My Friend keeps MANIPULATING me using her Autism! - r/AITAH | Reddit Stories | EP2305 - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is John.

Speaker 2 (00:00):
This is your og Okay storytime podcast hosts, and we have.

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Some rocking stories for you coming up.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
But before you rock out with your socks out, I
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sponsors keeping the show rocking and rolling.

Speaker 1 (00:14):
My friend keeps manipulating me with her autism.

Speaker 3 (00:18):
I had a friend that did that, old boy.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
I have a friend. We're going to call her Jazz,
twenty one female. I've known her for three years and
we've always gotten along well in the group. I should
clarify Jess as autistic. This is not a problem, I
would hope not, since the whole group has some neurodivergence
or something. By the way, this comes from user A
Dazzling Mixture eighty nine eighty. Last year a boy joined

(00:44):
our group of friends. We will call uh. We will
say be twenty one H.

Speaker 3 (00:50):
I'm not sure what H is, but.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
Twenty one himbo. I don't know. It could be anything.
Now there are five of us in the group, three
girls and two boys. He's a great person and gets
along well with everyone, especially me. Sometimes Jess tends to
use her autism as a way to avoid responsibilities or problems.
She also uses it to make plans work her way.

(01:15):
Don't get me wrong. Sometimes she's absolutely right and we
make adjustments for her. But there are times when the
entire group agrees to find a middle ground and Jess
just doesn't want to compromise things like specific restaurants, food
places to go, even how we do things. Be and
Jess dated for six months until they broke up due

(01:37):
to Jess's personal problems. He was not in a good
emotional moment for a relationship, and the healthiest thing was
to end it. After that, Jess started ignoring B. It
was reasonable and no one in the group forced anything,
but then she started ignoring and excluding me too. I
tried to talk to her, but she downplayed everything and
said I was misunderstanding and it was just part of

(01:59):
her autism. Of course, I got angry, but I couldn't
get anywhere with Jess because she started ignoring me too,
and our other friend told me not to pressure her
and not to make things harder. Jess and B started
talking again, but Jess continued treating me badly, even yelling
at me to f off when she was just standing

(02:21):
by the window where she was putting on her makeup.
She apologized afterward, but it didn't feel genuine. I haven't
spoken to Jess in two months, but she contacted me
to invite B and I to our hometown Pride. She
invited the whole group, but she also wanted to bring
her X before B, who we all know, because in

(02:42):
her words, he hurt her and she can't push him
away because just talking to him brings trauma to her.
Huh So, in response to this, B and I said no,
and then our friend told us that Jess was sad
because we didn't want to meet her ex when she
knew we would all get along and be friends. Next month,

(03:04):
I'm going with another group of friends to a convention
in another state, and Jess was invited. Now I'm worried
since in the group, we have to communicate and make
plans for the trip, but Jess has not been very cooperative.
For example, I told him that we should go to
a fast food restaurant next to the convention site, and
Jess said no because she didn't like that place, and

(03:24):
that we would go to a restaurant. It should be
noted that we are going on a low budget and
the convention is four days. I told her she could
prepare her food at the Airbnb where we are staying
and bring it to the event. We have an important
rule share our location with the group and let us
know where we will be since this place is so big.
But Jess keeps saying that it seems excessive. Okay, since

(03:46):
we'll be using public transportation to get to the convention
site and the airbnb, we want to have a set
checkout time. But Jess also thinks it's excessive and controlling
since she wants to have fun. Because of her autism,
Jess hates crowded places, loud noises, or being touched or pushed.

Speaker 3 (04:03):
Should have you guys explained conventions to her?

Speaker 1 (04:07):
Yeah, there's, there's there's that's a lot of that. I
explained to her that this is going to happen at
some point since there are a lot of people, and
she asked if I could tell everyone in the group
to avoid crowded places and to be attentive to her
and her needs. We all said no to Jess, and
that in reality, most of us wouldn't even be together
since we all want to see different things and we

(04:27):
would only see each other to eat and return to
the airbnb. That's a weird vibe as well.

Speaker 4 (04:34):
I'm so confused by this friend group, so like half
the time, I'm like, okay, like valid rules and they
other have them Like, you guys are planning to go
to a convention together, not spend any time at the
convention together. Apparently they shared locations.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
To go together. They're like, we're just like carpooling.

Speaker 3 (04:51):
Yeah, we go to the convention, we see together.

Speaker 1 (04:54):
Split up. Well, fragment it would be fine only see
each other to eat and return to the airbnb is wild. Additionally,
I am the person responsible for the trip, since I'm
taking my younger brother and two of his friends who
are all nineteen years old, along with another friend of
Jess and myself. Jess knows this, and yet she can't

(05:16):
commit to following the rules. Now, Jess doesn't talk to
the group or me, but she is with other people,
especially the friend who protects her and allows her behavior.
I don't want her behavior to ruin anyone else's trip.
It's been so difficult since she broke up with Bee,
and I'm honestly tired of having to constantly think about
not making her feel bad and tread carefully just to

(05:39):
avoid drama. My friend told me to post on the
alien website where strangers could give me feedback. So would
it be wrong if I ended this friendship to take
care of my mental health?

Speaker 3 (05:53):
I was gonna say, it may.

Speaker 4 (05:54):
Be kind of hard before the plans that you guys
have in like a couple of weeks after that.

Speaker 1 (06:02):
I believe it's time to start extracting yourself from the
friend group.

Speaker 4 (06:07):
You also already had. You said you hadn't talked to
Jess for two months? Why do we go back?

Speaker 1 (06:12):
And she invited you to a shin dig with her EXX.
That you didn't go to this group has me questioning
my entire reality. But we do have an update. Maybe
maybe it'll clear things up. We're not friends anymore. Some
days ago, we had a small reunion at a friend's
house who will call Jake twenty one male. Jess and

(06:34):
Jake were drinking while I was talking with another friend.
She's in medical school and wants to work as a
plastic surgeon. She jokingly was telling us that when she graduates,
she wants us all to go to her for whatever
work we want. I told her to add me to
her wait list since I'm planning to have a front
airbag reduction later in life. That's when Jess intervened. She

(06:58):
said that I was just crying and making it all
about me because I don't need that since I'm not
even that big, and as a sapphic, I should like them.
So that should be a moment where everyone just goes, hey,
can you leave?

Speaker 3 (07:13):
Right?

Speaker 1 (07:13):
Can you actually maybe just leave you?

Speaker 3 (07:16):
Actually? Like, don't get a say in her front airbag.

Speaker 1 (07:20):
Actually, Jake, who has always enabled her behavior, told me
that Chess was right. Others do have problems with their
chest and I should just suck it up just like
Jess does.

Speaker 3 (07:31):
Okay, so they all suck.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
Okay, I have to say that. In fact, Jess is big,
but she likes it. I don't. I never have and
never will. I'm always trying to cover up and use
clothes that will make my chest look smaller. Still, I
will never, in my whole life think about telling someone
else how to feel about their own body. Jake kept
telling me that all of that was triggering to Jess

(07:54):
since she can't have an aesthetical surgery since it's expensive,
and I was just showing off my money. In that moment,
my girlfriend intervened. She ripped them both a new one,
telling them that Jess will not be triggered all the
time if she just minded her god dang business and
stopped acting as if the world turned around her instead

(08:15):
of going on her feet and finding a job and
some stability in her life, that she was big enough
to understand that jobs have rules and not everyone is
going to bend over backwards just for her to feel
comfortable everywhere she goes. Oh, and that's called the cold water.
I don't think she's ready for it.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
No, I think we're gonna see the reaction though she
don't freak out. I'm excited.

Speaker 1 (08:39):
My girlfriend just took my hand and we left for
her apartment. My other friend later told us that Jess
had a meltdown. She was crying and accusing my girlfriend
and I of being ablest and attacking her. Jake was
consoling her, and he posted a long Instagram post about
people not understanding neurodivergences and attacking.

Speaker 4 (09:00):
Even though you said that every single one of you
was nerdivergent, right right?

