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0:00 r/BestofRedditorUpdates - Am I overreacting for calling off my wedding after my fiancé got drunk, put on my wedding dress, and had an accident in it?
21:48 r/BORUPdates - AITA for not telling my girlfriend I’m bisexual [Long] [Concluded]
Note: stories are sometimes abbreviated
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, this is Sam, this is John. We're the ancient
two Case Storytime podcast hosts, and we have some ancient
wisdom in the stories coming up. If you want to
hear the wisdom from two old heads that know more
than they know what to do with, you're gonna have
to wait for a quick message from our sponsors for
the next two minutes or so.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
My fiance wore my wedding dress under the influence and
ruined it.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Are you sure he wasn't slaying?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
This sounds completely ridiculous, but it really happened, and I
can't stop thinking about it. Some people are telling me
I completely overreacted, and I'm starting to question myself. What
do you think he did?
Speaker 3 (00:38):
I think you get drinky and he ripped Ooh yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
I'm twenty eight and was supposed to get married last
weekend to my fiancee, Nick, who's thirty. We've been together
for four years. He's funny and a little bit impulsive,
but I always thought he had a good judgment. He
drinks socially, but I've never seen him totally out of
control until now. By the way, this comes from Rude
Winter nine one, nine two, and if you want to
(01:04):
spit your own stories. Go to the rs slash Okay
story Time, Separate It, Shoe Dang. The night before our wedding,
I stayed at home with my sister and two of
my bridesmaids for a relaxed night. Nick went out with
his groomsman. I expect him to come home tipsy at
most at around one thirty in the morning. He came
home absolutely schwated, slurring, stumbling, sweaty. I was brushing my
(01:28):
teeth when I heard him banging around the guest room.
When I went to check, I saw him dragging my
wedding dress out of the closet.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Uh no, but you've.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Caught him, so you can say, hey, stop.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Yeah, you go. What are you doing?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I asked what he was doing, and he just laughed
and said, you want to see how it felt to
be the bride?
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Oh no, oh no.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I told him to put it back and not to
touch it, but he was not listening at all. Right
in front of me, he stripped down completely and started
putting on the dress. He could barely get it over
his body and kept tripping over the train. I didn't
know what to say. Then he dropped the floor in
the dress, still laughing. Then he went quiet, looked up
(02:21):
at me with a panic face and said, oh no,
he said, oh, oh no. A few seconds later, he
had an accident.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Oh no, diarrhea.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Oh no, I don't even want to read this part.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Oh it was bad.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
I'm just gonna say it was bad.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Oh, it's so much worse than what I thought.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
And I thought you ripped at the dress, but he
just ripped himself.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
He ripped.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
That's maybe the worst possible option.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Oh man, that's gross. Just it was thrown into a furnace. Yeah,
and incinerated. Maybe that's better, might actually be better.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
I stood there and shock while he started crying and
try to get out of the dress, which only made
more of a mess. Oh oh, it was everywhere.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
It's no longer a white dress. It's a brown dress. Ye.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I told him to get in the shower and I left.
I drove straight to my mom's house and didn't take
any of his calls. The next morning, I called off
the wedding. The day of the wedding, I mean, how
do you get married after that? Well? You know what? Actually? No, Yeah,
I was gonna say, like, maybe that's like the final test.
(03:33):
It's like the final test. If you still love the
person after that, it's like, okay, you guys are ready,
but that's pretty bad.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
It's just like, why is this happening now? Now?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
The day before?
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Also is that typically when the bachelor party's supposed to
happen the day before.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
The weds I have to say, like, why was he
so like wasted the day before the wedding?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Why would you want to be hung over the day before?
Speaker 3 (04:00):
What are we doing?
Speaker 4 (04:01):
I've done some stuff for like the bachelor party before
the night before, but they're like, you know, don't do it,
don't go go out of control.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Yeah, there's a whole movie about that.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
It's the weird part is that she said that he's
never done this or doesn't do this, and this is
like the first time she had ever even seen him
out of.
Speaker 4 (04:18):
Control, like the one time, the one time.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Why is it happening the day before your wedding?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Maybe it's like the pre wedding jitters and it just got.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
No now it's a pre wedding. Oh man, I can't
say it.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Since then, Nick has apologized over and over. He said
he blacked out and barely remembers what happened. His family
is furious with me and saying, I'm throwing away a
great relationship over a wasted mistake. Some of my friends
agree and think I should have postponed instead of canceling.
Even my maid of honors said I might be letting
emotions take over and that it wasn't unforgivable.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Ah see, but like they were telling me, it'd be
like y'all didn't.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
See it, Like y'all didn't y'all didn't smell it.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
She said exactly what happened, you know.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
I mean, like, like, would.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You if your partner had this happen, would you just
say they got wasted and ruined the dress? Because I
probably wouldn't say everything that happened if I was still
like thinking about staying.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Yeah, I think I think they've checked out. I think
it's one of those things where it's like I just
can't ever look at you again without seeing you pooping
yourself in my wedding dress. So I don't think it's
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
No, I'm saying, do you think that she told everyone else?
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Well, I mean I think if you're planning on staying,
you probably wouldn't. If you're planning on leaving, you don't
really care. Yeah, because I think, yeah, I think it's over.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Well, she's only said that she canceled the wedding. We
don't know if they're like breaking up, which they might be.
But I feel like if she's planning on breaking out
with them, probably told everyone. If she's not planning, she
might not have told everyone, And so that's why maybe
they're like, oh, it's forgivable. He just like got wasted.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
Maybe the ball is rolling down.
Speaker 4 (05:59):
I don't know at this moment for all three of us,
where do we stand. Do we break up or we
just like like postpone the wedding and like have a
actual discussion.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
I would postpone the wedding. I wouldn't break up until
I had an actual conversation because we don't know why
this happened.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
Yeah, what if he was like, oh no, honey, Like
I don't like you tell him, like because he doesn't know.
He's like he legitimately doesn't know.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I mean, I don't want to jump to the worst conclusion,
but there are a lot of reasons why a person,
you know, like there's a he might have been given
something you know that he didn't know about. Like that's
the worst possible thing. But like there are so many
different reasons why it could have been that he got
super wasted and didn't realize. You know, there are a
(06:45):
lot of different reasons, some that we are totally within
his control, some that are not. And I would want
to have a conversation before I made any like huge decisions.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
I think you can not get married. I think if
it's me, I'm like, all right, I'm no longer ready
to get married. Deep Oh yes, yeah, I don't know.
I didn't know you were capable of such things.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
But I feel like something broke that night. I didn't
just feel disgusted, I felt disrespected. The dress wasn't just expensive,
it was important to me. It symbolized something. I cannot
unsee what happened. I can't laugh about it or move
on like it's just one bad night. I don't know
how to look at him the same way. Am I
overreacting for calling off the wedding? Relevant comments? Does Nick
(07:27):
have problems with booze or substances? Opie says he's never
had problems with booze before, or not that I know of.
At least. Do you think it's a sign of something worse?
Commoner Wan says, is this something that happens often. Does
he often get blackout wasted? If yes, consider this a
bullet dodged. Either way, it's a little concerning. He got
blackout wasted the day before your wedding. I think you
(07:49):
need to have a conversation to figure out whether this
is a relationship worth saving. Opi says, No, this is
the first time he's ever gotten this wasted in the
time I've known him, which is why I think I
might be over reacting. Omar One says, is it possible
that someone puts something in his drink? Which is what
I was thinking from your description? This is not in
character for your fiance. Opie says, I hadn't thought of that.
(08:10):
Maybe could it really have caused all of that? Also,
he was out with his friends, not like he was
with strangers. Yeah, but you know, there are many circumstances
that you know many, Yeah, it's it can happen.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
Look, I don't even think it has anything to do
with the circumstances the context. I think it's the same thing.
It's the same kind of situation of like, if someone
like cheats on you and you get back together, you're
still always gonna you know, you might have a situation
where it's like when I see you, I just see
you like with that other guy. And now it's like,
regardless of if you meant to or if you were
blacked out or if whatever, when I see you, I
(08:46):
see that version of you that did that in the
wedding dress right before we got married, and I can't
stop seeing it. So I don't like if that's the case. Yeah,
I don't know where you go from there. A spot
of therapy maybe, yeah, to forget it. Come on, some diapers.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Somn or two says people are still themselves when they
are blackout wasted.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
That's not true. That's not that is that is that
is the most least.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
That's just a weird comment to make, to be like,
people are themselves when they're blackout wasted. Like I'm this
man would not, you know, not cognizant, like relieve himself
if he were sober.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
This man's been wanting to poop in a wedding dress
his whole life.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
He's always wanted to, Like, come on, that's a.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
That's an every wedding dress he sees when he is wasted,
he's like, that's my next start.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, that's an excuse that's like a thing that you
say when somebody cheets on their partner.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
That's my toilet paper. I see the cut too of
this guy. He's standing in front in front of the
window of a bridle shop, just like looking longingly into it,
and then in sides like what are you thinking about, honey?
He goes, Oh, nothing, you wouldn't understand.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
I got to go to the bathroom now.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah, I seeing my husband fend off flirt women when
he was so wasted. He was still himself when he
ignored you. He was still himself when he wore your
wedding dress, something that is obviously special and off limits.
I disagree with this. Yeah, the dress is the most
important item of the most important day of your life,
and he pooped on it. No one forced him to
get that wasted, and he was still himself when wasted. Ope,
(10:19):
he says, I don't know. I'm worried some of his
friends might have been pressuring him to drink. Commander three says,
it's the series of bad decisions that gets me here,
first getting pissed or in this case, crap wasted the
night before your wedding. Thirty year olds can't bounce back
like a twenty one year old can being hung over
at your own wedding is a bad look. Go him
at the bachelor party, sure, but maybe keep it to
(10:41):
a couple drink smacks the night before. Second, it's deciding
to wastedly put on your fiance's dress. I'll be honest,
I'd be terrified to go anywhere near it until after
the wedding. I wouldn't want to be the cause of
any sort of issue with it, especially with T minus
twenty four hours until the wedding. Third, it's the decision,
did you keep going even though you're struggling and ignoring
(11:02):
or pleas to stop? Are to excuse so many bad
decisions in such a short time.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
This is just somebody writing a comment like fundamentally not
understanding what blacking out is. Yeah, I think that what
you still to drink that much? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I was about to say, you can criticize him deciding
to drink that much and therefore you know, doing all
of this. But I feel like to say, like, I
can't believe he ignored, You can't believe he put like
this man is blackout like this is.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Has just never been around someone drunk like their whole
life really this is.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
What I'm seeing, this one'm picturing. He walks into the room.
He's like, I'm gonna put on the dress. It's gonna
be really funny. And he's like, I'm gonna fart at it.
It's gonna be really funny. No, I dude, the dude.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
The thing that got me was the fact that he's like,
I want to see what it's like to be a bride.
I want to feel what it's like to be a bride.
It's like, yeah, do we have some of my unresults?
What's going on there? There's something rare to that, But
I think.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
Or he's just trying to be funny, and then he
he just totally una reversed himself.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
But uh update, Hi again. First off, thank you to
everyone who responded. I didn't expect the level of tension
my post got, and honestly, reading the replies made me
feel less alone. Some people told me I was right
to call it off. Others said it was a terrible
mistake but not unforgivable. Both sides helped me see the
situation more clearly. I spoke to Nick this morning, not
(12:27):
for closure, not for a big emotional talk, just to
return some things and check in about logistics since everything's
been canceled, but we ended up sitting down and talking
for over an hour. He apologized again, sincerely. He didn't
try to defend himself or shift blame. He told me
he didn't remember everything clearly, but knows he came home wasted,
(12:48):
saw the dress and, in his words, thought it would
be funny or meaningful or something. He didn't mean to
ruin the dress. He didn't mean to humiliate me, but
he did, and he knows that. He said, he's a shame,
aimed of what happened and how out of control he
let himself get. He also admitted this wasn't that the
first time his drinking led to something bad, which is
(13:09):
probably why you haven't seen him drink. Really, he said
this was a wake up call and that he's going
to stop drinking entirely. I didn't even know he had
a problem. The thing is, I still care about him.
We were supposed to get married. I didn't walk away
from someone I didn't love. But something inside me cracked
that night and it hasn't yield. I don't know if
(13:30):
it will. I know it sounds superficial to some people,
but for me, it was a symbol of our future,
of the person I thought I was marrying, and watching
him defile it in that state, whether on purpose or
by accident, change something. I've been trying to figure out
if that one night should be the end of four
years together. But it's not really just that one night,
is it. It's what it revealed about how he handles stress,
(13:54):
about how far he let himself go, about how I
felt standing in that room watching someone I loved become
almost unrecognizable. By the way, you should recognize that you
can listen to full episodes of stories just like this.
Just go to Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or iHeart Radio and
search a Pokey story time. There is a little bit
(14:15):
left to this story. Do you have any final thought?
