September 19, 2025 • 55 mins
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00:00 r/BestofRedditorUpdates - My husband keeps ruining my birthday, how do I tell him without starting a fight
18:55 r/okstorytime - The Thought of Going to my Son's Wedding is Making me Sick
34:36 r/okstorytime - My spouse puts his baby mama before me, what do I do?
Note: stories are sometimes abbreviated
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, this is Sam, this is John, and we are
the founding hosts of Okay Storytime podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
And we have some foundational stories coming up for you.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
But the thing is this foundation needs a little support
from these sponsors. So stick around two minutes.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
And we'll get into the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
My husband always ruins my birthday.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
You're not invited to my birthday party.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Canceled from coming to my birthday party. I thought you
were gonna do a third one.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
It is my forty one female birthday.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Happy birth today today, Happy birthday, Happy boar birthday.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
My husband, forty nine male of nineteen years can be
an ale.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I don't need anyone to tell me that.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
His crappy behavior is few and far between, though most
of the time we get along.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
We love each other the spices.
Speaker 4 (00:48):
Sleep is great and fairly frequent. He's very unselfish in
the boudoir and helps out around the house and jumps
in with the kids whenever needed. Generally a good husband
with some bad quality. By the way, this comes from
user accurate Swimmer three twenty six and if you want
usbmit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay
Storytime subreddit.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
I'm Dakota I'm Sophia.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
And I'm Keon, and let's see what ops to say.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
The problem arises when we try to resolve conflict. He
becomes extremely defensive to the point of aggression. Hence this post.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Your husband sounds bad.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Sounds bad. And also I did the math twenty and
twenty eight. Not crazy, but if he's acting like this,
bad sounds a little not great.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
Last year, on my birthday, I didn't quote tell him
clearly enough what I wanted while we were planning the evening.
He ended up snapping at me and then giving me
then the silent treatment, the snilent treatment. It's when you
snap and give him the silence snapy. I hate the
snilent treatment. I cried while driving myself and our kids
(01:54):
to the trampoline park.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
That's where I wanted to go. I love it, he
does it.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
That sounds like so much much fun.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Yeah, how do you hate a trampoline park?
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Are you gonna hit a trampline park? Are you? Are
you just not? You have no joy in your heart
to lose. I really want to go back to the
trampoline park now that I have muscles.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
He's afraid of the what so I.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Can do the Ninja Warrior section.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
There's a ninja warrior, so you need muscles to go
to the trampoline, gares I, when you would jump, would
you just like collapse?
Speaker 5 (02:23):
Like?
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Ah, the jumping part anyway.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
That's why he doesn't like the trampoline parts. He's not
strong enough.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
This year, I was clear.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
I said I wanted to go to the pool or
maybe that adventure park nearby. Think David Busters, but with
a zip line sick. He told me not to plan
anything because he had a surprise.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
Honestly, he needs to stop planning things or surprising you. Yeah,
you need to plan everything just so you can have
a fun day.
Speaker 4 (02:47):
Yeah, clearly this guy is not He doesn't know what
you like, not equipped to plan. While I was out
running a quick errand with my daughter today, he called
me and told me to come home because the surprise
was almost there. The surprise was he invited my mother
over for the day. My mother and I aren't close.
She's emotionally cold and distant, sometimes flat out rude. He
(03:09):
knows this. Our relationship is unfulfilling. It best disappointing. At worst,
she'll literally pretend I'm not speaking and start talking to
someone else. Mid sentence, we don't spend time together, and
it's not like he likes her either. So far, today
we had twenty minutes at the table for cake, then
he went into the hot tub alone, and now he's
downstairs playing video games. I'm stuck here with my mom,
(03:30):
who will probably stay until bad time.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
It feels like he hired a babysitter who you don't
like for you.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
This is an adult.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
So that he didn't have to hang out with you.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
Hiring the OP to babysit you, and the OP is
your mom in the OP, which is unfortunate.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Truly, I don't understand, because he could just let you
go if you really hated the Chaplain park. It's still
insane that he won't come to you on your birth
like come with you on your birthday. But he could
just let you go with the kids and then plan
something nice after you come back.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
He's like, I don't want to feel left out while
you guys enjoy all the trampolines that I hate.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
He's not even spending time with you, so why not
let you do something that you want to do.
Speaker 5 (04:09):
Yeah, this guy sucks.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
I feel like my day is ruined.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
I'm seething In all fairness to him, he did buy
me flowers and several pieces of coach jewelry, even though
I don't wear jewelry, which he knows.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
So it's useless.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
Useless.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
It feels like he threw money at the day, invited
my mom over to babysit me, and now he's off
the hook to do whatever he wants. I feel angry
and overlooked, handled, and then abandoned.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well, yeah, that's exactly what he did.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
That's exactly what he did birthday. That's exactly what he
dia birthday.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
How do I bring this up without it turning into
a huge fight, fight fight, Let them fight. I want
to talk, not trigger a blow up, but I'm furious.
Please give me a blueprint for how to handle this.
And we have some relevant comments, But how would you
handle this?
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Sofia, Okay, Honestly, nothing I've heard about this guy has
been anything pleasant. She said. He's good sometimes, but for
the most part, he's kind of not good. So divorce,
I'm just kidding. No, you've been married for nineteen years
and you have kids. Don't divorce yet. But I think
that you have a conversation with him and you say, hey,
(05:20):
if you think that you're having trouble figuring out what
I want for my birthday, let me plan it next year.
Let me just plan and then I just want you
to come be with me. That's it. Just want you
to be there. I'll plan it.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
All you gotta do is ask yeah, if you cared.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Yeah, But the thing is he knows what she wants
to do. Yeah, So I just be like, you know
what I want to do? You know, I don't have
a good relationship with my mom. It felt like you
didn't see me, and on this day that's supposed to
be about me. And if you can't, like, if you
feel like you really just don't know what I want
on my birthday, you can't figure it out, I'm gonna
plan it, but I do want to know. I do
want you to know that you've let me down.
Speaker 5 (05:55):
Here's what you do, Opie. You do what Sophia and
I do. Instead of a birthday, you do a birth month.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah, yes, dude, we should have a combined birthday party
because I I'll already have two other parties, so we can.
Speaker 5 (06:05):
Just and I already have like ten other events.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Exactly, so we'll just combine birthday party, just one of
our our multiple birthday.
Speaker 5 (06:12):
Yes, we're gonna have kofia.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Yeah, I think you birthday.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
But yes. Instead of to do this without a fight,
you just go like, so what why why did you
just invite my mom over for my birthday?
Speaker 3 (06:29):
You don't like her? I don't like her. What was
the thought process there?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Yeah? Yeah, just questions why did this happen?
Speaker 3 (06:35):
Do you like my mom? No? Do I like my mom?
Speaker 5 (06:38):
No?
Speaker 3 (06:39):
So why why?
Speaker 4 (06:41):
Wielder of aphorisms says that my dear stranger is total
bs uh. That's not a birthday, that's punishment with a
consolation prize?
Speaker 3 (06:52):
What's the consolation prize?
Speaker 2 (06:54):
And I don't know that. I don't I truly don't know.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
May I suggest that you plan your own birthdays librations
going forward? He should not contribute anything at all. Happy
birthday and sorry, Ope, he says, thank you. I tried
to plan it. That's when no oh no oh no
oh no.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
What is it? Where did it go?
Speaker 3 (07:17):
We'll try it. I'll explain what's going on. So basically, ope,
he it's her birthday today, except probably not today, but
whenever this was posted, and all she wanted to do
was go to the trampoline Park, and instead of listening
to what she wanted to do, her husband invited her
mom over, who she doesn't really like and he doesn't like,
and then like ignored her and when to play video games.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
Yeah, Field, he's got a lazy husband who's completely He's
checked into the hotel California.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Ain't that the truth? Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (07:47):
You can never check out?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
OPI replies, thank you.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
I tried to plan it, and that's when I was
told not to because of said surprise. I guess I
need to plan it earlier and more forcefully. Lurker the
pip says, next time I tell him no, I want
to plan my birthday. He new he screwed you over
and bailed on you.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
He chose this.
Speaker 4 (08:08):
You told him what you wanted and he decided to
do something miserable and bail on you.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Does he even love you?
Speaker 4 (08:14):
Are there other issues? Ohp he says, I'm not sure.
I think he wants to love me. Being a family
guy is important to him after having no dad in
his life growing up.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Does he love me? I don't know?
Speaker 4 (08:26):
Oh, oh, this has gotten real bad.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Oh well, if we don't know if he loves you
or not, that's.
Speaker 5 (08:35):
Oh mmm, oh no, he might like me.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
You gotta have a conversation about that.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
I think he likes me on weekends, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
He likes me on the weekend.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Anyway, I gotta go to castling with your husband asap.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Ohp.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
He says, we get along well ninety nine percent of
the time. But I don't force this issue anymore. His
work keeps him away a lot of the time. So
I live in a sweet little with my kids. I'm
close with them, even the teens. I try to let
them in my religious faith meet all my needs. That's
difficult when I feel actively hurt and there's an update.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
But that's it. She's religious, probably feels like she can't divorce.
Maybe it just sounds like a sounds like you guys.
Speaker 4 (09:16):
Maybe you're like, he's fine ninety nine percent of the time,
and he's gone ninety eight percent of the time, so
you only see him two percent of the time, and half.
Speaker 5 (09:23):
Of that is bad, bad quick math girl.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Like, I really think, I honestly think now less of
a joking way, you should divorce because you don't even
know if he loves you. I mean, have a conversation first,
of course, go to counseling, but like nineteen, how long
have you not known whether or not he loves you?
Cause that's kind of crazy.
Speaker 5 (09:46):
Yeah, when was the love checked out? Or was it
even there to begin with? That's yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Or was this just kind of like you were young,
you had kids, you maybe were raised in a religious
you know, kind of expectations.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (09:59):
The fact that we get along together is like that
shouldn't be your pause.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Like you guys are kind of roommates, Yeah, not even
very good ones.
Speaker 4 (10:07):
Yeah, well, there's an update. We spoke about it today.
It began with some crappy defensiveness, but calmed down after
a few minutes to regroup. His answer to me was
that in mentioning to him how good my mom was
doing in her grieving process, he interpreted that to mean
my relationship with her was doing good. He actually invited
my sister and brother in law, who couldn't make it
(10:27):
at the last minute. She is late in pregnancy and
has frequent migraines now, And it wasn't just supposed to
be my mom, which makes way more sense to me.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
I told him I was disappointed, but.
Speaker 4 (10:37):
He still abandoned you all day and went downstairs and
played video games alone without you.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
There's really no excuse.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
That's like so flimsy, really no excuse. I told him
I was disappointed. He asked if I wanted to go
out Friday to a movie and dinner. I said no,
I want to do water Park. Yes, so he agreed.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Good.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
He's presently on the website to buy tickets. I also
wanted to address a few of the comments suggesting that
getting along isn't being happy, and it's possible I've phrased
it wrong. We actually have a good time together. It
isn't just non argumentative. It is good. Like he rubs
my back and picks up my prescriptions and notices when
I'm stressed out and asks.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
If I need an afternoon out.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
But if you don't know if he loves you, that
that is a conversation that needs to be had.
Speaker 4 (11:25):
You youth and your love, You youth, I ever loved
each other?
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Don't you know?
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Marriage is about a four oh one K and split
assets and prescription pickups.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
It feels like that is It's like the only thing
holding them together is obligation, and I really don't want
that for uop. I mean again, nineteen years marriage, kids
don't jump, don't run to divorce, that's the first option.
But have conversations about this.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Yeah, we are horrible at conflict resolution. That's it.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
I make his appointments and light the fireplace and make
dinner so it's welcome when he walks into the door.
I'm aware that I'm the partner who cares more. It
is what it is. He's presently watching cartoons and painting
our daughter's nails.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
That's cute.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
My romantic fulfillment isn't the only thing at play here,
and it also isn't an unsolvable problem. I appreciate all
the responses, and there are more relevant comments, Op adding
in the comments, Yes, I know we have issues.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I realize his behavior is not acceptable.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
I also realize that half the problem is that I've
been accepting it. As pathologically defensive as he is, I'm
pathologically averse to conflict. I'll eat something for ten years
because I'm scared to say anything to anyone. Ten years
eaten boiled carrots and mushy peas.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
You're like, so good.
Speaker 4 (12:42):
This is not just him, it's my whole family. I'm
a product of my environment too, And asking how how
is Op's husband around holidays? He's usually pretty decent about holidays.
He stays up to wrap all the presents. I make
a house full of rhyming clues for the kids to
find their Easter basket and Christmas stockings, which he gets
(13:02):
into if he's home. Like when I said idyllic little bubble,
I meant it abandoned. Kid never saw anything like this
up close, so he learns as he goes. Has had
to relearn everything that ever helped him survive, and he's
gotten pasted a lot, mostly through counseling and recovery programs.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
I want to make this as balanced.
Speaker 4 (13:19):
As possible because I hate Reddit stories that paint one
person as a hero and one as a villain by
cherry picking information. I'm aware his faults regarding his temper
are extremely toxic. This is a person with good traits
who will see a single mom and her kids in
line at subway and slip the cashier enough to buy
their whole meal and never be the word that it
was him who cut my dad's lawn an hour away.
(13:41):
When his CHF made it impossible to walk across the yard.
He's ready to apologize after he realizes he's screwed up.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
He doesn't like gaslight me or blame me later.
Speaker 5 (13:52):
Congestive heart failure.
