This lady is heartbroken going through divorce just a few
months after getting married. She wanted to make the time
to reassure someone else that they made the right choice. Unexpectedly, though,
my dad wanted us to talk yesterday too, my girlfriend
again didn't want me to trust me. I get her point.
She's the one who didn't want me having dinner with
them in the first place. For one thing, we didn't
know what he wanted to talk about, and what that

(16:50):
would do to my mental health.

Speaker 1 (16:52):
It was probably a bad risk.

Speaker 3 (16:53):
To take, but I met with him, and yeah, I
should listen to my girlfriend more when it comes to
this stuff.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
First time in my life.

Speaker 3 (16:59):
I think we had a conversation about my mom, how
much he loved her, and then being happy and excited
about having a family, but then her passing away. And
he told me, even if it's wrong, he can't ever
not blame me because simply if I hadn't been born.

Speaker 1 (17:12):
She'd still be here.

Speaker 3 (17:13):
Wow, why don't we just blame the first fish that
crawled out of the ocean.

Speaker 1 (17:17):
Wow, It's like that makes no sense that.

Speaker 2 (17:19):
I mean just still like, how old is Opie?

Speaker 1 (17:21):
I don't think we had do we have an age
twenty seven?

Speaker 2 (17:24):
I think yeah, like mid late twenties.

Speaker 1 (17:27):
I think Opie's like, yeah, in the late twenties.

Speaker 4 (17:29):
Now, OPI is twenty seven year.

Speaker 2 (17:32):
To go twenty seven years and still have this like
thought that, oh, my baby, my child being born is
the reason I don't have my wife, like that you still.

Speaker 3 (17:45):
Think that way at least, maybe blame it on the
healthcare system because.

Speaker 2 (17:50):
Or just where you're at, Like, yeah, there are so
many different reasons that are completely, you know, some out
of your control entirely, and it does nothing to do
with the baby, because you guys made that, like you
as parents had made that choice to have a baby,
presumably unless it was like an accent or something. But
it seems like you guys probably made that choice to

(18:12):
have a baby. Baby didn't have a choice in being born.

Speaker 3 (18:14):
Yeah, let's go back down the line. Wouldn't it be
your fault for impregnating your partner.

Speaker 2 (18:18):
If we're gonna blame people, it's not blame the innocent baby.

Speaker 3 (18:22):
He's only sorry for not completely staying away from me
and saying horrible thing is growing up. While he wasn't
saying this to be malicious since he seems so sincere,
it was still an ouch for me. In the end,
we decided having a relationship with each other was never
gonna happen and said goodbye. He at least apologized for
trying to put me in that position. First good thing
he ever did was tell me what happened with his

(18:43):
wife wasn't my fault, and I just went home, had
my data process, short therapy session and support from both
my aunt and girlfriend to get me through. The rest
of My family is leaving me alone at least so
glad that in the end it was resolved. Not a
total happy ending, I know, but in the end it's
better this way. We have some more comments. Sinful Lop
said his late wife would be ashamed of him, and
user Copper Phoenix says, I thought the same thing. If

(19:06):
his late wife had known this about him, she would
have rejected him out right long before Op came into
the picture.

Speaker 1 (19:11):
He threw away the only piece.

Speaker 3 (19:13):
Of his late wife he had left. What a pathetic man.
And that is the end of that story. Mother of Goodness.

Speaker 2 (19:21):
Yeah, bad dad, very bad dad. But it seems like
you have a great support system. People are very aware
that you're not in the wrong. So that's all you need.
Don't worry about your daddy sucks.

Speaker 1 (19:30):
He going to therapy. You got a good uh, good
old girlfriend.

Speaker 3 (19:34):
Turn in your wife and yeah you're already getting the baby,
having the baby.

Speaker 2 (19:38):
Let's get that. Let's say, Mike Decker, your wife. That's
the story.

Speaker 3 (19:41):
Yeah that, Uh, if we were gonna throw anyone into
the sun, that man throw him.

Speaker 1 (19:46):
If the sun is just a therapy session.

Speaker 2 (19:49):
It's like a I don't know, ball of therapy.

Speaker 1 (19:51):
This guy should go to Yeah It's insane.

Speaker 2 (19:56):
I caught a suspicious message on my father's phone, so
I exposed him, ixpose him. I am a twenty year
old guy with no real social life. My only social
exposure is online with friends I've made in video games
and my immediate family. I like going out to dinner
with my grandmother and dad stepdad, but he's been my
father figure for years. We went to a local restaurant

(20:18):
and while we were eating and chatting about current political events,
I glanced over and caught my dad getting a text
message from someone I'll call Abby. By the way, this
comes from fear Mangelly, and if you want to smit
your own stories, go to the r slash Okay, story time,
separate it.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
I'm Sophia, I'm Dakota, and I'm Carly.

Speaker 2 (20:34):
What you're going to confuse the listeners, Kean, that's cu're
gonna know.

Speaker 1 (20:38):
That's not Carly.

Speaker 2 (20:40):
I'm Carle, and we're here to give good advice. Goofily,
But we don't have all the answers. We only know
what we'd do, So let us know what you would
do in the comments. I didn't get the full context,
but it was on snapchat. Her message to him said
something like I love you so much, thank you. It's
something about someone named Dan. I didn't get a fully
see it, honestly, but I know my dad and I

(21:01):
know what is and isn't okay with my parents. I
really wanted to ask about it, but wasn't sure if
it was okay because it felt invasive. However, I felt
burdened with the knowledge and didn't think it was okay
to ignore. Later, we dropped my grandma off and we
were walking to our respective cars. I stopped him and asked, Hey,
I'm sorry this will be awkward, but who's Abby? And

(21:21):
he said, what.

Speaker 3 (21:22):
Do you mean?

Speaker 1 (21:24):
He hid him with the justin Bieber said, what do
you mean?