Speaker 1 (09:07):
Oh boy? I just turned off my phone and cried
myself to sleep since I felt guilty about everything that happened.
The Next day, my brother and his best friend came
over to my girlfriend's house to say they were pissed.
Is Low. I have known his best friend for about
two years now at this point, they are both my
little brothers, and they told me not to worry and

(09:29):
they would handle everything, since my main concern was the
future trip to the convention. It turns out that they
both removed just from the trip. They paid her back
the Airbnb money, even though it will result in them
not being able to buy all the figurines they wanted
and to sacrifice some autographs. Don't worry, I will buy
them for them, and removed her from the group. My

(09:50):
brother also explained the situation to the other two people
that are going on the trip, and they both understood.
Jess tried calling me, but when I didn't answer, she
started sending these long texts about how I'm ablest and
how I'm attacking her and how I never have supported her.
She also texted in a larger group that we have
with other friends. I just answered as follows, I'm sorry

(10:14):
that you couldn't handle things being said to your face,
and since you're telling everyone your stories, then I will
tell the truth with proof I didn't attack you. You were
giving unsolicited advice about my body. My girlfriend just responded
with the same advice. If you didn't want that, then
you should have kept your mouth shut. Remember all of
the times that we had group projects, and you always

(10:35):
criticized everything that I made and changed it all the
night before, trying to make it look as if you
had done everything.

Speaker 3 (10:46):
Read it, Read it well, read it.

Speaker 1 (10:49):
I never turned in those works because you never read
the project guidelines, and it was always your part that
lowered our points. You shouted at me after every project
because I would not just follow your ideas, and then
you got angry when I worked with someone else and
accused me of not being your friend. I tried to
help you find a job. I took you to a

(11:09):
job interview with my cousin, and what did you do.
You started telling her that you couldn't work more than
one hour because you needed to take a walk or
it would be stressful for you. You then shouted at
me and sent me texts telling me how my family
were all bad people that wouldn't give you a job.
And you stayed friends with this person.

Speaker 5 (11:34):
For so long.

Speaker 1 (11:36):
The two times that you came to my house, you
always expected everyone to treat you as if you were royalty,
and almost threw a fit because my dog was barking
too loud. You didn't want us to be friends with
Bee because he was your ex, but wanted to force
everyone to like your other ex after you told us
he was harmful to you. You screamed at me and

(11:56):
my girlfriend for just hanging out with Bee or to
talking to him. You couldn't even compromise on following two
simple rules for a trip to a whole different state
because you'd rather party than be safe.

Speaker 4 (12:10):
Rather party than be safe, but can't be in crowds,
doesn't like to be bummed.

Speaker 1 (12:16):
This person is just entirely an enigma. Yeah, a mystery
wrapped within an enigma. My goodness, you are always attacking
everyone that doesn't follow your script on where you are
the most perfect person in the world. And I used
to bend over backwards just to avoid upsetting you, But
now I realize that you only use your neurodivergence as

(12:37):
a shield for your own entitlement. And I'm tired of
walking on eggshells. And right now I'm choosing my own
mental health instead of you. And by the way, we
have a little bit more story. We're not quite at
the end, but let's check in on how we're thinking
right now.

Speaker 3 (12:55):
I don't know why you let it go that long,
why we were gonna travel out of state with her.

Speaker 1 (13:00):
Well, I think it's the whole like neurodiversience thing. It's
the whole like using the diagnosis as a shield.

Speaker 3 (13:06):
To like.

Speaker 1 (13:09):
Behaviors. But and it's really hard. I feel like what
they're like twenty one, So they've grown up in this
environment where like, you know, that's it's very forward thinking
to like put a lot of that. I didn't grow
up where that was a thing, right, It's like like
the delicateness and like the oh we got to make
sure like that this person is you know, it was

(13:31):
just like what like shut up, like that's what I
grew up with. I'm not saying that's the best way.
I'm just saying that was my reality because that's exactly
what this friend would have been told in a group
back and it'd be like, oh, well, actually I can
only do this for like ten minutes, and then also
we can't go there, and then you can do this.

Speaker 3 (13:49):
Then maybe you should come on this trip.

Speaker 1 (13:51):
Yeah, this is not for you, yauser.

Speaker 3 (13:55):
You can to be miserable the whole time in a convention.

Speaker 1 (13:57):
Exactly at the end of the day. I don't care
where what other like contributing factors surround it. If you're
a miserable person, I just don't want to spend my
time with you. With that, I just sent all of
my proof and left the group. I blocked her and
Jake since he was only defending Jess. Now we have

(14:17):
an extra space on the airbnb, and my girlfriend's trying
to see if her boss will let her have that
weekend off so she can come with us. The whole
friend group has turned their backs to Jess and Jake,
so I hope this update will be the last. I
feel like a free person, like a burden has been
lifted off of me. Thank you all for your comments.
It really helped me to see that I was not

(14:39):
the a hole in this situation.

Speaker 4 (14:42):
My friend refused to sleep in the same bed with me.
Now everything's awkward.

Speaker 1 (14:47):
What kind of friend to preface?

Speaker 4 (14:49):
She female eighteen and I female nineteen, are both college students,
albeit at different schools and countries. However, we have been
best friends for over six years and went to the
same high school up until we graduated. Now I go
to university in America and she's in England. By the way,
this comes from Princey Pesq. We both come from affluent backgrounds,

(15:15):
so it's easy for us to travel. Whenever we do,
we usually sleep together. We both have traveled internationally with
our families, and we always slept on the same bed.
When we were younger, we used to have sleepovers all
the time, at least once a week. I continued loving
them and have them with my other friends too, while

(15:36):
she gradually started having them less and less, not just
with me, but with everyone else too, and then eventually
started hating them. Oh, however, she can sleep with her
boyfriend happily or her little sister. This hurts me because
it is my love language and something I need in
order to feel loved.

Speaker 1 (15:56):
No, I'm sorry, sweetie. Nah uh, that's not something yet
You're entitled to is the person?

Speaker 3 (16:04):
Okay?

Speaker 4 (16:05):
For spring break this semester, I decided to fly over
to England for weeks. Before this, we talked about the
sleeping situation. She has a vacation home in London in
which she lives, and kept on saying that I will
be staying in my own room while she sleeps in
hers because there's enough.

Speaker 1 (16:23):
Rooms to do this, right, right, right, You're.

Speaker 3 (16:27):
Just gonna take the other room, right.

Speaker 4 (16:30):
I was never okay with this, and we were always
bickering back and forth about it, with me wanting to
sleep with her and her wanting to sleep alone. Her
reasoning was always we will be together all the time
and I'll be over stimulated. But that isn't true. Spring
Break in America is earlier than it is in England,
so while I'm here, she will be at school. I

(16:52):
knew this and said I'll be on my own. I
wanted to do some shopping anyways. It's not like I'm
making her skip school to spend time with me. Listen,
you can sleep here for free in my guest room,
or you can go pay for it somewhere.

Speaker 1 (17:07):
Yeah. No, Like there's truly nothing left to say when
someone's like no, and I feel like this person is
just being like yeah, but shouldn't they say yes? No?
They said no, there's an answer, they said no, that's it.

Speaker 4 (17:18):
Cause also like I feel like my love languages would
be different for friends versus like actual partners, Like if
they're the same thing, I'd kind of be like, oh,
what are we doing? Here this whole time. Her answer
has never been a straight no. It was always ambiguous.
We eventually came to a compromise when we were back
in our home countries for Christmas break, where I was

(17:41):
going to sleep with her until I got tired of her.
The thing is, we both know we won't want to
sleep together for ten days straight. Usually after two days,
I'm tired of her. But I think that I should
have the option to decide when it is that I
want to stop sleeping with her, and she shouldn't just
say that I can't sleep her, especially when I flew

(18:01):
across a whole seven hours to see her across a
different continent.

Speaker 3 (18:06):
So so she doesn't get to say in anything, and
you get all to say, I.

Speaker 1 (18:12):
Flew seven hours across the Atlantic Ocean so I could
cuddle you, and you're going to tell me I can't.
You can't tell me no.

Speaker 4 (18:22):
So fast forward to yesterday. I get to England and
everything is great. We met up with some friends and
she showed me around. When we got back to her place,
she started carrying my suitcase up. I thought she was
going to put it in her room second floor, but
she continues carrying it up to the.

Speaker 3 (18:40):
Third floor where my room is.

Speaker 4 (18:42):
I started being like, that's not what we agreed on,
and then she's like, it's not that big of a deal.
We'll spend every second of every day together up until
the last minute, and then you just go up to
your room to sleep. We argued for a good ten minutes,
and she finally said, fine, you can sleep with me,
but just know I'm unhappy with it and I don't

(19:02):
want this, which caused me to burst into tears.

