My girlfriend can’t stay loyal when she drinks… I’m done with her! - r/relationshps | Reddit Stories - ok storytime

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is John, this is Sam, your og Okay Storytime
podcast hosts. We have some spectacular stories coming up, but
real quick, we get a two minute break from our
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Speaker 2 (00:12):
My girlfriend fools around with other men when under the influence.
I'm done with her. Oh what a fool she is.
So I've been with my girlfriend for three years now
and it's been going great until recently. My girlfriend has
never had a boyfriend before me, because she was raised
in a really strict Catholic family, only daughter, with loads
of cousins, aunts and uncles. And I've never been in

(00:33):
a relationship before her either. We both lost our virginity
with each other in many things in our lives, not
just spicy sleep. She's pretty successful, educated, and down to earth.
These are things that got me to fall for her
in the first place. By the way, this comes from
Sean sal and if you want to spit your own stories,
go to the r slash Okay. Storytime suppered it naturally.
She's very easy going and talks and laughs with anyone

(00:54):
she meets or knows already. She has a lot of
guy friends, though, which doesn't bother me because they're awesome. Dude,
and when we go to parties together, we don't stick
to each other the whole time and like to do
our own thing, meeting once in a while, et cetera.
I've noticed that when we party, whether it's at someone's house,
at a bar, lounge, club, whatever, that she gets extra
touchy feely with the guys around her. I've never been

(01:16):
suspicious of her doing anything, though, because we both love
each other so much. She's even easily admitted to the
fact that she gets way more social and generally kind
to guys around her when she's buzzed. Two days ago,
we go to her friend's college party and I go
hang out with the fellows across the room while she
catches up with their buddies. An hour into the party
and I can't really find my girlfriend, so I walk

(01:38):
around a bit to see where she is, but no luck.
I ask around, but nobody knows. I become a bit suspicious,
so without asking for permission, I check my friend's room,
and when I open the door, I see my girlfriend
on her buddy's lap and he's kissing her neck. Oh
my gosh. When I saw that, I just froze like

(01:59):
an effing iceberg. Unable to move, but adrenaline started to
pump through my body so fast. They didn't notice that
I came in because the music was loud already. But
she was loving every moment of him kissing her, to
the point where I think she was into it. I
can't fa believe this crap, and with the guy that
I thought was one.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
Of her really cool friends.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
What they I don't know what to do, so I
just turned around and walked as far as possible. I
threw my phone somewhere in the house before I left,
but I remember I walked almost fifty plus miles that night.
It was about five am the morning when I finally
became conscious enough to realize I was in the middle
of ething nowhere, So I went to the nearest cast
station and asked the registered guy to help me call

(02:37):
my friend. Once my friend picked me up, I asked
him if I could sleep in his garage for the
next few days, because my girlfriend knows my family well
and they would defend her, so I.

Speaker 1 (02:46):
Didn't want to go home.

Speaker 2 (02:47):
I don't have my phone anymore, I have the clothes
that are on me, my wallets, I haven't checked my
Facebook or Instagram, and I've asked that my friend not
let anyone know I'm here at his house. I am
so incredibly mad and the adrenaline hasn't stopped pumping. But
I can't speak much. My hands are shaking uncontrollably hard
to type all of this. My chest and throat hurt,
my eyes can't rest, and my mind won't stop racing.

(03:10):
I hate her and everyone she knows. I hate everyone
in this world. I can't believe what I saw. I
don't even want to imagine it. I'm going to be
running out of cash soon, and I can't stay at
my friend's house forever. So what theack do I do?
I just want to calm down, but I can't. Someone
help me, please.

Speaker 1 (03:26):
Edit.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
I asked my friend Ash to go and get my
cell phone back. He said he's read a lot of
Facebook status updates asking where I am and that they're
looking for me actively. She hasn't been the poster though,
only her friends. I wonder if she knows I caught her.
I don't know how to move forward from here. I
want to thank you all for your support so far.
I will update as much as I can. Thank you

(03:47):
for listening. Edit to hey everyone, thank you all for
your replies. My friend went over to the house where
the party was to try and get my phone back,
but wasn't able to because he said nobody knew where
it was. I've called my mom and talked to her
about the situation. Said she got a call from her
that night sobbing and crying because her and the entire
house has been looking for me for hours. When my
mom asked her what happened, she confessed that she was

(04:09):
with another guy that night and that might have been why.
No wayhing, crap.

Speaker 1 (04:14):
No way.

Speaker 3 (04:16):
I really want to know what the mom's reaction was.

Speaker 1 (04:18):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (04:19):
My parents called a bunch of my friends, and I
guess they spoke with Ash's parents, who told them that
I was in their house sleeping over. My mom said
they were going to come pick me up, but she
came over gave my parents my phone and keys to
my car, apologizing and begging for forgiveness and asking them
to help find me. My mom told her that I
was sensible enough to take care of myself and that
I would come home when I felt better. I also

(04:40):
called my workplace and told them about my situation, and
thankfully my boss understood. They were going to let me
go because of the three day no call, no show policy.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
You were gone for three days, dang man.

Speaker 2 (04:51):
But thankfully my boss gave me a week off to recuperate.
So that's pretty much the update for now.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
Super nice.

Speaker 2 (04:57):
A bunch of people have texted my friend Ash, affecting
that I'm a his house because he's my best friend.
I can't believe he's been so cool and supportive of
me so far. As far as my relationship goes. I'm
fueled with hate for her, but I just want to
get it over already. I feel physically exhausted, like my
muscles are sore from a marathon. I'm guessing these are
the symptoms that everyone feels when they got cheated on.

(05:18):
I'm planning on going home today, so I'll update if necessary. Again,
thanks everyone, and there is an update.

Speaker 1 (05:25):
I add.

Speaker 2 (05:26):
A lot of people message me asking for an update,
so here it goes. After living in Ash's house, I
finally went back home and had a long conversation with
my parents. My dad pretty much said that I was
a dumb kid who decided to take the worst route
after catching my girlfriend cheating on me by running away.
My mom was mad at me too, but she understood.
I guess ah boo, parents boo. Either way, we all

(05:46):
agreed that I was the one who was wronged and
not the other way around. And they also told me
that a bunch of people who they'd never met had
come to our house, so I'm guessing it was a
bunch of her friends. A day after I got home,
she called my house phone, and I was dumb to
pick up. She immediately started crying and mumbling a bunch
of gibberish. Honestly, I wasn't even listening. I can't tell
you what she said, but I did hear her say

(06:09):
she was sorry a few dozen times. She begged me
if she could come talk to me in person, but
I told her no. I hung up the phone when
she started to sound like she was about to justify.

Speaker 1 (06:19):
What she did.

Speaker 2 (06:19):
And after an hour of me sitting on my computer
chair angry like I was the night I caught her,
she drove to my house and started knocking on my door.
I didn't open the door at first and kept telling
her to f off, but she just kept crying and
begging to see me. I called my mom, but of
course she doesn't pick up the phone, so I opened
the door, and she.

Speaker 1 (06:36):
Tries to hug me.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
I just kept walking away from her when she got
near me, but she fell on her knees at one point,
but I just didn't care. I told her to go
home and I would come to her house tonight to talk.
After another half an hour of trying to confirm what
I said, she finally left. You know that feeling when
you touch something dirty or nasty and your body does
a quick shake of disgust, Yeah, that's what I felt.
I went to see my mom's psychiatrist a few my

(07:00):
away from our house and asked him to see me
as an emergency, which he did, and I'm glad because
we've known him for years.

Speaker 1 (07:06):
That's good.

Speaker 2 (07:06):
I told him everything and how my body and mind
are in panic mode, how I'm nauseous all the time
and I can't sleep. He prescribed some medicine called diazepam
and said to take it when I get those feelings.
I took one ride after I got them from the pharmacy,
and that crap felt so dang good. I've never done
substances and I don't drink, but man, does this give
you a great high?

Speaker 3 (07:27):
Oh boy, that's the perfect solution to.

Speaker 2 (07:29):
Be careful with that.

Speaker 1 (07:30):
Ope, yeah, be careful, oh man.