Speaker 4 (13:53):
Dang, thank you, Cheryl, congestive heart failure. Well there's a
second update. So I guess he's just a terrible little
birthday man.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Well, it just seems like he's not fulfilling a lot
of areas of the relationship and she's not bringing it up,
and that's the problem. It's like they just have They
haven't had a conversation in twenty years, you know. That's
and it feels like all of their problems have been
building and building and building because she's too afraid to
talk about it.
Speaker 5 (14:19):
It feels like the relationship got very stale. Yeah, and
everyone just settled. Everyone's like, all right, cool, you're just
you're distracted with your own thing. I'm distracted with the kids.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Literally, She's like, I don't know if he loves me,
but you know, do I need him to love me.
Speaker 5 (14:32):
Yeah. It's like we've been together for so long at
this point, it's just like we're just happy. I mean,
like we can go about our day.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Yeah, five, we feel fine.
Speaker 5 (14:39):
Yeah, we high five each other and we give him
like a little like like hey.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
What's up, you know, to how's it going, sport?
Speaker 5 (14:46):
Literally like a to talk.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
How are you doing, champ? Yeah, all right, let's get
into this. Second update eleven months later, Oh things have happened.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I sure hope so or maybe this We're about to
get another birthday coming up. Yeah, and she's like, I'm
planning my birthday.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
Uh oh stop. Update eleven months later. I'm about to
turn forty two, So time for an update. This past
year we had a point of no return that pushed
us into counseling. It's been nothing like I expected. The
program wherein requires you to stay in your circle, meaning
you can only answer questions about yourself, your habits, beliefs,
(15:24):
and responses, not your partners, just yours. Like I mentioned before,
my religious faith emphasizes faithfulness, humility, and self denial in marriage.
But I've come to realize that codependency isn't a sacrificial virtue.
It's being a self aggrandizing murdyrer, stepping over the boundaries
God does set for the marriage. My biblical advice is
(15:44):
don't don't do that. Forgiveness and patients are important, but
being a doormat and allowing sin in your home is not.
His progress has run parallel to mind. He started recognizing
destructive and harmful patterns as his responsibility, not something I
caused by what I did or said. Whether I made
a benign comment that triggered his PTSD or hypothetically smashed
(16:04):
his windshield with a baseball bat, his reaction was still his.
To own a perceived attack, even a real one, doesn't
justify turning around and hurting me emotionally with his temper.
I reread a lot of the comments on my original post.
Some made wild assumptions, and others hit the nail on
the head. Yes, he was selfish on certain issues, and no,
(16:25):
I didn't have the self esteem or courage to speak
up back then. Now, almost a year later, we've done
some hard things, still doing them, things like being honest
about who we are to ourselves, to God, to our circle,
to each other. It's unfamiliar territory. I feel incredibly vulnerable,
But I don't want my daughters to grow up and
repeat this. I have an obligation to show them that
(16:47):
people can do better if they want to. The other day,
he apologized to our daughters for how he had behaved
in front of them than to our son.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
But first and foremost.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
To me, this turned out really well. I'm really happy
that they finally spoke like it. I like it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
That's just what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
I was like, you know, like, I don't actually mean
divorce because you guys have been together for so long
and I have such like an intertwined life. And also
because you never actually talked about these issues. So don't
jump to divorce or leaving your partner before you've actually
had a conversation, because that kind of communication and relationship
style follows you into your next relationship. Yeah, it doesn't
(17:23):
fix anything. It just isn't like a little band aid.
It's like, Okay, we got rid of the problem, but
you got rid of the symptom, but the underlying problem
is still there.
Speaker 5 (17:32):
Yeah, and it also shows your kids, you know, that
set them up for like what kind of relationship they
want or what they don't want.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
It's like, no, we're not, like, I don't want to
show you guys that it's okay to accept this type
of behavior in a relationship. There should be love and
if there isn't, then either you got to find a
way to fix that or we break up divorce.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
You know exactly, So props to you guys, let's finish
this story.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
We're planning a trip for my birthday without my mother.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
At the end of the day, you know your partner.
I knew he could change. I knew he wasn't just
playing a role. He wanted to be more. He just
lacked the skills. I knew I should change too, but
I told myself I couldn't. It was easier to stay
codependent and anxious and expect him to carry all the weight.
If your partner has the character and commitment to grow,
he can. But if you think the problems have nothing
(18:19):
to do with you, you're wrong. Even if your only
role is allowing them to continue. Forgiveness without accountability is
just permission to do it again.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Bars, bars uhh, I'm snap. What was it? I don't
snaprifice snapper it crackle pop snapped.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Anyway, folks, that's that. That's that. I love it. I
love a story where things get better.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Oh, forgiveness without accountability is just permission to do it again.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Oh but folks, we got another story
to read, and we are going to get into this
next story. I refuse to attend my son's wedding because
of my cheating wife.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
That's a good reason.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
And trigger warning emotional abuse. And also this comes directly
from the r slash okay Storytime Subbert, you're kidding me,
I ain't okay. I fifty three male was married to
my ex fifty one female for twenty three years. We
met in college and had a spark right away. We
had dated for just a short time before we got engaged.
We had a lot of the same goals and beliefs,
(19:23):
same religious beliefs, number of kids we wanted, life goals,
et cetera. We supported each other as we finished college
and had our first son in our last year of college.
By the way, this comes from Just Perspective thirty eight
forty three And if you want to submit your own stories,
go to the r slash okay storytime. Separate it. So
I'm Sophia, I'm Dakota, and I'm Keon. And when I
(19:44):
graduated from college, I was lucky enough to get a
job in a small town near my family. My family
loved my ex. For context, I had a great childhood. Ooh,
looky here.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
Wow, that's real cool to big briches, big show off.
Speaker 5 (19:59):
And look where you you are now.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
My parents were very loving and always supported me. Her
parents were very controlling, and she often told me how
hard her childhood was, and even though she loved her parents,
felt her household growing up was not a healthy environment.
So when my parents and sisters accepted her as just
part of the family, she told me often how much
she loved my family. For the next few years, we
(20:21):
lived a simple life. I was a school teacher, so
we didn't have a lot of money, but we had
a nice home because of some land my parents gave us.
We had three more sons over the next several years.
She was able to be a stay at home mom
while I worked and picked up odd jobs here and
there to help supplement my teaching income. We both grew
up in poorer homes, so money and lavish things just
(20:42):
weren't important to us. We were just happy with our
little family, or so I thought.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Done done done.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Once our boys got a little older, we decided to
invest in a small business in town to be able
to give our boys jobs. Like I said, this is
a small town without a lot of opportunity. We bought
a small restaurant, just a little diner, and gave our
older boys jobs while my parents helped watch our younger boys.
Speaker 4 (21:06):
Nepotism, Wow right, so out outright?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Wow? No, I'm just kidding. That's fine.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
We also hired local high school kids to help as well.
My ex let's call her Nina, would work just part
time hours while the kids were in school, then turn
it over to our nighttime manager so she could be
home with the kids. II let's call me. Craig was
transferred to a school in a town about twenty to
thirty minute drive away. But I would help in the
business on weekends and holidays and whenever I could.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Good Jay, that's good on you, Craig.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Goods on, Craig.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Craig.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I also took care of all of the money side
of the business, so Nina just had to worry about
the day to day. We seem to be having a
great marriage. At least I was happy.
Speaker 4 (21:49):
Hey, when Craig's happy, everyone's happy except Nina.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Fast forward to twenty years into our marriage. Nina comes
to me and tells me she's upset with my family.
Her parents had recently retired to our state from another
state about a five hour drive away. She tells me
she's moving and taking the boys and doesn't care if
I go or not. What you can't just do that?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
You can't do that.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I was floored. I asked her what the issues were
with my family, and she just said that she never
really felt comfortable with them and wanted to be closer
to her parents. I tried to get more, but that's
all she would give me. I didn't want to lose
my family, so I agreed. I started looking for teaching
jobs in the new city and was able to find
one right away, so we sold our home and our
business and packed up and moved in with her parents.
(22:38):
It feels like y'all didn't have any plan. You just left.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
Is she doing this because she already cheated, or is
she doing this so she can get closer to the
person she wants to cheat with.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
I don't know. I don't know. Is she trying to
get further away from her cheating partner or closer it's
the question. My boys did not like the move, especially
the fact that we had to move in with her parents.
They're not very loving with my boys, and even though
they said they were happy to have us, they seemed
annoyed every minute we were there. Luckily, we were only
there for three months before we were able to get
(23:08):
into a nice house from the sale of our house
and business, nicer than anything we had ever had. Finally,
I thought Nina would be happy.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Nope.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
As soon as we got settled into the new house,
she began to get distant. Our spicy sleep life became nonexistent.
Everything I did annoyed her. We had always been a
religious family, but she stopped going to church with us.
I tried to talk with her, ask her to go
to counseling, but she just insisted nothing was wrong. That
would be the most frustrating thing to me. And because
(23:39):
something is wrong, I'm telling you something's wrong. I don't
like how this is going. There's a problem. Nu Uh,
you can't say nothing's wrong. I don't care if you
think nothing's wrong. I'm telling you something is wrong.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
But what if I said Nahuh?
Speaker 3 (23:52):
What if I uner reverse said no, there's nothing wrong anything?
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Now you go nope? Nah?
Speaker 3 (23:59):
After over a year a year and a half of this,
I finally had had enough. I sat her down and
said we had to talk. She told me that she
loved me, but she wasn't in love with me anymore.
I was obviously devastated. I asked her what I had
done and she just said she was just a different
personnel or she was with a different person.
Speaker 4 (24:18):
Yo, I'm a different person because I've been with a
different person.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
I've been cheated on you. Oh. At the time, she
was working and I was working two jobs to make
sure we could make ends meet. I didn't know how
we were going to go through divorce and afford to live.
I just went in my room and cried. I didn't
sleep that night. The next day just happened to be
Father's Day. I went for a drive and I called
home to tell my dad Happy Father's Day and told
(24:45):
them what had happened the night before. Happy Father's Day, Dad,
my wife's leaving me.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Happy Father's Day.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Dad.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Esus skunk, Jesus skunk. She's a skink stinker.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
My dad proceeds to tell me that he needed to
tell me. Oh no, oh, no, Nina had been cheating
on me. One of our high school employees, Oh, who
was a daughter of my dad's best friend, had left
or purse at our restaurant one night and went back
to get it. When she walked in to get it,
(25:17):
she caught my ex and a guy in the back
room having spicy sleep. I'm glad, I finished that sentence. Yeah,
me too, almost really concerning. She told her dad and
he told my dad. He told me he didn't want
to tell me because he didn't want to break up
our marriage. But since she was already ending it, I
should know, why didn't you tell him? I would be
(25:37):
so upset with my father if he didn't tell me this.
If he knew this and didn't say anything. I wonder
if it's like religious like cultural stuff kind of, you know,
they said that they were both religious, they go to church.
Maybe he was like, I don't want to lead to
a divorce if I can help it. But come on,
come on.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
What are you gonna do, buddy?
Speaker 4 (25:57):
Are you gonna like put on a mission impossible mask
and I pretend to be the other guy.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Wall, it's over.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
It's over.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
She's banging buddy in the back of the restaurant. Oh boy,
that's unsanitary.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
By the way.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Yeah, you're gonna drop some grades on that restaurant.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
You know something in that restaurant.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Eoo, yeah, dad, that sucks. That was not cool. I
just went numb. I think I just hung up the
phone and stared out my car window. I drove back
home and texted my ex to please meet me in
the car. She came to the car and I told
her what I knew. She tried to deny it, but
I told her how I knew, and she finally admitted it.
(26:36):
I asked her who, and it was one of the
guys from our couple friends we used to hang out with.
I used to golf with him all the time. It
was like a knife in the back. She had no
emotion as she was telling me this, But now the
past two years all made sense. Why she wanted to
move away, why she was so distant. The next week,
I just went through the motions. I called a therapist
and just bared my soul. It didn't help. I didn't
(26:59):
know what to do. After a week, I started to
think about things in our relationship, things I had seen, heard,
suspected over the years, and just blew them off because
I trusted her. I confronted her and basically told her
I was sure he wasn't the only one. I guess
the guilt finally got to her because she finally had
a look of remorse for the first.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Oh oh no, the damn is breaking. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
She then began the trickle through he wasn't the only one.
At first, it was three, then five, and finally seven.
She had seven affair partners over four years. She was
basically using our restaurant as her own personal wre.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
House, her own personal silly goose factory.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
No wonder, there's extra cream in the back ew.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
That's crazy. You're employing your kids there, and you're telling
me that that. No one ever found out until that
one high school kid.
Speaker 5 (27:55):
This crab did.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
What did this wreck?
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Any guy that would show interest, she would base sickly
spread her legs for them. I also found out that
one of the guys was an ex con ice stealer,
and she was smoking ice with them as well. Understand,
we don't even drink, smoke nothing. I mean, yeah, they're
regular church goers. I would assume you weren't. She also
contracted an STI and told me that she had a UTI,
(28:20):
so I would stay away from her while she was
taking medication to clear it up. Yikes, go get tested. Ope.
I asked her if she ever used protection with any
of them, and she said, no.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
You idiots, okay a no sah.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
From that point on, for the next two months, I
was just in robot mode. I got tested for sdis
and fortunately was negative. I couldn't eat or sleep. I
lost thirty pounds in less than a month. She begged
me not to tell her parents or our kids. They
probably know. I can't even remember agreeing to this. Because
of finances, I agreed to use a mediator instead of
(29:00):
lawyers for the divorce.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Big mistake.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
She definitely took advantage of my state of mind. She
ended up keeping the house and fifty to fifty custody
of the kids. Dang. I moved into an apartment about
five minutes away. Because I was working two full time jobs.
