Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is intergalactic John, This is Alien Sam on the
International Oka Storytime podcast station.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
And we have some human stories coming up, not alien.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
But before we make a landing, stick around for this
two minute not alien ad break before we get to
these interstellar stories. My fiance just proposed I told him
to get me a new ring.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
If he liked it, he should have put a.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Good ring on it. M clarification.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
So I female twenty six and my now fiance, male
twenty nine have been together for a year and a
half now. After years of trying and failing on online dating,
I was determined that I would meet someone in person
to succeed in dating. However, some friends at work convinced
me one day to make a profile on Facebook dating, oh,
which I didn't even know was a thing at the time.
(00:47):
As God would have it, he is the very first
person I matched with.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
The first person that you match with on Facebook dating
can't be that good.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
You know. What they say first is the word best,
the we're best? Yep, I don't think I've heard that one.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yes, from the moment we started talking, things just came
so naturally between us. By the way, this comes from
Total Present seventy forty three on the r slash Charlotte
de Bray YouTube subreddit, and if you want to submit
your own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime
subreddit and send them in. So a year and a
half later, our families have met and fallen in love
with each other.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Families fell in love with each other, m how.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
In love our friend groups have merged. I can never
see us going back to how it was before. He's
the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Well, that's nice. It's gonna work out for her to
get me. They're gonna get married. This is it so like,
there's there's no more. This is the person that you
spend the rest of their life with. No what. Something's
gonna happen. And something's gonna happen.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
That's all I gotta say.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Now onto some content. Before addressing the issue before the
first year of our relationship, he was convinced that he
would not propose Slash get married to me without at
least two years of dating for that.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
That's fair. That's fair, Jesus fair, that's very reasonable.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
After talking about it further, he confessed that he had
a negative view of marriage due to how he grew up.
His mom had been through two previous marriages. She was
on the third by the time that we had started dating.
She's happily married now to her third. But in his eyes,
marriage meant that the relationship would eventually deteriorate. He said
he saw this in his biological and first stepfather. They
stopped loving and caring for his mom like they would
(02:20):
before they were married. So his thought was that once
we got married, he would do the same and hurt me,
slash us.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
Ah.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
But you see, this is kind of a causation correlation
thing because the fact that the relationships failed wasn't because
they got married. It's because they were bad at the relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
This kind of feels like saying, like one time I
saw a man not have water and become dehydrated. Therefore
I am going to be dehydrated. Yes, but guess what, Sophia, No,
not today. You can hydrate, brother, So you can hydrate
and you can migrate your feelings back to your partner
because you will stay in love with them.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
I made it work. So it took us working through
it and.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Counseling and him seeing my parents' relationship to get him
to open up. And see that marriage can be beautiful
and a true partnership. I was thrilled when he began
opening up more and was willing to discuss our possible
wedding once slash desires, and our plans for our future
together now. During this time, we went to our state fair.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Never go to a state's fair now.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
It's something that he never grew up doing, whereas I
went every year as a child, so I wanted I
had to share it with him. This was our second
time going, so he knew the place that he wanted
to hit first, and this included the convention center. Vendors
usually set up here from local businesses. They advertise and
sell their stuff with Southern charm. As we were pursuing
the stalls, we came across a jewelry stand and I
started trying on rings of every design just to get
(03:40):
an idea of what I liked. I told him the
whole time that if he felt uncomfortable, we could walk
away and I would not press the issue. But he
was a trooper and he let me try on all
the rings I wanted to my heart's content. After about
ten minutes, I came across a ring that reminded me
of my great grandmother's vintage style with a princess cut
in the middle and a matching wedding band see picture included.
(04:01):
It was only eighty five dollars since it was stainless
steel with cupid sarconium stones. This will be important later,
I promise, and also icee you, Oh, I don't think
I see you.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
He's gonna get like a ten dollars ring from unnamed corporation.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Time goes on and out of the blue, A couple
of months ago, my mom starts taking me for a
girl's day every two weeks.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
To get lunch and get her nails done.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
I was suspicious, so I asked her and she told
me the truth.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Why sorry, continue.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
He was planning to propose some point in the near future.
He had spoken to her about getting her in my
father's blessing, and she was determined to make sure that
I had pretty nails quote unquote for when he did
pop the question. I wasn't allowed to know when it was,
so we started getting our nails done in February so
that way I would not know when it was coming,
and honestly.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Okay, this meant I got time to spend with my mom,
just the two of us, and his proposal would still
be a.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Surprise, and boy was it now.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Something to I know about my fiance is he is
a very introverted and private man whenever it comes to
big emotions and talking about our feelings. It is something
to be done just the two of us, without a
crowd to see, and his proposal reflected just that. We
came home from grocery shopping, made dinner together in the
kitchen like usual, and then he went to the bedroom
and comes back with a big bouquet of some flowers,
my favorite, and asked if I would be his sunflower forever.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I'm where's your reaction?
Speaker 4 (05:26):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (05:26):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (05:26):
I oh, Peace seems to like this? Does it read
like a high school prom proposal? Hey, little Peace seems
to like it, and that's all that matters.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
So I of course said yes and began to cry
as he swept me in his arms and the ring
in the box, the ring I bought at the state
fair that brought me to tears. He had gotten it
from my mom, who snuck in from my doorbox to
get it cleaned after slipping it on my hand, taking
a few pictures and a few extra kisses. We called
my parents to share the news with them. They invited
us on a date night they were having the next
(05:57):
night to celebrate and show off the ring. Now the
moment we've been waiting for now here is where the
surprise continued.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
But the issue arose mom and Dad's date night. Total bs,
they're divorced. Oh god.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
It turned out to be a giant gathering of my
family and his and all of our friends together to
celebrate TUO lovely?
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Is this good? Bad?
Speaker 4 (06:19):
No?
Speaker 2 (06:19):
That was nice? So far right?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
They've been planning this party just as long as he
had been planning the proposed I walked into a receiving
line of about twenty three excited guests offering congratulations and
asking to see my ring.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Among them my future sister in law.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Now, she is a very nice girl, but I will
say she is a bit materialistic. She likes her clothes
and her purse is high end, and she was always
looking to humble brag whenever she gets a compliment on them.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
She looked at my ring and squealed, oh, it's so beautiful.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
But after a couple of seconds of her looking at
it closer, she openly stated, Oh, I guess you don't
care about real diamonds, do you.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
I guess you.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Don't care about keeping your mouth shut but mining your
own dang biz.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
If op wants to be gifted a ring that she
already bought and was then stolen from her, that is
her right.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
No comment on it. She loves it, She loved it
and cried.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Because she picked it out and bought it.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Did she fund her so fie the.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Mat, of course, So to say my flabbers were gasted
would be an understatement. Thankfully I was the only person
who heard it, since we were somewhat away from the
group and thankfully away from my fiance. I explained to
her that I didn't care about an overly expensive ring
with real diamonds, and that it was the ring that
made me happy. She said, well, as long as you're
happy with all the fake Southern.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Charm that I know all too well from growing up. Now.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
At the time, I didn't let it get to me
and I enjoyed the rest of the evening.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
But now, a week after the proposal, I don't know
what to think.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I talked it over with my mom, and I guess
what irks me more than anything. Isn't the fact that
it doesn't have real diamonds. It's the fact that I
bought my own engagement rank.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
Yeah, she'd recue a little bit.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Sophia, are you telling me? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Is what you're saying right now is if a woman
buys a ring for herself, then her partner steals that
ring and gives it back to her and making sure
not to refund her Yeah, you're telling me that night
that might not be a cash money move, and it.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Just might not be. It just may not be a chance.
I'm shocked. Wow, this is so trull. I like it so.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I know that my fiance was trying to be a
romantic and use the ring that reminded me so much
of my great grandmother's.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
And to be honest, I do love this ring.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
However, I picked it out and paid for it, not
thinking of it as an engagement ring. I'm a bit
of a traditional girl, and I do think that a
man should pick out the ring, even if he needs
a little help to know what designs to look for.
For context, we are currently saving money to buy a
house after we get married in October of this year.
We have about ten thousand dollars saved so far, with
my parents offering to match whatever we have by October first,
(08:53):
so we can put that as a down payment on
a house of our choosing. Now, if you were to
get me a new ring, I definitely would not want
something that would break our savings. It could be stainless
steel in cubic zarconium, just like the one I'm wearing now,
or of course it could be white gold and moistnite
to save money.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
I hope I said that right.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I'm not a materialistic girl by any means, so I
am ready to accept any and all judgment for this.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
But would I be the a hole if I asked
my fiance to get a new ring. We have an
update with Sofia Ooh, we gotta talk.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
The thing is, I don't think that Opee is necessarily
the a hole for a feeling this way, because I
think a lot of people in the comments are saying, like,
why didn't she bring it up in the first place
if she was, you know, if she was feeling this way,
like she seems to have changed her mind. But I
do think probably she was overcome with emotion and was like,
oh my god, I'm getting proposed to, and she's like,
(09:42):
I did like the ring, but now it's reflecting on it,
which is you know, when most of our thoughts happen
is when we reflect on something, we realize, oh, actually
that does kind of irk me, Like I paid for
that ring.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Yeah, you didn't even give me money for that ring.
