My foster parents DEMAND parental control on my phone… I want it removed! - r/BestofRedditorUpdates | Reddit Stories - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 4 (00:18):
My foster parents demand parental control on my phone.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
I want it removed. Of course, you do, your child.

Speaker 4 (00:26):
I fifteen male, have lived with my current foster parents
since I was nine years old, but I have been
in foster care since I was six. I will call
my foster parents Henry and Aaron. By the way, this
comes from Okay Finish eighty six twenty two and if
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash Okay Storytime Separate. I got a new phone
as an early Christmas present from my biological dad. It
is an iPhone sixteen Pro Max, which is the phone

(00:49):
that I want in so I'm very happy about it.
My previous phone was an iPhone eleven and it was
bought by Henry and Aaron. On my old phone, Henry
and Aaron had set up loads of parental control on it,
so I couldn't download any apps without them improving it.
I couldn't turn off share my location, I couldn't change
my passcode. It would lock everything except their contacts at
eight pm every night until after school.

Speaker 3 (01:12):
That's crazy.

Speaker 4 (01:13):
And they had a time limit on YouTube, so I
could only watch it for thirty minutes within the time
where my phone was unlocked. Anyway, Oh my gosh, that's excessive.

Speaker 5 (01:22):
I get it though, because these things can melt people's brains.
But also it's like, at some level it's like, all right,
you're just gonna make them resourceful enough to get around it.

Speaker 4 (01:32):
I could only go on websites that they approved of,
Like there was a list that I could go on,
and I couldn't go on anything that they didn't manually
add to that list. These all really annoyed me, but
whenever I asked for them to be turned off, they
told me that they bought the phone, so these were
the rules. Now. I was given my new phone by
my dad on Monday, and I haven't used it yet
because they're telling me that I have to let them

(01:54):
put the same restrictions on the new phone as they
did on my own phone. I said no, because that
isn't fair. I should be allowed to use my phone,
as my dad says, because he paid for it. I
said to them that my dad paid for the phone,
so it was his choice, and that he doesn't want
me to have those restrictions on it. But now they've
changed and said it doesn't matter who bought the phone,
even though that was their whole point before. Now they're

(02:16):
saying that because I'm living with them, I have to
follow their rules, and the rule for having a phone
in the house is that they put restrictions on it.
I don't think that is fair at all, considering that
they didn't buy the phone. I don't see how they
can do this. Before I got home from school on Monday,
they took the phone out of the box that my
dad sent it in, set up all the restrictions, and

(02:37):
now I'm trying to figure out a way to take
them off. I'm thinking about complaining to my social worker
because it is not fair that they put these restrictions
on my phone, even though they didn't pay for it.
Edit to ad I am not going to be on
much longer because I am almost out of my computer time.
Thank you everyone for your advice. There's another edit to ad.
It's eight pm now, so I'm off. Thanks to everyone

(02:57):
for taking the time to talk to me. There are
some one comment asks who pays the cell phone bill? Ope,
and this comment was downvoted. There is no phone bill.
My dad bought the phone edits. I don't know if
people aren't understanding me. I have a SIM card that
was bought from Tesco. It is a pay as you
go simcard and no one has ever added credit to it.
There's no monthly bill. Someone comments, sorry, Op, but you

(03:20):
are wrong. Interesting. You're hurting the people who raised you.
If Biodad wanted to be in charge, he should have
been the one.

Speaker 1 (03:25):
To raise you.

Speaker 4 (03:26):
But he either couldn't or wouldn't, and that doesn't really matter.
He should, at the very least have more respect for
your parents who stepped up. Biodad is being manipulative and
showing a great deal of immaturity. I know that as
a teen you are likely just wanting to side with
the person who is offering you what you want. This
is a mistake. This is one of those selfish, sort
of cited decisions.

Speaker 5 (03:47):
Look, I'm cutting this off right now because this is overboard.
Just like how the amount of restrictions on the phone
for a fifteen year old is overboard. You can't call
or text anyone besides your foster your parents after eight pm.
You have a half hour of free use throughout the day.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
You're fifteen.

Speaker 5 (04:07):
Everyone you know has a cell phone and can probably
do whatever they want with it. Of course you're going
to feel like if this is not fair in my opinion, overboard.

Speaker 4 (04:15):
Right, I agree. I think that commenter was basically saying, like,
you should listen to them because your parents, and if
you are a parent, you should not use that reason
to like control your kids.

Speaker 5 (04:25):
Right, Being a parent doesn't just automatically make every thought
and suggestion you have the right one, and you shouldn't
be teaching kids that because it makes them cheap. Followers
just looking to who's the person's who knows better than me,
who can tell me what to do or how to think?

Speaker 4 (04:42):
Yeah, exactly like that commenter and op kind of went
on for a little bit, basically like debating who the
real parents are. And so it's like, I don't know
why that commenter is just like whoever is legally your parents,
they have absolute control of you and get to do
say what you want.

Speaker 5 (04:58):
If this kid's nine. I I agree with all of
those restrictions. I don't even think kids should have like
smartphones until they're at least somewhat cooked in the brain.
At fifteen, it can be a discussion of like, all right,
let's roll some of these back. You know you can
talk to your friends after eight pm. That's crazy, that's like,
come on, Even at like twelve years old, I didn't

(05:18):
have that level of you know, restriction.

Speaker 3 (05:21):
No.

Speaker 4 (05:21):
Absolutely. The top comment comes from eighty three Pooley Opie
not going to say that you are in the wrong
because of your age. I'm also not going to say
that your carers are in the wrong based on the
information you've provided. I'm coming from the position that I
previously was a foster carer as well as a worker
within the law enforcement system. Your biological father is making
a power play here. You may not see it, because

(05:43):
generally speaking, kids in care tend to see even the
worst parents as being on a pedestal or whatever reason.
You've been in foster care for the majority of your life.
A good portion of that time has been under the
roof of your current cares. Whilst I appreciate that at
fifteen you think that you should be able to do
what you want on your phone. You need to understand
that your cares are most likely just looking out for
your best interests. Your biological father, for lack of a

(06:05):
better term, is throwing in a grenade. In my opinion,
he may be doing this for a few reasons. One
to prove to himself or your caseworker that he is
a good parent, because deep down he knows he isn't.
Two to drive a wedge between you and your cares,
and exactly the way it appears to have. Three, because
he cares about you genuinely and thinks that getting you
an extravagant gift will somehow make up for you being

(06:28):
in care since you were six years old. Honestly, it
could be a mixture of the above regardless, though, he
should have discussed such a gift with your caseworker and
cares if there is contact between him and them, to
make sure that it was okay, and so that he
could discuss the rules surrounding usage of the phone with you.
If you legitimately think that your cares are not doing
what is in your best interests, then you should speak

(06:49):
to your caseworker let them be the mediator as they
are basically in charge. If there are possibly also things
occurring in the background that you are unaware of. For example,
the court or department in your jurisdiction that deals with
children and care may want contact with your birth parents
to only occur when they are aware of it. Your
cares could simply be following rules that a court or
your caseworker has outlined to them. If you think that

(07:11):
they are on some level being reasonable because they care
for you, then perhaps sit with them and discuss how
at age fifteen you should have more freedom. This could
look like having the parental controls but with less restrictions,
or it could be without the parent the parental controls,
but with your cares able to look at your phone,
messages and photos when they feel that there is a
need and without notice. For example, they know how to

(07:34):
unlock the phone. At the end of the day, it
is about trust. Show them that you can be trusted
with more freedom. Then they'll likely be more willing to
become more lenient. As you get older, try to make
sure that, regardless of how the conversation goes with your cares,
that you keep your cool. Good luck. That's a great comment.
I feel a lot of insight there.