I ended up paying child support for my two youngest kids.
My two oldest had graduated by now. This left me
with four years of child support. I just agreed because
(29:25):
I wanted it all to be over. There is a
little bit left of this story, ouch, ouch. I would
be so angry with my father if he knew for
seemingly a while that she was cheating on me. Just
puts you in danger fully put you in danger. Could
have contracted ANSTI. If you know that people are getting
cheated on, let him know, especially if your children and
(29:49):
or family member or close friend. Let him know you
don't want them to get an STI do you anyway,
there's a little bit left to this. She sucks.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
She needs to go get her stink glands unstunk because
she's a dirty little skunk lady.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
And I hate so much that she finessed you out
of the house.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
That sucks.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
More. Child, you know, custody and out of.
Speaker 4 (30:17):
Your house, lawyer, my house. We moved because you cheated
on me with seven guys my house.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
There's a little bit left don here.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
We're gonna get back to this juicy story, but a
quick three minute break of aths from our sponsors.
Speaker 3 (30:31):
We are now in a bigger city, so I do
not see her at all. My kids are now all adults.
Two of them now know, two of them still do not.
I forgot the name of this story. Her parents still
think I was the cause of it all. I would
tell them. I would tell them I have not had
contact with her for almost six years. When I've seen
her in passing, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.
(30:53):
Even to this day, I have not been able to
hold onto a relationship for more than three months. Yes,
I am in therapy, but I am a mess for sure.
She was the love of my life. Even though time
has made it better, I still find myself lost at times.
Now my son is getting married. I know he wants
us both there, but I don't think I can be
in the same room with her and her fani Roski.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
You are still entirely lost. Yeah, you are still You
were never not lost.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
You are constantly lost right now, constantly you let is
she still? She's still doing scheduled narcotics? Do you know?
Speaker 4 (31:27):
Did the judge know that is a good Does her
family know that she's cheated on you with seven men
without using protection? We know they don't tell them.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
That is a great point. She was doing like she
was regularly using and still got fifty you know, fifty
others custody of the kids.
Speaker 5 (31:45):
Yeah, you don't owe her a damn no, brother.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
I know it's selfish, but I think I will be
physically sick at the sight of her. I don't know
what to do. I am sure I will get over it, dude,
but I don't know what to do. Brother.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
If you get physically sick, just make sure it's on her.
Just make sure you direct it ato at her.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
I have tried to talk to my son about it,
but he thinks I'm overreacting. What do I do?
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Does he know they need to all know the truth?
Silly goose man?
Speaker 3 (32:12):
If he doesn't know, you need to tell them, brother.
Speaker 5 (32:15):
Yeah, this is one of those times where like, oh
it's a little secret. No, people need to understand why
you're feeling like this. Yeah, you don't need to do
this so you can make your make her feel better.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
I mean, maybe maybe this is what you need. Maybe
you need people to know that it wasn't you who
like caused all of this. But folks, that's the end
of that story, and we've got another one. I do
think everyone should know, But I think it's there is
a way to tell them. I think that you know.
I mean, you can't talk to your wife anymore clearly,
so maybe like have your I feel like I don't know.
(32:47):
I feel like if two of your kids know, I
feel like your other kids would know, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Yeah, it's I feel like I don't know.
Speaker 5 (32:52):
Also, they hope you did say, like they're a little
bit older, like they're maybe they wanted to hide it,
but like at this point, and maybe two of them
are really close with mom. But like even at that point,
it what's the point, you know, who's this for At
the end of the day, do what's best for you.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Yeah, and keep going to therapy because you clearly need it.
Speaker 5 (33:11):
Yeah, this was one of ours.
Speaker 3 (33:13):
So it's just like, oh, I.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Forgot from my perspective the Jedi are you?
Speaker 3 (33:19):
I forgot it was one of our own people.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
I didn't.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Oh, please get.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
It, brother, I'm not. The gloves are not on off.
The gloves are win to the so much when you're
mad or when you're glad.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
Either way, cold water.
Speaker 4 (33:35):
You've got massive problems to figure out regarding what happened
with you and your ex wife.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
And I guess I mean, if you truly, like, I'll
give you more real advice, if you truly cannot go
to this wedding because you will have a panic attack,
tell your child that say like, hey, I understand you
might not see it as such, but like, I've been
going to therapy for this and I really want to
be there for you, but I think that it would
cause more of a scene me being there. Yeah, you know,
(34:02):
it's like it's not like, oh I hate her so
much that I yeah, I just would yell at her.
It's like I literally physically can't be in the same
room with her without having this physical reaction. And hopefully
your kid will understand. But be honest, you know it's
been years. I think that you can give that honesty
without it being like negative for the kids. But ouch,
(34:24):
good luck, Opy. We love you.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Best of luck, Opy, good luck.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
So we're going to get into this next story.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Oh boy. This one's also from the subreddit.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
I hope it's not so sad.
Speaker 4 (34:36):
My boyfriend prioritizes his baby mama over me.
Speaker 3 (34:40):
Well, he should be your ex boyfriend. We had a
baby with her, that's true.
Speaker 4 (34:45):
I have been part of the Okay fan since before
Riley was a part of the show.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Who longtime Okay fan and listen every day And I'm
hoping you guys can help me as I really value
your thoughts in opinion.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
Okay, I'm gonna locking in, lock in. He did have
a baby with her, though, we'll see. My boyfriend and
I have been together for six years, living together for five.
We're both forty one, with one son each from previous relationships.
My son is sixteen, an honor student starting his first job,
always helpful and generally working hard to become a successful adult.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
His dad barely.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
Sees him and has been in and out of prison
for the last eleven years since our divorce.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Our son doesn't want to be like him.
Speaker 4 (35:26):
By the way, this comes from user future np doctor,
and if you want to submit your own stories, go
to the r slash Okay storytime sub bred it. I'm Dakota, I'm.
Speaker 5 (35:34):
Sophia, I'm Keon, and let's see.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
What ops to say.
Speaker 4 (35:38):
So, my boyfriend's son just turned twelve, makes good grades
now and is much more well behaved than he used
to be In kindergarten, the school only allowed him half days,
and he repeated it a second time.
Speaker 3 (35:49):
Due to this behavior, his kids repeat kindergarten.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
That's all right, You're like, we can't handle your kid.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
He's only allowed to be here half the day. It
sounds like a skill issue with the kindergarten more than.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
A problem with your Can you figure it out?
Speaker 5 (36:02):
I repeated preschool, So.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
I got nothing funny to say about that.
Speaker 5 (36:06):
That one's kind of me.
Speaker 3 (36:07):
I know, thot, I know a lot of guys who
repeatd because of behavior issues. Is that?
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Do I know why you didn't?
Speaker 3 (36:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (36:15):
Do you want to say I just didn't talk? I
didn't talk, and my parents thought like, he's like, oh no,
he doesn't know how to talking.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
He just wasn't.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
I was just very anxious. I was a very shy kid.
I just didn't like talking.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
You know why.
Speaker 5 (36:27):
All I did was point Golton, you know.
Speaker 4 (36:29):
Why, because the ghosts were too busy talking to you.
You couldn't make your own sentences. But you don't remember.
Speaker 5 (36:35):
Anymore as Yeah. All My mom was like, you didn't
really talk until you're like four or five, and all
you did was point stuff and what hmmm. I was like,
oh that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Have you ever heard this?
Speaker 3 (36:45):
No?
Speaker 5 (36:45):
Ok?
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (36:47):
So, he couldn't keep his hands to himself at school
and during pee wee football, constantly getting into trouble for
not listening. He was in trouble at school constantly, even
pulling the fire alarm once whoa. Finally, the school pushed
his mom to put him on eighty eight dem DS
and he calmed down.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
He just had ADHD.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
He just needed stimulant medicine.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
He just needed to be medicaated.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
He just needed amphetamines. Yes.
Speaker 4 (37:10):
Now he is very well behaved, respectful and makes good
grades and helps when asked the issue with him is
that as a typical twelve year old boy, he's completely
engrossed in electronics. He barely comes out of his room
to eat, he used the bathroom, or even speak.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
He's just beeping and booping. He's making beet boop, zeepsorp noises.
Speaker 3 (37:27):
Honestly, I feel like, if your child's not coming out
of the room because they're playing video games, do we
take those video games away?
Speaker 5 (37:34):
No? Mom?
Speaker 4 (37:35):
I feel like, no, mom, video games taking gold pro.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
I don't want my kid to be locked in the room.
Speaker 4 (37:41):
Also, it's not video games, it's electronics. What if he's
building robots, Sofia, you're just making an assumption.
Speaker 3 (37:46):
Well, he's got to build him outside.
Speaker 2 (37:47):
I don't understand boy technology.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
I was. I lived with a boy, I live my boys.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
I couldn't even keep his straight face. That's such a
ridiculous thing to say.
Speaker 3 (37:58):
Waiting on my kid's gonna be I'm gonna lock the door.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
You're gonna lock the door and.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
They're gonna stay outside.
Speaker 4 (38:07):
Oh, Jerna actually locked the door and play the games
in their room and go oh this is so fun,
and they're gonna.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
Go yeah, yeah, please. My mom just told me to
play out. She would give me her mom told you
to touch clue and and and I would make little
houses for fairies. And then I would bring all my
littlest pet shops outside, and I would use Djenga blocks,
and I would create houses with my friends and they
would all be It would be great.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
Actually it was lit man.
Speaker 3 (38:36):
I was creating houses out of rocks and sticks in mud.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
It's incredible. Yeah, that's girl technology.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Yes, girl technology is the stone age.
Speaker 4 (38:47):
Okay, So he's not coming out of his room an
unhealthy level of not coming out of the room. Even
though we've had talks multiple times about bathing and teeth brushing,
he still has to be told every single time, or
he never would. I don't believe we should have to
tell him each day to brush his teeth, bathe, and
put on clean clothes.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
By the way, he's on stimulant medication, so you kind
of do.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
Yeah, it's not just like I feel like, I will say,
because we know that he has ADHD and he's twelve,
I think that this is you know, we actually do
have to tell him every day to do those things.
And maybe there's ways that we can work around us
where we like get him into a habit and we
have a routine that is a little bit more normalized.
But I do think also, because again he is ADHD,
(39:27):
you can be more likely to kind of get locked
into like an obsessive with things like video games.
Speaker 4 (39:33):
So I yeah, and the medication can do that too.
You also, Yeah, medication can not necessarily make you hyper
focus on.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Studying or being a good little boy.
Speaker 4 (39:43):
It could make you hyper focus on whatever he's doing
in there.
Speaker 3 (39:46):
Yeah, I think he probably just needs a lot more
attention from you guys than maybe a kid who didn't
have his you know, set of like medical or like
a ADHD and stuff.
Speaker 4 (39:59):
When I try to force consequences, they never get upheld
by his dad when I'm not home, which is a lot.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
See, that's a problem.
Speaker 4 (40:05):
He's not a self starter, even though he's smart. A
homework assignment that should take twenty minutes will take several
hours with one of us adults constantly standing over him
and fussing to get it done. He has a mom
that is always in his life. There is no legal
custody agreement. They share him equally and allow him to
go between houses as he wants, which is fine, except
his mom lives about an hour away with her parents
(40:26):
since they split. This can sometimes cause hardship with transportation
in school, but we've.
Speaker 2 (40:30):
Made it work. Most of the work falls on my
boyfriend and me. He pays her child.
Speaker 4 (40:34):
Support every week of his own accord, because we believe
that's what he should do as a dad. We also
pay for ninety percent of school trips, the yearbook every year,
one hundred percent of school supplies, and half the cost
of his after school program. Baby Mama even called saying
twelve year old had no clothes at her house because
of a growth spurt. We went and bought him new clothes,
then bought more and sent them to her house.
Speaker 3 (40:56):
Oh and also really quick, just for you guys, the
characters are not named Dakota and Sofia. We just are
doing this new thing where we tell you, guys are
names for our podcast listeners.
Speaker 4 (41:09):
Oh god, and tldrs picking up our yeah names.
Speaker 3 (41:13):
Yes, yeah, just to be clear, because someone I think
earlier asked if the characters were named Dakota and Sophia.
They are not. We are Dakota and Sofia.
Speaker 4 (41:22):
Their sons are excelling academically as also a horrible TLDR.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
Anyway, she claims she couldn't afford new clothes, even though
she has a job and no bills because her parents
pay everything, including her car insurance and cell phone bill,
and give.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Her the car that she drives.
Speaker 4 (41:38):
I grew up in a blended family where the kids
weren't treated equally, so I've made it a point to
always treat our boys equally. My boyfriend doesn't always do that,
but tries his best. He and Baby Mama. I have
always treated twelve year old like a small child. Boyfriend
is just now starting to treat him like the preteen
he is. At baby Mama's. He doesn't have his own
room and still shares a bed with her because there
(41:58):
isn't a room for him and no chance of her
moving out since she's helping care for her mom who
has cancer.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
I mean, I know they haven't done a custody agreement,
but I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to provide like
if they went the legal route you I'm pretty sure
you're supposed to provide them.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
Like they did bed they did not go to the legal.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, because they went around it.