You know. I think that she's right to have those feelings.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
I you don't know necessarily how she would approach the
conversation though, because I think you would have to do
it carefully.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Yeah, I mean, I think you know, we've been we've
been giggling and goofing.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
The whole time. But I think it's she is well
within her right to to not want that.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I do not think it is an unreasonable ass And
you know what I mean, she could be she could
be honest and that like, hey, initially, maybe it's just
she was so happy over the over the proposal, she
kind of didn't like really register, But now that she's
kind of had like a few days to sit in process,
it's that feeling is kind of like, I feel like
that's a fair like approach it.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
I mean, even approaching it from the kind of mindset
of hey, I was so excited to Yeah, like by
the idea of marrying you that I didn't even think
about this, and I still am so excited. I just,
you know, have been thinking about the ring a little
bit now.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah, we need more than eighty five dollars. Maybe I
just well eighty I mean, the thing is there. It
was zero dollars. Yes, more than zero dollars. More than that.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
That's the problem.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
You went through no money spent. But ladies and gentlemen,
we have an update.
Speaker 4 (11:04):
Woo.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Let us get into it.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
First off, I want to thank all of you for
giving me the much needed dose of reality.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
Sorry for yelling. You guys were totally right.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
If I loved the ring before showing it to anybody,
then why the heck should I care what other people think?
And why would I let a materialistic snob get inside
my head. I was definitely letting her get under my
skin with her comments when I really should have just
shut her out. I also love what a lot of
you suggested about waiting until a year or more to
replace the ring on one of our anniversaries. After all,
we have been working so hard to save up our
(11:33):
money for a place to live, and that is much
more important to me than having to ring. Now onto
the drama that has unfolded since the first post. After
reading a lot of y'all's comments and responses, I decided
I was going to tune out my future sister in
law's negativity.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
And love my ring for all its beauty.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
I wasn't even going to bring it up to my fiance,
especially since I didn't want to cause a rift between
them and have him look at his sister in a
negative light. However, he ended up coming to me about
her comments. It turns out that she ended up texting
him a couple of nights ago about my ring. From
what he told me, she was asking him why he
proposed too soon since he was going to wait longer originally,
(12:10):
and why didn't he propose with the real stone, and
if he was too cheap to spoil me with the
real deal.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Dang, she's got things to say.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
And it's like, we do we need to say these things?
I known't, No, we don't need to say any things.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
It's it's not our business. Yeah, come on, I couldn't
believe it. I thought it was one thing to say
something to me, woman to woman, and maybe we could
just let it go from there, but.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Oh boy, I had no idea she would go to
her brother with such ugly comments.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Needless to say that he was fuming at this point
when retelling the story to me something to know about
my fiance. He is the least confrontational person I know.
He has always wanted to try and talk it out
with someone before it can escalate into a fight. However,
he is fiercely loyal and a protective man. Anytime anybody
has ever said anything negative to me or about or
our relationship, he has always been swift to defend me
(12:59):
and us at any come. So he texted back, why
would you even say something like that? Since when did
it matter to you whether or not I gave her
a diamond? I don't recall you guys being best friends
and her sharing her opinions with you, because if she had,
you would know that she doesn't care about having a
real stone or not.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
She's not like you, and she doesn't need anything flashy
or expensive to know that I love her.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
He's like, yes, that's true. Mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Her response to this text message, sister in law says.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
Wait the do the big mouth voice?
Speaker 2 (13:29):
They hate the voice? They hate it. I like it.
I don't know, just do it for the Oh my gosh,
I'll do it. Oh my gosh. There's the only need to
be a sol dramatic.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
I'm just saying every girl deserves to know that she
is valued in the eyes of her man. After all,
I know that's what Dr David, her boyfriend of four years,
would do for me if he ever proposed.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Well, guess what he asn't d for? Dump you not.
Here's where maybe he was possibly the a hole.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
He shot back, Oh really, because I seem to remember
you complaining for the past year and a half about
how he's never brought up the topic of marriage.
Speaker 5 (14:06):
Burns.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Seems to me you're so wrapped up in my engagement
because you know that David will never propose to you.
You might want to think about that the next time
you try to say something witchy to me or my fiatic.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Dany sister's gonna need some alovera for that burn is
that's a third degree?
Speaker 2 (14:24):
That is toasty skin.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
OUCHI, sweet baby Jesus, I could have married him right
there on the spot. I was so proud of him
for putting her in her place. Well, what happened next
was unexpected. Sister in law went silent, no responses, no comebacks.
He didn't hear back from her, But the next day
she called me and dang, did I not expect what
(14:47):
she said?
Speaker 2 (14:47):
She apologized to me, what shock here? We are? People
are growing.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Sometimes people get red the rights and they go, wow,
shouldn't have done that.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
You're correct, she said what my fiance said about her
and David. She realized that she was being a witch
and didn't mean it as a dig towards me.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
She said.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Before I came over, she was trying to hint at
David about now that her brother and I were engaged,
that it would be their turn soon enough. Apparently David
didn't take the hint, which pissed her off, and when
I came over, she saw my ring and got even
more pissed. She apologized again, saying she was pushing her
jealousy and hurt onto me, and she hoped I could
forgive her.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
Forgive or not, Sophia, Absolutely, I think if someone comes
to you with a genuine apology and says, you know,
I realized that it was my own kind of insecurities
about my relationship and I should have never done that. Absolutely,
I would forgive you know because I mean, they made
some nasty comments. But we read so many stories where
people make nasty comments and they get called out on.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
It and then they double down.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Yes, the fact that I'm owning up to your mistakes
and owning up to being wrong is so hard, Like
that is something that I struggle with, Like it is
hard to do. So if you have a p in
your life who does that, absolutely, I think you know
I would accept that apology.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
By the way, if you want to forgive yourself for
not listening to every single podcast episode we've ever published,
I have one thing you need to do right now.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
What is it?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Or I will be the most furious human that has
ever been birthed on this earth. Furiosa coda, Spotify, Apple
or iHeart search. Okay, story time and listen to over
two thousand episodes of our podcast. But Sofia, right before
we get into this ending of the story, I mean, uh,
kind of cute, kind of good, so far right, wrong, Josh,
(16:34):
kind of great, wrong, Joe.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
I think everyone in the freaking Reddit comments and also
her husband's like lashing out at or her fiances lashing
out at her at his sister has made op forget
what the real problem is here.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
It's all right, he's storring, dude. We completely forgot about it.
Speaker 4 (16:54):
Just been gas lit into thinking that she was wrong
for having like doubts about that.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
What this is crazy, sopey says.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
I told her I'd absolutely forgive her and that I
was sorry that David.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Was such a clueless dummy loll dang David catching strays.
I also suggested she sit.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Down with David and have a real conversation about their
future and when slash if he thought he would propose
to her. She agreed, apologize one more time, and then
we said goodbye. So there you have it. We worked
it out with sister in law. I'm back to loving
my ring for all its beauty.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
She's gassling herself.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
I don't believe you and I have a fiance no
longer a boyfriend who I adore and who adores me
as well.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
Maybe what upgrade my ring in the future. But okay, okay,
She's like.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Maybe maybe in the future he'll buy me a ring.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I don't know. I don't care.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
All that matters is that we love each other. It's true,
and we are happy.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
This is true. This is true. But are you happy
are you.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
My brother's wife is cheating on him. I don't know
how to tell.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Him you're cheating.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
My little bro has been married to his wife for
five years. They've been together since they were fourteen and fifteen.
The relationship has always been fairly rocky in that they
fight a lot and she has quite serious, so far
undiagnosed mental health issues, possibly bipolar, but not sure. They
are in huge amounts of debt because she has crazy
spending habits and basically can't afford to live because they're
(18:20):
paying off literally dozens of loans and credit cards. By
the way, this comes from Nymphidora eighty five, and if
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash Okay storytime Separate it.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
So.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
I am good friends with my sister in law. We
chat a lot. She trusts me and I try to
support her in getting help for her mental health problems,
but she struggles to actually get help. Slash is convinced
that she's fine as the world around her burns to
the ground.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
She met a colleague.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Twenty four male at a new job just under a
year ago and basically fell in love with him, and
later turned out he fell.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
In love with her. Oh.
Speaker 3 (18:55):
She started out saying it wasn't a problem. They could
be friends and colleagues, et cetera. It started to get
worse when they joined a gym together and basically spent
every night at the gym.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
It's Riley's worst nightmare. Then she'd go.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
Back to his flat, shower and change, and they'd hang
out and eventually she'd head home. It progressed to them
spending every waking moment together while my brother works two
jobs trying to pay back all the debts. If you
saw their Facebook profiles, you'd assume they were a couple.
And this is just going on and no one's stopping it.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Dude. Yeah, and they and the guys. He's working two
jobs to try and pay off all her debts. He's
probably not even looking at Facebook. He has no time.
It's too busy. Wow.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
She confided in me a few months back that they'd
almost had spicy sleep and she wanted to but they
didn't have protection. Oh, I would, so I should have
spoken to my brother back then. But the next time
I speak to her a day or so later, she says,
her and brother have had a big makeup. All is
right with the world. New guy's history, et cetera. So
I drop it.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
No, no, no, Dan.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
I mean, I don't know what OP and her brother's
relationship is, but but I'm not keeping If if my
brother had a partner like this, I'd be like, uh no,
I've already told him. Yeah, like I told him yesterday.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Dude, Yeah, that's that is not tenable.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Then a few days ago, she tells me all that
was a lie. Her and Bro have never made up.