Speaker 5 (07:52):
I agreed with definitely a lot of that.

Speaker 4 (07:55):
Yeah, some of the things like location and stuff, I
get why teenagers don't like that, But I also get
why parents would want that, you know, to make sure
that like you're safe, but access and restrictions to like
your pictures and messages and stuff that I think is
more a breach of privacy for sure. I feel like,
you know, some restrictions might be okay, you can figure

(08:16):
out some sort of compromise, but others, you know, not
so much.

Speaker 5 (08:18):
It's a conversation. At the end of the day, you're fifteen.
You can have a conversation with these people. You're old
enough to communicate with them on adult level to some extent.
Like you're not equals, but you're fifteen. You're going to
be legally an adult in three years.

Speaker 4 (08:34):
Opie is ultimately voted not the Agle, and we do
have an update, which is three days later. I wrote
this post on Thursday, I just didn't give a chance
to post it until now. So Henry and Aaron actually
took me to McDonald's after school today and the day
I am writing this, and they said to me that
they could tell that I was upset with them and
asked me to explain my feelings to them. I explained

(08:54):
how I felt really frustrated that they told me that
the parental controls were because they bought the and then
when my dad bought me a phone, they still put
the same restrictions on. They said that they were sorry
that they gave that impression and that they could have
explained it better. They asked which restrictions I had the
biggest issue with, and I said how I can't text
or call anyone unless they approve it, and how the

(09:15):
phone locks at eight pm and I can't use it,
and that I only have thirty minutes on YouTube or TikTok,
and then I can't have apps like Snapchat, Discord, Instagram,
et cetera. They said, okay, they understood why I was
upset and frustrated, and they said that they will discuss
with my social worker how they can lighten up the
rules while still ensuring that I am safe. They said
that they don't want me having a long time on

(09:35):
the phone because they don't think it's good for me.
But they said in the meantime, they will increase the
limit to one hour for YouTube and TikTok and that
they will increase the bedtime thing until nine thirty pm.
I think this is a fair compromise. I said that
they seemed upset that I got a new phone in general,
and they said that they weren't upset at me, but
were upset at the situation. I asked what they meant,

(09:57):
and they said that it was something between them and
my dad, and I didn't to worry about it. So
maybe that commenter was kind of onto. Something about the
dad having a power play here.

Speaker 1 (10:05):
Definitely makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 5 (10:06):
I still think that the root issue, I mean, that's
like a separate thing to me.

Speaker 1 (10:11):
Yeah, Dad's making a power play.

Speaker 5 (10:13):
This is more like you a fifteen year old, you know,
young adult, teenager whatever.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
Like you're only gonna do two things.

Speaker 5 (10:20):
By keeping these restrictions as like intense as they are,
You're either going to like just make op craftier and
they're gonna find a way around it, or you're gonna
create this tension this and then it's gonna snap back
at some point, and once they get that freedom, they're

(10:40):
gonna go overboard on it, which is a problem in
and of itself.

Speaker 4 (10:44):
I appreciate that the parents are communicating like this, because
I feel like there's more that's going on that like
we don't know, and maybe OP doesn't quite know, so
I mean, at least they're talking about it, like I think.
If that's the case, then communication is really all you need,
and they were not doing a great job of it before.

Speaker 5 (11:01):
I think fifteen is old enough to start having some
of those harder conversations about like what's really going on
in a complex situation like this.

Speaker 4 (11:10):
But I asked them to carry on, and I had
to kind of persuade them to tell me what the
issue was between them and my dad. They had actually
bought an iPhone sixteen Promax for Christmas for me, and
had told my parents and my social worker that they
had bought it and were going to give it to
me for Christmas, but my dad bought one before that
they could give me theirs, and they felt upset that

(11:31):
their big present had been ruined. But they said that
that wasn't my fault and they didn't mean to make
me feel like they didn't care about what my dad
got me. Honestly, that made me feel upset. I asked
my dad why he bought me the phone if he
knew that Henry and Aaron already did. He said that
he didn't want Henry and Aaron to have to give
me something so expensive, but I said that they already
bought it for me, and he knew that. I said

(11:52):
that that was unfair and that he shouldn't have done that,
and he called me ungrateful. I asked him how he
would have felt if it was the other way around,
and he left me on red. Oh great. I actually
feel really upset for Henry and Aaron that my dad
did that to them, and I actually feel guilty, even
though I didn't know that they had already bought me one.
I'm not sure what to do now. I could give

(12:13):
my phone back to my dad and have Henry and Eron's,
but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.
Henry and Aaron said that it wasn't my fault and
that it doesn't mean that my dad is a bad person,
which I know, but I do feel really angry at him.
Here's what you do. Then you keep the dad's phone,
and then they return theirs, and then you get the
money from it.

Speaker 5 (12:30):
It's pretty straightforward. It's like he was just trying to
be Dad number one. People are complicated. I don't think
you were ungrateful. I think you were just trying to
be like, hey, was this about me or was it
really about them? Yeah, because it feels like it was
more about them and getting one over on them than
it was getting me the thing I actually wanted. It

(12:51):
was like, you're doing both, but which one was really
pushing you to do it? Like if you didn't hear
that they had gotten me that phone, would you have
still gotten.

Speaker 1 (13:00):
Me the phone?

Speaker 4 (13:00):
Exactly? Because I feel like if his issue was like, oh,
like I didn't want them to spend the money, then
he would have talked to them and be like, hey, no,
like let me pay you back for this.

Speaker 5 (13:08):
If anything, it feels the opposite that he's like, turns
out you spent all that money for no reason.

Speaker 4 (13:14):
We do have a second update, which is three days
after the last update. I'm writing this from the school
it suite. I just wanted to share something. Firstly, it
makes me really uncomfortable that people were sending me hate
messages and passing away wishes to my dad. People were
messaging me saying that they wish he oh wow, sorry,
but you people need help. It's not normal to treat

(13:34):
people like that, and it's not normal to say things
like that to people.