Speaker 2 (07:33):
Anyway, since I just took some of that medicine, I
thought it would be a great time to go visit
her at her house, like I said. When I got there,
I texted her to just meet me outside because I
didn't want to see her parents. I felt ashamed. She
walks outside wearing her usual house attire, and she looked cute,
but dang, I hate her so much. I felt more
open than I ever did, though, so I started telling
her just how I felt, and as soon as I did,

(07:55):
she started crying again. She hugged me this time, and
while I didn't put my arms, I didn't stop her either.
It didn't feel good. Long story short, she used booze
as an excuse, just like everyone in my previous threads
said she would. It's a good thing I read everyone's comments, though,
because I remembered a few good points to make everything
I said.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
She just responded with, I know, I'm sorry. Please, I
won't ever do that again.

Speaker 2 (08:19):
I want to believe her, but I never want to
touch her body again because I feel like the other
guy has stained her forever.

Speaker 1 (08:25):
I told her this, and she just kept.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
Crying even more. I could see her parents listening in
and watching us from her house door, so I just
told her to go back inside and remind herself just
how much she's broken my heart, and then I left.
So that's it. She's been texting me NonStop and trying
to FaceTime me here and there, but I just blocked
her number. Recently, her lemmings tried to text me to
unblock her, but I just block them to. My parents

(08:48):
think I'm still going at it the wrong way, and
my mom is especially angry that I didn't consult her
about getting medicine for all this, because I guess that's
psychiatrists of Ours rights prescriptions out like candy on Halloween.
I've read up a bit about the medicine and I
think it's doing me some good right now. Plus I
won't let myself take it after I've gotten used to
the entire ordeal. I ended up leaving my current job

(09:09):
because well, I don't know. I was dumb enough to
say that I couldn't work there anymore because I was
just too depressed. Ash told me that his dad could
get me a stable job at his plumbing company in
a bit, though, so I think I'm going to take
him up on that offer and just learn to do
that stuff. I get to work with Ash and his dad,
so that's a relief. This is it so far. I'm
sorry if this was anti climactic or not what some
people expected. She's still trying to contact me, I know it,

(09:32):
so I can update this thread if anything happens. Thanks
everyone for responding to my stuff though. It actually really
helped me calm down and think about some stuff.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (09:40):
Edit So, after reading all the comments about diazepam, I
tossed that crap out good. I'd rather not get addicted
and have to deal with passing away from withdrawals. I
admit that the way I went about doing things was
pretty stupid now, so my dad was right. The only
excuse I have is that my whole reaction was like
an involuntary muscle movement, because I can't remember being already
conscious about my actions. It's hard to type what I

(10:03):
just did because and then she can use the same
excuse and say the same thing about her drinking and
being with that guy. It's starting to make me think
maybe she really wasn't in control of her actions. I
don't know, or she was in complete control, and so
was I, which means we both made the decision to
be stupid. Either way, I can't see it as anything
other than her cheating on me as far as our
relationship goes, I won't be as naive next time.

Speaker 3 (10:24):
Though, No, no.

Speaker 2 (10:26):
No, I think she would have said, if something had
happened that wasn't consensual, I think she would have said,
that doesn't seem like that is the case at all.

Speaker 3 (10:33):
Exactly, it's still cheating, even if she was drunk. My
wife's illness ruined our relationship. I can't take it any more. Literally,
just get better. There's a trigger warning. This talks about
mental illness, so that in mind. We have been married
for seven years and together in total for fourteen. Before
we got married, my wife exhibited some anxiety and unusual behavior,

(10:55):
stressed and a little paranoid about certain things. I had
literally no experience in this and attributed it to her
stressful job that she often talked about. We got married,
and I naively thought that that security would help all
some of her fears. She left that job with mine
and her family's blessing and encouragement shortly after we married.

Speaker 1 (11:12):
By the way, this.

Speaker 3 (11:13):
Comes from Ovolov, and if you want to submit your
own stories, go to the our suchh Okay storytime subreddit.
So this steadily got worse, and around eighteen months later
she was sectioned and spent three weeks in the hospital.
She had been delusional, having hallucinations, and was paranoid and
suffering from persecutory thoughts. I'd discovered a letter from a
solicitor demanding money and found out that she had been

(11:35):
overspending and had gotten herself into debt. The medical aftercare
post release was non existent, and she soon stopped taking
her medication. We struggled on for a couple of years
until she had another crisis. She was put under the
care of the crisis team, who were great. She started
meds again and saw a therapist and psychiatrist. She was
extremely anxious at this time and is scared of me.

(11:56):
Her voices told her that I was against her, et cetera.
So to try to alleviate the immediate stress, her care
team suggested that I stayed in our spare room to
give each other space, which I happily did to try
to make things easier. As time went on, things calmed
down and we returned to some semblance of normality, but
we had gotten into a routine, and I stayed in

(12:16):
the spare room. I didn't want to pressure her and
potentially derail her recovery. She was unable to work, which
is fine, completely understandable, so we were on one income.
But she got into financial trouble again, but this time
on my debit and credit cards. I knew it was happening,
but it was powerless to stop it. Then one day
she announced that she was stopping taking her medication and
would no longer see her care team. She had not

(12:38):
fully recovered within and within weeks I saw her symptoms returning, delusions, hallucinations,
et cetera, all the same things from her original psychosis diagnosis.
We kept up appearances and plodded on until I found
moreover spending. I tried again to put a stop to it,
but she got extremely angry and hit me. Her illness
took over and she accused me of forging bank statements,

(12:59):
colluding with bank, lying, and committing fraud, et cetera. That
completely knocks me back into my shell, and I was
unable to stop her spending until the money literally ran out.

Speaker 1 (13:09):
Oh gosh.

Speaker 3 (13:10):
When that happened, she was surprised, denied any responsibility and
accused me of spending it all. I have now finally
managed to largely rain her spending in by denying her
access to my cards, but it's been incredibly stressful, as
I've had to borrow from my family and the bank
to cover it. So another eighteen odd months later, and
here we are. She still has her symptoms. We're still
in separate rooms. He's understandably unable to work. We have

(13:32):
managed to talk about things a couple of times, and
she point blank refuses to go back to the doctor
or start taking medication. She refuses to go to couples
counseling with me. We've both said that it can't carry
on like this. I feel after five years of this,
I can't take much more. We would have liked to
start a family, but that's impossible now. Our lives are
wasting away, stuck in this rut. We had a serious

(13:53):
talk about a month ago where we all but separated,
but then she kind of rode back on the idea.
I still love her, and I know none of this
this is her fault. I know no one chooses to
be ill, and I know it's worse for her than me.
I worry how she'd cope if we split. Her parents
are nearby, but she's pushed them away over the last
few years, but they would absolutely support her. And I
feel terrible about potentially not abiding by my marriage vows.

(14:15):
She has no friends at all and has alienated her
extended family with some behavior related to her illness. I'm
not even sure that she totally understands the rumifications of separating.
She said that she would stay in the house, but
she has no means of paying the bills. Her parents
are comfortable, but I don't think they could buy me out,
and they couldn't fund her indefinitely. Neither of us are
doing the other. EDNY favors prolonging this as it is.

(14:37):
I feel so guilty and responsible. I often wonder what
it is about me that may have made her feel
like this. I don't want to split, but staying like
this is untenable. I can't force her to get help,
and I don't want another five years to pass with
no improvement in the best years of my and her life.

Speaker 1 (14:52):
God, I don't know what to do for the best.

Speaker 3 (14:55):
I'm sorry this is so long, and there is an update,
but oh my goodness, gracious, that is a whole lot
to deal with.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
Yeah, this is really really tough.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
This isn't like she has not This is not an a.

Speaker 2 (15:08):
Whole situation, right, to be clear, this is a person
who is going through clear mental health problems like psychosis. However,
you have to worry about your own mental health. She
has the option to take medication to get help, to
go to therapy. She has made the decision to refuse that,

(15:28):
and I feel like if she's not gonna do that,
then this relationship is you can't stay in it.

Speaker 3 (15:33):
Yeah, I mean you both know that it can't carry
on like this, and it kind just sucks that she
doesn't really realize that she can do something to help
with it.