She literally hasn't even spoken to him about it. He's
just ignoring the whole situation and hoping she'll see sense
and ditch the new guy. BRO told me that he
trusts her. He just doesn't trust new guy. But I
know that it's her that he shouldn't be trusting, as
she orchestrated the whole thing, by her own admission, and
(20:31):
every time new guy says they should break it off
because she's married, she ropes him back in by her
own admission. I asked her if they'd had spicy sleep.
She said no, but they've done other stuff.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
She's full cheated. She she's full cheated. She's full cheated.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Ye, and she's being so blase about it, right And this,
and this also could be trickle truth thing too, so
it could be even more than what she's admitting to.
Speaker 3 (20:54):
Absolutely, and the fact that Opie is not divulging this
information immediately to her brother is mind boggling.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
We got we gotta do that asap.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
I got the impression she was lying, even if it
were just other stuff. When I asked her what that meant,
she said, oral hands kissing. Oh, He's like, I got
the impression she was lying.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
Who cares? Who cares?
Speaker 3 (21:17):
She just admitted that they did all that, but she's
she's like, oh, I didn't.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
I just I just did other stuff. She's like, she
still didn't go all the way. So it's not cheating.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, it's just it's just other stuff, you know, Like
it's just it's okay, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
I know.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
My brother would still see that as cheating. Anyone would
see that with cheating.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
That is literally cheating.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Anyone with eyes would see that is cheating.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Guys.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
There are other major issues apart from the cheating in debt.
For example, he desperately wants a family cheat is not,
but will continue to tell him in a few years
to keep him hanging on, even though she has set
herself for me that she does not want children at all.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
They're at a point.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
In life where they will need to move houses within
the next three to six months. From a logistics slash
finance POV, if they're going to separate, it would make
sense to do so before investing in a new place
to live. We have space for my bro, and he's welcome.
She has already said to me that she would move
in with a new guy if they did separate. I
love both my brother and I did love my sister
(22:18):
in law. I can see that this is crushing my bro.
But he's not one to confide in people or share problems.
I mean, neither are you, h I can see that
I will lose my friendship with sister in law over this.
Why would you want to be friends with her?
Speaker 2 (22:33):
But my brother comes first? Yeah, after like six to.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Ten business days, I realized over the last few months
that my sister in law is not a nice person.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
I'm not sure if I want to stay friends with
her after all this.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Anyway, I just have no idea how to tell him this,
and even whether or not he'd believe me. I fear
he will withdraw and hide away once he knows that
I know about their marriage problems. I'm stuck in the
middle of a situation where whatever happens, everyone's hurting, and
I don't even know if I should intervene, let alone
how I should. I think I should intervene, but I
guess I need confirmation from you guys that it's the
(23:07):
right thing to do before I go and bugger everything up. Edit. Sorry,
I don't think my post was very clear. I only
got the full picture and knew for definite she was
cheating yesterday the incident six to eight weeks ago. She
told me that she had confessed an emotional affair to bro,
they'd made up and everything was okay. At the time,
I had no reason to think she was lying about that. Also,
(23:27):
some relevant context that I realized I should have added
to explain why this is hard for me to know
I'm doing the right thing and why I needed validation.
I got personally blamed by my crazy, armful mother for
my parents' divorce, even though their issues began before I
was born and it literally wasn't my fault. A part
of me is scared that I'm going to get accused
again of breaking up a marriage for craps and giggles.
(23:47):
Although my brother knows our mom is crazy, he's not
very open with stuff, so I don't know for certain
that a part of him doesn't believe I'm the cause
of our parents' divorce. And even if only a little
part of him does, deep deep down, he might think
I'm just doing the same to him and his wife.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Growing up with a harmful parent throws out all of
your normal when it comes to relationships. Since me needing
normal people to tell me what to do, Thanks for
all the advice so far, And there is another edit
that is longer so we can add an update.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Oh but before we get into those two of my thoughts.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
John oh Man, so many thoughts. Just to quickly address
what they just said. Any parents that make their child
think that the divorce was the child's fault is the
worst people ever, worst people. That's just number one. Opia
has had the misfortune of being surrounded by not good people. Yeah,
but back to the issue at hand. Yeah, like, not
(24:45):
only should you be talking to your brother, but it's
like it seems the brother is just like okay, yeah,
I'll just like ignore it and hope it goes away.
And it's like dude, Like it's only gonna get worse.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
Yeah, if you baring his head in the sand.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Yeah, And you know what I it seems like he's
very you know, non confrontational, and like I do get
the it's like this isn't his mess, and you know
he's maybe like afraid to bring it up and he's
the victim in this scenario. But at the end of
the day, like it's all just gonna be worse.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
It's all there. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
You're just putting a rug over poop.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Yeah, and that's stinky. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Soon she's gonna make your house smell terrible. Yeah, let's
get into this edit edit too. Just want to add
some further clarification as I'm getting a lot of comments
misunderstanding when I knew information from my fault, not commenter's.
The timeline is confusing. Two months ago, sister in law
and I were talking and she told me the extent
of her and new guy's emotional affair. This came up
because Bro, I'd found text messages between them telling each
(25:42):
other they loved each other. Apologies for missing this fact
as it's important to the timeline. So we knew about
this before I did A day later, I ask her
what's happening, because I spent the night before telling her
she and BRO should separate if this is not what
they want, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
And she to an extent agreed.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
But then she told me her and Bro had had
a big heart heart, had made up, and when I
asked about New Guys, she said he was not a problem.
So I took that to me and she dumped him in.
At the time, I had no reason to think she
was lying. I mentioned this in a comment, but not
in the original post, as I didn't feel it was relevant,
But now I think it explains why I didn't.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
Take any further action.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
Right then, I was massively preoccupied with losing oh oh
a pregnancy. Two now three days ago, I had massive
conversations with her that started about her health issues. She
told me then that all the crazy spending was part
of her issues, and it was a lot worse than
they'd ever made out before. They both said it was
just because of an educational private loan for a master's
(26:39):
and that she was doing it on purpose. I had
no idea of this before two days ago. She also
divulged all the info about new guy, and when I
asked about her and bro making up two months ago.
She admitted she lied and she hadn't even spoken to
him since then. Twenty four hours ago, I saw both
of them together, and something my brother said assured me
that she was not lying about what she told me,
(27:00):
and she was really cheating. I also realized that she'd
been using me as another risk take and playing games
with me. I am pissed. I am not on her side.
I am one hundred percent with my brother. I have
every intention of telling him. I've arranged to see him today.
I just needed advice on how to tell him, which
I have got. So thanks and there is an update.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
WHOA.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
So I've spoken to my brother. I was literally so nervous.
I felt sick, but it actually was a lot more
okay than I expected. He'd guess something was up. I
was worried about her being there, so I told him
I needed help with my car. Immediately apologized for basically
kidnapping him under false pretenses and told him everything I knew.
Sister in law had already told him that she'd lied
to me to see if I would betray her and
(27:42):
tell him She's like, I tested you and you bailed.
He saw through that and knew she was lying. You
didn't know the full extent of their affairs, So I
told him everything she'd told me, plus the additional info
about her not wanting children and the debt stuff. He
didn't know that she didn't want children and was understandably.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
By the way.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
I'd be hurt if you didn't listen to full episodes
with stories just like this, so hurt. Just go to Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, or iHeart Radio and search a poky story time.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
But let's finish this all. Go.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
He's going to have a talk with her and see
what she says. He said, if she tells the truth
about everything and ends it with a new guy, he
could possibly see forgiving her and moving on. Oh, I
told him, I thought that was a mistake.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
It's true.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Due to the children and debts, and the fact that
she won't accept help Slash take medication for her mental
health issues means that even without the affair, his future
with her is, in my opinion, bleak and miserable. I've
told him that I'm there for him one hundred percent,
and he has a room at our house from whenever
he needs it, even if it's at three am. Or
very short notice, it doesn't matter. I told him that
(28:45):
for the meantime, I will not have any involvement with
sister in law and that there's no way I can
ever be friends with her ever again, even if they
do magically fix things and live happily ever after. Good
on UOPI I'm.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
Proud of us.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
He understood and agreed that she was a crap person.
Now all I can can do his weight and hope
that he leaves her and moved on to have a happy,
healthy life.
Speaker 4 (29:04):
Thanks everyone, And there is a third edito, I think
to really finish this off below.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
I, my husband and older brother have all been blocked
on Facebook craps going down by the by the sister
in law, I believe.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
Great.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Thanks for doing honestly, Yeah, made it easier.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Didn't have to look you up. Huh wow.
Speaker 4 (29:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:23):
I'm just hoping that the brother bites the bullet and
divorces her.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
I am because because I guess too back to the
whole thing of like, oh they met when they're like
fourteen fifteen, it's like that's all you know, And I
can see the brother kind of just getting in this,
you know, the warped reality field and being.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Like, oh, well, it's like we've nothing else.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
There's nothing else, and like we've known each other like
our whole like you know, adolescent to adult lives, Like oh,
I'll just I'll just stick it out and hope for
the best.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
But yeah, it seems like he is.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Although we've teeter her on the edge, it does seem
like ultimately he's going to land on the side of not.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Being with her. I am hoping, I'm hoping fingers crossed
ladys cross, but proud of ope, yes for.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
Stuck in two per thoughts and uh saying I don't
want to ever see that sister.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
In law in my town again. She had her thoughts.