Speaker 3 (19:07):
She gets so mad, saying.

Speaker 4 (19:08):
You always do this, you always cry when you don't
get your way, and then angrily pulls my suitcase down
to her room, then slams the door when I'm crying.
This obviously caused me to cry harder, so I sit
in the hallway.

Speaker 3 (19:21):
Just trying to call my other friend for some support.

Speaker 4 (19:24):
It's like, this is also the situation where it would
be great to have your own space, to go to.

Speaker 3 (19:29):
Your own room to go cry in.

Speaker 4 (19:32):
She comes out a few minutes later, asking if I'm
ready to be an adult, and at this point I'm
so mad that I don't reply, so she slams the
door again. After sitting there for probably forty to fifty minutes, crying.
I decide to go up to my original room and
see that she made the bed in everything, which meant
that she was planning for me to stay there.

Speaker 6 (19:53):
The whole time.

Speaker 5 (19:54):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (19:56):
Really never would have guessed like this.

Speaker 1 (19:59):
Is like a I will like again, like I'll wish
you the best, but like trip's over, let's work your
flying around because we're I don't think I can be
friends with you anymore after this.

Speaker 4 (20:12):
Right, it's not even like friend is on vacation, two
friends in school.

Speaker 3 (20:17):
This is your vacation. PS.

Speaker 4 (20:20):
The room is not bad or anything. It's not like
she's making me stay in the attic. The house is
a nice, multimillion dollar property, so everything is very fancy.

Speaker 3 (20:29):
I just don't want to stay alone.

Speaker 4 (20:31):
After a while, I went back down to her room
to get my suitcase and tell her I'm sleeping upstairs
while visibly crying, and she starts laughing, making jokes and
asking me to talk. I don't, and finally move my
suitcase up to my room when I hear the door
slam hard again. This time, I'm crying even harder and

(20:52):
almost having a panic attack because one she didn't stop me,
and two she was okay seeing me cry like that.
At this point, I really contemplated calling my mom to
get me the f out of England. The thing is,
my family also has a vacation home in France, where
my brother is currently staying for his spring break. But

(21:12):
because I was planning on going to London, I didn't
make a Shengyan visa. We are both non European and
non American. But I could make a Shingan visa really
quick and go there. I just didn't know if that
was too much, because if I did that, I'm sure
our friendship would have been permanently damaged.

Speaker 1 (21:30):
It's already permanently damaged because of you should be this
should be permanent damage.

Speaker 4 (21:36):
And the only reason why I didn't call my mom
was because I was scared she was going to hate
my best friend. Also, last night, when I was half asleep,
I heard her come into my room calling for me.
Then when she saw that the lights were off and
I was sleeping, she left, So I guess she did try,
or maybe I'm.

Speaker 3 (21:55):
Just making excuses for her. Anyways, it is the next
morning we have barely said two words to each other.

Speaker 4 (22:01):
I'm in my room and wondering would I be overreacting
if I'd just gotten e visa and went to France.
I truly am in disbelief of what happened last night.
I'm numb, and it's extremely awkward between us. I feel
like going to France would alleviate the uncomfortableness for now,
but if we are going to stay friends.

Speaker 3 (22:21):
It would be hella awkward later.

Speaker 4 (22:23):
The thing is, I already once broke up with her
and we didn't talk for six months, and you're speaking
as though you guys are dating, right, that's.

Speaker 1 (22:33):
The that's it's really being like, it's really giving, like, Bud,
this is your your partner, and that's why this is
so absurd.

Speaker 4 (22:43):
It took months of her groveling and our mutual friends
involved for me to even hear her out. So I'm
just confused as why she's risking me breaking up with
her again.

Speaker 1 (22:54):
So am I I know why? Because you're exhausting, you're
also not dating.

Speaker 3 (23:00):
It's not breaking up.

Speaker 1 (23:01):
Oh my god, She's risking it because it's not a risk.
She's like, that'd be great if this person left me alone. Yeah? Oh?

Speaker 4 (23:09):
So am I overreacting for all of this? And would
I be overreacting even more if I go to France.
Edit the amount of people calling me attracted to the
same gender or a predator. Wf WTF. We are both
straight and both had boyfriends before.

Speaker 1 (23:25):
You literally said breaking up, right, that's not an assumption.

Speaker 4 (23:31):
I also think the majority of y'all don't understand our
friendship dynamics. I don't think you understand your friendship dynamics. Yeah,
we are closer than the stars and the moon.

Speaker 1 (23:41):
Oh you're not.

Speaker 4 (23:42):
Our phone passwords are each other's birthdays, we share social
media accounts, we're on call twenty four to seven, and
even sleep on call.

Speaker 3 (23:50):
Heck, we even have access to each other's credit cards
on Apple pay just in case.

Speaker 4 (23:58):
It's just my logic is if we were on a trip,
we would share rooms, obviously to save money.

Speaker 3 (24:03):
She owns the house.

Speaker 1 (24:05):
There's no money to be safe house. What is the
like on the electric bill? Right?

Speaker 4 (24:12):
And if we already sleep on call every day, how
is it any different with me physically there? I also
just want to say I'm a very emotional person. I've
noticed I can't help but cry, even at the smallest things.
It's not a tactic I use to manipulate people, at
least not intentionally. I went to therapy when I was
in eleventh grade, and it basically had something to do

(24:34):
with the fact that my parents were very absent in
my life. I was raised by nannies, so crying was
the only way I knew how to get attention.

Speaker 3 (24:42):
So you are using it.

Speaker 4 (24:44):
As a slight manipulation tactic, and you are aware. I
truly am not doing it on purpose, and oftentimes am
actually ashamed of how easily I cry. We have some
comments commenter one, you may want to consider therapy. I
don't think this is regular best friend behavior. And we

(25:04):
have a reply totally not troubled rich girl. Comment her two, Opie,
you legit have problems that you need to deal with professionally.
You are needy and clean to a point where it
is not normal and very concerning.

Speaker 3 (25:19):
It's so bad.

Speaker 4 (25:20):
I thought this was a joke post because you are
overreacting to a point where it is not okay. And
I don't know if you are just so spoiled or
are we about to witness a lifetime movie situation.

Speaker 3 (25:32):
Wow, and we have more, but how you feel it?

Speaker 7 (25:36):
Oh my god?

Speaker 1 (25:37):
Is this I don't even know if this could be
classified as like rich people problems.

Speaker 4 (25:42):
This is just like I feel as though maybe the
like always getting her way could be classified that way,
but I still think this is well beyond anything like that.

Speaker 1 (25:49):
Yeah, that could be right, which she's just used.

Speaker 3 (25:51):
To demanding, like I want it now, Mommy, I need
it now.

Speaker 1 (25:55):
She's vruka salt.

Speaker 3 (25:56):
Yeah, that's what I was going for.

Speaker 1 (25:59):
I won't squill now, Daddy. You can't reason with someone
once they're in this state. I don't think like there's
no there's no working around it, there's no working through it.
It's just like you've got stuff to figure out. I'm
you're gonna have to figure it out, and without me.

Speaker 3 (26:17):
I guess we have an update.

Speaker 4 (26:20):
She asked what I wanted for dinner, and I said rice,
and I thought we were going to order in, but
she began cooking. She cooked in silence, and we ate
in silence, and then and then she did the dishes
in silence.

Speaker 3 (26:33):
Neither of us said sorry.

Speaker 4 (26:35):
I tried making conversation multiple times, but she wasn't receptive.

Speaker 3 (26:39):
I even poked her armpit, like she's a specimen of some.

Speaker 2 (26:44):
Con What is that you're fail safe where things really
go to like deaf con do.

Speaker 1 (26:50):
Yeah, that's the parachute.

Speaker 3 (26:56):
This was just getting too awkward. So I submitted a
visa app and I should be getting it in two days.

Speaker 4 (27:05):
I called my brother and he'll be there to pick
me up at the airport in France. My mom doesn't
know yet, and I'll have to come up with some
stupid excuse as to why I'm leaving London.

Speaker 3 (27:15):
You should tell her you poked your friend's arm pick.

Speaker 1 (27:18):
Yeah, I poke my friend's armpit and it ruined the
whole trip. I'm sorry everybody.

Speaker 4 (27:27):
If she ever found out the truth, I think she
would never let me talk to my best friend again.