I guess she doesn't have to do that, but I
correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure if
you are trying to get custody, you have to prove
that you have like a bed for your.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Child, couch couch.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
Yeah, I mean your twelve year old boys shouldn't be
sleeping every night with his mom if you can, if
you have another option, you can.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Put a tent in the living room with a sleeping bag.
That'll be fun.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
Yeah. I don't want to say I put it out back.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Get him outside of that electronics room. Yeah, in the backyard.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
Yeah, there's circumstances. Okay, where is okay or not okay,
but where it makes sense because you don't have a
lot of money or like financial reasons blah blah blah.
But if there is another option in this case, dad,
then he shouldn't be sleeping in the bed with his mom.
Yeah that, James Pon says. I'm pretty sure it's illegal.
I'm pretty sure if they had gone through the legal route,
it probably would not have been allowed.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (43:06):
Twelve year old hates not having his own space and
being treated like a five year old, so he recently
started spending more time in our house, where he has
his own room. The kids got out of school last
week and are starting back August eleventh. For the entire
summer he's been with us except maybe two weeks. And
boyfriend still pays child support every week. What I don't
know if this is okay.
Speaker 3 (43:27):
It's because they didn't get the legal routes. I mean,
he's giving all of these things that he thinks he
needs to do, but you don't need to do that.
Speaker 2 (43:33):
He's not there. He's not kid's not there.
Speaker 3 (43:36):
You were paying her money when the kid, when your
kid was staying there, and she's not even using that
money to give him a space, like you should be
get just give that money your girl, forgive the money
to pay Yeah, why are you paying your ex?
Speaker 4 (43:48):
Maybe it's to help take care of her parents. Yeah,
but like that's not then that's different. No ops, it's
not just.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
The child support payment. That's a different thing.
Speaker 3 (43:56):
I think because you're one of our own, go have
a conversation with your boyfriend and say, like, normally, when
you have a custody agreements, which you guys don't have,
like a formal one, you're supposed to provide your child
with a space, a bed. There are a lot of requirements.
He doesn't have that. As mom's we can provide that here.
Speaker 4 (44:14):
Well, I think it's already his prerogative that the kid
is the one who decides where he wants to be.
So it's like, if the kid doesn't want to be there,
he doesn't, which is like, right, he can.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
Just stay here.
Speaker 3 (44:24):
So again, well, but that's further point. If he's not
staying there, then you also don't have to pay child
support for a child that you're already supporting.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Exactly.
Speaker 4 (44:33):
His ex is very self absorbed and hard to deal with,
so he hates talking to her because he hates confrontation.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
It's easier than fighting with her.
Speaker 4 (44:41):
Recently, baby Mama has been in the hospital for about
two weeks.
Speaker 2 (44:44):
It started with a fall where she couldn't get up.
Speaker 4 (44:47):
She is a bigger girl, about three hundred pounds, so
we thought she couldn't get up because of that, But
when they took her to the hospital, she said she
was numb from the neck down and couldn't support her
weight to stand or walk, and was barely able to
feed herself.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
God, did she just paralyze?
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Well that's extreme.
Speaker 3 (45:01):
Well, now she definitely can't care for the child. Well yeah,
well I'm just saying, don't like.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Well, no, I just yeah, yeah, accurate.
Speaker 4 (45:09):
She's thirty seven and has a few other issues, but
nothing that should be causing this. She's been transferred between
multiple hospitals because no one can figure out what's going on.
When we found out, we knew twelve year old would
be staying with us indefinitely until she's better. Boyfriend and
I had a conversation about school since it's about to start.
We decided going to the middle school five minutes from
our house instead of an hour away where her parents live,
(45:29):
would be the best option, since it's our responsibility to
care for him, not theirs. She can't care for herself,
much less a child. He brought up homeschool during our
conversation because she had mentioned it.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
I reminded him what.
Speaker 4 (45:41):
A nightmare homeschooling was during the pandemic and how bad
it is just to do normal homework with twelve year old.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
I also think, like for him specifically for what he needs,
that would not be helpful, like for having like a
child with ADHD who like I just don't I don't
think that would necessarily be helpful.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
Agreed, unless you.
Speaker 3 (46:01):
Can provide like so much care, like you would have
to be on it for everything.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
You'd have to like handcuff his hand to your hand
so you could grab the pencil and write stuff for him,
because just gonna be so distracted at all.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
Absolutely, I mean the amount of effort that you're putting
into like telling him to shower, telling him to brush
his teeth. You're gonna have to do that level for
all of his studies. So like, be ready if you're
going to do that.
Speaker 2 (46:26):
Hey, it's John here. We're gonna get back to the stories.
Put a quick three minute ad break from our sponsors
that keep the show going.
Speaker 4 (46:32):
I also asked him to consider how we would have
time for homeschooling. He works five nights a week midnight
to eight am, and sleeps daily from ten or eleven
until six or seven. I'm currently in school for my
doctor Nurse practice to become a nurse practitioner and have
both clinical and class and homework, plus my full time job.
Speaker 2 (46:53):
At the local hospital.
Speaker 4 (46:54):
I also have a total care disabled brother that lives
with us with my mom and we help care for them.
Plus I have a side hustle as a baker for
extra income.
Speaker 2 (47:03):
Okay, so you have your mom does it all.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
You are caring for your brother you're caring for a
child who has a lot of needs specifically, that's tough.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
Yep, don't know how you do it.
Speaker 3 (47:13):
You a lot on you and your baking.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
How does she do it?
Speaker 3 (47:16):
How does she do it?
Speaker 4 (47:17):
We don't have time for homeschool and it's toxic just
doing normal homework, so we don't have the patience either.
He agreed during our talk and said he would let
baby Mama know we could transfer him to our nearby
middle school when he took twelve year old to see
her at the hospital. When he came home, he was
complaining of a stomach ache and went to bed, then
got up and went to work without telling me how
the conversation went. I assumed he's stuck to what we
(47:39):
talked about. The next morning, he called me on the
way home from work, as he always does. After talking
for about ten minutes with no mention of the hospital trip,
I finally asked if he was ever going.
Speaker 2 (47:49):
To tell me what happened.
Speaker 4 (47:50):
He responded that they had talked about it and would
be trying home schooling.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
Yeah, did you think that one was just going to
fly under the radar? My guy?
Speaker 4 (47:57):
So he lied, Why does it matter what she has?
To say she's not taking care of your kid, like.
Speaker 3 (48:03):
It really doesn't matter what she has to say. She
does not have the funds, nor the time or the
space to take care of your kid.
Speaker 4 (48:09):
She is numb from the neck down, or she's not
homeschooling your kid she.
Speaker 3 (48:13):
Doesn't have the time space. What was the third one?
Speaker 2 (48:16):
I continuum?
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Dang it? Function was the fourth one?
Speaker 2 (48:19):
I was gonna have ad Okay. I was angry, hurt,
and upset.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
I asked why after our conversation, was that the decision,
and he stated she wanted to try it to see
if it worked. We argued and got off the phone
since I was at work. I have friends who homeschool,
so I know more than the average person with no
exposure to it. But even with that basic knowledge, I
know this isn't what's best for twelve year old. I've
been a nurse for twenty two years and have studied
childhood development several times. I have an ADNBSN MSN, NBC,
(48:48):
and I am now working on my DNP. I am
currently in my pediatrics rotation. I know that living with
us full time suddenly and not getting to see his
mom and grandparents as often, plus his mom being sick
and him changing from elementary to middle school are a
lot of life changes very fast. This can be traumatic
if not handled with care. Add to that his need
(49:08):
for structure. I feel like homeschooling will be detrimental and
then he'll be behind and struggle in school. Correct I
would assume I'm no doctor, nurse practitioner, but yeah, it
sounds like.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
The child needs to go to school.
Speaker 3 (49:22):
I think you sit your partner down and you say, hey,
I don't know, like if you're planning to homeschool him,
but I can't do that. Just say like, I cannot
do that. If you were expecting me to do it,
I cannot and I will not. So you're gonna have
to do it all because your baby mom's not gonna help,
So it's gonna be on you. Do you have time
to do that? Yep.
Speaker 2 (49:41):
I hope you enjoy never sleeping.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
Again because I'm not doing it.
Speaker 4 (49:45):
Either you do it all or we both get arrested
for truancy. I spent the day at work thinking about
this and did a literal five minute Google search to
learn more about homeschooling than I went home and tried
to talk to boyfriend. I started by asking what program
would be used to homeschool. Would it be through the
mail or online? If online? Do they know the state laws?
We live in North Carolina and she lives in South Carolina.
(50:05):
Some states require online classes and attendance, and who would
be buying the computer? I also asked if they knew
homeschooling wasn't just sit and do work. You're basically teaching
yourself and it requires trips to co ops to meet
other homeschoolers and do hands on portions of work. To
all these questions, he responded, I don't know. Come on,
(50:26):
so you're.
Speaker 3 (50:26):
Not doing it, then you guys are doing some like
these parents are not up, but like your boyfriend is
doing such a disservice to his son, and it's really
it's really upsetting. This kid is not getting the help
that he needs.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
True.
Speaker 4 (50:39):
So I asked what he and baby Mama talked about then,
and he responded, I don't know what you want from me.
Speaker 2 (50:44):
I want the kid to go to school.
Speaker 3 (50:46):
She's told you what she wants from you.
Speaker 2 (50:48):
You know exactly what I want from you. I want
you to say we're gonna send the kid of school.
Speaker 3 (50:52):
Pretty straightforward. Put the middle dry five minutes away, pretty
cut and dry.
Speaker 4 (50:57):
I said, I expected that you went to talk to
her and come home with a plan. I'm willing to
try anything if there's a good plan in place. I
told him that since he wouldn't tell me about the conversation,
all I could do was go on my assumptions. To me,
it appeared as if he completely forgot about our conversation
when with her and just rolled over.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
And agreed to do what she wants.
Speaker 4 (51:15):
The only reason she wants to homeschool is to try
to keep twelve year old from living with us. He's
told us he has to go ask if he can
come to our house, like asking to go to a friend's,
and if she says no, then he can't come. We argued,
and I yelled, which I know isn't right, But when
he asked me not to yell, I quit and tried
to more calmly explain.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
I said, if we.
Speaker 4 (51:35):
Took all other issues out, like her choice, my choice,
and even what's best for the twelve year old, I
just didn't understand the logistics of how it would work.
I told him why not put him in public school?
And when we found out more about what her health
future looks like, then consider homeschool that way, at least
he wouldn't get behind he shot this down.
Speaker 3 (51:54):
Oh, this would be so incredibly frustrating for me, Like,
I'm so sorry it'ld be that you have to deal
it because I mean, you are the only one who
apparently cares about this kid's future, but you don't even
get like the main say, because you're not his parent,
even though you're the one parenting the most. So frustrating.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
Yes, I would have a completely.
Speaker 3 (52:15):
Different view on my partner personally after this whole fiasca.
Speaker 4 (52:19):
I would we have a little bit left here, let's
finish it off. I feel like he's putting her opinion
above mine when it's our family that it will one
hundred percent effect. She's in the hospital for who knows
how long and can't do any of the legwork for
her home school other than putting her first just so
he doesn't have to have a confrontation. He really is
the best partner and does so much to help me.
(52:41):
Without him, I couldn't do all the things I do
for school and work, which I do for our family's future.
But I don't think he considers our future. This has
really put a strain on our relationship. Since it happened
a couple days ago, we haven't really spoken much or
even touched each other. I'm hurt and constantly feel like
vomiting or crying, which I have been doing a lot of.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
What do I do?
Speaker 4 (53:00):
Am I the a hole and making this a bigger
issue than it is. I don't want to end the relationship.
I think you need to be like, why are we
letting her dick? She's not his mother, is not apparent
to him, yeah, and is incapable of doing the things
that she's suggesting you to do. So you're basically just
saying what that I have to stop doing every It's
(53:20):
just not gonna work. There's a solution that works, and
this solution that doesn't, homeschool's not gonna work.
Speaker 3 (53:24):
I think that you, I know you've already done it,
like you've done everything that we've suggested, honestly, But I
think because you have the thing of like feeling like
you needed to yell, which I get because this is
so frustrating. But I think you write down all of
your points. You say one, she is his are your
son's mom is not able to like she does, She's
not physically able to take care of him. She doesn't
(53:45):
have a space, so you know, he needs to be here.
I'm not going to have the time to homeschool him.
These are the steps and things that like, just like
write it all out. These are what you need to
fulfill if you homeschool your child. Can you do these?
Do you have the time to do these? Do you
have like the you know where with all the know how,
et cetera to figure all this out? And if you
(54:07):
think it, if you think that you could do it, fine,
that's your kid. But I'm not going to be helping
you homeschool your child when I don't think it's the
right solution. Yes, and just like have that all written
out so you don't even have to go to like
the anger. And at that point if he does try
and put it on you, then I would reconsider the relationship.
It's frustrating though, very frustrating.
Speaker 2 (54:28):
Yeah, I would.
Speaker 4 (54:29):
Also there's a lot of comments saying it's time for
a formal custody agreement agreed.
Speaker 3 (54:34):
Yeah, maybe that's the thing to approach it with. It's like, hey,
I know you guys didn't want to do a formal
custody agreement, but this is just not working for your kid.
Speaker 2 (54:41):
Bring that up, and.
Speaker 3 (54:43):
Also like bring up, your child sleeping in the bed
with his mom at twelve years old is not benefiting him.