Speaker 1 (15:41):
Very very difficult. But we do have an update.

Speaker 3 (15:43):
Last night she felt unwell, how to rash and had
a bad nightmare, which prompted her to call non emergency
medical services in the morning. They sent out paramedics this
morning to talk to her. I didn't know that they
were coming. I heard people knock the door and then
heard them talking to her, so I worked out what
was going on. I had been upstairs on the phone
with my family. I could hear most of what was
being said and was keen to hear their take on

(16:04):
the situation in whether they would want to take my
wife for psychological assessment. She had been sectioned and detained before.
At that stage, I didn't want to interrupt the conversation.
It was clear that the conversation was more about mental
health than the physical sickness and rash. I heard my
wife recounting the bullying circumstances which led her to leaving
her job and her mental breakdowns six years ago. During
that conversation, I heard her say that she'd had a

(16:26):
work romance with the manager from her office back then,
and that she had spent the night with him twice.
This would have been before we were married, and whilst
we had previously been temporarily separated during a break but
she never told me any of this. I made sure
that I had heard and understood properly and went downstairs
to discuss Paramedics were still there. I didn't want her
to be able to outright deny what she'd said. They

(16:47):
basically said that she should see her gp to discuss
options about treatment from her mental illness. It was awkward
for them, so they finished the consultation as it were
and left. I asked my wife what had happened, and
repeated her own words too. She said she'd had a
crush and that had developed and he acted on it
when she went to his hotel room. Apparently he subsequently

(17:07):
denied it. He was Slash is married with kids. She
said that she didn't really want to do it, but did,
but it was consensual. It transpires her parents knew and
also kept it from me. She then said that she
thought that it happened, but is not one hundred percent
sure because her mental illness means that she has very
real seeming delusions. She has previously said things about me

(17:29):
and her family that were not true. This was apparently
also while we were separated, but she seemed to say
that it was building during the time that we were together.
So whether she physically cheated is moot. Certain emotional cheating though,
There's a little bit more to the story. But Ah,
hopefully like he's just coming on here to bet because
I don't know what to say to him.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
I mean, I think, op, just you need to know
that you leaving her does not make you the a hole.
It does not mean that you are you know, failing
her in some way. Yeah, just it means that you're
not equipped to take care of this woman, and that's okay, Yeah,
that's okay.

Speaker 3 (18:03):
Yeah, yeah, because that does really really suck. Like you
were saying before, Yeah, look out for yourself. It sucks
when people that you love are going through things like this.
But at the end of the day, if you are
ultimately being dragged down by it and you've tried all
that you can, then you know it's it's not going
to change, really, so you got to do its best
for yourself. But there is a little bit more into

(18:24):
the story. When we got back together after our temporary separation,
I had moved out, we both said that we had
been faithful during that period. Conveniently, she doesn't remember that conversation.
It was all calm. I said that I had at
right to know back in twenty ten, and she let
me propose in twenty eleven and marry her in twenty twelve,
all the while I didn't know. We said that we

(18:45):
can't carry on and that she would talk to her
parents about buying me out of half of the house.
She asked if we could live together in a civil
way during this period. I said I couldn't afford to
rent and pay the mortgage and bills, so we'll have
to She said that I should contact a lawyer to
talk about the divorce. She said that she was sorry
her mental health has caused all of these problems, and
she wanted me to be able to get on with

(19:06):
my life. I felt sad for her when she said that.
So this stage of it has come to an end. Finally,
I feel strangely calm. It's not really a surprise. Although
I didn't really expect infidelity, it feels surreal. I still
love her, I love this house, but this is for
the best. I think it's not been working for years,
and the problems we face have been insurmountable. I'm finally defeated.

(19:27):
I just hope the separation can be amicable and fair.
Thanks for reading. And that is the end of that story.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (19:33):
Wow, that's so heartbreaking that she she knows that her
mental health is getting in the way, yet she struggles
to find help for it or.

Speaker 1 (19:40):
To endless people help her.

Speaker 2 (19:43):
It's so difficult because like, medication can change how you
experience life in negative ways too, Like you, like, I
know a lot of people who go on you know,
medicine or medication for ADHD. They some of them talk
about how like amazing it is that they can they're
able to do you know, their tasks and stuff. But

(20:03):
also there's a lot of changes that come from it emotionally,
so you know, I'm sure she's experiencing a lot of that.

Speaker 3 (20:10):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (20:12):
In your my wife lied about going to a bar,
but my sister.

Speaker 1 (20:16):
In law told me the truth.

Speaker 2 (20:18):
Ah, the truth shall be revealed. My wife, twenty eight
female white, and myself thirty male white, have been married
for one point seven five years, very specific.

Speaker 1 (20:29):
It's weird.

Speaker 3 (20:30):
I've never heard that before.

Speaker 2 (20:31):
Great, and we're together for one point five years before that,
for a total of roughly three years. It sounds like
someone that has had to defend how quick they've gotten married. Yeah,
they're like, okay, one point yeah we were, you know,
it was it.

Speaker 3 (20:45):
I'm actually like five foot seven and three quarters.

Speaker 1 (20:49):
Yeah. Actually we got.

Speaker 2 (20:50):
Married shortly before our son arrived a year and a half.
By the way, this comes from my failing marriage. And
if you want to spent your own stories, go to
the r slash. Okay, story time, supparate it everything. It
was great between us, I know, and regret how rush
things went until my son arrived. My wife got it
with postpartum hard and treated me terribly for about seven
months until I finally broke. She was passive, aggressive and

(21:14):
meaning and berated me for any and every little thing.
I truly am a great and experienced at first father.
I have done everything for my child and wife. Our
child shows signs of being bipolar, but she was great
again after getting prescribed all OFT and we got along great.
She's had several incidents where she stops taking it, gets
passive aggressive and treats me terrible. She's now unmedicated again.

(21:36):
We work mostly opposite schedules and don't get as much
time together as we should. She's very controlling and I
need to consult her anytime I need to do something.
I usually only go to work and come right home.
When she's working, I'm all alone with our son. She
works nights Fridays Saturday nights, so she sleeps all weekend
on the nights I'm off. She goes to the bars
with coworkers every weekend after work, and I let it

(21:59):
happen so she can have a breather and adult time.
We have a pretty humor based relationship, and sometimes it's
even at the other's expense. And we have been okay
with that over the past two months. She keeps joking
about her black slam piece. That's fine, whatever, but she
keeps on about it, and it's way past the point
of being funny. Tuesday night, she was very mad at
her mother about something. I didn't come right home after

(22:20):
work because I had to run an errand about an
hour later than usual. She took this opportunity to claim
I came home in a bad mood and berated me.
She picked up some overtime planned for that night seven
pm to twelve pm. In her anger, beyond our joking
and in a serious tone, she said, I.

Speaker 1 (22:37):
Don't want to go to work.

Speaker 2 (22:38):
I just want to go get with dead and get
me some I'm tired of being a daughter, a mom,
and a wife. That hurts a lot, and it got
me thinking even more all the next day. Two days later, Thursday,
she had more land over time from seven pm to
twelve am. My sister in law is living with us
because she is down on her luck and in remission
from ovarian cancer.

Speaker 1 (22:56):
Oh we got along great.

Speaker 2 (22:58):
My wife crawled into my my sister in law's bed
at three thirty am after her shift, smelling like booze
and said she went out drinking with Dwight. Dwight is
a black security guard at her work. I only mentioned
race because she always jokes about having a black side piece.

Speaker 1 (23:15):
Slam piece is a slam peace.

Speaker 3 (23:17):
People in the chat were saying, slam piece can mean
like like an a fair partner, like a side chick
kind of thing, like a side man.

Speaker 2 (23:22):
Her shift ended at twelve bars close at two am,
and she has a forty five minute drive home. The
timeline is even more sketchy. My sister in law told
me about this after my wife left for work Friday night,
because she felt like I should know. My wife and
I would not have seen each other until Sunday night
tomorrow due to work schedules. I couldn't handle wondering all weekends,
so I went to talk to her at work that night.

