My cousin’s wife wore a WHITE DRESS on my wedding day… all because I refuse to send an extra invitation! - r/TwoHotTakes | Reddit Stories | EP1968 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My cousin's wife wore a white dress on my wedding
day because I refused to send another invitation. I'm sorry
if this is long, but I need to give a
little backstory before I tell you what happened last week. So, I,
twenty six female, got married to my husband twenty seven mail.
Back in twenty twenty one, we were kind of tight
on our budget for our weddings since we were the

(00:20):
only ones paying for it because our parents weren't really
that involved. By the way, this comes from Wooden essay
ninety thirty four on the Okay Storytime Separate It. So
we got engaged at the end of November twenty twenty two,
and in January decided to set the date for May third. Yeah.
I know, that's only basically four months to plan a wedding,
but the venue we fell in love with only had
that date available or otherwise we were going to have

(00:43):
to wait till June of twenty twenty four. In March,
we basically had everything we needed and paid for except
our wedding invitations. We pretty much already ran through our budget,
so we could only order pretty much the exact amount
of invitations we needed. I actually came up short a
couple so we had less than what we needed. I
messaged my family and friends asking for their addresses so
I could send them an invitation. When I messaged one

(01:05):
of my cousins and asked him for his address, he
sent it to me, and I went on to add
that to my list of others. A couple of days later,
he messaged me and said his wife, she was his
girlfriend at the time, let's call her Katie, wanted me
to send her one as well. I told him that
we only ordered the exact amount we needed and that
on this invitation it includes a plus one. He never
messaged me back, so I figured that was the end

(01:27):
of it. I'm assuming that.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
Was not definitely not the end of it. But that's
really weird.

Speaker 1 (01:32):
Why why does she need her own invite? She's invited,
you're not even that she wants to hang it on
her fridge.

Speaker 2 (01:40):
Yeah, but she's not even in the family this last time.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah. Fast forward to our wedding. It was so beautiful
and it was honestly the most perfect day I could
ever imagine, except in the middle of the ceremony, my
cousin and Katie come literally running toward where everyone was seated.
We had an outdoor wedding, so when they were pulling
up in his truck, we could all hear them, and
when they were running towards wherever whon one was seated,
everyone literally turned to stare at them. People were gasping.

(02:04):
I was in almost tears, not from them coming in
late so loudly, not even from them running towards everyone,
but because Katie was wearing a full length white dress.

Speaker 2 (02:15):
Dude, dude, what heck?

Speaker 3 (02:19):
Like?

Speaker 1 (02:19):
Why are you so dumb? It seriously looked like a
wedding dress. After the ceremony we have the reception in
the venue's barn across the field, all everyone could even
focus on was Katie. I had multiple people come up
to me asking if I knew she was going to
wear that and if I was okay with it. I
was not okay with it in the slightest, but it
was my wedding. It was supposed to be one of
the best days of my life, so I just tried

(02:40):
to ignore it and act like nothing was going on.
I never said anything to her or my cousin, and
neither did any of my family because we've really only
seen them at family reunions. We're not really close to them.
My dad's side of the family is huge, so I
don't really see them for holidays or on a regular basis.
So now to last week, three and a half years later, whoa,

(03:01):
we jumped.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
We jumped.

Speaker 1 (03:02):
My husband and I now have a beautiful eight month daughter.
I was going to my dad's house so he could
a visit with her. I pulled up and I noticed
a car I don't recognize. When I get inside, my
cousin and Katie are sitting there. As soon as she
sees us, she jumps up and runs over to try
and grab my daughter out of my arm, saying, oh
my goodness, give me that precious baby. I turn away

(03:23):
from her and tell her to back up. I tell
her I haven't seen her in three and a half years,
and the last time I did see her, she was
wearing a wedding dress to my wedding. She just stands
and stares at me. It starts saying that she doesn't
know what I'm talking about, that she didn't wear a
wedding dress to my wedding.

Speaker 2 (03:37):
Girl, you know exactly what she did.

Speaker 1 (03:39):
Come.

Speaker 2 (03:40):
You wanted this, You wanted to be the center of attention. Yeah,
and you got. She honestly ConA got.

Speaker 1 (03:44):
It literally doesn't even matter if it wasn't technically a
wedding dress.

Speaker 2 (03:47):
You don't wear white, wear white to a wedding, especially
a white dress.

Speaker 1 (03:50):
I said, you literally wore a full length white gown
to my wedding. Everyone was talking about it the whole
time and was asking who you were and if I
said it was okay. She then goes on a rampage
about how it was cream colored and that everyone was
telling her how beautiful she looked. And then I was
just jealous because she apparently looked so much better than
I did on my wedding day. So now you're admitting
to try and to upstate.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
The bread some once a narcissist, I.

Speaker 1 (04:12):
Was ready to throw down.

Speaker 4 (04:14):
Yeah, yeah, her up.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
In my days, before I was a mom, I would
have just yanked her skinny butt up and snapped her
like a twig. But I'm not risking going to jail
while I have my daughter. So I told my dad
I was just going to leave, that he should have
told me they were going to be there. My cousin
goes on to say that if I would have just
sent her an invitation, then this whole issue wouldn't have
become a thing. So we've got two different stories here.

(04:37):
One is she never was in a wedding dress. It
was cream, and then the other one is you deserved it.

Speaker 2 (04:44):
This would have been avoided if you just sent her
an invite that she got.

Speaker 1 (04:47):
She literally got.

Speaker 2 (04:48):
You literally got the invite was invited.

Speaker 1 (04:50):
I asked him what he meant, and Katie says that
if I wouldn't have felt the need to be petty
and just sent her an invitation, then she wouldn't have
felt the need to be petty back. I just turned
and walked out and went home. I told my husband
and he immediately was pissed and said that they have
no right to do that to someone on their wedding
day for something as silly as an invitation. But we
would never do anything like that to you because you're

(05:11):
always invited to join us live every weekday at three PMPSD.

Speaker 4 (05:15):
Just tap her profile, tap and there's.

Speaker 1 (05:16):
A little bit left to the story. But I think, yeah,
I think just cut these people off. I mean, it
seems like you already did. Yeah, but just tell your dad, like, hey,
I don't want to be abound these people.

Speaker 2 (05:24):
I mean, these people are never really involved.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
No, they're just their side, side characters. Side.

Speaker 2 (05:30):
Yeah, their side family, their cousins, but they like again,
you don't see them all.

Speaker 1 (05:33):
There, not cousins. But there's a little bit left. Later
that night and my dad called me and apologized that
he didn't realize that I was still upset about the
wedding thing.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
No, what I think, Oh, he just didn't make a
big fuss about it. Yeah, because there was no reason
to make a big fuss about it.

Speaker 1 (05:48):
He said. He was calling to tell me the reason
they were over there. Katie is pregnant with a girl.
She's naming her the same name as my baby.

Speaker 2 (05:56):
No, okay, I hate you.

Speaker 4 (05:58):
Why why are you going.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
To be my baby has a unique name that not
a lot of people around where we live have. I'm
just so pissed and upset. I know I can't tell
them what they can or can't name their baby, but
I feel like they're just doing it to be petty. Again,
what do I do all of this? Because I didn't
send her an invitation. My cousin and her live together
at the time, and the invitation states he got a
plus one. I even addressed the invitation to them both.

(06:22):
So am I the a hole? No, far from it,
And I think you just need to cut them out permanently. Yeah,
that just that just suck.

Speaker 2 (06:30):
That's crazy. The fact that I was like, oh, the
names like nay you need for John, like that's the
common names. Yeah, I'm like, Okay, this is still a
little bit weird, very weird. I think honestly, I'd be like, fine,
name name your kid after my daughter?

Speaker 1 (06:43):
Yeah, like a copycat.

Speaker 2 (06:44):
Yeah, I'm like a guess who inspired who? Like I
got married first, then you guys got.

Speaker 1 (06:49):
Married, physical proof that you took the name.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
So yeah, that's that's really weird, really weird.

Speaker 1 (06:54):
But that is the end of that story.

Speaker 2 (06:56):
I feel like I won't enjoy my wedding with my
mother and it, but so I'm considering on inviting her.