But that is the end of that story and the
end of this episode. So if you love us, make
sure to subscribe We love you, and see it tomorrow
Hey, this is Sam, this is John, and we are
the founding hosts of Okay Storytime podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
And we have some foundational stories coming up for you.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
But the thing is this foundation needs a little support
from these sponsors. So stick around two minutes.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
And we'll get into the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
My husband always ruins my birthday.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
You're not invited to my birthday party.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Canceled from coming to my birthday party. I thought you
were gonna do a third one.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
It is my forty one female birthday.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Happy birth today today, Happy birthday, Happy boar birthday.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
My husband, forty nine male of nineteen years can be
an ale.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I don't need anyone to tell me that.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
His crappy behavior is few and far between, though most
of the time we get along.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
We love each other the spices.
Speaker 4 (00:48):
Sleep is great and fairly frequent. He's very unselfish in
the boudoir and helps out around the house and jumps
in with the kids whenever needed. Generally a good husband
with some bad quality. By the way, this comes from
user accurate Swimmer three twenty six and if you want
usbmit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay
Storytime subreddit.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
I'm Dakota I'm Sophia.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
And I'm Keon, and let's see what ops to say.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
The problem arises when we try to resolve conflict. He
becomes extremely defensive to the point of aggression. Hence this post.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Your husband sounds bad.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Sounds bad. And also I did the math twenty and
twenty eight. Not crazy, but if he's acting like this,
bad sounds a little not great.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
Last year, on my birthday, I didn't quote tell him
clearly enough what I wanted while we were planning the evening.
He ended up snapping at me and then giving me
then the silent treatment, the snilent treatment. It's when you
snap and give him the silence snapy. I hate the
snilent treatment. I cried while driving myself and our kids
(01:54):
to the trampoline park.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
That's where I wanted to go. I love it, he
does it.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
That sounds like so much much fun.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Yeah, how do you hate a trampoline park?
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Are you gonna hit a trampline park? Are you? Are
you just not? You have no joy in your heart
to lose. I really want to go back to the
trampoline park now that I have muscles.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
He's afraid of the what so I.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Can do the Ninja Warrior section.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
There's a ninja warrior, so you need muscles to go
to the trampoline, gares I, when you would jump, would
you just like collapse?
Speaker 5 (02:23):
Like?
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Ah, the jumping part anyway.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
That's why he doesn't like the trampoline parts. He's not
strong enough.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
This year, I was clear.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
I said I wanted to go to the pool or
maybe that adventure park nearby. Think David Busters, but with
a zip line sick. He told me not to plan
anything because he had a surprise.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
Honestly, he needs to stop planning things or surprising you. Yeah,
you need to plan everything just so you can have
a fun day.
Speaker 4 (02:47):
Yeah, clearly this guy is not He doesn't know what
you like, not equipped to plan. While I was out
running a quick errand with my daughter today, he called
me and told me to come home because the surprise
was almost there. The surprise was he invited my mother
over for the day. My mother and I aren't close.
She's emotionally cold and distant, sometimes flat out rude. He
(03:09):
knows this. Our relationship is unfulfilling. It best disappointing. At worst,
she'll literally pretend I'm not speaking and start talking to
someone else. Mid sentence, we don't spend time together, and
it's not like he likes her either. So far, today
we had twenty minutes at the table for cake, then
he went into the hot tub alone, and now he's
downstairs playing video games. I'm stuck here with my mom,
(03:30):
who will probably stay until bad time.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
It feels like he hired a babysitter who you don't
like for you.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
This is an adult.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
So that he didn't have to hang out with you.
Speaker 4 (03:40):
Hiring the OP to babysit you, and the OP is
your mom in the OP, which is unfortunate.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Truly, I don't understand, because he could just let you
go if you really hated the Chaplain park. It's still
insane that he won't come to you on your birth
like come with you on your birthday. But he could
just let you go with the kids and then plan
something nice after you come back.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
He's like, I don't want to feel left out while
you guys enjoy all the trampolines that I hate.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
He's not even spending time with you, so why not
let you do something that you want to do.
Speaker 5 (04:09):
Yeah, this guy sucks.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
I feel like my day is ruined.
Speaker 4 (04:14):
I'm seething In all fairness to him, he did buy
me flowers and several pieces of coach jewelry, even though
I don't wear jewelry, which he knows.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
So it's useless.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
Useless.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
It feels like he threw money at the day, invited
my mom over to babysit me, and now he's off
the hook to do whatever he wants. I feel angry
and overlooked, handled, and then abandoned.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well, yeah, that's exactly what he did.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
That's exactly what he did birthday. That's exactly what he
dia birthday.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
How do I bring this up without it turning into
a huge fight, fight fight, Let them fight. I want
to talk, not trigger a blow up, but I'm furious.
Please give me a blueprint for how to handle this.
And we have some relevant comments, But how would you
handle this?
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Sofia, Okay, Honestly, nothing I've heard about this guy has
been anything pleasant. She said. He's good sometimes, but for
the most part, he's kind of not good. So divorce,
I'm just kidding. No, you've been married for nineteen years
and you have kids. Don't divorce yet. But I think
that you have a conversation with him and you say, hey,
(05:20):
if you think that you're having trouble figuring out what
I want for my birthday, let me plan it next year.
Let me just plan and then I just want you
to come be with me. That's it. Just want you
to be there. I'll plan it.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
All you gotta do is ask yeah, if you cared.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Yeah, But the thing is he knows what she wants
to do. Yeah, So I just be like, you know
what I want to do? You know, I don't have
a good relationship with my mom. It felt like you
didn't see me, and on this day that's supposed to
be about me. And if you can't, like, if you
feel like you really just don't know what I want
on my birthday, you can't figure it out, I'm gonna
plan it, but I do want to know. I do
want you to know that you've let me down.
Speaker 5 (05:55):
Here's what you do, Opie. You do what Sophia and
I do. Instead of a birthday, you do a birth month.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah, yes, dude, we should have a combined birthday party
because I I'll already have two other parties, so we can.
Speaker 5 (06:05):
Just and I already have like ten other events.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Exactly, so we'll just combine birthday party, just one of
our our multiple birthday.
Speaker 5 (06:12):
Yes, we're gonna have kofia.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Yeah, I think you birthday.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
But yes. Instead of to do this without a fight,
you just go like, so what why why did you
just invite my mom over for my birthday?
Speaker 3 (06:29):
You don't like her? I don't like her. What was
the thought process there?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Yeah? Yeah, just questions why did this happen?
Speaker 3 (06:35):
Do you like my mom? No? Do I like my mom?
Speaker 5 (06:38):
No?
Speaker 3 (06:39):
So why why?
Speaker 4 (06:41):
Wielder of aphorisms says that my dear stranger is total
bs uh. That's not a birthday, that's punishment with a
consolation prize?
Speaker 3 (06:52):
What's the consolation prize?
Speaker 2 (06:54):
And I don't know that. I don't I truly don't know.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
May I suggest that you plan your own birthdays librations
going forward? He should not contribute anything at all. Happy
birthday and sorry, Ope, he says, thank you. I tried
to plan it. That's when no oh no oh no
oh no.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
What is it? Where did it go?
Speaker 3 (07:17):
We'll try it. I'll explain what's going on. So basically, ope,
he it's her birthday today, except probably not today, but
whenever this was posted, and all she wanted to do
was go to the trampoline Park, and instead of listening
to what she wanted to do, her husband invited her
mom over, who she doesn't really like and he doesn't like,
and then like ignored her and when to play video games.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
Yeah, Field, he's got a lazy husband who's completely He's
checked into the hotel California.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Ain't that the truth? Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (07:47):
You can never check out?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
OPI replies, thank you.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
I tried to plan it, and that's when I was
told not to because of said surprise. I guess I
need to plan it earlier and more forcefully. Lurker the
pip says, next time I tell him no, I want
to plan my birthday. He new he screwed you over
and bailed on you.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
He chose this.
Speaker 4 (08:08):
You told him what you wanted and he decided to
do something miserable and bail on you.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Does he even love you?
Speaker 4 (08:14):
Are there other issues? Ohp he says, I'm not sure.
I think he wants to love me. Being a family
guy is important to him after having no dad in
his life growing up.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Does he love me? I don't know?
Speaker 4 (08:26):
Oh, oh, this has gotten real bad.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Oh well, if we don't know if he loves you
or not, that's.
Speaker 5 (08:35):
Oh mmm, oh no, he might like me.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
You gotta have a conversation about that.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
I think he likes me on weekends, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
He likes me on the weekend.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Anyway, I gotta go to castling with your husband asap.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Ohp.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
He says, we get along well ninety nine percent of
the time. But I don't force this issue anymore. His
work keeps him away a lot of the time. So
I live in a sweet little with my kids. I'm
close with them, even the teens. I try to let
them in my religious faith meet all my needs. That's
difficult when I feel actively hurt and there's an update.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
But that's it. She's religious, probably feels like she can't divorce.
Maybe it just sounds like a sounds like you guys.
Speaker 4 (09:16):
Maybe you're like, he's fine ninety nine percent of the time,
and he's gone ninety eight percent of the time, so
you only see him two percent of the time, and half.
Speaker 5 (09:23):
Of that is bad, bad quick math girl.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Like, I really think, I honestly think now less of
a joking way, you should divorce because you don't even
know if he loves you. I mean, have a conversation first,
of course, go to counseling, but like nineteen, how long
have you not known whether or not he loves you?
Cause that's kind of crazy.
Speaker 5 (09:46):
Yeah, when was the love checked out? Or was it
even there to begin with? That's yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Or was this just kind of like you were young,
you had kids, you maybe were raised in a religious
you know, kind of expectations.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (09:59):
The fact that we get along together is like that
shouldn't be your pause.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Like you guys are kind of roommates, Yeah, not even
very good ones.
Speaker 4 (10:07):
Yeah, well, there's an update. We spoke about it today.
It began with some crappy defensiveness, but calmed down after
a few minutes to regroup. His answer to me was
that in mentioning to him how good my mom was
doing in her grieving process, he interpreted that to mean
my relationship with her was doing good. He actually invited
my sister and brother in law, who couldn't make it
(10:27):
at the last minute. She is late in pregnancy and
has frequent migraines now, And it wasn't just supposed to
be my mom, which makes way more sense to me.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
I told him I was disappointed, but.
Speaker 4 (10:37):
He still abandoned you all day and went downstairs and
played video games alone without you.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
There's really no excuse.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
That's like so flimsy, really no excuse. I told him
I was disappointed. He asked if I wanted to go
out Friday to a movie and dinner. I said no,
I want to do water Park. Yes, so he agreed.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Good.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
He's presently on the website to buy tickets. I also
wanted to address a few of the comments suggesting that
getting along isn't being happy, and it's possible I've phrased
it wrong. We actually have a good time together. It
isn't just non argumentative. It is good. Like he rubs
my back and picks up my prescriptions and notices when
I'm stressed out and asks.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
If I need an afternoon out.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
But if you don't know if he loves you, that
that is a conversation that needs to be had.
Speaker 4 (11:25):
You youth and your love, You youth, I ever loved
each other?
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Don't you know?
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Marriage is about a four oh one K and split
assets and prescription pickups.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
It feels like that is It's like the only thing
holding them together is obligation, and I really don't want
that for uop. I mean again, nineteen years marriage, kids
don't jump, don't run to divorce, that's the first option.
But have conversations about this.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Yeah, we are horrible at conflict resolution. That's it.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
I make his appointments and light the fireplace and make
dinner so it's welcome when he walks into the door.
I'm aware that I'm the partner who cares more. It
is what it is. He's presently watching cartoons and painting
our daughter's nails.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
That's cute.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
My romantic fulfillment isn't the only thing at play here,
and it also isn't an unsolvable problem. I appreciate all
the responses, and there are more relevant comments, Op adding
in the comments, Yes, I know we have issues.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I realize his behavior is not acceptable.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
I also realize that half the problem is that I've
been accepting it. As pathologically defensive as he is, I'm
pathologically averse to conflict. I'll eat something for ten years
because I'm scared to say anything to anyone. Ten years
eaten boiled carrots and mushy peas.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
You're like, so good.
Speaker 4 (12:42):
This is not just him, it's my whole family. I'm
a product of my environment too, And asking how how
is Op's husband around holidays? He's usually pretty decent about holidays.
He stays up to wrap all the presents. I make
a house full of rhyming clues for the kids to
find their Easter basket and Christmas stockings, which he gets
(13:02):
into if he's home. Like when I said idyllic little bubble,
I meant it abandoned. Kid never saw anything like this
up close, so he learns as he goes. Has had
to relearn everything that ever helped him survive, and he's
gotten pasted a lot, mostly through counseling and recovery programs.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
I want to make this as balanced.
Speaker 4 (13:19):
As possible because I hate Reddit stories that paint one
person as a hero and one as a villain by
cherry picking information. I'm aware his faults regarding his temper
are extremely toxic. This is a person with good traits
who will see a single mom and her kids in
line at subway and slip the cashier enough to buy
their whole meal and never be the word that it
was him who cut my dad's lawn an hour away.
(13:41):
When his CHF made it impossible to walk across the yard.
He's ready to apologize after he realizes he's screwed up.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
He doesn't like gaslight me or blame me later.
Speaker 5 (13:52):
Congestive heart failure.
Speaker 4 (13:53):
Dang, thank you, Cheryl, congestive heart failure. Well there's a
second update. So I guess he's just a terrible little
birthday man.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Well, it just seems like he's not fulfilling a lot
of areas of the relationship and she's not bringing it up,
and that's the problem. It's like they just have They
haven't had a conversation in twenty years, you know. That's
and it feels like all of their problems have been
building and building and building because she's too afraid to
talk about it.