Speaker 2 (21:26):
I told him I saw a woman message him. Now,
I can't really convey this clearly, but I know my dad.
In other scenarios, he would immediately tell me what's going on.
He was playing dumb, and it kind of solidified my
beliefs and fears. It almost felt like he was confessing
but playing. But can you make me say it? So
I told him I saw another woman say I love you.
He took a second to think and said, I'll tell

(21:48):
you later when we start driving. So I said, okay,
that was progress and acknowledgment. I got in my car,
he got in his, and I started driving. After like
five minutes, I decided to call him. Once he picked
up and said hi, like it was the first time
we spoke that day. I was expecting him to kind
of know where to start the conversation, but it was
a hello, like it was some surprise. I asked him, Hey,

(22:11):
I need to know what the text was about. He said, oh,
what text? And I was getting anxious and told him
the one about Abby. He sighed and said, Abby's an
xt of mine, and she started talking to me one
day about how her husband divorced her. She was confiding
in me about the divorce. I asked his mom know
about this, and he said hesitantly no, He literally did

(22:34):
that pause. Well, I told him that's something I think
mom would want to know, because that's not normal. You're married, dude.
He just said I know and did a nervous giggle.
At this time, I felt dissatisfied because my dad is
my hero. I really look up to him. He's always
been a get the job done kind of person, silent

(22:55):
and observant. This just felt wrong, so I pushed him, saying,
I feel like this may be overstepping, but as much
as this is your wife, she's my mom. It would
make me feel much better if you told her this
person was chatting with you, because I'm sure over two
decades isn't worth the sneaking around about this. Like if
you just told her, hey, my ex messaged me, what
do you make of this? She would understand. But knowing

(23:17):
you're talking to another woman you once had a romance
with and keeping it from her would hurt a lot.
He said, I know, I will. I felt happy with that,
so I left it at that. I later got home,
but my mom asked my dad to go out and
pick up my sister, who had been out somewhere. I
called my mom and decided to put up a safety measure.
I told her, Hey, Mom, this is going to sound

(23:38):
scary in an anxious way, but do not panic. I
need you to listen to me, please. She said, Okay,
what's up. I encountered something today and I told Dad
to tell you. It's not something you should lose sleepover.
Just know I expect Dad to tell you something when
he's home. Let's give it until Saturday. Just let me know.
If he says anything or not, trust me. If he
tells you, you'll know, don't tell him. I call you.

(24:00):
She said, okay. I told her I love her and
to sleep well. The dinner was at seven pm. I
saw the text halfway through and we left at eight pm.
Then we dropped Grandma off around eight forty five pm,
and that's when I confronted my dad. I got home
around nine pm and called my mom pretty much as
soon as I got in the door. So I was
sitting and waiting and ten pm hits. I text my
mom if he said anything, and she says no. My

(24:22):
dad goes to bed at ten pm for work. I
kind of cracked because next thing I knew, I was
putting on my jacket. I texted Mom, don't go to bed.
I'm coming over. I know. I said to her, let's
wait until Saturday, but I felt compelled to confront the situation.
To me, him not saying anything was cowardly, not what
my dad would have done. This was evasion, and I

(24:42):
just drove over. I parked on the street by their
house and used my key to let myself in. We
have keys to each other's houses because I live alone,
and if I needed help or anything, I could go
there or they could check on me. My mom was
expecting me and sitting in the living room two story house,
dad and sister upstairs. I asked my mom where Dad
was and she said he's in bed. I said I
need him to come downstairs and that there needs to

(25:04):
be a talk. My mom, who I told not to worry,
clearly was shocked because I'm acting shook as heck and
not like someone who thinks this is normal and nothing
to get scared about. Calls him down and he says,
what's up. I look at him and say, listen, this
is my mom. You need to tell her. And this
guy has the nerve to say tell her what in
an irritated voice. I won't lie. I got really scared,

(25:26):
as I don't think I've ever stood up to my dad.
There wasn't a reason to, but it's like standing up
to an animal. But I thought to myself that I
won't be pushing away from this because it was eating
me up. So I stood on business and said, you
need to tell my mom about the text I saw
on your phone at dinner, and my mom snapped her
head towards my dad. My dad was on a couch
and my mom on a recliner where they were facing
each other, but the recliner is in the corner of

(25:47):
the room, so she was pivoted a little towards me
and him. I was standing up. I think my dad
kind of buckled under the pressure and started off with
about three months ago, Abby started messaging me. While talking,
my mom looked over at me and with a concerned expression,
and the softest voice said it's okay, you can go home.
I'll handle this. And I started getting all emotional because

(26:08):
that felt like I know about this. I don't want
you to be there for this. So I look back
at my dad, who's still talking and looking at the ground,
and I start feeling the weirdest blend of sad and angry.
I just left, drove home, and here we are. I'm
not sure it was the right call. I didn't see
him say anything bad back to her. I feel like
I reacted to things I shouldn't have because it wasn't

(26:28):
my place. I made deals with both my parents to
do things, Dad to tell her with his words, Mom
to wait for something to happen by Saturday. I think
I rushed this. I don't actually know what's going on.
I'm scared because I think letting it happen naturally was
the more mature thing to do. I mean, you know,
maybe you didn't have the best that night. However, I
don't think that your dad was gotta tell her.

Speaker 3 (26:49):
It's never a child's responsibility to intervene in their parents' marriage. Now,
but you saw something that is not fair for you
to have seen, and I, yeah, I don't think it
was handled.

Speaker 2 (26:58):
How old is op twenty nine?

Speaker 1 (27:00):
Twenty nine? Yeah, I think it's just a rock and
a hard place for you.

Speaker 2 (27:04):
But I think ultimately your mom absolutely deserves to know,
and I don't think your dad was gonna tell.

Speaker 1 (27:08):
Her and she can handle it.

Speaker 2 (27:09):
So after I left their house, my mom told me
that night around two am, that they had been talking
about it and that she had come to a conclusion.
Once in the morning, she wanted to talk to me.
She said, thank you for standing up for me, that
it meant an incredible amount to her. Me and her
haven't had the best relationship, honestly, and I guess it
was surprising I would have sided with her on something

(27:30):
against my dad, But regardless, she was incredibly thankful to
know I would be there for her like that. Unfortunately,
my sister happened to overhear what happened, and that really sucks.
We're going to hang out and watch shows later. For
what went down, my father had been messaged by his
ex who had gone through divorce and confided in him
about it. At first, it was nothing out of the ordinary,
but she started getting clingy and would say flirtatious things,

(27:52):
and it was incredibly suggestive alongside risky pictures. Yeah, that's okay.