She's stuck to him. Yep. Hey it's johnyog Host here.
We're gonna get back to the stories. But here's a
quick three minute break of ass from our sponsors.
Speaker 5 (30:21):
I've been married to my husband for a month and
I just found out he's having an affair with my sister.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Short marriage, long month.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
I've been in shock since I found out. We've been
married for a month. He's been having the affair with
my sister since before we got engaged back in November.
My sister is eight months pregnant. Her husband was the
one who discovered the affair and he is divorcing her.
He had to get a test done on the advice
of his aunt who is this solicitor, to make sure
their one point five year old son was his child.
(30:51):
But my sister doesn't yet know with her husband or
my husband is the father of her baby.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
Mama, Mia, Mama, Mia, Here we go again.
Speaker 5 (30:59):
By the way, this comes from user off my Chest
Throwaway two seven to six, and if you want to
submit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay
story time subreddit. So I will be seeking a divorce
even though my husband wants us to go to counseling
and stay married.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Well, good job.
Speaker 5 (31:13):
I'm an advocate a barrister, which is some sort of
English law stuff, so I won't have any trouble finding
a solicitor. At least, the law only takes adultery into
consideration as to why the marriage broke down, and not
for how the assets are divided or settled. However, at
least I will not have to pay him support since
we were only married for a month before I moved
(31:34):
out of our flat. I will never speak to my
sister again, no matter how much she begs me to
forgive her. And I'm not staying married to my husband
no matter how much he begs me to stay. I
don't believe either of them when they say they are sorry,
not one bit, and.
Speaker 3 (31:47):
I wouldn't believe them either. I said it before and
I'll say it again. She lied to you for nine months,
nine a month.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
She's been lyon Lion. Why you always lie?
Speaker 5 (32:00):
She's always walking around those hot pants on because they're
on fire. We have some comments there before we get
into the update. Comment one, I'm so sorry for their betrayal.
I would never speak to her ever again either. Comment
to since you've only been married for a month is
an annulment, an option. So sorry for what you're going through.
Cisin Hubby are both trash. Commenter three, they are only
(32:20):
sorry they got caught OPI. This is one of the
worst ways to be cheated on. F them both. You
are better than them. I hope the kid is your
husband's so that you and your ex brother in law
don't have to be tied to these losers anymore.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
Number four.
Speaker 5 (32:33):
Op The law may limit your illegal intitlens. However, the
threat of exposure in alleging adultery and the publication of
his and your sister's adulterous acts may cause his willingness
to provide you a stipend or settlement in excess of
the customary entitlement absent that blow them both up with family, friends, acquaintances,
and social media.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
Both merit the absolute worst. Good luck to you.
Speaker 5 (32:53):
Please keep us apprized and we do have an update
ten months.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Wow months later, So baby born, baby born, Ay born,
baby Bjorn.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
Potentially, I'm really hoping that Opie is like doing great
in freakin' I don't know, Fiji living life has two
hotties on either arm and not even think about her
sister or that pathetic excuse of a man update.
Speaker 5 (33:22):
People who say you should get over it when someone
cheats on you have no idea what it's like. Last June,
I female thirty seven found out my husband, male thirty nine,
was having an affair with my twenty seven year old sister.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
I had been married for a month.
Speaker 5 (33:34):
The affair began before I was engaged. My sister's husband,
Male twenty seven, was the one who first found out.
When it was discovered, my sister was about eight months
pregnant with a baby girl and it turned out my
ex husband.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Is the father. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
I mean they said that she was eight months pregnant,
and I think they said the fair began like nine
months ago. Yeah, that timing is is timing up not
looking good for them and clearly proven proven right. Oh,
apparently he was furious when he found out because he
didn't want children.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Too freaking bad.
Speaker 3 (34:06):
Ope, he didn't want a cheating husband.
Speaker 5 (34:08):
So you know, my ex husband and I met in
an online dating group for people who don't want children
or to date people who have children from former relationships.
My ex husband and my sister both begged me to
forgive them. My sister said she can't help it that
she fell in love with him, and my ex husband
said he couldn't be blamed for what happened.
Speaker 4 (34:24):
Wow, they're doing a really bad job at asking for forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Yes, they're like, can you forgive us because it's entirely
not our fault, Like we couldn't help it, and it's yeah,
what was I supposed to do? Forgive me?
Speaker 3 (34:38):
I'm not apologizing, but forgive.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
Me, I'm begging. I couldn't believe they thought what they
did could.
Speaker 5 (34:46):
Be forgiven and forgot my ex husband didn't want a divorce,
and neither did my sister from my former brother in law.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Who cares what you guys want? Yeah op, says, guess
I'm divorced now? WHOA yeah shock, as you should be.
Speaker 5 (35:00):
I'm an advocate known as a barrister in the rest
of the UK, so I was fortunate to already know
the best solicitors who could represent me in my divorce.
Since I was only married for a month before I
saw the divorce and moved out of our flat, I
did not have to pay my ex husband maintenance and
the divorce did not take long. It's a different story
from my sister and my former brother in law. They
(35:20):
were married for longer, they own property, and they have
a son together who was seventeen months old when the
affair was discovered.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
My sister may.
Speaker 5 (35:27):
End up having to pay spousal and child maintenance, and
she earns more. Their divorce is ongoing. I haven't spoken
with my former brother in law since I first left
my ex husband, but I feel badly for him. He
was devastated when he found out about the affair and
the baby not being his child.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
He didn't deserve any of that.
Speaker 5 (35:42):
People who say you should just get overret When someone cheats,
you have no idea what you're talking about. I have
never felt pain like this before. It wasn't even just emotional,
it was physical as well. I'm still heartbroken over this.
I had no idea anything could hurt so much. I'm
going to start seeing a counselor it does feel like enough.
I haven't seen or spoken to my ex husband since
(36:03):
I moved out of our flat. The only contact during
the divorce was through our solicitors. He doesn't exist to me,
and neither does my sister. I haven't seen or spoken
to my sisters since shortly after I left my ex husband,
and I never want to see her again. She, for
all intents and purposes, does not exist. I don't think
i'll ever heal from this. Well, we're definitely really hurt.
(36:24):
We're in a lot of pain and it hurts real bad.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
And hope you just know you will heal.
Speaker 3 (36:29):
Yeah, it's going to take a long time, and you're
always going to have like a part of that uh
with you, but it's it's a part that's going to
protect you, and it's going to kind of help you
learn and your gandal and spot some of these red flags.
Maybe in the future, but it will heal just slowly.
Speaker 5 (36:47):
You're dan, You're just not going to be the same
person seen, just a little different. I'm fortunate my parents,
my other sister, and most of my family support me
and have disowned my traitorous sister and no longer have
contact with her. Anyone who tells me I should forgive
her or chooses her over me gets removed from my
life with no second chance. I don't ever want to
hear anything about either one of them again. From what
(37:09):
my ex husband's solicitor said during my divorce, they the
sister and my ex husband plan to marry after she
is granted a divorce.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
Okay, cool, are we not rocking with that? Right? I'm
not rocking with that? Oh man. But maybe they're like, oh,
we're having a baby.
Speaker 5 (37:27):
Oh yeah, they're like, oh, it's so exciting an exciting time.
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Well it might not even be like oh the excitement.
It might just be like, we have to get married
because we're having a baby.
Speaker 5 (37:36):
But can you imagine, like just like the Veneer over
it of everyone be like, we're.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
So excited we're having a baby. Oh, how do we
get pregnant? I'll tell you later. I'll tell you when
the kids fifteen one.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
You're older, like I'm thirty five, I'll tell you when
you're older.
Speaker 5 (37:52):
Yeah, I haven't heard anything about either one of them
since then. I try not to even think about either
of them. They were two of the people I loved
most of the world world, and they did something.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
That I'll never heal from. They are selfish and they
destroyed me.
Speaker 5 (38:04):
And anyone who says I should get over this or
forgive and forget has no idea.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
What it is like.
Speaker 5 (38:09):
And we have some comments here, uh comment one.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Thank you for the update.
Speaker 5 (38:14):
You and your brother in law are both making the
best possible decision. You're right, your ex and your ex
sister are horrible, selfish people. They hurt so many and
do whatever you can to protect your peace and mental health.
I'm so sorry they did this to you. Honestly, I'd
recommend blocking anyone who says you need to forgive them
and move on. No, you don't. You may, at some
point in the future need to explore forgiveness from the
(38:35):
point of view of easing the weight on your heart.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
Were we all paying attention, That's.
Speaker 5 (38:41):
What we do, but don't you don't I mean, process
it at your own rate, but I think we should
do that like real fast, as fast as possible, lessen
the weight in your own heart space. Don't feel pressure
to offer forgiveness to either of them. Nope, I wish
you the best of luck in the future. I'm entered
two guarantee. The only reason sister's marrying the ex at
(39:03):
this point is because he's all she has since she's
been disowned by the entire family.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
It's a marriage of convenience.