(23:44):
I calmly confronted her about coming home late, smelling of booze,
and that she never even told me. She admitted she
went to the bar with delight and at two adult sodas.
I explained how wrong and sketchy it was to me,
especially after her comments, she calmly denied cheating on me.
Ask her again to swear on our son's life. This
caught her off guard, and after five seconds she did.

(24:05):
She went on to tell me how she's been unhappy
for months with me and questions divorce. She's checked out
on being a mom and a wife. She doesn't do
anything around the house but play on Facebook all day
and ignore our son beyond the required stuff. We don't
argue much, but she's usually on a hair trigger snap
it about everyone else for no reason to make things worse.
She texted me earlier that day saying she was eight

(24:28):
days late for her period. Two pregnancy tests came up inconclusive.
We've had spicy sleep one time in the past month.
No birth control in any way, shape or form. It
makes me wonder if she's pregnant and is it even mine?
If so so, Here I sit on the verge of divorce.
I feel my trust is destroyed and I can't move

(24:48):
past that. She'd flip her crap if I was with
a woman while drinking at night, and I wouldn't do it.
Please help validate or argue my feelings of being wronged
and doubting my wife. My trust is destroyed and we
may have a baby coming. Neither of us will handle well.
I feel divorce is coming soon because we both consider it.
What should I do? Delete Facebook if the gym lawyer up.
See how things go with potential new baby. I love

(25:11):
the son we have and I know I'll get at
least partial custody. We both have good jobs and no
sketchy records to tie us up in court. Thanks so
much in advance, and there is an update, folks. My
wife denied all cheating and such on the Friday night
I confronted her at work. We both worked all weekend
and did not see each other because of it until
Sunday night. We spoke a few times and things seemed okay.

(25:31):
We were both off the Monday after and she pulled
me into our room away from my sister in law
to admit she cheated. That was a quick turnaround. She's
been cheating on me with a forty seven year old
coworker has a daughter only four years younger than my wife.
She claimed this happened one time and was the night
she was mad at her mom and took it out
on me.

Speaker 1 (25:50):
She claimed she.

Speaker 2 (25:51):
Did nothing spicy related the night she came home late
and crawled into bed with my sister in law. She's
sent seen him a few times. She's shown very little remorse,
both when she told me and the week's prior. I
consulted with two divorce lawyers within the few days after
she told me, but did not disclose this fact immediately.
We had a talk and mutually agreed on an uncontested divorce,

(26:11):
something I was going to file for anyway.

Speaker 1 (26:13):
This is in the works and.

Speaker 2 (26:14):
We have come to terms on property, debt, child care,
et cetera. She'll get the house and we will share
custody of our son. She gets no child support or
spousal support.

Speaker 1 (26:26):
Debt is separate.

Speaker 2 (26:27):
She still continues to try to get me to watch
our son over night so she can go work. She
has been manipulative twice to be able to have someone
with our son before I get home from work, so
I have no choice. I finally snapped at her after
being kind and stoic for two weeks. I told her
how crappy, manipulative, selfish, and untruthful she was all around,

(26:47):
that I won't do these things to her, and I'm
sure a scrap won't be her doormat and let her
do it to me. We still coabitate, but I am
packing my things and moving in the next few weeks.
I am going to my parents' house until I pay
off the cost of divorce and decide where I want
to move to within range of my son. She still
rarely shows remorse, but I'm not try to call her

(27:09):
on her crap. We don't interact much, and when she tries,
I usually mostly ignore her. Sometimes she's playful and flirts
with me, and don't buy into it. She texts me
a few times about how sometimes she wants to work
things out and other times she can't stand me. I
am fully done with her crap, and she doesn't seem
to comprehend that I am filing and done with her.
There's no trust or respect for her, and truthfully, I

(27:29):
hate her.

Speaker 1 (27:30):
There is a little bit left to this story. Do
you have any final thoughts?

Speaker 3 (27:33):
I just this is a tough pill to swallow, but
I'm glad you're doing it. I'm glad you're not just
like trying to hang on and deal with this like
unfair behavior, yeah, disrespectful behavior. You're getting out of there,
which is the best thing that you could do for
yourself and for your kids, right, they have kids. Yeah,
so yeah, you're doing everything right, but it does just suck,

(27:56):
man does just suck?

Speaker 1 (27:57):
Just suck.

Speaker 2 (27:58):
Yeah, just divorce her. I guess that's all you can do.

Speaker 3 (28:02):
Yeah, you'll find someone much better because it sounds like
he's still pretty young too.

Speaker 1 (28:06):
Yeah he's thirty. Yeah I know.

Speaker 3 (28:08):
I mean I never heard the like dating in your
thirties is still tough, but at least you're not like fifty.

Speaker 2 (28:12):
Yeah, that seems tougher. Our son has to be pulled
away from me crying when she wants to show him
attention when I'm around. He even prefers my sister in
law over my wife, usually unless he wants to nurse.
My wife still mostly ignores him and plays on her phone.
In the meantime, I'm hitting the gym and trying to
maintain my sanity. I do fine during the day, but
the darker thoughts creep in at night. I do my

(28:33):
best to stave it off, but it's hard when it
prevents you from sleeping. I'm just riding the waves of
it all until I reach better days. Depression is definitely present,
but I am focusing on my one and a half
year old son, as he is all that matters in this.
I love him very much. Thanks everyone for their time
and that final push I needed to be strong and
get my divorce going. And folks, that is the end

(28:53):
of that story.

Speaker 1 (28:55):
Hey, it's John here. We're gonna get back to this episode,
but a quick three minute break with aswermar sponsors. My
husband is exhausted from working a high paying job. I
don't want to work dull. This is part genuine request
for perspective and opinions and part getting it off of
my chest. To sum up, my husband and I have
been married for ten years. We have a good marriage

(29:15):
and have never faced any truly difficult times. It'll be
difficult to explain everything that goes into this, but I'm
happy to expound in the comments. By the way, this
comes from user ten year Perspective, and if you want
to submit your own stories, go to the r slash
Okay storytime subredding. So basically, the last decade has largely

(29:36):
been focused on achieving financial independence. I had never been
a very business oriented person until I met my husband.
He is extremely entrepreneurial and his passion for it is catching.
We have run our own businesses together and separately throughout
our marriage. The goal has always been to make enough
money on location independent businesses that we can live freely,

(29:58):
not necessarily retire, but just have more freedom. Because of
his encouragement, I am now on a career path that
could easily result in that in ten years we have
moved twenty five times, all because better opportunities have presented
themselves or current opportunities have dried up. We are now

(30:18):
facing number twenty six, with number twenty seven not far away,
because number twenty six doesn't look like that good of
a prospect. Without giving away details, my business fluctuates greatly.
I've had months where I pull in mid five figures
and long stretches of a few hundred dollars. I assume
not one hundred grand. My career quote unquote outside of

(30:40):
this is food service with a very definite wage ceiling.
My husband's career is professional and he can easily find
a six figure salary position. His current online business currently
brings in low four figures. We have always relied on
his going back to work when money runs low. He's
in high demand, practically, snap his fingers and get a job.

(31:02):
I cannot. Here's the conflict and where I'll try to
eliminate as much of my bias as possible. My husband
is completely burned out. He physically and emotionally can't deal
with the stress of going to work right now. He
has supported me through the last couple of years when
my income has been low, and I've always been aware
of my financial contribution, and I make up for it

(31:24):
by carrying the grand majority of the household chores, even
when I was working sixty plus hours as a manager
and pulling in half of his wage. But as our
savings are dwindling, it's looking more and more like I'll
have to get a job that means pushing my business
to the back burner, working a physically demanding job, all
for a quarter of the pay he could get. I'm

(31:45):
not one to spend money. We didn't really have a wedding.
We bought my wedding band three years after we got married.
I cut my own hair. I work from home in sweatpants.
It's not as though I've forced him to work jobs
he hates in order to provide me with an extravagant lifestyle.
I have worked crap jobs to help provide for us
in the past, and even when my business isn't earning

(32:06):
a ton, I still put in fifty plus hours a week.
I'm craving stability, not permanence, just the feeling that I
can unpack our boxes and not feel like I should
save them in a closet, knowing in six to nine
months I'll need them again. We've been child free for years,
but the last couple of years the topic has been
coming up more and more. Yet I feel it's impossible

(32:26):
to even discuss the idea of starting a family in
the face of such uncertainty. I miss my cats, who
they're living with my parents overseas. I want a fish
tank in a place to hang pictures. My husband says,
if you want those things, then make it happen, which
fair enough I completely agree with. I don't want to
rely on him to provide the life I want. However,

(32:49):
it leaves me feeling a combination of emotions I can't
really put into words. I find myself going through mental
exercises of what would I do in this situation if
I were single, would I support myself? And I start
to feel resentful. I'm not single, I'm married, and not
only that, I'm not sure I can make enough money

(33:09):
to support us. I desperately want him to find what
it is he's meant to do. I desperately want him
to find what it is he's meant to do. I
don't care about the money or the dreams of financial
independence if it means he's miserable trying to get there.
Have we talked to him?