Speaker 5 (13:37):
Yes, fifteen year old discovers Internet comments are not always
the most gracefully put.

Speaker 4 (13:44):
People were accusing me of being blindly loyal to my dad,
which simply isn't true. I've said so many times that
my dad isn't a great person, but that doesn't mean
he's a sociopath or that he deserves to pass away.
It's so crazy that I get downvoted for saying, bro,
calm down a bit please when I respond to people
like that. Anyways, my dad is still ignoring me, which

(14:04):
is making me really upset. I've sent him some messages
just basically saying how's you, how's work and stuff, and
he's left me on Reddit every day since last Thursday.
So I've decided that I'm just going to leave it
and if he wants to talk with me again, he
can come to me. Henry and Aaron said that they
felt really bad because they said that they shouldn't have
told me about what my dad did, but I said

(14:25):
that I'm glad that they told me. I decided that
I would keep the phone in my dad gave me
and we'd return the phone that Henry and Aaron bought me,
and we're going to use the money for a trip
to Drayton Manor where we have the fast passes so
we don't need to wait in any lines, and we're
going to take my little brother. Also, he doesn't live
with me Henry and Aaron, which is going to be
so much fun. And I'm really excited for that. Seep boom.

(14:46):
Let the dad spend his money and you guys can
go on a fun trip.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
Exactly.

Speaker 4 (14:50):
There's a little bit more to the story. You have
any final thoughts before we wrap it up.

Speaker 5 (14:53):
Oh, he's going about this right fifteen year old, I think,
And it's like, I think it shows the foster.

Speaker 1 (14:59):
Parents I really care about Op.

Speaker 5 (15:01):
They're worried about Op and they're like, we're sorry, we
shouldn't have told you that about your dad, and Op's like, no,
I feel great. I would prefer to know that I'm
fifteen now, I'm going.

Speaker 1 (15:10):
To grow up. You're doing the kid at disservice.

Speaker 5 (15:12):
If you continue to restrict their ability to access.

Speaker 4 (15:17):
He can handle this kind of stuff. I think they're
learning that there's a little bit more to the story.
I just want to clarify some things. I am long
term matched with Henry and Aaron, which means that I'm
never going to be reunified with my biological parents, even
if they became superparents with no flaws. I'm matched with
Henry and Aaron, so I'm staying with them until I'm eighteen.
This has been the case since I was eleven ish.
There have been plans for me to move back in

(15:39):
with my parents because, to be honest, neither of them
want me to. Sounds harsh, but it's true, and I
like living with Henry and Aaron. Also, both my mom
and my dad have children with other people. Now we're
still a family, though. I just have a very big,
very weird family, and that is the end of that story.

Speaker 5 (15:56):
A perfect perspective to have on that. Families just big
and weird, complicated.

Speaker 4 (16:02):
But that's the end of that story.

Speaker 5 (16:05):
My mother ended our relationship. Now she wants to take
it back.

Speaker 4 (16:09):
Too bad, So sad you're too late.

Speaker 5 (16:11):
No takes these back seats. Sorry, gonna try and make
it relatively short. Spoiler it's not, but for context, I
twenty six female to male have been my mom's fifty
four female emotional regulation From my whole life, I know
she has her own perspective on what's been going on,
but for extra perspectives from people close to the family,
including people close to her. Some people mentioned to me

(16:34):
and my siblings a few years ago that the way
she treats us and our father is not normal. By
the way, this comes from user beginning Star six twenty
and if you want to submit your own stories, go
to the r S last show Okay, storytime subred it. So.
My closest friends who I can fide in about the
things she said to me, have suggested that I go
no contact or end my relationship with her. Another friend

(16:55):
has suggested that she's emotionally harmful. My therapist thinks that
she has self absorbed traits, and my sister has said
I should cut her off and that she might do
the same. My brother's ex, who plan to marry him
and have children together, explicitly said that our mom would
not ever be allowed near her children. I've spent the
last year and a half trying to work with my

(17:16):
mom to improve our dynamic and explain to her how
and why I'm hurt by the way she treats me.
I never had the intention of ending the relationship and
have been trying really hard to get us into family
therapy or to have a mediator or other unbiased third
party to help us work through this, and she has
refused because she doesn't trust therapists, which if someone's a narcissist,

(17:38):
they'll never enjoy therapy because it's them being called out
on things.

Speaker 1 (17:43):
They should do differently.

Speaker 5 (17:44):
Yeah, we've been texting on and off about our issues
and have talked in person once. It hasn't been going
well since we're not having any outside help. I've been
trying to understand her perspective better to see how we
might move through this. Some of what I've learned about
her are the following. She believes that intention is way

(18:05):
more important than impact. In practice, this means she does
not apologize for hurting someone's feelings unless she meant to
hurt them and feels bad about it. When someone tells
her they've been hurt by something she says, she just
explains that she didn't mean to and expects things to
be fine again, which is not how that works.

Speaker 1 (18:21):
Yeah, she believes.

Speaker 5 (18:22):
That all she can do if she has unintentionally hurt
someone's feelings is explain herself. Apologizing is not on the table.
Trying to understand why it hurt is not on the table.
Committing to not doing it again is not on the table.
She genuinely believes that a bad mental health day is
more than enough of an excuse to treat people poorly
and lash out. Our last conversation via text was in September.

(18:44):
She'd claimed that she was still didn't know what she
had done to hurt my feelings, so how could we
possibly move towards repair if she didn't know what we
were repairing. I sent her a bullet point list of
only the things we had already talked about that had
happened in the past year and a half, and her
spons was that this conversation was absurd and she was
busy until November trying to get a narcissist to go, Hey,

(19:06):
I should change the way I behave I should change
the patterns of in my life in the way I
treat people. Yeah, that's an uphill head against the wall battle,
for sure.

Speaker 4 (19:19):
I'm just because she was just saying, like, we can
talk about this, but like not until November because I'm busy.

Speaker 1 (19:25):
Is that what she said?

Speaker 5 (19:26):
It's really just more that she's like, well, she thought
she had op being like, well, I don't even know
what we're finding, muscle, you're gonna have to and it's like, oh,
don't worry, I have the whole list.

Speaker 1 (19:36):
I have bullet points.

Speaker 4 (19:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (19:37):
And then when it's like, oh, you actually have a
structured argument, or like you're coming at me with some prep, Well, actually,
now I'm just gonna call this absurd and I won't
be talking to you until November.

Speaker 4 (19:47):
That's so ridiculous.

Speaker 1 (19:49):
Oh my gosh, yeah, I'm already.