Speaker 1 (27:31):
That's not your best friend.

Speaker 4 (27:33):
As for my best friend, she doesn't know I'm leaving yet,
and I'll be doing it when she's at school, so healthy.
I'm also packing up a double bag for today and
moving to a friend's dorm while I wait. My best
friend thinks it's just a one day sleepover. I'll let
her know once I'm on the plane or something. But yeah,
I'm not going to end our friendship over this, because

(27:55):
I always told myself if I do break up with
her again, it'll be the last and final time and
she don't ever hear from me again.

Speaker 1 (28:01):
No, No, I.

Speaker 4 (28:04):
Just want to be sure that this is the end,
and I don't think it's there yet. It'll take some
time for me to forgive her, but I think I
can do it, and that's the end of that.

Speaker 1 (28:17):
Enjoy France girl.

Speaker 4 (28:18):
Yeah, are you gonna stay in the same room with
your brother too?

Speaker 3 (28:23):
You're gonna snuggle it.

Speaker 1 (28:24):
Yeah, you're gonna go to the the hotel, the front desk,
the concierge and like, so, so, who who will you
be providing uh for me to sleep with tonight? And
they're like, oh, we do not this.

Speaker 3 (28:36):
This is your designated snuggler here.

Speaker 1 (28:38):
Yes, I'm looking for a snugglers.

Speaker 3 (28:41):
Me cooking their armpit.

Speaker 1 (28:43):
Yeah, yes, a little grumpy the snug little hotel. Hey
it's Sam. We're gonna get back to the stories. But
here's three minutes of bads from our sponsors. My best
friend turned my grief into her drama, and I finally snapped.

Speaker 3 (29:00):
When you go rubber band.

Speaker 1 (29:02):
Dennis I, twenty female have been friends with Ophelia not
a real name, twenty female since seventh grade. We started
off as those friends who hated each other but grew closer,
or so I thought. You see, we were put in
a small class and the group circle was about ten people.
I thought Ophelia and I were going to hang on
to each other, but she kept ignoring me for a

(29:24):
more extroverted girl. So I just adjusted and went well
with another girl of the group, who Ophelia hated and
still does. This is an messy way to start a friendship,
mind you, these girls were really different from us. My
family and Ophelia's were more protective, and hers were slightly

(29:46):
more religious than mine. When the VID hit, we were
in the ninth grade and didn't see each other for
a few months, then dissolved because of change of schools
and that Ophelia and I weren't allowed to go out
with those girls. And by the way, this comes from
user public Nebula eighty twenty eight. So I still talk

(30:06):
to that girl I befriended. She's a nice fellow. I
don't talk to the rest of the girls. Understanding how
they had belittled me and how they had ignored my
anxiety issues and struggles because one of the girls had
figured that she was by and had a crush on
our physics teacher, I was in peace without them. During
the VID, Ophelia messaged me saying that she was fed

(30:28):
up with those girls and we reconnected. Me Ophelia and
a girl from the group, Sierra, got into the same
high school. I genuinely liked Sierra, but Ophelia told me
to ignore her because she didn't like her. I didn't listen, though,
I kept a fair connection with Sierra even after she
changed her school. For the next two years, Ophelia and

(30:49):
I kept the connection since we didn't match with the
girls in our new class. That is until senior year,
when a new girl, Tysa, joined, and all of our
class started picking on her because of her spicy sleep preferences.
I really liked Tysa because she was nice and funny
and we had so much in common. But Ophelia decided

(31:11):
to dislike her too, probably because of her religious views
on people who aren't hetero.

Speaker 3 (31:20):
And I've lost a lot of respect for Ophelia here.

Speaker 1 (31:23):
Yeah, that's nobody's problem. Why do we got problems with that? Uh? Again?
I kept in touch with Tysa. I published my book
in my third language in twenty twenty five, and Ophelia's
honest reaction to this was why would I buy it?
I don't know that language, and then persuaded to buy
a bag that cost three times more than my book.

Speaker 4 (31:46):
She's right, though, I mean, you can still buy it
in support of like pricing.

Speaker 1 (31:50):
But I imagine maybe she bought the first two books.
Ophelia and I happened to go into the same university
in two different majors. She went for psychology and I
study English literature. We don't share classes, but we run
into each other and sometimes have lunch. Ophelia professionally went
for lead character syndrome. After choosing her major, she would

(32:11):
pick on everything. Things I said based on my knowledge
were false obligations. She raced to deny. All of My
messages about struggles and bad mood turned into hour long
speeches on Ophelia's personality. My achievements were stuff She could
be little by complaining about her bad mood. Two times,
like after midnight Gremlin's, she would message me saying that

(32:33):
there was something bothering her. I panicked and told my
mom about it. Then she opened my eyes to a fact.
This was a one way friendship. I was always the
listener and the problem solver, the calmer, the person Ophelia
could look up to because she's an only child. Of course,
my mom suggested I get some I set some boundaries,

(32:53):
but what I didn't tell her at the time was
that Ophelia is an evil manipulator. You need to walk
on eggshells around her. She's not the kind of person
you can easily open up to, not because you will
be judged, but because she doesn't care or remember and
will quickly change the subject to something stupid. Her cousin,
whom you don't give an f about, said, Heck, I

(33:15):
know Ophelia's great aunts, but she doesn't even know my
sister's name. I talk about my sister all the time.
Ophelia is so self centered that that every small detail
in life is a huge matter to her, except mine, apparently,
like she once talked for five minutes straight about how
the receptionist at the dentist got the card pin wrong. Oh,

(33:36):
and she expects reactions. I'm not a reacting kind of person.
All of my family and friends know this, but it's
somehow unacceptable to Ophelia. My older cousin, Melissa, studies at
the same university as I do, and she knows Ophelia.
She and Ophelia dislike each other. Melissa thinks Ophelia is

(33:56):
self centered and dominant and Ophelia just doesn't like cousin.
No idea why a shocker, Maybe because the cousin can
call her on her bs. I know you probably have
understood how awkward I am at making friends, especially with guys.
But I befriended a classmate of mine, Edgar twenty one,
whom I genuinely am fond of the sibling kind, not romantically,

(34:20):
I promise, and being awkward to make friends and social
anxiety is what we bonded over. I like him because
he doesn't spicialize woman like most of the guys in
my class do, and he likes me because I'm easy
to be around and not flirty like many other girls.
At the time. I developed a crush on one of

(34:41):
mine and Edgar's mutual friends, Ben twenty four, but haven't
told anyone much about it, especially Edgar. I don't want
us talking about love and partners. Ben owns a coffee
place close to campus, and I trust them because the
coffee shops around campus aren't safe places. At one point
I thought Ben might like me, since I caught him

(35:03):
staring at me and turned away the moment I looked,
but that was never a subject of our conversations. Plus
he told me that he had ended his relationship. We
were just talking about anxiety and our struggles. So one
time I took Ophelia to Ben's coffee house for her
birthday and she found out I liked Ben, so she
started to embarrass me by glaring at Ben and talking rudely.

(35:26):
No offensive words, just the way that she talked, but
Ben was polite enough to let it slide, even though
he looked uncomfortable. Afterwards, I visited Ben's coffee house alone
and didn't even mention them to Ophelia. Ophelia would later
see me talking and laughing with my classmates and called
them pick me girls while they were just being friendly,

(35:46):
says the the most pick me girl in the story.
So at the same time, Ophelia forced me to hang
out with her outrageous friends from psychology departments, who offended
me a million times, but I did mention it, knowing
I would receive no support from Ophelia. One time, I
was handling something important on my phone and didn't pay

(36:07):
attention to Ophelia's babbling, so she yelled at me in
front of her group of friends, even though I told
her I didn't know her friends well enough to be
yelled at in front of them. That's not really a
metric for being yelled at, But Ophelia said, I talked
to you however I want, oh brother. Later I was
the one apologizing for not paying enough attention to her,

(36:28):
and she somehow became the bigger person and forgave me.
How sweet of her. After that, I walked on thin ice,
not wanting to belittle myself by making situations that would
make Ophelia accuse me of things. This spring, I was
on a family trip with my cousin, Melissa's sister, when
their car crashed with a truck and my cousin didn't

(36:50):
make it.

Speaker 3 (36:51):
Wait, and oh my, I forgot this had to do
with grief.