Speaker 5 (14:19):
It feels like the relationship got very stale. Yeah, and
everyone just settled. Everyone's like, all right, cool, you're just
you're distracted with your own thing. I'm distracted with the kids.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Literally, She's like, I don't know if he loves me,
but you know, do I need him to love me.
Speaker 5 (14:32):
Yeah. It's like we've been together for so long at
this point, it's just like we're just happy. I mean,
like we can go about our day.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Yeah, five, we feel fine.
Speaker 5 (14:39):
Yeah, we high five each other and we give him
like a little like like hey.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
What's up, you know, to how's it going, sport?
Speaker 5 (14:46):
Literally like a to talk.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
How are you doing, champ? Yeah, all right, let's get
into this. Second update eleven months later, Oh things have happened.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
I sure hope so or maybe this We're about to
get another birthday coming up. Yeah, and she's like, I'm
planning my birthday.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
Uh oh stop. Update eleven months later. I'm about to
turn forty two, So time for an update. This past
year we had a point of no return that pushed
us into counseling. It's been nothing like I expected. The
program wherein requires you to stay in your circle, meaning
you can only answer questions about yourself, your habits, beliefs,
(15:24):
and responses, not your partners, just yours. Like I mentioned before,
my religious faith emphasizes faithfulness, humility, and self denial in marriage.
But I've come to realize that codependency isn't a sacrificial virtue.
It's being a self aggrandizing murdyrer, stepping over the boundaries
God does set for the marriage. My biblical advice is
(15:44):
don't don't do that. Forgiveness and patients are important, but
being a doormat and allowing sin in your home is not.
His progress has run parallel to mind. He started recognizing
destructive and harmful patterns as his responsibility, not something I
caused by what I did or said. Whether I made
a benign comment that triggered his PTSD or hypothetically smashed
(16:04):
his windshield with a baseball bat, his reaction was still his.
To own a perceived attack, even a real one, doesn't
justify turning around and hurting me emotionally with his temper.
I reread a lot of the comments on my original post.
Some made wild assumptions, and others hit the nail on
the head. Yes, he was selfish on certain issues, and no,
(16:25):
I didn't have the self esteem or courage to speak
up back then. Now, almost a year later, we've done
some hard things, still doing them, things like being honest
about who we are to ourselves, to God, to our circle,
to each other. It's unfamiliar territory. I feel incredibly vulnerable,
But I don't want my daughters to grow up and
repeat this. I have an obligation to show them that
(16:47):
people can do better if they want to. The other day,
he apologized to our daughters for how he had behaved
in front of them than to our son.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
But first and foremost.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
To me, this turned out really well. I'm really happy
that they finally spoke like it. I like it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
That's just what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
I was like, you know, like, I don't actually mean
divorce because you guys have been together for so long
and I have such like an intertwined life. And also
because you never actually talked about these issues. So don't
jump to divorce or leaving your partner before you've actually
had a conversation, because that kind of communication and relationship
style follows you into your next relationship. Yeah, it doesn't
(17:23):
fix anything. It just isn't like a little band aid.
It's like, Okay, we got rid of the problem, but
you got rid of the symptom, but the underlying problem
is still there.
Speaker 5 (17:32):
Yeah, and it also shows your kids, you know, that
set them up for like what kind of relationship they
want or what they don't want.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
It's like, no, we're not, like, I don't want to
show you guys that it's okay to accept this type
of behavior in a relationship. There should be love and
if there isn't, then either you got to find a
way to fix that or we break up divorce.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
You know exactly, So props to you guys, let's finish
this story.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
We're planning a trip for my birthday without my mother.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
At the end of the day, you know your partner.
I knew he could change. I knew he wasn't just
playing a role. He wanted to be more. He just
lacked the skills. I knew I should change too, but
I told myself I couldn't. It was easier to stay
codependent and anxious and expect him to carry all the weight.
If your partner has the character and commitment to grow,
he can. But if you think the problems have nothing
(18:19):
to do with you, you're wrong. Even if your only
role is allowing them to continue. Forgiveness without accountability is
just permission to do it again.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Bars, bars uhh, I'm snap. What was it? I don't
snaprifice snapper it crackle pop snapped.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Anyway, folks, that's that. That's that. I love it. I
love a story where things get better.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Oh, forgiveness without accountability is just permission to do it again.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Oh but folks, we got another story
to read, and we are going to get into this
next story. I refuse to attend my son's wedding because
of my cheating wife.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
That's a good reason.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
And trigger warning emotional abuse. And also this comes directly
from the r slash okay Storytime Subbert, you're kidding me,
I ain't okay. I fifty three male was married to
my ex fifty one female for twenty three years. We
met in college and had a spark right away. We
had dated for just a short time before we got engaged.
We had a lot of the same goals and beliefs,
(19:23):
same religious beliefs, number of kids we wanted, life goals,
et cetera. We supported each other as we finished college
and had our first son in our last year of college.
By the way, this comes from Just Perspective thirty eight
forty three And if you want to submit your own stories,
go to the r slash okay storytime. Separate it. So
I'm Sophia, I'm Dakota, and I'm Keon. And when I
(19:44):
graduated from college, I was lucky enough to get a
job in a small town near my family. My family
loved my ex. For context, I had a great childhood. Ooh,
looky here.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
Wow, that's real cool to big briches, big show off.
Speaker 5 (19:59):
And look where you you are now.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
My parents were very loving and always supported me. Her
parents were very controlling, and she often told me how
hard her childhood was, and even though she loved her parents,
felt her household growing up was not a healthy environment.
So when my parents and sisters accepted her as just
part of the family, she told me often how much
she loved my family. For the next few years, we
(20:21):
lived a simple life. I was a school teacher, so
we didn't have a lot of money, but we had
a nice home because of some land my parents gave us.
We had three more sons over the next several years.
She was able to be a stay at home mom
while I worked and picked up odd jobs here and
there to help supplement my teaching income. We both grew
up in poorer homes, so money and lavish things just
(20:42):
weren't important to us. We were just happy with our
little family, or so I thought.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Done done done.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Once our boys got a little older, we decided to
invest in a small business in town to be able
to give our boys jobs. Like I said, this is
a small town without a lot of opportunity. We bought
a small restaurant, just a little diner, and gave our
older boys jobs while my parents helped watch our younger boys.
Speaker 4 (21:06):
Nepotism, Wow right, so out outright?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Wow? No, I'm just kidding. That's fine.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
We also hired local high school kids to help as well.
My ex let's call her Nina, would work just part
time hours while the kids were in school, then turn
it over to our nighttime manager so she could be
home with the kids. II let's call me. Craig was
transferred to a school in a town about twenty to
thirty minute drive away. But I would help in the
business on weekends and holidays and whenever I could.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Good Jay, that's good on you, Craig.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Goods on, Craig.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Craig.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I also took care of all of the money side
of the business, so Nina just had to worry about
the day to day. We seem to be having a
great marriage. At least I was happy.
Speaker 4 (21:49):
Hey, when Craig's happy, everyone's happy except Nina.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Fast forward to twenty years into our marriage. Nina comes
to me and tells me she's upset with my family.
Her parents had recently retired to our state from another
state about a five hour drive away. She tells me
she's moving and taking the boys and doesn't care if
I go or not. What you can't just do that?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
You can't do that.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I was floored. I asked her what the issues were
with my family, and she just said that she never
really felt comfortable with them and wanted to be closer
to her parents. I tried to get more, but that's
all she would give me. I didn't want to lose
my family, so I agreed. I started looking for teaching
jobs in the new city and was able to find
one right away, so we sold our home and our
business and packed up and moved in with her parents.
(22:38):
It feels like y'all didn't have any plan. You just left.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
Is she doing this because she already cheated, or is
she doing this so she can get closer to the
person she wants to cheat with.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
I don't know. I don't know. Is she trying to
get further away from her cheating partner or closer it's
the question. My boys did not like the move, especially
the fact that we had to move in with her parents.
They're not very loving with my boys, and even though
they said they were happy to have us, they seemed
annoyed every minute we were there. Luckily, we were only
there for three months before we were able to get
(23:08):
into a nice house from the sale of our house
and business, nicer than anything we had ever had. Finally,
I thought Nina would be happy.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Nope.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
As soon as we got settled into the new house,
she began to get distant. Our spicy sleep life became nonexistent.
Everything I did annoyed her. We had always been a
religious family, but she stopped going to church with us.
I tried to talk with her, ask her to go
to counseling, but she just insisted nothing was wrong. That
would be the most frustrating thing to me. And because
(23:39):
something is wrong, I'm telling you something's wrong. I don't
like how this is going. There's a problem. Nu Uh,
you can't say nothing's wrong. I don't care if you
think nothing's wrong. I'm telling you something is wrong.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
But what if I said Nahuh?
Speaker 3 (23:52):
What if I uner reverse said no, there's nothing wrong anything?
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Now you go nope? Nah?
Speaker 3 (23:59):
After over a year a year and a half of this,
I finally had had enough. I sat her down and
said we had to talk. She told me that she
loved me, but she wasn't in love with me anymore.
I was obviously devastated. I asked her what I had
done and she just said she was just a different
personnel or she was with a different person.
Speaker 4 (24:18):
Yo, I'm a different person because I've been with a
different person.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
I've been cheated on you. Oh. At the time, she
was working and I was working two jobs to make
sure we could make ends meet. I didn't know how
we were going to go through divorce and afford to live.
I just went in my room and cried. I didn't
sleep that night. The next day just happened to be
Father's Day. I went for a drive and I called
home to tell my dad Happy Father's Day and told
(24:45):
them what had happened the night before. Happy Father's Day, Dad,
my wife's leaving me.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Happy Father's Day.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Dad.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Esus skunk, Jesus skunk. She's a skink stinker.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
My dad proceeds to tell me that he needed to
tell me. Oh no, oh, no, Nina had been cheating
on me. One of our high school employees, Oh, who
was a daughter of my dad's best friend, had left
or purse at our restaurant one night and went back
to get it. When she walked in to get it,
(25:17):
she caught my ex and a guy in the back
room having spicy sleep. I'm glad, I finished that sentence. Yeah,
me too, almost really concerning. She told her dad and
he told my dad. He told me he didn't want
to tell me because he didn't want to break up
our marriage. But since she was already ending it, I
should know, why didn't you tell him? I would be
(25:37):
so upset with my father if he didn't tell me this.
If he knew this and didn't say anything. I wonder
if it's like religious like cultural stuff kind of, you know,
they said that they were both religious, they go to church.
Maybe he was like, I don't want to lead to
a divorce if I can help it. But come on,
come on.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
What are you gonna do, buddy?
Speaker 4 (25:57):
Are you gonna like put on a mission impossible mask
and I pretend to be the other guy.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Wall, it's over.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
It's over.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
She's banging buddy in the back of the restaurant. Oh boy,
that's unsanitary.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
By the way.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Yeah, you're gonna drop some grades on that restaurant.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
You know something in that restaurant.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Eoo, yeah, dad, that sucks. That was not cool. I
just went numb. I think I just hung up the
phone and stared out my car window. I drove back
home and texted my ex to please meet me in
the car. She came to the car and I told
her what I knew. She tried to deny it, but
I told her how I knew, and she finally admitted it.
(26:36):
I asked her who, and it was one of the
guys from our couple friends we used to hang out with.
I used to golf with him all the time. It
was like a knife in the back. She had no
emotion as she was telling me this, But now the
past two years all made sense. Why she wanted to
move away, why she was so distant. The next week,
I just went through the motions. I called a therapist
and just bared my soul. It didn't help. I didn't
(26:59):
know what to do. After a week, I started to
think about things in our relationship, things I had seen, heard,
suspected over the years, and just blew them off because
I trusted her. I confronted her and basically told her
I was sure he wasn't the only one. I guess
the guilt finally got to her because she finally had
a look of remorse for the first.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Oh oh no, the damn is breaking. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
She then began the trickle through he wasn't the only one.
At first, it was three, then five, and finally seven.
She had seven affair partners over four years. She was
basically using our restaurant as her own personal wre.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
House, her own personal silly goose factory.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
No wonder, there's extra cream in the back ew.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
That's crazy. You're employing your kids there, and you're telling
me that that. No one ever found out until that
one high school kid.
Speaker 5 (27:55):
This crab did.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
What did this wreck?
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Any guy that would show interest, she would base sickly
spread her legs for them. I also found out that
one of the guys was an ex con ice stealer,
and she was smoking ice with them as well. Understand,
we don't even drink, smoke nothing. I mean, yeah, they're
regular church goers. I would assume you weren't. She also
contracted an STI and told me that she had a UTI,
(28:20):
so I would stay away from her while she was
taking medication to clear it up. Yikes, go get tested. Ope.
I asked her if she ever used protection with any
of them, and she said, no.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
You idiots, okay a no sah.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
From that point on, for the next two months, I
was just in robot mode. I got tested for sdis
and fortunately was negative. I couldn't eat or sleep. I
lost thirty pounds in less than a month. She begged
me not to tell her parents or our kids. They
probably know. I can't even remember agreeing to this. Because
of finances, I agreed to use a mediator instead of
(29:00):
lawyers for the divorce.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Big mistake.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
She definitely took advantage of my state of mind. She
ended up keeping the house and fifty to fifty custody
of the kids. Dang. I moved into an apartment about
five minutes away. Because I was working two full time jobs.