Speaker 2 (33:25):
Felton says he's allowed to take a lower pink job,
but he needs to do something. I think that's the thing.
It's like, that's totally fair for him to be like,
this job is too stressful, it's too much. That's totally fine,
but like both of you need to find another job
that works. Gotta find something.

Speaker 1 (33:39):
He's been trying to work out which direction to change
too for the past year and has yet to come
up with anything solid. I know it's all about give
and take, but I can't help but feel I don't know,
I don't have the words, and I'm at a complete
loss as to how we resolve this. By the way,
we have talked about all of this about one nine
hundred pey seven times already. There's nothing written here that

(34:00):
he has not heard before. Edit. I appreciate all the
comments and opinions. This got a lot more response, and
I expected just a few things. It's difficult to sum
up an entire life in a few hundred words. The
moves have been for varied and obviously, with twenty five
of them, multiple reasons. So we're somewhere because my husband

(34:21):
was offered a good job. Others were to be nearer family. Ah,
that still doesn't make any sense, dude.

Speaker 2 (34:26):
They moved to be nearer family, and then and then
they moved again.

Speaker 1 (34:30):
With twenty five moves. They're like, we're too close to
the family. Are taking turns? You're like, so we're going
to move close to uncle Steve, and then we're now
going to move next to mom and dad, and then
we're gonna move closer to my brother and then we're
what are you talking about? Yeah, saying that like that's normal,
it's crazy. I've been pursuing my side business for the
last three and a half years. The seven prior to that,
I was in full time employment, sometimes working a full

(34:51):
time job while also helping to run our own business.
He has not financially supported me for ten years. I'm
not sure where people got MLM from, but I'm in
a creative field. As I said, I don't want to
reveal details, but I create products and then sell them online.
We're not scam artists. Nor do we have to leave
town because people are catching on to our pyramid scheme. Lol.

(35:12):
As far as financials go, again, it's impossible to sum
up ten years of income. But we go through feast
and famine periods, times when money is flowing in, in
times when we live off of what we've earned. We
never live outside our means, and when money is good,
we put thousands of a month away to prepare for the downtimes.
It's not a typical way of living. So I understand
it's not easily relatable.

Speaker 2 (35:32):
Why is it so so? I mean, like I think
there is. I don't want to say, like it's not
uncommon for people to have like very good times and
then very bad financial times. Like there is that kind
of fluctuation that happens in life because things change. But
it seems like you guys are expecting that to happen
it like in a way that goes beyond like, oh,
just in case. It feels like you guys are like, yeah,

(35:54):
it this business that we're in is gonna drop. And
I feel like maybe this is not business that we
should be in if there is that much you know,
fluctuation that's just what I'm reading from this. Obviously I
don't know all of the details, but maybe this isn't
the mist I needed to be in their best business
to be in.

Speaker 1 (36:13):
I already know my take, right, Yeah, I don't fully
agree with your take, but you know what, if you're
making six figures and you're miserable and you know that
you can quit later, I'm singing too, mo bro, they could.

Speaker 2 (36:25):
Both find a different jobs that they like at least
a little bit or like. Don't make them miserable, but
make them enough to be a little bit more stable.

Speaker 1 (36:33):
That's what I'm thinking. Well, I'm just thinking all the
times I've worked jobs that paid me literally dirt. Life
isn't always about working a job that you like. It's
true a lot of times you will find yourself like,
I really like the job I have right now. I
worked a ton of jobs I did not enjoy, but
I needed the money. So in that context, if y'all

(36:54):
need the money right now to provide some level of security,
just get it, save it, use it, then quit. What
are we talking about? Comments number one? So you both
have entrepreneurial side businesses and full time jobs, plus moving
every three to six months for the last ten years.
That would burn anybody out. I know financial independence is

(37:17):
a dream, but it seems like if both put down roots,
maybe for a specified time like four years, and found stability,
burnout wouldn't be a factor. Financially and emotionally. Starting over
takes a toll. I want to say, make a plan,
but sometimes you have to go with the flow, work
a job and just make it day to day without
trying to achieve large, crushing goals of making it big

(37:38):
with an entrepreneurial venture. Ope replies, we go back and
forth when it comes to the full time employment because
of his high salary and short lifespan. When working. It's
been more like six months on several months off. But
there's always a side business always lol. Comment number two.
If you're trying to reach financial independence based on location

(38:01):
independent businesses, why on earth do you have to move
twenty five times in ten years? Why on earth are
you moving for the twenty sixth time if you think
you'll have to move again for the twenty seventh It
sounds to me like there is something wrong with how
your husband is pursuing financial independence, and I'm worried that
your husband is not so much entrepreneurial as chasing money
schemes up a hill in Downdale. After ten years of

(38:23):
working on it, how close are you to your net
worth goal? You sound very frugal. Surely after ten years
you have a solid nest egg and are seeing that
networth start to grow through compound interest. Why do you
say your savings or dwindling when his business brings in
enough money to pay the bills. From a five ray perspective,
it just doesn't add up. Even if this strategy really

(38:43):
is working in a money sense, If you're sick of
moving and long for stability, this strategy is not working
for you or for your marriage. I think your reaction
to the current circumstances is about a bigger set of
issues than just going back to work. You sound like
you're at the end of your rope with a lot
of things like moving in housework and children and going
back to low up return on investment work is the

(39:07):
last straw. As others have said, your husband needs to
treat his burnout. You sound burned out too. You both
need to take a step back and look at your
plans and lifestyle through marriage, counseling, financial advice, whatever, Well,
help you review with clear eyes and get on the
same page. Your current plans and lifestyle are clearly not

(39:27):
working for either of you. Op says when I say
savings are dwindling, there's a lump of money in the
savings account that we never ever touch and treat as
the rock bottom. We never get close to that amount,
So in my mind, what we have to live off
in savings is running out when we budget. We don't
feel like we're doing well unless we're able to put

(39:49):
money away at the end of the month. After ten
years of working, we are definitely not where either of
us would like to be. That's not to say the
experiences and ups and downs weren't worth it. Don't think
it's in my husband to buckle down with a nine
to five job and squirrel away money for retirement. I
have always been happy to help him pursue his goals
of owning and running his own businesses because I have

(40:10):
faith in him. It's clear after talking this through on here,
we're at a fork in the road. Reply, your husband
is about to hit rock bottom and you're not far behind.
That money was saved for emergencies. This situation is not
that different than your husband being temporarily disabled. At the
very least, you need to consider touching it. Opie says,

(40:31):
I appreciate the way that you put that. It makes
it easier to lock onto in my mind. Thank you.
And there's an update. I don't know if I agree
with that.

Speaker 2 (40:40):
I don't think the solution is, oh, we should reach
into our rock bottom savings. I think the solution is
we need to find a different career path because this
one clearly isn't lucrative. I feel like anyone who's confused
in the story, what we basically have is op is
an entrepreneur and has been working a cup like low

(41:00):
paying jobs for ten years. Her husband is an entrepreneur
and has been working some very high paying jobs, but
that only kind of like contract work only have like
limited timeframes, and they've.

Speaker 1 (41:14):
Been doing this for ten years.