Speaker 5 (19:50):
I'm just calling it now, just going to contact dude.
You're not gonna get through this. This whole time, I
had hoped we could work through this and understand each other.
I thought we could beat the odds and actually have
Her track record of repair is not good, but I
had help in past conflicts. She has ended her relationships
with my older brother, her own brother, her father, her cousin,
her best friend, and boss. So I was working against

(20:14):
the odds, but surely we could talk.

Speaker 1 (20:16):
Like normal adults.

Speaker 5 (20:17):
I want, or wanted her in my life, and I
want my dad and siblings more present in my life too.
I haven't been able to spend as much time with
them during the past year and a half because of her.
Apparently anytime I mentioned in her presence, she shuts down,
gets angry, and storms off. I don't want to hurt
their relationships with her, so I've been reaching out less often,

(20:37):
particularly to my dad, who I miss a lot.

Speaker 1 (20:40):
Don't do this.

Speaker 5 (20:41):
You're not hurting the relationships. Your mom is hurting the relationship.

Speaker 4 (20:44):
Absolutely. This is not your faults, not really your problem
to fix.

Speaker 1 (20:48):
Talk to the people you want to talk to.

Speaker 5 (20:49):
Yeah, yesterday she messages me out of the blue to
say she doesn't see how we can work this out.
I ask her what she means. She says the same thing.
She doesn't see a way forward. She doesn't know how
to fix this. I tell her it sounds like she's
ending our relationship and ask her to clarify if that's
what she was doing. She confirms and says she doesn't
know what else to do. That she's been willing to
apologize for one way she hurt me. Has been a

(21:12):
bit of a pity party about me deserving better into
having a life without being hurt constantly by my mom.

Speaker 4 (21:18):
Maybe talk about it, Maybe try to figure something out.
See what you're doing wrong, see what you could do better?

Speaker 3 (21:23):
Right?

Speaker 1 (21:24):
But the narcissists can't do that.

Speaker 5 (21:25):
She's going, Oh, well, you're saying that the things I
do hurt you, which would make me bad, which I
can't live in that reality. So I'm not accepting that
it's actually your fault that your feelings are hurt, and
not my fault for hurting your feelings with the things
that I did.

Speaker 4 (21:39):
Right, you deserve so much better giving her an excuse
making it seem like this is like a good choice
by the mom from that guilt tripping not true.

Speaker 5 (21:48):
Everyone has the capacity to change, so does his mom.
But you, op are not equipped with the tools that
you would need to try to help her or have
her change in a positive way.

Speaker 4 (22:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (22:00):
I repeat what I've been saying this whole time, that
I'm just asking for an apology and an attempt to
understand how she is hurting me in a commitment to
behave differently. I tell her, if she wanted to apologize,
I've never stood in her way. If she wanted to understand,
she could have listened to any of the times I've
explained it to her. I told her, if she wanted
to treat me differently, she could have started. Lastly, I

(22:22):
tell her it's disappointing that she's made this decision, but
I won't stand in her way. She replied with a
single sentence apology for one of the hurtful things she's done.
I can't help but read it with a sarcastic tone,
although I think she may have intended it as a
half but olive branch or an attempt to keep talking
and undo her decision minutes earlier to end our relationship.

(22:42):
I haven't responded. I don't think I want to. I
don't think she's actually willing to hear me out or
change how she treats me. Is that an ahole move
to accept her decision to end the relationship but reject
her minuscule apology.

Speaker 1 (22:56):
There's an update. No, you're not the a all. Your
mom's narcissist.

Speaker 5 (23:01):
Absolutely, and that doesn't necessarily make her evil, but it
just makes her behave in a way that's like, you're
not gonna get through to Yeah, the way she's acting,
you won't be able to have a tangible impact on
her actions, right, because they're just that hard to unprogram
after a certain amount of time. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (23:19):
Absolutely. And then, of course, since she's so like manipulative,
she's using all these guilt tripping things.

Speaker 5 (23:24):
If she goes, you know what, there's no way forward,
can't fix it. We're gonna just have to stop communicating.
Then you go, So, there's a hundred different ways we
could fix this, But if you're gonna say that, then
that's what we'll do.

Speaker 4 (23:36):
That's true.

Speaker 1 (23:36):
I agree with that. Yeah, do that.

Speaker 5 (23:39):
Don't let her back in with a sarcastic apology that
she doesn't mean and you know she doesn't mean it.

Speaker 1 (23:44):
Update.

Speaker 5 (23:45):
Over the last few weeks, I was holding strong in
my decision to not accept her take seas back seas.
She messaged me several more times since then, each time
with some unhinged prospect that made it harder to not respond.
She has decided to speak to her lawyer and strategize
without me at length about whether or not they could
get me a restraining order against my childhood abuser. She

(24:08):
said she wouldn't move forward until I okayed it, and
followed up a week later she added a big old
spiel about how if we were to keep trying to
work things out, she thought I needed to consider that
every event has three points of view, mine, hers and
what really happened, and that I needed to consider her
point of view about the times she has hurt me,
what the core of her thing is. She's like, intent

(24:31):
means more than what actually happened, Yeah, which is just backwards.
It's like, actually, what really happens trumps the intent because
you have this is what I meant to do. Here's
the thing that happened, right, The thing that happened now
holds more weight than what you wanted to happen.

Speaker 3 (24:51):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (24:51):
I feel like that only works and situations where it's like, oh, sorry,
like I meant to I can't thlieve an example, but
like very small all things like oh I'm sorry, I'm
just meant to clean your room. I'm sorry that I
put things in the wrong spot, you know, like that
kind of thing, Very little things like that. With just
straight up hurting people, it's like, what, well, it's just.

Speaker 5 (25:14):
The argument of what did someone mean versus how were
they perceived. She also went on a bit of a
rant about how boundaries, saying I can have personal boundaries
that affect only me, but that it's not okay for
me to have boundaries that she has to abide by
in order to have a relationship with me.

Speaker 1 (25:29):
Also fully backward exactly.

Speaker 5 (25:30):
She seems to think that we need to mutually agree
to my boundaries, which is not how boundaries were, and
that if she doesn't agree, she doesn't have to respect
them because it would make her feel unsafe in the relationship.
I broke down and responded, nothing too long. I said, hey,
don't go talking to a lawyer about my situation without
me there. I told her that her earlier decision to
end the relationships and then do take Sea backseas resulted

(25:53):
in a loss of trust in her. I told her
I was not willing to continue the back and forth
messages because it wasn't working, and suggested two ways forward
family therapy or give up on resolution. Go to just
minimal contact, one brunch a year for a catchup, no
family dinners or holiday invites. I said she could pick
either or none, but I wasn't willing to keep doing

(26:15):
what we've been doing. I also responded to her rant
about boundaries. I have boundaries, regardless of whether or not
she likes them, and she can ask questions about them
to understand if she doesn't agree, but pushing them results
in me reducing or taking away her access to me.
She responded on the twenty third, with perfect timing to
blow up the family. Right before Christmas, she wrote a

(26:36):
freaking novel responding to a dozen of my earlier messages
plus my most recent one. Sentence by sentence, she would
copy and paste a sentence of one of my messages,
then respond to it over and over. This coming from
the woman who's like, ah, we have nothing to talk about.