Speaker 5 (39:09):
Something tells me that's going to be one toxic relationship
as I'm sure there'll be resentment there from both of them,
and they'll have no one to blame but themselves. All
I can say for the ex who never wanted kids comment,
While I feel for the kid, I hope the kid
doesn't grow up with parents that resent him. They don't
deserve that.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Comment. To three, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 5 (39:27):
Never mind your ex, what a betrayal from your own sister,
couldn't even imagine. Number four, Do something really special for yourself,
like a trip, an activity, a shopping spree, whatever it
is you deserve, whatever small joys you can find.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
As much as it hurts think about them together.
Speaker 5 (39:42):
Her just having had a baby, and he gets distant
or angry or aloof she will forever be looking over
her shoulder, wondering if he's cheated. She deserves to live
in that misery. They might stay together, but they'll be miserable.
And by the way, you'll never be miserable. If you
take your thumbs and you mosey on over to your
podcast platform of choice, take them over, be it Spotify
(40:05):
or iHeartRadio or Apple Podcasts.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
And you just use those little thumbs and you go.
Speaker 3 (40:09):
Poo poo poo poo poo poose those little digits, and
that's me searching.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Okay, story time, it might be a little bit hard
to use just your thumbs.
Speaker 5 (40:18):
I type with my thumb exclusively, with your thumbs exclusively
on my phone.
Speaker 3 (40:22):
Hold on, I'm genuinely blanking on how I use my phone.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
I'll have to all. Do you use the secondhand to
support it and you use your thumbs? Oh no, no,
I do use my thumbs. Everyone, It's fine, Yeah, I do. Sorry,
I just forgot how I do it. I use my thumbs.
Speaker 5 (40:37):
I'm gonna trade you here. You can take this one.
I'll take the end of that story.
Speaker 2 (40:41):
Ah, that is the end of that story.
Speaker 4 (40:45):
My wife walked away from her son. Now his fiance
wants to meet us. Walk back by the way trigger
warning or mentions of domestic violence. So if you know yourself,
please exit if that's gonna get to you. So I
thirty two met my wife, Aisha thirty eight female, nine
years ago on the beach in a country where I
(41:05):
got a co op job at a software development company.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
I won't lie.
Speaker 4 (41:09):
I was an overconfident kid who approached her even though
she was clearly married. WHOA and they're with friends in
a country where things could have gone really wrong.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
Where is this going?
Speaker 4 (41:21):
Is that overconfidence or is that something else? Honestly, she
was just so beautiful and had an amazing body, and
maybe I was wrong, but I did go for her.
By the way, this comes from a collected glow and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
the ur slash Okay storytime. So I only found out
months after things developed between us. The only reason that
she let them was to use me to escape from
(41:42):
her husband. And it made sense because she only let
things get physical after she learned I would move back
home to Canada once my co op ended. She came
to Canada with me under the pretense of visiting her
aunt and pursuing the process of seeking asylum due to
domestic violence, and she stayed with me because she Long
story short, we've been married for a while now and
(42:03):
we've been talking about kids and she wants them. I
want them, and my parents want them. We were finally
about to start trying accept a situation with her sons
Afar twenty mail from her first marriage has come up.
She has not seen Safar in person she left and
hasn't talked to him in about five years. Anyway, he's
getting married in August, and even though he hasn't reached
out to Ayisha at all, his fiance, a girl named Elena,
(42:25):
has and wants to meet her when she visits family
in Canada at the end of the month. The idea
of meeting Elena has made my wife spiral. She absolutely
refuses to even consider the idea of meeting with this girl.
She will not go anywhere except work, she won't let
me touch her, and she's barely talking.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (42:43):
Today I found Aisha literally holding a framed photo of
Zafar in bed and just crying. I know she has
regrets and I know she hates the way that she
left his father, but she would.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Have been unlive to she stayed with him.
Speaker 4 (42:54):
I told her again yesterday that it wouldn't hurt to
at least meet the girl, and I'd go with her
if she needed, and she just yelled at me and
said I was being an a hole about it, and
that that part of her life is over and she
just needs to accept it. There are some comments on
this so far opia on the culture that he and
his wife are from. I am Egyptian, so while it
may not directly be my culture, it's very close. Same people,
(43:16):
same religion, different desert. I understand the nuances well enough.
Opion why his wife stopped contacting her son. I don't
know why my wife's son didn't reach out, but I
suspect that he thinks she hates him for trying to
end thing. Pretty much about five years ago, her son, Safar,
had a huge argument with his father about her and
it led to a fight. So Far kept trying to
phone my wife after that, but she was on a
(43:37):
flight at the time and couldn't answer. He took a
lot of pills after that and would have passed away
had his father not found him right away. Wow. When
my wife phoned back, his father answered in the hospital
and blamed her and said that the next time he
wouldn't save him if my wife kept in contact with him. Wow,
my wife is still terrified of her ex husbands. She
did stop trying to contact her son. I wouldn't be
surprised if her ex said something similar to their son
(44:00):
get him to stop contacting her. But this is his
son's fiance, so it's a loophole. Maybe her son is
using it. I don't I hope so, but we do
have an update, Like I need much more information. Yeah,
I feel like that was a small story.
Speaker 3 (44:13):
I mean, like right now, all we know is that
her son is kind of dealing with a lot, and
OP is kind of encouraging her to get back into
contact with him.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (44:22):
I don't know if Ope is necessarily like rooting for it.
He seems to just be like an observer, yeah, port
of either way. I guess this is a complicated situation.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
Is a complicated situation.
Speaker 4 (44:32):
Wow, But we do have an update. So my update
is a mixed bag. I guess I didn't want to update,
but the truth is I don't have anyone to talk
to and just thought this might help. The first is
that I let the matter lie at first. I figured
that maybe we'd get back to it around the time
that my wife's future daughter in law, Elena, had actually
come to Canada. I mean, there's no point in stressing
my wife about it right now, and that did help,
(44:53):
So I guess you're right. Ope does think that his
wife should meet Alena.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
Reach back.
Speaker 4 (44:57):
A week ago, we found out that my wife Ayisha
pregnant and we are both over the moon about it.
Oh my gosh, congratulations.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
A lot going on in your life right now.
Speaker 4 (45:05):
So much happening. I mean, we wanted to start trying,
but I didn't know it already happened. Something I didn't
mention in my last post is that my wife feels
guilt over me. There is an age gap between us,
and we got together when I was barely an adult.
To me, I don't see anything wrong with it because
I initiated things, no matter how dangerous that could have
turned out for me. I pursued her to her though
she feels often that she used me and used the
(45:27):
attraction I had to her to escape and it was
wrong of us to take things further. But I don't
feel that way, and honestly, I think she has no
reason to feel guilty. That is a common thing though
with people who are in relationships when they get out
of it, they kind of bill see things that are
similar to their partner and they get nervous that like
that's what they are doing too, you know what I mean. Absolutely,
but obviously thinks they're complicated. I'm sure that's not the case, Opie. No,
(45:50):
Obviously it's always good to be like aware and stuff
of how you're interacting and stuff. But right just know that,
like you don't need to feel as bad about it
as your does. Exactly when we found now she was pregnant,
she told me that for the first time, she feels
like this was meant to be. It actually made me
forget about Elena. And four days ago, when Nisha and
I came home from work, it turns out that she
(46:10):
came to visit with her aunt and my mother let
them in. I was a bit worried that Aisha was
going to panic or have a breakdown, but she was
actually really calm and composed, and when Elena called her
ummy or Arabic for mother, she got such a big
smile on her face. I know it was genuine too,
because I don't think she expected that kind of respect.
It turns out that Zefar sent Elena to give my
(46:31):
wife an invite to their wedding, and the only reason
he didn't come himself is because he was very busy
with work. But he's planning on coming with her again
in August to do wedding shopping. Apparently Zafar is so
busy because he's taking over the family business because his
father had a stroke and all of his other half
siblings are ten and under, so it's on him. Wow.
When Elena's aunt left to take her kids somewhere, she
(46:53):
had a conversation with my wife about her ex husband.
It turns out that Zafar really is not treating him
well at all, no matter how much his stepmother or
aunts or even his half siblings argue with him. According
to Elena, he's the calmest and nicest and sweetest person
unless the topic turns to his father, and nobody can
convince him.
Speaker 2 (47:10):
To treat him better.
Speaker 4 (47:11):
That seems pretty fair. Yeah, Like, she told my wife
that he has so much hate for him that he
once said that the only reason he hates that the
stroke happened is that now he can't unlive him.
Speaker 3 (47:21):
Oh wow, But like, I'm sure he went through a
lot being like alone with his father. Definitely, yeah, yeah,
Like very complicated relationship.
Speaker 4 (47:30):
Totally understandable. He even threatened once to ban his half
siblings from attending his wedding in the reception because his
stepmother tried to get him to do better by his father. Wow, Okay,
his stepmother tried to get him to do better, So
I guess he remarried.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
Like try to improve the relationship between him and his father.
Speaker 4 (47:45):
I think, right. I'm just trying to think who the
stepmother is.
Speaker 2 (47:47):
We don't know. I guess he must have been married.
Speaker 4 (47:49):
My wife and Elena tell her the things that her
ex husband did so far, even though she didn't want to,
and I won't say them because I just can't imagine
somebody doing that step to their own child. Elena asked
if my wife could talk to Zafar because she doesn't
want him so filled with hate, even if his father
does deserve it for torturing him for his entire life.