Speaker 1 (36:56):
Oh god, that's pretty that's terrible. Okay, So I was
on a family trip with my cousin and their car
crashed with a truck, and my cousin, her husband, and
one of her children. Both of their children passed to
everyone passed away in the car. Everyone's gone. That's so terrible.

(37:17):
Oh my god, that's really bad. So once I learned
about this, I called Ophelia sobbing. She clicked her tongue
and I hung up and didn't talk to her for
a week, you should.

Speaker 3 (37:31):
Say you should just keep not talking to her exactly, keep.

Speaker 1 (37:34):
That streak alive forever. I got sick and for a
period after the crash and mentally messed up. Ophelia was
kind enough to ask me how I was doing a
couple times, but resumed telling me silly stories about her
life on the third day after the crash and expected
me to react. Even when we went back to college,

(37:55):
I wanted to be with Melissa the whole time, to
watch her, because that's what every normal Huean does, but
not Aphelia. One time at lunch, Melissa and I were
talking about our loved ones who had passed when Ophelia
interrupted by telling a disgusting story about her dentist. Last month,
something critical happened in the country. So Ophelia was in
the chat twenty four to seven, complaining about her anxious mood.

(38:18):
But I was fed up and knew that whatever I
say would not affect Ophelia a bit, so I didn't reply.
That got her even more furious to why I wasn't participating.
I had to build a whole scenario about not having
signal or internet to reach out while I could and
just didn't want to, which was fabulous for my mental health.

Speaker 4 (38:37):
You know, this is when we like turn our phone
off newt Ophelia, do not look at it, take our
time to grieve a tremendous loss, and then don't come back.

Speaker 3 (38:48):
Let's just not go back to Ophelia ever. Let's just
like realize as we're healing that we don't need her by.

Speaker 1 (38:54):
See you never Ophelia bye. Edgar isn't really comfortable around girl,
and I respect that. One time him and I were
at Ben's cafe with some friends. The friends left and
him and I were alone for about an hour, so
we talked about my next book and he gave me
some ideas about the cover. It was going really good

(39:15):
and was productive until Ophelia called and stopped by because
her class was canceled. As soon as she arrived, she
began rude behavior to Edgar and Ben. Edgar left only
two minutes after she arrived, and Ben ignored me for
the rest of my stay. I later had to apologize
to Edgar about Ophelia's behavior, but he dismissed, saying that
there were a few guys at the cafe who didn't

(39:37):
seem really safe, and he didn't want to leave me
there or else he would have left sooner, But he
didn't say that he was not upset with Ophelia. I'm
not a misogynist, but if I received messages from Edgar
and Ophelia at the same time, I would one hundred
percent answer to Edgar first.

Speaker 6 (39:54):
Thank you, scientist.

Speaker 5 (39:59):
Back up.

Speaker 1 (40:03):
That is maybe the most I know that. We've had
a lot of crazy things happen in this story. That
might be the craziest thing I've heard. Ophelia has strange
boundaries that don't work for me. She doesn't get upset
by people's passing and saying that she can't fake it.
She doesn't accept possibilities. She will cut all ties if
you say you might do something and then don't do it.

(40:24):
She is allowed to have space to herself, but I don't.
She thinks she has authority over who I like. She
thinks I need someone at least ten years older. She
goes on and on and on and on about religion
and her beliefs, even though she knows I'm not religious
and don't care. She sends me songs of genres and
singers I don't like. She buys me books that she likes,

(40:45):
but not anything I ask for. She doesn't like my
social circle. I'm not allowed to like them either. She
doesn't support anything I do, saying we don't like similar things.
She ignores my wishes. She finds a way to make
everything about herself. She doesn't take jokes, believing everything should
be philosophical and about God. She dismisses my knowledge on everything.
Because I misunderstood a part of something doesn't mean I'm

(41:10):
always wrong. She calls on her schedule when she can,
then gets mad if I can't answer. She gets mad
if I try a new snack and don't tell her
about it. She doesn't believe anyone is good enough for her.
She gets all defensive if I tell her stuff about
her that bothers me. Our recent fight was about this.
We have free will. You don't have to do this, Oh,

(41:33):
our recent fight was about this. After eight years of friendship,
Ophelia doesn't know my birthday. I remember hers and plan
the whole thing ahead, but she didn't know mine up
until three months ago. A month ago, I learned about
gaslighting and decided to practically teach it to her as
a silly joke. Really, I told her my birthday would

(41:54):
be one month earlier than its actual date. It's August twentieth.
I said it was July twentieth, and she kept saying
that I was born in August until I said this exactly, exactly.
This is called gaslighting, and I honestly thought she got
what I was doing was a joke. Three weeks ago,
my late cousin's son passed away. I adored that kid,

(42:16):
but there was nothing anyone could do for his injuries.
I got quiet and private for a few days, but
received a birthday wish from Ophelia on July twentieth and
laughed because I thought she was continuing the joke. A
few days ago, I finally could call Ophelia, and thirty
minutes into talking, I asked why she wished me a
happy birthday that day. She was shocked and mad and

(42:36):
told me that I never corrected her on the birthday
date exactly and that I was a horrible person who
manipulated her beliefs.

Speaker 3 (42:43):
Yeah, I don't think you should have done that, but
like sure.

Speaker 1 (42:46):
I apologized, repeatedly, saying that I never thought an innocent
joke would become so serious to her. I hung up,
saying that my overall well being was nowhere near dealing
with such stuff, and we do have a little bit
more story left.

Speaker 4 (43:00):
Know why we're still friends with her, or why we're
continuing these bits.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
It's nonsensical. Two nights ago, he messes me, saying I
was an a hole for bringing up my grief and
using it as an excuse to escape a conversation like that,
but she would forgive me. I once again apologized, but
she said that it wasn't about apologies. I don't know
what that means. That would have been a careless and
dorky joke within my family and other friends. I thought
it would be the same with Ophelia. I'm dealing with

(43:26):
too many things at the moment, not just grief. I'm
sick of dealing with Ophelia's drama. I don't care about
her or her drama anymore. I am fed up. Am
I the A hole? What am I supposed to do?

Speaker 3 (43:38):
You are the A hole to yourself? Stop being friends
with this girl? I'd like, that's insane, man.

Speaker 1 (43:47):
Yeah, that's yea. I agree, you're being the a hole
to yourself, and I'm sorry for all of the folks
out there who are unable to cut people off like this.
I don't know, man, it's that's unbelievable to me.

Speaker 8 (44:01):
I took off my engagement ring because my fiance never changed.

Speaker 1 (44:06):
So is that is?

Speaker 9 (44:07):
That?

Speaker 1 (44:07):
Is that? It? Yep? Is it over?

Speaker 8 (44:10):
I thirty female, have been with my fiance thirty mail
for twelve years Woo. We met in school, got engaged
two years ago, and have a five year old daughter together.
He's a kind man at heart, but he's a workaholic.
Over the past few years, he's become more and more
consumed by work, often staying up late, waking at three
am to work again, falling asleep on the sofa most nights.

(44:32):
I've asked for help repeatedly, but nothing changes. By the way,
this comes from Sunflower ninety five ninety five, and if
you want to submit your own stories, go to the
r slash Okay storytime separate it. So I work full time,
study in the evenings, exercise to manage stress, and I'm
the default parent. Every routine, every meltdown, every bedtime, every

(44:53):
household task.

Speaker 5 (44:55):
He promises to help and then just doesn't.

Speaker 8 (44:58):
Example, the other night he said he'd put our daughter
to bed At nine pint thirty. I found him snoring
while She watched cartoons on his phone after he gave
her chocolate before.

Speaker 1 (45:08):
Bed, so the antithesis of putting your child to bed.

Speaker 8 (45:11):
He kept her up. She was wired until ten thirty pm,
and I had to take over again. Last night I
broke down crying. He asked if I wanted to talk.
I said no, I was too exhausted to speak, and
he just went to sleep on the sofa again. I
came downstairs after studying, saw him still asleep. Dish is
not done like he promised he would do, and quietly

(45:31):
took off my engagement ring and left it on the table.
This morning, I got a long message from him. He says,
now truly he sees the damage, that he's been emotionally
shut down from his own trauma, that he's been in
a dark place and taking me for granted. He says
he'll go to therapy, change how he works, show up better,
and is asking for thirty days to prove himself. And

(45:55):
now I'm torn. Part of me wants to believe him.
It's everything I've wanted him to say months ago, but
another part of me feels like it's too late. I've
been holding it all together alone for too long. I'm tired, hurt,
and honestly unsure if I even wanted to try anymore.
So I read it. I need advice. Can people really

(46:15):
change after years of emotional absence? Has anyone tried a
trial period like this? Did it help or just delay
the inevitable? How do I protect myself and my daughter
emotionally if I do give him this time, I'm not
wearing the ring anymore. I haven't promised anything. I'm just
trying to figure out if there's anything left worth saving
or if I've already outgrown this version of us.