Speaker 1 (26:51):
I don't see a way forward.

Speaker 4 (26:53):
Right.

Speaker 5 (26:53):
Actually, here's a complete dissertation on everything I think and
everything I see.

Speaker 4 (26:58):
Yeah, it sounds like you got a lot on your mind. Actually,
she's doing.

Speaker 5 (27:01):
A power play. She's powerplaying you. She's doing it right
at Christmas. And then she's gonna say, and this is
your fault. You ruined Christmas by sending all these messages,
which is not true. She ruined Christmas by responding to
them today before Christmas Eve like an unhinged maniac.

Speaker 4 (27:16):
We see you, we know your tricks.

Speaker 5 (27:18):
I see through you. I haven't seen anything like it before.
And I don't know what she hope to actually accomplish.
Here most of her responses where I don't know how
I have hurt you, I don't know what you're talking about,
or I don't understand, but a lot of these things
were explained at other points in the same message where
we had talked about them earlier. So what the heck, Yeah,

(27:39):
it's because she's not in your reality, dude, She's in
her narcissistic reality. She's like, well, what do you mean
you were heard I don't get it. Well, I don't
understand what that means. Oh, I explained it in an
entire paragraph back here in that message you quoted. Yeah,
but I don't get it because I can't hurt your feelings.
Receiving that message was a firm turning point for me.
I've had several points in the last year when I've
thought this would be the end and had started to

(28:00):
accept that.

Speaker 1 (28:01):
There was no real relationship for us.

Speaker 5 (28:03):
A key moment was the unanimous response to my previous post.
So thank you read it for affirming my experience and
supporting me. I took a couple of days and responded
yesterday so that she wouldn't be able to blow up
Christmas Day when the rest of my family would be
with her. I was, of course, not at her Christmas.
I told her I'm giving up that she doesn't understand
what boundaries are or how they function into healthy, respectful relationships.

(28:26):
I told her that it's not worth it for me
to keep explaining my pain just for her to act
like I'm keeping her in the dark.

Speaker 4 (28:32):
I wrote a.

Speaker 5 (28:32):
Paragraph about the types of ways she has hurt me.
I thought y'all might like the final paragraph, in which
I'm absolutely being unkind. But I don't regret this one quote.
It feels like I have a gaping hole in my
life where caring mother is supposed to be, and instead
it's just you. There are people in my life who
are far more deserving of that space, and I'm no
longer willing to reserve it for someone who hasn't earned

(28:53):
it and isn't willing to set aside their ego for
the sake of their relationship with their child.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
Well said Opieah, Yeah, it's yeah. That sucks.

Speaker 5 (29:00):
No one wants to go through that, but absolutely it's
better to realize this and go, hey, this isn't working,
and I'm gonna stop wasting my energy on it.

Speaker 4 (29:09):
Exactly.

Speaker 1 (29:09):
You carving through a brick wall with a spoon.

Speaker 5 (29:12):
Yeah, slow, agonizing, near futile work.

Speaker 1 (29:17):
But that is the end of that story.

Speaker 2 (29:21):
Hey, it's sam' your og host here readiet back to
the stories. But here's three minutes bads from our sponsor.

Speaker 3 (29:26):
My sister is planning an extravagant wedding, but the family
is paying for it.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
What the heck?

Speaker 3 (29:32):
What's going on there? So my younger sister, Katie twenty
eight female and her partner Chris twenty nine male, are
getting married in April in Dubai. She has always wanted
an extravagant wedding and is going all out on this.
So this wedding is happening over four days. By the way,
this comes from one change forty.

Speaker 1 (29:48):
Five oh three.

Speaker 3 (29:48):
And if you want to make your own stories, go
to the r slash Okay storytime severed. So there are
seventy guests, but they want us meet my husband and
parents to stay in the same hotel along with them
and her bridesmaids which I I am made of honor
and the groomsman. The hotel is pretty lux so with
flights it's costing just over twenty nine hundred pounds east

(30:10):
for all seventy people each each. Oh my god, twenty
nine hundred aka thirty nine hundred USD each. Kind of crazy.
So Chris the Grimm's family are also staying in the hotel,
which includes his parents, two brothers, and his nephew.

Speaker 1 (30:26):
They are well off.

Speaker 3 (30:27):
I don't know exactly how much they earn combined, but
I know Katie is on a eighty eight thousand pound
salary and she is the lower earner. But about six
months ago, Chris and Katie came to us and asked
to borrow seventeen thousand pounds more. They stressed it would
be alone, paid overtime, and said the venue had increased

(30:48):
the price, Dubai law was different, blah blah blah blah blah.
They had to pay this money or they'd lose the lot.
We believe them, and I offered to loan seven thousand
pounds and my parents the other ten thousand pounds. Long
story shorts, I have since found out through someone else
that the seventeen thousand pounds wasn't for the venue. Lies

(31:11):
it was for Chris's family to fly over there. They
saw how much it was going to be, didn't want
to pay, and then.

Speaker 1 (31:19):
Refused to go. So I asked Katie and she confirmed.

Speaker 5 (31:22):
So.

Speaker 3 (31:22):
My first question was if they were paying for his parents,
why not ours. I would never expect them to pay
for me, even if we couldn't afford it, I'd have
wished them well and stayed at home. Her answer was
because they can afford it. She got very defensive and
said it was the fairest way she could think of
doing it. It's hard enough planning a wedding, et cetera,
the fairest. But when I asked, if you genuinely thought

(31:47):
this was the fairest way to do it, why did
you lie about the seventeen grand and saying it was
for a venue issue, she couldn't answer. My parents are
aware and very disappointed. They lied, but have said they
are still attending, but I have backed out. To me,
it feels like my parents are being taken advantage of.
And if they couldn't afford to pay for both our

(32:08):
and Chris's parents and his brothers and nephew, then they
should have just paid for the four parents or no
one at all.

Speaker 1 (32:15):
I guess they've paid for other people.

Speaker 2 (32:19):
I think OP just like maybe the parents can't actually
pay for it, but OP just doesn't like the fact
that their family's being taken advantage of.