Speaker 3 (27:59):
That's an immediate block, buddy, media block, do an immediate block.

Speaker 1 (28:03):
You know what you're too.

Speaker 2 (28:05):
Yeah, this behavior had started in July. My dad admitted
to being receptive and reciprocal. Unfortunately, though he swears he
never performed in person, suggesting an emotional only affair. Still
an a fair ex wife. I think both are wrong.
But this is exactly what a lot of people were saying.

(28:25):
It wasn't my business. I became too involved. Again, you
know whether or not that's the truth. Your dad was
cheating on your mom and was not going to tell her, so.

Speaker 1 (28:33):
It became your business as soon as you saw that.

Speaker 2 (28:35):
Exactly. I'm not saying you totally have a right to
tell your mom. And she deserved.

Speaker 3 (28:39):
No, it's it's not that like you shouldn't have done anything.
When I say that, it's not your place to be
a mediator. It's just like, this is in a fair.

Speaker 1 (28:45):
Situation for you to exactly Yes, yeah, I agree. Did
you handle it the best? No?

Speaker 3 (28:49):
Would anyone really handle it the best? I mean, like
probably not, Like it's a hard place.

Speaker 2 (28:54):
To be at the end of the day, Mom deserved
to know. Dad wasn't going to tell her, so you
stepped in. I will take that to heart because I'm
a bit off. I'm autistic, like a few had suggested,
but that is not an excuse. It was not my
place to take control of the situation moving forward. My
mom found some comfort in knowing that he said the
timelines match up, as we all have very busy lifestyles.
Without too much personal detail, just understand a physical affair

(29:16):
is far out of the question. But there is a
little bit left to this story. Any final thoughts.

Speaker 3 (29:22):
I think moving forward, you're gonna have to try to
be as neutral as possible and let them work it
out in whatever way they do.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Yeah, you know, it's their their.

Speaker 3 (29:28):
Marriage that now they're going to have to reckon with
what happened, and like I said, you know you saw.

Speaker 2 (29:33):
That message all the information. There was an admittance of
meeting once, but it wasn't planned and it was too
brief to have really had anything happen. Basically, they saw
each other at the store once and they caught up,
but my sister had been there. My mom wants to
talk about therapy because one of the topics that came
up was how he felt he wasn't needed and it
felt nice to have someone rely on him. I guess

(29:53):
that's about it. I'm sure he's going to talk to me,
and I definitely don't want to lose him. I can
move forward with someone who wants to move forward alongside me,
and that's the end of that story.

Speaker 1 (30:03):
Well, yeah, if your dad blames this on you, then
he's an eightiesy male.

Speaker 2 (30:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (30:07):
Hey, y'all, it's John og Host here. We're gonna get
back to the stories. But here's a quick three minute
break from as for more sponsors.

Speaker 2 (30:13):
My wife was caught holding hands with another man. Now
I'm being gas lit about it.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
Yep, No, that's instant divorce.

Speaker 2 (30:21):
My wife, thirty six female, and I, forty male, have
been together five years and got married last year. We
definitely have our ups and downs, but we're generally happy.
On Friday, she went out with people from her work
for Christmas drinks and arrived home around midnight absolutely hammered.
She just said she'd had a good time and went

(30:41):
straight to bed. By the way, this comes from Throwaway
Holding Hands and if you want to submit your own stories,
go to the r slash Okay Storytime Separate.

Speaker 1 (30:48):
I'm Sophia, I'm Dakota.

Speaker 4 (30:50):
Oh I thought you were Superman, and I'm ke On
and we're.

Speaker 2 (30:53):
Here to give good advice goofy, but we don't have
all the answers. We only know what we do, So
let us know what you would do in the comments
and opiece. Yesterday, I got a message on Instagram from
an anonymous account claiming to be one of her colleagues,
saying she'd been flirting a night with one of the
guys from the office forty four Mail and they'd left

(31:14):
together at about nine to walk to the train station,
but she got back at twelve.

Speaker 1 (31:20):
Well, that means you are holding hands for three hours.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
The colleague had a couple more drinks, then went to
the station herself and says she saw my wife walking
hand in hand with the guy through the station at
about ten forty five last night. I showed her the
message and asked for an explanation. She claimed she was
so wasted she doesn't remember anything after eight pm. Off

(31:45):
the convenient I asked if she went somewhere with the
guy after they left the group, and she checked the
location history on her phone, which confirmed they had gone
to a bar near the station for about an hour.
She gave me her phone and insisted I check it.
There were no suspicious messages or anything. As far as
I could tell. She doesn't have the guy's number, and

(32:05):
they're not following each other on Instagram or friends on Facebook.
I asked if she was flirting with him, and she
admitted she was talking mostly to him all night, but
that's just because he's the only person in her office
she has anything in common with, and they're just friends.
She's mentioned this guy to me before and said how
much they have in common.

Speaker 3 (32:24):
All of this has so far maintained plausible deniability.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
I yeah, I agree, I agree, because she she came
home pretty hammered. She could have no memory. I asked
if they were holding hands, and she said, and she
said she doesn't remember, but doesn't think so. She claims
to know who sent me the message and says it's
a woman in the office who hates her, although she
doesn't know why. Today she's been in a terrible mood

(32:48):
and we've not really spoken. So that's where we are.
I'm not sure what to do. And there's an update
nine days later. Any thoughts, I think that there's plausible diability,
But now I'd be like a little bit more hesitant about,
you know, my wife and her relationship with this guy,
just be a little bit more suspicious.

Speaker 1 (33:07):
Yeah, I don't know if it's time to do anything.

Speaker 2 (33:09):
Yeah, I don't know if you can, oh talk to
the guy.

Speaker 1 (33:13):
Oh maybe talk to the guy. I don't know, and
it'd be like, hey, man, it's just made the man.
I need to know. Were you holding my wife's hand
for three hours last night?