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Dude, Sometimes like a moment happens and you just can't
unmoment the moment.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Yeah, you can recognize that you've made a terrible mistake,
and you can recognize that you have a problem with drinking,
but you've already hurt the person that you love.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Can't go back and undo that.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, And it's like a great you know, I am
very proud of him for making or like at least
you know, thinking about making this decision saying like I
never want to drink again. I want to like go
going forward. Don't want to do that again. Obviously we
don't know if he's gonna fall through, but hopefully I
think that's a big decision.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
I gotta say something like that. Yeah, should probably make
you stop. Yeah, right, I mean there are you can't
after that. That's a very serious issue.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Exactly. There are moments in your life where you hit
rock bottom like this and you realize, wow, I need
to make a giant change. But unfortunately, sometimes when we
hit that rock bottom, you don't always get to like
sometimes you lose the people that you care about.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
Yeah, I'm not giving him full you know, like all right,
you're off the hook. But the one thing I appreciate
from him, he's taking full accountability. And he's not blaming
his friends, like he's like oh yeah, yeah, like he
didn't mention his friends. We don't know, but from what
his words seem legit, no, I think that.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
He's like I don't want to, you know, sit here
and be like, ah, he sucks. He's the worst.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
He's an a hole.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Like this is a man who made a very bad mistake,
recognizes that wants to make a change in his life
doesn't mean that ops to stay with him.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Sometimes you can't put Genie bag in the bottle exactly,
no matter how bad you want to, because you're just like,
I just see the worst thing I've ever seen in
my life time I think about you. That's what I
see in my head, and I can't keep going if
I see that. Yeah, and it'd be clear. I don't know.
I've seen some comments. I'm in no way like being like, well,
(16:10):
if you get blacked out because you don't know what
you're doing, it absolves you of all responsibility. In no
universe would I think that. But it's more like we
have some comments where it almost sounded like someone didn't
understand that when you get to a point of blacked
out inebriation, like there are biomechanical processes in your brain
(16:31):
that turn off. Yeah, you no longer are at the helm.
You are not driving the car anymore. It's just going.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
But there's a little bit left to this story. I
haven't made a final decision yet. Technically the wedding is
still canceled, but the relationship isn't officially over. We're on
kind of an emotional pause. That's fair. I guess he
says he wants to make things right, and maybe he will.
Maybe with time, I'll want to try again. But right
now I still feel like I'm grieving something that ended,
(16:59):
and I don't know I know if I'm ready to
build it back from scratch. So I guess I'm now
asking am I overreacting if I walk away from this
completely top comment Commoner says, not at all overreacting. This
is not about the dress, but what it meant to
feel powerless as he did something stupid, thoughtless, and immature
after drinking himself into a stupor and the glimpse into
your future, you got that you couldn't gaslight yourself into
(17:21):
ignoring because it ruins something so symbolic and expensive. Believe
the symbolism. This is a red flag, not that he's
a bad person, but that this partnership might come with
significant difficulty long term as he continues to cope with
life stresses in immature ways that leave you always having
to be the adult in house. I've been in relationships
(17:42):
where I've made excuses for every red flag I've seen
loved ones indoor relationships with addicts, hoping they'll change if
they just pour n off Lovin'. None of them realized
there was a problem at first either, But it seems
like your boyfriend is admitting there is something to that theory.
None of the aforementioned reallylationships had a happy ending, and
most have been extremely, extremely bad in a way that
(18:04):
seemed uncharacteristic for the partner when he finally hit rock bottom.
You may genuinely want to change, and you may be
hopeful that could fix some things, but long term, a
lot of people have trouble quitting substances when nothing of
significance has changed for them and they're still in a
situation where they can see opportunities to drink or use
and know they can without losing much comfort and stability.
(18:27):
Are your enemies with when fighting addiction, because they enable
a reticence to change. I want to add staying in
a relationship where you feel like you have to be
the adult and take steps to manage the other person's
behavior gets extremely taxing and builds a lot of resentment
very quickly. Think of this as something that tore off
your rose colored glasses and made you look at an
(18:50):
ugliness you didn't want to see. Eld your eyes open
to a version of your future you didn't anticipate. If
you are absolutely one hundred percent sure this is one
time thing, it might be repairable. But I feel like
if you're willing to lose all the money an effort
sunk into planning a wedding and go through the ordeal
of canceling, that seems like it implies a larger issue underneath.
(19:11):
Whether it's about the way he handles stress, is propensity
to hurt you with little, careless things, or how often
you envision yourself cleaning up his messes or managing his
behavior in your lives together. The cliche is true. When
someone shows you who they are, believe them. I made
excuses for everything my ex did that made my skin crawl,
(19:32):
and when we finally broke up, I was worried he
might actually hurt me for months, Even now a few
years later, I don't think that was crazy. I think
he was more than capable of it, resented me, and
I believe tried to break into my apartments. Obviously a
different situation, but for years other people in our lives
had tried to point out red flags to me, and
(19:53):
he did things that definitely gave me a lot of pause,
but I always opted to look for the best in him.
In hindsight, I embellished, in exact, rated some goodness that
wasn't really there. I lost five years of my life
to that relationship, and figuring out where to go from
here has been incredibly difficult. I wish I had left
the first time. Something he said or did gave me
the sinking feeling of this is my future and I
(20:14):
don't like it. Rather than convincing myself, I was overreacting
and being unfair. Please learn from my mistakes. And that
is the end of that story. And that, to be clear,
was a commentary, not appeasing all that. I think that Dakota,
you have a really good point of you know, this
might be the only thing that she ever thinks about
(20:35):
which is valid. And if that is the case, and
you really can't see yourself ever forgetting or ever getting
over it, then you know, maybe this relationship is not
going to work out in long term and that's okay,
but maybe there is a chance, maybe you can have
that conversation. Maybe you know, as he begins this journey
of sobriety, you're like, you know what I see that
(20:56):
he's willing to change I'm willing to give a chance.
That's also okay. You know the many different paths for you.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
This could have been the same story with just a
different you know, it could have been Yeah. He came
home really drunk, and then he started telling me about
how the earth is hollow and full of lizard people,
and how we're gonna fight back against the lizards and
we're gonna make our family nice and we're gonna have
a strong family together. And then after he said that,
I could never be like, honey, are you sure you
(21:24):
don't think the earth is hollow and full of lizards?
He's like, no, no, no, I swear I don't. It's like, yeah,
but you really really meant it that one time you
said it to me. And now I can't stop seeing
you as a guy who thinks the lizards are gonna
invade from the center of the earth. So I don't
think this is working anymore.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
And we do have another story, folks.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Sam here og host. We're gonna get back to these stories.
But here's three minutes baths from our sponsors.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
First, my girlfriend discovered I'm queer, and she did not
take it. Well, it's bride month. She has to it's
illegal for you to not accept that this is ridiculous,
but she has ex. I sickly asked me to ask
the internet because she's convinced she's in the right. So
my girlfriend, twenty four female and I twenty one male,
(22:08):
were talking about school and our childhood's a few days ago.
I originally lived in England, but she's always been a
Scotland girl, so we were comparing. I was showing her
pictures of me and my mates from when we were
sixteen or seventeen, and she noticed that me and one
of my friends seemed a little close in some of
the pictures, even noticed that I was sitting in his
(22:28):
lap in one of them. By the way, this comes
from user noodle Lootle scruble eh. I like that, and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
the r slash sh okay story time. So abread it.
So she asked me, and I just flat out told
her that's my ex because it didn't seem like a
big deal to me, and it still doesn't. She got
a bit annoyed and then asked me why I hadn't
(22:50):
told her about this before. I assume the this she
was talking about was my ex, and I said that
I hadn't really thought about him in a while because
we were teenagers and I've moved away since. Then she
got more annoyed and said, not that, I mean that
you like guys. I got kind of confused then, because
it's not something I hid from her. She is right.
(23:11):
I've never explicitly told her that I'm by, but I
have pins of the flag on several bags. We thirst
over male celebrities together. I mean, the night we met,
I was flirting with her male friend at a pub,
obviously lighthearted and before we were dating, so.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
There were pretty clear signs.
Speaker 3 (23:31):
They were big old neon signs flashing general.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Obviously, if someone has a pride pin, it doesn't necessarily
it could mean there at all. But if someone has
a very specific pride pin, maybe we could do a
little bit of you know, cognitive thinking.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
My boyfriend is a big fan of the color spectrum.
This is the rainbow, Oh, just imagining someone's like, yeah,
I don't know, he just has a bunch of life.
He said, that's so like, Sorry, I thought I thought
we were also started to know that the visible spectrum
is you know.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Just the way that you said that didn't sound like anyway, Okay.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
So anyway, I apologize for not telling her and asked
what the big deal was. She's not a closet officer
by any means, and I didn't understand why she was
getting so angry. Buddy, I think she might be. I
think you're about to find out that she actually doesn't
like that.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
I think there is this thing where like, very often
when you have straight women who are dating a bye
man or just straight women general who are like, I
wouldn't date a bye man because he's been with men,
and like automatically see them as gay, as like just gay.
They're like, oh, they're not actually interested in women and
have that which is you are being a closet officer
(24:47):
if you think that they're not interested in women because
they've been interested in men, and like that's a like
I have a friend whose ex girlfriend he was telling me,
He's like yeah, Like she was talking her friends and
was and they were saying that they would never date
a buy man, right why, Like I understand.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
I would never date a bye man because they don't exist.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It's just gay. That's kind of the That is.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
What a lot of people think. Those are the kind
of people who see neapolitan ice cream and they just
break down into did you start crying and weeping?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
No, it's the type of people that are like buy
men are actually gay and buy women are straight because
everyone has to like men.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Well, my take on that is being bye is gay
and straight. It's both.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Tada, you've done it, but it's at least a little gay. Yeah,
it's gay, but they just think they're full gay.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
It's also a little straight.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
It's also that's that's the point.
Speaker 4 (25:44):
Of the name. That's why we call it bye.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
And that's why it's got its own names, the whole deal.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
I told her as such, and she stared at me blankly, appalled,
as if I should know. She said she didn't like
being lied to, which again I didn't lie. She never
asked and it never came up.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
She also assumed that you were straight.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Right, Okay. I get why she was upset at that
it could be seen as hurtful and she's sensitive. We
both are, so I understood and apologized. She then said
she couldn't believe I had ever been with a guy
and that it was weird.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Yikes.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
I asked her why it was weird. I said that
I've seen pictures with her and her exes and that
I was okay with it. And she said the X
thing didn't bother her. It's that my ex was a guy.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Yes, because she's across the officer.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
This baffles me more.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
She's just undercover, because again she's not a closet officer. Wow,
I think we've I think we've.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
Reached the problem she is if it walks like a
duck she is.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Just because she's not saying slurs doesn't mean that you
know she is a being prejudiced.
Speaker 4 (26:55):
I know exactly what you were thinking. Keep reading.
Speaker 3 (26:58):
This baffles me more because again, and she's not a
closet officer. At least I didn't think she.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Was there it is.
Speaker 3 (27:05):
She asked if I ever thought I was just gay
and not by yep, there it is, she said.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
No.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
I said I liked girls before I ever knew I
liked guys. She said to me, she didn't really believe
in Bye Tea said that it wasn't a good look
for the community, or something along those lines.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
What is that?
Speaker 3 (27:26):
What imagine that line used in literally any other content?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Not a good luck, it's not a good luck?
Speaker 3 (27:33):
I imagine imagine she dropped that line about an inter
racial couple. She would be literally ran out of town.
And she's just like, eh, it's just opinion one or
the other. I don't think it's a good look for
the community. You're insane, I said, Well, I am one,
so that's the proof, right. The argument basically went around
(27:55):
in circles at that point until we went to bed.
We haven't really spokenperly since. Whenever I try, she interrupts
me and tells me that she can't believe I was
gay before her and lied about it, which again, I'm
not gay. I'm by I like girls. I like her.
It's so frustrating to me because she won't even hear
me out and just tells me she feels betrayed that
(28:17):
I lied to her and she thinks I'm just dating
her because I don't want to fully commit to being gay.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Yikes.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
So like we should be breaking up, Yeah, we should
be breaking up.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Yeah, that is an insane point of view. That's crazy.
You've been with this person and to think. And also
I don't even like the the oh, you lied to
me thing, which oh P already apologizes for. But I
don't even like that because one she assumed is, you know,
his sexuality.
Speaker 3 (28:44):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
And also just given the way that he brought up, like, oh, yeah,
that's my ex. Clearly is open about it. Yeah, clearly
wasn't intentionally hiding anything. So like, what are you talking about?
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Just the indefensible position. Yeah, Opie's soon to be I hope, actually,
I hope. So she hasn't broken up with me as
of yet, but I feel like she's going to if
we keep arguing like this and she won't let me
get a word in. Say, am I the a hole brother?