Speaker 3 (32:27):
A thousand percent. Yeah, and like, hey, if you're gonna
fly other people over, how about starting with your freaking parents,
and they especially should have lied about it. Katie and
Chris keep calling me and asking me to attend, saying
I'm making them feel bad and ruining their day, But
the whole thing just feels icky to me. I'm genuine
open book, So be brutal am I being an a hole? Here?

(32:49):
Should I just suck it up and go? And we
do have a edit and a lot more, including the repayment. Okay,
it's just to answer all quick.

Speaker 1 (33:00):
Is OP the a hole?

Speaker 3 (33:01):
First off?

Speaker 2 (33:03):
I don't think so. I think OP is just putting
a boundary that like, they're not going to accept this
kind of behavior from these people that are about lying
to get money. And it's already a big ass to
ask for that money, but to lie about it, I
mean would would be really damaging to the friendship and yeah,
or to the relationship.

Speaker 3 (33:22):
Rather absolute insanity. Yeah, if you ask me edit crumbs.
That's a lot of comments. Haha, thanks so much. Everyone,
just wanted to answer a couple of questions and comments
that came up a lot. The repayment. My husband's brother
is a solicitor and he kindly drew up a contract
and repayment plan for both myself and my parents. So
the money will be paid off within twelve months of

(33:44):
the wedding. Thank god. I'm guessing they signed it before,
like as they gave it away. If they don't stick
to this, I have access to a free solicitor. Haha.
I hope it wouldn't come to that, but that's why
I have the papers for the worst case scenario on
asking for the seven grand back. I might be a

(34:04):
soft touch, but asking for this back feels like a
step too far, like I'm mad as heck, but not
enough to actively try to ruin ruin their wedding a
few weeks before, which it feels like right now at
least is what they would be doing. But hey, give
me a few more days to stew. And now we
have edit number two. Do we think, Yeah, what do
you think about asking for the money back right now?

Speaker 2 (34:25):
The seven I think you are entitled to ask for
the money back. Yeah, it seems like OP doesn't want
to want to rock the boat too much. And it's
like all right, like, yes, it wasn't used for the venue,
but it was used for like kind of way. It
wasn't like, oh, like I took the seventy k and
put it all in black. Yeah, when I pulled it away,

(34:46):
or like I'm buying a Gucci bag.

Speaker 3 (34:48):
Or Front airbags. We've seen another st yes. So thanks
again for all the feedback everyone. Just another quick FYI.
A few people have asked about Chris's family or seemed
to have the impression there. Well off, that was me too.
I'm obviously not privy to their financial situation, but from
the limited amount I do know from what Katie has said,

(35:09):
Chris and his family grew up very poor.

Speaker 1 (35:11):
Ah.

Speaker 3 (35:11):
Okay, so Chris's family is not very wealthy. Okay. Before
all this, I'd always thought Chris was a lovely guy.
But I had caught him in the odd but harmless
white lie things like where we went to school, the
type of house he grew up in, etc. I got
the impression he is embarrassed or resentful of his upbringing
given their lack of money, and this is how he

(35:32):
now values his own self worth by how much money
he has. Huh. My guess is when his family said
they couldn't go, he panicked and worried. People would ask
why they weren't there, and he would either have to
say they couldn't afford it or he couldn't afford to
pay for them and their lies, so he's trying to

(35:54):
save face. He asked for seventeen grand is alone to
save the embarrassment, which again I don't know why this
hasn't been brought up by commenters or anybody.

Speaker 1 (36:07):
Why not stay at a cheaper hotel.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
John, because that wouldn't be as cool and you couldn't
flex to your family and be like, yo, look at
how rich I am.

Speaker 3 (36:21):
And he would either have to say he couldn't afford
it or he couldn't afford to pay for them, and
look his past trauma slash experience. Is not for me
to judge, but if that were the case, it just
makes me more mad that they both didn't plan ahead
and talk to friends and family about what they could
afford before booking Dubai again, different hotels. I'm gonna go crazy.

(36:41):
If it was such a deal breaker for his family
to be there, they all should have factored that cost
in of paying for all the parents to attend, instead
of thrusting three grand per person bill at them and
expecting them to rock up. But we have an update, I.

Speaker 2 (37:00):
Hope where on to greener pastures with the update and
everything gets kind of solved and it's all beautiful sunshine Roses.

Speaker 1 (37:06):
Update.

Speaker 3 (37:07):
I had a lot of messages at the time of
posting asking for an update on what I decided to do,
so wanted to check in. So in shorts, I didn't
end up going to the wedding. Katie and Chris basically
pestered me constantly until a few days before the wedding
they were due to fly out. I received a belligerent
voicemail from Katie saying if I didn't go, I wasn't
her sister anymore. Wow, I was embarrassing myself and her

(37:31):
and Chris. I was a horrible person. And most shockingly,
if I didn't go, then her and Chris wouldn't be
paying me back or my parents for the money we loaned.
So trying to blackmail me. Oh wow, once again, that
was seventeen thousand dollars British dollars.

Speaker 2 (37:52):
That is more than American dollars. I mean, it's like
one point five.

Speaker 3 (37:56):
She said that she would claim it was a gift,
that I faked the contract, and that I would have
to take her to court. She was clearly wasted at
the time. The voicemail was left on the night she
was having her at home HANDU, which I obviously didn't attend,
but it was so beyond anything I thought she was
capable of. I ended up sharing it with my parents,

(38:18):
and they also reluctantly pulled out of attending. Now I
heard through family and friends in attendance at the wedding
that she and Chris were telling everyone I had alienated
her from her family and told lies to our parents
that we gifted money and expected them to pay for us,
et cetera, et cetera, and that they made the decision
to uninvite myself and my husband. Other more insulting things

(38:43):
were said that I don't particularly want to go into,
suffice to say they were very hurtful. As I mentioned
in my post, I had my brother in law solicitor
drop a contract for repayment for both myself and my parents.
Was supposed to be the first repayment date passed without
word from either of them, so brother in law picked
it up from there they are going down. His attempts

(39:07):
to reach them were ignored, apart from one email from
what I think was a fake law firm outlining that
the money was gifted. The contract was fraudulent and to
take them to court. Basically, in response to that, brother
in law sent a copy of the voicemail Katie left
and a final demand Yeah, because Katie literally said, hey,
I'm going to claim that year thing was a gift

(39:29):
that I'm going to say that you're kind like she's
literally just completely exposing herself, and a final demand outlining
the payment plan was now Nolan void and we wanted
the money in full within thirty days or we would
indeed be going to court. Magically, the full amount appeared
in our account five days later. Wow, huge, I mean
pretty good.

Speaker 4 (39:49):
Sam.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
Do you have any final thoughts?

Speaker 2 (39:52):
I think I think this person is obviously posturing and
trying to have this image of class and and money
and like, and it's just not I think when when
someone prioritizes image over authenticity, it's not someone you want

(40:12):
to bring too much close, because you will have things,
you'll have things like this that come up.