Speaker 2 (33:24):
How long were you holding her hand? Let me know.
Sam came home from work on Monday and casually said
she's spoken with the guy Tom and he'd confirmed they
hadn't held hands, they'd just been walking arm in arm
because she was wasted and wearing heels. I asked why
her colleague Helen would make an Instagram account track me

(33:45):
down and message me saying they had held hands. If
it wasn't true, she said, Helen is basically in lerve
with Tom and made a pass at him just after
his divorce, but he rejected her. I asked why Helen
would fee threatened by her. She said because her and
Tom are friends and Helen's a crazy jealous witch. I

(34:06):
asked why she went for a drink just her and Tom.
She said that, according to Tom, they walked past this
bar with an amazing live band playing, so they stopped
in for a drink. Her only regret was doing too
many shots too early and getting crap faced. The next day,
she went shopping after work and came home with a
new dress. I asked what the occasion was and she
said her work Christmas party last week was just drinks

(34:29):
with people from her office. The company Christmas party is
on Friday. I hardly slept that night. The next day,
I decided to reply to the Instagram message to get
some more info. I asked if she thought anything was
going on with them. Helen quickly replied with a long
message saying they flirt at work and every once noticed. Apparently,

(34:50):
Sam was going to be let go, but Tom put
in a good word, so she kept her job. Tom
protects her in the office and will constantly defend her.
She also said she also so said, Sam witches about
me to the whole office, and it's clear we don't
have a happy marriage. I asked if she was going
to the Christmas party, and she said she was. She

(35:10):
said she'd update me if anything happened. I think I
think you have to say, get me the footage. I
need footage.

Speaker 3 (35:16):
So I think you take all of that and what
you take away from it should be that your wife
is unhappy with your marriage and isn't talking to you
about it.

Speaker 2 (35:25):
Well, but is that true you know? Or is this
another Helen lie?

Speaker 3 (35:30):
What I would take away from that is just checking
in with Yeah, check in with my spouse, and then
if that then you can figure out if it's a lie,
just on that alone.

Speaker 4 (35:41):
Yeah, it's the good old One tells truth and one
only tells lies.

Speaker 2 (35:45):
One of us always lies, Helen Oh Sam. Sam finished
work early on Friday, so she had time to get ready.
She looked amazing and I really didn't want her to go,
but I felt like I couldn't say anything. They all
left just before eleven were at the new bar. By
ten pasted, Sam and Tom turned up just before midnight.
Sam arrived home about two am, not quite as wasted

(36:08):
as last time, and went straight to sleep. When Sam
woke up, I just asked her straight out if she
cheated on me with Tom last night. She angrily denied it.
I told her I knew she'd been to Tom's house.
She accused me of spying on her, called me controlling,
said she was going to stay with her sister. I
demanded an explanation, and she said she went to his

(36:30):
house so they could smoke a joint before heading to
the bar. I thought, you didn't remember any of that. Hmmm,
pretty freaking suspicious. She wouldn't reply to my messages or
answer my calls on the all day Sunday. I called
her sister, who said she hadn't seen her, but she
texted me later that she'd spoken to Sam and she

(36:50):
was okay. Sam came home yesterday morning. I asked where
she'd been and she just said she couldn't do this
anymore and wants a divorce. She went to start packing
some clothes while I try to get her to talk
to me. I asked if she was leaving me for Tom.
She once again denied anything inappropriate had happened between them,
but said my jealousy was the final straw. It's clear

(37:12):
I don't trust her. I'm controlling. I take her for granted.
She's deeply unhappy, has been for a while.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
Why haven't we talked about that?

Speaker 2 (37:21):
Why didn't you mention any of this until you freaking
cheated on Ope?

Speaker 1 (37:25):
Yeah, it just sounds sounds like that's the case.

Speaker 4 (37:29):
Is not physical, it's definitely emotional.

Speaker 2 (37:32):
Yeah, so she's gone. It looks like I'll be spending
my first Christmas alone. I have no idea if she
was telling the truth, or if it was an affair
and there is a second update, I don't think she
would react that harshly.

Speaker 1 (37:45):
Yeah, it seems like she's.

Speaker 3 (37:47):
Kept all of her problems and resentments in regards to
y'all's marriage locked hingshie, except.

Speaker 2 (37:57):
At work where she tells her Yeah.

Speaker 1 (37:59):
And now she's found a perfect app. Don't I need
to say, Hey, look at you being all jealous. I'm
out of here.

Speaker 2 (38:07):
You're crazy and poor Helen. Try and tell the truth.
Be good citizen.

Speaker 1 (38:12):
I was a Helen believer. Yeah, okay from day one.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
Day one update two twenty days after last update. Once
she was gone, Sam blocked me on all her social
media and refused to return my messages or answer my calls.
I ended up traveling to the other side of the
country to spend Christmas with my parents. On Christmas Eve,
Sam came home and took more of her stuff. I
watched her on our security cameras. I tried phoning her,

(38:39):
but she ignored my calls. Christmas wasn't great, and my
parents were both shocked and in denial about what had happened.
They had no idea we were having issues, and insisted
Sam would come to her senses and come home. I
returned home on the twenty seventh. I'd been getting sporadic
updates from Sam's sister, just letting me know she's all right,
but without any details. Before all this happened, we'd made

(39:02):
plans to spend New Year's Eve at Sam's favorite bar
in the city. I went on my own, but she
didn't show up. On Tuesday night, I received an Instagram
message from Helen saying Sam and Tom had arrived at
work together in Tom's car. On Wednesday night, she sent
another message saying Sam was poisoning the office against her,
and that Tom was pushing upper management to transfer her

(39:25):
to another office or get rid of her. No, no, no,
Sam's poisoning against Helen.

Speaker 1 (39:32):
I revoke my collaps.

Speaker 2 (39:33):
She begged me to do something. What is the pace
supposed to do? Hope he doesn't work there. I texted
Sam and said we needed to talk, but she didn't reply.
So the next day I called her work switchboard, gave
a fake name and got put through. I could tell
she wasn't happy to hear my voice, but she agreed
to meet up after work at a local pub and talk.
I got there early and she arrived twenty five minutes late.