Speaker 2 (41:15):
They've moved twenty six times the last ten years for
various different reasons, and now they're having a conflict of
interest about wanting to save money, but her husband not
wanting to do this well paying job because it makes
it miserable, and so that's where that's been. She's still
working those two jobs and the entrepreneurial job or like
making something. Uh, and he's still doing the entrepreneurial job,

(41:39):
I think, but not doing the six figure job. And
they're just like they cannot agree. And I think that
they both have to realize that they just got to
go a different route altogether, because if you're working at
a job for ten years and seeing no sort of
stability at all, Like I'm not talking like you're going

(41:59):
different job, different job, different job. They're at the same job,
it seems.

Speaker 1 (42:03):
Or at least the same. I think there, he don't know.
I think he has he has the ability to snap
up those kinds. I think whatever that job, probably contract work.
But then he but he has all these other entrepreneurial
things he's doing.

Speaker 2 (42:16):
Yeah, but none of them are none of them are
providing them stability. And if nothing in your life is
providing you stability and that is what you want, then
you have to look at alternatives. And that's not for him,
just for him, that's for both of you. And that's
my take on this story, And now I want to
read the update. Unless you have thoughts.

Speaker 1 (42:32):
My take is just the same. Sometimes you gotta eat
a freaking crab sandwich and smile about it when you
don't want to because there's a there's a there's a
beautiful deli that's gonna make you like the best turkey
sandwich you've ever had at the end of this tunnel.
And right now you're in the crap sandwich tunnel, but
you're eating them for a reason because there's a light

(42:53):
at the end of it.

Speaker 2 (42:55):
And Belton says, same feel, not the exact same job,
which is a good point, but still, I mean, like,
if the same field as not providing you any sort
of stability, then let's see if we can take a
little in tour.

Speaker 1 (43:06):
Like the comments also said, are we sure it's not
moving every five months that's making you miserable?

Speaker 2 (43:11):
That's also I think you have to look at like
what in your life is causing you so much instability?
And maybe it's moving. Maybe not having a stable place
to live for ten years is providing you a lack
of stability.

Speaker 1 (43:24):
It is stability anyway. I'm going to the update. I'm
writing partly to sort out all of this in my
head and partly for outside perspectives. I don't even know
what to think anymore. Again, I'm happy to explain any
details that need fleshing out if it helps I'll try
to be concise, and I truly appreciate you reading. Nine

(43:45):
months ago, I posted asking for help about my frustration
with going back to work after my husband burned out
in his career. For the sake of anonymity, I tried
to be vague with the details, and many thought our
work was on the dodgy side. I don't care about
keeping it anonymous. All these factors are relevant. I am
an author. Myself published books and made a decent living

(44:08):
doing it for several years. My husband is a software
developer and mainly buys existing online companies and fixes them
up to sell. When that's not working, he tries to
work a normal nine to five, but typically lasts no
more than six months. His last attempt was one day.
My career before this was in the food industry, which
means crap pay, long hours, and very sore feet. I

(44:31):
got a job that pays ninety five percent of the bills.
The rest is covered by savings. Yeah, I'd rather be
working for myself, but I like it. I'm good at it.
It's the first time I actually enjoy going to work.
For the last few months, I've been slowly changing and
it feels like my husband and I are drifting apart.
At first, I thought it was a natural phase. Things
will definitely feel different compared to working under the same

(44:52):
roof all day and night. Now I don't know. And
here's some information from the previous thread. He says, if
you want those things, didn't make them happen, which fair
enough I completely agree with. No, what what do we?
I don't want to rely on him to provide the
life I want. However, it leaves me feeling a combination

(45:12):
of emotions I can't really put into words. Okay, this
is all just literally, Oh that was kind of okay.
This is this like if I was single, how would
I do this? But I'm not right? This is all repeated. Yes, okay,
I'm not right. Uh read that. Yeah, but it's like
the remixing. And not only that, I'm not sure I
can make enough money to support us. But now I

(45:33):
am making enough money to support us, and it feels good.
It's given me confidence in a way I haven't had before.
But it's also made something glaringly obvious in our relationship.
We disagree on just about everything, and we have very
little in common. Getting a job was the thing that
made you realize this. Oh, he's like, I got a
good job. I don't like my husband.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
I mean on it, okay, yeah, Like I understand, we're
all like, oh, pee, that was pretty obvious. However, I
think for her, it's like she's finally able to support
herself on her own and then she's realizing, Wow, my
husband doesn't even care about like our partnership, like us.

Speaker 1 (46:10):
And look, I have to clarify because I saw some comments,
and as a former restaurant grunt, I would never be
like it's like the easiest job in the world or anything.
It's more just perspective. There are jobs that are harder
than that and are more of a toll on your body.
And guess what if the first thing you think about
your job is that it's terrible and it's breaking my
back and it's hard and it hurts and I hate it.
Guess what, when you go into work that job, you're

(46:32):
gonna be miserable. But if you do a little cognitive
reframing and you go, you know what, there are some
good parts about my job, and you think about those
instead of ooh the bad stuff, Guess what, it makes
it easier to go to your job.

Speaker 2 (46:44):
I do think that I'll ope is using that as
like a way to be like, this is what I
used to do and I hated it, And now I
have a job that I love and I'm realizing, Wow,
there's so much better stuff in life.

Speaker 1 (46:54):
I'm happy to work on my riding on the side
while I work. He thinks I've given up on our
dream and have settled for a while. World that is
just nine to five Monday through Friday, and he is
loath to spend time in it. He sold his business
and is still figuring out what he wants to do next.
I want to buy a flat in the city. He
wants to move to the country, or use our savings
to travel or live remotely. I want to settle for

(47:16):
a while and make friends. He thinks there's plenty of
time for that in the future. I want to make
our home cozy and put up decorations like photos and artwork.
While he likes it, he thinks of it all as
just pointless stuff. We shouldn't waste money. I could go on,
but you get it. It feels like literally everything I
like he hates. I've also realized that most of the moves,
most of the big, big decisions, were things I went

(47:38):
along with I'm not saying he bullied me or anything,
just that I didn't feel too strongly one way or
the other, so I tended to go with what he wanted.
Of course we talked about it, but it rarely was
me putting in the bulk of the income, so I
didn't feel like I had much of his say. Now
I feel strongly about a life direction and have the
ability to make it happen, and I feel guilty. He

(47:59):
says I've changed that he is the same person as
he's always been and wants the same things he's always wanted.
This is me altering the situation, which I agree with.
But it's not like it's this massive bait and switch
plan our entire marriage. I've talked about settling down. I'm rambling.
Here's the way I see it. We both love each
other and genuinely want to make the other happy, which

(48:21):
is why for ten years we've both compromised on choices
that go against what we individually want. He goes to
work for a little while so I can have a
semi stable girl. Him having a job is not a compromise, right,
Do we see that?

Speaker 2 (48:36):
I think she's seeing it now, though, I think that's
the whole point of this update, is that she's saying, Wow,
we are totally different people and we want totally different things,
And now that I can support myself, I'm gonna scooch.

Speaker 1 (48:47):
He goes to work for a little while so I
can have a semi stable home. I bounce around the
world with him so he can discover himself in his career.
But our tolerance for these periods have become too short
to manage. He physically can't work. For another part. If
I could roll my eyes across the floor, I would
do it. I have a so much take on that.

Speaker 2 (49:09):
That's the thing. Now we're learning that what he sees
as miserable is not just like terrible workplace blah blah blah.
It's he literally cannot work for another person. That's why
he wants to be an entrepreneur so bad. But he's
not a good entrepreneur. Sometimes you have to work for
other people. That's that's how it works. And he can't
get over that.

Speaker 1 (49:29):
I want to scream when I think about packing up
my stuff and starting over again. Have we just spent
so much of our marriage being distracted by the exciting
newness of moving and pushing for financial independence that we
didn't notice how little we have in common otherwise. I
can't help but feel like this is on me, not
my fault, per se, but on my shoulders. I'm the
one rocking the status quo, and if I want things

(49:53):
to balance out, it's up to me to adjust my expectations.

Speaker 2 (49:56):
I just need to know if they break up.