Speaker 5 (46:37):
Thanks for reading. Any insider experience.

Speaker 8 (46:39):
Is deeply appreciated, and there are some answers to questions,
what do you think.

Speaker 1 (46:45):
Do we so? Is it? They've been engaged for twelve years,
you've been together for.

Speaker 6 (46:49):
Twelve together for twelve years?

Speaker 1 (46:51):
For two I was gonna say, if y'all have been
engaged for twelve years, y'all aren't getting married.

Speaker 5 (46:56):
But that's not the case.

Speaker 1 (46:57):
But that's not the case, so the answers, Yeah, people
are always capable of change. I think the trope of
you can't teach an old dog new tricks is one
of the most damaging things to ever happen to society.

Speaker 8 (47:08):
I agree, you can cheat them. And also people aren't dogs.

Speaker 1 (47:12):
Yeah, people just aren't dogs. People. People's people's belief that
they can't change is what is what prevents them from changing.
I agree, so he can change. But also I don't know, man, you'
all need some therapy because this has been happening the
entire time and there's been no progress made on it,
and it's like, yas communication strategies are ineffective.

Speaker 5 (47:32):
Yeah, like, have we had therapy for this?

Speaker 8 (47:34):
Have we pursued any you know, any options to fix
your lack of communication on the subject, or has it
just been kind of quietly building resentment.

Speaker 1 (47:46):
I really don't like that. It feels like you taking
off the ring and leaving it on the table is
maybe the most communication that has been had, or like
the highest.

Speaker 8 (47:54):
Which is not necessarily true because it might have just
been like.

Speaker 1 (47:56):
Oh my god, the most, but what like the most
real sure where it was like you take your ring
off and it's like I'm done. Yeah, and I maybe
while we've been explaining this, it's never been like a
I don't know, I just if you've had a problem
for like a decade, yeah, and it's never gotten better.
It's like, yeah, both sides at that point, it's like

(48:18):
our art I think responsible for ineffective communication. Sure.

Speaker 8 (48:23):
Edit, thanks for all the responses so far. I just
wanted to answer a few common questions that keep coming up.
Does he work extra hours because we need the money? No,
we could live off my salary alone. We have everything
we need, a house with the low mortgage, no car payments,
and no major debts. His extra hours don't bring in
extra pay.

Speaker 5 (48:42):
He's salaried.

Speaker 8 (48:43):
He's a project manager at a large corporate firm and
is working toward yet another promotion. He's a yes man
at work, always over extending himself, even when it means
logging on in the middle of the night. He says
it's for the family, but truthfully, it's about career, ambition
and people pleasing. I helped him with his trauma. This
is the first time he's ever opened up about trauma.

(49:04):
I knew his childhood was a bit rough, but for
years he insisted it didn't affect him. Now suddenly it's
being named as a reason for his emotional disconnection. I'm
not minimizing it. I understand trauma is real, but until
now it was completely buried and.

Speaker 5 (49:19):
Never talked about.

Speaker 1 (49:20):
Yeah, that's how that goes.

Speaker 8 (49:22):
Yeah, but I understand what she's saying. It's like, Okay,
well now you're bringing it up because you don't have
another excuse.

Speaker 5 (49:28):
That probably is what she's feeling.

Speaker 1 (49:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 8 (49:31):
Have I brought this up before, Yes, over and over.
I've told him, clearly, calmly, even desperately, what I needed.

Speaker 1 (49:38):
Okay.

Speaker 8 (49:39):
He always says he's all being by working so hard,
and if he does the dishes or takes our daughter
to bed once in a while, he wants a medal.
He genuinely believes he's doing enough because his intentions are good.
But good intentions don't carry a household contact on my
life and career. I work in a law firm. It's
often very stressful, and I'm currently sitting my F one exams,

(50:00):
which are the Irish equivalent of the bar. I could
have qualified years ago, but I kept putting my own
career goals on the back burner to support his. Every
time he needed flexibility space late nights, I gave it.
I don't regret supporting him, but I do regret losing
myself in the process. Top comment says you told him
repeatedly that you were unhappy. He didn't take steps to

(50:22):
change until it impacted his potential happiness and comfort, leaving
the ring on the table? Was you saying too late,
I'm done and now he promises change? Where was all
this when you were begging for help? He doesn't listen
when you tell him there is a problem, not until
you make it his problem. Is this really the relationship
you want because it's the one you've got? And common

(50:43):
or two says thirty days isn't going to prove anything.
I mean, I agree, I don't think that you should
just give him the thirty days alone.

Speaker 5 (50:50):
I think it's like go to therapy.

Speaker 8 (50:52):
He can turn it on for thirty days, but that
doesn't mean it's going to last beyond that. What's thirty
days against? However, many years of this behavior from him.
Coalminer three honestly, emotional trauma therapy in thirty days don't
miss He saw the damage, just ignored it. Now he's
just sorry. You're putting your foot down. At least that's
what it looks like to me. Commentar four says, this

(51:12):
has been a problem for a long time. You've told
him about it multiple times. If he wanted to change,
he would have. He's said plenty of chances. He's only
talked about changing now because his inaction is about to
deliver consequences. It was never important until it was about
to affect him. It was never important to him. All
your requests and complaints and troubles were not important to him.

(51:34):
Think about that. This is nothing new. You didn't drop
a bomb on him with information he didn't have before
he knew it wasn't important to him. Don't listen to
the sounds coming out of his mouth. He can say
anything he wants if you want to stick it out
a little bit longer, watch his actions. Tell him what
you want, but don't lift a finger to help him
do it. You want him to go to therapy, then

(51:56):
he makes the appointments.

Speaker 5 (51:57):
And he goes.

Speaker 8 (51:58):
Or he doesn't want him to help around the house.
You can suggest basic directions, but then watch what he
chooses to do. The same with parenting. Let him know
when it's his turn, and then watch what he does.
If he really wants to change, he will step up.
Otherwise he will offer excuses. If he steps up, great,
Still watch because if the excuses come back, it must

(52:19):
not have been that important to him and if you're
honestly done, go ahead and be done. He could have
made these changes at any time. It wasn't important to him.
You don't have to stick around and there is an
update folks the next day. Any thoughts or should we
just jump right in?

Speaker 1 (52:37):
I hope he was lying about his drema.

Speaker 6 (52:40):
I hope so too.

Speaker 5 (52:42):
I hope so too.

Speaker 8 (52:43):
We were supposed to talk tonight, just one honest conversation
to see if there was anything left to save, But
he fell asleep, putting our daughter to bed, and never
came down, no message, no efforts. That moment confirmed what
I've been feeling deep down for a while. I've been
holding this relationship to the other alone, giving chances, getting
my hopes up, and being let down every single time.

(53:06):
To be fair, over the past two days, he did try.
He was suddenly being the partner I've been asking for.
He cleaned without being asked, made me coffee which he
rarely did, sent me long apologetic texts. He acknowledged how
much he's hurt me, and even told me he booked
the therapy session for Monday.

Speaker 5 (53:23):
But the truth is, I feel like it's too late.
It took me reaching my breaking point for him to react.

Speaker 8 (53:28):
And even now, when we finally had a chance to talk,
he fell asleep again. He'll wake up in our daughter's
bed and find the message I sent telling him that
I'm done. I mean, I do think that you should
have in person conversation with him about how you're done.
I think that at the very least, twelve twelve years
deserves a I can't do this anymore.

Speaker 1 (53:48):
This is looping back into my suspicions about the whole,
Like the ring being left on the table is maybe
the most I just think, crystal clear the communication's ever been.
I don't know, I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 8 (54:02):
I don't know if it's like a lack of communication
on her end, but I think it's like she's been done.
You know, he couldn't really do anything to prevent her
being done.