Speaker 3 (40:16):
Yeah, it's the thing of like it's almost like the
kid that was like around the private school kids and
then they're just like trying to like front the lifestyle.

Speaker 2 (40:25):
Yeah, when they're going to credit card dead or you
know they're or or whatever it might be it's it's just, uh,
I don't know, It's just I think it shows a
lack of, uh, the good values.

Speaker 3 (40:40):
I've heard on the grape vine since the wedding that
they have been telling anyone who would listen that we
asked for a gift back out of the blue and
disown them and how much of a difficult financial position
they are in because of this. So that's that I
can't see myself having a relationship with after this. WHOA,
so she is cutting off her sister.

Speaker 2 (40:58):
But I mean like they're they're bad the entire family.
I understand why they would do.

Speaker 3 (41:03):
That, which is devastating, But at the same time, I
truly believe that now after everything, this isn't my fault.
That's a good point. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice.
I hope this update is enough for everyone who asked
for one. And that's it.

Speaker 2 (41:17):
That's all she wrote.

Speaker 3 (41:20):
Hey, it's John here, og host of the show. We're
gonna get back to these juicy stories, but here's a
quick three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

Speaker 1 (41:26):
My sister's debt ruined our family, and I refuse to
pay it.

Speaker 2 (41:30):
Then, don't the first thing to say about my father
is that he places a very high value on formal education,
is that very little of it himself, but believes that
it is the best thing you can do in life.
By the way, this comes from DoD And if you
want to submit your own stories, go to our slash
Okay story time sub write it. So I am of

(41:50):
a set of non identical twins with my sister, and
she is everything that he could hope for in that
she's a bachelor's, master's and has just completed law school.
Unfortunately for him and me, I am not suited to
formal education at all. I did a role for one
semester at a state U, but I knew from day
one I had made a mistake and left. He was

(42:13):
furious about that at the time and confidently predicted that
I would be a bum and a loser the rest
of my life.

Speaker 1 (42:21):
Thank you Dad for the photo.

Speaker 3 (42:23):
Confident you're looking at a college dropout right here.

Speaker 2 (42:26):
However, I found my niece as an entrepreneur. Let's go,
and after struggling along for a few years at the
beginning and now am doing very well. In the same
way that I knew college is not for me. I
know that running my own business is. I have started
and sold a number of them over the years, and
although not everything I've tried has worked out by any means,

(42:48):
the last one I managed to sell for a decent
chunk of change low eight figures.

Speaker 5 (42:53):
My boy.

Speaker 1 (42:55):
Let's go going crazy. Let's go fellow entrepreneur.

Speaker 2 (43:00):
Oh, it's going crazy.

Speaker 3 (43:01):
My god.

Speaker 2 (43:02):
And have recently moved across the country to NYC to
find a mentor to help me play in the big leagues.
Prior to this incident, I thought that my father had
come to terms with me not going to college, et cetera,
and making a success of being a businessman instead. He
and I have never been on the best of terms,
but I did honestly think we had managed to get

(43:22):
to some sort of working relationship. I should add that
my sister and I have always been close, and although
our lives have taken us in different directions, we still
speak at least once per month. I always knew she
must have incurred a good amount of student loan debt
over the years. But I see you in the chat
if you know what's coming. Daddy's little golden educated girl

(43:43):
might not have two pennies for rup together, but big
Daddy warbugs old pie has been selling businesses since he
started a lemonade stand at five years old. Come on,
come on, but I have never tried to tell her
how to live her life, and she has never tried
to tell me to live mine. My sister got engaged
last year to a guy she met in law school.

(44:05):
Boom nice. I have met him once they came to
NYC for a visit, and he seemed alright to me.
Fast forward to two weeks ago, and I'm traveling NYC
to our hometown for meet the family type dinner with
my family and my future brother in law's family. Coincidentally,
they come from a nearby town. Up front, I will
be very honest and say that I didn't really want

(44:27):
to go, as there's a long trip for me and
I'm a very busy person, and what does it matter
if I meet his family or not. But I go
for my sister's sake. Anyways, just before dinner, my father
pulls me off to one side and tells me that
sister and brother in law have a combined student loan
debt of nearly five hundred thousand dollars. That is so much.

(44:54):
You better get that law lawing asap.

Speaker 3 (44:59):
Better be law.

Speaker 2 (45:00):
But that lobby, Yeah, that lobby be lawn. You better
be gabbling gabble gabble asap because you gotta pay that
crap off. It would be really nice if I did
something for the family for once and paid it off
for them as a wedding gift. That's an insane request
and also an insane way of phrasing it.

Speaker 3 (45:20):
Uh, you know what would be nice if you were
a good father for once?

Speaker 1 (45:24):
Boom.

Speaker 2 (45:25):
Frankly, I've been expecting him to ask me to contribute
to the cost of the wedding, and it already decided
that I would just keep my mouth shut and pay
up so long it was less than twenty five K.
But this really shocked me. It was really matter of
fact the way he said it. Now I have the
money and wouldn't really miss it. Boom dang man is loaded.

Speaker 3 (45:47):
Wow, he would not miss five hundred thousand dollars.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
But that was not the point.

Speaker 2 (45:54):
The point is not how rich I am. Gets worse.
As we're sitting down and eating, it transpires that he
has told everyone that I am rich and I will
be paying off the student loan debt. There are toast
heartfelt thank you. While I am just sitting there, stunned
and being railroaded in the most brazen way I've ever seen.
Long story short, I said a few things I probably
shouldn't have, ended up walking out of the restaurant there,

(46:16):
and then going back to the airport and catching the
Red Eye back to New York. While I'm in the
air sitting in first class, I assume I'm stewing on
the whole situation. But by the time I land, I
have calmed down, after you know, having five star meals
in the air and thinking what have I done. However,
when I search my phone back on in the cab

(46:37):
back to my apartment, it just blows up with voice
messages and texts for my parents and sister. Later that night,
my sister rings me again, and this time I answer it.
I explained that this isn't about money, but the way
in which it was just assumed that it would pay up.
I know that this sounds really petty now, but I
was just so angry at the time. My sister was

(46:57):
really surprised, and she knew nothing about it before they
and afterwards Dad was going around telling everyone that I
had said I was going to pay it, but had
now changed my mind. She ended up being really embarrassed
in front of her future in laws who are now
wondering what their son is marrying into. So it is
now very pissed at our dad. Now I come to

(47:19):
the issue. We didn't have the issue before, and now
that's the issue. Turns out my sister went back and
confronted our dad about it and there was a huge row.
And now she's talking about eloping and not having a
big family wedding at all, or only inviting her fiance's family,
et cetera, et cetera. My phone is being besieged with
messages for my parents to talk to my sister and
ask her forgiveness so that she will forgive them. The

(47:40):
final message from my father before writing this was just
him ranting about how I don't deserve the money that
I have and it is because of people like me
that college graduates are struggling. Seems that we aren't in
such a good place after all. I'm not sure what
to do. Was I totally out of line? I don't
have many friends to talk about this, and those I
do probably have as equal least youwed perception on this

(48:01):
as I do. Did I get this totally wrong? Should
I have paid the money. I hate being railroaded, and
that is what it felt like, as though my only
value there was a source of funds. Having said that,
I'd hate to think that my sister's wedding gets ruined
because of me. We got an update, But what do
you think John is opda hole for after that coming

(48:21):
out leaving the party and being like I'm not taking
any part of this.