My wife told Elena that she doesn't feel like she
can talk to her son on the phone after so long,
(48:11):
and when he comes, he'll stay with us and she
will talk to him about it then and that she'll
convince him for her Elena left with her aunt soon after.
And it's weird because even though my wife told Elena
that when we were alone at night, she told me
that she's happy that Zafar doing that and that his
father deserves it. She cried a lot that night and
told me that she'd be forgiving if it was just
(48:32):
her that was her by her ex husband, but that
she can't stand that her son had to suffer so
much under him and hopes that her ex husband keeps
reaping what he sewed.
Speaker 3 (48:41):
Well, that's just an incredibly hard place for kind of Elena.
I get what she was doing, but a really hard
place for Elena to put Opie's wife in of saying like,
I need you to talk to your son to convince
him to kind of forgive this man who has been
awful to both you and him.
Speaker 4 (48:56):
I don't understand why she wants him to forgive him.
Speaker 3 (48:59):
I think probably what she's meaning is like, he's very angry,
it's like affects him a lot and stuff. But the
answer is not for his mom to convince him to,
you know, forgive his dad, the answers for him to
go to therapy so that he can kind of release
that anger and aggression out of his life rather than
have a relationship with his father. Yeah, I absolutely do
(49:21):
not think that, like he needs to be kinder or
treat his father better to solve this.
Speaker 2 (49:26):
No cut off your father, honestly.
Speaker 4 (49:29):
Yeah, Like I do agree with that that like having
that hate and anger is like, you know.
Speaker 3 (49:33):
Not good for you, not healthy, not healthy even.
Speaker 4 (49:35):
Though it's like understandable, but it's still good to like
try to cope with it in some healthier way. But
I really don't think he's trying to put any effort
into that relationship is the answer at all. I admitted
that that seemed wrong to say, but she told me
that I'd understand when our son is born whatever. And
now I don't know why she's so certain it'll be
a boy. But hey, by the way, I am so
(49:56):
certain that you can always find full episodes with more
stories just like this one on SPO I heard radio,
Apple podcasts and just search.
Speaker 3 (50:03):
Okay, every time, I've never been more certain of anything.
Speaker 4 (50:05):
There is a little bit more of the story, but
we have any final thoughts where we roll into it.
Speaker 3 (50:11):
I think, oh, Pie, you just kind of have to
be there as support, because I mean, this is terrifying.
Even knowing that the father is in any way around,
in any shape or form, that must be incredibly scary
for your wife. So just like giving her support and
making sure that she knows that she's safe, and like
maybe getting her into therapy if she's not already, and
(50:33):
kind of just being there as she restarts this bond
with her and her son.
Speaker 4 (50:38):
Yeah. I agree, that's really all you can do, but
there is a little bit more so. Elena's flight home
is today and my wife is the one dropping her off.
In fact, they were inseparable for the last few days.
My wife has spent hours talking with her and just
learning about her, her studies and about her relationship with Zafar.
She loves that girl so much already, except every time
before she went to meet her, she had a mini
(50:58):
panic attack almost. I asked about it, but she said
that it's like she has a daughter and it's a
good dream and she's worried that she's going to wake up.
She even said maybe it would have been better if
she had been allowed to move on, because she's so
afraid of getting hurt again. And there are some comments.
You know, I just realized this, the quote that says
he took a lot of pills after that and would
have passed away had his father not found him right away.
(51:20):
This info is from the dad, Right, Why do we
all believe the harmful dad that told her I'm answering
from the hospital because our son tried to commit et cetera,
et cetera. Do you know what I mean had his
father not found him right away. Oh what a hero.
That's actually a good point, honestly scary point. He totally
could be lying. Some one replies, Yeah, I wouldn't be
surprised if there was no self harm attempt and it
(51:42):
was just a lie made up by the father to
cause maximum emotional damage to his wife. Yeah, there's so
many different ways that he could have lied about it,
Like it could have just not happened at all.
Speaker 3 (51:51):
He could have just been I don't know, had like
an accident, like a car accident or something, or.
Speaker 4 (51:54):
He literally wasn't even in the hospital, maybe even employed
to get her to come crawling back and that's the
end of it. Yeah, that's like such a terrible position
to be in, so.
Speaker 3 (52:04):
Difficult she got herself out of that situation and that
you know.
Speaker 4 (52:07):
But that's the end of that story.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
Hey, it's Sam' your og host here, bring it back
to the stories. But here's three minutes fads from our sponsor.
Speaker 3 (52:14):
My wife hid years of credit card debt, and now
I resent her.
Speaker 4 (52:19):
I would too, Honestly, I just uncovered what I really
really hope is everything.
Speaker 3 (52:24):
There were some red flags that I foolishly ignored. Here
is a rough timeline. We've been together since high school
and married young twenty one to twenty. It was pretty
clear from the beginning, and we even had conversations specifically
about it, that she would handle the money. Her parents
are incredible with money. They are avid couponners, exceptional investors
(52:45):
in mind boggling leaf brugal. By the way, this comes
from Throwaway credit card debt help and if you want
to submit your own stories, go to our slash showay
Storytime separed it so it was logical to me that
she would inherit at least some of this, and since
I hated everything to do with finances, it made perfect sense.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
Pause real real quick.
Speaker 3 (53:03):
I wouldn't just assume, you know, like Sam's a terrible cook,
and our mom's amazing at cooking, so sometimes those don't transfer.
More backstory, I am the primary breadwinner. She makes less
than ten k a year from a part time job.
Shortly after we married, she got a couple of credit
cards that had cash back or air mileage programs and
explained to me that as long as we kept them
(53:24):
paid off, they basically be giving us free money. A
year before we were married, I started working as a
freelance contractor. This meant I had to pay estimated taxes
every quarter. Last year, tax year twenty thirteen, she offered
to take over my taxes and I happily agreed. Again,
I hate finances. I just told her every quarter I
made X amount, so send the irs. Why i'mount four
(53:48):
times she told me she would. This last tax season
I found out she lied every single time.
Speaker 2 (53:54):
We got a.
Speaker 3 (53:55):
Massive bill and thousands of it were from the late
fees alone. I only found out because I had to
help and sign for the taxes. This basically wiped out
our nest egg and left us owing five thousand dollars,
which we had to put on a payment plan with
the IRS. She apologized and cried a lot and said.
Speaker 4 (54:13):
She just misunderstood the estimated taxes and that this kind
of thing would never ever happen again.
Speaker 2 (54:17):
I shrugged it off. People make mistakes.
Speaker 3 (54:20):
There is about four two hundred dollars left to pay
the irs. Jump forward to this June. We moved into
a new place. The city requires a credit check to
turn on the water, sewage, et cetera. I go to
the office to sign and finalize it, and to my surprise,
they require a rather large deposit. I asked about it
and they said it was due to the credit check.
I looked over the credit report and it had a
(54:41):
column that said these items.
Speaker 4 (54:43):
Negatively affect your score. Most of them were fine, like
credit history is too short, but one line really stood
out to me. Average balance on all accounts above thirty percent.
When we first got the credit cards, our limit was
two thousand dollars, so I thought, okay, six hundred dollars
in credit debt isn't a big dal. I told my
wife about the credit check and the latch deposit, and
she said something like, oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I kind
(55:05):
of let that slip this month. It'll be fine next month.
What I didn't know at the time was that our
credit limit had increased five thousand dollars and that we
were far far past the thirty percent.
Speaker 2 (55:17):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (55:18):
Oh wait wait, so your credit limit was two thousand
dollars and you were at five thousand dollars or you
had increased the limit too five.
Speaker 4 (55:26):
I think the limit was increased to five thousand, and
then they were passed over thirty percent of the five
thousand dollars. We both know it, but we won't say
at least like I mean, four thousand would be twelve
hundred I think if we're going off of his not
so they owe over fifteen hundred dollars, he said, Well
over the thirty percent mark. That's crazy, plus the five
(55:48):
thousand dollars too.
Speaker 3 (55:49):
Just over a month ago, I come home and sit
down at the computer, which we both use. My wife
comes over and sits next to me and starts telling
me about her day. I closed the browser window that
I'd been open, and behind it is a PDF statement
for one of the credit cards. My wife screams, comes
that and grabs the mouse and closes it. That's not
suspicious at all, But before she does, I see at
the top.
Speaker 2 (56:10):
A massive current balance four thousand, nine hundred dollars.
Speaker 3 (56:15):
It wasn't exactly four thousand, nine hundred dollars that there
was some change. She turns bright red and looks at
me with a look of did you see that? I
say something like forty nine hundred dollars. She breaks down
and starts crying. She explains that it just got out
of hand and she lost control and it's been snowballing
and she didn't want to tell me about it because
it was stressed me out and it was all her fault.
Then she says something that still pisses me off to
(56:37):
think about. It all started when you stop working from
home and got a job. I didn't realize you were
going to make a lot less money. Now's not the time.
Even if that does contribute, now's not the time. Don't
put it on him.
Speaker 4 (56:46):
This pisses me off because I got a twenty percent
raise when I stopped freelancing. It just seemed like less
money because of tax withholding and I was contributing to
a four to oh one k and our health insurance
got ten times better. So there is less cash in
the bank every week, but I was making more money.