I think you need to be the one breaking up?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (29:15):
What mm mmm mm hmmm. It's just I feel like,
really the core of this it comes from like maybe
not even like homophobia or anything, just like like a
place where it's like, well, it's like now I have
to feel insecure about every other person who's not me. Well,
but that's not I have to worry about every other
person on the planet potentially being able to take my man.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
But that's biphobia, Cause it's like it's the it's the
idea that oh, because in a relationship, let's say you're
with we're a straight person in a relationship with a
straight woman, straight man, you if you are thinking that
everyone's going to steal your partner, and your partner's going
to cheat on everyone. You know, all of those men
or women, you know, then you're not in a healthy
(30:00):
relationship the same.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
That's what I'm trying to say. I'm saying I think
this just comes from a place of like probably already insecure.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Yeah, but now it's like, oh my god, I'm saying
it doesn't exist.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
Well, of course you're just gay.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
Like those those are all rooted and heavy amounts of biphobia,
or should I say, which also comes from insecurity, because
I think there's this like insecurity from well, i'll talk
about straight women because it's in that's what we're discussing
in the story. But there's this insecurity from like certain
straight women who think that they'll lose their boyfriends to
(30:35):
a gay man because they're like, oh, he's not actually
into me, Like he's not by so he's he must
be only into man.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
Like.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
There's that thinking which comes from biphobia.
Speaker 3 (30:47):
There's an edit. Nothing has happened with the situation because
it's the middle of the night and I posted this
a few hours ago, but this seems to have blown
up a little bit. So I'm going to clarify and
clear things up. First of all, those people who think
I'm going to give my girlfriend in STD or convinced
I have AIDS or whatever, f off. Genuinely, I'm sorry.
I don't like being mean to people, even over the internet,
(31:08):
but far too many of you seem to have this thought.
First of all, my girlfriend insisted that we both get
tested before we did anything, because she got one from
a previous partner and doesn't want that to happen again.
Sell all of you convinced that I slept around with
men and contracted some kind of virus. I have never
had traditional spicy sleep with a guy. The only guy
(31:29):
I've ever been with was first relationship with said ax
mentioned in the post, and my only other relationship has
been with a woman who took my v card, which
the relationship only lasted a month. Anyway, So stop now
to clarify some important things. Yes, I know I should
have mentioned I was by her once we started dating,
but truthfully, it didn't even occur to me. Look, I
(31:51):
don't know, like it's it's not like a penicillin allergy. Like,
it's not like you have to like be by the hi.
It's nice to meet you, I'm like, I'm Danny, I'm yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
I think there's this expectation that queer people have to
and also not on both Like I think that queer
people expect themselves to have to come out constantly. It's
like this thing that you never have to stop you
you can never stop doing over the course of your life.
But that doesn't mean that you have to do that
no one. You don't owe anyone like an announcement. You
(32:24):
clearly aren't hiding it, you know. If she assumed that
you were straight, that's kind of her thing that she
needs to reckon with. Like, you literally were not trying
to hide it at all. You had a pride flag, right,
She just assumed you were straight.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
She said, who's that guy in that picture? And you
went immediately, oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Like you weren't like it was just a friend, Like
you weren't lying it.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
It was then that I knew he'd been hiding it
from me this whole time. Yeah, I'm a little airheaded
and thoughtless, not very good at communicating with people in general,
and can be quite thoughtless and annoying. Oh buddy, let's
talk with the negative self talk. Huh. Most of my
friends back home are queer, and a lot of hers
are too, from what they all said when I met
(33:11):
them for the first time. I've also been told that
you can tell I'm by by a lot of people,
including my own parents. So with all that, it completely
didn't occur to me to tell her. I do know, though,
that it really isn't an excuse, and that I should
have told her immediately in the pursuit of transparency. No,
stop it, I know. It's it's like the same thing
(33:32):
and being like, I don't know, like I broke my
wrist when I was seven. It's like you've been lying
to me our entire relationship. I didn't know you broke
your wrists.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I think if she had said, hey, how many partners
have you had, and then you purposely withheld that one
partner that you in high school, maybe that that would
have been kind of you know, you're hiding something. But
it doesn't seem like she asked that until that moment, right,
you know, like there was no.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
I'm working on my community skills and knowing when to
be more mindful and mention things even if they don't
seem important to me. I wasn't trying to hide it,
and I wasn't trying to make her guests by leaving
little hints here and there. I thought it was obvious,
so I didn't mention it. Clearly it wasn't, and I
need to be more mindful. I would never lie to
her on purpose to be malicious. You don't do that
(34:19):
to people you love. I hate this so much.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
He's taking all of this on him. Yeah, she literally said,
I don't believe that it exists. Yeah, it's a bad
look for the community.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
Dang, he's acting like it's like, oh, it's my bad.
I should have let her know she should be bigoted
towards me earlier. Wait, earlier, and that's all on me.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
What she is telling you is I wish she had
told me earlier so that I didn't date you. That's
what she's saying.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
I've been with my girlfriend for almost six months. The
reason this didn't come up in the beginning of our
relationship is because it was quite a whirlwind in the beginning,
as in, we met in December and four days later
she began a week's stay at my flag, so we
moved quite fast. My girlfriend attends university close by as
well as having a job, so we may get to
see each other over the weekend or maybe a Friday
(35:08):
date night, but that's about it. So I like making
the most of my time with her, so we don't
talk about serious stuff all that much. People thinking that
I'm going to cheat on her or think that she
thinks I'm going to cheat on her. I hope I've
made it clear to her that that isn't something that
would happen. I love and adore her so much that
it physically hurts when I don't get to see her
for over a week. Huh. I'm not interested in being
(35:29):
with anyone else spicily at all, because I'm not in
love with anyone else other than her. The majority of
these comments are calling her a closet officer by phobick,
and well, I don't really know what to think about
that right now. Yeah, I think we can think. Maybe
it's a possibility if she denies the existence of by people.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Yeah, buddy, sorry, Ah, it sucks. It's not something that
she can't grow and learn and you know, hopefully change
her mind about, but it is a true fact right now.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
It's just such a weird thing to deny someone.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
You don't It's like that one guy who's like I
don't think women exist.
Speaker 3 (36:08):
Remember that one story we really Yeah, it's like women or
women are real women. It's the beauty of the gay cation,
the beauty of gay Casha. It's just like this intense denial.
That's what he needs. She's one step away from being like, Ope,
I think you just need to go on a gaycation.
Just get it out of your system. It's okay. I'm
okay that you can. You're gay off for a week
(36:28):
with these guys on the gay cation and just come
back to me straight as an arrow. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
People don't like to live in the gray area. They
like black or white. They say this is either this
thing or this thing. It can't be in between.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
Everyone's a little bit gay.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Come on, eating the chocolate vanilla swirl cone and someone's like,
that's not real.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
It's not real.
Speaker 3 (36:48):
It's not real. Like I'm eating it right now, it's
it's real. It's like, no, it's not, it's not real. Nope,
and you're bad. I need to talk to her properly.
She's a very emotional person, which is something I absolutely
door about her, but it does mean when she's angry,
she lashes out. I need to talk to her about
it all, and I need to talk to her friends.
I'm not throwing this away if she was just lashing
(37:10):
out or being ignorant, She's not an unreasonable person. She
only knows about my most recent ex because she was
asking about a scar on my forehead the boy, and
I told her the story, which included her. Yes, she
does love me and doesn't care about my spicy sleep
drive or lack thereof. She's not manipulating or gaslighting me.
(37:31):
She is just letting me know when I've done things wrong,
which I like because no one else ever tells when
I've done things wrong. Imby, I'm not gay, she's not
a beard. I like guys, I like girls. I love her.
If I missed anything, it's because it's three am and
I'm tired. If you want further clarification, comment and I'll
(37:53):
try to answer. And we have a consensus here. It's
not the ale, but we have an update here the key.
What are we thinking?
Speaker 2 (38:02):
I mean, I understand that he doesn't want to just
like break up with her right away, but I also
think that there is a little bit of denial going on,
a lot of bit of denial going on. I think
that he's like, no, she loves me. She couldn't possibly
be thinking this about me. I know she said it,
but she couldn't possibly be thinking this.
Speaker 3 (38:20):
I think it was pretty She is pretty clear being
like and for those of you saying she's a closet officer, yeah,
I'm gonna have to think about that a little bit more.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
I guess like she's telling you that you made a
mistake for existing.
Speaker 3 (38:35):
Seems like, uh, she just doesn't want a day to
buy person. Yeah. And I want to make it clear
that I feel paranoid that I'm being interpreted as saying that,
like by people will cheat or are more likely to
cheat because I'm being like, well, you got to you
gotta watch out for more people. I'm not Look when
I say competition, I'm not being like yeah, and then
(38:56):
they're just gonna go cheat on me with that person.
It's like no. But it's like if I'm dating somebody
and they could theoretically leave me for Chapel Roone. Okay,
and now I have to worry about Chapel Rone.
Speaker 4 (39:06):
You're better than Chapel Roone.
Speaker 3 (39:07):
I mean sure, I can. I can gas myself up
and be like, I got I'm better than Chapel.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
Roone, Are you okay but like need a confidence boost? Chad?
Could you all say that Dakota is good looking because
he's now he's just scared because there's.
Speaker 3 (39:19):
Stuff Chapel Roone can can bring to the table. I can't.
What do you mean? So that's the you bring so
much more? It's not about bringing more or lesser, being
better or worse. It's just about being different. So if
I have a partner and they're like, I think I
want a different thing now, I don't know. I got
you right now? You know, I don't know. It's not
about being worried that they're gonna buy infidelitus. It's just
(39:40):
like it's an extra layer of like intricacy, undeniably right.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I feel like in trying to dig yourself out of
a hole, you I don't feel like there's a whole
dug in an ant tunnel system.
Speaker 3 (39:53):
Okay, so you don't have to it. How is it
a whole to say that? Though it's not.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
I think that you thought that you would ug yourself
a hole, and then you tried to dig yourself out
of it, and then doing so created a network of catacombs.
Speaker 4 (40:08):
And now you are and that lost you are lost your.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
So it's just that you gotta be You gotta be
on point when the competition is everybody.
Speaker 4 (40:20):
What what do you mean you're by partner? If you
date a buy person and they pick you, they pick you,
all right?
Speaker 3 (40:27):
Hey, Keon, how many people have you dated? Are you
dating the first person you ever dated that did that
work out?
Speaker 4 (40:33):
No?
Speaker 3 (40:33):
This is what I'm talking about. I don't end up
dating the same person all the time.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
What Dakota's saying, please can you say it the right way? Then?
Speaker 3 (40:42):
Please say it?
Speaker 2 (40:44):
No, I just think you've already said it and you're
trying to dig yourself out of a hole.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
That now I feel like I've just been saying it wrong.
You said you say?
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Dakota is saying that when you're dating someone you're you
might be concern that there's better people out there, and
when you are dating a bye person you're doubly concerned.
That doesn't mean that's cooking they want to cheat on you.
But my point is I don't think you were ever
(41:14):
in a hole. I think you thought you were in
a hole, and you try to think yourself.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
We're talking about me now, No, don't talk about me.
Talking about the point, talking about the point you're not
cooking anymore.
Speaker 4 (41:23):
Yeah, that's right. Maya Jambalaya update.
Speaker 3 (41:26):
I hope y'all liked that too. That was fun. No,
I know it's okay. I just wanted to make sure
you would. No, I don't think that.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Hey it's sam og Host. We're going get back to
these delectable stories. But here's three minutes of ads from
our sponsors to help support the show.
Speaker 3 (41:44):
I posted my initial post on Friday night. I hadn't
seen or heard from my girlfriend since Tuesday. I sent
her the link to this post on Saturday afternoon and
told her that once she felt ready, I would like
it if she came over so we could talk about
it in person. About three hours later, she was at
my flat. She hadn't eaten and it was late, so
I cooked and we ate in silence. She didn't really
(42:07):
look mad, but she obviously wasn't very happy. It's crazy
hearing this because I feel like, OHP is the one
who should be mad.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Yeah, it's like, OHP is so stuck in the thinking
that he's done something wrong when he literally just exists
and she's recogning with her own And I think by
letting her think that you've done something wrong. It's giving
her like you're kind of validating her point right, not intentionally,
(42:35):
of course, like you're not doing anything wrong, but like
I think that in her mind she's like, oh, well,
you admitted it, so I'm right there you go, but
you've done nothing wrong.
Speaker 4 (42:43):
Right.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
Once we had finished and I'd cleaned up, she told
me that she's sorry she's ignored me for four days bikes.
I told her that it was fine and that she
didn't need to apologize, and she clearly needed space. I
decided to bite the and just get into it. I
apologized for not telling her properly this time. I told
(43:05):
her that I shouldn't have assumed she'd just be okay
with it because I expected her to. I told her
that even if I don't think it's a big deal
or that it didn't even cross my mind, that I
had to tell her, I understood that it was clearly
dishonest of me, and that I don't really have a
good excuse for why didn't.