(39:56):
She apologized for ignoring my calls and said she still
cares about me and wants to end things on good terms.
I said, just tell me the truth. She promised she
wasn't having an affair with Tom and they were just friends.
She admitted they talked a lot in the office, but
insisted it wasn't an emotional affair. She understands why I
was suspicious after the Instagram message, but said I should

(40:18):
have accepted her denial and trusted her. She has a
lot of male friends, but felt like she couldn't hang
out with them because I'd get jealous. I pointed out,
I've never told her not to hang out with anyone,
but she said I'd be in a mood whenever she'd
hang out with a guy friend she feel likes. She
feels like we only got married to try and fix
the relationship that was already broken. Our conversations have devolved

(40:41):
into small talk, and we've drifted apart. I said. I
heard she and Tom arrived at work together. Sam said
she went to Tom's after I accused her of cheating and
knew it was over between us.

Speaker 1 (40:52):
Yeah that whoa wait? The night the whole excused me
of cheating.

Speaker 2 (40:59):
They spent the weeknd together and agreed they'd make a
better couple than we did. Yeah, I'm sure nothing happened
between y'all. She needed me to know that nothing happened
between them until after she told me she wanted a divorce,
and now they were together. Tom was waiting outside for
her in the car. All I could do was stand
up and walk out. Sam texted me saying she knew

(41:21):
I was up that, but not to do anything stupid.
I blocked her number. I'm not gonna lie it was
a rough night. The next day, I was just numb.
Didn't really do much over the weekend. I dug out
our marriage certificates so I can start divorce proceedings. I've
no idea what to say to Helen's, so I haven't replied.
I think the plan now is to try and find

(41:41):
a new job closer to my hometown. I've moved across
the country to live with Sam, and I've never really
felt settled here. I also don't want to run into
her and Tom around town. Luckily we rent and there
is a third update, folks, Let's get into it. What
soon to be ex wife is pregnant and has suggested

(42:02):
to her friend that it's mine. The only way this
is possible if she's had our final frozen embryo implanted
without my permission. I'm waiting for a callback from the clinic,
but I'm freaking out and want to get an idea
of the potential consequences at it. I've finally spoken to
the clinic manager and it seems this is all down

(42:22):
to my own stupidity. When our last embryo didn't take
we signed all the paperwork a few weeks later to
do the final transfer My wife then developed some hormonal issues,
so we paused the process until she could get it
sorted out. Then, for various reasons, we decided not to
proceed with the transfer, which she told the clinic. Apparently
they just paused the process for up to three years

(42:43):
in order to protect our deposit and the consent forms
remained valid. My wife had the transfer six weeks ago.

Speaker 1 (42:52):
Wow, what is wrong, wife, bro Why she.

Speaker 2 (42:58):
Literally left you and had your baby?

Speaker 3 (43:02):
Yeah, She's like, well, this relationship was already broken. We
just got married to try to save it. I know
what to do. I'll have your child.

Speaker 2 (43:11):
What Update four? I'm forty one male about to move
in with my pregnant ex wife thirty seven female. How
can we make this work? Don't don't do that? Literally,
don't do.

Speaker 4 (43:26):
You want to make that work?

Speaker 1 (43:28):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (43:29):
My ex wife is pregnant with our first child due
on Christmas Eve. We broke up last Christmas that I
moved back in with my parents two hundred plus miles away.
She started a relationship with a coworker, which caused so
much drama at her work that in February she reached
a mutual agreement that she would immediately resign in exchange
for six months salary.

Speaker 1 (43:49):
Dang, she's a mess.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 (43:52):
They literally are like, we'll pay you six months of
salary to leave Eve. Get out.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
The relationship ended and she used the settlement money to
you restart the IVF process we'd paused years earlier.

Speaker 1 (44:03):
Oh my, what this lady is a mask? Why would
you do that? You could have done anything.

Speaker 2 (44:09):
When I found out she was pregnant, I contacted the
IVF clinic, who explained that the contracts we'd signed at
the start of the process were still valid and they
hadn't done anything wrong. I disagreed and hired solicitors specializing
in clinical negligence and contract law. They managed to negotiate
a settlement with the clinic in lieu of legal action,
and my ex and I ended up with about eighty

(44:30):
pounds or eighty K pounds each after fees. I'm sorry
she got eighty K.

Speaker 1 (44:36):
She wanted this whatever good. You can use that for
the kid.

Speaker 2 (44:39):
Plus, the clinic updated their processes to require consent to
be reconfirmed by both parties before any embryo transfer takes place.
For the last four months, I've been in regular contact
with my ex discussing settlement negotiations and traveling down south
for scans. When I asked why she did it, she
just said she knew this was her last chance to

(45:00):
have a baby, and when she came into some money,
she took it as a sign she should go ahead
with the embryo transfer before I remember to withdraw consent. Disgusting, Yeah, disgusting, disgusting.

Speaker 1 (45:11):
Disgusting, literally disgusting.

Speaker 3 (45:13):
Hey, you know what, if you're too old to have
a kid, you can always adopt.

Speaker 2 (45:18):
Literally, there's so many other options that didn't involve, like
coercing your ex partner into a parent, like into a
parenting situation. She's since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which
in her mind, has absolved her of any responsibility for
her actions.

Speaker 1 (45:35):
Oh, the opposite of how it works.

Speaker 2 (45:38):
Oh No, desperate for us to get back together and
raise our son as a family. I'm not interested in
being a couple, but I obviously don't want to be
two hundred miles away from my son. I've got a
new job, so I really didn't want to move back
down to Hampshire. But she's willing to move up to
Yorkshire as long as we live together, So we agreed
to spend the settlement money on a house in my hometown.

Speaker 1 (45:58):
This is all that I know.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
This is such a bad idea.

Speaker 1 (46:01):
Buddy, you are not It is not set up for success.