Speaker 1 (07:01):
Get her out of there.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
I twenty five female, am marrying my fiance twenty eight
mal in May, and I'm highly considering not inviting my
mom to our wedding. Let me give a little background.
My mother and grandmother flew across the country to go
wedding dress shopping with me and my friends and future
mother in law last February. By the way. This comes
from user spare afternoon forty three fourteen on the r

(07:24):
slash ok storytime suburd So. Months leading up to this,
I was calling my dad my parents are divorced, explaining
to him how nervous I was for my mom to
join us dress shopping because she has a tendency to
blow things up that are not going her way. When
she arrived with my grandmother, she seemed in great spirits.
The first day of dress shopping, we had two appointments,
and I actually found my dress at the first shop.

(07:45):
At the first appointment, my mother kept trying to bring
me princess cut dresses, but I explained to her that
when scheduling the appointments, I had filled out surveys and
picked out dresses from their website to try on. What
are princess cut dresses?

Speaker 1 (07:56):
I think like poofy dresses?

Speaker 2 (07:57):
Oh okay. I also explained that the presses were nice,
but I never imagined myself wearing a princess cut dress
on my wedding day. During the second appointment, I had
felt like I had already found my dress, so I
gave in and tried on the dresses. My mother wanted
a few of them, she really liked, but once again
I stated that I do not want to wear a
princess cut dress to my wedding.

Speaker 1 (08:16):
Like you're you know, you gotta feel your best in
your wedding dress.

Speaker 2 (08:19):
Yeah, you gotta feel your best in your dress. I
could tell she was getting frustrated, so I told her
they had my mother of the bride dresses there and
she should try some on since I felt pretty committed
to the dress at the last shop. If you want
a princess bride dress.

Speaker 1 (08:33):
Mom, yeah, you can do it. You can have your
little bridesmaid moment.

Speaker 2 (08:38):
On the second day, my mom stated that she wanted
to take my friend's grandma, mother in law, and I
to a nice brunch before the last dress appointment. On
our way to breakfast, the dress store called me saying
they had double booked but could get me in an
hour earlier, so I pivoted our breakfast plans to a
little cafe close to the dress shop so we could

(08:59):
still get a quick bite before the appointment. Once arriving
at the appointment, my mother pulled me aside while we
were all walking in and said, I guess I will
keep my effing mouth shut since nothing I say seems
to be right.

Speaker 1 (09:10):
Huh, it's not about you. It's literally not about you.
It's not your wedding.

Speaker 2 (09:15):
I calmly asked her what she was talking about, and
she said that I had turned down every idea she
had and that my behavior was an embarrassment in front
of my future mother in law. I asked my mom
what I had specifically said, as I was truly confused
and upset, as she knew I had been trying to
make a good impression on my mother in law. I
apologize if I had made her feel that way, as
it was not my intention. She said that this is

(09:37):
a big day for her too, and we couldn't even
go to a nice brunch spot like she wanted. I
think you wanted that.

Speaker 1 (09:43):
It's literally those were your plants.

Speaker 2 (09:45):
I then walked into the dress store, tried on a dress,
and began to sob.

Speaker 3 (09:48):
No.

Speaker 2 (09:49):
I think people thought I was crying because I loved
the dress, but I was upset because I felt my
mother's timing for yelling at me was intentional.

Speaker 1 (09:57):
Uh, she's trying to ruin your old vibe.

Speaker 2 (10:00):
Yeah, before we go into the story, what do you
what do you think right now?

Speaker 1 (10:03):
Honestly, I think you should not invite her to the wedding.
She's just being awful. She's making you feel bad. It's
not a good time.

Speaker 2 (10:10):
She's very commanding, demanding and toxic.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
Commanding, demanding, toxic, commanding, demanding and toxic.

Speaker 2 (10:16):
We don't want that in yours. And the fact that
she's trying to put words in your mouth or words
in your mother in law mean you for things. Yeah,
like you want to make a good impression on your
mother in law and it seems like you're doing that. Yeah,
your mother in law has not said a word.

Speaker 1 (10:30):
She has not been Yeah, she's not criticized you at all.

Speaker 2 (10:33):
Anyway, let's get back to the story. Fast forward to
later that day, I had scheduled appointment to pick up
the dress I had found at the very first store
from the day before. My friends had left, and my mother,
mother in law, and grandmother headed to the store. My
mother sat on her phone in the dress door and
did not look up once, even when I said yes
to the dress. I began trying on veils and said

(10:53):
my mother in law asked my mother's opinion, and my
mother said loudly, it doesn't matter what I think, and
kept scrolling.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
She's so annoying. She's throwing a fit. She's throwing a
tamper tantrum because she's not getting exactly what she wants.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Mom is embarrassing the heck.

Speaker 1 (11:11):
So embarrassing to be like with your mother in law.
You're trying to make a good impression and you have
your your mother acting like this.

Speaker 2 (11:19):
This is just the start of it. Yeah, after buying
my dress, we met my fiance for dinner, and my
mother kept making passive aggressive comments in conversation, like I
am going to a nice brunch tomorrow since I haven't
gone to this whole trip, and I am not going
to say sorry for things I am not sorry for.

Speaker 1 (11:36):
Okay, okay, go to your nice brunch so no one
has to deal with you.

Speaker 2 (11:42):
Why are you do you know why you're here. You're
here for me, mom, because it's my wedding. Mom, if
you wanted to go to a nice brunch, don't be here.
Don't be here. I don't want to be sorry for
things I'm not sorry for.

Speaker 1 (11:51):
You know what, Why don't you go to a nice
brunch on the day of the wedding and then just
take it.

Speaker 2 (11:56):
I had had it at this point. After dinner, I
was silent in the car and we dropped her off
at her airbnb with my grandmother. I blocked her on
everything and cut her out.

Speaker 1 (12:06):
Good. Whoa, I mean, that is like a big step.
But she's just constantly been disrespectful and I'm assuming this
has been behavior that it is kind of a pattern.

Speaker 2 (12:15):
Of her life and this is the breaking point.

Speaker 1 (12:18):
And you know what if she comes back and she realizes, oh, wow,
you're serious. I need to change my attitude, then you
can think about it. You know, it doesn't have to
be no contact forever. But I think just putting your
foot down said this treatment is not okay.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
Like I'll see you at the wedding at least, Like, hey, yeah,
I'm done with this. This is just wedding dress shopping
and this is like girl stuff. Yeah, and your ruining
the entire experience. Yeah, just I'll see you at the wedding.

Speaker 1 (12:40):
Yeah, maybe that. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (12:41):
I did not talk to my.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
Mom for about seven months, even though my grandmother continuously
tried to guilt trip me and told me that it
was stressing her out, which is bad for her health.
So Grandma is getting in on this.

Speaker 1 (12:51):
Honestly, I can imagine the grandma is getting a lot
of the flak from the mom. Right now. Mom, I
was like, you won't talk to me, Grim was like, please.

Speaker 2 (12:59):
All the stress dumping on Grandma. I reached out to
my friends, grandmother, and mother in law after dress shopping,
asking if I had said anything mean or offensive during
the time my mother was in town, and none of
them could think of a single conversation where I was rude.
During this time, I did a lot of reflection on
my relationship with my mom and began to realize this

(13:19):
was a repeating pattern. She had made me cry before prom,
she made my graduation from high school and design school
about her divorce, and made my cross country move about her.
I reached out to family members back home and they
told me stories about events I could not attend baby showers,
bridal showers, birthdays, et cetera, and said my mother had
blown up at those two. Of course.

Speaker 1 (13:40):
You know what.

Speaker 2 (13:41):
By the way, you can join us live on YouTube
every weekday at three pm PSD. Just tap the profile.

Speaker 1 (13:45):
Tap it.

Speaker 4 (13:46):
We won't blow you up.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
Blow us up every weekday.

Speaker 2 (13:49):
See, I'm like, that's gonna be a good segue. No, No,
there's more to the story. But how do you feel.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
I mean, like, let us know in the comments whether
or not you would uninvite the mom from the wedding,
whether you would get back in contact. It seems like
Opie's kind of cut contact right now. Yeah, doesn't seem
like the mom's probably coming to the wedding.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
We don't know yet. Yeah, it's just like op is
getting reaffirmed that mom is not great. My mom just sucks.
Let's go ahead and finish up the story. Last week,
I called my mom for the first time, and she
apologized for her timing when it came to yelling at me,
but not for anything else. She then said that it
was also her day that was ruined, as wedding dress

(14:30):
shopping was also a big day for her and my grandmother.