Speaker 3 (48:25):
Uh not at all. I mean, what an insane thing
to say in front of everyone. We were like, hey,
he's just gonna pay this without like getting that confirmation
from Op at all.

Speaker 2 (48:38):
Dad's way out of line. I think going low contact
with Dad makes a ton of sense. Do you think
the sister is kind of innocently caught in the crosshairs here?

Speaker 1 (48:48):
Hey, you know what's always good communication?

Speaker 2 (48:51):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (48:51):
You know, so we can go to sister and be like,
hey listen, Uh, Dad was being crazy, but I want
to talk to you. I want to see where your
head's at. Like I don't know, because again op was like,
oh he had this more direct connection in relationship with
the sister, it seems, so maybe reach out to a
direct and kind of see if you can see eye

(49:12):
to eye and see if she's like not in dad land.

Speaker 2 (49:16):
My thought process is maybe, Ope, it was terrible what
the dad did, and maybe OP did need to cool
off and leave. But I feel like maybe doing so
in a less public way, you may have saved the
sister's face. If she was more blameless than this.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
That is a good point. She was kind of like
collateral damage I read it.

Speaker 2 (49:39):
It's been a few months since my original post, and
a few people have asked for an update during the time,
and honestly, I kind of feel like I owe it.
I forgot so many replies my posts, but I wanted
to wait until we had some kind of resolution before
I start. Many many thanks to everyone who commented, even
those who thought I was an evil capitalist who made
by money off the backs of the paw. A couple
of things I want to clarify. One certain her fiance

(50:00):
were not expecting anything from me financially too. They were
both very smart and hard working people who went to
law school with their eyes wide open about the dead situation.
I strongly believe they will be absolutely fine. Also, a
few of you had a guest at our ethnicity, and
while I don't want to give too much away, we
are from an Asian immigrant family, came over a couple
generations back, and my sister's fiance is white.

Speaker 1 (50:23):
Okay, So, as much as I.

Speaker 2 (50:24):
Enjoyed reading a lot of your replies affirming that what
I did was right, thing, a couple people made the
connection between my behavior and that of my father's, which
made me mad at first, but which began to get
under my skin so much so that I talked to
my sister about it, and her response is basically, thank
god you finally realized. I actually ended up flying to
her city and spending a couple of weeks with her,

(50:46):
and we had several long conversations which were very eye
opening to me. A couple of the commentarys on the
original posts brought up how I had only met the
fiance once, how I didn't want to travel, how I
stormed out of the restaurant, et cetera second et and
how this suggested that was pretty selfish slash self absorbed,
and it turns out you were right. To her credit,

(51:08):
my sister said she had put it down to me
being very focused on the business, etc. But she also
said she had tried to get me to give her
a time that we could get together repeatedly over the
past six months, to which I didn't really respond, which
I don't really remember, but she showed me emails and texts,
so I believe her. I'll spare you all the details.
There are some tears, but the short version is that
I realized how much I had been pushing her away

(51:29):
without knowing it, and how much it had hurt her.
But we are all good now. Something else happened. While
I was staying with her, had a lot of free time.
I am in between businesses as well, so it was
the most amount of free time that I had since
I left high school, and so while she was at work,
I would basically wander around and think. I also got
to spend time with her fiance. Reading back my original post,
I am ashamed to see that I am described that

(51:50):
I described him as all right.

Speaker 1 (51:52):
He is a great guy.

Speaker 2 (51:54):
He really loves and cares for my sister and shows
it in a thousand different ways each day. Sorry if
this machine were romantic. Which got me thinking about life
and family and what is the point of having a
lot of money if all you do is work. Oh
I'm not necessarily going to give up all of it now,
but I've been seriously reassessing what I want out of life,
and being happy looks pretty good. So on to my father.

(52:17):
I was in two minds about whether to go and
see him or not, but in the end, after I
spent time with my sister, I went. It was the
right thing to do. It was shocking seeing him. It
looked like he'd aged twenty five years in the previous months.
Apparently the whole restaurant disaster had acted as some kind
of psychological breaking point and he had snapped.

Speaker 3 (52:35):
When we met.

Speaker 2 (52:35):
None of the old animosity was there. It was like
he was a different person. I think this was worse
than having him shouting at me. I didn't know what
to do. One of my uncles told me that one
day the police had found him wandering down the street
and his underpants carrying as out of pruning shears. Oh, oh,
it would be funny if it wasn't so sad. So
there you go. I'm afraid there was no great confrontation

(52:55):
to tell you about. No going to contact is a
sad reality. If an old man pushed too far are
by his own fears and insecurities. After my time reflecting
on my life, when I was staying with my sister.
Believe me when I say that I was determined not
to end up in the same place. I'm pleased to
say that the wedding is going ahead. Future brother in
law's family has been smoothed over. My father having a

(53:16):
breakdown has actually helped a lot in that, and I
have made an effort to meet them as well and
let them know that my sister is not the only
acceptable member of our family.

Speaker 1 (53:27):
Edit the money, so.

Speaker 2 (53:28):
I'm neglected to tell you what happened about the money,
which is what most of you were interested in the
first place. Fair enough, so, as I hope I got
over in my original post, my sister and brother in
law never asked me for the money or expected any
I did bring it up with them very cautiously, and
they very firmly refused. My brother in law had an
interesting perspective that I want to share. He said that

(53:49):
if I had won the lottery, then he would have
accepted me giving them money, as it would have been
pure chance that I won, But as I earned the
money through building a business from scratch and selling it,
he didn't think it was right that I should feel
obligated to give some of that away. A lot has
been written about Asian culture and the weight of familial obligations,
but other people have cultures too, And with my brother
in law, you do not accept charity from family members

(54:11):
unless it is an emergency and always pay them back.
I am respecting his viewpoint here, at the same time
being very prepared to help them out at a moment's
notice in the event something terrible happens such that they
can't cope or work, et cetera. Balancing all the different
obligations and I think that is the right thing to
do for now, and that is where this story ends. Benito, Benito, Bendito,

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