Speaker 5 (54:11):
I think that's where she's at.

Speaker 8 (54:12):
Yeah, Like she was like, yeah, I'll give him a chance,
but she was like, I'm already done.

Speaker 5 (54:16):
I don't even want to.

Speaker 8 (54:17):
Speak to him at this point, though I know I'll
have to for the sake of our daughter. I'm hurt, exhausted,
and emotionally checked out after twelve years to gather and
five of those raising a child. I've hit a point
where love is turned into resentment. I don't recognize us anymore.
I know this won't be easy, but I also know
it's necessary. I need peace, I need clarity, and I

(54:38):
need to stop trying to fix something that's been broken
for far too long. Palminer one says, I have had
this happen. Also, they do everything you've ever asked of
them when they know you're done.

Speaker 5 (54:47):
They think this helps.

Speaker 8 (54:48):
What they don't realize is it just pisses us off
even more, because now we know they knew what and
how to do what we ask for all along. They
just did not care until we're walking out the or
to f and late. Comino two says, spoiler alert, do
you want change? Comina three says, to be fair, Over
the past two days, he did try. He was suddenly

(55:09):
being the partner I've been asking for. He cleaned without
being asked, made me coffee, et cetera.

Speaker 6 (55:15):
Oh for two old days.

Speaker 1 (55:17):
No.

Speaker 8 (55:17):
Also, this means he was capable all along, but just
didn't want to do without what you will. And that
is the end of that story.

Speaker 1 (55:25):
Best. It's such an oversimplification, But I did you know
that we're all capable of being rocket scientists too, It's
just that we haven't done the work to be rocket scientists. Like,
I don't know, that doesn't make any sense to me.
It's like sometimes people have catalytic moments in their lives. Yes,
change them forever, Like the thought of losing your family

(55:46):
and your wife and your daughter could be like a,
oh my god, I do need to I absolutely change
everything about myself.

Speaker 5 (55:53):
Completely agree.

Speaker 8 (55:55):
But I also think that sometimes you get to that
point and you've already lost them.

Speaker 1 (55:59):
No, you're on the You're we're all the money. You
are on the money. Yeah, I do think if this
is if op is moving, like I'm actually feeling worse
now that he's doing this. It's like it's probably not
gonna get back without like a lot of therapy and
a lot of work and couples counseling, and it's like
it sounds like maybe he would need his own individual
stuff or whatever the ag went through, And it's like

(56:19):
I just don't know, maybe maybe maybe separation or like
if you got I don't know, Like it's just being
like if you can work on your stuff and maybe
make these improvements in your life just for you without
the bait of like doing this for me or daughter.
If you can just make these changes from the depths
of your soul, yeah, for no other reason than you

(56:42):
want to do it, m M, then maybe we can
get back together. But it's yeah, it's hard to move
forward from here, agreed, John.

Speaker 2 (56:50):
Here og host, we're gonna get back to these stories,
but a quick three minute break from house from our sponsors.

Speaker 7 (56:55):
I stopped paying for my ex's bills because her new
boyfriend moved in he can pay for them and trigger warning,
there's accusation.

Speaker 6 (57:04):
Of financial abuse in this story.

Speaker 7 (57:06):
So my ex and I split up about three years ago.
No bad feelings, We just drifted apart until we realized
that we were now co parents, not a husband and
wife anymore.

Speaker 1 (57:15):
Got it.

Speaker 6 (57:16):
We have two kids, thirteen and ten.

Speaker 7 (57:18):
My ex used to work as an infrastructure engineer and
I was working as an owner driver with my own truck.
By the way, this comes from Revolutionary Half one seventy
and if you want to submit your own stories, go
to the r slash Okay storytime step breddit. So at
around the time the kids were born, we decided that
she was going to be a stay at home mom.
The trucking was going well and I had bought a
second truck and a van, so I stayed home doing

(57:40):
all of the planning and admin while I had the
trucks and van out. When the smallest started school, the
ex wanted back to work part time, but her time
out of the workforce had hit her really hard and
she needed to learn lots of stuff and basically she
couldn't get back in at her previous level and had
to pretty much start over. Over the years, the Hallege
firm had expanded and frankly, it was getting a bit

(58:02):
of a pain in the butt.

Speaker 6 (58:03):
We were too.

Speaker 7 (58:04):
Big for where we were and we're needing to move
to a new yard. So I sold it off for
a reasonable sum and set up freelancing as a dev
did computer science at UNI. We both had relatives pass away,
leaving us property and money, so we were mortgage free
on the family home. When we split, I moved into
a house that I had inherited. We basically split the

(58:24):
assets in half, split the costs of the kids' activities
in half, and when we were sat looking at the
money as she concluded that she would need to go
back to work full time and she would miss time
with the kids as they were with me the three
days she was at work and every other weekend. I
felt a bit bad for that, because if she hadn't
been out of work for so long, then she would
be in a better place career wise. So I offered

(58:45):
to cover half of her bills until the kids went
off to UNI. She didn't want to at first, but
I said to her that she helped me out and
had now suffered as a result, so it was only
fair that I returned the favor. It's helping my kids out,
and I didn't want her to be running down the
savings that was essentially the kids inherited.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
I thinks so.

Speaker 5 (59:02):
Very very angel moved there.

Speaker 8 (59:03):
Yeah, very much, very rud like, not realistic, very like
sensible because it's, you know, we want to make sure
that the kids out.

Speaker 5 (59:11):
Like if if the mom.

Speaker 8 (59:13):
Is taking care of them, the kids are taking care
of it.

Speaker 7 (59:14):
I think that's yeah, right, especially if they like split
on good terms too, It's like that's good. So the
situation has worked out about as well as it can.
We co parented happily. Everything is all good. Until she
met a new guy. Yoh, he's someone we knew from
way back. But we lost touch with they started dating.
She's really happy and she's talking about him moving in,

(59:36):
which I'm okay with the kids get on with him,
and I trust her judgment and know that she wouldn't
put anything ahead of the kids. So I said to her,
if Lato is moving in, you won't need the money
towards the bills, will you, And she said no, she wouldn't,
but she was thinking of putting it into the kid's accounts.
Great idea, says me, I'll put some on their cards
for pocket money and the rest in their savings.

Speaker 6 (59:57):
So that was what we agreed.

Speaker 7 (59:59):
But when the new chap found out, he went up
the wall and accused me of being controlling and of
financial abuse.

Speaker 8 (01:00:07):
And then your ex said, no, no, no, you don't understand.

Speaker 6 (01:00:11):
You're wrong, right, hopefully right.

Speaker 7 (01:00:16):
A few of our friends have also said that he's
got a point in that it looks like jealousy. So
am I the ahle Here There are some edits and clarification.
We have joint fifty to fifty custody of the kids,
so I have no actual obligation to be paying anything.
But that said, I don't want my kids to miss
out on their many and varied activities, so I carry
on paying for half those. Likewise, I offered the extra

(01:00:38):
money to help with bills because I wanted my kids
to benefit from time with both parents, and also to
not have to live in a house where money is
a worry. Some have mentioned when a division of assets
from inheritance and selling my business, these are mostly locked
away in long term investments, so they aren't available. We
were perhaps unwise in doing this, but we saw it
as the kid's inheritance. My ex would rather have worked

(01:00:59):
more than dipped into that money for living costs. The
ex has been around for a cup of tea and
a chat. Seems that Latta was indeed thinking that she
was his meal ticket. Apparently he had suggested moving in
but not told her that his landlord was ending his
tendency on a section twenty one to sell the.

Speaker 5 (01:01:17):
Property because that she chose pretty poorly.

Speaker 7 (01:01:19):
Sounds like it if anyone knows what a section twenty
one is. By the way, it sounds like in the
are they in the UK?

Speaker 9 (01:01:26):
Probably the ladders are yeah, from little slanging that we're
getting here there, so the really quick yeah, I think
you kind of ignore what everyone's saying.

Speaker 8 (01:01:38):
For sure, unless your wife comes to you and says,
hey I need all right, sorry, your ex comes to
you and says, hey I need help. Yeah, really, it
doesn't matter what he thinks. Yeah, and you could just say, hey,
I don't really want to talk to your new partner,
right like he kind of has no say so yeah.

Speaker 6 (01:01:54):
Yeah, exactly, this is a decision between me and.

Speaker 5 (01:01:57):
You our kids.