Speaker 1 (14:33):
It's not about you, clearly, not your dress, not your day.

Speaker 2 (14:36):
It's not your day. I feel like I'm in a
lose lose situation here, as I want to be able
to enjoy my wedding and not have my mom blow
up like she has at many occasions in the past.
But I also feel like if I do not invite her,
she will hold it over my head for the rest
of my life. Am I the a hole for not
inviting my mom to my wedding.

Speaker 1 (14:55):
I mean, she probably will hold it over you, but
I think that just shows what type a person she is,
and I don't think you should have to deal with it. Yeah,
she's a very selfish.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
Person, very selfish, very self centered, narcissistic. I mean, it's
all synonyms there.

Speaker 1 (15:08):
But and she could come to the wedding. The only
person stopping her from coming to the wedding is herself.
My friend's wedding is way too expensive. I don't think
I'm going anymore.

Speaker 2 (15:18):
I guess, don't go.

Speaker 1 (15:19):
I guess I don't know.

Speaker 2 (15:20):
Problem solved.

Speaker 1 (15:21):
My twenty nine female friend thirty female, will be having
her wedding in Vegas on December. Everything was going well
until last month when she and her fiance decided to
organize a reunion for all the people we were going
to meet, which we loved. By the way, this comes
from Lanky Beyond nineteen forty eight on the Okay storytime
Separate it So. My friend even told me they create

(15:41):
separate groups based on shared interests so we could form
easier bonds between each other. Well, that meeting actually turned
into something else as soon as they had welcomed us.
They dropped the bomb that they had made a reservation
for everyone's flights and we had to pay them on Tuesday.
You don't do this on Sunday.

Speaker 4 (15:58):
You don't do that. No one's there.

Speaker 1 (16:03):
You never, you can't. You can't do that. You can't
just say, oh, you guys have to pay for something
that you didn't know about.

Speaker 2 (16:10):
And you only have until like not even next week.

Speaker 4 (16:13):
You have you have crazy.

Speaker 1 (16:16):
Everyone froze and awkwardly laughed. After the meeting. Many of
us reached out to them because we had found better
options since its high season and all of us came
from outside of the US, so flights are not that cheap,
even less the ones they booked, which were above thirty
percent of what we could find online. Tuesday arrived and
they said they will divide us by who wants to
check prices with them for the plane slash plane plus

(16:38):
hotel slash just hotel. I figured it didn't hurt to
check with them.

Speaker 4 (16:42):
Wrong.

Speaker 1 (16:42):
Should have known better after what happened. I would not
trust these people after they just bought tickets and made
everyone pay.

Speaker 2 (16:49):
Who does that?

Speaker 1 (16:50):
That's insane. Two weeks go by and they send the
price per person, not per room, again way above what
I could find online. This time, I'm almost double the price.
During that week, two more friends told me that they're
getting married outside of state. Plus my husband really wanted
to be in his country for his dad's sixtieth birthday,
which is on another continent. We sat down and budgeted

(17:12):
for everything we had to attend, and we decided we
could go to the wedding, but with the flights and
hotel we found under a much cheaper price. When I
texted my friend to let her know, it was like
a completely different person from the one I knew. She
didn't care to know my reasons. She simply said it
was not possible that we had to pay for the room.
I tried to let her understand and nothing. She said

(17:33):
we had compromise to pay for it, when that was
never the case. Since I couldn't agree on something I
never saw the price for. When they set the price,
we set down to check if it was possible or not.
I really wanted to be there for her, but the
hotel's price for three nights is the price for a
whole other wedding trip we have. It felt very weird
to feel that my friend's focus was on the hotel

(17:54):
versus her friends actually being there for her.

Speaker 2 (17:57):
That's very weird, yesh.

Speaker 1 (17:58):
I don't know why she's expecting everyone to pay without
asking them.

Speaker 2 (18:02):
I know, because like when you like, oh, there's a
destination wedding, and they're like, oh, we have the hotel. Yeah,
it's all lined up. It's to be a little pricey, but.

Speaker 1 (18:10):
You send that information before you wait, before bring it
on people.

Speaker 2 (18:13):
You don't pay that for people. They'll pay it themselves
and figure it out as long as they come.

Speaker 4 (18:18):
I don't. I don't know.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
And the fact that everything they're checking is always more
expensive than what I find online. All the money had
to be transferred to her or her fiance, with the
rest of us having no contact whatsoever with the travel
agency organizing. We couldn't sign any contracts, not ready directly
from any papers from the agency about prices. The chat
went on until she said the only solution was for

(18:40):
us both to pay the cancelation fee. No, no, you
have to pay for it because you paid you.

Speaker 2 (18:47):
Yeah, you did this yourselves, Like, I don't understand your
logic here.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
Of they don't have any logic.

Speaker 2 (18:52):
There's zero logic. Oh, we bought this all for you
guys empty, but you didn't make it. You did get
a decision. It's just we did this for you.

Speaker 1 (18:59):
Now you have to pay us, which if we still
went and paid for the other hotel, would equal the
price of the stay with them. Again, it seemed us
being there wasn't the goal at that point. My husband
said he'd pay the cancelation fee just so that the
friendship wouldn't be ruined.

Speaker 4 (19:12):
They ruined it, though, yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:13):
I already felt it was ruined by the way she
was treating me. It felt more like if you wouldn't
fit the mold of what she wanted of a wedding, guess,
then there was no use for us, And I felt
tricked because they never mentioned whatever price they found we'd
have to pay for. She stopped replying to me when
I said I'd love to be there for her special day,
but the number she was giving were impossible for us
due to all the other events. Cut to her fiance

(19:36):
writing some very passive, aggressive text on the group chat
for the wedding, saying this will be the first and
last time they'd pay a cancelation fee and that no
one had complained about the price, that it was a
very good price because a business trip he went to
that the company works for paid was much more expensive
the business.

Speaker 2 (19:53):
Oh my god, do you literally in that sentence you
just said the business paid.

Speaker 1 (19:58):
For Also, it really does does matter if it is
a cheap flight or not, because they didn't know they
were paying for it.

Speaker 2 (20:05):
No one, this was not discussed with anyone but you
and the bride.

Speaker 1 (20:09):
Ridiculous, and that said cancelation would affect everyone else, that
it was very inconsiderate to act like that in a
lack of respect for them. He went on a rant
of how cheap it was and closed the messages from
the group so that he could only write, not like
we'd reply publicly to anything, but okay. She then proceeded
to kick us out from the group again no answer
on her part. I understand she's upset. I'm more familiar

(20:31):
with destination weddings, having travel agencies, managing things directly, or
having the freedom to choose how to arrive and where
to stay. I didn't know she had signed a contract
for over forty plus people to pay for a price
we didn't know yet, which I'm guessing is why she's
so stressed. Had I known asking for a price would
involve having to pay for it no matter what. Of
course I wouldn't have asked. By the way, you can

(20:52):
join us live every weekday three PMPST just tab our profile.
Me and my husband weren't huge fans of the fiance
being all passive aggressive in public and not having my
friend address things directly with me since that's how I
was handling it. So now we don't even feel comfortable
going due to the treatment we've been getting a basically
being too poor, did not afford this place, and too

(21:13):
problematic for finding cheaper places. And since we don't feel
comfortable and I still want her to have an amazing time,
I don't see the point of going to make things awkward?
Am I the a hole for not wanting to go anymore?
Should I contact her again? She has not replied to
anything I wrote before her fiance ranted publicly, don't go.
Don't go. These people are mean and weird.

Speaker 2 (21:33):
You're not the a hole. The fact that you got
blindsided by all this stuff.

Speaker 1 (21:36):
That is they Yeah, that's the al he'll move.

Speaker 2 (21:39):
And they the fact that they're doubling down, like, uh,
this is such a great deal.

Speaker 1 (21:44):
Yeah, this is so great as to be appreciative that
we found this great deal.

Speaker 2 (21:48):
Yeah, the fact that you can just do the cancelation fee. Yeah,
you know, have a good wedding that you want to
go to other weddings.

Speaker 3 (21:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (21:56):
They don't care about other people's lives.

Speaker 1 (21:58):
No, they have this like vision what their wedding should be.
And I didn't take anyone else into a dear consideration.