Speaker 2 (46:05):
Don't do that. Just don't do that. Just try and
get custody. I don't know. I picked up the keys
last week, and I've been furnishing and decorating in preparation
for us moving in next week. My ex has no
friends or family around here and no job. Us living
together is going to be super awkward, but once the
baby comes, I'm hoping we can get into a co

(46:25):
parenting routine. The new house has three bedrooms, so we'll
have one each in one for a son. We've agreed
not to see other people for at least three years,
her request. I don't see us rekindling a romantic relationship,
but in an ideal world, we'll live together for a
few years, then sell the house, by which point she'll
be settled here and we can live close to each

(46:46):
other and co parent our son. I hope I'm not
being unbelievably naive and making a huge mistake. My parents
are excited to be grandparents, but they're not keen on
the idea of us living together. Yeah, No one's keen
on this. This is a idea, and there is an
update Update five. I'm forty one male about to move
back in with my pregnant ex wife. How can we

(47:07):
make this work? Three months after last update. To say
my last post got a negative response would be an understatement.
It was a strange feeling reading all the replies, saying
what a mistake I was making after putting in so
much thought and spending lots of time and effort to
get where I was. Someone sent me a link to
a TikTok of my previous posts during the worst time

(47:28):
of my life being read out loud.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
Sorry, sorry, dude, Hey, it really puts things in perspective.

Speaker 2 (47:34):
It made me realize I hadn't even begun to process
what happened last Christmas or why. And I contacted a
therapist the next day. Good Sam moved in the day
before my first appointment. It was awkward, but she was
busy organizing her new room, so I just left her
to it. That night, we ordered pizza and watched a movie.
It was nice, Okay. I met the therapist the next

(47:56):
day and explain the situation. He thought the whole thing
was a yeah, yeah, that.

Speaker 4 (48:03):
Makes sense him and everybody else.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
My guy, she got you with the pregnancy, dude.

Speaker 2 (48:08):
She really baby dropped you. But as we were now
living together, he agreed to help us navigate things as
smoothly as possible. He thought couple's therapy would be the
best option. Sam and I have seen him every week
since then and gone through our entire relationship. After four miscarriages,
the last two at twelve plus weeks absolutely wrecked Sam's

(48:30):
mental health. I started cooling on the idea of continuing
to try for a child instead of talking to Sam.
She so desperately wanted to be a mum. I thought
it would break her. I just pulled away from her,
which is probably where a lot of those relationship troubles started. Yeah,
of course she noticed and blamed herself and began spiraling.
Couple this with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and the hormone issue

(48:53):
which resulted from the IBF, and it was a recipe
for disaster. Sam thought, possibly correctly, that I wanted out
of the relationship, but was too cowardly to come out
and say it. So I just checked out and waited
for her to get sick of me. The whole tom
situation was the straw that broke the camel's back, and
she gave up fighting for our marriage and let me

(49:14):
get out guilt free. In therapy, I've learned to accept
my responsibility for the breakup of our marriage. I wasn't
a good husband towards the end, and it's a miracle
Sam stuck around as long as she did. The time
apart made me realize how much I still love her.
We've agreed to try and embrace what has happened and
be thankful it brought us to where we are now.

(49:35):
So we're now back living as a couple. I canceled
the divorce, which was taking ages as Sam refused to
engage with it. Our son was born on December eleventh,
two weeks earlier than expected, and he's absolutely perfect. I'm
holding him as I write this. I know a lot
of people who read my previous posts will be disappointed

(49:56):
with how I've handled this, but at the end of
the day, we've only got one chance at life, and
I honestly can't think of a better way to spend mine.

Speaker 1 (50:04):
I mean, I'm not really disappointed. I'm more just concerned.
It feels like that was.

Speaker 2 (50:08):
Correct and then had to come back. Thanks for all
your advice over the past year, and Merry Christmas, And
there is a sixth update. It doesn't seem like it
gets better from here. Seems like it might get a
little worse. Update six can I take my son out
of the country without his mother's express permission? And five

(50:29):
months after last update, my wife gave birth to our
son in December. She suffers from untreated bipolar disorder, and
after Christmas she developed severe PbD. We agreed she'd go
and stay with her mom for a week as she
was spiraling and needed a break. She never came back,
and we're no longer in direct contact.

Speaker 1 (50:48):
Oh.

Speaker 3 (50:50):
She disappeared off the face of the planet after she
she baby.

Speaker 2 (50:54):
Trapped, You had the baby, and then left you with
the kid. Our last conversation was over a month ago
and it didn't go well. She apparently has no interest
in being in our son's life or even getting updates
on him. As far as I know, she still lives
with her mom two hundred plus miles away.

Speaker 3 (51:11):
Well good, she probably wouldn't have been good for the kid. No, man,
you're going to be a great dad. Yeah, and you're
going to find another partner.

Speaker 2 (51:18):
Who doesn't suck, who.

Speaker 1 (51:20):
Embraces your child.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
But there is a little bit left to this story.
Do you owny final thoughts?

Speaker 3 (51:26):
Get all the stuff that she's saying about not wanting
to be a parent in writing, and then do whatever
you want.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
Yeah, and then make sure she stay is not a
parent anyway. I've been offered a second mint at my
company's Swedish office, covering maternity leave for a year.

Speaker 1 (51:40):
Yeah Swedish.

Speaker 2 (51:41):
She I want to take it, but I don't want
to tell my wife, as she would likely try to
throw a spanner in the works. I have my son's
passport and original birth certificate. Can I just go without
telling her? I think you need to get custody. I
think you need to take all of the evidence that
she has left you and your son and hasn't been
around uh, and then use that to get full custody

(52:03):
of your son. We also own a house together, which
I'd like to rent out while I'm away. If she
turns up out of the blue and find someone else
living here, could she do anything. There's no mortgage and
all the bills are in my name, but she's on
the deeds to be clear. If she ever decides to
unblock me and wants to see her son. Then of
course we'd come back. I'm not looking to take him
away from her forever, but I think this would be

(52:25):
good for us. And that is the end of that story.
I mean, personally, you're naive. Talk to a lawyer.

Speaker 1 (52:31):
You're naive thinking that that's just gonna become good. I
don't know. She needs to treat her bipolar, yeah, but
that's not She's to take her mental health seriously. And
if she's not gonna do that, this, this this cycle
is just gonna go and go over and over and
over again.

Speaker 2 (52:49):
I think you just have to kind of like stay
apart from her, regardless of whether or not she comes back.

Speaker 1 (52:54):
And that's the end of this story. Let's head to
the next one.

Speaker 2 (52:58):
Hey, Sam, we're gonna get back to this. But here's
three bites of bads from our sponsors.

Speaker 3 (53:02):
My husband prioritizes his sick mother over us, and it's
starting to ruin our family.