Speaker 1 (49:57):
Oh, he's like, is it on me for having free
ill to like want things that are different than what
my husband does?

Speaker 3 (50:04):
Really, gotta get out of there, gotta get out, let's leave.

Speaker 2 (50:08):
Oh, guys want fundamentally different things.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
Free will wait? But is this just guilt? Guys? Come on?
Update number two. I was recently cleaning out my bookmarks
and found this old throwaway and obviously the two posts
I'd made with it. I'm not sure why now I
feel compelled to write a follow up, but here it goes.
Maybe it'll give people the bravery to change, or at
least an example of how sticking with what you know
isn't always the best choice. The best things in life

(50:33):
are often on the opposite side of fear. To keep
that in mind, and obviously very long story short, with
the help of those posts and a lot of long
nights of thinking I left my husband.

Speaker 2 (50:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (50:45):
In fact, it took him going away for a long
weekend to realize how much happier and at peace I
felt without him around. At first, the split was amicable,
but looking back, I think he was just waiting for
me to come rushing back to him. Once I realized
my mistake quote unquote, when that didn't happen and he
could see I was actually serious about building a new
life for myself, he flipped the switch. We only spoke

(51:07):
when he needed something from me, and eventually that stopped too.
But enough about him. I'm now forty two, happier and
healthier and more satisfied than I've been my whole life.
That picked me, and that was the best choice I
could have ever made. I lived alone for the first time,
and my God, the peace of having my own space
is unrivaled. I ended up staying in that apartment for

(51:27):
five years, not moving a box in sight. I put
art on the walls, I knew my neighbors, I made
a home. I grew my career and went back to school,
made friends and built a little community. I've done a
ton of therapy and realized that the harmful patterns my
parents created in childhood were just repeating with my ex.
I fell in love, a real love, a supportive love

(51:49):
that encourages growth and security. I'm doing new work that
helps people and is so much more than just chasing money.
All of those things have created a life that's more
of rewarding than I ever thought possible for myself.

Speaker 2 (52:01):
But there we go. Hope, he's done it.

Speaker 1 (52:03):
It's gaped. We've got a good ending. Like it.

Speaker 2 (52:07):
She's out of that situation, and she's got a good
job and she's still a writer.

Speaker 1 (52:13):
Yes, indeed, m M, I don't know if I don't
know if she's a well she said she was fairly successful. Cowboy,
little cowboy emoji's in the chat. Let's finish this story off.
I've gone through some really crappy times too, illness, cancer, shares, loss, grief,
But I have no idea how I would have come
out on the other side without the community I've built

(52:35):
around me. Even something as simple as people at your
local coffee shop recognizing you is a comfort after feeling
adrift and alone for so long. If I were to
respond to myself from seven years ago, this is what
I would say, Leave the loser. He doesn't care about you,
and he never did. He only cares about what you
can do for him, And now that you aren't serving him,
just go. You are capable of doing difficult things, and

(52:57):
you are worthy of the work it takes to accomplish
the trust your abilities, trust your gut. It's been screaming
at you for years now. Honey, life can be so
much more than you've experienced, but you have to make
it happen for yourself. There's an edit. I'm surprised but
happy this found so many people. I genuinely thought I
was going to bookend this story and have it disappear
into the ether or whatever urge I had to write it.

(53:18):
And whatever brought you to reading it. Who knows, maybe
it was meant to be. Thank you for all your
messages and comments. I feel so grateful to have this
perspective and experience. And that is the end of that story.
They go, they go, Hey, it's Sam. We're going to
get back to these stories. But here's three minutes of
ads from our sponsors.

Speaker 2 (53:36):
I discovered how much my husband has saved in the
past years. I'm not happy.

Speaker 1 (53:41):
Never let him tell you size doesn't matter about savings.

Speaker 2 (53:44):
Husband and I have been together nine years, married for
three now. We've always had completely separate finances. I came
from a poor family and my parents fought about money
constantly because my mother was incapable of balancing it. My
dad managed it all and taught me how. I've always
been wary of having anyone else involved in my money,
and I never wanted to fight like my parents, so

(54:06):
I've been happy to separate everything. By the way, this
comes from WTF Taxes three and if you want to
sumit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay
storytime separated. I was poor throughout college and worked my
butt off to get scholarships and land a great job.
I have made good money for four years and have
a nice balance between saving and spending. I paid off
all my student loans in the first two years of

(54:28):
working and am quite proud of myself considering my upbringing
and financial hardships in early life. My husband supported himself
for years before he met me and paid his bills
on time, and has not given me reason to doubt
him in regards to money. He pays for his car
and our utilities, and we split food and I pay
my car and rent which is not quite doable utilities,

(54:49):
but I make more, so it's pretty fair. He's never
late and conducts himself in a mature manner with money,
so I thought we do talk about money and budget
for things we want to do or buy, and each
of us contributes using our own funds. I guess we
just don't nag each other about savings. And I'm realizing
he's quite immature about money now, which surprises me, since

(55:12):
I'm the younger one intend to learn from him all
the time. He's rarely behind me in anything shy of
the field I specialize in.

Speaker 3 (55:19):
Now.

Speaker 2 (55:19):
We just bought a house last month, and that's when
I realized he didn't save much. He had four K
and savings and was really proud of himself for it,
the most he's ever had. I was shocked that was
all he had. I save for us, and I have
college funds set up for my siblings. I contribute to monthly,
which totaled out to eighteen thousand dollars last two years.

(55:39):
I've had a couple surgeries. I am still paying off
as well, so I don't have a huge nest egg,
but enough to cover a down payment and still save
small amounts here and there, but yeah, working for four years,
I have paid off my loans, saved for college funds
for two other people, and also save for my husband
and I. He has been working the whole time i've
known him, with no debt but a car payment, and

(56:01):
managed four K.

Speaker 1 (56:02):
But like, what is he doing and what are you
doing that? Because it sounds like you're doing something that's
different than what he's doing. Well, if you guys were
working for me, she's literally identically the same jobs, this
point would have weight.

Speaker 2 (56:14):
Well, we don't know what he's we don't.

Speaker 1 (56:16):
We don't know, right, Well, so I think we're gon
find out. Yeah, let's find out.

Speaker 2 (56:20):
Anyway, I'm doing taxes for us as I do every
year on my own. And when he changed jobs last year,
he wasn't offered insurance or retirement, instead in insurance credit,
which I thought he saved to get insurance through the marketplace,
which I told him over and over was necessary within
three months, But come to find out, he didn't, and
we owe all of the refund and then some we'd

(56:42):
get and he has not been contributing to retirement either
at all. He didn't even start until he was twenty
seven and I saved twelve percent of my salary to
make up the difference for that, so I'm not happy
he needs to save for it. Between that and realizing
his savings is literally nothing. After signing house papers, I'm free,
I'm I'm feeling pretty bitter. I'm trying to handle this

(57:02):
maturely and not just blow up. I don't want to
monitor his spending or anything. I know that would be
a disaster, but we've got to come to some agreement
where he starts managing his money better. We have a
good relationship of respect and usually communicate well, and this
isn't at a point to throw things away over, especially
considering the house purchase. But I can see the snowballing

(57:23):
if I don't step up and insist on some changes.
His solution is to file taxes separately and then pay
the fees on a credit card he carries a balance
on so it doesn't impact my refund. Not an option
to file separately, and I feel that doesn't address anything.
I'm also afraid to tear him down, considering he's genuinely
proud of his savings going up lately and has been

(57:43):
trying to stick to budget since the house I don't
want to discourage him making positive changes, but I'm super
pissed off and feel somewhat taken advantage of that. He'll
be thirty seven soon and needs to do something. I
can't believe. I didn't know he had never had more
than four K in his savings ever and thinks for
that age that's great. Or am I being a nag

(58:04):
like I've been told? I honestly don't know how to
handle money with anyone other than myself, and I'm really
up tired about my own stuff and go over weekly.
Maybe I expect too much and there is an update.

Speaker 1 (58:15):
Nina is Neilsen in the chat's got the they got
the comment.