Speaker 2 (22:05):
And it's good to bite them. And it's biting them
and that's really good. They're gonna have an empty wedding.

Speaker 1 (22:11):
But that is the end of that story. My roommate
saved my life, but now my partner wants to kick
him out.

Speaker 3 (22:18):
That's not really the thing you should do. Yeah, it's
like I'm repaying you with hard times.

Speaker 1 (22:24):
Also trigger warning for alcoholism. So this is kind of
a long one, but I am reaching a breaking point
and I don't know who to talk to about it.
By the way, this comes from Mogus seven on the
Bad Roommates subridd It. So here is a thing. I
am currently on my third day of no sleep because
I am so stressed. So maybe I'm not thinking straight.
About four years ago, I bought a house with my

(22:47):
longtime significant other. I work in healthcare, and I let
things get out of control with my drinking. I was
a full blown alcoholic, finishing a handle of one hundred
proof vodka in two to three days.

Speaker 2 (22:58):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (22:58):
Well, I broke up with my so because I thought
I wouldn't be able to beat my alcoholism and she
didn't deserve to be with someone like me. So there
I was in a four bedroom house by myself. I
was deep with my alcoholism and it only got worse
once I was alone and no one to disappoint. I
was in a dark place for a while. I was
okay with the fact that I would probably pass away
in my house. At some point, I finally started steps.

Speaker 4 (23:21):
To get better oka looking at kay okay.

Speaker 1 (23:24):
I went to rehab and was doing okay, but I
was a dry drunk. One of my old Army buddies
reached out to me after not hearing from me in
a while, after a long talk where he told me
his woes about his life and having to pay for
his dad's treatment, having to pay child support, and his
wife was leaving him. He was going to either be
homeless or have to live with his sister.

Speaker 3 (23:42):
Now.

Speaker 1 (23:42):
When we were in the Army, I was going through
divorce and needed a place to stay. He took me
in and I stayed on his couch rent free for
about six to eight months. I wasn't the best roommate,
but I didn't make a mess or have much aside
from my bags and took up the couch in his
living room. I know I could have offered money or cleaned,
but I was young and didn't know how to be
an adult. He never asked for anything, and to be honest,

(24:03):
he wasn't the cleanest person either, But in all it
was the dream. Two best friends living together, working out,
playing video games, and hanging out some of the best
times of my life. I offered him a place to
stay no charge, just like he did for me nine
years ago. Now as an addict, I quickly relapsed after
he moved in. I was back to my old drinking ways,

(24:24):
but he never said a word about it unless I
brought it up. That was quickly turned into a pigstyle.
The yard became a forest and I got a letter
from the city.

Speaker 4 (24:33):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (24:33):
I didn't care. I had my best friend and alcohol.
Of course, this became unsustainable after I eventually broke down
about my drinking. He became my only confidant. He told
me that he would make sure I got the help
I needed. I made my second trip to rehab. That is,
it's interesting because it seems like the friend moving in
was the reason that Opie started to drink again. But

(24:55):
also it seems like op He's going to him to
get support to go to rehab. So that's an interesting dynamic.

Speaker 3 (25:00):
So real, like edition has so many weird interesting like triggers,
and like you think certain environments might.

Speaker 4 (25:07):
Help that just like are really bad. And it's like.

Speaker 3 (25:09):
It's also hard to be in the friends position because
it's like sometimes like somebody coming to you and wanting
to help you is also a trigger to be like
to like go further into it. So it's like it
can be a really And that's why a clinical setting
is very helpful and important in treating addiction, because it's
an incredibly nuanced and complicated thing.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
Yeah, and also trying the right clinical setting because a
lot of those places, I mean a lot of places
are very good, but a lot of places you know
are not, so you have to like make sure you're
doing research and stuff. I made my second trip to rehab.
I was so low because I couldn't imagine that my
life was this way. During this time, I was making
a significant amount of money. Wow, to the point that
I was making hand over fist even with all my drinking,

(25:52):
which is also hard because it, you know, allows for
more of more drinking.

Speaker 4 (25:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (25:57):
We had come up with financial plans, yet filed for
bankruptcy and had no money. We decided that I would
give it him an allowance and he would control my
money because I didn't trust myself to not buy alcohol.
Still didn't work. I was okay with this because I
had enough to support myself, him and his son, who
is my godson. I was paying for food, gas, and
all health care. He got me to see a therapist

(26:17):
and we had long talks about myso who I was
still madly in love with, but was determined to move
on because she deserved better. During my second stint in rehab,
he reached out to her. She saw me on my
first day out of rehab. I was a mess. I
didn't want her to see me like this, but I
was sober for thirty five days at that point, longest
I had been in fifteen years. She never skipped a
beat about caring for me. I was awestruck. Wow, what

(26:40):
a what a partner. And also I think actually the
title could work. It seems like he is this friend
is kind of being really helpful. I had been such
a horrible boyfriend for a long time, but she still
cared for me. Things got better for me after a
couple of stumbles. I am now a year and some
change now, in no small part thanks to her and

(27:00):
my best friend, I realized I needed to stop being selfish.
The final straw was losing our first puppy slash dog
we had when we got together. I was devastated. I
missed years of seeing him, and during that time he
got sick and she had to care for him. I
still have guilt to this day about it. I promised
myself I would never touch alcohol again, and so far
a year into it, I have kept that promise. It

(27:22):
hasn't been easy, but I have done it.

Speaker 4 (27:24):
Hmm, that's amazing. It's definitely not very hard. Very hard.

Speaker 1 (27:28):
Yeah. I had to get a new job, which my
ESSO found for me. I lost a lot of weight
because no alcohol, but also because I started to make
better life choices. I cook healthy meals and constantly go
for walks with our other dog. On top of my
active job. Things have never been better in terms of
my mental, physical health, and my job. I realized that
I can be the person my ESSO always saw I was.
We started dating again and slowly reconnecting.

Speaker 4 (27:51):
What this is great.

Speaker 3 (27:54):
Stories that have made me like, yeah, that's actually kind
of crazy.

Speaker 1 (28:01):
You're really thinking all the fields today.

Speaker 4 (28:03):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yeah, well, I mean this is like, this is great.
To see someone like come, you know, have dropped so
low in their life and then have a support system
around them is really amazing.

Speaker 4 (28:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (28:17):
She still lives with her parents, but spends most of
her time with me and the new roommate. I made
a deal with myself that if I could go six
months and not even think about alcohol, I would propose.
Six months came and went. I realized every morning I
woke up next to her and I couldn't wait to
ask her. We had dated for eight years before that.
I never thought I would take that step, but here
we are. I proposed after asking her father, and she said, yes,

(28:39):
it is so good.

Speaker 3 (28:42):
Oh excellent, You're just doing great, Opie.

Speaker 1 (28:46):
She's going to be moving back in the end of October.
I couldn't be happier. She is the perfect partner. She
takes care of everything and never makes it an issue.
When I was keeping that promise to myself, I decided
to look inward make change in my personal life as well.
No more leaving dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor,
the bathroom a mess. I was kind of already clean,
but I wanted to make sure I wasn't just a

(29:07):
man child that she would have to take care of.
I wanted to prove to her I could be a
good husband, even if I didn't propose yet. I don't
think I do a lot, but I try to think
of things that she would do for me, and tried
to do it before she even thinks about it. I
never ask her for anything, and she is now my priority.
And there's more. But just like quickly pausing, even like
obviously you want to be a good partner and make
sure you're pulling your weight. But just from a standpoint

(29:29):
of like I think, like get like working through addiction
and stuff, building these kind of healthy habits, is I
think really good just for yourself.

Speaker 3 (29:38):
Yeah, absolutely, yeah, And it takes just you know, it's
one step at a time. You know, that's it's very
it's a I feel like a lot of people would
say a lot of different ways and a lot of
different paths that you know, recovery can take you down.
But it's like, you know, I feel like just the
biggest thing is having a support system, absolutely having this,

(29:59):
having opav this partner.

Speaker 4 (30:00):
Yeah, just so lucky. Incredible, Yeah, incredible partner.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
So here comes the stress. Dang. While I was in rehab,
my BFF was in charge of my finances.

Speaker 4 (30:10):
Oh no that oooh wow.