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Brother is you do have a good excuse.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
To be clear, this is all wrong, and he I
feel like this the OP feels like just like all
the responsibility to address or fix any problem in the
relationship is on him. Yeah, even when it comes down
to like, oh, you just don't accept my actual identity. Okay,
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
That, Like you're apologizing for being yourself.
Speaker 3 (43:46):
Yeah, so don't do that. Like you can do that
in a political tactical way where it's like I'm just
making I'm appeasing somebody, but like, don't ever feel in
your heart that, like you're like, ah, yeah, this thing
I wasn't hiding from you.
Speaker 2 (44:01):
Even I literally said, I shouldn't have assumed you would
have been okay dating a by person, which is crazy.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
What I tried to never lie to her, especially about
important things. And whilst I don't see this is lying
because it's not, I now do see that it could
be interpreted as that, or that I've got things to hide.
I told her as such, and she told me to
stop apologizing. Okay, she said something right. She explained that
she'd read my post as well as the comments, and
(44:28):
I asked what she thought about it. She was quiet
for a minute before she told me that she didn't
like people calling her a closet office and that she
didn't think she was being that She just didn't understand
how a person could be.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
By b B, I don't even understand that. You don't
What do you mean to understand? I don't just again,
imagine likes man, imagine personalize everyone?
Speaker 3 (44:54):
What imagine that sentence? Any other concept. It's like saying
I don't understand how someone can be woman.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
It's like a person likes orange, person likes apple.
Speaker 3 (45:04):
Yuh, you like blof what?
Speaker 4 (45:07):
I have an apple? I have a pen?
Speaker 3 (45:10):
He on? But how are you Filipino? When you're Jewish
you have to be one? How does that work? I
don't understand it.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
And that actually is a lot of history. That's what
they did.
Speaker 4 (45:23):
So when a man and a woman fall in love
and now what wait? What is a man? And now
I don't understand?
Speaker 3 (45:31):
Okay. I tried to stay calm because I could see
she was overthinking and getting upset. I told her that
I don't think she's a closet officer either, not as
a whole anyway, and then I tried to explain it
to her as simply as possible. I didn't want her
to think I was speaking to her like a child,
or that I was being condescending, but I did have
(45:51):
to use simple terms to make sure there was absolutely
no room for misinterpretation. I asked her, but you understand
how guys can like girls and how girls can like guys,
and she said yes. I then asked, do you also
understand how a woman could like another woman or how
a guy could like another guy? And she said yes again.
(46:11):
I then said, okay, now stick with me.
Speaker 2 (46:14):
Stick with me.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
I asked her then why she didn't think it could
be possible to like girls as well as.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
Guys, and she's like, well, now you've lost me.
Speaker 3 (46:23):
And she didn't really say anything, dude, because the gears
in her head got stuck. She's like, and the smoke
started to fizzle out of her ears.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
And Smantha Elisa's girlfriend is an idiot. The thing is
that it's not even like idiocy, because I know a
lot of people in my life who also share this
same thinking, who are very smart. And I'm like, how,
but it's this like cognitive dissonance, And I'm like, I
(46:53):
I don't understand how you can just not put two
and two together.
Speaker 4 (46:57):
Yes, Maya, Well now you've lost me.
Speaker 2 (46:59):
It's like this intense binary thinking that they cannot allow
themselves to break out, of which I.
Speaker 3 (47:07):
Binary thinking, and I could see the cogs turning in
her head. She said that she couldn't see how you
could like both. Humans are hardwired to like only one gender,
and so if I was saying that I liked guys first,
and by her logic, I could only be attracted to
one gender, then I must be gay. I was very
(47:27):
confused because I'm not a scientist by any means, but
I definitely know that that isn't true. I'm not a scientist,
but I do know I'm dating a woman right now,
so I don't know.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
I do know I am in love and attracted to
a woman right now.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
So you're wrong between a rock and a hard place.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
It's like staring at the man being like, yeah, that's blue,
and someone be like, no, it's green. I'm telling you
it's screen. Yeah, but it's a scientists said it was green,
and then they're like, no, I'm looking at it right now.
Speaker 3 (47:56):
Like you know the color green. So when you take
the color blue and yellow, it makes green no no, no, no,
no no no no, only blue or yellow? Only blue
or yellow? No green, no green, yellow. My socks are
blue because if you put both those colors together, then
it's a different color and we can't have that, dude.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
I've got I've got blue, green, and yellow right here.
Speaker 3 (48:16):
I asked where she had heard this. She told me
that an old friend who she met at her old
job was a major LGBTQ activist and was explaining things
to her. Okay, so this is really interesting.
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Did she use those words? Did she say LGBTQ, Did
she say lgb TQ.
Speaker 3 (48:37):
No, there's there is a thing within the gay community.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
Yeah, I know there is a lot of by in
the queer community and it's absolutely.
Speaker 3 (48:45):
Been around for a long time.
Speaker 2 (48:47):
Oh yeah, no, it's on both sides.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
It makes perfect sense for her to have heard this
from somebody I'm just saying who was probably positioning presenting
themselves as like I'm an authority on this.
Speaker 2 (49:00):
I just think it is hilarious if she said, yeah,
I've I know if my friend is a major LGBTQ
activity activist, and I'd be like, sorry, be what's the
what's the before THEB?
Speaker 3 (49:14):
What?
Speaker 2 (49:15):
So I didn't hear that?
Speaker 3 (49:16):
What literally in the in the acronym?
Speaker 2 (49:19):
Yeah, She's like, no, no, no, bee stands for bigot.
Speaker 3 (49:21):
Oh my god. I told her that's not right. She
told me it was. I asked what possible evidence she
could have for that. She didn't have any, But she
said that this friend was deep into the queer community.
I don't know him, I didn't ask, and that I'm
not really involved, so she's more inclined to believe is old,
this old friend rather than me.
Speaker 2 (49:42):
Oh, oh my god, she has learned nothing.
Speaker 3 (49:44):
All I have to say is it's Pride Month. Yeah.
I was hurt, of course, really hurt that she would
say this, But I couldn't get mad because then we'd
just both be mad at upset, and we'd be in
exactly the same place we were five days ago. So
I decided to change tactics. Is the tactic breaking up
with her?
Speaker 2 (50:00):
Please?
Speaker 3 (50:01):
I asked her that if I've had a boyfriend, and
if I'm not secretive about liking guys, why on earth
would I be dating her. I told her that me
admitting I like guys clearly shows that expressing that kind
of attraction wasn't an issue for me, So why would
I be using her as a cover And what would
be the point of using her as a cover if
I was a gay in the first place. She told
(50:24):
me it's because I was embarrassed. I asked her about
what again? Goalposts moved. I asked her about what she
said that you like guys, I told her, I'm not embarrassed.
I asked her if I looked embarrassed at any point
on the day all this went down. I asked her
if I looked embarrassed now, and then she reluctantly said no.
I asked her why I would agree to and actively
(50:47):
pursue dating her if I wasn't attracted to girls. She
got mad at this point, but I eventually managed to
calm her down. Again. Get me mad at this point, brother, you.
Speaker 2 (50:57):
Just really admiring Opie's pation.
Speaker 3 (51:00):
We took a breather. I went to my room, she
went to the balcony, and when we reconvened back in
the living room, she asked why I was dating her.
I told her because I love her, That's why. I
told her that I thought she was funny and smart
and gorgeous, and that she had so much life in
her that I found it a privilege to even be
near her, let alone to date her. She told me
(51:21):
that she believed me, but she still didn't understand. She
asked if it was a phase, then, oh, my school
and I told her no. I said to her plainly,
I am attracted to girls and I'm attracted to guys.
She asked me if this meant I wanted to date
a guy then instead of her. I told her, no, Babe,
this is in This would.
Speaker 5 (51:40):
Drive me insane. This would drive me insane. I like
Scorsese movies. I like Spielberg movies. I can watch both
of them.
Speaker 2 (51:52):
Like like, this is like debating with a child, right,
They're like, why is the sky blue? This guy's blue?
But why I don't understand what this guy's blue?
Speaker 3 (52:00):
Do you like spaghetti or do you like penney? You
only get one, and if you pick both, I hate you.
I feel like I'm I'm comparing being gay to very trivial,
trivial things, but not on purpose, but just to illustrate
how absurd her lact of understanding it.
Speaker 2 (52:19):
You're doing it well, it makes sense.
Speaker 3 (52:22):
She asked if I wanted to date a guy as
well as her, and again I said no. She asked
why I was so determined to be acknowledged as by, which.
Speaker 2 (52:32):
Is insane because he never even brought it up.
Speaker 3 (52:38):
He wasn't yearning to be acknowledged as by he thought
she was upset that she thought he was lying quote
unquote to her the whole time. He's so nonchalant about it,
he doesn't even care. I told her, being a bye
is just a fact about me, just like that I
love books and the color purple, and that I hate
(52:59):
the smell of grape scented felt tips. I told her
those were all facts about me too, but they don't
affect our relationship, so neither should this one. I asked
her why it bothered her so much, besides the whole
not believing by people exist thing, I said, I know
it's more than that, because you wouldn't have gotten so
angry if it was just that. She explained that she
(53:21):
thought me telling her was my way of hinting I
was going to break up with her. I laughed ahaha,
and asked in what world that would make sense. I
had told her because she asked, and that if I
was going to break up with her, which wasn't going
to happen, then I would have just done it and
not been cruel about it or dragged it out. Is
(53:42):
just a fact that she saw that as that that's
what you were doing. Such a red flag because that
means she would do that.
Speaker 2 (53:49):
Yeah, she would do.
Speaker 3 (53:50):
That to you. She said that she thought me saying
I was by and her not thinking it was real
was me trying to take the easy way out, so
she got mad. Almost two am on Sunday by the
time we got to this point, so we decided to
stop and carry on in the morning. When I woke up,
I was worried and trying to prepare my points in
my head, like I do before I say anything important.
(54:10):
But I didn't really have to. My girlfriend walked back
into the bedroom with two mugs. She made me sit
up and handed it to me with the promise that
she could speak first. I nodded and took the mug.
The speaking mugs, she sat next to me and said
that she didn't sleep well, that she couldn't stop thinking
about everything, and she said that she still didn't understand,
not really, but that she loves me and she knows
(54:33):
that I love her, and she's going to try and
understand because she didn't want to lose me or what
we have, and that she doesn't like to be ignorant.
Dang man, I guess the best thing she could have said,
other than like, oh, I get it.
Speaker 2 (54:47):
It took so long just to get there exhausting. It's
like a full labor.
Speaker 3 (54:52):
I thanked her and said I'd send her some resources.
So if you guys have any that explain byness or
anything in that van and then please link them. We
agreed that we would try and push past this, and
that we would make sure to tell each other everything
from now on, no matter if it seemed or important
or not. She's taking counseling at her university to try
(55:12):
and manage her anger and control her emotions. And by
the way, you can control how many full episodes with
stories just like this you listen to, and it should
be all of them. You can go listen to them.
It's Spotify or iHeartRadio or Apple podcasts wherever you listen
to podcasts. Just search Okay story time and you can
(55:33):
listen to over two thousand episodes. Crazy yeah, But what's
even crazier is we're almost at the end of the story.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
Thank goodness. Wow, this person is op he is a saint,
and his girlfriend is just frustrating Opie.
Speaker 3 (55:50):
You might as well just become an Olympic track start
the amount of circles you're running in.
Speaker 2 (55:54):
With with your girlfriend's guy because wow, yeah, Wow.
Speaker 3 (55:59):
That's the end of it for now. Ye We're obviously
still in rocky waters. And if anything else happens and
people want me to update, then I will. But I
think that's basically all of it. Our talk on Sunday
morning was long, but I summed it up as this
post is very long already. Also for the people asking
me to ask her friends about if they knew about
this behavior, I asked one of her friends whose number
I have, and she said that it wasn't an issue
(56:21):
a few years ago, but she suddenly started asking about
it around the same time she had met that girl
from her old job. Apparently everyone in the friend group
had called her stupid or something for believing that, but
that was all that really happened. I've asked about who
this old coworker is, but I haven't gotten a reply yet. Okay,
thanks everyone, And that is the end of that story.
(56:41):
So even her friends were like, yeah, she I don't know.
Somebody told her by people weren't real and she just
ate it up and we all called her sleeping that.
Speaker 2 (56:48):
He was just like, yeah, that guy told me, and
everyone's like, what guy, And she's like, I don't know.
He's not here anymore, he doesn't go here anymore. I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (56:56):
But he said he was King of the gays. Yeah,
so I believed him, you know. I I took him
as an authority.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
But folks, that's the end of that story.
Speaker 3 (57:04):
And the end of that episode.
Speaker 2 (57:06):
So if you love us, make sure to subscribe.