Speaker 8 (01:01:59):
Yeah, you're with him, I'm not with him, So why
is he talking trying to talk to me?

Speaker 1 (01:02:04):
Right? Well?

Speaker 7 (01:02:04):
I guess it's weird though, because I mean, I guess
it kind of does involve him, because the reason Opie
is saying like, oh, like I don't need to pay
right anymore, because like your new guy is moving in
right like he should be paying the rent should be
So it's.

Speaker 6 (01:02:19):
Like it's like, I guess it kind of involves him.

Speaker 7 (01:02:22):
And there it's like technically you could say it's making
a decision that the other guy's paying rent, but at
the same time that's expected.

Speaker 8 (01:02:29):
It's expected, I think, I think. But my point is
like the wife should not be talking to him. Well,
I don't even know how this guy's talking to op Yeah,
I just think that he like if it's one if
it's him talking to OPI directly cut that off. Yeah,
don't talk to him for sure. If it's the wife
talking about what this guy's saying to Op, then I

(01:02:50):
would just say, hey, like that's your relationship. If you
need help, we can talk about that for the kids,
but like, that's kind of your relationship.

Speaker 6 (01:03:00):
Yeah, totally.

Speaker 7 (01:03:01):
When she started discussing money in his contribution, he asked
why when I was paying for the kids.

Speaker 6 (01:03:06):
So she told him that if he was.

Speaker 7 (01:03:08):
Living there, he needed to chip in, and that if
he moved in, she couldn't keep asking for money from me.
So she's upset, and I think that that's going to
be over. In the meantime, he's ranting to anyone that
will listen that I'm the typical evil, jealous ex and
controlling her with money.

Speaker 6 (01:03:24):
There are some comments.

Speaker 7 (01:03:26):
Comment number one says, not the a hole looks like
he was interested in the free ride, and now that
the gravy train has stopped, he's all upset. Your ex
has no issues with the money stopping because she isn't
interested in taking advantage of you, and two adults living
together should be able to cover their own expenses. But
new boyfriend doesn't want that, sure.

Speaker 6 (01:03:44):
Comment number two says.

Speaker 5 (01:03:45):
Not the a hole.

Speaker 7 (01:03:45):
Tell anyone moaning that you pay child sport for your children,
not grown men looking for a free ride. He'll already
be saving in rent as the house is paid for.
Is he really looking for his bills and groceries to
be paid for by you?

Speaker 6 (01:03:57):
Two?

Speaker 7 (01:03:57):
If someone moves into another's home, they can tru to
living there. That being said, contribute to not pay half
as your kids are eating the food and running up
the utility bills. On to the update. Thanks for all
the comments and advice. Just thought I would update you
all on last week. So Laddo turned out to have
being punted out of his place, not through fault, the

(01:04:18):
landlord was selling okay, gotcha.

Speaker 6 (01:04:20):
He hadn't told my ex.

Speaker 7 (01:04:21):
Also, he works with my best mate, who told me
that he's on incredibly thin ice and was on his
last chance for attendance me. The ex, and Laddo got
together at that weekend and had a long chated. The
main points were if he's going to be her partner
and live there, then he has to set up and
contribute both financially and also with the children.

Speaker 6 (01:04:40):
As regards to the bills.

Speaker 7 (01:04:41):
Both my ex and I had an expectation that another
adult in the house would be contributing, meaning that bill
money from me would be superfluous. I agreed that stopping
the money because someone moves in and potentially restarting it
if they move out does look like it's controlling. Although
it was agreed that I didn't have that attend, I
said that I would continue giving my ex the money
and that if it was surplus two requirements that she

(01:05:05):
would put it in the kids accounts. I do trust
her that she would do this. At that point, I
left and went home, thinking that all was good. I'm
on holiday with the kids this week, and I got
a warning that the house alarm was going off.

Speaker 5 (01:05:17):
Oh.

Speaker 7 (01:05:17):
I rang my neighbor and he went around and said
that one of the windows had been smashed, and that
my other car had had all of its windows smash.

Speaker 5 (01:05:26):
No, did that the guy do it?

Speaker 6 (01:05:29):
For sure?

Speaker 1 (01:05:30):
Oh?

Speaker 6 (01:05:31):
No, sure no, Oh, my gosh, Dad.

Speaker 7 (01:05:36):
I logged into my cameras on the iPad, and sure
enough it's Laddo smashing the bad though, smashing the fa
and throwing bricks at the.

Speaker 6 (01:05:48):
Window, throwing bricks at me window.

Speaker 8 (01:05:51):
Wait, that's crazy, and ring ring ring police. Yeah, my
ex chose a horrible guy.

Speaker 5 (01:05:58):
Literally.

Speaker 7 (01:05:59):
I I'm glad that the kids were with op and
they were not home, because that's terrifying. Turns out, the
after I left him in, the ex had a major
talk where she laid out some home truths and expectations,
and when she didn't like the reaction she got, she ended.

Speaker 6 (01:06:14):
It nice good.

Speaker 7 (01:06:16):
So a couple of days later he got pissed and
came around to my place and smashed it up.

Speaker 5 (01:06:21):
I obviously reported.

Speaker 7 (01:06:22):
It to the police, and with me being away, they
smoked me over the phone and asked me to send
all the footage if I could in a statement and
they would speak to him that day.

Speaker 6 (01:06:30):
Turns out he got stopped on the way back from
my house.

Speaker 7 (01:06:33):
He was over the limit and was sleeping it off
in custody before he could be charged.

Speaker 6 (01:06:38):
Wow, I think, well, all's well, that ends well, I guess.

Speaker 8 (01:06:43):
So, I mean, get him arrested and get him out.

Speaker 7 (01:06:46):
Yeah, sucks that you have to deal with broken stuff now,
and yeah, through that whole process, but at least this
annoying X is getting exactly what is coming to.

Speaker 8 (01:06:54):
Yeah, I mean you can always take him to court,
get him to pay for those damages.

Speaker 6 (01:06:59):
Right, there's a little bit more to the story. There's
a bit of an edit.

Speaker 7 (01:07:02):
I've seen a couple of comments about how I need
to speak to the X and tell them to be
more careful. I one hundred percent trust her judgment who
comes into the kids' lives. I was just as surprised
by him as she was, and like most people, she's
capable of learning from experience. Also another edit, the glaciers
have been back out. I owe the lady next door
big Style for all the help that she's been And

(01:07:24):
apparently the total bill just for the house is going
to be about seven thousand pounds. That's not counting the car,
which is an old Rover I was restoring, so no
idea how much that will cost. There are some comments comming.
Number one says some people just can't help themselves from
self sabotaging. Opie says, I've got some sympathy to a
certain extent because he suffers really badly with PTSD from

(01:07:45):
when he was in Iraq for Optelic. But I was
there too, and it's like, dude, we're all suffering, but
you have to do something to help yourself. And he
never has crazy lore right there.

Speaker 8 (01:07:54):
Yeah, Opie's like, I don't care, dude, I was there, dude.

Speaker 6 (01:07:57):
Yeah, I've got PTSD too, just like every know.

Speaker 1 (01:08:01):
Just like yeah everyone.

Speaker 5 (01:08:02):
Else, you know what I do.

Speaker 7 (01:08:03):
Don't get up, dang, someone else responds, I still think
he did you a favor by showing who he was
so completely. Like seven k hopefully less post insurance is
a lot, but it's pennies compared to what someone like
this could manage after a couple of years. Seems like
the type to drain the kids savings accounts, take whatever
money or stuff he can, and be a massive pain

(01:08:24):
in the butt to get to leave. Once he was settled,
then that is the end of that story.

Speaker 1 (01:08:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (01:08:29):
I don't believe in karma, but I do believe that
if someone is a bad person, they'll eventually do something
stupid like this and then face the concert.

Speaker 8 (01:08:37):
It'll just I mean, if you're a bad person, yeah,
and you're bad to enough people, yeah, one of them
has got to sock you in the face, exactly, and
like I mean that metaphorically and also truthfully, it's just
like law of I don't know Murphy's law.

Speaker 5 (01:08:52):
It's not Murphy's law. That's just like that doesn't really
apply there, but.

Speaker 8 (01:08:56):
Is the law of the traction? Traged the bad stuff,
but being bad there you go. Exactly, you need to
get socked in the face, exactly.

Speaker 1 (01:09:04):
Yeah,

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