Speaker 3 (30:13):
I didn't even soof Yeah, that was not a great
thing to kind of let go by the wayside.

Speaker 4 (30:22):
In a way.

Speaker 1 (30:24):
No, no, no. I was in rehab, so the only
thing I could buy were SIGs for thirty five days
in detox and sober living. I wasn't buying much since
I didn't really need at that point. In that time,
my friend racked up ten k on one credit card
and about another ten k on my other one. Okay, wow,

(30:45):
I was jobless at that point because I couldn't travel anymore.
I was desperate, but he told me that it would
be okay and things would be taken care of. He
spent money on everything from food, gas, steam, games, et cetera.
He does not have a job. He collects disability from
the military, but most of that goes towards child support
and paying his own debt, slash car payments and whatnot.

(31:06):
What what? What a terrible what terrible friend? No way,
he spent that on food and same games and it's
just disgusting.

Speaker 4 (31:16):
Ten K in thirty five days. You hate this guy
who took you in.

Speaker 1 (31:21):
It was twenty k two different guards. Wow, he collects
disability from the military, but most of that goes towards
child support and paying his own debt, slash car payments
and whatnot. I didn't mind initially since I was making
tons of money and I can't take it with me.
At one point he took his car to get fixed
and the dealership held it for months. During that time,

(31:41):
he borrowed my new truck. In the months that he
had it, he got three tickets from traffic violations and
never pay them. Nothing big thirty bucks here and there,
but he never told me or forgot. He has ADHD, autism,
and a whole bunch of health problems, to the point
he has applied for SSD. He started that about six
months after moving in with me. That was three years ago.
He still doesn't know when that will come through. This

(32:03):
prevents him from getting a job, because if he did,
they would cancel the process.

Speaker 3 (32:08):
Mmmmmm oh, so you're you're wanting to not have a
job is preventing you from getting a job.

Speaker 4 (32:14):
Is that what I just heard?

Speaker 1 (32:15):
That says oh pezy, oh p.

Speaker 3 (32:19):
Well, you weren't really in a position to set any
boundaries with this guy at that time, but you got
to set them now. Yeah, this guy got to know exactly. Hey,
here's a B and C. If you don't do these things,
you gotta get.

Speaker 1 (32:31):
Like, you're gonna pay me back this twenty k that you.

Speaker 4 (32:33):
Use and if he won't get the police involved, that's
twenty k.

Speaker 1 (32:37):
That's insane.

Speaker 4 (32:37):
It's not nothing.

Speaker 1 (32:38):
On top of the credit card debt, I also gave
him well over five K through Venmo. The therapist he
took me to was expensive and I was spending two
hundred and fifty dollars on myself every other week. He
was also seeing her as well as his son. That
went on for months. The money I made and had
saved quickly dried up. Now. I know I'm not great
with keeping track of money, but even I could see

(32:59):
this one.

Speaker 4 (33:00):
What's going to end?

Speaker 2 (33:00):
Well?

Speaker 1 (33:00):
If I didn't change something fast. When myso found a
job for me that was low stress, I jumped on it.
For months. I worked six twelve hours days for months.
I didn't buy things I didn't need. I started cooking
at home, which led to weight loss. I've always been
fat due to the drinking. I was able to pay
off twenty k of credit card debt all by myself
while maintaining the house. I mow the grass every week,

(33:21):
I make sure the house is clean, and I was
taking care of myself mentally. I was able to buy
an engagement ring and do major improvements around the house.
I pinched pennies and worked my butt off. I meal
prep and did the dishes. I became the nanny of
the house. I know I can be kind of a
tense when it comes to cleaning things, so I never
expected him to be super clean or do chores since

(33:41):
it was my house. Again, after working twelve hours for months,
I would come home and dishes were piled up for days.
I cleaned them, trash piled up. I took it out.
I stopped smoking, and now I spent a couple hours
a week picking up cigarette butts. I wonder, is that
from the friend M Is that what he's implying. He said,
because he said I stopped smoking. So I'm wondering if

(34:03):
he's saying, like, my friend is still smoking and so
I'm cleaning up after him.

Speaker 3 (34:06):
I immediately took that as like some kind of volunteer
work or something, because there's no way you spend hours
couple hours a week.

Speaker 4 (34:13):
I think maybe I took a jump there, but I
just don't.

Speaker 3 (34:16):
I don't understand how you could be picking up hours
worths worth of cigarettes every week? I know, does he
not have an ash tray, like like put them somewhere?

Speaker 1 (34:26):
What I think?

Speaker 4 (34:27):
Who is this guy?

Speaker 1 (34:27):
I think this is what? Yeah, I think what's happening
here is the friend is just so it says like, oh,
he got comes home after twelve hour shifts and he's
leaving these dishes in the sink. Trash is piling up
because of the friends. The cigarette butts are piling up.
I saw he was gaining weight. So when I make food,
I try to make enough for him as well, because hey,
why not? And didn't think he could spend money on

(34:50):
fast food in this day and age. He buys Papa John's, Duncan,
taco Bell, you name it.

Speaker 4 (34:55):
He gets it.

Speaker 1 (34:56):
He sometimes asks if I want something, but it was
getting to a point that when I did, I would
pay for it, so I stopped saying yes, This wouldn't
be that bad. But he does not work. He lives
in my finished basement with a bathroom and my big
TV that I can't use since he has monopolized the downstairs.
Again not bad, since I really don't get a lot
of time at home. When I get home, I see trash,
food and general mess everywhere, and when I asked what

(35:18):
he did today, he played video games, slept all day,
or just hung out. Nothing gets done at the house
unless I do it. I try and ask him to
help with things, but more often than not, he either
can't do it or as something going on that I
eventually give up or just do it myself. Again, I
don't mind this, since I'm the one who doesn't like
mess and wants a super clean home. He has a
weird sleep schedule and so that makes it hard for

(35:39):
him to do normal things like vacuum without keeping me up,
although I don't care or hear anything he does. Since
he's in the basement for three years, this has been
the case. Maybe not as bad in the beginning, but
now it has become evident since my ESSO has spent
time in the house with us, that would be really
hard for probably her as well, to be in this
house where.

Speaker 3 (35:59):
It's just so I can't imagine if I was the
s O, I'd be like, hey, it's me or him
at this point, honestly, And and.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
There's more to this story.

Speaker 3 (36:09):
But yeah, and this is the same guy that brought
OP in, right, because this is this guy is now
crashing with op.

Speaker 4 (36:18):
Op at one point was nowhere to go and this
person helped them.

Speaker 1 (36:23):
Yeah, it's that feeling of like indebtedness. But the thing is,
I think just like needs to realize or have someone
tell him, you are still in a position where you
are you know, fortunately you are sober, but you're still
in a really kind of fragile position where your sobriety

(36:43):
and you're like upward trend if pushed or if like
taken off balance could revert.

Speaker 4 (36:51):
And I think you don't do anything you don't.

Speaker 1 (36:53):
Want, Yeah, exactly, And living with this guy who is
a slob and is smoking all the time and and
it's taking your money is not going to help you
maintain that like that, It's not to say that you
know you will revert because of him, but it's definitely
not a great position to be in.

Speaker 3 (37:11):
And I have a theory on why this behavior has
probably started to a spiral a little bit for the Yeah,
for the friend, I mean, because it was already kind
of it was probably already kind of negative, but I
feel like now it's getting like even he's leaning into it.

Speaker 2 (37:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (37:25):
I think it's because you're taking steps to improve your life,
and a lot of times it's like money people kind
of want to stay down in the same place with
the same people.

Speaker 4 (37:36):
It was very comfortable when you were in active addiction,
and he's like no.

Speaker 1 (37:40):
One to help.

Speaker 3 (37:41):
He's not trying either, right, essentially, is what the vibe is, like, Oh,
I'm okay to do this because look he's doing it
with me. Now he's lost that partner, and he's just
like sinking further and further into these negative habits and
negative behaviors.

Speaker 1 (37:56):
And I was going to say it like before, Ope,
he's also somewhat enabling this big by giving him money
and letting him stay there, right.

Speaker 3 (38:01):
Exactly, It's even like the best situation for both of
you is to approach him with I think with care,
like you don't want to just be like get out, slob.
You're like, you're ruining my life. But it's like be like, hey,
I've noticed some changes.

Speaker 4 (38:12):
And then they're not good for you.