Speaker 3 (57:08):
We love you and see you tomorrow.
Hey, this is Sam, this is John. We're the ancient
two Case Storytime podcast hosts, and we have some ancient
wisdom in the stories coming up. If you want to
hear the wisdom from two old heads that know more
than they know what to do with, you're gonna have
to wait for a quick message from our sponsors for
the next two minutes or so.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
My fiance wore my wedding dress under the influence and
ruined it.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Are you sure he wasn't slaying?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
This sounds completely ridiculous, but it really happened, and I
can't stop thinking about it. Some people are telling me
I completely overreacted, and I'm starting to question myself. What
do you think he did?
Speaker 3 (00:38):
I think you get drinky and he ripped Ooh yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
I'm twenty eight and was supposed to get married last
weekend to my fiancee, Nick, who's thirty. We've been together
for four years. He's funny and a little bit impulsive,
but I always thought he had a good judgment. He
drinks socially, but I've never seen him totally out of
control until now. By the way, this comes from Rude
Winter nine one, nine two, and if you want to
(01:04):
spit your own stories. Go to the rs slash Okay
story Time, Separate It, Shoe Dang. The night before our wedding,
I stayed at home with my sister and two of
my bridesmaids for a relaxed night. Nick went out with
his groomsman. I expect him to come home tipsy at
most at around one thirty in the morning. He came
home absolutely schwated, slurring, stumbling, sweaty. I was brushing my
(01:28):
teeth when I heard him banging around the guest room.
When I went to check, I saw him dragging my
wedding dress out of the closet.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Uh no, but you've.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Caught him, so you can say, hey, stop.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Yeah, you go. What are you doing?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I asked what he was doing, and he just laughed
and said, you want to see how it felt to
be the bride?
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Oh no, oh no.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I told him to put it back and not to
touch it, but he was not listening at all. Right
in front of me, he stripped down completely and started
putting on the dress. He could barely get it over
his body and kept tripping over the train. I didn't
know what to say. Then he dropped the floor in
the dress, still laughing. Then he went quiet, looked up
(02:21):
at me with a panic face and said, oh no,
he said, oh, oh no. A few seconds later, he
had an accident.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Oh no, diarrhea.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Oh no, I don't even want to read this part.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Oh it was bad.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
I'm just gonna say it was bad.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Oh, it's so much worse than what I thought.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
And I thought you ripped at the dress, but he
just ripped himself.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
He ripped.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
That's maybe the worst possible option.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Oh man, that's gross. Just it was thrown into a furnace. Yeah,
and incinerated. Maybe that's better, might actually be better.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
I stood there and shock while he started crying and
try to get out of the dress, which only made
more of a mess. Oh oh, it was everywhere.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
It's no longer a white dress. It's a brown dress. Ye.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I told him to get in the shower and I left.
I drove straight to my mom's house and didn't take
any of his calls. The next morning, I called off
the wedding. The day of the wedding, I mean, how
do you get married after that? Well? You know what? Actually? No, Yeah,
I was gonna say, like, maybe that's like the final test.
(03:33):
It's like the final test. If you still love the
person after that, it's like, okay, you guys are ready,
but that's pretty bad.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
It's just like, why is this happening now? Now?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
The day before?
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Also is that typically when the bachelor party's supposed to
happen the day before.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
The weds I have to say, like, why was he
so like wasted the day before the wedding?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Why would you want to be hung over the day before?
Speaker 3 (04:00):
What are we doing?
Speaker 4 (04:01):
I've done some stuff for like the bachelor party before
the night before, but they're like, you know, don't do it,
don't go go out of control.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Yeah, there's a whole movie about that.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
It's the weird part is that she said that he's
never done this or doesn't do this, and this is
like the first time she had ever even seen him
out of.
Speaker 4 (04:18):
Control, like the one time, the one time.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Why is it happening the day before your wedding?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Maybe it's like the pre wedding jitters and it just got.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
No now it's a pre wedding. Oh man, I can't
say it.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Since then, Nick has apologized over and over. He said
he blacked out and barely remembers what happened. His family
is furious with me and saying, I'm throwing away a
great relationship over a wasted mistake. Some of my friends
agree and think I should have postponed instead of canceling.
Even my maid of honors said I might be letting
emotions take over and that it wasn't unforgivable.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Ah see, but like they were telling me, it'd be
like y'all didn't.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
See it, Like y'all didn't y'all didn't smell it.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
She said exactly what happened, you know.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
I mean, like, like, would.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You if your partner had this happen, would you just
say they got wasted and ruined the dress? Because I
probably wouldn't say everything that happened if I was still
like thinking about staying.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Yeah, I think I think they've checked out. I think
it's one of those things where it's like I just
can't ever look at you again without seeing you pooping
yourself in my wedding dress. So I don't think it's
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
No, I'm saying, do you think that she told everyone else?
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Well, I mean I think if you're planning on staying,
you probably wouldn't. If you're planning on leaving, you don't
really care. Yeah, because I think, yeah, I think it's over.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Well, she's only said that she canceled the wedding. We
don't know if they're like breaking up, which they might be.
But I feel like if she's planning on breaking out
with them, probably told everyone. If she's not planning, she
might not have told everyone, And so that's why maybe
they're like, oh, it's forgivable. He just like got wasted.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
Maybe the ball is rolling down.
Speaker 4 (05:59):
I don't know at this moment for all three of us,
where do we stand. Do we break up or we
just like like postpone the wedding and like have a
actual discussion.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
I would postpone the wedding. I wouldn't break up until
I had an actual conversation because we don't know why
this happened.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
Yeah, what if he was like, oh no, honey, Like
I don't like you tell him, like because he doesn't know.
He's like he legitimately doesn't know.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I mean, I don't want to jump to the worst conclusion,
but there are a lot of reasons why a person,
you know, like there's a he might have been given
something you know that he didn't know about. Like that's
the worst possible thing. But like there are so many
different reasons why it could have been that he got
super wasted and didn't realize. You know, there are a
(06:45):
lot of different reasons, some that we are totally within
his control, some that are not. And I would want
to have a conversation before I made any like huge decisions.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
I think you can not get married. I think if
it's me, I'm like, all right, I'm no longer ready
to get married. Deep Oh yes, yeah, I don't know.
I didn't know you were capable of such things.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
But I feel like something broke that night. I didn't
just feel disgusted, I felt disrespected. The dress wasn't just expensive,
it was important to me. It symbolized something. I cannot
unsee what happened. I can't laugh about it or move
on like it's just one bad night. I don't know
how to look at him the same way. Am I
overreacting for calling off the wedding? Relevant comments? Does Nick
(07:27):
have problems with booze or substances? Opie says he's never
had problems with booze before, or not that I know of.
At least. Do you think it's a sign of something worse?
Commoner Wan says, is this something that happens often. Does
he often get blackout wasted? If yes, consider this a
bullet dodged. Either way, it's a little concerning. He got
blackout wasted the day before your wedding. I think you
(07:49):
need to have a conversation to figure out whether this
is a relationship worth saving. Opi says, No, this is
the first time he's ever gotten this wasted in the
time I've known him, which is why I think I
might be over reacting. Omar One says, is it possible
that someone puts something in his drink? Which is what
I was thinking from your description? This is not in
character for your fiance. Opie says, I hadn't thought of that.
(08:10):
Maybe could it really have caused all of that? Also,
he was out with his friends, not like he was
with strangers. Yeah, but you know, there are many circumstances
that you know many, Yeah, it's it can happen.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
Look, I don't even think it has anything to do
with the circumstances the context. I think it's the same thing.
It's the same kind of situation of like, if someone
like cheats on you and you get back together, you're
still always gonna you know, you might have a situation
where it's like when I see you, I just see
you like with that other guy. And now it's like,
regardless of if you meant to or if you were
blacked out or if whatever, when I see you, I
(08:46):
see that version of you that did that in the
wedding dress right before we got married, and I can't
stop seeing it. So I don't like if that's the case. Yeah,
I don't know where you go from there. A spot
of therapy maybe, yeah, to forget it. Come on, some diapers.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Somn or two says people are still themselves when they
are blackout wasted.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
That's not true. That's not that is that is that
is the most least.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
That's just a weird comment to make, to be like,
people are themselves when they're blackout wasted. Like I'm this
man would not, you know, not cognizant, like relieve himself
if he were sober.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
This man's been wanting to poop in a wedding dress
his whole life.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
He's always wanted to, Like, come on, that's a.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
That's an every wedding dress he sees when he is wasted,
he's like, that's my next start.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, that's an excuse that's like a thing that you
say when somebody cheets on their partner.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
That's my toilet paper. I see the cut too of
this guy. He's standing in front in front of the
window of a bridle shop, just like looking longingly into it,
and then in sides like what are you thinking about, honey?
He goes, Oh, nothing, you wouldn't understand.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
I got to go to the bathroom now.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah, I seeing my husband fend off flirt women when
he was so wasted. He was still himself when he
ignored you. He was still himself when he wore your
wedding dress, something that is obviously special and off limits.
I disagree with this. Yeah, the dress is the most
important item of the most important day of your life,
and he pooped on it. No one forced him to
get that wasted, and he was still himself when wasted. Ope,
(10:19):
he says, I don't know. I'm worried some of his
friends might have been pressuring him to drink. Commander three says,
it's the series of bad decisions that gets me here,
first getting pissed or in this case, crap wasted the
night before your wedding. Thirty year olds can't bounce back
like a twenty one year old can being hung over
at your own wedding is a bad look. Go him
at the bachelor party, sure, but maybe keep it to
(10:41):
a couple drink smacks the night before. Second, it's deciding
to wastedly put on your fiance's dress. I'll be honest,
I'd be terrified to go anywhere near it until after
the wedding. I wouldn't want to be the cause of
any sort of issue with it, especially with T minus
twenty four hours until the wedding. Third, it's the decision,
did you keep going even though you're struggling and ignoring
(11:02):
or pleas to stop? Are to excuse so many bad
decisions in such a short time.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
This is just somebody writing a comment like fundamentally not
understanding what blacking out is. Yeah, I think that what
you still to drink that much? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I was about to say, you can criticize him deciding
to drink that much and therefore you know, doing all
of this. But I feel like to say, like, I
can't believe he ignored, You can't believe he put like
this man is blackout like this is.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Has just never been around someone drunk like their whole
life really this is.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
What I'm seeing, this one'm picturing. He walks into the room.
He's like, I'm gonna put on the dress. It's gonna
be really funny. And he's like, I'm gonna fart at it.
It's gonna be really funny. No, I dude, the dude.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
The thing that got me was the fact that he's like,
I want to see what it's like to be a bride.
I want to feel what it's like to be a bride.
It's like, yeah, do we have some of my unresults?
What's going on there? There's something rare to that, But
I think.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
Or he's just trying to be funny, and then he
he just totally una reversed himself.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
But uh update, Hi again. First off, thank you to
everyone who responded. I didn't expect the level of tension
my post got, and honestly, reading the replies made me
feel less alone. Some people told me I was right
to call it off. Others said it was a terrible
mistake but not unforgivable. Both sides helped me see the
situation more clearly. I spoke to Nick this morning, not
(12:27):
for closure, not for a big emotional talk, just to
return some things and check in about logistics since everything's
been canceled, but we ended up sitting down and talking
for over an hour. He apologized again, sincerely. He didn't
try to defend himself or shift blame. He told me
he didn't remember everything clearly, but knows he came home wasted,
(12:48):
saw the dress and, in his words, thought it would
be funny or meaningful or something. He didn't mean to
ruin the dress. He didn't mean to humiliate me, but
he did, and he knows that. He said, he's a shame,
aimed of what happened and how out of control he
let himself get. He also admitted this wasn't that the
first time his drinking led to something bad, which is
(13:09):
probably why you haven't seen him drink. Really, he said
this was a wake up call and that he's going
to stop drinking entirely. I didn't even know he had
a problem. The thing is, I still care about him.
We were supposed to get married. I didn't walk away
from someone I didn't love. But something inside me cracked
that night and it hasn't yield. I don't know if
(13:30):
it will. I know it sounds superficial to some people,
but for me, it was a symbol of our future,
of the person I thought I was marrying, and watching
him defile it in that state, whether on purpose or
by accident, change something. I've been trying to figure out
if that one night should be the end of four
years together. But it's not really just that one night,
is it. It's what it revealed about how he handles stress,
(13:54):
about how far he let himself go, about how I
felt standing in that room watching someone I loved become
almost unrecognizable. By the way, you should recognize that you
can listen to full episodes of stories just like this.
Just go to Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or iHeart Radio and
search a Pokey story time. There is a little bit
(14:15):
left to this story. Do you have any final thought?