Speaker 2 (57:03):
Yeah, they were just.
Speaker 3 (57:03):
Spending more on stuff to improve their life. Anyway, we
have a long talk and decide that the money needs
to be transparent and honestly, you need to handle the
finances or like get an accountant if you have the funds.
Speaker 2 (57:16):
Have a tax guy.
Speaker 4 (57:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (57:18):
We set up you need a budget, and she went
through and added everything in. We decided that every single
week we'll go through our weekly expenses and neither of
us will spend any money without telling the other. We
plan everything out and figure out that we can pay
off the credit card by the end of the year
if we eat super cheap and never go out. At
some point during this day long talk and planning session,
(57:39):
I noticed she had left out the other credit card
from nab oh No. I asked her about it directly,
like I looked her in the eye and said, what
about the EMIX. She looked at me and with the
straight paste said it's like good.
Speaker 2 (57:53):
Four hundred dollars to six hundred dollars.
Speaker 3 (57:55):
I barely ever put anything on it because it doesn't
have cash back. I'll pay it off by the month
then just close it.
Speaker 2 (58:00):
That sounds like a lot.
Speaker 4 (58:01):
Absolutely is a lie.
Speaker 3 (58:02):
For some stupid every reason, I believed her. That's on you,
that's so on you.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
That's on you.
Speaker 3 (58:07):
At that point, you are the freaking frog on the
scorpions back, and the scorpion is just stinging you, and
you're like, well, scorpion definitely won't sting me again, and
the Scorpion's like, no.
Speaker 4 (58:18):
Way, I won't sting you, and then okay, have fun.
Stop letting the scorpions sting you. At a certain point,
it's like she's obviously making bad financial decisions because of
everything that's been presented, and you are making bad financial
decisions by trusting her with all this, literally trusting her
in any reward. You kind of got to take some
responsibility too.
Speaker 3 (58:38):
After the five thousand dollars instant, I would have been like,
we're going through everything, and if she was like, no,
it's fine, I'd be like, no, we're.
Speaker 2 (58:45):
Going through everything.
Speaker 3 (58:46):
I'm taking over on like all these finances. We're gonna
talk every week. You're gonna run me through everything, and
then I'm gonna have like final look through of everything.
Speaker 4 (58:55):
At least it is like your own money. She could
look over hers, sure, and then maybe I would run
review to help her out, but like my money staying with.
Speaker 3 (59:01):
Me, No, absolutely, And I'm not saying like you control
all the finances. I'm just saying, you guys work together,
and you look at everything.
Speaker 2 (59:07):
Now skip forward to this morning.
Speaker 4 (59:09):
I decide to check on everything because we had some
minor but unexpected expenses this week and I want to
see how it affect our long term payoff plan. I
logged into the amex account and saw that it has
a balance of thirty five hundred and thirty four dollars.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (59:27):
Not only that, but I logged into the other credit
card to find that it's one thousand dollars higher than
what she's reporting in YNAB. She recorded two five hundred
dollars payments in YNIB that she never actually paid. I'm
looking through the statements and where I've been living on
basically chicken and vegetables. She's been eating out multiple times
a week.
Speaker 2 (59:47):
Well, how was that?
Speaker 4 (59:48):
Oh my gosh, she's just been racking up seems like
she has.
Speaker 3 (59:52):
No live skills, Like she's not able to feed herself,
She's not able to take care of for finances without
causing massive financial ruin for this couple. There are countless
expenses that I can't account for and that go away
beyond the budget. We planned our plan to have what
I now know is only half our debt paid off
by the end of the year. Is completely botched already
(01:00:12):
just a month, and I feel sick. I don't think
I'll ever be able to trust her again. My stomach
turns every time I think about her face when she
told me the AMEX only ad a balance of four
hundred dollars. I'm seriously considering a divorce. Would a divorce
be an overreaction? Is this something I should be able
to forgive? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you,
And there are some relevant comments, But I mean, like
(01:00:33):
to a certain extent, this is kind of financial. I mean,
there's no animosity behind it, like a malicious way, but
she's still doing it, and she's still kind of ruining
your whole financial plan.
Speaker 4 (01:00:43):
And it's not much of an accident anymore. She was
deliberately doing that.
Speaker 3 (01:00:47):
She's deliberately lying to you, regardless of how deliberate her
actions are.
Speaker 4 (01:00:50):
You guys decided on a plan to how to fix
this and how to pay off this thing, and she
just like went against it. Sue her.
Speaker 3 (01:00:57):
I mean, you can, to an extent kind of do
decide to go with the divorce. I know that all
debts incurred during a marriage would be both of yours,
but you might be able to say, like, hey, was
not aware of these debts going into it. Like, I
think there are things that you can fight for in
a divorce where you can say that you were not
aware that she was racking up this amount.
Speaker 4 (01:01:15):
Yeah, that's probably possible. Dude, I'm getting a prenup.
Speaker 3 (01:01:18):
We read so many stories that don't work out well.
Realant comments slim Shanny says, I think you should consider
counseling before jumping to divorce. Sometimes there is a lot
of shame surrounding financial troubles. Also, don't let your wife
be in charge of the finances anymore. I would give
her one card. The both of you have an allowance
and be meticulous about your finances. This is obviously something
(01:01:40):
she can't handle. She got into trouble and felt too
ashamed to come to you for help. Why doesn't she
work more?
Speaker 2 (01:01:45):
Do you two have kids?
Speaker 3 (01:01:47):
In Opie responded, no kids. She's been off and on
pursuing a degree. She dropped out last semester, then started
again this semester, taking eight credit hours. So the primary
reason she doesn't work more is because she wants to
finish school were or I guess I am paying for
school out of pocket? Slam Shanny says, I can hear
the anger through your post. I think you should do
(01:02:08):
what you can to diminish that before you talk to
her about this again. I look at my finances about
once a week. I figure out where our money is
going and why we have a spreadsheet that shows expected
savings versus expected expenses. My husband called me while I
was at work last week because he noticed I spent
five dollars on a protein shake. Looking at credit card statement,
my online it shows him Instantly, he asked me if
(01:02:29):
I lost my shaker and if he needs to prepare
my shake for me.
Speaker 2 (01:02:32):
So I don't forget.
Speaker 3 (01:02:33):
Dang, that is maybe two intens I think that's like
she buys one shake. Did you lose your shaker? You
spent five dollars. That's two intense. That's pretty intense.
Speaker 4 (01:02:45):
It's nice that he was like, okay, maybe, like I
can prepare it so we could save that money. The
fact that it's a media is like, we can talk
about it later.
Speaker 3 (01:02:52):
We are both on top of our finances and contributing
to our financial goals. Never leave this in her hands. Again,
you both need to know what is going on with
the money. So there's the deceit you need to deal with.
In addition to her not pulling her weight. Why did
she drop out? What is she contributing? Does she feel
a responsibility financially to you? Opie says she dropped out
after she got a failing grade on one of her tests.
(01:03:14):
She dropped out of school because she got one fail
on a test, not even on the final, not even
the class, on.
Speaker 4 (01:03:21):
A test out of the whole school. She's gone.
Speaker 2 (01:03:23):
She got like a D on a test. She's like, well,
they hate me.
Speaker 4 (01:03:26):
She's like, well, I can't ever pick this back up.
Impossible when I'm only doing school and like barely working.
She decided to switch to an easier major, but has
since switch back to the harder major. I'm honestly not
sure what she's contributing anymore. I do all the cooking
and have the cleaning. She goes to work and school.
My original thought was that as soon as she finishes
her degree, she'll make up for as her degree as
(01:03:47):
a very high starting salary. I'm not sure I follow
your last question. I know she's very self conscious about
her contribution to the relationship and gets very defensive anytime
a conversation enters the same hemisphere as contribution, there.
Speaker 2 (01:04:00):
Is an update.
Speaker 3 (01:04:01):
Wow, there's more, there's more. I don't at all blame
you for considering divorce.
Speaker 4 (01:04:06):
It's not that you know she's putting you in a
really hard place financially, but it's that she's lying over
and over.
Speaker 3 (01:04:12):
Yeah, and just like using this first. A big thank
you to everyone who gave me their thoughts and advice.
It's been a month since I found the second half
of the debt. Here is what has happened since we're
still together. I've taken complete control of the finances, but
she can still see it all and we're discussing finances
on a regular basis, which I think that's probably not
completely shutting her out. I also think she should go
(01:04:32):
to classes for this. I set up mint big thanks
to those who recommended it. It's been a huge help.
Though the net worth column makes me a little sick
every time I see it. I have not set up
a separate bank account, as some people recommended. She freely
gave up all her credit cards and I hid them.
I figured cutting them up could potentially cause problems if
I needed to cancel subscriptions or something, my logic.
Speaker 2 (01:04:54):
May be flawed.
Speaker 3 (01:04:55):
But since hiding them, exactly zero dollars has been spent
on them, so I believe it it's a safe method.
Speaker 2 (01:05:01):
For now.
Speaker 3 (01:05:01):
She has a debt card she is supposed to only
use for gas and groceries that are on our agreed
upon list. We're now about eight hundred dollars less debt,
which feels like a drop of the bucket, but at
least it's a drop of the bucket in the correct direction.