Speaker 3 (38:13):
Getting out of this environment, getting away from me might
be good for you, because it's like there is sort
of a reflexive effect, like when people have their own
issues and they see someone sometimes this can happen. You
see someone getting better, it almost makes them get worse
because now they're a shame. More of their the shame,
the vicious cycle of shame. Yeah, boil boy.

Speaker 1 (38:34):
I try to take care of it before she notices
or cares, but there's only so much I can do
when I'm at work so often his bathroom is something
from my nightmares, and his bedroom and living area isn't
much better. But out of sight, out of mind. She
has been patient, but he leaves dishes in the sink
for days, leaves stuff out in the kitchen, and doesn't
clean up after himself. He's like Console and Gretel. I
can see where he made the food, ate it and

(38:56):
left the dishes. He eats like a caveman, and it's
his last dish. I used to just like this when
I lived with him. Maybe not to that extreme, but yeah.
My Essa has called me multiple times while I'm at
work complaining about the mess and whatnot. I am on
her side mostly. She works twelve hour shifts like me,
and when she comes home she doesn't want to do
someone else's dishes or clean up after them. He uses
appliances and doesn't put them back or clean them when

(39:18):
he does cook, which is sporadic. I have tried to
make a section of the fridge, freezer, and pantry for
him so there is a place for everything. He never
puts things back and always has a reason for it,
like his brain doesn't work that way, or it isn't
organized the way you would do it. I get it.
My brain doesn't work that way sometimes, but I make
an effort to make it work. He is also very
careless when it comes to things. He has broken multiple things.

(39:40):
He's burned my cutting board twice by putting a hot
pan on it.

Speaker 4 (39:43):
How do you do that twice?

Speaker 1 (39:45):
Twice? Yeah?

Speaker 4 (39:45):
How do you do that twice?

Speaker 1 (39:46):
He leaves the front door unlocked, and since he has
a weird sleep schedule, he comes and goes at weird times.
I have social anxiety, and I'm not very outspoken, especially
now that I don't have alcohol to coax what I
want to stay out of me. The thing is, I
love this dude. He is my brother and more of
a family than my real family. All this crap doesn't
get to me often unless I don't get a lot
of sleep, which happens more often than not. My ESSO

(40:08):
is so sweet and has been so patient waiting for
me to say something to him since he is my bff.
Instead of talking to him, I have tried to shield
his mess from her eyes, but it only goes so far.
My ESSO complains to me, and I feel horrible because
I know her hands are tied and I'm not doing
a great job at communicating. Again, really quick pause. If

(40:29):
you want to continue to be his best friend or
have him in your life, I think the best way
to make sure of that is to not live with
him anymore.

Speaker 4 (40:38):
Well, yeah, he's gotta get out of there. You have
think here is not doing him any favors.

Speaker 1 (40:43):
Nor is it doing your friendship any favors, because you're
just going to keep presenting him and it's going to
keep getting worse and worse, and then your friendship's going
to Like I'm not saying that you need to stop
being friends with this person, you just can't live with him.

Speaker 3 (40:55):
I think the biggest thing is you need to hammer home. Hey,
you can't be waiting for SSD. You need to go
get me job. Yeah, to work exactly. And you're taking
all my money.

Speaker 4 (41:03):
You know.

Speaker 3 (41:04):
And it can be delicate if someone's being like, yeah,
but I have ADHD and I have this, and I
have that, But it's like if you have the wherewithal
to mooch off of us this entire time, and like,
I don't know, man, It's it's delicate.

Speaker 4 (41:18):
But at the same time, it's like.

Speaker 3 (41:21):
You need to try to stand on your own two feet.
If you're going to continue to expect, at least if
I was opy, if you're going to continue to expect
me to allow you to do this or to be here,
you have to show me your effort in that you
don't want to just be stuck in my basement with
no job exactly.

Speaker 4 (41:38):
Like you got to show me something.

Speaker 1 (41:40):
Yeah, my asso and I have been doing house projects
and of course I've been fronting the bill for it,
which again because I work so damn much. He has
gotten upset that we have moved stuff around and paid
for things like remodeling our bathroom. Dude, you can't get
upset when you're living for free. You're living there for free. Yeah,
this has all been stuff in common rooms or our rooms.
His basement areas and his son room remain untouched. He

(42:01):
wants to do projects and build things, but I know
he doesn't have any money and expects me to pay
for it, like for doing his bathroom, buying furniture, and
buying building supplies because he wants to make a shed
and build planters.

Speaker 4 (42:13):
His son is staying there with that's yeah, this is.

Speaker 1 (42:15):
The whole time for his son's therapy and this guy's therapy.

Speaker 3 (42:21):
That okay, I always say, think of the children. That
explains a lot more as to why has he been
so lenient with this guy. That is the final piece
of the puddle for me. That went right over my head.
I totally missed that. I don't want to threaten him
with social services or anything, but at this point, it's
like you are not capably taking care of your own child.

Speaker 1 (42:42):
I mean, he's not taking care of him.

Speaker 4 (42:44):
Got it? Show me something, Dudeta.

Speaker 1 (42:48):
I would love that, but I don't want to spend
money on stuff he will either not do correctly or
most likely not finish, and then I will have half
built things in my backyard. He tells me it upsets
him when I do stuff but not things he and
he says it's in irrational, but he's still hurts. It's
a it's Opie's place that he's paying for.

Speaker 3 (43:06):
I don't understand how you can possibly be like, I
know it's irrational, by I'm upset.

Speaker 4 (43:10):
If you know that, then shut up.

Speaker 1 (43:12):
Don't keep it yourself.

Speaker 3 (43:12):
If you know you've got an irrational problem, keep it
to yourself. It's irrational.

Speaker 1 (43:17):
Go talk to your therapist that Opie's paying for. Yeah,
this is all coming to a head because my asso
doesn't want to be married and have to be worried
about cleaning up after someone and feeling bad about doing
house projects. She doesn't want to have to ask to
do things or use things in case my bff needs
the washer or quiet time to do interviews for healthcare stuff.
She doesn't want to be a guest in her own home.

(43:38):
I get it, but I am such a schmuck and
I can't bring myself to voice these things that bother
her and ultimately me. I just wish he would become
a best version of himself and clean up and take
responsibility for himself when he is inconsiderate. So here I am,
I feel stuck. I am not hurting for money at all.
I'm actually doing super well. He still hasn't paid for
a single thing outside of some food he got me

(43:58):
a couple of times and maybe some gas, but eventually
he ends up with no money and asks if he
can borrow. Some three years, I have never asked him
for money until recently. I still have about ak and
credit card debt that I could pay off. But now
that my assoh and I are getting married, we are
joining our finances. She was appalled at how much I
have given him over the years. She didn't tell me,
but I knew that in order to make things at

(44:19):
least somewhat right, I would ask him to pay off
just that. He said that his money is coming soon,
although he has said that for about a year and
a half. Now again he can't take a job because
of disability, and when I suggested going to school and
using the GI bill so he could at least have
some money, he had excuses like didn't want to waste
his GI bill, or that his other child is in
a different state and he goes to see her every

(44:40):
couple of weeks and is gone for a week sometimes
more so, school is impossible.

Speaker 4 (44:44):
It's like, I don't want to waste my GI bill.

Speaker 3 (44:46):
I just want to waste for making my life better
and giving myself a skill, to give myself a career
and a job. I'd rather use my GI bill on
other stuff like doordashen and steam.

Speaker 1 (44:54):
Yeah, Like, what dude, how can you have like he
is so entitled? Like does the fact that he has
access to this money, access to this like plan and
stuff and instead just gonna keep riding off of Ope's
money and funds.