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Dude, Sometimes like a moment happens and you just can't
unmoment the moment.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Yeah, you can recognize that you've made a terrible mistake,
and you can recognize that you have a problem with drinking,
but you've already hurt the person that you love.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Can't go back and undo that.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, And it's like a great you know, I am
very proud of him for making or like at least
you know, thinking about making this decision saying like I
never want to drink again. I want to like go
going forward. Don't want to do that again. Obviously we
don't know if he's gonna fall through, but hopefully I
think that's a big decision.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
I gotta say something like that. Yeah, should probably make
you stop. Yeah, right, I mean there are you can't
after that. That's a very serious issue.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Exactly. There are moments in your life where you hit
rock bottom like this and you realize, wow, I need
to make a giant change. But unfortunately, sometimes when we
hit that rock bottom, you don't always get to like
sometimes you lose the people that you care about.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
Yeah, I'm not giving him full you know, like all right,
you're off the hook. But the one thing I appreciate
from him, he's taking full accountability. And he's not blaming
his friends, like he's like oh yeah, yeah, like he
didn't mention his friends. We don't know, but from what
his words seem legit, no, I think that.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
He's like I don't want to, you know, sit here
and be like, ah, he sucks. He's the worst.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
He's an a hole.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Like this is a man who made a very bad mistake,
recognizes that wants to make a change in his life
doesn't mean that ops to stay with him.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Sometimes you can't put Genie bag in the bottle exactly,
no matter how bad you want to, because you're just like,
I just see the worst thing I've ever seen in
my life time I think about you. That's what I
see in my head, and I can't keep going if
I see that. Yeah, and it'd be clear. I don't know.
I've seen some comments. I'm in no way like being like, well,
(16:10):
if you get blacked out because you don't know what
you're doing, it absolves you of all responsibility. In no
universe would I think that. But it's more like we
have some comments where it almost sounded like someone didn't
understand that when you get to a point of blacked
out inebriation, like there are biomechanical processes in your brain
(16:31):
that turn off. Yeah, you no longer are at the helm.
You are not driving the car anymore. It's just going.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
But there's a little bit left to this story. I
haven't made a final decision yet. Technically the wedding is
still canceled, but the relationship isn't officially over. We're on
kind of an emotional pause. That's fair. I guess he
says he wants to make things right, and maybe he will.
Maybe with time, I'll want to try again. But right
now I still feel like I'm grieving something that ended,
(16:59):
and I don't know I know if I'm ready to
build it back from scratch. So I guess I'm now
asking am I overreacting if I walk away from this
completely top comment Commoner says, not at all overreacting. This
is not about the dress, but what it meant to
feel powerless as he did something stupid, thoughtless, and immature
after drinking himself into a stupor and the glimpse into
your future, you got that you couldn't gaslight yourself into
(17:21):
ignoring because it ruins something so symbolic and expensive. Believe
the symbolism. This is a red flag, not that he's
a bad person, but that this partnership might come with
significant difficulty long term as he continues to cope with
life stresses in immature ways that leave you always having
to be the adult in house. I've been in relationships
(17:42):
where I've made excuses for every red flag I've seen
loved ones indoor relationships with addicts, hoping they'll change if
they just pour n off Lovin'. None of them realized
there was a problem at first either, But it seems
like your boyfriend is admitting there is something to that theory.
None of the aforementioned reallylationships had a happy ending, and
most have been extremely, extremely bad in a way that
(18:04):
seemed uncharacteristic for the partner when he finally hit rock bottom.
You may genuinely want to change, and you may be
hopeful that could fix some things, but long term, a
lot of people have trouble quitting substances when nothing of
significance has changed for them and they're still in a
situation where they can see opportunities to drink or use
and know they can without losing much comfort and stability.
(18:27):
Are your enemies with when fighting addiction, because they enable
a reticence to change. I want to add staying in
a relationship where you feel like you have to be
the adult and take steps to manage the other person's
behavior gets extremely taxing and builds a lot of resentment
very quickly. Think of this as something that tore off
your rose colored glasses and made you look at an
(18:50):
ugliness you didn't want to see. Eld your eyes open
to a version of your future you didn't anticipate. If
you are absolutely one hundred percent sure this is one
time thing, it might be repairable. But I feel like
if you're willing to lose all the money an effort
sunk into planning a wedding and go through the ordeal
of canceling, that seems like it implies a larger issue underneath.
(19:11):
Whether it's about the way he handles stress, is propensity
to hurt you with little, careless things, or how often
you envision yourself cleaning up his messes or managing his
behavior in your lives together. The cliche is true. When
someone shows you who they are, believe them. I made
excuses for everything my ex did that made my skin crawl,
(19:32):
and when we finally broke up, I was worried he
might actually hurt me for months, Even now a few
years later, I don't think that was crazy. I think
he was more than capable of it, resented me, and
I believe tried to break into my apartments. Obviously a
different situation, but for years other people in our lives
had tried to point out red flags to me, and
(19:53):
he did things that definitely gave me a lot of pause,
but I always opted to look for the best in him.
In hindsight, I embellished, in exact, rated some goodness that
wasn't really there. I lost five years of my life
to that relationship, and figuring out where to go from
here has been incredibly difficult. I wish I had left
the first time. Something he said or did gave me
the sinking feeling of this is my future and I
(20:14):
don't like it. Rather than convincing myself, I was overreacting
and being unfair. Please learn from my mistakes. And that
is the end of that story. And that, to be clear,
was a commentary, not appeasing all that. I think that Dakota,
you have a really good point of you know, this
might be the only thing that she ever thinks about
(20:35):
which is valid. And if that is the case, and
you really can't see yourself ever forgetting or ever getting
over it, then you know, maybe this relationship is not
going to work out in long term and that's okay,
but maybe there is a chance, maybe you can have
that conversation. Maybe you know, as he begins this journey
of sobriety, you're like, you know what I see that
(20:56):
he's willing to change I'm willing to give a chance.
That's also okay. You know the many different paths for you.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
This could have been the same story with just a
different you know, it could have been Yeah. He came
home really drunk, and then he started telling me about
how the earth is hollow and full of lizard people,
and how we're gonna fight back against the lizards and
we're gonna make our family nice and we're gonna have
a strong family together. And then after he said that,
I could never be like, honey, are you sure you
(21:24):
don't think the earth is hollow and full of lizards?
He's like, no, no, no, I swear I don't. It's like, yeah,
but you really really meant it that one time you
said it to me. And now I can't stop seeing
you as a guy who thinks the lizards are gonna
invade from the center of the earth. So I don't
think this is working anymore.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
And we do have another story, folks.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Sam here og host. We're gonna get back to these stories.
But here's three minutes baths from our sponsors.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
First, my girlfriend discovered I'm queer, and she did not
take it. Well, it's bride month. She has to it's
illegal for you to not accept that this is ridiculous,
but she has ex. I sickly asked me to ask
the internet because she's convinced she's in the right. So
my girlfriend, twenty four female and I twenty one male,
(22:08):
were talking about school and our childhood's a few days ago.
I originally lived in England, but she's always been a
Scotland girl, so we were comparing. I was showing her
pictures of me and my mates from when we were
sixteen or seventeen, and she noticed that me and one
of my friends seemed a little close in some of
the pictures, even noticed that I was sitting in his
(22:28):
lap in one of them. By the way, this comes
from user noodle Lootle scruble eh. I like that, and
if you want to submit your own stories, go to
the r slash sh okay story time. So abread it.
So she asked me, and I just flat out told
her that's my ex because it didn't seem like a
big deal to me, and it still doesn't. She got
a bit annoyed and then asked me why I hadn't
(22:50):
told her about this before. I assume the this she
was talking about was my ex, and I said that
I hadn't really thought about him in a while because
we were teenagers and I've moved away since. Then she
got more annoyed and said, not that, I mean that
you like guys. I got kind of confused then, because
it's not something I hid from her. She is right.
(23:11):
I've never explicitly told her that I'm by, but I
have pins of the flag on several bags. We thirst
over male celebrities together. I mean, the night we met,
I was flirting with her male friend at a pub,
obviously lighthearted and before we were dating, so.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
There were pretty clear signs.
Speaker 3 (23:31):
They were big old neon signs flashing general.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Obviously, if someone has a pride pin, it doesn't necessarily
it could mean there at all. But if someone has
a very specific pride pin, maybe we could do a
little bit of you know, cognitive thinking.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
My boyfriend is a big fan of the color spectrum.
This is the rainbow, Oh, just imagining someone's like, yeah,
I don't know, he just has a bunch of life.
He said, that's so like, Sorry, I thought I thought
we were also started to know that the visible spectrum
is you know.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Just the way that you said that didn't sound like anyway, Okay.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
So anyway, I apologize for not telling her and asked
what the big deal was. She's not a closet officer
by any means, and I didn't understand why she was
getting so angry. Buddy, I think she might be. I
think you're about to find out that she actually doesn't
like that.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
I think there is this thing where like, very often
when you have straight women who are dating a bye
man or just straight women general who are like, I
wouldn't date a bye man because he's been with men,
and like automatically see them as gay, as like just gay.
They're like, oh, they're not actually interested in women and
have that which is you are being a closet officer
(24:47):
if you think that they're not interested in women because
they've been interested in men, and like that's a like
I have a friend whose ex girlfriend he was telling me,
He's like yeah, Like she was talking her friends and
was and they were saying that they would never date
a buy man, right why, Like I understand.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
I would never date a bye man because they don't exist.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
It's just gay. That's kind of the That is.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
What a lot of people think. Those are the kind
of people who see neapolitan ice cream and they just
break down into did you start crying and weeping?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
No, it's the type of people that are like buy
men are actually gay and buy women are straight because
everyone has to like men.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Well, my take on that is being bye is gay
and straight. It's both.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Tada, you've done it, but it's at least a little gay. Yeah,
it's gay, but they just think they're full gay.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
It's also a little straight.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
It's also that's that's the point.
Speaker 4 (25:44):
Of the name. That's why we call it bye.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
And that's why it's got its own names, the whole deal.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
I told her as such, and she stared at me blankly, appalled,
as if I should know. She said she didn't like
being lied to, which again I didn't lie. She never
asked and it never came up.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
She also assumed that you were straight.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
Right, Okay. I get why she was upset at that
it could be seen as hurtful and she's sensitive. We
both are, so I understood and apologized. She then said
she couldn't believe I had ever been with a guy
and that it was weird.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Yikes.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
I asked her why it was weird. I said that
I've seen pictures with her and her exes and that
I was okay with it. And she said the X
thing didn't bother her. It's that my ex was a guy.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Yes, because she's across the officer.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
This baffles me more.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
She's just undercover, because again she's not a closet officer. Wow,
I think we've I think we've.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
Reached the problem she is if it walks like a
duck she is.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Just because she's not saying slurs doesn't mean that you
know she is a being prejudiced.
Speaker 4 (26:55):
I know exactly what you were thinking. Keep reading.
Speaker 3 (26:58):
This baffles me more because again, and she's not a
closet officer. At least I didn't think she.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Was there it is.
Speaker 3 (27:05):
She asked if I ever thought I was just gay
and not by yep, there it is, she said.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
No.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
I said I liked girls before I ever knew I
liked guys. She said to me, she didn't really believe
in Bye Tea said that it wasn't a good look
for the community, or something along those lines.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
What is that?
Speaker 3 (27:26):
What imagine that line used in literally any other content?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Not a good luck, it's not a good luck?
Speaker 3 (27:33):
I imagine imagine she dropped that line about an inter
racial couple. She would be literally ran out of town.
And she's just like, eh, it's just opinion one or
the other. I don't think it's a good look for
the community. You're insane, I said, Well, I am one,
so that's the proof, right. The argument basically went around
(27:55):
in circles at that point until we went to bed.
We haven't really spokenperly since. Whenever I try, she interrupts
me and tells me that she can't believe I was
gay before her and lied about it, which again, I'm
not gay. I'm by I like girls. I like her.
It's so frustrating to me because she won't even hear
me out and just tells me she feels betrayed that
(28:17):
I lied to her and she thinks I'm just dating
her because I don't want to fully commit to being gay.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Yikes.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
So like we should be breaking up, Yeah, we should
be breaking up.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Yeah, that is an insane point of view. That's crazy.
You've been with this person and to think. And also
I don't even like the the oh, you lied to
me thing, which oh P already apologizes for. But I
don't even like that because one she assumed is, you know,
his sexuality.
Speaker 3 (28:44):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
And also just given the way that he brought up, like, oh, yeah,
that's my ex. Clearly is open about it. Yeah, clearly
wasn't intentionally hiding anything. So like, what are you talking about?
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Just the indefensible position. Yeah, Opie's soon to be I hope, actually,
I hope. So she hasn't broken up with me as
of yet, but I feel like she's going to if
we keep arguing like this and she won't let me
get a word in. Say, am I the a hole brother?