Speaker 2 (58:18):
Op sounds condescending and that annoys me. But husband sounds
like he's either a manchild or too stubborn to ask
for help too. So I think everyone is an a
hole in that relationship. I think a little bit. Yeah,
I think I think Ope would be somewhat in the
wrong if she went to her husband and was like,
for nothing, you sack, blah blah blah. However, I also
think that you know, if they want to get where

(58:42):
they're both want to be in life, they probably both
need to make some concessions to save up in that,
you know, for that. I also think that this probably
arose in part because she wanted so much separation and finances.
I'm not saying that she's wrong to want separate finances,
but I feel like that kind of bread we don't

(59:02):
even talk about each other's finances because she says that
I didn't even know that he's never had more than
four K, And I feel like, if you've never known
that and you got married exactly, why didn't we know that?
You need to be able to talk about it. You
need to be able to talk about that. And I
think that because she was so like, let's not have
any connection here, they didn't talk about that.

Speaker 1 (59:22):
Finance, which, you know, there's also a perspective I think
we're missing here, which is that like four K saved
up with zero debt, is you're actually wealthier than the
vast majority of people on the face of the planet. Like, yeah,
that's actually with the no debt conveat, but like, yeah,
that's not like it's not I don't know, she's it's
just the everything's coming from the wrong place on both sides.

Speaker 2 (59:44):
Yeah, I agree, I think there's yeah.

Speaker 1 (59:47):
Lack of communication.

Speaker 2 (59:48):
Update, husband doesn't save enough money. Never had reason to
distrust his word on this, as he is otherwise responsible
with money. Now I know we need to at least
have some joint savings account and try to figure out
how to broach this subject. So I ran numbers, came
up with solutions of a joint savings account with what
we'd each need to contribute each paycheck for savings and retirement.
Explained in a calm, neutral fashion that something needed to

(01:00:11):
change and we needed to join our savings because clearly
he wasn't doing what he had been telling me, and
now we are in debt for it and unable to
move forward with plans. Oh, now they're in debt for it.
That's but how did gentlemen?

Speaker 1 (01:00:22):
How did you pull the trigger on a house without
knowing your exact everyone's finances?

Speaker 2 (01:00:29):
Yes, that is a huge point. That is a huge point.
Why did we not talk about this?

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
Like? How did the bank close on the house? Yeah?
Who made you permission?

Speaker 2 (01:00:36):
Means says, I think it's not about the savings. But
he's not prepared financially in this big move they're doing,
which is buying house. Yes, why did she not know
why was he like, yeah, four thousands enough to buy
a house.

Speaker 1 (01:00:47):
Okay, but so did they not so they haven't bought
the house, or they did buy the house, is now
we're in debt for it.

Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
He also was not withholding near enough taxes at his
new job and needs to fix that. So I'm not
paying seventy five percent more than him and then owing
money in the end anyway, to clarify, he makes eighty
percent of what I do. Most stuff is split closer
to him paying only about half of what I do,
so he can afford his car.

Speaker 1 (01:01:10):
Well, that's clearly a lack of financial literacy.

Speaker 2 (01:01:13):
Yeah, which they need to talk about. Well, it feels
like it's talking.

Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
But yeah, if you've never known what they are the
whole time you've been together, you can't even really be
upset at anyone except like yourself in a way, like
I know it's his behavior, but like I'm not buying
a house with anyone without knowing exactly what their finances look.

Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
Absolutely absolutely I'm fine with this if he can say
what we need to. Here's the issue. He can't handle
making less money than me and feels underpaid and worthless
and guilty. He got defensive and angry, in between admitting
he needs to do something, but then back to the
feeling worthless and angry. We had a twenty five K
down payment and he is only able to contribute one K,

(01:01:52):
and it makes him feel crappy. He misses when I
was younger and we were more carefree, and he doesn't
enjoy all the responsibility of growing up and simply doesn't
want to do it. He's more go with the flow,
and I'm more planned for what could go wrong, and
then have fun. He did not want to get a
degree and finds it hard to make as much money
as he feels he deserves. I agree, he is very skilled,
but opportunities are not many without a degree these days.

(01:02:14):
He refuses to get schooling though. I got a degree
in a high demand field and got in at a
big fortune five hundred companies, so I started out making
a lot and it hurt his ego. I am firm
on the savings account, being joint utilities fluctuate, and he
is paying those since so since I'm covering entire mortgage,
we can keep those separate. But it's a must to

(01:02:36):
be sure we are proportionate to our income. Savings enough
to pay off his credit card and plan for retirement
and have money for a rainy day. The thing is
with his withholding percentage going up now so we don't
owe thousands next year. He can't afford his car, the utilities,
and to save for retirement and a joint nest egg.
He doesn't want to give up being able to live
how he does now. There is zero chance of him

(01:02:58):
getting an older car. He loves that thing and it's
his hobby and the reason he works. I would rather
work harder to save more than have resentment over the car.
There is a little bit more to this story, but
it seems like he's just not ready to be an
adult relationship and do adult things. I mean, and you
needed to have a conversation about what he is ready for,

(01:03:19):
and maybe you guys aren't ready to you know, I
don't know continue in this relationship if he's not willing
to make any concessions.

Speaker 1 (01:03:26):
It's just a like, how did it get to this?
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
He's thirty seven. He's thirty seven. I don't want to
say like I want to make it really clear. I'm
not saying that a thirty seven year old can't go
through hardships or like have four K in the bank
and that's not okay, Like that's totally fine. People go
through different, you know, things in life. But to be
thirty seven and be like I don't want to do

(01:03:51):
any of this stuff. I just want to be like free.

Speaker 1 (01:03:54):
That's fair though, Dude, you can go work at the
snow slopes. Bro, Yeah you can go.

Speaker 2 (01:03:57):
You can work at the snow slopes and now be
in a relationship with OPI.

Speaker 1 (01:04:00):
That was me like like two three years ago. I
was like, you're gonna be a seasonal worker in your
mid twenties. I'm gonna. I'm just gonna yeah, and you're unmarried, dude,
you child. So many people who are this who are
fun to save for children, but they're like I'm gonna, yeah,
that's what I'm saying. I'm saying if that's acceptable lifestyles.

(01:04:20):
What I'm saying is don't let somebody like be like, oh, what,
you're forty and you like what have like the coolest
job ever, just like getting to snowboard all the time.
Whatever you want. Yeah, you don't have a family, what's
wrong with you? It's like, yeah, the first part.

Speaker 2 (01:04:31):
That's not what I'm saying if you want to go
do that, do that. You can't have both of these things.
That's not it doesn't work. You can't just be like, oh,
I don't want to say for anything, and I don't
want to be carefree and travel and you know, have
my cool car that costs a lot of money, and
also be in a committed marriage and trying to save

(01:04:52):
up for kids and trying to save up for a house.

Speaker 1 (01:04:54):
That doesn't work.

Speaker 2 (01:04:54):
We we get a little bit more. I don't know
how to address the ego issue. I am younger his
wife and will likely always make more unless he gets
really lucky. I can't force him to go to school
and have given him the chance, and he won't take it.
I don't know how to deal with it. I understand
he feels crappy because he wasn't able to contribute to
our house purchase, but I hope for at least a
little gratitude and down. Do not expect there to be

(01:05:17):
no anger at me for floating all this and then
trying to fix the disparity. Anyone have any advice how
to handle him feeling down because I make more. I
know it can't be that common for men to feel
this way, I'm not It's not a valid excuse to
put off this conversation though at it. We dated six
years before marrying and had all the big talks beforehand.
Plan was always for me to be the main breadwinner

(01:05:38):
post college. His car, which he didn't have then, wasn't
factored into the plan. I just think that.

Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
Dropping the actually get a jump at the Fortune five
hundred company. It's like no one cares.

Speaker 2 (01:05:48):
I think maybe she's, you know, feels a little bit
like she's doing a lot more, and maybe he's condescending
to him. But also I feel like he's not doing enough,
and I think that they're both not communicating.

Speaker 1 (01:06:00):
Everyone sucks in the story.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}My girlfriend can’t stay loyal when she drinks… I’m done with her! - r/relationshps | Reddit Stories