Speaker 3 (45:11):
It's it blows my It's like when you have a kid,
you're living with your own son too. It's like this
almost feels like it has to be like a mental
health crisis of some kind. Well it is, because there's
no way you could live like this for this long.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
I think the fact that he's on disability there is
probably and also has been, like you know, living in
Opie's basement, there's definitely some sort of mental health problem there.
When we talked about the payback, he always tells me
about all the money he will spend on the house.
Whatnot thing is, I don't want him to spend any
of that money on me. I want him to get
back on his feet. But I just want him to
pay off the little debt I have left from him,

(45:45):
Like I even paid off some of that too before
myso saw He says he should get close to sixty
K between back pay and his military disability getting increased
as well, but that is also taking a long time
to go through. God bless the VA and it's stellar
health care vets. I don't I don't even want a
lump sum. I told him he could pay like five
hundred a month so that way, if he ever has
money issues, it won't be for something I need like

(46:07):
rent for food. It is a credit card so it
can go for a bit. I just don't what to
do at this point. MYSSO is unhappy, which makes me unhappy.
I'm trying to make everything calm and take care of myself,
my s O and my BFF. That's it the op.
He is trying to take care of too many people.
You need to take care of yourself first, that's the thing.
Like you need to sort it like you've been trying
so hard to sort your own life out and you

(46:28):
were on you are on such a great track, but
you need to stop, like.

Speaker 3 (46:32):
You you should not be responsibility for this guy. Yes, yeah,
you he is not your responsibility. And I really feel
like he knows that the kids involved, and he's weaponized that.
I think, so he knows that because the kid is there,
that OP will not trk him out, because I cannot
imagine OP would have put up with this for this
long if there was not a child involved, Because what

(46:55):
do I always say, did think think of the children?

Speaker 1 (47:00):
I mean, I definitely think that child has a huge
sway on the situation. But I do think that OP
is just like incredibly like feels incredibly indebted to this
guy because of the first thing. So I feel like
there's that too.

Speaker 3 (47:14):
It'd also mentioned that because he's not he's not confrontational
at all. Yeah, and like I think that might have
played into the alcoholism a little bit because he.

Speaker 4 (47:22):
Had to make a comment about It's like it made
it easier for him to do that.

Speaker 3 (47:25):
Yeah, but it's like, yeah, this you need to have
had several hard talks with him. Yeah, and you do
need to like regardless of the child's presence. At this point,
you need to put up a hard boundary because it's
also going to be better in the long run. Getting
this guy to become responsible for himself will be better
for the kid. Yes, like having his dad just mooch

(47:47):
off of you and live in your basement forever. It's
not gonna be good for the kid because then that's
going to be his more role model and he's gonna
just become another basement bachment moucher based on Little beachera mooch,
I got a I got a called pesca chaw god
b Biseman. I want to start out, so yeah, I think, uh,

(48:09):
you need to have be like these are not negotiable
ground rules.

Speaker 4 (48:13):
This is what's gonna have to happen.

Speaker 3 (48:14):
Set them and unfunthing no matter what it leads to
you are moving out.

Speaker 4 (48:20):
Yes it doesn't lead to and then you can stay
to go. Here's the game plan.

Speaker 1 (48:25):
You need to start your own life with yours and
that does not involve your bff. I reached a tipping
point the other day as it was our dog's birthday
and it is the first year without him. All my
asso and I have been cleaning because my mother is
coming to town to meet her parents. We were having
a great time. I just asked my BFF to make
sure his area wasn't a visible mess and that my
mom was going to sleep in his son's room a

(48:46):
couple nights. His son isn't here as he has split
custody with mom. His son, my godson, is adorable and smart,
but he takes after his father. He brings food into
his room and sometimes it's in there for weeks ah
until I just randomly happened to go in there. Trash
and general mess like a little kid would typically leave,
but his dad doesn't clean up after him. The bathroom

(49:07):
that his son uses in the hallway is always a mess,
clothes and towels left everywhere. The shower faucet is always running.

Speaker 4 (49:15):
What what?

Speaker 2 (49:16):
What?

Speaker 4 (49:16):
How do you do that? What?

Speaker 1 (49:18):
You just exit the shower and you keep it going.

Speaker 3 (49:21):
You're like, somebody tell this kid how the off function works.

Speaker 1 (49:25):
Yeah, I feel like you could have that conversation with them.
You can be like, dude, you need to turn off
the shower. Yeah, when they leave, I give it a
couple of days, hoping his dad will clean it, but
he never does, or if he does, it's hard to
notice because it's still somewhat messy, and I clean it up.
My esso now has had to do it a couple
of times too. Well. The other day, I had to
do some laundry and I was in the basement, and
as I was in the basement, my ESSO asked about

(49:48):
the shower. Since my boyfriend has asked about redoing, and
there's been some mold. Oh sorry, since my bff.

Speaker 4 (49:54):
Yeah, I mean friend.

Speaker 3 (49:55):
You're housing him and paying his way like he is
your boyfriend.

Speaker 1 (49:59):
Since my the BFF has asked about redoing, and there
has been some mold issues because probably because this little
child is keeping the freaking shower running. Uh, that's probably
why you have mold issues.

Speaker 3 (50:09):
I get being non confrontational, but you can tell a
kid how the off button were.

Speaker 1 (50:14):
We turn off the shower when you're out, Okay.

Speaker 4 (50:16):
Turn it that way, and when you're done, you turn
it back. That's just it's like shower one oh one.

Speaker 1 (50:22):
Yeah, the first.

Speaker 4 (50:23):
Thing you learned.

Speaker 3 (50:24):
We'll start small. Let's look at the sink. You turn
it on, you turn it off.

Speaker 4 (50:29):
Yeah, same thing over.

Speaker 1 (50:31):
There, buddy. It's crazy how that works. We had to
deep clean it because it was bad A couple of
months ago. My ESSO did the whole thing. It looked
brand new. We just asked to make sure that it
stays clean because like it's freaking mold, no one wants that. Well,
that was a mistake. It was back to its old, moldy,
way close to what it was before we cleaned it.
I just lost it. I didn't know what it was,

(50:52):
but I snapped and everything I've been bottling up just
came out. I rant it to my ESSO about pretty
much what I'm writing here. We asked for this, and
he hasn't taken care of it. My mother is due
this week and my bff is leaving to go see
his child in a different state. He has been sleeping
and just not been around to help clean, which is fine,
but I know he's not cleaning his basement. Well. His
son's room is still packed with stuff that I ask

(51:12):
to be moved, just to the closet so my mom's
room to move around, and she isn't stepping on toys
or pieces of food, which happens every time I go
into that room. Disgusting. I just don't know what to do.
I'm lost. I love this dude. He took care of
me when I was a complete wreck slash alcoholic. He
never judged me and made sure I got care. He
reconnected myso on me. I just want him to succeed,

(51:32):
but this is becoming unsustainable. I am slowly losing my mind,
and sadly I had the very quick thought that maybe
I just need to have a few, not a lot,
but enough to get tipsy so I can actually talk
to him. But I know me and for an attic,
it is never just one ye a second that you
have those thoughts. He needs to go. He needs to
go because this is an unsafe environment for you if

(51:54):
you feel.

Speaker 3 (51:54):
Like you cannot present this to him physically without like
being a intense discomfort, right, like what you just did?
Write this down and present it to him. Yes, in
like a letter format. Like being confrontational can be really hard.
It's uncomfortable. It's it's not a lot of people are
comfortable with confrontation. They literally made an entire movie where

(52:15):
it's like George Clooney plays a guy whose entire job
is firing people because he's so he doesn't care, but
most people care about confronting it and anticipating a negative response,
So just write him a letter.

Speaker 4 (52:30):
If you can't do it exactly, you could put all
this in there.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
And see friends with him.

Speaker 4 (52:35):
You'll come from a place of love. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
No, I agree. I couldn't believe. I let the thought
even tickle my brain. I have lost sleep, and I
feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't turn to
my SOO because this is about him, and I can't
turn to my BFF because well, yeah, I'm coming to
the internet out of desperation. Please knock some sense into
make tell me I need a man up. Or maybe
I'm not looking at this clearly, or I am overblowing things.
Maybe I don't have his complete side of the story

(52:59):
and I'm over bearing clean freak or something that I
can't see.

Speaker 2 (53:02):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (53:03):
I want my ESSO to be happy and safe in
her home. I want my friend to not be homeless
and have a plan for his future. He helped me,
and I have gotten so far already with the weight loss,
paying off debt, making strides in my work to the
point I'm going to get a decent raise here soon.
I have completely stopped giving him money since MYSSO would
see it and if he asked. I would tell my
esso because we're a team, but she would not be

(53:23):
okay with that. He is a brilliant dude and is
writing and making games, which is cool, and he says
he'll get paid eventually, but I'm worried that this is
just another money will be here any day now kind
of thing. Lastly, when my esso and I get married,
she doesn't want a roommate and wants him to find
his own place.