I think you need to be the one breaking up?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (29:15):
What mm mmm mm hmmm. It's just I feel like,
really the core of this it comes from like maybe
not even like homophobia or anything, just like like a
place where it's like, well, it's like now I have
to feel insecure about every other person who's not me. Well,
but that's not I have to worry about every other
person on the planet potentially being able to take my man.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
But that's biphobia, Cause it's like it's the it's the
idea that oh, because in a relationship, let's say you're
with we're a straight person in a relationship with a
straight woman, straight man, you if you are thinking that
everyone's going to steal your partner, and your partner's going
to cheat on everyone. You know, all of those men
or women, you know, then you're not in a healthy
(30:00):
relationship the same.
Speaker 3 (30:02):
That's what I'm trying to say. I'm saying I think
this just comes from a place of like probably already insecure.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
Yeah, but now it's like, oh my god, I'm saying
it doesn't exist.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
Well, of course you're just gay.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
Like those those are all rooted and heavy amounts of biphobia,
or should I say, which also comes from insecurity, because
I think there's this like insecurity from well, i'll talk
about straight women because it's in that's what we're discussing
in the story. But there's this insecurity from like certain
straight women who think that they'll lose their boyfriends to
(30:35):
a gay man because they're like, oh, he's not actually
into me, Like he's not by so he's he must
be only into man.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
Like.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
There's that thinking which comes from biphobia.
Speaker 3 (30:47):
There's an edit. Nothing has happened with the situation because
it's the middle of the night and I posted this
a few hours ago, but this seems to have blown
up a little bit. So I'm going to clarify and
clear things up. First of all, those people who think
I'm going to give my girlfriend in STD or convinced
I have AIDS or whatever, f off. Genuinely, I'm sorry.
I don't like being mean to people, even over the internet,
(31:08):
but far too many of you seem to have this thought.
First of all, my girlfriend insisted that we both get
tested before we did anything, because she got one from
a previous partner and doesn't want that to happen again.
Sell all of you convinced that I slept around with
men and contracted some kind of virus. I have never
had traditional spicy sleep with a guy. The only guy
(31:29):
I've ever been with was first relationship with said ax
mentioned in the post, and my only other relationship has
been with a woman who took my v card, which
the relationship only lasted a month. Anyway, So stop now
to clarify some important things. Yes, I know I should
have mentioned I was by her once we started dating,
but truthfully, it didn't even occur to me. Look, I
(31:51):
don't know, like it's it's not like a penicillin allergy. Like,
it's not like you have to like be by the hi.
It's nice to meet you, I'm like, I'm Danny, I'm yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
I think there's this expectation that queer people have to
and also not on both Like I think that queer
people expect themselves to have to come out constantly. It's
like this thing that you never have to stop you
you can never stop doing over the course of your life.
But that doesn't mean that you have to do that
no one. You don't owe anyone like an announcement. You
(32:24):
clearly aren't hiding it, you know. If she assumed that
you were straight, that's kind of her thing that she
needs to reckon with. Like, you literally were not trying
to hide it at all. You had a pride flag, right,
She just assumed you were straight.
Speaker 3 (32:42):
She said, who's that guy in that picture? And you
went immediately, oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Like you weren't like it was just a friend, Like
you weren't lying it.
Speaker 3 (32:50):
It was then that I knew he'd been hiding it
from me this whole time. Yeah, I'm a little airheaded
and thoughtless, not very good at communicating with people in general,
and can be quite thoughtless and annoying. Oh buddy, let's
talk with the negative self talk. Huh. Most of my
friends back home are queer, and a lot of hers
are too, from what they all said when I met
(33:11):
them for the first time. I've also been told that
you can tell I'm by by a lot of people,
including my own parents. So with all that, it completely
didn't occur to me to tell her. I do know, though,
that it really isn't an excuse, and that I should
have told her immediately in the pursuit of transparency. No,
stop it, I know. It's it's like the same thing
(33:32):
and being like, I don't know, like I broke my
wrist when I was seven. It's like you've been lying
to me our entire relationship. I didn't know you broke
your wrists.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I think if she had said, hey, how many partners
have you had, and then you purposely withheld that one
partner that you in high school, maybe that that would
have been kind of you know, you're hiding something. But
it doesn't seem like she asked that until that moment, right,
you know, like there was no.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
I'm working on my community skills and knowing when to
be more mindful and mention things even if they don't
seem important to me. I wasn't trying to hide it,
and I wasn't trying to make her guests by leaving
little hints here and there. I thought it was obvious,
so I didn't mention it. Clearly it wasn't, and I
need to be more mindful. I would never lie to
her on purpose to be malicious. You don't do that
(34:19):
to people you love. I hate this so much.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
He's taking all of this on him. Yeah, she literally said,
I don't believe that it exists. Yeah, it's a bad
look for the community.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
Dang, he's acting like it's like, oh, it's my bad.
I should have let her know she should be bigoted
towards me earlier. Wait, earlier, and that's all on me.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
What she is telling you is I wish she had
told me earlier so that I didn't date you. That's
what she's saying.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
I've been with my girlfriend for almost six months. The
reason this didn't come up in the beginning of our
relationship is because it was quite a whirlwind in the beginning,
as in, we met in December and four days later
she began a week's stay at my flag, so we
moved quite fast. My girlfriend attends university close by as
well as having a job, so we may get to
see each other over the weekend or maybe a Friday
(35:08):
date night, but that's about it. So I like making
the most of my time with her, so we don't
talk about serious stuff all that much. People thinking that
I'm going to cheat on her or think that she
thinks I'm going to cheat on her. I hope I've
made it clear to her that that isn't something that
would happen. I love and adore her so much that
it physically hurts when I don't get to see her
for over a week. Huh. I'm not interested in being
(35:29):
with anyone else spicily at all, because I'm not in
love with anyone else other than her. The majority of
these comments are calling her a closet officer by phobick,
and well, I don't really know what to think about
that right now. Yeah, I think we can think. Maybe
it's a possibility if she denies the existence of by people.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Yeah, buddy, sorry, Ah, it sucks. It's not something that
she can't grow and learn and you know, hopefully change
her mind about, but it is a true fact right now.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
It's just such a weird thing to deny someone.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
You don't It's like that one guy who's like I
don't think women exist.
Speaker 3 (36:08):
Remember that one story we really Yeah, it's like women or
women are real women. It's the beauty of the gay cation,
the beauty of gay Casha. It's just like this intense denial.
That's what he needs. She's one step away from being like, Ope,
I think you just need to go on a gaycation.
Just get it out of your system. It's okay. I'm
okay that you can. You're gay off for a week
(36:28):
with these guys on the gay cation and just come
back to me straight as an arrow. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
People don't like to live in the gray area. They
like black or white. They say this is either this
thing or this thing. It can't be in between.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
Everyone's a little bit gay.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Come on, eating the chocolate vanilla swirl cone and someone's like,
that's not real.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
It's not real.
Speaker 3 (36:48):
It's not real. Like I'm eating it right now, it's
it's real. It's like, no, it's not, it's not real. Nope,
and you're bad. I need to talk to her properly.
She's a very emotional person, which is something I absolutely
door about her, but it does mean when she's angry,
she lashes out. I need to talk to her about
it all, and I need to talk to her friends.
I'm not throwing this away if she was just lashing
(37:10):
out or being ignorant, She's not an unreasonable person. She
only knows about my most recent ex because she was
asking about a scar on my forehead the boy, and
I told her the story, which included her. Yes, she
does love me and doesn't care about my spicy sleep
drive or lack thereof. She's not manipulating or gaslighting me.
(37:31):
She is just letting me know when I've done things wrong,
which I like because no one else ever tells when
I've done things wrong. Imby, I'm not gay, she's not
a beard. I like guys, I like girls. I love her.
If I missed anything, it's because it's three am and
I'm tired. If you want further clarification, comment and I'll
(37:53):
try to answer. And we have a consensus here. It's
not the ale, but we have an update here the key.
What are we thinking?
Speaker 2 (38:02):
I mean, I understand that he doesn't want to just
like break up with her right away, but I also
think that there is a little bit of denial going on,
a lot of bit of denial going on. I think
that he's like, no, she loves me. She couldn't possibly
be thinking this about me. I know she said it,
but she couldn't possibly be thinking this.
Speaker 3 (38:20):
I think it was pretty She is pretty clear being
like and for those of you saying she's a closet officer, yeah,
I'm gonna have to think about that a little bit more.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
I guess like she's telling you that you made a
mistake for existing.
Speaker 3 (38:35):
Seems like, uh, she just doesn't want a day to
buy person. Yeah. And I want to make it clear
that I feel paranoid that I'm being interpreted as saying that,
like by people will cheat or are more likely to
cheat because I'm being like, well, you got to you
gotta watch out for more people. I'm not Look when
I say competition, I'm not being like yeah, and then
(38:56):
they're just gonna go cheat on me with that person.
It's like no. But it's like if I'm dating somebody
and they could theoretically leave me for Chapel Roone. Okay,
and now I have to worry about Chapel Rone.
Speaker 4 (39:06):
You're better than Chapel Roone.
Speaker 3 (39:07):
I mean sure, I can. I can gas myself up
and be like, I got I'm better than Chapel.
Speaker 4 (39:11):
Roone, Are you okay but like need a confidence boost? Chad?
Could you all say that Dakota is good looking because
he's now he's just scared because there's.
Speaker 3 (39:19):
Stuff Chapel Roone can can bring to the table. I can't.
What do you mean? So that's the you bring so
much more? It's not about bringing more or lesser, being
better or worse. It's just about being different. So if
I have a partner and they're like, I think I
want a different thing now, I don't know. I got
you right now? You know, I don't know. It's not
about being worried that they're gonna buy infidelitus. It's just
(39:40):
like it's an extra layer of like intricacy, undeniably right.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I feel like in trying to dig yourself out of
a hole, you I don't feel like there's a whole
dug in an ant tunnel system.
Speaker 3 (39:53):
Okay, so you don't have to it. How is it
a whole to say that? Though it's not.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
I think that you thought that you would ug yourself
a hole, and then you tried to dig yourself out
of it, and then doing so created a network of catacombs.
Speaker 4 (40:08):
And now you are and that lost you are lost your.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
So it's just that you gotta be You gotta be
on point when the competition is everybody.
Speaker 4 (40:20):
What what do you mean you're by partner? If you
date a buy person and they pick you, they pick you,
all right?
Speaker 3 (40:27):
Hey, Keon, how many people have you dated? Are you
dating the first person you ever dated that did that
work out?
Speaker 4 (40:33):
No?
Speaker 3 (40:33):
This is what I'm talking about. I don't end up
dating the same person all the time.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
What Dakota's saying, please can you say it the right way? Then?
Speaker 3 (40:42):
Please say it?
Speaker 2 (40:44):
No, I just think you've already said it and you're
trying to dig yourself out of a hole.
Speaker 3 (40:47):
That now I feel like I've just been saying it wrong.
You said you say?
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Dakota is saying that when you're dating someone you're you
might be concern that there's better people out there, and
when you are dating a bye person you're doubly concerned.
That doesn't mean that's cooking they want to cheat on you.
But my point is I don't think you were ever
(41:14):
in a hole. I think you thought you were in
a hole, and you try to think yourself.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
We're talking about me now, No, don't talk about me.
Talking about the point, talking about the point you're not
cooking anymore.
Speaker 4 (41:23):
Yeah, that's right. Maya Jambalaya update.
Speaker 3 (41:26):
I hope y'all liked that too. That was fun. No,
I know it's okay. I just wanted to make sure
you would. No, I don't think that.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Hey it's sam og Host. We're going get back to
these delectable stories. But here's three minutes of ads from
our sponsors to help support the show.
Speaker 3 (41:44):
I posted my initial post on Friday night. I hadn't
seen or heard from my girlfriend since Tuesday. I sent
her the link to this post on Saturday afternoon and
told her that once she felt ready, I would like
it if she came over so we could talk about
it in person. About three hours later, she was at
my flat. She hadn't eaten and it was late, so
I cooked and we ate in silence. She didn't really
(42:07):
look mad, but she obviously wasn't very happy. It's crazy
hearing this because I feel like, OHP is the one
who should be mad.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Yeah, it's like, OHP is so stuck in the thinking
that he's done something wrong when he literally just exists
and she's recogning with her own And I think by
letting her think that you've done something wrong. It's giving
her like you're kind of validating her point right, not intentionally,
(42:35):
of course, like you're not doing anything wrong, but like
I think that in her mind she's like, oh, well,
you admitted it, so I'm right there you go, but
you've done nothing wrong.
Speaker 4 (42:43):
Right.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
Once we had finished and I'd cleaned up, she told
me that she's sorry she's ignored me for four days bikes.
I told her that it was fine and that she
didn't need to apologize, and she clearly needed space. I
decided to bite the and just get into it. I
apologized for not telling her properly this time. I told
(43:05):
her that I shouldn't have assumed she'd just be okay
with it because I expected her to. I told her
that even if I don't think it's a big deal
or that it didn't even cross my mind, that I
had to tell her, I understood that it was clearly
dishonest of me, and that I don't really have a
good excuse for why didn't.