I ended up paying child support for my two youngest kids.
My two oldest had graduated by now. This left me
with four years of child support. I just agreed because
(29:25):
I wanted it all to be over. There is a
little bit left of this story, ouch, ouch. I would
be so angry with my father if he knew for
seemingly a while that she was cheating on me. Just
puts you in danger fully put you in danger. Could
have contracted ANSTI. If you know that people are getting
cheated on, let him know, especially if your children and
(29:49):
or family member or close friend. Let him know you
don't want them to get an STI do you anyway,
there's a little bit left to this. She sucks.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
She needs to go get her stink glands unstunk because
she's a dirty little skunk lady.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
And I hate so much that she finessed you out
of the house.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
That sucks.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
More. Child, you know, custody and out of.
Speaker 4 (30:17):
Your house, lawyer, my house. We moved because you cheated
on me with seven guys my house.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
There's a little bit left don here.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
We're gonna get back to this juicy story, but a
quick three minute break of aths from our sponsors.
Speaker 3 (30:31):
We are now in a bigger city, so I do
not see her at all. My kids are now all adults.
Two of them now know, two of them still do not.
I forgot the name of this story. Her parents still
think I was the cause of it all. I would
tell them. I would tell them I have not had
contact with her for almost six years. When I've seen
her in passing, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.
(30:53):
Even to this day, I have not been able to
hold onto a relationship for more than three months. Yes,
I am in therapy, but I am a mess for sure.
She was the love of my life. Even though time
has made it better, I still find myself lost at times.
Now my son is getting married. I know he wants
us both there, but I don't think I can be
in the same room with her and her fani Roski.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
You are still entirely lost. Yeah, you are still You
were never not lost.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
You are constantly lost right now, constantly you let is
she still? She's still doing scheduled narcotics? Do you know?
Speaker 4 (31:27):
Did the judge know that is a good Does her
family know that she's cheated on you with seven men
without using protection? We know they don't tell them.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
That is a great point. She was doing like she
was regularly using and still got fifty you know, fifty
others custody of the kids.
Speaker 5 (31:45):
Yeah, you don't owe her a damn no, brother.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
I know it's selfish, but I think I will be
physically sick at the sight of her. I don't know
what to do. I am sure I will get over it, dude,
but I don't know what to do. Brother.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
If you get physically sick, just make sure it's on her.
Just make sure you direct it ato at her.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
I have tried to talk to my son about it,
but he thinks I'm overreacting. What do I do?
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Does he know they need to all know the truth?
Silly goose man?
Speaker 3 (32:12):
If he doesn't know, you need to tell them, brother.
Speaker 5 (32:15):
Yeah, this is one of those times where like, oh
it's a little secret. No, people need to understand why
you're feeling like this. Yeah, you don't need to do
this so you can make your make her feel better.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
I mean, maybe maybe this is what you need. Maybe
you need people to know that it wasn't you who
like caused all of this. But folks, that's the end
of that story, and we've got another one. I do
think everyone should know, But I think it's there is
a way to tell them. I think that you know.
I mean, you can't talk to your wife anymore clearly,
so maybe like have your I feel like I don't know.
(32:47):
I feel like if two of your kids know, I
feel like your other kids would know, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Yeah, it's I feel like I don't know.
Speaker 5 (32:52):
Also, they hope you did say, like they're a little
bit older, like they're maybe they wanted to hide it,
but like at this point, and maybe two of them
are really close with mom. But like even at that point,
it what's the point, you know, who's this for At
the end of the day, do what's best for you.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Yeah, and keep going to therapy because you clearly need it.
Speaker 5 (33:11):
Yeah, this was one of ours.
Speaker 3 (33:13):
So it's just like, oh, I.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Forgot from my perspective the Jedi are you?
Speaker 3 (33:19):
I forgot it was one of our own people.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
I didn't.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
Oh, please get.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
It, brother, I'm not. The gloves are not on off.
The gloves are win to the so much when you're
mad or when you're glad.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
Either way, cold water.
Speaker 4 (33:35):
You've got massive problems to figure out regarding what happened
with you and your ex wife.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
And I guess I mean, if you truly, like, I'll
give you more real advice, if you truly cannot go
to this wedding because you will have a panic attack,
tell your child that say like, hey, I understand you
might not see it as such, but like, I've been
going to therapy for this and I really want to
be there for you, but I think that it would
cause more of a scene me being there. Yeah, you know,
(34:02):
it's like it's not like, oh I hate her so
much that I yeah, I just would yell at her.
It's like I literally physically can't be in the same
room with her without having this physical reaction. And hopefully
your kid will understand. But be honest, you know it's
been years. I think that you can give that honesty
without it being like negative for the kids. But ouch,
(34:24):
good luck, Opy. We love you.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Best of luck, Opy, good luck.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
So we're going to get into this next story.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Oh boy. This one's also from the subreddit.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
I hope it's not so sad.
Speaker 4 (34:36):
My boyfriend prioritizes his baby mama over me.
Speaker 3 (34:40):
Well, he should be your ex boyfriend. We had a
baby with her, that's true.
Speaker 4 (34:45):
I have been part of the Okay fan since before
Riley was a part of the show.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Who longtime Okay fan and listen every day And I'm
hoping you guys can help me as I really value
your thoughts in opinion.
Speaker 4 (35:00):
Okay, I'm gonna locking in, lock in. He did have
a baby with her, though, we'll see. My boyfriend and
I have been together for six years, living together for five.
We're both forty one, with one son each from previous relationships.
My son is sixteen, an honor student starting his first job,
always helpful and generally working hard to become a successful adult.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
His dad barely.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
Sees him and has been in and out of prison
for the last eleven years since our divorce.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Our son doesn't want to be like him.
Speaker 4 (35:26):
By the way, this comes from user future np doctor,
and if you want to submit your own stories, go
to the r slash Okay storytime sub bred it. I'm Dakota, I'm.
Speaker 5 (35:34):
Sophia, I'm Keon, and let's see.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
What ops to say.
Speaker 4 (35:38):
So, my boyfriend's son just turned twelve, makes good grades
now and is much more well behaved than he used
to be In kindergarten, the school only allowed him half days,
and he repeated it a second time.
Speaker 3 (35:49):
Due to this behavior, his kids repeat kindergarten.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
That's all right, You're like, we can't handle your kid.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
He's only allowed to be here half the day. It
sounds like a skill issue with the kindergarten more than.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
A problem with your Can you figure it out?
Speaker 5 (36:02):
I repeated preschool, So.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
I got nothing funny to say about that.
Speaker 5 (36:06):
That one's kind of me.
Speaker 3 (36:07):
I know, thot, I know a lot of guys who
repeatd because of behavior issues. Is that?
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Do I know why you didn't?
Speaker 3 (36:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (36:15):
Do you want to say I just didn't talk? I
didn't talk, and my parents thought like, he's like, oh no,
he doesn't know how to talking.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
He just wasn't.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
I was just very anxious. I was a very shy kid.
I just didn't like talking.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
You know why.
Speaker 5 (36:27):
All I did was point Golton, you know.
Speaker 4 (36:29):
Why, because the ghosts were too busy talking to you.
You couldn't make your own sentences. But you don't remember.
Speaker 5 (36:35):
Anymore as Yeah. All My mom was like, you didn't
really talk until you're like four or five, and all
you did was point stuff and what hmmm. I was like,
oh that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Have you ever heard this?
Speaker 3 (36:45):
No?
Speaker 5 (36:45):
Ok?
Speaker 2 (36:46):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (36:47):
So, he couldn't keep his hands to himself at school
and during pee wee football, constantly getting into trouble for
not listening. He was in trouble at school constantly, even
pulling the fire alarm once whoa. Finally, the school pushed
his mom to put him on eighty eight dem DS
and he calmed down.
Speaker 3 (37:01):
He just had ADHD.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
He just needed stimulant medicine.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
He just needed to be medicaated.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
He just needed amphetamines. Yes.
Speaker 4 (37:10):
Now he is very well behaved, respectful and makes good
grades and helps when asked the issue with him is
that as a typical twelve year old boy, he's completely
engrossed in electronics. He barely comes out of his room
to eat, he used the bathroom, or even speak.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
He's just beeping and booping. He's making beet boop, zeepsorp noises.
Speaker 3 (37:27):
Honestly, I feel like, if your child's not coming out
of the room because they're playing video games, do we
take those video games away?
Speaker 5 (37:34):
No? Mom?
Speaker 4 (37:35):
I feel like, no, mom, video games taking gold pro.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
I don't want my kid to be locked in the room.
Speaker 4 (37:41):
Also, it's not video games, it's electronics. What if he's
building robots, Sofia, you're just making an assumption.
Speaker 3 (37:46):
Well, he's got to build him outside.
Speaker 2 (37:47):
I don't understand boy technology.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
I was. I lived with a boy, I live my boys.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
I couldn't even keep his straight face. That's such a
ridiculous thing to say.
Speaker 3 (37:58):
Waiting on my kid's gonna be I'm gonna lock the door.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
You're gonna lock the door and.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
They're gonna stay outside.
Speaker 4 (38:07):
Oh, Jerna actually locked the door and play the games
in their room and go oh this is so fun,
and they're gonna.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
Go yeah, yeah, please. My mom just told me to
play out. She would give me her mom told you
to touch clue and and and I would make little
houses for fairies. And then I would bring all my
littlest pet shops outside, and I would use Djenga blocks,
and I would create houses with my friends and they
would all be It would be great.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
Actually it was lit man.
Speaker 3 (38:36):
I was creating houses out of rocks and sticks in mud.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
It's incredible. Yeah, that's girl technology.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Yes, girl technology is the stone age.
Speaker 4 (38:47):
Okay, So he's not coming out of his room an
unhealthy level of not coming out of the room. Even
though we've had talks multiple times about bathing and teeth brushing,
he still has to be told every single time, or
he never would. I don't believe we should have to
tell him each day to brush his teeth, bathe, and
put on clean clothes.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
By the way, he's on stimulant medication, so you kind
of do.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
Yeah, it's not just like I feel like, I will say,
because we know that he has ADHD and he's twelve,
I think that this is you know, we actually do
have to tell him every day to do those things.
And maybe there's ways that we can work around us
where we like get him into a habit and we
have a routine that is a little bit more normalized.
But I do think also, because again he is ADHD,
(39:27):
you can be more likely to kind of get locked
into like an obsessive with things like video games.
Speaker 4 (39:33):
So I yeah, and the medication can do that too.
You also, Yeah, medication can not necessarily make you hyper
focus on.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Studying or being a good little boy.
Speaker 4 (39:43):
It could make you hyper focus on whatever he's doing
in there.
Speaker 3 (39:46):
Yeah, I think he probably just needs a lot more
attention from you guys than maybe a kid who didn't
have his you know, set of like medical or like
a ADHD and stuff.
Speaker 4 (39:59):
When I try to force consequences, they never get upheld
by his dad when I'm not home, which is a lot.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
See, that's a problem.
Speaker 4 (40:05):
He's not a self starter, even though he's smart. A
homework assignment that should take twenty minutes will take several
hours with one of us adults constantly standing over him
and fussing to get it done. He has a mom
that is always in his life. There is no legal
custody agreement. They share him equally and allow him to
go between houses as he wants, which is fine, except
his mom lives about an hour away with her parents
(40:26):
since they split. This can sometimes cause hardship with transportation
in school, but we've.
Speaker 2 (40:30):
Made it work. Most of the work falls on my
boyfriend and me. He pays her child.
Speaker 4 (40:34):
Support every week of his own accord, because we believe
that's what he should do as a dad. We also
pay for ninety percent of school trips, the yearbook every year,
one hundred percent of school supplies, and half the cost
of his after school program. Baby Mama even called saying
twelve year old had no clothes at her house because
of a growth spurt. We went and bought him new clothes,
then bought more and sent them to her house.
Speaker 3 (40:56):
Oh and also really quick, just for you guys, the
characters are not named Dakota and Sofia. We just are
doing this new thing where we tell you, guys are
names for our podcast listeners.
Speaker 4 (41:09):
Oh god, and tldrs picking up our yeah names.
Speaker 3 (41:13):
Yes, yeah, just to be clear, because someone I think
earlier asked if the characters were named Dakota and Sophia.
They are not. We are Dakota and Sofia.
Speaker 4 (41:22):
Their sons are excelling academically as also a horrible TLDR.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
Anyway, she claims she couldn't afford new clothes, even though
she has a job and no bills because her parents
pay everything, including her car insurance and cell phone bill,
and give.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Her the car that she drives.
Speaker 4 (41:38):
I grew up in a blended family where the kids
weren't treated equally, so I've made it a point to
always treat our boys equally. My boyfriend doesn't always do that,
but tries his best. He and Baby Mama. I have
always treated twelve year old like a small child. Boyfriend
is just now starting to treat him like the preteen
he is. At baby Mama's. He doesn't have his own
room and still shares a bed with her because there
(41:58):
isn't a room for him and no chance of her
moving out since she's helping care for her mom who
has cancer.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
I mean, I know they haven't done a custody agreement,
but I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to provide like
if they went the legal route you I'm pretty sure
you're supposed to provide them.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
Like they did bed they did not go to the legal.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, because they went around it.
I guess she doesn't have to do that, but I
correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure if
you are trying to get custody, you have to prove
that you have like a bed for your.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Child, couch couch.