Speaker 4 (53:39):
Yeah, yeah, I mean.

Speaker 1 (53:41):
Starting a life together. Of course she doesn't want that. Yes,
Hopefully when he gets that money he will be able to.
But it's been almost two years that he has said
that money is coming in. I don't want him to
be homeless, nor do I want his son to not
have a place to stay. His son, they've joined custody.
His mom will take the sun.

Speaker 4 (53:58):
Like that maybe the sun what? No, I was gonna
make a joke.

Speaker 3 (54:03):
It's just like the son is like I refuse to
live with my mom full time.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
I can't do it. No, But like the if this
comes to it, and like the dad doesn't have a
safe place to live or whatever, the courts won't like
the courts will just give the custody to the mom,
which sucks, but maybe that'll shock this guy into like
getting a job, and I am sure it will make
the shared custody get things a mess since he won't
have a place of residence.

Speaker 4 (54:26):
Exactly.

Speaker 1 (54:26):
All I see when I try to get up the
courage to say something is my buddy who took me
in and helped when I needed help out on the streets.

Speaker 3 (54:33):
When I can clearly help them, well, I don't know
about that, but you can't.

Speaker 1 (54:37):
That's the thing. Like maybe monetarily you can help them,
But the thing, I just don't think that you are
in a headspace right now to help.

Speaker 3 (54:44):
This guy like defectively, Your quote unquote help is like
you're helping him like prop up the lifestyle he's had
that has put.

Speaker 4 (54:53):
Him in this bad position.

Speaker 3 (54:54):
Yeah, you're helping him maintain where he's at, which is
not where he should want to be.

Speaker 1 (54:59):
No, I have plenty of rooms, space and money, but
I also realized that I work my butt off for
that money and keeping the house clean, and I want
to enjoy it. I worked hard for this. I want
to work less and just hang out with myso and
be a hermit in my own house. My asso doesn't
pay much other than groceries, which we also sometimes buy
stuff for him, because why not. I pay for almost

(55:20):
everything myself, so this house is mine and mine alone
in terms of responsibilities. But now that my ASO and
I are getting married, she will be on the mortgage,
which is pretty much paid for, so she offered to
just pay utilities and buy grocery for us. She doesn't
make as much as I do, so I don't expect
her to split it fifty to fifty, but it was
nice of her to offer any help. Now, I see

(55:40):
this as unfair, as my bff has not paid for
pretty much anything in the house. I even bought him
a new computer that was like two K so he
could work.

Speaker 3 (55:48):
Oof, that's not going to get used for work. That's
gonna get used for games, buddys.

Speaker 1 (55:55):
Although I have gotten home from a long day of work,
he says he hasn't done anything but play games while
I stare at the dishes in the sink. Help me.
I know this sounds like a rant of a crazy person,
and I seriously feel like I am. I am torn
because I can see how insane and just unfair this
all is for everyone. But I just don't have the
mental capacity and capability to do anything about it. I
never thought I would question my sobriety, but here we are,

(56:18):
and it's because I can't communicate without thinking I am
saying something wrong, so I just shut up and let
it boil. I was going to see my therapist again
since I had a weak moment, but I don't know
when I will have a chance to do so. Since
I'm working and going to school for my bachelor's my
time is thin, and any time I do have off,
I just want to spend happy time with my SOO,
but it is often overshadowed by things that my BFF

(56:39):
does that is either inconsiderate or puts us in an
awkward position. Since my ESSO and I have a hard
time saying no to helping people, but we'll never say
no to you. Joining us live every weekda at three
PMPSD on YouTube.

Speaker 4 (56:49):
Facebook and TikTok never never never.

Speaker 1 (56:51):
Just taper profile probably live right now.

Speaker 4 (56:53):
Maybe you should go check or I after we finish.

Speaker 1 (56:55):
This story and there is a little bit left to
this story. Yep, I think I agree with you. I
think op he's having a hard time verbalizing this to
his friend, in which case I think you just got
to write it out and put those feelings down of like,
I love you, but I have questioned my sobriety. I am,

(57:16):
you know, not doing well. I want to have a
life and a home with my partner, and I think
it's time that you move out. I will always be
there for you, but I just I can't do it
in this way.

Speaker 4 (57:28):
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 (57:29):
I just had a really great idea, I think, but
yes time, you do need to be able to feel
I mean, and if you, and most of all, if
you feel like your sobriety is in any way jeopardized
by this guy being here. He needs to be gone
yesterday and he needs to know about that, and he
should care about that because, like you said, he was
there for you when you were in the thick of
it and he was trying to help you. So if

(57:51):
you voice that to him, maybe that will maybe snap
him out of it and be like, oh, I'm actually
such a negative force on you right now.

Speaker 4 (57:59):
Yeah, it's okay. I don't want I don't want to
be that person.

Speaker 3 (58:02):
Hopefully, and if that still doesn't work, man, sometimes you
just got to give people the cold water.

Speaker 4 (58:07):
And the thought that I had is what if we
did that.

Speaker 3 (58:11):
I mean, not not that, but it's like it's like
somebody's like, I don't know how to tell somebody something
like awkward. So we record, like we call and they
call us, and we call him. We're like, hey, we
do like something he needs to tell you. Actually, yeah,
we do the radio show host thing. Yeah, well there,
And I'll be upfront about this. This is inspired by

(58:32):
a guy who I guess i'll signal blast because his
name is John Breaks bad News.

Speaker 4 (58:36):
It's very it's so funny. It's great.

Speaker 1 (58:39):
If we break up with I already I already proposed
to someone for someone.

Speaker 4 (58:42):
Oh yeah, yeah, so you've already done the proposal.

Speaker 1 (58:45):
Let's do this.

Speaker 3 (58:46):
Let's do the breakup stuff. You need someone to break
up with, we'll break up with it. Let us know
if you want maybe do that. We're workshopping ideas.

Speaker 1 (58:54):
Someone so really likes you, really appreciates the time that
you guys have together. It's not working out though, Yeah, yeah,
I mean in a healthy way. Probably you should have.

Speaker 4 (59:04):
That conversation, sure, but in a way that's really a
really fun way. Yeah for us.

Speaker 1 (59:10):
Yeah, I know I need to talk to him, but
where do I begin? When we talk, I feel like
he has an answer or excuse for everything, and I
just have to be patient with him. But it's been
three years. I want to see the light at the
end of the tunnel. But because he is always changing
plans or seeing his kids, and I'm either working, cleaning, cooking,
or sleeping, it is hard to sit down and actually talk.

(59:32):
When we do, I am exhausted and just want to
talk about fun stuff, like what he's writing about or
some jokes that we saw on Reddit. This post is
super specific, and I am sure he will see it.
He is the smartest dude I have ever had the
pleasure of knowing, so he can easily make the mental leave.
I am honestly just hoping this gets buried and he
doesn't see it, because then I will have to address
this post with him. This post is too long, and

(59:53):
I am sure maybe hope he needs.

Speaker 4 (59:54):
That, though yeah, I was like you should maybe.

Speaker 1 (59:57):
Honestly, this post is too long and I'm sure no
one will read it, but I needed to get this
out as it has been eating me alive. I gotta
post this because I'm posting on my phone and I
wrote so much. I don't want to lose this. I
am horrible with technology. I am a boomer at heart.
I guess any advice would be helpful, or maybe a
fresh perspective that isn't someone directly involved in this. Like

(01:00:18):
I said, I might be overreacting or just nail in general,
but I need to know if you took the time
to read this, thank you. And that is the end
of that story.

Speaker 4 (01:00:26):
You're welcome. Ope, you're welcome.

Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
But yeah, no, you're not overreacting.

Speaker 4 (01:00:30):
No, if anything, you're under You're after.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
Reacting very far, yeah, far far under the reaction that
you should be having.

Speaker 3 (01:00:38):
Man, And we've I think we've pretty much laid out
exactly what you should do.

Speaker 1 (01:00:44):
Yeah, this is the game plan. The game plan is
hopefully one of the allfully finds this reddit post and
then you don't even have to like start the conversation.
The reddit post starts the conversation, or you write it
out and you give it to him. Yeah, that is
the end of this episode. So if you love us,
make sure this subscribe

Speaker 4 (01:01:00):
We love you, and see it tomorrow.

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