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Brother is you do have a good excuse.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
To be clear, this is all wrong, and he I
feel like this the OP feels like just like all
the responsibility to address or fix any problem in the
relationship is on him. Yeah, even when it comes down
to like, oh, you just don't accept my actual identity. Okay,
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
That, Like you're apologizing for being yourself.
Speaker 3 (43:46):
Yeah, so don't do that. Like you can do that
in a political tactical way where it's like I'm just
making I'm appeasing somebody, but like, don't ever feel in
your heart that, like you're like, ah, yeah, this thing
I wasn't hiding from you.
Speaker 2 (44:01):
Even I literally said, I shouldn't have assumed you would
have been okay dating a by person, which is crazy.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
What I tried to never lie to her, especially about
important things. And whilst I don't see this is lying
because it's not, I now do see that it could
be interpreted as that, or that I've got things to hide.
I told her as such, and she told me to
stop apologizing. Okay, she said something right. She explained that
she'd read my post as well as the comments, and
(44:28):
I asked what she thought about it. She was quiet
for a minute before she told me that she didn't
like people calling her a closet office and that she
didn't think she was being that She just didn't understand
how a person could be.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
By b B, I don't even understand that. You don't
What do you mean to understand? I don't just again,
imagine likes man, imagine personalize everyone?
Speaker 3 (44:54):
What imagine that sentence? Any other concept. It's like saying
I don't understand how someone can be woman.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
It's like a person likes orange, person likes apple.
Speaker 3 (45:04):
Yuh, you like blof what?
Speaker 4 (45:07):
I have an apple? I have a pen?
Speaker 3 (45:10):
He on? But how are you Filipino? When you're Jewish
you have to be one? How does that work? I
don't understand it.
Speaker 2 (45:17):
And that actually is a lot of history. That's what
they did.
Speaker 4 (45:23):
So when a man and a woman fall in love
and now what wait? What is a man? And now
I don't understand?
Speaker 3 (45:31):
Okay. I tried to stay calm because I could see
she was overthinking and getting upset. I told her that
I don't think she's a closet officer either, not as
a whole anyway, and then I tried to explain it
to her as simply as possible. I didn't want her
to think I was speaking to her like a child,
or that I was being condescending, but I did have
(45:51):
to use simple terms to make sure there was absolutely
no room for misinterpretation. I asked her, but you understand
how guys can like girls and how girls can like guys,
and she said yes. I then asked, do you also
understand how a woman could like another woman or how
a guy could like another guy? And she said yes again.
(46:11):
I then said, okay, now stick with me.
Speaker 2 (46:14):
Stick with me.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
I asked her then why she didn't think it could
be possible to like girls as well as.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
Guys, and she's like, well, now you've lost me.
Speaker 3 (46:23):
And she didn't really say anything, dude, because the gears
in her head got stuck. She's like, and the smoke
started to fizzle out of her ears.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
And Smantha Elisa's girlfriend is an idiot. The thing is
that it's not even like idiocy, because I know a
lot of people in my life who also share this
same thinking, who are very smart. And I'm like, how,
but it's this like cognitive dissonance, And I'm like, I
(46:53):
I don't understand how you can just not put two
and two together.
Speaker 4 (46:57):
Yes, Maya, Well now you've lost me.
Speaker 2 (46:59):
It's like this intense binary thinking that they cannot allow
themselves to break out, of which I.
Speaker 3 (47:07):
Binary thinking, and I could see the cogs turning in
her head. She said that she couldn't see how you
could like both. Humans are hardwired to like only one gender,
and so if I was saying that I liked guys first,
and by her logic, I could only be attracted to
one gender, then I must be gay. I was very
(47:27):
confused because I'm not a scientist by any means, but
I definitely know that that isn't true. I'm not a scientist,
but I do know I'm dating a woman right now,
so I don't know.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
I do know I am in love and attracted to
a woman right now.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
So you're wrong between a rock and a hard place.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
It's like staring at the man being like, yeah, that's blue,
and someone be like, no, it's green. I'm telling you
it's screen. Yeah, but it's a scientists said it was green,
and then they're like, no, I'm looking at it right now.
Speaker 3 (47:56):
Like you know the color green. So when you take
the color blue and yellow, it makes green no no, no, no,
no no no no, only blue or yellow? Only blue
or yellow? No green, no green, yellow. My socks are
blue because if you put both those colors together, then
it's a different color and we can't have that, dude.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
I've got I've got blue, green, and yellow right here.
Speaker 3 (48:16):
I asked where she had heard this. She told me
that an old friend who she met at her old
job was a major LGBTQ activist and was explaining things
to her. Okay, so this is really interesting.
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Did she use those words? Did she say LGBTQ, Did
she say lgb TQ.
Speaker 3 (48:37):
No, there's there is a thing within the gay community.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
Yeah, I know there is a lot of by in
the queer community and it's absolutely.
Speaker 3 (48:45):
Been around for a long time.
Speaker 2 (48:47):
Oh yeah, no, it's on both sides.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
It makes perfect sense for her to have heard this
from somebody I'm just saying who was probably positioning presenting
themselves as like I'm an authority on this.
Speaker 2 (49:00):
I just think it is hilarious if she said, yeah,
I've I know if my friend is a major LGBTQ
activity activist, and I'd be like, sorry, be what's the
what's the before THEB?
Speaker 3 (49:14):
What?
Speaker 2 (49:15):
So I didn't hear that?
Speaker 3 (49:16):
What literally in the in the acronym?
Speaker 2 (49:19):
Yeah, She's like, no, no, no, bee stands for bigot.
Speaker 3 (49:21):
Oh my god. I told her that's not right. She
told me it was. I asked what possible evidence she
could have for that. She didn't have any, But she
said that this friend was deep into the queer community.
I don't know him, I didn't ask, and that I'm
not really involved, so she's more inclined to believe is old,
this old friend rather than me.
Speaker 2 (49:42):
Oh, oh my god, she has learned nothing.
Speaker 3 (49:44):
All I have to say is it's Pride Month. Yeah.
I was hurt, of course, really hurt that she would
say this, But I couldn't get mad because then we'd
just both be mad at upset, and we'd be in
exactly the same place we were five days ago. So
I decided to change tactics. Is the tactic breaking up
with her?
Speaker 2 (50:00):
Please?
Speaker 3 (50:01):
I asked her that if I've had a boyfriend, and
if I'm not secretive about liking guys, why on earth
would I be dating her. I told her that me
admitting I like guys clearly shows that expressing that kind
of attraction wasn't an issue for me, So why would
I be using her as a cover And what would
be the point of using her as a cover if
I was a gay in the first place. She told
(50:24):
me it's because I was embarrassed. I asked her about
what again? Goalposts moved. I asked her about what she
said that you like guys, I told her, I'm not embarrassed.
I asked her if I looked embarrassed at any point
on the day all this went down. I asked her
if I looked embarrassed now, and then she reluctantly said no.
I asked her why I would agree to and actively
(50:47):
pursue dating her if I wasn't attracted to girls. She
got mad at this point, but I eventually managed to
calm her down. Again. Get me mad at this point, brother, you.
Speaker 2 (50:57):
Just really admiring Opie's pation.
Speaker 3 (51:00):
We took a breather. I went to my room, she
went to the balcony, and when we reconvened back in
the living room, she asked why I was dating her.
I told her because I love her, That's why. I
told her that I thought she was funny and smart
and gorgeous, and that she had so much life in
her that I found it a privilege to even be
near her, let alone to date her. She told me
(51:21):
that she believed me, but she still didn't understand. She
asked if it was a phase, then, oh, my school
and I told her no. I said to her plainly,
I am attracted to girls and I'm attracted to guys.
She asked me if this meant I wanted to date
a guy then instead of her. I told her, no, Babe,
this is in This would.
Speaker 5 (51:40):
Drive me insane. This would drive me insane. I like
Scorsese movies. I like Spielberg movies. I can watch both
of them.
Speaker 2 (51:52):
Like like, this is like debating with a child, right,
They're like, why is the sky blue? This guy's blue?
But why I don't understand what this guy's blue?
Speaker 3 (52:00):
Do you like spaghetti or do you like penney? You
only get one, and if you pick both, I hate you.
I feel like I'm I'm comparing being gay to very trivial,
trivial things, but not on purpose, but just to illustrate
how absurd her lact of understanding it.
Speaker 2 (52:19):
You're doing it well, it makes sense.
Speaker 3 (52:22):
She asked if I wanted to date a guy as
well as her, and again I said no. She asked
why I was so determined to be acknowledged as by, which.
Speaker 2 (52:32):
Is insane because he never even brought it up.
Speaker 3 (52:38):
He wasn't yearning to be acknowledged as by he thought
she was upset that she thought he was lying quote
unquote to her the whole time. He's so nonchalant about it,
he doesn't even care. I told her, being a bye
is just a fact about me, just like that I
love books and the color purple, and that I hate
(52:59):
the smell of grape scented felt tips. I told her
those were all facts about me too, but they don't
affect our relationship, so neither should this one. I asked
her why it bothered her so much, besides the whole
not believing by people exist thing, I said, I know
it's more than that, because you wouldn't have gotten so
angry if it was just that. She explained that she
(53:21):
thought me telling her was my way of hinting I
was going to break up with her. I laughed ahaha,
and asked in what world that would make sense. I
had told her because she asked, and that if I
was going to break up with her, which wasn't going
to happen, then I would have just done it and
not been cruel about it or dragged it out. Is
(53:42):
just a fact that she saw that as that that's
what you were doing. Such a red flag because that
means she would do that.
Speaker 2 (53:49):
Yeah, she would do.
Speaker 3 (53:50):
That to you. She said that she thought me saying
I was by and her not thinking it was real
was me trying to take the easy way out, so
she got mad. Almost two am on Sunday by the
time we got to this point, so we decided to
stop and carry on in the morning. When I woke up,
I was worried and trying to prepare my points in
my head, like I do before I say anything important.
(54:10):
But I didn't really have to. My girlfriend walked back
into the bedroom with two mugs. She made me sit
up and handed it to me with the promise that
she could speak first. I nodded and took the mug.
The speaking mugs, she sat next to me and said
that she didn't sleep well, that she couldn't stop thinking
about everything, and she said that she still didn't understand,
not really, but that she loves me and she knows
(54:33):
that I love her, and she's going to try and
understand because she didn't want to lose me or what
we have, and that she doesn't like to be ignorant.
Dang man, I guess the best thing she could have said,
other than like, oh, I get it.
Speaker 2 (54:47):
It took so long just to get there exhausting. It's
like a full labor.
Speaker 3 (54:52):
I thanked her and said I'd send her some resources.
So if you guys have any that explain byness or
anything in that van and then please link them. We
agreed that we would try and push past this, and
that we would make sure to tell each other everything
from now on, no matter if it seemed or important
or not. She's taking counseling at her university to try
(55:12):
and manage her anger and control her emotions. And by
the way, you can control how many full episodes with
stories just like this you listen to, and it should
be all of them. You can go listen to them.
It's Spotify or iHeartRadio or Apple podcasts wherever you listen
to podcasts. Just search Okay story time and you can
(55:33):
listen to over two thousand episodes. Crazy yeah, But what's
even crazier is we're almost at the end of the story.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
Thank goodness. Wow, this person is op he is a saint,
and his girlfriend is just frustrating Opie.
Speaker 3 (55:50):
You might as well just become an Olympic track start
the amount of circles you're running in.
Speaker 2 (55:54):
With with your girlfriend's guy because wow, yeah, Wow.
Speaker 3 (55:59):
That's the end of it for now. Ye We're obviously
still in rocky waters. And if anything else happens and
people want me to update, then I will. But I
think that's basically all of it. Our talk on Sunday
morning was long, but I summed it up as this
post is very long already. Also for the people asking
me to ask her friends about if they knew about
this behavior, I asked one of her friends whose number
I have, and she said that it wasn't an issue
(56:21):
a few years ago, but she suddenly started asking about
it around the same time she had met that girl
from her old job. Apparently everyone in the friend group
had called her stupid or something for believing that, but
that was all that really happened. I've asked about who
this old coworker is, but I haven't gotten a reply yet. Okay,
thanks everyone, And that is the end of that story.
(56:41):
So even her friends were like, yeah, she I don't know.
Somebody told her by people weren't real and she just
ate it up and we all called her sleeping that.
Speaker 2 (56:48):
He was just like, yeah, that guy told me, and
everyone's like, what guy, And she's like, I don't know.
He's not here anymore, he doesn't go here anymore. I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (56:56):
But he said he was King of the gays. Yeah,
so I believed him, you know. I I took him
as an authority.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
But folks, that's the end of that story.
Speaker 3 (57:04):
And the end of that episode.
Speaker 2 (57:06):
So if you love us, make sure to subscribe.
Speaker 3 (57:08):
We love you and see you tomorrow.
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