Speaker 3 (42:28):
Yeah, I mean your twelve year old boys shouldn't be
sleeping every night with his mom if you can, if
you have another option, you can.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Put a tent in the living room with a sleeping bag.
That'll be fun.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
Yeah. I don't want to say I put it out back.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Get him outside of that electronics room. Yeah, in the backyard.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
Yeah, there's circumstances. Okay, where is okay or not okay,
but where it makes sense because you don't have a
lot of money or like financial reasons blah blah blah.
But if there is another option in this case, dad,
then he shouldn't be sleeping in the bed with his mom.
Yeah that, James Pon says. I'm pretty sure it's illegal.
I'm pretty sure if they had gone through the legal route,
it probably would not have been allowed.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (43:06):
Twelve year old hates not having his own space and
being treated like a five year old, so he recently
started spending more time in our house, where he has
his own room. The kids got out of school last
week and are starting back August eleventh. For the entire
summer he's been with us except maybe two weeks. And
boyfriend still pays child support every week. What I don't
know if this is okay.
Speaker 3 (43:27):
It's because they didn't get the legal routes. I mean,
he's giving all of these things that he thinks he
needs to do, but you don't need to do that.
Speaker 2 (43:33):
He's not there. He's not kid's not there.
Speaker 3 (43:36):
You were paying her money when the kid, when your
kid was staying there, and she's not even using that
money to give him a space, like you should be
get just give that money your girl, forgive the money
to pay Yeah, why are you paying your ex?
Speaker 4 (43:48):
Maybe it's to help take care of her parents. Yeah,
but like that's not then that's different. No ops, it's
not just.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
The child support payment. That's a different thing.
Speaker 3 (43:56):
I think because you're one of our own, go have
a conversation with your boyfriend and say, like, normally, when
you have a custody agreements, which you guys don't have,
like a formal one, you're supposed to provide your child
with a space, a bed. There are a lot of requirements.
He doesn't have that. As mom's we can provide that here.
Speaker 4 (44:14):
Well, I think it's already his prerogative that the kid
is the one who decides where he wants to be.
So it's like, if the kid doesn't want to be there,
he doesn't, which is like, right, he can.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
Just stay here.
Speaker 3 (44:24):
So again, well, but that's further point. If he's not
staying there, then you also don't have to pay child
support for a child that you're already supporting.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Exactly.
Speaker 4 (44:33):
His ex is very self absorbed and hard to deal with,
so he hates talking to her because he hates confrontation.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
It's easier than fighting with her.
Speaker 4 (44:41):
Recently, baby Mama has been in the hospital for about
two weeks.
Speaker 2 (44:44):
It started with a fall where she couldn't get up.
Speaker 4 (44:47):
She is a bigger girl, about three hundred pounds, so
we thought she couldn't get up because of that, But
when they took her to the hospital, she said she
was numb from the neck down and couldn't support her
weight to stand or walk, and was barely able to
feed herself.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
God, did she just paralyze?
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Well that's extreme.
Speaker 3 (45:01):
Well, now she definitely can't care for the child. Well yeah,
well I'm just saying, don't like.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Well, no, I just yeah, yeah, accurate.
Speaker 4 (45:09):
She's thirty seven and has a few other issues, but
nothing that should be causing this. She's been transferred between
multiple hospitals because no one can figure out what's going on.
When we found out, we knew twelve year old would
be staying with us indefinitely until she's better. Boyfriend and
I had a conversation about school since it's about to start.
We decided going to the middle school five minutes from
our house instead of an hour away where her parents live,
(45:29):
would be the best option, since it's our responsibility to
care for him, not theirs. She can't care for herself,
much less a child. He brought up homeschool during our
conversation because she had mentioned it.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
I reminded him what.
Speaker 4 (45:41):
A nightmare homeschooling was during the pandemic and how bad
it is just to do normal homework with twelve year old.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
I also think, like for him specifically for what he needs,
that would not be helpful, like for having like a
child with ADHD who like I just don't I don't
think that would necessarily be helpful.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
Agreed, unless you.
Speaker 3 (46:01):
Can provide like so much care, like you would have
to be on it for everything.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
You'd have to like handcuff his hand to your hand
so you could grab the pencil and write stuff for him,
because just gonna be so distracted at all.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
Absolutely, I mean the amount of effort that you're putting
into like telling him to shower, telling him to brush
his teeth. You're gonna have to do that level for
all of his studies. So like, be ready if you're
going to do that.
Speaker 2 (46:26):
Hey, it's John here. We're gonna get back to the stories.
Put a quick three minute ad break from our sponsors
that keep the show going.
Speaker 4 (46:32):
I also asked him to consider how we would have
time for homeschooling. He works five nights a week midnight
to eight am, and sleeps daily from ten or eleven
until six or seven. I'm currently in school for my
doctor Nurse practice to become a nurse practitioner and have
both clinical and class and homework, plus my full time job.
Speaker 2 (46:53):
At the local hospital.
Speaker 4 (46:54):
I also have a total care disabled brother that lives
with us with my mom and we help care for them.
Plus I have a side hustle as a baker for
extra income.
Speaker 2 (47:03):
Okay, so you have your mom does it all.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
You are caring for your brother you're caring for a
child who has a lot of needs specifically, that's tough.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
Yep, don't know how you do it.
Speaker 3 (47:13):
You a lot on you and your baking.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
How does she do it?
Speaker 3 (47:16):
How does she do it?
Speaker 4 (47:17):
We don't have time for homeschool and it's toxic just
doing normal homework, so we don't have the patience either.
He agreed during our talk and said he would let
baby Mama know we could transfer him to our nearby
middle school when he took twelve year old to see
her at the hospital. When he came home, he was
complaining of a stomach ache and went to bed, then
got up and went to work without telling me how
the conversation went. I assumed he's stuck to what we
(47:39):
talked about. The next morning, he called me on the
way home from work, as he always does. After talking
for about ten minutes with no mention of the hospital trip,
I finally asked if he was ever going.
Speaker 2 (47:49):
To tell me what happened.
Speaker 4 (47:50):
He responded that they had talked about it and would
be trying home schooling.
Speaker 2 (47:53):
Yeah, did you think that one was just going to
fly under the radar? My guy?
Speaker 4 (47:57):
So he lied, Why does it matter what she has?
To say she's not taking care of your kid, like.
Speaker 3 (48:03):
It really doesn't matter what she has to say. She
does not have the funds, nor the time or the
space to take care of your kid.
Speaker 4 (48:09):
She is numb from the neck down, or she's not
homeschooling your kid she.
Speaker 3 (48:13):
Doesn't have the time space. What was the third one?
Speaker 2 (48:16):
I continuum?
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Dang it? Function was the fourth one?
Speaker 2 (48:19):
I was gonna have ad Okay. I was angry, hurt,
and upset.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
I asked why after our conversation, was that the decision,
and he stated she wanted to try it to see
if it worked. We argued and got off the phone
since I was at work. I have friends who homeschool,
so I know more than the average person with no
exposure to it. But even with that basic knowledge, I
know this isn't what's best for twelve year old. I've
been a nurse for twenty two years and have studied
childhood development several times. I have an ADNBSN MSN, NBC,
(48:48):
and I am now working on my DNP. I am
currently in my pediatrics rotation. I know that living with
us full time suddenly and not getting to see his
mom and grandparents as often, plus his mom being sick
and him changing from elementary to middle school are a
lot of life changes very fast. This can be traumatic
if not handled with care. Add to that his need
(49:08):
for structure. I feel like homeschooling will be detrimental and
then he'll be behind and struggle in school. Correct I
would assume I'm no doctor, nurse practitioner, but yeah, it
sounds like.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
The child needs to go to school.
Speaker 3 (49:22):
I think you sit your partner down and you say, hey,
I don't know, like if you're planning to homeschool him,
but I can't do that. Just say like, I cannot
do that. If you were expecting me to do it,
I cannot and I will not. So you're gonna have
to do it all because your baby mom's not gonna help,
So it's gonna be on you. Do you have time
to do that? Yep.
Speaker 2 (49:41):
I hope you enjoy never sleeping.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
Again because I'm not doing it.
Speaker 4 (49:45):
Either you do it all or we both get arrested
for truancy. I spent the day at work thinking about
this and did a literal five minute Google search to
learn more about homeschooling than I went home and tried
to talk to boyfriend. I started by asking what program
would be used to homeschool. Would it be through the
mail or online? If online? Do they know the state laws?
We live in North Carolina and she lives in South Carolina.
(50:05):
Some states require online classes and attendance, and who would
be buying the computer? I also asked if they knew
homeschooling wasn't just sit and do work. You're basically teaching
yourself and it requires trips to co ops to meet
other homeschoolers and do hands on portions of work. To
all these questions, he responded, I don't know. Come on,
(50:26):
so you're.
Speaker 3 (50:26):
Not doing it, then you guys are doing some like
these parents are not up, but like your boyfriend is
doing such a disservice to his son, and it's really
it's really upsetting. This kid is not getting the help
that he needs.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
True.
Speaker 4 (50:39):
So I asked what he and baby Mama talked about then,
and he responded, I don't know what you want from me.
Speaker 2 (50:44):
I want the kid to go to school.
Speaker 3 (50:46):
She's told you what she wants from you.
Speaker 2 (50:48):
You know exactly what I want from you. I want
you to say we're gonna send the kid of school.
Speaker 3 (50:52):
Pretty straightforward. Put the middle dry five minutes away, pretty
cut and dry.
Speaker 4 (50:57):
I said, I expected that you went to talk to
her and come home with a plan. I'm willing to
try anything if there's a good plan in place. I
told him that since he wouldn't tell me about the conversation,
all I could do was go on my assumptions. To me,
it appeared as if he completely forgot about our conversation
when with her and just rolled over.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
And agreed to do what she wants.
Speaker 4 (51:15):
The only reason she wants to homeschool is to try
to keep twelve year old from living with us. He's
told us he has to go ask if he can
come to our house, like asking to go to a friend's,
and if she says no, then he can't come. We argued,
and I yelled, which I know isn't right, But when
he asked me not to yell, I quit and tried
to more calmly explain.
Speaker 2 (51:34):
I said, if we.
Speaker 4 (51:35):
Took all other issues out, like her choice, my choice,
and even what's best for the twelve year old, I
just didn't understand the logistics of how it would work.
I told him why not put him in public school?
And when we found out more about what her health
future looks like, then consider homeschool that way, at least
he wouldn't get behind he shot this down.
Speaker 3 (51:54):
Oh, this would be so incredibly frustrating for me, Like,
I'm so sorry it'ld be that you have to deal
it because I mean, you are the only one who
apparently cares about this kid's future, but you don't even
get like the main say, because you're not his parent,
even though you're the one parenting the most. So frustrating.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
Yes, I would have a completely.
Speaker 3 (52:15):
Different view on my partner personally after this whole fiasca.
Speaker 4 (52:19):
I would we have a little bit left here, let's
finish it off. I feel like he's putting her opinion
above mine when it's our family that it will one
hundred percent effect. She's in the hospital for who knows
how long and can't do any of the legwork for
her home school other than putting her first just so
he doesn't have to have a confrontation. He really is
the best partner and does so much to help me.
(52:41):
Without him, I couldn't do all the things I do
for school and work, which I do for our family's future.
But I don't think he considers our future. This has
really put a strain on our relationship. Since it happened
a couple days ago, we haven't really spoken much or
even touched each other. I'm hurt and constantly feel like
vomiting or crying, which I have been doing a lot of.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
What do I do?
Speaker 4 (53:00):
Am I the a hole and making this a bigger
issue than it is. I don't want to end the relationship.
I think you need to be like, why are we
letting her dick? She's not his mother, is not apparent
to him, yeah, and is incapable of doing the things
that she's suggesting you to do. So you're basically just
saying what that I have to stop doing every It's
(53:20):
just not gonna work. There's a solution that works, and
this solution that doesn't, homeschool's not gonna work.
Speaker 3 (53:24):
I think that you, I know you've already done it,
like you've done everything that we've suggested, honestly, But I
think because you have the thing of like feeling like
you needed to yell, which I get because this is
so frustrating. But I think you write down all of
your points. You say one, she is his are your
son's mom is not able to like she does, She's
not physically able to take care of him. She doesn't
(53:45):
have a space, so you know, he needs to be here.
I'm not going to have the time to homeschool him.
These are the steps and things that like, just like
write it all out. These are what you need to
fulfill if you homeschool your child. Can you do these?
Do you have the time to do these? Do you
have like the you know where with all the know how,
et cetera to figure all this out? And if you
(54:07):
think it, if you think that you could do it, fine,
that's your kid. But I'm not going to be helping
you homeschool your child when I don't think it's the
right solution. Yes, and just like have that all written
out so you don't even have to go to like
the anger. And at that point if he does try
and put it on you, then I would reconsider the relationship.
It's frustrating though, very frustrating.
Speaker 2 (54:28):
Yeah, I would.
Speaker 4 (54:29):
Also there's a lot of comments saying it's time for
a formal custody agreement agreed.
Speaker 3 (54:34):
Yeah, maybe that's the thing to approach it with. It's like, hey,
I know you guys didn't want to do a formal
custody agreement, but this is just not working for your kid.
Speaker 2 (54:41):
Bring that up, and.
Speaker 3 (54:43):
Also like bring up, your child sleeping in the bed
with his mom at twelve years old is not benefiting him.
But that is the end of that story and the
end of this episode. So if you love us, make
sure to subscribe We love you, and see it tomorrow
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