Speaker 2 (53:07):
I'm sick of this.

Speaker 1 (53:09):
And there's trigger warning for mentions of use.

Speaker 3 (53:11):
I never really post on Reddit, but I need advice
because I don't know what to do anymore. My husband
and I have been married for a decade. We have
five children and I'm a stay at home mom, a
decision we made together. And by the way, this comes
from user mean Butterfly forty five, twenty six. And if
you want to submit your own stories, go to the

(53:31):
r slash Okay Storytime subprendit.

Speaker 1 (53:33):
I'm Dakota, I'm Sophia, and I'm Keon and we're here
to give you good advice. Goofully, but we don't have
all the answers. We're just We're just goofy little gang.

Speaker 3 (53:44):
We only know what we would do, so if you
do something different, let us know in the comments. Ohpi
says my mother in law was diagnosed with high blood pressure.
She refused to take her prescribed medication, believing all she
needed to do was pray and fast for healing well.
Three years ago, she had a stroke that left her
with aphasia and wheelchair bound about eighty percent of the time.

(54:07):
She spent many months in the hospital, and when she
was discharged, my husband went over for a couple of
weeks to help her settle in. A caretaker and nurse
were hired to help her. Unfortunately, my mother in law
is a difficult patient and she has cycled through many
caretakers and nurses. She has been physically and verbally harmful
to her care team. For example, one evening, a caretaker

(54:30):
called because my mother in law fired her at three
in the morning and threw objects at her when the
caretaker told her she couldn't leave until someone else came
over to take care of her. All this commotion led
to my husband spending more and more time at my
mother in law's trying to sort out her care. Initially,
he would drive to her place after work every other

(54:51):
day to check that all was in order. His mother
lives an hour away from us, so driving back and
forth after work was strenuous. He asked to sleep over
there instead of driving back. Over time, his sleepovers at
my mother in law's became more frequent and extended. Last month,
he only spent one week at home with me and
the children. The rest of the month was spent at

(55:13):
his mother's. Last time he was home, our youngest was
afraid of him because he thought he was a stranger.

Speaker 2 (55:19):
Oh ah, that's not good. That's like that's like a
wake up call, though.

Speaker 1 (55:25):
Yeah, it should be.

Speaker 3 (55:26):
I have raised this issue with him, but he accuses
me of being heartless and uncaring.

Speaker 1 (55:32):
He tells me that his mother needs him.

Speaker 3 (55:34):
During our call yesterday, I told him that I was
thinking of divorce because I am currently living as a
single parent.

Speaker 1 (55:40):
And he didn't take it too kindly. Yeah, who would
take that kindly?

Speaker 2 (55:44):
Hopefully he wakes up though.

Speaker 1 (55:46):
I mean, that's it.

Speaker 3 (55:47):
Look, you can't you cannot just swing divorce around unless
you really mean it first, of.

Speaker 2 (55:54):
Which I think she does. But like she's tired of this.

Speaker 1 (55:58):
It's it's it's not like he's hanging out with the boys. No,
his mom had a stroke and refuses to let others
take care of her. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (56:08):
I think he's like he's in a very tough situation,
but also needs to kind of listen to what he's
I don't think he's hearing what op he's saying.

Speaker 1 (56:16):
Yeah, well, we have some comments. Comment one.

Speaker 3 (56:19):
His mom needs to be moved into a care home
that is equipped to handle her. He is dad, and
he can't abandon his family. Over seventy five percent of
the time, it's harming his relationship with you and the kids.

Speaker 1 (56:31):
My whole thing is, I feel like there's so many.

Speaker 3 (56:33):
More solutions to this before we're like, all right, we're
gonna divorce unless this stops like that. That seemed like
a miscalculation. Don't threaten divorce unless you're ready to go
down that path. It is not an empty threat, and
it's not something you can always come back from. There's
a reply an addition to add to the above comment
that they will also be multiple people on each shift

(56:56):
so they're not getting burned out dealing with her behavior.

Speaker 1 (56:59):
And another reply.

Speaker 3 (57:00):
As someone that works in skilled nursing, I can tell
you that facilities do get burnt out, and if the
patient is so bad that they can't provide care to her,
they will find.

Speaker 1 (57:09):
A way to get her out of the facility.

Speaker 3 (57:11):
I've seen it done many times, and once she starts
getting a name across town, it'll be difficult to find
placement for her.

Speaker 1 (57:18):
Another reply.

Speaker 3 (57:19):
As someone who has worked in multiple SNFs and ALFs
and I've done home care, I can guarantee that there
will be a facility that lets her state. No matter
how cantanker is she may be as long as she
can pay for her stay. It may not be a
top notch facility and she may get some sleepy time meds,

(57:39):
but they'll keep her. Another reply, and there are people
that enjoy working with the feisty people.

Speaker 1 (57:45):
I love the TBI units and will seek out facilities
that have them when I'm looking for work.

Speaker 3 (57:50):
I will take care of your punchee grandma. And there
is another comment. Last time he was home, our youngest
was afraid of him because he.

Speaker 1 (57:58):
Thought he was a stranger. So so what was his
reaction to this?

Speaker 3 (58:02):
Because, quite frankly, if this wasn't a wake up call
for him, I'm not sure anything else you say would
be a reply, says If it was a wake up call,
op wouldn't be posting. Her husband has the mindset of
I care for my mother, so you care for the
rest he's counting on. I'm dad to give him a
relationship with his wife and kids, but if he's not around,

(58:22):
they're going to move on without you. Life doesn't stop
when you leave your family. Your kids grow up without you,
your wife gets by without you, and eventually you're just
not necessary. Comment three, it's not really realistic for his
mom to be at home anymore.

Speaker 1 (58:35):
It's time for her to go into a care home.

Speaker 3 (58:38):
I know no one wants to do that, but he
can't sustain this, not just because his family needs him
and they do which is more than enough of a reason.
But because this will only get more demanding. Comment four.
I would just get a lawyer. He knows what he's doing.
He has other options, but he won't take them, and
he's making you and the kids pay the price because

(58:58):
his mother is such an a hole that she gave
caregivers a hard time.

Speaker 2 (59:01):
Like that's I don't know. I feel like that.