We've managed to almost follow the budget I planned out. Unfortunately,
our relationship has suffered in a big way. I have
(01:05:21):
to check the transactions on her card every day, and
at least twice a week. There are things on there
she shouldn't have fought. Wow, that's so frustrating. Like it
still hasn't changed. When I confront her about them, she
always has an excuse.
Speaker 2 (01:05:34):
Ready.
Speaker 3 (01:05:35):
I withdrew twenty bucks to buy girls Scout cookies from
a client's daughter, but since I can have the cookies
glut analogy, I.
Speaker 2 (01:05:40):
Told them to just take the twenty bucks.
Speaker 4 (01:05:42):
Actingly, she's Bill Gates, I'm sorry you gave twenty dollars
away for cookies you can't eat. You didn't even get
any cookies to give to Ope.
Speaker 3 (01:05:51):
Yeah, Opie doesn't have a gluten analogy. I think I
can't bring myself to believe her excuses. I know she's
lying at least some of the time. As in and
there will be a Starbucks cup left in the car,
see like at this point, this is where I'd be like, Hey,
did you forget that we can make coffee at home?
Speaker 5 (01:06:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (01:06:08):
Right, get that shaker thing. I'm confused, really quick. He
hid the credit cards, and no money has been swelling those.
So what is this money coming from? Debit or something?
Speaker 3 (01:06:16):
She has a debit car, She has a debit card
she's supposed to only use for gas and groceries.
Speaker 4 (01:06:20):
Well, this is an agreed ubon no more card. He's peasy.
Speaker 3 (01:06:23):
I don't really want to start a fight over twenty bucks.
And I can't tell the difference between when she's lying
and when she isn't. Until a month ago, I thought
she never lied. You wouldn't be starting a fight over
twenty dollars. You'd be starting a fight over.
Speaker 2 (01:06:35):
Her lying to you.
Speaker 3 (01:06:36):
I should take a moment to say I like strong
women I fell in love with this girl when I
was eighteen and she was seventeen because she was the
most mature, independent girl my age I had ever met,
among other qualities, had a good job for seventeen, she
was moving out of her parents' house. She had a
car that one's kind of like. Her parents probably got
her the car.
Speaker 4 (01:06:56):
When you're in high school. Standards are low in short
for her age, I thought she really had her crap together.
Speaker 3 (01:07:02):
I have never wanted the nuclear, stay at home wife.
I wanted a career wife. You know Claire Underwood from
Als of Cards. That's the kind of woman I wanted
and who I thought I found while we were dating.
She was all about career advancement, long term plans, traveling
the world, et cetera. I'm concerned. I had rose colored
glasses on, and because I wanted her to be a strong,
independent woman, I ignored her faults, and she went out of
(01:07:25):
her way to act like the strong woman she knew
I wanted her to be. Whenever I find her spending
money on things she shouldn't, I either have to let
it go that I assume, or I have to ground
a grown woman from her debit card, which shouldn't be
your place either, which I really hate to do. I
hate the idea of my wife being a subordinate or
like I have to punish or police her activity. It
(01:07:46):
makes me feel like an able not to mention, it's
a complete turnoff that is decimated our intimacy. It's incredibly
difficult for me to want to have spicy sleet with
someone I just had to scold because they broke a
budget we both agreed on. Despite telling me, she's so
and she feels terrible. I feel like I'm fighting alone.
It's like, instead of being my partner and finding ways
to help, I have to actively prevent her from doing
(01:08:08):
further harm. A good example is that she has never
looked for scholarships for school. I doubt she could get
a free ride or anything, but she hasn't even looked
because I've always been able to just pay it off immediately.
I get that hunting down and applying for scholarships takes
a lot of time and effort, and I have no
idea if she get any, but she could at least look.
I have brought it up and she just brushes it
(01:08:28):
off as oh, look, but I won't call a fay
for anything. Though it'll be a waste of time, and
then she doesn't look. Another example, a number of people
recommend marriage counseling for us and or therapy for her.
I asked her to find a therapist, and then if
the therapist thought after talking with her that we should
do couple counseling, I'd be happy to I reminded her
to find a therapist every day for the first week,
(01:08:49):
and a month later she's still ascid. I don't mind
reminder her, but at this point it's pretty clear she's
deliberately avoiding it. Every day I remind her about our debt,
which upsets me, but then I get upset at myself
for being upset. For example, I'll turn down going out
with friends because it costs money. Then I'll think, damn it,
if my wife didn't put me in debt, I could
(01:09:10):
go out with her friends. And then five minutes later
I'll think, Wow, did I really get mad at my
wife because I can't go out with my friends. There
are people who can't afford food, and I'm upset that
I can afford cocktail. I'm an ale, so I get
trapped in a circle of resenting my wife and then
resenting myself for resenting my wife. I would like to
avoid giving the impression that I believe myself blameless in
(01:09:31):
all of this. I appreciate those who pointed it out.
I shouldn't have ignored my own finances for so long.
I shouldn't have dumped that responsibility on anyone. I let
myself get caught up in the fantasy that I was
married to a perfect, strong, independent person who could do anything.
If I were to pursue a separation or divorce, I
wouldn't try to escape the debt, or at least half
(01:09:51):
the debt. If I wasn't supporting her or paying for
her school out of my pocket, I could pay it
all off in a few months. We're still together, but
I have and forgiven her, and I'm harboring a lot
of resentment. I am so afraid of doing something i'll
regret that I'm caught in a limbo. I won't forgive her,
but I won't leave her, which isn't fair to her
or myself. But I'm too afraid to do either. It's
(01:10:12):
not the money. Money will come and go. It's the
continued lying and the lack of effort to make it
right that I am having trouble forgiving. On the other hand,
divorce really doesn't sound very fun. I am afraid I
can never forgive her, but I'm afraid i'd never forgive
myself if I left her. And there are some relevant
comments to finish this story off, But do you have
any relevant comments of your own?
Speaker 4 (01:10:33):
You're so hard on yourself. I get the idea of
being like, oh, but like other people are struggling more,
so like I shouldn't be complaining about this. People are
always gonna struggle more. It's good to be aware of
that sometimes in some cases and keep that in consideration. However,
for this, like, just because there are people in worse
situations doesn't mean that you're not in a bad situation.
Speaker 3 (01:10:52):
And also doesn't mean that you have to be happy
with the situation that you're in.
Speaker 4 (01:10:55):
Yeah, and put up with it. And you're so young,
like why you're in your twenties, like early twenties. You
will find more people. You will be okay, I promise you,
because now this is gonna be something that you're gonna
look for in someone, like their financial responsibilities, and then
it'll be like even more gratifying when you find that,
because then it's like I have this such bad like
(01:11:15):
situation with that, so this is something I really want now.
Speaker 3 (01:11:19):
And also just like taking with you knowledge that you
need to be more on top of your own finances.
But it's just like, yeah, oh wow, I did really
drop the ball there and someone took advantage of it.
But you know, I need to make sure that I
have my eye on said ball. Lots of things that
we're learning here. Doesn't seem like she's gonna get better
at these things anytime soon. And this is obviously something
that you're resenting here for, which is understandable.
Speaker 4 (01:11:40):
So that's okay, Okay.
Speaker 3 (01:11:42):
See Ta says, I think you should tell her it's
time for her to get a full time job. Her
entire paycheck can go to the debts. I don't care
if it's at McDonald's. She needs a job, hope, he responds.
The problem with this is that I've already paid for
her semester of school. She has a part time job,
and I really don't want to just throw away the
tuition money already spent after the semester's over. However, it's
(01:12:02):
definitely an option, and there is a final update.
Speaker 4 (01:12:05):
Oh my gosh, there's still more. We're about to find
out whether Ope's stayed in this relationship or divorce.
Speaker 2 (01:12:10):
Let's jump in.
Speaker 4 (01:12:11):
I don't know how to put this.
Speaker 3 (01:12:13):
We're still together, stop, we're still in love, and.
Speaker 4 (01:12:17):
Ask if today we're debt FREEO crats Okay, you overcame it.
Speaker 3 (01:12:22):
We finally set aside our pride and went to counseling.
You know what, you just needed the counseling.
Speaker 4 (01:12:28):
That's really a lot of the fixes here in these
Reddit stories. But you know what your fix can be
listening to full episodes of stories just like this. Just
go to Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (01:12:38):
And search for booking story time.
Speaker 3 (01:12:40):
But there is a little bit left to this story.
She stayed in school at my insistence, but started working
her butt off. She took more hours at work and
took any odd job she could, babysitting, dog sitting, house sitting.
She gave up a huge chunk of her nights and
weekends and massively rained in her impulse purchases. Our grades
did suffer quite a bit, but now she'll be able
to cut way back on work and focus much more
(01:13:01):
on school. It's been ten months, but I feel like
we've matured ten years. We're both better at communicating and
money management. We've learned how to go on cheap dates,
and we're both better cooks. We drink and eat out
a lot less, so we're both healthier. I don't think
this could have turned out better.
Speaker 2 (01:13:17):
Wow, let it turnaround. Just took ten months.
Speaker 3 (01:13:20):
Debt free in ten months is pretty impressive.
Speaker 4 (01:13:23):
Yeah, with that much debt. Too good on her. Honestly,
like she really turned around, which is really really impressive.
Props to you guys, But that is the end of
that story.