Speaker 1 (59:03):
It's been a month, people, I feel like that.

Speaker 2 (59:05):
Comment's a little harsh to be like, the man who's
taking care of his sick mother knows what he's doing.
I don't think he knows what he's doing at all.

Speaker 4 (59:13):
No one knows what they're doing with this.

Speaker 2 (59:14):
Yeah, to be clear, that's not that saying that that's
not a problem. But I don't think he knows what
he's doing. I think that's why you have to have
the conversation and like figure out a way to fix this. Yeah,
because he doesn't know what he's doing.

Speaker 1 (59:26):
Yeah, I'm skipping that one. There's an edit, though.

Speaker 3 (59:29):
I see comments asking the same questions, so I'm going
to answer some here. My husband is my mother in
law's only child. Our youngest is fifteen months old. I
spent most of the pregnancy alone. Because of this situation,
I had to drive our older children to extracurricular activities
while I was heavily pregnant.

Speaker 2 (59:47):
So I don't think it's been just a month, right, Well.

Speaker 3 (59:50):
I think the staying at her place is just because
he was at his mother's when I went into labor
and our neighbor drove me to the hospital while his
wife took care of our children.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
Dang, Yeah that's sill, which is like.

Speaker 2 (01:00:03):
Yeah, still a problem, clearly, but like something that needs
to be addressed and if he's not willing to address it,
then this is an issue.

Speaker 3 (01:00:13):
But yeah, I did not expect the number of children
we have to be controversial. I only mentioned our five
children to provide context on this issue. I don't want
to go into specifics, but how and why we have
five children is more complicated than you might imagine. Our
house was bought by my father in law for our family.
He was a staunch Christian who believed in family values,

(01:00:33):
so he brought this house to support our marriage and family.
He was a voice of reason and often played the
role of marriage counselor. We miss him terribly. My mother
in law does behave better when my husband is around
because he knows how to calm her down. So even
though she is harmful, my husband knows how to de escalate.

(01:00:53):
She has not been diagnosed with dementia. When we spoke
about a care home, my husband was not willing to
consider it because my mother in law is attached to
her home and he was told that moving her to
a place where she's unfamiliar with her surroundings may cause.

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
Her to deteriorate.

Speaker 3 (01:01:09):
He also said there are many horror stories of the
elderly who said care homes, which is true.

Speaker 1 (01:01:14):
We spoke again after my post.

Speaker 3 (01:01:16):
He was weeping, saying that his mother is passing away
and he wants to spend as much time as possible
with her before she passes.

Speaker 1 (01:01:24):
He said threatening divorce was cruel.

Speaker 2 (01:01:26):
I mean, there's not the old you know, his care
home is not the only option. I've had kind of
both experiences. My grandfather on my mom's side was in
a care home because he was dealing with dementia, and
then on my dad's side, my grandmother, they have like
a person who an in home care who comes and

(01:01:46):
helps and stuff, and so that that wouldn't necessarily mean
that he's you know, fully not like he would still
be going and stuff and helping out, but he would
probably be doing a lot less work, Like a lot
of that burden would be lifted. Yeah, So there's like
there's multiple options here. It's just you guys both need
to be on the same page that this isn't working
the way that it's happening right now.

Speaker 1 (01:02:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
I mean it kind of feels like he is aware
of that as well. Yeah, and he's just like, well,
what am I supposed to?

Speaker 1 (01:02:12):
What do I do? He literally does I supposed to?
Just like let my mom like, yeah, just like fall apart.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:02:20):
There's another edit. There are a couple of things I
want to clarify. My husband is supervising the nurses and
caregivers who care for my mother in law. The caregivers
and nurses are board certified professionals with experience and elderly care.

Speaker 1 (01:02:34):
Her behavior is more.

Speaker 3 (01:02:35):
Agreeable when my husband is around, and there are fewer
fits of anger, so he's not wiping my mother in
law's bottom, as someone crudely suggested. Many have asked why
I allowed this issue to continue for so long. My
answer is that my mother in law was a kind, supportive,
and generous woman before the stroke. She lived with us
for three months when we had our first baby, cooked, cleaned,

(01:02:57):
and cared for the baby when I needed sleep. She
was always willing to take the children when my husband
and I needed some time to ourselves. The children loved
visiting their nana and Papa. Yes, I am frustrated that
her refusal to take her prescription caused this chaos and
that she has treated her care team poorly, but the
last three years are not a full reflection of who

(01:03:18):
she was and the life she lived. She dedicated much
of her life to her family, community, and charity work,
so please don't condemn her. I have read comments from
those with experience in traumatic brain injury rehab, and I
do believe the stroke has affected her impulse control and
emotional regulation. I also want to add that the stroke
happened a few months after the passing of my.

Speaker 1 (01:03:40):
Father in law.

Speaker 3 (01:03:42):
Yeah, many layers to this complicated emotional lasagna whoooe.

Speaker 1 (01:03:49):
The children and I drove to my mother in law's yesterday.

Speaker 3 (01:03:52):
I'm letting the kids take some time off school, and
the mood instantly lifted when we arrived. As I write this,
my toddler is sitting on my mother in law's lap
having a conversation. Only the two of them understand. My
husband and the older children are playing tag. The caregivers
are also cheerful, and we have a little bit more
story here, let's keep going.

Speaker 2 (01:04:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:04:15):
When I arrived, my husband and I had a deep
conversation about this issue. I apologized for threatening divorce and
told him that I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and exhausted,
which has affected my interactions with the children because I
have become extremely impatient.

Speaker 1 (01:04:30):
We cried. We are going to have a serious conversation
with my mother in law, hopefully later today, where we
will detail how this has affected our lives, suggest an
assisted living facility and give her the opportunity to provide
her input. It's looking positive but uncertain. There's a very
long road ahead of us and many life changing decisions
to be made.

Speaker 3 (01:04:50):
Yeah, and that is the end of that story once. Yeah,
it sounds like you're knocking on the door of figuring
it out.

Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
It's so hard trying to like help your your aging parents, grandparents,
you know,

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}My cousin REVEALED my diagnosis to my grandfather… now everything’s in chaos! -r/BORUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP2365